Thursday, March 8, 2012

Grifter #4

At some point in this comic, I hope somebody says, "Did you hear? Green Arrow and Grifter killed themselves in a repressed homosexual suicide pact!"

I don't know who decided it would be interesting to have Grifter and Green Arrow meet up. Perhaps it's needed for a plot point. Maybe Green Arrow will end up sponsoring Grifter in his war against the Daemonites. Or perhaps it was an editorial decision. "Hey, Edmondson! Green Arrow fucking sucks and we need him to appear in your comic this month to punch up his numbers with a perceived cross-over!" Or maybe it was more like this: "Hey, Edmondson! Grifter fucking sucks and we need Green Arrow to appear in your comic to make Grifter look interesting by comparison!" I wonder why Captain Atom isn't guest starring?

The editors should have canned the whole guest star thing and been on Edmondson's back about his writing. "Hey, Edmondson! Stop making Grifter explain all of his actions through narration and just let the story evolve organically!"

I've been ignoring these stupid narration boxes for quite awhile now but they're impossible to ignore in Grifter. If he's running for the door, he thinks, "Sometimes it's better to make a move out the door than to stand firm and fight it out." Or if he stays to fight, he thinks, "I decided to stay and fight!" Or if he thinks someone might be an alien, he thinks, "I get the feeling that guy isn't all he's cracked up to be. You should trust your feelings. Feelings are the hearts way of saying something smarter than your brain can say it!" Fuck! Why am I wasting these gems here?! I should be writing my own script and sending it to DC!

"Hey, Clark! You think Grifter's arms could have more veins?

That was the editors being sarcastic in the last caption and the artist, Scott Clark, believing they were serious.

The next page is just a fucking insult to comic book readers. Do you think we'll put up with anything?! Just change fucking reality from panel to panel and will slobber and drool all over the comic in fanboi excitement? Ignoring any inconsistencies for the honor of giving DC $3 to read their stupid funny books? Fuck you, DC! And you too, Nathan Edmondson! I'm going to call Nathan the worst word in the world right now, so you might want want to cover your eyes: HACK!

Here's the page that pisses in the face of everyone who paid money for this comic.

How did you just do that? Dissolve the tape holding the gun to your hand so you could drop your gun to catch the arrow? Fuck you all!

Edmondson didn't even try to wait one month between the taped hand and the hand catching the arrow. That's the kind of cliffhanger trick you use at the end of an issue and hope nobody remembers about the tape after one month. But to pull that shit across one page? Amateur! From this day forward, you, Nathan Edmondson, are my mortal enemy.

Oh fuck me! Yeah, that's a new fuck me! I was fucking exaggerating when I wrote his narration panels earlier!

Wow, I sure am saying "fuck" a lot! That shows I'm in a pure rage! I wonder if I send a letter to DC, I can get my money back for this issue. And I don't mean an email! An actual letter. Fuck, that's a good idea.

Grifter runs from Q-Core Headquarters right through the cover of a 1970s text book.

If it were an actual 1970s text book, the woman would be Asian.

The chase scene, well, the chase scene is...*sniff* It's so hard to type through the tears. The chase scene is just excruciating. Can 5 1/2 pages of comic be excruciating? Am I dulling the meaning of the word? Maybe. But perhaps I'll put everyone else through it as well. But not by scanning the pages in (well, maybe a few panels). But by describing the action! Maybe it'll sound better in a play by play! I'll begin with the panel just after Grifter pushes his way through the crowd (three's a crowd, amirite?!)

Panel 1: Green Arrow has left the lobby of Q-Core in downtown Seattle and is suddenly standing on the back of a semi-truck's trailer. The fantasy isn't that he suddenly hopped up on the back of this semi that just happened to be passing by so he could have a clear view of Grifter. The fantasy is a semi-truck being on the streets of downtown Seattle! A delivery truck I could believe. But an eighteen wheeler? Forget it!

Panel 2: Grifter runs into the Pink Elephant Car Wash while Green Arrow stands on his semi watching.

The panel only shows the bottom half of the sign. So I thought I'd show it in all its neon glory.

Panel 3: Grifter comes shooting out of the car wash in a stolen car with a spray of mist coming off the front of his car. Or he's driving through a poltergeist.

Panel 4: A close up of Panel 3 so the stupid idiotic reader can see that Grifter is behind the wheel. That's the creative team insulting the reader, not me! I'm being insulted here as well!

Panel 5: Green Arrow continues to aim at Grifter. I guess he's still on the back of the truck.

Panel 6: Grifter is undoing his belt and/or scratching his crotch yelling, "Dammit, dammit, dammit!"

