Hawk and Dove #1

Notice how Liefeld didn't draw the feet of those birds?! That's a Rob Liefeld Hater In-Joke.

Let's see if I can judge this comic at all without spiraling into an all-consuming hate-rant vortex because of Liefeld's art. Although what fun is that? I just can't wait until Liefeld writes and draws a DC comic!

But seriously! Just look at that cover! Rob Liefeld is a contemporary of Jim Lee. They did the whole Image thing together. They were both drawing in the same gritty over-the-top style. But Jim Lee's artwork has gotten better over time. Rob Liefeld's has stagnated and remained exactly the same. That could be the reason why Jim Lee is helping run DC Comics now and Liefeld is barely hanging on to one or two titles. Not that I'm suggesting that working for DC is some grand measurement of success. Far from it. But I am suggesting that it appears Lee has worked to move ahead in his career, like bettering his art, while Liefeld has just been content to remain where he was in 1992. Damn! I still sound like I'm judging slackers! I'm not! I am one! But if your passion is your art, don't you think you'd want to improve your art?

If I owned any old Liefeld comics (I don't), I could probably find a panel from 1993 that looks exactly like this picture.

Okay, forget that panel! I was going to start ranting about Liefeld already but first I need to hit the writer, Sterling Archer Gates, with a stick. Wow! What a genius summation of the American Political system! What a scathing attack on the two party system! The panel I couldn't scan said, "The balance is gone!" Yeah, because it was all balanced so well in the 20s when nobody was stopping the unchecked raging bullshit on Wall Street that led to everyone being rich by selling stocks they didn't actually own! And it was so balanced during the Red Scare of the fifties. And it was so fucking balanced in the 1860s that our country exploded into war. I get why he's making a talking point about balance. This is Hawk and Dove, after all. Chaos and Order. Violence and Peace. But this terrorist's manifesto may as well have been written by a third grader (especially the part about monsters fixing everything!). But who is this going to scare?

OH HAI CAPTAIN STUBING!

It'll scare everyone in the computer lab, that's who! Or the coffee shop? Is this a coffee shop? Because if it's a coffee shop, these people wouldn't be watching the news. They'd have their Word Documents opened to their unfinished novel they started junior year of high school. Unless this terrorist somehow forced his feed across every laptop in existence! He is a 'Science Terrorist', after all!

And just look at their faces! Are they shocked or giving oral sex to invisible beings? My favorite part is drawing the perfect profile on the one guy because any angle other than 1/2 is too fucking hard, goddammit!

I'm just rereading the first page and I need to go back to the terrorist's rant. He says, "The balance has shifted too far." Too far where? In which direction? That's a pretty important point here. Is he upset the balance is too far to the right? To the left? Is he referring to the checks and balances from earlier and thus suggesting the balance has shifted too far into the Supreme Court's hands? The President's? Congressesses's? Or is he just trying to say the government is out of control? Because, you know, just say that! Except that wouldn't fit with the theme of balance inherent in Hawk and Dove. So to fit the theme, just spout nonsense! I get it!

After these frightening news reports, the scene shifts to Hawk and Dove beating up the terrorist's allies on the cargo plane he reportedly stole.

This invisible alien has a fairly large cock.

The reader is introduced to Hawk and Dove by a little text blurb next to each of them.

HAWK
A.K.A Hank Hall
Avatar of War
Powers: Enhanced vision, agility, strength, body density and healing factor.

DOVE
A.K.A. Dawn Granger
Avatar of Peace
Powers: Enhanced intelligence, compassion, enhanced strength, flight, and danger sense.

As you can see, Dove prefers the Oxford Comma while Hawk probably just thinks it's FUCKING USELESS GARBAGE YOU STUPID TWAT! Was that a good imitation of the Avatar of War? Also, you'll note that 'Compassion' is a super power. I can buy that! How come Hawk doesn't also have the capability of flight? He's named after a bird for pigeon's sake! Oh, but he does get the enhanced vision. That's cool.

