Red Lanterns #34

If only one Red Lantern will survive, I hope it's Dex-Starr.

I don't think I was very successful in my attempt at brevity while doing my Harley Quinn #10 commentary. I'll just have to redouble my efforts with Red Lanterns #34! Or halve my efforts? Whichever one is briefier!

Last issue (which was the Annual because DC heard the fans resounding yell of "More Essential Annuals!" and made it happen. Unless they just hallucinated the fans yelling that which seems more probable actually), a whole mess of Earthlings became Red Lanterns and joined Atrocitus's army. Now Guy Gardner (with the help of Supergirl and a handful of his own Reds) must stop them without killing anybody. I don't think that's going to be possible. He might as well just start out killing for the greater good.

Guy plans on making a last stand on Ysmault while Rankorr, Skallox, and The Shadow Thief (now a Red Lantern as well) hide out on Styge Prime. Is Atrocitus really needed as a main character in Red Lanterns? I mean, I understand he's the whole reason the Red Lanterns exist. But now the team has Guy Gardner! I think it's time for Atrocitus to just lay down and die and let Dex-Starr eat him. Then Dex can kind of hang around Ysmault accepting handouts but not really wanting anybody to touch or look at him too much. Until after a few months of this kind of hard to get lifestyle, he'll eventually allow Bleez or Guy to give him a little scratch behind the ears. But after a few seconds, he'll hiss and run off. It'll take another few months before he begins rubbing on legs and enjoying the company of the other Reds. And then I never have to read another story with that whining, pseudo-philosophical asshole Atrocitus!

Now if this were a Hollywood movie, they'd realize that their irritation of the other's personality was actually love, somehow. Then they'd fuck.

I think that's the plot of all Hollywood romances. Two people are irritated by each other. The two people are too lazy to find somebody that they actually get along with and like. The two people fuck. The two people spend the rest of the movie pretending that they're going to spend the rest of their lives together. The movie ends before either one can come to their senses, leaving the audience believing in true love! Also in the belief that if somebody doesn't like you, you have to just keep bothering them until they finally get naked with you.

Guy Gardner truly thinks Atrocitus is going to slaughter him and Bleez so he gives his last words to John Stewart. His last words are all about making Hal Jordan feel better. I hope you're happy, Hal Jordan! Everything always has to be all about you, doesn't it? Guy should have said, with a smirk, that Hal is to blame for Guy's upcoming death. Let Hal choke on that one for awhile.

Rankorr, Skallox, and Shadow Thief arrive just in time to stop Guy and Bleez from being overwhelmed. If Atrocitus was just about to slaughter two Red Lanterns, why would three Red Lanterns be able to rescue the other two?

Whoops. Make that two Red Lanterns to rescue the other two.

So now Skallox and Zilius Zox are dead. I'm sensing a pattern! Good thing Guy's last name isn't Gardnerox.

Yeah! No fair! He's not Dex-Starrox!

I'm sure Dex-Starr is going to be all right. Charles Soule can't kill a cat. Although he is a lawyer and I've heard lawyers have no souls or hearts or feelings or emotions or anything. I've never met a lawyer in my life so I don't know if there is any truth to the rumors. But I do tend to believe things that I want to believe, so that's really all the veracity I need.

Judge Red, who was probably a lawyer before becoming a Judge, has finally reached a verdict concerning Guy Gardner. I guess this was one of those non-jury trials that are probably decided by back room cash hand outs. Luckily, Guy is judged not guilty. But Judge Red judges herself as guilty and explodes. Fucking lunatic. She also takes all the humans with her. Not to the Realm of the Dead! To the Realm of the Probably Comatose and, Quite Possibly, Worse. Guy gathers them all up so he can figure out a way to get the rings off of them without killing him. I suppose he either has to stick them in the sun or convince Saint Walker to come out of retirement.

And then Guy Gardner battles Atrocitus. Not like a normal comic book where two characters punch each other until the one that punches the best wins. No, Guy battles Atrocitus in a Charles Souleian manner.

What kind of comic books did Charles Soule read that he now thinks this kind of confrontation is acceptable?! Where are all the punches?!

Look. I've read a lot of comic books in my time. I've read a lot of Guy Gardner comic books in my time as well. And there's always been something about Guy that I really love, especially when a writer gets it right and doesn't just portray him as an egotistical asshole that has to be in charge. Charles Soule gets Guy. He gets that Guy wants to do good. He gets that Guy needs approval and it hurts deeply when he doesn't get it. Guy wants to be recognized. That's why the Guardians knew they could manipulate him by promoting him to, what was it, Captain of the Everything or something. Anyway, Guy wants to be the best person he can be but he's got some anger issues that he's never been able to deal with very well. And now when Guy gives up the Red Ring, he's doing it because he knows the ring will choose him again. And seeing the ring choose him again, seeing ten rings choose him because of the anger he has, at the world, at his father, at himself...that fucking hurts to read.

This motherfucker is in some serious emotional pain.

Earlier I made that facetious comment about Guy's last words when I said they were all about Hal. The part of that I liked which I didn't mention because it didn't fit in with my rant about Hal being a jerko was when Guy admitted that he probably wasn't the best Green Lantern simply because he needed to be recognized as the best so badly. Everybody in the DC Universe has daddy issues but I like to see them manifest in intelligent and realistic ways. Like a guy needing his father's love so badly that he becomes the leader of an angry alien police force to prove to some other guy leading another cosmic police force that he can do the job too. It doesn't get more realistic than that.

Anygarden, Guy removes the Red Rings from all the Earthlings and Atrocitus and Dex-Starr and Atrocitus's Reds without anybody dying. He uses the rings to restore the Red Lantern Battery and the Blood Ocean. And then he gives the Red Lantern Corps to Rankorr. As for Guy, he returns to Earth wearing the Red Ring on a chain around his neck. Is it time to be Warrior again?!

Red Lanterns #34 Rating: +2 Ranking. Well, Mogo is getting more prisoners! I wonder if Mogo has any ethical issues with becoming a prison planet for the Green Lanterns. I don't really know what direction this book is going to go after all this. Will it follow Guy Gardner a bit on Earth? Or is it going to become a romance with Rankorr and Bleez honeymooning all over the place while they vomit lava on bad guys' faces? And what's going to become of Shadow Thief?! Or is it Shadow-Thief? Once she takes a dip in the Blood Ocean, she's really going to hate what she's become. But most of all, what is going to happen to Dex-Starr now that he's free of the Red Ring? I hope he becomes Mogo's best friend. Maybe Dex and Mogo will tame each other!

