Green Lanterns #2

Bleez always looks like she forgot to put on the skirt before leaving the house.

The Review!
It's the buddy cop Green Lantern mash-up you've all been waiting for! One is a street wise misogynistic rookie! The other is an agoraphobic Islamaphobe who's an even rookier rookie! Together, they're Green Lanterns! Green both because they're rookies and because they're in that Corps whose power is based on willpower! The characters might not actually be as misogynistic and Islamaphobic as I'm pretending they are. Since the basic concept of the comic book revolves around neither one liking the other too much and how they're constantly criticizing the other in their inner monologues, I feel it's more exciting to spice up the mistrust they feel for each other. Plus neither one of them is a white guy, so I think if I write conversations where they criticize each other in ignorant ways, it's punching parallel! Which is okay, right? Or is it still wrong because I'm writing it? What if I scream that it's parody and satire and other stuff that used to be okay but now gets people angry for different reasons!? I think I get a free pass about knowing right from wrong because according to all the Youthsplanations I receive every day, I'm always wrong about everything (except my mistrust of the cops! That just keeps getting proven time and time again! Although I don't want to turn a daily tragedy into about me being right yet again! At least I do but I want to acknowledge that I didn't mean to do that but still do it anyway!) I'm even going to be told I'm wrong by an old white guy when I read Green Arrow next!

The Commentary!
This issue begins on the planet Ysmault which is identified as the "home of the Red Lanterns" instead of explaining which sector it is located. It's Sector 2814, by the way. Don't believe the incorrect information being passed around by Issue #1! I'm not sure why the comic begins on Ysmault since Red Lanterns was cancelled. And I'm fairly confident that "Green" is not a synonym for "Red" so I'm confused. I guess DC Comics just doesn't know how to let the Red Lanterns go. What makes them so special? The Indigo Lanterns have pretty much vanished and all but one of the Blue Lanterns have been killed by bugs and/or Twat Lobo. The only Orange Lantern has been relegated to jokey comic books and the Star Sapphires are pretending to have Tupper Ware parties but they're really having sex with hot space guys behind the Guardians' backs.

I'd hate to sit on a subway next to Atrocitus.

Back in Pima County, Arizona, Sector 2814, Atrocitus's Hell Tower begins erupting. Simon Baz and Jessica Cruz aren't around to help because they weren't Green Lantern enough for ARGUS. ARGUS must have forgotten their Secret Police Tape to close off the crime scene because dozens of citizens are standing around the Hell Tower when it erupts. Now dozens of citizens, along with the ARGUS agents, are really mad for no reason at all! Unless the Hell Tower is the reason. And maybe their dead family members.

Up in Portland, Oregon, a lot of douches are thinking they're cool, especially the one that lives in the apartment beneath me. I wonder how many people reading this are from Portland, living beneath somebody else, and are now wondering if that's Tess up there? Also happening in a Lexmart in Portland, Jessica Cruz is introducing herself to the readers and having a nice little About Me chat with them. It doesn't make any sense. Does she know she's in a comic book and that I just turned the page to see her for the first time this month? I would think she would be too concerned with all of the angry shoppers that were attacking her for no reason at all. Really no reason this time! She's not in the Hell Tower or Dead Family Members Aisle.

Jessica's sister has become the Angriest Shopper in the World and Jess doesn't know how to help her. Oh yeah, Jessica also mentions her anxiety so that readers suffering from anxiety can be all, "Cool! Representation! Except for that part about how she totally hasn't been crippled by her anxiety at all in her Justice League adventures! Probably because Volthoom was controlling her! Also, what did she mean by her sister made her leave her apartment even though she was crippled by anxiety? Fuck saving that cunt! How dare she!?" It's about at the time I thought "Should I include the word 'cunt' in my imaginary reader's thoughts?" when Simon Baz comes crashing through the wall of a store in a Light Construct Humvee to save the day!

When Jess sees Si, she thinks, "Look at how violently he just entered the store? Religion of peace, my big brown ass!" And Simon Baz is thinking:

"Religion of pieces, more like! SMASH! BANG! BOOM!"

Apparently Sam Humphries thematic element tying this series together is explained in this moment as Simon arrives. I said "apparently" when I probably should have said "undoubtedly and without question" because Jess thinks, "I might be all anxiety, but he's all impulse. Somewhere in the middle is where a Green Lantern should be." So that's why they were forced to share a Lantern! Because they're representative of two halves of one mind. So it's like The X-Files but less subtle or interesting!

Not that I'm totally disinterested in this comic book but it is doing a few things I could do without. How about more funny light constructs and less interior monologues about the differences between Si and Jess? Or maybe more interior dialogues between the two but make them more hate-filled and racist! I don't mean because I enjoy those things! I just mean because I would think it was funny if they were both ignorant assholes who eventually learn to not be ignorant because of interacting with each other and space travel! They'll still be assholes though.

Who the fuck is Simon talking to? I hate these kinds of fucking Narration Boxes! HE SHOULD NOT BE AWARE OF ME WATCHING HIM!

Jessica has been having trouble making light constructs because of her anxiety or something. She's so full of self-doubt that she can't even make a butterfly net to catch her sister. A butterfly net is like Green Lanterning 101! It's like the elephant lamp that you pull the trunk and the light comes on of Green Lantern Shop Class! But she's too scared of hurting her sister so impulsive Simon Baz has to swing into action and help out. He puts Sara Cruz in suspended animation that should keep her safe while he and Jess fly into space to fight Red Lanterns. On his way out of the Lexmart, he steals a stuffed animal and crashes through the roof. I want to complain about how irresponsible he is for a peacemaker in a position of authority but how can I when he's at least not killing the people he's supposed to protect. I just can't get angry at a space cop stealing a teddy bear when actual cops are stealing lives.

Simon and Jessica realize the Red Lanterns are invading Earth with their hate. They don't have time to stop them this issue even though Aquaman took care of his first problem in only two issues. Although Black Manta was freed before getting to prison, so once he's done feeling like he wasted his life trying to kill Aquaman, he'll get right back up on that Aquaman killing hobbyhorse, I'm sure. Hopefully next issue begins with Simon and Jessica charging their rings so that they don't wind up in the usual shitty Green Lantern cliffhanger where the ring is running out of power. Although Simon still has the gun strapped to his thigh, so he can at least find out if bullets can kill Atrocitus. I bet they work against the cat!

Twat Lobo #11

I guess Larfleeze is too powerful for Twat Lobo.

