Red Hood and the Outlaws #37

Drink up, asshole.

Trigger warning for poorly written characters using addiction to represent dealing with the pains of their pasts because God forbid anybody in this day and age can figure out how to deal with their own problems. Dealing with your problems is bullshit because then how will everybody else know that you're in more pain than they are due to life being what it is (you know, bullshit. Like dealing with your problems!). It's better to spiral out of control to prove a point than to care about yourself and figure out your own shit. Better to slap labels on yourself to declare yourself off limits from being criticized because you've been diagnosed. Better to fucking hide and blame everybody else for the shit you don't want to deal with because it's too much and nobody in history has ever had to deal with the shit you're dealing with now. There's really only one trigger warning that matters.

Trigger Warning for the existential pain brought on by the loneliness of never being able to make a real connection with anybody in your life. Not because there is something deficient in you but because there is something deficient in all of us. The greatest sin is to believe your sin is without forgiveness. And the greatest source of loneliness and despair is to think that you're the only one full of loneliness and despair. Unless you possess some kind of telepathic power that enables your mind to be fully encompassed in another mind, you'll never connect with anybody as closely as you'd like. Even when you think you've found a partner that you're completely open with and with whom you share everything, you'll wake up one morning from a dream in which they were acting contrary to what you thought you knew about them and it'll eat away at your heart for the rest of day, hopefully becoming less and less terrifying as you engage in your daily mundane, rote existence until the fear of their betrayal becomes just more cobwebs in the corner of your brain, easy enough to ignore and which you can, probably, live with.

Hi Roy!

I said, "Hi Roy!"

Oh right! Right! And I'm just reading a comic book. Why am I responding to it?

If this is a memory, who are you talking to? Why are you explaining things to yourself? Are you drunk? No, wait. Do you know I'm here?! Can you see me, Roy Harper? Do you understand that you're in a comic book?

Oh, Roy! Don't be so hard on yourself! This is probably why you're an alcoholic. I bet this poor kid put too much pressure on himself to be perfect so that his parents would stop fighting, amirite?!

Why so defensive? I believe you! Now get on with projecting your telepathic memory so that I can watch it as you tell me what's going on, or whatever is happening here. Oh right. I'm reading a poorly written comic book.

I bet the volcano was set up by some kid super proud of his great science experiment, quivering in anticipation as he pictured the judges who would excitedly watch it smolder and then overflow with fake lava that was really just baking soda or something. And then the kid with the Cyborg Dinosaur walked into the room and volcano kid's shoulders sagged, a small tear came to one eye, and he slowly walked outside and threw himself in front of a bus.

Yes you do. This is a memory. That's what you get when you remember. And your dad, in this memory, is in a suit. So, quid pro caveat emptor, you big dumb dumb!

Of course that's all you wanted, Roy. Of course. You needy fucking prick. Do you think you're the only character in DC Comics with Daddy Issues? Get in fucking line.

Why does the reader need to catch up? We already read that part of the story. Are you sure you're not drunk?

You know, I don't have to be reminded of who you are every issue, Roy. And is Ollie really a millionaire? I think he either lost all of his money and his corporation in his own comic. Unless he got it back and then the statement is still wrong because then he'd be a billionaire.

These Narration Boxes serve the same purpose as having no Narration Boxes.

Roy is definitely drunk because I don't think New 52 Oliver Queen actually had anything to do with any business decision at Queen Industries ever. Unless it was an event with an open bar. I guess there was that small window of time during Giffen's short run where Ollie tried to make a go of being a business person. But then he was on a short leash and his handlers never would have let him get away with shit like this. And anyway, Scott Lobdell, since it seems you want to get "meta" with your characters and allow them to speak directly to your "audience" for "you," a better way to answer your critics than being a huge baby and flipping them off? Concentrate on writing better stories. Believe it or not, critics don't hate you just because you're you. They hate you because you suck at what you do. Stop worrying about the naysayers and concentrate on improving your crap. I mean craft!

I hate when people offer helpful advice.

Yeah, wouldn't want a guy who always gives you good advice hanging around with you. Oliver is such an asshole.

He didn't ask you to apologize. It's gauche to assume everybody wants you to apologize for being rich.

So Roy goes to work for Marvel Comics and loses the rights to all the great characters he created and stories that were turned into Saturday Morning Cartoons.

That's not an equation. It's a court case.

