Justice League Dark #31

If Constantine were on this cover, it would segue nicely into my rant about Vapers with which I'm going to begin this commentary.

I saw a Vaper take a hit of his Cigarette Computer just before he walked into a vintage shop on Hawthorne today. Fuck you, asshole. Just because there aren't any laws against Vaping anywhere, it doesn't mean you should still be a righteous dick about blowing your vapor in everyone's faces. You know why cigarettes were outlawed from public places? It's not because second hand smoke is harmful. Sure, that's probably the only reason the law was as easy as it was to put into place. No, the real reason everybody needed it to be illegal for assholes to smoke in movie theaters and airplanes and restaurants is because the fucking asshole smokers were never going to realize that they were being complete and utter dicks by filling every fucking locale with their disgusting smoke. And now the Vapers suddenly think, "Shit. This shit ain't illegal and it ain't harmful, so what the fuck is the problem? I can Vape this righteous Bubble Gum Flavored Water Vapor anywhere I want!" Fuck you. You're being a dick. Nobody wants to suck down water vapor that you just hacked up out of your disgusting lungs. Learn about consideration, you assholes. I may have to change my diet so that I can fart the nastiest smelling farts at will. Because if I have to suck down your leftover water vapor, I'm going to make sure that you suck down my misty excretions. And I won't be shy about it. My ass will be centimeters from your mouth when I let one go.

How long before a Ray Fawkes writes a story revolving around Constantine's switch to eCigarettes? Probably not long now that I mentioned it!

Currently, Alice Winter, formerly known as The Nightmare Nurse, has appeared in The House of Mystery. It seems she's got some Jason Blood/Etrigan type arrangement with Asa concerning her body. Not a legal arrangement nor a friendly one. It's more of the "that fucking demon keeps stealing my shit" kind of thing.

Also, the Mystery Girl is still in the mirrors.

Zatanna has magic at her disposal so she doesn't see why she needs to believe Alice Winter's story at all. No reason to have a discussion with her or to try to get to the bottom of this situation through civil or normal means. Might as well go right for the magic even though Constantine is constantly pointing out how there is a price to pay every time for utilizing the short cut. I suppose if I could do magic, I wouldn't do anything the normal way! I think I'd practice Synchromancy! That's the art of causing everything you want to happen at the moment you want it to happen to happen at that moment. Like right now, I really want Indian Food. So suddenly there would be a knock at my door at three in the morning and it would be a guy delivering Indian Food. I'd say, "But I didn't order any Indian Food?" And he'd say, "Oh, it's already paid for and supposed to be delivered to this address! I'm also supposed to eat out your asshole as you enjoy the food." And then I'd say, "That's why I answered the door naked!" Synchromancy!

Inside Alice Winter's mind, Zatanna discovers a memory from eighty years ago where Alice was sick and an old woman named Asa was tending to her. So you know, she discovers some stuff that she could have figured out just by making some tea and asking Alice a few simple questions. Ugh, that sounds like work! I'd do the magic as well.

I guess Alice was the girl in the mirror previously because now Asa is in the mirror and she's watching Constantine fuck three women at once. How many penises does he have? I never find out because Asa pulls him into the mirror to explain her current problem.

Shocker! Turns out he really can't leave.

A sentient cosmic nothingness attacks John and Asa in the land behind the magic mirror. I think I've met that cosmic nothingness before! I'm pretty sure my sister dated it in high school! No wait. I don't think I could categorize that bit cosmic of nothingness as sentient.

John and Asa return to The House of Mystery so that Asa can get back in her body. Zatanna and Swamp Thing believe Alice Winter is the victim and refuse to allow Asa back in. So will there be a huge magic battle or will a rational dialogue take place? I know which one is easier to write! And, as such, I'm placing my bets on the magic battle!

Once again, not enough time to explain but there will be plenty of time to battle! Fuck you, J.M., and every other writer that keeps pulling this old fucking trope. I need to practice swearing at J.M. DeMatteis since I'm going to read Larfleeze next.

During the battle, Asa tries to reenter Alice. But Zatanna jumps in the way and winds up the living vessel of The Nightmare Nurse instead of Alice. Now the Nurse is going to have to give all of her prescriptions backwards.

Is she casting the spell "ON" or just saying "NO"?