Twat Lobo was cancelled just in time! According to Mister Master Cullen Bunn Esquire himself, DC Comics was going to allow him to ruin another great DC Comics character! Here's what he said on his Tumblr:

The biggest element that will be lost is that we were going to have [Twat] Lobo find out who had put out the "contract" on Czarnia. We'll see some of that, but not much. Originally, I had a long arc where a New 52 version of [Twat] Hitman (Tommy Monaghan) would have shown up and the two would gone [sic] after "the dark forces working against the assassins behind the scenes" together.

Holy shit am I glad Twat Lobo was cancelled before that happened! Hitman does not belong in space. "Dark forces" aren't really dark forces if they're working against assassins. They're just other people in the business of being jerks! Or they're, you know, good guys! I can't imagine DC could find somebody less subtle than Cullen Bunn to write Hitman. He'd probably turn him into another bad-ass spouting bad-ass insults while accomplishing bad-ass feats. Tommy would lose any hint of maudlin or melancholy or his desperate hope for something better for the people he loves while knowing he's destined for hell and bad times no matter what. I think if Cullen Bunn had been allowed to write Hitman, I would finally have realized it's simply time to stop reading comic books. I put up with Nocenti writing Katana and Klarion. I'm putting up with Bunn writing Lobo. I put up with Lobdell writing Superman. I think Cullen Bunn writing Hitman would finally have broken me. I'm just so fucking tired of poor editorial decisions and higher ups at DC Comics not giving a shit about talent.

Although horrible books are fun to trash! That's the segue into this month's Twat Lobo!

Twat Lobo has followed Bleez back to the Red Lanterns' new home. It's a ship orbiting Ysmault. I don't know when Atrocitus took back his home. I don't know when Bleeze once again became pals with Atrocitus. I don't know why aliens come to Ysmault to get their ring when most rings just fly around the universe, land on a finger, and bring the aliens back to base. I don't know who the Rage Mother is and why she needs to hold the main power battery. What I do know is that Twat Lobo is going to kill most of the Red Lanterns and destroy the main power battery for Sinestro. Because Twat Lobo is a huge tool of the man!

I think the font is supposed to make this scary.

Twat Lobo is the greatest killer in the universe so I'm not worried about how this battle is going to go. I think I am supposed to have a raging boner prepped and ready for a ten page long gorefest of a battle! Where's my Rage Viagra?!

Before the battle really even begins, Cullen Bunn takes out his own personal feelings on a character and gains even more of my enmity than I was already allowing him.

Fuck you, Bunn. Look at the big man killing the kitty cat! What an amazing piece of writing. You piece of shit.

Hey! Guess who the vile disgusting editor of this kitty murder scene is? Yep! Sexaul Harassment Expert Eddie Berganza! What other lousy editor would give the go-ahead for killing Dex-Starr? I wonder if he's got Krypto in his sights next? Jesus Christ, I wish that Cullen Bunn would sign an exclusivity contract with Marvel. He can't get away from DC's characters fast enough.

Twat Lobo makes sure to Narration Box "These guys are hardcore" and "Let's hope I can handle it" so that the reader derives some fake tension from the battle. I guess this is finally going to be an actually tough fight for Twat Lobo! I hope he survives! No wait. I hope he doesn't survive.

Atrocitus has Twat Lobo on the ropes, drooling blood all over Twat Lobo's face! It looks like he's going to defeat Twat Lobo! He even says something about wondering if Twat Lobo can endure his wrath or something. The important thing is that you read and remembered he used the word "endure" so that a page later, you'll understand Twat Lobo's terrific and not overused by hack writers comeback line.

Get it? Atrocitus said endure and now Twat Lobo is turning it around on him by repeating it and adding "this" to the end!

Twat Lobo escapes so that his face can heal. It shouldn't heal too much though because, for some reason, Rocha is drawing him a lot more like Real Deal Lobo this issue. Maybe all this Lantern work is aging him and he'll soon look just like the version of himself who will travel back in time to be killed by his younger self in Twat Lobo #1! I bet Real Deal Lobo (who is just, in my theory, an older version of Twat Lobo) is the one who put the hit on Czarnia after coming back from the future where he was married to Tommy Monaghan and living with a bunch of space dolphins.

Twat Lobo manages to set up some traps because he escaped so far ahead of the Red Lanterns. He's like Dick Dastardly in a Wacky Race! Except more psychotic and actually willing to kill everybody in the Arkansas Chugabug and the Anthill Mob. It's super exciting! After Twat Lobo gets away, there's a page where he says, "I know! I'll make some traps with all of these Inquisitional Torture Devices I just stumbled across!" Then there's a page where one of the Red Lanterns says, "What's this!" Atrocitus says, "No! I sense you are about to explode all over the page for the benefit of all the rage boners enjoying this comic book!" And that's what happens! Then the next page, Twat Lobo is saying, "Ha ha! Suckers! Now I can rest some more and have a masturbation fantasy!"

I hope a surprise appearance by a naked lady didn't confuse all of those rage boners!

I get it. People like bad comic books for various reasons. I think the biggest reason is that they simply ignore every idiotic thing that happens because they're simply in love with the character or because they once met Cullen Bunn at a con and now they feel a bond and need to like his work. I don't like it. He makes stupid mistakes because he's not paying attention to the things he's previously written just a few pages ago. Like in the previous issue where Twat Lobo claims he did research on the Indigo Lanterns and then is surprised by their ability to teleport. Let me walk you through just some technical shit that turns me off from this poorly written issue. We'll begin with Twat Lobo having just killed another Red Lantern.

Here we see Twat Lobo declare that he's gotta keep his distance. He also feels bad for them because they'll never see him coming. See, he controls his rage while they are puppets of their own rage. Advantage: Twat Lobo!

Whoops! Twat Lobo underestimates Atrocitus and doesn't see him coming! Advantage: Atrocitus.

So far, so good. Twat Lobo knows he must keep his distance and he's learned that maybe Atrocitus isn't as dumb and clumsy and rampagy as he thought. Twat Lobo is no Midnighter! So now Twat Lobo knows he must keep his distance, right?!

Okay, so Atrocitus was right on top of him and then in the next panel, Twat Lobo has extended the space between them. Great job, Twat Lobo! You've got a gun and everything! You can remain at that distance and finish him off!

It looks like Twat Lobo's plan is coming together! Now let's take a look at the next panel!

What the holy fuck are you fucking doing, Twat Lobo?! You had one clear strategy! KEEP YOUR FUCKING DISTANCE!

This entire sequence would be fine if the panel showing Twat Lobo far away from Atrocitus (and, by the way, don't make him charging Atrocitus in that panel when he has long range weapons and the distance he needs) was just expunged from the scene. Just have Atrocitus break through the wall and bite Twat Lobo. No need for a "Big guy got the jump on me again" Narration Box because this is a fucking comic book and the reader sort of already saw that in the visuals. And no need for a "dammit, got too close" Narration Box either because the whole "got the jump on" thing sort of takes precedence. The whole thing comes across as amateurish. And I didn't even bother with the two panels that follow, the first of which shows Twat Lobo punching Atrocitus in the chin and yelling, "Get off!" And then the second one shows Twat Lobo six feet away and charging Atrocitus. Nice spatial work, guys! I can't complain enough about this scene! Plus I'm still angry at Dex-Starr's death.