Anyway, it goes on like this for a lot more pages with Scott Lobdell feeling the incessant need to comment on his own story in the "voice" of Roy Harper. He might as well just be masturbating on every page. Splotches of semen would probably detract less than the constant Narration Boxing.

What happens is Roy enjoys his life working for Queen Industries. But maybe he enjoys it too much and so he constantly gets drunk and embarrasses himself and works his hardest to destroy the first real happiness he ever had. And then after it all comes crumbling down, he begins to lie to himself that it was never actually good in the first place and he was better off not being a part of Oliver Queen's life.

Oh, but first Roy finds out Ollie is Green Arrow and, just like Madison over in Futures End and everybody else that is a narcissistic asshole that doesn't understand that nobody owes you everything, he's hurt that Oliver didn't tell him who he was and that he was using Roy's inventions for his Green Arrow gig. Like that matters? Roy agreed that whatever he invented wasn't his anyway. This is why you never hire a kid with Daddy Issues.

I guess this is the icing on the cake? That Roy's superhero name is taken as a reminder of how betrayed he felt by his new father figure? Just another sad sack that can't believe in himself without being told by somebody else to believe in himself. Just another asshole that needs to be inspired by some other asshole that was once inspired to be inspiring. Fucking Speedy would have been a better name at this point.

This is one of those stories people tell about themselves which they think portrays them in a good light but really just shows how big of an asshole they are. I love when people tell stories like that.

I didn't think it was possible to hate Roy Harper any more. I guess I was wrong! Poor fucking Roy. I wonder if this is the same tantrum Henry Fyff threw before he left with Naomi? Or that other kid whose name I forget but he died before he could storm off upset that his technology was the only thing that made Green Arrow "Green Arrow." Fuck you, Roy Harper.

I'm going to go build myself a big bonfire to keep myself warm at night after this! And I'll be using all of my Red Hood comic books!

The issue ends with Roy thanking Oliver for still wanting to have something to do with him even though he's been a right spoiled piece of shit "Poor Me! Poor Me!" asshole that I can't fucking stand.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #37 Rating: -1 Ranking because of the incessant Narration Boxes. Holy shit. This comic probably reads better without reading the Narration Boxes. I don't know for sure though because I'm not about to try rereading it. How did I come away from this comic book liking Green Arrow more than I ever did?! I guess if Scott Lobdell was trying to write Roy as a despicable human being than kudos! But I have a suspicious feeling that this story was meant to make Roy a sympathetic character. And I don't doubt it worked for some people. But I probably don't like those people either.

Justice League #37

Is Superman saving Lex from whatever is trying to kill him?

What if the Amazo Virus gave you immortality? That would trump the part of the virus that causes your blood to turn black and your brain to boil, right? What if it just gave you immunity to viruses? Would you then just lose the virus and then lose your immunity to viruses and then die from the flu?

Batman begins this issue with a Seventh Grade Report on the worst diseases mankind has ever faced. It's a Seventh Grade Report because he leaves out the Spanish Flu and doesn't really flesh out the two diseases he does mention. I give him a C+, partly because the entire presentation was wanting and, since I'm grading on a curve, I have to say Hawkman often gave more entertaining oral reports to start off his comic books.

At the end of last issue, Batman and Superman had confronted Patient Zero. It turns out it isn't Jimmy Olsen like I had hoped. It's just some guy named Ikarus that was working at LexCorps. Lex Luthor needs a sample of his blood if he's going to create a cure for the Amazo Virus. I'm still not sure how this guy contracted it if the virus wasn't airborne. I think maybe Lex Luthor is lying and he absolutely created it to be airborne because he's a dickhole.

Other Robin ideas: Bat-Lube (Dick Grayson), Bat-Crowbar (Jason Todd), Bat-Bat (Tim Drake), Batling Gun (Damian Wayne).

Patient Zero's super power is if he can see it, he can do it. The power might actually be "if he can think it, he can do it," but this guy isn't very imaginative. He's the kind of asshole that gets movies, books, and games in trouble because the writers think of the crazy shit to due in a fictional world and then unimaginative assholes like this guy glom onto the idea and enact it in real life. This causes big stupid dumb-dumb journalists to ask probing questions like "Is the auteur to blame for other people's idiocy?" Then all the fearful mothers send letters to Mtv and force Beavis to stop saying "Fire! Fire!"