Red Lanterns #31

Because Guy Gardner gets pants. #YesAllWomen

Judge Red is on the loose and I think she needs a theme song. But the only theme song bouncing around in my head is from What's Happening and it doesn't have any lyrics. And since I can't parody music without being able to change "love" into "drugs" and "you" into "Jew", I'll just have to let the What's Happening? theme song stand on its own as the song playing in my head whenever Judge Red appears on the page. Hopefully you'll enjoy that experience now as well!

In the last issue of Supergirl, Atrocitus and Dex-Starr were about to convince Judge Red that they were the coolest gang in the universe and that the other gang of Reds were total putzes. Supergirl had gone off to fetch her tub of blood in the hopes that a nice long soak would make Judge Red less insane. We now continue with "I am the Law Unless That Title Will Get Us Sued and Then the Story Should Just Be Called 'Law. I Am It.'"

This issue begins with Judge Red judging Atrocitus which Dex-Starr does not care for.

If my cats could make constructs, I'm fairly certain I'd wake with this on my face every morning.

Cats are tiny and fuzzy and adorable and we outweigh them by hundreds of pounds and yet I still laugh every time I see somebody shopping for only cat food at three in the morning. If these fuckers had power rings, humans would be done for.

While Atrocitus thinks telling Judge Red that he made her and thus she owes him everything is a good approach to winning her over, Supergirl informs Guy Gardner that she has a plan. But she doesn't have time to tell Guy the plan because fuck Guy Gardner and his pants. Guy has more material in his upturned collar than Supergirl and Bleez have in their outfits put together! I do like that Supergirl has a mask though because it's adorable. Although Bleez has one to. Why do female Red Lanterns have to hide their faces?

Supergirl's plan is to rip the back storeroom full of Blood Lake Blood out of the Kaalvar Interplanetary Bar and rip it open over Judge Red's head. I know that in previous issues, Red Lanterns were submerged for fairly decent periods of time before they had their sanity restored. I'm not sure how effective raining blood down upon Judge Red's head will be. Or what kind of side effects the blood will have on everybody else it lands on.

Luckily Supergirl will never have to find out how many lives the Blood ruins. The opposite of luckily, Atrocitus now has a bar storeroom full of a substance that he can draw immense power from. Although Judge Red already took a few hits from the blood before Atrocitus began controlling it. So hopefully she's currently becoming sane enough to realize the cute little kitty is more evil than the adorable Kryptonian bum.

As long as Atrocitus can't suddenly make Kryptonite, I think Kara has this.

When Gardner saw Atrocitus controlling the blood, his first suggestion was to retreat. Now when Atrocitus sees Supergirl set fire to the Blood Ocean causing a huge bloody firestorm tornado cyclone swirly thing, his first suggestion is to retreat. These fucking Red Lanterns have got no spines! They can dish the angry holier than thou righteous fury but they can't sit down and enjoy a plate of it served up from somebody else! There must be an easier way to say that.

Look at that! Another person who can't enjoy a three course meal of her favorite dish, Hitting People in the Face.

I wonder what Twat Lobo is up to right now?

Skallox comes through with a little Blood Magic of his own and with the help of holding hands, he puts out the fire and sends the blood back up into the sky and somewhere else. Maybe it's back on board the Kaalvar Bar and Grill. After that disaster is averted, Guy Gardner comes up with a new plan. It's one of Superman's favorite plans.

Batman likes this plan a lot too.

Before Charles Soule can prove he can write a decent fight scene, Atrocitus mentions Rankorr's name and things devolve into conversation. Again! Fuck! Can't this Soule do any real comic book writing? Why doesn't anybody fight in his comic books?! What a hack!

Anyway, Atrocitus offers to trade Rankorr for Judge Red without any fighting at all. And Guy seriously considers negotiating with this monster. But Judge Red interrupts with some sane words. She feels she knows what Atrocitus wants and now she must learn what Gardner wants. So she, of her own volition, chooses to stay with Supergirl's Bum. The Cat and the Teeth decide to take their leave.

At least Rankorr will still be more useful alive than dead after this confrontation.

Guy's next plan is to rescue Rankorr. That's why Rankorr is still useful! As bait for the trap!

Red Lanterns #31 Rating: +2 Ranking. How did this become the best Lantern book?! Although I say that as somebody who has never liked Hal Jordan because he always reminded me of the popular kids in high school that would treat me kindly and not make fun of me at all and just go about living their own lives while not hurting or humiliating anybody else. The self-righteous jerk!

Red Lanterns #30

Dex-Starr should be the most powerful creature in the universe. I can't think of anything I'd want to piss off less than an angry, stray tomcat. And this one vomits lava and has a Red Lantern ring.

I guess everything in my life and everything in the world is perfect because I can't think of anything to bitch about. Hallelujah! Praise Allah/God/Yahweh/Ganeesha/Odin/Zeus/Buddha/Me!

So last issue, Bleez had just face-planted into Ysmault. From orbit. So she's all kinds of fucked up. But she was able to warn the other Red Lanterns that Atrocitus was behind her fall from grace. I mean space. Good thing the Red Lanterns have Supergirl on their team now! Although Guy Gardner has already beaten the shit out of Atrocitus once. Why is everybody so scared? Why is everyone so frightened? Why is every one of them terrified?

To explain why I just typed that last sentence three separate ways would be to describe the last five minutes of my life in excruciatingly boring detail. And since I'm simply not going to assume that everybody (or everyone (or every one of you)) wants to experience the peaks and valleys of my interminable existence, I shall leave it at this paragraph and be done with it.

This issue begins detailing the daily life of the Judge Judy and Burt the Bailiff of the planet Primeen.

This issue begins with Charles Soule writing more legal shit. Doesn't he get that out of his system over in She-Hulk? He's also writing about the incredibly boring legal process in Swamp Thing as well! Hey Charles Soule! Not everybody is interested in the excruciatingly boring details of your legal career! Write about when you were living on the highways of America, getting your money and your meals as a lot lizard! Writing poems on the streets for change in downtowns all across the states! Write about that time you fell in love with an elephant at the Portland Zoo, snuck in after closing, and fucked it in the ass! Only to realize afterward that it was the wrong elephant and the one you loved was watching from twenty feet away with a tear in its eye? No, you'd probably rather write about the legal process that you went through after getting caught banging elephants, right?! Boring!

It turns out that whatever Charles Soule writes about is interesting (as if we all didn't already know that). Judge Sheko realizes, year after year, until she's wrinkled and grey and yellower, that justice means nothing on Primeen. The judge has no power but to judge according to the wealth and power of the accused. Her job is nothing but ritual and tradition devoid of any true justice. Primeen may well have placed a goldfish on the judge's bench and the system would not have been bothered at all. Except that a goldfish can't bang a gavel, so how would anybody know when any case was over?

