Birds of Prey #34

Now King Shark doesn't look like a hammerhead. Does DC Comics not have one single fucking reference picture for this character?!

Gail Simone mentioned that she thought it was a shame that Birds of Prey was cancelled. She's completely wrong. The comic was horrible for a good portion of its New 52 run. It was a confusing mess that never went anywhere and never made any sense while Swierczynski was writing it. The characters acted like fucking idiots with no memory of any of their own past actions, and that was even when Choke wasn't stealing their memories. Birds of Prey should have been canceled before Christy Marx took over. She spent way too much time trying to remold the clay. And then she found out it wasn't clay she was working with but shit. It's been decent to fun for a few issues now that Marx has finally got the shitship entirely under her control. But it's too late to save it. And, at this point, who fucking cares?

What DC should have done is cancelled it before giving it to Christy and then rebooting it under Christy Marx a few months later in the same way they did for the Teen Titans and the Suicide Squad. I don't think DC has enough writers willing to waste their time washing and cleaning and fixing characters the way Jeff Lemire did for Green Arrow. At this point in The New 52, just jettison shitty books and bring them back with new creative teams a few months later. That way you don't have to hurt Ann Nocenti's feelings every time you remove her from a book so that a better writer can take over. DC can just tell her, "Oh, sorry. The book wasn't doing very good and we had to cancel it." Then bring it back in a few months! Ann Nocenti won't even notice because she's too busy researching topics on Wikipedia and taking notes on the lingo! Now if only she would learn how the lingo is used instead of just dropping it into the comic book helter skeletor!

Before I begin reading this issues, let me just say a little prayer. Please hold hands with any stranger near you and lower your head. But not so much that you can't read the prayer since I won't be reading out loud for you. You're going to have to do that yourself.

"Dearest God who art in wherever thou art, Owl be thine name. Please don't let Ann Nocenti irrevocably fuck up Klarion the Witch Boy. You saw how maltreated Katana was at her hands, did you not? Of course you did! You see everything! I know I never ask you for anything, mostly because I don't believe you exist, but if you do this one thing for me, I promise to never masturbate again. I bet you get that deal all the time, don't you, God? It must be disgusting! Having to imagine the hands clasped in prayer are covered in jizz and vaginal secretions? Gross! Anyway, here is the thing I would like for you to do, and if you can't do it, I hope Christy Marx does: please kill Condor. Make him dead in the way that comic book characters die where they don't ever come back. I don't know how you do that but please do it. Maybe have him explode on an island but show his head wash up on shore and his body being devoured by Killer Krill. Or sharks! Yeah, do the shark thing! Sharks are better. Sorry, sorry! I probably shouldn't tell you how to do your job. Should I be capitalizing your pronouns? Anyway, you do that and I'll be forever grateful and crap! Thanks a ton, God! Your friend, Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!"

Hmm, maybe you shouldn't have read that prayer since I signed it from myself. Oh well, it can't hurt, right?

Oh! One more thing, God! Please let Amanda and Kurt have a baby named Havana! That will make me look really impressive to my readers. Thanks!

Amanda's big secret is that Kurt only married Dinah to make her happy. Wait. Why is that a secret? Am I missing something? Maybe Amanda took too many blows to the head before revealing her secret. She's probably just confused and will mention Havana in the next scene between Black Canary and herself. Until then, it's time for more battling between the Squad and the Prey.

Boomerang battles Batgirl and I think she wins when she's offended by Digger calling her weapons "boomerangs" and she says, "They're batarangs!" That's showing him, Babs! Strix battles Harley until Deadshot comes along and puts a five or six bullets into her.

I don't think people "dodge" bullets as much as flinch, shit, and scamper in random directions.

The battle is derailed when a bunch of terrorist thugs attack. Since Batgirl needs to keep the hostage safe, she figures she can lose Condor in the upcoming battle and sends him off with Mambety (the hostage!). And then she asks Deadshot to help her defend Mambety from the thugs attacking them with weapons. She even calls him "gun guy" so she knows exactly what she's doing. She's basically hiring Deadshot to kill these people! I suppose it's not too different from hiring a Talon to work on your team.

With his daughter Havana? Dancing on Condor's grave?

I haven't scanned any pictures of King Shark yet but, trust me, he gets bigger in every fucking panel he appears in. Where is that reference pic for King Shark, DC?!

Canary and Waller end the battle and their teams go their separate ways. As they leave, Digger says he could go for a couple of Foster's. I knew he was only pretending to be Australian!

Later, Kurt chooses Amanda over Dinah and Dinah tries to cry on Barbara's shoulder. But Barbara's shoulder has gone cold! She's all, "We were once best friends but not anymore because this book is cancelled and this is as good a reason as any to break up the Birds of Prey! I hate you!" Then she kills Condor and everybody lives happily ever after.

Oh! I forgot about Strix! Mother Eve offers to give Strix a Stephen Hawking voice so that she can communicate with the Batgirl. I bet the first thing she says is, "You have a Bat-Everything and you couldn't even come up with a Bat-Tablet for me to write messages on?!"

Birds of Prey #34 Rating: No change. I'm tempted to rate it as the worst comic book that was ever written because Condor lived no matter how many times I wrote he died and then deleted the sentence because I was hoping he'd die later. Finally, he didn't die so I just left in that he died because I hate him and I wish he'd died. If DC ever comes out with a New 52 Who's Who, I'm skipping the "C" issue. All in all, this run of Birds of Prey has been shitty at its worst and not as shitty at its best.

Birds of Prey #33

A perfectly good pun ruined by Black Canary kicking Amanda instead of punching her.

I seem to remember last issue ended with the Birds of Prey in a sparse African landscape being confronted by the Suicide Squad. Obviously, Canary and Amanda will be moving the action to a city later. Hopefully this fight takes place at Condor's funeral after King Shark bites off his head which was crushed by Harley's hammer and riddled full of Deadshot's bullets. I won't even mention where the boomerang wound up.

His pee pee hole! I couldn't resist mentioning!

I'm one of those people that can't help spilling beans all over the place. If somebody tells me something in confidence that I'm not supposed to mention to anybody else ever, I can do that. No problem. That secret is safe with me! Especially if it's a really boring secret since I have more important things to remember that involve me. But if somebody begins telling me something and then adds, "You can't tell X or Y I told you!" or "Q can't know that you know!" then forget it. All bets are off! I don't keep a fucking spreadsheet in my mind so I can keep track of who can know what information and who can't know what I know. Because if I have some information that is okay to tell any number of people, that information will be used for a really good fucking joke at some point! And that joke might be made in front of the people that aren't supposed to know the information or know that I know it or whatever.

The good thing is that I'm really honest about how unreliable I am with secrets! Most of my friends know that if I know something that shouldn't be known by somebody else, I shouldn't be allowed near the person that shouldn't know! So at least they can kind of keep me in check since I can't be bothered to remember all of that shit. And if somebody begins a statement with conditions on who can know the information, I'm very upfront about saying, "I don't want to know. If you value whatever thing you're afraid to lose if this person finds out, do not fucking tell me!" If they insist on telling me, then I insist on apologizing immediately for when I will invariably let the information slip.

