Infinity Man and the Forever People #9

Who cares?

Last issue with Infinity Man introducing himself to Big Bear and saying, "Oh yeah. I can manifest whenever I want. I just like watching you idiots touch that malfunctioning Mother Box and yelling 'Garblooey!' Ha ha. Totally hilarious."

Hopefully the revelations in this book will rival the revelations in Revelations! And hopefully they'll be more understandable. And hopefully none of them will leak out into other comic books. Can we just put this mess to rest here and now?

I like when the comic book says what I want to say before I can say it. Although I have already said multiple times that this comic book hasn't made any sense. I just hadn't gotten around to saying it yet in this commentary.

I'm going to begin calling my commentaries "critiques"! Doesn't that sound fancy?! I already sound smarter, right? I'm gonna make you proud yet, mama!

Wouldn't it be great if Infinity Man reveals all the secrets to Flashpoint and the Trinity of Sin and Convocation right here in this comic book? It would be a great big fuck you to all the smart people not reading this bullshit! I might even be the only one to learn all of the secrets! Am I the only person that purchased a copy of this issue? I wouldn't be surprised.

The first thing Infinity Man reveals is that The Joker did not rape Batgirl when he shot her in the spine and took naked pictures of her. He just really wanted to make that clear for Big Bear. Next he points out that Batman wasn't raped by Talia al Ghul at all because Batman is immune to Rohypnol so it was totally consensual. Then he goes off on a tangent where he wonders why he's never seen an anti-rape poster that points out how "sensual" is part of consensual and how it's sexy to get consent or something. Then Big Bear is all, "That's fucking disgusting, you idiot." And Infinity Man is all, "I was just trying out some new comedy. It's totally unfair to criticize me for new material!" And Big Bear was all, "I can have my opinions and my opinion is beginning to be that you're a problematic asshole!" And Infinity Man is all, "Okay! Okay! Calm down! Let's just get back to my revelations, okay?"

The third revelation from Infinity Man is that Batwoman was not raped by Nocturna and then she didn't have to deal with Nocturna blaming her for being victimized. Anybody who thought that totally read the situation wrong and should just know they were wrong and they shouldn't revisit the comic to try to prove that they weren't wrong at all and Nocturna totally blames Batwoman for her own rape and is a total gross asshole about the whole situation. Just believe the revelation, okay?

Infinity Man's fourth revelation is that it totally wasn't sexist and gross when DC Comics asked people to draw pictures of Harley Quinn naked in the bathtub trying to kill herself. That was comedy, people! Comedy! Jesus Christ (he says! Not me!), will you people get a sense of humor already!

Infinity Man's fifth revelation is that he didn't mean to tell readers with real issues about the things DC keeps printing that they were overreacting and that they needed to get a sense of humor. Infinity Man was totally thinking of something else at the moment and he's sure you misunderstood him and shit.

Infinity Man's sixth revelation is that Starfire is master of her sexuality and if it looked like she was portrayed as a cum dumpster that loves to gobble cum, it was only because you didn't read all of Scott Lobdell's tweets where he explicitly said that that wasn't how Starfire was being portrayed at all!

It's about at this point in the comic book where I started to think that maybe DC could have come up with a better way to spin their problems from the last few years than to try to spin them in a more positive way in continuity! These were really weird revelations!

Infinity Man's next revelation is his secret origin. It's about time Didio got around to the fucking characters in this comic book.

Infinity Man's secret origin is all about Izaya and how he turned into Highfather. At a crucial point in New Genesis's history, Izaya considers entering into a deal with Darkseid, exchanging his son Scott Free for Darkseid's son Orion. Unless they exchanged other sons. Anyway, to get some advice, Izaya visits the last shard of the original Source Wall. Apparently it's some kind of Magic Eight Ball.

DC is already selling replica Mother Boxes. Maybe they should sell mini-Source Wall's that answer questions like this?

Infinity Man is the bastard child of the Source Wall and Izaya's conscience. That's a pretty shitty revelation. I don't care about Infinity Man and I care even less about Highfather! So now I care many times more less than I used to about Infinity Man! Worst revelation and secret origin ever.

Stop threatening me with the possible continuation of crappy stories and garbage characters!

Infinity Man and the Forever People #9 Rating: -2 Ranking. Ugh. Uff. Blarg. Yeach. Pflooey.

Infinity Man and the Forever People #8

I fixed this cover so that it went the appropriate number of issues.

I have a feeling that whatever happens in this comic book isn't going to matter to anybody. Or it's going to be the single issue that ties Futures End to the DC Universe's present. Or it's just going to be twenty pages stuck together by Dan Didio's cum. Oh man, I hope it's not that last one.

The issue begins with Beautiful Dreamer having a bad dream the way she always has bad dreams. Last night, I dreamt that I completed a ritual that destroyed a Great Old One. I'm just going to assume that I dream future events and just start calling myself a hero due to my future heroic actions.

Beautiful Dreamer just had a dream where she saw Mark Moonrider die. Apparently she doesn't want this to happen even though she had that dream where he was going to betray them all. Serafina walks in just in time to hear that Beautiful Dreamer just had a vision of Mark and she was all, "Um, where did the vision start? I wasn't kissing him or anything, right? I mean, of course I wasn't! And if you saw his dick in my mouth, that was just a normal dream and not a vision at all and I wouldn't worry about it or anything."

