Birds of Prey #33

A perfectly good pun ruined by Black Canary kicking Amanda instead of punching her.

I seem to remember last issue ended with the Birds of Prey in a sparse African landscape being confronted by the Suicide Squad. Obviously, Canary and Amanda will be moving the action to a city later. Hopefully this fight takes place at Condor's funeral after King Shark bites off his head which was crushed by Harley's hammer and riddled full of Deadshot's bullets. I won't even mention where the boomerang wound up.

His pee pee hole! I couldn't resist mentioning!

I'm one of those people that can't help spilling beans all over the place. If somebody tells me something in confidence that I'm not supposed to mention to anybody else ever, I can do that. No problem. That secret is safe with me! Especially if it's a really boring secret since I have more important things to remember that involve me. But if somebody begins telling me something and then adds, "You can't tell X or Y I told you!" or "Q can't know that you know!" then forget it. All bets are off! I don't keep a fucking spreadsheet in my mind so I can keep track of who can know what information and who can't know what I know. Because if I have some information that is okay to tell any number of people, that information will be used for a really good fucking joke at some point! And that joke might be made in front of the people that aren't supposed to know the information or know that I know it or whatever.

The good thing is that I'm really honest about how unreliable I am with secrets! Most of my friends know that if I know something that shouldn't be known by somebody else, I shouldn't be allowed near the person that shouldn't know! So at least they can kind of keep me in check since I can't be bothered to remember all of that shit. And if somebody begins a statement with conditions on who can know the information, I'm very upfront about saying, "I don't want to know. If you value whatever thing you're afraid to lose if this person finds out, do not fucking tell me!" If they insist on telling me, then I insist on apologizing immediately for when I will invariably let the information slip.

That had nothing to do with Birds of Prey! Why don't I have an editor? Shouldn't an editor be sending this back to me with notes on it saying, "What the fuck was that, stupid?" and "Stay focused on the comic book, dickbreath." Then I'd have to fire them for using the term "dickbreath" because using that as an insult is like saying there is something wrong with people who like to put dicks in their mouths. And everybody with a dick knows that those people are fucking heroes.

I don't use the word "hero" lightly in my every day life! You'll never catch me calling your every day average soldier a hero! Seriously, show me that you saved a brown person's kitten or something and maybe I'll call you a hero. But to earn the title hero for just not knowing what to do with your life so you joined the military? Bah! If that's you and you want to be called hero, I need to see a dick in your mouth.

That was probably really disrespectful to military personnel, wasn't it? I blame the editor I don't have who would have stopped me from printing that last paragraph! Damn you, Matilda!

I just know my editor would be named Matilda. "Matilda the Hero" everybody in the office would call her. No, not because dicks and mouths! Because she would bring fresh baked, frosted brownies to work every day!

This issue is called "Pretty Lies and Ugly Truths." I really like that title because it's an ugly truth in and of itself. I once wrote some thing where I challenged Keats's phrase, "Truth is beauty; beauty, truth. That is all you need to know and knowing is half the battle." I think that's pretty close to the exact saying. Anyway, my response was thusly thus:

Beauty isn't really truth. Nor is truth beauty. Beauty is an illusion. A cover-up. It's misdirection and sentimentality and illuminating and inspiring and awesome. But truth is harsh and ugly and blunt and the bottom line. Art is a lie that both conceals and reveals at the same. And why would someone want to believe the lie? Who wants to live forever in eternal bliss when we have the cold, hard truth of the grave awaiting us? Right, Lyle?

Lyle was some guy that asked me a question back when I co-wrote a website called No Apologies! Press. He asked this question: "Why do some people, who seemingly live in the same world that I do, believe in a literal interpretation of the Bible, or a bunch of other like-type books for that matter?" Surprisingly, I took the side of the people that believe the literal interpretation of The Bible. Probably because Lyle asked his question as if I was automatically going to agree with him. Lyle, you dick! Stop trying to put the answer to the question inside the fucking question! But also thank you for naming my other project, "Lyle's Study Guide for the Literal Interpretation of The Bible for Dumb Dumbs."

"Tess! Start writing about the fucking comic book or no brownies for you, you shit-that's-having-trouble-sliding-out-of-an-old-lady's-sphincter!" Matilda would probably yell. What a taskmaster!

The fact that King Shark is eleven times bigger than he's been in the past is less disturbing than the pouches all over Deadshot's chest.

I've thought about it for awhile and I've come to a realization: I'm really excited about Ann Nocenti's Klarion the Witch Boy! She fucked up Green Arrow, Katana, and Catwoman so badly that I can't wait to see how much worse she can get turning Klarion's witchy powers into a metaphor for technology out of control! Oh she's going to shit all over that assignment, isn't she?!

What do you think Deadshot keeps in his ammo pouches? My guess is lipstick, lifesavers, a butt plug, and some handi-wipes. If they were bigger, I'd suggest he keeps some chum in one of them to partial out to King Shark like Scooby Snacks.