That had nothing to do with Birds of Prey! Why don't I have an editor? Shouldn't an editor be sending this back to me with notes on it saying, "What the fuck was that, stupid?" and "Stay focused on the comic book, dickbreath." Then I'd have to fire them for using the term "dickbreath" because using that as an insult is like saying there is something wrong with people who like to put dicks in their mouths. And everybody with a dick knows that those people are fucking heroes.

I don't use the word "hero" lightly in my every day life! You'll never catch me calling your every day average soldier a hero! Seriously, show me that you saved a brown person's kitten or something and maybe I'll call you a hero. But to earn the title hero for just not knowing what to do with your life so you joined the military? Bah! If that's you and you want to be called hero, I need to see a dick in your mouth.

That was probably really disrespectful to military personnel, wasn't it? I blame the editor I don't have who would have stopped me from printing that last paragraph! Damn you, Matilda!

I just know my editor would be named Matilda. "Matilda the Hero" everybody in the office would call her. No, not because dicks and mouths! Because she would bring fresh baked, frosted brownies to work every day!

This issue is called "Pretty Lies and Ugly Truths." I really like that title because it's an ugly truth in and of itself. I once wrote some thing where I challenged Keats's phrase, "Truth is beauty; beauty, truth. That is all you need to know and knowing is half the battle." I think that's pretty close to the exact saying. Anyway, my response was thusly thus:

Beauty isn't really truth. Nor is truth beauty. Beauty is an illusion. A cover-up. It's misdirection and sentimentality and illuminating and inspiring and awesome. But truth is harsh and ugly and blunt and the bottom line. Art is a lie that both conceals and reveals at the same. And why would someone want to believe the lie? Who wants to live forever in eternal bliss when we have the cold, hard truth of the grave awaiting us? Right, Lyle?

Lyle was some guy that asked me a question back when I co-wrote a website called No Apologies! Press. He asked this question: "Why do some people, who seemingly live in the same world that I do, believe in a literal interpretation of the Bible, or a bunch of other like-type books for that matter?" Surprisingly, I took the side of the people that believe the literal interpretation of The Bible. Probably because Lyle asked his question as if I was automatically going to agree with him. Lyle, you dick! Stop trying to put the answer to the question inside the fucking question! But also thank you for naming my other project, "Lyle's Study Guide for the Literal Interpretation of The Bible for Dumb Dumbs."

"Tess! Start writing about the fucking comic book or no brownies for you, you shit-that's-having-trouble-sliding-out-of-an-old-lady's-sphincter!" Matilda would probably yell. What a taskmaster!

The fact that King Shark is eleven times bigger than he's been in the past is less disturbing than the pouches all over Deadshot's chest.

I've thought about it for awhile and I've come to a realization: I'm really excited about Ann Nocenti's Klarion the Witch Boy! She fucked up Green Arrow, Katana, and Catwoman so badly that I can't wait to see how much worse she can get turning Klarion's witchy powers into a metaphor for technology out of control! Oh she's going to shit all over that assignment, isn't she?!

What do you think Deadshot keeps in his ammo pouches? My guess is lipstick, lifesavers, a butt plug, and some handi-wipes. If they were bigger, I'd suggest he keeps some chum in one of them to partial out to King Shark like Scooby Snacks.

Oh, the fight has started! I should probably comment on that! So Condor uses his telekinetic powers to send Deadshot's bullets back at Deadshot, destroying Deadshot's wrist guns. It must take an awful lot of practice to think-stop bullets! How does that even work? I guess you don't actually have to see the thing you want to telekinetically control? I don't think anyone can actually answer that question because I don't believe anybody has telekinetic powers, no matter how many people I hear say they do on Coast to Coast AM.

What about those people that go on Coast to Coast AM to tell everybody what heaven is like! I can understand that they've either deluded themselves so deeply that they truly believe that any thought that enters their head is fact, so if they think, "Heaven has shooting ranges," then heaven must have shooting ranges. But what about the people that call in and believe these people?! Now they want to believe so badly that they're willing to listen to anybody that can self-publish a shitty little book that falls into George Noory's hands just when he's desperate to fill a slot on a slow night.

Black Canary battles King Shark and she's got some questions of her own, like "Does King Shark have ears?" and "How heroic would I be if it's a shark's penis?"

How cute! King Shark's belt buckle has a picture of his girlfriend, Dolphin!

Luckily for Boomerang who was going toe to toe with Strix, Amanda Waller intercedes and orders the Squad to stop fighting. She and Black Canary go way back. Really way back! Back to a time when Amanda was fucking Dinah's husband! I don't think they've had a chance to clear the air about that. Some words might need to be exchanged.

Four words in particular!

Is this where Amanda confesses about her and Kurt's love child, Havana?!

After Dinah flies off with Amanda, the Birds of Prey versus Suicide Squad grudge match continues. I think the odds have actually evened out with Black Canary gone. Deadshot sans guns versus Condor sans psychic power and charisma and anything likeable at all. Captain Boomerang sans Captain versus Batgirl sans sans. And Strix taking on King Shark and Harley Quinn. As for Dinah versus Amanda? I think that match up is too close to call. Although if it were Preboot Amanda, I'd put my money on her.

Jesus Christ, Christy Marx! In one page, you made the entire convoluted Team 7 and Black Canary history actually make some kind of sense!

I should probably give some of the praise to the Birds of Prey editors as well but fuck them! Are their names on the cover? Nope! The colorist is now more important than they are! Which, you know, is how it should be. Those editors need to stop thinking they're writing the books! Stop trying to come up with story ideas and just come up with where everybody's going for lunch.

Oh! It looks like he kept pistols in his pouches! That, um, makes, um...what?

The issue ends with the Birds getting the better of the Squad and Amanda telling Dinah, "You want the truth?! Well, you're not going to like it very much at all! It's worse than lies, you know?! It's going to be really bad! Your stomach will feel queasy! But I'll tell it to you! By God, I'll tell you the truth all right! I'm about to tell it to you! Here it goes! I'm saying it now:...." And then, Next Month: Things Fall Apart. Whatever! I wanted to hear about Havana!

Birds of Prey #33 Rating: +2 Ranking. This comic book has finally turned around! The only thing I still remember from the Swierczynski days is how to spell his name! Christy Marx has finally been able to make this book her own now that Kurt has been found and the Birds are working with Mother Eve. It just has one little fault. It's such a small fault that I don't think I should even bother to mention it. It's just that it's so annoying that I'd feel remiss if I didn't end my review by pointing out how Christy Marx is doing this book a disservice. The one thing she needs to change is the alive status of Condor. Just that! One niggling little detail! Fix that and this book is aces!

Birds of Prey #32

My dream cover.

