Metal Men #1

I only purchased this series so I could discuss how Doc Magnus loves shoving his responsometers up his ass.

Doc Magnus is gay, right? I'm not suggesting that gay people love to shove sentient spheres up their asses! That's just a Will Magnus kink. I'm just asking because I don't know that it's ever been verified canonically although all DC readers know he must be. Platinum has been trying to fuck him for decades and he's always responding, "No time, no time! This pipe won't smoke itself!" Plus, he had the opportunity to build five sexy female robots and one gay one that he'd constantly have to fight off but instead he did the opposite. Plus he's dapper and even though that's probably a stereotype that gay men are better dressers than straight men, I have to admit that I'm not dapper at all. And I would have sex with Platinum in a heartbeat! That doesn't mean it would take a heartbeat for me to consent to having sex with her. It means I would blow my load in a heartbeat if she consented to have sex with me. And, yes, I know she's a robot. And a fictional character. And a drawing. I'm just a very sexual being who isn't embarrassed to say, "I would totally fuck a cartoon character. Especially one named Erin Esurance or Shego."

I just recently reread the Metal Men series from 1993, which was only four issues, and I don't remember being blown away by it. So why did I pick up this one that's going to go for twelve issues and written by Dan DiDio? If I had a therapist, we'd spend a few sessions on why I do so many things that make me hate myself.

Dan DiDio. Di "D" io. Dan DiDDDDDDDDio.

He's talking to the responsometer shoved up his ass.

If I had a conversation with something shoved up my ass, it would go like this: "Mmmm. MMMMM. Oh. OH! Mmmmmm. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm yeah."

Sorry about that mental image. Oh, you didn't have a mental image until I mentioned the mental image? Sorry about that too.

As I was waiting for the above panel to scan, I rewrote Eclipso: The Darkness Within in my head where it ended with Doc Magnus shoving the black diamond up his ass and Eclipso being destroyed.

Oh! I just remembered what the 1993 Metal Men series was about! It was how the Metal Men weren't actually robots but the souls of Doc Magnus's friends transferred into casings made up of different pure metals! Doc Magnus is a monster! And, again, not because he shoves responsometers up his ass. That's just his Goddamned kink.

Some scientists. These gears will never turn!

I should probably blame the artist for the terrible gear layout instead of Doc Magnus. But isn't every bit of visual representation in this book reflective of Doc and his Metal Men? Of course it is!

Doc Magnus is angry at having gotten so many awards for building the responsometer. I'm sure it has nothing to do with somebody leaking why they were really invented and what he does with them. He's ranting at a Metal Person that I don't recognize. She looks like some kind of maid or nurse or nanny from a 1940s cartoon. Except made of metal. Maybe her name is Nth.

Meanwhile in Challengers Mountain, some frackers drilled into a pit of liquid Nth Metal. It doesn't look anything like Doc's psychiatrist robot so maybe she's Palladium. Although she looks more like a Ruthenium.

Doc remembers telling the Metal Men where they came from and it has nothing to do with implanting the souls of his coworkers and friends into machines. Instead, each of the robot's emotions are derived from Magnus as he put a little bit of himself into each creation. Apparently the greatest part of him he implanted in them was his low self-esteem because every year or so, they rise up and question him about what they really are. Geez, Metal Men. You're fucking robots with a fairly sophisticated but not perfect artificial intelligence. How hard is that to understand?! I guess I can't know how hard it is for artificial intelligence to understand since my intelligence isn't artificial. I don't think. Oh man. Is it?! Where's my Doc Magnus in whose face I can scream, "WHAT AM I REALLY?! WHY AM I HERE?! WHAT IS THE POINT OF HAVING SUCH A SENSUALLY SENSITIVE PROSTATE?!"

Oh, the robot Doc is ranting to is named Nameless. Or not named at all. One of those. I think she should be Ruthenium.

The Nth Metal asks for Will Magnus by name so he puts Ruth back in the closet (she's just a soulless husk) and heads off to see a natural example of his total technological failings. And he seems so jovial about it!

Metal Men #1 Final Thoughts: I hope Ruth becomes an important character later. Maybe a responsometer, hastily discarded from Will's ass, will fall off the nightstand and land inside of her. Then she'll power up and have all the memories of everything Will ever said to her, all of his most terrible secrets and shames. Then she'll become his nemesis but instead of inventing new evil robots made out of the more evil elements (like Neon, Xenon, and Seaborgium), she'll just hire a bunch of henchmen wearing cardboard robot outfits. Man, this writing comic books thing is fucking easy.

Kamandi Challenge #1

If this is as big a trainwreck as DC Challenge, I'll definitely solve it before DC does! I still don't think they solved that one.

I solved the DC Challenge before they did but it didn't matter because the story was a fucking joke. Batman is the World's Greatest Detective but only when the writer writing him has control of the entire story. Otherwise Batman gets the easiest clue in the world (finding the name ELI ELLIS by turning over a calculator after doing a sum) and he promptly forgets all about it for eleven issues. Then in the final issue when everybody had to get together to make sense of the eleven different stories that basically ignored almost everything that came before, Mark Evanier, writer of the first issue, was probably all, "You are all idiots!" Then somebody probably called him an idiot because he thought Benjamin Franklin was a president and on the fifty dollar bill. Maybe. I have a vague recollection that The Riddler fucked up that clue. It's been over twenty years, you know.

The DC Challenge was supposed to end each issue on a cliffhanger which the next writer was supposed to get out of. If I remember correctly though, these cliffhangers were either generally ignored and left for somebody else while the writer began a completely different plot thread concentrating on new characters. I imagine this series will be a lot like that. This one will start with Kamandi and his adventures. Then there will be a cliffhanger ending where Kamandi is about to die and the next issue will ignore it while focusing on the Atomic Knights. Then the next issue will focus on Ben Boxer while ignoring how the Atomic Knights were about to go critical and destroy the world. They'll be going critical for ten issues before somebody resolves that situation.

What I'm trying to say is that this thing is going to be a huge fucking mess.

I'm surprised Keith Giffen is doing the art. Unless this is Koblish trying to look like Kirby but instead looking like Giffen!

Kamandi, the not quite last boy on Earth, races off across town to try to catch the school bus at its last stop. It seems like if he can catch the school bus by cutting through town, he can probably just race straight to school. Not that I know the layout of his town! This is a mystery, by gorsh! Knowing the topographical features of the local locale could give away the mystery!

Kamandi is stopped by a cop who takes the law a little too seriously. He says, "I don't care if you're the last boy on Earth, no one crosses against the red." Dude. If he's the last boy on Earth then there's no danger crossing against the red! Unless the last girl on Earth is driving like a fucking maniac and coming from the other direction. Okay fine. I guess the cop has a point. Plus there are all those sentient animals who drive in the future. But maybe in their society, they cross on the red and stop on the green? Take that, Mr. Fascist Cop!

Some creatures crash through the sky as if it were just the top of a dome painted like the sky. Kamandi's fellow citizens pull out weapons to begin fighting them and urge Kamandi to rush home. I guess this is Command "D" and Kamandi lives in a simulated environment with his grandmother. Did I just solve the mystery? No? Oh, yeah, that's right. I just comprehended what I was reading. Never mind. I'll get that mystery yet though!

The Kangarat Murder Society has broken into Command "D" because there's a bounty on Kamandi's head. The villagers protect him because they're just robots built to protect the last boy on Earth. Kamandi rushes home thinking, "So when I fucked Sarah Lou Ellen behind the bleachers, I actually had my dick in a...a...machine?!"

Is that the mystery? The Case of Kamandi's Missing Parents?

After being shoved through The Void, Kamandi learns he's in a terrible spin-off of Heroes when he hears a voice say, "Find your parents. Save the world." Also, Heroes itself was fucking terrible. I will admit there were some interesting things about it but it was lazy in that the characters in every series were motivated by either a vision of the future or a prophecy. When a writer uses those devices to get the action moving, it means they're terrible writers.

Kamandi comes out of the other side of The Void with long hair and three months worth of piss and shit staining his torn up jeans. He winds up in the clutches of the Tiger-men! That means he's about to meet that pervert, Doctor Canus! Did I just solve the mystery? The pervert is Doctor Canus?

But before he can meet Doctor Canus, Kamandi must survive in the arena against Tiny. And you know with a name like "Tiny," he's got to be big. Even in the future, they stick to nickname clichés.

Based on what Kamandi knows, this statement makes no sense. Even if he's riffing on what the cop told him earlier, Kamandi has no idea that he's currently the last boy on Earth so if he dies, he'll, um, still be the last boy on Earth but with a slightly altered meaning.