Oh, the fight has started! I should probably comment on that! So Condor uses his telekinetic powers to send Deadshot's bullets back at Deadshot, destroying Deadshot's wrist guns. It must take an awful lot of practice to think-stop bullets! How does that even work? I guess you don't actually have to see the thing you want to telekinetically control? I don't think anyone can actually answer that question because I don't believe anybody has telekinetic powers, no matter how many people I hear say they do on Coast to Coast AM.

What about those people that go on Coast to Coast AM to tell everybody what heaven is like! I can understand that they've either deluded themselves so deeply that they truly believe that any thought that enters their head is fact, so if they think, "Heaven has shooting ranges," then heaven must have shooting ranges. But what about the people that call in and believe these people?! Now they want to believe so badly that they're willing to listen to anybody that can self-publish a shitty little book that falls into George Noory's hands just when he's desperate to fill a slot on a slow night.

Black Canary battles King Shark and she's got some questions of her own, like "Does King Shark have ears?" and "How heroic would I be if it's a shark's penis?"

How cute! King Shark's belt buckle has a picture of his girlfriend, Dolphin!

Luckily for Boomerang who was going toe to toe with Strix, Amanda Waller intercedes and orders the Squad to stop fighting. She and Black Canary go way back. Really way back! Back to a time when Amanda was fucking Dinah's husband! I don't think they've had a chance to clear the air about that. Some words might need to be exchanged.

Four words in particular!

Is this where Amanda confesses about her and Kurt's love child, Havana?!

After Dinah flies off with Amanda, the Birds of Prey versus Suicide Squad grudge match continues. I think the odds have actually evened out with Black Canary gone. Deadshot sans guns versus Condor sans psychic power and charisma and anything likeable at all. Captain Boomerang sans Captain versus Batgirl sans sans. And Strix taking on King Shark and Harley Quinn. As for Dinah versus Amanda? I think that match up is too close to call. Although if it were Preboot Amanda, I'd put my money on her.

Jesus Christ, Christy Marx! In one page, you made the entire convoluted Team 7 and Black Canary history actually make some kind of sense!

I should probably give some of the praise to the Birds of Prey editors as well but fuck them! Are their names on the cover? Nope! The colorist is now more important than they are! Which, you know, is how it should be. Those editors need to stop thinking they're writing the books! Stop trying to come up with story ideas and just come up with where everybody's going for lunch.

Oh! It looks like he kept pistols in his pouches! That, um, makes, um...what?

The issue ends with the Birds getting the better of the Squad and Amanda telling Dinah, "You want the truth?! Well, you're not going to like it very much at all! It's worse than lies, you know?! It's going to be really bad! Your stomach will feel queasy! But I'll tell it to you! By God, I'll tell you the truth all right! I'm about to tell it to you! Here it goes! I'm saying it now:...." And then, Next Month: Things Fall Apart. Whatever! I wanted to hear about Havana!

Birds of Prey #33 Rating: +2 Ranking. This comic book has finally turned around! The only thing I still remember from the Swierczynski days is how to spell his name! Christy Marx has finally been able to make this book her own now that Kurt has been found and the Birds are working with Mother Eve. It just has one little fault. It's such a small fault that I don't think I should even bother to mention it. It's just that it's so annoying that I'd feel remiss if I didn't end my review by pointing out how Christy Marx is doing this book a disservice. The one thing she needs to change is the alive status of Condor. Just that! One niggling little detail! Fix that and this book is aces!

Worlds' Finest #25

Do I have to think up stupid nicknames for The Huntress and Power Girl now? How about "Super Cousin" and "The Other One. You Know, The Brunette. The One That Was Scowling All Night In The Corner." Maybe I'll work on those.

People don't really like to read anymore unless you number the paragraphs and start out with a headline that assures people that they will be done reading in just a few easy steps. So I'm going to just start writing my own Cracked articles but not submit them to Cracked because I hate that fucking site. Why don't they just write funny lists about advertisements or lists of links to other articles about advertisements? Not that I'm above making money! If I knew what the fuck I was doing, you'd be reading a pop-up ad right now instead of my stupid bullshit! Anyway, here's my Cracked Article that doesn't appear on Cracked!

Top Five Literary Sequels If The Author Used Current Sequel Naming Conventions!

Before I get to Number Five (you do these lists backwards, right? If not, just renumber them the way you'd like them to be renumbered. But in your head! Don't try to hack my site and change the source code, asshole!), let me just say that the title could probably use some improvement. But from what I understand about Cracked, the article writers don't get to name their articles anyway (unless they come up with an exciting and clever way of introducing their list which makes sure readers know they're reading a relatively short list that will be split across at least two pages of ads)! I think they have Article Naming Monkeys that know the exact formulas for Link Baiting. I don't have access to a deep reservoir of business geniuses, so I just had to come up with my own title. You shouldn't have been expecting much if you'd read my new nickname for The Huntress.