Justice League Dark #31 Rating: No change. For a 22 page comic book, nothing much fucking happens. The cliffhanger ending can pretty much be guessed at by the cover by even the most Amateur Comic Book Readers out there. A slight House of Mystery mystery was dropped in the middle which I ignored because it didn't go anywhere. It just did that comic book thing where somebody says, "I know this!" Then somebody else says, "Yes? Yes?! Explain!" And then the first person goes, "I can't remember!" What a hook! I can't wait to find out what the thing I don't even know is winds up being! This was just one more mediocre DC Comic book that wasn't fun enough to read because it was so awful and it wasn't mind blowing enough to ruin my pants because it was so good. I think I was more bored reading it than I was staring at the wall and digging in my ears.

Red Lanterns #31

Because Guy Gardner gets pants. #YesAllWomen

Judge Red is on the loose and I think she needs a theme song. But the only theme song bouncing around in my head is from What's Happening and it doesn't have any lyrics. And since I can't parody music without being able to change "love" into "drugs" and "you" into "Jew", I'll just have to let the What's Happening? theme song stand on its own as the song playing in my head whenever Judge Red appears on the page. Hopefully you'll enjoy that experience now as well!

In the last issue of Supergirl, Atrocitus and Dex-Starr were about to convince Judge Red that they were the coolest gang in the universe and that the other gang of Reds were total putzes. Supergirl had gone off to fetch her tub of blood in the hopes that a nice long soak would make Judge Red less insane. We now continue with "I am the Law Unless That Title Will Get Us Sued and Then the Story Should Just Be Called 'Law. I Am It.'"

This issue begins with Judge Red judging Atrocitus which Dex-Starr does not care for.

If my cats could make constructs, I'm fairly certain I'd wake with this on my face every morning.

Cats are tiny and fuzzy and adorable and we outweigh them by hundreds of pounds and yet I still laugh every time I see somebody shopping for only cat food at three in the morning. If these fuckers had power rings, humans would be done for.

While Atrocitus thinks telling Judge Red that he made her and thus she owes him everything is a good approach to winning her over, Supergirl informs Guy Gardner that she has a plan. But she doesn't have time to tell Guy the plan because fuck Guy Gardner and his pants. Guy has more material in his upturned collar than Supergirl and Bleez have in their outfits put together! I do like that Supergirl has a mask though because it's adorable. Although Bleez has one to. Why do female Red Lanterns have to hide their faces?

Supergirl's plan is to rip the back storeroom full of Blood Lake Blood out of the Kaalvar Interplanetary Bar and rip it open over Judge Red's head. I know that in previous issues, Red Lanterns were submerged for fairly decent periods of time before they had their sanity restored. I'm not sure how effective raining blood down upon Judge Red's head will be. Or what kind of side effects the blood will have on everybody else it lands on.

Luckily Supergirl will never have to find out how many lives the Blood ruins. The opposite of luckily, Atrocitus now has a bar storeroom full of a substance that he can draw immense power from. Although Judge Red already took a few hits from the blood before Atrocitus began controlling it. So hopefully she's currently becoming sane enough to realize the cute little kitty is more evil than the adorable Kryptonian bum.

As long as Atrocitus can't suddenly make Kryptonite, I think Kara has this.

When Gardner saw Atrocitus controlling the blood, his first suggestion was to retreat. Now when Atrocitus sees Supergirl set fire to the Blood Ocean causing a huge bloody firestorm tornado cyclone swirly thing, his first suggestion is to retreat. These fucking Red Lanterns have got no spines! They can dish the angry holier than thou righteous fury but they can't sit down and enjoy a plate of it served up from somebody else! There must be an easier way to say that.

Look at that! Another person who can't enjoy a three course meal of her favorite dish, Hitting People in the Face.

I wonder what Twat Lobo is up to right now?

Skallox comes through with a little Blood Magic of his own and with the help of holding hands, he puts out the fire and sends the blood back up into the sky and somewhere else. Maybe it's back on board the Kaalvar Bar and Grill. After that disaster is averted, Guy Gardner comes up with a new plan. It's one of Superman's favorite plans.

Batman likes this plan a lot too.

Before Charles Soule can prove he can write a decent fight scene, Atrocitus mentions Rankorr's name and things devolve into conversation. Again! Fuck! Can't this Soule do any real comic book writing? Why doesn't anybody fight in his comic books?! What a hack!

Anyway, Atrocitus offers to trade Rankorr for Judge Red without any fighting at all. And Guy seriously considers negotiating with this monster. But Judge Red interrupts with some sane words. She feels she knows what Atrocitus wants and now she must learn what Gardner wants. So she, of her own volition, chooses to stay with Supergirl's Bum. The Cat and the Teeth decide to take their leave.

At least Rankorr will still be more useful alive than dead after this confrontation.

Guy's next plan is to rescue Rankorr. That's why Rankorr is still useful! As bait for the trap!

