Trinity #6

Just in case you were wondering who the Trinity were (and you couldn't read more words than "Trinity" (I'm sure that's a thing!)), here they are on the cover!

The Review
Francis Manapul came up with this analogy concerning life and walls. He decided to make it into a story. The analogy went something like this: we build walls around us to keep out dangerous people, probably because our mother was overprotective. Even rock stars do it! But the walls also keep out good and kind people! So they're not really as great as we think they are. Francis thought, "Okay, okay! That's a great start. But what's the lesson?" Then he came up with the lesson after writing six issues. The lesson was that the walls, even though they protect our delicate psyches and fragile bodies, don't need to be knocked down completely. You just need one crack to let in the light! Hooray! Everything is better now and the judge that is actually a giant asshole can no longer tell you that you can't eat your pudding!

I bet Francis was super jazzed about this story idea until walls became associated with idiotic presidential claims. Now people will read Francis's wall analogy and think, "Yeah! Walls keep out the danger and keep us safe! Life is so much better! But I'm not too sure I like that idea about the crack in the wall. Won't some Mexicans get through that?!"

This was a mediocre comic book trying a new riff on the Pinocchio story. White Mercy has become a real girl because she learned all about loyalty from Wonder Woman, joy from Superman, and incapacitating obsession from Batman. Although, since her father is Mongul, it's probably her severe Daddy Issues that enabled her to become real in the DC Universe.

The Ranking!
No change!

Trinity #5

"Hey, has anybody done the thing with Batman in the dark and Superman in the light? Oh, and, um, Wonder Woman like straddling them! The dark and light, not Batman and Superman!" -- Francis Manapul. Probably.

The clerk at my comic book store, while ringing up my comics, picked up this issue and said, "I love this cover." I responded, "Shut the fuck up, you retail monkey." You have to let these comic book clerk nerds know where they stand or, before you know it, they're spoiling every comic book as they ring you up. I admit this guy's comment was benign but if you let them talk, they'll definitely ruin the ending of half your books as they're ringing you out. Or even worse, they'll make faces and fart noises as they look through the books you're reading.

This issue begins with a flashback to how this all started. It began with Poison Ivy tripping her balls off on Black Mercies. While in the Black Mercy dreamworld, she encounters Mongula, Mongul's daughter. That might not actually be her name. Her name could be War-Toddler, for all I know. Poison Ivy adopted her as her own until Mongul shut the door on Pam's Black Mercy hallucinations. Now she's trying to find a way to get her dream daughter back. Is that why she sent Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman into the Black Mercy world? So they can defeat Mongul for her? Also, how did she know that selling the Black Mercy seeds to Jon Smith would catch Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman?

Oh wait. Poison Ivy explains that immediately after I continue reading! I'm so impatient!

Remember how Swamp Thing was attracted to the farm in Superman Annual #1? Same thing here! This soil is the shit!

Back in the Black Mercy Dreamworld, Batman points out that Mongul was last seen buried in Black Mercies. That's probably true! He's been all over the place in The New 52 because DC Comics seems to forget that they have more than six major villains and also that writers are allowed to create new ones. So instead, Mongul attacks and is shunted away to The Phantom Zone. When he's needed again, he appears and then gets shoved under Black Mercies or holed up on Oa or locked in Amanda Waller's Catacombs or whatever. It doesn't really matter as long as there's eventually a plausible reason for him to escape so he can cause more trouble. This plausible reason seems better than most since he's supposedly stuck in the Black Mercy world and attacking from there.

In their fight against Mongul, each of the Trinity points out what Mongul can't stop. Apparently they each mention the thing that most embodies who they are. Superman says, "You can't control our dreams!" Yep, Superman is totally the ideal and the dream of humanity at its best. Batman is all, "Or our actions." Yep, Batman is representative of taking action against those who would abuse others. And Wonder Woman says, "Nor our emotions." Yep, Wonder Woman is a woman.

Mongul explains to the Super Friends how the Black Mercies work and how the plural of Black Mercies is actually Black Mercy but I've been refusing to say that. Also he explains the origin of his daughter.

Such a micro-racism to say Black Mercy are bad and White Mercy is good.

Of course White Mercy isn't 'good' exactly. But she's good for Mongul's ego. I hope White Mercy becomes a major enemy of the Super Sons!

For some reason, the Super Friends' interactions with their younger selves in their dreams have allowed White Mercy to take over the world. It's comic book bad guy logic, so just roll with it. It's usually why super-villains have to monologue their evil plans because they don't usually make a lot of sense.

Clark, Bruce, and Diana awaken but they're being controlled by White Mercy. So once again, fucking Superman is being controlled by a super-villain! This fucker just needs to get off of the Earth because he's the biggest danger to world peace that's ever existed!

The Ranking!
No change!

Trinity #4

This cover is perilously close to an upskirt. It would explain Wonder Woman's stance.

It's time for Wonder Woman's Black Mercy dream where she learns the true power of the uterus! Unless she learns the true weakness of the prostate. Man that thing is weak. It's basically the part of the machine that would have had a factory recall if God fucking gave a shit after Day Six. I mean, God did give a shit after Day Six in that "I'm going to punish the fuck out of these things I've created" kind of way. But it's odd that God never went back to do an edit of Their original work. It's as if God thought They were too perfect to have made any mistakes. That doesn't sound like a perfect God at all! A perfect God would have double-checked Their work a number of times before declaring it was finished.

Although, if you think about Genesis for even half a second more than most Christians who are expressly told what to think about it (which is, coincidentally, exactly half a second), you have an example of God actually having a second go at creating something. First God creates humans and tells them to go forth and multiply. That's all of us non-Jewish heathen monsters (don't believe everybody was killed in Noah's flood! He wasn't the only fucking boat builder in the ancient world)! But then God was all, "You know what? I can make mankind better!" That's when God made Adam and Eve. Notice God didn't tell them to go forth and multiply. God practically told them exactly the opposite! God was all, "Don't learn about fucking, you dum-dums." And they were all, "What's fucking?" And God was all, "That tree wearing all black and smoking over in the corner can tell you. Don't hang out with that tree. Bad influence, that." So, really, the Jewish people are Humans 2.0. They were made from the Earth itself so it's like they're organic humans. All the other humans are like plastic containers.

I don't know how I got from Wonder Woman to gentiles are plastic containers. All I know is that I can't discuss our government trying to burn this country to the ground on this blog anymore. It's fucking killing me (not literally like it's going to be fucking killing minorities, first by not letting refugees into the country, second, possibly, by the government's own hands) but my brain can't be in that space all the time. I have the luxury for it not to be and maybe all this blog can be is be a momentary distraction or a brief respite from the monstrous decisions our "representatives" are making. Also from the idiots who seemingly have no problem with it like this person from my Twitter feed who is only on my Twitter feed because he's a cousin of the Non-Certified Spouse: "If Trump was the fascist dictator some claim, he wouldn't build a wall, he would just invade or annex Mexico". So that seems to be the ground where Trump Defenders are making their stand. "I can't argue logically or rationally about the horrible actions of his first week, so let's get into the semantics of the term 'fascist dictator.'" Go fuck yourself.

Okay, back to the comic books and stupid jokes now. If I feel the need to point out that we civilians will pay the price of our government's actions when the rest of the world has to bomb the shit out of us because we're endangering the world with our terrible anti-everybody-else stance backed by a shit-megaton of nukes, I'll be doing it over on Twitter.

I don't think Diana knows how dreams work.

