Green Lanterns #2

Bleez always looks like she forgot to put on the skirt before leaving the house.

The Review!
It's the buddy cop Green Lantern mash-up you've all been waiting for! One is a street wise misogynistic rookie! The other is an agoraphobic Islamaphobe who's an even rookier rookie! Together, they're Green Lanterns! Green both because they're rookies and because they're in that Corps whose power is based on willpower! The characters might not actually be as misogynistic and Islamaphobic as I'm pretending they are. Since the basic concept of the comic book revolves around neither one liking the other too much and how they're constantly criticizing the other in their inner monologues, I feel it's more exciting to spice up the mistrust they feel for each other. Plus neither one of them is a white guy, so I think if I write conversations where they criticize each other in ignorant ways, it's punching parallel! Which is okay, right? Or is it still wrong because I'm writing it? What if I scream that it's parody and satire and other stuff that used to be okay but now gets people angry for different reasons!? I think I get a free pass about knowing right from wrong because according to all the Youthsplanations I receive every day, I'm always wrong about everything (except my mistrust of the cops! That just keeps getting proven time and time again! Although I don't want to turn a daily tragedy into about me being right yet again! At least I do but I want to acknowledge that I didn't mean to do that but still do it anyway!) I'm even going to be told I'm wrong by an old white guy when I read Green Arrow next!

The Commentary!
This issue begins on the planet Ysmault which is identified as the "home of the Red Lanterns" instead of explaining which sector it is located. It's Sector 2814, by the way. Don't believe the incorrect information being passed around by Issue #1! I'm not sure why the comic begins on Ysmault since Red Lanterns was cancelled. And I'm fairly confident that "Green" is not a synonym for "Red" so I'm confused. I guess DC Comics just doesn't know how to let the Red Lanterns go. What makes them so special? The Indigo Lanterns have pretty much vanished and all but one of the Blue Lanterns have been killed by bugs and/or Twat Lobo. The only Orange Lantern has been relegated to jokey comic books and the Star Sapphires are pretending to have Tupper Ware parties but they're really having sex with hot space guys behind the Guardians' backs.

I'd hate to sit on a subway next to Atrocitus.

Back in Pima County, Arizona, Sector 2814, Atrocitus's Hell Tower begins erupting. Simon Baz and Jessica Cruz aren't around to help because they weren't Green Lantern enough for ARGUS. ARGUS must have forgotten their Secret Police Tape to close off the crime scene because dozens of citizens are standing around the Hell Tower when it erupts. Now dozens of citizens, along with the ARGUS agents, are really mad for no reason at all! Unless the Hell Tower is the reason. And maybe their dead family members.

Up in Portland, Oregon, a lot of douches are thinking they're cool, especially the one that lives in the apartment beneath me. I wonder how many people reading this are from Portland, living beneath somebody else, and are now wondering if that's Tess up there? Also happening in a Lexmart in Portland, Jessica Cruz is introducing herself to the readers and having a nice little About Me chat with them. It doesn't make any sense. Does she know she's in a comic book and that I just turned the page to see her for the first time this month? I would think she would be too concerned with all of the angry shoppers that were attacking her for no reason at all. Really no reason this time! She's not in the Hell Tower or Dead Family Members Aisle.

Jessica's sister has become the Angriest Shopper in the World and Jess doesn't know how to help her. Oh yeah, Jessica also mentions her anxiety so that readers suffering from anxiety can be all, "Cool! Representation! Except for that part about how she totally hasn't been crippled by her anxiety at all in her Justice League adventures! Probably because Volthoom was controlling her! Also, what did she mean by her sister made her leave her apartment even though she was crippled by anxiety? Fuck saving that cunt! How dare she!?" It's about at the time I thought "Should I include the word 'cunt' in my imaginary reader's thoughts?" when Simon Baz comes crashing through the wall of a store in a Light Construct Humvee to save the day!

When Jess sees Si, she thinks, "Look at how violently he just entered the store? Religion of peace, my big brown ass!" And Simon Baz is thinking:

"Religion of pieces, more like! SMASH! BANG! BOOM!"

Apparently Sam Humphries thematic element tying this series together is explained in this moment as Simon arrives. I said "apparently" when I probably should have said "undoubtedly and without question" because Jess thinks, "I might be all anxiety, but he's all impulse. Somewhere in the middle is where a Green Lantern should be." So that's why they were forced to share a Lantern! Because they're representative of two halves of one mind. So it's like The X-Files but less subtle or interesting!

Not that I'm totally disinterested in this comic book but it is doing a few things I could do without. How about more funny light constructs and less interior monologues about the differences between Si and Jess? Or maybe more interior dialogues between the two but make them more hate-filled and racist! I don't mean because I enjoy those things! I just mean because I would think it was funny if they were both ignorant assholes who eventually learn to not be ignorant because of interacting with each other and space travel! They'll still be assholes though.

Who the fuck is Simon talking to? I hate these kinds of fucking Narration Boxes! HE SHOULD NOT BE AWARE OF ME WATCHING HIM!

Jessica has been having trouble making light constructs because of her anxiety or something. She's so full of self-doubt that she can't even make a butterfly net to catch her sister. A butterfly net is like Green Lanterning 101! It's like the elephant lamp that you pull the trunk and the light comes on of Green Lantern Shop Class! But she's too scared of hurting her sister so impulsive Simon Baz has to swing into action and help out. He puts Sara Cruz in suspended animation that should keep her safe while he and Jess fly into space to fight Red Lanterns. On his way out of the Lexmart, he steals a stuffed animal and crashes through the roof. I want to complain about how irresponsible he is for a peacemaker in a position of authority but how can I when he's at least not killing the people he's supposed to protect. I just can't get angry at a space cop stealing a teddy bear when actual cops are stealing lives.

Simon and Jessica realize the Red Lanterns are invading Earth with their hate. They don't have time to stop them this issue even though Aquaman took care of his first problem in only two issues. Although Black Manta was freed before getting to prison, so once he's done feeling like he wasted his life trying to kill Aquaman, he'll get right back up on that Aquaman killing hobbyhorse, I'm sure. Hopefully next issue begins with Simon and Jessica charging their rings so that they don't wind up in the usual shitty Green Lantern cliffhanger where the ring is running out of power. Although Simon still has the gun strapped to his thigh, so he can at least find out if bullets can kill Atrocitus. I bet they work against the cat!

Twat Lobo #11

I guess Larfleeze is too powerful for Twat Lobo.

Twat Lobo was cancelled just in time! According to Mister Master Cullen Bunn Esquire himself, DC Comics was going to allow him to ruin another great DC Comics character! Here's what he said on his Tumblr:

The biggest element that will be lost is that we were going to have [Twat] Lobo find out who had put out the "contract" on Czarnia. We'll see some of that, but not much. Originally, I had a long arc where a New 52 version of [Twat] Hitman (Tommy Monaghan) would have shown up and the two would gone [sic] after "the dark forces working against the assassins behind the scenes" together.