Red Lanterns #31 Rating: +2 Ranking. How did this become the best Lantern book?! Although I say that as somebody who has never liked Hal Jordan because he always reminded me of the popular kids in high school that would treat me kindly and not make fun of me at all and just go about living their own lives while not hurting or humiliating anybody else. The self-righteous jerk!

Nightwing #30

Is this issue going to begin in a cemetery fake burying Dick Grayson?

This issue begins in the Democratic Republic of Congo. I've said it before and I'll say it again and then I'll probably forget I said it two times already and I'll say it once more before probably saying it a few more times later but the name "Democratic Republic of Congo" is trying way to hard to sound like a free country! The name of the issue is "Un Cheval Pale" except the "a" in "pale" has a little carrot arrow thing on top of it. I think that punctuation mark is called "the beanie." It probably causes the "a" to be pronounced as if you were choking on a load of snot slowly sliding down the back of your throat. This issue is called that because a load of killers and assassins roam the Democratic Republic of Congo tuering and assassinering gens. They call themselves Die Faust Der Kain because the title was too French and they wanted to not only create mort people but also Totes! And pale horses and fists of Cains are pretty good signs that death is coming right at you!

Gross! I guess they liked to fick the corpses in le cul!

Doctor Thompkins is rescued by a Hannibal's Secret model with purple wings and no bra. She takes her to be interrogated by a man with a face like quicksand. She tells them about a seminal moment in her life involving a young child and his dead parents. Don't worry! Seminal has nothing to do with sex like it might sound! At least not in the way I used it! I didn't mean she had a moment in her life that was covered in semen involving a child and his dead parents. That might fly over in an Image comic book but DC is all about family entertainment and dead sidekicks! She also believes she might have told these people too much! And that could be bad since they work for Spyral.

This is why Alfred usually murders people who discover Batman's secret identity. Alfred's motto is "What Batman doesn't know can't hurt him, but what other people know, can." It's actually half motto, half rationalization for his love of serial killing.

Later, Alfred's fucking heart is broken because Batman won't let him in on the secret that Dick Grayson didn't die. Bruce, you're a monster! You might think you're protecting Alfred and Dick by convincing everybody Dick is dead, but what you're really just doing is destroying him. You're destroying yourself and your relationships! Remember how often keeping things from the people closest to you worked out when they discovered you were keeping things from them? In seventy five years, I'd be able to count how many times it worked on my fingers even if I'd been in a major farming accident with an augur and lost both hands! But that's why, as I mentioned in a previous commentary, Bruce's motto (he has one too!) is "Keep your friends in the dark and your enemies in Arkham."

Batman and Dick spar without any shirts on and everybody that is into two hot, sweaty guys wrestling without any shirts (I'd estimate that's about 98% of everybody) say, "Homina homina homina." Then, even though they're curious to find out what kind of mission Batman has for Dick that needs him to stay dead, they go and relieve their sexual tension in whatever their favorite way of relieving sexual tension is (I'd estimate 98% of the 98% rubbed a cat on their genitals).

Batman wants Dick to remain dead and infiltrate Spyral.

And it must be really important to him because the Batmobile isn't the only thing smashed in the sparring. Damian's Robin Suit Memorial. The Batplane. A giant die. The Batcycle. A question mark. A bunch of computers. Even the dinosaur loses some teeth.

Not only does Batman not care that Alfred's heart is breaking, Batman doesn't care that Alfred is going to have to clean up this fucking mess! I bet Alfred discovers some of Dick Grayson's blood as he's cleaning. And since Alfred has tended the wounds of Dick and Bruce and Jason and Tim for more years than he can count (he's getting old and can't count very high anymore), he'll probably recognize it immediately. "Why, that's Master Grayson's blood! I'd know those erythrocytes anywhere!"

Dick eventually agrees to infiltrate Spyral. But not because it will save the heroes from having their identities exposed. And not because Batman asked him to do it. He'll do it so he can hide from Dan Didio. Maybe if he's in a comic book called "Grayson," he'll be able to fly under the radar and Didio will stop going around trying to get him killed off.

Grayson goes around the world taking out members of The Fist of Cain until Spyral notices him and recruits him. They know he was Nightwing and now they have use for him. Somehow. Maybe they need circus entertainers for a festival.