I don't think I'll ever truly enjoy reading comic books again. The overuse of Narration Boxes has turned it into something with which I'm just not comfortable. They're a crutch to a comic book writer. They make things easier by simply writing everything you want the reader to get out of a scene. There was a time when the pictures spoke for themselves. Sure, their speech was ambiguous and uncertain at times. But I'd rather open Birds of Prey to a scene where Strix is perched on the top of a tall pole over Mother Eve's barge without the Narration Boxes telling me what she might be thinking. And in this case, they're telling me what Mother Eve thinks Strix might be thinking. I'm just not emotionally invested because I'm suddenly dealing with words that I'm logically picking apart immediately. I find myself gazing at the heroes themselves less and less when I have more and more Narration Boxes telling me exactly what the fuck is going on in the character's mind and why it's going on in their mind and the consequences of why it's going on in their mind and why the hero's family history ties in to what's currently going on.

I'm not saying they don't have their place in modern comics. Used sparingly, they can be an effective tool to help a comic book tell a strong tale. And I'm not suggesting the Narration Boxes of the old days were any better! Hell, they were far worse! They usually contained an omnipotent narrator explaining exactly what the picture was showing. At least the modern ones are a few degrees removed from the art and can sometimes throw a different perspective on the visuals. It's just that they've made things too easy for the writer. Comic book writers relying on Narration Boxes are telling a lazy story. Or perhaps they feel like they're not doing much if many of their words written into the script never actually appear in the comic book because they are art direction to set up scenes that should tell the story in pictures rather than Narration Boxes.

Sometimes I just don't want to be privy to every thought of the main character. Look at Grifter! That's his whole schtick is that his Narration Boxes are never ending and we're subject to every stupid fucking thought in his head. And you know why that is? Because his original writer was not a writer at all but just Jim Lee's friend, Brandon Choi. I destroyed Nathan Edmondson and his writing on that title but I really should apologize since I'd never read WildC.A.T.S. #1 before reading The New 52 Grifter. It seems Edmondson was writing him just as shoddily as Brandon Choi wrote him way back when. So I should have been congratulating Edmondson on his accuracy!

Another thing I hate about comic books, which may or may not be new because I can barely remember anything from before The Long Hiatus which began in 2003, is the way they often begin in fake media res. The first page shows the middle of the action and then on page two, you get a "24 hours earlier" tag and the story simply begins from the beginning. If you're going to write your comic book that way, just fucking skip that first page flash forward bullshit. That's not starting the story in the middle. That's just showing your date that you're going to have an erection later in the night. The cover already plays this part so doing it again on the first page is just wasting a page of story.

Sorry for spending time ranting about that stuff here, Christy Marx! I should be paying attention to your comic book. But to make up for all of that bullshit text, I won't wish for Condor to die anymore during this review. This one sentence here where I say I hope he dies will have to suffice. Plus the cover that I drew on to make it my dream cover. But that's it! Now I'll get serious!

Yes, the technology is called a pencil and any fucking writing surface.

I realize Strix has some trouble with spelling so it might be frustrating for her to write the things she wants to say. But anybody that would make fun of her spelling or act impatient as she writes her message will probably quickly be stabbed in the face, so it shouldn't really bother her much at all.

Meanwhile at a physical rehab center in Gotham, a whole lot of sexual tension is going down! Kurt Lance is trying to relearn how to walk. But mostly he's trying to relearn how to love! Dinah and Junkface are with him cheering him on because one of them loves the other one and the other one loves Kurt and Kurt loves both of them and the other one loves the one that loves the other one. I don't know! It's some kind of fucked up love triangle which probably means somebody is going to get hurt. I'm not saying that they can't all have a loving relationship where they all love each other. But I am saying that Condor (previously referred to as "Junkface") will get hurt and jealous and upset every time Black Canary sticks her tongue in Kurt's asshole.

Now I'm wondering if Black Canary ever uses her scream in an erotic way!

How dare Kurt not react to his recovery the way Dinah thinks he should react to it!

Whoops! I guess the extra guy isn't Condor at all but the physical therapist! I got confused because "therapist" is so close to "the rapist."

Speaking of "therapist" and "the rapist," in the early nineties, years before the Saturday Night Live skit where Sean Connery calls the "therapists" category "the rapists," I'd written a really crappy poem entitled "The Rapist" about a therapist that convinces a child through hypnotherapy that she had been used in Satanic rituals. If I knew where it was, I'd reprint the poem here even though I'm sure it was terrible. The idea hit me while I was watching some show on television where there were some magazines on a table shown upside down to the viewer. The title of one was "therapist" (possibly in big block letters) and my first thought was, "Why is there a magazine called The Rapist?"

Kurt does manage to convince Dinah that he doesn't remember her so she needs to back off. She's just pressuring him to be somebody he doesn't remember being and completely stressing him out. So she finally leaves him to rehabilitate on his own.

Speaking of "therapist" in big block letters! And the rapist in a pervo man-bun, top-knot, ponytail thing!

I'd be kind of nervous if that building opened up in my neighborhood!

THERAPIST

At least they didn't put a huge exclamation point on the end of the sign.

Condor has something for Black Canary but he says he left it back in his loft. Oh no! She's not going to fall for that one, is she? Once they get to the loft, he'll probably whip out his dick and say, "Oh wait! I had it right here all along!" Except what he actually has waiting for her back at his loft which is far less exciting than his penis is a set of wings so that Black Canary can fly. She powers them with her voice but can't the same set of wings be made that can be solar powered? Sell a set to Green Arrow for a few billion dollars! He'd pay anything right now if it would keep him from being carried around by Animal Man.

Before Condor and Black Canary can engage in hovering sky cunnilingus, the Birds of Prey are called together on a mission to rescue one of Mother Eve's friends held captive in a foreign nation.

There are worse things Black Canary could do then lead on a boy or two.

I bet once they get to Africa they'll encounter the Suicide Squad! I'm making that prediction because the Suicide Squad appeared on the cover and they haven't appeared inside the cover yet! That's called using your brains!

Once they arrive and begin battling thugs, Strix kills a guy and Batgirl loses her shit. She's a Talon, Babs! Awful shit was done to her and she's not prepared to play dainty super heroine yet, okay? If you want Strix on the team, you're going to have to realize that she was trained to kill from a very early age. Then she was killed. Then she was brought back to life to kill some more. The killing is kind of all she knows. You're asking her to give up her most favorite hobby just to be your friend. That's selfish!

That last paragraph should probably be turned into a song and sold to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to be made into a commercial.

The Birds rescue Mother Eve's friend just in time for The Suicide Squad to show up and declare that Mother Eve's friend is actually their friend and he's going home with them.

Holy shit! King Shark came back out of the toilet humongous!

Birds of Prey #32 Rating: +3 Ranking. How come whenever a book gets cancelled, it starts immediately getting better? I liked this Birds of Prey! I like where this group is beginning and how they have Mother Eve to give them missions and a purpose. I also think this is my favorite moment of the Suicide Squad so far in The New 52! Even they feel like they're being utilized correctly here! And King Shark looks fucking bad-ass as a gigantic monster! Now I can see Yo-Yo living for a month inside that creature's stomach! It's probably bigger than a New York studio apartment in there. Anyway, whatever, DC! Do your cancelled books instantly get better because the editors lose interest in them? Are the writers suddenly allowed to do whatever they want? What's the reason that shitty books get so much better when they've been cancelled? Of course, this book was on a tremendous upswing. It just kept getting better the further it got away from Swierczynski's plots. Maybe y'all should just leave this book for a few months and then let Marx fire it up again in the fall. Teen Titans and Suicide Squad are getting instant second chances. I think this book is just as worth an immediate second chance as those two titles.