Six pages into the comic book and everything about it is lackluster. The art is flat and boring. The characters are flat and boring. The dialogue is flat and boring. The whole thing reads like I only know two ways to describe everything: flat and boring! But it's not my fault! I assure you, it is Infinity Man and the Forever People #8!

I think everybody working on this book just got incredibly bored with it and since they knew it was ending anyway, they just didn't care. Maybe Mark Moonrider will die since nobody fucking cares.

See? This guy totally doesn't fucking care.

The Forever People arrive just in time to see Mark Moonrider killed. Or nearly killed. I bet if they all touch their Mother Box and scream, "Yarhooey!", they can save him! Then Infinity Man will appear for some reason that doesn't make any sense and doesn't really matter.

Can anybody explain why this comic book exists? It's incomprehensible and not entertaining. When will Didio just leave Jack Kirby's works alone? I think he just likes fucking up Kirby's characters (not that they weren't pretty fucked up already. But now they're fucked up in a more modern way). Why else would he allow Ann Nocenti to write Klarion? That's some spiteful, venomous bullshit right there.

Anyway, a boring fight takes place between the Forever People and the Femmes Fatales. I suppose if I put much effort into it, I could figure out which characters are on which side but I don't fucking care. A bald woman stabs a woman all in yellow in the kidneys as she chokes a purple haired woman and another woman in a hat shoots lasers out of her fingers. One side will probably defeat the other side soon. Yay.

This cute little tush was a bright spot during the battle.

Beautiful Dreamer brings Mark Moonrider back to life by leaking the Anti-Life Equation out of her eyeballs. If you were wondering what the Anti-Life Equation was, it's finally been revealed: N=Y where Y equals hope and N equals folly. That's it? Really? Hope and Folly are equal at all times is the Anti-Life Equation? There were some other parts to the equation like love and lies being equal, and life and death being equal, and self and dark side being equal. That last one really seems weird. Plus there was a long string where loneliness added to alienation added to fear and added to despair and then added to self-worth were then divided by mockery divided by condemnation divided by misunderstanding after it had been multiplied by guilt and shame and failure and judgment. Do you feel cheated by this Anti-Life Equation revelation or do you feel like that was some pretty profound bullshit?

Beautiful Dreamer then sends the Femmes Fatales off into space with Lashina and Granny Goodness. Mark Moonrider begins leaking Anti-Life Equation out of his eyes while he sleeps. And Infinity Man appears to Big Bear to let him know that there will be another issue. I guess I'd better stop assuming that all of these comics are ending this month! I can't believe I still have to read one more of these things. At least it's the origin of Infinity Man so maybe it will explain what the fuck is going on just in time for me to not need the information anymore.

Infinity Man and the Forever People #8 Rating: -1 Ranking. Nobody working on this comic book cares anymore so why should I? Not that I ever cared about it anyway. Do writers know that when they're writing about characters that nobody really cares about that they have to establish some means to make the readers care? If this book were about Batman and the Batfamily, at least readers would be emotionally attached to the characters and might respond to the mediocre story taking place. But since these characters are throwaway old school Jack Kirby characters, nobody gives a shit if Mark Moonrider dies or if he betrays Beautiful Dreamer or if Vykin keeps the "black" in front of his name. I think Didio just needs to hang up his typewriter and just concentrate on putting his foot in his mouth during press conferences and interviews.

Infinity Man and the Forever People #7

It's February. Enough with the happy new years already.

I have the original script of Infinity Man and the Forever People #7 in my hands! I think it would have been more successful if they hadn't made any changes to the script but then that's why I don't run a comic book publishing business, I guess. Let's compare the original script to what made it to the shelves, shall we?

Page One.

The original script:

PAGE ONE: Mark Moonrider sits unhappily in a location where he ought to seem happy, perhaps a strip club with a woman straddling him and rubbing her breasts in his face? He wears a stupid hat to indicate that it is the eve of the new year.

Narration Box: Why did I come here in loose fitting clothes? How am I going to stand up? Worse yet, what if I blow New Genesis seed all over the inside of my super trousers?
Narration Box: It's so hard being a white man god. Nobody understands the angst created by not having any problems projected onto me by society, leaving me the time and luxury to become introspective and think about nothing but my own existence. So much angst! So much brooding!
Narration Box: Man tears!

Page Two.

PAGE TWO: Nine panels showing the back of Mark Moonrider as Serafina enters from the VIP Lounge, completely sopping wet. She sits by him and they talk in the last three panels:

P.7
Mark: Serafina.
Serafina: Mark.

P.8
Mark: Funny meeting you here.
Serafina: Yeah. Funny.

P.9
Mark: Want to talk about it? Why are your clothes soaking wet? How much did it cost? Please want to talk about it.

