Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Hawk and Dove #2

Do Hawk and Dove only fight bird villains?

Kestrel versus Condor

Well, pardon the fuck out of me! The surprise villain from the end of last issue was Condor and not Kestrel! Maybe if Liefeld had a little more imagination and I could remember the colors of a minor crappy character's costume (a character I shouldn't have recalled at all anyway!), I might have gotten it right. I just didn't think Liefeld would actually create three different characters (counting Hawk) that all wear the same costume.


Shit. Four different characters counting this guy, Osprey. Yeah, yeah, I get it. It's a theme. The Lords of Chaos and Order Gods of War and Peace like their Avatars to wear matching outfits. I think Kestrel was the Avatar of Murder. I don't know who Osprey and Condor are the avatars of. I think Condor might be the Avatar of Cannibalism.

Anyway, Osprey is manacled to a free standing metal (possibly plastic) chair in the middle of an empty warehouse. At least I think he's manacled. He's shown on the first page with big metal cuffs on his wrists. But since Liefeld avoids drawing his hands and his feet, it's really hard to tell. But from what I see, Osprey should just stand up and fight back! Even if his hands are chained together and the chain goes under the seat of the chair, it's just a lousy auditorium chair! It's not like it's bolted to the ground! Although I guess it could be since Liefeld never shows his feet.

Condor has been searching for this Osprey guy for a long time so that his sidekick, Rachel Felps, can kill him and absorb his Avatarness. Which is what she does! And then she begins speaking in tongues!

She's saying, "An indecipherable language, this is." Also, notice that Osprey doesn't even have manacles at this point!

After killing Osprey, Rachel takes a new name which transforms her into an Avatar.

She has feet! But that means fists instead of open hands. Don't ask Liefeld to do both in one picture!

I don't know how this Avatar thing works. Once she gets the power, does she need to say the name of a bird to become an Avatar? Or can she say any word? Whatever bird she says, will her costume look exactly the same except for the cape and color? Does the name she chooses somehow decide what Avatar she becomes? Or is she whatever Avatar Osprey was but with a new name and boobs?

Whatever the case, Swan and Condor head off in search of Hawk and Dove. I'd still like to know who Swan, Condor, and Osprey are the Avatars of! But I don't think Sterling Gates is going to supply that information because he's too busy writing award winning dialogue.

That should be Delta's slogan: "No need to fly when we can just smash!"

I think asking a big dumb stupid ape if he realizes what his name means is a fair question. I'm sure Sterling thought he would have a great moment in the comic where he addresses this issue and his was all he could come up with. I imagine he ran about the DC Offices going up to people saying, "Have you ever noticed that Hawk is named after a bird and yet he can't fly?!" I always think the same thing about Robin!

Oh! Is Robin an Avatar as well? And Raven? I think Raven is the Avatar of Hell and Robin is the Avatar of Suck.

Hawk and Dove are busy destroying the Science Terrorist's lab and his Monsters of Mass Destruction when Deadman barges in to check up on Dove. And even though Hawk bitched and moaned all last issue about how he couldn't stand the way Dove acted as his partner, and he whined and cried to his daddy about how that woman was ruining the whole gig, he acts like he cares for two panels! Just enough time to make Deadman jealous!

He doesn't give a fuck if she's okay.

Don't worry, Deadman. You'll be breaking up with her in Justice League Dark pretty soon anyway.

Hawk isn't doing this to make Deadman jealous on purpose since he has no idea Deadman is there. Hawk is doing this because the writer, Mr. Sterling Gates, wanted to create some drama and conflict even if he had to ignore the Hawk character that he was writing in Issue One.

Hawk and Dover finish killing the zombie robots (I think they're minor OMACs) and head off to a dinner in honor of Hank's Dad. Here is Hank's dad telling a strange woman the background for the banquet.

Why is she so shocked? Why is she hugging him and twiddling his tie?

I was just going to post that panel but I need to post the entire page so you can see just how ridiculous this moment is. Did Liefeld think this woman was the Judge's date when he drew this? But she's just some usher or something who calls him Mr. Hall and he calls her miss! And she never appears again!

Hank's dad invited an old girlfriend of Hank's. Her name is Ren so if she has an Avatar, you know what it's name will be! Sparrow! Here is an awkward picture of her.

"I am a robot Barbie. My dress has a belly button. Beep."

And then all hell breaks loose when Condor and Swan bust in on the festivities.

Condor choking Judge Hall and almost but not quite choking the President. Yeah, yeah. That's the president. Can't you tell? It's a black man in a tuxedo! Hmm, that wasn't meant to sound like a racist joke! It was meant to be a jab at Liefeld and how he can't actually do likenesses! Hell, he can't even make Condor's hand touch the president!

After this issue, I'm not changing Hawk & Dove's rank at all. Sure, I complained a lot. And maybe I enjoyed the comic more than I should have because I just love pointing out all of the stupid shit in it! But the story is, at least, moving along. Characters have slightly better motivations than just wanting to kill someone or protect something. Although Condor just wants to kill stuff. Maybe I'm being too nice! But it is only Issue #2! Things can really break down if Issue #3 is simply a long ass fight between Hawk and Swan and Condor and Dove.

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