Suicide Squad #30

It's nice to see King Shark's flushing didn't take.

I don't know why this issue of Suicide Squad was even needed. Perhaps it's time for DC to bring back the policy where they just fucking pull the rug out from under a creative team and tell them to hang up their shit, the gig's over. This last issue and Nightwing's last issue are both completely new creative teams, so I guess DC felt that some final Forever Evil plot threads needed to be tied up before they shitcanned these books. Suicide Squad has simply never found an identity that worked. It's mostly been garbage, treating the characters in it like garbage, and really just riding Harley's popularity for thirty issues. This book has been a stinker.

I hate saying that, too! I absolutely loved Ostrander's Suicide Squad. I even loved Giffen's short-lived run that was released sometime around the turn of the millennium. But this version seems to have been poorly thought out and rushed to press simply because DC wanted a Suicide Squad book for The New 52. Hopefully now it will remain cancelled until somebody can come up with a really good pitch for a new series and good reason to bring the team back. Give them a fucking purpose aside from dealing with Amanda's personal vendetta's against Regulus and Basilisk. Fuck, that Basilisk shit was poorly planned out as well.

The issue begins with the government of the United States of America encouraging Black Manta to kill Aquaman with a sly nudge and a wink.

What is wrong with Black Manta's voice?

Amanda Waller is in Washington, D.C. to be fitted with a government buttplug. She's bent over at a congressional hearing, sized up, measured, fitted, and spit back out into the system, confused for possibly the first time in The New 52.

Floyd Lawton has his mustache back although he's chosen to go with a look that says "I'm the douchiest date rapist in the Fraternity," a Van Dyke/Soulpatch combo. He's being transferred to a new prison along with a couple of guys that I might be the only one frothing at the anal glands to see: Coldsnap and Shakedown! Those guys were in the Masters of Disaster! Coldsnap mentions how their ladies are still free and are going to break them out! That means we might get the first appearance of New-Wave, Heatstroke, and Windfall! I hope Windfall especially appears. Even though she's so young, I think it's okay for me to still have a huge crush on her because I had a huge crush on her when I was a kid first getting into comic books. That's not weird or anything! I'm just wallowing in nostalgia, not acting like a pedo!

Meanwhile, the Secretary of Defense has been assigned to make sure Waller's buttplug is nice and secure.

Why is that guy's desk so long? Is he overcompensating for the length of his buttplug?

This issue has completely revamped the Suicide Squad like DC needed to do to it two years ago. The members will now be completely secret and won't be seen as prisoners or have any ties to the United States. The missions will be to secure American interests while having no apparent ties to America. They will just be a bunch of super villains committing international crimes. And if those crimes just happen to help out the United States, who's going to notice except all the conspiracy theorists? And who's going to believe them since the term "conspiracy theorist" has become a way of dismissing people without having to counter their arguments or engage them in debate.

Meanwhile, Heatstroke and New-Wave are captured trying to break out their teammates. No Windfall to be seen though, dammit!

Black Manta tries to go out for a burger but when he orders, the server is all, "Why the fuck is your speech balloon all polarized and shit?" And Black Manta is all, "I'LL TAKE FRIES WITH THAT!" And then he bashes her face into the register for no reason whatsoever except to get arrested. You know, I kind of liked Black Manta when he was running around trying to kill Aquaman. Firstly, who cares if Aquaman gets killed? Good riddance! And secondly, Aquaman killed Black Manta's father for no fucking good reason! So Black Manta actually has as good a reason as any super villain out there to kill a super hero. But now that Black Manta has taken an innocent, underpaid fast-food clerk's face and smashed it through a cash register, I don't think I can like him anymore. In my book, the worst thing you can do is to treat like shit a person who gets treated like shit all the fucking time. When you yell at a clerk at a convenience store or a server at a fast food restaurant, realize you're in no way the first person to treat that person like shit. How dare you continue to make them feel like crap? Even if they love their job, they're still barely making anything and have to deal with assholes who didn't get their burgers put together the correct way. Now they have to deal with half of their teeth getting knocked out and a serious concussion?! Fuck you, Black Manta! Fuck you right in the polarized speech bubble.

Well, I guess admitting you have an anger problem is a decent first step to mend this bridge between us!

Do you think if I painted a mace green, I could convince people that I had a Green Lantern ring and the mace was a construct? It's the go to construct for most Green Lanterns, right?!

I'm almost through and King Shark hasn't appeared yet! You better get crackin' on his return, Sean Ryan!

Black Manta joins up with Task Force X, Amanda is back in place heading up the crew at Belle Reve (although with much less power and an uncomfortable foreign item lodged up her backside), Floyd Lawton is in a cell nearby, and The Masters of Disaster look like they're going to be some of the first casualties when the Suicide Squad relaunches with Issue #1. I don't know when that takes place but I sure hope it's fucking interesting!

Suicide Squad #30 Rating: +3 Ranking. I probably shouldn't give this issue a positive ranking since it's less like Suicide Squad #30 and more like Suicide Squad Volume Two (of The New 52!) #0. I like the direction it's headed in. I like that Deadshot and Amanda are still the foundation of the group. And I love that The Masters of Disaster have made an appearance although I'm sure at least one of them is going to die in the Squad's relaunch. Black Manta did a dick thing and I'm not happy with him right now! So he can go shit in his helmet for all I care. Hopefully Boomerang finds his way into the Squad as well. And since she has her own title now, I hope Harley Quinn stays out. She really didn't fit in with the Squad very well anyway, even if she was the only reason people were buying this series.

Suicide Squad #29

OMAC's O-Face.

Last issue ended with Deadshot shooting himself for the third time since this series began. He may be the greatest member of the Suicide Squad to ever live! Or die! Or die three times while still living! Most of the members of the Suicide Squad die from violence at other people's hands. Nobody ever actually takes the name literally and commits suicide even once, let alone three times! But Deadshot shot himself to take out Harley; he shot himself to take out Regulus; and now he's shot himself one last time with a magic bullet to take out OMAC. At least this time, he was able to shoot Amanda Waller as well.

The difference is, of course, that magic bullet I mentioned. Apparently this bullet is an Ich Luge bullet! It breaks the surface of the skin, enough to cause a little blood, but no real damage. It also gives the victim enhanced strength, super agility, and big time smarts. According to Waller, this magic bullet will give Deadshot and Harley Quinn the edge over OMAC.

But Amanda is constantly lying, right? So I think she just wants Deadshot and Harley to believe they have a chance against OMAC so that, while they're getting ripped apart, Amanda and Kevin Kho can figure out how to shut OMAC down. That's the Amanda Waller Way!

OMAC currently stands for One-Machine Attack Construct instead of One Man Army Corps like it used to or Old Man Ass Crack like it never did.