Just to be clear: the previous complaint wasn't all just about Cullen Bunn. It's also about Frank Barbiere, Robson Rocha, Mike Cotton, and Eddie Berganza.

Twat Lobo manages to stab Atrocitus in the heart and then shoot him into paste.

Zing!

After Twat Lobo destroys Atrocitus, he finds that the Red Lantern Power Battery has disappeared. His entire goal was to destroy it so what does The Code say? It says he can shrug and go back to Sinestro having not finished the job, apparently.

The issue ends with the Rage Mother vomiting up all of the Red Lanterns that Twat Lobo killed, including Dex-Starr and Atrocitus. Well, I guess Cullen Bunn didn't get the go ahead to kill the characters. So this bullshit ending had to be tacked on which means that nothing actually happened during this issue. Great. Can I have my money back then?

Twat Lobo #11 Rating: -5 Ranking. Fuck you, Cullen Bunn. Fuck you, Robson Rocha. Fuck you, Mike Cotton. Fuck you five times or more, Eddie Berganza. The only person I'm leaving off the hook for this toxic waste dump of an issue is Ruy Jose because he just traced the bullshit that came out of Rocha's pencils. At least Cullen Bunn finally got me to feel something for one of his issues. I was fucking pissed that he killed Dex-Starr. But you know what? I'm pissed even more by the ending that erased the entire fucking issue! My guess is Cullen Bunn turned in the issue and Mike or Eddie was all, "You can't kill Dex-Starr and Atrocitus after all. I know we discussed it and even jerked each other off while planning it but I just got a memo that we can't do it." So Cullen picked up a Post-It Note and scribbled the ending where a new character named Rage Mother vomits everybody back into existence. Bam! Send it to the printer! I might be wrong. But if I am? It's even fucking worse if this was the plan from the start! This issue was an insult to comic book fans. Luckily not many comic book fans were probably insulted by it because who is actually purchasing and reading this shit, amirite?!

Red Lanterns #34

If only one Red Lantern will survive, I hope it's Dex-Starr.

I don't think I was very successful in my attempt at brevity while doing my Harley Quinn #10 commentary. I'll just have to redouble my efforts with Red Lanterns #34! Or halve my efforts? Whichever one is briefier!

Last issue (which was the Annual because DC heard the fans resounding yell of "More Essential Annuals!" and made it happen. Unless they just hallucinated the fans yelling that which seems more probable actually), a whole mess of Earthlings became Red Lanterns and joined Atrocitus's army. Now Guy Gardner (with the help of Supergirl and a handful of his own Reds) must stop them without killing anybody. I don't think that's going to be possible. He might as well just start out killing for the greater good.

Guy plans on making a last stand on Ysmault while Rankorr, Skallox, and The Shadow Thief (now a Red Lantern as well) hide out on Styge Prime. Is Atrocitus really needed as a main character in Red Lanterns? I mean, I understand he's the whole reason the Red Lanterns exist. But now the team has Guy Gardner! I think it's time for Atrocitus to just lay down and die and let Dex-Starr eat him. Then Dex can kind of hang around Ysmault accepting handouts but not really wanting anybody to touch or look at him too much. Until after a few months of this kind of hard to get lifestyle, he'll eventually allow Bleez or Guy to give him a little scratch behind the ears. But after a few seconds, he'll hiss and run off. It'll take another few months before he begins rubbing on legs and enjoying the company of the other Reds. And then I never have to read another story with that whining, pseudo-philosophical asshole Atrocitus!

Now if this were a Hollywood movie, they'd realize that their irritation of the other's personality was actually love, somehow. Then they'd fuck.

I think that's the plot of all Hollywood romances. Two people are irritated by each other. The two people are too lazy to find somebody that they actually get along with and like. The two people fuck. The two people spend the rest of the movie pretending that they're going to spend the rest of their lives together. The movie ends before either one can come to their senses, leaving the audience believing in true love! Also in the belief that if somebody doesn't like you, you have to just keep bothering them until they finally get naked with you.

Guy Gardner truly thinks Atrocitus is going to slaughter him and Bleez so he gives his last words to John Stewart. His last words are all about making Hal Jordan feel better. I hope you're happy, Hal Jordan! Everything always has to be all about you, doesn't it? Guy should have said, with a smirk, that Hal is to blame for Guy's upcoming death. Let Hal choke on that one for awhile.

Rankorr, Skallox, and Shadow Thief arrive just in time to stop Guy and Bleez from being overwhelmed. If Atrocitus was just about to slaughter two Red Lanterns, why would three Red Lanterns be able to rescue the other two?

Whoops. Make that two Red Lanterns to rescue the other two.

So now Skallox and Zilius Zox are dead. I'm sensing a pattern! Good thing Guy's last name isn't Gardnerox.

Yeah! No fair! He's not Dex-Starrox!

I'm sure Dex-Starr is going to be all right. Charles Soule can't kill a cat. Although he is a lawyer and I've heard lawyers have no souls or hearts or feelings or emotions or anything. I've never met a lawyer in my life so I don't know if there is any truth to the rumors. But I do tend to believe things that I want to believe, so that's really all the veracity I need.

Judge Red, who was probably a lawyer before becoming a Judge, has finally reached a verdict concerning Guy Gardner. I guess this was one of those non-jury trials that are probably decided by back room cash hand outs. Luckily, Guy is judged not guilty. But Judge Red judges herself as guilty and explodes. Fucking lunatic. She also takes all the humans with her. Not to the Realm of the Dead! To the Realm of the Probably Comatose and, Quite Possibly, Worse. Guy gathers them all up so he can figure out a way to get the rings off of them without killing him. I suppose he either has to stick them in the sun or convince Saint Walker to come out of retirement.

And then Guy Gardner battles Atrocitus. Not like a normal comic book where two characters punch each other until the one that punches the best wins. No, Guy battles Atrocitus in a Charles Souleian manner.

What kind of comic books did Charles Soule read that he now thinks this kind of confrontation is acceptable?! Where are all the punches?!