PAGE THREE: Serafina, still dripping in mystery fluids, tells her story to Mark Moonrider. The story continues in flashbacks with Serafina narrating. [NOTE: Remember to use white text in a lavender box for Serafina's Narration Boxes to increase reader eye strain]

Narration Box: Even though this whole New Gods Graduation Class Trip to Earth Mission makes no sense, I still try to take it seriously because I'm a black woman god in a white male god world and I have to fight for every ounce of respect I can get. I save the world and it's, "Holy shit! We can't believe Serafina, with Mark Moonrider's help, saved the world. To say she fulfilled the least of our expectations would be a lie because we actually had no expectations for her!" You save the world and it's all, "Mark Moonrider does it again! Masterful! Amazing! Truly epic! And he practically did it all by himself with minimal help from his POC and female sidekicks!"
Narration Box: So we just had that mission where we battled Mantis that we failed but I think Infinity Man succeeded because of course our group, being over half female and POC, need to call on a white male god (who is, let's face it, probably cishet) to solve all of our problems. So gross.

Narration Box: Anyway, then we couldn't fucking figure out how to get home because "maps are confusing, tee hee!" And we had to get directions from a cow.
Narration Box: Then we destroyed our entire neighborhood by battling a bunch of Green Lanterns because even though we don't agree with what New God Patriarchy is up to, we still get blamed for their actions by outsiders to New Genesis.
Narration Box: It's fucking bullshit, man.
Narration Box: So anyway, I decided to do what I could to help this world without asking any of you munchholes. So I see this guy that's being bullied and I think, "Hey! I can help this one person and make the world a better place." So I enhance the hell out of the fucker with New God technology, right?
Narration Box: Only to find out later he's a borderline sociopath with a history of violence. Of course he was! He was a white male! I should have just left him to deal with his pathetic white guy versus white guy problems himself. Last fucking time I get involved, I tell you what.

Penultimate Panel: Serafina opens the door to Doctor Skuba's apartment and is knocked down by a wave of water.
Last Panel: POV from between Doctor Skuba's legs as Serafina, on her ass, looks up into his crotch and asks, "Dr. Skuba?"

PAGE FOUR: Doctor Skuba and Serafina talk outside of his apartment.

P.1.
Skuba: Hello, woman who also cared about water!
Serafina: Oh shit. You got that Darkseid look about you now.

P.2
Skuba: I've been talking to water lately! I have so much in common with it. It's all, "We oppress fish!" And I'm all, "I oppress those that don't look or act like me!" And it's all, "Cool!" And I'm all, "I know!"

P.3: As Skuba and Serafina talk, two men encased in water float nearby.
Skuba: The water wanted me to punish those guys who peed in it, so now I've encapsulated them in their own pee water!

P.4:
Skuba: Justice for all water and mankind who thinks and acts similarly to the way I do!

PAGE FIVE

P.1
Serafina laughing loudly: Ha ha! Good one! But, um, no.

P.2
Skuba: Have you ever peed in the pool, missy?!

P.3
Serafina: Of course not! [Is a Narration Box needed here to indicate she's lying or should we assume the reader knows she's lying since everybody has peed in a pool at least once in their lives? Maybe just let Skuba's reaction reveal the falsehood]

P.4
Skuba: No. You're just like them! No regard for the water!

P.5
Serafina: But you use toilets, right? That's water! You also defile the....
Skuba: Enough! The water has spoken! Everybody drowns!

Page Six.

PAGE SIX: Literal Splash Page. Ha ha! Doctor Skuba stands as a wave crashes down on Serafina and nearby pedestrians, flooding the apartment complex and the streets nearby.

Narration Box: I was all, "Oof!" and "Urgh!" and "Ack!" Then I thought about YouTube which is weird because I don't think anything called "YouTube" exists in the DC Universe. Isn't it called MeCardboardLightsaber or something stupidly tongue-in-cheek?

PAGE SEVEN: Doctor Skuba and Serafina tussle in the flooded neighborhood while all the stray cats drown.

P.1
Skuba: Water covers like 33% of the world's surface and I plan on claiming the other 65%! [Check facts and math on that before printing]
Serafina: Just like a fucking white male. Thinking you have to be the champion of the underrepresented! Have you asked the water what it wants? Do you think it really wants to be brought up on land where it's going to flood the sewer system and become more polluted than from just some drunk asshole throwing a piss balloon in a pool?

P.2
Skuba: Do not try to censor me, you dumb cunt! I have the right to say what I think the underrepresented really want without you telling me what you really want!
Serafina: Gross! Shut up! Give me back my enhancement! I'm sorry I ever felt sorry for you!

P.3
Skuba: You don't know everything I've done for the water! You don't know me! I've championed the water since whenever!
Serafina: Have another fucking cookie then, assmite.

P.4
Skuba: And now you drown!

PAGE EIGHT

P.1: Doctor Skuba creates a bubble of air around himself as he tries to drown Serafina.
Skuba: I cannot breathe water yet but soon! Soon I will wear all of water's accoutrements! I will speak in water slang! I will sport a waterfro! I will listen to gently roaring sounds of every ocean and when I ask The Indian Ocean if it's ever heard the sound of the Pacific Ocean and it says, "Why, no." I'll say, "Ha! I'm more water than you!"

P.2-4: As Doctor Skuba loses himself in his Evil Villain Monologue, Serafina pounces on him and pulls the enhancement from his back.
Serafina: Appropriate much!
Skuba: No! NO! That's mine now!
Serafina: It was never yours!