If Deadshot and Harley don't succeed, and if Kevin Kho can't force the Thinker out of OMAC, Amanda has one last option: send OMAC through a super secret portal at the bottom of Belle Reve. Excuse me. A PORTHOLE at the bottom of Belle Reve. That's an odd bit of terminology to use. Portal seems more apt. Unless Belle Reve isn't a prison at all! It's a Space Station!

Amanda Waller calls this "porthole" the Toilet because it's used to remove waste from this universe to some other unknown universe. My guess is it leads to the Marvel Universe. I think it backed up at the beginning of The New 52, spilling Scott Lobdell, Howard Mackie, and Ann Nocenti all over the floor. Disgusting!

I love transparency even if my readers hate my love for it because it always causes me to talk about things other than the comic book I was reading. But I just thought I'd point out that I just took a six hour break from reading Suicide Squad so I could earn a living. I came home with a bag of Darkside Skittles: The Other Side of the Rainbow. Apparently they're Evil Skittles. As I've been eating them, I occasionally stop to whisper darkly, "Rape the rainbow." Your mind would probably go there too if you knew what the flavours were (okay, maybe not your mind. Sheesh. I guess you're better than I am)! Dark Berry. Forbidden Fruit. Midnight Lime. Blood Orange. It sounds like the beginning of an episode of CSI (even to somebody like me that's never seen an episode!). The only flavour I don't get is Pomegranate. I think the Pomegranate represents sex in The Book of A Thousand Nights and a Night. Anyway, now I'm out of Evil Candy and need to get back to reading my comic book.

Why is Power Girl so tiny? And Steel so huge?!

Notice the placement of Power Girl's Boob Window here? Apparently Jim Fern and R.B. Silva were using different reference pictures for Power Girl's costume. Fern has drawn a costume that will actually keep Power Girl's breasts inside the costume.

I hate to say this because I feel bad when I criticize an artist (why don't I feel bad criticizing a writer?) but Jim Fern's art is lousy. Wayne Faucher on inks isn't doing anything to liven it up either! And Brett Smith's coloring? Well, let me just say he's no University of Northern Colorado at Greeley Alum Gabe Eltaeb!

The writing on Suicide Squad has been lousy as well! Come on, Matt Kindt. Stop fucking sleep walking through your writing assignments! You really aren't fucking trying on this Forever Evil shit, are you?

Nice, Deadshot! You just had to bring up Gwar, didn't you? Now you've got all the little Bohabs crying again!

This might be some of the worst art I've seen in The New 52 for quite some time. It's worse than the art you'd get in a free mini-comic strapped to the back of a knock-off action figure or dug out of the bottom of a box of Trix. Maybe it's some kind of Modern Art that I don't understand!

Really, Harley? OMAC and Cheese?! I suppose the shitty one-liners fit with the shitty art.

You may have noticed I'm not really discussing the plot much. That's because it amounts to everybody getting shot with magic bullets as they try to lead OMAC into the toilet.

Power Girl and Steel arrive to help out because this fight needs somebody in it that can actually survive a punch from OMAC. Steel bang bangs his silver hammer down upon OMAC's head causing Kevin Kho to renew his foothold in OMAC's mind. I don't know what's happening with The Thinker. I guess he's the guy that's been using OMAC's mouth to utter dialogue worse than Harley's.

Everybody drops down to Waller's level and stand around The Toilet looking stupid and disengaged. Inside OMAC's mind, Kevin and The Thinker are apparently fighting but that would be too complicated to draw if you only had the artistic skills of Jim Fern to rely on.

Goddammit! I feel horrible saying that! Why do I have such a soft spot when it comes to lambasting artists?! I think I'm still sore from the time Marcus To called me out to the woodshed, pulled down my pants, and softly inserted his tongue. No wait. I'm conflating two different memories! That was my uncle. Marcus just pointed out that I was a raging asshole when I criticized one of his covers. He was right to point out I was an asshole. But I was right to point out his cover design sucked spectacularly sweaty balls.

While everybody is kind of waiting to see if Kevin Kho saves OMAC from having to be flushed down the toilet, King Shark shows up with a little prepared speech he tells suitors when they want more than he'd like to give them. "Gee, Blank, my name is King Shark. You killed my father. Prepare to die." King Shark tackles OMAC into the Toilet and flushes himself away. OMAC grabs a ledge though. I guess King Shark will be appearing in Moon Knight next month.

Kevin defeats The Thinker and takes care of OMAC but then Captain Boomerang takes care of Kevin by kicking OMAC into The Toilet. Now Amanda has to fish two fucking lunkheads out of it somehow. Also Amanda has another twist because she's always lying about everything and manipulating everybody! The Magic Bullets were really Nano-Bombs! Now everybody is a forced member of The Squad again! Stupid jerks! They deserve this job! Get fooled by Amanda Waller once, shame on you! Get fooled by Amanda Waller dozens of times, your name is probably Floyd Lawson.

Captain Boomerang is eating invisible ribs.

Suicide Squad #29 Rating: -2 Ranking. Boring story. Horrendous art. Pretty good title ("Flushed") for this piece of shit.

Suicide Squad #28

Who would win in a fight? OMAC's testicles or The Hulk's testicles?

So Forever Evil has been going on for about six years now but I think it's almost over! Rogue's Rebellion #5 is currently in my stack and it says "5 of 6" which means that series is almost over! And I'm making the assumption that Forever Evil must be ending sometime soon after that. Maybe a month or two after? I have a feeling that the current incarnation of the Suicide Squad is going to be obliterated by the events of this Forever Evil crossover. Why else is it the only regular non-Justice League book to have been sucked into the Vortex of Crossing Over? Even Nightwing's comic got out of telling crossover stories and he's nearly dead from Forever Evil!

Let's see who won the fight that began last issue, shall we? It was between OMAC and King Shark and Nutty Cuckoo Super King Shark. One other thing that is probably going to be important later is that Waller had just found Kevin Kho's virtual personality on The Thinker's laptop.

That's why I'm not successful! I don't keep a Field Journal! I'm always telling the Non-Certified Spouse that I need a scribe because I never remember any of the super hilarious things I say on a daily basis.

I bet Amanda Waller got the Journal idea from Slade Wilson! Amanda says it's a "mental journal" because Deathstork's Slade Wilson's War Journal always sounded really stupid because he wrote it in the present tense as if he were writing it as he was confronting Lobo. "So here I am standing here face to face with the most dangerous person in the...sorry, I just had to tell him to hang on a moment while I jotted this down for future reference. Who the fuck punches a guy as he's writing in his diary War Journal?" But I think she calls it her "mental journal" because it's totally crazy! Fun Fact: The Mad Hatter was originally called The Mental Hatter. Another Fun Fact: Whenever somebody begins a sentence with "fun fact," you can be assured it will neither be "fun" nor a "fact."

I suppose I'm obligated to begin Amanda Waller's Mental Journal now. Dammit.

