Batman #28

Is Batman Eternal going to be stories about the Legacy Batmans that take over after Bruce Wayne? Like that one in that big fat expensive issue of Detective Comics?

Last issue ended with The Riddler flooding his old lab to destroy all of the evidence of his next big crime. Drowning Batman was probably just an incidental mishap about which Edward probably feels really guilty. That means this issue will probably begin in Czechoslovakia in 1935 as a railway worker walks down the track shooting feral dogs with an old German pistol from the Great War.

No, it actually starts with Harper being hassled by Gotham Cops (possibly) in riot gear. I'm sure she deserves it because look at her asymmetric haircut and all of her face piercings! Definitely up to no good. If she doesn't think she needs to show her respect for society by looking like a law abiding citizen, then what other things is she disrespecting? I bet she shoplifts! And has premarital sex with people of different races! I bet she's never once stepped foot in a church except to blaspheme Christ! This piece of trouble has Ouija Board written all over her! But at least she doesn't have a tattoo on her neck, so she probably doesn't murder children.

The police long to beat her but she says some secret spy phrase about Gotham making the bees get on their knees or something and instead of putting her in the hospital like a couple of good bad cops, they escort her to a fancy party.

You can't tell from this scan but there's a big fancy dress party taking place in a cave with giant cat statues on the other page.

I should probably mention that this story does not take place in the "NOW" time but in the "SOON" time! It's also called "Gotham Eternal."

Turns out Harper is working with Batman to infiltrate this place. And Batman is working with a woman back at the Batcave doing Alfred's job. So genius that I am, it's beginning to dawn on me that this story does not take place six years ago at all! It may as well have been about a Czechoslovakian gunning down wild dogs for as much as either of them have to do with The Riddler story that had been taking place.

Batman and Harper break a few skulls together. Batman is surprised to see that Harper has been training instead of being a good civilian character that screws with the electrical grid and she points out, in a round about way, that Batman's sidekicks have been training her. So Batman has sidekicks now! And by now I mean soon! I hope he has about a dozen of them. Eventually the owner of the club grows tired of Batman and Harper raising her insurance premiums and she steps out of the shadows to reveal herself in the biggest non-surprise of the year!

I mean, really. Giant cat statues? Although I guess it could have been King Tut but fuck him! Whenever I stumble upon an old episode of The Batman television series and the villain is King Tut, I lose my chubby immediately.

Catwoman has taken over the Gotham Underworld and now controls the city. She's more powerful than Batman or The Court of Owls or Bane in his wet dreams. Selina gets Batman down on his knees and says she'll give him some vaginafor. And Batman says, "What's a vagina for?" And Selina goes, "I thought you'd never ask!" Oral sex ensues.

Or this happens. Take your pick.

Batman tells Harper to lay off his ex-fuck buddy but he calls Harper "Bluebird" as he does it. So I guess Harper becomes one of Batman's sidekicks! Perhaps Carrie Kelley is the other sidekick back at the Bat-cave. And apparently Batman is not encouraging Harper to seek out physical combat training from Carrie (or Robin (or whatever name she'll take)).

Meanwhile the reason that Batman has sought out Selina's help to stop whatever outbreak is taking place above ground is revealed: Stephanie Brown, aka Spoiler. She seems to know how to stop whatever is going on. And that's it for that story which will be continued in Batman Eternal #1.

Batman #28 Rating: -3 Ranking. I don't care if this was an entertaining story or not (it was!). But this issue was basically Batman Eternal #0. So fuck you and your marketing bullshit, DC. This might as well have just been Batman Eternal #1, you thoroughly ravished glory holes. But instead, you shove it into a book that's in the middle of a very long story arc which is selling very well in the hopes of getting people excited about your stupid weekly series that already has Batman in the title anyway so why would you be worried about it not being picked up? Why did I just pay $3.99 for an advertisement of Batman Eternal in Batman? Sure, I get that it really isn't much difference. I would have picked up Batman Eternal #1 alongside Batman #28 anyway. You'd have gotten my money either way. But fuck you for delaying The Riddler story in the middle of the arc. I'm especially angry at you for forcing me to be fake angry at something so fucking inconsequential as having been forced to read a Batman story in a Batman comic book! Jerks!

