The Adventures of Superman #499 (February 1993)

Was Superman known for his love of falconry?

I read a lot of stuff. Sometimes when I'm sitting on the toilet (which usually isn't long because I'm really efficient with my bowel movements, generally. But sometimes, you need some patience), I just grab some bottle or box out of the bathroom cabinet or pantry and read the label. Today, I grabbed a bottle called "Dr. Bronner's Siberian Fir & Spruce Sal Suds Biodegradable Cleaner". The Non-Certified Spouse is currently in another state and I can't ask her immediately where she bought it but if I had to guess, it was at Schizophrenics 'R' Us. What grabbed my attention was that every section of the label is filled with writing, some horizontal and some vertical, so you have to turn the bottle to read it. It looks exactly like when a schizophrenic puts there thoughts down on paper. Every empty space covered by the smallest font imaginable. And after reading the label, my instincts were confirmed. I hate to use the term "nuts" because we all have a variety of mental illness issues to varying degrees but I think "cuckoo" might be too insensitive. Of course, Dr. Bronner has made it work for him so no judgments from me! Plus I'm not schizophrenic but I have read Kurt Vonnegut's son Mark's book, The Eden Express, which details quite well how a trip on LSD mirrors schizophrenia and I have done loads of LSD so I'm probably nearly an expert to speak on being schizophrenic. That's how it works, right?

Anyway, here's the opening line (I think it's the opening line? It's at the top of the label and in bold font) of Dr. Bronner's rant or manifesto or thesis:

Absolute cleanliness is Godliness! Teach the Moral ABC that unites all mankind free, instantly 6 billion strong & we're All-One! "Listen Children Eternal Father Eternally One!"

Following that opening 16 "absolutes" that Dr. Bronner begins by stating they're "From Confucius' Absolutes". I have my doubts that Dr. Bronner got his "absolutes" from Confucius but since I've never read Confucius, I can't say for certain. It's just a hunch based on the contents of his absolutes. Let me quote #2 here:

2. It is an absolute full truth that everybody in God's tremendous universe must eat or there is no body! To shine on, eat must even the Sun, consuming every second on its surface meteoric matter 100,000 tons! Exceptions? Absolute none!

But the absolutes aren't the weirdest part! The cake gets taken by the lines placed vertically that explain the history of the company. It begins normal enough, I suppose.

From '29 to '44, soapmaker-master-chemist Bronner built 3 American soap plants, trained 9 chemists, licensed 6 of 53 patents for $60,000!

A little awkward, sure, but if written on a normal label and left at that, nobody would even pay it much attention. But then the second line is all, "Oh, you thought you bought soap from a person without schizophrenia? Oh how wrong you were, consumer!"

But after '44, after losing father-mother-wife, almost his own life, tortured-blinded, he deeded to African astronomer Israel's 6000 year great All-One-God-Faith all of his patents, plants, products, profits, 4 new industries: Planetemples & "Town Without Toothache" potassium-soda industry giving mankind a new Mineral-Seasoning, Barley Malt Sweetener, Corn-Sesame-Chips, Balanced Bouillon, Sal Suds & 'Dr. Bronner's Magic Soaps'.

I really wasn't planning on transcribing this whole label (and I won't! I just did one of the sixteen Absolutes! I'm just going to finish this biography) but I am absolutely fucking fascinated by this thing. How many people are buying this stuff and just not reading the incredibly tiny and off-putting type just plastered all over the label?! Anyway, here's the final bit of Dr. Bronner's secret history which he decided should end in a poem that, I guess, equates to Philip K. Dick's pink laser piercing his brain?

In '74, after father-mother-wife murdered, ourself tortured-blinded, we wrote this poem: To keep my health! To do my work! To love, to live! To see to it I gain & grow & give & give! Never to look behind me for an hour! Never to wait in weakness nor to brag in power! Always working, searching for more truth, more light! Always writing, teaching what I found good & right! Robbed-starved-beaten-blinded, wide astray! Back with the full-truth I've gained, back to the way. Smile, help teach the whole Human race, the Moral ABC of All-One-God-Faith, Lightning-like strong & we're All-One!

Fucking magnificent! Dr. Bronner, wherever you are, beaten, starved, blinded but not down, no way, I just want to say: I fucking love you, man! But also, speaking as a tourist in the schizophrenic brain space, maybe check in on some medication because while it all looks connected and True when the brains chemicals are zigging and zagging in ways they never were meant to be, it's all nonsense once your mind returns to regular chemical functions. Sure, I get it! Normal brain = boring brain. Regular brain chemistry = no magical mystical beautiful All-One connected world! But you're probably exhausted by the connections, dude. Although, really, I can't fault you and maybe I just want to bring you down because I can't always remain where you are, seeing what isn't but possibly could (or should!) be. Why should I think the non-LSD, zero-schizophrenia brain sees reality better than the Everything is Connected brain of the tripping or mentally ill? I can't! Plus, why would I want to ask Dr. Bronner to change his ways when he puts this at the bottom of the main label:

In all we do, let us be generous, fair & loving to Spaceship Earth and all its inhabitants. For we're ALL-ONE OR NONE! ALL-ONE!

And with Dr. Bronner's last thought, we're basically in the mind of Superman and back to the comic! See? It is all connected!

I love Tom Grummett's choice of perspective on this page.

Last issue ended with Westfield, the leader of Cadmus, and a crew robbing the grave of Superman. This issue begins with the revelation that Lex Luthor filled Superman's grave with heat detectors and infrared monitors but no cameras for some reason. The reason could be that it was 1993 and Lex didn't want to be known as the Margaret Thatcher of Metropolis by filling every space with CCTV cameras. But he also built in a backdoor tunnel leading to the crypt that he could use for, well, you know what a tunnel into a crypt that contains only a corpse would probably be used for. He has sent Supergirl to investigate.

Supergirl discovers Superman's coffin is missing and a hole has been drilled into his tomb. She follows the hole hoping to find Superman alive and well and maybe a vampire which is why he still needs the coffin?

Later, this guy takes a jab at this other guy while I think about Oreos and boobies.

I'm not really interested in stories about Superman's D-List characters so I'm really not paying too much attention to the Gangbuster stuff. I doubt his story will be significant anyway since Gangbuster doesn't become one of the leads in Reign of the Supermen. I don't think. I never did read that!