Apparently the Amazo Virus can survive indefinitely outside of a host so the world is doomed. Also, why does the fucking virus need a host if it can survive outside of the host body indefinitely? Maybe the world isn't as doomed as Superman first thought! It's mutated beyond the need for a host and can now live freely and peacefully alongside humans! Yay! This story is over!

Lex's sister Lena asks Luthor why he invented the Amazo Virus because she must be a big dumb dumb head. Why does Lex do anything?! Because he's obsessed with ridding the world of Superman. And since his crappy Amazo Virus only affects humans, he locked it away in storage until he could figure out a way for it to infect Kryptonians. But now it's too late and everybody but Superman is going to die.

How could you be so cynical, Captain Cold?! Come on now!

And then some idiot named "Bullet" explodes onto the scene and tells Lex he's going to kill Lex for money. Shouldn't he just kill him and go? Why waste time explaining why you're suddenly in the comic book? Just fucking do what you're being paid to do, asshole.

Bullet does shoot Lex's off-panel head on one of the next couple of pages. But since it isn't shown then it didn't happen! I'm sure Captain Cold created an ice shield or something before Bullet's bullet could meet Lex's brain.

And finally, Batman's Haz-Bat Suit gives up the ghost, leaving Batman exposed to the Amazo Virus. Batman's new power will probably be to emit pheromones. Look out, ladies! And gents too, I guess.

Justice League #37 Rating: No change. This cover was silly! I guess it represents Superman's most secret fantasy that he can never tell anybody or else they'll know he's a monster capable of horrible evils. Although everybody likes Superman and hates Lex Luthor. I think they'd forgive him for killing Luthor. The judge at his trial would probably be all, "Do we even need to do this? I mean, Lex was kind of a dick. Who can blame you, Supes? By the way, why isn't Clark Kent covering this trial? I was really hoping for an autograph from the guy that exposed Morgan Glenmorgan-Morgan Glennglenn Glennmorgan!" And the jury foreman will be all, "Not guilty, right guys?" And everybody will be all, "Yeah! Yeah! Not guilty!" Except that one guy in the back that just moved to Metropolis who says, "Not so fast. Maybe we should really think this over first." And one of the other jurors will be all, "Oh, come on Malone! Nobody here's going to find any reason to convict that boy scout for killing a monster like Lex!" And Malone will strike a match and say, "I've got reasons. Oh boy, do I have reasons. Let's go to the deliberating room and Twelve Angry Men this bitch!"

Batman and Robin #37

Batman and Robin donate cans of Split Pea Soup to Gotham's Campaign to Feed the Hungry and Insane.

Last issue (pronounced 'iss-yew' because I've become a pretentious snob since embarking on my campaign to become the next Poet Laureate of Portland, Oregon), Darkseid had finally come to see what all the hullabaloo was on his planet. It was, of course, Batman trying to get his dead son's corpse back. Except Damian might not be as dead as you'd expect. But he isn't quite as alive as you'd expect either. It was more like he was a survivor in a plane crash and was currently dealing with Polar Bears, Smoke Monsters, and a severe heroin addiction.

Anyway (do I say 'anyway' too much? That and 'meanwhile' are probably my top words for this blog, right after 'fuck'), now Darkseid is about to get his ass kicked by Hellbatman and the Batkids (guest staring Cyborg and Titus). Or, more likely, Darkseid will just be taunted by Batman until he uses his Omega Effect to accidentally bring Damian back to life. Unless he does it on purpose! I bet if he does it on purpose, it will come with some kind of Stephen King curse in a Maine accent: "You reap what you sow, Batman. Ayuh. You reap what you sow."

This issue is called "Black Hole Son" because Damian is only ten years old, otherwise it might have been called "Man in the Box."

The only other person I can see standing up to Darkseid like this is Preboot Amanda Waller. Fuck. Now I want to see that. Can that happen in this convergence thing?! Darkseid versus Preboot Amanda Waller? Hey DC? Can I write that?! I'd also like to see Cheeks versus Brother Geek. Since Brother Geek appeared briefly in Green Team, that can be a possibility!

Batman punches Darkseid in the face and now I'm wondering when this takes place. Maybe Darkseid is behind the chaos in Batman Eternal! And Damian has just been off in dance class during every issue which is why we haven't seen him yet.

Darkseid returns the favor with some kind of one legged piledriver? It's hard to name wrestling moves that can't be done normally because most wrestlers aren't three times as big as their opponents (at least not since Andre the Giant died).