Dove is trying to land the plane safely while Hawk beats the crap out of everything that moves and yells at Dove for not landing the plane fast enough. The Avatar of War is a dick! But Dove's concern is that unless she gets the plane down safely, they'll "hit the Washington Monument." Seriously? The only way to not hit the skinny ass Washington Monument is to get the plane down safely? I'm pretty sure you can just turn right or left and crash into something else. There are other options! No wonder Hank is yelling at you, you dumb bird.

As Hawk beats up the normal guys, the zombie monsters being flown into Washington, DC, to solve all of our problems wake up and attack Hawk and Dove. And Hawk teaches the zombies "an important lesson."

Really, Hawk? I don't think everyone else in popular culture has gotten the message yet!

You heard it straight from the Hawk's mouth! Zombies are OVER! I hope not! Where's my Young Teen Romantic Zombie Fiction? And I don't mean just sticking zombies into Pride and Prejudice.

Hawk and Dove take care of the zombies and then need to fly the plane over the Washington Monument. But Dove has to fly outside and give the plane some control by flying under one of its wings. Meanwhile, the guy with enhanced strength is a big pussy.

Make your body more dense!

Hawk and Dove end up clipping the Washington Monument and shrugging their shoulders. "Enh. We did our best!" They land and Hawk berates Dove some more. It's like an episode of The Amazing Race!

"Stupid woman! Falls off the motorcycle! Friggin' scatterbrain!"

I can't believe Rob Liefeld is getting off so easy! I guess DC figured if they teamed him with a crappy writer and Rob does at least a decent art job, he'd be successful! One thing Rob suffers from much like Jim Lee and David Finch is the way he distinguishes gender. No, not the boobs. Every man's face is filled with cross-hatching and lines. The women all have smooth faces with no black ink on them at all. Men are obviously weathered from working out in the sun with their hands and doing man things! And women are soft and creamy from beauty treatments and eating bon bons while watching daytime television. Or maybe there's another less sexist explanation! But who looks for the less sexist explanation when one is discussing comic books? Amirite?

So Hawk and Dove meet up with Washi Watanabe, an agent of the DCPD Special Crimes Unit. This guy wears glasses which highlights another shortcut Liefeld loves. If you don't have to draw their eyes, it's much easier to make a symmetrical face! So Hawk and Dove have nice masks covering their eyes (which is why I think he got this job). And now Washi has sunglasses and just a few lines on his face. He's nearly androgynous!

Except not one single line would find its way onto a woman's face. Unless she was meant to be an old woman. Then she can have lines.

This guy gives them his card which is just a piece of paper that says "Watan" on it. Seriously. His thumb is hiding the rest of the name but there isn't enough room on the card to fit more than one more letter on it. And that letter would be up against the border. What a dumb business card! I'm going to make business cards for my company that say "YOUR FLO". After this encounter, Hawk and Dove fly off home.

A woman's work is never done.

Hank "Hawk" Hall goes off to whine to his dad about the new Dove being a total loser and why did his brother Don have to die in some Crisis or something and everything is unfair and why did I even get turned into the Avatar of War! Boo hoo. I liked it better when they were the Avatars of Chaos and Order.

Dawn "Dove" Granger goes to hang out with her dead boyfriend, Boston Brand, and mentions that she can never tell Hawk the truth about her origin! Mystery! And then, on the final page, Kestrel shows up.

Hey! He was created by Liefeld (and Barbara & Karl Kesel) in 1988! This is from the Who's Who 1990 Edition.

Oh man! OH MAN! I take it back! Rob Liefeld has improved! Look at that stance Kestrel is in at the bottom of the page! His ankle is broken on his extra long leg! And look at the pointy feet people love to make fun of! Oh! OH MAN! But that's not all! No sir bob's your uncle!

Hee hee! Remember way back at the beginning where I said if I had a Liefeld comic I could find a guy who looks exactly like the terrorist? Well?! WELL! And I only had three panels to look through! And notice how their eyes are all squinty and closed? Next best thing to sunglasses! Fuck, Liefeld. How is it so easy to peg you?

I love you, Rob Liefeld!