Look. I've read a lot of comic books in my time. I've read a lot of Guy Gardner comic books in my time as well. And there's always been something about Guy that I really love, especially when a writer gets it right and doesn't just portray him as an egotistical asshole that has to be in charge. Charles Soule gets Guy. He gets that Guy wants to do good. He gets that Guy needs approval and it hurts deeply when he doesn't get it. Guy wants to be recognized. That's why the Guardians knew they could manipulate him by promoting him to, what was it, Captain of the Everything or something. Anyway, Guy wants to be the best person he can be but he's got some anger issues that he's never been able to deal with very well. And now when Guy gives up the Red Ring, he's doing it because he knows the ring will choose him again. And seeing the ring choose him again, seeing ten rings choose him because of the anger he has, at the world, at his father, at himself...that fucking hurts to read.

This motherfucker is in some serious emotional pain.

Earlier I made that facetious comment about Guy's last words when I said they were all about Hal. The part of that I liked which I didn't mention because it didn't fit in with my rant about Hal being a jerko was when Guy admitted that he probably wasn't the best Green Lantern simply because he needed to be recognized as the best so badly. Everybody in the DC Universe has daddy issues but I like to see them manifest in intelligent and realistic ways. Like a guy needing his father's love so badly that he becomes the leader of an angry alien police force to prove to some other guy leading another cosmic police force that he can do the job too. It doesn't get more realistic than that.

Anygarden, Guy removes the Red Rings from all the Earthlings and Atrocitus and Dex-Starr and Atrocitus's Reds without anybody dying. He uses the rings to restore the Red Lantern Battery and the Blood Ocean. And then he gives the Red Lantern Corps to Rankorr. As for Guy, he returns to Earth wearing the Red Ring on a chain around his neck. Is it time to be Warrior again?!

Red Lanterns #34 Rating: +2 Ranking. Well, Mogo is getting more prisoners! I wonder if Mogo has any ethical issues with becoming a prison planet for the Green Lanterns. I don't really know what direction this book is going to go after all this. Will it follow Guy Gardner a bit on Earth? Or is it going to become a romance with Rankorr and Bleez honeymooning all over the place while they vomit lava on bad guys' faces? And what's going to become of Shadow Thief?! Or is it Shadow-Thief? Once she takes a dip in the Blood Ocean, she's really going to hate what she's become. But most of all, what is going to happen to Dex-Starr now that he's free of the Red Ring? I hope he becomes Mogo's best friend. Maybe Dex and Mogo will tame each other!

Red Lanterns #31

Because Guy Gardner gets pants. #YesAllWomen

Judge Red is on the loose and I think she needs a theme song. But the only theme song bouncing around in my head is from What's Happening and it doesn't have any lyrics. And since I can't parody music without being able to change "love" into "drugs" and "you" into "Jew", I'll just have to let the What's Happening? theme song stand on its own as the song playing in my head whenever Judge Red appears on the page. Hopefully you'll enjoy that experience now as well!

In the last issue of Supergirl, Atrocitus and Dex-Starr were about to convince Judge Red that they were the coolest gang in the universe and that the other gang of Reds were total putzes. Supergirl had gone off to fetch her tub of blood in the hopes that a nice long soak would make Judge Red less insane. We now continue with "I am the Law Unless That Title Will Get Us Sued and Then the Story Should Just Be Called 'Law. I Am It.'"

This issue begins with Judge Red judging Atrocitus which Dex-Starr does not care for.

If my cats could make constructs, I'm fairly certain I'd wake with this on my face every morning.

Cats are tiny and fuzzy and adorable and we outweigh them by hundreds of pounds and yet I still laugh every time I see somebody shopping for only cat food at three in the morning. If these fuckers had power rings, humans would be done for.

While Atrocitus thinks telling Judge Red that he made her and thus she owes him everything is a good approach to winning her over, Supergirl informs Guy Gardner that she has a plan. But she doesn't have time to tell Guy the plan because fuck Guy Gardner and his pants. Guy has more material in his upturned collar than Supergirl and Bleez have in their outfits put together! I do like that Supergirl has a mask though because it's adorable. Although Bleez has one to. Why do female Red Lanterns have to hide their faces?

Supergirl's plan is to rip the back storeroom full of Blood Lake Blood out of the Kaalvar Interplanetary Bar and rip it open over Judge Red's head. I know that in previous issues, Red Lanterns were submerged for fairly decent periods of time before they had their sanity restored. I'm not sure how effective raining blood down upon Judge Red's head will be. Or what kind of side effects the blood will have on everybody else it lands on.

Luckily Supergirl will never have to find out how many lives the Blood ruins. The opposite of luckily, Atrocitus now has a bar storeroom full of a substance that he can draw immense power from. Although Judge Red already took a few hits from the blood before Atrocitus began controlling it. So hopefully she's currently becoming sane enough to realize the cute little kitty is more evil than the adorable Kryptonian bum.

As long as Atrocitus can't suddenly make Kryptonite, I think Kara has this.

When Gardner saw Atrocitus controlling the blood, his first suggestion was to retreat. Now when Atrocitus sees Supergirl set fire to the Blood Ocean causing a huge bloody firestorm tornado cyclone swirly thing, his first suggestion is to retreat. These fucking Red Lanterns have got no spines! They can dish the angry holier than thou righteous fury but they can't sit down and enjoy a plate of it served up from somebody else! There must be an easier way to say that.

Look at that! Another person who can't enjoy a three course meal of her favorite dish, Hitting People in the Face.

I wonder what Twat Lobo is up to right now?

Skallox comes through with a little Blood Magic of his own and with the help of holding hands, he puts out the fire and sends the blood back up into the sky and somewhere else. Maybe it's back on board the Kaalvar Bar and Grill. After that disaster is averted, Guy Gardner comes up with a new plan. It's one of Superman's favorite plans.

Batman likes this plan a lot too.

Before Charles Soule can prove he can write a decent fight scene, Atrocitus mentions Rankorr's name and things devolve into conversation. Again! Fuck! Can't this Soule do any real comic book writing? Why doesn't anybody fight in his comic books?! What a hack!

Anyway, Atrocitus offers to trade Rankorr for Judge Red without any fighting at all. And Guy seriously considers negotiating with this monster. But Judge Red interrupts with some sane words. She feels she knows what Atrocitus wants and now she must learn what Gardner wants. So she, of her own volition, chooses to stay with Supergirl's Bum. The Cat and the Teeth decide to take their leave.

At least Rankorr will still be more useful alive than dead after this confrontation.

Guy's next plan is to rescue Rankorr. That's why Rankorr is still useful! As bait for the trap!

Red Lanterns #31 Rating: +2 Ranking. How did this become the best Lantern book?! Although I say that as somebody who has never liked Hal Jordan because he always reminded me of the popular kids in high school that would treat me kindly and not make fun of me at all and just go about living their own lives while not hurting or humiliating anybody else. The self-righteous jerk!