Dreams have a point of view. And as the protagonist of the dream (whether you're you or somebody else), you are in control of your thoughts and actions. They might not be the same actions you would choose while awake, or they may be stranger thoughts than you're used to having but they all come from your point of view as the protagonist of the dream. What you generally aren't "in control of" is the plot or the locale or the non-player characters. A dream doesn't have to be lucid for the person to be in control of their "character." Lucid just means you're aware that you're dreaming and can then take advantage of dream rules while ignoring the props and backdrop your subconscious has laid out before you. I frequently have sexual dreams where the person I'm about to get intimate with is not the Non-Certified Spouse. Sometimes in the dream, I'll be all, "I can't be doing this! I'm Non-Certifiably Married!" and it ruins the dream. Other times, I think, "Oh wait! This is just a dream! Up periscope, baby!" And sometimes, I'll just not know about my real-life relationships and I'll fuck the vampire until the sun reaches the vampire's head and we climax in a burst of flames!

Shut up. You have weird sex dreams too! Probably!

For some reason, this reminds me of my first sexual experience.

Superman's Black Mercy dream was to see his father live. Batman's Black Mercy dream was to see his father die. And now Wonder Woman's Black Mercy dream is to find out the truth about her home and where she came from and whether or not the Amazons really did rape pirates. Probably not since Greg Rucka is in charge of the Amazon's past now. That guy isn't as keen on rape as Azzarello and Wolfman. I don't actually think Azzarello is keen on rape. Notice I didn't qualify what I think about Wolfman's views.

The Trinity wind up on Themyscira where they're confronted by Amazons.

So it's kind of like some dialect you have heard before? Thanks for the non-information, Batjerk.

Dream Diana saves Real Diana from the Amazons and the Amazons are all, "Fucking kids. You think you're so wise by stopping bloodshed! Pshaw! You'll soon learn!" Then Diana grows up and learns to kill because adults are just tired of dealing with shit. The end.

That wasn't the end of the comic book! That was the end of my side story about growing up! This story continues in the real world where Lois Lane didn't not hit Poison Ivy and her son with the truck when she crashed into the barn. Remember how last issue ended and I was all, "It’s just luck that she doesn’t run them over." Well, um....

Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! Sort of. I mean, well, you know. I totally thought this is what should have happened!

So now Poison Ivy is probably crippled for life thanks to Lois's reckless driving through barn walls. I wanted to spell reckless as "wreckless" because that just seems more correct. I hope Lois remembers to get Poison Ivy to a hospital after this. I'm sure she has internal injuries and a possible skull fracture. Jon is fine though because Poison Ivy pushed him out of the way. She's a hero! A hero in a permanently vegetative state. That's a plant pun! I think!

Poison Ivy takes a hit from a car as well as I do because she's immediately up and punching Lois Lane in the kisser. I didn't punch the woman who hit me with her car but I did jump immediately back up and stand in front of her car so she didn't take off. Jerko hit-and-run monsters! Portland is full of them.

Back on Dream Themyscira, Queen Hippolyta proposes a challenge for the Super Friends. They must prove themselves in the arena! I don't know what they're trying to prove. That they have a right to be on the island? Because if that's what they're trying to prove, Superman and Batman will fail the Penis Challenge.

Luckily for Batman and Superman, the Penis Challenge doesn't take place. I suppose it's not needed since their costumes leave nothing to the imagination anyway. My guess is Batman is circumcised and Superman had multiple attempted circumcisions which ended up in the Kents having to bury another mohel in the field so he doesn't spread word about their uncuttable superbaby.

Wonder Woman is allowed to stay on the island but the men must go to the Dark Quarters. Hippolyta doesn't even ask them if they're men. She just sees the penises through the tight suits and assumes they're men. How ancient way of thinking of them!

Anyway, Wonder Woman chooses to go with her male allies into the Dark Quarters. That's like her dream subconscious where she'll discover the thing she needs to discover thanks to the Black Mercies. Young Dream Diana also manages to go with them, against the wishes of her mother.

The Super Friends make their way deeper into their subconscious worlds where they're attacked by something that is longer than it is wide. It's a sea serpent, you Freudian pervert!

The Super Friends are swallowed by the sea serpent and taken even deeper! Now they're in the sub-subconscious! It's full of lots and lots of things that are longer than they are wide!

Technically this is Diana's sub-subconscious. Apparently all she thinks about are penises. That's what happens when you're raised in a culture that bans them!

As you can see from the scan above, Batjerk has more thoughts on the dialect. But I guess those will have to wait.

Diana spends the next two pages chopping up the longer than they are wide things. I squirm unpleasantly while reading it.

When Diana hacks her way out of the sea serpent, she finds herself face-to-face with Mongul! What a shock! To nobody who reads comic books. I suppose it was a shock to the fake geek girls and the totally real geek boys who just happen to not know about Mongul's connection to the Black Mercies (which is totally understandable). The real surprise twist ending is that Mongul's daughter has come up with this plan. His daughter!? Mongul has a daughter!

I hope this revelation that Mongul has a daughter is brand new so that I don't look like one of those totally real geek boys who just happens to have a blindspot in my geek knowledge (which is totally forgivable). I suppose Mongul is still in the Phantom Zone so he had to have his daughter's help from the outside. Unless Mongul got out since Warworld got out. I have no idea what is going on anymore! Fucking Rebirth! It's like continuity is whatever anybody wants it to be! As if some naked blue nuclear man were altering reality in whatever way pleases him the most.

The Ranking!
+1! Mostly because I love me some Emanuela Lupacchino art!

Trinity #3

Just fucking get over it already.

Only a rich white boy could live such a privileged life that he can afford to mourn the death of his parents for over twenty years. Don't get me wrong! I know other people aside from me would be saddened by he loss of their parents and continue to miss them until the end of their own lives. But most people wouldn't dedicate every single waking hour of every single day to the grief they feel over the loss. I suppose if you have no other hardships in your life, you have to cling to the one time something bad happened to you so that you can pretend that your rich ass life of power and luxury is more of a curse than a blessing. Stop wallowing in your own self-pity, you dick.

On the other hand, Batman's dedication has caused him to beat the shit out of more petty criminals than all of the police working in the United States (which is a lot!). Although maybe that's not really the other hand. Beating up criminals is simply trying to wipe out the symptoms of a bigger problem. Most criminals aren't insane sociopaths with Alice in Wonderland fetishes. They're criminals because poverty and Republican ways of governing have driven them to a desperate last option. Just breaking their jaw and shunting them off to Blackgate isn't solving anything. You can cover up the buboes with some ridiculously expensive make-up but you still have the plague.

Anyway, Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman are all suffering from Black Mercy intoxication so they're hallucinating their pasts. But this time, they have their friends to help them! Superman learned something about his past in the first two issues but I can't remember what it was because it was mushy and emotional and nobody was punched to death. Now it's time for Batman's friends to help him through the most traumatic moment of his life: when he realized his butler would be raising him.

Batman can't find the place where his parents died and he became the Batman. I bet the Court of Owls could find it.

Meanwhile in the non-Black-Mercy world, Jon Smith has been kidnapped by Poison Ivy. Lois is now wondering where her son went although not as much as she's wondering where her husband and Wonder Woman went.

Oh shut up, Diana. Nobody needs your affirmation bullshit right now. Go put it on a blog where a chameleon says it so that everybody can squee over its derivative nonsense.

Through the trip to his past, Batman is allowed to tell himself that it isn't his fault that his parents died. Or that Jason Todd died. Or that Tim Drake died. Or that Barbara Gordon was paralyzed. I mean, of course the last three were his fault! But he gets to tell himself that they weren't his fault at all. Also maybe the Barbara Gordon thing wasn't totally his fault since it happened out of costume. Although The Joker was going after Commissioner Gordon because of The Batman so...well, I guess it's all pretty complicated. Why not let Batman pretend none of the deaths around him were his fault?