I think this is some kind of Superfly Smash or something?

I think to defeat Darkseid, Batman is going to have to get him in a Figure Four while Cyborg puts a Sleeper Hold on him and Batgirl gets him in a Camel Clutch. I think that's about all the wrestling moves I remember.

Batman throws a weak upper punch as Batgirl tries to fix Cyborg's BOOM Tube circuitry. Too bad it's located in his pelvis so she's completely distracted by his penis. And it's not helping that every time Cyborg sees her eyes glance toward it, a little more blood flows into it and it flinches and grows. I bet Batgirl grabs it in both hands and screams, "One chance left to jump start the BOOM Tube!" as she closes her eyes and...well, you know.

I think this was Andre the Giant's signature move!

The BOOM Tube opens as Batgirl wipes her mouth and Darkseid finally blasts Batman with his Omega Beams. Surprise! That's just what Batman wanted! He catches the Omega Beams in the Chaos Shard and powers up his suit with the limitless energy of Darkseid's eyeball's ejaculate.

That settles it. Nobody can beat Batman.

Everybody makes it through the BOOM Tube and Alfred begins serving sandwiches to celebrate. Except first Batman has to shed his Hellbat Suit and plunge the Chaos Crystal into Damian's heart as he bellows something about the Omega Sanction equaling life. Also, this somehow cures his Apokolyptian acne. Anyway, it works because comic books.

Why is Alfred in his 90s Comic Book Alfred Costume?

And then Batman collapses and Damian screams "Father!" and Batgirl says "OMG!" and Alfred thinks about asking for a raise and Red Robin says "Holy crap" and Red Hood says that too and Cyborg goes, "Whut?! Whut?! Can somebody tell me what's going on?!" because he's in pieces and strapped to Titus's back or something.

So that's it! Damian Wayne is back and everything can go back to normal, right? Right? What's that? There's still one more Robin Rises book left, you say?! I'm sure it's just thirty pages of Robin saying things like, "So where's Dick?" and "Don't lie to me about Dick" and "What kind of secret mission is Dick on?" and "When can I go visit Dick?"

Batman and Robin #37 Rating: +1 Ranking. Why is Highfather going through so much trouble over in Godhead to find a way to defeat Darkseid? Hasn't he heard about Batman?!

Batwoman #37

Clayface loves watching vampires fuck.

Now that I'm writing sonnets and being all highbrowed and shit, I'm not sure I should have begun with the vampires fucking line. That could give the tenured professors I attracted to my blog the wrong idea about how intellectual I am! I'd better write another sonnet to get them back on my good side!

Sonnet #Clayface

Does anybody know where vampires fuck?
It's something that I really need to see.
This line ends with a word that rhymes with fuck.
This line should have a word that rhymes with see.

This stanza here is all about Clayface.
Also about the general state of man.
And woman too, of course; there's just no space
To be socially just in every scan.

Now where was I? Oh yeah! Clayface had just
Begun to mope about his life's lost zest,
And the love of his life and her big brust
(I'm sure that's some archaic word for breast).

A man of many faces might I be.
The one that matters most, you'll never see.

Holy fucking shit! I am a genius the likes of which the world has never seen! Sonnet #Clayface might be my best sonnet ever!

The strangest thing you've ever said? Please. Like you've never shouted, "Ram your beautiful blooming piss factory into my gaping maw so my eager pleasure muscle can bring your throbbing love button to an intense state of indescribable quivering ecstasy!"

Earlier in the night, Batwoman threatened a reporter or an ex-girlfriend or just some Nocturna hater. She doesn't want her vendettaing Natalia Mitternicht because that's her vampire girlfriend now. Or her vampire sex mistress. Or just some person that comes by to fuck Kate when she's blackout drunk and won't remember it in the morning. Which is probably a good thing since the act involves a lot of biting and bleeding and pacts to the dark mistress Satan.

Back at Jason Blood's house, Etrigan mentions how he never wants Jason Blood inside him ever again, and Jason Blood says, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't know who you've been talking to but I ain't into fucking animals." Then Etrigan begins to strangle him and then Batwoman enters and says, "Step away from the naked man." Hmm, I would have ended that with an exclamation point. But then I end over 90% of all of my sentences with one! See?

Meanwhile, some thieves take off with Ragman's Celtic cookie.