Nightwing #30 Rating: +2 Ranking. It was a fitting end to the story that was being told. Hopefully Dick will find friends in Spyral that will make him happy! I don't like that Nightwing won't be interacting with the rest of the super heroes of the DC Universe. I doubt that will last long though. Secrets never keep in the DC Universe. They just remain secret when the story needs them to be secret and then they're not secret at all when a writer forgets they're supposed to be secret. It gets a little confusing when DC creates a bunch of covert, black ops organizations but everybody fucking knows about them all. Let's see how long they can keep Dick and Task Force X secret now that they've rebooted them! My guess is two months! And not starting with their next first issues! I mean starting now!

Suicide Squad #30

It's nice to see King Shark's flushing didn't take.

I don't know why this issue of Suicide Squad was even needed. Perhaps it's time for DC to bring back the policy where they just fucking pull the rug out from under a creative team and tell them to hang up their shit, the gig's over. This last issue and Nightwing's last issue are both completely new creative teams, so I guess DC felt that some final Forever Evil plot threads needed to be tied up before they shitcanned these books. Suicide Squad has simply never found an identity that worked. It's mostly been garbage, treating the characters in it like garbage, and really just riding Harley's popularity for thirty issues. This book has been a stinker.

I hate saying that, too! I absolutely loved Ostrander's Suicide Squad. I even loved Giffen's short-lived run that was released sometime around the turn of the millennium. But this version seems to have been poorly thought out and rushed to press simply because DC wanted a Suicide Squad book for The New 52. Hopefully now it will remain cancelled until somebody can come up with a really good pitch for a new series and good reason to bring the team back. Give them a fucking purpose aside from dealing with Amanda's personal vendetta's against Regulus and Basilisk. Fuck, that Basilisk shit was poorly planned out as well.

The issue begins with the government of the United States of America encouraging Black Manta to kill Aquaman with a sly nudge and a wink.

What is wrong with Black Manta's voice?

Amanda Waller is in Washington, D.C. to be fitted with a government buttplug. She's bent over at a congressional hearing, sized up, measured, fitted, and spit back out into the system, confused for possibly the first time in The New 52.

Floyd Lawton has his mustache back although he's chosen to go with a look that says "I'm the douchiest date rapist in the Fraternity," a Van Dyke/Soulpatch combo. He's being transferred to a new prison along with a couple of guys that I might be the only one frothing at the anal glands to see: Coldsnap and Shakedown! Those guys were in the Masters of Disaster! Coldsnap mentions how their ladies are still free and are going to break them out! That means we might get the first appearance of New-Wave, Heatstroke, and Windfall! I hope Windfall especially appears. Even though she's so young, I think it's okay for me to still have a huge crush on her because I had a huge crush on her when I was a kid first getting into comic books. That's not weird or anything! I'm just wallowing in nostalgia, not acting like a pedo!

Meanwhile, the Secretary of Defense has been assigned to make sure Waller's buttplug is nice and secure.

Why is that guy's desk so long? Is he overcompensating for the length of his buttplug?

This issue has completely revamped the Suicide Squad like DC needed to do to it two years ago. The members will now be completely secret and won't be seen as prisoners or have any ties to the United States. The missions will be to secure American interests while having no apparent ties to America. They will just be a bunch of super villains committing international crimes. And if those crimes just happen to help out the United States, who's going to notice except all the conspiracy theorists? And who's going to believe them since the term "conspiracy theorist" has become a way of dismissing people without having to counter their arguments or engage them in debate.

Meanwhile, Heatstroke and New-Wave are captured trying to break out their teammates. No Windfall to be seen though, dammit!

Black Manta tries to go out for a burger but when he orders, the server is all, "Why the fuck is your speech balloon all polarized and shit?" And Black Manta is all, "I'LL TAKE FRIES WITH THAT!" And then he bashes her face into the register for no reason whatsoever except to get arrested. You know, I kind of liked Black Manta when he was running around trying to kill Aquaman. Firstly, who cares if Aquaman gets killed? Good riddance! And secondly, Aquaman killed Black Manta's father for no fucking good reason! So Black Manta actually has as good a reason as any super villain out there to kill a super hero. But now that Black Manta has taken an innocent, underpaid fast-food clerk's face and smashed it through a cash register, I don't think I can like him anymore. In my book, the worst thing you can do is to treat like shit a person who gets treated like shit all the fucking time. When you yell at a clerk at a convenience store or a server at a fast food restaurant, realize you're in no way the first person to treat that person like shit. How dare you continue to make them feel like crap? Even if they love their job, they're still barely making anything and have to deal with assholes who didn't get their burgers put together the correct way. Now they have to deal with half of their teeth getting knocked out and a serious concussion?! Fuck you, Black Manta! Fuck you right in the polarized speech bubble.