And that's the end of part one! That's a pretty simple cliffhanger to solve! Kamandi just needs to beat Tiny. I bet he's swallowed whole by Tiny and then he kicks his way out of Tiny's stomach from the inside! No wait. That's preposterous. Maybe he'll do that thing that Luke did to the Rancor but instead of using a large thigh bone, he'll use the last boner on Earth. Or maybe Doctor Canus will stop the match because he likes the smell of Kamandi's asshole. However it's solved, I'll find out immediately because Dan Abnett takes over for Dan DiDio right here in the middle of the issue!

Oh yeah. Dan DiDio wrote the first story because of course he did. He seems to have called Dibs! on all of Jack Kirby's characters since The New 52 began (and maybe even earlier!).

Part Two is called "K is for 'Kill'!" K is also for Kamandi! And kissing! And kleptocracy! Oh! And klue! A klue to the mystery! Which is still a complete mystery!

Prince Tuftan watches bored as he waits for Kamandi to be torn to bits. I guess this is entertainment for tigers. It's probably like watching America's Test Kitchen on PBS. It's definitely making me hungry.

As Kamandi tries to escape Tiny (who is much bigger when drawn by Eaglesham than when drawn by Giffen!), he discovers the walls of the arena are electrified. Boo! Hiss! That's a cheating shortcut! Electricity is always the way the hero takes out the unstoppable foe! This Cliffhanger Solution rates a 3 out of 10! Did I boo yet? BOO!

Tiny is knocked unconscious from the electrified walls. That's got to be a lot of electricity running along those walls to drop a beast like that! I guess the Tiger-men's post-apocalyptic world isn't so bad if it has such generous power reserves.

Prince Fuzzypants is impressed by Kamandi's resourcefulness even though that resourcefulness has been used over and over again in all kinds of books and movies and television shows. How lucky that there's always some kind of electrical danger nearby when the hero is about to be torn to pieces.

Kamandi is brought to Doctor Canus to be trained. Doctor Canus begins slathering peanut butter all over his cock.

You'd be shocked too if your dog began talking to you while you were crouched in front of it with your crotch covered in Jif.

Doctor Canus takes Kamandi on a walk and shows him Tiger City. Upon seeing the Brother Eye symbol outside the Hall of War, Kamandi tries to investigate it. But it will have to wait until Kamandi becomes best friends with Prince Fuzzypants. For now, he's just a lowly animal being trained to fight in the arena. I hope the second cliffhanger isn't another bout in the arena! Maybe all the cliffhangers will be bigger and bigger opponents in the arena.

Great Caesar returns with a load of leopard slaves and a nuclear missile. Kamandi slips his leash and loses Canus in the celebrating crowd. He heads straight to the Hall of War where he was just told he couldn't go. Somebody is going to be called a bad human and thumped on his tender nose.

Guarding the Hall of War are a bunch of Jackdaws. They're sentient humanoid crows and probably the next cliffhanger. Oh, no. There are still too many pages left. I guess this diversion was just so Kamandi could learn that the tigers of Tiger City are stockpiling ancient weapons. That might be a clue for later! It's hard to tell though because I still don't know what the mystery is. But I think I do know what the next cliffhanger will be!

Silly tigers! Nukes are for...uh, I mean, they're greeeeeeeeat!

The stupid tigers set the bomb to detonate in five minutes. What a cliffhanger! Kamandi only has five minutes to convince Doctor Canus that the tigers will die if he doesn't disarm the bomb! And he'll only have thirty seconds to do that since he'll spend most of the time licking off that peanut butter!

What Did I Learn?
Well, I haven't learned what the mystery is yet, that's for sure! Is the mystery how the world was destroyed? Or why Kamandi needs to find his parents? Or why he needs to remember Command "D" (other than so everybody thinks that's his name)? Or why the world needs saving? Or why the tigers are so stupid and careless? Maybe the mystery is how a dog became a scientist!

The Ranking!
Well shit. It's not too bad because I love stupid gimmick comic books like this!

Infinity Man and the Forever People #9

Who cares?

Last issue with Infinity Man introducing himself to Big Bear and saying, "Oh yeah. I can manifest whenever I want. I just like watching you idiots touch that malfunctioning Mother Box and yelling 'Garblooey!' Ha ha. Totally hilarious."

Hopefully the revelations in this book will rival the revelations in Revelations! And hopefully they'll be more understandable. And hopefully none of them will leak out into other comic books. Can we just put this mess to rest here and now?

I like when the comic book says what I want to say before I can say it. Although I have already said multiple times that this comic book hasn't made any sense. I just hadn't gotten around to saying it yet in this commentary.

I'm going to begin calling my commentaries "critiques"! Doesn't that sound fancy?! I already sound smarter, right? I'm gonna make you proud yet, mama!

Wouldn't it be great if Infinity Man reveals all the secrets to Flashpoint and the Trinity of Sin and Convocation right here in this comic book? It would be a great big fuck you to all the smart people not reading this bullshit! I might even be the only one to learn all of the secrets! Am I the only person that purchased a copy of this issue? I wouldn't be surprised.

The first thing Infinity Man reveals is that The Joker did not rape Batgirl when he shot her in the spine and took naked pictures of her. He just really wanted to make that clear for Big Bear. Next he points out that Batman wasn't raped by Talia al Ghul at all because Batman is immune to Rohypnol so it was totally consensual. Then he goes off on a tangent where he wonders why he's never seen an anti-rape poster that points out how "sensual" is part of consensual and how it's sexy to get consent or something. Then Big Bear is all, "That's fucking disgusting, you idiot." And Infinity Man is all, "I was just trying out some new comedy. It's totally unfair to criticize me for new material!" And Big Bear was all, "I can have my opinions and my opinion is beginning to be that you're a problematic asshole!" And Infinity Man is all, "Okay! Okay! Calm down! Let's just get back to my revelations, okay?"

The third revelation from Infinity Man is that Batwoman was not raped by Nocturna and then she didn't have to deal with Nocturna blaming her for being victimized. Anybody who thought that totally read the situation wrong and should just know they were wrong and they shouldn't revisit the comic to try to prove that they weren't wrong at all and Nocturna totally blames Batwoman for her own rape and is a total gross asshole about the whole situation. Just believe the revelation, okay?

Infinity Man's fourth revelation is that it totally wasn't sexist and gross when DC Comics asked people to draw pictures of Harley Quinn naked in the bathtub trying to kill herself. That was comedy, people! Comedy! Jesus Christ (he says! Not me!), will you people get a sense of humor already!

Infinity Man's fifth revelation is that he didn't mean to tell readers with real issues about the things DC keeps printing that they were overreacting and that they needed to get a sense of humor. Infinity Man was totally thinking of something else at the moment and he's sure you misunderstood him and shit.

Infinity Man's sixth revelation is that Starfire is master of her sexuality and if it looked like she was portrayed as a cum dumpster that loves to gobble cum, it was only because you didn't read all of Scott Lobdell's tweets where he explicitly said that that wasn't how Starfire was being portrayed at all!

It's about at this point in the comic book where I started to think that maybe DC could have come up with a better way to spin their problems from the last few years than to try to spin them in a more positive way in continuity! These were really weird revelations!

Infinity Man's next revelation is his secret origin. It's about time Didio got around to the fucking characters in this comic book.

Infinity Man's secret origin is all about Izaya and how he turned into Highfather. At a crucial point in New Genesis's history, Izaya considers entering into a deal with Darkseid, exchanging his son Scott Free for Darkseid's son Orion. Unless they exchanged other sons. Anyway, to get some advice, Izaya visits the last shard of the original Source Wall. Apparently it's some kind of Magic Eight Ball.

DC is already selling replica Mother Boxes. Maybe they should sell mini-Source Wall's that answer questions like this?

Infinity Man is the bastard child of the Source Wall and Izaya's conscience. That's a pretty shitty revelation. I don't care about Infinity Man and I care even less about Highfather! So now I care many times more less than I used to about Infinity Man! Worst revelation and secret origin ever.

Stop threatening me with the possible continuation of crappy stories and garbage characters!

Infinity Man and the Forever People #9 Rating: -2 Ranking. Ugh. Uff. Blarg. Yeach. Pflooey.

Infinity Man and the Forever People #8

I fixed this cover so that it went the appropriate number of issues.

I have a feeling that whatever happens in this comic book isn't going to matter to anybody. Or it's going to be the single issue that ties Futures End to the DC Universe's present. Or it's just going to be twenty pages stuck together by Dan Didio's cum. Oh man, I hope it's not that last one.

