Suicide Squad Most Wanted: El Diablo and Killer Croc #3

Killer Croc stars in Battle Royale: Crete!

The El Diablo Review!
At one point in the story, quite early on, El Diablo says, "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you." At that moment, I lowered my head and thought, "I can't do this anymore. I just...I can't read boring writers who quote things everybody has heard because it's used every fucking where fucking else. Also fucking." I would be embarrassed to hand in a script which contained a line I've heard countless times in other sources. I would be all, "To write, or not to write! That is the question! Whether tis nobler to something something or whatever." Right off the tip of my tongue, that! I would totally finish the line if I could be bothered to expend my talents on this review of a story that already proved itself to be mediocre bullshit on page nine. Oh man. I was already on page nine?! It felt like I was only on the second page when this sense of futility crashed down upon me! Anyway, I should probably finish reading this. After all, I did pay $3.74 for it (after discount!).

Oh, after El Diablo farts that garbage from his mouth, he and Azucar make out. Whew! I was worried Jai Nitz wasn't going to weld an improbable love story onto this mess. I've had it with love stories! Now, so far they've just kissed, so it's entirely possible this will just be a stray path into Fistington and that'll be that. But we all know that any stupid comic book aimed at teens always gets it wrong and puts love ahead of sex. Love isn't a real thing! Love is just the feeling in your stomach that's like when the roller coaster crests that first hill and begins plummeting down the steepest descent! Except the feeling isn't caused by gravity; it's caused by the fearful realization that a person who doesn't totally seem to be disgusted by you will get to know the real you and flee as fast they can, just like every other person you've gotten close to. But that feeling also makes the orgasms better. The best you can hope for is that they'll become too lazy and unmotivated to ever leave your boring ass. It's not as if you aren't thinking the same thing about them! Relationships are always weighing whether or not it's time to quit before the other person fires you.

This is the most romantic dialogue I've read in years!

El Diablo runs into Catwoman choking Cluemaster in his office. So I guess they're fucking too? It's hard to tell what's sex and what's conflict and what's plans for the future because everybody is acting so weird! El Diablo and Azucar just began kissing while swapping origin stories. I certainly didn't expect them to get naked during that. So when El Diablo walks in on Catwoman dressed in leather with her whip around Cluemaster's neck and a laptop under her arm, you can understand how I might think they're fucking. It's far more sexy than telling somebody how they got their job with Checkmate. That didn't make me want to fuck Azucar at all!

Some woman who escaped the Suicide Squad breaks up the fight (oh yeah! There was a fight between Catwoman and El Diablo!) and forced Catwoman to give the laptop to El Diablo. She doesn't reveal who she is. If she's been seen before, my brain has decided it wasn't worth keeping the information. She does use some kind of Darkseid gun though!

Later, while doing the thing that El Diablo is doing...you know, whatever the main plot is...he and Azucar run into Sin Tzu. He's all, "You are here for the plot?" And they're all, "Yeah, yeah! The plot! The Beowulf Project, I guess?" And Sin Tzu is all, "Oh yeah! That! Meet the experiments!" Then he introduces them to a bunch of zombies created by mixing Lazarus Juice with Joker Poison and Bane Drug and Scarecrow Gas and Man-Bat Semen. Gross! Oh wait! It's Man-Bat Serum!

Anyway, that's probably the end for El Diablo and Azucar. No way they can battle a bunch of super zombies in the Ace Chemical plant where El Diablo can't use his powers without destroying Gotham completely! I mean, probably!

The Ranking!
-1! This ranking is because I simply don't care about this comic book. Although I wouldn't mind if more comic books had characters undressing and making out in the middle of any conversation. That sex scene was really weird! As if Jai Nitz rewrote the scene but only after Cliff Richards had finished the art for the original scene where they get all fucky with each other. At least it wasn't a Batman and Alfred scene. That would have been weird. Not because they're both guys! It's just that Alfred is like his father! And he's old!

The Killer Croc Review!
What more can be said about Killer Croc that hasn't already been said beautifully in the pages of The New 52 Batwoman? Oh wait! A lot since that entire history of Killer Croc was thrown in the garbage can, right next to my pride which I haven't seen since the first time I had sex. It was not a good experience. I mean, I orgasmed, so that was great! But I did it quickly and all over my partner's face. Surprise! That thing was waiting years to go off at somebody else's hands!

What I'm trying to say is I have no idea where DC Comics stands with Killer Croc right now. Is he a savage animal killing indiscriminately to survive under the streets of Gotham? Is he a monster, lost and alone in an uncaring world? Is he a guy just trying to take care of himself and the other undesirables living in the sewers of Gotham? I'm just trying to figure out how much I should sympathize with him in this story.

Waylon Jones basically asks the same question at the start of this story: "Am I a monster or a man?" This is where I'd normally think about ending it all so I don't have to read yet one more comic book with the whole "What am I?!" theme. But this time, Waylon finishes the thought with "Depends on the day I'm having," and I'm won over. At least for the next eighteen pages! I can give it that much for letting me know, right off the bat, that Waylon isn't really worrying his scaly big head about the answer to that question. He's both, and he acts as one or the other according to his situation. I can appreciate that.

I used to daydream about the end of the world as a kid. Not about the event that ended it. But living in it. Just me. A lone survivor with nothing but time and lots of empty houses to explore.

Waller sends Croc to an island full of monsters being used as weapons to destroy nearby cities, and eventually cities not so nearby, and then cities even further away than that. But Croc is supposed to destroy the monsters and the lab that's creating them. Instead, Waylon befriends the monsters and leads his army of misfits down into the island where the evil corporation's secret lab lies. But once he's underground, he's out of radio contact with Amanda. Which also means she can't detonate the bomb in his neck. He's finally free of Waller's orders. He's free to do whatever he wants. He'll probably shoot up some of the secret serum and become Super Killer Croc. At least for a few pages before he collapses from exhaustion and winds up back in Belle Reve, ready for another suicide mission.

The Ranking!
+1! This story was interesting enough! It might not have super duper wowed me but it has a point. And I always appreciate a story that has a viewpoint, or really works through a theme. This story is all about how animals can't be monsters; man is the real monster! Okay, so that's not the most original theme. But it's nice to see Killer Croc acknowledge that the side of him that makes him a violent murderer is the side of him that has nothing to do with his disfigurement. That's all just homegrown humanity coming out of him!

Suicide Squad Rebirth #1

Suicide Squad goes from a logo that actually took a bit of graphic design to something a tenth grader would come up with for the cover of the yearbook.

The Commentary!
I will probably be going to see the Suicide Squad movie in a few days and I will probably enjoy the hell out of it, even if Harley has a scene with The Joker where she screams, "Martha?! Who's Martha?!" No matter how enjoyable the movie might be, it won't get a fair shake from the internet. I have a feeling Marvel fans are just waiting for the first widespread theatrical showing of Suicide Squad so that they can begin blogging their comments about how bad the movie was based on the early reviews they've already read. They'll have no original thoughts of their own because that's the fucking internet for you. Judge something on its own merits based on your own ideas and perceptions? Fuck that! If you disagree with the Internet, you'll be crucified! So instead of talking about the good points to Batman Loves Superman: Dawn of Just Us, just keep repeating the Martha gag over and over and fucking over (just like I did earlier!). Instead of pointing out how the scene makes emotional sense but was horribly directed, just pan the entire movie due to Snyder's poor interpretation of Batman's sudden realization of the humanity of this powerful alien. You know what? I shouldn't put all the blame on Snyder. Where the fuck did Jesse Eisenberg come up with that interpretation of Lex Luthor?!