I'd say I don't recognize about 40% of the characters in this story. I was definitely one of the people DC was thinking about when they decided to kill Superman. "There's a bunch of stupid nerds out there not buying any of our multiple Superman titles! We've tried everything to attract them to his stories and yet nothing! What do they want from us? Blood?!" And it worked! For a little bit What they didn't plan on was how the non-Superman lovers were less like Audrey II. A few drops did appease us and then we stopped buying the comics and everything was back to status quo and DC didn't keep murdering more and more heroes to keep our attention. I mean, they broke Batman's back but who wasn't already reading Batman and all his alternate titles?! So much better than Superman!

Clark had a cat named Elroy?! Why didn't DC highlight this character instead of stupid non-feline Gangbuster?!

There's not much more to the story since Elroy only makes about three panels. Bibbo and Gangbuster fight some drug dealers. Turpin loses his pants in a fight with the Underworlders. Supergirl fails to find Superman's body. And that's about it. This issue's main goal was to make sure a bunch of different characters found out Superman's body had gone missing. And that's about it.

The Adventures of Superman #499 Rating: C-. This issue feels like the one editorial chose to not advance the story because they plotted the story out beforehand and only really needed seven issues to tell it. But they felt they needed to include every Superman title an equal amount of times which meant each of the four had to appear twice. It's also possible that they needed less than seven issues to tell the story and one of the next three will also tell nearly zero story. Of course, if I were a fan of Superman and all of the characters that appear in orbit around his main stories, this issue would have been fine because I enjoy character driven stories that don't necessarily drive the plot forward. I'm not one of those people who would watch an episode of Lost that didn't drive the mystery forward because it spent the entire episode with Hurley fixing up a VW van and finding a nice golfing spot. I remember people getting all worked up at The Walking Dead whenever they would tell a tangential story in the midst of some major conflict. As long as an episode or issue has something to say, either about the character or the world or the ongoing mystery or whatever, I'm usually pretty happy about it. But since I don't give a fuck about Turpin or Gangbuster or Bibbo (sometimes I might act like I care about Bibbo but, deep down, he could have his skull crushed by Mercy Graves' thighs and I wouldn't give a shit. My penis would (because of Mercy's thighs and not because of Bibbo's exploding head!) but my brain would be all, "Good. Who cares? What's going on with Elroy?") but I'll forget anything they did in this issue in about five to ten minutes.

The Adventures of Superman #498 (January 1993)

How many days did they just leave Superman's body lying in the street?

Either The Daily Planet printed off an extra edition sensationalizing the Doomsday attack while the attack was still going on or Superman's body, possibly too heavy to move, has been left for at least a day on the streets of Metropolis like a piece of garbage. Perhaps the edition of this paper was explained in the previous issue of the story, Superman #75, where Superman died. But I have no idea which short box my Death of Superman comic book has been stored so I'll have to read it later when I stumble upon it. By then, I'll have totally forgotten about this shot of Superman lying amid papers which had to have either been published after he died or while he was still currently battling Doomsday which, you know, seems pretty insensitive. As if the New York Times printed an edition of their paper before the second plane had hit the second tower.

This issue begins with Jimmy Olsen missing out on several Pulitzers.

Get out your camera, dumb-dumb!

Jimmy Olsen might think it's disrespectful to snap shots of Lois cradling a dead Superman in her arms but he'll think differently after Perry White calls him every rude name in the American, British and possibly Spanish Dictionary for missing this shot. Although it's possible he already snapped it in Superman #75! How can I know since Past Me can't figure out how to organize his old comic books?

This seems to be the immediate aftermath of Superman's battle with Doomsday so I'm not sure why the editor is telling readers to read Justice League #70 first when that one takes place some time later when Ice is out of the hospital (again!) and somebody has already created black armbands to show they're mourning. Perhaps Batman already had boxes of Superman's Dead Armbands lying around the batcave. He probably has boxes for every hero, especially Aquaman.

Lois and Jimmy can't actually tell if Superman's dead or alive because you probably can't feel his heartbeat through his invulnerable skin. Besides, his resting heartrate is probably a fraction of a beat per minute. And does he even need to really breathe? How often do you think Lois wakes up at night and pokes him with a bit of Kryptonite just to make sure he's still alive? Oh shit! Could you imagine Superman with sleep apnea? I bet his snoring would vibrate Lois's skull until it was soup.

Bloodwynd (who can read minds because he's J'onn even though nobody knows that yet) and Dubbilex assure everybody that they can find no signs of brain activity which indicates he's either dead or Guy Gardner. And since he hasn't honked Lois's tits yet as she cradles him, he's not Guy. The Metropolis Special Crimes Unit aren't sure if Doomsday is dead either so they go about their special military safety protocols to determine if he's still alive.

Their protocols are the same as any six year old with a stick.

Dubbilex decides to read Doomsday's mind and decides Doomsday must be dead because he's not angry anymore. Lois, on the other hand, refuses to believe that Superman is dead because what do any of these idiots know about Kryptonian biology? He might just be in a really deep coma as his body recovers from the near-mortal injuries and will come back to life in just a few months! Jimmy tries to point out that she's being hysterical and we're almost saddled with a Death of Jimmy Olsen issue.

Also Lois was right from the very first minute but all the "extremely rational and logical" men were all, "Stop being so emotional! He's dead, Lois!" Fucking men.

Speaking of men fucking, The Guardian decides this is his chance to go for it.

Gross.

I don't think that's gross because Superman is dead. It's gross because Superman's a guy. No wait. Strike that. Reverse it. It is because Superman's dead. Whew! I saved my reputation by the skin of my teeth!

Just for transparency's sake, Cat Grant also tries to tell Lois Superman's dead and Cat isn't a man. Although she is Lois's biggest career rival and jealous of Lois getting to stroke that fat Superman dick. Cat suggests maybe STAR Labs can help Superman but Lois, not listening to Cat Grant as usual, screams that somebody should do something to help Superman. So maybe STAR Labs could have helped but Cat's suggestion was ignored.

The EMTs arrive, shove The Guardian off of Superman, and get to work working on a body that they don't understand at all. But hey, what is it to be human if not blundering into a situation believing you know what you're doing?

"Hey, I don't feel a pulse on this alien's incredibly hard and rigid neck! And The Guardian couldn't feel him breathe while he was kissing him! Maybe zap him with the shock paddles in the place we'd normally shock a human whose heart was fibrillating!"