Back in reality, Lois Lane drives a truck through a barn wall to save her son from Poison Ivy. It's just luck that she doesn't run them over.

Next month, it's Wonder Woman's chance to forgive her mother! Or herself! Or something.

What Did I Learn?
I've learned that the Republican representatives in the United States government are cowards who care only for getting re-elected by their racist and selfish base of supporters. I can't help it if comic book lessons don't matter enough to mention them in the world we're currently living in! Oh, but I did learn something comic book related! Francis Manapul can't draw more than two monthly comic books in a row before needing fill-in artists!

The Ranking!
No change.

Trinity #2

Batman and Superman seem concerned about Wonder Woman pissing on a skull.

This cover is full of Illuminati symbols, isn't it?! Of course a comic book entitled Trinity would have some kind of occult connection to the mystic ways in which true power is gained! Some of you might be pooh-poohing my statement (unless it's poo-pooing but that sounds gross) as ridiculous and far-fetched! But that's because you've been brainwashed by whatever the Illuminati has allowed to exist in society due to their intense ability to brainwash! Like reading and television and the Internet and religion and food and alcohol and friendship and marriage and having children and mortgages! Oh sure! You may think you wanted all of those things for personal and individual reasons but that's because you've been so brainwashed you don't even know what you really want! All the Illuminati cares about is that you want things that aren't the things they want! And really, who wants power beyond all reason and young children's blood to feed on? Not me because I'm not one of the Illuminated! I can barely stand the taste of the blood of young children! Pee-yuke!

Here on this cover are some of the most powerful symbols the Illuminati use to mark their territory! You have the Upskirting Eagle, the Pooping Scabbard, the Feline Licking the Back of a Head, the Wreath of Weapons, the Judgment of Batman, the Wrong Way Facing Shield, the Divided Breast, and the most mysterious of all of their symbols: the Upside Down Winged M! Truly, this is a feast for the eyes of our lizard kings and queens!

This issue begins with not only Superman being thoroughly confused but every single reader who had to wait a full month for the story to continue. Last issue, everybody was enjoying some after dinner mints out on the porch like people do in the Midwest (or upstate New York (or wherever the stupid Smith farm is now)) when some truly wacky stuff went down. The Trinity began to hallucinate a world within Clark's barn (probably because Jon planted some Black Mercies earlier that day). Now Superman, Wonder Woman, and Batman are trying to figure out what to do with the old man and young boy they're hallucinating, especially since the old man just dropped dead of a heart attack.

I know when I hallucinate other people, I just scream at them to fuck off. Also, I'm never quite sure if somebody I'm interacting with is real or a hallucination, so I scream fuck off just in case. I hope none of my neighbors are real.

Superman manages to do CPR on Pa Kent without turning his body into mashed potato farmer. Batman probably should have done the CPR but when has CPR ever struck fear in the hearts of criminals? Practically never! After coming back from the dead, Zombie Pa Kent recognizes Clark and the symbol on his chest and jumps to the conclusion that he's Alien Child Protective Services and he's come for his alien son. This must be a coded story about Illuminati history, right? Aliens and zombies and people with mysterious symbols on their chests! That must be the reason Francis Manapul is the only person working on this book! DC Comics didn't want to endanger the lives of multiple artists and writers by revealing the secrets of our mysterious lords and masters pulling our strings from behind the scenes!

Yeah, but is that really your father? If he's a hallucination, not your father. If he's from the past, not your father. I suppose he could be from the past of an alternate Earth, but at that point, things are getting too ridiculous to believe!

Superman begins to get all nostalgic and maudlin about his love for his father. It's the worst! So boring and in your face and braggy! "Look at me! I had a loving father! My family life was great and full of love and compassion and affection!" What a jerk! Some of us have lives more like Alice Cooper's song, "Lost in America," you dick!

Meanwhile in the real world that isn't some comic book aberration of time and space working as a plot device to tell a story about the love between a father and his son, Lois Lane and Jon Smith don't worry about Clark's disappearance. That usually happens when Batman comes to dinner. Also, it had better never ever happen again when Wonder Woman comes to dinner, that hussy.

Back in the time anomaly slash hallucination, young Clark Kent has run away thinking that aliens killed his father. While off hiding near Devil's Mouth Falls, so aptly named that I can feel the Illuminati breathing down the back of my neck, young Clark hears somebody whispering to him! It's probably just the sound of the water going over the falls and crashing to the ground which is why the place was named Devil's Mouth Falls! Because it sounds like somebody whispering temptations into your ear! Duh! It's just a natural phenomenon and not a supervillain at all!

Pa Kent quickly realizes the Trinity aren't trying to take his dumb kid away from him. In fact, they might be able to answer all of the questions he has about everything! They're probably angels! They're definitely not lizard people from another dimension! Don't be ridiculous!

Batman is in the bitch seat! Um, Wonder Woman is just in the perfect seat for Wonder Woman! An, um, place of honor next to the driver!

Superman is assuming they've gone back in time. I think they're all just lying in a puddle of each other's drool in the barn while Black Mercies grow up around them. If this is an actual time travel story, I will never read another issue! Although if it's another alternate Earth story, I'm fine with it! Because everybody knows time travel is ridiculous but other dimensions are totally the way things work! For sure! It's like practically proven already since some scientists were all, "The math works! I think!" Of course, the math works on lots of different ways in which a billiard shot can resolve but it only ever resolves the one way due to physical laws! So...um, what was my point?

Batman whispers to Wonder Woman about how Clark is making every mistake he could possibly make in a time travel situation. Well, Batman is making every mistake he can make in trying to say something in a way in which a person with super-hearing can't hear him! Who's the super analytical one now, hunh Bruce?! It's me, motherfucker!

Pa Kent begins talking about walls in the way that Lois Lane was talking about walls last issue. They would have really gotten along well if Pa Kent hadn't died from some weird disease he caught in the Caribbean. Unless this Pa Kent died some other way. Maybe this one lived long enough to make it to the wedding! He certainly didn't die in a car crash on Prom Night! That was the other jerko Superman's dad! Why are there so many Pa Kents?! I'm so confused!

I guess when you become a parent, you begin to obsess over walls to keep your children safe. I think if I had a child, I'd obsess over steel cages in dark basements.

At Devil's Mouth Falls, Superman almost drowns because the water is full of Kryptonite. It's probably part of Mongul's trap! It must be Mongul, right? Who else would talk in purple and yellow speech bubbles? Although why would he need to talk to a hallucination brought on by the Black Mercies planted down at the Smith farm?

Anyway, Batman and Wonder Woman rescue Jon and Pa Kent rescues Superman and everybody hugs and spikes the ball and dances in the end zone and gets a personal foul for excessive (and probably early) celebration.

Back in the real world, Jon wanders out to the barn to find it encased in Black Mercies. He's also quickly overcome as the stranger who sold them to him appears. It's Poison Ivy! She must...um...she's probably...well...I mean...what the fuck does she want with Clark Smith and his family?! She does mention that "he'll take care of" the Trinity in the dream, so that must be Mongul. Is he still stuck in the Phantom Zone and this is the only way he can get to Superman? I have no clue how he can attack them in their Black Mercy dream but that seems to be what's going on. And he must have hired Poison Ivy since who better to cultivate Black Mercy seeds for Earth?

The Ranking!
+1! The art is, as usual for Francis Manapul, spectacular. Is this a story we've seen before? Probably! How many times do we need to be told Superman had a huge gay crush on his father?! And how many times have Black Mercies been used to tell a story of emotional inner turmoil? And how many times have we read a story about a dumb boy accepting magic seeds from a stranger (usually not as sexy as this one, though!)? But putting them all together here, I'm enjoying it. Plus I would never think to criticize a comic book put out by The Illuminati!