Here's the deal: I'll tell you if the movie is good and why. I've been a fan of the Squad since Legends, so I'm not going to be happy if it's terrible. I mean, I'm already not happy that they're using the version of the Squad they're using! I'm fine with Amanda Waller, Deadshot, Captain Boomerang, Rick Flag, and Enchantress. And I understand DC's feeling that Harley Quinn is necessary. Hell, she'll probably steal the entire movie for most people. But I don't know how I feel about Katana being in the group. And I don't give a shit about Killer Croc. And El Diablo? Well, I guess they need somebody they can kill. If it were up to me, I would have included Oracle in this movie since Suicide Squad was when she first made her appearance. Since The Joker is in this movie, maybe have a scene where he shoots a young Barbara Gordon during some ribbon cutting ceremony in Gotham while she's on stage with her father. Make it sort of a background thing that you can replay again later in the movie from a perspective after they discover Oracle is helping them. Now that I've written that, I'm thinking, "How the fuck did they miss this opportunity?!" And now I'm thinking, "Oh! Maybe they didn't! I haven't seen the movie yet! Maybe Oracle is in it!" But now now I'm thinking, "I'm pretty sure I would have heard about Oracle being in the film if she were in the film so stop dreaming, asshole."

Suicide Squad Rebirth begins with President Obama shutting down Task Force X. Being a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, I know that this proclamation won't stick because this comic book is just starting. It's those kinds of things that separate the Grandmasters from the Amateurs. An Amateur Comic Book Reader probably read "The Suicide Squad is finished" on page one and thought, "What?! But it hasn't even started yet! I just wasted three bucks!" The really dumb ones probably think the comic book ended on that first page and went on to the next comic in their stack. Ha ha! Fools! But I know better! I know that all DC's $2.99 comic books are twenty pages long, even if they start off by saying that they're over!

It's up to Amanda Waller (fat again! Yay Rebirth!) to convince President Obama that he can shut his dumb lame duck fucking mouth!

The only problem with this whole program is that everybody fucking knows about it! Hopefully Rebirth makes it secret again!

It's hard to justify the Squad's existence on the basis that they take care of problems for America too sensitive for the government to deal with when all of the other governments know that when a team of supervillains attacks some organization within their borders, they're doing it on behalf of the US Government. And yet that's exactly how the last series, New Suicide Squad, began! Hopefully Rob Williams will make a better go at keeping the team covert.

I just realized the Jim Lee is drawing this book every two weeks (or, at least, eight or so pages of it, depending on how badly he fails his deadlines). Can he draw fat women?! Will Amanda be fat on issue and skinny the next?

Amanda's new plan for the Squad is to hire a war hero to lead the villains so that they retain some kind of moral compass and direction in the field. That hero is Rick Flag! Or Rick Flag Jr! Or Rick Flag the III! However he fits in, he's fucking Rick Flag, okay? Golden boy war hero! The man who can look Deadshot right in the eye and say, "What the fuck is wrong with you? That mustache is ridiculous." Rick Flag! The man who won't wind up putting his wiener in Harley's clown car! Rick Flag! The man who Captain Boomerang once called "the biggest buzzkill this side of some place in Australia!" I don't have time to research places in Australia! Just fill that quote in if you know of one. Like maybe New Zealand?

Hmm. Maybe all those things I said about Rick Flag? I must be remembering his father.

Apparently Rick Flag is in Guantanamo Bay, charged with terrorism. But it's not true! The terrorism charge is false! It's a--oh god--false Flag! Um, so, yeah, apparently Rick Flag refused to follow a superior's order because it would get his men killed. His men were forced to follow the order anyway and they were all killed. Somebody didn't like that Rick Flag was right and they disappeared him. And now Amanda Waller is here to free him! But not for free! He still has to do what she says and lead a team of villains on reckless and dangerous missions. For the good of the US of A, of course!

Amanda gives Flag the details of Task Force X. First she starts with the most important members: Harley Quinn, Deadshot, and Captain Boomerang. Sure, he's only called Boomerang since The New 52 but I'll always refer to him as Captain Boomerang since Boomerang sans Captain is part of that other universe. The one that takes place only in New York. Anyway, Amanda doesn't bother naming any of the other members because they're the ones who are likely to die. I mean, not Katana, of course. Or Killer Croc. Don't worry, I'm sure they'll find some disposable villains this time around. I trust Rob Williams to know the definition of "suicide".

Although how much can I really trust Rob Williams when the first mission he sends the Squad on is to rescue a scientist who has made a bomb that can turn off superpowers. I should probably just copy and paste the same rant into every single fucking comic book commentary I write since they all seem to use some kind of weapon that magically takes away superpowers. It's such a crutch! Although, to be fair, nobody currently on the Suicide Squad will be affected by the weapon since none of them have powers. It's just a threat to America that must be stopped before it gets used and creates another boring ass story I have to read about The Flash or Superman or Green Lantern losing their powers. So maybe I can trust Rob Williams! Maybe this is his way of saying, "My Suicide Squad is going to save the world from boring comic book tropes!" I would totally high-five Rob Williams if he were here right now and I weren't deathly allergic to giving high-fives to people older than four years old.

The scientist makes the ultimate mistake of telling the Suicide Squad that if he's captured, millions of innocent lives will be lost. Well, you know the easiest way to make sure the bad guys don't get their hands on him, right? Deadshot?

Or Boomer! Whatever!

I guess Boomer just got the plans for the bomb. Deadshot will have to deal with the scientist. Then they can dust off their hands and head back to America, heroes!

Speaking of heroes, there's an advertisement for a twice monthly Cyborg book starting in September. DC Comics is still trying to make Cyborg interesting?! Hasn't Cyborg been given enough chances?! Unless this new book is about how he's sleeping with tons of women due to his new wrist attachment, I'm not interested!

So, um, Rick Flag agrees to lead the team because it's either that or Guantanamo Bay until he dies. Go America!

The Review!
Rob Williams begins a wonderful new chapter in the history of the Suicide Squad! I can sense it! It's got all the makings of the Squad I remember. Waller alone in complete control. Rick Flag as the leader and moral compass. Deadshot and Captain Boomerang exchanging insults. Harley Qui...well, I guess some things are new. But the old Squad had Punch and Jewelee, so how different is Harley, really?! I'm looking forward to the Suicide Squad more than I have in a long time. I mean, Tim Seeley had a nice finishing run on New Suicide Squad. I could have seen him keep on keeping on with that version. But it seems like Rob Williams has a feel for the Squad. At least for the Squad I remember! And I only like things that I used to like and not things that are new!

Suicide Squad Most Wanted: Deadshot and Katana #6

How is Deadshot not constantly being shot and killed by people on the left side of his body?

The Review!
Halo and Katana and Cat are now a family so I don't care about any other changes that come with Rebirth. This was all I needed. Just them, together. And on the opposite side of the comic book in the second story, Lawton returns to his family too! I mean, he loses his real family which is his daughter. But the Suicide Squad is more of a family to Floyd than Suchin, right? She's so boring. Always wanting to do little kid things that usually aren't invading another country, murdering murderers, and causing violent mayhem all across the globe. Her violent mayhem is limited to the playground. I like this format for Suicide Squad stories centering around specific characters. It's relatively cheap for two comic books and since the characters are bound to the Squad, it's less likely that the person purchasing the comic book will be dissatisfied with one of the stories. Unless, of course, one of the stories winds up being written by Scott Lobdell. Then I'd feel conflicted buying this even if the other story were written by Peter Milligan.

