Bizarro: Year None #1 (April 2026)

I just wouldn't have, you know, included Bizarro's thumb on his left hand in that grip.

Bizarro: Year None #1 (April 2026)
By Kevin Smith, Eric Carrasco, Nick Pitarra, Dave Sharpe, and Michael Garland
Variant Cover by Fernando Pasarin, Oclair Albert, and Arif Prianto
Edited by Jillian Grant and Paul Kaminski

Being slightly back into comic books for as long as Lobo is being put out monthly means that I have to enter comic book stores again and scan the shelves looking for my precious baby space boy bounty hunter book. That means I have to see other comic books that pique my interest which means I'm also currently buying Deathstork and Batwoman. This month, I noticed this book and thought, "Fuck yes! Bizarro am the worst! Me not buy this at all immediately!" Then the Andy, owner of Cosmic Monkey, walked over from about twenty feet away where he'd been organizing comics, punched me in the throat, and yelled, "Get out!"

"But Debbie at Excalibur doesn't seem to ever get DC Comics in her shop!" I screamed as he grabbed a handful of my hair and began dragging me toward the door.

"Do you mean she does get DC Comics, Mr. Stupid Fucking Bizarro Impression?!" he yelled as he stomped on my midsection and hurled me through the window and into the middle of Sandy Boulevard.

So, anyway, I sent the Non-Certified Spouse in to get my comics this month and warned her not to speak like Bizarro. That's why I have a variant cover issue that costs a full dollar more! Man, I really need to teach the Non-Certified Spouse about comic books!

One thing I learned only after purchasing this comic book: it was written by Kevin Smith. Man, I hope he doesn't make it canon that Bizarro pisses himself. Or does that mean Bizarro doesn't piss himself. Goddamn it, I'm already confused. Why do I read Bizarro comics?!

Is the use of the plural form of "heaven" here the Mandela Effect¹?!

Look, I don't know which fucking translation of The Bible everybody seems to be using but I've got my King James Bible right here and it says "heaven" and not "heavens". But looking it up online to check turns up Smith's version of the quote, like, practically everywhere. Even the Genesis 1:1 Wikipedia page uses "heavens" even when they have a screenshot of a 1620 King James Bible which says "heaven". Am I going fucking crazy?! Have we, as a society, just decided that God made multiple heavens and not just the one? Why not just start saying "earths" as well?!²

I don't know how "heaven" reads in Hebrew or Aramaic or Greek or any other language that came before the King James' English translation but then I've also been assured that I don't have to because the King James translation is just as divinely inspired as The Bible in its original form. And if this shit is divinely transpired³, y'all are going to have to remember it exactly and not fudge it in every miniscule way possible because you shouldn't fucking be correcting God, you bastards!

Fucking Kevin Smith. I'm already angry at him and he just wrote one fucking line!

And now I'm in a whole "heaven" vs "heavens" rabbit hole! I figured "heavens and earth" came from more modern translations like the New International Version of The Bible and such. And, well, yeah, it has heavens, along with all the other more simplistic modern translations written to make sure dopes who can't abide the language in the King James Version can still get their daily dose of brainwashing. But this Bible site I'm reading has the opening line from all the various translations and, Holy God⁵, there are so many! The majority of them have decided on "heavens" although a few have just opted for the even more simplistic "sky" and a few even just decided on "universe", presumably to quash any Rabbinicalesque Gentile debate over the meaning of "heaven" or "heavens" (or even "sky"!).

So, fine, I guess Kevin Smith and all the dopes everywhere are partially correct. But I'll still fight for "heaven" as God's choice. Unless I've been lied to by religion my entire life and the King James translation is just another work by man and not divinely inspired at all! But what are the odds of that? So low!

Anyway I don't know what's going on in that first page because I've lost sight in one eye and my head really hurts now and I can't stop vomiting. I think this is a depiction of that moment that God jerked off while Krona watched? Or maybe, being that the orgasm is green, this is Krona attempting the same thing but only managing to ejaculate an old copy of The Daily Planet? At least my interpretation is more exciting than Kevin Smith's decision to "begin at the beginning" by misquoting the beginning of The Bible. So creative! Not at cliché! Me love totally!

Since the actual story begins one year after God creating the "heavens" and the earth (unless it's one year after the green orgasm ending in media space debris), I don't know what the fuck is happening. I guess Bizarro World is just one year old is the point. It's weird that it would have been created by God though and not Dog. Or Satan. What's the opposite of God? A little girl?

The actual story begins with Jimmy Olsen buying doughnuts at a food cart with a terrible business model.

Even if I just want one doughnut, I'm buying two for $1 and throwing the extra one to the pigeons and rats and sewer dwellers.⁴

Some people (probably those who think The Bible begins with God making loads and loads of heavens) might argue with me about the food cart's sign. "It doesn't say 2 for $1! It says 2 for 1!" And if that's going to be their argument, good for them. Maybe a little pat on the head and an overly small sucker will chill them out since thinking doesn't seem to be working for them. What the fuck does "2 for 1" even mean in this context? Can I trade two doughnuts for one better, more sphincter-like doughnut?! I don't know!

Look! Now I'm arguing with imaginary strawmen⁶! Nobody would ever try to argue with me about that 2 for 1 sign! What a stupid idea! Who would even notice it when there's a guy rubbing his tongue all over the backside of a doughnut just beneath it!

While waiting for Jimmy Olsen to bring him his coffee (which is taking an inordinately long time because Jimmy seems to fetch coffee for everybody in Metropolis), Perry White explains the first page of this issue.

It has far less to do with masturbation than I expected. Especially with Kevin Smith writing this.⁷

So some guy named Professor Dalton invented a terrible duplication ray that barely worked. Except that it did work and much better than anybody could have believed. And also I guess, based on the first page Narration Boxes, Professor Dalton is God.

Oh, I was wrong. Perry White isn't waiting for Jimmy Olsen because he doesn't yet work for The Daily Planet. Superman's only been in town for a year and a half so we're close to the beginning of Supes' timeline. Clark, Lois, Cat, Ron, and Steve are all working at The Daily Planet though. And Bizarro World has been in existence for a year. And most of this first issue has been about Jimmy Olsen getting the job by capturing video of a gigantic Toy Man tin soldier attacking The Daily Planet with its bayonet, shoving it through the office window. Superman stopped it but couldn't clean up because Clark and Lois had to go honor the president at the stupid fucking White House Correspondents Dinner which Lois had better fucking shit and piss all over. Like Batman exploding a wall!

While Jimmy tries to convince Perry that the New York Times⁹ editorial section sounds like an old man yelling at kids for doing normal kid stuff, Professor Dalton sets up his duplication ray in Hob's Bay. He's still miffed that he once threw a copy of The Daily Planet inside and two copies of The Daily Planet didn't come out. So he sets up his Duplication Ray (which is actually a portal gun that makes a portal in which you throw something and, presumably, a bunch of elves on the other side duplicate it and throw the original and duplication back out), to see if The Daily Planet has finally been copied. When he does this, Bizarro comes out because Dalton's Duplication Ray is actually God and created an entire fucked-up world based on the Metropolis Newspaper and the word "heavens".

Speaking of the boring "heaven vs. heavens" debate I got inordinately angry about earlier, I just wandered off to shit all over the White House Correspondents Dinner¹⁰; and I fantasized a whole conversation¹¹ I would have with somebody accusing me of being ableist for holding the opinion that people who read the New International Version of The Bible are dolts. My defense amounted to this: Yes, I was rude in the way I phrased it. And, yes, it's perfectly fine for some dolt who reads the New International Version of The Bible to be offended by my comments. It would be perfectly valid for them to tell me to fuck off. But, also, that's not enough anymore? Because all that means is that they were insulted and they're angry at me for having insulted them and there's no real justice in that! So instead, they had to make my position seem bigoted and evil after which any venom they spewed at me was morally and ethically justified while I had no leg to stand on in my defense (which is, I reckon, an ableist statement in itself). I really think we've lost the value of a good "Fuck off, dickstain!" Now every person's anger needs to be righteous and holy!

Man. I really do like creating strawmen to fuck. I mean debate. Don't go away from this believing that I buy straw from the local farmer's market, rock t-shirts and short shorts from the local Goodwill, and make strawmen which I then bend over those haystacks in my backyard and have my way with them. That's fucking idiotic and, I believe, libelous.