This defibrillator probably messed up Kal-el's healing process which is why we wound up with Red and Blue Superman. I mean, unless there's a different explanation later. How should I know?! This is the only run of Superman I've ever read and I stopped after Funeral for a Friend!

During the chaos of the aftermath of Doomsday's attack, Lex Luthor finds his way to the streets to collect the disgusting alien creature he calls Supergirl. He cradles the gray mass of ungenitaled flesh gently, picks the thing up in his bulging Australian arms, and takes whatever it is back to Lex Tower to, I don't know, fuck it? What is Supergirl anyway?! Did Lex create her? Is she his alien waifu?

Meanwhile, the EMTs continue to be stupid.

Did these guys do their training at the Victor Frankenstein School of Medicine?

Jimmy Olsen realizes Superman needs a doctor that's actually examined him in the past when he was healthy. But Lois is all, "Superman was a man so he never went to a doctor! Although he was examined once by Kitty Faulkner at STAR Labs. Hopefully for medical reasons, that slut!" Meanwhile, Cat Grant is all, "Where's that fucking stupid klutz, Clark? Shouldn't he be here doing his job?" And Jimmy is all, "Yeah! Stupid Clark! Where is that jerk? Can't even do his job correctly! Total failure!" And Lois is all, "**SOBS HYSTERICALLY**"

Meanwhile, Ma and Pa Kent, apparently unable to watch the battle on television, distracted themselves by completely changing their outfits and redecorating their television room.

Maybe Ma didn't fight off Pa's advances like I thought she had and they got naked, fucked, broke the couch, put on a change of clothes, and retired to their alternate television room?


This is what they were up to during the huge televised battle between their son and Doomsday.

Cadmus makes off with Doomsday's body but Dan Turpin, Maggie Sawyer, and The Guardian refuse to let them take Superman. There's a bit of interdisciplinary violence before Cadmus backs off and leaves Superman with the "good" guys. The "good" guys, understanding nothing about how a defibrillator works other than what they've seen in the movie Flatliners concoct a massively powerful set of paddles to shock Superman back to life. It doesn't work although maybe it does work but they don't know it? I have a feeling this moment probably helped so that Bibbo and The Guardian and these other nobodies can be seen as heroes later.

Later at the Daily Planet, everybody is all, "Don't worry, Lois! Clark may be among the missing now but he'll show up like always!" And then Lois sobs even more and Jimmy walks her home.

The Adventures of Superman #498 Rating: B. By the end of this issue, Superman's body is still lying in the street while Perry White and the rest of the Daily Planet are busy putting a paper together so maybe a newspaper can get a paper out quicker than anybody can move Superman's body? Doomsday's body has been hauled off for scrap already though. Probably a good thing Cadmus didn't get Superman as well because then he'd come back to life with all of his organs outside his body and a nasty scar straight up his chest and abdomen. Somebody really should have hauled Doomsday's body into the sun although I don't know who could have done it now that Superman's dead. I guess Guy Gardner. Or Doctor Fate could maybe have teleported him there. I suppose the editor wanted readers to read Justice League #70 first because it's a good tribute to Superman just after he died even if it's not in the correct chronological order for the plot. Or DC just wanted to make sure everybody bought more comic books. As if killing off Superman wasn't causing DC to sell maximum comic books at this point anyway. If only The Death of Superman issue had been drawn by Rob Liefeld! Can you imagine how many copies that would have sold in the '90s?! So many! Also imagine how many pouches Doomsday would have had on his costume! So many!

The Adventures of Superman #497 (December 1992)

Somebody suggested Supes could defeat Doomsday by using his head and Superman was all, "I'm stupid!"

Am I missing something? Does Superman have some sort of Super-back-of-the-head explosion power? Is this a reference to one issue from 1962 by Gardner Fox where Superman discovers this weird-ass super power by leaning back in Perry's chair with the headrest at the Daily Planet and bringing the entire building down with his Super Reverse Head Butt Explosion? Or — and I suspect this is more to the point because even if Superman has Super-ventriloquism, there's no way he has a Super Reverse Head Butt Explosion — was Superman simply all out of ideas so he decided his best chance at stopping Doomsday would be ramming his entire body into a creature that's tough enough to hit him harder than he's every been hit before with the weakest point on Superman's entire body, his neck? After this moment, Superman should have finished the fight with his head lolling back and forth across his shoulders, chest, and back.

Or maybe Superman's X-ray vision told him that Doomsday's biggest weakness was his tum-tum?

The previous part of this story ended with Superman chasing after Doomsday and leaving a family of three to burn to death. On purpose. He could have saved them and then chased after Doomsday but he remembered hearing Booster Gold say, "Doomsday is faster than The Flash!", and Superman panicked. Plus he's probably hung around Batman so much during JLA meetings that he's bought into the argument that it's not his fault if somebody he could have saved dies. "If a manslaughter conviction wouldn't hold up in court, I'm not morally culpable," Batman would say defensively before anybody else said anything at all after Batman had just broken the femurs of eighteen henchmen, leaving them to bleed out in a filthy alley. Henchmen who only took the job with The Riddler to feed their starving children in an economy ruined by Wayne Enterprises.

Dude's got so many different super powers, he forgot about his super breath.

It's hard to blame Superman for his incompetence because it's so much easier to blame the writers for their incompetence. Every reader knows that Superman could have easily saved this family without slowing him down in his pursuit of Doomsday. The real fault lies in the story being broken up just at the point where the boy's family were about to burn because any team of writers and editors could never resist making that a major cliffhanger between issues. "What if Superman has to choose between saving the boy's family and pursuing Doomsday?" some editor said while calculating how much money they were all going to make by killing off Superman. "But Superman could easily blow out the fire with his super breath just as he sped off after Doomsday," suggested a writer who doesn't like money and was told to shut the fuck up with his stupid suggestions that would lead to no extra drama and conflict.