The issue begins with Beautiful Dreamer having a bad dream the way she always has bad dreams. Last night, I dreamt that I completed a ritual that destroyed a Great Old One. I'm just going to assume that I dream future events and just start calling myself a hero due to my future heroic actions.

Beautiful Dreamer just had a dream where she saw Mark Moonrider die. Apparently she doesn't want this to happen even though she had that dream where he was going to betray them all. Serafina walks in just in time to hear that Beautiful Dreamer just had a vision of Mark and she was all, "Um, where did the vision start? I wasn't kissing him or anything, right? I mean, of course I wasn't! And if you saw his dick in my mouth, that was just a normal dream and not a vision at all and I wouldn't worry about it or anything."

Six pages into the comic book and everything about it is lackluster. The art is flat and boring. The characters are flat and boring. The dialogue is flat and boring. The whole thing reads like I only know two ways to describe everything: flat and boring! But it's not my fault! I assure you, it is Infinity Man and the Forever People #8!

I think everybody working on this book just got incredibly bored with it and since they knew it was ending anyway, they just didn't care. Maybe Mark Moonrider will die since nobody fucking cares.

See? This guy totally doesn't fucking care.

The Forever People arrive just in time to see Mark Moonrider killed. Or nearly killed. I bet if they all touch their Mother Box and scream, "Yarhooey!", they can save him! Then Infinity Man will appear for some reason that doesn't make any sense and doesn't really matter.

Can anybody explain why this comic book exists? It's incomprehensible and not entertaining. When will Didio just leave Jack Kirby's works alone? I think he just likes fucking up Kirby's characters (not that they weren't pretty fucked up already. But now they're fucked up in a more modern way). Why else would he allow Ann Nocenti to write Klarion? That's some spiteful, venomous bullshit right there.

Anyway, a boring fight takes place between the Forever People and the Femmes Fatales. I suppose if I put much effort into it, I could figure out which characters are on which side but I don't fucking care. A bald woman stabs a woman all in yellow in the kidneys as she chokes a purple haired woman and another woman in a hat shoots lasers out of her fingers. One side will probably defeat the other side soon. Yay.

This cute little tush was a bright spot during the battle.

Beautiful Dreamer brings Mark Moonrider back to life by leaking the Anti-Life Equation out of her eyeballs. If you were wondering what the Anti-Life Equation was, it's finally been revealed: N=Y where Y equals hope and N equals folly. That's it? Really? Hope and Folly are equal at all times is the Anti-Life Equation? There were some other parts to the equation like love and lies being equal, and life and death being equal, and self and dark side being equal. That last one really seems weird. Plus there was a long string where loneliness added to alienation added to fear and added to despair and then added to self-worth were then divided by mockery divided by condemnation divided by misunderstanding after it had been multiplied by guilt and shame and failure and judgment. Do you feel cheated by this Anti-Life Equation revelation or do you feel like that was some pretty profound bullshit?

Beautiful Dreamer then sends the Femmes Fatales off into space with Lashina and Granny Goodness. Mark Moonrider begins leaking Anti-Life Equation out of his eyes while he sleeps. And Infinity Man appears to Big Bear to let him know that there will be another issue. I guess I'd better stop assuming that all of these comics are ending this month! I can't believe I still have to read one more of these things. At least it's the origin of Infinity Man so maybe it will explain what the fuck is going on just in time for me to not need the information anymore.

Infinity Man and the Forever People #8 Rating: -1 Ranking. Nobody working on this comic book cares anymore so why should I? Not that I ever cared about it anyway. Do writers know that when they're writing about characters that nobody really cares about that they have to establish some means to make the readers care? If this book were about Batman and the Batfamily, at least readers would be emotionally attached to the characters and might respond to the mediocre story taking place. But since these characters are throwaway old school Jack Kirby characters, nobody gives a shit if Mark Moonrider dies or if he betrays Beautiful Dreamer or if Vykin keeps the "black" in front of his name. I think Didio just needs to hang up his typewriter and just concentrate on putting his foot in his mouth during press conferences and interviews.

Infinity Man and the Forever People #7

It's February. Enough with the happy new years already.

I have the original script of Infinity Man and the Forever People #7 in my hands! I think it would have been more successful if they hadn't made any changes to the script but then that's why I don't run a comic book publishing business, I guess. Let's compare the original script to what made it to the shelves, shall we?

Page One.

The original script:

PAGE ONE: Mark Moonrider sits unhappily in a location where he ought to seem happy, perhaps a strip club with a woman straddling him and rubbing her breasts in his face? He wears a stupid hat to indicate that it is the eve of the new year.

Narration Box: Why did I come here in loose fitting clothes? How am I going to stand up? Worse yet, what if I blow New Genesis seed all over the inside of my super trousers?
Narration Box: It's so hard being a white man god. Nobody understands the angst created by not having any problems projected onto me by society, leaving me the time and luxury to become introspective and think about nothing but my own existence. So much angst! So much brooding!
Narration Box: Man tears!

Page Two.

PAGE TWO: Nine panels showing the back of Mark Moonrider as Serafina enters from the VIP Lounge, completely sopping wet. She sits by him and they talk in the last three panels:

P.7
Mark: Serafina.
Serafina: Mark.

P.8
Mark: Funny meeting you here.
Serafina: Yeah. Funny.

P.9
Mark: Want to talk about it? Why are your clothes soaking wet? How much did it cost? Please want to talk about it.

PAGE THREE: Serafina, still dripping in mystery fluids, tells her story to Mark Moonrider. The story continues in flashbacks with Serafina narrating. [NOTE: Remember to use white text in a lavender box for Serafina's Narration Boxes to increase reader eye strain]

Narration Box: Even though this whole New Gods Graduation Class Trip to Earth Mission makes no sense, I still try to take it seriously because I'm a black woman god in a white male god world and I have to fight for every ounce of respect I can get. I save the world and it's, "Holy shit! We can't believe Serafina, with Mark Moonrider's help, saved the world. To say she fulfilled the least of our expectations would be a lie because we actually had no expectations for her!" You save the world and it's all, "Mark Moonrider does it again! Masterful! Amazing! Truly epic! And he practically did it all by himself with minimal help from his POC and female sidekicks!"
Narration Box: So we just had that mission where we battled Mantis that we failed but I think Infinity Man succeeded because of course our group, being over half female and POC, need to call on a white male god (who is, let's face it, probably cishet) to solve all of our problems. So gross.

Narration Box: Anyway, then we couldn't fucking figure out how to get home because "maps are confusing, tee hee!" And we had to get directions from a cow.
Narration Box: Then we destroyed our entire neighborhood by battling a bunch of Green Lanterns because even though we don't agree with what New God Patriarchy is up to, we still get blamed for their actions by outsiders to New Genesis.
Narration Box: It's fucking bullshit, man.
Narration Box: So anyway, I decided to do what I could to help this world without asking any of you munchholes. So I see this guy that's being bullied and I think, "Hey! I can help this one person and make the world a better place." So I enhance the hell out of the fucker with New God technology, right?
Narration Box: Only to find out later he's a borderline sociopath with a history of violence. Of course he was! He was a white male! I should have just left him to deal with his pathetic white guy versus white guy problems himself. Last fucking time I get involved, I tell you what.

Penultimate Panel: Serafina opens the door to Doctor Skuba's apartment and is knocked down by a wave of water.
Last Panel: POV from between Doctor Skuba's legs as Serafina, on her ass, looks up into his crotch and asks, "Dr. Skuba?"

PAGE FOUR: Doctor Skuba and Serafina talk outside of his apartment.

P.1.
Skuba: Hello, woman who also cared about water!
Serafina: Oh shit. You got that Darkseid look about you now.

P.2
Skuba: I've been talking to water lately! I have so much in common with it. It's all, "We oppress fish!" And I'm all, "I oppress those that don't look or act like me!" And it's all, "Cool!" And I'm all, "I know!"

P.3: As Skuba and Serafina talk, two men encased in water float nearby.
Skuba: The water wanted me to punish those guys who peed in it, so now I've encapsulated them in their own pee water!

P.4:
Skuba: Justice for all water and mankind who thinks and acts similarly to the way I do!

PAGE FIVE

P.1
Serafina laughing loudly: Ha ha! Good one! But, um, no.

P.2
Skuba: Have you ever peed in the pool, missy?!

