Batman #87

James Tynion IV and Guillem March team up to make me stop buying Batman.

Part of me just wants to write "UGH!" and be done with reviewing this comic book. But another part of me is hungry. But still another part of me, the one that is against just typing "UGH!", is outraged that I just paid five dollars for a regular issue of Batman because of a stupid glossy and thick cover and that part of me demands that I vent more fully. And yet that's not even why I'm fucking livid! That's just my first and most shallow complaint! I'd prefer if DC Comics just gave me a regular issue of Batman with a regular comic book cover and simply printed on that cover, "We know this is the exact same quality comic book that we'd sell for $3.99 usually but it has Batman in it which means it will sell way more copies than the other issues we sell and we want that sweet, sweet extra dollar per issue windfall!"

Complaint #2: The Riddler believes that a riddle without a solution is the greatest riddle.

Never mind that Guillem March drew The Riddler naked while he's thinking about the greatest riddle ever while on weapons grade amphetamines and he has no visible erection. That's a minor side complaint that I simply assume was on everybody's list of things wrong with this issue. But the revelation that James Tynion IV doesn't understand the concept of riddles is beyond criticism. It's post-critical! The entire purpose of a riddle is that it has a fucking clever answer! A riddle with no answer is a mystery and The Riddler isn't called The Mysteryer! A riddle with no answer is something The Mad Hatter might be into but not The Riddler, Mr. Scott-Snyder-Lite IV! And before some Riddler-loving cuck nerd decides to argue that what Tynion meant was that The Riddler loves a super duper challenging riddle, let me say this: "Then he should have fucking wrote that in the dialogue, shouldn't he have? Not that a 'riddle with no solution' is 'a riddle befitting a riddler.' But 'a riddle with a fucking super tough and challenging solution' is 'a riddle befitting a riddler.' Now go jerk off to your tepid Riddler sex role play Tumblr blog."

Just an aside about my use of the word 'cuck': it's just fucking funny to use! The only good thing the terrible incel Internet community (unless I mean the MRA community (unless I mean the PUA community (it probably doesn't matter. They probably mostly share the middle area in a Venn diagram))) has done for this world is to bring back the insult "cuck." I don't even care about using it in the historically accurate way! I don't actually care if Riddler fans' spouses have a little extra side of ass on the down low. It's just fun to say! Plus, if you say it to the kind of person who actually thinks "cuck" is a scathing insult, they get super fucking angry when called one! It's Goddamned hilarious.

Complaint #3: Guillem March's depiction of The Riddler.

Yes, yes. March fixes my whole "The Riddler doesn't have a visible erection" problem from the first scan by implying one with his Riddle Wand here. But the main problem is why did March think The Riddler suddenly needed to look like Bernie Wrightson's Anton Arcane? The Riddler has always just been a skinny creep who was so into getting punched in the face by a muscular man in a bat costume that he planted clues that would ensure it happened. But I guess March has decided that his obsession needed to be mirrored in his physical appearance? Or is it a kind of pervasive attitude that Batman is such a scary and serious fucking cartoon hero that his villainous gallery of rogues has to be just as wickedly serious and horrific? Sometimes it feels like fans still feel as if the Batman television show was some kind of pernicious poison that, to this day, needs continual application of anti-toxin. "Batman isn't silly and his villains shouldn't be either," scream the rabid base of comic book fans that take this shit way too seriously.

Hey! Fuck you! I'm angry for valid reasons and not stupid comic book fan reasons! Don't try to use my own words against me!

Complaint #3: Guillem March's depiction of The Penguin.

See my previous argument for Complaint #2. Although there's a history of making The Penguin as creepy and fucked up as possible because nobody needs the image of Burgess Meredith playing The Penguin to already come to the conclusion that a short dapper fat man with a bird obsession isn't the most intimidating villain, even with the mob attitude and homicidal tendencies.

Complaint #4: Batman and Catwoman's banter.

My main complaint with this conversation is that Batman and Catwoman never once argue about whether they met on a boat or on the street. I thought that was how they always began conversations! Also, they don't call each other "Bat" and "Cat." I'm sure a lot of people are thrilled about this change. But to me, it's a slow reset to getting them back to a relationship that denies the strength of their love and commitment to each other. They're slipping back into professional modes of communication! Next thing you know, we'll find out that Alfred didn't really die! It was Clayface the entire time and Alfred simply let people believe he was dead so he could have a peaceful vacation for once in his long life of servitude to an obsessed man-boy with too much money.

Okay, that's enough poking fun at Tom King and the people who hated Tom King. I'm sure I'll get my fill of the Bat/Cat relationship whenever King's Bat Loves Cat comic book comes out. Let me be serious about my complaint in this paragraph (although not the kind of serious where I'm a comic book fan taking shit too seriously! The kind of "serious" where I pretend to be in an apoplectic rage which convinces a number of casual readers into thinking things like "This fucking Lobo fanboy wants to fuck Lobo in the face" and "Why is this nerd so obsessed with Supergirl's butthole? Can't he get a real woman down at the real club where he probably dances like a fucking dreamboat?"). Batman is supposed to be the World's Greatest Detective and yet he engages in stupid retorts like "What makes you think I don't have that device?" You fucking imbecile! What makes her think that was expressly stated by Catwoman when she said you wouldn't have needed to ask her if she was still with the body! Also, even Batman can't have that technology because it would take magic to use that technology and Batman is against magic which is why he keeps Kryptonite on hand to defeat Superman instead of the Ace of Winchesters.

Side Complaint #4: Guillem March draws asses in the uncanny valley. He wants you to know they're sexy asses that do more than poop and fart. But he tries too hard to make them sexy and they fall into the uncanny valley of sexy asses. Those are asses where you go, "No, no. I can see that that ass is sexy but I am not in any way going to put my tongue into it."

Complaint #5: The villains' plan is so complex that it relies on things that couldn't have been planned for happening.

This is a standard complaint of mine and such a comic book trope that I probably should have gotten over being upset by it twenty years ago. I suppose it's why I stopped reading comic books for ten of those twenty years though. A bunch of assassins planned to get caught so that one of them could escape so that Batman would be distracted by that one while the others escaped. Batman falls for it although this time there's a twist to a plan so well planned that it works no matter what the hero does: this plan was stolen! This plan was originally the Penguin's plan and he recognized it when the first part fell into place: five assassins came to Gotham and were caught by Batman. Yeah, see? That was part of this stupid plan! So at least The Penguin is going to interfere with this awesome plan. Although, being that the plan was so well planned, the person who stole the plan probably planned for The Penguin to recognize the plan and to interfere. So The Penguin interfering is probably now part of the overall plan.

Complaint #6: Batman builds a prison that even he can't get out of which means Deathstork gets out of it immediately.

Every time, right? Every time a hero does something that is super duper foolproof to the nth degree of foolproofness, they get fooled! Fool the DC villains once, shame on the DC villains. Fool the DC Villains twice, and, well, you know what? That's never actually happened because they've never actually been fooled once. They only get fooled in the ultimate issue of a story arc when the hero decides maybe they should redouble their efforts and buck up their willpower and believe in themselves slightly more than they did in the previous five issues.

Complaint #7: A Cheshire-sized clay body double was captured by Batman, hauled into custody by police, and locked up without anybody noticing.