Superman realizes that the key to saving this kid's family and stopping Doomsday somehow comes down to the fact that Doomsday leaps but doesn't fly. "A-ha! I've got it," thinks Superman as I begin to spiral into a tornado of thoughts trying to rationalize Superman's power of flight against the laws of physics. "Doomsday has to obey all natural laws," thinks Superman, "whereas I basically have magic powers!" Somehow that's the answer to all of Superman's current problems. I'll figure out what he means when I get back to reading the comic book but I'm sure the answer will somehow be that Superman throw Doomsday to the ground and while Doomsday is beginning to leap again, Superman will have time to fly back, help the family, and then continue to pursue Doomsday. A solution much more stupid than just having saved the family before flying after Doomsday. Which I acknowledge is a dumb solution if your main intent is to create drama which — let's face Superman facts — is hard to due when you're writing a character that's all-powerful and invulnerable and basically God.

Superman shoves Doomsday into the silt at the bottom of a lake which should stall Doomsday long enough for Superman to get back to the family. Just in time to see Bloodwynd save them but to take the credit himself.

Remember, Bloodwynd is actually Martian Manhunter so he just about died saving this family from a fire that Superman could have put out with a Super Fart as he flew off to chase Doomsday.

I shouldn't be so hard on Superman. Just because he can Super Fart, it doesn't mean he can do it on command! Not many people can!

People who also could have saved Mitch's family by the time Superman got back: the Emergency Medical Team and firefighters who have already arrived by the time Superman came back. Ice who has been fawning over the nearly dead Guy Gardner and who, get this, has frozen water powers which, I'm thinking, could have been used against fire. But it's better that Superman come back to save the mother and her child because it's his comic book. That means it's his responsibility.

Meanwhile, Doomsday has defeated the mud at the bottom of the lake and destroyed a military helicopter in the time it took Superman to get back to him. But Superman has learned a valuable lesson from the nearly burnt-to-death family: save the innocent bystanders while Doomsday's on the downward trajectory of his gravity rainbow.

Mr. Destructo. Man, why didn't Superman get to name Doomsday?! Why did everybody go with Booster's nickname?!

So this is why Superman hasn't been thinking clearly and nearly got a family killed! He's been trying to come up with his own name for Doomsday that will stick! Half of his brain power is being used to think up a name for this monster because he's upset that Booster came up with a cool name for this guy immediately. Clark Kent knows it's too soon for Doomsday to stick. If he can get ahead of this and get the name "Mr. Destructo" into a quick Daily Planet article, he'll have scooped Booster Gold and probably get a thumbs up from Batman! All he has to do is get to a computer and type up an article during Mr. Destructo's next leap!

Superman forgets about Mr. Destructo being at his mercy where inertia is involved so he doesn't grab Mr. Destructo and drag him into outer space. Or maybe Superman's simply scared to grapple with this monster because the monster is so strong? Whatever the reason, Superman decides to brawl with him at ground level and destroy half the town of Kirby. Most of the brawl involves Superman having to save all the people nearly killed as a result of the brawl. Luckily, Maxima returns from having ambulanced Blue Beetle to a nearby hospital.

Meanwhile in Metropolis:

What the fuck?

I wasn't paying enough attention to understand how it happened but it looks like Lois caught wind of Booster calling the creature Doomsday. Booster named him that in Justice League #69 (hee hee) but I already packed it away and don't feel like dragging it out just to see how Booster's name caught on so fast. But if Lois is already referring to the monster as Doomsday, Clark Kent doesn't have a hope in hell of getting his Mr. Destructo moniker going. Also, somehow, Steve Lombard calls it Doomsday in a breaking news event that happens just as Lois and Turtle Boy are heading out on their assignment to cover Superman's death.

Back to the battle between Maxima, Superman, and Mr. Destructo, we learn that battle causes Maxima to gush like a smashed gas pump.

Now I'm as hard as a street light set to throbbing by a Maxima-shaped cock ring.

Man, I wish I had an image to show this over-the-top sexual metaphor that's going to lead to an enormous climax! You know what? I do!

Oh man. I'm about to explode!

Superman, Maxima, and Mr. Destructo also explode. But Mr. Destructo doesn't need any recovery time and he stomps off toward Metropolis and Supes and Maxima take a little post-coital nappy. The Guardian pulls up on his moped some time later to ask Superman, "Was all of this destruction necessary?" And Superman is all, "The guy's name is Mr. Destructo! What did you expect?!" It's at that moment that The Guardian has to give Superman the bad news: the media is already calling the creature Doomsday. He was too late! But at least Superman learned how to defeat the creature that couldn't be defeated by Superman with the help of dozens of other heroes!

Oh, okay. It was all the other heroes getting in the way. That seems like an, um, reasonable conclusion.

The Adventures of Superman #497 Rating: B. Superman learns a valuable lesson in this issue: you cannot count on your friends. Unless the lesson he actually learned because he's not as cynical as me was that he needed to protect his friends and since we've seen Mr. Destructo has the ability to kick the shit out of all of them, he realizes he can't ask anybody else to risk their lives against this creature. It's weird because the lesson heroes usually learn is that they're better together. But sometimes you have to learn that your friends are full of weak sauce and if you're going to die saving the world, it's better that you don't drag them all along with you because then DC wouldn't have any comic book issues on the shelves after they all die. Except maybe the new Turtle Boy.

The New Titans #61 (December 1989)

Jericho is about to jerk off Speedy in the lower right hand corner.

A Lonely Place of Dying hasn't been as terrible a series as I expected. I figured the title itself would be my favorite part. It kind of makes me sad because it makes me think of a wounded cat going off to find somewhere peaceful to die. So I'm already emotionally invested because the saddest thing I can think of is a cat dying. The second saddest thing I can think of is an old man weeping about how he should have shot his own dog. Especially when that lesson is extrapolated to your best friend. That's pretty sad too, that George would just give up and shoot Lennie in the head before the murder squad chasing them does it. I wish Quentin Tarantino would remake Of Mice and Men so that it could end in a bloody shoot-out where George and Lenny blow the shit out of all the redneck farmers. He'd probably have to make a few other changes to make it palatable, like have Lennie framed for killing Curley's wife and maybe have her kill all of the puppies with the boot of her high heel. That way there's no arguable reason to put Lennie down! Of course then the ending has to be the failure of George and Lennie's rabbit farm. The final shot would be of the farm with an out of business sign and a pile of mangled rabbits.

Tim continues to try to get Dick into a Robin costume but Dick just yells at him and tells him to fuck off in the most Comics Code Authority way possible. He then rides off to find Batman.

I wish Judd Winick had believed this.