P.3
Serafina: Of course not! [Is a Narration Box needed here to indicate she's lying or should we assume the reader knows she's lying since everybody has peed in a pool at least once in their lives? Maybe just let Skuba's reaction reveal the falsehood]

P.4
Skuba: No. You're just like them! No regard for the water!

P.5
Serafina: But you use toilets, right? That's water! You also defile the....
Skuba: Enough! The water has spoken! Everybody drowns!

Page Six.

PAGE SIX: Literal Splash Page. Ha ha! Doctor Skuba stands as a wave crashes down on Serafina and nearby pedestrians, flooding the apartment complex and the streets nearby.

Narration Box: I was all, "Oof!" and "Urgh!" and "Ack!" Then I thought about YouTube which is weird because I don't think anything called "YouTube" exists in the DC Universe. Isn't it called MeCardboardLightsaber or something stupidly tongue-in-cheek?

PAGE SEVEN: Doctor Skuba and Serafina tussle in the flooded neighborhood while all the stray cats drown.

P.1
Skuba: Water covers like 33% of the world's surface and I plan on claiming the other 65%! [Check facts and math on that before printing]
Serafina: Just like a fucking white male. Thinking you have to be the champion of the underrepresented! Have you asked the water what it wants? Do you think it really wants to be brought up on land where it's going to flood the sewer system and become more polluted than from just some drunk asshole throwing a piss balloon in a pool?

P.2
Skuba: Do not try to censor me, you dumb cunt! I have the right to say what I think the underrepresented really want without you telling me what you really want!
Serafina: Gross! Shut up! Give me back my enhancement! I'm sorry I ever felt sorry for you!

P.3
Skuba: You don't know everything I've done for the water! You don't know me! I've championed the water since whenever!
Serafina: Have another fucking cookie then, assmite.

P.4
Skuba: And now you drown!

PAGE EIGHT

P.1: Doctor Skuba creates a bubble of air around himself as he tries to drown Serafina.
Skuba: I cannot breathe water yet but soon! Soon I will wear all of water's accoutrements! I will speak in water slang! I will sport a waterfro! I will listen to gently roaring sounds of every ocean and when I ask The Indian Ocean if it's ever heard the sound of the Pacific Ocean and it says, "Why, no." I'll say, "Ha! I'm more water than you!"

P.2-4: As Doctor Skuba loses himself in his Evil Villain Monologue, Serafina pounces on him and pulls the enhancement from his back.
Serafina: Appropriate much!
Skuba: No! NO! That's mine now!
Serafina: It was never yours!

P.5: Serafina far out at sea as Doctor Skuba sinks beneath the waves.
Narration Box: And then I headed home without asking the water for kudos because I'm just trying to help out where I can, you know?

PAGE NINE: Serafina ends her story, scene shifts back to the present, Moonrider begins the story of his day. It begins in a hotel room with the other Forever People sitting around listening to Big Bear.

Last Panel
Big Bear: Based on the New God's studies of human behavior, as well as some extra information given to us by a cow, a dog, and three turkeys, these are the things we should do on New Years Eve to fit in: Wear a tiny hat. Explode tiny guns filled with paper. Blow on miniature and out of tune horns. Fuck wantonly. Imbibe dangerously of alcoholic brews. Scream and shout a lot to indicate we are enjoying ourselves and are not at all simply lost and lonely and trying to pretend we are happy amongst dozens of other people pretending in like manner.

Page Ten.

PAGE TEN: Panels with the Forever People reacting to Big Bear's revelations of what to do on New Year's. Make them up as you see fit.

PAGE ELEVEN: Keith, you're a pretty good writer. Just do whatever you want for Mark Moonrider's story. I have a fucking publishing company to run.

Page Eleven is just filled with doodles of naked Batwoman and naked Maggie Sawyer with Didio standing between them masturbating and cackling evilly.

At this point, the script changes noticeably in that before it was typed and organized while now it is scribbled and stained with wine, tears, and enchilada sauce.

PAGE WHATEVER: Fuck you, Dan Didio. I have a life. I have experience. I have tenure! Fucking only giving me half-pay on a book I write most of the jokes for! I'll show him. He loves his Jack Kirby creations so Goddamned much.

A Panel
Big Bear: "I'm a fucking New God but I'm so stupid that I don't understand the rotation of the planets or the way most alien cultures divide their planet's orbit around the sun into seasons and years!"
Some Other Forever Person. Whichever. They're All The Same: "Can we not just say the mystic chant of 'Happy New Year' and make the new year come already? DER!"

Another Panel
Black Vykin: "Duh! My chronothing says it's almost midnight and I don't feel weird at all!"
Big Bear: "Only proves my theory that we New Gods are bad ass motherfuckers! Yeah!"

Yet Another Panel
Black Bear: "More stupid bullshit because I'm the leader of the Earth Summer Reading Program but I know nothing! Brrrt!"

Final Panel Maybe
Black Bear: "Happy New Year, whatever that is!"

PAGE WHO CARES?

A Panel: Black Vykin sees kissing on the television.
Black Vykin: "Ho diddly doo! Now that's a new yar! Come here, whichever one of you I'm in a relationship with!"

Another Panel: Black Vykin and that other Forever Person kiss.
Mark Moonripper: "Get a room!"
Beauteous Dreamer: "This is a room! Oh! Kissing seems like a good time. Look at my bosoms and feel the heat of my crotchy area!"
Mark Moonriper: "I'm impotent! Or gay! Or a traitor! So I can't kiss you! Goodbye!"

Another Panel: Mark Moonracer runs from the room.

PAGE PAGEY: Back to Mark and Serafina sitting in the strip club.

A Panel
Serafina: "Wait. You're gay?"

Another Panel
Mark: "If by gay you mean I can't get it up for Dreamer due to amazing amounts of pressure and constantly thinking about how many other men she's been with and totally feeling oppressed by a changing society that's trying to castrate the white man and getting little sleep having to answer emails on the Meninist site I run, then yes. I mean, no, I'm not but it's that other stuff that has caused the stiff to vacate my stiffy."

Another Panel: Mark crying tons and tons of mantears as strippers pass by with disgusted looks on their faces.
Mark: Why is the world so hard for a white male cishet god!?

Another Panel
Serafina: "Oh, shut up. You're lucky you're hot and I'm horny and this comic book needs a little drama, so open up that mouth and take my vagina, you clod!"

PAGE NEARING THE END I HOPE: Fuck you, DidioOOOOOOOOOOOO!

A Panel
Serafina: "Let's promise to fuck later! I'm going back to the party to drop hints about us to Dreamer and watch her squirm!"

Another Panel: A mysterious woman approaches Mark from behind.
Mystery Woman: "Nice boner."
Mark: "It works! I'm in love!"

MORE PAGES UGH!

Some Panels: The Mysterious Stranger turns out to be that woman that lived near Big Bear's New Gods Complex Apartment or whatever. Leilani or something.
Leilani: "Let's fuck."
Mark: "What? NO! This boner is not for you!"
Leilani: "Why not? Prude."
Mark: "Slut!"
Leilani: "You will die by my father's hands and your bones shall be strewn amongst the wreckage of this planet!"
Mark: "Wait. What? Do I know you?"

Last Panel: Leilani skates off masturbating furiously.

Page Sixteen.

The last four pages of script are a printed out group text to penciller Daniel HDR from Didio and Giffen.

Didio: Goddamn it, Giffen! You were supposed to introduce the Lord Aagog plot hinted at from Futures End!
Giffen: Fack oo. I've drunk.
Didio: Daniel, make sure Mark doesn't let Leilani skate away. And she isn't fucking masturbating! Don't you dare try to sneak in some cute FAP sound effect or something!
Giffen: FAP FAP FAPPITY FAP FAP
Didio: If Julius Schwartz hadn't put that clause in your contract that forces DC to give you work until you die, I would so fucking fire you, Giffen!
Giffen: FAP FAP FAPPITY FAPPITY FOO!
Didio: Dan, make sure Mark explicates who Lord Aagog is and how he leads the cult of Yuga Khan who is Darkseid's father! You got that?
HDR: My last name is weird!
Giffen: Fiffee dollars unt no more, kay? hurry up boner failsing
Didio: Wrong text window, Giffen.
Giffen: WHoopsees!
Didio: Go ahead and just finish out the last few pages with a battle between Marc and Leilani, Thumpa, Killsandra, and Enchanthrax. Better known as The Femmes Fatales! I'm going to bed.
Giffen: Wait. wait wait wait wait wiait.
Didio: What?
Giffen: I love you! Bwa ha ha ha!