Trinity #1

Oh, who fucking cares?

The Commentary!
Do comic book writers still want to pitch stories about these assholes? I have a feeling Francis Manapul went into the pitch meeting with an idea for a clever Gypsy, Hawkman, and Congorilla story. Dan Didio was probably all, "I love it! I love the energy! I love your enthusiasm for the story! I love that you didn't ask to write any Kirby characters since I have dibs on them! But do you think maybe the story would still work with characters who can sell a comic book?"

So that's probably how we wound up with yet another fucking comic book starring Batman and, to a lesser extent, his lessers, Wonder Woman and Superman. I can't fucking wait to see the twist on these characters that absolutely demanded this comic book be made!

This issue begins with Lois Lane spouting off like it's the first five minutes of some overblown drama which you know is going to have you crying your eyes out by the end. She begins by talking about parents and their kids. If this were a Stephen King book, I would already be writing off the kid as roadkill. But it's not! It's a comic book and the kid is Jon Smith, Superman's son. So he'll probably be safe for this story. Hell, everybody will probably be safe for this story! I think the major conflict will be Batman insulting Lois Lane in her own home and refusing to apologize.

Wait. Are there wolves in my walls? Did they go in there to catch the rats?

Lois Lane's metaphor about walls being put up to protect children from wolves is making me crazy. Her point is that walls keep the bad stuff out but eventually the bad stuff will find a way in so the best thing to do is to break down the walls so that the wolves can get in but also the non-wolves can get in to help fight the wolves but most people can't tell the difference between wolves and non-wolves. But Lois can because she's a reporter and thus a better mother than most other mothers who just let all the fucking wolves in the house and watch their children get mauled. So now we know that Lois Lane is a narcissist and possibly insane.

Too bad Lois's son is an idiot who is sneaking wolves behind the wall without her knowing. Apparently he was supposed to go get some fertilizer or something and instead of buying the usual stuff, he took some free shit from some weird fucker. That isn't going to bite everybody in the ass now, is it?! I bet the ass biting begins right around when Batman insults Lois's tea by pointing out Alfred's is way better.

Batman and Wonder Woman are making a friendly visit to the Smith farm. Diana even brought a dead wild boar to butcher. Superman is still on his way home so Lois has more time to kill thinking about walls. Oh! I've got a joke about fences which are basically walls: "Why do good fences make good neighbors? Because people are idiots who constantly forget the part of Robert Frost's poem where he says 'Something there is that doesn't love a wall.'" That wasn't a very good joke, was it? Maybe I should build a wall to keep out criticism of my jokes.

Lois has decided Clark's walls need to come down whether he likes it or not. That's marriage! It's where you step all over another person's feelings and just fuck around with their life without first getting their consent! Unless that's just bad marriage? No, no. It's all relationships. Two people can't live one life. Somebody is always going to be getting the poopy end of the stick.

Over dinner, Clark tells a story about the time Batman wore a Rainbow Suit to protect Robin. The real point of the story is how Batman endangers young children. But that's not a pleasant thought and nobody wants to get into that aspect of the Batman and Robin dynamic. It's better to just figure that it can't be helped and Batman is doing the only thing he can for these young kids and, anyway, they do more to save his life than he does to save theirs. They temper him and make him more cautious and give him a future to care about. Batman, of course, denies the Rainbow Suit (but not the endangering children). He can deny it all he wants! I saw proof of it in the Sugar and Spike story in Legends of Tomorrow #1!

Meanwhile outside, the bad stuff is beginning to happen.

Lois's wall metaphor is abandoned because now she's getting to the part where Clark, Bruce, and Diana need to begin forging a friendship. So now instead of building walls, they're growing...um...relationships? At the end of the night as Clark, Bruce, and Diana talk out in the yard, Clark hears something from the barn. So he goes to check it out and he finds Pa Kent harvesting grain with young Clark behind him. Or something. I don't know. Maybe Jon planted some Black Mercies in the yard or something.

The Ranking!
+1. Manapul's art is gorgeous as always. And he seems to write better than a lot of writer-artists. Also, I'm convinced that this comic book is probably needed. Since DC fucked up everything by making a new Superman that everybody needs to get to know again, DC needs a book where everybody can once again get comfortable with him. I hope once Batman and Diana trust him, this book will stop being Trinity and just become a new version of DC Comics Presents!

Superman: American Alien #5

Clark knew he could have spray painted a skull, right?

Rating: +3 Ranking to 10 of 51 DC Comics. This comic book reminds me why I like comic books. At least, why I like comic books that are written the way I think comic books should be written. The stories have a reason for existing. The characters are true to themselves, or at least true to how I think they should be (which is really everything, right?). There's action but it isn't the main reason for the story. There's human moments. There's great dialogue. And there's humor. Good fucking humor and not stupid lines like "I've got your meatball sandwich right here! *PUNCH!*" I want more comic books like this. Forget about big blockbuster crossovers! I want stories about the characters! I'd love for characters to have guest appearances in each other's books to keep the whole universe feeling shared but they don't need to all take a back seat to some universal threat that eats up the majority of the pages with a shitty end of the universe plot. I want heroes being friends and helping each other! I want supporting casts who have their own identities and who have personalities or abilities the hero finds valuable. I want writers who plan scripts around the characters instead of putting the characters into plots the writer wants to tell and will tell no matter what character DC lets them write. Oh, and I want comic books that look as good as Francis Manapul makes comic books look!

• I've heard it said (or just made it up in my own head right now) that Max Landis writes as if he wants people to talk about how Max Landis writes. I know that's how I write! I mean, so people talk about how I write and not how it's painfully obvious I've stolen everything I write from Max Landis. All I know is that Max Landis writes the perfect Superman in the first three pages of this comic book. It's simple. It's text book. How is it that other writers miss the entire point of Superman and Max Landis can whip out a three page story that says, "This is Superman. Write Superman stories like this but longer."

• Some people are probably thinking to themselves, "What the fuck are you on about, Tess? How about actually writing something coherent instead generalizing and sucking off Max Landis.

• In the opening scene, Superman stops a crime. He stops people from getting hurt. He does it without using violence. He destroys weapons that might eventually hurt somebody. And he gives the criminals a second chance. He's more compassionate than Jesus. Or maybe just as compassionate. I can see Clark nitpicking shit about Lois and Jimmy and Perry over dinner too. "Perry denied my articles! Lois betrayed my love! Jimmy neglected his pet dog!"

• Lois and Clark have lunch where Lois explains copyright law to Clark and how the "superman" is going to lose out on all of his rights to the name he eventually chooses if he remains anonymous. I bet Bruce Wayne winds up with the trademark.

• Superman makes a note to never save the deli that put too many onions on his sandwich from robbers or vandals.

• Superman comic books need more interactions like this. It continues on the next page and it is adorable. Superman needs to be seen as adorable more than he needs to be seen as a violent bad-ass.

• Parasite begins attacking a mall and Superman flies in to help. Instead of the cops mistrusting him and acting like they don't need his help, they accept him as another tool to help stop the violence. Imagine that! Good people working together to stop a disaster!

• Superman stops Parasite by dropping him in the bay where he loses all of his energy and reverts to a naked human. Before the guy passes out, he tells Superman that Luthor did this too him.

• Okay, it's time to spit Landis's dick out of my mouth and point out where he went wrong. When Superman goes to confront Luthor, he throws the poor naked guy through the window of Luthor's office. Superman might be naive (like in how he trusts the guy's word that Luthor was behind it (Max gets that right when Luthor questions Superman on accepting anything he hears)) but why would he figure Luthor victimized this guy and then use the guy as a battering ram to break Luthor's office window? What a dick! Oh wait! Landis got that part right too! Superman, even when he's being written well, always winds up doing something totally dickish! Let me put Landis's dick back in my mouth.