The entire story doesn't simply revolve around Batman's reaction to the death of Jason Todd and some punk kid presuming to think he can fix Batman because this chapter is in The New Titans. So the Titans get a few pages where they deal with a crank phone call.

Also Jericho comes on to Speedy. And judging by the cover, it works.

After not being able to find Nightwing last issue because the only thing they tried was paging him, Raven tracks him down instantly when Jericho needs to get rid of her to have some privacy with Speedy. She tracks him down using her powers of, um, feelings? and teleports directly to him. She has a recording of the message the crank phone caller left that can only be played on Dick's wrist computer (which I guess didn't have email in 1989? Not even Eudora or Lotus Notes? What good is Waynetech if they can't even make that shit portable?!).

Meanwhile, Speedy spurts all over Jericho's face. Don't worry, it's off-panel. But I pictured it in my head!

Nightwing figures out all the clues left him by Batman's crank phone call and meets up with Batman. No wonder Dick feels like Batman doesn't give a shit about him. What kind of a way is that to contact your son?! You can't just page him like everybody else? Oh! Nightwing's pager was presumably off. That's why the Titans trying to contact Nightwing was important! But Batman knew an alternate way of contacting Dick that wasn't too sappy or seemed too desperate or would end in some kind of intimate hug. Although the two do smile at each other when they meet up so I think that means they've reconciled?!

Batman crashes into the building to capture Two-Face (or fall into two traps) while Nightwing goes around back to block off Two-Face's retreat. I bet if Two-Face knew that Robin had recently died, he wouldn't be poking at the Batman like this. When Batman finally catches him, Two-Face will be glad that Nightwing was brought in so he can save Two-Face's life.

Nightwing turns on his homing beacon to let Alfred know they need help when he and Batman can't figure out Two-Face's plan. He's more responsible than I am. I'd never ask for help because I know Batman would yell at me afterward. I'd rather be dead in the collapsed building like Batman and Nightwing than have to face Batman's wrath. Oh yeah, Two-Face collapses the building on them! They're dead!

I mean, obviously they're not dead. But they need to be saved! And I'm sure Alfred will dress up like Batman to save them and not send an inexperienced young Master Drake in a Robin outfit instead. Right?!

The New Titans #61 Rating: B. Seriously, I don't know what's going on but Marv Wolfman's telling a pretty good story here. Although I wish it had a little more angst-ridden Batman rending his garments over poor dead Jason Todd. I know he's not prone to showing emotion but he can cry at least once, right?! I guess when he tells Dick, "I nee...I could use your help," that was him saying, "I'm so fucking lost right now, Dick. What the hell do I do now?! I can't even protect my sons!"

The New Titans #60

First time in my comic book reading history that I noticed how much Nightwing's symbol looks like the torso of a woman in a skimpy top.

It's difficult beginning a new New Titans comic book when I'd let myself believe I was finished reading them all. It's especially difficult to keep reading this comic book when the first page includes this warning:

You don't have to tell me twice!

Apparently my brain disagreed with its first assessment that the comic book didn't need to tell me twice because it reread the warning and idiotically read it correctly this time.

Dammit! Why did I already read Batman #440?! Now I'm practically locked into reading this!

Looking on the bright side for the second time in my life (the first time was when I realized that when I die, it'll most likely be in some horrible accident in which I won't have time to register that my life is ending and therefore I'll never actually know I've died, easing swiftly into the loving embrace of non-existence!), I thought, "Well, Batman #440 was written by Wolfman and it was a decent read. How terrible can this comic book be?!" But that pleasant thought was completely undone when the first panel reminded me of something I had yet to consider:

Fuck. Cyborg was still alive at this time. I'm fucking bored already!

Well, looking on the bright side that loves seeing a character yell "Booyah!" constantly, this comic book should be a real treat!

I do feel a little bit of white guilt creeping in around the corners when I voice my indifference of the most boring character in the DC Universe because he's Black. Especially with Donald Trump's recent explicitly racist tweets and the GOP's rush to hide behind other members of the GOP in the hopes that they won't have to shrug apathetically on camera when asked about the tweets. But it's not my fault that DC Comics chose to make their most boring character an Black American man! Would it help if I said some of my favorite DC characters were Black?

Nope. Just heard how that sounds. Not better!

Paragraph breaks don't do as much heavy lifting as I need them to. Sometimes after I've written some commentary, I'll wander off to another part of the Internet to take in some sights. Then when I come back, I sometimes want to discuss what I've just experienced. But going from one paragraph to another, readers just think they're reading it in real time as I wrote it. What I need are paragraph breaks that represent the amount of time I was away (but not what I was doing while I was away or they'd all be variations on "Gone five minutes. Jerked off to Sailor Moon porn where Rei surprises Usagi in the shower and teaches her how to masturbate" or "Gone ten minutes. Watched an erotic massage video and spent most of the time fiddling with the sound so the downstairs neighbors couldn't hear it. Turns out 3 out of 100 is still too loud for some women's orgasms" or "Gone three days. Couldn't take reading another Wolfman New Titans comic book and wound up just playing thirty games of Apex"). Between the last paragraph and this one, I went on Twitter where Andy Richter posted Fats Domino's version of The Beatles' "Lady Madonna." My only response after hearing it was, "Holy fuck." Seriously, I never want to hear The Beatles' shit version ever again!

I also just noticed in the above panel, Cyborg accidentally stuck his penis plug-in to the side of his face! Whoops!

Back in 1989, Cyborg wasn't capable of contacting anybody in the DC Universe immediately. So he's having trouble finding Dick Grayson. He tried his pager and...well, that's about it! It was 1989! If somebody wasn't sitting by their phone, you didn't have many other options when trying to contact them! This is probably one of the moments where much later DC editors looked back at Cyborg and realized he needed to be more powerful. I'm not arguing that he definitely needed to be more than a white noise gun that said "Booyah!" but they could have realized he needed to be interesting as well. Hell, it's not long after this issue that Marv Wolfman completely gives up on him and smashes him into bits.

Having no other options but to risk exposing Batman's secret identity by putting calls to Wayne Manor on the Titans phone records, Cyborg gives Bruce a call. I'd understand interrupting Batman's hectic life if the world were on fire but the big emergency right now is that some weird kid looking for Dick visited Kory while she was practically naked (no wait. She had a towel on after showering so her body was more covered than usual). Batman is busy dealing with Two-Face even though it's the middle of the day. I think maybe Alfred lied to Cyborg. I bet Batman's taking a shit.

