Batman Eternal #38

Batman Eternal has now run more issues than any other comic book in The New 52.

Friends Update!

With Jason Bard having lost the respect of all of the honest cops in Gotham and possibly some of the corrupt ones as well, Batman feels he's able to turn his attention to the daily chaos of Gotham City for a bit. Right now, that involves yet another mass escape from Arkham Asylum. This time it was because The Spectre dropped a Vengeance Bomb all over Arkham Grounds and sank the fucking hospital. The inmates who weren't found bleeding out or pinned under debris made a break for it and now they've started a new gang. Those inmates are Bane, The Scarecrow, Clayface, Poison Ivy, The Joker's Daughter, and Mr. Freeze.

Catwoman has been helping Batman to uncover their location because Catwoman really wants Batman to get off her back and stop lecturing her simply because she's trying to save the city in a different way than he is.

Is anybody ever going to talk about what Clayface did to Poison Ivy back in Detective Comics #15?

And after I don't know how many issues, the story once again turns to Jim Gordon in Blackgate Penitentiary. He was so close to getting free after his daughter, Batwoman, and Red Hood found evidence that would have exonerated him but they handed it over to Jason Bard without ever making a copy of it. That doesn't seem likely, does it? You know what else doesn't seem likely? That Batgirl would have just shrugged her shoulders and gone on with her life after they failed to free her father. Especially after she went so far off the rails that Batman sent Jason Todd to look after her. She must be working on another plan that the reader just hasn't been privy to up until now. Maybe Jim let everybody know that he's fine in Blackgate for now. Maybe he knows he can help with this entire mess better from behind bars. Especially since his bunkmate is Rex Calabrese.

I first heard the Urban Legend of the Ether Bunny from my friend Bob when he got back from the first war in Iraq. It seems The Ether Bunny Urban Legend was mentioned way back in Richard F. Burton's The Book of The Thousand Nights and a Night! See the link to my Richard F. Burton page for more fun notes by good old Dick! Maybe that should be my New Year's Resolution! To finally finish reading Richard F. Burton's translation of the 1001 Arabian Nights!

Batman takes out The Joker's Daughter and Mister Freeze quite easily. Bane and Ivy plan on ambushing Batman though. Although Catwoman and Killer Croc set up an ambush of their own to spring on Bane. And it looks like Ivy was in on it as well.

Killer Croc takes down Bane by cutting off his supply of Venom and then lacerating him in dozens of places so that Bane begins to bleed out, drugs and all. He wants to make an example of Bane somehow but I don't think the somehow will be revealed this week. But it was this revenge against Bane for throwing Croc out of Wayne Tower which allowed Catwoman to manipulate Croc to help Batman.

Oh. I guess that's the example. Humiliate Bane and prove to everybody that Croc ain't no dummy. He even knows a little French!

So Batman packs up a bunch of villains having only lost Poison Ivy who knew to get out while the getting out was particularly decent. Scarecrow, before falling, tries to convince Batman that The Riddler knows more than he's been riddling about the chaos in Gotham. But my money is still on Catwoman being behind it all! That Batman needs to be taught a fucking lesson, the arrogant prat!

Finally, Jason Bard goes to see Jim Gordon in prison and confesses everything to him. Bard explains that he can make it all right but he needs allies and he needs help. Gordon's advice is to do everything legally and by the book from here on out or none of it will count for anything. Also, Jim would very much like to be let out of Blackgate, please.

Batman Eternal #38 Rating: No change. This was a good chapter for the current Catwoman title. It helps to explain how she built up her reputation so fast amongst the Gotham Underworld by removing the crazy, super villain element from the playing board. So Selina really is playing all sides to set herself up as the savior of Gotham. Batman might frown on her method of restoring order to the city but is it really any more illegal than the things Batman does to maintain order? Hell, it's a lot less violent!