Red Lanterns #30

Dex-Starr should be the most powerful creature in the universe. I can't think of anything I'd want to piss off less than an angry, stray tomcat. And this one vomits lava and has a Red Lantern ring.

I guess everything in my life and everything in the world is perfect because I can't think of anything to bitch about. Hallelujah! Praise Allah/God/Yahweh/Ganeesha/Odin/Zeus/Buddha/Me!

So last issue, Bleez had just face-planted into Ysmault. From orbit. So she's all kinds of fucked up. But she was able to warn the other Red Lanterns that Atrocitus was behind her fall from grace. I mean space. Good thing the Red Lanterns have Supergirl on their team now! Although Guy Gardner has already beaten the shit out of Atrocitus once. Why is everybody so scared? Why is everyone so frightened? Why is every one of them terrified?

To explain why I just typed that last sentence three separate ways would be to describe the last five minutes of my life in excruciatingly boring detail. And since I'm simply not going to assume that everybody (or everyone (or every one of you)) wants to experience the peaks and valleys of my interminable existence, I shall leave it at this paragraph and be done with it.

This issue begins detailing the daily life of the Judge Judy and Burt the Bailiff of the planet Primeen.

This issue begins with Charles Soule writing more legal shit. Doesn't he get that out of his system over in She-Hulk? He's also writing about the incredibly boring legal process in Swamp Thing as well! Hey Charles Soule! Not everybody is interested in the excruciatingly boring details of your legal career! Write about when you were living on the highways of America, getting your money and your meals as a lot lizard! Writing poems on the streets for change in downtowns all across the states! Write about that time you fell in love with an elephant at the Portland Zoo, snuck in after closing, and fucked it in the ass! Only to realize afterward that it was the wrong elephant and the one you loved was watching from twenty feet away with a tear in its eye? No, you'd probably rather write about the legal process that you went through after getting caught banging elephants, right?! Boring!

It turns out that whatever Charles Soule writes about is interesting (as if we all didn't already know that). Judge Sheko realizes, year after year, until she's wrinkled and grey and yellower, that justice means nothing on Primeen. The judge has no power but to judge according to the wealth and power of the accused. Her job is nothing but ritual and tradition devoid of any true justice. Primeen may well have placed a goldfish on the judge's bench and the system would not have been bothered at all. Except that a goldfish can't bang a gavel, so how would anybody know when any case was over?

The King is not happy with this injustice!

Sheko's bailiff isn't as loyal as Burt is to Judge Judy, so instead of shooting the Prince, he turns and shoots Sheko. And that is the end of justice on Primeen! I suppose this story will relate to the Atrocitus getting vengeance on his old partners somewhere down the line. Probably having something to do with this story being called "Judgment Day" or something! Sheko is probably pretty pissed off about all this injustice and shit. But for now, let us return to Ysmault where Bleez eats Jello in her hospital bed.

Bleez wants to go rescue Rankorr but Guy Gardner wants to search for the seven Red Rings and the hosts they may have found. But since Guy Gardner made it clear that the Reds have no leader, Bleez tells Gardner to fuck off. She's going to do what she wants. Seems like a stupid idea to me. Rankorr stayed behind so she'd have a chance to warn the others. But just warning them and then going back to die makes it seem like she hasn't thought this through very well. I think she has a concussion from slamming her face into Ysmault. But then Bleez meets Supergirl and decides to stay and do her nails with her. And by "decides", I mean realizes that she can't get past a Kryptonian since she doesn't happen to have any Kryptonite on her, so she gets back in bed to answer Kara's questions.

But first, a new Red Lantern is born!

Meet your newest Red Lantern, Lantern Judge Judy of Primeen!

Sheko seems pretty coherent for a brand new Red Lantern. Maybe it's because she's older and wiser than most people that attain a Red Ring. Or perhaps it's just that her rage, focused like a laser on righting the wrongs of a terribly unjust legal system, is easily controlled and directed. Personally, I suspect it has something to do with becoming a Red Lantern while submerged in the waters of the Water Court acting much like the Blood Lake on Ysmault. She's granted a kind of clarity that even the other Red Lanterns won't have because she regained her sentience by a different means.

Judge Red Lantern finds everybody in the Water Court guilty and sentences them all to become puddles of blood. Whose team will she wind up on?!

Zilius Zox fixes up the Red Lantern Bar (which is also a ship) so it has the capability to hunt down the seven new Red Lanterns being created. They locate one in Sector 775 and it seems to be one of the most powerful Red Lanterns they've ever encountered. I wonder if they'll refer to her as Judge Red? I'd smell a possible lawsuit forming but I'm sure Charles Soule has taken every precaution under the law to distance himself from the fact that he's just recreated Judge Dredd. Damn it feels good to be a lawya!

The Red Lanterns immediately head out to catch this new Red because they've gotta catch 'em all. They also brought a big vat of blood from the Blood Lake to dunk the new recruit in to make her sane. Looks like they're in for a big surprise! Let's hope none of these Reds are guilty of anything!

As Guy and the others descend on Primeen, Charles Soule, once again, shows just how much violence a comic book needs without wasting six pages on a battle that doesn't fucking matter. He gets the necessary amount out of the way before getting right back to writing. Don't worry! He's new and enjoying the act of writing tons of comic books a month. Pretty soon he'll realize he can make just as much money by writing "five pages of battle" on a script as he does writing five pages of dialogue.

I actually hope that day never comes but, well, I don't trust anybody when it comes to, well, anything, really.

Here, Soule writes Guy Gardner how people should be writing Superman. Why the fuck does Superman constantly get pulled into battles when he's fucking invulnerable? This should be every scene with Superman? Antagonists: "POW POW POW!" Superman, yawning: "Are you done yet?"

Atrocitus and Dex-Starr have only just arrived. They have yet to make contact with Judge Red, so Guy and his gang aren't completely out of the running yet! Next chapter will be the fight to convince Judge Red which team is least guilty.

Red Lanterns #30 Rating: +2 Ranking. How many times do I have to stick my tongue up Charles Soule's ass? This fucker can write. If you see his name on a book, just pick it up because it's good. I'll simply end this with a picture of my boots because as I took a break to go get some iced tea while reading this, I realized I basically wear Red Lantern boots.

You can't see the shoelaces very clearly. The pattern on them is a pink star followed by a skull and crossbones with a little pink bow on the skull.

Red Lanterns #27

Yes! Fuck that slut's brains out, Ice!