The Commentary!
This issue begins with the conclusion to the Katana story first. That's disappointing because I'm most interested in the Katana story and I might lose interest by the time I get to the Deadshot story. I assume the Deadshot story will be comprised of the death of Will Evans and Suchin's tearful goodbye to Floyd as he's taken back to Belle Reve where Amanda Waller will do the Running Man and then the Back the Bus Up and then the Cabbage Patch and end it with a quick, smooth Pop and Lock.

The Aurakles have decided they enjoy feeling emotions and one emotion they want to feel is genocide. That might not be an emotion but this is the universe where willpower is an emotion, so I'm standing by my statement. The only way to stop the Aurakles is to threaten to kill the only one of their own that's currently vulnerable: the one in Violet Harper's body. So with her Soulsucker sword up against Violet's trachea, Katana backs the fuck out of the room. That should buy her and the Squad a few pages!

Meanwhile, the Markovian army continues to attack Kobra's Ark with their ineffective Eastern Bloc weapons scavenged from the Soviet's crumbling empire. Although according to Batman and the Outsiders, Markovia isn't actually an Eastern Bloc country at all!

The Narrator failed geography.

Prince Brion has yet to crash into Markovia's experimental geothermal power station, so he's not that idiot Geoforce yet. He's just the regular royal idiot he's always been. Although his sister has her super powers if The Ravagers is still in continuity! What happened there?

Katana learns that the Aurakles can be killed by combining electricity with the Soulsucker. Too bad Black Lightning isn't part of these new Outsiders! It would make it much easier to keep the Aurakles from killing them all. Kind of like back in the original Batman and the Outsiders! Hopefully Enchantress memorized a bunch of Lightning Bolt spells. I wonder if the Soulsucker has any new powers now that it has an Aurakle trapped within it?

After Enchantress tries to separate the Aurakle from Violet, the Aurakle takes over control of Violet's body. Now that's the Halo I had a crush on! The innocent blank slate! Violet Harper was a selfish jerk who totally did it with guys and shot up with the drugs! Hmm. Now that I've matured, I realize I like Violet Harper better.

The Aurakles return to once again try to convince their lost sheep to return to them. But now it wants to stay because it really likes having a vagina. Probably. That's why I would stay. Plus the breasts.

She did memorize Lightning Bolt! I mean, it's not that surprising. Unless she totally filled up on Fireballs, what else is worth memorizing? Water Breathing? Clairaudience? Okay, maybe Haste! But who wants to age their characters prematurely?!

The Suicide Squad cripple Kobra's Ark and it begins falling out of the sky. The Squad manage to get aboard some escape pods but Katana and Halo remain on board to die. For some reason. I guess some people just like the idea of becoming a martyr. Katana, not Halo! Halo is unconscious! Kobra has escaped as well and Eve is safely tucked away in the Soulsucker sword.

Before the ship crashes, Halo wakes up, picks up Katana, and flies to safety, even though everybody is going to point and laugh at her ridiculous costume. That shit has got to change. Come on, Rebirth! What good are you if not for fixing stupid crap like this?

The story ends happily ever after for everybody except Kobra, Eve, and Battleaxe. It even makes me tear up at the end and say, "Oh, come on!"

The part that got me isn't even the cat finding a family bit or the Halo not understanding hunger and being so adorable! It was that bit way down in the bottom right-hand corner!

Next up is Deadshot's story! Maybe I should have been demarcating the two halves of the comic book with a bold header of some kind! Oh well. Too late now! This shit is almost over!

Luckily Will Evans took Suchin because now Waller doesn't have to convince Floyd to kill Evans for her. Everybody's needs are lining up with each other! Except for Evans' needs! His need is to kill Lawton so that he can get all the Deadshot pay he deserves. But there's no way he's ever going to take over Lawton's job, especially when this story begins with Lawton showing compassion and rescuing three children. That's like the opposite of kidnapping and threatening the life of a child!

Floyd and Will play a game of Deathmatch Island. Two Deadshots walk in, one Deadshot steps over the body of Will Evans walking out.

This sums up the story for people who don't care about the whole father/daughter relationship thing.

Anyway, Lawton is back on the Squad. He and Waller seem to have come to some kind of understanding that they can work with. And Suchin gets to live in Australia. At least until somebody tells her that she isn't living in Australia at all and Waller lied to her and she turns bitter and angry and eventually follows in her father's footsteps.

Suicide Squad Most Wanted: Deadshot and Katana #5

Another gay black character is going to be killed for no reason! What is this Orange is the New Black?

The Review!
I rewatched Adaptation last night and I think the theme of that movie was that writing is masturbation. No wonder I'm really into both of those. There may have been some other themes too but I was too interested in the masturbation one. I think Baker's The Fermata had that same theme! I remember not really caring much about Adaptation the first time I saw it. But maybe I like it a little better now. Kaufman really nails how writing about writing truly is the masturbation of writing. But writing to please an audience isn't so great either. Writing to please oneself? Well, we're back to the masturbation analogy. But what else is there, really? If you're not into self-pleasure, why bother with life at all? I realize when I get caught up in criticism and expectation (like how people expect a comic book review out of me), I get bogged down in doubt and trite bullshit. I'm much better at simply being comfortable masturbating with an audience. If they want to watch, that's up to them and their issues! If they're turned off by it then they can look away. I just need to continue to do it my way. You know, slow at first with a lot of shaft play and then quicker while really giving my testicles a pounding. I'm talking about my writing style, you pervs! Do you think I'd actually describe to strangers how I masturbate? Um, and the comic was pretty good and all that. It had art and lettering and stuff. Number out of Number. Would probably not read again but that's just because I have a lot to read and not an indication of quality so maybe I should have just left it out.

The Commentary!
I think Orange is the New Black made a mistake by having Bayley accidentally kill Poussey. I get that they want to show how the prison industrial complex ruins everybody's lives, even a white guy who has broken the law multiple times while growing up who eventually gets a job in a prison so that he can accidentally kill an inmate and even then still get away from having his life ruined by a corrupt system even though that seems to be the theme of the season. I knew Poussey was going to die because she was separate from all the drama and her story arc was moving her to a happier and happier place every episode. Television writers are so predictable. But she shouldn't have been accidentally killed and it certainly shouldn't have been by Bayley. Showing how often Bayley should have been in trouble and contrasting that with Poussey's life was enough to show how arbitrary it is as to who is wearing the orange jumper and who is wearing the uniform. If Poussey was going to be killed, it should have just been by that maniac Humphries. Or better yet, have Humphries obviously killing Poussey and kill Bayley as he saves her life doing the fucking job he's supposed to be doing. Leave his body on the floor for a day or two and put Poussey in medical in critical condition. There are multiple ways to tell the story sticking to the theme of the season and it's telling that the writers chose the one they did. Everything could have played out the same way with the prison exploding into a riot after Caputo gives his press conference expressing how the prison did everything by the book and seemingly letting Humphries off the hook. Or the press conference could have painted the prisoners as the reason a guard died, completely ignoring the actions of the maniacs currently posing as prison guards.

I'm not saying people wouldn't still be angry! Viewers would probably be upset that the writers were trying to get them to feel sorry and mourn for a white guy! But Poussey would still be alive. Not that I care. I stopped being emotionally invested when Tank Girl was sent to psych.

This issue begins with a prison screw up of its own. And maybe a death soon too! Lawton has escaped solitary at Belle Reve and Amanda Waller wants to kill whoever fucked up. Although I don't think she kills employees. I mean non-Squad employees! She kills those ones...well, never, actually. I wanted to say regularly but there has been a dearth of death in this stupid comic book about a squad nicknamed "Suicide Squad" due to the high probability of members dying. They never die! Ever! It's more dangerous to be one of Waller's assistants at this point! This comic book should be called Suicide Secretary.