FRIENDS UPDATE!
In the second episode of the season, you can already see how the Pilot was tweaked to make the show more successful while maintaining its artistic edge. Joey's hair wasn't quite as moppy, and now he seems to be as into food as he is into women. It's played as jokey here but foreshadows the dark, gluttonous life ahead of him as he continues his lonely pursuit of fame. Monica is a clean freak with parental issues, indicating a personality that is going to eventually spiral into loneliness and, quite possibly, madness. Phoebe is still spacey but they decided to give her a more grown-up look. But it's still her childlike naivete that allows the viewer to accept the chilling and macabre experiences from her past. Chandler didn't tell one dream but he loves to tell jokes every chance he gets, if the definition of a joke is mentioning other television shows or old folk songs without much context. At one point Rachel says, "I was in the kitchen," and Chandler finishes, "With Dinah?" The audience goes wild for this joke! Later, while watching Potato's Sonogram, he says, "Star Trek!" or something, and everybody goes crazy. Chandler's obviously the character trying hardest to keep from getting too close to the others. What dark secret lies in his past that has taught him a harsh lesson that every relationship ends in inevitable loss and pain? The producers seem to have decided that the laugh track worked best when calibrated to The Big Bang theory range where the audience titters at nearly everything and guffaws whenever anything is said that probably deserves more than a titter. Ross seems to have been cast perfectly as a literal sack of potatoes because he's still a literal sack of potatoes. But now he's having a baby sack of potatoes with his wife and her lesbian partner. He reacts even more like a sack with even more potatoes in it. Rachel continues to be The Newborn Babe, having gone from spoiled rich brat to a completely blank slate now lost in a new reality where people get jobs and aren't completely shallow. Or, at least, shallow in a totally different way than rich people are shallow. She is the cypher brought in amongst the already close set of friends which will allow all of the others to see themselves through her newborn eyes where they'll learn something about themselves and, just possibly, be saved. Still no sign of the monkey or Gunther.

I forgot to mention my favorite joke of the Pilot Episode! It's when Phoebe said her mother committed suicide. Ha ha! Oh, hilarious. The only time I laughed during this episode was when Ross's ex-wife suggested they name the baby "Helen" if it's a girl and Ross said, "Seriously? Helen Geller?" Ha ha! Maybe you had to hear the way he delivered the line. Kind of like a chicken stuffed in a sack of potatoes, choking on a worm. Anyway, you can't go wrong with a good Helen Keller joke! Although this is probably the best Helen Keller joke: Why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's a woman. Ha ha! Get it? Women can't operate machines as well as men can! You expect the punchline to be ableist but then it goes all M. Night Shyamalan on you and winds up being sexist!

Batman Eternal #37

I want lots of awesome stuff. My New Years Resolution is to become Catwoman.

I probably check Facebook on a daily basis but I don't really use it for any reason. I don't wish people Happy Birthday even when Facebook reminds me that it's somebody's birthday. I don't post status updates. I don't play Facebook games. And I certainly don't do the "Year in Review" thing since, well, what will there be to review? I used to link my Tumblr to my Facebook but I figure the only thing that accomplished was getting a bunch of friends and relatives to block me from their news feed. Anyway, today I logged on and Facebook decided to show me what my Year was like with a preview of a Year in Review thing.

My year was adorable.

At the end of last issue, we found out that either The Riddler was behind Gotham City falling apart or he knew who was and figured it was time to help Batman figure it out as well. Mostly he just wants to make up more riddles because he's got a bit of an obsessive personality.

I bet I know who's behind it all! Catwoman! It's all a big trick to get Batman to admit that he loves her! I don't know how it's meant to accomplish that because it's so convoluted. But sometimes that's what it takes to reach a humorless man that has never been in a real relationship with anybody his entire life. He pays the man that's closest to being a family member and expects him to clean his house and wait on him. All of his wards were trained to fight at his side instead of being kept safe and spoiled and pampered and educated. Most of the women he dates he either never sees again, or they die, or they're super villains. He keeps the only thing on Earth that can kill his best friend on a ring in his Batcave. You know, just in case. You need a big plan to ensnare a guy with those kinds of trust issues.

Catwoman nearly gets assassinated by some guy in a Japanese mask with a flaming sword. Right in her own Egyptian Club Casino, Bar and Grill. I guess she really has hit the big time.

While I'm on the subject of Catwoman, will somebody put together a history of New 52 Selina Kyle for me? Please! Last thing I knew about her past is that she was a street orphan and I think she ran around with another kid that might have been her brother? But then later as an adult, just before she became Catwoman, she discovered something about her family and her name and the Russians or something? And now she seems to accept that she's the daughter of Rex Calabrese? Did I miss something somewhere or is everybody else just as confused as I am? Has DC just decided to dump Selina's past as written by Ann Nocenti and chosen to just graft on some Preboot Selina history? But even that's wrong, right?! Wasn't she Falcone's daughter? Does any of it make sense? Maybe I should just move on to the next scene which should make more sense.

Hmm. Okay. Next scene then?

Batman is currently out looking for Arkham inmates who escaped during the building's collapse. Killer Croc isn't one of them. I guess eating people he finds in the sewers isn't against the law. So Batman runs off to find a villain that should be locked up while Catwoman decides to offer Killer Croc a job.

The ex-Arkham inmates have decided to form a little gang to try to take over Gotham (again) while chaos reigns (also again).