Amanda Waller continues to drone on and on and on! She's far more verbose than Slade Wilson ever was! That first page of her Mental Journal was just two of twelve Narration Boxes full of her journal notes. And it was the two smallest boxes! No way am I going reproduce her entire Journal! If this were a paid gig, sure. No problem there! Maybe even if there were just some additional perks like free Oreos or hand jobs. Oh! Maybe if I work Oreos into every page of Amanda Waller's Mental Journal, they'll send me loads and loads of Oreos for the free advertising. I don't know who I'd have to appeal to to get the hand jobs though.

The gist of her mental journal is that, hopefully, King Shark and Nutty Cuckoo Super King Shark can distract OMAC long enough for Amanda Waller to shut the creature down. She was going to send it into some random dimensional portal that her team accidentally opened up a few years back but then she met Kevin. And Kevin thinks he can take back control of OMAC and save everybody's life.

I remember Kevin. And, for what it's worth, I am not optimistic in his abilities.

Luckily help is on the way!

Possibly. Who actually knows with this team?

The team parachutes into Belle Reve to help save the day. I think. Maybe they just came back to beat the shit out of Harley for dropping the Rocky Mountains on them. I'm sure they all have their own individual reasons for attending this gig. Steel's my hero of Page Six because he accidentally electrocutes James Gordon Jr. I'm glad I won't have to listen to that asshole for a few pages! Harley explains to the others that bringing OMAC back might have been a bit of a faux pas on her part and that maybe she acted a bit rashly. Especially because now he's teaching King Shark how to ballroom dance.

This won't end well.

The finale of the dance is a fantastic bit that puts one in the mind of humid summers on the New England shores watching a dog's carcass on the nearby highway get hit again and again and again by every passing motorist, until the dog becomes an unrecognizable red smear that stretches a dozen feet down the asphalt. It's grand! And terrifying! And also makes quite a mess since it involves Kama, King Shark's dad, being torn in two.

Next OMAC pulls out half an android from King Shark's belly which reminds me: what the fuck ever happened to Yo-Yo? He went from my most hated character ever created to my most favoritest new member of the Suicide Squad when it turned out he'd lived inside King Shark for many months. Being that his super powers were kind of Plastic Man-like, I can't buy that he actually died when Deadshot blew his head off. I'm sure he'll pull himself together at some point. Please?

Also whatever happened to Light Lime? She was still alive, right? I miss her!

OMAC manages to put the entire Squad down just as Captain Boomerang finally parachutes in. OMAC doesn't bother with Boomer and wanders off to find Amanda as Harley tells Deadshot the new plan: find some bullets to shoot themselves with. Hmm. That sounds like it solves all of their problems but what about the rest of the world?!

Oh. Okay. This had better work!

Deadshot puts one bullet in Harley, one in Amanda, and one in himself. And then everything goes black.

Suicide Squad #28 Rating: No change. How many times is Deadshot going to shoot himself in this comic? I didn't think the suicide part of the title was supposed to be taken so literally. Oh well. This comic book needs more Boomer.

Suicide Squad #26

King Shark Versus Nutty Cuckoo Super King Shark!

It took me awhile to remember to do it while I was sitting at the computer but I finally translated Futurama's Bender's Apartment Number from Binary to ASCII. I kept thinking, "What could it possibly fucking be? It's 00100100, so it'll just be one character. So what the fuck could it possibly be to make it interesting?" And let me tell you, it's perfect. Bender and Fry live in Apartment "$".

Back to Suicide Squad, James Gordon, Jr, had just found out that the "X" in Task Force X was a letter in a sequence beginning with "A" which meant more than twenty different versions of Waller's Task Force were attempted before somebody threw up their hands and said, "Just fucking use super-villains on death row." But even Task Force X didn't seem to be working out as well as Amanda would have liked so Task Force Y had been created. But Task Force Y wants to kill Amanda even more than Task Force X does, so it's been locked in Level Lowest Level until now. Amanda needs it to save her ass since The Thinker is ready to destroy her ass. And also hand OMAC over to The Crime Syndicate.

And while The Thinker thinks he's come up with a great plan to get OMAC by working with Harley Quinn, he's just not as smart as he thinks he is. He proclaimed last issue that she's one of the few personalities that he can't predict (which, I believe, was part of the thrill he was getting from working with her). So she's obviously just pretending to work with him because Waller would have told Harley, "Look. This guy is smart but I'm smarter without having to have a brain that eats away at my internal organs. He wants to believe he's smart enough to control a random element like you. So we'll use that against him and you'll pretend to work for him while really working for me." And Harley said, "Fuck you. Why should I? Get out of here." And Waller said, "I'll get you your own comic book title." And Harley said, "I'm in."

But before The Thinker's plan can backfire in his face, Waller needs to deal with King Shark and keep him from eating her. So she's released Task Force Y. Why? Because he'll eat you.

Nutty Cuckoo Super King Shark it is!

Kamo just wants to kill and eat and destroy so when he declares to King Shark, "If you are my son...then you must die!", it's a little bit on the redundant side. My hope is that Kamo swallows King Shark whole and then King Shark explodes out of Kamo's stomach and then King Shark swallows mortally wounded Kamo whole and then mortally wounded Kamo explodes out of King Shark's stomach and then they'll be lying on the floor dying and Kamo will reach out and take King Shark's hand and King Shark will turn his big shark face to his father and a single tear will drop from his eye and Kamo will grumble, "Pussy." Or "I love you!" I suppose it depends on how each ending tests with a test audience! Fuck artistic integrity! Let the people decide!

Meanwhile James has gone off to deal with The Thinker when he's almost killed by OMAC being shoved out of a plane by Harley. Harley appears a moment later because it's not worth thinking about how characters get from one place in time (aboard a plane) to another place in time (James Gordon's back) when all of that action is taken care of off-panel. She probably rode OMAC down or had a jet pack which she discarded or teleported or arrived earlier by bus and was just hiding in the shadows. It's just a comic book! You're not supposed to care about all the behind the scenes stuff!

While King Shark is dealing with Daddy Issues, it looks like James has developed a nice, healthy set of Mommy Issues which Harley is bringing back by pressing her vagina and breasts right up against his back.

That last panel explains why he's a psychopath.

Meanwhile, Amanda reminisces about the day she and her team captured Kamo with a few agents and some pistols even though he's way too powerful to control. The story is a little light on details. But she does mention that she brought back a baby shark that was supposedly one of his children and raised it as her own. That baby shark was King Shark. And if Amanda wouldn't have blown up the island and, I suppose, the pool with his siblings, he'd have a nice big family by now. I'm sure at least one of them has survived and will come visit later. Native King Shark visiting Big City King Shark! Oh what a series of comic mix-ups they'll enjoy!

Amanda is hoping to manipulate Kamo into defeating OMAC by telling him some ancient curse can only be broken by the death of OMAC. After that, he'll be free to head back to his island and eat all the virgins he can stomach.