Bizarro kidnaps Perry White (and Jimmy Olsen who happens to be in the same elevator as Perry) and flies him back through the portal (destroying the Duplicator Ray as he goes). Perry and Jimmy wind up on Bizarro World hanging out with Bizarro who doesn't have a backwards "S" on his chest for some reason. Although he does have bad teeth. I can't tell if he's hideous because Nick Pitarra draws like Chris Burnham meaning all of his characters look like they've had lifelong weekly subdermal yogurt injections. Meaning they all look kind of hideous.

See? He looks as if Frank Quitely shoved his hand up Chris Burnham's ass and puppeted him while he drew Bizarro.

This Bizarro is a twelfth-level intellect (is that as much as Brainiac?) named, oh, something dumb. Like that guy who wears the bowler cap and fucks with Superman (in an '80s fucks with way and not in a modern young person fucks with way). He created Bizarro World and all the people in it as an homage to the world he read in The Daily Planet. He only talks like Bizarro once when Perry White says something about things being backwards but he quickly regains control of himself. Other things in Bizarro Metropolis aren't quite right. "Whole Donuts" is called "Donut Holes". Bibbo is a baby and runs the Deuce of Spades. Jimmy Olsen gets the job as editor of The Bizarro Daily Planet while Perry White has to run errands. Aside from a bunch of weirdness and maybe a couple of small hints that Bizarro might be an asshole, everything seems sort of chill. But Kevin Smith makes sure to end the issue by declaring that Bizarro is a jerk¹².

The Ranking!
I don't know if Bizarro is a jerk or a God or what but I know he's not Bizarro. Give me regular Bizarro! The confusing one and not the pompous one! I think Kevin Smith was worried that he wouldn't be able to write regular Bizarro because Smith can't help being loquacious. Why would he want to write somebody who shouts things like "Me am impotent with shrunken flaccid pussy!"? Oh wait. That's exactly something Kevin Smith would love to write. But I think he loves to write long-winded, multisyllabic worded diatribes more than short confusing backwards statements. I'm sure it will all work out eventually! Or won't. Whichever one of those is the way Bizarro would say it.


__________________________________________________________________________________
¹ I don't mind believing in The Mandela Effect as long as you realize I'm using it in the way it should be used: an incorrect belief of the way something from the past was due to memory being what it is but seen through the eyes of narcissists who would rather believe the universe has changed than admit they misremembered something.
² Although, I mean, the DC Universe probably should be using the plural of earth.
³ Is that the correct word for an inspired translation or is it just simply another different word altogether? No, no! Don't tell me! I want to be surprised when I see my editor's head explode!
⁴ Yes I'm going to ignore that "Whole Donuts" mascot is a guy giving a rimjob to a donut.
⁵ Excuse my blasphemy.
⁶ The best kind to argue with because can you imagine how terrifying real strawmen would be? And itchy!
⁷ On the other hand, the two panels before this one contained a dick joke⁸!
⁸ Does the cigar count as another dick joke? Probably!
⁹ I know what I typed.
¹⁰ That's what I call my toilet bowl.
¹¹ As all normal people do, obvs.
¹² In a narration box so I think it has to be true.

Action Comics #971

Superman as executioner! This feels like a cover from the sixties.

This whole setup is perfect! Superman can kill Lex and return to Earth like nothing ever happened.

Lois: *while doing laundry* "So, what happened to Lex?"
Clark: "Oh, um, couldn't find him."
Lois: "That's too...um, why is the inside of your suit covered in dried semen?"

Having discovered Lex Luthor was hiding a Mother Box in his rectum, Superman now believes that Lex Luthor is completely guilty of everything ever. Although if I know Superman (and I'm pretty sure I know Superman. He's not too smart, a little naive, writes editorial pieces as Clark Kent praising the fuck out of himself, punches things in the face constantly, etc.), I have to assume he's faking so he can come up with a plan to shit all over this planet's laws and rescue Lex from the gallows.

After saying that, Superman does this:


Way to fake a whole bunch of stupid tension for two pages, Jurgens!

Superman tries to escape with Lex in a Boom Tube. But L'call manages to hack the Boom Tube and they wind up on a swamp planet with a red sun. See? I knew Superman was going to get careless and fuck himself by leaving Earth! Lex would be better off having relied on Aquaman. Although it would have to be Cullen Bunn's Aquaman since that's the Aquaman that travels through space. If I were Lex, I'd rather die.

L'call and Zade arrive and there's a big fight where Lex has to play the hero because Superman is powerless. The end of the fight doesn't take place before the end of this issue.

Meanwhile on Earth, Lois and Jon are hanging out in New 52 Lois's apartment when Fake Clark Kent drops by with some Chinese food. He's been suspicious that Jon had something to do with Lois and Superman which is why he's been snooping around. Now he's probably killed the takeout delivery guy so he could catch Lois together with Jon.

The Ranking!
Ugh. No change, I suppose. I probably would have dropped this comic a few months ago but I can't drop it before it gets to Issue #1000, can I?! I'm such a sucker! What a dope! I hate myself for my weakness!

Action Comics #969

Superman looks like Ma Kent just kicked him out of the kitchen after catching him trying to steal some brownies.

• Last issue, Lex Luthor was kidnapped by aliens because they need to put him on trial for future crimes. I'm not sure what kind of a trial that would be. The prosecution would be all, "He's going to destroy a planet in the future." And the judge would be all, "Defendant, how do you plead?" And the defendant would be all, "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!"

• I just posted this on Facebook: "People find it insulting when I think they're dumb because they don't think Trump is dumb. What I find insulting is that people don't think, "Tess is so smart, maybe I should consider what he's saying. Maybe I am dumb!" Stop being so insulting to me!" I wonder how many family members won't realize I'm joking. I mean, sort of joking. They really should listen to me!

• I didn't say "how many friends won't realize I'm joking" because I'm only friends with smart people. And since they're smart, they share my opinions. It's not that I choose my friends because they echo the things I think. It's just that the things I think are the correct things to think which smart people think up. So if I'm friends with other smart people, they think up the same things I think up! I'm not friends with dumb people because how can you relate to them? I don't see people of average intelligence hanging out with people with intellectual disabilities. So why would I hang out with people of average intelligence?! It's pretty much the same thing. Besides, I usually wind up straining an eyeball due to all of the times I have to roll my eyes when they talk.

• I've been told people are put off when I admit to being super smart. Also when I quote myself. But I can't not quote myself! Who else is going to quote me if not me? Most people are too busy quoting Garfield and Marmaduke comic strips. They don't have time to read my quotes and then reread my quotes and then look up some of the longer words in the dictionary and then Google for an online dictionary when they can't find the word in the Urban Dictionary and then ask their smarter friends what the quote means before they memorize the quote and then use it completely out of context because they didn't understand their smarter friend's explanation and felt too stupid to ask for clarification!

• I don't mind if people are put off by my approach to life. Sometimes I find it funny to write like an idiot and sometimes I find it funny to write as if I'm the smartest person in the room (I'm alone right now with my cat so I'm fairly certain I'm the smartest person here (as long as you define "person" as "not a cat")). If other people don't find it funny and instead feel miffed that I'd brag about my smartitude, that's their problem with their own stupidity and lack of self-confidence. I'm not responsible for their confidence! I can only be responsible for mine! And I've been polishing that shit for over forty years now! It shines brighter than the sun, motherfuckers!

• Some people don't like it when I swear either. But I usually just tell my mom to fuck off and stop reading my private journals.

This is every scared idiot in America right now. "But if closing the borders will save lives (even though there's no evidence that people in the countries banned from entering are any kind of threat, historically or from intelligence briefings), we should totally throw the whole spirit of America into the fucking toilet!"

• This is the current "I can't think for myself but I heard this analogy somewhere" argument for closing our borders: "We lock our doors for a reason! Why don't we do the same for our borders!" But what that analogy is really saying is, "I look through my peephole when somebody knocks at the door and if they're brown, I don't fucking open that shit!" These are all the same people who don't feel safe without a gun. So they care about their own safety but for some reason they're completely deaf to any terrorist attack committed by a white male citizen of the United States. There's a term for these kinds of people but they really hate to hear it: racists. There's a reason nobody's talking about a wall on our Canadian border or stopping immigration from English speaking nations.

Lex here is currently me on Facebook arguing with conservative family members.

• Some of you might be thinking, "Ha ha! You (who is Lex) are getting your face smashed into a wall!" But he's still insulting their intelligence and they totally know he's right! That's the best way to get under somebody's skin. No matter what they do to you, emotionally or physically, just keep pointing out how dumb they are and they fucking can't take it. Mostly because dumb people will shout to the rafters how they're not dumb but inside they can't shake the knowledge that it's true. They really are as dumb as everybody knows they are.