Batman uses the word "clay" so I'm assuming we're supposed to believe this is some kind of non-Clayface clayface body double? Some kind of mindless automaton that walks and moves and blinks and breathes and acts exactly like a living person? Sure, it's not presented in that way. But the audience has to assume some level of intelligent trickery went down here or else they're going to read this and think, "Batman was fooled by a squishy, drippy sex doll? This is worse for the Batman mythos than when Kevin Smith had Batman confess to peeing his pants!"

Complaint #8: Both Deathstork and Cheshire tell Batman they're "playing a game."

Why do they call their terrible and vicious crimes a game? It's bullshit to make everything the villains do some kind of contest pitted against Batman. It inherently makes super hero comics less about trying to make the world a better place and more about how heroes are the cause of all of the trouble because the villains' only ever expressed motive is to best the heroes. It's lazy and ultimately damaging to the entire medium. Yes, I said the entire medium! That's not hyperbole! But that was facetiousness!

Complaint #9: Cheshire wears see-through undies and we never get to see them from the front.

Okay fine. Not all of March's asses are in the uncanny valley. That one is staunchly in the valley of cans. Sweet, sweet cans.

Complaint #10: Batman kills Cheshire.

Sure, sure. Cheshire is still talking after getting creamed by a semi truck so Batman didn't really kill her. But he should have killed her doing this and the only way we accept that she isn't dead after smashing her face into an advancing semi is because we, the reader, know Batman doesn't kill. Maybe Batman lovers would defend this as an accident brought on by Cheshire herself. But then what is Batman's defense in letting her get smashed by a truck instead of saving her from being smashed by a truck in the amount of time it takes him to smugly say, "Brace yourself"? This fits into my belief that Batman has killed dozens of people but they die later at the hospital after which he can pin the deaths on the doctors who failed to save them from the mortal injuries Batman gave them.

Side Complaint #10: Cheshire's last words are asking Batman how he survived her poison. I mean, she's obviously dying here and that's all she cares about? I would think she'd be all, "Tell my daughter I love her! ACK!"

Batman #87 Rating: C. I think I made my points. My main problem now is that I've declared I'm going to stop buying Batman but I'm not the sort of person who avoids staring at train wrecks.

Batman Eternal #9

Yay! My two favorite characters: Batman of Japan and Swallow! Or whatever his sidekick's name is. Does she count as a favorite character if I can't remember her name?

I wrote a thing about twenty years ago. It was a retelling of the movie Heathers in a kind of epic storytelling format. It was meant to be spoken aloud and told to a group, perhaps over a campfire or a fresh kill. I wanted to show how important the story had been to me, to try to convey how it spoke to me, and to generally celebrate movies as our modern myths. Too often popular entertainment is lambasted by adults and pseudo-intellectuals. I wanted to show how much could be gotten from a movie when a movie burrowed under your skin. I wrote the entire thing at work on a yellow legal pad and avoided watching the movie again to get any lines right or to discover other scenes that might fit with the story I told. I wanted it to come from that place it had set up shop deep in my psyche; I wanted to write about the Heathers that was real and true to me. If you're curious about it, you can Google search "heathers pop epic." I was also reading a lot of Douglas Coupland at the time which might shine through a bit.

For a long time after writing that, I kept toying with the idea of doing a version for another movie that imprinted itself on my brain, The Breakfast Club. One of the things that first bothered me upon seeing the movie was how everybody pairs up except for The Brain who is then convinced to write the essay for them. For a long time, it was just a joke I'd bring up about the movie and how much bullshit that was. But inside, I kept asking myself, "Why?" And eventually I realized the movie was all about power and shifts of power. One of the more brilliant scenes in the movie is when the lowly janitor reveals his true power of being unseen, thus becoming the eyes and ears of the school. The give and take of power between the kids and the institution, between the kids and their parents, and ultimately between the kids themselves drive the movie. It's a fairly obvious observation but one that still didn't allow me to have the breakthrough for why The Brain winds up taking on the extra work. But when it clicked, I finally I had the structure to do a Pop Epic for The Breakfast Club. At the end of the movie, the person with the greatest power is the one that tells the story. It is the writer. It is, ultimately, John Hughes. That Pop Epic can be seen here in Web Comic Format. I sometimes think of doing a text only version of it but I just can't think of the essay being separated from Lord Fondlerot as the principal. I think I photoshopped the two months of detention hand signal pretty fucking well!

I bring these things up because I've been considering writing my third Pop Epic which would be based on Mulan. While it's easy to say upon the release of each new Disney cartoon "Now that was my favorite Disney cartoon!", Mulan has remained my favorite unlike the others. Prior to Mulan, I think Beauty and the Beast held the top spot. My friend Daniel Justice wasn't a huge fan of Mulan because it didn't have a great villain like Skeletor or Blanche Devereaux. But that's what I loved about it. The enemy was not Agent Albert Rosenberg but the culture and Mulan's belief in filling the proper roles within that culture. This was another movie which left me asking "Why?" after seeing it. This time, it was why did Mulan have to defeat the Huns twice? And in the answer to that question lies the theme of my third Pop Epic.

But until I get around to writing that, I think I'll write about Batman of Japan and Sparrow! But first let's catch up on the situation in Gotham City! But first first, let me just say it didn't take me fifteen fucking years to answer that Mulan question, okay, you smart asses? I just recently decided that Mulan could work as another Pop Epic. Jesus Christ, you have to over-explain everything on the internet or some know-it-all asshole is going to try to point out how fucking stupid and ignorant you are! Okay, now let's check in on Gotham!

Hey! That's what I said Batman should start doing! Taking the fucking cash for himself!

Turns out it was Catwoman doing the stealing and not Batman because Catwoman is much smarter than Batman. She knows how to truly hurt the Evil Mr. Smartypantses. They don't offer healthcare, so putting their thugs in the hospital isn't much of a hindrance. There are always more amoral assholes ready to make an illegal buck to take the place of anybody injured. But if you take the cash, that's hurting the Evil Mr. Smartypantses right in the pants! The pocketbook part of the pants and not the crotch part of the pants!

Last issue I thought Catwoman was in Hong Kong when Batman arrived. But now it seems like it must have been Batman of Japan that I mistook for Catwoman. I'm not sure how I managed to do that. I guess you know how some people say they don't see color? I don't see gender! Or, to be more accurate before some smart-off internet asshole gets on my case, I don't see secondary sexual characteristics! Not pubic hair! I mean breasts! Anyway, if I was trying to identify somebody by their pubic hair, I would have recognized Batman of Japan instantly because his pubic hair would have been pixelated! Maybe! The internet big mouths can have that one for free! Come at me with your facts!

Oh look! I guess I do notice breasts! British breasts! Is that Felicity Kendal?

Batman and Batman of Japan head to Wayne Industries Hong Kong Headquarters where the roof is set aside for Batman Incorporated discussions. Canary (Canary! That was it!) is waiting for them along with Alfred of Japan, Master Hong. The Penthouse is a Hong Kong Batcave with a giant Koku and a huge Godzilla statue. I don't see its version of The Joker's playing card though. I guess Hong Kong doesn't have a version of The Joker. I'm glad it doesn't because it would probably be truly terrifying.