Holy shit am I glad Twat Lobo was cancelled before that happened! Hitman does not belong in space. "Dark forces" aren't really dark forces if they're working against assassins. They're just other people in the business of being jerks! Or they're, you know, good guys! I can't imagine DC could find somebody less subtle than Cullen Bunn to write Hitman. He'd probably turn him into another bad-ass spouting bad-ass insults while accomplishing bad-ass feats. Tommy would lose any hint of maudlin or melancholy or his desperate hope for something better for the people he loves while knowing he's destined for hell and bad times no matter what. I think if Cullen Bunn had been allowed to write Hitman, I would finally have realized it's simply time to stop reading comic books. I put up with Nocenti writing Katana and Klarion. I'm putting up with Bunn writing Lobo. I put up with Lobdell writing Superman. I think Cullen Bunn writing Hitman would finally have broken me. I'm just so fucking tired of poor editorial decisions and higher ups at DC Comics not giving a shit about talent.

Although horrible books are fun to trash! That's the segue into this month's Twat Lobo!

Twat Lobo has followed Bleez back to the Red Lanterns' new home. It's a ship orbiting Ysmault. I don't know when Atrocitus took back his home. I don't know when Bleeze once again became pals with Atrocitus. I don't know why aliens come to Ysmault to get their ring when most rings just fly around the universe, land on a finger, and bring the aliens back to base. I don't know who the Rage Mother is and why she needs to hold the main power battery. What I do know is that Twat Lobo is going to kill most of the Red Lanterns and destroy the main power battery for Sinestro. Because Twat Lobo is a huge tool of the man!

I think the font is supposed to make this scary.

Twat Lobo is the greatest killer in the universe so I'm not worried about how this battle is going to go. I think I am supposed to have a raging boner prepped and ready for a ten page long gorefest of a battle! Where's my Rage Viagra?!

Before the battle really even begins, Cullen Bunn takes out his own personal feelings on a character and gains even more of my enmity than I was already allowing him.

Fuck you, Bunn. Look at the big man killing the kitty cat! What an amazing piece of writing. You piece of shit.

Hey! Guess who the vile disgusting editor of this kitty murder scene is? Yep! Sexaul Harassment Expert Eddie Berganza! What other lousy editor would give the go-ahead for killing Dex-Starr? I wonder if he's got Krypto in his sights next? Jesus Christ, I wish that Cullen Bunn would sign an exclusivity contract with Marvel. He can't get away from DC's characters fast enough.

Twat Lobo makes sure to Narration Box "These guys are hardcore" and "Let's hope I can handle it" so that the reader derives some fake tension from the battle. I guess this is finally going to be an actually tough fight for Twat Lobo! I hope he survives! No wait. I hope he doesn't survive.

Atrocitus has Twat Lobo on the ropes, drooling blood all over Twat Lobo's face! It looks like he's going to defeat Twat Lobo! He even says something about wondering if Twat Lobo can endure his wrath or something. The important thing is that you read and remembered he used the word "endure" so that a page later, you'll understand Twat Lobo's terrific and not overused by hack writers comeback line.

Get it? Atrocitus said endure and now Twat Lobo is turning it around on him by repeating it and adding "this" to the end!

Twat Lobo escapes so that his face can heal. It shouldn't heal too much though because, for some reason, Rocha is drawing him a lot more like Real Deal Lobo this issue. Maybe all this Lantern work is aging him and he'll soon look just like the version of himself who will travel back in time to be killed by his younger self in Twat Lobo #1! I bet Real Deal Lobo (who is just, in my theory, an older version of Twat Lobo) is the one who put the hit on Czarnia after coming back from the future where he was married to Tommy Monaghan and living with a bunch of space dolphins.

Twat Lobo manages to set up some traps because he escaped so far ahead of the Red Lanterns. He's like Dick Dastardly in a Wacky Race! Except more psychotic and actually willing to kill everybody in the Arkansas Chugabug and the Anthill Mob. It's super exciting! After Twat Lobo gets away, there's a page where he says, "I know! I'll make some traps with all of these Inquisitional Torture Devices I just stumbled across!" Then there's a page where one of the Red Lanterns says, "What's this!" Atrocitus says, "No! I sense you are about to explode all over the page for the benefit of all the rage boners enjoying this comic book!" And that's what happens! Then the next page, Twat Lobo is saying, "Ha ha! Suckers! Now I can rest some more and have a masturbation fantasy!"

I hope a surprise appearance by a naked lady didn't confuse all of those rage boners!

I get it. People like bad comic books for various reasons. I think the biggest reason is that they simply ignore every idiotic thing that happens because they're simply in love with the character or because they once met Cullen Bunn at a con and now they feel a bond and need to like his work. I don't like it. He makes stupid mistakes because he's not paying attention to the things he's previously written just a few pages ago. Like in the previous issue where Twat Lobo claims he did research on the Indigo Lanterns and then is surprised by their ability to teleport. Let me walk you through just some technical shit that turns me off from this poorly written issue. We'll begin with Twat Lobo having just killed another Red Lantern.

Here we see Twat Lobo declare that he's gotta keep his distance. He also feels bad for them because they'll never see him coming. See, he controls his rage while they are puppets of their own rage. Advantage: Twat Lobo!

Whoops! Twat Lobo underestimates Atrocitus and doesn't see him coming! Advantage: Atrocitus.

So far, so good. Twat Lobo knows he must keep his distance and he's learned that maybe Atrocitus isn't as dumb and clumsy and rampagy as he thought. Twat Lobo is no Midnighter! So now Twat Lobo knows he must keep his distance, right?!

Okay, so Atrocitus was right on top of him and then in the next panel, Twat Lobo has extended the space between them. Great job, Twat Lobo! You've got a gun and everything! You can remain at that distance and finish him off!

It looks like Twat Lobo's plan is coming together! Now let's take a look at the next panel!

What the holy fuck are you fucking doing, Twat Lobo?! You had one clear strategy! KEEP YOUR FUCKING DISTANCE!

This entire sequence would be fine if the panel showing Twat Lobo far away from Atrocitus (and, by the way, don't make him charging Atrocitus in that panel when he has long range weapons and the distance he needs) was just expunged from the scene. Just have Atrocitus break through the wall and bite Twat Lobo. No need for a "Big guy got the jump on me again" Narration Box because this is a fucking comic book and the reader sort of already saw that in the visuals. And no need for a "dammit, got too close" Narration Box either because the whole "got the jump on" thing sort of takes precedence. The whole thing comes across as amateurish. And I didn't even bother with the two panels that follow, the first of which shows Twat Lobo punching Atrocitus in the chin and yelling, "Get off!" And then the second one shows Twat Lobo six feet away and charging Atrocitus. Nice spatial work, guys! I can't complain enough about this scene! Plus I'm still angry at Dex-Starr's death.

Just to be clear: the previous complaint wasn't all just about Cullen Bunn. It's also about Frank Barbiere, Robson Rocha, Mike Cotton, and Eddie Berganza.

Twat Lobo manages to stab Atrocitus in the heart and then shoot him into paste.

Zing!

After Twat Lobo destroys Atrocitus, he finds that the Red Lantern Power Battery has disappeared. His entire goal was to destroy it so what does The Code say? It says he can shrug and go back to Sinestro having not finished the job, apparently.