I just finished reading my commentary of Red Lanterns #26 where I speculate who might get Ratchet's Red Ring. Last month, I settled on it probably going to a gerbil. But now that all the advertisements for the Green Lantern/Red Lanterns Double Backed Flip Book Extraordinaire have spoiled it for me, I know it's going to go to Supergirl. Which also explains why Doctor Veritas the Omniologist couldn't stop commenting on how angry Kara was. LeGrouch was trying to drop clues as to the ring's new bearer by saying it will go to a blonde with a nice butt although that just made me think Booster Gold was going to get it. That probably won't happen until the end of this issue though, so I'm getting ahead of myself. I can't wait to see how Guy and Tora's first date in a long time goes. I wonder if Black Hand will be there again?

The Red Lanterns have a bit of downtime now that they've just saved an entire race of enslaved beings. Those beings have come to Ysmault to carve huge statues honoring the Red Lanterns. But they're going to need a new statue soon because Ratchet's ring is out there looking for a new finger (remember! It's going to be Supergirl's finger!). Bleez thinks the new Red Lantern might need a little bit of help, so she organizes a Welcome to the Fucking Club party.

Rankorr is going to be so disappointed with this trip. Maybe if he's lucky, they can stop at Andersen's for some Split Pea Soup.

Rankorr declares he's going to find out "ten secrets of the universe" as he and Bleez head off on their trip. Like where does poetry come from? And why is his head on fire? And how come Bleez is the only Red Lantern whose suit decided to go full g-string? Those are all the secrets of the universe that I can come up with.

Guy decides to take a trip to Earth (where he'll probably run into Bleez and Rankorr!) and he invites Skallox and Zilius Zox along with him. So prepare to be terrified, Earthlings!

I guess in a Teen Plus comic book, you can refer to yourself as a penis. I guess if Catwoman can toss around double-headed dildos, Rankorr calling himself a bell-end is mild in comparison. Not that I have a problem with any of it! I'm just constantly aware of how stodgy and easily offended the American People are. Why should I expect anything more from a culture that has grown-ass people actually refusing to say certain words when having normal discussions about them. You know, when you're discussing the negative connotations of a word like "nigger" or "retard," you don't have to couch them in "n-word" and "r-word." We are adults. We can survive hearing those words. It's how these words might be used that should cause anger or offense, not simply hearing the fucking things.

Guy arrives at Earth and quickly ditches Skallox and Zilius Zox. He does give them directions for a walking tour of the best places to see on Earth. I don't know where Guy would send them. Pyramids? Um. Pyramids? It doesn't really matter though because Zox has his own agenda. There's something he's dying to find out. I think he's going to get Skallox in trouble.

Gardner arrives first in Baltimore, his home, but that must be to throw off Zox and Skallox because he didn't really want them hanging around anyway since his main point in visiting is to see Tora Olafsdotter. Ice.

Come on, Tora! Give in! He's a charmer! I mean, he's not. But I like him and I like you so fuckity fuck already.

Speaking of ice and snow, I had a big winter adventure here in Portland yesterday! My work vehicle was in the shop and I got the call to pick it up at two in the afternoon. Just as a dusting of snow was beginning to cover the streets. So the Non-Certified Spouse took me to pick it up. It took an hour to get there and two hours to get back. Because of the snowstorm and the slow, slow, horrendously slow traffic that it caused. I love the snow but hate traffic. Anyway, the cars are home and parked nicely and today Portland expects more snow, so I'll be heading out in it later. On foot. I have to pick up a copy of Ms. Marvel #1 at the comic shop and find a place to eat where I can look out of a window at the snow. Also this morning, I headed out to get some coffee. I was the first to walk down the driveway this morning and this is what I saw:

Either a Raccoon came by or a Sumatran Rat Monkey is on the loose.

The tracks were right beneath my neighor's kitchen window and he was there making breakfast or something. So he probably heard me squeal in delight as I came upon the raccoon footprints. Here's another shot of more of the raccoon's trail in the backyard.

I couldn't tell what creature had made the prints in the foreground of this picture because the snow was so deep.

Anyway, back to Guy and Tora's first meeting in quite a long time. I like that Ice is not happy about the fucking cold puns. That has got to get old. I, myself, get tired of all the mentions of my fabulous lovemaking whenever I go home for the holidays. Knock it off, cousin! You're embarrassing me!

Meanwhile, Skallox and Zilius are finding their tour of the world boring. They give up just before they're about to check out Las Vegas! Which could be fun. Maybe. Probably not since they know nothing of drinking earth booze and gambling and all you can eat buffets. And they probably wouldn't be allowed in any casinos, so what would they do there? Neon Sign Graveyard? Anyway, it doesn't matter since they're eventually approached by Shadow Thief. She's not very big on aliens on her planet, so this might wind up in that fight Zilius was looking forward to.

Best moment of Red Lanterns so far? Unless Dex-Starr and Midnighter's battle took place in this comic instead of Stormwatch. Then this is the second best moment.

For some reason, the question enrages Shadow Thief. Perhaps in Israel, it's bad form to mention testicles. Especially when the creature mentioning them looks like a gigantic one with lots of teeth. So the battle begins because Shadow Thief threw the first punch and Guy's only rule was that they couldn't throw the first punch. You know, the rule that Supergirl completely fucking ignores!

Guy has to go deal with Skallox and Zox's fuck up, but he invites Ice along to watch and see how he's changed. He will solve a problem without punching it in the face! He will use words! And good words! Not bad words! He will show Gus Tora that words can be used for good! Good words for good! Not bad words for bad!

Meanwhile in space, Ratchet's ring has not yet found Supergirl's fantastic bum. Instead, it found a fish thing. And that fish thing was found by some other guys you might recognize.

Whoops!

Red Lanterns #27 Rating: +2 Ranking. Some great moments in this issue. Charles Soule is doing a good job with pacing this comic. I like the beats. I like the interactions. I likey like like. Maybe you likey like like too?

Red Lanterns #25

Really? Hal is giving The Red Lanterns Sector 2814 to patrol? What a dick.

The issue begins with Itro the Megamonster destroying Downtown Goswam on Shoum. Itro has become a Red Lantern because every other member of Itro's species was killed by the people of Shoum. The people of Shoum insist they had to do it to save themselves because Itro's megamonster people were using up all the resources and they were too large to fit in any of the buildings where the Global Summits were held. But the Narration boxes giving the two halves of the story are trying to clue me in that the real problem isn't as black and white as either side might think. That's too bad for them because now the problem resides in that bloody, violent red area in-between.

Back on Ysmault, Guy Gardner confirms that Hal Jordan doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself and how much glory he can obtain.

I have a feeling Hal is actually going to have a problem with this. They never did actually discuss which Sector the Reds would get.