Infinity Man and the Forever People #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book was awesome! And then it was changed and printed differently. Whatever.

Infinity Man and the Forever People #6

Doesn't the title of this comic book make it sound like it should be more profound?

Friends Update!

Is this a Godhead tie-in because after the disaster on New Genesis, the Forever People Summer Exchange Program will be canceled? That's too bad because the Forever People have a lot more to learn from human beings. Like how to never give up! Or how to love unconditionally! Or how to always make the third thing in a list a joke! Humans! So predictable! And, um, special! Like nothing else in the universe!

By this point, I think most of DC's readers agree with you, Guy.

B'dg, Xbox One, Grill Face, and Guy Gardner just watch as the Forever People touch their Mother Box and scream, "Taaru!" What else can they do? I don't believe there is an intergalactic law against touching your Mother Box. There probably should be. But until then, the Green Lanterns know better than to shoot first and allow the Grand Jury not to indict later.

I think if I were more with it, as the kids say, this is where I'd make some kind of a Grindr joke.

Apparently Infinity Man isn't some kind of cosmic super hero but a cosmic therapist. He begins psychoanalyzing Guy Gardner which is probably the one thing above all other things you should do if you want to piss off Guy Gardner. Also all those other things would still probably piss off Guy Gardner. He is wearing a Red Ring for a reason.

B'dg, Xbox One, and Grill Face do a thing I've never seen Green Lanterns do although I've seen every character in every fucking cartoon in the eighties do it (and at least one in the seventies!): they join together to create a giant robot. They decide to make this one look like Darkseid which is probably something I didn't have to type since I already scanned the cover. Infinity Man just grows in size to match the construct, and Guy Gardner flies up into the construct's head to help pilot the thing. Mostly he wants to pilot the construct's fists and he wants to navigate them into Infinity Man's face.

Also, just so everybody remembers that I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, I made the fist comment before turning the page to the double splash page of Guy making the construct punch Infinity Man. Sure, y'all expected that would happen. What else is going to happen with Guy at the helm (I mean other than Infinity Man knocking him out in one punch)? But I just needed everybody to know that I said that it would happen and it happened exactly like I said it would happen. None of you said it would happen that way! You were all just thinking, "How could I have guessed that was going to happen when I'm smart enough not to bother even reading Infinity Man and the Forever People?"

Ugh! My Xbox One does this all the time when I'm trying to join a game with my friends! Stupid Xbox One! Do what you were designed to do and stop acting shocked that I'm asking you to do something you were designed to do!

During the brawl, King Faraday gets knocked unconscious. Is this a Futures End tie-in as well? Maybe it's not King Faraday. Maybe it's just some other pimp.

Of course it's King Faraday. Dan Didio desperately needs all of DC's stories to be somehow interconnected.

After Infinity Man does whatever he does to King Faraday (probably X-Rated), the Forever People chat over some coffee. It seems when they merge, they all get to share thoughts with each other and with Infinity Man. So they know what they have to do if they're ever going to be free of Infinity Man: kill Highfather!

Well, sure, but then you'll have to kill Darkseid too, right? Infinity Man doesn't like anybody with free will! He thinks we should all just lie down and succumb to the universe's will! He's an idiot, that guy.

Infinity Man and the Forever People #6 Rating: No change. While this was probably a pretty decent issue because it was mostly a Green Lantern issue starring Guy Gardner, it still wasn't compelling enough for me to recommend it to anybody. Ever.

FRIENDS UPDATE: Season One, Episode Four
This episode follows two of the friends as their pasts come back to haunt them: Rachel and Ross. Rachel is visited by some of her rich friends early in the episode which makes her realize that the life she has found herself living is actually a scary, indeterminate place. Her sudden revelation that she had lost the safety of her rich parents' upper class bubble slaps her across the face like a road weary lot lizard stiffed one time too many. It's her first inkling of the existential despair that infuses so much of the twenty-something lifestyle. It's not surprising that the entire scene is punctuated by the joyful screams of her friends as they learn about each one of their seeming successes in life. Rachel is also screaming internally as each of her friends' successes punctuates the sudden chasm of adulthood she hadn't quite noticed looming beneath her. A few times during this episode, credit card companies call to check in on her, just to remind her how lost she's become, and how far afield she's roamed away from security. While spending the night with her friends, instead of them making her feel better, she drags them down into the fear of the future with her. Phoebe describes Rachel as Jack of "Jack and the Beanstalk" at one point, and it's an adept analogy. Rachel has lost her cow, a symbol of stability and sustenance, and found herself with only a few scattered beans which she hopes are magic. The beans are her friends, of course.

The other half of the episode sees Joey and Chandler taking Ross with them to a hockey game to try to cheer him up. But he remains, as ever, a literal sack of potatoes. Ross's past has come back to haunt him as the day is the anniversary of the day he lost his virginity to the woman that would later become his lesbian wife. Ross is still mired in the past. He cannot get past his failed attempt at adulthood. While the others are happy to live in denial of adulthood and responsibility rushing headlong toward them, Ross cannot ignore it for he tried to live it immediately out of high school. This is probably why he is never any fun to be around and brings every scene to a grinding halt as the viewer thinks, "Why did somebody put a sweater on that literal sack of potatoes?" The revelation that Ross has only slept with one woman in the last seven years exposes something about his character that was not so readily apparent in earlier episodes: he is the male counterpart to Rachel's character. He is also a Newborn Babe to the group. He has been in stasis for seven years and is just entering the limbo of his twenties, just as Rachel is just now joining the limbo of her twenties having lost the safety net of wealth and class.

This episode constitutes a shedding of the skin of Rachel and Ross. They are learning to leave behind the warmth and safety of their previous lives, leaving them in the cold, brutal, emotionally draining real world. But now they have hope for something better even if seeking it out can be scary and risky. And they have their more experienced friends to help guide them by taking them to sporting events and getting them drunk at home as they peep through neighbors' windows.

The funniest moment in this episode is when Ross is struck in the nose by a hockey puck. It is a stark and sudden reminder that they are all lost in an uncaring and completely random universe. Hilarious.

Infinity Man and the Forever People #5

This comic book has been cancelled. Perhaps it's time for DiDio to realize that nobody likes his writing. Or is interested in reboots of Jack Kirby's creations? Except The Demon! And DiDio had better keep his hands off of The Demon! Also Nocenti's hands! Keep her hands off of Etrigan too!

I've already done two commentaries, so don't expect me to actually try to be funny or perceptive while writing this one! You can probably still expect me to be rude and belligerent though. Those don't take much effort.

Last issue ended with Guy Gardner realizing some of those asshole New Gods were vacationing on his planet. Since he's recently learned that those guys are total dicks, he's decided to kick them off of Earth for good. And maybe cancel their comic while he's at it, even if it takes his with it! Which it will! Because Red Lanterns has been canceled too! Probably because DC knows they don't have a deep enough roster of good writers to take over for Charles Soule. I mean, they could stick Nocenti on it. I'd actually be intrigued by her version! I'm sure she could figure out how to arc weld some random philosophy that has nothing to do with the Red Lanterns' reason for existence onto the hood of their organization.

I don't know if the last sentence of that last paragraph was a mixed metaphor or just random nonsense.

The issue begins with a meeting of New Genesis's version of Scientology. Or any other religion you can think of in the place of Scientology. They're all the same. This one believes that Darkseid and Highfather are huge dicks that probably shouldn't have killed their father and all of the Old Gods in the first place. Things have just gone downhill from there. But some priest guy has declared that he's the reincarnation of Yuga Khan, Darkseid and Highfather's Higherfather. It's all the standard religious rhetoric that causes needy and desperate fools to join up and ignore their one chance at true happiness in life. Although I suppose everything about life and reality is illusion anyway, so who cares what anybody wants to believe? As long as they don't expect me to believe in it as well, good for them. Also, they should stop believing that my belief that their beliefs are stupid bullshit is something I can't be allowed to believe. Go fuck yourselves.

"They think they've come to Earth to teach us wisdom. But they'll be surprised at how much they have to learn! -- Movie Poster Ad Copy for the upcoming New Gods Teen Romp Flick.

Guy Gardner and the New Gods battle on the beach for a few pages. I suppose it's more entertaining than if they'd exchanged a bunch of dick pics. Maybe. Eventually Mark Moonrider steps up to knock out Guy Gardner in one punch. Or Moonblast. Whatever his stupid super power is.

But before the New Gods can throw Guy Gardner in a Miracle Prison, Guy's reinforcements arrive!

I didn't know an Xbox One could become a Green Lantern!