P.5: Serafina far out at sea as Doctor Skuba sinks beneath the waves.
Narration Box: And then I headed home without asking the water for kudos because I'm just trying to help out where I can, you know?

PAGE NINE: Serafina ends her story, scene shifts back to the present, Moonrider begins the story of his day. It begins in a hotel room with the other Forever People sitting around listening to Big Bear.

Last Panel
Big Bear: Based on the New God's studies of human behavior, as well as some extra information given to us by a cow, a dog, and three turkeys, these are the things we should do on New Years Eve to fit in: Wear a tiny hat. Explode tiny guns filled with paper. Blow on miniature and out of tune horns. Fuck wantonly. Imbibe dangerously of alcoholic brews. Scream and shout a lot to indicate we are enjoying ourselves and are not at all simply lost and lonely and trying to pretend we are happy amongst dozens of other people pretending in like manner.

Page Ten.

PAGE TEN: Panels with the Forever People reacting to Big Bear's revelations of what to do on New Year's. Make them up as you see fit.

PAGE ELEVEN: Keith, you're a pretty good writer. Just do whatever you want for Mark Moonrider's story. I have a fucking publishing company to run.

Page Eleven is just filled with doodles of naked Batwoman and naked Maggie Sawyer with Didio standing between them masturbating and cackling evilly.

At this point, the script changes noticeably in that before it was typed and organized while now it is scribbled and stained with wine, tears, and enchilada sauce.

PAGE WHATEVER: Fuck you, Dan Didio. I have a life. I have experience. I have tenure! Fucking only giving me half-pay on a book I write most of the jokes for! I'll show him. He loves his Jack Kirby creations so Goddamned much.

A Panel
Big Bear: "I'm a fucking New God but I'm so stupid that I don't understand the rotation of the planets or the way most alien cultures divide their planet's orbit around the sun into seasons and years!"
Some Other Forever Person. Whichever. They're All The Same: "Can we not just say the mystic chant of 'Happy New Year' and make the new year come already? DER!"

Another Panel
Black Vykin: "Duh! My chronothing says it's almost midnight and I don't feel weird at all!"
Big Bear: "Only proves my theory that we New Gods are bad ass motherfuckers! Yeah!"

Yet Another Panel
Black Bear: "More stupid bullshit because I'm the leader of the Earth Summer Reading Program but I know nothing! Brrrt!"

Final Panel Maybe
Black Bear: "Happy New Year, whatever that is!"

PAGE WHO CARES?

A Panel: Black Vykin sees kissing on the television.
Black Vykin: "Ho diddly doo! Now that's a new yar! Come here, whichever one of you I'm in a relationship with!"

Another Panel: Black Vykin and that other Forever Person kiss.
Mark Moonripper: "Get a room!"
Beauteous Dreamer: "This is a room! Oh! Kissing seems like a good time. Look at my bosoms and feel the heat of my crotchy area!"
Mark Moonriper: "I'm impotent! Or gay! Or a traitor! So I can't kiss you! Goodbye!"

Another Panel: Mark Moonracer runs from the room.

PAGE PAGEY: Back to Mark and Serafina sitting in the strip club.

A Panel
Serafina: "Wait. You're gay?"

Another Panel
Mark: "If by gay you mean I can't get it up for Dreamer due to amazing amounts of pressure and constantly thinking about how many other men she's been with and totally feeling oppressed by a changing society that's trying to castrate the white man and getting little sleep having to answer emails on the Meninist site I run, then yes. I mean, no, I'm not but it's that other stuff that has caused the stiff to vacate my stiffy."

Another Panel: Mark crying tons and tons of mantears as strippers pass by with disgusted looks on their faces.
Mark: Why is the world so hard for a white male cishet god!?

Another Panel
Serafina: "Oh, shut up. You're lucky you're hot and I'm horny and this comic book needs a little drama, so open up that mouth and take my vagina, you clod!"

PAGE NEARING THE END I HOPE: Fuck you, DidioOOOOOOOOOOOO!

A Panel
Serafina: "Let's promise to fuck later! I'm going back to the party to drop hints about us to Dreamer and watch her squirm!"

Another Panel: A mysterious woman approaches Mark from behind.
Mystery Woman: "Nice boner."
Mark: "It works! I'm in love!"

MORE PAGES UGH!

Some Panels: The Mysterious Stranger turns out to be that woman that lived near Big Bear's New Gods Complex Apartment or whatever. Leilani or something.
Leilani: "Let's fuck."
Mark: "What? NO! This boner is not for you!"
Leilani: "Why not? Prude."
Mark: "Slut!"
Leilani: "You will die by my father's hands and your bones shall be strewn amongst the wreckage of this planet!"
Mark: "Wait. What? Do I know you?"

Last Panel: Leilani skates off masturbating furiously.

Page Sixteen.

The last four pages of script are a printed out group text to penciller Daniel HDR from Didio and Giffen.