After removing his neck bomb and escaping Belle Reve, Deadshot's first order of business is finding his reason to live. Or his reason not to hurtle himself toward death at every opportunity, anyway.

Did anybody even consider using this cover? Sometimes touching sells better than violence! Emotional touching not pederasty!

Amanda plans on ruining Deadshot's plans because she's a jerk who hates when people get one over on her. Also maybe she's doing it because Deadshot is a mass murderer (or is he a serial killer?) who should be locked up for the rest of his life, no matter how much he and his daughter love each other. Deadshot may have been able to run off to Australia with his daughter but he's not a responsible dad. Instead of making Suchin his priority, he makes killing the false Deadshot his number one on the to-do list. And since Amanda isn't stupid (just mean and stubborn and a bully and a jerk and not fat anymore), she plans on having the Squad ambush Deadshot when he goes to kill Deadshot. Good thing Harley Quinn is going to turn on Deadshot and throw in with Deadshot!

Except Deadshot has put Suchin first. He doesn't mind leaving Will Evans to be the new Deadshot. He just had to get some money for his life on the run by killing a bunch of Falcone's men for some dirty diamonds. While Floyd is away getting the money, Will kills Suchin's foster family and kidnaps her. I know his plan is to get Deadshot to come after her so Will can kill him. But did Will really think it through? Isn't this just going to piss off Deadshot so that he makes sure Will dies a miserable, painful, excruciating, add as many more synonyms for painful as you want death? A better plan — a Deadshot plan! — would have been to wait with a sniper rifle on the roof of a building across from where Suchin was located to shoot Floyd in the head without Floyd ever knowing anything was wrong! Will isn't a good Deadshot at all.

The Katana story is called "Call Her Halo" which makes my heart go pitter-patter-splooge. I had such a huge crush on Halo when I was much, much younger and reading Batman and the Outsiders. I would explain why but how can you translate the desires of the heart? I suppose if you're crass, you could say something like "Her ass reminded me of a freshly laid out buffet and I, the only diner." Although at the age I was when I first crushed on Halo, I could never have even begun to imagine the pleasure of giving a thorough rim job. Butts were gross! Although oddly compelling. Maybe I just liked the way she had some color in her hair and the way she would press her kitten firmly against her spandex-clad bosom? Who am I to solve the mysterious complexities of love and affection?

I bet the main reason I loved her was that she was fictional and I could put her on a pedestal and believe she was whatever I wanted her to be because she didn't actually have any real personality! Loving a real person is so hard! You have to be all, "Oh! You're so interesting! You have wants and desires too? And they're different from mine? Oh, I'm not bored at all by your speaking! Will you touch my penis after you're done talking? Or maybe just a little while you are?"

Why was Kobra investigating science?

Surprisingly (to me, anyway), Katana and the Suicide Squad were not killed at the end of the last issue! They used a magic trick to appear to be somewhere where they were not. Enchantress claims it is real magic but I suspect it was done with mirrors. Katana manages to hitch a ride on Kobra's Ark using her belt-scarf as a lasso. She's practically a ninja so I was totally not thinking, "Pshaw! Even for a comic book, this strains my credulity!" Mostly I didn't think that because I don't know what "credulity" means.

The Suicide Squad manage to commandeer a rocket ship from that idiot Brion Markov so that they can catch up with Katana on Kobra's Ark.

Don't worry! They're the Suicide Squad! None of them ever die! I mean, that one died. Battleaxe! But we all knew she was going to die because she was a gay black woman! Or was she? Who can remember? She was so unremarkable! Oh wait! That was how I knew she was going to die!

When Kobra discovers the Suicide Squad have crashfiltrated his ship, he makes a really funny joke!

Ha ha! I will be thinking on this all day and chuckling!

Meanwhile Dr. Jace begins the process of turning Violet Harper into Halo by shoving an Aurakle up inside of her. I'd like to say my heart is beating faster and I feel an overwhelming longing to be a part of Halo's life but in reality, all I feel is a distinct lack of passion, a complete loss of wonder, and old. I think maybe human beings live too long!

At least I can still enjoy cleavage. Ah. There you are, the sense of feeling something! Anything at all, even just lewd, lascivious, lusty perversion!

Violet Harper is transformed into Halo but not in the same amnesiac way she was in her original origin. This Violet Harper remembers herself and has simply gained the powers of the Aurakle and a really stupid costume. Can Rebirth make sure that changes?!

The issue ends with the Aurakle's arriving to bring back the runaway Aurakle now locked inside Violet. They plan on destroying everybody because they can. So this story went from an invasion of a small country run by a crappy prince to a full scale alien invasion of Earth! That might be the definition of fubar.

Suicide Squad Most Wanted: Deadshot and Katana #4

I really miss discussing Ann Nocenti's Katana.

The Review or Whatever
Katana's story this issue is called "The Fall of The House of the Castle Markov" which seems a bit odd, possibly because I got it completely wrong. But at least it's optimistic! I can't stand that entire Markov family. I hope they fall along with their castle. I suppose I don't mind that Tara Markov so much although it was weird that she was underage and fucking a fifty year old man. But that was Preboot history when she was more interesting than her New 52 version. Her New 52 version was terrible because she got mixed up in a vortex of awful writers. She never even had a chance! I hope Brion Markov doesn't have a chance this issue! Hopefully Mike W. Barr took my unsolicited email advice and Brion will get shot in the face by a tank before he gets his powers. Also I don't know Mike W. Barr's email address so I just sent the email to every version of his name I could think of to every browser email service in existence. Knowing my luck, Mike W. Barr probably still uses AOL.

Kobra is currently taking over Markovia the way everybody would expect him to take over Markovia: by constantly stroking his own ego and talking about himself in the third person and trying to ignore all of the fangenders complaining that he's a Doctor Doom wannabe. I should note his abs are fucking ripped. That's what a king should look like!

Eve doesn't really know Katana if she thinks she's chatty. Also, Katana's chat-up line has never worked for me.

The Suicide Squad and the Not-Yet-Outsiders have been captured by Kobra and invited to his coronation. He must not have many friends because nobody else seems to be in the throne room. Maybe a few guards and they're most likely being paid to be there.

I wonder how many pages until Battleaxe is killed?

Oh, it was seven.

And there it is! As my song pointed out last commentary, Battleaxe was sure to be the first Suicide Squad member killed since...well, I'm not sure since when. Since Keith Giffen's 2001 version? I know some characters died in the first version of The New 52 Suicide Squad but I think they all came back to life. Except maybe for Yo Yo. Even after surviving six months in King Shark's stomach, I think death finally caught up to him.

Everybody escapes before Kobra can blow up any more heads. Obviously! It's not like this Suicide Squad roster has anybody else to spare! Although if Mike W. Barr wanted to get all Shakespearean, he could off Coldsnap and let brokenhearted Heatstork join The Outsiders.

The best part about the escape is that the kitten is also rescued!

One thing I like about Barr's Squad is how everybody calls Deadshot "Boss." They might be doing it sarcastically but I like to think that given their lives are on the line in missions like this, the team members have at least a slight modicum of respect for the team leader.

I might have used "modicum" wrong. It's hard to tell because it's a fancy word way above my pay grade.

Apparently the veterinarian helping the kitten is horrible at his job (or really good at it, seeing as how most vets' go-to move is euthanasia!) and it looks like the kitten is going to die. But Enchantress uses her magic to heal it! Yay Enchantress! Except for the fact that she's not the nicest witch on the compass. And her warning about the kitten being hungry when it wakes seems ominous.