Dick has gone back to Haly's Circus to find himself.

I bet these two clowns are actually old white land developers responsible for the circus failing! Their next trick will be to dress up like ghosts and zombies to scare everyone away!

A third clown named Harry comes out of a tent and passes out in Dick's arms. Can you imagine blacking out as a clown? You'd probably wake up in an unknown tent with no make-up covered in lion spit and shame.

Dick meets with Haly and is all, "I read about the circus closing down and I couldn't figure out why. But now that I'm here, I totally get it!" And Haly is all, "Fuck you, Dick! You try running a circus in 2019! I mean 1989! Oh, yeah, I guess I should probably still have been able to trick idiots into thinking freak sideshows and abusing animals was still cool."

Haly actually blames the failing of his circus on too much TV and too many video games. Obviously Super Mario, Tecmo Bowl, and Duck Hunt (hee hee! You thought, "Cunt!") were way more fun and interesting than sitting in a smelly tent being terrorized by people in greasy face paint but Haly really should take a little responsibility for his own business failings. Dick arrives and in ten minutes, he's already washed an elephant and kept a drunk clown from breaking his neck. Maybe get off your ass, Harry Haly, and fix up your shit.

Haly also mentions that there's been a rash of accidents that have kept the selling price of the circus down. I bet it was those fucking clowns!

He's talking about his penis so yes, Dick, he has to ask.

While at Haly's Circus, Dick Grayson witnesses the origin of Clown Batman!

Later, after Bozo Wayne grew to an adult and was wondering what direction to take, a clown crashed through his window.

Tensions are running high at the Haly Circus as some performers want the circus to be sold so they can move on and others just want things to remain unchanged.

Finally, a clown that makes me laugh!

During the show later, Wilhelm the lion tamer gets his throat ripped out before Dick can save him. Dick was disguised as a clown so Wilhelm probably bled out as Dick was struggling to take off the stupid shoes. Tim Drake is in the audience watching because he's smarter than the entire Titans team put together.

Later, Tim and Dick team up to find out who's been sabotaging Haly's Circus. It turns out it was the little person and the strong man. So typical! It's totally who I thought it was and not those two clowns from earlier. That was just a red herring I was throwing out to confuse you.

The team-up doesn't make me like Tim Drake any better. But then Tim makes an admission that warms my heart and I can't help but love the kid.

Wolfman knew what he was doing.

At the end of the day, Dick Grayson buys half of Haly's Circus to help keep it afloat (with Bruce's money). Then Tim shows him the pictures of Batman battling Ravager that he took in Batman #440. He pleads with Dick to go back to help Batman cope with the death of Jason Todd. "Batman needs Robin!" he argues like a nerd doing his thesis on Batman's inexplicable need to endanger minors. Dick takes the kid seriously because who else has ever figured out that Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson are Batman and Robin?! Only the smartest man on Earth and he won't do that for another twenty-five years!

The New Titans #60 Rating: B+. Apparently it's the Titans that make the Titans comic book suck. Concentrating on Dick Grayson and his relationship with Batman and the circus (and even this new upstart kid that loves Dick) causes Marv Wolfman to be at his best! My guess is that it's the lack of Cyborg that really makes the book shine.

New Titans #97

"Darkening" is a stupid word and its use here makes me think this is a parody comic book.

I think I just hit on why this run of the Titans was so terrible! It was an inadvertent parody comic book. In DC's effort to create their own X-men franchise, they attempted to paste together all the things they thought made the franchise so popular. What they got was a Frankenstein's monster of ideas and poorly written characters. I can't say that the X-men was any better at the time since I didn't read it. But it didn't translate very well to DC's piss poor clone.

If people wonder why I've been conditioned to think Cyborg is boring, Beast Boy is a sexual predator, Nightwing is a whiny asshole, and Starfire is a raging rageaholic, look no further than this series! I read over one hundred issues of this shit for some reason. I think it's because my brain wasn't fully formed! I began reading this comic book at about thirteen. By the time this issue comes out, I'd be twenty-one. I guess my brain was formed enough at this point that I probably should have realized it was terrible. But to be fair to my brain, it was now being inundated with alcohol and LSD. So it was having trouble communicating to me how terrible Marv Wolfman's writing was.

The issue begins with Garfield stealing his father's Mento helmet for The Brotherhood of Evil. They've promised to restore Cyborg in exchange. More like they're probably going to put The Brain inside Cyborg's body! Think these things through, Garfield!

Next, Kory gets angry at Dick because he was raped by Mirage.

Kory is gross.

You might think I'm coloring the past by today's standards but I read this nearly 25 years ago when it was new and it was just as terrible back then. You can't be angry at a guy for liking the rape sex! I don't think. Can you? Now I'm confused. I suppose Kory is masking her victim blaming by taking the whole "you don't love me enough to recognize my vagina" tack which still seems cruel. I'm pretty sure if I was blindfolded and you stuck a bunch of vaginas on my penis, I don't think I'd be able to tell which one was the Non-Certified Spouse's vagina. We should probably test my theory! I wonder if the Non-Certified Spouse would be up for some science this weekend?

Kory decides to break up with Dick while telling him that he deserves to be with his rapist. Stay classy, Starfire!

"If I had a girlfriend like that, I'd totally avoid being raped!"

In all seriousness though (because rape is a serious subject), a guy being fucked by a woman without his consent isn't always the worst thing in the world. Sometimes it's just as bad which is why I'm not supposed to say things like that previous sentence. But sometimes? It's just more sex with women that a guy wasn't expecting! That's nearly always a good thing! I'm speaking from personal experience so you can't attack me for that opinion! Unless I'm just suppressing my pain and anger at waking up to that woman fucking me that one time. No, no. I don't think I am. I'm not suggesting women should use that move though! At least not for a first time. I actually am suggesting that move for people who are already in an intimate relationship because it's pretty hot.

Aw geez. Now Dick's blaming himself! Good fucking job, Kory!

Marv Wolfman has no idea how to deal with rape sensitively! I should know. Have you been reading the way I've been dealing with it?!