Guy gives Rankorr a quick tutorial about Space Sectors and the Guardians and how the Green Lanterns can't screw with Earth now. Somebody had better tell Simon Baz about this deal before the Reds find out about him. Guy points out how one third of the Red Lanterns are from Earth which means all the other Red Lanterns must be dead. It's just Guy, Rankorr, Bleez, Skallox, Ratchet, and Zilius Zox. Rankorr points out that there used to be another member from Earth: Dex-Starr. Skallox points out that Gardner had better hope Dex-Starr never comes back because that cat is going to be super pissed.

Guy, Guy, Guy. Cats are the best pukers in the universe. And now you've made enemies with one that pukes lava.

Meanwhile out in Sector 1107, Dex-Starr and Atrocitus are hunting for one of the Red Rings that Atrocitus sent out to find new recruits. It looks like they've found the one that chose Itro. Now they just have to wrest it from his humongous fingers.

The Red Lanterns decide that they need to make a big debut to get everybody's attention in Sector 2814. So they decide to take out an evil dictator named Gensui on the planet Kormorax. Even if they manage to defeat this guy, I don't know how that makes a big splash on all the other civilized planets. If they're all as narcissistic as Earth, they'll never even notice! I mean, not that it's Earth's fault that they wouldn't notice. Even if Earthlings weren't completely up their own asses, they still don't have the kind of technology capable of letting them know what the Red Lanterns are up to many light years away. I think eventually they're just going to have to go with a heavy leaflet campaign.

To invade this planet, the Red Lanterns decide to try subterfuge and trickery as opposed to violence and more violence. Rankorr creates an illusion to look like the pirate that used to fly the Red Lanterns' new home because the pirate is good friends with Gensui. The main part of the plan is to kidnap Gensui and then tell Gensui to surrender. The next part of the plan is I don't fucking know. Maybe take him on tour so he can tell everybody how the Red Lanterns defeated him and how they'll defeat you too if you don't behave?

But eventually they realize that Gensui has just been fucking with them because the Pirate Barg (who was last seen thrown into space by Guy Gardner) has been on Kormorax this whole time. So it looks like the trap backfired! Next time, just go with the spraying hot lava vomit on everything.

Red Lanterns #25 Rating: No change. What the fuck do the Red Lanterns think they're doing? Playing Role-playing games? I think Guy is trying to turn them into some kind of Justice League and probably thought this was the kind of plan Batman would come up with, disguising himself as Matches Malone to break some mob woman out of Blackgate Prison or something. But now they're in the middle of a huge army with just the five of them to defend themselves. Luckily Zilius Zox remained on the ship. Or maybe unluckily! He might have been the first one killed! Also, I should remind my future self that Ratchet's ring was trying to slip off of his tentacle this issue but Ratchet pleaded with it not to go yet. Is Ratchet getting soft?!

Red Lanterns #24

What a surprise. Hal's "talk" turns into a fistfight with Guy. And is Guy dual wielding Red Lantern rings?

Being a super hero is like being the drunk asshole forced out of the bar at closing time to suddenly mix with everybody else on the street. Sooner or later, somebody is going to say something that the drunk can use as an excuse to start throwing punches. If real life disagreements or conflicts ended in violence at the same rate as in comic books, we'd all be walking around with black eyes and fat lips. Physically beating somebody to a pulp doesn't mean you've won the argument. It means you've completely failed to counter the other person's argument so you decided to change the battle's weapons from words to fists. I suppose some people think of that as an effective way to resolve problems. Of course, those people are stupid assholes.

This issue begins on Earth.

I mean Ysmault! It's easy to get confused when DC can't even get their space sectors right. Ysmault is in Space Sector 666. A reader pointed out that this information I've been working with (that Ysmault is in Sector 666) is wrong! I was led astray by Red Lanterns #1 which gave me the wrong information. And that was when I was naive and actually trusted everything DC was telling me about their own universe!

In New Guardians #24, the Indigo Lantern planet of Nok was also said to be in Earth's sector of 2814. Since I don't actually know where Nok is located, I didn't mention it because I thought there was a possibility it could be correct. Now I'm not so sure!

Last issue Bleez caught Guy Gardner screaming into his Green Lantern Ring for Hal Jordan to come drag his ass off of the universal dump that is Ysmault. They have a discussion that doesn't involve putting their hands on each other. It's possible that since Red Lanterns know that any physical confrontation will inevitably end in one of the participants being killed, they see violence amongst themselves as a last resort. Whereas with the usual super heroes, they just love to test their limits against each other because they're mostly sure that nobody will die. So what harm is there in seeing if you can get a really good lick in on The Batman? Although Batman won't hesitate to break bones, so heroes should try to avoid poking him with a Batstick.

See? When fighting ends in death, more people resort to talking!

Guy decides to come clean about his real reasons for having come to Ysmault. The other Red Lanterns don't take it so well but whatever they were going to do about it is interrupted by Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps' surprise visit! That probably makes his revelation that he's done with the Green Lantern Corps seem a little less than honest.

Meanwhile in deep space, Atrocity and Dex-starr share a moment.

Oh, how cu...seriously? The Atrocity Butcher? Luckily that name doesn't last long as Kyle Rayner comes along to corral the Butcher.

Back on Ysmault, the Red Lanterns decide to defend their world from the assault by The Green Lanterns. Seems reasonable. But the Green Lanterns don't have much power, so Hal tells them to simply defend themselves while he tries to talk with Guy Gardner. That works out decently enough with Hal suffering only a fat lip before Guy decides to hear him out.

Guy wasn't really making a joke. He was just pointing out how easily he could be killed at any moment by one of the other Red Lanterns. I guess that's just funny to Hal.

What does Guy Gardner want in exchange for helping Hal defeat Relic? The Red Lanterns get their own sector to do with as they see fit. Guy says where they'll be the law but we all know that "the law" means nothing to a bunch of Red Lanterns. Luckily for Hal Jordan, the easiest sector to give them is the one in which Ysmault resides: 666. And that's pretty much a dead sector thanks to The Guardians' Manhunters many, many years ago. So while Hal is selling out a Sector and taking away its protectors (although, seriously, good riddance!), at least it's a sector that doesn't need much protecting. Probably. 2814. Which means Hal really is going to have to sell out some other sector! Unless he just picks 666 because of all that struck out nonsense.

And out on the edge of the Omniverse, Relic is trying to penetrate the Source Wall. He's on his 42nd try with his automatic ramming piston but, once again, he fails to get off. But Kyle and the Bohemian Guardians arrive to help! For some reason, Kyle also wants to now bring down the Source Wall. Perhaps it's to free up the emotional spectrum trapped on the other side? Because right now, the Lanterns need batteries to tap into the power. But once the power is freed, they won't need the stupid batteries anymore! Right? And there will be some other comic book reason that will prove to Relic that his theory about the Lightswitches killing the universe was wrong! I bet he finds out that they were actually helping to maintain the universe by siphoning off power in much the same way that The Flash helps keep the Speed Force under control by using up the excess built-up power.