• Lex thinks by denying that he'll destroy a world in the future, L'call the Godslayer will see the error of his ways and reasonably let Lex go. But Lex doesn't take into account that the guy calls himself a "godslayer." He not only believes in gods but he also believes he lays them. Or he is composed of a layer of gods? I don't know. His name is confusing. The point is that he believes in gods so he's not going to be swayed by a rational argument like "I didn't do that thing that I will do in the future!"

• Instead of killing Lex immediately, L'call decides to tell him the story about how he came to learn about Lex Luthor. That might seem like it's a standard part of the trial but according to some minor characters seen previously, L'call usually kills the Future Criminal before coming back to his home planet. Once again, the "bad" guy gives the "good" guy a chance to escape by actually being more restrained than the "good" guys usually are.

• You have to wonder how the main cast of The Walking Dead are the good guys when they murder people instantly and indiscriminately in order to survive. But killing quickly isn't the main reason they've all survived so long. The main reason is because the "bad" guys never kill them instantly! The "bad" guys always leave the "good" guys alive long enough to figure out a way to kill the "bad" guys. It really makes you wonder if we, the audience, haven't been tricked into rooting for the wrong group of survivors!

• L'call's story amounts to "Darkseid died so I was going to quit but then I heard that you were going to be the new Darkseid and I came out of retirement for one last mission." But since Lex Luthor isn't quite dead, L'call might be having second thoughts about the whole leaving retirement thing. Or he's just making the usual "bad" guy mistake and being reasonable and patient right up until he's dead.

• Meanwhile on Earth, Superman decides to visit Geneticron in its new location in the middle of the jungle. Not the most convenient location. Or most logical. I'm sure there's a good reason for the building having been plucked out of Metropolis and deposited in the jungle. I just don't think Dan Jurgens has figured out what that reason is yet.

Oh look! Dan just figured it out! It doesn't make any sense but at least he tried to explain it.

• Superman finds a portal back to L'call's homeworld inside Geneticron. Superman's supposition that L'call moved the building so that Superman wouldn't connect the dots relies pretty heavily on the idea that L'call knew about Superman. It also seems weird that L'call needed a portal to Earth with controls that opened the portal on the Earth side when he seemed to easily transport Lex back to his homeworld while in Metropolis (otherwise Superman could have followed him rather than relying on this whole "energy signature" thing). Superman also makes sure to point out that there are still parts of this mystery that he doesn't understand so that the reader can think, "Yeah, I'm right there with you Superman! This makes no sense at all!"

• It might all be nonsense but it allows Superman a way to travel to L'call's home to save Lex Luthor. I guess that's the most important part and I shouldn't look too closely at all of the other parts, like what ties Geneticron has to L'call or why L'call's portal home was inside the same kind of stasis shell that held Doomsday or why employees of Geneticron aren't flooding the Daily Planet with calls about how their place of employment simply disappeared.

The Ranking!
No change. Superman is actually going off-world to do some superhero stuff! Now when I read another comic book that points out the Justice League is off-world, I can remember this comic book and think, "Yeah! Superman does leave the planet sometimes! And nobody wants a Justice League without Superman coming to their rescue so saying that the Justice League is off-world when just Superman is makes sense. Who wants to call for the Justice League's help and wind up with Aquaman and Simon Baz?

Killer Frost Rebirth #1

I hope this is just twenty pages of Killer Frost shaving the side of her head.

This issue is a test to see that Killer Frost can keep her need to kill in check otherwise Batman will have no use for her. It seems odd that Batman and Amanda Waller's entire concern is that Killer Frost doesn't feed on anybody when they know she needs to absorb other people's life force to stay alive. They simply expect her to suffer. At the end of the issue, we see that she's been coping by absorbing small amounts of energy from everybody she comes into contact with instead of completely draining and killing a person every few days. But, again, nobody discusses this with her. I'm not sure if the ending of this issue is supposed to be a revelation that she hasn't quite lost the killer inside of her or that she's just doing what she needs to do in a responsible way. I have to assume that, since she's being sneaky about it, we're supposed to think she hasn't changed as much as she's saying she has. But wouldn't it be better for Batman, who is supposedly the smartest guy ever or something, to discuss the issue with Killer Frost? This issue shouldn't be twenty pages of making sure Killer Frost doesn't take a life even when she's about to die. This issue should be twenty pages of Batman sitting down with Killer Frost and discussing a plan for managing her need to absorb heat. It's not like Batman is recruiting other members for the team and telling one that the can't eat and another that they can't breathe and another that they can never shit. He needs to take fucking responsibility and work out a plan to manage Killer Frost's physical needs! If I were Batman, I'd try to set her up with Lobo. They'd make a nice couple. Lobo would probably love being completely drained while fucking and Killer Frost wouldn't have to worry about killing him either.

What Did I Learn?
I mentioned in a previous Justice League vs. Suicide Squad that Batman was making a great new Outsiders team. But I also only brought that up when Deadshot was one of the pretend members. That's a team I'd like to see. But I also see why it would be wrong to call this team Outsiders and why, symbolically, Orlando needs to call it the Justice League of America. Calling a team with a gay guy, an Asian immigrant, a young black female model, a white female pop star, and Lobo (who represents the MRA or something, I guess) The Outsiders is sending the message that these character types are on the fringes of America instead of that these are examples of the make-up of America. And Batman fills it out by being the rich bastard controlling everybody. See? Perfect metaphor for America!

The Ranking!
Can we just get to JLA Rebirth already?!

Action Comics #967

Ah ha ha! What a crazy mix-up!

Look, my suspension of disbelief can take Clark Kent wearing his costume underneath his clothes. But I'm not buying that Lex pays for clothing fitted to hang over his armor! It's not like he's hiding his secret identity. Plus, he's smarter than Luke Fox so shouldn't he have one of those suits that puts itself on you when you dive out of a window? I'm probably not supposed to question the cover because it's just a joke. It's super funny too! Look at all the buttons flying everywhere! I bet Lois and Mercy are sick of sewing them back onto these guys's shirts.

Oh! I have an idea for showing our displeasure with Donald Trump! The day he takes office, everybody should Tweet him photos of their bowel movements every time they have one. Can you imagine how furious he'd be having to see millions of shits every day! I mean, he'll probably just have an assistant manage his Twitter when that begins to happen. But you know he'd ask, every day, if the shit pics were still coming in. How long before it would be a crime to send a picture of a shit, if that happened? Of course, we'd all still have to do it! It's not like anybody would take that law seriously! And just so we all get in the habit of doing it, from now until Trump's inauguration, we should tweet our bowel movements to Nigel Farage. I might buy a Smartphone just to do this! Who's with me?!

This is the first page! I knew Lois should have never been given her reporting job back!

L'call and Zade are the guys hunting Superman. They're Time Cops or something and they've come to kill Superman before he winds up destroying Earth and probably the Omniverse too. I mean, you don't hunt somebody through time if they're just going to jaywalk next week. I don't know if these guys are from the future or if they just heard a prophecy from a friend of a friend and are now acting on it. It's not like Superman has done anything horrible yet. I don't think. If this is time travel shenanigans, or alternate timeline knavery, then Superman can be blamed for practically anything and how can he defend himself?

The Time Cops might also be looking for somebody other than Superman. Especially since they sensed the "Annihilator" was nearby while in Metropolis and Superman is currently in the Amazon with Superboy tearing down trees. He discovers the Geneticron building there. I guess he figured out where it was with his Clark Kent investigative journalist skills. Once he finds it, he just leaves it there. He'll probably get Batman to figure out how to return it to Metropolis.

"Joshua Williamson takes a tired story--The Flash battles somebody faster than himself--and makes it more tireder!" -- Grunion Guy!

Lois Lane is busy interviewing Lex Luthor. She discovers that Lex's armor is linked to a Mother Box which makes him more dangerous than she already believed he was. But before she can get him to admit that he's still a big selfish jerk whose motivation to be Superman has nothing to do with keeping Metropolis safe, the Daily Planet is attacked!

Oh! Luthor does have the kind of armor that attaches itself after you fall out of a window!

Clark Kent uses his signal watch to summon Superman because nobody believes that whoever is attacking is a job for Lex Luthor. Especially when Lex Luthor is the job of the Time Cop attackers! Lex is destined to replace Darkseid and rule Apokolips which is why Godslayer and his buddy, Zade, have come to Earth to kill him. Idiots! Don't they know how time works? If Lex becomes Darkseid, he'll always become Darkseid! Going back in time to stop him is most assuredly the place he gets the idea to become Darkseid, along with the anger at Godslayer and the people Lex will eventually kill! "You all come back in time to kill me? Well, I'll kill you first!" Boom! Self-fulfilling time travel prophecy!