Does anybody else think the magic cookie has something to do with Etrigan's sudden appearance? Is that why the burned up cult guy recognized Jason Blood? Were they summoning Etrigan with the virginal sacrifice? I like to believe that scenario since Etrigan should be sharing time with some squatter in London, as seen in Stormwatch Number I don't remember the number (what am I? An editor?).

Really? Strained? Your insult would hold more weight if that were true but this is some of Etrigan's best rhyming so far in the whole New 52! Especially that crack against women! Ha ha! Cowards!

His rhyming later in the encounter gets significantly worse. I'm going to have to admit that Batwoman has a better ear for rhyme than I do. Although she later calls Etrigan's rhymes a "haiku" so maybe she doesn't know anything at all about poetry and rhyme. Perhaps she's simply gained powers of prognostication with the vampire blood now coursing through her so she heard his future rhymes before he rhymed them.

Batwoman and Etrigan manage to say enough during the fight so that they realize the true villains in the current scenario are the robed cult that summoned Etrigan from out of the British squatter. Batwoman learns the cult are trying to resurrect Morgan le Fay which Etrigan assures her is a bad idea. He really drives home the point by rhyming "all" with "all." I guess this quest will get them in contact with Ragman and his Morgan le Fay summoning cookie. But how will Clayface join the team?! And Beth! Or Alice? Whatever.

Clayface is captured by the Cookie Thieves. Easily. Jesus, Batman goes through so much trying to catch this guy and all he needed to do was refer to him as Mr. Karlo and appeal to his acting ability?

Etrigan sniffs vampire sex juice in Kate Kane's wig and points out that she might need a little mystic hoodoo to clean out her system. For the moment, at least, Kate and Natalia's link is broken. Darn. I hope that doesn't mean their relationship is over and now Kate is going to report Natalia to Maggie for sexual molestation and near cannibalism and breaking and entering and holding her hand in public and looking like the most adorable couple ever when they really weren't although come on! They were so cute together! They shouldn't end the relationship simply because it started out on the rape foot! Um, wrong foot! I mean, at the very least, can't we consider it was an ambiguous foot and all agree that they're too cute together to make a fuss about how they first got together?!

Can't everybody just agree for my sake to say, "You know, we're all kind of weirded out by the way Nocturna broke into Kate's apartment and took advantage of her while she was pretty drunk. But for Tess's sake, let's just look at the situation with a less critical eye. I mean, Nocturna did tell Kate that she wasn't Maggie. She didn't lie to her! Sure, Kate was still drunk but it was on wine and how blotto can one really get on wine, right? She was just a bit sleepy at first and thought, 'Oh, hey, Maggie wants to fuck.' But then her vision cleared and she saw it was hot, sexy Nocturna (who, by the way, said, 'I'm not Maggie') and said to herself, 'Oh yeah! I need this random hook-up to make me feel better about the mess I made with my relationship with Maggie. If that sourpuss doesn't want any of this anymore, I'm not going to lock it away in a no-sex-allowed vault!'" See? When you say it that way, I can have my way and you can all not feel angry! We're all much happier now!

Back at the Cookie Thieves' hideout, they shove the cookie inside Clayface and they and all their friends chant the magic Rune Chant.

Ta-da!

Batwoman #37 Rating: +1 Ranking. Is this comic book going to have enough time to get all of these characters back into space before the final issue?! I hope so! Unless the time it takes to tell that story doesn't allow for more pages of Kate and Natalia fucking because then I have to hope for the pages and pages of fucking.

World's End #11

Sonnet #WE11: "Father's Day"

Visage of stone which taught me how to act,
Ignoring all that I desired to be.
Imagination rectified to fact.
A miracle turned into pure fury.

A dream of God, a father far away,
Reminded me that I was not of stone
Nor flesh nor blood but love and spirit made,
Which merely left me feeling more alone.

Each voice commanded me to be like him.
And though a moth attracted to each flame,
I could not bow to each and every whim,
So chose escape and neither of their game.

And so a voice I'd known yet hardly heard
Whispered, "God and Father are both absurd."

World's End #11 Rating: +1 Ranking. It gets that ranking mostly because it was one full story instead of thirty different plot threads! And I apologize, after the fact, on some of my line stresses. But fuck it! It's 400 years after Shakespeare and even he didn't pay perfect fealty to the iambic pentameter over the message or the words he wanted to use. Besides, I only spent about forty minutes on this (including the reading and coming up with a theme and sorting the thoughts of each stanza and, well, you know...the words and syllables are the easy part!).