Didio: Goddamn it, Giffen! You were supposed to introduce the Lord Aagog plot hinted at from Futures End!
Giffen: Fack oo. I've drunk.
Didio: Daniel, make sure Mark doesn't let Leilani skate away. And she isn't fucking masturbating! Don't you dare try to sneak in some cute FAP sound effect or something!
Giffen: FAP FAP FAPPITY FAP FAP
Didio: If Julius Schwartz hadn't put that clause in your contract that forces DC to give you work until you die, I would so fucking fire you, Giffen!
Giffen: FAP FAP FAPPITY FAPPITY FOO!
Didio: Dan, make sure Mark explicates who Lord Aagog is and how he leads the cult of Yuga Khan who is Darkseid's father! You got that?
HDR: My last name is weird!
Giffen: Fiffee dollars unt no more, kay? hurry up boner failsing
Didio: Wrong text window, Giffen.
Giffen: WHoopsees!
Didio: Go ahead and just finish out the last few pages with a battle between Marc and Leilani, Thumpa, Killsandra, and Enchanthrax. Better known as The Femmes Fatales! I'm going to bed.
Giffen: Wait. wait wait wait wait wiait.
Didio: What?
Giffen: I love you! Bwa ha ha ha!

Infinity Man and the Forever People #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book was awesome! And then it was changed and printed differently. Whatever.

Infinity Man and the Forever People #4

This should be the November Variants! Bat-Cow covers! I'd request that variant! Although I wouldn't have known to request that variant since I never know what's coming up. Hey! If a Bat-Cow Variant Month ever happens, somebody let me know in time to request them!

Remember that television show Lost? Remember how I constantly mention how it really screwed up when the writers decided the characters weren't in Purgatory because too many people on the internet guessed that was what was going on? Here's another reason why you know it was supposed to be Purgatory: the Flashbacks. The flashbacks were there to show what kind of a person the character was when they were alive and how they were changing or repenting or staying the same or falling further to evil. In a show where the characters are merely on a weird island taken over by a near mystical corporation, the flashbacks don't mean nearly as much. Which is why they changed to flashforwards and, finally, to flashafterlifes.

Also, for the people that only really watched the show to find out what the smoke monster was (it was a smoke monster that made roller coaster noises), the final season didn't mean they were all dead the whole time. The flashafterlifes were just what the characters were doing in Lost's new version of Purgatory as they all waited to move on together. So they were really just all waiting for everybody involved to die. Not counting the drunk drivers. They all went to hell immediately.

This issue is called "Milk Run" because dry cereal is awful.

At the end of last issue, The Forever People were involved in a BOOM Tube accident.

And by "topography," Serafina means "billboard."

Batman is involved in dairy farming? I don't think Batcow would be very pleased to learn this! Dairy Farmers are the leading cause of people feeling bad about eating baby boy cows. It's a fact! I bet Batman is actually experimenting with weaponized cows. At least that would be less vile than dairy farming.

I said it's a fact! Don't fucking argue with me! Dairy is evil! Except Ben and Jerry's which is fucking delicious! And probably all the other ice cream too. And butter. And strawberry milk.

Oh no! That's the most difficult cardinal direction in which to make your way!

That last caption probably would have been a good place to make my traditional "mother box" joke! Oh well. I guess I'll have to wait for another opportunity to equate the female genitals with a container.

I bet Giffen and DiDio just laughed and laughed about Batcow licking Mother Box. It's an innuendo!

Why is Batcow in Ventura, California? I bet Batcow is on a secret mission to catch Jokercow! Or maybe she's on vacation with Catcow!

The Forever People are morons who need Batcow to show them how to travel south. Not that you have to be a moron to be less smart than Batcow! It's just, well, they are morons.

Meanwhile on New Genesis, Infinity Man tells Hymen that he's going to help Highfather. That's a lie! Last issue, he said that Highfather and the people of New Genesis were just as dangerous as Darkseid and the monstrosities of Apokolips! He said ordering the universe was just as bad as chaoticking the universe! I think the Infinity Man has some hidden, selfish motivations!

Anyway, I thought Infinity Man could only appear while the Forever People were singing songs to Mother Box? And then don't they take his place in Infinity while he forces people to stop doing everything they're doing because they're interfering with the natural order of things?

Back on Earth, the bus The New Gods take to go south takes sixteen hours to get from Ventura to Venice Beach. I think that's Dan DiDio's commentary on how shitty bus travel is. Or the people of DC have no idea how to look at a map. I think it might be that one since practically nobody at the company knows that Antarctica and The Arctic are two separate places.

What?

Is there a reason this comic book needed to be created (besides Dan DiDio's obsession with rewriting everything Jack Kirby ever created)? Am I supposed to be learning something about human nature when viewed through the eyes of a New God? Is it about the slapstick adventures of out-of-place foreigners getting their bearings in a new and strange land? I thought the New Gods were supposed to teach earthlings how to be grown up citizens of the universe but the New Gods are getting directions from cows, so how wise can they be? It's drawn and partially written by Keith Giffen so I guess it's supposed to be funny? Maybe? I mean funny in that way that Giffen is funny where he comes up with an average joke and tells it fifteen times in the same book.

Oh! I get it! Ha ha! They pissed in the pool! Didn't they read the sign that said, "This is our _ool. Notice it has no 'P' in it. Please keep it that way"?

The man cleaning the pool is Doctor Skuba. That's an evil scientist name if I ever heard one! And I have heard one. I've heard many! He tells Serafina that his hatred for those that would befoul water knows no bounds! Bwa ha ha ha!