Rogues Rebellion #5

The Royal Flush Gang is playing with a full deck these days, hunh? I wonder if any of them are brave enough to be The Joker?

The Rogues have been having a rough couple of days. Ever since The Crime Syndicate took over New Earth and The Rogues decided they didn't want to work for The Super Secret Society of Secret Super Villains, they've been chased and harassed and attempted murdered. But I'm glad this is happening to them because I've always loved Captain Cold but never really gave any fucks about the rest of the crew. This has given me time to appreciate them without them being overshadowed by their great leader. And it's been a pretty fun little mini-series. I've also become a huge fan of Scott Hepburn who I might have said when his stuff first appeared in a comic book I can't remember (it might have been a Green Lantern issue! I think it had Hal and Carol arguing about Hal and Carol), "This guy's art massages my aesthetic prostate." Or words to that effect.

Oh, I was wrong. It was artist Hendry Prasetyo in New Guardians #18! I guess I just began liking Hepburn's work here in this mini-series!

This issue begins with The Rogues already captured by The Royal Flush Gang. I really thought Mirror Master was going to use his gun to send them all into the Mirror World through their shiny cards! Maybe he just can't think that fast. Or shoot 52 different people at once. Oh hey! The Royal Flush Gang should all get their own New 52 title! Maybe that can be a future special September event.

They don't spend very many pages as prisoners before Weather Wizard lightning bolts their captors. But not all of The Rogues are happy with the escape plan.

What kind of weather-related pun can you use when bashing a guy in the face with a rock? "I just rocked you like a hurricane"?

Weather Wizard decides he'd rather live than be a Rogue, so he ditches Mirror Master and The Trickster. Mirror Master can't just walk away because he needs to rescue Cold's sister Lisa from the clutches of the Royal Flush Gang. I mean, he doesn't have to but since he thinks he loves her, he feels like he should at least make the effort. For some reason, The Trickster sticks with him. Their plan is to just walk right up to the Royal Flush Gang in Central City and demand they release Glider.

Or at least send Mirror Constructs to do the negotiating for them since negotiations with maniacs is dangerous business. But Ace of Spades calls their bluff amid many other card related turns of phrase (even with The Flash gone, these guys can't escape the puns!) after which Mirror Master finally deploys his ace up his sleeve: Mirror World!

Better to find yourself in Mirror World than the Morgue, I guess.

While Mirror Master runs down Royal Flush Gang members in the same way I run down whatever I can in any video game that allows me to drive a car (including the Driver's Education Tutorial), The Trickster is rescuing Glider and making sure she's in safe hands.

Safe, gay hands.

This is the first time Pied Piper's made an appearance in a long, long time. Hopefully he'll remain active and in costume after this. He might even need a full issue of The Flash to himself and his struggles to remain out of sight as the Pied Piper while living with Singh. I also wouldn't mind an issue full of rats! Does the Pied Piper control rats or does he just lure little children into dark alleys? That was a Pied Piper stole kids joke and not a gay men are pedophiles joke although now that I think about the choice to make Pied Piper gay (way back in DC continuity), I wonder if this was a consideration in poor taste?

My favorite part of this picture is The Flash being assaulted by musical notes. What's wrong with you, Silver Age Flash? You can't outrun sound?!

Mark Waid was probably working on The Flash and thinking, "What would Alan Moore do? Probably have Wally rape someone. Ick. Maybe I shouldn't try to think about what Alan Moore would do! What about something a bit less controversial but that includes a hidden agenda highlighting my belief that homosexuals are pedophiles? Oh! The Pied Piper of Hamelin stole children! I'll make the Pied Piper gay!"

Also, Mark Waid probably doesn't actually believe that homosexuals are pedophiles. I mean, he might! How do I know? It's not like I've contacted him for an interview! Instead I'm just typing up total fabrications about him! Where's the harm in that?