Above ground, James and Harley become best friends and decide to stop The Thinker together. How do you become friends with Harley, you ask? Well, you just stab her in the back and then put an exploding collar around her neck. Apparently she finds this behavior appealing. I'm kind of sick of her finding that kind of behavior appealing. Are we supposed to think that because she loves The Joker, she likes anybody that treats her like shit? Maybe when she responds with "I...I...I think I love you," it's just because she's got that Keith Partridge song stuck in her head. Anyway, the crux of it all is that OMAC escaped while they were figuring out their relationship.

James and Harley meet up with the new team consisting of Kamo and King Shark. Amanda lets them know that if The Thinker gets his hands on OMAC, they're all going to die. And then OMAC appears with The Thinker's mind downloaded into it. So, I guess they're all dead.

Meanwhile under a mountain in Colorado, Deadshot isn't dead. But he is busy burning up what little oxygen he has left by lighting a lighter! Ha ha! Dumb dumb. I'm sure everybody else survived as well (except maybe Warrant because who the fuck cares about that guy? Judging by his name, he was created to die!). Be with us next time for "Better Off Deadshot," or "One Crazy Bummer."

Suicide Squad #26 Rating: No change. King Shark is the child of a Hawaiian God! Does that gel with all of the past hints we've gotten about his history? I think it does! Did I use "gel" correctly? Should it be "jell"? A cursory consult with Lord Google only makes me realize that this might be another one of those American versus British uses meaning they're both right but you should probably stick with jell if you're American and gel if you're British. Well, fuck that! I live in that grey area that's gray, remember? So I'll do what I like and show my backside to all the editors out there! Anyway, Suicide Squad was okay. Except for the way Harley acted. And except for Deadshot not being in it. And except for, in my opinion, too many revelations about King Shark's history. Matt Kindt has really filled it full of words lately, hasn't he?!

Suicide Squad #25

I wish OMAC would get a sexy outfit.

Last issue, The Thinker was building a new Brother Eye in Belle Reve so that he could control OMAC. He posed as Amanda Waller to get The Unknown Soldier, Steel, Power Girl, and some new idiot named Warrant to retrieve OMAC. At the same time, Amanda Waller sent Deadshot, Harley Quinn, and Captain Boomerang to get OMAC for her. Why all the fighting over OMAC? OMAC is a piece of shit that should just be forgotten about already. Although I did like Kevin Kho, so I won't mind if OMAC joins the Suicide Squad and runs around as Kevin most of the time.

Is anybody else's mind preoccupied with all the fucking tasty, fucked up, American shit they're going to be gorging on tomorrow?! The only good reason to have older family members living in the same city as you is the home cooked Thanksgiving meals. If they don't cook Thanksgiving meals, get the fuck out of my city. Stop trying to bond with me on non-holiday days. Leave me alone unless you've got a big bowl of stuffing and mashed potatoes, jerks. The only thing thicker than blood is gravy, so get to cooking!

The first page of Suicide Squad #25 is like a fucking novel.

Come on, Matt Kindt! There's a reason I'm reading comic books! And, here's a hint, it's not for all the fucking words. Why do you think Cerebus lost so many readers the longer it went on?! I wonder if I can get somebody to read this to me.

The first thing The Thinker thinks about is how he got his Super Villain Name: a cruel children's nickname. Duh! That's how they all get their names! Haven't you been reading every single one of my commentaries, The Thinker? Get on board, you fucknugget.

The Thinker is one of those super smart villains that doesn't just think "ten or twenty moves ahead," he thinks "years ahead!" Come on, Matt Kindt! I don't need you writing one of these Goddamned villains that can somehow account for every fucking possibility and be completely prepared. He claims he's been counting on being in Belle Reve for years at just this moment with his playing pieces arranged perfectly on the board. Because years ago, he realized The Crime Syndicate was going to invade Earth and cut the power and cause an eclipse and ask for OMAC to be handed to them? The Thinker, you are worse than Harvest! But you know the most unbelievable part of his plan? That he knew some idiot named Warrant was going to exist! That was probably just random luck which he probably factors into all of his equations.

One thing The Thinker didn't prepare for two to three years ago was his chess pieces talking to each other! Why should he prepare for that? How often does that ever happen? Super heroes usually meet up, punch each other in the kidneys for fifteen pages, and then realize they should probably not be doing that. But The Thinker's pieces only spend four pages battling before they have the conversation that will undo all of The Thinker's plans.

Whoops!

Why the hell am I writing new stuff every fucking commentary?! I need to develop more catch phrases like "WHOOPS!" and "Fuck Scott Lobdell!" and then just cut and paste them into every commentary I do! That's what the masses go for, right? Bazinga! D'oh! You 'avin' a laugh? Let's go out behind the barn and fuck. That last one was Laura Ingalls' catch phrase if I'm remembering it correctly. Maybe I'm remembering the Porn Parody, "Little Ho on the Prairie."

Deadshot quickly figures out who was recruited by the real Amanda Waller because the Waller that recruited the heroes was too open, honest, and professional. She didn't threaten anybody or stick bombs in them or act superior, so no way she was the real Amanda. If The Thinker is as smart as he says he is, then he planned for his pawns to figure it all out and he's ready for whatever move they make next. I know that's how Harvest would do it.

And there it is! The Thinker's real plan! I think he and Harvest would make a great couple.

Harvest standing with his dick out: "But I spent two years planning on getting my dick in your mouth!"
The Thinker standing with his dick out: "But I spent two years planning on getting my dick in your mouth!"
Harvest and The Thinker together: "Sixty nine, dude!"

Harley Quinn repeats the activation code to fire up OMAC. The code is binary and amounts to saying " “² " with six extra ones and zeroes which would end the sequence in a "t" or a "u" or a "v" or a "w". I really wish the binary would have translated into something awesome.

Harley blows up the mountain, collapsing it on the other team members and then flies away with OMAC as her prize.

Meanwhile, Amanda Waller is forced to visit Level Seven to release her final play against The Thinker.

I'm surprised the code isn't "51773 173". Or, you know, "5318008".

While Waller is entering Level Seven, King Shark shows up to eat her face. James Gordon, Jr, stops King Shark to let him know that Amanda is the only person that can find King Shark's dad (Nutty Cuckoo Super-King Shark!). And to really calm down King Shark, James Gordon, Jr, has prepared a meal of Hippogriff Chum.

The door Amanda Waller is looking for leads to Task Force Y and a creature that apparently wants Amanda's sweetmeats.

I don't know who this is. Not at all. Is it Nutty Cuckoo Super-King Shark?!

Suicide Squad #25 Rating: +1 Ranking. Was making Task Force X "Task Force 10" too obvious? I suppose giving yourself room to invent twenty five other Task Forces is a lot more fun!

Suicide Squad #23

This issue looks like a lot of fun!

I've got other writing projects to work on, so I'm thinking about changing the way I do things here. Although changing my routine hurts me in the space in my brain where most people feel love and affection. I feel comfortable doing the same thing over and over again. Which many of you have probably noticed if you've managed to read my commentaries for more than one month in a row. Same old Superboy jokes over and over. Same old Scott Lobdell attacks. Same fucking swears, over and over and over. But that's why I was thinking about trying something new! I was thinking a way to make this less time intensive on my end was to do one comic per day in the normal way, writing the commentary as I read the comic book. And then for the second commentary of the day, I'd just read the book and comment on it afterward. The biggest problem with beginning this new format will be beginning the new format. I'll have to think about it for a bit. Maybe the next time I read a comic I've become bored with (like Batwing!), I'll do the commentary the new way.