He doesn't laugh like Giffen would have made him laugh. I added that! Because Giffen probably just forgot to add it. Or he'll do it later. Or maybe he can't use that laugh unless J.M. DeMatteis is co-writing.

Why didn't she use that cartridge on Batcow?!

I think I just realized what genre this comic book is! It's a teenaged college shenanigans comedy! Cow craziness! Road trips! Pool parties! Repeat offenders! Women losing their tops! Men making gay jokes about each other because being gay is gay (even though it is college which is the most appropriate time for a heterosexual to be gay). I can't wait until they prank the Dean!

But first the New Gods Greek House has to get into a crazy battle with the other main Greek House of Earth, Gamma Lipschitz Coitus.

AKA The Red Lanterns!

Infinity Man and the Forever People #4 Ranking: No change. Batcow saved this issue because I can't rank down a comic book that has Batcow in it! Even though it didn't make sense for Batcow to be in California. Sure, I know the cover said it was a gratuitous appearance! But I still hope that Batcow's trip to California will remain in continuity and Peter J. Tomasi will work it into Batman and Robin.

Futures End: Infinity Man and the Forever People #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

For a few weeks now, HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea has been down. All pirate broadcasts have been blocked. The only stations left to listen to in Old York are Realfeel™ Sphincters "Go Go DC Comics Happy Super Show," Marvel Moguls Inc's 24 hour gabfest, "Your Fans Are the Worst," and Dynamite Jizzbang's "News of the Moment." Two out of those three stations being aural trainwrecks, most of those still in Old York choose to listen to Dynamite Jizzbang's "News of the Moment."

"And we're back, ya twat guzzlers. Put off the clit pickling for two cumjuggling seconds and listen to the latest ass slapping exclusive fire report from 'News of the Moment.' Half of our beautifully shaved mons veneris of a city is up in rectum pounding flames as I speak (and masturbate slowly under the desk, you naughty, naughty listeners). But don't get your labias twisted, girls! It seems the jagged-nail fingerbanging fires are being contained in that pussy fart section of Old York known as the Cheap Seats. If that beautiful big-O wind keeps blowing and licking and teasing in the manner it's doing now, us residents in Upper Manhating shouldn't have to pluck a nipple hair about it. It's business as usual and the usual business is fucking. So pop those pills, pussy eaters, and relax because right now we've got a tongue lashing entertainment report on DC Comic's latest erectile dysfunction, Futures End: Infinity Man and the Forever People. Here's Peon Mia Zadora with the review."

"Thanks, Shyrral. What woman has ever actually known an 'infinity man?' Please motherfucker! They might not all be Two Pump Chumps but even if they are down to pound, you know they'll still be a No-O Gigolo, right ladies? Go ahead, keep pounding that flaccid little wee wee into my golden hole hoping it don't fall out and expose your inability to keep from pleasing yourself before you please me. As if I didn't already know you'd gone soft. Even if your flaccid hog is big enough to feel inside me, I still had to watch that stupid look come across your face that was a mix of terror, pleasure, and homophobia as you realized you just came inside me while thinking about baseball stats. Is it no wonder women prefer women? They don't have some useless tool they can't stand owning and not using even though, in most cases, it's the wrong fucking tool for the job. You know when you go to hammer in a nail, you don't pound the surface an inch or two beneath the fucking nail, right? Just drop the fucking hammer and get out the socket wrench, bitch. I got me a chubby little screw needs torquing.

"This issue of Futures End: Infinity Man and the Forever People is called 'Before I Wake' and was written by Dan DiDio and Keith Giffen, so you know it's going to be overblown man-pap full of pseudo-profound dialogue and over-reaching bullscat narration."

"Ugh. It's like they just want me to watch them masturbate."

"The issue begins with Mark 'I can't please Dreamer so she constantly dreams about Darkseid's apokoliptic cock' Moonrider waking up from a nightmare and needing to be consoled by Dreamer."

"Fucking scrotum. How does he not know what to do with that? I'm wet just thinking about how ineffectual and inept he is."

"For those of you who doubted the brain within this panties dropping physique, Moonrider and Dreamer soon begin engaging in that pseudo-profound dialogue I mentioned would be filling this book. What they should be engaging in is a post-coma rage fuck. I know, I know: this isn't a Dynamite Jizzbang comic. I don't how anybody can read this bile. What's the opposite of engorged because that's what's going on downstairs at my party palace right now. I think this book has turned my cunt into a new space-time phenomenon where time has stretched out to massive boredom and space has been relegated to a tiny, parched, shriveled singularity that used to be a loving oasis of full of endlessly running waters and squooshy exotic fruits."

"The dialogue if this were a Dynamite Jizzbang comic: 'You're coming and not coming. The only place where fucking and not fucking can coexist.' 'You're talking about God's asshole.'"

"Dreamer goes on to explain to the reader what the Cadmus Singularity is and to tie it into DC Continuity because fuck forbid a story doesn't somehow tie itself into every other story in the DC Universe, thus assuring that the most clumsy and horribly written title of the tethered together bunch pulls them all from the mountain when it falls. Hmm, that was unlike me. That metaphor wasn't sexy at all! I'm sure I could have turned it into some kind of analogy about an impotent asshole at a massive orgy with the biggest cumguzzling leg-spreaders on the planet. Fuck it, the moment is gone!"