The Review
-1 Ranking. This comic books falls in the charts for two reasons: using time travel and motivation and introducing antagonists whose only reason for existing is to destroy the protagonists. Now the citizens of Metropolis who think Superman is more of a threat to Metropolis than a boon are justified in their beliefs! Because any collateral damage caused by this attack is absolutely Superman's fault. I mean, Lex Luthor Superman's fault, of course! But Superman is just lucky that this one time it isn't entirely his fault that aliens are attacking Metropolis.

Action Comics #965

That clock is way too flaccid for what's going on here.

The Review!
In boring news for the bored, Lois Smith has decided her best next life course of action is to impersonate Lois Lane and commit serious fraud, breaking and entering, theft, and probably some kind of sodomy. She does such a good job, she even fools the Narration Boxes into putting little LLs into themselves. Everybody is either completely fooled or pretending to be completely fooled since nobody knows Lois Lane was turned into a pile of dust by a female Bizarro. Well, nobody except that other Superwoman, Lana Lang. She guest stars in this comic book along with Perry White, Jimmy Olsen, that Meathead Football Lunk Reporter, and Lex Luthor. Overall, nothing exciting happens and I'm a little bit sorry I spent time reading this issue and a lot sorry I spent time writing this bit that points out that I wasted my time reading it. Lois never even takes any clothes off. So disappointing.

The Ranking!
0! That title, "Action Comics", is seriously misleading.

Action Comics #963

"Superman, Meet Clark Kent" might make for an acceptable header for this comic book if it weren't for the "Part One". Does a story about two people meeting really need more than one part?

The Commentary!
• Superman just took five or six issues to defeat Doomsday. I hope it doesn't take as many to get Clark Kent in the sack.

• Clark Kent is way too fit to be a print journalist. Unless he's a gay print journalist! Does Lois have a brother named Louis?

• Apparently Clark is reinventing investigative journalism by breaking into buildings and beating the shit out of security guards.

If he wanted people to believe he wasn't Superman, perhaps he should stop acting like an asshole.

• It's possible that Clark's dictionary somehow mixed up the definitions for investigative journalist and vigilante.

• Clark attributes his ability to take down an armed security guard to wrestling calves back in Smallville. Holy shit. Smallville must have the meanest, most well armed cows in the country!

• I know Clark's method of investigating a story doesn't make much sense but wouldn't it be nice if actual journalists would do one percent of the shit Clark is doing to try to get to the truth?! I'm glad everybody is finally realizing that Fox News has really only been a distraction from the fact that all news outlets are garbage. It's just when you have one that is a garbage dump the size of Staten Island (was that redundant?), you tend to not notice the other piles of trash spread around the television dial.

• The narrative returns to the start of Clark's day so we can find out why he thought it was a good idea to break into a building with so many armed guards willing to shoot trespassers. He meets up with Perry so they can go see Luthor give a speech to his staff at the Daily Planet.

• Nobody believes Clark Kent is really Clark Kent. It makes sense that nobody would believe it because Clark isn't fucking explaining it to anybody. Clark Kent was Superman. Superman died. But there's still a Clark Kent claiming to be the real Clark Kent. Now unless the Kent's locked their real son in the storm cellar in favor of the alien they found crashed in a field, Clark Kent still existing makes no sense. Did Superman just lose his powers completely to the Sand Superman and now he's just plain old Clark Kent? I suppose since that escaped convict thought he was Superman, maybe he took all of Clark Kent's memories of being Superman so that this Clark Kent doesn't even realize he had been Superman! Maybe he's the same person but missing all of his Superman experiences so he can't explain to everybody how he's the actual Clark Kent. He would be just as confused as everybody else. Although if that's the case, wouldn't he be curious to find out why Lois thought he was Superman? Maybe he just thinks she was making a shitty play at a Pulitzer.

• Lex Luthor's meeting is all about Clark Kent! I hope we get to the bottom of this mystery right now at the beginning of Part One of "Superman, Meet Clark Kent"! What are the odds of that happening? Lousy, right?

Far away? What kind of imprecise reporting is that?! Where were you exactly? Show us some receipts!

• Since the company Clark is investigating is called Geneticron, it must mean he's a clone. Or maybe he's from Earth Bore.

• Clark Kent is given a lie detector test to determine if he's telling the truth about not being Superman. He passes. Which either proves that he's not Superman or completely proves that he's Superman and he can cheat a lie detector test! It's not like it would be hard! Many people cheat the lie detector test without even trying because it's a piece of shit test that doesn't actually prove anything except that a certain percentage of people act the same way when lying and the other percentage of people get fucked.

• Here are the reasons Clark gives for investigating Geneticron: "secretive communications that pointed to some serious business"; "strange purchases of rare metals"; "offshore accounts that pointed to money laundering"; and "rumors of a hidden vault with incredible secrets." Am I crazy or do none of those qualify for a reason to break in to a company and risk your life to find the story? Okay, the hidden vault is a good reason to do that but how is having a secret vault a criminal act by the company? So they have a hidden vault with secret shit that they don't want competitors to steal! What gives Clark the right to break in to find out what's in it?

• Clark does admit that maybe he should have come up with a better plan than breaking in to figure out what was in the hidden vault. I'm pretty sure what he'd find would be an empty Doomsday sized pod. Oh! If he found that, he'd actually have a justifiable reason for pursuing this story!

• Clark winds up on the roof of the building where the CEO ambushes him and throws him over the side. Clark is caught by Superman while everybody watches so they can all go, "Hey! It's Superman and Clark Kent! In the same place at the same time! Bah, we've all been fooled by this trick before!" Some of the people even say, "Duh! Weren't you idiots watching the Doomsday attack on television? Clark and Superman were seen together there too!"

• Next issue: Superman beats Clark near to death to get him to talk!

The Review
The Rebirth of Action Comics has been a huge disappointment. The first story is a story that didn't need to be repeated even though it's been about twenty five years since it was first told. Fuck Doomsday. Nobody cares about him anymore except DC and Dan Jurgens. And now a story about how Superman isn't Clark Kent at all and somehow never was or something. DC Comics goes through a really tough time whenever they try to fix their universe. In trying to return Superman to his former glory by simply replacing New 52 Superman with Preboot Superman and all of the history that went with it (which is mostly just the history back to sometime after Crisis when he was retooled? Who can fucking keep track!), they've destroyed the Clark Kent of this new DC Universe. But, for some reason, they still want a Clark Kent because Clark Smith just doesn't fucking cut the mustard, whatever that fucking means. But who the fuck cares about a fucking Clark Kent that doesn't have any-fucking-thing to do with Superman?! I figure Clark Smith Superman will let the sides of his hair go gray and this mysterious Clark Kent will eventually remember that he actually is Superman and the status quo will return to Pre-Crisis levels of confusion! I'm all for that but fuck Clark Kent, journalist and never-was-Superman asshole.

Ranking: -2!

Action Comics #961

Since I called the Superwoman comic book "Superwomans", does that mean I should be calling this "Actions Comics"?

The Review!
This issue is terrible. I say that because Doomsday is boring as fuck and Superman is an idiot. He can't think of one way to deal with Doomsday that doesn't involve punching Doomsday in the face one thousand times until he dies? And the "he" in that previous sentence was a pronoun substitution for Superman. It might be time for DC Comics to kill Doomsday once and for all. Doomsday must be the character approximation of DC Comics getting its prostate massaged. What I mean is that I think they're the only ones getting any pleasure out of this character. Apparently a writer who doesn't have any better ideas can just look at their editor and ask, "Doomsday?" Then after everybody comes in their pants and smokes a cigarette, the editor is all, "Yeah, yeah. Definitely!" Meanwhile DC's audience just yawns as they watch the finger get shoved way in and wriggle around a bit. Watching prostate stimulation doesn't really make for good porn. Doomsday is a really weird choice as their go-to monster when they need an unstoppable force which is too bad because Doomsday has no personality at all. Have they ever tried Gray Hulking Doomsday? Maybe give him a neckbeard and a Fedora and have him act like the smartest guy in the room? I think DC should try that next time! Or, you know, my first suggestion. Just fucking kill him.

The Commentary!
I wonder if Clark and Lois are sorry for having a child yet. They're almost certainly sorry for coming out of hiding because since then, Jon has been targeted by both Eradicator and Doomsday. Also he killed their cat and got their dog killed. He's a little troublemaker.