• Fsh maad me lurh--SPITTOO! Sorry. This made me laugh!

• Luthor hands Superman his verbal ass and Superman slinks off to think of a comeback hours later that he should have used.

• Lois gives Clark a pep talk which he really needed after Lex shit all over his Superman idea. And now he's ready to be the good guy Metropolis needs! You know, until they all act like xenophobic jerks and pretend they don't need him anymore.

Justice League #46

Was there not one female Looney Tunes character that wasn't a knockoff of a male character? Was Tweety female?!

The Justice League have all turned into Gods except for Cyborg because nobody believes in a God of Computers. That's just silly. And Wonder Woman is already a God which is why she didn't get her own special comic book and not because she's a woman at all. I mean, you'd think giving one-shots to all the white males while leaving the black guy and the woman out might be seen by some in an unfavorable light. Although most people might just view it as DC Comics' Regular Policy of not giving a fuck about anybody but white male readers even though they spent all that money screaming at us about how inclusive they're now being because this is the DC YOU, GODDAMMIT! But that's just the cynical way of reading events while purposefully ignoring the facts. Simply put, Wonder Woman is already a god which would make it impossible for her to become another god. And making a God of Computers is practically a paradox if you don't think about it at all and just shut up already.

This issue begins with Wonder Woman Godsplaining things to the reader. "Gods aren't always born! Sometimes they're made! Now I'm going to use a clay analogy because WINK! GET IT?!" She then goes on to tell the tale of Queen Ino who was transformed into a god on the day she committed suicide. This story parallels the Justice League's current situation in that it tells the story of a mortal becoming a god. The point of the story to Wonder Woman?

Technically, there still would have been an Odyssey except it would have been different and probably much shorter. Technically technically, without Homer there would have been no Odyssey.

Forget what Wonder Woman is saying. I think what Geoff Johns is saying is "I'm writing the next fucking Odyssey, bitches!"

The current battle on Earth is taking place between Wonder Woman, Mister Miracle, Cyborg, Steve Trevor, and Power Ring on the good side and Kalibak, Lashina, Steppenwolf, and that New God assassin with the name that begins with "K" that my brain is selfishly keeping for itself on the bad side. I suppose it will prove to be super exciting minus the bit where Steve Trevor is killed instantly.

Although--let's face it--watching Steve Trevor killed on-panel will be pretty cool.

Kanto (that's his stupid name!) manages to stab Mister Miracle in the side with a magic knife because being the universe's greatest escape artist isn't quite good enough if you're facing the universe's greatest assassin. Although even when Mister Miracle has no hand in it, he manages to escape. This time he gets lucky because Big Barda appears saying, "There you are! Are we finally going to have a New 52 relationship that isn't bullshit Earth-2 garbage that makes no sense and pits us against each other because Dan Didio has issues with positive portrayals of relationships?!" She then precedes to hand Kanto his asshole on a silver platter. That's a cute image, right?

Ah yes! This dialogue is reminiscent of the best lines from the great Greek tragedies!

Whenever a writer uses the "VERB THIS!" one-liner, I always read it as "I am on a deadline and cannot spend time thinking up a clever retort so I will just insert this piece of placeholder writing and come back later to punch it up but I'm really just kidding myself because I'll never have time to fix it and it's going to print like this and I should be fucking embarrassed."

Mister Miracle introduces Steve Trevor to Big Barda as "his wife." Way to make it all about you, prick. She has her own fucking first name! It's "Big"! Try using it next time!

So after Big Barda defeats everybody except Lashina in about two panels (Lashina needs to be conscious to say something totally bitchy, of course), this happens:

Which is followed by this:

Which is basically a pantomime of "Superman just got fucking dumped and Wonder Woman and Steve Trevor are going to be banging the shit out of each other in an alley in about thirty minutes."

I say "Superman just got fucking dumped" as if Superman hasn't already broken up with Wonder Woman because this Justice League continuity is totally different from the other DC Youniverse continuity. And if it simply takes place at some point before the current DC You continuity then maybe it explains the real reasons behind why Superman broke up with Wonder Woman. Because he superhears Wonder Woman coming her brains out thirty-three minutes from now.

Lashina tells Barda that she's going to tell on Barda to Granny Goodness while Darkseid's smoking remains lie in the background. Lashina doesn't say, "I totally get it, Barda! I loved my freedom too when I was a member of the Suicide Squad! Go and be happy with Scot Free! I will envy you every day and probably take your huge barbed dildo since you won't be needing it anymore, right?"

Lashina and Barda exchange harsh words while Cyborg is all, "I think I'll stand on this overturned bus in the background. Does that look cool? I look totally cool now, right?" Kalibak interrupts the threats and posturing by making everybody uncomfortable watching him cry over his father's corpse. He decides that they don't need to fight the Justice League. It's time to go on an odyssey and hunt down the Anti-Monitor!

Meanwhile, Metron is trapped in the Rock of Eternity because some Batdick thought it was his right to simply take one of Metron's most prized possessions. This would be part of my evidence for the trial Batman vs. Justice in which I make the argument that Batman only uses his supposed obsession for justice to selfishly do whatever the fuck he wants and to make loads of money as Bruce Wayne by buying property in poor neighborhoods at a steal and then cleaning up those neighborhoods and gentrifying the shit out of the neighborhood now owned mostly by Wayne Enterprises.

Apparently Superwoman was starving on Earth-3. Wasn't she worried about the health of her Batbaby?

Wonder Woman is thinking about the Crime Syndicate because their world was destroyed by the Anti-Monitor. So it's time to go ask Superwoman some questions.

Oh yes. Breaking into a government facility for justice is always better than trying to point out to bureaucrats how the fate of the world hangs in the balance and maybe Wonder Woman might be allowed a moment with Superwoman and her lasso in this instance. Seriously. I wasn't being sarcastic. Fucking bureaucrats are assholes.

Mister Miracle points out that if the Justice League needs to get in somewhere, he can get them in. Meanwhile Cyborg stands in the background with his shoulders slumped, a small teardrop over his forehead, and exhaling a puffy cloud of breath. I suppose it's better to rely on people who have used BOOM Tube technology their entire lives but I'm sure Cyborg would at least appreciate being acknowledged.

Cyborg, Power Ring, Big Barda, and Mister Miracle go on the mission to speak with Ultraman and Superwoman. Yeah. That makes sense. Leave the person with the polygraph lasso behind when going to get information out of hostile individuals.

Wonder Woman probably chose the away team so that she could be alone with Steve Trevor and that alley.

Whew! I'm glad he didn't have to superhear the banging. But he did superhear Wonder Woman say she doesn't love him. That's probably the seed of why he ended it before she could. Poor baby.

Superman decides his best move is to grab Steve Trevor by the head and threaten him. He really is naive, isn't he? That move just put Wonder Woman firmly in Steve Trevor's pants. I mean camp.

Batman is currently still obsessing over The Joker because what else can he do with a chair that gives him all the knowledge of everything? This totally isn't proof that he's a selfish twat incapable of actually caring about helping the world. It's all about him, isn't it?

The Flash is still racing Death.

Shazam is flying around space.

Green Lantern is headed to Gotham to talk Batman out of becoming BatParallax.

Lex Luthor is plotting.

Grail is recovering the anti-life equation from the Anti-Monitor so that he becomes meaningless to the story. This is my second reason that I just came up with for thinking Darkseid is dead for good. Grail will become the next ruler of Apokolips when this is over! This is the DC You, dammit! It's time a woman was the ultimate evil in the universe! Except that Grail's last words as she cuddles the anti-life equation are "Because death is too good for Darkseid." She's both not very good at being a huge super villain and awesome at it all at the same time! Because this is exactly how the greatest super villains sabotage their own plans! So see? Awesome and not very good at the same time!