The King is not happy with this injustice!

Sheko's bailiff isn't as loyal as Burt is to Judge Judy, so instead of shooting the Prince, he turns and shoots Sheko. And that is the end of justice on Primeen! I suppose this story will relate to the Atrocitus getting vengeance on his old partners somewhere down the line. Probably having something to do with this story being called "Judgment Day" or something! Sheko is probably pretty pissed off about all this injustice and shit. But for now, let us return to Ysmault where Bleez eats Jello in her hospital bed.

Bleez wants to go rescue Rankorr but Guy Gardner wants to search for the seven Red Rings and the hosts they may have found. But since Guy Gardner made it clear that the Reds have no leader, Bleez tells Gardner to fuck off. She's going to do what she wants. Seems like a stupid idea to me. Rankorr stayed behind so she'd have a chance to warn the others. But just warning them and then going back to die makes it seem like she hasn't thought this through very well. I think she has a concussion from slamming her face into Ysmault. But then Bleez meets Supergirl and decides to stay and do her nails with her. And by "decides", I mean realizes that she can't get past a Kryptonian since she doesn't happen to have any Kryptonite on her, so she gets back in bed to answer Kara's questions.

But first, a new Red Lantern is born!

Meet your newest Red Lantern, Lantern Judge Judy of Primeen!

Sheko seems pretty coherent for a brand new Red Lantern. Maybe it's because she's older and wiser than most people that attain a Red Ring. Or perhaps it's just that her rage, focused like a laser on righting the wrongs of a terribly unjust legal system, is easily controlled and directed. Personally, I suspect it has something to do with becoming a Red Lantern while submerged in the waters of the Water Court acting much like the Blood Lake on Ysmault. She's granted a kind of clarity that even the other Red Lanterns won't have because she regained her sentience by a different means.

Judge Red Lantern finds everybody in the Water Court guilty and sentences them all to become puddles of blood. Whose team will she wind up on?!

Zilius Zox fixes up the Red Lantern Bar (which is also a ship) so it has the capability to hunt down the seven new Red Lanterns being created. They locate one in Sector 775 and it seems to be one of the most powerful Red Lanterns they've ever encountered. I wonder if they'll refer to her as Judge Red? I'd smell a possible lawsuit forming but I'm sure Charles Soule has taken every precaution under the law to distance himself from the fact that he's just recreated Judge Dredd. Damn it feels good to be a lawya!

The Red Lanterns immediately head out to catch this new Red because they've gotta catch 'em all. They also brought a big vat of blood from the Blood Lake to dunk the new recruit in to make her sane. Looks like they're in for a big surprise! Let's hope none of these Reds are guilty of anything!

As Guy and the others descend on Primeen, Charles Soule, once again, shows just how much violence a comic book needs without wasting six pages on a battle that doesn't fucking matter. He gets the necessary amount out of the way before getting right back to writing. Don't worry! He's new and enjoying the act of writing tons of comic books a month. Pretty soon he'll realize he can make just as much money by writing "five pages of battle" on a script as he does writing five pages of dialogue.

I actually hope that day never comes but, well, I don't trust anybody when it comes to, well, anything, really.

Here, Soule writes Guy Gardner how people should be writing Superman. Why the fuck does Superman constantly get pulled into battles when he's fucking invulnerable? This should be every scene with Superman? Antagonists: "POW POW POW!" Superman, yawning: "Are you done yet?"

Atrocitus and Dex-Starr have only just arrived. They have yet to make contact with Judge Red, so Guy and his gang aren't completely out of the running yet! Next chapter will be the fight to convince Judge Red which team is least guilty.

Red Lanterns #30 Rating: +2 Ranking. How many times do I have to stick my tongue up Charles Soule's ass? This fucker can write. If you see his name on a book, just pick it up because it's good. I'll simply end this with a picture of my boots because as I took a break to go get some iced tea while reading this, I realized I basically wear Red Lantern boots.

You can't see the shoelaces very clearly. The pattern on them is a pink star followed by a skull and crossbones with a little pink bow on the skull.

Red Lanterns #27

Yes! Fuck that slut's brains out, Ice!

I just finished reading my commentary of Red Lanterns #26 where I speculate who might get Ratchet's Red Ring. Last month, I settled on it probably going to a gerbil. But now that all the advertisements for the Green Lantern/Red Lanterns Double Backed Flip Book Extraordinaire have spoiled it for me, I know it's going to go to Supergirl. Which also explains why Doctor Veritas the Omniologist couldn't stop commenting on how angry Kara was. LeGrouch was trying to drop clues as to the ring's new bearer by saying it will go to a blonde with a nice butt although that just made me think Booster Gold was going to get it. That probably won't happen until the end of this issue though, so I'm getting ahead of myself. I can't wait to see how Guy and Tora's first date in a long time goes. I wonder if Black Hand will be there again?

The Red Lanterns have a bit of downtime now that they've just saved an entire race of enslaved beings. Those beings have come to Ysmault to carve huge statues honoring the Red Lanterns. But they're going to need a new statue soon because Ratchet's ring is out there looking for a new finger (remember! It's going to be Supergirl's finger!). Bleez thinks the new Red Lantern might need a little bit of help, so she organizes a Welcome to the Fucking Club party.

Rankorr is going to be so disappointed with this trip. Maybe if he's lucky, they can stop at Andersen's for some Split Pea Soup.

Rankorr declares he's going to find out "ten secrets of the universe" as he and Bleez head off on their trip. Like where does poetry come from? And why is his head on fire? And how come Bleez is the only Red Lantern whose suit decided to go full g-string? Those are all the secrets of the universe that I can come up with.

Guy decides to take a trip to Earth (where he'll probably run into Bleez and Rankorr!) and he invites Skallox and Zilius Zox along with him. So prepare to be terrified, Earthlings!

I guess in a Teen Plus comic book, you can refer to yourself as a penis. I guess if Catwoman can toss around double-headed dildos, Rankorr calling himself a bell-end is mild in comparison. Not that I have a problem with any of it! I'm just constantly aware of how stodgy and easily offended the American People are. Why should I expect anything more from a culture that has grown-ass people actually refusing to say certain words when having normal discussions about them. You know, when you're discussing the negative connotations of a word like "nigger" or "retard," you don't have to couch them in "n-word" and "r-word." We are adults. We can survive hearing those words. It's how these words might be used that should cause anger or offense, not simply hearing the fucking things.