You might remember that this comic book has been all about battling Doomsday again. Look, DC Comics. I get it. Doomsday killed Superman once so you think he deserves some kind of trophy in the Super Villain Hall of Fame. But he's just not interesting. He beats stuff until it breaks. That's it. I don't care that he has a bio-babble evolutionary background that Dan Jurgens thinks is the smartest origin ever written. It's terrible! Nothing about Doomsday is cool except maybe the way he looks. Except for those green shorts. Does he have to keep the shorts? He'd be cooler swinging around a big pronged dick, don'tcha think? I could understand why you'd want to keep bringing him back if he was missing the shorts but it boggle my mind that he's your go-to character for a big, tense action story. Here's an idea: create some new characters! I guarantee at least half of them will be better than Doomsday.

Currently Doomsday is trying to beat Superman's son until he breaks. But Superman and Wonder Woman will die before that happens. Which, according to how powerful Doomsday supposedly is, should be the statement I make at the end of this fight. Superman and Wonder Woman died before Superman's son was beaten until he broke. If that happened, I'd be impressed! Or at least astounded! Because one thing everybody knows while reading this is that Doomsday is not going to kill Superman again. The audience understands how comic books work and so know that it won't happen on that level alone. But remember when Superman died last time? It was a huge news story! Everybody knew Superman was going to die and in what issue. So if that were going to happen again, we'd already know about it.

Although Damian's death somehow took a lot of people by surprise, didn't it? Oh no! Maybe Superman is going to die!

If Superman thinks the way to defeat Doomsday is the way he tried last time, Superman is in trouble.

Superman continues to not use his brains to defeat Doomsday. He even decides using his brains less and less as the fight goes on is the best course of action. So while he's getting his ass kicked even with Wonder Woman's help, Superman sends Wonder Woman away with his family. He also says there's no time to get the Justice League involved. I'm fairly certain The Flash can be there in two shakes of a lamb's tail. Oh! That should be August Heart's name: Two Shakes of a Lamb's Tail. Although I guess he already went with Godspeed.

Meanwhile, Doctor Oz(yman(hattan)dias) is scheming some scheme about opening a gate. It's either part of his plot against the DC Universe or he's having trouble with his dog getting out of his yard.

Superman finally decides it's time to make a plan!

Weird. He's saying he's doing things different but this still looks a whole lot like punching.

Superman is the worst at plans and realizes he's going to be killed yet again. But then Doctor Oz(yman(hattan)dias)'s army of Big O's come flying in to save the day! They have weapons that easily control Doomsday (or maybe not so easily but, I mean, they're in one panel and they've pretty much got things under control) and begin shoving him toward some gate. I guess Superman failed the test, whatever it was.

Deathstroke #20

Slade has had so many last stands I've lost count. But then I can only count up to six anyway.

The Review!
I realized something years ago but I'm just now giving it voice through typed words: I don't want people on Tumblr reading my comic book commentaries! They constantly misunderstand everything and get way too involved in their stupid feelings for fictional characters! Although it is entertaining when somebody who writes about Superboy sucking a different character's cock every day gets angry at me for using the Superboy Tag incorrectly! And I'll never forget the Deathstork fan who went apoplectic when I pointed out Deathstork is a rapey amoral dick who really doesn't love his children as much as he wants people to think he loves them. Seriously? How many other loving parents do you know who have killed their children? I mean ones you know personally and haven't seen on Dateline! Sometimes people think I'm actually mad at them when I respond to something they've said because I find hyperbolic anger funny. I can't blame them for thinking that though! That would be a total dick move by me and I'm not a dick. I'm an asshole. It's a subtle difference! This isn't much of a review of Deathstork, is it? Well, I haven't even read it yet! But I'm willing to predict how the comic book will be: terrible! It hasn't been good since Liefeld was writing it! And it wasn't good then either! But it was fun to write about Liefeld's art! He was so terrible at it! And I'm not just saying that to be one of the cool people who think it's cool to make fun of Rob Liefeld because they're cool. I'm saying it because Liefeld's art is objectively bad. Maybe it's just that he's always fucking too lazy to draw well and maybe he can draw well when he wants to prove a point. But usually he doesn't and I think that means always that he can't. He once drew Slade with no left leg because he was copying the art from an old Teen Titans comic book and forgot to copy the lower half of a soldier's leg after a branch blocked part of it!

Anyway, who's up for a return of Deathstork's War Journal?!

The Commentary!
This issue begins on Danger Island, an aptly named island full of danger and also surrounded by water! So descriptive and apt! It's where the Dead Bastards live and Slade really wants to kill them. So he's visiting and killing them as he visits. He's also decided to write about it in his War Journal.

Slade usually makes a big deal about his reputation and how he always completes a job and about how his word is his bond and how he only kills for money. But today is opposite day because Slade is breaking his oath to Ra's while also killing everybody on Danger Island for free and it's the weekend so he's not on the clock at all. But all of this takes place seventeen hours after the comic book really begins, so the part where Deathstork scribbles into his War Journal, "The devil can kiss my ass," won't actually happen for awhile. Maybe when the story loops back around to that bit, I'll draw a stick figure rimming out the devil stick figure while jerking himself off. Since stick figures are mostly sticks, you probably won't be able to tell what's happening except for the fact that I just told you what will be happening. Now when you see it, you'll probably throw up.

Slade is angry at Ra's al Ghul because Ra's thinks they made one oral contract and Slade thinks they made another. Ra's doesn't care because he has a League of Lawyer Assassins to take on the case if it goes to "court". Slade seems angry because he wants people to think he loves his children and is trying to keep them safe but he really only loves for people to think he loves his children. For some reason. I don't know why he's so obsessed with those brats anyway. Why aren't they off in DC's version of Degrassi High making teenage fans cream their underwear over their relationship exploits? They're getting in the way of really good murder and mayhem in this thing!

Rose needs to suck Ra's's cock once per day or she'll die. I guess Jericho is hanging around hoping to catch whatever Rose has so he can suck Ra's's cock every day too. Slade isn't happy about it because even though he loves his children (supposedly!), he doesn't think they should be allowed to make decisions of their own, especially if they differ from his decisions.

How does that eye patch even stay on? Staples? And can women poop out of the front? Just asking for no reason.

Slade decides to give his children a parental talk even though he has an erection.

I think it was the blood flowing through their veins line that got Slade horny.

It's nice to see characters who can't imagine anything better for themselves than the same old bullshit their parents have struggled with. It's making me second guess my decision to forge my own life rather than accept that my drunk father's drunk blood flows through my veins! Why wasn't it futile for me to oppose my drunk nature?! I'm a failure!

I hope Slade is old again in his Rebirth comic book! Maybe I'll read that next because I just can't wait to see the scene where he finds he's grown old again and checks his balls.

Ra's tells his new minions that it's time to go to war because they have a bigger war that they really need to get to after this war. So chop chop, everybody! Literally! Also bang bang!

Back on Danger Island, the brains of the Dead Bastards discuss their plans for defending their island against Mystasia's intuition of a coming attack.

According to the map on the wall, their headquarters is a 3rd Grade classroom.

Victor is a really smart leader because after they all suggest how to defend the island and they all shoot down everybody else's suggestions, Victor comes up with the best plan: kill Deathstroke first! Hey, Victor? I think that was the goal of all the other plans that were more plans than just, "I don't know. I guess we kill him good?"

Some of you might be confused about what's going on in this story so I'll try to clear things up a bit. You see, Deathstork made enemies with Lawman because Lawman was dead on a battlefield and Slade left his corpse there to rot instead of dying trying to save the corpse. But Lawman wasn't totally a corpse and was healed. But he didn't think, "Thankfully Slade left me on the battlefield where I was found and resurrected by people with the technology to make me a super person rather than dragging me along with him where I surely would have bled out in some hidey-hole as he tried to survive!" No, he thought, "Fucking Slade! What a dick checking my pulse wrong! I mean, I might have been dead with no pulse but he should have thought of something! No I will forget all of my dreams and desires for my own success and hunt Slade down until he is a big dead dum-dum!" Victor was Slade's partner who wanted Slade to make the Dead Bastards even more famous and rich. But then Lawman was all, "I'll make you more famous and rich if you literally stab Slade in the back!" So Victor did! And they all rejoiced! Except Slade got away! And now Slade wants to kill them because they want to kill him because he once went about living his own life. It all makes so much sense that I can't understand how anybody wouldn't think this was the best book ever written.

"It's his semen!"

