Legion of Super-Heroes #4

It did not take a legion to take him down! It took two Legionnaires! That's all!

Renegade has been captured and incarcerated in this, um, uh, well, hmm....

In the year 3000, they put your dick in prison first.

Apparently the only way to keep a Daxamite chained is to stuff his penis into a space anchor and wrap his hands around his scrotum. And judging by the arm veins, the whole machine makes him masturbate constantly. There are probably space snakes inside this thing gnawing on his junk as well. Also the goggles that make him look at kittens and puppies while he gets off.

It's apparent to everyone that this really, really, really dangerous Daxamite is going to break free from his masturbation prison, so Element Lad decides it's time for a training session!

If Inertron is the strongest material in the universe but Renegade just broke it, doesn't that make Renegade the strongest material in the universe?

With Renegade now rampaging all over the place, Element Lad calmly talks Chemistry Kid through Biology 101: How to Shut Down an Organic's Vital Functions Via Chemical Processes. Chemical Kid slows down his carbohydrate catabolisms and his phototropisms and Renegade passes the fuck out. It's like an episode of House all of a sudden!

How does one utilize that power? How do you force a chemical reaction in someone to change speed? And if his power is to catalyze chemical reactions, how is he supposed to slow them down? Doesn't a catalyst just speed up a reaction? Or cause one to occur? But it doesn't slow one down?! I guess with 1800 Legionnaires, a few of them are going to have stupid powers but still not stupid enough to be in the Legion of Substitute Heroes.

Back on the Dominator's ship, Chameleon Boy decides acting like a Dominator might get him into too much trouble since he doesn't know their customs. So he changes into a fly and immediately sets off all of their alarms. Nice one, Daggle!

A squad of Legionnaires has headed off to Daxam to investigate what happened to Renegade and how he got his hands on the same Lead Immunization Potion that Mon El has. They discover that Renegade found some Kryptonite and the Daxamites have been experimenting with it. And Kryptonite is a restricted substance.

One thing they don't find are Lightning Lass's pants.

But figuring out the Kryptonite thing means that the potion Renegade was using would have eventually killed him, unlike Brainiac 5's Lead Immunization Potion. Chameleon Boy hides and reverts back to Dominator form and nobody notices. So that was a little bit of conflict that never went anywhere. And he gets a message to the rest of the Legionnaires that lets them know where the fleet is. The Legionnaires fly out, threaten the Dominators, tell them never to come back without permission, and watch them fly home humbled. Then the Legionnaires go back to Panoptes to get the rest of their friends and go home. First story arc over.

I guess I learned a little bit about the Legion of Super-heroes. Like how they take themselves too seriously. And the can all do amazing feats with their single limited stupid powers. And how I'm pretty sure I'd rather be reading about the Legion of Substitute Heroes instead! At least the Legion didn't get their asses beat three comics in a row simply to come back and win through in the fourth issue. They were pretty much successful the whole way through. With one tiny little setback before Mon El came to help them.

The comic is decent if you want to pass a little time before dying. But it really is bland. I hope something gets dramatic somewhere fast. Maybe I should be allowed to cancel a title or two?! I'd actually rather read Green Arrow because there's so much material to make fun of! Oh well. I'm done with the first four issues of all 52 titles. Finally! Now I've got, um, Issues 5-7. I don't think I'm making much headway.