Batman Eternal #37

I want lots of awesome stuff. My New Years Resolution is to become Catwoman.

I probably check Facebook on a daily basis but I don't really use it for any reason. I don't wish people Happy Birthday even when Facebook reminds me that it's somebody's birthday. I don't post status updates. I don't play Facebook games. And I certainly don't do the "Year in Review" thing since, well, what will there be to review? I used to link my Tumblr to my Facebook but I figure the only thing that accomplished was getting a bunch of friends and relatives to block me from their news feed. Anyway, today I logged on and Facebook decided to show me what my Year was like with a preview of a Year in Review thing.

My year was adorable.

At the end of last issue, we found out that either The Riddler was behind Gotham City falling apart or he knew who was and figured it was time to help Batman figure it out as well. Mostly he just wants to make up more riddles because he's got a bit of an obsessive personality.

I bet I know who's behind it all! Catwoman! It's all a big trick to get Batman to admit that he loves her! I don't know how it's meant to accomplish that because it's so convoluted. But sometimes that's what it takes to reach a humorless man that has never been in a real relationship with anybody his entire life. He pays the man that's closest to being a family member and expects him to clean his house and wait on him. All of his wards were trained to fight at his side instead of being kept safe and spoiled and pampered and educated. Most of the women he dates he either never sees again, or they die, or they're super villains. He keeps the only thing on Earth that can kill his best friend on a ring in his Batcave. You know, just in case. You need a big plan to ensnare a guy with those kinds of trust issues.

Catwoman nearly gets assassinated by some guy in a Japanese mask with a flaming sword. Right in her own Egyptian Club Casino, Bar and Grill. I guess she really has hit the big time.

While I'm on the subject of Catwoman, will somebody put together a history of New 52 Selina Kyle for me? Please! Last thing I knew about her past is that she was a street orphan and I think she ran around with another kid that might have been her brother? But then later as an adult, just before she became Catwoman, she discovered something about her family and her name and the Russians or something? And now she seems to accept that she's the daughter of Rex Calabrese? Did I miss something somewhere or is everybody else just as confused as I am? Has DC just decided to dump Selina's past as written by Ann Nocenti and chosen to just graft on some Preboot Selina history? But even that's wrong, right?! Wasn't she Falcone's daughter? Does any of it make sense? Maybe I should just move on to the next scene which should make more sense.

Hmm. Okay. Next scene then?

Batman is currently out looking for Arkham inmates who escaped during the building's collapse. Killer Croc isn't one of them. I guess eating people he finds in the sewers isn't against the law. So Batman runs off to find a villain that should be locked up while Catwoman decides to offer Killer Croc a job.

The ex-Arkham inmates have decided to form a little gang to try to take over Gotham (again) while chaos reigns (also again).

But why would Ivy want to follow you after what you did to her at the end of Detective Comics #15? I don't know what it was because it ended with a "Fin?" before it could happen, but I'm fairly certain it was rape-esque.

Spying on the Villains Anonymous meeting is a black cat with a kitty spycam around its neck. The make and quality look to be Alice Tesla's work. And I'm really trying not to hate Alice Tesla simply because Ann Nocenti created her. If she appears in this book, she'll have real, honest-to-goodness writers penning her dialogue, so she shouldn't annoy me too much.

Another strange meeting is taking place in a shitty diner. This one stars Harvey Bullock and Maggie Sawyer. Bullock might seem a lot rough around the edges, but I bet Maggie knows he's a decent enough guy when you get right down to it because he has cats. And nobody that has and loves cats can be a bad person. They might not be polite people. And they might tell you to your face that they hate your stupid guts. But that doesn't mean they're not good people. Cats are good judges of character. Dogs, on the other hand, love anybody, no matter how despicable.

Jason Bard tries to ask Bullock and Sawyer for help because he's suddenly looking for the honest cops to help turn around this shit he helped start. But they don't want anything to do with him because he's a huge dickhole.

And then Catwoman sets up a Batsignal to reel in her prey. I mean, so she can show Batman some footage from her Kitty Cam. Did that sound dirty? I think that sounded dirty.

Oh yeah. It was definitely dirty.

Finally, Batwing calls up Penny-Two for information about g-g-g-g-ghosts!