Katana does some magic of her own and creates an all-new movie-friendly getup that makes her tits look bigger than they really are.

Why was her skin so gray previously?!

Meanwhile in an "Unknown Location" which is almost certainly Markov's experimental geothermal power plant which will later explode all over Brion Markov's stupid face, Kobra reveals to Dr. Jace his super secret hidden secret of all secrets: he has obtained a rainbow alien! He's going to shove it in Violet Harper's secret place so that she becomes Halo and I will swoon.

Katana reveals the secret of her sword to Enchantress because Katana is easily manipulated. I shouldn't judge her so harshly! I would befriend an obviously complete psychopath myself if she healed a kitten friend of mine! I would be all, "Charles Manson! My buddy! How you been, man?! I can never thank you enough for performing CPR on my little kitten buddy! Anything you want, I'll give you, buddy!"

Enchantress is ingratiating herself to Katana because Amanda Waller wants the Soulsucker blade. Of course she does! Amanda is worse than Larfleeze.

Katana and the Suicide Squad use the information from the soul of a dead Kobra guard to alert Kobra to their presence. This causes Kobra to know exactly where to aim the disintegration ray and kill them all. What did they think was going to happen?! He'd come pick them up and be all, "Hey guys! I see you have my code! That must mean you're my friends! Which you totally must be since you were at my coronation earlier! Hey, friends!" It's also possible the giant orange ray blast that hits them is some kind of teleport ray. Also also possible? Enchantress saves them all. It doesn't really matter because the kitten is safe inside Brion Markov's emergency headquarters and Halo will be joining us next issue.

The Deadshot issue is called "The Wrong Man" because the new Deadshot is now a man that nobody likes. But don't worry. Floyd will kill him in two issues.

The Suicide Squad have infiltrated one of those things that isn't really a thing but people would love to believe is a thing which is a Black Market Convention where all of the worst people go to buy all of the worst stuff ever. You know how I know these secret conventions don't exist? Because governments exist! Duh! They do all of this trading themselves! Practically right out in the open even!

The Squad's job is to capture the twelve people who organize and run the show every year. None of the Squad members are going to die in this story because they are Fake Deadshot (who Lawton totally has dibs on), Captain Boomerang, Harley Quinn, Cheetah, and Diablo. I suppose Diablo can die because he's probably going to die in the movie. But I doubt he'll die in the comic book first. That would be a total spoiler!

I know it seems improbable that the Squad can kidnap twelve people while surrounded by the best mercenaries and assassins the world has ever known but this is a comic book, you idiot. And it's not like the cover said "Suicide Squad's Most Wanted: All of the World's Best Assassins and Katana". I think we know whose story arc matters most!

I don't think that it's just that they don't fear death. Most of that one percent are just arrogant enough to believe that they will never be the one to die. They're the ones who will beat death. I don't get any of them. The thought of death makes me piss myself on a near constant basis! I'm peeing a little right now!

Lawton doesn't just not fear death though. He fucking craves it! The way I crave Oreos! Which, if you think about it, is kind of the same thing! I'm a bad-ass!

Fake Deadshot got the job because Floyd was always a loose cannon. But at least he was Waller's loose cannon! Fake Deadshot's cannon isn't just loose, it's rolling around the deck squashing sailors while firing uncontrollably at the same time! He's just looking to kill the people Amanda wants to capture. I think he may have just put in his two weeks notice.

I think I covered this, Harley. But thanks for the backup!

Harley and Diablo decide to stay on the mission which causes Diablo to get shot in the face and killed. See? That's what happens when you join the Suicide Squad and you're the only member of the team who has even the remotest possibility of being killed! Dumb dumb.

Olivia is also killed. You might be thinking "Who is Olivia?" It was Amanda Waller's assistant. That's the job that should have "suicide" in front of it.

Oh, and Diablo apparently wasn't killed. Whatever. Fuck you, you stupid No-Suicides-At-All Squad! I hope Amanda Waller's Craigslist job listing points out that her new assistant is only going to get part-time work. Mainly because they won't live for more than 40 hours.

Amanda goes off to re-recruit Floyd but finds his cell empty and covered in blood. Whoops!

Suicide Squad Most Wanted: Deadshot and Katana #3

Do cover artists often think, "I really don't care if this cover idea has been used hundreds of times before! I've got the definitive version!"

Rating: Two Suicide Squad comic books in one? How can somebody pass up this shit?! I mean, one is technically an Outsiders story starring the Suicide Squad. But I'm pretty sure it's the story where one of the members of the Suicide Squad is finally going to die. Why bother even having a team called "Suicide Squad" if none of them are ever going to die? The squad may as well be called Prison Furlough Playtime Team. This comic book is better than a whole lot of comics currently being published by DC so it's worth the five dollar cover price. I mean that figuratively. Five dollars can buy you an awful lot of stuff that's better than this book. And probably more useful to your life. But people don't make money choices based on what is necessary! They make them based on what is desired! So if you desire buying a comic book that will allow you to escape your nightmarish existence for even the barest minimum of time, you could do worse than this one!

• Deadshot just found out that his dad has died of natural causes so he shot his mom in the face. Probably the face. I may be projecting on that fact.

• If my mom ever reads my commentaries, she'll probably think, "But he often ends our phone calls with 'I love you'?!" Right before she changes the will to leave everything to her stuffed Garfield collection.

• Everybody should change their Tumblr reply settings to "Everyone can reply" because I have got a lot of shit to say to you all.

• Deadshot is angry with Waller because Waller wasn't their for his daughter. Now who's projecting!

• Waller wants the Suicide Squad to battle Deadshot because teammates fighting is usually a cornucopia full of ratings and dollars. It's also an easier story to tell than having to think up a villain's motivation and how the protagonists find out about the villain and why they want to stop the villain and all the other fiddly plot points you have to come up with. It's much easier to have Batman go, "You stepped on my toe, Superman! Apologize!" And Superman would go, "I'm sorry!" And Batman would go, "Not good enough!" Then they fight for twenty pages and all of the nearly illiterate, drooling fangenders eat it up.

• The team arrives at Lawton's parents' estate by helicopter so of course it lands to let them out to do their job. Ha ha! Kidding! Captain Boomerang jumps out of the helicopter and doesn't get extremely killed or hurt at all even. Cheetah also jumps out but that's comic book plausible! How does Boomerang break his fall? Throw a boomerang at the ground?

• Deadshot shoots Cheetah in the face with an elephant gun because he doesn't know his animals. The elephant goes, "RROWRR!"

But you did!

See?!

• Harley talks Deadshot into surrendering and he's immediately shot five times by Wannabe-Deadshot. He wakes up in a hospital bed with Amanda leering at him.

But doesn't Floyd really, really want to be a Lenny? Specifically the Lenny that winds up being Amanda's dog.

• Floyd finds out that he stole the Villains Month Deadshot #1 story from Wannabe-Deadshot. Wannabe-Deadshot reveals to Floyd that he gets to be the new Deadshot. Probably because all of the new fans coming over from the movie are going to be expecting a black Deadshot. Although Will Smith is playing Floyd Lawton so that's probably wrong and Evans will be dead by the end of this story.

• Now it's time for the Halo story. I mean the Katana story!

• One of these characters is not like the others! One of these characters doesn't belong! Can you tell me which one of these characters will be dead before I'm done singing this song?

• Prince Brion Markov shows up in a tank to chase away the Kobra army. Boo! Hiss! Go to hell!

Oh my god! Shut up, Deadshot! You're ruining the whole reason for having a Task Force X!