Canary seems to be able to grow large. I thought she was stuck as a tiny little thing which is why Batman of Japan was so desperate to get his hands on a shrink ray? Maybe I just forgot some plot point where she learned how to grow again. My mind isn't what it used to be and it used to be not very good at remembering things. That doesn't imply I'm better at remembering things! It implies that my brain is even worse now! Try to keep up! If you didn't understand that, realize that you can't even follow what an addle-minded middle-aged moron writes! Hmm, that's probably not a bad thing if you can't understand an addle-minded middle-aged moron! Sorry! You were right to misunderstand everything I go on and on about.

Batman and Batman of Japan decide to go ask the local gang boss, Shen Fang, what happened between he and Falcone. But as Batman infiltrates Shen Fang's hideout, he encounters the young British lass (or more probably the Hong Kong lass that learned British English) in the Catwomanesque outfit. And even though they're both after Shen Fang, she decides to battle Batman for dibs on who gets to kick Shen Fang's ass first. But that only gets her stabbed near the kidney.

If Batman asks if you're a certain person, you should probably answer, "What? Who? I'm not that!"

Batman begins asking Shen Fang questions punctuated by punching Shen Fang in the face. Shen Fang says, "I'll never talk!" And then one knee to the chin and two panels later, Shen Fang mutters, "Please. No more." Oh my god! How did this guy drive Falcone out of Hong Kong and take over the Criminal Underground Illegal Businesses Committee!?

Oh! That's how! Smart! I mean...pathetic!

Meanwhile in Gotham City, Catwoman falls for a trap set up by Falcone. You'd think she'd have some kind of Cat-sense that enables her to avoid traps like this one even if a cat can't resist a shiny bauble or two. She should have walked into the place she was about to burgle and thought, "Did I just hear somebody think about taking me to the vet? I'm fucking out of here!" And then she should have hid directly under the middle of the bed for the next five hours.

Even though this comic book is Eternal and Weekly, it's still allowed to end with an epilogue. And I'm glad it did because this one is a doozy!

Why Alfred! You cad!

I realize that just because her last name is Pennyworth it doesn't mean she has to be a child of Alfred's but isn't it great to believe that completely?! Sometimes you just have to kick cynicism in the balls and toss it out of the house for a bit so you can actually enjoy your own emotions and good feelings for awhile. I'm going to bask in the idea that Alfred is a dad for a bit now. I'll be back next week!

Batman Eternal #9 Rating: +2 Ranking. Even though Jiro wasn't front and center in this issue, I still love seeing him. He's my favorite character ever (as of this second. It'll change when I begin reading Batwing in a bit. No wait. I won't find any new favorite characters in Batwing. He'll still be my favorite until I read Aquaman and the Others. Oh wait. How about Green Arrow? Nope. Oh well. It looks like he'll be my favorite for at least a day or two!). Plus I actually felt tingly and alive when I read that "Julia Pennyworth" speech bubble. How can I get more of that kind of feeling out of life? Heroin maybe?

Batman Eternal #8

In this issue, Vicki Vale plagiarizes Lois Lane and wins a Goofy or whatever the fuck an award in journalism is called. An Inconsequential? A Dead Media? A Who the Fuck Cares Anymore?

I know what I'm talking about when I talk about dead media! I'm typing out words, aren't I? I'm rolling around in the stink of death simply by blogging. The age of the written word is dead! Nowadays it's all about rambling incoherently in front of a webcam or a microphone to later edit down the rambling into somewhat coherent rambling featuring all the best bits of near non-nonsense. Also, you need two or more people because it's easier to dialogue than to monologue. No matter how much a person pimps reading over viewing, that person is lying by how much they pimp reading over viewing. Reading on a phone is much harder than listening to a podcast or watching a vlog on a phone. Also, multitasking is impossible while reading. Actually, multitasking is impossible while doing anything but nobody is going to believe that because everybody is a narcissistic asshole that believes the busier they are, the more interesting they are. What multitasking actually does is make somebody do barely competent work on two things. Just try to remember a conversation you had with somebody while you were busy doing some other thing. Can't do it. But if you can, then you won't remember whatever the fuck you were doing while talking. You can multitask if one of the two tasks you've been doing so long you can now do by rote. But if you're reading and doing something else, it's like you never even read what you read. Sure, you can tell people you've now read War and Peace. But you'll never be able to discuss it coherently.

I think I was multitasking while writing that last paragraph because it seemed to have wandered away from whatever fucking point I was trying to make. On the plus side, I had a really shitty conversation with somebody I can't remember about something really important to them. Good times!

Oh! I remember what I was saying (I suppose I could have reread what I wrote to figure it out but who has time to reread things they've written? What am I? Some kind of self-congratulatory egomaniac?)! Writing is dead! So why do I keep doing it? I'll tell you why! Because I'm not dead and I need to fill these endless hours of ennui with some kind of fucking activity!

Currently in Batman Eternal (while you're reading this, pretend an androgynous figure with a perky haircut and slightly off-kilter cuteness is speaking it with their face jammed right up near the lens while lots of old horror movie posters and science fiction books and old action figures (uncarded!) fill up the shelves in the background), Batman Eternal (is that his new name? I guess so! It's on the cover!) is giving Falcone serious gas.

Those are some sharp fucking sideburns!

But Batman's just pushing rope all over Gotham. When Batman busts Falcone's men and ties them up for the police, the police merely let them go because the new Commissioner Forbes won't be a party to vigilantism. Also Falcone is paying Forbes good money to do whatever Falcone wants and Batman isn't paying Forbes any money at all. What Batman needs to do is steal everything that Falcone's men are stealing and stick it in a Batvault. Take as much of the local economy out of the economy and keep it for himself until Falcone falls. Don't let Falcone get a whiff of currency. Bruce can have Alfred tag it all and keep a database detailing what belongs to whom so that it can all be returned once things are back to normal, minus a percentage fee for safe keeping, of course. He should also be taking fingers! Batman has no problem severely maiming people, right? He should be cutting off a finger from every criminal he catches! Secret Origins said he wants to shock his enemies! I think wearing a necklace of fingers would be pretty shocking!

Bullock should at least pay some kids to throw bricks at them.

Falcone's men might not be in danger of being arrested but Falcone is still upset that his men are being hampered by The Batman. So he's setting a plan in motion that will teach Batman that Gotham is no longer his sexual partner. Gotham belongs to Falcone now. Except Batman has already had multiple people try to teach him this lesson. Bane. The Court of Owls. The Riddler. The Red Hood. The Penguin. Talia al Ghul. What makes Falcone think he's going to be any better at teaching The Batman? Batman's test scores in the subject of Gotham City Doesn't Belong to Batman are horrendous. Although will this lesson be the lesson where Batman is tied to the Bat Signal and Batman Eternal begins? No, that lesson began with "The End" and I don't think this weekly shit is anywhere near ending.

Falcone and Forbe's plan to stop Batman is to turn on the Batsignal and wait for him to appear on the roof.

After which all of the police will unload their shotguns, killing all of the other police unloading their shotguns across from them.