Batman Eternal #37 Rating: No change. I'm trying to do three commentaries per day so I can finally catch back up to the current week's comics by January 7th. But holy shit am I burning out quick! That's my excuse for the horrible quality of the next thirty commentaries! I'm rushing, I'm burned out, and I need some other kind of stimulation in my life! Not that kind of stimulation! Okay, maybe that kind of stimulation. But with cookies.

Futures End #33

Baby Deathstroke! She can make dreams come true! Baby Deathstroke! She'll wind up murdering you!

All Fifty Sue ever wanted was a family. It's so sweet it should be packaged and distributed from an unregulated company (named Convict Confections and operating out of Tijuana) for use in sodas with names like Perpsi and Corke. Obviously the company is a subsidiary of God's Love Products which is a subsidiary of Nothing Odd Going On Here, Inc. which is a subsidiary of New Folder which is a subsidiary of Recycle Bin Brands which is a subsidiary of Time Warner.

Last issue ended with Ray Palmer's Stormwatch being threatened by SHADE within orbit of Earth.

Hmm. That's the strangest Earth I've ever seen.

Instead of working together the way Ray Palmer and Father Time used to work together, they decide to battle each other to see who gets to shout orders when they turn their attentions to battling Brainiac. If you're Father Time, why bother approaching Stormwatch with a detailed plan explaining why he needs The Engineer's help. And when he fails to show that kind of forethought at Angie's arrival, why can't Stormwatch decide to act like adults and say, "Okay, what's your plan? What can Angie do to help?" Am I asking too much out of adults? Maybe most of these assholes need an uncle to tell them about their great power and what comes with it.

Angie might have the best ass in The New 52. But that's not really fair to compare it with all of the others since her ass is full of nanobots keeping it perfect. Plus, she came from a universe that allowed her to have nipples, so of course she's going to have a better formed ass.

Black Adam murders Father Time's monsters because Black Adam is a super villain and he doesn't care how sentient the creatures might have been. Hawkman watches the gorefest and little hearts appear in his eyes.

Ray Palmer decides to take control of SHADE by shrinking down to atomic level (because that's all he can do!). There's a little more to it than just the shrinking. He also hops in Father Time's mouth and swims up to his brain somehow. I don't know inside biology as well as I know outside biology (I can point out hands and feet and nipples and stuff! With no prompting!), so I can't describe the path he took to get from tongue to brain. Or how he breathes while inside a bloodstream. Maybe he just siphons off oxygen from blood cells? Anyway, he winds up in Father Time's brain where he finally comes face to face with Father Time!

Gross! Father Time is a parasite that looks like the Sandman's mask! He also looks like some kind of octopus. He also looks like a penis. Right? That's what they all look like?

Later, Frank Rock and King Faraday remind everybody that some guy named Ethan Boyer had an important thread of story happening months ago. Sequel (which is Fifty Sue's new name) has been tasked with bringing Ethan Boyer back into the Cadmus family. While on her mission, she runs into Grifter's Dungeon Master friend talking on the phone to Grifter. So she punches the guy in the stomach, takes his phone, and completely ruins Grifter's life. I think the old team (minus Deathstroke) might be back together soon!

Lois Lane plugs in her phone or whatever and Brother Eye is set loose, once again, upon the world. He zips about until he finds a recognizable piece of electronics in the future body of Plastique being held in TerrifiTech. I guess Plastique doesn't have to die now since her cyborg body has always existed within a short loop of time! But where did it come from? How did it begin? Something can't have always existed and never existed at the same time or something? Oh wait! I know the answer to all of those questions! God.

This is the part where Terry McBatman and Plastique flirt.

Firestorm heads back to the lab to find some clues about the accident that might help Jason and Madison separate. On their way there, they fly directly over Tim Drake who says, "What? Who? How?! If only I were a journalist, maybe I could answer some of those questions. And a few more even!"

Before Firestorm can find any clues, Doctor Yamazake, now Doctor Polaris, throws some metal shit at her and pins her to the ground. That's when the issue ends because it's the only point of tension in any battle with Firestorm. Villain gets the jump on Firestorm, Firestorm goes, "Holy fuck what the fuck fuck?!", and then Firestorm changes the molecules of everything and the villain loses because his suit is suddenly made out of cookies and the air around him is now chlorine gas and the ground under him has turned to lava and the gum he was chewing has turned into cyanide.

Futures End #33 Rating: No change. Just more filler.