But why would Ivy want to follow you after what you did to her at the end of Detective Comics #15? I don't know what it was because it ended with a "Fin?" before it could happen, but I'm fairly certain it was rape-esque.

Spying on the Villains Anonymous meeting is a black cat with a kitty spycam around its neck. The make and quality look to be Alice Tesla's work. And I'm really trying not to hate Alice Tesla simply because Ann Nocenti created her. If she appears in this book, she'll have real, honest-to-goodness writers penning her dialogue, so she shouldn't annoy me too much.

Another strange meeting is taking place in a shitty diner. This one stars Harvey Bullock and Maggie Sawyer. Bullock might seem a lot rough around the edges, but I bet Maggie knows he's a decent enough guy when you get right down to it because he has cats. And nobody that has and loves cats can be a bad person. They might not be polite people. And they might tell you to your face that they hate your stupid guts. But that doesn't mean they're not good people. Cats are good judges of character. Dogs, on the other hand, love anybody, no matter how despicable.

Jason Bard tries to ask Bullock and Sawyer for help because he's suddenly looking for the honest cops to help turn around this shit he helped start. But they don't want anything to do with him because he's a huge dickhole.

And then Catwoman sets up a Batsignal to reel in her prey. I mean, so she can show Batman some footage from her Kitty Cam. Did that sound dirty? I think that sounded dirty.

Oh yeah. It was definitely dirty.

Finally, Batwing calls up Penny-Two for information about g-g-g-g-ghosts!

Batman Eternal #37 Rating: No change. I'm trying to do three commentaries per day so I can finally catch back up to the current week's comics by January 7th. But holy shit am I burning out quick! That's my excuse for the horrible quality of the next thirty commentaries! I'm rushing, I'm burned out, and I need some other kind of stimulation in my life! Not that kind of stimulation! Okay, maybe that kind of stimulation. But with cookies.

Batwoman #25

Dammit. I just realized I'm not going to get the end of the Batman/Batwoman battle. Stupid Zero Year.

When I was a young, lovesick pup, I would walk to Junior High with this refrain stuck in my head:

"Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I'm only falling apart.
Nothing I can do. Total eclipse of the heart.
Once upon a time there was light in my life, now there's only love in the dark.
Nothing I can say. Total eclipse of the heart."

It has nothing to do with love now, just life, but I feel this way again. I know, deep down, that I just don't care enough about my business to keep it from eventually falling apart. I'm not a business person. But I somehow have to find it within myself to make it work so that I can keep enjoying the amount of free time I currently have. I just don't know how I'm going to do that without any passion for business. It's all bullshit to me. Hell, I can barely even talk to people on the phone without feeling sick. Dealing with the world, interacting with people ... it's just way too fucking difficult. Society doesn't work for people who can barely come out of their head. If only I could do all of my interacting from behind this computer screen, I'd be fine. I could work with that. But dealing in reality? Fuck me, it's exhausting. It's draining. Eventually I'm going to lose everything. I hope my sanity goes first.

The worst part is people who can do it, people who enjoy socializing and meeting people and making small talk and interacting, they just don't understand how difficult it is for the rest of us. They don't understand how miraculous a thing like the internet and email and MUSHes have been to our kind. They encourage us to "get out there and live life!" They think we're wasting away in a dark room, hiding from the world. Well, sure, yes. We are hiding from the world because the world is an uncomfortable place where everybody demands you make eye contact and chitchat happily or else they get their fucking feelings hurt. They don't realize how hard it is. Because they want to get out amongst people and they feed off social interactions, they cannot comprehend how much effort it takes for us to just step outside the door. My work week is three days. Some weeks, work is the only time I even leave the house. Four days where I step outside simply to check the mail. Fuck you, world. Stop expecting things from me.

I only added the previous statement because I once promised that y'all would get to see me fall apart in middle age on this blog. So Happy Trainwrecking! It's beginning to look a lot like Crapmas!

Maybe a few dick jokes will cheer me up. Although I'm not sure how many opportunities I'll get for dick jokes in a Batwoman comic book.

Oh! But here's a chance for a poop joke!

At Jeffcon Four, the theme of the costume party was your favorite role-playing character. While it wasn't exactly my favorite and, I believe, may have only lasted for one night of gaming, I decided to dress up as my Cyberpunk character that was in a band. I didn't even remember the name of the character but I figured it would be fun. The single night that I remember playing that campaign was mostly spent sitting around the table writing songs for the band. My character was lead singer of a band called The Misogynists. Their first album was entitled "Duty. Honor. Count..." where the ellipsis were (was?) replaced by a hand in the middle of writing out the phrase "Duty. Honor. Country." on the cover of the album. At the party, I sang their hit song, "Five Fingered Angel." The only other song I remember the band writing that night was "Bitch Bitch Bitch." Here's a bit of Five Fingered Angel:

"Late at night when I'm laying in bed,
I've seen all the shows and my books are all read,
I sit back and think of...my one true love.