Jason Bard blows the capture on purpose by having one unit fire smoke grenades. Not only does it help Batman escape, it probably saves a bunch of lives before the police panic and begin accidentally killing each other. At least Batman learned he has a new friend on the force. Later, Batman decides to go on vacation in Hong Kong for a bit. But that's where Catwoman is vacationing! I thought they had decided to take separate vacations ever since Batman revealed that he's emotionally unavailable and only ever wants to see Catwoman when she's not robbing things and horny.

Batman Eternal #8 Rating: No change. This is probably the part of the "review" where I "review" the actual comic book. But I keep trying to remind everybody that this isn't a review site! This is where I read comic books and make fun of them as much as I can! If I was actually reviewing these things, I might offer one or two of them a reach around once in awhile while trying to convince them how special they are. Oh wait! I just thought of some things that Batman Eternal would probably love to hear while I am servicing it from the rear with my Bane Strap-on: "Welcome to Gotham. It's going to be a wild ride!" and (just a second as I hit the venom release button...AAAAAARRRRRGHHHHHH HERE I COME!) "Promises to redefine Gotham City as we know it." and "Has the potential to go down as one of The New 52's best ventures." I totally didn't plagiarize those from Lois Lane!

Detective Comics #27

This is a big comic book! It must have thousands of jokes inside of it!

This issue of Batman: Detective Comics contains seven jokes. We will begin by reading the first joke. It is called "The Case of the Chemical Syndicate." That does not sound particularly funny. It sounds like a mystery! Some mysteries are funny though! Like the one called Murder By Death. That one is very funny. At least it was very funny when I was twelve years old. Perhaps it is not as funny now as it was then.

The joke begins with Batman interviewing himself. The first question that Batman asks Batman is, "Why do I do this?" He has a very funny answer for this question! He does it so that nobody else has to witness their parents shot down in cold blood in a moonlit alley full of rats and garbage. That is not the funny part. This is the funny part:

Ah! But you would not do it as well, would you?

Perhaps Bruce would be just as good a Batman if he were poor as if he were rich. Did he not travel the world learning everything he could learn without touching any of his family money? Sure, he always knew he could pick up the phone and Alfred would arrive to save the day with a pocket full of cash and some Toblerone. And it was probably easier to learn how to defeat hundreds of opponents in the pit of death without killing any of them when you knew you had a really big house with a super comfy bed waiting for you at the end of it. I think without money, Bruce would still have been a good Batman. But without his good looks and his charms (by charms I mean succulent penis)? That's a wholly different matter. How would he have learned secret assassination and poisoning skills if he had not been able to seduce all of the top women assassins in the world? He would not have learned them! He would have been arrested for sexual harassment.

Batman continues to answer his own question because he cannot get enough of hearing himself speak.

That is a stereotype and probably racist to boot.

Batman faces a lot of criminals that are not cowardly nor are they superstitious either. Or neither maybe. Perhaps that is why Gotham seems to be so full of lunatics. It is because the regular criminals have been scared out of town by the rumors of a crazed man that roams the night breaking people's bones. Batman believes they are scared of his bat-like appearance. But the thing they are really terrified of are the medical bills.

Batman finds himself on a case hunting down some guy killing partners of the A.C.E. Chemical business. But the two partners that are left get their speech balloons mixed up halfway through their conversation and it's really fucking confusing. Hopefully Batman is smart enough to straighten things out right after he crashes through another skylight.

Perhaps Batman will also find out who stole some of his Narration Box Bat Symbols and decided to give those answers I've been scanning in because the next one Batman says is, "I do it because it secretly thrills me." That doesn't sound like something Batman would admit to! Also, Batman's Narration Boxes have been in dark grey and have not been funny at all. The yellowish Narration Boxes have been full of jokes so they could not be by Batman. Not one of them. Perhaps they are by somebody that goes by the name Mr. Jokes?

See? The Gray Boxes are not funny at all. The other box is kind of funny. If you think about it and somebody explains the joke to you later.

Batman saves the innocent guy and doesn't let the guilty guy get away so I guess it wasn't a very tough choice after all. Batman kicks the guilty guy into a vat of chemicals and completes his crazy journal entry. It is his first entry in his Bat-Diary so I guess that is why it is so funny. This was before Batman remembered he was not supposed to have a sense of humor. But he would learn that it is nothing to laugh about. I don't know what "it" is but believe me, it is not funny. Not at all. But the guilty man that later climbs out of the chemical vat thinks it is funny! He thinks everything is funny! Ha ha! It is all a big laugh! Life! The universe! The chaotic randomness of existence! Oh ha ha! You can only laugh at such things!

Also, this story makes no sense because it is not The New 52 Joker's origin at all! Not even close! It is an old origin of The Joker! This is a story from another world and another time! It is from Preboot Earth! No, no! It is from Pre-Crisis on Preboot Earth! It is a big fat lie! That must be why they got a writer that looks like Lex Luthor to pen this story! So that nobody would believe it. They would read it and say, "Is this a true joke?" And they would look at the guy who wrote it and they would laugh. They would say, "Ha ha! I get it! Lex Luthor is a liar!" And then they would read the next joke in the book which is called "Old School."

You can tell the next story is also a Pre-Crisis on Preboot Earth because it is full of Ben-Day Dots and the criminals are carrying bags with dollar signs on them. Since Jim Lee and Roger Liefeld and Kirk McFarland showed everybody how to scribble lines all over everything, most comic book artists have given up using Ben-Day Dots. And banks have not given out cash in bags with dollar signs on them since the early sixties.

Robin is distracting the criminals with his sexy cheesecake pose.

After the criminals manage to outrun Batman and Robin, Robin learns that Batman films everything that happens with a tiny camera on his belt. Oh ho! Robin sighs a sigh of relief that the internet has not yet been invented yet or else Batman might post some inappropriate videos of Robin changing into his costume. Not to mention other things that I won't mention because the law frowns on pedophilia fan-fiction and I am not interested in writing any of that anyway even if I was going to say, "Ha ha! It was all a big joke!" afterward. I would feel like a criminal myself if I described Robin's throbbing boy member and what Batman would like to do with it. Besides, Batman and Robin's friendship is entirely platonic and I would not like to join the camp of people who think otherwise because they are gigantic jerks sullying the reputation of two great heroes.

I have more clues that this story is from the Pre-Crisis on Preboot Earth if you needed any more! Batman's camera is not digital at all! And he does not have a Bat-Computer to do his work for him! Instead, he must call Commissioner Gordon and have him do the research! Also Batman gets called "mack" and that is a bad word from the olden days that nobody uses anymore. Even The Penguin happens along to point out that Batman and Robin need to update their schtick because they keep telegraphing their moves by speaking them!

But then the Scarecrow comes along and says, "I can read your thought bubbles, you jerks!" So that is what this story is all about! It is the origin of the Narration Boxes! I hate this story. This is not a funny story at all. It is a bad story! It is a very bad story!

Eventually Batman wakes up because it was not just a bad story, it was also a bad dream! Too bad I cannot wake up from it as well!

The next joke is called "Better Days" and it takes place when Batman is seventy-five years old. Or older. Or younger. But probably the first one.

Why is Damian using Alfred's head as a belt buckle? Is nobody else upset about this?

Bruce's guests are Dick Grayson and Tim Drake and Babs Gordon and Alfred Pennyworth and Damian Wayne. They must have forgiven him for telling The Joker all of their secrets. I wonder if The Joker will bring a present?