Now that the boring business part of the commentary is over with, it's time for the boring commentary part of the commentary!

Last issue we learned that everybody was going to die because the Samsara Project was causing everybody to reject their souls. This issue, Amanda Waller has some 'splaining to do!

And James Gordon Jr. has some Foreigner to sing.

This is my art paragraph! So far, I really like the new artist! I think this is his first book for The New 52. That was my art paragraph!

Apparently John Lynch was behind all the non-Waller chaos of the last couple of issues. The reason it doesn't feel at all tacked on is because Waller was withholding the information the way she normally does. So it totally makes sense that Anarchoterrorists weren't really behind trying to flood Las Vegas with Shit Monsters or that Harley Quinn wasn't actually trying to break out of prison when she eventually worked out a Suicide Squad Benefits Package with Amanda. But anyway, John Lynch is their real enemy. You remember him, right? The dick leader of Team 7? The reason for all of this chaos? Not to test his Hypnotizing Billboard Technology. No, no. It's to fuck with Amanda Waller.

So the Suicide Squad is busy trying to infiltrate their way into Mingowee. The last time I had a Geography class was in 7th grade where I wrote an oral report about Icebergs by simply copying the text out of a sixties encyclopedia. Seriously, how could I not plagiarize something so fucking boring as icebergs? Was I supposed to punch it up with some dick jokes?

Oh, also, Comic Books tend to make up names for fake countries! So Mingowee is probably a fake name and Ales Kot made it up because it sounds like a hurt vagina in British Slang.

"Oh look! A pale white clown woman with a pie in her picnic basket! This should be fun and isn't suspicious or weird at all!"

There's a bit of a flashback where the details of Harley and Amanda's new benefit package are discussed. The neck bombs have been removed from the Squad and they'll all be released in a year to work as informants. So the deal is to become a snitch? Sounds like a pretty shitty deal. If they, you know, stick to it. I can't see King Shark (or Harley (or Deadshot!)) becoming informants.

Look out! She's got a pie! She's also looking mighty adorable!

I bet her pie is full of a slow acting poison that will give the guards horrible diarrhea and kill them in a day and a half. Or she might just use the gun that's next to the pie. Either way.

Cheetah runs around setting off landmines for some reason. I suppose to be a distraction? Because I doubt Waller is sending in any military vehicles to help the Squad out. And Deadshot is sniping John Lynch in the face.

Just like Call of Duty! One shot in the head doesn't fucking do a thing! At least John Lynch didn't lunge from this distance with his knife and kill Deadshot. Then it would have been exactly like Call of Duty! Also, where did that piglet come fro...oh, never mind. It's John Lynch's hand.

And then the expected Small Terrorist Nation Super Villain Team shows up! First up against Harley is Crow Jane. The Crow versus the Clown! She either has the ability to command crows, or she's really good with .32, .44, and .38 caliber pistols. She also might be talented at finding roadkill.

Or maybe she has bird vision and sees things slower so she can count bullets from an automatic weapon. You know what's easier than counting bullets, Crow? Listening for the gun to stop making POW POW POW noises! She probably burned through the entire clip in just a few seconds.

Next up is Lamplight. This guy looks like a second-rate Green Lantern and his Lamp is powered by a hand crank. He calls King Shark ugly because, and I'm just guessing here, Lamplight has never looked at himself in a mirror while wearing his ridiculous outfit.

Impetus goes after Cheetah because he's the fast one and the fast people always have to fight the fast people. That's stupid thinking! What I would do is have the fast villain go after all of the heroes except the fast hero. Then I'd have all the villains that are left team up against the fast guy. It might work if you're the one doing the ambushing! Nobody expects to be doing one thing and then to be tied up and naked and hanging from a tree one second later!

Lastly, Amaze pins Deadshot to the ground with her foot. So it looks like a Dollar Store version of the Justice League's big Five minus Superman. Maybe Lynch was saving Superman's slot for the day he could once again have Majestic under his control.

So Lamplight's powers are nonexistent and King Shark has powers I didn't know existed. Sonar? Really?

Isn't what King Shark describing simply really good hearing? I'm not saying he doesn't have sonar; it's just that he wasn't actually using it at this moment, was he? He just heard this idiot coming. And speaking of this idiot, did Lynch simply tell him he had powers that he doesn't actually have? Is this one of his hypnosis tricks? I suppose I actually just answered my own question when I called him an idiot.

Oh yeah! Lynch called for help from Titan when he was shot in the face. So Titan is the Superman equivalent on this team.

Impetus is defeated by Cheetah's landmine bees. Those are bees that smell dynamite and lead people to land mines. Or something. I don't know! I seem to have let my Great Moments in the Advancement of Modern Warfare Magazine subscription lapse. Even if the bees could detect landmines, I'm not sure why they needed them. Cheetah could have simply run across the entire field before the bees even found one mine.

Crow Jane ends up being less like Batman and more like Black Canary. I should have guessed by her Ross Dress for Less version of Dinah's old outfit. She actually looked more like Zatanna when I first saw her. But now she tries to scream at Harley and just gets hit in the face by Harley's landmine pie. Good thing the bees didn't set it off!

You know, this Super Villain team might actually be decent if they didn't have to scream their imaginary super powers at their enemies.

Deadshot defeats Amaze with kissies and doing its. Although before they can get to the doing it part of the plan, Titan cock blocks him. But then Deadshot proves that Titan's no Superman.

Too bad he uses up his one cock block for the day because he could have used it here.

Once Titan is down and Deadshot gets clear with Amaze, Amanda Waller has dozens of drones (and a stealth bomber!) bomb the crap out of Mingowee. Lynch seems to be somewhat immortal or something, so he'll probably be back. But for now, his plans of taking over a small nation state and using their oil and gold resources for his own ends has fallen through. And not just because most of the nation's super team has been beaten but because the Leader, Paris Mingowee, has been killed as well.

This page made up for all of the horrible jokes throughout the issue. Plus Harley is looking adorable again.

Suicide Squad #23 Rating: No change. I'm always wishing comic books would be more whimsical and fun. And then Ales Kot adds a lot more of that aspect to this book. Which I think it definitely needs. He nails it in that last page I scanned. I really liked the lightening of the mood in most places but I found some of his attempts awkward and ill-fitting of the mood. Like when he announces Mingowee in the Narration Boxes as "Some Country Somewhere Far Away" and then gives the president's title as a long joke title. I'm not against this kind of thing; it just didn't work for me here. I'm still not a fan of James Gordon Jr. being in love with Waller and not acting anything like a sociopath or psychopath. If it weren't for the fact that he's Narration Boxing all of his love feelings and his sudden philosophy of kindness, I'd believe he had some kind of ulterior motive. Perhaps Bab's Batarang caused some brain damage when it went through his eye.