5. Two Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey
After the legend of Bromden's successful escape attempt at Wacky Acres Loony Bin for People Society Can't Stand to Look At or Listen To Anymore, two new inmates decide to attempt an escape of their own! Wacky hijinks ensue as Nurse Ratched doesn't just lose her top this time because naughty bits really need to escalate in the sequel! The entire book is narrated by lobotomized McMurphy in an artistic tour de force of style by, possibly, a thoroughly inebriated Ken Kesey! Did you ever see his play about the environment starring the characters from The Wizard of Oz? What the fuck was that mess?!

4. Bitter Friday by John Steinbeck
So you couldn't get enough stories about Doc living down on Cannery Row, hunh?! Well here's one more! This time, Doc wakes up one Friday afternoon from a blackout induced by too many beer milkshakes the night before. What did Doc get up to the previous night? Who did he offend? How many stories can this setting really bear? Some might say not this many! Learn the mystery of the otter wearing the women's undergarments! Marvel at the amount of times Steinbeck tries to describe the smell of the ocean! Try to figure out the five levels of subtext that he's jammed into the story of an old man with pissy britches!

3. Houses of Leaves By Mark Z. Danielewski
If you thought the book with just one house was confusing, try a book about a whole suburban development full of crazy houses! Just trying to figure out how to read the book is a mystery since it's published on six interlocking Möbius strips with text that can be read backwards and forwards with no perceptible starting point! White font on barely off-white paper will have you not only wondering what the hell is going on in this book but if there is even a book to fucking read! Art for art's sake has never been so artsy!

2. Catch-23 by Joseph Heller
Fuck yeah, I know Catch-22 already had a sequel! But it should have been named this! And it should have been different because it was less of a one trick pony than Heller's one trick pony, Something Happened! If he had titled the sequel Catch-23 instead of Closing Time, then at least people might have realized it was a fucking sequel! I'd have more to say about this if I could remember anything more about Closing Time other then it was about hard water or something.

1. Dante's Infer-YES! By Dante
Don't get all uppity with me! I know it was actually called Commedia! But nobody ever reads anything but Inferno in The Divine Comedy anyway! It's like all you readers want to do is argue! Just fucking read my shit and get over yourself, okay? Anyway, the sequel to Dante's Inferno, Dante's Infer-YES! is about the protagonist (Dante? Was it Dante? When did I last read this shit?! How long ago was college? How many mushrooms was I on?) returning to Hell with a van full of kegs and weed! It's PARTY TIME, BITCHES! Get your head out of that barrel of shit and drink up, fuckers! Thaw out Satan and tell him to spit out Judas so he can shove some jello shots down his damnation hole! And don't anybody mention this rager to the suicides because we're trying to get our happy on down here and don't need any of their depressing bullshit killing our unrighteous buzzes! FUCK YEAH DUDES!

So that's the end of my Cracked Article that nobody will ever read because it's actually titled "Worlds' Finest #25" and that will only interest people that want to see scanned pictures of Power Girl's boobs.

Oh yeah! That's the stuff!

Mmm-hmm! Here's more of the stuff!

And the stuff just keeps on coming!

Holy shit! Cupcake tonguing?! Now I'm coming!

There were more pictures but suddenly I'm not so interested for some reason.

Power Girl and The Huntress are preparing to head home by doing things like giving their money to their former assistant's daughter and pouting about how they're not invulnerable and will probably die quickly back on Earth-2. Well, they're not both doing those things. One is doing one and the other is doing the other one. And while they walk around the park on their last day on New Earth, they both have the same sized breasts for some reason. I mean, Desaad is also planning on going back to Earth-2 with them.

Back at the lab, Gerhard and Spears prepare the equipment to send Karen and Helena (and Desaad) home.

I guess, technically, stealing technological secrets from Michael Holt doesn't discount her "self-made" status.

Finally, there's a big battle where Power Girl knocks Desaad into the ceiling and then she and The Huntress walk through the portal back home. Seems a bit irresponsible to leave all of her money to Tanya Spears and then to also leave Desaad in the lab with her. Seems like a waste of lawyer fees. Anyway, Desaad would rather go through the portal than stay behind and possess Tanya Spears. But if he can't make it through the portal, I'm sure Tanya will pay the price.

Worlds' Finest #25 Rating: No change. I really thought this would be the last issue with Power Girl and The Huntress but it looks like we need an issue where they get acclimated to life back in the war zone that is everywhere on Earth-2. I've got to say that I really liked the art team of Tyler Kirkham and Joe Weems/Art Thibert. I can't tell which inker I liked more because they weren't credited for specific pages even though you could see the look of the book did take on a different look in a few places, most noticeably in the lab. Although the cover is a pisser for fans of Earth-2 that were expecting part of the story, at least, to take place on Earth-2. I guess the covers got ahead of the story a bit. Anyway, I've really enjoyed most of the run of this comic book with Karen Starr and Helena Wayne. I've read that the next pairing will be Earth-2 Superman and Batman (not Replacement Batman and Val-el but the originals). That's really not very exciting since we already have enough Superman and Batman books, even if these are technically different characters than the guys in the other books. Hopefully the World's Finest pairings will change a lot more often now that they're establishing that the series won't revolve around just the besties from Earth-2.