As The Rogues and their allies (Pied Piper and the Central City Police Force (at least the ones still alive after Grodd and his Gorilla Assault)) battle The Royal Flush Gang, Johnny Quick and Atomica arrive in Central City. That's probably why this issue is called "Fastest Psychopath Alive." Poor Johnny is going to find out that the citizens of New Earth's Central City know a thing or two about battling Speedsters. He's probably used to a Central City full of dead citizens that used to know a thing or two about battling Speedsters.

I'm liking The Trickster more and more every time he decides to call a super hero something other than what they want to be called! I like The Jacked-Up League. I really liked Meth-Head Green Lantern as well.

Atomica and Johnny Quick do a little ass kicking and a paltry amount of murder before Grid relays Ultraman's orders to return to Happy Harbor. But Johnny and Atomica decide to ignore the orders until they've killed Mirror Master and The Trickster. Mostly because The Rogues were cops on Earth 3 and they just feel like killing them again.

I can't remember if Johnny was with the Crime Syndicate at the end of Forever Evil #5 where they witnessed whatever was chasing them (The Anti-Monitor?) breaking through the veil and entering New Earth. I hope he wasn't because I want to see him get killed by The Rogues. Please let him get killed by The Rogues!

That's a pretty good start!

Marco is busy doing a pretty good job of standing his ground against Johnny Quick right up until he's shot in the head by Ace of Spades. Johnny isn't very happy about somebody stealing his kill, so Ace of Spades becomes Red Mist unless Mark Millar would sue me for using that name and then Ace of Spades just gets exploded like a blood sausage. Unless Interplay will sue me for using that description from Wasteland. And then maybe I should just say he's killed by Johnny.

Surprisingly if you don't read comic books regularly, Weather Wizard was not killed but merely grazed by the shot. Johnny and Atomica are forced to teleport away by Grid because Grid doesn't want to have to answer to that psychopath Ultraman for not following orders. But Grid promises to teleport in other means to deal with The Rogues. Which he says he does before turning to the last page to find out what those "other means" are. I'd suspect it's some of the Secret Society of Super Secret Villains but Deathstork Deathstroke has switched sides and Copperhead was shot in the face. So who is it going to be? Giganta and Blockbuster? Boring! Hopefully it's somebody new!

It actually ends up being a two page spread worth of villains! Grodd. The Bureau of 2000 Assassin's Committee featuring Hyena, Black Bison, Plastique, Typhoon, and Multiplex. A guy that might be Eclipso since he's got the ears and the haircut but he doesn't have any of the panache. The Green Arrow wannabe from earlier in the series. Parasite. And the Fearsome Five but with six members: Psimon, Gizmo, Jinx, Mammoth, some white girl in a bikini top and jeans, and possibly Brimstone. I think that covers everybody. That's an awful lot of firepower to send to defeat three low level street thieves!

Rogues Rebellion #5 Rating: +3 Ranking. I'm disappointed that the Rogues weren't given the go ahead by DC Editorial to kill Johnny Quick. It would have been really nice to see one of the Crime Syndicate die in one of the offshoot Forever Evil stories instead of leaving them all to Geoff Johns to take care of in Forever Evil. But aside from that, this issue was tray magnifique where tray is actually spelled differently because it's from another language and people who speak that language would get upset by the use of très with magnifique because it's redundant or something. But I bet they'd still say shit like "very unique" and "with au jus" or any other number of stupid sayings that they ignore that they say when they correct other people on the incorrect things they say. I would never do that! Except in the name of comedy, of course!

Superboy #28

I hope he's trying to commit suicide by crushing his own head.

I have never been a fan of Superboy. I just didn't care about him at all. But thanks to Lobdell and Wolfman, I now hate Superboy with the kind of primal hate that teenagers save exclusively for their parents when their parents won't allow them to go to some event where the person that teenager has a huge crush on is going to be. But instead the parents make that teenager stay home and read shitty comic books about shitty characters that were shitty before they even became a new character that's even shittier! Fuck you, Superboy! Get the fuck out of here!