The issue ends with the Rage Mother vomiting up all of the Red Lanterns that Twat Lobo killed, including Dex-Starr and Atrocitus. Well, I guess Cullen Bunn didn't get the go ahead to kill the characters. So this bullshit ending had to be tacked on which means that nothing actually happened during this issue. Great. Can I have my money back then?

Twat Lobo #11 Rating: -5 Ranking. Fuck you, Cullen Bunn. Fuck you, Robson Rocha. Fuck you, Mike Cotton. Fuck you five times or more, Eddie Berganza. The only person I'm leaving off the hook for this toxic waste dump of an issue is Ruy Jose because he just traced the bullshit that came out of Rocha's pencils. At least Cullen Bunn finally got me to feel something for one of his issues. I was fucking pissed that he killed Dex-Starr. But you know what? I'm pissed even more by the ending that erased the entire fucking issue! My guess is Cullen Bunn turned in the issue and Mike or Eddie was all, "You can't kill Dex-Starr and Atrocitus after all. I know we discussed it and even jerked each other off while planning it but I just got a memo that we can't do it." So Cullen picked up a Post-It Note and scribbled the ending where a new character named Rage Mother vomits everybody back into existence. Bam! Send it to the printer! I might be wrong. But if I am? It's even fucking worse if this was the plan from the start! This issue was an insult to comic book fans. Luckily not many comic book fans were probably insulted by it because who is actually purchasing and reading this shit, amirite?!

Red Lanterns #34

If only one Red Lantern will survive, I hope it's Dex-Starr.

I don't think I was very successful in my attempt at brevity while doing my Harley Quinn #10 commentary. I'll just have to redouble my efforts with Red Lanterns #34! Or halve my efforts? Whichever one is briefier!

Last issue (which was the Annual because DC heard the fans resounding yell of "More Essential Annuals!" and made it happen. Unless they just hallucinated the fans yelling that which seems more probable actually), a whole mess of Earthlings became Red Lanterns and joined Atrocitus's army. Now Guy Gardner (with the help of Supergirl and a handful of his own Reds) must stop them without killing anybody. I don't think that's going to be possible. He might as well just start out killing for the greater good.

Guy plans on making a last stand on Ysmault while Rankorr, Skallox, and The Shadow Thief (now a Red Lantern as well) hide out on Styge Prime. Is Atrocitus really needed as a main character in Red Lanterns? I mean, I understand he's the whole reason the Red Lanterns exist. But now the team has Guy Gardner! I think it's time for Atrocitus to just lay down and die and let Dex-Starr eat him. Then Dex can kind of hang around Ysmault accepting handouts but not really wanting anybody to touch or look at him too much. Until after a few months of this kind of hard to get lifestyle, he'll eventually allow Bleez or Guy to give him a little scratch behind the ears. But after a few seconds, he'll hiss and run off. It'll take another few months before he begins rubbing on legs and enjoying the company of the other Reds. And then I never have to read another story with that whining, pseudo-philosophical asshole Atrocitus!

Now if this were a Hollywood movie, they'd realize that their irritation of the other's personality was actually love, somehow. Then they'd fuck.

I think that's the plot of all Hollywood romances. Two people are irritated by each other. The two people are too lazy to find somebody that they actually get along with and like. The two people fuck. The two people spend the rest of the movie pretending that they're going to spend the rest of their lives together. The movie ends before either one can come to their senses, leaving the audience believing in true love! Also in the belief that if somebody doesn't like you, you have to just keep bothering them until they finally get naked with you.

Guy Gardner truly thinks Atrocitus is going to slaughter him and Bleez so he gives his last words to John Stewart. His last words are all about making Hal Jordan feel better. I hope you're happy, Hal Jordan! Everything always has to be all about you, doesn't it? Guy should have said, with a smirk, that Hal is to blame for Guy's upcoming death. Let Hal choke on that one for awhile.

Rankorr, Skallox, and Shadow Thief arrive just in time to stop Guy and Bleez from being overwhelmed. If Atrocitus was just about to slaughter two Red Lanterns, why would three Red Lanterns be able to rescue the other two?

Whoops. Make that two Red Lanterns to rescue the other two.

So now Skallox and Zilius Zox are dead. I'm sensing a pattern! Good thing Guy's last name isn't Gardnerox.

Yeah! No fair! He's not Dex-Starrox!

I'm sure Dex-Starr is going to be all right. Charles Soule can't kill a cat. Although he is a lawyer and I've heard lawyers have no souls or hearts or feelings or emotions or anything. I've never met a lawyer in my life so I don't know if there is any truth to the rumors. But I do tend to believe things that I want to believe, so that's really all the veracity I need.

Judge Red, who was probably a lawyer before becoming a Judge, has finally reached a verdict concerning Guy Gardner. I guess this was one of those non-jury trials that are probably decided by back room cash hand outs. Luckily, Guy is judged not guilty. But Judge Red judges herself as guilty and explodes. Fucking lunatic. She also takes all the humans with her. Not to the Realm of the Dead! To the Realm of the Probably Comatose and, Quite Possibly, Worse. Guy gathers them all up so he can figure out a way to get the rings off of them without killing him. I suppose he either has to stick them in the sun or convince Saint Walker to come out of retirement.

And then Guy Gardner battles Atrocitus. Not like a normal comic book where two characters punch each other until the one that punches the best wins. No, Guy battles Atrocitus in a Charles Souleian manner.

What kind of comic books did Charles Soule read that he now thinks this kind of confrontation is acceptable?! Where are all the punches?!

Look. I've read a lot of comic books in my time. I've read a lot of Guy Gardner comic books in my time as well. And there's always been something about Guy that I really love, especially when a writer gets it right and doesn't just portray him as an egotistical asshole that has to be in charge. Charles Soule gets Guy. He gets that Guy wants to do good. He gets that Guy needs approval and it hurts deeply when he doesn't get it. Guy wants to be recognized. That's why the Guardians knew they could manipulate him by promoting him to, what was it, Captain of the Everything or something. Anyway, Guy wants to be the best person he can be but he's got some anger issues that he's never been able to deal with very well. And now when Guy gives up the Red Ring, he's doing it because he knows the ring will choose him again. And seeing the ring choose him again, seeing ten rings choose him because of the anger he has, at the world, at his father, at himself...that fucking hurts to read.

This motherfucker is in some serious emotional pain.

Earlier I made that facetious comment about Guy's last words when I said they were all about Hal. The part of that I liked which I didn't mention because it didn't fit in with my rant about Hal being a jerko was when Guy admitted that he probably wasn't the best Green Lantern simply because he needed to be recognized as the best so badly. Everybody in the DC Universe has daddy issues but I like to see them manifest in intelligent and realistic ways. Like a guy needing his father's love so badly that he becomes the leader of an angry alien police force to prove to some other guy leading another cosmic police force that he can do the job too. It doesn't get more realistic than that.