Justice League #46 Rating: No change. I almost gave this comic book an increase in rankings and then remembered that Wonder Woman sent the exact wrong team to Belle Reve. She chose the team so poorly that they BOOM Tubed outside of Belle Reve because they have no idea exactly where Ultraman and Superwoman are being kept. Who might? Oh, that's right! Steve Trevor! So the person with the knowledge of where they need to go and the person with the tool to get information out of the people they're trying to find are the two people who didn't go on the mission. She should have picked Cyborg to take them since why is she trusting Barda and Mister Miracle with the fate of the world?! And here's a thought that maybe makes the entire trip to Belle Reve a waste of time: just fucking ask Power Ring's ring, Volthoom! I'm sure Jessica could trick it into revealing something. Or perhaps it would just like to give all the information it has on the Anti-monitor because it has a strong sense of self-preservation, right?! Another point that irked me even though I'm generally enjoying this entire story is that Grail was given the title "Goddess of Anti-Life." That's just stupid in a way that makes me not want to explain how stupid it is because it's so stupid I don't want to think about it anymore plus I'm lazy and it's easier to not come up with a reason. Oh! I'm not at all bitter or jealous that Geoff Johns insinuated he's a modern Homer at all and that nobody has ever called me the Internet Blogger's Answer to Herman Melville.

This has been a free taste of my wonderful reviews! This one is free to, you know, try to get people interested in spending one dollar per month to read the rest of my commentaries. As King Beauregard says about me: “[Y]ou have interesting things crawling around in your head.” How does he know that?! Now I'm going to feel movement in my head for the rest of the day. Thanks a lot! I probably need to find good quotes about my site from people other than just King Beauregard and Gail Simone! If you’d like to support me and maybe get me to offer even more freebies (sure, why should you pay when other people will get them for free? Probably because you’re a totally terrific and swell person!), please head on over to Patreon and sign up for one dollar (or more!) per month. It’s totally worth it for the email notifications of new posts alone!

The Darkseid War: Lex Luthor #1

Oh is the Darkseid War still happening?

How many people believe that Darkseid is truly dead forever and will never return to the DC Youniverse? Just me?

Hear me out before your rolling eyes pop out of your head from scoffing so loud! DC now has an ultimate evil in the form of the Anti-Monitor, so why do they need Darkseid too?

That was it. That was my argument! Was it convincing?! Maybe I should remind you that I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader so that you'll nod your head in agreement and mutter, "That's a really good point."

Maybe instead of killing Darkseid for good, they can simply take away all of his powers forcing him to be stuck on Earth where he has to get a job at McDonalds?

This McDonalds ad ran in 1976 during the brief "Apokolips Meal" campaign which eventually morphed into the whole Happy Meal thing.

This issue begins with Lex Luthor boringly saying, "Darseid is dead. Long live Lex Luthor." It's like he's not a genius at all! He's just a bore like every other person in the world and/or on Apokolips! Have you noticed that I like using the "and/or" clause construction? Even when it's not necessary and/or doesn't make any sense to use!

As Lex Luthor turns into Lexseid, he remembers a time he fell in a well when the light was really weird and dampened all of the colors so that I thought maybe there was something wrong with the printing process that developed this comic book. It even frightened me for a brief second as I thought cataracts had suddenly descended upon me! But that only lasted for a split second before I looked around my office and noticed the bright vibrant colors of my Sailor Moon lunchbox were still bright and vibrant.

It's a good thing the colors are as muted as they are or else I wouldn't have realized it was a memory of Lex's since the young person that is presumably Lex has a lot of hair and was dumb enough to fall in a well.

This scene is a metaphor for DC Comics going back to their Daddy Issues well.

Lex Luthor's clothes were burnt off during the Omeganing so now he has to climb a mountain in Apokolips with his dick flopping out. Unless his dick is the kind of dick that just kind of pokes out of the pubic hair like a barnacle waiting for some boobies to turn it into a majestic Rod of Showmanship +3. He is a Caucasian and Caucasians tend to be growers because if they were showers (SHOW-ers and not showers like the water falling) then their ancestors' dicks would have gotten frostbite and been useless. So showers never procreated in the cold climates of the north because their dicks fell off leaving only generations of growers. Meanwhile Africans were swinging their dicks around naked because they didn't have to worry about dickfreeze. And obviously a naked shower is much more enticing than a naked grower so they created generations of showers. It's totally obvious and almost certainly true biological history of the evolution of wieners. I stand by my research (conducted mostly in the locker room at the local Planet Fitness).

Lexseid decides he doesn't need his Apokoliptian Yoda and tries to kill her. But instead of killing her, he explodes, leaving him hanging off of a cliff which is the perfect time to have another memory!

The time Perry White snowballed him is a weird memory to have while nearly dying.

While hanging from the cliff, we get a pretty good shot of Lex's cock.

Well, Mr. Luthor, I apologize for assuming you were a grower.

Ardora, Lex's Yoda, offers to help pull him up from the ledge just like Lex's father didn't do when he was in the well. This is the moment when a character's heart would usually grow three sizes. But those characters aren't usually full of low self-esteem and not Omega Energy. Lex is also full of memories so he decides to remember when he first met Superman and Superman also attempted to help save his life (even though Superman was going to give him up to the authorities afterward). That time, Lex decided not to take Superman's help because he remembered how his father told him asking for help was for pussy baby whiny dum-dums. And Superman wasn't going to make a pussy baby whiny dum-dum out of Lex Luthor! Luthor would rather die than rely on charity! Or at least he'd rather die than have anybody find out that he once relied on charity because that would destroy his entire philosophy about how charity makes people weak and they might realize his two greatest books were written by a selfish charlatan who was merely embracing any philosophy that justified his greed! Oh, sorry. I was thinking of Ayn Rand.

Ardora's efforts to save Lex with little thought to her own safety cause Lex's Omega Energy to grow three sizes instead of his heart. Or maybe both grew. Along with something else, if you get my sneaky innuendo!

Lexseid and the Omega Energy become bosom pals which leads to Lex Luthor becoming the new ruler of Apokolips. Which means he now has an army of parademons to help achieve his goals. Which probably means he's going to use them for stupid shit like destroying The Daily Planet out of petty revenge and trying to convince everybody that Superman is an asshole. Oh wait, he doesn't have to do that latter one since Lois took care of it months ago.

The Darkseid War: Lex Luthor #1 Rating: Compared to most of the other Darkseid War tie-ins, this one was really good. Like the other one I liked (Green Lantern, I think? It's been so long since I read it!), this story was really driven by the character of Lex Luthor and less by the awesome spectacle of the event transforming the character into a god. I could have done with less Luthor ass and cock though.

The Darkseid War: Superman #1

This outfit would look better with white underwear.

The Justice League have all become gods and are now acting crazy. Well, Wonder Woman didn't get to become a god because she already was a god and also why should a female superhero get her own one shot? As if anybody is going to buy it! Look at how poorly the Jem and the Holograms movie did! Not that anybody knew it was coming out. It turns out, you do have to market your film if you expect people to go and see it! Of course if your actual goal was to have your movie fail because you wanted to prove some kind of point, the Jem movie was a complete success! Seriously though, the only time I even heard of the Jem movie was seeing sponsored ads on my Tumblr feed. I think their advertising budget was however much it costs to sponsor an ad on Tumblr for a few hours. It's also possible that the company releasing the movie really loved the way Idiocracy wasn't marketed and they hired the same firm. Their motto must be, "It's a movie! The name's on the marquee! People will see it! Chill out!"