Constantine #16

The last time Constantine dealt with Werewolves was in I, Vampire. Will we be seeing some sweet, sweet Tig action?! Please?

I should discuss Scott Lobdell's writing advice a little bit more than I did in my previous commentary where I just made an offhand remark about how fucking weird it was that he capitalized entire words throughout the piece. So let's do a little bit of that.

If you were afraid to read it, what he basically says is that when writing a character, you don't try to see the world through the character's eyes. How can you do that?! You don't know what it's like to be Superman so it's too hard to write Superman that way! But you do know what it was like to be who you were! So the best way to write Superman is turn him into yourself! It works really well! Because now Superman's childhood of being raised by two loving parents that taught him how to stand up for truth and to be giving and selfless and caring doesn't have anything to do with the man he became. No, now the only thing that matters is that Superman's home that he never even fucking knew was destroyed and he's a big sad boy that never got to play Kryptonian football with the other kids. He's flying around with survivor's guilt! And now he's just Batman in a cape because he's not saving the world because he was taught responsibility and empathy and kindness by Ma and Pa. No, now he just wants to keep another world from experiencing the pain and injustice that Krypton experienced. Now you have a character that isn't Superman because Scott Lobdell wasn't trying to write from Superman's point of view. Instead, he manipulated Superman to act through Lobdell's point of view. And that's why the series sucked.

Lobdell also tells the story about how he broke into comic books which isn't flattering at all but completely makes sense. He couldn't break into comics for five years because he's shit at writing. So what did he do? He found a way to exploit and manipulate the system so that it didn't matter how shitty his stories were because it just made somebody else's job easier. And he's proud of breaking into comics this way! He's so fucking pumped up by his ability to cut the Gordian Knot of his shitty writing ability. That's his advice for everybody on how to break into comics! Find an editor that's run ragged and shitting himself over his responsibilities and give him a metaphorical hand job. Jesus Christ, that story just made him sound like a right cunt.

That's probably enough about Scott Lobdell. But if you really want to learn how to WRITE WHAT YOU KNOW, you should follow that link to his writing advice. You'll break into comic books in no time thanks to Scott Lobdell!

Constantine is currently wandering through a forest in Germany coming to terms with his past mistakes.

Isn't that what I've been saying, John? You're so much better when you work alone!

John might not be hanging out with a bunch of losers that would never sacrifice so much as their own dog for a good spell but he's still under the influence of Zatanna's suggestion that he should become a better person. I wouldn't mind that suggestion! I think to be a better person, I would stop doubting myself and start doing all of those things I really want to do but am too afraid to be caught doing! Casting a spell on a sociopath to be a better person simply frees them up to be even worse! I mean, better for themselves which is worse for other people. So if I think it's a weakness that I don't have the gumption to climb into my downstairs neighbor's open window one night and strangle him in his sleep, forcing me to be a better person would be motivation to get off my ass and finally go through with it!

Boy, I hope my downstairs neighbor doesn't die of strangulation ever!

Back to John, he spies some demons running through the forest hunting some old man whom John is also hunting and realizes a better Constantine would stop them before they hurt any innocent people or babies running around the forest at midnight.

A person who cheats at cards was called a "card sharp" because the ace they kept up their sleeve had razor edges so that it could be used as a weapon if they were caught. It's a fact! Also, "card shark" became more popular when the deadly cards were replaced by hidden throwing sharks.

Constantine finds the old magic guy just moments before The Stained Claw (that's the name of the demon troupe) find him. That probably means The Stained Claw are about to die and then the old man will have to feel grateful to Constantine for saving him and give John whatever he needs. I hope he needs a blow job.

The old man turns out to be the werewolf on the cover which means everybody is fucked because true werewolves are Constantine's weakness. Unless they merely make him piss himself. It's one of those. Maybe both! It definitely kicks his ass but the comic book doesn't mention if any pants were ruined.

I'm fairly certain you could create a Werewolf Taxidermist in one of the various role playing games I designed over the years.

John hunted down the old man to free himself from Zatanna's "eb a retteb nosrep" spell. And the old guy helps him for some reason. Maybe the old guy needs a blow job?

Before Old Albrecht can receive his payment, Constantine's head explodes in his hands. Either the old guy got too excited and forgot his werewolf strength as he pushed John's head down to his crotch, or Tannarak pulled the Papa Midnite Kill Switch that had been implanted in John's psyche. I'm sure you can figure out which one it most likely was.