Guy arrives at Earth and quickly ditches Skallox and Zilius Zox. He does give them directions for a walking tour of the best places to see on Earth. I don't know where Guy would send them. Pyramids? Um. Pyramids? It doesn't really matter though because Zox has his own agenda. There's something he's dying to find out. I think he's going to get Skallox in trouble.

Gardner arrives first in Baltimore, his home, but that must be to throw off Zox and Skallox because he didn't really want them hanging around anyway since his main point in visiting is to see Tora Olafsdotter. Ice.

Come on, Tora! Give in! He's a charmer! I mean, he's not. But I like him and I like you so fuckity fuck already.

Speaking of ice and snow, I had a big winter adventure here in Portland yesterday! My work vehicle was in the shop and I got the call to pick it up at two in the afternoon. Just as a dusting of snow was beginning to cover the streets. So the Non-Certified Spouse took me to pick it up. It took an hour to get there and two hours to get back. Because of the snowstorm and the slow, slow, horrendously slow traffic that it caused. I love the snow but hate traffic. Anyway, the cars are home and parked nicely and today Portland expects more snow, so I'll be heading out in it later. On foot. I have to pick up a copy of Ms. Marvel #1 at the comic shop and find a place to eat where I can look out of a window at the snow. Also this morning, I headed out to get some coffee. I was the first to walk down the driveway this morning and this is what I saw:

Either a Raccoon came by or a Sumatran Rat Monkey is on the loose.

The tracks were right beneath my neighor's kitchen window and he was there making breakfast or something. So he probably heard me squeal in delight as I came upon the raccoon footprints. Here's another shot of more of the raccoon's trail in the backyard.

I couldn't tell what creature had made the prints in the foreground of this picture because the snow was so deep.

Anyway, back to Guy and Tora's first meeting in quite a long time. I like that Ice is not happy about the fucking cold puns. That has got to get old. I, myself, get tired of all the mentions of my fabulous lovemaking whenever I go home for the holidays. Knock it off, cousin! You're embarrassing me!

Meanwhile, Skallox and Zilius are finding their tour of the world boring. They give up just before they're about to check out Las Vegas! Which could be fun. Maybe. Probably not since they know nothing of drinking earth booze and gambling and all you can eat buffets. And they probably wouldn't be allowed in any casinos, so what would they do there? Neon Sign Graveyard? Anyway, it doesn't matter since they're eventually approached by Shadow Thief. She's not very big on aliens on her planet, so this might wind up in that fight Zilius was looking forward to.

Best moment of Red Lanterns so far? Unless Dex-Starr and Midnighter's battle took place in this comic instead of Stormwatch. Then this is the second best moment.

For some reason, the question enrages Shadow Thief. Perhaps in Israel, it's bad form to mention testicles. Especially when the creature mentioning them looks like a gigantic one with lots of teeth. So the battle begins because Shadow Thief threw the first punch and Guy's only rule was that they couldn't throw the first punch. You know, the rule that Supergirl completely fucking ignores!

Guy has to go deal with Skallox and Zox's fuck up, but he invites Ice along to watch and see how he's changed. He will solve a problem without punching it in the face! He will use words! And good words! Not bad words! He will show Gus Tora that words can be used for good! Good words for good! Not bad words for bad!

Meanwhile in space, Ratchet's ring has not yet found Supergirl's fantastic bum. Instead, it found a fish thing. And that fish thing was found by some other guys you might recognize.

Whoops!

Red Lanterns #27 Rating: +2 Ranking. Some great moments in this issue. Charles Soule is doing a good job with pacing this comic. I like the beats. I like the interactions. I likey like like. Maybe you likey like like too?

Red Lanterns #26

If the Red Lanterns were drawn to irrational anger wherever it occurs in the universe, they'd spend all of their time at fast food drive-thrus.

Do Red Lanterns need to recharge their rings if they don't make light constructs? And if they don't make light constructs, does that mean they're not tapping the emotional spectrum? If that's the case then they're the only Lantern Corps that is fit to serve as Guardians of the Universe (if you buy into Relic's hypothesis and if they give up trying to replicate Rankorr's abilities). I suppose their rings work somewhat differently and tap straight into the emotional spectrum, pumping Red Light into the bodies of the Red Lanterns on a continual basis. Which would probably make them the worst wasters of emotional spectrum energy! Perhaps energy from the emotional spectrum is simply used up whenever anybody has strong emotions of any kind. Which would make Hal Jordan the worst waster of emotional energy as he willfully disregards the right, just, and non-selfish path to be taken in every single circumstance in his life.

That has nothing to do with this comic book because what the fuck do the Red Lanterns care about wasting emotional energy? And anyways, Peak Emotion is a myth at best and a huge con job at worst, perpetrated by arrogant, know-it-all scientists that are obviously making up everything just to get their hands on government grant money. If we're so low on emotional energy, how come I got so mad at my neighbor's kid yesterday that I stole his soccer ball, drew his face on it with a permanent marker, and fucked it straight in the eye? If we were running out of emotional energy, I probably would have just rolled my eyes and kept watching Judge Judy. Fucking scientists.

It is telling, though, that the people who blame scientists for being greedy, selfish narcissists are themselves greedy, selfish narcissists. People tend to live in a world where they automatically assume that everybody ultimately reacts the same way as they do and have the same needs and desires as they have. That's why I tend to believe that everybody hates Scott Lobdell, that they're all gorgeous geniuses, and that they all frequently engage in frank discussions about masturbation. The Non-Certified Spouse says that I give people the benefit of the doubt way too often. That's because I'm projecting my own superior being onto everyone I meet! Whenever I greet somebody, I say, "So, you must be an amazing lover." Then I glance down to see how strong their forearms look.

No wonder I always fall behind on my comic book reading. Why can't I stay on topic?

So, as you can see by the cover, The Red Lanterns had been captured by some jerk named Gensui. Except the cover shows Zilius Zox also captured (if you squint just right, you'll see him right behind Bleez!) and he isn't at all captured! He's upgrading the Red Lantern's ship with some super special upgrade that I bet is some kind of remote control doodad so that the ship can fly in to rescue them right before the firing squad kills them!

The Red Lanterns are captured in a Chill Field which gives Gensui a moment to explain to them the tricks of his trade.

If it was the fancy mustaches, 85% of the population in Portland would be dictators.

I have now taken some night-time sleepy time cough medicine so I hope I can make it through the entire issue before nodding off.