"Umf. With shots like this, how can I keep my hands out of my panties? Oh, who am I kidding? When is the last time I wore underwear? Whoops, excuse me. I meant 'panties.' I'm contractually obligated to call my underwear 'panties.'"

"I know it's hard to believe, but there is more going on in that panel than huge fucking tits. See how Dreamer is holding his arm and pulling him away from whatever he's looking at? When that happens, who says, 'Don't walk away from me?' Maybe 'Let me go, you fucking spooge spitter.'

"After this scene, guess what happens? Something else that never happens in Dynamite Jizzbang comics! That fucking man gets physical with Dreamer. Sure, most of the Dynamite Jizzbang comics take place in a universe where all men have been eradicated. But they do publish the occasional Alternaworlds story where men and women interact. But you'll never see a man that thinks he can touch a woman any fucking way he wants. Perhaps a moment like this might happen now and again at Jizzbang, but that man doesn't live longer than that fucking panel where he touched that woman against her will. But even those stories can get needlessly rape cultury, so they're mostly frowned upon. Easiest way to destroy the rape culture was to get rid of the men. Okay, sure, women still occasionally rape other women in Dynamite Jizzbang comics but it's done in really fucking sexy ways where nobody feels threatened and everybody gets really turned on. And it never involves any kind of penetration because that would be wrong and disgusting. And it always ends in orgasms for the victim who actually really wanted to be turned on to lesbianism but was just too shy and timid to give it a try without a little push."

"Such a man thing to say."

"I kind of lose interest as I read because there just isn't enough female on female oral sex and/or rimjobs happening on-panel. Plus, it turns out Moonrider died a long time ago and now Dreamer is spending her life sleeping so she can dream him into existence. Fuck you, DC Comics. She's a powerful woman that has her own life to live and you think it's somehow romantic that she would live her life for a man that isn't even real? Even if he was real, fuck him. He's an asshole. He betrayed the team. He says he loves Dreamer but acts in ways counter to that statement. Eat my twat, dicks. No, don't. Stay away from my beautiful flower of power and go slam your testes in a car door. The only good thing about this comic book is the shots of Dreamer's cleavage and her just barely covered ass. Sometimes a girl just wants to feel sexy without having naked woman parts shoved directly into her mouth. And this book had just the right amount of titillation for a nice slow soak with a glass of wine that may or may not end up in a sensual self-rubdown and possible date with a running bathtub faucet. That's it for News of the Moment's Entertainment Report. Back to Shyrral."

"Thanks for that, Peon Mia. We have some fast pounding breaking news for you! It seems, somehow, HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea has broken through the pirate radio jammer and has begun her heavy vibrational show once again. This statement probably isn't the feelings of Dynamite Jizzbang comics but I think I need to say it: Fuck me, I love her fucking show. Way to go, Goggles! Bring it all back!"

"Meanwhile, those ass pounding fires I warned you that you didn't need to be warned about? You probably need to be warned about them. I'm as serious as a vibrator. Looks like Upper Manhating needs to evacuate. This'll be the last warning from me because Peon and I are getting the fuck gone right now!"

Infinity Man and the Forever People #2

Okay, okay! I get the joke already! The name of this comic book is fucking long! In number of letters and the profound size of the adjectives.

I only have a short amount of time before I have to get ready for work, so I'll save reading Infinity Man and the Forever People for later tonight. But I did want to share a little something about comic book criticism that made me smile.

The first time I ever had a comic book professional react to my blog was when I savaged Marcus To for his cover of Batwing #12. Granted, my exceptional way of pointing out flaws as if I were about to bust a vein in my head and fall over dead of an embolism probably shocked him when he first read it. Although by the time we'd exchanged a few notes, I noticed he had mentioned how he did find that kind of anger funny. Which, of course, is the point of my hyperbole! Anyway, I was just reading Gail Simone's new tumblr, The Comics Survival Kit in which she has a quote from Molly Mahan (editor of Red Sonja) about what she looks for in artist's portfolios:

Two things that matter most to me when it comes to evaluating a new artist are: 1. Did she draw hands and feet consistently throughout her sample pages or did she find “clever” ways to keep them out? And 2. Did she leave room for balloons and captions?

The former is something even the most praised sequential artists can be found guilty of doing. When I was a young fan, I used to count how many pages—not panels—it would take to see a decent shot of a foot or a non-clenched hand in the books I picked up, and often counted the hand/foot to character ratio on a splash.

This reminded me of the time I left Marcus To's cover beaten and bloody in a back alley because this was my first complaint with it:

Look at it! LOOK! I’m pretty sure it’s half finished. Eight people on the cover and I count three half foots. Every character is making fists except for Batwing’s left hand which is stretched out flat (the other easy way to draw a hand).

Apparently I sometimes know what I'm talking about! Of course, Marcus To's fans all told me I didn't know what I was talking about, and politely wished to see how well I could draw, and told me all kinds of things I could stick in my rectum. But that's okay because it was all very entertaining! And why else am I doing this blog if not to thoroughly entertain myself?

I also THOUGHT about DISCUSSING Scott Lobdell's writing advice but I THINK it SPEAKS for ITSELF.