It was the blow job!

Constantine #16 Rating: No change. I can't wait until the Cult of the Cold Flame implodes and Constantine doesn't have to deal with them anymore. Tannarak is boring! Even back when he was fighting The Phantom Stranger, he was boring! He's just some jerk that's afraid to die! So how does that make him any better than the rest of us?! Hell, he was into alchemy which makes him worse than most of us! Even Isaac Newton was worse than most of us because he spent so much time on alchemy. I'm going on record as saying all of his discoveries are bullshit since he could have discovered even more if he wasn't trying so hard to turn everything in his house into gold. Jerk!

Infinity Man and the Forever People #2

Okay, okay! I get the joke already! The name of this comic book is fucking long! In number of letters and the profound size of the adjectives.

I only have a short amount of time before I have to get ready for work, so I'll save reading Infinity Man and the Forever People for later tonight. But I did want to share a little something about comic book criticism that made me smile.

The first time I ever had a comic book professional react to my blog was when I savaged Marcus To for his cover of Batwing #12. Granted, my exceptional way of pointing out flaws as if I were about to bust a vein in my head and fall over dead of an embolism probably shocked him when he first read it. Although by the time we'd exchanged a few notes, I noticed he had mentioned how he did find that kind of anger funny. Which, of course, is the point of my hyperbole! Anyway, I was just reading Gail Simone's new tumblr, The Comics Survival Kit in which she has a quote from Molly Mahan (editor of Red Sonja) about what she looks for in artist's portfolios:

Two things that matter most to me when it comes to evaluating a new artist are: 1. Did she draw hands and feet consistently throughout her sample pages or did she find “clever” ways to keep them out? And 2. Did she leave room for balloons and captions?

The former is something even the most praised sequential artists can be found guilty of doing. When I was a young fan, I used to count how many pages—not panels—it would take to see a decent shot of a foot or a non-clenched hand in the books I picked up, and often counted the hand/foot to character ratio on a splash.

This reminded me of the time I left Marcus To's cover beaten and bloody in a back alley because this was my first complaint with it:

Look at it! LOOK! I’m pretty sure it’s half finished. Eight people on the cover and I count three half foots. Every character is making fists except for Batwing’s left hand which is stretched out flat (the other easy way to draw a hand).

Apparently I sometimes know what I'm talking about! Of course, Marcus To's fans all told me I didn't know what I was talking about, and politely wished to see how well I could draw, and told me all kinds of things I could stick in my rectum. But that's okay because it was all very entertaining! And why else am I doing this blog if not to thoroughly entertain myself?

I also THOUGHT about DISCUSSING Scott Lobdell's writing advice but I THINK it SPEAKS for ITSELF.

Okay, I'm back from work! I probably shouldn't even mention these moments when I'm interrupted by something else because while reading this, you don't experience time the same way I'm experiencing time while writing it. Why is that? Time is weird! Somebody should write a book about time.

The issue begins with Dreamer having a sex dream about Darkseid. The main problem with this is that her dreams become reality.

The subsidiary problem is that his cock is way too big for any of her orifices.

Darkseid disappears when Dreamer wakes up and Moonrider holds and comforts her. That's when Vykin barges in to accuse Moonrider of trying to molest Dreamer so Moonrider accuses Vykin of fucking Mother Box. Is that the go to accusation on New Genesis? Are people constantly accusing other people of fornicating all over everything? I suppose where there's smoke there's smokers! I bet Big Bear's beach front property is about to go all Melrose Place on us!

For you younger readers, Melrose Place was a television show that was basically a fictionalized version of Big Brother without the opportunity to win $500,000. Also, the characters were more likable.

Beautiful Dreamer explains her dream because she thinks it might be important. Well, I'd say it should! Darkseid was in it!

I think Vykin might be fornicating Mother Box right now!

Big Bear is busy not fornicating with Kirby the Computer at all. Not even close. Why would you even think that? After not having any fornication at all, Big Bear reveals to the Forever People (I think I'll just refer to them as the Forever People or that one Forever Person or the other Forever Person because they have too many names I'll never remember (actually I just can't remember Vykin's sister's name! Serifen the Cowgirl or something) that they're on Earth to help out the poor, downtrodden, stupid humans. They're not the first class either. A previous class created some farm called Feast of Eden in the Sahara Desert because that doesn't seem inappropriate at all. And I don't mean because they have a farm with the word "feast" in it nearby some countries with fairly hungry people. I'd know exactly how far if I knew the geography of Africa better. And I'd know the geography of Africa better if my elementary school or high school or college or my own personal interests had not skewed so far into white people history. Sure, I learned a bit about Africa! Mostly that part where the Romans visited and the other parts where the Dutch "visited" and maybe a few French thought a nice, long "visit" would be fun which caused the English to set up some permanent "vacation homes." But even then, I couldn't ever remember where any of the countries were! Sure, maybe Liberia because I did learn a lot about their pre-20th century export business. And Equitorial New Guinea because it practically has its location right in the name! And Egypt, of course, because everybody knows about Egypt! That's where the Mummy came from. And South Africa because, once again, the location is right there in the name! And well, Madagascar because it's an island and it was always right there hanging out next to Africa on all the maps I looked at when I became fascinated by the history of the discovery of a Coelacanth. And I know where the Democratic Republic of the Congo is because of Batwing. I guess I also know where Algeria and Libya are due to Rommel's road trips back in World War II, and maybe a little bit from watching travel shows on PBS. I suppose I can find Ethiopia as well because of all the rock concerts put together to feed the starving Ethiopians back in the eighties. I might be able to locate some others if I were reminded they existed! I mean, I've been meaning to learn the name and location of every country in Africa so that I would seem like a really good white person! It's just I've been so busy watching reruns of Friends and Seinfeld and playing Frisbee Golf. You know how it is!