Zilius Zox skedaddles in Pirate Barg's ship, probably to go off and do it to his horse. But Gensui decides to go Full Empire on Zilius Zox's ass and demonstrate his Cosmic Death Weapon on Zox and Barg's ship. Barg is not very happy about this turn of events. But what can he do? He isn't going to betray his best friend just for some ship, right? He's no leader of a cloud mining colony that has gambling debts he needs to pay off! He'll probably just sit back and accept that he's Gensui's little bitch.

Gensui blasts Zilius Zox's teeny, tiny pub-shaped ship but not before Zox fists it with his ring hand. I bet that will get it moving!

Meanwhile on Goswam, Atrocitus fucks a giant in the ear.

After supposedly killing Zilus Zox, Gensui gives the command to kill the rest of the Red Lanterns. Except for Ratchet, they all take death in stride. Ratchet's ring seems to be wanting to abandon him, probably because he's been having kind and altruistic thoughts. Now it's going to leave him for sure because he's sacrificed himself to save the rest of the Red Lanterns as he blocks all the gunfire with his tentacles and his face. And that's when Zilius Zox returns with his fist up the ass of a star ship, blasting away at Gensui's army and saving the day! After Ratchet saved the day, of course. But Ratchet's Day Save didn't fully take because the guards still had more ammunition in their gun and Ratchet only has so much surface area with which to block bullets.

If I were writing this comic book, the ship would eventually gain Artificial Intelligence and it would have a huge crush on Zilius Zox.

Zox destroys the weapon that was producing the Happy Go Lucky Field around the Red Lanterns so that they can return to flipping the fuck out. Pirate Barg runs away because he probably has some secret means to reboard his ship so that he can cause trouble later. And Bleez kills Gensui because he's a weak-willed jerko that would rather not kill all the slaves on the planet and die quickly than kill them all and be tortured by the Red Lanterns for as long as their attention span holds out.

Speaking of attention spans which may or may not have anything to do with the next bit (depending on how you perceive shit), whatever happened to the female Czarnian Red Lantern? She just stopped being drawn in the background and then all the Red Lanterns died from Poisoned Red Energy and/or Relic and/or The Insatiables or whatever the fuck the creatures living under Ysmault's surface were called. How the fuck am I supposed to remember fucked up on cough medicine? Not that I'd remember anyway.

Ratchet dies from his wounds and he gives a really heart-felt and touching speech which I considered scanning but he speaks it in a much smaller font than the rest of the comic book and he makes sure to place his speech bubbles as far apart as he can in a panel that stretches the entire length of a page. That means even if I scan it, it would probably be really hard to read. So I'll just summarize what he said here:

"Never gonna give you up! Never gonna let you down! Never gonna run around and desert you! Never gonna make you cry! Never gonna say goodbye! Never gonna tell a lie and hurt..KKKKTT!"

That "KKKKTT" noise at the end was the death rattle sound effect of a brainy blob of tentacles. So sad.

Back on Goswam, Atrocitus comes inside the giant's head and the giant dies.

Red Lanterns #26 Rating: +1 Ranking. I can't wait to see who Ratchet's ring chooses as the new Red Lantern! I bet it'll be some super villain from Earth because that would be exciting and the Red Lanterns could use more people from Earth, right? Maybe it'll choose a puppy! No, puppies don't have rage. Perhaps a Gerbil?

Red Lanterns #25

Really? Hal is giving The Red Lanterns Sector 2814 to patrol? What a dick.

The issue begins with Itro the Megamonster destroying Downtown Goswam on Shoum. Itro has become a Red Lantern because every other member of Itro's species was killed by the people of Shoum. The people of Shoum insist they had to do it to save themselves because Itro's megamonster people were using up all the resources and they were too large to fit in any of the buildings where the Global Summits were held. But the Narration boxes giving the two halves of the story are trying to clue me in that the real problem isn't as black and white as either side might think. That's too bad for them because now the problem resides in that bloody, violent red area in-between.

Back on Ysmault, Guy Gardner confirms that Hal Jordan doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself and how much glory he can obtain.

I have a feeling Hal is actually going to have a problem with this. They never did actually discuss which Sector the Reds would get.

Guy gives Rankorr a quick tutorial about Space Sectors and the Guardians and how the Green Lanterns can't screw with Earth now. Somebody had better tell Simon Baz about this deal before the Reds find out about him. Guy points out how one third of the Red Lanterns are from Earth which means all the other Red Lanterns must be dead. It's just Guy, Rankorr, Bleez, Skallox, Ratchet, and Zilius Zox. Rankorr points out that there used to be another member from Earth: Dex-Starr. Skallox points out that Gardner had better hope Dex-Starr never comes back because that cat is going to be super pissed.

Guy, Guy, Guy. Cats are the best pukers in the universe. And now you've made enemies with one that pukes lava.

Meanwhile out in Sector 1107, Dex-Starr and Atrocitus are hunting for one of the Red Rings that Atrocitus sent out to find new recruits. It looks like they've found the one that chose Itro. Now they just have to wrest it from his humongous fingers.

The Red Lanterns decide that they need to make a big debut to get everybody's attention in Sector 2814. So they decide to take out an evil dictator named Gensui on the planet Kormorax. Even if they manage to defeat this guy, I don't know how that makes a big splash on all the other civilized planets. If they're all as narcissistic as Earth, they'll never even notice! I mean, not that it's Earth's fault that they wouldn't notice. Even if Earthlings weren't completely up their own asses, they still don't have the kind of technology capable of letting them know what the Red Lanterns are up to many light years away. I think eventually they're just going to have to go with a heavy leaflet campaign.

To invade this planet, the Red Lanterns decide to try subterfuge and trickery as opposed to violence and more violence. Rankorr creates an illusion to look like the pirate that used to fly the Red Lanterns' new home because the pirate is good friends with Gensui. The main part of the plan is to kidnap Gensui and then tell Gensui to surrender. The next part of the plan is I don't fucking know. Maybe take him on tour so he can tell everybody how the Red Lanterns defeated him and how they'll defeat you too if you don't behave?

But eventually they realize that Gensui has just been fucking with them because the Pirate Barg (who was last seen thrown into space by Guy Gardner) has been on Kormorax this whole time. So it looks like the trap backfired! Next time, just go with the spraying hot lava vomit on everything.

Red Lanterns #25 Rating: No change. What the fuck do the Red Lanterns think they're doing? Playing Role-playing games? I think Guy is trying to turn them into some kind of Justice League and probably thought this was the kind of plan Batman would come up with, disguising himself as Matches Malone to break some mob woman out of Blackgate Prison or something. But now they're in the middle of a huge army with just the five of them to defend themselves. Luckily Zilius Zox remained on the ship. Or maybe unluckily! He might have been the first one killed! Also, I should remind my future self that Ratchet's ring was trying to slip off of his tentacle this issue but Ratchet pleaded with it not to go yet. Is Ratchet getting soft?!