Superman is currently murdering aliens on his way back to Earth. He's not seeking them out to kill them because he's not Twat Lobo. But they're seeking him out to kill him because then they'll be the life of every party they ever go to after that. Everybody will fawn over their new Superman skin jacket and spit curl necklace. But Superman is super angry right now and he doesn't have time for sissy things like not punching somebody until their head explodes. He's also in a hurry to get back to Earth and have some seriously angry sex with Wonder Woman.

I'm so outraged at people always being outraged!

Being outraged on the internet is like being good at Call of Duty. You feel good about meaningless accomplishments that ultimately just wind up with some other person crying at the other end of the connection. Especially when you play Call of Duty against me because I am merciless with the amount of times I'll call you garbage or the number of ways I'll point out I had sex with your mom and dad.

Superman doesn't actually kill the alien that attacked him earlier. I was just being outrageous and cynical. Instead he crashes it through the wall of the Daily Planet and then humiliates it in front of his old coworkers by calling it short and stinky. Then Supes heads off to find Wonder Woman's vagina.

But first: PIE!

Superman throws a fit about not getting his pie fast enough which I totally understand. The part I don't understand is why I'm supposed to be interested in a Superman story about some guy who isn't Superman. Why exactly has Superman become an even bigger cock than usual? Because he was charged with Apokolips power? And having suddenly been fueled by this dark power to be really strong and angry, why exactly is he stopping to eat pie? Because it's funny, I guess?

The entire city of Metropolis begins being consumed by some black tar released by the puny, stinky alien. Jimmy Olsen tries to get Superman's help but Superman is eating his pie. So naturally, Superman throws Jimmy Olsen through a window. Christ, Superman. You can't just steal another superhero's gimmick! Have some respect for The Defenestrator, may he rest in peace!

No, he came for a slice of figurative pie! Now where the hell is Wonder Woman already?!

Jimmy Olsen gives Superman a pep talk to try and reach the real Clark deep within the new god Clark. But it's all lies. Every single thing Jimmy says is a lie. He says Superman hears the people's adoration for him. What adoration? Everybody fucking hates him now! He says Superman hears the love they have for him in the beating of their hearts! Love?! More like fear! If I were Superman, I'd probably fry Jimmy's face with my heat vision for making a mockery of my recent pain!

After Metropolis is completely covered in goo and everybody is dead, Superman meets a pigeon and has a change of heart. I know you're looking back at the scan of the cover and thinking, "That's not a pigeon, Tess. You're a fucking cunt." Well I respond to that with "Such language, every reader who just read that which means you thought it just like I said you would. Also, yes, I know. But it's a pigeon in the comic book. I guess Superman contemplating a pigeon isn't the most artistic image. It's actually kind of gross." So after that Superman decides to save the city in the grossest way possible.

Okay, fine. I suppose I can think of ways grosser than spitting on everything. Which this scene could represent. What if I were to say the panels that preceded this scene were of Superman sucking his own cock?

Superman's sperm eats away all of the black goop and everybody is saved. Except for Superman. He's still all fucked up but at least he knows it now. He flies off to Justice League #46 to spend that issue reverting to normal before getting back to whatever's left of The Darkseid War now that Darkseid is dead.

The Darkseid War: Superman #1: The premise of these Darkseid War tie-in books seems to be that gods don't give a shit about people. Is that really the case? Well, sure, the gods of Earth never seem to lift a finger to help humanity, so you might think that's what god's do. They simply ignore creation and reality. But the real truth is that god's don't exist! That's why it seems they're so lazy and aren't doing anything. Because they're not actually there and they're just figments of our imagination! Have you ever heard a schizophrenic speaking about their view of reality? Have you ever sat there and just thought, "How can they think any of that stuff? It's so wild and outlandish!" Well that's me listening to all of you go on and on about god and heaven and Jesus and sin and Allah and Buddha and Odin and the Easter Bunny. But the really crazy thing is how I'm seen as pitiful and crazy for thinking the way I do simply because the majority of people are of the perfect intelligence (um, you know!) to believe in mounds and mounds of bullshit. Oh! And here's another thing that sucks! Because I'm saying what I think (which is the truth, by the way!), I'll be labeled as mean and hateful and arrogant (okay, so maybe I'm some of those things! But only god should get to judge!)! And yet religious people judge and condemn people all of the time bathed in the aura of their self-righteous faith (otherwise known as arrogance!)! I'm not stopping you from believing whatever crap you want to believe by pointing out that it's crap. I might be hurting your feelings but why the fuck would that matter if you're faithful?! Just shake your head and pity me for being too stupid to see the truth! Go ahead, I'm used to it! And I'll keep smirking in that way that I smirk because everything is a joke to me anyway! Remember, I'm full of hyperbolic outrage and very real cynicism!

Justice League #45

Whoo whoo!

The first page of this comic book is three black panels. Two of the panels have some red blotches and one panel has a "ping" sound effect. I'm not happy with this beginning. If I wanted to feel like a jackass by reading crap I resented paying for, I'd get a book of Rudyard Kipling's poetry.

You all owe me eighteen cents.

You know what? I'm also going to write a Rudyard Kipling poem!

Brown People Need Help

White people make things better! We have the best skills of all nations.
Brown people are like, "Duh?! What is cities? Gorp! Der!"
Rule Britannia! Rule Britannia! We have the best civilizations!
Brown people can't rule because they are full of torpor!
Read my children's books, impressionable youngsters! Kipling out...of opium! Yoink!

Shit. I didn't even get to the second page before I complained! It's just a full page image of a dripping horseshoe! If I'd known I was going to be ripped off two full pages, I would have been angrier! Although being angry enough to write a parody Rudyard Kipling poem which might be misunderstood or taken out of context was already pretty angry. I should be more careful about what I write because some unintelligent readers who think they know enough about everything to deconstruct anything might Youthsplain some things to me.

So last issue, Darkseid was killed by the Anti-monitor using The Black Racer as a weapon. Also the Black Racer is now The Flash.

Or is it Steve Urkel?

Mister Miracle points out that The Flash is now cursed to be The Black Racer until he dies. And The Flash is all, "This is a curse?! No way! I'm the God of Death! I've got a cool black costume and I know how to ski! Iris will totally open her legs for me now without having to pretend I love her nephew!"

On Apokolips, Superman is still an asshole. He's full of Apokolips energy which totally makes sense because Geoff Johns came up with it so it must make sense. Although is Superman really any different than he's been since The New 52 began? He really has been a grumpy puss lately. But now he's a weird polarized version of himself. He and The Flash are going to look great together. Superman destroys Lex Luthor's armor and strands him on Apokolips before heading back to Earth. That's probably going to be a mistake. I give Lex five hours before he's the next ruler of Apokolips.

Batman decides that he and the Batchair are going to go back to Gotham City and save it because that seems like a reasonable use of a chair that gives you all the knowledge of everything forever. Use it to make one city safe from maniacs. Classic Batman!

Apparently the Parademons are mostly moth.

Lex Luthor meets the Forgotten People on Apokolips. I guess they're the opposite of the Forever People. It's exactly the type of clever nameplay Geoff Johns likes to come up with when he's reinventing the DC Youniverse. It's also possible the Forgotten People have already been invented but this has Johns' semen all over it. The Forgotten People are all, "We're in comics so of course we have a prophecy that tells us the future and helps us react appropriately to keep the plot moving. Are you the farm boy orphan hero from Smallville that's actually a super awesome person or something?" And Lex is all, "Yep! How'd you know? Totally me. If straw existed on Apokolips, I'd be chewing on some! Yee haw! Boy howdy!"

