Legion of Super-Heroes #2

Superman Lite to the rescue!

Here's a shot of the first page of Issue #2:

Phantom Girl's real name is Tiny Wazoo!

When I first saw this page, I thought, "Fuck! I have to learn more Legionnaires!" And then I realized they were just recapping everyone's names. Well, at least the creative team realizes there are too many Goddamned characters in this comic book! I'm sure the Legionnaire fanbois opened this comic up and snorted at the text boxes, "Duh! Of course that's Phantom Girl!" I, for one, thank the creative team for expecting me to never remember who any of these characters are.

All of those Legionnaires on that page instantly get their asses handed to them by the Daxamite. Daxamites are basically Kryptonians. I don't know what the differences are except the planet that they come from. And the other Legionnaires have maybe one power each and they're all pretty silly and crappy. The only one who doesn't get the shit beat out of her is Phantom Girl because her power is to hide from things. But I'm sure Daxamites have that X-Ray vision bullshit so he'll find her pretty soon. Even though if her power to be invisible isn't a very good power if it only bends light visible to humans. Especially since the Legionnaires are an intergalactic police force. She should really bend all light across the entire spectrum to keep from being seen. Maybe she can and the Daxamite will use some other great power to find her, like his Super Breath or his Super Hearing! Oh yeah! That's it!

Bullshit bullshit bullshit!

Back in the Time Lab (probably just like a college computer lab where everyone is wasting time playing computer games), Brainiac 5 makes up some stupid crap about how the time stream has changed due to an even in the past that somehow didn't change the way the time stream worked in the 31st Century until September 3011. See how that doesn't make sense? Everyone sees how that doesn't make sense, right? RIGHT?! The clock is not always ticking in San Dimas! The clock has tocked.

I think the DCnU concept of time is just everyone from across all time shoved into one tiny room as they kick and elbow each other to make more space for themselves. But not just everybody is in that room! Every single version of everybody is in that room! And sometimes Flash decides to kick himself in the balls and then everything breaks down as 'kicked in the balls' Flash pings around the room in pain while kicking every other single person in the universe in the balls (or the vagina) at the same time! And that's how the New 52 happened!

Anyway, Brainiac 5 thinks he can do something about it. Ha! Good luck! It's not like you're Ambush Bug or something.

Back on whatever planet they were on that sounded like a Greek Dessert, the Daxamite is trying to get the Legionnaires to sell out Phantom Girl. I don't know how he thinks they would know where she is! Not one of them is named See Invisibility Lad. But Ultra Boy does reveal a key difference between Daxamites and Kryptonians! Daxamites are killed by lead! Yes. Heavy metals poison them. No wonder they never caught on! At least Superman's weakness was to something that barely existed.

Phantom Girl is hiding somewhere mysterious and lead shrouded. She says the Daxamite won't have the imagination to look down. What does that mean? Oh! Phantom Girl's power is Intangibility not Invisibility! My error! So she must have gone all incorporeal and sunk down into the ground to hide. She also alerted the other Legionnaires with her Flight Ring Emergency Beacon. I'm sure it has a proper name but I don't know it.

Brainiac 5 has received the signal and sent Mon El to rescue the Legionnaires. That's because Mon El is also a Daxamite. He has some kind of immunization to Lead Poisoning, so he's better than Superman even. They also send Element Lad and Cosmic Boy because Element Lad, apparently, also has the power defeat a Daxamite. I guess they send Cosmic Boy to navigate to Panoptes.

Polar Boy? Is the writer just making them up as he goes?

Meanwhile, at the Graveyard of Super Heroes, Polar Boy hits on Comet Girl. "Oh, the light is so beautiful amongst the corpses and the crying."

And then Mon El arrives to save the day and things really get homoerotic!

And then the penis ships arrive!

Hey! This scene reminds me of a scene from The Galactic Hero Corps zine my friends and I put out in the mid-nineties! It was from a story called Darkest Day and this scene was illustrated by Daniel Justice.

I think the Legion picture is more phallic.

The Legion of Super-heroes comic was pretty much what I expected. No worse or no better. But The Galactic Hero Corp zine is hilarious! If anybody wants a set, I've got lots of left overs with various artists. Issue Zero is even done by Dan Santat, the creator of the Disney cartoon, The Replacements. Yeah, I know people and shit.

I mean, I like, you know, used to know some people. A few guys. Here and there. Sort of.