The fourth joke is called "Rain." I think I know this joke! "Knock knock!" "Who is there? Is it you? The person I have been waiting for to return my love? Is it the person that makes my heart race and the tears to fall? Is it you?" "No, it is only shadows on my doorstep. It is only cloudy images on my window pane. It is only rain."

Except that joke does not have Batman in it, so I might be wrong. Let us see if their joke contains The Batman!

Oh! It does have Batman! And it is a very funny joke indeed! See Batman save the psychopath?! See! See!

Also, the previous joke was supposed to be called "Hero" in the Table of Contents but then it was not called that at all.

The fifth joke is called "The Sacrifice" and it stars The Phantom Stranger. He is not very funny anymore. He played a big prank two thousand years ago and that was the last joke he ever made. He said, "Why are you not laughing Jesus? Don't you think it was a funny kiss? Can you not take a joke, Jesus?" And Jesus said, "Forgive them for they know not what they laugh at." And Judas said, "Oh boy! That prank really took a wrong turn, didn't it? I think I'll see you guys later!" And the Romans said, "No, do not go Judas! This was the best joke we've ever heard!" And the Hebrew People said, "That was it? That was your joke? We do not buy it. I think we shall wait around for a better joke than that."

The Phantom Stranger has decided it is once again time to get back on the joke-telling horse. So he comes to Batman and says, "Stop me if you've heard this one before."

Batman has heard it before! Stop, Phantom Stranger, stop!

The Phantom Stranger does not stop! He tells the joke anyway. But he forgets the punchline and tells it incorrectly. He tells it so badly that The Batman hates this version even more than the original version! This new joke must be very bad if Batman prefers the punchline that goes, "Thomas and Martha Wayne get shot in the head and die. Ha ha!"

The Phantom Stranger has not told a joke in so long that he ruins it by explaining it at the end.

Oh Phantom Stranger! Do not spoil the joke! Do not explain why it is funny!

The next joke is called "Gothtopia" and I think this is the most important joke in the book since it is being told by the regular creative team and it is also the name of the big crossover prank that DC has come up with. In this one, Pamela Isley who is also sometimes called Poison Ivy is yelling at the citizens of Gotham to wake up. It seems she is the only one that realizes Gothtopia, America's Safest City, should not be this at all! It should be Gotham City, Stuff of Nightmares! Although even if she sees the truth, why would she want it back? Old Gotham City was horrible! In Gotham City, Batman's sidekick was a skinny little boy. But not in Gothtopia!

Now that's what I call a sidekick! Mrowwr!

Batman's new sidekick is called Catbird and it is, fairly obviously judging by the excitement in my loinal area, Selina Kyle. She and Batman have the type of relationship that Tim Drake would be super jealous about if he ever found out.

Well, maybe not exactly that type of relationship.

Batman captures Poison Ivy and sends her off to be punished by Commissioner Sionis. So I guess the Black Mask is somehow mindcontrolling every lousy citizen in Gotham except for Poison Ivy. That's a good joke both on everybody and on Poison Ivy! Ha ha! Look at how confused Poison Ivy is! She must feel so alone and afraid. That is really funny when you can point at somebody else feeling like that and say "Ha ha! I am glad that is not me!"

Batman and Catbird help keep the city safe by going from fake accident to fake accident. You can tell the accidents are fake because one of them is reported as an ice cream truck jackknifing on the interstate. That is silly! Ice cream trucks are incapable of jackknifing! Silly Batman! Silly Gothtopia! Sexy Catbird!

The current mayor is The Penguin, so he might be in on this joke as well. Barbara Gordon is Bluebelle and Kate Kane is Brightbat and Dick Grayson is The Gothamite and Luke Fox is Flying Fox and Dinah Lance and Strix and Condor are The Wings of Truth. And everyone is happy and everybody laughs and laughs all day long.

People in Gothtopia are very happy, so they are committing suicide at an alarming rate. It makes sense to Alfred and Selina but Bruce is troubled by all of the happy suicides. He decides to get himself poisoned by Poison Ivy on accident so that he can learn the truth. It is a good plan, The Batman! A very good plan! Except that it makes everybody else sad and they all stop laughing for the entire day. Now they must stop Batman from believing! They must make him believe the not-believing before he unbelieves them all and they begin to believe the beliefs that he's now believing! And that would ruin the entire joke.

Also, the Gothamite might not be Dick Grayson since he should be in Chicago. But I can't think whom it might otherwise be.

Batman allows himself to be captured because he does not want to hurt his friends. And he would hurt them because breaking jaws and bones is what he does best. So instead he is carted off to The Crane Rehabilitation Center where Killer Croc works as a security guard. It makes sense that The Scarecrow would be behind a big gigantic brainwashing joke like this. But are the other criminals in on it as well? Or are they just working with him? It is very hard to get madmen to work together but it sometimes happens.

Here is where I would scan the final two pages to show that the madmen are all in on the plan and Professor Pyg and Harley Quinn and Mr. Freeze are co-conspirators as well. But it's a double page splash and I'd probably break the binding on the book, so you'll just have to imagine it or buy your own copy or pirate it off of the internet. That last one was a joke! I do not approve of that at all! Not at all!

The final joke is called "Twenty-Seven." And I will keep it short. Batman learns how to replicate himself so that there is always a Batman! The end!

Detective Comics #27 Rating: No change. I feel like there should have been a bigger payoff at the end of this. Where was the punchline? Oh! I see it! Now that I've closed the cover! I see it! The joke was on me! There is the punchline! There it is! $7.99! That was a mean joke. Very mean.

Two Face #1

There's Batman again. This time with no legs.

Hey, coin? Do I like Two Face or hate Two Face?

Two-Face is the most horrible character DC ever created. Absolute shit. How does acid completely eat away at exactly one side of his face and change his suit's color and bleach his hair white and change one of his shoes and one of his socks. Look at all the fucking damage it did and he still has an eyelid? Well, he must because I don't see him constantly putting eye drops in. Does he? Maybe he does! Even if he did use eye drops, he'd have to flip a coin each time to see if he should use the eye drops! And how often can he do it? Is he allowed to keep flipping until he gets the answer he wants? Or does he have to wait a prerequisite amount of time before flipping again? That coin flipping thing is the dumbest gimmick in Gotham and Gotham City knows dumb fucking gimmicks. When does he decide to flip the coin? Does he get in more manic phases where he's flipping it for everything? Does he ever get caught in an infinite regression of flipping the coin to see if he should flip the coin to see if he should flip the coin to see if he should flip the coin? I wonder if his first flip of the day is to see if he should just put a bullet in his head? Should I have put a trigger warning there? That was a pun! Fucking Two-face is a piece of shit. I wonder if I should begin reading the comic book yet?

No, I have to fucking keep rambling now. Stupid fucking coin. It should have to come up with a topic if it's not going to allow me to start reading! How about, since we're speaking of coins, I just plagiarize a short piece I did in an attempt to get hired by 60 Minutes to take that dead fucking hack Andy Rooney's job?