• The cat is injured in the battle because Mike W. Barr is an asshole. Is CatsInRefrigerators.com taken? It's a good thing the Markovian Army enlisted a Veterinarian.

• Sometimes I feel like the Captain Boomerang of comic book critics. Katana here represents [name a writer or artist for DC].

• Castle Markov looks like Doom's castle. Or maybe the castle of Anton Arcane. Maybe they all just work on the same set.

• Prince Markov calls the Suicide Squad and Katana "outsiders." Hee hee hee! HEE HEE HEE! GET IT?! See, he doesn't realize only one of them is! And he's going to be one of them when the experimental geothermic plant blows up in his face! And Halo's host body is out in the woods nearby doing heroin. And, well, I don't know where Metamorpho and Black Lightning are. I guess they'll turn up later.

• Kobra has discovered that the Suicide Squad have bombs in their neck. He's also experimented on Violet. Probably by blasting her with rainbows, right?

• The "Outsiders" invade Kobra's volcanic base where one of them is sure to die. I'm not naming any names but her name is the same as her weapon! Not Katana, you idiot!

• Nobody dies this issue but the Squad and Katana are captured by Kobra. That makes two Suicide Squad stories in one issue where nobody died! At least not anybody of any consequence. Aside from that cat! I mean, I'm sure it's not dead. What kind of horrible monstrous writer would kill a poor innocent cat? Oh, I remember one who did that! Cullen Bunn! Fucking dick. I'm glad editorial told him he couldn't kill Dex-Starr and he had to come up with a tacked-on one page ending which completely made the story he just told meaningless.

Suicide Squad Most Wanted: Deadshot and Katana #2

That's not Katana. That's Steak Knife.

Rating: +1 Ranking.

The Deadshot story? Holy fuck.

The Katana story? It's gonna be a Halo origin story! Hopefully all this shit with Katana, Halo, Markovia, and Dr. Jace will set up a Rebirth for The Outsiders. The original Outsiders! Except for Geoforce. Maybe Geoforce can be replaced by Terra or Windfall or the Royal Markovian Janitor or a three legged dog or a rotting cantaloupe. Anything will work, really.

Suicide Squad Most Wanted: Deadshot and Katana #1

The title of this comic book is too long.

Rating: About 20 of about 52.

For just one dollar more than most comic books, you get two stories that are pretty much better than a lot of the monthly shit on the shelves. It's also possible that because I've been infatuated with Deadshot since Ostrander's Suicide Squad and with Katana even longer since Mike W. Barr's Batman and the Outsiders, I might be going easy on this comic.

Deadshot is portrayed just about how I expect him to be portrayed. He's fairly apathetic, has a--somewhat tone-down--death wish, and understands exactly how far he can push Amanda Waller's buttons before she reins him in. Also, he has family issues. Usually they're about his daughter but apparently they're about his father this time. Don't worry if you're thinking, "But...but...his father?! I read the Villains Month book and that doesn't make any sense!" It's a fucking comic book. Comic book history is only as true as the current writer and the story that writer wants to tell. It's all explained really neatly so that the reader will nod in agreement and say, "Yep! That totally makes sense!" I mean, you know, it's pointed out that he's a liar.

The Katana story has a whole bunch of throwbacks to Mike W. Barr's Batman and the Outsiders which is understandable since it's written by him. We get to see Markovia, Kobra, Dr. Jace, and the kitten that Katana will probably eventually give to Halo. I mean, maybe not that last part but whatever. Fuck you.

Speaking of the cat! I'm not sure where Barr is going with that aspect of the story unless he simply threw it in to tie this Katana run to Nocenti's Katana run because holy fuck was it a weird enough sidebar to have been a Nocenti moment!

Anyway, I hope the little girl who decides to help Katana becomes Halo because Halo is seriously needed in the DC You. I think I called Dr. Jace appearing in some other comic book for the first time and then was disappointed when it wasn't her. But now that she's back, I'm guessing Halo has to be next! Except they're in Markovia so fucking Geoforce will probably appear first. Ugh!

Harley Quinn #21

This was my favorite scene from 2001: A Space Odyssey.

This issue begins with Harley Quinn tackling Deadshot into bed. Then after they tussle in the bed for awhile, they head over to the shower together. It all takes place in a cheap motel with a lot of smashed walls, smashed glass, smashed furniture, and smashed everything. Harley Quinn probably feels like she's about to get fucked by The Joker.

Look, comic book. All I really want to know is if Harley and Deadshot are going to have sex again. Maybe I should just write that scene myself and forget about it happening in the comic book.

Harley: "Come on, Floyd! Give it to me...you know what? I dried right up when I called you Floyd."
Floyd: "I should probably grab a condom, right? I don't want to stick my dick in there and wind up with a huge creepy grin on my face."
Harley: "Oh, I'm going to make you grin big time, Deady! Hmm. Deady is better than Floyd but it's still sponging up my love grease."
Floyd: "Are you even wearing shorts? Is that just grease paint?"
Harley: "Yeah! I'm always completely naked! Shove your gun in my holster!"
Floyd: "Boom! Boom! Oh yeah!"
Harley: "Deadshot, hunh? More like Wrong Hole Lawson."
Floyd: "No way! I like to start with the back end! Then I go in the front all dirty!"
Harley: "Whoa, whoa! You're not sticking that stinky ding dong in my sweet smelling semen receptacle!"
Floyd: "That's okay. I already came."
Harley: "Where's my mallet?"

That was super sexy! Now I don't even need to read this issue!

I can just look at this panel and imagine they just did it.

Or they just did it here and are about to do it again!

Deadshot could be talking about his penis!

Instead of having intimate relations with Deadshot, Harley just beats him up and knocks him through more walls. Are motels in Hollywood made out of sugar?

Hopefully Deadshot will return after Harley gets done with the part of the story I don't care about. She's trying to find some spoiled rich kid and take her back east. But to find her, she's got to put on her detective shoes.

Mystery solved!

Afterward, Harley Quinn gets an adult massage and earns her money for solving the Mystery of the Wayward Youth. But then she gives the money to some movie producer named Nick so that he isn't killed and also so he'll turn Harley into a cartoon. Later at the airport, Harley runs into her romantic interest! There's still a shot at a sex scene! Here it comes! Oh yeah! They're gonna do it in an airport restroom!

Nope. Harley just steals Floyd's money and ditches him. Not cool, Harley.

Harley Quinn #21 Rating: No change. Did you know that Harley Quinn is not really a clown? She may have a doctorate but it isn't from Clown College! She's a phoney baloney! Putting white grease paint all over your body does not make one a clown. She is an insult to clowning. Did you also know that most clowns don't kill? Okay, occasionally one will get into killing but it's not a usual part of a clown's repertoire. Did you know that clowns don't usually give grown men boners? It just seems like Harley Quinn is portraying clowns in a negative light. Shame on her.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #19

Apparently Cheetah sprays when she gets scared.

Last issue ended with the Suicide Squad ambushing Superman and Wonder Woman in the Smallville Cemetary [sic (see Superman #4)]. I'm sort of hoping that they manage to kill Clark and put him out of his misery. This whole Truth, Justice, and the American Way story arc is the worst. It's even worse than George Perez's first arc in The New 52 Superman (an arc so bad that he abandoned it himself!).

Judging by the initial dialogue of the Squad members and the fact that Captain Boomerang is using actual boomerangs instead of energy boomerangs (plus he calls them "'rangs" which is just terrible), my guess is that this is a fake Suicide Squad! They're Doublegangers! Even Black Manta doesn't act like himself, standing back and not telling everybody else what to do. And why didn't Deadshot just snipe them from across the cemetary [sic]? Because he's a Doubleganger!