Well, I guess admitting you have an anger problem is a decent first step to mend this bridge between us!

Do you think if I painted a mace green, I could convince people that I had a Green Lantern ring and the mace was a construct? It's the go to construct for most Green Lanterns, right?!

I'm almost through and King Shark hasn't appeared yet! You better get crackin' on his return, Sean Ryan!

Black Manta joins up with Task Force X, Amanda is back in place heading up the crew at Belle Reve (although with much less power and an uncomfortable foreign item lodged up her backside), Floyd Lawton is in a cell nearby, and The Masters of Disaster look like they're going to be some of the first casualties when the Suicide Squad relaunches with Issue #1. I don't know when that takes place but I sure hope it's fucking interesting!

Suicide Squad #30 Rating: +3 Ranking. I probably shouldn't give this issue a positive ranking since it's less like Suicide Squad #30 and more like Suicide Squad Volume Two (of The New 52!) #0. I like the direction it's headed in. I like that Deadshot and Amanda are still the foundation of the group. And I love that The Masters of Disaster have made an appearance although I'm sure at least one of them is going to die in the Squad's relaunch. Black Manta did a dick thing and I'm not happy with him right now! So he can go shit in his helmet for all I care. Hopefully Boomerang finds his way into the Squad as well. And since she has her own title now, I hope Harley Quinn stays out. She really didn't fit in with the Squad very well anyway, even if she was the only reason people were buying this series.

Batman Eternal #8

In this issue, Vicki Vale plagiarizes Lois Lane and wins a Goofy or whatever the fuck an award in journalism is called. An Inconsequential? A Dead Media? A Who the Fuck Cares Anymore?

I know what I'm talking about when I talk about dead media! I'm typing out words, aren't I? I'm rolling around in the stink of death simply by blogging. The age of the written word is dead! Nowadays it's all about rambling incoherently in front of a webcam or a microphone to later edit down the rambling into somewhat coherent rambling featuring all the best bits of near non-nonsense. Also, you need two or more people because it's easier to dialogue than to monologue. No matter how much a person pimps reading over viewing, that person is lying by how much they pimp reading over viewing. Reading on a phone is much harder than listening to a podcast or watching a vlog on a phone. Also, multitasking is impossible while reading. Actually, multitasking is impossible while doing anything but nobody is going to believe that because everybody is a narcissistic asshole that believes the busier they are, the more interesting they are. What multitasking actually does is make somebody do barely competent work on two things. Just try to remember a conversation you had with somebody while you were busy doing some other thing. Can't do it. But if you can, then you won't remember whatever the fuck you were doing while talking. You can multitask if one of the two tasks you've been doing so long you can now do by rote. But if you're reading and doing something else, it's like you never even read what you read. Sure, you can tell people you've now read War and Peace. But you'll never be able to discuss it coherently.

I think I was multitasking while writing that last paragraph because it seemed to have wandered away from whatever fucking point I was trying to make. On the plus side, I had a really shitty conversation with somebody I can't remember about something really important to them. Good times!

Oh! I remember what I was saying (I suppose I could have reread what I wrote to figure it out but who has time to reread things they've written? What am I? Some kind of self-congratulatory egomaniac?)! Writing is dead! So why do I keep doing it? I'll tell you why! Because I'm not dead and I need to fill these endless hours of ennui with some kind of fucking activity!

Currently in Batman Eternal (while you're reading this, pretend an androgynous figure with a perky haircut and slightly off-kilter cuteness is speaking it with their face jammed right up near the lens while lots of old horror movie posters and science fiction books and old action figures (uncarded!) fill up the shelves in the background), Batman Eternal (is that his new name? I guess so! It's on the cover!) is giving Falcone serious gas.

Those are some sharp fucking sideburns!

But Batman's just pushing rope all over Gotham. When Batman busts Falcone's men and ties them up for the police, the police merely let them go because the new Commissioner Forbes won't be a party to vigilantism. Also Falcone is paying Forbes good money to do whatever Falcone wants and Batman isn't paying Forbes any money at all. What Batman needs to do is steal everything that Falcone's men are stealing and stick it in a Batvault. Take as much of the local economy out of the economy and keep it for himself until Falcone falls. Don't let Falcone get a whiff of currency. Bruce can have Alfred tag it all and keep a database detailing what belongs to whom so that it can all be returned once things are back to normal, minus a percentage fee for safe keeping, of course. He should also be taking fingers! Batman has no problem severely maiming people, right? He should be cutting off a finger from every criminal he catches! Secret Origins said he wants to shock his enemies! I think wearing a necklace of fingers would be pretty shocking!