So this is how darkening happens! You make deals with criminals to save your best boring friend's life. You get super angry that your boyfriend was fooled into fucking another woman. You get blamed for enjoying the rape sex by your girlfriend! And probably some other things although I don't know if there are really any Titans left after that Titans Hunt story arc. I guess Pantha and Baby Wildebeest?

However much sympathy I had for Dick as his days were beginning to darken, it all went out the window after he calls Alfred to help solve his problems.

"When you talk to her, her head echoes"? Fuck you, Dick! I stand with Kory!

On the next page, Raven decides it's time to take care of Councilwoman Alderman once and for all. So she rapes her. Look, Marv Wolfman wrote this comic book and he called it "The Darkening." Did you expect less rape?

This is how Kory wanted Dick to react, I guess.

Nightwing meets with Speedy (now going by Super Special Secret Sauce Agent Roy Harper of Checkmate) to discuss how the government hates the Titans. I don't blame them. They're almost to issue #100 and I think they've maybe acted heroically about four times? Every other time they're called into action it's simply to defend themselves. The city would be attacked less if they simply moved to the country.

There's a scene in Azarath where the person I thought was Raven stomps on Raven's bones and destroy's Phantasm's mask. So unless it's Evil Raven trying to separate herself from her humanity, I suppose I was wrong about accusing Raven of raping the Councilwoman. I don't remember who this is. I hope they don't spend twenty issues revealing who it is. They already did that bullshit in the Wildebeest story.

Finally, Plasmus reveals the plans of The Brotherhood of Evil. They will use the Mento helmet to revive The Brain and take over the world!

When did Mallah go punk? Or is that New Wave?

New Titans #97 Rating: Zero stars out of one star. You might think that's a better score than zero stars out of a million stars but you'd be wrong. Zero is a funny thing, you know? Nothing in this issue interested me which means it's a mystery as to why I purchased issue #98. I guess because I couldn't not find out how The Darkening ended?! It's so mysterious!

Who thinks anything in comic books is an accurate representation of anything in real life? Paul N. Hicks, I'm shaking my damn head at you from twenty five years in the future.

Titans $ell-out! #1 (1992)

I really should have asked because this comic book is terrible.

This issue marks the passing of the baton from editor Jon “I Love To Add Fake Middle Names To My Name To Make Me Seem Cool and This One Will Be ‘The Titans Need to Be More Like the X-Men!’” Peterson to Rob Simpson. This is the actual baton passing and not the first comic book of Rob Simpson since they’re both listed as editors. Maybe Rob was assistant editor all along. How should I know? It’s not like I have the curiosity or passion to take the previous issue out of the mylar and check! And since both are credited, I don’t know who to blame for encouraging Marv Wolfman to go in this Teeny Titans direction. Who wants to read a cartoon drawn by the letterer?!

The Titans have decided that since they’re constantly being sued and their property is constantly blowing up (usually from crashing into buildings in New York which is why they keep getting sued), they need some kind of revenue stream that doesn’t rely on Batman’s mysteriously deep pockets. No wait. I think they all know Batman is Bruce Wayne, right? He wasn’t that paranoid about his identity back then, right? Anyway, they all knew Nightwing was Dick Grayson and I’m pretty sure they’re all geniuses (except for Beast Boy (er, Changeling)), it wouldn’t be hard to figure out that Batman is Bruce Wayne. So to make money, they sign a bunch of contracts so toy companies and cartoon producers and comic book companies can use their names and images. I don’t know why anybody pays the Team Titans for anything. Nobody knows who they are!

Anyway, the Titans soon realize that they’ve given the green light to use their names and images on truly shoddy merchandise and possibly the most terrible cartoon I’ve ever seen/read. It’s calle Teeny Titans and I suspect they were trying to tie it to the popularity of Tiny Toon Adventures. Except the cartoon’s premise is more like Muppet Babies and the writing is horrible. I wonder if Marv and Jon and Rob and John ever even watched an episode of Tiny Toons?

Apparently this goofy ass shit that I’m fairly certain is supposed to be funny continues in the next issue of Deathstroke the Terminator where he is dead. So, um, ha ha?

New Titans #93 (December 1992)

I’m not sure why this is the final issue of “Titans $ell-out” because nothing is really resolved. The Titans are getting royalty checks and fan mail and have just moved on with their lives. Leonid is about to take Cyborg back to Russia to finally get him that exciting personality he’s been missing for so long (spoiler alert: he has yet to find one) but that’s about all that happens, plotwise. The main point of this issue is the Starfire centerfold inserted into it for all the young males and lesbians to jerk off to. But it was really Mirage, so don’t think Starfire has become a total cumdumpster just yet! That doesn’t happen until The New 52's Red Hood and the Outlaws #1. Not that being a cumdumpster is a bad thing! I’m not judging! How can I judge when I’m a filler of cumdumpsters? One could do worse than be a filler of cumdumpsters! That’s Frost again!

Judging by the amount of boners Changeling pops in this issue, Mirage as Starfire poses for some pretty nasty pictures in this magazine. I should probably post the centerfold, right? For, you know, feminist research purposes!

Why doesn't she have super long pubes?

Also in this issue: another terrible Teeny Titans cartoon.

I feel like this is the first issue Jon Peterson was definitely sacked from and Marv Wolfman was allowed to take control again. Mostly because we’re headed back into Marv Wolfman territory. He’s planning on reestablishing Cyborg as a character instead of a leashed, non-threatening, defanged . . . um, I don’t like where this is going. Plus Phantasm winds up back in Azaroth where he’s destroyed by some creature with whom he’s familiar. So whoever that is, it’s definitely going to be a character Marv Wolfman thought was taken away from him by editorial and he wants that character back. So it’s probably Joseph but I suppose it could be the person the comic book wants you to think it is: Trigon! Or maybe Raven housing Trigon’s soul and sucking on Joseph Wilson’s, um, sideburns?

Maybe this whole batch of “sell-out” themed issues was just Marv Wolfman’s reaction to Jon Peterson’s attempt to simply turn DC’s Teen Titans into an clone of the X-men? So he concocted this whole Sell-out thing as a fuck you to Peterson on his way out. “Thanks for fucking up my comic book, asshole! Now I’m going to make Changeling call a couple of women ‘sloppy seconds’! Try and stop me now, asshole!”

I embrace my vulgar, low brow humor and even I wouldn't call a woman "sloppy seconds." Cumdumpster, sure! But sloppy seconds? So uncouth!