Red Lanterns #24

What a surprise. Hal's "talk" turns into a fistfight with Guy. And is Guy dual wielding Red Lantern rings?

Being a super hero is like being the drunk asshole forced out of the bar at closing time to suddenly mix with everybody else on the street. Sooner or later, somebody is going to say something that the drunk can use as an excuse to start throwing punches. If real life disagreements or conflicts ended in violence at the same rate as in comic books, we'd all be walking around with black eyes and fat lips. Physically beating somebody to a pulp doesn't mean you've won the argument. It means you've completely failed to counter the other person's argument so you decided to change the battle's weapons from words to fists. I suppose some people think of that as an effective way to resolve problems. Of course, those people are stupid assholes.

This issue begins on Earth.

I mean Ysmault! It's easy to get confused when DC can't even get their space sectors right. Ysmault is in Space Sector 666. A reader pointed out that this information I've been working with (that Ysmault is in Sector 666) is wrong! I was led astray by Red Lanterns #1 which gave me the wrong information. And that was when I was naive and actually trusted everything DC was telling me about their own universe!

In New Guardians #24, the Indigo Lantern planet of Nok was also said to be in Earth's sector of 2814. Since I don't actually know where Nok is located, I didn't mention it because I thought there was a possibility it could be correct. Now I'm not so sure!

Last issue Bleez caught Guy Gardner screaming into his Green Lantern Ring for Hal Jordan to come drag his ass off of the universal dump that is Ysmault. They have a discussion that doesn't involve putting their hands on each other. It's possible that since Red Lanterns know that any physical confrontation will inevitably end in one of the participants being killed, they see violence amongst themselves as a last resort. Whereas with the usual super heroes, they just love to test their limits against each other because they're mostly sure that nobody will die. So what harm is there in seeing if you can get a really good lick in on The Batman? Although Batman won't hesitate to break bones, so heroes should try to avoid poking him with a Batstick.

See? When fighting ends in death, more people resort to talking!

Guy decides to come clean about his real reasons for having come to Ysmault. The other Red Lanterns don't take it so well but whatever they were going to do about it is interrupted by Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps' surprise visit! That probably makes his revelation that he's done with the Green Lantern Corps seem a little less than honest.

Meanwhile in deep space, Atrocity and Dex-starr share a moment.

Oh, how cu...seriously? The Atrocity Butcher? Luckily that name doesn't last long as Kyle Rayner comes along to corral the Butcher.

Back on Ysmault, the Red Lanterns decide to defend their world from the assault by The Green Lanterns. Seems reasonable. But the Green Lanterns don't have much power, so Hal tells them to simply defend themselves while he tries to talk with Guy Gardner. That works out decently enough with Hal suffering only a fat lip before Guy decides to hear him out.

Guy wasn't really making a joke. He was just pointing out how easily he could be killed at any moment by one of the other Red Lanterns. I guess that's just funny to Hal.

What does Guy Gardner want in exchange for helping Hal defeat Relic? The Red Lanterns get their own sector to do with as they see fit. Guy says where they'll be the law but we all know that "the law" means nothing to a bunch of Red Lanterns. Luckily for Hal Jordan, the easiest sector to give them is the one in which Ysmault resides: 666. And that's pretty much a dead sector thanks to The Guardians' Manhunters many, many years ago. So while Hal is selling out a Sector and taking away its protectors (although, seriously, good riddance!), at least it's a sector that doesn't need much protecting. Probably. 2814. Which means Hal really is going to have to sell out some other sector! Unless he just picks 666 because of all that struck out nonsense.

And out on the edge of the Omniverse, Relic is trying to penetrate the Source Wall. He's on his 42nd try with his automatic ramming piston but, once again, he fails to get off. But Kyle and the Bohemian Guardians arrive to help! For some reason, Kyle also wants to now bring down the Source Wall. Perhaps it's to free up the emotional spectrum trapped on the other side? Because right now, the Lanterns need batteries to tap into the power. But once the power is freed, they won't need the stupid batteries anymore! Right? And there will be some other comic book reason that will prove to Relic that his theory about the Lightswitches killing the universe was wrong! I bet he finds out that they were actually helping to maintain the universe by siphoning off power in much the same way that The Flash helps keep the Speed Force under control by using up the excess built-up power.

Red Lanterns #24 Rating: No change. If Guy Gardner is going to remain a Red Lantern, he's going to have to make up with Atrocitus somehow. Or maybe Atrocitus and Dex-Starr will become the villains of Sector 666 Whatever Sector The Red Lanterns Get. Probably not. I have no idea where the Red Lanterns will go from here. But hopefully they'll stop getting dragged into all of the Green Lantern Corps' cosmic crises!

Red Lanterns #22

Who are "they"? The fans? The editors? The residents of Lodi, California?

Obviously the cover means The Red Lanterns! I'm not as stupid as I've led you all to believe! I once even got a C+ on a Calculus test without even studying! And after having taken Calculus in high school and in college! Yep. Proud moment for the parents spending money on my continuing education that I wasn't giving a shit about! I think I listened to Skid Row on my walkman more than I listened to the teacher droning on and on about finding the volume of an irregularly shaped reservoir so you could understand how much lateral pressure the water exerts and build a dam that could withstand that pressure. I can't do derivatives anymore but I still know all the lyrics to 18 and Life!

That last statement is actually a lie. I think I might actually be able to work out a simple derivative problem before I could recall the words to 18 and Life! Even back then, I think I was singing the chorus as "Eighteen and life retarded! 18 and life OH NOES! Your criminy time is eighteen and life, let's go!"

The Non-Certified Spouse likes to point out that I enjoy music with good lyrics but "18 and Life" proves that theory wrong! Since I couldn't remember the lyrics to anything but the chorus, I decided to look them up on the internet. I should pass on some of my years of wisdom and experience to the readers, so here's a pro tip for everybody that looks up lyrics on the internet! Sites with lyrics are the worst script traps on the internet with roving adverts and pop ups and scroll over make a noises! So whenever I load up a Lyric site, I hover over the stop button until the lyrics appear and then bam! Stop the site from loading anymore. This time, the site didn't even have time to load it's columns correctly and half the lyrics are in the middle and half the lyrics off to the left. But at least my CPU isn't dragging its fucking ass trying to keep up with all that shit that litters the pages of the typical lyrics site.