Bullock should at least pay some kids to throw bricks at them.

Falcone's men might not be in danger of being arrested but Falcone is still upset that his men are being hampered by The Batman. So he's setting a plan in motion that will teach Batman that Gotham is no longer his sexual partner. Gotham belongs to Falcone now. Except Batman has already had multiple people try to teach him this lesson. Bane. The Court of Owls. The Riddler. The Red Hood. The Penguin. Talia al Ghul. What makes Falcone think he's going to be any better at teaching The Batman? Batman's test scores in the subject of Gotham City Doesn't Belong to Batman are horrendous. Although will this lesson be the lesson where Batman is tied to the Bat Signal and Batman Eternal begins? No, that lesson began with "The End" and I don't think this weekly shit is anywhere near ending.

Falcone and Forbe's plan to stop Batman is to turn on the Batsignal and wait for him to appear on the roof.

After which all of the police will unload their shotguns, killing all of the other police unloading their shotguns across from them.

Jason Bard blows the capture on purpose by having one unit fire smoke grenades. Not only does it help Batman escape, it probably saves a bunch of lives before the police panic and begin accidentally killing each other. At least Batman learned he has a new friend on the force. Later, Batman decides to go on vacation in Hong Kong for a bit. But that's where Catwoman is vacationing! I thought they had decided to take separate vacations ever since Batman revealed that he's emotionally unavailable and only ever wants to see Catwoman when she's not robbing things and horny.

Batman Eternal #8 Rating: No change. This is probably the part of the "review" where I "review" the actual comic book. But I keep trying to remind everybody that this isn't a review site! This is where I read comic books and make fun of them as much as I can! If I was actually reviewing these things, I might offer one or two of them a reach around once in awhile while trying to convince them how special they are. Oh wait! I just thought of some things that Batman Eternal would probably love to hear while I am servicing it from the rear with my Bane Strap-on: "Welcome to Gotham. It's going to be a wild ride!" and (just a second as I hit the venom release button...AAAAAARRRRRGHHHHHH HERE I COME!) "Promises to redefine Gotham City as we know it." and "Has the potential to go down as one of The New 52's best ventures." I totally didn't plagiarize those from Lois Lane!

Secret Origins #2

Oh shit. Who allowed Scott Lobdell to tell Starfire's origin?!

It's that time of the month! Time for more Secret Origins that nobody really fucking needs to read! Okay, maybe some people would like to know more about these characters. I shouldn't assume that everybody else has been reading DC Comics for the last thirty years as well! So shall we just fucking get on with it then?

Batman
The first story is about Batman's origin! That's an easy one! I can do it with just a few words! Zorro. Mugging. Death. Pearls. Sadness. Bat. Justice!

It looks like DC is going to be a bit long-winded about it.

At least DC's story has pictures.

I don't know who the Narrator is. It's just some Gothamite telling the story of how not just Bruce Wayne was changed by the death of his parents, but the entirety of Gotham! From that tragedy, they learned that random chance could cut any of their threads at any time! And that apparently sent Gotham over the edge and into madness! How can one's mind comprehend the terrible tragedy of a chaotically random universe?! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

Spoiler Alert: You never learn how to get there! You do learn how to attempt to stop the tide from coming in with your bare hands. But that other thing where nobody dies tragically in violent acts? Yeah, you never learn to stop that. Sorry!

Bruce travels the world to learn to stop random acts of violence and psychotic madmen. This one time, he trained under a monkey with cybernetic limbs. I wish this story was that story! But it isn't. Instead, this story is just a composite of panels inspired by back-up stories in previous Batman comic books. A panel which shows how Batman learned to fight to the death without any death and a panel where Batman learned how to solder from a silly monkey and a panel where Batman learned how to drive a stick shift. A page where The Red Hood teaches him an important lesson.

This is that lesson that we all eventually learn. It's the one about not being able to go home again. It's just that most of us don't get hit in the face with a mace when we learn it. Just me and Batman, apparently.

And so Bruce realizes what he's been doing wrong all along! He's been fighting without a ridiculous costume! That's the way to a world free from random violence! A man in a bat costume that carries away children that don't eat their vegetables! Well, actually, that part of the story from Martha can probably be changed a bit. Maybe carry away murderers or something. Anyway, the idea can be refined later! Right now, Alfred needs to get that fucking bat out of the house! It might be rabid! Eeeek!

Batman Origin Rating: No change. If there was anything new here, somebody else will have to explain it to me! I think the idea that he chose to be a bat not simply because a bat flew through the window but because his mother told him cautionary tales about them to get him to eat his vegetables, and because he once learned to shock his enemies. That might be the itty bitty twist that was put on the origin here.