New Titans #92 (November 1992)

“My Mother–My Enemy!” Is this about me?!

Marv Wolfman improves his time travel story immensely by pointing out that Lord Chaos is from an alternate future timeline. He doesn’t explain it in any great detail which is probably for the best because he stumbled onto one of the main ways that time travel would work if it existed. We can assume that the Lord Chaos timeline is the main Titans Universe timeline. And when I say “main,” I really mean “only.” There aren’t automatically infinite universes just because we like to really, really, really fucking believe in free will. There’s just the one. But! Here’s the time travel part. If time travel exists in that one timeline, a person can go forward in time and remain on that timeline. It doesn’t change anything except that the person disappears and later reappears down the timeline in the future. But if the person travels to the past, they create a forking timeline. This new timeline is exactly the same in every way with the original timeline right up until the moment that the time traveller appeared in it. At that point, the line skews off to the side and develops its own branch. The original timeline is completely unchanged but now minus the time traveller who basically leapt off and erased himself from that reality. That’s the version of time travel happening here. I approve.

The other form of time travel that I approve of is the Lost version where everything that happened, happened. Time is one imprint. So if a person in 2016 goes back to hang out at a Bon Jovi concert in 1987, he’ll always have been at that Bon Jovi concert. There is no “revisting” 1987. It all just happens at once. Time doesn’t care that the person technically, if you’re forced to view things in a linear pattern, hasn’t been born yet. Time is not constrained by the same rules that prison our perception.

On the other hand, I once more strongly disapprove of the Titans. Once again, they aren’t saving the world, or innocents, or any single thing in danger except for themselves. The only reason this conflict exists is because Donna Troy exists. The Titans are merely fighting to save themselves from a threat that doesn’t exist if they don’t. That isn’t being a hero. That’s just trying to survive. Plus, just like always, the trouble is caused by family!

New Titans #91 (October 1992)

Well, it’s what he’s been called so far, so why not?

The big question raised in this issue is this: how can adult Lord Chaos from the future and baby Lord Chaos from the present exist in the same space and time?

I know, I know! It’s a stupid question! Everybody knows the answer is “Because of time travel, you stupid knob.” But apparently everybody realizes that some cosmic law of the physical universe would somehow be broken if two versions of the same person were to exist in the same place and they’re all freaking out about it now. Nobody fucking questioned time travel though. “Oh! You’re here from the future? Oh yeah? Cool! Come hang out! But don’t call up your past version of yourself because the rates are crazy or something. I don’t know. Whatever.”

Obviously this stupid question which should never even have been thought to ask is being asked for plot reasons. Is Lord Chaos not really Donna’s baby? Seems like that’s the whole point of the question! Although I hope that isn’t what’s going on because if the baby isn’t killed by the Team Titans, does that mean Donna is going to have to deal with a baby from here on out? Ugh! Disgusting!

Justice League #52

This Man of Steel has the look of a man who won a bet where I have to lick his asshole clean. Believe me. I know that look.

The Review!
How long can Lex Luthor as Superman remain interesting? This seems like one of those Geoff Johns guzzling whisky at the bar ideas that sounds like a shocking story idea but eventually gets old quick. I don't know whose idea it was but since Dan Jurgens is writing this book, I guess I'll have to assume it was his. It's not like we haven't seen the Lex Luthor goes good story several times before. So once again, we get to read stories where Lex Luthor is doing the right thing but in a not so great way while we wait for him to go off the rails revealing either his ultimate criminal plan or that he's just a huge dick who will never change. Hopefully Dan Jurgens will bring a new twist to the Lex as hero thing but I have my doubts. Jurgens is, after all, only a robot built in 1986 with no ports to upgrade his memory. This might simply wind up being a Cold War allegory that doesn't matter anymore!

Keep reading...

New Titans #90 (September 1992)

In this issue, Starfire finds out that Dick had sex with another woman. Of course, Dick didn’t know the other woman wasn’t Starfire, so he should totally get a pass on this one. Although did he really not know it wasn’t Starfire? There’s a scene at the end where Deathstroke sees Mirage as Starfire walking down the halls at STAR Labs and he instantly realizes it’s not Kory by her movements and attitude. I’m supposed to believe Deathstroke is more perceptive than Dick Grayson?

That’s not the only evidence that Dick knew! When it comes out he has slept with this impostor Starfire, Kory says, “Dick! You slept with another woman?!” And Dick is all, “I didn’t know it wasn’t you! I’m the victim!” And Kory is all, “Then why can’t you stop grinning and why are you high-fiving Changeling?!” What a bastard!

The New Titans #88 (July 1992)

Nightwing gets a long overdue costume change and it works. Starfire gets a costume change and it’s terrible. Luckily the Starfire in the new horrible costume is actually Mirage. Hopefully Kory won’t keep it when she returns from wherever she’s being held captive . . . again!

Baby Wildebeest continues to be played up as the main draw of the comic book although every scene with him is just Pantha grousing and not killing him as he destroys Steve Dayton’s home. Why Pantha is putting up with all this Titans nonsense, I have no idea. Maybe Dayton is giving her a per diem.

My main question is how long did Jonathan Peterson work on this comic book trying to make into the X-men? I mean, they've fucking living in a mansion now.

The New Titans #87 (June 1992)

Pantha’s tail still looks more like a turd that won’t let go than a tail. Why is it coming out from between her ass cheeks?!

This issue was called “Reflections” which means a lot of people learned things about themselves that they hadn’t realized before. I think. Is that how mirrors work? You look into them and, if you’re ready to change and you’re a deep thinker and you’re not in your teens, you go, “Whoa! I’m like not like I was like at all!” LSD helps. No wait. The opposite of that. Don't look into a mirror while on LSD.

The issue would have been better if the entire thing was just a farce following Baby Wildebeest around. Usually I don’t want a story to embrace the “baby trope” but I’ll make an exception for this one. Mostly because the Titans are uninteresting, selfish assholes who have never once helped humanity who make a Scrappy Doo character seem like a move in the right direction. Plus, this issue devoted far too many pages to some Russian subplot that only fans of Red Star give a damn about. Normally this is where I’d tease fans of Red Star figuring that there really aren’t any but the Internet has shown me that no matter how uninteresting, bland, boring, or mundane a character is, some idiot will declare them their favorite!