Infinity Man and the Forever People Rating: This comic book makes no sense. I guess it's the result of DC needing to fill 52 slots every month (at least as often as they can. Counting the weekly titles as four books per month (and sometimes five, the bastards!), I think the current count of titles is 55 or something. Math is hard). If they're going to publish comic books that nobody is interested in reading, they should just begin titles with names like "Dan Smith, Resident of the Multiverse" or "Pam Washington, Data Entry Specialist." You could remind everybody that these mundane characters are part of DC Continuity by occasionally having Superman seen flying by through a window, or a news report on television mentioning Batman. It could be just as entertaining as this hogwash! To be fair, that's how I feel about this comic book in general. I actually kind of enjoyed Guy's appearance here. I'm a sucker for Infinity Man and the Forever People's gratuitous guest appearances! Next month I'll probably enjoy it because of B'dg and the Xbox One Lantern!

Infinity Man and the Forever People #4

This should be the November Variants! Bat-Cow covers! I'd request that variant! Although I wouldn't have known to request that variant since I never know what's coming up. Hey! If a Bat-Cow Variant Month ever happens, somebody let me know in time to request them!

Remember that television show Lost? Remember how I constantly mention how it really screwed up when the writers decided the characters weren't in Purgatory because too many people on the internet guessed that was what was going on? Here's another reason why you know it was supposed to be Purgatory: the Flashbacks. The flashbacks were there to show what kind of a person the character was when they were alive and how they were changing or repenting or staying the same or falling further to evil. In a show where the characters are merely on a weird island taken over by a near mystical corporation, the flashbacks don't mean nearly as much. Which is why they changed to flashforwards and, finally, to flashafterlifes.

Also, for the people that only really watched the show to find out what the smoke monster was (it was a smoke monster that made roller coaster noises), the final season didn't mean they were all dead the whole time. The flashafterlifes were just what the characters were doing in Lost's new version of Purgatory as they all waited to move on together. So they were really just all waiting for everybody involved to die. Not counting the drunk drivers. They all went to hell immediately.

This issue is called "Milk Run" because dry cereal is awful.

At the end of last issue, The Forever People were involved in a BOOM Tube accident.

And by "topography," Serafina means "billboard."

Batman is involved in dairy farming? I don't think Batcow would be very pleased to learn this! Dairy Farmers are the leading cause of people feeling bad about eating baby boy cows. It's a fact! I bet Batman is actually experimenting with weaponized cows. At least that would be less vile than dairy farming.

I said it's a fact! Don't fucking argue with me! Dairy is evil! Except Ben and Jerry's which is fucking delicious! And probably all the other ice cream too. And butter. And strawberry milk.

Oh no! That's the most difficult cardinal direction in which to make your way!

That last caption probably would have been a good place to make my traditional "mother box" joke! Oh well. I guess I'll have to wait for another opportunity to equate the female genitals with a container.

I bet Giffen and DiDio just laughed and laughed about Batcow licking Mother Box. It's an innuendo!

Why is Batcow in Ventura, California? I bet Batcow is on a secret mission to catch Jokercow! Or maybe she's on vacation with Catcow!

The Forever People are morons who need Batcow to show them how to travel south. Not that you have to be a moron to be less smart than Batcow! It's just, well, they are morons.

Meanwhile on New Genesis, Infinity Man tells Hymen that he's going to help Highfather. That's a lie! Last issue, he said that Highfather and the people of New Genesis were just as dangerous as Darkseid and the monstrosities of Apokolips! He said ordering the universe was just as bad as chaoticking the universe! I think the Infinity Man has some hidden, selfish motivations!

Anyway, I thought Infinity Man could only appear while the Forever People were singing songs to Mother Box? And then don't they take his place in Infinity while he forces people to stop doing everything they're doing because they're interfering with the natural order of things?

Back on Earth, the bus The New Gods take to go south takes sixteen hours to get from Ventura to Venice Beach. I think that's Dan DiDio's commentary on how shitty bus travel is. Or the people of DC have no idea how to look at a map. I think it might be that one since practically nobody at the company knows that Antarctica and The Arctic are two separate places.

What?

Is there a reason this comic book needed to be created (besides Dan DiDio's obsession with rewriting everything Jack Kirby ever created)? Am I supposed to be learning something about human nature when viewed through the eyes of a New God? Is it about the slapstick adventures of out-of-place foreigners getting their bearings in a new and strange land? I thought the New Gods were supposed to teach earthlings how to be grown up citizens of the universe but the New Gods are getting directions from cows, so how wise can they be? It's drawn and partially written by Keith Giffen so I guess it's supposed to be funny? Maybe? I mean funny in that way that Giffen is funny where he comes up with an average joke and tells it fifteen times in the same book.

Oh! I get it! Ha ha! They pissed in the pool! Didn't they read the sign that said, "This is our _ool. Notice it has no 'P' in it. Please keep it that way"?

The man cleaning the pool is Doctor Skuba. That's an evil scientist name if I ever heard one! And I have heard one. I've heard many! He tells Serafina that his hatred for those that would befoul water knows no bounds! Bwa ha ha ha!

He doesn't laugh like Giffen would have made him laugh. I added that! Because Giffen probably just forgot to add it. Or he'll do it later. Or maybe he can't use that laugh unless J.M. DeMatteis is co-writing.

Why didn't she use that cartridge on Batcow?!

I think I just realized what genre this comic book is! It's a teenaged college shenanigans comedy! Cow craziness! Road trips! Pool parties! Repeat offenders! Women losing their tops! Men making gay jokes about each other because being gay is gay (even though it is college which is the most appropriate time for a heterosexual to be gay). I can't wait until they prank the Dean!

But first the New Gods Greek House has to get into a crazy battle with the other main Greek House of Earth, Gamma Lipschitz Coitus.

AKA The Red Lanterns!

Infinity Man and the Forever People #4 Ranking: No change. Batcow saved this issue because I can't rank down a comic book that has Batcow in it! Even though it didn't make sense for Batcow to be in California. Sure, I know the cover said it was a gratuitous appearance! But I still hope that Batcow's trip to California will remain in continuity and Peter J. Tomasi will work it into Batman and Robin.

Futures End: Infinity Man and the Forever People #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

For a few weeks now, HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea has been down. All pirate broadcasts have been blocked. The only stations left to listen to in Old York are Realfeel™ Sphincters "Go Go DC Comics Happy Super Show," Marvel Moguls Inc's 24 hour gabfest, "Your Fans Are the Worst," and Dynamite Jizzbang's "News of the Moment." Two out of those three stations being aural trainwrecks, most of those still in Old York choose to listen to Dynamite Jizzbang's "News of the Moment."

"And we're back, ya twat guzzlers. Put off the clit pickling for two cumjuggling seconds and listen to the latest ass slapping exclusive fire report from 'News of the Moment.' Half of our beautifully shaved mons veneris of a city is up in rectum pounding flames as I speak (and masturbate slowly under the desk, you naughty, naughty listeners). But don't get your labias twisted, girls! It seems the jagged-nail fingerbanging fires are being contained in that pussy fart section of Old York known as the Cheap Seats. If that beautiful big-O wind keeps blowing and licking and teasing in the manner it's doing now, us residents in Upper Manhating shouldn't have to pluck a nipple hair about it. It's business as usual and the usual business is fucking. So pop those pills, pussy eaters, and relax because right now we've got a tongue lashing entertainment report on DC Comic's latest erectile dysfunction, Futures End: Infinity Man and the Forever People. Here's Peon Mia Zadora with the review."

"Thanks, Shyrral. What woman has ever actually known an 'infinity man?' Please motherfucker! They might not all be Two Pump Chumps but even if they are down to pound, you know they'll still be a No-O Gigolo, right ladies? Go ahead, keep pounding that flaccid little wee wee into my golden hole hoping it don't fall out and expose your inability to keep from pleasing yourself before you please me. As if I didn't already know you'd gone soft. Even if your flaccid hog is big enough to feel inside me, I still had to watch that stupid look come across your face that was a mix of terror, pleasure, and homophobia as you realized you just came inside me while thinking about baseball stats. Is it no wonder women prefer women? They don't have some useless tool they can't stand owning and not using even though, in most cases, it's the wrong fucking tool for the job. You know when you go to hammer in a nail, you don't pound the surface an inch or two beneath the fucking nail, right? Just drop the fucking hammer and get out the socket wrench, bitch. I got me a chubby little screw needs torquing.