Actual Lyric from "18 and Life": "Fought like a switchblade so no one could take him down." Because if you were in a gang fight in 1989, a switchblade was the top weapon on the street! Unless some broadly horizoned asshole came along with a Butterfly Knife! That's what the lyric should be! "Fought like a butterfly knife so no one could figure him out." It's also strange that nobody could take down switchblade Ricky. This song must have been set in 1956.

It would probably take a calculus problem to figure out how many blow jobs this man received from teenage girls in 1989.

Actual Lyric from "18 and Life": "Tequila in his heartbeat; his veins burned gasoline." The semicolon punctuation is mine and not Sebastian Bach's. Was Ricky some kind of X-men Mutant? "What's your superpower?" "Oh, you know. Typical alcohol instead of blood syndrome. It, you know, keeps my motor running but I never really keep it clean." "Perhaps you should try out for the Brotherhood of Mutants then." Oh! Ricky was a Red Lantern! Man, I can't believe I switched up universes there when the answer was staring me right in the puss!

Actual Lyric from "18 and Life": "They say he loved adventure." Well, he may have been about ten years too late for the real thrill of Crowther and Wood's Adventure but I was really into text adventure games in 1989 as well.

Actual Lyric from "18 and Life": "He married trouble, had a courtship with a gun." Fucking adulterer. How pissed off must trouble have been when he went off with the gun? Hey, who likes digressions! So today on Facebook, my cousin Jennifer shared an image that said, "Karma cleanse: be grateful, act with love, check your motives, watch your attitude, forgive." I was tempted to add, "Don't cheat on your husband." Because, yes, she did in fact do that. Those are the kinds of things I was speaking of when I made the Facebook Status Update: "If I were to reply to friends' Status Updates with the first thing to pop into my head, I'd probably lose half of my friends."

That's probably enough about Ricky's story. I was pleasantly surprised to find out that I wasn't that off topic discussing this song about some raging kid! I just ramble and sometimes things all fall into place. The secret of writing well is not planning ahead but being able to organize everything that falls out of your brain into a somewhat coherent mess that kind of looks like maybe one actually put some thought into it.

As the issue begins, Guy Gardner seems to be having a spot of trouble dealing with the tequila in his heartbeat.

Is it too soon for another digression? I have a feeling that the people who read this blog aren't fans of comic books at all; they're fans of digressions! That wasn't the actual digression I was digressing into; it was me digressing out of a digression. The original digression was that my original, first-time-ever online screen name was The Red King. I'm sure I've mentioned this before but since this comic book is called "The King is Red", it seems an apt place to repeat myself. I chose The Red King because I'm the biggest fan of Alice in Wonderland and whatever the fuck the sequel was called, something about a fucking mirror. Anyway, I chose the name because logging off of the internet was akin to The Red King waking. Poof! Everybody on the internet went out like a candle. I may, according to my sources (which are me), have come up with the single best online name ever. EVER! Now because I love digressions and derivatives (oh fuck! I tied it back to Calculus! GENIUS!), my online name is Grunion Guy The Red Lizard due to The Lizard King thing and I was The Red Lizard King for awhile and then Xbox Live only accepts fifteen or so characters in the name, so I shortened it to The Red Lizard. Grunion Guy is, in fact, another of my online personae, and if you see something on the internet by Grunion Guy, it was probably done by me, with a very slight chance it may have been by Doom Bunny or Upright, my bestest friends in the whole worlds!

Getting back to the comic book and the first page, so far I really love the art. It's got a kind of Simon Bisley quality to it. And who doesn't like a character covered in bloody vomit. No? Just me?

"No? Just me?" is going to become my catch phrase. I'm going to be as popular as Steve Urkel and whatever his catch phrase was. I think it was "What? Me Worry?"

Here's the rest of the first page because I feel like I'm failing loyal readers having blathered on for so long with just a picture of Guy Gardner in vomit and Sebastian Bach. Also there was a kiss which I feel compelled to document.

The Red Lanterns argue for a bit trying to figure out what to do with Guy Gardner. During their arguing, Zilius Zox explains to Rankorr what it feels like to put on the Red Ring. Hey, you stupid tennis ball looking mother fucker! Everybody on the planet knows what that feels like!

Now I feel shame for resorting to name calling based on physique. I should have just called him mentally deficient. I think it's okay to harp on someone about how stupid they are but not how tennis ball shaped they are! Unless you can't point out that someone is stupid because it makes people who can't help but be stupid, due to their physiology and brain chemistry, feel bad. "Don't compare that idiot to me!" says the idiot.

Hey, anybody want to help me dig this hole I'm in a little bit deeper? Maybe we can piss off a couple of groups at once by pointing out how gay fraternities are! I don't think either side of that slight wants to be compared to the other. Although homosexuals don't often go around date raping women, so the analogy isn't exact. Frat boys put the "anal" in analogy!

Have any of you turned into Red Lanterns yet from reading my commentary? No, I know all y'all reading this on Blogspot haven't changed. Your probably wondering who the hell I could have offended with any of that, you bunch of insensitive beasts! That question was just directed at the Tumblrites. Lately my Followers have hovered around the same amount because I lose as many as I gain. I like to think that means I'm doing something right!

While Bleez is busy telling everybody what they're going to do with Guy Gardner, Rankorr does the opposite.

Because humans got to protect their own kind! Go humans! Down with xenomorphs! And, um, all other non H.R. Gigerstuff aliens! Humans rule! Humans rule!

Guess what happens after those panels? A fight breaks out! Oh, Red Lanterns. You are just like Tumblr.

Tumblrite #1: "I said something!"
Tumblrite #2: "Insensitive asshole piece of shit fucked up racist fuck."
Tumblrite #3: "dead!"

I don't spend as much time on blogspot because it's for oldies and uptights as opposed to youngies and oversensitives but here's my impression of Blogspot:

Blogger #1: "I have a blog!"
Blogger #1, three years later: "Oh yeah! I forgot I started this blog!"

Fuck you, Zilius Zox! Don't compare me to Rankorr!

I'm surprised at how much Zilius Zox knows about royalty! I guess Tennis Ball Monsters from Space know about all the different methods of government.

But I guess he's not quite as learned when it comes to biology.

Okay, Guy. Let's stop one-upping me on the descriptions of Zilius. Jerk. Although now that I get a good look at Zilius Zox, he looks quite a bit like my cousin Jennifer's ex-husband!

While I was admiring the wrinkly goodness of Zilius, The Red Lanterns broke out into another fucking fight. What is wrong with these guys? It's like they're motiv...oh yeah. Anyway, Gardner decides to use the old double loop-de-loop reverse kick-flip psychology on them and asks them why they want a leader? "What are we," he says, "Green Lanterns?" Oh! What's that thing the kids that used to be kids last decade say? Oh! Snap!