Deathstork's plane is shot down on the beach but Jericho uses his body possessing powers to make a shield around them. The rest of the planes land away from the crashed plane and Lawman, watching on the monitor, is all, "Well, those guys in that plane are dead! Better just ignore it now and turn our attention to the other planes. No way we'll be taken for fools!" Then Slade is all, "Let's go take Lawman and Victor and Mystasia and Snakebite as if they were fools!" Rose is all, "Great idea dad!", as she wipes semen from her lips.

Deathstork's plan is to cut off the head of the snake to kill the body. Is that a direct quote from The Art of War? Probably! The only other book it could be from is The Prince. Not The Little Prince, you jerk! That would make that book so different I might actually like it! I mean, who doesn't like The Little Prince?! It teaches so little by doing so much! I mean the opposite of that! I think. Whatever, everybody likes that book so I should probably just point out that it's been a favorite of mine since whenever it first came out. Like 2008 or something?

The League of Assassins must have sent their Monkey Assassin Squad to Danger Island because they get destroyed by three opponents. Not like the battle on the beach matters anyway. The real battle is the one where Slade will kill Victor and then Ra's will kill Slade. Then Ra's will forget to check Slade's pulse and he'll walk away and then Slade will be all, "Jericho? Jericho? Did you save me?" And Jericho will be all, "Yes, father. Although I don't know why. You don't even know that my name is Joseph!"

Instead of killing Victor immediately, Slade threatens Victor long enough for Victor to push a button and drop through a trapdoor and escape into the jungles of Danger Island. I guess Deathstork's reflexes aren't what they used to be. Or this story needed to be extended a few more pages with a chase scene. Or Bonny was just, "Fuck it! Why did I have Deathstork go somewhere totally far away from the people readers really want to see him fight? I guess after Victor gets away, I'll just have them teleport back to the beach where they could have been anyway if their plane hadn't have crashed so they could sneak off to fail to kill Victor and wind up right back at the fight agains Mystasia, Lawman, and Snakebite!" So, as you may have surmised, after Victor flees, Deathstork, Jericho, Rose, and Ra's somehow appear on the beach and join in the big battle.

After all the trouble Slade had in previous issues, this time he simply stabs Mystasia in one panel, de-stings Snakebite in another, shoots Lawman in the chest in one more, and cuts off Victor's hand. Why couldn't he have been this effective five issues ago?

Ra's stops the fight to point out that this was just a big job interview and they all have jobs if they want them! If they don't, they will be killed. I've had worse job interviews. But just as Victor is going to accept the terms, Deathstork kills him which pisses of Ra's for some reason. Who cares about Victor Ruiz as a member of the League? Does Ra's need that many new people to suck his dick on a daily basis? Was Victor the greatest dicksucker in all the world?

Before Ra's can kill Deathstork in Deathstork's own book (which would be so humiliating), Jericho uses his powers--which I'm starting to suspect are more than just the ability to possess people--to force Ra's to stop fighting. He then reveals that he knows Ra's lied about Rose's life being saved by daily doses of Ra's's semen and that he got them to swear allegiance under false pretenses. What?! How dare he! He's practically a villain now in my book. Ra's decides to let Deathstork's family go because who needs rebellious assholes in your army. It's what killed the United States' draft!

And with the end of Deathstork's long road, he finally realizes that his story is a worse story when his kids are involved. And then through sheer force of will, he grows old again so that Rebirth can start where this book should never have stopped starting. Or something.

Action Comics #959

This is Lex trying to be a good guy?

The Review!
I guess Dan Jurgens wasn't happy with the Death of Superman story he wrote twenty-five years ago. It's time to tell it differently. Probably with a surprise ending where Superman lives! I hope it ends soon though because the only interesting thing about Doomsday is that he once killed Superman. And--let's face it--he's not going to do it again. So what we have here is a story with no tension about a villain with no personality on a rampage with no motivation. I don't think it ticks off any boxes in the "Things That Make A Story" list of boxes to tick! Although it does leave the reader wondering, "Who is Clark Kent? What a surprise mystery! My bowels are on fire! This story is so exciting! No, wait! That's the burrito I ate doing that! So many jalapeños!" I wonder how many times during the story Dan Jurgens asked his editor, "Can we make the enemy Soviet Russia?" Only the people you know that Dan Jurgens is a robot built in 1986 whose memory has never been upgraded will understand that joke. And maybe even some of those people won't understand it!

The Commentary!
I tend to avoid saying or writing things in a straightforward manner which usually just confuses earnest and probably boring people. It also confuses the Actually Nerds because they can't wait to fucking find fault with something somebody said! And a lot of times, it seems like I might have put forward an erroneous piece of information! I probably didn't but don't try to convince an Actually Nerd that you weren't wrong! Although if you consistently write in a confusing enough manner, you can get away with saying all kinds of horrible things! Because when somebody accuses you of being pro-domestic violence (which seems a really fucking strange thing to believe somebody would believe! I mean, they might commit domestic violence or make jokes about it but you'll rarely find somebody bearing its standard! I mean, unless they're religious in a really fundamental way!), you can tell them that they read the offending piece wrong and that maybe they should try reading it again but with the understanding that I am not pro-domestic violence. That usually clears things up. Or, at the very least, it makes the person go away. And I don't feel the need to come out on top of every debate I have! I just want it to end quickly so I can go back to not being bothered by people.

This issue begins with Preboot Lois Lane remembering when Preboot Doomsday attacked Preboot Superman.

Let's be honest here: at the time, the Justice League were amateur hour.

In the previous caption, I didn't know whether to say "the Justice League were amateur hour" or "the Justice League was amateur hour." But since Lois settled on were even though she may have only used that in reference to they (which was referencing the Justice League, so...), I decided to follow suit. She is the greatest journalist ever for some reason! I think in her comic book, Lois Lane, Superman's Girlfriend, she used to write cute little articles that got some attention. You know, for a girl.

Oh! That was one of those horrible things I pretend I can get away with writing! Because while most people will read it and call me an asshole and never read anything I've written ever again, some people will read that and understand that I'm not being sexist at all! I'm pointing out how sexist it was to name Lois Lane's comic book, "Superman's Girlfriend." But some people don't like that kind of satire or parody or whatever it was. They just think I'm using it as an excuse to belittle Lois Lane's writing due to her gender. I would never do that! I always belittle her writing because it's usually horrible. Especially when Scott Lobdell is allowed to write it.

I don't think Lois meant for this to sound like it does.

Doomsday is currently killing Lex Luthor and Superman is taking his time coming to the rescue. I know Superman is supposed to save everybody but it's not like he has to save everybody immediately, you know? Sometimes learning a lesson is more important than a few broken bones.

Doomsday says "Brah!" when Superman finally tackles him off of Lex. Does that mean I should begin referring to him as Doucheday? Doomsdouche? I don't think either one of those is catchy enough. It's not like Deathstork which just rolls off the tip of my fingers (mostly on accident).

Superman has decided that this isn't the Doomsday of this Earth who was already pummeled into an airborne virus. This is the same Doomsday from his world! Or at least a nearly identical approximation of that Doomsday, probably created by all of the worlds greatest scientists and artists on a secret island who were then killed before receiving their paychecks from Doctor Oz(ymandias). If Superman can defeat Doomsday this time, he'll pass the test! I don't know what kind of test it is. I guess it's to test if Superman will actually think through a problem instead of bashing it into submission with his fits.

Superman smashes Doomsday through the street and into the sewers. The mysterious new Clark Kent falls in the hole while warning Jimmy Olsen not to fall in the hole. He's clumsy enough to be the real Clark Kent! And he breaks his arm in the fall, so he's definitely not a super person. He probably is New 52 Superman who finally lost all of his powers and somehow switched places with the Quarmer. He's going to need some tips from Steve Trevor about how to survive having sex with Wonder Woman.

Clark and Superman exchange a few words to let the reader know something fucked up is going on but doesn't reveal enough to be interesting. Why do characters always waste time talking about how there's no time to explain the stuff that the reader wants explained? Just explain the stuff in the same amount of time it takes to argue about how you don't have time to explain it!

Lex manages to evacuate all of the citizens in the area just before Superman and Doomsday blow a crater in Metropolis a mile wide. Only Doomsday emerges from the rubble which doesn't mean anything except that Doomsday can dig out of rubble faster than Superman. But it probably causes Lois to pee her pants a little bit as she watches from home with Jon.

Deathstroke #19

Why does the Lawman want revenge against Snakebite's crotch?

