Friday, March 2, 2012

Frankenstein, Agent of S.H.A.D.E. #1

Where the hell did this title come from? House of Secrets in the seventies? House of Mystery? Actually, those are my only two guesses. Maybe it came into existence over the last few years. Wherever it came from, I'm excited to read it! Just look at that cover! Frank fighting with a sword and a chain the same time! Judas Priest! And the four armed gunfighter chick? Not as cool as Octoflare, the 4th dimensional gunfighting enemy of the Galactic Hero Corps that nobody's ever heard about. But she might be 1/4 as cool! And the domino masked Japanese school girl! Or maybe she's in the Navy. It's hard to tell! The only thing I don't like about the cover is the comic is only rated Teen instead of Teen Plus. Not that I've really been able to tell the difference! Animal Man was Teen Plus and it was tamer than Batman and Robin!

The series begins in Bone Lake, Washington. See how I resisted making a boner joke? A man and his grandson are fishing. Scene set.

Never say anything like this ever even if you think you're not currently in a comic book or horror movie. Just don't tempt fate!

Great! You just know somebody is going to get bitten! And then the dog growls and wanders off into the brush! That's your second warning, Grandpa! Don't follow a growling dog into the bushes! Seriously, people! If we all just thought like Jamie Kennedy's character in the Scream movies, we'd all experience a lot less dismemberment! Because you know this old guy is going to follow the dog into the bushes. And then he's going to find a big pile of meat and blood that doesn't come when you call it. And then he's going to get killed. Although, this is just a Teen book! Maybe he'll just poop his overalls!

I knew this happened because I turned the page after posting the first picture. But we all knew something horrible like this was going to happen just I said when I warned against tempting fate!

The title of this story arc is "War of the Monsters: Monster Town, USA." I think it's going to involve monsters!

S.H.A.D.E. stands for Super Human Advanced Defense Executive. Okay, so it makes sense but I still think the Executive part is a bit awkward. How about Some Hideously Amorphous Deformed Entrepreneurs? Severely Handicapped Awkward Dick Enthusiasts? Sex Having Asexual Dandelion Eaters? I could do this all day!

But I won't.

The SHADE Headquarters (yeah, I'm dropping the punctuation. I've got a life to lead!) exists in a three inch tiny sphere floating around the city. The technology was developed by The Atom, Ray Palmer. Probably because he's one of the classic monsters: the Incredible Shrinking Man. He was a monster, right? He was mean to a cat so that makes him a monster in my book!

Shrinking Heroes Ardently Denying Everything?

Frankenstein arrives in SHADE city for the first time and meets up with his cohort, Father Time. Father Time is the young Asian lady from the cover. He randomly chooses a new body as his host every decade. I'm not sure why he would then choose to have 'Father' as part of his code name. Unless that's his first name!

Stupid Hacks Applying Disingenuous Eponyms?

Frankenstein begins quoting Milton but not on the walls in the victim's blood. Palmer says he's a Keats man so I'm guessing he's going to say "Beauty is truth, truth beauty. That's all you need to know something something something. Or whatever," at some point.

Frankenstein's first order of business is to find out what happened to his bride. Turns out the grandfather was eaten by the monsters and then the rest of the town was as well. SHADE sent Frank's bride in to take care of business but she disappeared when she was getting close to the source. She's the woman with multiple arms on the cover.

Silly Hipsters Against Downloading EPs?

Frankenstein now has six hours to retrieve his wife and stop the army of monsters! Six hours will probably take about four issues.

Frank and Father Time head to Bone Lake but before Frank can begin his mission, he has to be introduced to his new team! None of them are Abbot or Costello. But they are a bunch of monsters! Yay! Dr. Nina is a creature from the black lagoon.Warren Griffith is a werewolf. Vincent Velcoro was a pilot and now is a vampire crossbreed using a modified form of the Langstrom Serum. I remember something somewhere about a Langstrom Serum. But I don't remember which comic it was from. And the final member is Khalis the Mummified Medic! This comic book is about to rock my socks off. Wait, let me put some socks on before I finish this.

Socks Hurled Away Despite Elastic?

I think the mummy Khalis is my favorite so far. He claims to be an actual ancient mummy with powers of life and death. At least he can speak. If he couldn't speak and only went, "Unnnnnhhhhhhh," my pal, I mean, Grunion Guy's pal Super Mummy might have to sue him.

Once inside the town, The Creature Commandos kick a lot of monster butt. They make their way to a church where Khalis can feel the heartbeat of many survivors. Once they break in, they find an old woman and a crapload of children. The old woman, of course, threatens to send them all to hell. Because, you know, they're hiding from monsters and then the rescuers look like monsters! Duh!

Squirrel Hating Assholes Desiring Entropy?

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