Anygarden, Guy removes the Red Rings from all the Earthlings and Atrocitus and Dex-Starr and Atrocitus's Reds without anybody dying. He uses the rings to restore the Red Lantern Battery and the Blood Ocean. And then he gives the Red Lantern Corps to Rankorr. As for Guy, he returns to Earth wearing the Red Ring on a chain around his neck. Is it time to be Warrior again?!

Red Lanterns #34 Rating: +2 Ranking. Well, Mogo is getting more prisoners! I wonder if Mogo has any ethical issues with becoming a prison planet for the Green Lanterns. I don't really know what direction this book is going to go after all this. Will it follow Guy Gardner a bit on Earth? Or is it going to become a romance with Rankorr and Bleez honeymooning all over the place while they vomit lava on bad guys' faces? And what's going to become of Shadow Thief?! Or is it Shadow-Thief? Once she takes a dip in the Blood Ocean, she's really going to hate what she's become. But most of all, what is going to happen to Dex-Starr now that he's free of the Red Ring? I hope he becomes Mogo's best friend. Maybe Dex and Mogo will tame each other!

Red Lanterns Annual #1

How much of this fight would actually be fisticuffs? Guy Gardner is a stupid jerk. Unless the cover artist is a stupid jerk. One of those.

Everybody can point to one of a million things that DC has done wrong in the last few years so let me point out another one. In their "Channel 52" portion of the comic book about the future of the Swamp Thing comic, Matt Idelson writes, "Holding to our fine tradition of making our annuals essential reading...." As you can see, he accidentally typed "fine" when he meant to type "really fucking stupid." How did an editor miss such an obvious mistake? Because they just don't care anymore. And who can blame them when they have to read and reread stories by Howard Mackie, Scott Lobdell, and Ann Nocenti to catch any continuity and grammatical errors? Their minds must be absolutely jellied by the experience.

Hopefully nobody new to the Red Lanterns decided to pick up this annual thinking that it might contain a self-contained story that might lure them into picking up the book on a regular basis, thus increasing DC's profits over the long term because they wouldn't fucking understand it. It's Part Three of a Four Part story. So fuck you, new readers! And wait! DC isn't done handing out the fuck yous! A hearty fucking fuck you to continuing readers as well since they now have to scrounge around their parents' house for loose change and not very closely watched billfolds to come up with another $4.99 this month! Because this annual continues the really fucking stupid tradition of making annuals essential reading!

Speaking of piss poor editing, please enjoy this romantic performance of "The Misplaced Space and The Missed Period."

Atrocitus wants to punish Guy Gardner by squicking everyone on Earth. Dex-Starr is also from Earth but he doesn't give a shit about a species that has no qualms about putting to death, every day, thousands of animals that they proclaim to love and cherish as pets. As long as Atrocitus leaves enough of the Earth left for cats and mice and birds to live free, Dex is probably behind the plan.

Wait. Scratch that. Fuck Atrocitus and his stupid plans!

One of Atrocitus's new Red Lanterns is named One-Heart? That was my nickname in high school! We also called this one kid "Two-Eyes." And another kid was "One-Liver." There was a kid nicknamed "Ten-Toes." And another nicknamed "Nine-Fingers." He had an accident in Algebra II. Then there was that weird kid that was nicknamed "No-Bellybutton." Where did that kid come from?!

Atrocitus's plan changes from the general skull-fuckery to an even more devastating plan: destroy all of Earth's tourist attractions! The best part about this plan is that Oregon will be left alone! There's nothing to see here!

Now New Earth no longer has an Eiffel Tower or a Grand Canyon or any Egyptian pyramids or Las Vegas or some stupid dam in China or some famous building in Spain that probably housed goats and chickens or Baltimore because the Red Lanterns completely destroyed them. So I don't want to see any more shots of Paris with the Eiffel Tower in the background, DC! It's gone! And why would anybody bother to rebuild it? Or the pyramids! Nobody is going to rebuild those. And even if they did, who would want to travel to see some pyramids that were built by modern machines?! DC's editors had better pin this shit up on their DC Continuity Corkboard because I am going to call it out every time I see one of these stupid tourist attractions intact in a future comic book! Unless they all get fixed somehow by the end of this issue. Which seems like a reasonable thing to happen since how can any Earth continue without Las Vegas?

The second part of Atrocitus's plan is to send down thousands of Red Rings because everybody on Earth is going to be awfully angry about the destruction of The City That Reads. And they are! So terribly mad that every one of them that discovers a floating, glowing red ring decides to put it on their finger! Unless that's just human greed. It might be human greed. Atrocitus may not have needed to destroy lots of things for his plan to work. Although destroying all that shit for the sheer pleasure of it was probably a nice feeling.

Guy Gardner finds out what Atrocitus is doing and he gets angry. Or angrier. Perhaps angriest. Whatever! He wants to chew ass and kick bubblegum and he's all out of ass!

The entire DC Universe gets rebooted and Guy still can't live down that time he was sucker punched by Batman!

I do like how Charles Soule reverses the whole "I don't have time for this" comic book trope. Whereas they usually don't have time to explain and waste a bunch of time fighting before they stop fighting to explain, Guy lets Batman know right up front that he doesn't have time for that whole fighting part and they should just get right down to the explanations. Which is what happens! Thank whatever fucking God allows rimjobs for Charles Soule, a comic book writer who refuses to write comics that have already been written.

Meanwhile Skallox heads down to collect Shadow Thief because he's in loooOOoooOOOoove! He wants to take her back to the Blood Ocean on Styge Prime so that she'll be ever so thankful to be back to her somewhat normal self that she'll lick his butthole clean. Sure, she's a self-proclaimed xenophobe but we saw in an earlier issue of Red Lanterns that, in reality, she's simply protesting too much. She's like one of those super anti-gay preachers that believe that being gay is a choice because they're actually gay and desperately choo-choo-choosing to live heterosexually. But they aren't fooling God! At least not that God that loves rimjobs I mentioned earlier.

I'm really, really trying to remain angry at DC Comics so I can earn a Red Ring but fucking Charles Soule keeps writing moments like this and suddenly this thing I don't understand is happening to my face, mostly around the mouth parts but sometimes sort of around the inside corner of the eye area too.

While Guy and most of his crew try to help Earth, Zilius Zox has headed to Styge Prime to shit in Atrocitus's Blood Ocean. The original owner of Zilius Zox's Flying Bar, the Kaalvar, has become a Red Lantern and is on Styge Prime to protect Atrocitus's new home. He also has a chicken beaked, brain exposed friend to help him. And also Rankorr. Surprise! He wasn't crazy at all!

A bit psychopathic, maybe. But not crazy!

It turns out Rankorr just had a really evil mindcontrolling tapeworm in his system. But he hasn't eaten in a while, so he waves a Snickers bar in front of his mouth and when the evil tapeworm sticks its head out to get really satisfied, Rankorr yanks it up and out of his throat and tears it apart. Rankorr's back! Hmm, seems only the crickets care.

Seriously though. What is wrong with the inside corners of my eyes?! WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?!

Suicide Squad could learn a thing or two from Charles Soule's Red Lanterns! See how it's done? You take characters that nobody cares about, make them care about them through ritual magic of some nefarious kind, and then kill them off! It's not that hard to do!