The Review!
This comic book made me think bad things. Really bad things! Bad things that no person ever wants to admit to thinking if they want to win the Holier-Than-Everybody-Else War that is going on in the world! But guess what? I survived! Survived to think more inappropriate things next time! That's a good thing because the next comic book I'm going to read is Cullen Bunn's Sinestro and I know I'm going to need a lot of inappropriate words and phrases to describe the writing in that one! As to describing this book, it was the usual crap it's been since David Finch took over. Or was it Tony S. Daniel who was writing it? Whatever. They're basically the same guy. Both of them draw fish-mouthed men drenched in shadows. Both of them draw woman who look like fourteen year old girls. Both of them love using double splash pages. And neither of them can fucking write. I can't really criticize James Bonny too harshly here because he's just remaining true and emulating Daniel's style. Unless it was Finch.

The Commentary!
Deathstroke has been mishandled for decades now. The most fascinating part about him isn't the love he has for his children. I hate stories that have his kids in them. If Jericho and Rose and Grant were so fascinating, why don't they get their own stupid comic books?! How about letting Deathstroke's book be about Deathstroke's life? His kids just keep getting in the way! They're liabilities! But for some reason, Marv Wolfman had no idea how to keep Douchéstork motivated without involving the kids. Even after Grant and Joseph were dead, Slade pouted about for about fourteen issues before discovering he had a new, still alive child! What a mistake! Now instead of reading macho man-stories about a bad-ass mercenary who kills wantonly, I have to read about a guilt-ridden father trying to prove his pretend love by keeping his children who hate him safe. I wish Slade would just kill Jericho again!

Currently, Ra's al Ghul is offering to let Rose die for the low, low price of having nothing whatsoever to do with Deathstroke ever again! I'd take that deal, Slade! I'd even throw in Joseph! But no! Slade wants Rose to live so now he has to trade his pretend love for his kids for Rose's life. Lame.

When looking online for a model of Rose for this shot, Paolo must have spelled "dying woman in pain" as "woman having orgasm."

Ra's just happens to have a panacea in his hip pocket. I wanted to type "a panacea for everything" but everybody would think I'm stupid instead of referencing the stupid local news reporter I once saw whose flub has now entered my and the Non-Certified Spouse's lexicon.

I am not going to ask what the panacea is made from. Looking at it, I already know.

Ra's confirms my suspicions that the elixir is his semen when he tells Deathstroke, "The effects are temporary. She will require a daily dose of the elixir, provided by me." I guess that's why the first dose is in a tube. The second dose is going to require consent.

More Dead Bastards begin showing up so Slade agrees to Ra's al Ghul's rapey terms. Jericho has to help hold Rose's mouth open so Deathstroke is on his own in the fight to come.

I realize as Slade kills another five guys that I've been forgetting to keep track of his Kill Count! I guess it doesn't matter since Rebirth will probably cause him to remember ten years worth of other kills he made in the past and screw up the whole system.

"Take the panacea, Rose! Take it all!"

Jericho enters Rose's mind to coax her back to the world of the living. She's hanging out on a mind-beach in the same outfit has Haley of the Bloodlines Gang: half a pair of shorts and white paint in the shape of a tank top. Jericho is all, "You have to live again, Rose! Can you smell that salty ocean air? Inhale it! Gargle it! Swallow it all!" And just like that, she's alive again! At least until she refuses to suck Ra's al Ghul's cock tomorrow.

Back in the non-rapey part of the story, Lawman and Snakebite have crawled out from under the rubble and challenged Deathstroke to hand-to-hand combat. Deathstroke does not pull out his guns and shoot them in the face. Instead, he drops his weapons and agrees to their after-school terms.

Snakebite stands aside for some reason and waits for Deathstroke to kill Lawman before he gets a turn. The fistfight goes something like this:

Deathstroke: "You're a doody head!"
Lawman: "You are!"
Deathstroke: "Nuh-uh!"
Lawman: "Are too!
Deathstroke: "Take that back!"
Lawman: "No way!"
Deathstroke: "Ewwww! I'm so mad!"

Between their witty banter, they punch each other a lot. Slade's mask breaks early into the fight so the reader can see him grimace. It wouldn't be the same without the grimace! I would be all, "I wonder what Slade is feeling? Is he upset? Happy? Noncommittal?"

A slight feeling of annoyance that you had to drop everything in your life to go after her so nobody would think you don't care which you totally don't?

Slade finally gets the upper hand and is ready to kill both Lawman and Snakebite when Mystasia finally figures out how to reform from mist. She blinds Deathstroke so that Lawman and Snakebite can kill him easier. But she also makes sure to tell Deathstroke that the blindness is temporary. Was that a joke? Temporary because he'll be dead soon? No, I think that was just so the readers know Slade's vision will return after he kills everybody while blind. He has heightened senses, remember!

Jericho and Rose appear and Victor commands the Dead Bastards to retreat. I don't think they were that scared of Rose and Jericho. I think it was Ra's standing behind them that made them flee. Luckily Victor yells out the latitude and longitude of Danger Island so that everybody can easily find them.

Everybody heads back to Nanda Parbat (the Arrow television version and not the real one that actually exists in the DC Universe (you know what I mean by real!). There Slade discovers that the deal with Ra's to work for the League of Assassins included Rose and Jericho. He's actually surprised and upset by this! How did he think Rose was going to get her daily tonic if she were working as a waitress in Eureka?

Deathstroke #18

Slade's finally been reunited with his kids, What's-her-name and the other one!

The Review!
If you're a fan of bad writing and Rose's camel-toe, you'll love this issue! More things you might like about this issue: fake fatherly love, thin eye-patches, dresses that cling to every orifice, and stupid names! It's a cavalcade of things to make fun of!

The Commentary!
This issue begins with Slade Wilson hiding in plain sight because he says that's a good thing to do when you're being hunted. And he's a super smart mercenary with brain enhancements so why would I argue with him? I think the main conceit of his argument is that nobody would kill somebody when it isn't a challenge. Obviously he only thinks that way because he lives in a comic book where a villain who has a hero dead to rights would rather give the hero a fighting chance than to kill him. That way heroes can always survive! Villains are so stupid! Except for Deathstroke because he has brain enhancements, remember? Plus I don't think I'm supposed to think of him as a villain even though he raped a little girl. I guess he's a hero because the world isn't black and white? Sometimes a guy who rapes a young girl and then gets her killed is the good guy? I guess? I usually wouldn't think like that but a lot of Deathstroke fans have messaged me with things like "STOP CRITICIZING A FICTIONAL CHARACTER AND GO KILL YOURSLFE!" or "STOP USING THE DEATHSTROKE TAG INCORRECTLY! YOU SHOULD ONLY USE IT FOR SLASH RPG TAGS AND NOT AS AN IDENTIFIER OF A POST THAT DISCUSSES DEATHSTROKE. ALSO KILL YOURSELF!" or "U DUN NO ANYTHING ABOUT DEATHSTORK SO SHUT UP AND KILL UR SELF." Who am I to stand in the way of that kind of passion and iron clad arguments?!

While in plain sight, Deathstroke says rather loudly, "I am heading up to my room to get in the shower where I'll be showering in the shower naked without any weapons because I'm in the shower!"

These guys are so No Homo that they don't want to check the shower for a corpse because they might see naked cock.

I've never seen three assassins more proud to have shot up a shower door! Too bad they don't have those brain enhancements I was discussing earlier or else they would have reasoned like Deathstroke did! They would have thought, "Whoa! No homo, dude! I didn't look at no guy's balls never! Plus dose guys are, like, so overconfident dat I bet he tinks we's overconfident and he's gonna fink he's ambushin' us like when we tinks he be in da shower! So I'm gonna wait and kills him when he kills the ovver two guys who are totally homo cause dey gonna look at Slade's young balls in da shower! I also wonder what stupid accent I'm finking in! Am I from Jersey or Staten Island or is I a cockney lad?"

After killing the shower vandals, Douchéstork thinks about who sent them.

Deathstroke uses literally wrong. I have proof in the next scan from last issue!


See?!

Now, I'm not one of those nerds from the Actually Tribe, so I can admit when I might be wrong. Slade might not be talking about when Lawman literally stabbed him in the front. He might be talking about when Victor stabbed him in the back in Issue #16. But I don't want to think about how Deathstroke the Comic Book makes sense! I want to purposefully misinterpret it for my own amusement!

Slade continues with the Narration Boxing which I probably should have read before all of this "stabbed in the back" stuff because in those Narration Boxes he says it was Victor. Damn it! How dare you ruin my misrepresentation of you with facts, Comic Book! I will end you!