Panel 7: Grifter is tying his belt to the steering wheel. He says, to nobody, "Two things I've always hated..."

Panel 8: Grifter shoots out the windshield.

Panel 9: Grifter turns on the cruise control. He says, " is traffic...I HATE traffic..." Wow! Italics and bold! He REALLY hates traffic!

Panel 10: Grifter has clambered out of the windshield to lie on his stomach on the hood of the car. Facing backwards.

Panel 11: Grifter getting up to a kneeling position. He says, "...the other..."

Panel 12: Grifter kneeling and shooting backwards while keeping the car straight with the belt. I can't say he's steering since he has no idea where he's going. He says, " tailgaters."I don't know. Is this a joke? Is he mad at Green Arrow chasing after him on foot? That's tailgating? Here's an idea! Don't get all fancy just to show your stupid belt trick idea! Just drive the fuck away really fast! Save the belt thing for a real car chase!

Panel 13: Green Arrow jumping off of the roof of a car. I don't know where his truck went. I guess he's been chasing after Grifter off-panel, going from car roof to car roof. You know, tailgating. Green Arrow shoots an arrow and misses. He says, "Okay, let's see if we can get a look at him now, Naomi." Naomi is that woman who sits in the Green Arrow Help Desk making fun of him as he tries to fight crime. She's running a camera on his bow so they can see who Grifter is.

Panel 14: Green Arrow on the roof of a yellow car, kneeling, while he nocks an arrow. He says, "So..." Also, he's not being shot. Grifter sucks! Non-moving target directly behind you, moron! Shoot him! Technically Green Arrow is moving forward. But he's right behind Grifter! Take some shots!

Panel 15: Green Arrow aiming. He says, "...who's behind the mask?"

Panel 16: Green Arrow's arrow takes off Grifter's mask.

Panel 17: Grifter kills himself by diving in front of his cruise control moving car so that he can recover his mask.

Okay, he doesn't die. Or hurt himself. Or dodge the car. The car just stops existing after this, okay? Like the tape!

Panel 18: Grifter puts his mask back on, shoots at Green Arrow, and says, "Gotcha!" Even though he doesn't.

Panel 19: Grifter falls on his ass. Why? I don't know. His reflexes finally failed him. There is a THUNK sound effect that maybe implies an arrow hit somewhere? And Grifter is yelling, "AAARGH!" But I think he just fell after diving for his mask and turning to shoot Green Arrow. He ran out of action points.

Panel 20: Grifter on the ground. Green Arrow's foot. Green Arrow says, "You missed." Grifter says, "So did you."

Panel 21: Green Arrow pointing a loaded bow at Grifter. Grifter pointing a possibly loaded gun at Green Arrow. Green Arrow says, "What's your business with Q-Core?" Grifter says, "What's yours?" Green Arrow says, "Right now, keeping innocent people out of your line of fire." Well, that's debatable.

Panel 22: Grifter says, "I'm not after anyone innocent, Archer. Just trying to clear my name and find out what Q-Core wants with me."

That's basically the end of the chase scene. It's not the end of the pain though. Grifter explains the aliens. Green Arrow, who has fought plenty of aliens himself and been resurrected as well, tells Grifter, "You're insane. Or you fake it well." Hey! Hey! Check out how well I can fake being insane!

"Aliens are after me!"

Did you buy it? Green Arrow would have. Anyway, just as Green Arrow is about to take Grifter into custody, the cops show up to try and take the credit. They surround him and Green Arrow disappears somewhere else because reality only counts panel to panel in this comic book.

I'm done scanning things out of this issue. I just can't take it anymore. But here's the narration panels for the next page.

Grifter: Regardless of how good you are, you sometimes get surprised.
Grifter: When you operate in the dark, sometimes the dark wins out.
Grifter: But sometimes there's a bit of sunlight left.
Grifter: And sometimes surprises come in twos.

Oh, shut up.

Tear gas lands around the policemen's feet. That's the second surprise! A woman on a bike rides up and tells Grifter to get on. Then they drive off, jumping off the front of the obligatory police car hood as the woman whacks a police man with a stick and yells, "Besa mi culo!" Nice. That cop was just trying to do his job, asshole!

I lied. Here's a panel that only speaks the truth. If a woman asks you to buy her a drink, she merely wants to be held.

That woman apparently works for Q Core. She'll probably be able to answer some of Grifter's questions next issue. Lucky him. Green Arrow wants Naomi to search for the term, Demon Knight, because Grifter told him about the Daemonites. Ha ha! All Green Arrow is going to learn about is that Paul Cornell is a better writer than J.T. Krul!

Oh yeah, and Gretchen is still trapped in Hell (just outside of Gotham) with some Daemonites of her own.

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