This is going to be a really short commentary because this fight with awful dialogue is taking up a lot of pages. Here's some of the worst stuff:

Ha ha! "But this is!" Classic Wonder Woman.

Can somebody run a brain scan on Peter Tomasi? This can't be the same guy who wrote all of those wonderful issues with Damian and Bruce and Alfred and Dick! I think there's something seriously wrong with him. It's either that or he feels the same way as I do about this shitty Superman story arc. Maybe he's rebelling against it by writing the worst comic books of his life! I can get behind that! Maybe I can enjoy this comic book by realizing that it's exactly as bad as Tomasi wants it to be. It's sabotage!

During the fight, Deadshot shoots up Clark with high-velocity, armor-piercing shells but he manages to take the assault in stride. So he's a lot more invulnerable than he'd like people to think. I have a feeling Superman is currently just strong enough to beat any enemy he needs to beat or just invulnerable enough to survive a battle he has to lose. It's so convenient when the audience has no idea just how much power Superman has lost recently.

The Suicide Squad is beaten and, lucky for them, Superman and Wonder Woman leave without taking them into custody for attempted murder. Why not just leave a bunch of dangerous super villains lying around in Smallville, right? I don't see any reason Superman would care! Nobody loves him anymore anyway. If those old bastards in front of the Barber Shop are murdered by Captain Boomerang seeking revenge for the beating, they probably deserve it.

After Wonder Woman pulls the bullets from Superman's body with her bare fingers, he tells her that he needs to go visit the White House.

I just don't fucking get it. Why is Superman tainted? What the hell happened? He'd better wind up blowing up an orphanage at the end of Superman #44!

As far as I can tell, everybody is angry with Superman for maintaining a secret identity. Are they all characters from Arrow? Their feelings are hurt because Superman lied to them? When did that become such a huge issue in stories? I guess that's how the second act break-up always happens in Rom-Coms, right? "You lied to me! I hate you!" But then they get back together by the third act because of some grand apology or romantic gesture. So is Superman going to have to make a mix tape for the people of Earth? Then will everything be alright?

Superman beats up the Secret Service and walks in on the president. Not in a rude way! He totally knocks and waits to be invited in and all! I bet it's not even the president. I bet Lex Luthor has been hired to take the president's place because he can best negotiate with/threaten Superman.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #19 Rating: No change. The only reason I'm not giving this comic book a whole bunch of negative ratings which it deserves is because it's still better than Batman Loves Superman. But just barely! They can languish together at the bottom of the rankings. I spit on them!

New Suicide Squad #10

Killed by camels. Worst Squad ever.

I haven't pretended to do anything exciting lately so I'll just get on with reading the comic book.

Oh wait! I have one thing I want to mention! The clerk at one of the stores on my floor cleaning route last night is new. I thought I recognized his name--Dolfin--from way back in October and asked him if he began working at the 7-11 then. He said he wasn't even in the country in October. So I asked him where he was from and he said, "Ethiopia. It's a country in Africa." Thanks for embarrassing me, Americans! This guy thinks I don't know where Ethiopia is because you're all stupid jerks who can't bother to learn Geography! Of course I know where Ethiopia is! Rock stars saved it from starvation in the eighties with "We Are the World" and Michael Bread! After that video came out, nothing bad ever happened in Africa ever again.

Oh, I'm sorry for jumping all over you, Americans. It's not your fault our educational system is Eurocentric and we never actually learn anything about the individual countries of Africa. Is it our fault that we're taught to think of Africa as a continent and not as a whole bunch of nations as individualized and different from each other as the nations of Europe? Maybe if a World War had erupted there instead of just being the backdrop for some exciting tank battles we'd actually be taught something about the place.

This is a map of Africa based on my entire public education. I didn't include Ethiopia because I learned about it from MTV.

The issue begins with the Squad's League guide showing them around The League's school because even for a terrorist organization, education is important. Why is education so undervalued in America? I think it's because you don't have to be smart to get rich in a capitalist democracy. You simply need to be unethical, ruthless, and driven to make money at any cost. How does knowing a place called "Mauritania" exists help put dollars in my pocket?! Unless, you know, I can manipulate the people of Mauritania for my own ends. Can I do that?

Captain Boomerang is all, "But what does anybody do for fun around here?!"

Ugh. Work and extreme dedication are the worst.

Captain Boomerang (who is probably just Boomerang now but since that's a Marvel character, I'll keep referring to him as Captain Boomerang) gets his head slammed into the ground for daring to care about leisure activities and speaking flippantly. I would not fit into this League place at all!

I wish Captain Boomerang were not Australian but American so I could identify with him!

Meanwhile the Extraction Team is hanging out in the desert engaging in tomfoolery. Harley keeps shooting Parasite with rocket propelled grenades. Reverse-Flash is worried that it might attract undue attention but he doesn't seem to care that every time he runs at super speed he causes a sandstorm. You don't think anybody is going to notice that, Daniel? Reverse-Flash is Daniel West, right? It's so confusing having a Professor Zoom and a Reverse-Flash!

Last issue I was beginning to turn around on Sean Ryan writing this book. By this exchange, I'm completely on board.

Sean Ryan has found his mojo (unless it's his groove) on this title. Before Convergence, it was just a showcase for a bunch of high profile DC Characters. They were just names on the page to pull in readers. After Conversion, Sean Ryan is treating the super villains like people. He seems to have figured out the voices he wants to give to each of them and he's doing the best job I've seen on the Suicide Squad since The New 52 began. If he can keep up what he's been doing for the last issue and a half (minus the first three or four pages of last issue!), this comic might become a contender for my favorite DC comic book. And that's not an easy task to accomplish. I just wanted to get some actual review soundbites out of the way before slipping back into making fun of the comic book. Y'all often seem overly concerned when you can't tell if I actually like a book or not so now you know where I stand on the New Suicide Squad as of Issue #9.

Back at Belle Reve, Vic Sage charms Amanda's assistant Bonnie into giving him a tour of the place. That jerk is working for Checkmate, isn't he?! Spy! Spy!

This is the scene where, if I were in the audience and it were taking place in front of me on stage, I would turn to my football player buddy and we'd high five as if we had something to do with it.

The Squad's first mission with The League (and hopefully their only mission since they should learn about The League weapons which is the first bullet point of the mission. After that, Bullet Point #2 is "kill lots of The League as you turn in your two week notice") will be to destroy a factory that is trying to synthesize Lazarus Pits. Because, as Tomorrow Thief puts it, "man was meant to die." Exactly! That's why the original incarnation of the Suicide Squad was so awful with Amanda's Lazarus Protocol in which she kept all of the Squad members alive. What a stupid plot point that was! Hopefully the Squad resists taking the factory for themselves! This team is packed full of heroes that aren't going to die, so it's probably tempting to throw in another resurrection device so that high profile members can be killed. But that really screws with the tension of the series and is the worst place a writer can go with it. I'm hoping this League guy's speech is simply Sean Ryan's way of emphasizing how idiotic the Lazarus idea was.

Boomer doesn't even want to go on the mission. He figures they saw the armory and that's good enough to tick the box on Bullet Point #1. But Black Manta wants to stay for the mission to find out as much as they can. But Boomer's all, "You heard they don't have weekends, right?!" And Black Manta is all, "I hate weekends! Aquaman loves weekends!" Boomer walks out to get some air while Deadshot sits around avoiding taking sides. Although he really can't take Black Manta's side since Black Manta seems to be falling in love with The League's ideals.