Guy suggests they run everything through a sort of vague anarchical kind of democratic system of punching and voting and vomiting blood. He doesn't really seem to care who leads or how they make decisions. His main concern is the lack of lodging and fast food restaurants on Ysmault. The Red Lanterns first vote is whether or not they should build a shelter.

Hmm. That involved far less blood letting than I've come to expect with these jerks. I suppose the real conflict will kick in when they try to decide the pizza toppings.

Instead of building a shelter, Guy decides to steel the Kaalvar, the flagship light cruiser of Barg! That's seems like a totally reasonable idea. And he's also tricked the Red Lanterns into following his lead without ever taking the command position! Oh, he's so sly.

A few pages of Guy and Zilius fighting pirates and vomiting follow. Whoever thought I would be describing the action of a comic book with so many instances of vomiting without reading an underground comic book? And also not lying like I sometimes do. Don't judge me for lying, that's Jesus's job. Jesus is going to judge you for judging, asshole.

While Guy heads toward the bridge to take command of the vessel, he finds a storage room full of crystal corpses, members of his old Green Lantern buddy Chaselon's homeworld. Apparently they are the space equivalent of tiger penises. The discovery sets Guy's rage dial to eleven and he flips the fuck out.

I think my three catch phrases are "No? Just me?", "Whoops!", and "Flips the Fuck Out." I probably have many, many more that I repeat all of the time and just don't notice because I'm like a grandfather in his recliner telling the same story over and over. I guess some people like that sort of thing.

Guy smashes Captain Barg through the cockpit window and out into deep space and then sits back to bask in the feeling of rageohol.

Or the after effects of a bloody, burning orgasm.

Red Lanterns #22 Rating: +5 Ranking! Homesteading has never been so much fun! If the building of the American Democracy had been this interesting, I probably would have completed my minor in American History! Although True American History did include Gouverneur Morris, one legged sex maniac who died from sticking a whale bone up his penis! Oh, he also wrote the Preamble to the Constitution.

Oh yeah! And lastly, Dex-Starr is out in space reanimating Atrocitus. I'm not sure if I hope it goes better than the reanimation in Re-animator or just exactly the same!

Red Lanterns #20

So many fucking teeth.

This is it! The final issue of Wrath of the First Lantern! It's also the final issue by Peter Milligan which means Peter Milligan is currently not writing any of DC's New 52. I hope that will change quickly. I don't actually follow news on future comic books to avoid all possible spoilers, so he might be queuing up to write another title already. If he is, I'm sure somebody will let me know.

Thankfully this issue begins with the scene where Arkillo tells Atrocitus that Sinestro left one last Guardian for him to take his anger out on. I have a feeling this issue is about to get all tortury and super violent. And it does! Just not on Oa.

This guy is still a step up from dating a Red Lantern.

Hopefully Rankorr will kill this guy in front of Kim and then expect her to want to continue dating him. Of course her response had better just be to slap the shit out of Rankorr. Rankorr needs to realize that he is this guy now. He can't be a compassionate Bearer of Anger. If his emotion was compassion, he should be an Indigo Lantern. Hmm. That probably might actually happen seeing as how all of the Indigo Lanterns are ex-murderer dickcakes anyway. My guess is he'll accept his fate as a Red Lantern once Kim tells him that he's no better than her asshole ex-boyfriend.

When Atrocitus went off to peel the toenails from the last remaining Guardian, he sent the rest of his Corps back home to Ysmault. They were greeted by the Inversions. These are creatures with deadly genitalia in place of common facial features. They also know magic. They also hate Atrocitus and plan on destroying the Red Lantern Corps with their favorite spell, Transmute Legs to Dogshit.

It's the only spell I ever bother memorizing in Dungeons and Dragons.

While most of the Red Lanterns are wondering how they're ever going to go out in public again with fecal legs, Bleez makes a stand against the Inversions. When she gives her speech, something strange happens in my head and heart. It's like a plug finally sparks and fires up an engine that's been trying to turn over for thirty years. I see unicorns fornicating with fireworks displays until the fireworks explode their sparkling mess straight through the unicorns love canal, exploding rainbows, glitter, and sugared cereal from the unicorns eyes, nose, and mouth. In other words, I think I fell in love a little bit.

She sounds like me criticizing a Scott Lobdell comic book!

The Inversions retreat after Bleez's tongue lashing. Who can blame them? That cunt gives great what for.

Some people might not like the fact that I use the word "cunt" in a non-pejorative sense and instead used it to mean "a fierce beauty with which I'm completely enamoured." But I'll use words in whatever way I want to use them! I feel like Mouth at the bottom of the well in Goonies except I'm gathering words to my chest instead of quarters. "I'm taking them back! I'm taking them all back."

After chasing the last Guardian for ten pages, Atrocitus finally gets close enough to vomit on him and make him crash into the surface of Oa. He then says a lot more words than a Red Lantern should say. Blah blah blah! Wah wah wah! Atrocitus does consider, for a brief moment, keeping him as his Real Krona Doll replacement. But his anger finally reaches a tipping point after he reads the Yahoo! Voices blurb on the second New 52 Superman trade: "This is an excellent jumping-on point for people who have yet to give the Superman monthly title a chance." I guess that's technically true! At least they don't lie about it being any good.

"Why does The New 52 need a new Superman book when they already have one that sucks cosmic ass?! Just let Snyder take over the regular title so it isn't poo! And give Ted Kord a book in place of Superman Unchained! Also, die you stupid Guardian!"

Meanwhile Rankorr has returned to Earth and is in the process of killing the abusive ex-boyfriend in front of Kim.

I thought the slap would come after Rankorr killed the ex.

And then he kills the abusive bastard.

Rankorr finally accepts his status as Red Lantern. Now I hope he stops trying to deconstruct the job to make it palatable for himself. You're a vomit spewing rageoholic now. Own it! Teach the others how to make constructs and get back to just fucking up the universe. With the understanding that the Red Spectrum's Cosmic Police Force is stupid bullshit, you can be free to embrace it and simply enjoy the work.

Red Lanterns #20 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book had some really nice moments. Bleez berating and driving back the Inversions was shades of Ostrander's Amanda Waller at her best. Atrocitus driving his hand through the head of a Guardian. Those Guardians have practically turned me into a Red Lantern over the years from my hatred of the little bastards, so that was a lovely scene. And Rankorr finally dropping his human issues. Now, bring on Guy Gardner!