And if you think that last panel I scanned fucked up my face in unknown ways (more ritual magic, I'd wager!), Charles Soule beats it a page or two later as Zilius Zox crashes the Kaalvar into Atrocitus's new Blood Ocean headquarters while saying, "My ship. My good ship. Thanks, girl." But even before that, he resolves one of his earlier plot threads.

If there were any doubts that Guy and Zox had become friends, this moment puts them all to rest.

Back on Earth, the rampaging new Red Lanterns are stopped when Bleez brings along the Reds' statue building friends they saved from Barg and his buddy a few issues ago. They have that weapon that calms people down and they blast Earth with it. So Earth is saved but what of the Earthlings that all became Red Lanterns? They can't just sit in the sun like Kara did. And all but one Blue Lantern are dead. I guess they'll just have to pick a Red side.

I have to say, I'd pick the side with the cat as well.

Red Lanterns Annual #1 Rating: Charles Soule should write all the DC Comics. At the very least, he should take over Red Hood and the Outlaws and Klarion the Witch Boy. It can't be too late to change writers on a comic book that hasn't even come out yet, right?

Red Lanterns #32

Since the new Sandman keeps not being for sale every Wednesday, this cover is as close as we're going to get to the next issue.

I read Red Lanterns #32 without the will to comment on it. It was written by Charles Soule. It was good. He probably makes the angry Red Lanterns talk more than they probably should but I guess the Blood Ocean adds a bit of a philosophical bent to them as well as making them sane. That would make sense and would explain why Atrocitus is prone to a soliloquy or two. That fucker probably bathed in that thing daily for years. Anyway, Rankorr was saved although he's gone feral again. And Atrocitus trashed Ysmault and shit in the Blood Ocean. The place is a rank disaster now. The only thing that survived was a statue of Ratchet because he must have been doing some crazy sexy things with those tentacles to the Red Lantern leader.

The other big thing that happened was Supergirl was sent packing because Guy Gardner didn't want to see her hurt and believes she doesn't deserve to be saddled with the Lantern curse. He probably sees a bit of himself in her. Young and angry with a fuck ton of potential and plenty of years to make something of herself. He let his anger choose the course of his destiny and he doesn't want to see that happen to her as well. I know Guy thinks of himself as a hero but he also seems to believe he deserves his place on the Red Lanterns. I'm pretty sure it stems from his Daddy Issues.

Here's a picture because comic books use pictures. A lot!

Red Lanterns #32 Rating: No change. As I said, it was written by Charles Soule so it doesn't disappoint. Right now he's the anti-Lobdell. I expect one of Soule's comics to be good and believe it is before even reading it. The benefit of the doubt for Soule skews toward believing he knows what he's doing. When I pick up a Lobdell book, I already assume it's shit. The benefit of the doubt for Lobdell skews toward believing he's making each page up as he goes and barely remembers what happened in his own comic book three pages back. Also, he's too lazy to reread his script to figure it out.

So now that the comic book part of this session is over, you can go. Or you can stay and read another project I never finished. It was mostly to help me get a grip on Samuel Beckett's Murphy but it was also at a time when I was writing children's versions of modern literature novels. Why should adults be the only ones to learn that society is a ruthless, awful place that grinds down an individual until they can barely function anymore? They should learn that before they go through schooling, not after! Most of the books I was writing were meant for children who have had a year or two of reading under their belt. Get them the truth as soon as possible, I say! This version of Murphy was for older kids up to about sixty or so. And I only managed to get halfway through Murphy before it stalled (halfway on this read. I think I'd read it twice before I began this project). I also imagined grainy, unfinished pencil sketches of each of the characters as they were introduced.

Murphy
By Samuel Beckett
Interpreted by Grunion Guy

There was a man named Murphy who didn't quite fit in. Or more precisely, he couldn't quite fit in. Or closer to the truth, he just wouldn't quite fit in.

There was also a man named Neary who couldn't teach Murphy to love in the unrequited way that Neary loved the woman who loved a man who loved a woman who loved a man who loved a woman who loved Neary.

There was a woman named Celia who couldn't quite make it work with Murphy. At least she couldn't get Murphy to work so that their relationship could. And the kind of work that Celia did worked completely against the bounds of a relationship.

The problem, thought Celia, was that Murphy wouldn't work. Work would keep them bound. The problem, thought Murphy, was that he had tried to work and it didn't. Work would be their undoing.

But Murphy allowed for one more chance at work, for Celia had become common in his life and he felt he should make a minimal effort to keep her around. He'd trust his fate to the stars except he didn't have the money even for a reading. Celia would just have to be happy with his thinking about an attempt at finding work.

Celia wasn't. So Celia and Murphy parted because she wanted him to be other than he was and he wanted her to love just what she saw. Murphy also didn't seem to be bothered one way or the other if Celia stayed or she went.

There was an old man named Kelly who dreamt of flying a kite. He advised Celia to be rid of Murphy but knew love wouldn't let her hear him.

So Celia brought Murphy his horoscope hoping it would help her side. But when Murphy saw that it bade him wait, Celia denied its portents.

And once again it would seem they would part if one of them wouldn't give. Murphy waited for her to give. And waited. And waited. She wouldn't. So Murphy sighed and put on a clean shirt.

Meanwhile the woman whom Neary loved grew tired of chasing the man she loved and suddenly accepted Neary's advances. But being completely happy did not make Neary completely happy and so he declared himself unworthy of love.

At that time, the man whom the woman Neary loved loved had grown tired of chasing the woman he loved and so Neary's love found love with the man she loved and things were set back to rights.

There was also a woman named Miss Couniban whose heart belonged to Murphy. Neary met her and fell in love and, once again, became completely happy in the abject misery of unrequited love.

Miss Counihan spurned all his advances because Murphy was meant for her. Even though she had not heard from him since he went off to find his fortune for it seemed he could not write and make good at the same time. Miss Counihan was understanding of the missing missives because she'd rather be hopeful than miserable.

Miss Counihan would not budge from love. Until four months later when she ran into Neary again and suggested that perhaps she might see her way to possibly advancing a romance with Neary if proof were shown that Murphy had renounced his love for her. She would also make exceptions for his death, poverty, unfaithfulness, possibly cleanliness, perhaps even if he'd grown a slight beard or had taken to wearing shirts she wasn't used to.

There was a drunk named Cooper who Neary sent to London to find out what he could of Murphy while Neary waited for word in Dublin keeping watch on Miss Counihan's hotel. Cooper searched many glasses of beer for Murphy but could not find him.

There was a man named Wilie who also worshiped Miss Counihan from afar. While Neary had only Murphy to deal with, Wilie also had Neary to be rid of.

Weeks later, Cooper lost Murphy and Neary despaired until an old student named Wilie came to his rescue.

Wilie concocted a plan that would remove Neary to London to deal with Cooper and Murphy leaving Wilie alone in Dublin to sing the praises of Neary to Miss Counihan.

There once was a woman named Miss Carridge who was the landlady of the apartment where Murphy and Celia moved in together. She was probably important in some way or another.