Later that night, Black Manta goes out on curfew patrol with the League Liaison (who might be Tomorrow Thief still but since I don't totally remember what he looks like and his name hasn't been mentioned in the comic, I just keep referring to him as their guide or liaison). They go to investigate the sounds of fun near the children's dorm and find Digger playing soccer with the kids. Captain Boomerang really never knows when to not poke authority. If Waller was never able to fully tame him, how is The League going to? They're probably only 15% as scary as Amanda Waller.

Digger is like Ozzy Osbourne and Socrates!

New Suicide Squad #10 Rating: +5 Ranking. I don't know what happened to Sean Ryan during Convergence but it must have been magical because he somehow returned with a Suicide Squad I don't think I've seen for many years. The characters all have distinctive voices now. Ryan's treating them as people and not costumes which is exactly how these characters need to be written. This book is not supposed to be about the flashy, popular characters. It's about severely broken people trying desperately to find something to live and fight for. Plus sometimes it's just about a few crazy criminals thrown on the team by Amanda Waller as fodder so the title actually means something. I truly hope this book can continue at this level (or better! Getting even better would be better!) but I hope Sean Ryan has found his center on this thing and has fallen in love with the characters he's writing. I would cross my fingers but I'll probably need them uncrossed to masturbate later.

New Suicide Squad #4

Look at Black Manta. So useless on this team. What was he thinking?!

I was thinking about starting a restaurant review magazine called "The Cook's Mother."

Or maybe I should open a hotel chain called "No Vacancy."

Unless I get my band back together: Closed For Renovations.

How about a tropical fish store called "Flush With Success"? No? Am I reaching now?

Anyway, remember how the Suicide Squad was in Russia doing some mission that didn't make any sense with a roster that was completely idiotic and two bosses that have been micromanaging them the whole time with contradictory instructions? I don't know how they're not all dead yet! Those Russians are horrible at stuff. They couldn't even nuke me while I was growing up! Failures!

I do!

I love when the comic book does all the work for me!

The only part of the job Victor Sage wanted was the part where he pushes a button and blows off the heads of villains that won't do everything he says. But that fat bitch Amanda Waller is hogging all the head blowing up fun! Sorry. I was in Vic Sage's head when I said that last line. What I meant was "that well-proportioned ambitious woman that gets shit done." And she gets shit done so well that she doesn't hardly ever have to blow people's heads off! I think Vic Sage is also a little bit pissed about that as well. What good is a Suicide Squad that makes it to Issue #4 without a single death? Ridiculous! It should be called Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad!

Deathstroke is currently torturing Deadshot for some reason. It can't be for information because Deadshot has all of the same information that Deathstroke has. So it must just be for fun. Even with two broken legs, cracked ribs, and a bunch of internal injuries, Deadshot is able to speak coherently and make fun of Deathstroke's handicap multiple times. I would question why Deadshot is mouthing off to one of the most dangerous people on Earth but I know that Deadshot has a death wish so I don't need to ask that question.

See? Just for fun. Also, oh ho! The Suicide Squad has a big secret! It can't be that they're all idiots because that's readily apparent to anybody paying any attention. I hope they're secretly magical elves that cook delicious cookies.

Black Manta and Harley Quinn break into the facility where Deadshot is being held because that's probably the entire plan. Why would Deathstroke turn on the Squad when he's already assured a huge paycheck from the United States Government? He's probably not going to go on any other missions after this anyway since he has his own hit book that will have readers everywhere scratching their heads in consternation when they realize they're not sure what's going on because Tony S. Daniel can't choreograph his own stories. Partly because his books are half splash pages and you can't tell a whole lot of story in a two page spread of Deathstroke leaping through the air with some random city's moonlit skyline behind him.

Harley has to rely on her skinny feet and tiny fists to take out the guards while Black Manta shoots them in the face with a gun. I guess it's funnier to kick and punch people into unconsciousness rather than to end their existence entirely. Although I don't think she learned that from The Joker.

Eventually Harley scavenges some guns from the unconscious guards and begins shooting people in the face as well. But first she distracts them with her vagina.

I was always taught to shoot people in the face with my legs crossed at the ankles.

Outgunned and outnumbered about fifty to two, Harley and Black Manta barely even break a sweat. Was that action scene enough to justify the cost of the comic book? I don't think it was but that's why I'm asking others. I usually like a little bit of plot and characterization to go along with my guns and vaginas.

Oh, I apologize! There is some characterization in the last panel of the battle: Black Manta shoots a harpoon out of his wrist! Oh, that Black Manta! What a silly bear!

Harley and Manta wade through dozens of corpses before they find where Deadshot is being held prisoner. And that's when another fight scene takes place: Black Manta versus Deathstroke. Is that really a fight though? Deathstroke has honed his skills battling the best assassins on Earth. He's jacked up with super powers and healing factors and godlike powers of agility and speed! And Black Manta? He's battled Aquaman a few times. And lost. So, you know, really. How is this a fight?

Deathstroke apparently lost his shins in the war.

Harley and Floyd have to come to Manta's rescue because of those things I pointed out before the picture (mostly the lost to Aquaman thing). Floyd shoots Deathstroke in the chest and Deathstroke falls over and hits his head and loses.

Hmm. After that outcome, I have a new theory! Deathstroke isn't actually Slade Wilson! He's just some guy dressed up like Slade Wilson trying to earn some extra cash. Compare what Deathstroke went through here where he barely hits his head and is out, and what he went through in New Deathstroke #1 where his brains were leaking out all over the place and he still walked fifty blocks to find a shaman to make him young again. Totally not the same guy!

Waller and Sage deal with their power struggle and Amanda wins. No surprise to anybody there. Amanda Waller is a fierce woman and the only person able to earn the respect of most of her team members even without the exploding collars. Sure, she never quite tamed Captain Boomerang although after that Lao thing they pulled on him, he straightened up pretty quick. Of course, he did have the pleasure of hitting Waller in the face with a pie. Such a genius!

That whole "Mystery Pie Thrower" subplot might have been one of the best Suicide Squad subplots ever!

I probably shouldn't be discussing Preboot history. It makes the kids restless and angsty.

See? I knew what I was doing when I called Amanda a bitch while channeling Vic earlier. Not that it's a surprise to anybody that he was thinking it. Everybody thinks it around Waller because they're all so fucking terrified of her.

The issue ends with some Russian getting an offer to be turned into the Sixty Million Rubles Man by a company named MARS Systems. As hooks go, it's not very well baited and kind of rusty and obviously being trolled by an amateur. Every fish continue to go about your business. Nothing exciting happening here.

New Suicide Squad #4 Ranking: I'm glad this first story arc is finished. As Waller said, it was complete chaos. The team was awful. Vic Sage added nothing to the group's dynamic. No real mission was accomplished. Or was it?! Deadshot pointed out the Squad was really something other than it seems to be! And guess what? We, the readers, don't get to fucking know about it yet! Fuck you, Sean Ryan. Nobody is going to be around to find out what your big twist is when you're dropping boring fucking hints like that. These first four issues show a writer that didn't plan shit and then dropped a few bombshell "revelations" (revelations in quotes because they're simply comic book revelations which are unformed plot points that can be used later once the writer figures out how to develop them) to make it feel like something happened. Maybe. I think he just picked the team and thought, "Joker's Daughter interacting with Harley Quinn? Deadshot and Deathstroke together? This story will write itself!" And then the stupid story didn't write itself at all. Anyway, let's forget this bullshit team, put a real team together that fits a real mission, set Sage to making copies, and come up with some exciting and interesting shit to read.