Aquaman
Okay! I think I can do Aquaman's origin in just a few words as well! Woman. Grunion. Spanish Fly. Freak baby! No wait! That's my origin! I think Aquaman's has something to do with a man fucking a mermaid! That's nearly the same thing.

The best part of the origin takes place between the panels. You know! The part that takes place between the sheets!

The rest of the origin is really nothing new. It's already been covered in the pages of Aquaman except maybe with a bit less detail. Aquaman comes out the day of his high school graduation after which his dad dies, he kills Black Manta's father, and he ditches all of his friends. Then he meets some boring super heroes that he dubs "the Others" before ditching those friends to join the Justice League! Later, he ditches those assholes to become King of Atlantis and to stop all manner of monsters from eating anything at all. The end!

Aquaman Origin Rating: No change. This was pretty much a matter of fact retelling of the important bits of Aquaman's life up until this moment. The most important bit seems to be the part where Arthur's friend Danny basically set Aquaman on the path that would cause Aquaman to give up trawling with him. So why was he being such a whiny douche at the high school reunion about Art ditching him? Jerko!

Starfire
Starfire's origin is even easier to tell than the other two heroes! She was born an alien and thus has special powers that are natural to her alien race! There might also be some parts in there about slavery and not wanting to be a part of slavery (especially the slave part of slavery) or something. Probably a bit about how strong it made her and how it taught her to wear very little clothes.

That's the problem, Kori! You renounced your warrior ways publicly! That's basically like saying "Free slaves!" to the rest of the warrior races!

The Tamarans are invaded by The Citadel who are being controlled by the Dominators who have some kind of deal with Helspont. So, you know, whatever aliens Scott Lobdell could think up at the time he wrote this. And since he only writes while he's taking a shit, he didn't have a lot of time to think up any more aliens than this or else he would have thrown them omni in for super duper loads of excitement.

Just like it always happened, Blackfire is put on the throne as a puppet queen and Kori is sent into slavery to keep her in line and keep the people of Tamaran sad. Also Kori is kept sad too! Because of the slavery.

Some other stuff happens where she eventually gets sold into slavery aboard the S.S. Starfire. It's there that she fights back and leads the slaves to revolt and overthrows her slave masters! All in the skimpiest underwear any space princess has ever worn!

Starfire Origin Rating: No change. Once again, this story mostly covered old material without presenting any new or interesting themes. Relatively boring.

While the first Secret Origins showed some promise and made me think I was wrong to instantly despise this new series, this issue ruined all of that new found goodwill! It wasn't awful, so I'm not dropping its rank any. But it just didn't contain any sparks of insight or interesting themes. Batman's story was probably the most interesting. The other two just felt like rehashed hash. I know this series isn't really for me since I'm a Master Comic Book Reader and I've read everything published with "The New 52" stamped on the front, but I was still hoping for, at the very least, some new perspectives on the characters. So far, Greg Pak's take on Superman from his two mothers' points of view was the best new origin and the one everybody else should look to on how to make these origins fresh.

Futures End #4

Frankenstein was a founding member of Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band.

Five years from now, Frankenstein is five years more pissed off with SHADE than he was five years ago. By "five years ago", I mean "now." Time is confusing when you actually think about it. The only thing you really need to know is that it will eventually betray you. It will wear you down physically, mentally, and emotionally until the day it finally gives you the finger and turns out the lights. But time relentlessly moving forward wouldn't seem so bad without our fucking memories reminding us how things used to be. Time is trying to drag us away from the past but our minds force us to live in a psychotropic mixture of past, present, and future thought. Without our brains ability to remember and foresee, we'd simply live in the moment. We'd never know we'd gotten older or more feeble because whatever our current physical and mental state would, to our perception, have simply always been our current physical and mental state. Old age and death would catch us by surprise which, frankly, is the way I'd prefer it! Next Christmas, I'm going scream venomously at my parents for raising me to experience time and nostalgia and desires and dreams! Couldn't they have just stuck me in a dark room where I slept when tired and ate when food was put before me?! I hate them for giving me a human life!

Anywhat, Frankenstein has tracked down SHADE's Ant Farm because he wants to shove a sword up Father Time's vagina (I don't mean for that to come across as a misogynistic statement of violence toward women! I just liked the juxtaposition of the words "Father" and "vagina"). Frank's pissed that SHADE has been putting surveillance equipment up the asses of Polar Bears and keeping track of Frank while he lives a life of solitude up in the arctic. But Father Time has a new Agent of Shade to protect his vagina and his other parts that are equally as important.