Have you ever noticed the way President Obama keeps asking for change? Wouldn’t you think he has enough change? As an American, we have an awful lot of change. I think we have too many denominations, actually. Isn’t the penny enough? With the penny, you can make exact change for any possible amount. Can you say the same for the nickel? No, you can’t. If I wanted to buy a piece of candy for 9 cents but only had two nickels, they’d have to give me some change. How much change? A penny. They’re really very useful. I wonder why they call them a penny? A quarter is called a quarter because it is a quarter of a dollar. That makes sense. A half-dollar is a half-dollar because it is one-half of a dollar. That makes sense too. But a penny? Perhaps it has something to do with being 1 percent of a dollar. See how they both begin with ‘pe’? That might be it. I’m too old to do research. I don’t understand computers and I might strain my back picking up a reference book. I used to have aides and fact checkers but now I don’t really care as long as I just get my check. You wouldn’t believe how many pennies it is.

Now can I start reading? Yay! Thanks, coin!

This is another thing. He's the most unimaginative prick in the world. Everything always boils down to two choices.

I'm fairly certain Two-Face has a lot of choices! His obsession with duality is making him miss out on a lot of opportunities in life. Right now, he's choosing whether to save Gotham or make it bleed. You could also go get an ice cream. Or take a nap. Perhaps flee to Metropolis. I think I've actually exhausted all of his options now.

The Scarecrow snatches Two Face's coin out of the air before the toss can be completed and I'm surprised that Two Face doesn't have a complete nervous breakdown. I suppose given time, he would. Because now he wants to blow The Scarecrow's brains out but he also wants to not blow The Scarecrow's brains out and how the hell is he going to decide? Then The Scarecrow tells him to pick a hand to get his coin back! Well how the fuck is he going to do that if he doesn't have a coin? He keeps waving the gun around and threatening to shoot shit but The Scarecrow isn't afraid because that's his entire schtick! So Two Face is trying to scare The Scarecrow which is pointless. And The Scarecrow is trying to get Harvey Dent to choose without using his coin which is pointless! Next The Riddler is going to drop by and start doing Sudoku.

Hey coin?! Should I have a bowl of cereal or go slit the neighbor boy's throat? Hmm, okay. Be right back!

If a creature had legs made out of scissors (not a pair each leg; the legs would be, in total, on pair of scissors), would it run faster, slower, or in circles? You realize these are the kinds of questions God had to work through while making every single creature in the world! It had to have taken him more than a week. I mean, when he thought up the Platypus? Come on. Half a day wasted just cracking himself up.

And how did God know what a "day" was anyway? What was his definition? It's not like he had an Earth rotational marker before he made the Earth! Oh! I know! He had already decided an arbitrary time limit for his work day and then set the Earth's spin to match that so he wouldn't get confused! Whew. I almost lost faith there for a second!

Oh! Sorry! I thought I was writing about Two Faith, not Two Face. Although either way lets me talk about Christians! OH SHIT! No I didn't! Burn, Christians! Oh, shit. Nobody take that the wrong way! I'm not telling people to go burn Christians! That would probably be wrong. I'm saying I zinged them good! But it's all in good fun! Come on! Anybody reading this blog had better have a sense of humor and thick skin or else they're in the wrong fucking place, amirite? And besides, you don't get any more two-faced than me! Sitting behind this computer hating woman completely and then writing about female comic book characters as if they're just regular people!

Hey coin! Should I be telling the truth during this commentary, or should I be lying about everything? Right! Got it! Thanks, coin!

Since Two Face is just learning about The Secret Society of Super-Villains from The Scarecrow, this issue must take place in-between Two Face learning about the Society while they were escaping Arkham and Two Face attending the Happy Harbor Recruitment Meeting. Somehow. I don't know how! Oh! I do know how! Good thing I have that ability to justify anything so that nobody will ever convince me that God doesn't exist! He's Two Face! He's able to learn stuff and then keep his other face from learning the same stuff! So this is his non-crazy side learning about the Secret Society. Probably.

I should probably put a picture in hear. Look at all of these words everybody is just skimming past!

If Harvey is ever convicted of murder, can he blame the coin? "It was all the coin's idea! It's a cult leader Mansonesque madman! You should see my piggy bank! It's like Jonestown in there!"

Harvey's coin allows him to join the Secret Society after which he goes back to his original question. Except not. The first time his coin flip was interrupted, he asked, "Do I save Gotham or do I make it bleed?" This time he asks, "Do I save Gotham or let it bleed?" That's a big fucking difference! Just ask The Batman who never kills although a lot of people have died tangentially connected to something The Batman did or didn't do while The Batman danced away with his hands in the air yelling, "I didn't do it! Didn't touch it! Not my fault!"

Harvey's coin comes up tails except I guess it's heads because he begins to save Gotham. But that's not really a fair coin flip because Harvey was using the new Secret Society coin which has two heads and he didn't call which would be tails beforehand! Granted the Owlman head does make a more fitting "heads" than tails. But the Pandora Skull doesn't really make a great tails, does it? And I just assumed the Pandora Skull was the heads because it's the side that doesn't change from coin to coin (apparently! I thought the tails side was always the backwards Earth).

Coin, why does Two Face make me think of cake? Tails? Oh! That's right! Just this or that questions! Sorry!

Back at the Courthouse where Harvey is taking all of the thugs he's captured, he discovers the Batman Victim's Club hanging out and torturing people in his old office. Since he's in Harvey Dent mode, he doesn't take too kindly to their up-to-no-goodnick shenanigans. He takes everybody to the courtroom and becomes The Law, Motherfuckers. That's his new vigilante name. The Law, Motherfuckers. I wonder if I can sell that character to DC or if it treads too much on Judge Dredd territory?

Hey coin? Should I trade you in for a six-sided die?

Next up is Boot Face who gets the Tails and is shot in the head. I guess since Tomasi created him, Tomasi can kill him. But Scallop (the woman wearing batarangs like body jewelry) isn't going to trial without a fight. Her team of lawyers mount a defense and its a pretty good one as defenses go! Although I wouldn't recommend hiring boomerangs as lawyers and then throwing them at the judge's head during opening arguments.

Eventually the Secret Society of Super-Villains' wishes run counter to the wishes of the Coin and Harvey has to put in his two clip notice.

There has to have been at least one wedding where the bride dressed as Cruella de Vil and the groom as Two Face. Or vice versa.

After Two Face leaves the courtroom full of murdered convicted people, he heads out into the streets of Gotham and asks his coin the question he asked earlier. So I guess there is a time limit! Either for how long before he can ask a question before asking it again for the answer he wanted or maybe for how long his short term memory lasts as one personality or the other. Perhaps after the coin flip, he takes on the role of psychopath or sane man until the power of the coin flip erodes and he finds himself once again in that middling, unsure ground. And perhaps in that third state, he can't remember the things done in the other two states nor can he remember things he flipped when previously in that third state! He's a bit of a Memento Two Face, I suspect.

Two Face #1 Rating: It was pretty good and pretty bad. The art was well done and shitty. I found the story intense and boring. Two Face really proved to be a heroic piece of shit. I hate-liked it a lot though not that much.

Talon #7

This Court of Owls shit is still going on?