"This issue of Futures End: Infinity Man and the Forever People is called 'Before I Wake' and was written by Dan DiDio and Keith Giffen, so you know it's going to be overblown man-pap full of pseudo-profound dialogue and over-reaching bullscat narration."

"Ugh. It's like they just want me to watch them masturbate."

"The issue begins with Mark 'I can't please Dreamer so she constantly dreams about Darkseid's apokoliptic cock' Moonrider waking up from a nightmare and needing to be consoled by Dreamer."

"Fucking scrotum. How does he not know what to do with that? I'm wet just thinking about how ineffectual and inept he is."

"For those of you who doubted the brain within this panties dropping physique, Moonrider and Dreamer soon begin engaging in that pseudo-profound dialogue I mentioned would be filling this book. What they should be engaging in is a post-coma rage fuck. I know, I know: this isn't a Dynamite Jizzbang comic. I don't how anybody can read this bile. What's the opposite of engorged because that's what's going on downstairs at my party palace right now. I think this book has turned my cunt into a new space-time phenomenon where time has stretched out to massive boredom and space has been relegated to a tiny, parched, shriveled singularity that used to be a loving oasis of full of endlessly running waters and squooshy exotic fruits."

"The dialogue if this were a Dynamite Jizzbang comic: 'You're coming and not coming. The only place where fucking and not fucking can coexist.' 'You're talking about God's asshole.'"

"Dreamer goes on to explain to the reader what the Cadmus Singularity is and to tie it into DC Continuity because fuck forbid a story doesn't somehow tie itself into every other story in the DC Universe, thus assuring that the most clumsy and horribly written title of the tethered together bunch pulls them all from the mountain when it falls. Hmm, that was unlike me. That metaphor wasn't sexy at all! I'm sure I could have turned it into some kind of analogy about an impotent asshole at a massive orgy with the biggest cumguzzling leg-spreaders on the planet. Fuck it, the moment is gone!"

"Umf. With shots like this, how can I keep my hands out of my panties? Oh, who am I kidding? When is the last time I wore underwear? Whoops, excuse me. I meant 'panties.' I'm contractually obligated to call my underwear 'panties.'"

"I know it's hard to believe, but there is more going on in that panel than huge fucking tits. See how Dreamer is holding his arm and pulling him away from whatever he's looking at? When that happens, who says, 'Don't walk away from me?' Maybe 'Let me go, you fucking spooge spitter.'

"After this scene, guess what happens? Something else that never happens in Dynamite Jizzbang comics! That fucking man gets physical with Dreamer. Sure, most of the Dynamite Jizzbang comics take place in a universe where all men have been eradicated. But they do publish the occasional Alternaworlds story where men and women interact. But you'll never see a man that thinks he can touch a woman any fucking way he wants. Perhaps a moment like this might happen now and again at Jizzbang, but that man doesn't live longer than that fucking panel where he touched that woman against her will. But even those stories can get needlessly rape cultury, so they're mostly frowned upon. Easiest way to destroy the rape culture was to get rid of the men. Okay, sure, women still occasionally rape other women in Dynamite Jizzbang comics but it's done in really fucking sexy ways where nobody feels threatened and everybody gets really turned on. And it never involves any kind of penetration because that would be wrong and disgusting. And it always ends in orgasms for the victim who actually really wanted to be turned on to lesbianism but was just too shy and timid to give it a try without a little push."

"Such a man thing to say."

"I kind of lose interest as I read because there just isn't enough female on female oral sex and/or rimjobs happening on-panel. Plus, it turns out Moonrider died a long time ago and now Dreamer is spending her life sleeping so she can dream him into existence. Fuck you, DC Comics. She's a powerful woman that has her own life to live and you think it's somehow romantic that she would live her life for a man that isn't even real? Even if he was real, fuck him. He's an asshole. He betrayed the team. He says he loves Dreamer but acts in ways counter to that statement. Eat my twat, dicks. No, don't. Stay away from my beautiful flower of power and go slam your testes in a car door. The only good thing about this comic book is the shots of Dreamer's cleavage and her just barely covered ass. Sometimes a girl just wants to feel sexy without having naked woman parts shoved directly into her mouth. And this book had just the right amount of titillation for a nice slow soak with a glass of wine that may or may not end up in a sensual self-rubdown and possible date with a running bathtub faucet. That's it for News of the Moment's Entertainment Report. Back to Shyrral."

"Thanks for that, Peon Mia. We have some fast pounding breaking news for you! It seems, somehow, HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea has broken through the pirate radio jammer and has begun her heavy vibrational show once again. This statement probably isn't the feelings of Dynamite Jizzbang comics but I think I need to say it: Fuck me, I love her fucking show. Way to go, Goggles! Bring it all back!"

"Meanwhile, those ass pounding fires I warned you that you didn't need to be warned about? You probably need to be warned about them. I'm as serious as a vibrator. Looks like Upper Manhating needs to evacuate. This'll be the last warning from me because Peon and I are getting the fuck gone right now!"

Futures End: The Phantom Stranger #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Clorox Cola Theater Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea!

Welcome back, Scanners! Old Goggs hopes dat youse alls pickin up dis broadcasts, ja? Sees it, yer ol' pal Goggs hadda movem dat tenna down onna lower balcony und cover 'er allup inna garbage sacks and brokeded furnichairs. Seems dem Long Boxes gits windy that Goggs graspin a gargaton collection of dem Formertime comics. Dems Long Boxes jacked dem a Dynamite distribution drone what been combin' da sky touchers fer signs of broadcastin quipmens, feels? Dem NB-words sayin ta demselfs and each others, "That shtupid shlut Gogglesh, she thinksh she'sh sho fuckin' great shitting up there in her fucking palash, untouchable, free to shay whatever she fuckin wantsh. Fucking bitch gonna fucking pay! Get our drone down to the corner of Fifth Shquared and have it follow her recording drone back to her hidey hole. Then we'll fucking show her what a real fucking comic book fan can do!"

Ja, ja, Old Goggs know youse wonderem how she knowit what dem monsters uz sayin, bets? Old Goggs gots more techknowhow den recortin' drones, I tells ya true. Dem Long Boxes fink dem da onny fuckin dusters what can apprecilike dis here littyrapture. Gotsta keep tabs on dem and dere nonsenses, sees? Dey mostly inta all dem spank trades by HerSimone anydust, sos Goggles knows dey jess affer her cause she a girl got more brains, muscles, wits, and cajones den dey gots. Hecks, Old Goggs pobably gots a biggertop long john bonger den alluvem puts togedder, feels? Dey also pobably still bits and pieces sore acause a dat raid by The Deep Stacks. Loss mos' a dere bop books and ain't got noways ta see some titties.

Anydust, story shorterfied, Old Goggs hadda blow da recortin' drone ta take outs da Long Boxes Dynamite Drone sos dey coulda na striangulate her. Apologems ta da lower voices fer da short rad and HerSimone porn shower.

Anydusters git dems grubbers onna copy dis here Phantom Stranger Old Gogg jess misfortunate nuff ta have read? Boy, dis here be merde, no? Crapageddon! Why be DC still lettin Dan DiDio fink up dis pseudo-philodogma bullscat? Woulda funk DiDio be done pennin' stink onafter he gettem hisdelf stuck inna comic book in dat lenticulation axdent. Guessin someduster figger DatMatteis able ta translate crapshit inta words what noduster wants ta read anydust. Guess wes ain't gots much choice nohow nopaths anykind seeins how dem DC Delivery Drones jess drops downdown whatevems dey drops and wes jess gotsta suck up dere leavins ifn we specta haff somefin ta reads. Anydust, check some dis fuckfuck, feels?

Ever time, Gogg swears, ever fuckin' times. Youse get bunches a murdermens sittin' bout und dey begins callins each uvver liars. Y'all fuckin murdermen, ya Massengills! Acourse ya all liars too!

Dis here minds Goggs of dis urban been spreadin' updowns da sky touchers last few minutes. Seemin, mayhaps, someduster be organatin a meetin' a da Old York Gangs fer some secret reason (not a Secret reason! Ain't got nodustergang up here Old York way give any calculation a shits bout The Goddess, ya feels?). Mos' paranauts finkin' da big mens behind da ruse be The Illumimasons. But everduster knows dem fucks donnit existem at all, ja? Murder stories fer kinderen, wut dat bein'. But stills, Old Goggs fink dere mayhaps be somefin to da urbans. She gots some friendies allupin da Techknow Ratfinks and she hearded more den one sordid bout shadowy meetings in dem darkdark alleys. Old Goggs ain't got the knowit right now but she keepin open her aurals, what?