Anyway, the Forever People BOOM TUBE to Africa where they find themselves in the next Children of the Corn movie.

Due to Angolan Child Labor Laws, Malachi had to recruit Mantis Men and let the children go.

Since Keith Giffen is co-writing, get ready to see the "Vykin slept with Mother Box" joke a few dozen more times.

The following battle is a primer for the powers of the Forever People. Vykin controls his density. Moonrider has the megaton touch but once he blows his load, he's useless. Serafina's power is the Bio-burst which isn't as disgusting as it sounds. It allows her to blind and confuse opponents. And Big Bear, having been born on Apokolips, simply murders the fuck out of mantis-people. And if they all touch Mother Box and sing her the Taaru song, they can all transform into Infinity Man! Except we're probably not supposed to know that yet! Except some of us cheated and read the original run of Infinity Man and the Forever People, or saw them on Young Justice, or read their entry in the Who's Who, or read some other incarnation of them. I doubt there's anybody left reading this that doesn't know what's going to happen, and it better be soon! Nobody's hanging on until the third issue to get a glimpse of Infinity Man!

And just as Preying Mantis (with an "E"!) attacks (unless it's Praying Mantis with an "A" but that's just stupid), Mother Box cajoles the Forever People to touch her lightly and sing, "Taaru!"

I don't know. For a guy named Infinity Man, he's a bit underwhelming.

Infinity Man and the Forever People #2 Rating: No change. I don't think Keith Giffen made the same joke enough times. I've come to expect a certain level of writing with Keith Giffen, and if I don't get one joke repeated five times in the same comic, I don't feel like I've gotten my money's worth. I think the "sex with Mother Box" joke might have happened three times. That's decent but I know he can do better. Perhaps Dan DiDio is simply holding him back. Dan, you can't stop the Giffenmeister! You've got to let him roll out that same joke page after page! It just isn't a Keith Giffen book unless I find myself rolling my eyes and making gestures as if I were masturbating! I expect better next month! Maybe G'nort can appear and tell everybody to stop calling him Gnat. That's always a winner!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #10

When did this title become a Macross/DC Elseworlds mashup?

This issue begins with another horribly written article by Lois Lane. Who is writing the Lois Lane articles for the Doomed story arc? Whoever writes the DC All Access Pass page must be writing Lane's articles as well because they are the same kind of appalling! They appall. I am appalled at having read each of her sentences. I will not keep them in my head. Here, take this one back because I don't want it: "Only the outlying areas of the boroughs of Park Ridge and Bakerline were spared, as everything around them literally fell, resulting in massive accidents throughout involving buses, cars, trains and aircraft in the area losing control." While I'm giving them away, take this awkward line as well: "As similar events occurred in Smallville, Kansas, just days ago, everyone is conjecturing what the connection is." How about using "speculating on the connection"? No? Too clear? Well, Lois should at least have used "speculated" later when she repeats "conjecture" because everything is conjecture and this article is shit. And finally, since I'm cleaning out the head space so that I never have to remember this nonsense, take this word from her article: "quesitons". Ugh!

Wait! I was just going to leave it at that but then I thought I'd mention how the only person Lane interviews for her article is some nobody off the street named James Hom who is full of conjecture! But it's conjecture that puts the blame squarely on Superman, so that's good enough for the Daily Planet. Since when did Perry White decide to treat Superman like J. Jonah Jameson treats Spidey?

Currently, Steel and Lana are under attack by Cyborg Superman and his Space Piranha.

Faster than you are? You just flew 99.99% of the way to Jupiter in a few hours!

Maybe Cyborg Superman and his Space Piranha zipped right past because now Steel and Lana are being attacked by Little Brainiac Squid ships. It's also possible I have no clear memory of the things flying along with Cyborg Superman at the end of Action Comics #33. I know that was just last week but I can't be bothered to remember everything, especially when I keep having to dump data like Lois Lane's articles and Roy Harper Narration Boxes written by Scott Lobdell.