She's the only one that can comfort me.
Her gentle massage always sets me free.
She's a part of me...my one true love.

She's my five fingered angel!
She's the only one I trust.
She's my five fingered angel.
And I use her when I must.
She's a five fingered angel and she's mine."

You probably don't want to hear the lyrics to "Bitch Bitch Bitch."

What was I writing about? Oh! Batwoman! Her Uncle Dick has been killed by The Red Hood over in one of them Batmen comic books and now she's come back from West Point for the funeral. Bruce Wayne couldn't make it because he's rich enough to have a butler to send out into the world to do things for him while he luxuriates in his dark, humid batcave. Lucky bastard.

Kate Kane teaches her father the meaning of the term "pathetic fallacy" which has nothing to do with impotence like I thought. Although that might be a good title for the first album of my new band, The Misandrists: "Pathetic Fallac..." with the hand caught writing mid-phrase again! I think they could do a cover of "Bitch Bitch Bitch" but change it to "Prick Prick Prick." The other lyrics wouldn't have to be changed at all! Which I think makes some kind of statement or another about either sexism or The Misogynists not being very good at misogyny.

Meanwhile, Metropolis is shipping off some of their police officers to help out in Gotham during the blackout and super storm. One of those officers is Maggie Sawyer. Hmm. Six years ago? She might be pregnant right now!

At the wake (is that what you call the thing you go to after the viewing and the graveside thingy-thing?) in Wayne Manor, Kate Kane winds up out back in the family graveyard. She runs into Bruce there because where else would he be? In a hole in the ground in his yard? Ha ha! Preposterous! While speaking with Bruce, Kate goes from hauntingly beautiful to scruffily adorable in the space of one page!

I guess we're playing Tag-Team with the artists this issue.

Cousin Bette is also at the wake! As well as Alfred's Awesome German Chocolate Cake™.

Eventually something serious is going to happen. Not that Uncle Phil's death isn't serious! But that took place over in Batman's comic book, so it doesn't count here. I hope the plot revolves around somebody eating all of the cake! That's a Bat-mystery if ever I ever heard of one! For a second, I was going to blame Guy Gardner on stealing the cake that has yet to be stolen and then I realized that the guy I thought was Guy was actually Jacob!

After Bruce kicks everybody out of his house because he's got important Bat-things to do, Kate Kane dresses up in black clothing, covers her face in white and gray paint, and hits the streets to battle the hurricane. Or to teach looters an important lesson about not having the proper supplies at hand before a hurricane hits. Although I think a Plasma TV and a twelve back of Budweiser probably aren't essentials. Which means she'll have to be judge and jury when she picks the people she wants to beat up in the name of justice! Not real justice but her version of justice.

Oh! She should go after these guys because they've already worked it out in their own conversation that they're crossing a line!

One of these men works for a guy that's currently out of town. He's decided to rob his boss but he doesn't realize the guy's kid is at home! And the kid has some masking tape and he knows how to use it! To, you know, spell help on the window so that Kate Kane can see it and come to his rescue. Which she does! But then the burglars find her and the boy trying to leave! But they don't just let them leave for some reason! Instead, the burglar decides to stab Kate with his gun.

I guess he doesn't know that guns are projectile weapons and you're not supposed to get within disarming distance of your victim while holding one. Come to think of it, I don't think any comic book criminals know that.

Kate disarms the first guy and takes his gun and the jewels but the other burglars show up. She dives out the window and into the apartment complex's swimming pool where she takes a bullet to her shoulder while underwater. If she were Batman, she'd probably stay under water for ten minutes until the burglars thought she was dead and then she'd do a back-flip out of the pool to break all of their legs and ribs and jaws. But she's not Batman, so she just plays dead while floating on the water until they pull her out of the pool. Then she defeats them just in time for Maggie Sawyer to show up and fall in love.

Actually, Maggie and Kate don't really notice each other until they're all back at the precinct. Her father picks her up and chastises her for what she did until she falls asleep. And then once she's asleep, he's able to tell her how proud he is of her. Fucking fathers.

Batwoman #25 Rating: No change. No change because Kate was supposed to be kicking Batman's ass this month instead of eating finger sandwiches in a graveyard talking about how murderers need a special brand of justice! Although she did steal one of Bruce's motorcycles. That was nice.