Having to sew your parts back on is a poor substitute to a regenerative ability.

Father Time starts blah blah blahing about how Frank really came back because he truly desires to become an agent once more. While he's doing that, he misses an ample opportunity to make a really good acronym! He mentions that SHADE is the greatest weapon against "supernatural chaos and paranormal evil." That's SCAPE! Now he just needs to come up with some words to form GOAT and Father Time has a fantastic new acronym for a villainous HYDRAesque enemy! SCAPEGOAT: Supernatural Chaos And Paranormal Evil Generating Opportunistic Apocalyptic Threats. Or something. I'm sure Azz and Giff and Jurg and Lemmy thought up a pretty good one and will reveal it later. That SCAPE thing seems too spot on acronymmy to not be a premeditated acronym.

"Almost as old"? I suppose depending on how you define when Stormwatch began, that could mean Father Time began SHADE before Merlin began watching the storms, or it could mean Father Time was born before the universe was born. He is Father Time! I guess that makes sense!

Father Time points out how Stormwatch was destroyed by an unknown entity (probably THE CANCELLATOR!) out in deep space. Stormwatch. Killed. With lots of super duper uber super heroes. In no time flat. So what does Father Time want to do? Send Frankenstein and Amethyst into space to investigate! This is beginning to sound like a B Movie! "FRANKENSTEIN ON MARS! You won't believe your eyes! Mostly because the effects will be laughable and nobody really tried nailing the script down to a coherent plot."

Father Time convinces Frank to head into space because Nina From the Black Lagoon had just joined Stormwatch and was killed in the massacre. So he's playing on Frank's desire to always get revengeance on his enemies. And to get into deep space, Ray Palmer has developed a method of quick travel that shrinks people down and sends them through the Phantom Zone. Well, maybe it doesn't shrink them down as well. But it wouldn't surprise me.

Meanwhile in New York, Cal Corcoran, formerly known as Red Robin, formerly known as Tim Drake, formerly known as something else (unless it was his parents that changed their name when they went into hiding and Tim kept the family name), is jogging with his girlfriend whose name is Madison Payne. Get it? She's a "mad pain"!

See? Stop prying! What a pain in the bat-ass!

While jogging, Tim gets his first glimpse of Batman Beyond on some ubiquitous television screen. And he instantly gets all judgmental on Bruce.

That's a bit unfair. Bruce never asked you to be a fucking Robin. That was your choice and your screw up and you didn't really leave him with much of a choice after you nearly got your parents killed! At least, you know, in The New 52 version of you!

Bruce did the best he could with the editorial demanded sidekick to appeal to younger readers! It wasn't his fault that time moved and comic books took a darker, more adult turn. Bruce isn't the asshole that decided to leave it up to the readers (or reader seeing as how the vote was practically rigged!) as to whether or not Jason Todd would live! Bruce wasn't the magic bald shaman writer that created Damian just so Damian could die! Leave Bruce alone! He's just trying to make his way the only way he knows how! He can't help it if that's just a little bit more than the law will allow!

I haven't seen the credits yet for this issue but I'm sensing a Keith Giffen Breakdown Layout deal! All of these pages have his signature six panels of equal size foundation!

Meanwhile across a few six panel pages, The Key and Plastique are trying to hire Coil for a new job. Coil is on parole and has decided to go legit. But I suppose they're going to have a job that intrigues him enough to change his mind. Or Plastique is going to just blow his head off.

I don't recognize Coil. They mention that Flash took him down otherwise I might have thought he was Ann Nocenti's Coil even if he does look quite different. But since that Coil was awful, I'm just going to forget he even existed now.

That last job concerns a break in at Terrifitech. So one way or the other, it really will be a last job, won't it?

Meanwhile Grifter has now begun murdering innocent people in self-help groups. And his Narration Boxes are getting bigger and bigger as he continues to try to justify his horrendous behavior.

King Faraday needs Cole Cash's They Live Vision and until he gets it, everybody gets to think of Grifter in the same terms that I do! I hope he gets the death penalty! Normally I don't believe in capital punishment but I'll make an exception for Grifter.

Futures End #4 Rating: No change. When are things going to get exciting? When are more super heroes going to die?! Where are the aliens and the Bugbots and the Cancellator and pictures of the dead Teen Titans?! I suppose the creative team thinks they can allow the plot to move along slowly since it continues every fucking week. Batman Eternal took a few weeks to get interesting as well. And I can't say this isn't interesting. But it's definitely moving slowly.