Back on Earth, Barry begins to argue with himself and then runs away, just like always. I guess I'll see you in your special One Shot, Barry! Bye! The next person to flee to their One Shot is Shazam when he becomes the God of All of the Gods. I think that means he just committed blasphemy in every single religion in the universe.

Darkseid is dead and the Anti-Monitor has disappeared with his forces. The parademons have rushed off to fly erratically around the Green Power Battery on Oa (or Mogo (or wherever it is in Geoff Johns' version of the DC You). But Kalibak, Lashina, Steppenwolf, and probably some other jerks are still hanging around thinking they can beat the Justice League. But seriously, who takes Kalibak seriously now? Everybody heard about that time Alfred Pennyworth the Cat devised a plan which relied on Kalibak slipping on cow manure and which totally defeated him.

Meanwhile the Omega Effect returns to Apokolips and chooses a new leader.

Yep. I'd say that was about five hours.

Justice League #45 Rating: No change. This issue was basically a prologue for the One Shots coming out across the next few weeks. I'm not sure why I knew there were six of them coming out but while reading this book, I couldn't figure out who the sixth book was going to focus on. I actually thought Cyborg and Shazam were going to merge because wasn't that in one of the visions of Myrina's midwife? I had no idea that Lex was going to actually become the next Darkseid. I just figured he'd manipulate everybody and talk them into letting him rule. I do still have one question after reading this issue though: who thought Arrow, Deadman, and Mister Miracle were good figures to begin the DC Comics Icons action figure toy line?

Bizarro #2

YOU! Got what I neeeeeeeeeed! But you say he's just a friend! You say he's just a friend. OH BABY!!

My dream is to be the Biz Markie of comic book reviewers! Have I succeeded yet?! My pockets aren't full of cash so I'm going to assume the answer is no. But that's not a problem on my side! That's a problem with the sophistication and intelligence of the people not giving me scads of cash. Jerks! I bet all those people with money are sitting around talking about their money and how excited they are to have Bloom County back after they quickly read the Bloom County Wikipedia to find out what all the hubbub was about. Hey! I'm super artsy and popular and funny too! At least I could be popular if everybody started talking about me! You should be the first people to talk about me on social media sites because that would make you cool and cutting edge! You could build the bandwagon! Also, you should be an investor with lots of money who isn't expecting a return on that money because I'm just going to spend it on Oreos and fines for masturbating in public.

Hmm. Since Bizarro is rated E for Everyone, I probably shouldn't mention masturbating in the commentary for it. Although, as long as I don't make a big deal about the word "masturbation" and call attention to it, all the young Everyones won't know what it is or how much time they'll be spending doing it in a few years!

Hey DC Comics! Leave the poorly drawn stick people crayon pages to me! You'll be hearing from my pretend lawyer whose never lost a pretend case in his life.

I've been reading the second edition of The Norton Anthology of Modern Poetry published about twenty years ago because I really like poetry by old white people and Langston Hughes as well. What I have discovered so far is that I don't appreciate Gerard Manley Hopkins at all. It's as if he decided he was going to write the most incomprehensible comic book reviews poetry he could think of, throw in a bunch of references to Jesus and Mary, and add a bunch of accent marks to make sure everybody was stressing his syllables correctly. As if it mattered! His meter is fucking--and I'm being quite technical in my poetry criticism lingo here--wackadoodle! Maybe it's just me. I have to admit some of his meter and schemes are quite clever, and he never makes them easy by not ending sentences where they usually end in low grade amateur poetry (at the end of the line! Duh!). I think people like him because he's difficult and liking difficult poetry makes a person better than a person who doesn't like difficult poetry. They get to look down their snobby noses at the dissenter and say things like, "You just don't understand it." Oh, I understand it's crap, jerk! Sometimes I like difficult poetry! But I certainly don't like Gerard Manley Hopkins' difficult poetry! Although that one where the nuns drown was hilarious.

Gosh darn it, Bizarro! Now a whole generation of kids are going to think King Tut was Pharaoh during the time of Moses! Thanks for contributing to Dumb Kids Who Don't Know Their Bible Culture!

I'm sure glad God is fooled by changing the "d" in his name to "sh"! That way I can get away with committing blasphemy whenever I stub my toe or rant at a fictional character! Watch this! "Hey Gosh! Suck it! Your son Jeezly Crow is garbage!" Hee hee! The best part is I can't be punished on a technicality! God is dumb! I mean Gosh is dumb! Crap!

Schlemiel! Schlimazel!

As an areligious kid growing up in Northern California, I had no idea that Schlemiel or a Schlimazel was anything other than complete nonsense. I don't think I learned of the existence of Jewish people until that commercial with the son and his grandfather fishing where the kid is a huge transphobic, misogynistic, anti-semitic bigot. Even back then, I knew to yell at the television set within earshot of people who would nod in assent and approve of my views, "That kid is gross! He should be shunned and destroyed!"

Oh! I forgot I was reading Bizarro. Um, Jimmy Olsen is freed from Tut's spell by Bizarro's penis chewing on his skull. Don't worry! It doesn't have to make sense! This book is rated E for Everyone. Have you read a children's book lately? They're worse than a poem by Gerard Manley Hopkins! I wish my middle name were "Manley" and then people would just assume I knew about cars and sports and pleasuring women without always embarrassing me by asking me questions I can't answer. Like "What is an engine?" and "How many sports does a sportsball score?" and "Why would I have sex with you?"

Bizarro's penis also slaps Tut's daughter in the head, breaking the spell on her as well. I should probably remember her name because it might seem sexist that I can't remember it as opposed to seeming like I have a serious brain injury which I wish I had right now to defend against any accusations of sexism.

What's her name's boobs look hot, right?

Bizarro uses Super-Hypnosis to defeat King Tut by making him think he's a chicken. I don't know what Bizarro really thought he was turning King Tut into because I don't know what the opposite of chicken is. When Tut drops his Staff of Ra, Jimmy Olsen breaks it over his knee releasing a huge amount of destructive magic energy! No, no. It just breaks in two. So unbelievable.

Does Superman have Super-Hypnosis? I suppose he would have the opposite of that power which is Super-Gullibility?

After Jimmy and Bizarro are given medallions and a convertible for saving the people of Smallville from buying some cars, they leave town, presumably for Gotham if the cover can be believed. Regina, King Tut's daughter, decides she needs to get revenge on Bizarro for turning her father into an Indigo Girl's song. Part of her motivation might also be the influence of the Staff of Ra after she repairs it. Also she might be mad at Jimmy Olsen for not kissing her after she gave him a car.

In Gotham, Jimmy Olsen snaps a picture of Kelley Jones' Batman throwing a Batarang into Bizarro's head. Next they stop off at Central City where Jimmy snaps a picture of Bizarro clotheslining The Flash as he runs by. Jimmy must have a pretty fast shutter speed! Unless it's something else about cameras that lets them capture fast moving objects. Like the aperture! Or the cell phone plan!

After evading the ARGUS Agents that have been following them across the country, Jimmy and Bizarro head into a ghost town where Jimmy gets to meet another fantastic looking woman he's not going to do it to. I mean, he's not going to do it to her because she's going to be a fully fleshed out character who is not just in the comic as a romantic foil for Jimmy Olsen. She won't be that at all! But she must still have nice bosoms and a nice behind, of course, or else all the male fans will throw the book down in disgust while scratching their huge bellies and wondering why the room smells like old farts and sniffing the hand that was just scratching their balls to determine if they should take a shower or not before the big Magic Tournament later that night.

Chastity Hex am not stripper name at all!

Night falls and the ghosts come out and I inscribe "Chastity Hex" on the inside of my Secret Diary where I keep the names of all of my crushes.

Bizarro #2 Rating: No change. It am not funny at all. By which I mean it has quite a few moments that really entertained me. It's a cute book!