For five months, while Celia avoided the outside world because its debate argued strongly in favour of Murphy's anti-work philosophy, Murphy wandered within it, not quite looking for a job, but absolutely avoiding conflict with Celia.

There once was a waitress named Vera who was apathetically complicit in Murphy's defrauding a caterer of 0.83 cups of tea. But what was it to her should her employers not get the full amount of the highway robbery profit they extracted from simple customers each and every day? Besides, she could not resist Murphy's surgical quality.

There once was a post-alcoholic man who mattered little except as a playing piece to further Murphy's fate. Somehow, his name was Austin Ticklepenny and he had previously enjoyed writing non-rhyming rhymes.

There once was a German doctor named Fist who sent Ticklepenny to an asylum to find work in the hopes of curing him of his doggerel and his drink.

With no drink and no time to compose, Ticklepenny became a new man. But now, he told Murphy, his work as a custodian for lunatics was driving him mad. A vacancy in the position was needed as soon as a replacement could be found to fill it.

Murphy saw in this job a fulfillment of his star's wishes and agreed to take Ticklepenny's position, leaving Ticklepenny and Vera to settle the bill however they pleased.

Because Celia had Murphy and Murphy, Celia, old man Kelly now had nobody.

Because Miss Counihan thought she had Murphy though Murphy had forgotten about her, Neary now had nobody.

Because Neary and Murphy were both lost in London, Wylie had Miss Counihan all to himself. And although she insisted her heart belonged to Murphy, it seemed she didn't mind giving most nearly everything else over to Wylie's ministrations.

There once was a man who had no name. Celia knew him by the sounds he made pacing his room above her head. Until the day Murphy met Ticklepenny when the man with no name suddenly made no more sounds.

In the face of this shocking thing, the last thing Celia now cared about was that Murphy had found a job. And Murphy only cared about the job because Celia had cared about Murphy getting a job.

So here, in the middle, nobody was happy. Mostly because everybody wanted something from someone that didn't want something from them in return. But they all seemed to believe that having put some effort toward loving a person that had constantly failed to love them back was reason enough to put even more effort into pursuing that person until they no longer knew why they loved the person they loved only that they would be damned if all of their efforts were going to go to waste.

[unfinished. sad face]

Red Lanterns #31

Because Guy Gardner gets pants. #YesAllWomen

Judge Red is on the loose and I think she needs a theme song. But the only theme song bouncing around in my head is from What's Happening and it doesn't have any lyrics. And since I can't parody music without being able to change "love" into "drugs" and "you" into "Jew", I'll just have to let the What's Happening? theme song stand on its own as the song playing in my head whenever Judge Red appears on the page. Hopefully you'll enjoy that experience now as well!

In the last issue of Supergirl, Atrocitus and Dex-Starr were about to convince Judge Red that they were the coolest gang in the universe and that the other gang of Reds were total putzes. Supergirl had gone off to fetch her tub of blood in the hopes that a nice long soak would make Judge Red less insane. We now continue with "I am the Law Unless That Title Will Get Us Sued and Then the Story Should Just Be Called 'Law. I Am It.'"

This issue begins with Judge Red judging Atrocitus which Dex-Starr does not care for.

If my cats could make constructs, I'm fairly certain I'd wake with this on my face every morning.

Cats are tiny and fuzzy and adorable and we outweigh them by hundreds of pounds and yet I still laugh every time I see somebody shopping for only cat food at three in the morning. If these fuckers had power rings, humans would be done for.

While Atrocitus thinks telling Judge Red that he made her and thus she owes him everything is a good approach to winning her over, Supergirl informs Guy Gardner that she has a plan. But she doesn't have time to tell Guy the plan because fuck Guy Gardner and his pants. Guy has more material in his upturned collar than Supergirl and Bleez have in their outfits put together! I do like that Supergirl has a mask though because it's adorable. Although Bleez has one to. Why do female Red Lanterns have to hide their faces?

Supergirl's plan is to rip the back storeroom full of Blood Lake Blood out of the Kaalvar Interplanetary Bar and rip it open over Judge Red's head. I know that in previous issues, Red Lanterns were submerged for fairly decent periods of time before they had their sanity restored. I'm not sure how effective raining blood down upon Judge Red's head will be. Or what kind of side effects the blood will have on everybody else it lands on.

Luckily Supergirl will never have to find out how many lives the Blood ruins. The opposite of luckily, Atrocitus now has a bar storeroom full of a substance that he can draw immense power from. Although Judge Red already took a few hits from the blood before Atrocitus began controlling it. So hopefully she's currently becoming sane enough to realize the cute little kitty is more evil than the adorable Kryptonian bum.

As long as Atrocitus can't suddenly make Kryptonite, I think Kara has this.

When Gardner saw Atrocitus controlling the blood, his first suggestion was to retreat. Now when Atrocitus sees Supergirl set fire to the Blood Ocean causing a huge bloody firestorm tornado cyclone swirly thing, his first suggestion is to retreat. These fucking Red Lanterns have got no spines! They can dish the angry holier than thou righteous fury but they can't sit down and enjoy a plate of it served up from somebody else! There must be an easier way to say that.

Look at that! Another person who can't enjoy a three course meal of her favorite dish, Hitting People in the Face.

I wonder what Twat Lobo is up to right now?

Skallox comes through with a little Blood Magic of his own and with the help of holding hands, he puts out the fire and sends the blood back up into the sky and somewhere else. Maybe it's back on board the Kaalvar Bar and Grill. After that disaster is averted, Guy Gardner comes up with a new plan. It's one of Superman's favorite plans.

Batman likes this plan a lot too.

Before Charles Soule can prove he can write a decent fight scene, Atrocitus mentions Rankorr's name and things devolve into conversation. Again! Fuck! Can't this Soule do any real comic book writing? Why doesn't anybody fight in his comic books?! What a hack!

Anyway, Atrocitus offers to trade Rankorr for Judge Red without any fighting at all. And Guy seriously considers negotiating with this monster. But Judge Red interrupts with some sane words. She feels she knows what Atrocitus wants and now she must learn what Gardner wants. So she, of her own volition, chooses to stay with Supergirl's Bum. The Cat and the Teeth decide to take their leave.

At least Rankorr will still be more useful alive than dead after this confrontation.

Guy's next plan is to rescue Rankorr. That's why Rankorr is still useful! As bait for the trap!

Red Lanterns #31 Rating: +2 Ranking. How did this become the best Lantern book?! Although I say that as somebody who has never liked Hal Jordan because he always reminded me of the popular kids in high school that would treat me kindly and not make fun of me at all and just go about living their own lives while not hurting or humiliating anybody else. The self-righteous jerk!

Red Lanterns #30

Dex-Starr should be the most powerful creature in the universe. I can't think of anything I'd want to piss off less than an angry, stray tomcat. And this one vomits lava and has a Red Lantern ring.

I guess everything in my life and everything in the world is perfect because I can't think of anything to bitch about. Hallelujah! Praise Allah/God/Yahweh/Ganeesha/Odin/Zeus/Buddha/Me!