So dis here funfun littyrapture book be all bout followin' orders and feelin' obligatored ta acts outta guilt and a desires fo da 'demption. And if'n ya does yer duties and follow dat straights an' arrows, ya gonna git full up riches when ya corpse it. What a loada bullscat, sees? How da fuckity did dat Formertime civilzation fall for dem Ways of the Liard blahblah fer so many round trips? "Don't 'spect nuttin' in life and ya gonna git da major windyfalls post-grave, dumb dumbs!" How dey all fall fer dat scat but all fought The Secret was some upup-nose nonsenses? Old Goggs knows dat dis life be sumfin, even if it jess mosly llusions and missed erections and shiz. Old Goggs feels dis here breathin' and sufferin' and orgasmin good times, feels her? So why she gonna miss out on alla dat fer a skeezy promise from dat cannibal zombie cult? The Secret of The Goddess tellin us all dat goodness be ours heres and nows, sees? Takes it up, puts it on Da Boards, and fink on it til its in yer hands, ja?

Now, Old Goggs didna jess a'cept dat Goddess stuff mitout everdence, aight? No, no. She applicated it early on when da Dusty Stretches didna seem likely ta be all dat long. She gits out a board and she writes, "Old Goggs wanna be Major of Saint Lois so she can tell da councils ta tear down dat stupid fuckity arch." And guessem whats, Scanners?! She and Prof and Skates and Little Tokyo and Cummerbund and Shizgiggles and Tallyforth and Alice B Toklas, we fuckin does it, see? So dats when Old Goggs begin finkin, "Whats if, ya know? Jess whats if?" And she applicated da lessons she membered fum da Goddesses three PM churching, and she beginned gettin ever fing she ever desirem. She gots some shiz manerfestations up onna her board now dat she hopin' gonna come frough real soon, feels her? Real fuckin' soon.

Fuck yo 'ternal sweet rewards. Old Goggs gonna take it all right here y now!

Dat's it for dis week, what? Not much ta say bout dis Dan DiDio Way of the Liard propaganda, sees it? I be 'sposin' DiDio's ideas haff allwaysever been as flat and pretendy dimensionals as he's become now what he bein' a lenticulated represension of his Formertime self. Member, Scanners, keep The Secret! And keep yer kidney shields on straight when venturin' out mongst the lower voices lest ya find yerself a victim of Shivilization!

Infinity Man and the Forever Making Fornication Jokes People #3

Oh yeah! Touch that box, you New Genesissians! Touch it hard! I mean gently! Whichever way mothers like their boxes touched best! Not that I don't know. I totally know! But I probably shouldn't say for some secret reason having to do with thinking about the children. Not that I think about children while touching women's secret areas!

People constantly say (at the expense of saying things like, "How was your day?" or "I hope you're happy" or "Do you want to get naked with me?") that when you get to the end of your life, it's not the things you did but the things you didn't do that you'll regret. Can anybody ever say anything more depressing?! There's only so much time to do shit during your life! When you're old and gray and sitting in a comfy chair eating chocolate covered chocolate to your heart's content, you're going to regret a lot of fucking shit because you'll inevitably have done less stuff than you didn't do! You'll sit there crying all over your smudgy, sticky clothes thinking, "Boy! I wish I hadn't spent so much time doing that one thing I loved when I could have been doing that other thing I think I would have really liked a lot!" You'll also stare at your spouse sitting across from you with chocolate smeared all over your spouse's face and think, "Why did I spend all those years loving just this one person? It was so great but wouldn't it have been better if I'd loved, like, six people just as much?! At least I could have ended up with a spouse that kept out of my fucking chocolate." Then you'll die and cease to exist and you won't regret all that time you spent regretting stuff because you don't fucking exist. Aren't you paying attention? It's like I'm writing for five year olds!

No wait. It's like I'm writing like a five year old. Sorry!

The words "infinity" and "forever" suck because they make me think how my life is "definite" and "terminal." Also the word "people" isn't that great either because fuck other people. Right in the face! You know, if they'll let you. You don't want to regret not having fucked people in the face when you're at the end of your life. Because, believe me, it's pretty awesome.

Why is Rod Serling narrating this issue?

The Forever People have found themselves inside Infinity which probably is as disgusting as it sounds being that one of the characters is named Infinity Man. Plus there's a ton of undigested lettuce lying all over the place, so I'm guessing they're in the Small Eternal Intestine of Infinity. Another reason I think they might be in Infinity Man's bowels: Jim Starlin's art looks like shit. Brozingo!

It's really funny when I say "Brozingo" in response to something I wrote that I thought was funny but not really laugh out loud funny but definitely insulting funny! I bet it's hysterical every single time somebody reads it!

Blah blah blah blah! Infinity Man is an idiot!

I think what the Infinity Man is trying to say is that he doesn't like how the chaotic evolution of the universe created a couple of assholes that now decided that the universe should be shaped in their image. So he's going to reorder the universe by stopping Highfather and Darkseid, going against the natural course of prescribed evolution that created Highfather and Darkseid in the first place! What a hypocrite!

I don't mind that Infinity Man wants to stop Highfather and Darkseid with mucking about in Life and Anti-Life Equations and general universal nonsense. But I do despise his holier than thou attitude while doing it! The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was allowing Dan DiDio to run DC Comics. Hmm, I think I got off track somewhere.

Does Dan DiDio think his legacy is to rewrite all of Jack Kirby's works? I guess we all know who will be writing The Demon when he gets his own monthly title. I'm surprised he's letting Ann Nocenti write Klarion the Witch Boy. I'm surprised he lets Ann Nocenti write anything!

It's Preying Mantis! With an "E"!

Why does there always have to be a test? Can't heroes be chosen because the person choosing the heroes has watched them and studied them and decided they'd be excellent for the job? Enough with all the fucking tests already! You hear me, United States of America School System?!

Mantis gets away without being healed, so I guess that means The Forever People failed the test! Also, the Forever People weren't inside Infinity at all. They were just in a warehouse a few yards away from where they summoned Infinity Man. I guess in-between issues, Infinity Man pulled Mantis into Infinity and carried the Forever People into the barn to get them out of the sun.

Beautiful Dreamer (who apparently isn't so beautiful in The New 52 because everybody just calls her "Dreamer") falls into a fugue state where she speaks with the Anti-Life Equation who has decided to live in her head. It probably taunts her with visions of the next Cosmic Crisis that the Green Lanterns are going to find themselves in. Someone named Lord Aagog is doing something that will cause something to happen somewhere and some people will have to react or something. I bet he only chose the name "Aagog" so he would be listed first in the Cosmic Yellow Pages (which the Green Lanterns could never use). I bet Lord Aagog was pissed when the cosmic dance club, "Aaagogo," opened its doors.

Everyone just looks annoyed that they have to deal with Dreamer and her stupid dreams.

Some of the Forever People say some stupid things and some of the other Forever People say some other stupid things. It's like whoever is scripting this comic book (Dan DiDio!) doesn't have time to actually care about how the characters interact. Almost the exact same way it seems like Jim Starlin doesn't care how the characters look! What else are they doing that's so important that they don't have time to care about this book they're selling to their fans? Also, when is Warworld going to make an appearance?

Somebody call a doctor! Her eyes are leaking oil! I mean, call a mechanic!

I should also mention that the Anti-Life Equation went out of its way to make Dreamer think that Mark Moonrider was going to betray her. So you can rest easy that Mark Moonrider will not betray anybody.

Later there's a scene back on New Genesis where some guy named Hymen (he invented the Mother Box. It's all starting to make sense now, isn't it? Okay fine. His name is actually Himon. But we all know what Kirby meant!) has been told that Infinity Man has made an appearance. Hymen doesn't want anybody to know about it because Hymen is a sketchy motherfucker that's probably working both sides of the New Genesis/Apokolips rivalry. Anyway, the defective Mother Box that now summons Infinity Man was supposed to kill The Forever Kids but it didn't. For some reason that has to do with some woman and her boyfriend. My guess is the woman is Bekka, Hymen's daughter, and the boyfriend is Orion. And this will all be settled in that Green Lantern catastrophe that's going to happen in a month or two.

Back in Africa, Vykin has a problem with the Boom Tube because instead of creating a tube and going "BOOM!", it goes "FOOOM!" and creates an explosion. I hope he sent in the warranty card.

Infinity Man and the Forever People #3 Rating: -1 Ranking. The creative team simply wasn't trying very hard in this issue. I don't think Keith Giffen added much to the script because none of the lame jokes were repeated fifteen different times.