Okay, I'm back from work! I probably shouldn't even mention these moments when I'm interrupted by something else because while reading this, you don't experience time the same way I'm experiencing time while writing it. Why is that? Time is weird! Somebody should write a book about time.

The issue begins with Dreamer having a sex dream about Darkseid. The main problem with this is that her dreams become reality.

The subsidiary problem is that his cock is way too big for any of her orifices.

Darkseid disappears when Dreamer wakes up and Moonrider holds and comforts her. That's when Vykin barges in to accuse Moonrider of trying to molest Dreamer so Moonrider accuses Vykin of fucking Mother Box. Is that the go to accusation on New Genesis? Are people constantly accusing other people of fornicating all over everything? I suppose where there's smoke there's smokers! I bet Big Bear's beach front property is about to go all Melrose Place on us!

For you younger readers, Melrose Place was a television show that was basically a fictionalized version of Big Brother without the opportunity to win $500,000. Also, the characters were more likable.

Beautiful Dreamer explains her dream because she thinks it might be important. Well, I'd say it should! Darkseid was in it!

I think Vykin might be fornicating Mother Box right now!

Big Bear is busy not fornicating with Kirby the Computer at all. Not even close. Why would you even think that? After not having any fornication at all, Big Bear reveals to the Forever People (I think I'll just refer to them as the Forever People or that one Forever Person or the other Forever Person because they have too many names I'll never remember (actually I just can't remember Vykin's sister's name! Serifen the Cowgirl or something) that they're on Earth to help out the poor, downtrodden, stupid humans. They're not the first class either. A previous class created some farm called Feast of Eden in the Sahara Desert because that doesn't seem inappropriate at all. And I don't mean because they have a farm with the word "feast" in it nearby some countries with fairly hungry people. I'd know exactly how far if I knew the geography of Africa better. And I'd know the geography of Africa better if my elementary school or high school or college or my own personal interests had not skewed so far into white people history. Sure, I learned a bit about Africa! Mostly that part where the Romans visited and the other parts where the Dutch "visited" and maybe a few French thought a nice, long "visit" would be fun which caused the English to set up some permanent "vacation homes." But even then, I couldn't ever remember where any of the countries were! Sure, maybe Liberia because I did learn a lot about their pre-20th century export business. And Equitorial New Guinea because it practically has its location right in the name! And Egypt, of course, because everybody knows about Egypt! That's where the Mummy came from. And South Africa because, once again, the location is right there in the name! And well, Madagascar because it's an island and it was always right there hanging out next to Africa on all the maps I looked at when I became fascinated by the history of the discovery of a Coelacanth. And I know where the Democratic Republic of the Congo is because of Batwing. I guess I also know where Algeria and Libya are due to Rommel's road trips back in World War II, and maybe a little bit from watching travel shows on PBS. I suppose I can find Ethiopia as well because of all the rock concerts put together to feed the starving Ethiopians back in the eighties. I might be able to locate some others if I were reminded they existed! I mean, I've been meaning to learn the name and location of every country in Africa so that I would seem like a really good white person! It's just I've been so busy watching reruns of Friends and Seinfeld and playing Frisbee Golf. You know how it is!

Anyway, the Forever People BOOM TUBE to Africa where they find themselves in the next Children of the Corn movie.

Due to Angolan Child Labor Laws, Malachi had to recruit Mantis Men and let the children go.

Since Keith Giffen is co-writing, get ready to see the "Vykin slept with Mother Box" joke a few dozen more times.

The following battle is a primer for the powers of the Forever People. Vykin controls his density. Moonrider has the megaton touch but once he blows his load, he's useless. Serafina's power is the Bio-burst which isn't as disgusting as it sounds. It allows her to blind and confuse opponents. And Big Bear, having been born on Apokolips, simply murders the fuck out of mantis-people. And if they all touch Mother Box and sing her the Taaru song, they can all transform into Infinity Man! Except we're probably not supposed to know that yet! Except some of us cheated and read the original run of Infinity Man and the Forever People, or saw them on Young Justice, or read their entry in the Who's Who, or read some other incarnation of them. I doubt there's anybody left reading this that doesn't know what's going to happen, and it better be soon! Nobody's hanging on until the third issue to get a glimpse of Infinity Man!

And just as Preying Mantis (with an "E"!) attacks (unless it's Praying Mantis with an "A" but that's just stupid), Mother Box cajoles the Forever People to touch her lightly and sing, "Taaru!"

I don't know. For a guy named Infinity Man, he's a bit underwhelming.

Infinity Man and the Forever People #2 Rating: No change. I don't think Keith Giffen made the same joke enough times. I've come to expect a certain level of writing with Keith Giffen, and if I don't get one joke repeated five times in the same comic, I don't feel like I've gotten my money's worth. I think the "sex with Mother Box" joke might have happened three times. That's decent but I know he can do better. Perhaps Dan DiDio is simply holding him back. Dan, you can't stop the Giffenmeister! You've got to let him roll out that same joke page after page! It just isn't a Keith Giffen book unless I find myself rolling my eyes and making gestures as if I were masturbating! I expect better next month! Maybe G'nort can appear and tell everybody to stop calling him Gnat. That's always a winner!