So last issue, Bleez had just face-planted into Ysmault. From orbit. So she's all kinds of fucked up. But she was able to warn the other Red Lanterns that Atrocitus was behind her fall from grace. I mean space. Good thing the Red Lanterns have Supergirl on their team now! Although Guy Gardner has already beaten the shit out of Atrocitus once. Why is everybody so scared? Why is everyone so frightened? Why is every one of them terrified?

To explain why I just typed that last sentence three separate ways would be to describe the last five minutes of my life in excruciatingly boring detail. And since I'm simply not going to assume that everybody (or everyone (or every one of you)) wants to experience the peaks and valleys of my interminable existence, I shall leave it at this paragraph and be done with it.

This issue begins detailing the daily life of the Judge Judy and Burt the Bailiff of the planet Primeen.

This issue begins with Charles Soule writing more legal shit. Doesn't he get that out of his system over in She-Hulk? He's also writing about the incredibly boring legal process in Swamp Thing as well! Hey Charles Soule! Not everybody is interested in the excruciatingly boring details of your legal career! Write about when you were living on the highways of America, getting your money and your meals as a lot lizard! Writing poems on the streets for change in downtowns all across the states! Write about that time you fell in love with an elephant at the Portland Zoo, snuck in after closing, and fucked it in the ass! Only to realize afterward that it was the wrong elephant and the one you loved was watching from twenty feet away with a tear in its eye? No, you'd probably rather write about the legal process that you went through after getting caught banging elephants, right?! Boring!

It turns out that whatever Charles Soule writes about is interesting (as if we all didn't already know that). Judge Sheko realizes, year after year, until she's wrinkled and grey and yellower, that justice means nothing on Primeen. The judge has no power but to judge according to the wealth and power of the accused. Her job is nothing but ritual and tradition devoid of any true justice. Primeen may well have placed a goldfish on the judge's bench and the system would not have been bothered at all. Except that a goldfish can't bang a gavel, so how would anybody know when any case was over?

The King is not happy with this injustice!

Sheko's bailiff isn't as loyal as Burt is to Judge Judy, so instead of shooting the Prince, he turns and shoots Sheko. And that is the end of justice on Primeen! I suppose this story will relate to the Atrocitus getting vengeance on his old partners somewhere down the line. Probably having something to do with this story being called "Judgment Day" or something! Sheko is probably pretty pissed off about all this injustice and shit. But for now, let us return to Ysmault where Bleez eats Jello in her hospital bed.

Bleez wants to go rescue Rankorr but Guy Gardner wants to search for the seven Red Rings and the hosts they may have found. But since Guy Gardner made it clear that the Reds have no leader, Bleez tells Gardner to fuck off. She's going to do what she wants. Seems like a stupid idea to me. Rankorr stayed behind so she'd have a chance to warn the others. But just warning them and then going back to die makes it seem like she hasn't thought this through very well. I think she has a concussion from slamming her face into Ysmault. But then Bleez meets Supergirl and decides to stay and do her nails with her. And by "decides", I mean realizes that she can't get past a Kryptonian since she doesn't happen to have any Kryptonite on her, so she gets back in bed to answer Kara's questions.

But first, a new Red Lantern is born!

Meet your newest Red Lantern, Lantern Judge Judy of Primeen!

Sheko seems pretty coherent for a brand new Red Lantern. Maybe it's because she's older and wiser than most people that attain a Red Ring. Or perhaps it's just that her rage, focused like a laser on righting the wrongs of a terribly unjust legal system, is easily controlled and directed. Personally, I suspect it has something to do with becoming a Red Lantern while submerged in the waters of the Water Court acting much like the Blood Lake on Ysmault. She's granted a kind of clarity that even the other Red Lanterns won't have because she regained her sentience by a different means.

Judge Red Lantern finds everybody in the Water Court guilty and sentences them all to become puddles of blood. Whose team will she wind up on?!

Zilius Zox fixes up the Red Lantern Bar (which is also a ship) so it has the capability to hunt down the seven new Red Lanterns being created. They locate one in Sector 775 and it seems to be one of the most powerful Red Lanterns they've ever encountered. I wonder if they'll refer to her as Judge Red? I'd smell a possible lawsuit forming but I'm sure Charles Soule has taken every precaution under the law to distance himself from the fact that he's just recreated Judge Dredd. Damn it feels good to be a lawya!

The Red Lanterns immediately head out to catch this new Red because they've gotta catch 'em all. They also brought a big vat of blood from the Blood Lake to dunk the new recruit in to make her sane. Looks like they're in for a big surprise! Let's hope none of these Reds are guilty of anything!

As Guy and the others descend on Primeen, Charles Soule, once again, shows just how much violence a comic book needs without wasting six pages on a battle that doesn't fucking matter. He gets the necessary amount out of the way before getting right back to writing. Don't worry! He's new and enjoying the act of writing tons of comic books a month. Pretty soon he'll realize he can make just as much money by writing "five pages of battle" on a script as he does writing five pages of dialogue.

I actually hope that day never comes but, well, I don't trust anybody when it comes to, well, anything, really.

Here, Soule writes Guy Gardner how people should be writing Superman. Why the fuck does Superman constantly get pulled into battles when he's fucking invulnerable? This should be every scene with Superman? Antagonists: "POW POW POW!" Superman, yawning: "Are you done yet?"

Atrocitus and Dex-Starr have only just arrived. They have yet to make contact with Judge Red, so Guy and his gang aren't completely out of the running yet! Next chapter will be the fight to convince Judge Red which team is least guilty.

Red Lanterns #30 Rating: +2 Ranking. How many times do I have to stick my tongue up Charles Soule's ass? This fucker can write. If you see his name on a book, just pick it up because it's good. I'll simply end this with a picture of my boots because as I took a break to go get some iced tea while reading this, I realized I basically wear Red Lantern boots.

You can't see the shoelaces very clearly. The pattern on them is a pink star followed by a skull and crossbones with a little pink bow on the skull.

Red Lanterns #25

Really? Hal is giving The Red Lanterns Sector 2814 to patrol? What a dick.

The issue begins with Itro the Megamonster destroying Downtown Goswam on Shoum. Itro has become a Red Lantern because every other member of Itro's species was killed by the people of Shoum. The people of Shoum insist they had to do it to save themselves because Itro's megamonster people were using up all the resources and they were too large to fit in any of the buildings where the Global Summits were held. But the Narration boxes giving the two halves of the story are trying to clue me in that the real problem isn't as black and white as either side might think. That's too bad for them because now the problem resides in that bloody, violent red area in-between.

Back on Ysmault, Guy Gardner confirms that Hal Jordan doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself and how much glory he can obtain.

I have a feeling Hal is actually going to have a problem with this. They never did actually discuss which Sector the Reds would get.

Guy gives Rankorr a quick tutorial about Space Sectors and the Guardians and how the Green Lanterns can't screw with Earth now. Somebody had better tell Simon Baz about this deal before the Reds find out about him. Guy points out how one third of the Red Lanterns are from Earth which means all the other Red Lanterns must be dead. It's just Guy, Rankorr, Bleez, Skallox, Ratchet, and Zilius Zox. Rankorr points out that there used to be another member from Earth: Dex-Starr. Skallox points out that Gardner had better hope Dex-Starr never comes back because that cat is going to be super pissed.