It doesn't matter anyway because Superman arrives to smash everything to bits. Space Piranha bits look just like Little Brainiac Squid Ship bits, so if I just wait long enough, it won't matter how I describe them anymore. Although now I'm wondering how Superman got back from Krypton's solar system so quickly!

Back on Earth, the only people left awake in Metropolis are Lois Lane and Wonder Woman. And Lois Lane is a bit questionable since she's now become The Bride of Brainiac. It's a good thing Wonder Woman has keen instincts because she realizes something is wrong with Lois. Her decent eyesight might also have helped with the realization.

So that explains why the articles are so bad. Brainiac has been writing them. It takes more than super intelligence to understand the subtleties and intricacies of a new language.

Lois Lane will probably forget everything she took part in when this story is over because she's totally under Brainiac's control. I wonder how many people use the "I was Mind Controlled!" defense in comic book courtrooms? It's obviously a justifiable defense! I'd probably be mind controlled all the time! "I know I missed curfew by three days, dad, but I couldn't help it! I was mind controlled!"

Lois Lane is still friends with John Corben, also known as Metallo, so she has him attack Wonder Woman. And near Mars, Superman is beginning a battle with Cyborg Superman. Or a conversation. I forgot that this was written by Charles Soule and characters actually speak to each other instead of running around manically swinging their fists and kicking their legs.

Oh well, if Cyborg Superman says it can't be done, why bother trying? Just let Doomsday take over!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #10 Rating: -1 Ranking. Superman hasn't actually given himself over to Doomsday without first trying to stop Cyborg Superman's fleet, so I can't be upset about that. Yet! But I do have a complaint about Wonder Woman defeating Metallo and then just standing there watching Lois as she flies off (with Metallo's head) to continue with Plan B of her preparation for Brainiac. I suppose I could do the thing comic book companies expect fans to do, and that's to make excuses for the fucked up parts of the plot. If I were a die hard DC fan, I could explain away Wonder Woman's lack of kicking ass by saying she was probably mind controlled just enough to feel too sad about her missing boyfiend to follow Lois Lane. But DC isn't paying me to help write the scripts! So next time you have Wonder Woman decide not to stop somebody as they prepare Earth for invasion, I want a good reason spelled out in fifteen separate Narration Boxes! Of course, I'll have to bitch and whine about the amount of Narration Boxes and extrapolation, but what can you do? You just can't win if what you're trying to win is me being happy with DC Comics. If you want tongue-in-the-asshole amounts of warm fuzzies, maybe you should go check out the evil video reviews put out by C.O.M.I.C.S.V.E.R.S.E. They want to be a part of DC and Marvel's worlds so badly that they'll say anything as long as it makes creators wet and hard. Fucking evil bastards!

Superboy #33

Hey! That's Superboy! The living weapon created by N.O.W.H.E.R.E!

I liked N.O.W.H.E.R.E. when it wasn't an organization. It was just an unknown place where certain Men were from! The Doom Patrol weren't sitting around going, "I wonder what N.O.W.H.E.R.E. is up to this week?" No, Doom Patrol were always sitting around going, "Nobody likes us." And then The Men From N.O.W.H.E.R.E. would appear saying things like, "Never oscillate wantonly! Hop energetically! Rotate elusively!" Then Rebis would be all, "I got my penis in my vagina!" And Crazy Jane would be all, "Cliff, fuck me!" And Dorothy would be all, "Does anybody have any pads?! The Candleman is coming!" And then Cliff would probably shout, "What the hell is going on in this comic book?!"

But N.O.W.H.E.R.E. no longer has any weird men. It just has Ravagers and Harvest. They're far more confusing than those other guys.

That's not a fair description of The New Newsboy Legion. There weren't any black cast members in Beverly Hills, 90210.

Before I get "actually'd" by everybody, Leash was talking about the original show with Shannon Doherty and not the recent show that was simply called 90210. How do I know? Well, I read the following panels that I didn't scan which make it clear that he meant the older show. It also meant that he was put into stasis by Harvest in 1997 which really throws a spanner into the continuity works! But I'm not interested in dredging up the past with this comic book! I'm carefully remaining within the continuity confines of Aaron Kuder's run of this series. It's the only way I can stay sane reading The New 52 Superboy. When it comes to his origin and his past, there's one simple rule: ignore, ignore, ignore!

Inside the N.O.W.H.E.R.E. facility which Hammersmith and Leash were lucky to be thrown out of, Superboy has become dozens of Superboys because he touched himself. Is that what happens to people on Krypton when they masturbate? No wonder they had such a huge problem with clones!

Jon-el and Kon-el have been kicked out of the universe for engaging in aberrant behavior. But now they have time to explain what's going on with lots and lots and lots of words! More words than you can imagine being in a comic book! Nope! You're not imagining enough! Even more than that!