Victor just happens to call one of the now dead thugs to check in and see if the job is done. That's convenient because you would think it would work the other way and the assassin would call Victor to tell him the job was done! Victor could have blown the whole job by calling at the wrong moment! Luckily for the plot, it allows Slade to tell Victor that Victor's men are dead and totally homo and that Douchéstork is coming for Victor.

Deathstroke and his family are currently staying in Nanda Parbat with Ra's al Ghul. Why is Ra's al Ghul living in Nanda Parbat? This isn't the television show Arrow! This is the DC Comic Book Universe! Ra's doesn't belong in Nanda Parbat! Dammit! I forgot to begin one of these sentences with "actually!" See? I'm a horrible nerd of the Actually Tribe!

In Nanda Parbat, everybody continues to call Joseph Wilson "Jericho." I don't think he's been referred to as Joseph once in this comic book. I suppose I could let it go and assume that his name is simply Jericho Wilson in The New 52. But that would mean accepting something that would stop me from pointing out what a terrible father Slade is! He doesn't even know his own son's name!

Jericho uses his power to possess somebody's body by making eye contact with them to read Lawman's mind halfway across the globe. It's a comic book so it doesn't have to make sense! Plus this is Jericho Wilson and not Joseph Wilson so maybe his powers are different. Like how he made Lawman and his cronies believe Slade and Rose disappeared in Montana! So now Slade and his kids are going to hunt down Lawman and his NOVA buddies!

Mystasia is almost as dumb a name as Snakebite and Lawman. Also it might be racist.

Slade, Rose, and Jericho easily infiltrate Mystasia's hideout where they find her in her dress that has a belly button. I figure the belly button must be sewn into the dress because if the material is that clingy, it should show her nipples too. Maybe she doesn't have nipples? I wonder if clings so tight to her behind that you can see her butthole?

Surprisingly, Mystasia is Asian and she can turn into mist! No wait. I used surprisingly wrong.

The battle doesn't last long since Lawman again takes over Rose Wilson's mind. To break the connection, Jericho has to use his new totally made-up power that he's never had before ever! But he doesn't know what that power will do to Rose! So concentrate your attack on Lawman's brain, you dum-dum! Jericho doesn't do that and instead blows up Mystasia's headquarters with the power it takes to save Rose. But now she's going to die unless Slade lets Ra's al Ghul save her! I guess Ra's is the only one who knows the way to the hospital. But if Slade accepts Ra's's ride to the hospital, he'll be forever in Ra's al Ghul's debt! And that's exactly where he's been trying not to be! So I guess next issue will be Rose's funeral.

Deathstroke #17

In the art world, this stance is known as "I didn't plan my space correctly and began drawing the figure too low and too big so I had to make him kneeling and disappearing into the ground."

The Review or Whatever!
I could go all "'nuff said" on this review and simply point out that one of Deathstork's enemies last issue called him "Douchéstroke" and let people figure out if that's for them or not (I've learned how to type the "e" with an accent now so I can easily refer to Deathstroke as "Douchéstork"!). But I feel I'd be remiss in not pointing out all of the other shit that has gone horribly wrong in the telling of Douchéstork's Rebooted Reboot of his New 52 Reboot tale. Like for instance, Slade Wilson is now a young man for some reason. It doesn't matter how or why because it matters little to Slade. The only thing he needed to do was check his balls and they seemed fine, so that was the end of that. The only reason for his sudden youth, I suspect, was Tony S. Daniel must have believed it would attract the youth market who would suddenly be interested in shipping him with other characters. Although I'm not sure if the new creative team realizes that Slade was only recently turned into a young man.

This was supposedly five years ago. Perhaps Slade the Silver Fox was just really into Just For Men back then?

The guy Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kidding out of the panel with Slade is another one of this comic book's stunning errors. He's a man who has given himself the metahuman moniker of Lawman. Fucking "LAWMAN"! Seriously! Who thinks up this shit?! Not me! If I were to come up with this story, I would have called him Sheriff Guy!

Speaking of the term "guy", I learned today on Twitter from one of my heroes, Susie Dent, that the word "guy" as in Tumblr's "You guys! Pay attention to me" guys derives from Guy Fawkes. It's because his effigies were known as guys, like in "Bring me all of those guys to throw on the fire!" It then did some other stuff and now here we are! Or something. Shut up.

Dammit! I just realized I missed the perfect opportunity to say, "You guys! Actually, didactic stuff about how guys entered the vernacular said in a fairly condescending way!"

Douchéstork has been searching for his missing daughter Rose because he wants people to actually think he cares about her (he doesn't). In doing so, he's made enemies with some Street Fighter II character named Snakebite and found himself in Shitstain, Montana, about to die. He probably won't die because the guy masterminding this ambush is the idiot I mentioned earlier who wanted to be called Lawman. That doesn't even sound cool! I'd rather be called Turd Police.

Lawman is angry because he was killed on the battlefield and Slade left his corpse there. Their enemies brought him back to life and used him as a metahuman blood bank. That's why Lawman is so angry with Slade. Because Slade decided to save himself instead of dying trying to drag a corpse off of a raging battlefield. As reasons go, it's not the worst motivation for a villain. I can only say that because I've read stories by Ann Nocenti and Scott Lobdell.

I would like to think that if I ever died and my friend left my corpse so he could save his own life and my corpse was later brought back to life and horrible things were done to my reanimated body, I would be so ecstatic to be alive again that I wouldn't give a shit. Definitely the last thing I would be thinking would be, "Ew! That Doom Bunny is going to pay for thinking about himself and his wife and kids and not making my dead body his first and only priority! I'll teach him never to abandon a corpse again!"

Okay, so I've now established that Lawman doesn't just have a silly name, he's also an idiot with no facility for logic.

In the literary world, this is known as "I didn't plan this story at all and am now providing this explication to tie it all together even though it's a bunch of bullshit nonsense."

Lawman also works with some new covert organization named NOVA (which I'm sure will be a really clever acronym when it's finally revealed) which targets "metahuman criminals and those who use their powers for currency." Why couldn't that be the entire reason for hunting down Slade? Why all the "I was your friend and you left my corpse to be reanimated and tortured, you jerk!"? I think the whole NOVA thing works just fine without introducing all the stuff that makes Lawman appear silly (I mean the stuff besides his name. No fixing that. Except, you know, giving him a different name that isn't stupid).

Okay, now that everybody understands what's going on and how Lawman definitely is going to kill Slade because he also can't wait to be known as the man who killed Douchéstork, Lawman shoots Slade in the head and dances a jig. Oh no, wait. I got ahead of myself. That was my speculation as to how this scene would end in the most logical way. I forgot about the part where Lawman has no facility for logic.

Oh, that's right! Give him a fighting chance! Ruin your whole Harvestian plan that took forever to pull off just to throw it all in the toilet here at the end! Way to go, Flawman.

Red Hood has also been dragged off to Buttereddick, Montana, so he's able to save Douchéstork (whom he named, by the way. I mean, except for the stork part. He came up with the terrible "douché" part. What's with the fucking accent, Todd? Is that how Alfred used to pronounce douche?) in the nick of time! Whew! I thought for sure Douchéstork was going to save himself.

Lawman uses his mind powers (oh yeah. He has mind powers. Seems sort of useless for somebody without much of a mind) to convince Jason Todd that he sees Batman. Jason follows illusory Batman back to Gotham or something. I don't know. He just leaves the comic book at this point. Does it matter?

Douchéstork is once again about to be killed by Lawman but this time Rose Wilson saves his life. For some reason. I'm sure it has to do with Daddy Issues. That seems to be a running theme in DC Comics. That's why my blog's banner is the way it is. Not the Blogger one! The Tumblr one!

While Rose is being stabbed by Lawman, Slade gets up behind him with his sword and cuts off his head! No, wait. He puts the sword down and does this instead:

Daddy's an idiot.

And since Douchéstork is now unarmed, Lawman simply goes ahead and does this:

I guess Lawman just can't be beat!

Just before Lawman kills Slade and Rose, Jericho pulls some mental shenanigans which makes Lawman think Rose and Slade have disappeared. I didn't know he had that power. Slade and Rose limp over to him so that Slade can remind his children why they hate him when he calls his son Joseph "Jericho." And hanging out with Jericho is Ra's al Ghul because whatever. It might tie into some earlier part of this series but I can't remember. It might also just be the only thing the creative team could think to add for a big last page surprise. "Horrible story still tainted by Tony S. Daniel's awful writing ability finally over! And look who's now in it! Surprise!" I don't think the surprise was enough to make up for all of the other shit in this story.

Poor Deathstroke has been garbage for so long. At least it's been consistent, I guess.