Guy, Guy, Guy. Cats are the best pukers in the universe. And now you've made enemies with one that pukes lava.

Meanwhile out in Sector 1107, Dex-Starr and Atrocitus are hunting for one of the Red Rings that Atrocitus sent out to find new recruits. It looks like they've found the one that chose Itro. Now they just have to wrest it from his humongous fingers.

The Red Lanterns decide that they need to make a big debut to get everybody's attention in Sector 2814. So they decide to take out an evil dictator named Gensui on the planet Kormorax. Even if they manage to defeat this guy, I don't know how that makes a big splash on all the other civilized planets. If they're all as narcissistic as Earth, they'll never even notice! I mean, not that it's Earth's fault that they wouldn't notice. Even if Earthlings weren't completely up their own asses, they still don't have the kind of technology capable of letting them know what the Red Lanterns are up to many light years away. I think eventually they're just going to have to go with a heavy leaflet campaign.

To invade this planet, the Red Lanterns decide to try subterfuge and trickery as opposed to violence and more violence. Rankorr creates an illusion to look like the pirate that used to fly the Red Lanterns' new home because the pirate is good friends with Gensui. The main part of the plan is to kidnap Gensui and then tell Gensui to surrender. The next part of the plan is I don't fucking know. Maybe take him on tour so he can tell everybody how the Red Lanterns defeated him and how they'll defeat you too if you don't behave?

But eventually they realize that Gensui has just been fucking with them because the Pirate Barg (who was last seen thrown into space by Guy Gardner) has been on Kormorax this whole time. So it looks like the trap backfired! Next time, just go with the spraying hot lava vomit on everything.

Red Lanterns #25 Rating: No change. What the fuck do the Red Lanterns think they're doing? Playing Role-playing games? I think Guy is trying to turn them into some kind of Justice League and probably thought this was the kind of plan Batman would come up with, disguising himself as Matches Malone to break some mob woman out of Blackgate Prison or something. But now they're in the middle of a huge army with just the five of them to defend themselves. Luckily Zilius Zox remained on the ship. Or maybe unluckily! He might have been the first one killed! Also, I should remind my future self that Ratchet's ring was trying to slip off of his tentacle this issue but Ratchet pleaded with it not to go yet. Is Ratchet getting soft?!

Red Lanterns #24

What a surprise. Hal's "talk" turns into a fistfight with Guy. And is Guy dual wielding Red Lantern rings?

Being a super hero is like being the drunk asshole forced out of the bar at closing time to suddenly mix with everybody else on the street. Sooner or later, somebody is going to say something that the drunk can use as an excuse to start throwing punches. If real life disagreements or conflicts ended in violence at the same rate as in comic books, we'd all be walking around with black eyes and fat lips. Physically beating somebody to a pulp doesn't mean you've won the argument. It means you've completely failed to counter the other person's argument so you decided to change the battle's weapons from words to fists. I suppose some people think of that as an effective way to resolve problems. Of course, those people are stupid assholes.

This issue begins on Earth.

I mean Ysmault! It's easy to get confused when DC can't even get their space sectors right. Ysmault is in Space Sector 666. A reader pointed out that this information I've been working with (that Ysmault is in Sector 666) is wrong! I was led astray by Red Lanterns #1 which gave me the wrong information. And that was when I was naive and actually trusted everything DC was telling me about their own universe!

In New Guardians #24, the Indigo Lantern planet of Nok was also said to be in Earth's sector of 2814. Since I don't actually know where Nok is located, I didn't mention it because I thought there was a possibility it could be correct. Now I'm not so sure!

Last issue Bleez caught Guy Gardner screaming into his Green Lantern Ring for Hal Jordan to come drag his ass off of the universal dump that is Ysmault. They have a discussion that doesn't involve putting their hands on each other. It's possible that since Red Lanterns know that any physical confrontation will inevitably end in one of the participants being killed, they see violence amongst themselves as a last resort. Whereas with the usual super heroes, they just love to test their limits against each other because they're mostly sure that nobody will die. So what harm is there in seeing if you can get a really good lick in on The Batman? Although Batman won't hesitate to break bones, so heroes should try to avoid poking him with a Batstick.

See? When fighting ends in death, more people resort to talking!

Guy decides to come clean about his real reasons for having come to Ysmault. The other Red Lanterns don't take it so well but whatever they were going to do about it is interrupted by Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps' surprise visit! That probably makes his revelation that he's done with the Green Lantern Corps seem a little less than honest.

Meanwhile in deep space, Atrocity and Dex-starr share a moment.

Oh, how cu...seriously? The Atrocity Butcher? Luckily that name doesn't last long as Kyle Rayner comes along to corral the Butcher.

Back on Ysmault, the Red Lanterns decide to defend their world from the assault by The Green Lanterns. Seems reasonable. But the Green Lanterns don't have much power, so Hal tells them to simply defend themselves while he tries to talk with Guy Gardner. That works out decently enough with Hal suffering only a fat lip before Guy decides to hear him out.

Guy wasn't really making a joke. He was just pointing out how easily he could be killed at any moment by one of the other Red Lanterns. I guess that's just funny to Hal.

What does Guy Gardner want in exchange for helping Hal defeat Relic? The Red Lanterns get their own sector to do with as they see fit. Guy says where they'll be the law but we all know that "the law" means nothing to a bunch of Red Lanterns. Luckily for Hal Jordan, the easiest sector to give them is the one in which Ysmault resides: 666. And that's pretty much a dead sector thanks to The Guardians' Manhunters many, many years ago. So while Hal is selling out a Sector and taking away its protectors (although, seriously, good riddance!), at least it's a sector that doesn't need much protecting. Probably. 2814. Which means Hal really is going to have to sell out some other sector! Unless he just picks 666 because of all that struck out nonsense.

And out on the edge of the Omniverse, Relic is trying to penetrate the Source Wall. He's on his 42nd try with his automatic ramming piston but, once again, he fails to get off. But Kyle and the Bohemian Guardians arrive to help! For some reason, Kyle also wants to now bring down the Source Wall. Perhaps it's to free up the emotional spectrum trapped on the other side? Because right now, the Lanterns need batteries to tap into the power. But once the power is freed, they won't need the stupid batteries anymore! Right? And there will be some other comic book reason that will prove to Relic that his theory about the Lightswitches killing the universe was wrong! I bet he finds out that they were actually helping to maintain the universe by siphoning off power in much the same way that The Flash helps keep the Speed Force under control by using up the excess built-up power.

Red Lanterns #24 Rating: No change. If Guy Gardner is going to remain a Red Lantern, he's going to have to make up with Atrocitus somehow. Or maybe Atrocitus and Dex-Starr will become the villains of Sector 666 Whatever Sector The Red Lanterns Get. Probably not. I have no idea where the Red Lanterns will go from here. But hopefully they'll stop getting dragged into all of the Green Lantern Corps' cosmic crises!