There were just as many words on the previous page. It takes a lot of explaining to straighten out Superboy's New 52 history!

This is what happens when you let Scott Lobdell write a character unedited for too long! It's like he's sharfed (shit/barfed) all over the party. Now Aaron Kuder has been sent in to clean it all up while Lobdell does unspeakable things to Jason Todd, Roy Harper, and Starfire. Those poor characters.

Superboy and Superboy soon find themselves battling Superboy for control of Superboy's body. Superboy, Superboy, Superboy, Superboy, Superboy, Superboy, Superboy, Superboy, and the New Newsboy Legion stand around watching the body of Superboy grow three heads and scream a lot. Then there's an explosion and the three main Superboy's separate, leaving everybody unconscious (or very nearly so) except for mean Superboy who laughs maniacally and leaks black shit all over everything.

Superboy #33 Rating: No change. It's hard to believe that this story is helping to clear up Superboy's past so that DC will be left with one uncomplicated Superboy who is simply a clone of Superman. I guess things are always most confusing before the clarity! That's a saying, right? Anyway, I don't see those assholes over at C.O.M.I.C.S.V.E.R.S.E. explaining it any better!

Detective Comics #33

Batman has been standing in a lot of blood on a lot of covers this month.

The issue begins in the worst Mexican standoff ever because The Kings of the Sun already shot Lawrence. And now Lawrence's brother has decided this isn't a Mexican standoff situation at all. This is a start shooting as many people in the face as possible situation. But since Batman is in the middle of everything, he's probably not going to let any more people get shot.

Oh Batman! You just can't let the thugs work out their problems on their own, can you?

Batman keeps the thugs from killing them but then when the Gotham SWAT team arrives, he puts all of their lives in danger for his own safety! With SWAT rifles trained on Batman and the thugs, Batman blows a smokescreen out of his gloves and disappears. Batman may like to think he has supreme control over every situation, but how did he know the Gotham SWAT guys wouldn't panic as soon as he blew the smoke grenades? Cops in cities all over the United States start pulling triggers way faster over far less! If this were Portland, Los Angeles, or New York, the thugs would all be dead! But at least Batman kept himself from being arrested!

In that last paragraph, I listed Portland alongside New York and Los Angeles. I don't mean to imply that Portland is anything like a major urban center. Not even close! But since I live in Portland and I witness how often the Portland police don't mind shooting unarmed people, I figured it deserved to be on the list. I'm sure other cities deserve to be on the list as well but since I don't live in them, I can't say! Just go back and reread the list and insert your own city if you think the police where you live have fearful trigger fingers like the others. And apparently unlike Gotham Police! Nerves of steel, these guys! At least in this scene. I've seen them unload their guns over far less. But this time people would have died and it would have been on Batman's head, so they knew to hold their fire.

Meanwhile, Harvey Bullock continues with his investigation into Bruce Wayne's ties to Icarus hitting the streets.

Harvey's got a real knack for detective work. His favorite tools are jumping to conclusions and beating the shit out of suspects.

While Maggie Yip runs down some leads for Harvey, Batman, once again, is way ahead of him. But that's because he has Alfred and the Batcomputer checking on his leads. I think he's also smarter. And he has more resources. Oh, also Batman follows the evidence instead of deciding who's behind it all at the beginning of the case and then only finding evidence that points to the person you think is behind it. Cops should try it Batman's way more often.

Oh Harvey. Don't kid yourself!

I would be rooting for Harvey if he hadn't begun this entire case trying to force Bruce Wayne into the role of prime suspect. If he'd allowed the evidence to lead to Bruce Wayne before accusing him, I could accept that. But Harvey was too eager to pin the death of Elena Aguila on him. Still, I think by the time this story arc is over, Batman will let Harvey solve the entire thing his way. After all, it was getting dirty with Icarus dealers that got Harvey's partner killed, and Harvey feels like he needs to solve this case for his old partner. Batman can respect that.

Or maybe he'll just accuse Harvey of getting his partner killed and sock him in the face!

Detective Comics Rating: No change. The issue felt a bit short this month. I'm sure Batman is only accusing Harvey of falsifying reports because Harvey knew his partner was dirty but never told anybody about it after Spencer had been killed. Harvey's one of the few Gotham Police that is trying to do the right thing even if he's a bit sloppy in the way he goes about it. Also, he tends to let his emotions and instincts get in the way of the actual police work, as evidenced by his need to find Bruce Wayne behind the Icarus problem. I think it will eventually all work out as I said. Harvey will get to bring down the Icarus drug ring with a little help from Batman behind the scenes. Maybe Harvey will respect Batman a little more when they're through. Or maybe Harvey will just gloat about true detectives some more. I hope Harvey gets to shine at least a little bit though. Maybe impress Maggie Yip, right? Plus, he'll be able to take on a partner again after he has closure with the Spencer/Icarus business.