Last issue, everybody learned that Sebastian Clark was the Grandmaster of the Court of Owls during the Night of the Owls. He was also the one to recruit Calvin Rose. For all the other people like me that have trouble with names, Sebastian Clark is the old man and Calvin Rose is the good Talon. Calvin Rose also has a girlfriend by the name of Fuck If I Know. But Calvin Rose is too busy to deal with that betrayal right now. He's got an island to blow up. But he kind of needs to hurry because Sebastian caught his girlfriend learning secrets she shouldn't aught to have learned.

This is how the current Grandmaster of the Court of Owls has Calvin secured. Ha ha! Amateur! I could get out of those bonds!

Not only does Calvin Rose have an overabundance of expertise to free himself from these paltry manacles, he has a man on the inside now! Baby Talon turns on Daddy Talon and Grandaddy Talon, just like Grandaddy Talon always knew he would because Baby Talon is a weak, fucked-up, piece of shit, no good pussy. Talon and Baby Talon best the elder Talons and Calvin sets off the bomb at the base of Securitus Tower. This causes the computers to wipe their own memory and an escape pod fires up. Hey! ESCAPE pod!? I bet I know who's going to be riding that thing to freedom!

See? That teeny, tiny figure is Calvin Rose! The Court of Owls current Grandmaster is inside.

Back at Sebastian Clark's headquarters, Sebastian tries to lock Casey (that's her name!) away in the Aztec Tomb, one of Calvin's tricks illusions. But Casey ends up locking Sebastian in the pantry where The Aztec Tomb is kept because she's a computer expert and a paranoid genius.

His partner is Bane. I figured that out myself. I'm like Sherlock Holmes and shit.

Casey and her daughter pack up and leave the compound. I hope her daughter is good at self-defense because there might just be a Gotham Butcher waiting outside.

As Calvin hurries home to save Casey because she's female and therefore must need saving (do the math!), he's intercepted by The Goddamned Batman. Batman lectures him for a bit about how Gotham is Batman's home and Owls are stupid because they eat bats and there's no way in hell an owl-type person can operate in Batman's city because Batman will be fucked if he allows Gotham to ever love somebody else again. The whole scene reveals Batman's huge insecurity problem. And then I turn the page and laugh out loud by Calvin's reaction.

I think Calvin and I might be cut from the same cheesecloth.

Batman clasps the Waynetech Inescape 3000 Megacuffs on to Talon's wrists, assuring him that even he, Bruce Wayne...er, Batman, couldn't escape from them! Which means it takes Calvin exactly one panel to be free and running for his life. Batman loses him because how can even The Goddamned Batman keep the most escapiest man in the world secure?

Calvin runs straight to Sebastian's hideout to rescue Casey and runs smack dab into Bane's meaty fists.

Good thing his teeth are full of resurrection fluid!

Talon #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. This issue was excellent in the amount of Aquaman it didn't have. Also, I can't believe they're actually going to kill Calvin Rose! I know that would make him a practically immortal escaping and killing machine whose only kryptonite is drinking a slurpee too quickly but the main draw of this comic is that he can escape shit and he's a man Talon instead of a corpse Talon! And Casey isn't going to want to have sex with him anymore either. So my guess is that Calvin Rose escapes death in the next issue!

Talon #6

This cover is like seeing a trailer for a movie that spoils the ending.

It's not like the cover actually spoils anything. The first six issues of Talon (including the Zero Issue) can be summed up easily enough in two phrases: The Court of Owls and Death-Defying Escapes. So the fact that Issue Six is going to feature another death-defying escape from the Court of Owls is only going to be a shock for those people with no long-term memory. Possibly the only thing that surprises me each month is that Talon's name is Calvin Rose because fuck everything if I can every remember that.

Does that phrase make any sense? "Fuck everything if I can remember Calvin Rose's name"? Because interestingly enough, I did remember his name this time! So that means everything must now be fucked. Get to work. You have sex with the stuff in your residence and I'll get to fucking the stuff in mine. Although when I look at the things sitting on my desk, I'm not too sure I'll be in any condition to fuck anything else after I'm through with the pencil sharpener and the aerosol can of air for cleaning dust out of computer keyboards.

Last issue ended with Calvin Rose trapped in a cage being taunted by three generations of Talons outside the cage. I think the oldest Talon is supposedly the Grand Master Ultimate Taloniest Talon of them all. At least none of them are The Butcher of Gotham. I think he'll be waiting for Calvin after Calvin, exhausted and wounded, climbs out of Gotham Bay after his death-defying escape.

After reading the first page, I think I need to make a correction. John Wycliffe is the Grandmaster of the Court of Owls and he's inside the building. So he's not a Talon. He's just a really dangerous man, I guess. Perhaps he's really dangerous because he's so important that he has three generations of Talons guarding him.

This escape has been my favorite part of this entire series so far. Very cleverly done. I particularly like how the two Talons tied together just get dragged back up into the reset trap.

After stabbing Grandpa in the throat, Calvin skedaddles down the tunnel. Of course the knife doesn't stop the Talon for long since these stupid creatures can survive anything except choking on an ice cube. Grandpa cuts the other Talons down and they decide to let Calvin go. They expect he'll drown soon when the turbines come back online and the tunnels once again fill up with water. Even though Grandpa Talon refers to Calvin Rose as an Escapist just prior to the plan that revolves around Calvin not being able to escape the influx of water. Talons are so stupid.

Baby Talon knows better though! He rushes off to prove himself to Grandpa and Daddy Talon. But even though he shows some initiative, Grandpa Talon still calls him an idiot. That Baby Talon really needs to think long and hard about whether his family is really worth his time. Baby Talon does catch up with Calvin but only seconds before a huge wall of water smashes into them.

Meanwhile Casey is beginning to get suspicious of Old Man Sebastian Clark. It's about time! That guy is a manipulative jerk. I'm pretty sure he simply wants to figure out how the Talons live forever so he can save himself. Everything else he's told Calvin is probably just a bunch of half-truths and full lies. But Casey will figure out the truth! Probably.

And I guess it's time for Baby Talon to start that long, hard think about his fucked-up family!

It's time for Baby Talon to become a real boy.

I'm really curious about Batman's policy on killing Talons. I'm pretty sure when he was fighting for his life on The Night of the Talons, he was doing his best to kill as many of them as possible. Or did he simply not care how much damage he did to them because he knew they would heal? Whether or not he killed any that night, I still wonder what his policy would be. The Talons talk and act like living people. So Batman shouldn't use any of the freezing means that would kill them. Or does Batman have a different policy for people that have already died and been brought back to life. What's the difference between a Talon and Deadshot now? If Batman can kill a Talon, can he also kill Deadshot or Regulus or Jason Todd since they've been reanimated? What about sentient aliens? I'm not sure if Batman is allowed to kill those or not. What about Chinese people? Where is his line?!

I think the only solid Batman Title I ever read before The New 52 was Shadow of the Bat, so I don't know the really in-depth details on his ethics. I'm sure any good Comic Book Lawyer could point to precedents from different story lines that really flesh out the limits of Batman's penchant for violence. But I am not one of those. I'd like to be one of those for Reboot history but I can't even remember if Batman killed any Talons! I guess if they're technically unkillable (short of exploding their head with an icicle), he didn't kill any. But I do know he held back against the Rock Creatures from the Peraxxus story arc in Justice League International until Rocket Red determined they were non-sentient. And Batman isn't a vegetarian, is he? So if Batcow turned evil and came at him, it would be okay to kill Batcow, right? But what about an evil organization of Dolphins? Does that become a judgment call?