Red Lanterns #24 Rating: No change. If Guy Gardner is going to remain a Red Lantern, he's going to have to make up with Atrocitus somehow. Or maybe Atrocitus and Dex-Starr will become the villains of Sector 666 Whatever Sector The Red Lanterns Get. Probably not. I have no idea where the Red Lanterns will go from here. But hopefully they'll stop getting dragged into all of the Green Lantern Corps' cosmic crises!

Red Lanterns #23

Come on! I need my Dex-Starr/Midnighter rematch already! Give the cat another chance!

Atrocitus has fully recovered by the time this issue begins because a cat is the best kind of friend you can have. If you collapse with a dog around, the dog will just go, "Throw the ball! Throw the ball! Throw the ball!" And then when you don't throw the ball, the dog will go find somebody else to throw the ball and love that person just as much. Oh, I know you dog lovers are denying the fuck out of that. But it's true! Dogs love everybody! But if you collapse with a cat around, well now you're in for a treat. Actually, the cat is in for a treat because it will eat your face.

But still! Cats are so much better! Sure, they're better in ways that if you don't like cats, you'd see their attributes as flaws. Like my cat Judas, just a few days ago, began jumping up on my printer to kick back while I was napping. Jumping up on my printer makes a lot of noise because the cat's weight also sets off the printer and it starts to make all those printer pre-print noises they make. I hate to get all technical on my readers, but that's what happens. So he wakes me up from my nap and I say, "No! Get down from there!" I get up, gently push him on to the desk where he's allowed to be, and try to go back to sleep. Well, he gets back on two or three more times and I get up to push him off so that he'll learn he's not allowed to go up there.

At least that's what dog people would think an animal has learned. You say no. You show them the correct behaviour. Repeat. Lesson learned. Not for a cat. All Judas has learned is now he knows how to wake up the monkey and get it out of bed when he's hungry. "A-ha! Look at how fast he gets up when I get up on this contraption!" And he files it away for later use when he needs food. Or water. Or a clean litter box. Or some chin scratches. Or if he's feeling too lazy to hop on the bed and see if I'm ready to eat yet, he can now hop on the printer and see if I move.

But because cats are so standoffish and solitary, there's nothing like having one for a best friend. Some cats are brought into homes and the cat just never connects to anybody. He's more like an unemployed roommate or a foreign exchange student. I don't know that a dog has ever moved into a house with a person and not instantly fallen in love with whatever face it saw day after day. It's just happy to be part of the pack and getting to bond. Although there are so many different types of dogs and dog personalities due to human tinkering, any generality said about one type of dog is bound to have nothing in common with other dogs. But they do generally like to bond and chase sticks while cats like to lick their assholes.

The preceding was supposed to somehow explain why Dex-Starr was able to make an artificial heart for Atrocitus to keep Atrocitus alive whereas G'nort would have completely fucked it all up. But I don't think I made my point at all.

In fact, if this scene were realistic, Dex-Starr would be chowing the fuck down right now.

Atrocitus considers taking Dex-Starr's ring but only for a second and only because he really craves the power that will enable him to destroy Guy Gardner. Obviously he would give up many years of his life to keep his buddy Dex-Starr by his side for many, many more. I would happily give up years of my life in exchange for keeping my cat with me for as long as possible. Do they have Life Force Transfusions yet? I bet they have them from person to person but the religious right probably thinks it goes against God to transfer Life Force to animals.

Atrocitus and Dex-Starr travel across space looking for one of the Red Rings that Atrocitus sent out to build up the Red Lantern Army. And Dex-Starr must have created an artificial voice box for himself since he now has some rudimentary speech. Man, I'm glad my cat can't speak. "FEED ME! FEED ME! FEED ME! FEED ME! HAVE YOU FED ME? FEED ME!"

Back on Ysmault, Zilius Zox makes a penis joke.

"How many penises does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Depends on how many vaginas are in there!" I know, I know. That joke is awfully sexist and doesn't take into account the sexual identity of the penises in the joke at all! Well I assure you that every penis in that joke was a heterosexual penis. Or else the answer would have been, "Depends on how many assholes are in there!"

As Guy watches Zilius fix up the ship, he thinks about what the Red Ring is doing to him and how it's already enabled him to kill the Pirate Leader of the ship they stole. He's losing his humanity! And his Green Ring only has 0.003*% charge left on it. If he doesn't charge it soon, he'll become a rage-fueled killing machine and his only hope of ever gaining his humanity back is if Batman can punch him square in the nose. Guy calls up Hal to pull the plug on this entire mission before he becomes a total monster with no Hope at all. And since the only Hope left is Saint Walker, he might be in a bit of trouble.

Back on Styge Prime where Dex-Starr and Atrocitus have tracked some Red Energy, they discover Skallox's old boss has a secret.

Think up your own fucking Red Bull joke.

I suppose The Butcher is the Red Lantern Mascot that is supposed to live inside the Power Battery on Ysmault? It just wants to get away so it can go die in peace! Atrocitus approaches it and sticks his hand into its face and subsumes its power. Or something. Whatever happens, Atrocitus becomes vaguely bull-shaped in a Satyr-like way and immensely powerful. I suppose he's ingested or become possessed by The Butcher but having no previous knowledge of the Lantern Corps Mascots or the things they can do, I'm just not sure. Oh! Unless it's like how Hal Jordan became Parallax and Kyle Rayner became Ion! Well now Atrocitus has become The Butcher! Although it really can't last for very long since all the mascots are on their last legs and trying desperately to return to the Lantern Corps Graveyard for a forever nap.

Anyway, now Atrocitus is ready to go smash Guy Gardner's stupid face in.

I probably shouldn't use stupid so much. It's probably an ablest word that intelligent people use to perpetuate a kind of intellectual warfare amongst those who can think rationally and those that find Wheel of Fortune the height of brainteasers.

Back on Ysmault, Guy Gardner finds out from Hal Jordan via his Ring's Skype function that the Blue Lanterns have been destroyed and Guy Gardner is in big trouble. And since Bleez wasn't in this issue at all, it's no surprise when she turns up having heard Guy speaking with Hal. Now he's going to have to promise to give her his blood so she can make constructs or else she'll tell everybody else that he's a Green Lantern plant! Or maybe she'll just try to kill him. Except she's too smart for that; how could she kill the man who "killed" Atrocitus, right? She'll probably just seduce him. I think they'd make a great couple.

Red Lanterns #23 Rating: No change. I enjoyed this issue but nowhere near as much as last issue. I also read it quickly (as well as the previous five or so comics!) because I just wanted to catch up and read Forever Evil. Which is next on my stack! Yay!