Meanwhile the Gotham Butcher is hanging out outside the apartments of the people he murdered when he notices Batman swinging along to investigate. He wants his turn to kill Batman since he was inexplicably left out during the Night of the Talons. He might not even know about the Night of the Talons since he was still sleeping in his grave. But now he knows about Batman for some reason. Perhaps when the Talons are awakened, they get a quick lesson on Gotham History from the time they were put in the ground to the present. Or maybe even the dead know the Goddamned Batman.

Speaking of dead Talons, I might have to reread all of that Court of Owls stuff since I'm still unsure why Talons "die" and then are retired to make way for a new living Talon. If they're so powerful and immortal once they come back from the dead, why not just use the zombie Talon in the first place instead of training a new one? I don't remember how that was explained. It's possible the Court of Owls had the technology to keep Talons in a kind of suspended state but lacked the precise technology to bring them back. That might be Mr. Freeze's whole connection to the Zombie Talon nonsense. Perhaps it was only recently that the Court could bring the Talons back. This stuff seems too important to the overall story to not have been explained, so I'm just going to blame my poor memory on not knowing and wait for a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader to explain it to me in the Comments.

The Gotham Butcher really, really wants to kill Batman. But the Court of Owls tell him to stand down or else they'll blow some Cryobombs they planted right behind his eyes that will put him down for good. The Butcher is not very happy about this situation and decides to do something about it.

He really, really, REALLY wants to kill Batman.

Back in the flooded tunnels of Securitus's Flooded Tunnel Level, Baby Talon brings back a seemingly unconscious Calvin Rose to take to the Grandmaster. I would suspect this trick might work if Grandpa Talon didn't already assume Baby Talon was a complete screw-up. But since Grandpa Talon thinks Baby Talon is a fucking jerk, the first thing I would expect Grandpa Talon to do is assume the only way Baby Talon could capture Calvin Rose was if Baby Talon was thinking about betraying them and it was a big trick. But Daddy Talon is pretty proud, so even though Grandpa Talon doesn't quite believe it, he lets it go. FOR NOW!

I suppose Calvin is hoping to get in the inner sanctum and blow up his bomb to wipe Securitus of all of its information. But once he finds his way up and gets a meeting with John Wycliffe, he gets some information that ruffles his feathers. At the same moment back at Sebastian's Compound, Casey Washington has been snooping about and discovers the same information that Calvin just received.

Whoops!

Talon #6 Rating: +2 Ranking. Okay, now I'm interested. It's been obvious for awhile that Sebastian wasn't who he said he was. From the start, nothing was adding up. But I just didn't think he might be the guy responsible for fucking up the entire Court by going after Batman and then killing a bunch of his own Court afterward. This is why I should pay more attention even when paying attention is asking way too much from me! I mean, really, more Court of Owls' stories? I've been half-asleep while reading most of these. But I like the idea of the Gotham Butcher going rogue after pulling the bombs out from behind his own eyes. And Batman does need to get more involved in this comic simply because it takes place in Gotham and Batman should really be paying close attention to any hint of Court activity. Unless Batman, like me, is just sick and tired of the Court of Owls. That could explain why he hasn't been trying too hard to uncover the remnants of the organization.

Talon #5

Ugh. No more Court of Owls!

If I were to give up one comic book in The New 52, it would be this one. It's not because of the quality. There are far worse comic books than this one that I'm currently reading. But I'm just so fucking sick of the Court of Owls. I'm just not interested in them anymore! And because they're supposed to be some kind of super mega-evil syndicate whose influences reach across all space and time, I don't see them going anywhere any time soon. If only Calvin Rose could defeat them and move on with his life to fight petty criminals like Night Rat or Garter Snake, maybe even Tiny Poodle. But until that happens, it's just going to be Court of Owls, Talons, Escape, Court of Owls, Talons, Escape, ad nauseum.

Before I could begin my ramblings about how Batman should have his little bat hairs in a bunch over this Talon shit going on around him, I picked up the comic to see that Batman has his little bat hairs in a bunch over this Talon shit. He's trying to get Nightwing interested too but Nightwing's not biting.

Well, not at first he isn't. I supposed Dick recognizes him from his associations with Haly's Circus.

Calvin and Casey and her daughter have settled down in Gotham City since the battle with the Gotham Butcher. It's taken two weeks for Calvin to heal but now he's ready to start his crusade again and Casey wants to help. They're ready to destroy Securitus, Casey's father's company that the Court of Owls took over. Taking over the company was the reason they wanted her and her daughter killed, so nobody would step forward claiming a right to the company. But now it's one of the Court's biggest assets and Sebastian believes it should be their next target and Casey has no problem destroying it. As long as the Court of Owls can't have it, she'll be satisfied.

The Gotham Butcher has also returned to Gotham to hunt down Calvin Rose. I thought he'd be out of the action for a few issues at least. If he fails, what will the Court of Owls do next? This was their most vile Talon of all! They've blown their load on this guy. I guess that's a good thing for me! Get rid of this asshole and maybe the Court of Owls disappears and Calvin Rose has to begin dealing with bad guys like The Owl Pellet and Feral Cat.

Or maybe the Court will piss The Butcher off themselves and he'll turn on them! If only John Constantine were here to get that ball rolling.

The Securitus building is a towering glacier-like structure located in Gotham Harbor. It's different from the squat glacier-like structure located in Gotham Harbor which is the Iceberg Casino. It's impenetrable. Electrified surfaces. Turbines under the water that drag down any ship getting too close. DNA recognition alarms. The inside layout is a complete mystery. Casey's father was about as loony as Mrs. Winchester, it seems. But Casey's father's ghosts were real. And they weren't ghosts. They were owls!

You know, since that wasn't a revelation to anyone, I think I just wasted an exclamation point.

While Casey is telling the story, she says something that Calvin picks up on which makes it sound like they aren't going to have to break in after all (well, maybe a little bit!). Her father designed the computers to complete wipe themselves if the place were bombed. So that's all Calvin needs to do! Drop a bomb!

Meanwhile The Butcher of Gotham relieves some stress.

Once Talon's plan is set in motion, it makes me think he might have to set the bomb off from inside. He manages to swim through the undertow creating turbines while they're off by hitching an underwater tow ride underneath a Securitus Boat headed toward the island.

I wish I had a story about how I once infiltrated a high security building with my elite Escaperotomy Skills but the closest I've ever come to that is drunkenly sneaking past trucks picking up grain at a factory in Los Banos one night, sneaking up the side of the building to enter the factory on the catwalks above the darkness, and running off with a fire extinguisher. Ocean's 11 it was not. I guess I also climbed over the wrought-iron spiked fence of the Carmelite Monastery in Santa Clara (which I grew up directly across the street from) and padded about their library. That, also, was a drunken escapade. Go figure.

Anyway, things don't work out so great for Calvin Rose.

I'm glad the Carmelites didn't have this kind of security.

Talon #5 Rating: No change. I keep hoping something will ignite my interest in this comic. But until then, I can't really judge it one way or the other. It isn't bad, so I won't drop it in ranks. And it might be good, but I just don't care.