Last issue some ridiculous stuff was happening with ridiculous people and it involved all those ridiculous Teen Titans in a ridiculous future involving a trial with that ridiculous Kid Flash. When the editors at DC had the meeting about the Teen Titans characters and what the team will be like in The New 52, they must have unanimously decided that they simply had to suck.

So I find myself thinking, "What the fuck could be worse than having to read another Superboy comic that crosses over with those shitty Teen Titans?"

Fuck me.

Please, Harvest. You aren't fooling anybody. Trying to look like somebody has you at a disadvantage. You know you planned for this to happen! That's all you do! That's your superpower: the power to plan everything. So you're not fooling anybody and you're especially not fooling me because I know you're Tim Drake from the future after he's been bitten by a vampire. So stop pretending to be some grieving father that created Joke-el to destroy all the super humans. Because I know better! You're just Tim Drake and you hate that you're the smartest guy in the world but you get less attention than a bunch of dimwitted people that were lucky enough to have super powers. So you've made it your goal to kill them all. You're a pathetic wretch!

This might be the worst thing I've read so far: "I can sense him in the time stream." But, you know, I wouldn't expect anything less from the mouth of Harvest. What a piece of shit creation.

One of the few things that I think the Reboot had right when it began was to break time travel. But apparently a few writers that spent many years at Marvel learning that plots derived from people from the future and alternate timelines decided to ignore the whole Flashpoint Paradox. I'm looking at you, Lobdell and DeFalco! Either they were too stupid to understand how time travel would theoretically work or they just decided that the Flashpoint Paradox was only in effect in one fucking specific timeline which meant they could bring people from the future from alternate timelines. And so now DC is stuck with this lousy after-dinner mint Harvest. Nobody wants you, Harvest! You taste horrible!

Back in the future, Joke-el teams up with S-Cheese while Raven manipulates them from the shadows. I hope Raven and Harvest become lovers. And I use the term "lovers" because it reminds me of Romeo and Juliet which ends in two truly delicious suicides! Not that the suicides were delicious in that play! But if Ravest were to commit suicide? Oh glory! Hallelujah! We'll have made it to the other shore!

Yes, this makes total sense. S-Cheese must have had Fox News pumped into her stasis chamber for the last seventeen years. Lazy, apathetic, have-no-fucking-dreams-at-all mankind! Just let the superheroes do it all!

The past that S-Cheese's world is from is an analogous universe that might have been if the people of our world were to give up their freedom in exchange for safety. Also if our world had super heroes in it. I guess the super heroes are a metaphor for politicians and shit. And I bet they started down this horrible road because of gun control laws and abortion! Possibly also sugared soda! And video games!

For having been put in stasis since she was a newborn (although I don't know how she grew to the seventeen year old she is now if she were in stasis), she sure knows a lot of history about her world! I guess since her "Stasis Tube" didn't truly put her in stasis, she was free to read people's minds while imprisoned.

S-Cheese goes on to explain how the stasis tubes were actually just sleep tubes that put people into a state of hibernation. So basically they're shoved into a tube, put into a medically induced coma, and remain completely out of it until they die of old age. In 1000 years, that's the best advancement they could make on putting people into stasis? You'd think if they'd traveled across the galaxy searching for alien life and fleeing Old Earth, they'd have made some kind of advancement in true stasis technology! But instead they invent a tube filled with liquid that can't keep a newborn from growing at a normal rate.

Apparently even the other prisoners aren't actually in any kind of mental stasis since Saturn Girl S-Cheese suddenly feels emotions of joy coming from Cosmic Boy Lodestone and Lightning Lad Volt! And since they're happy that they're going to be free soon, Joke-el decides to free them. Um, yay?

Previously I had suggested that a new group of Ravagers was being formed to go back in time and hang out with Harvest. But I guess Wolfman is creating a new, twisted version of The Legion of Super-Heroes with, once again, Superboy's help. Will it become a New 52 title eventually? God I hope not.

After Superboy frees his new Legion members, S-Cheese nearly kills a handful of guards. But Superboy stops her because he doesn't want the Titans to discover what's going on. She thanks him from stopping her from becoming a murderer. She seems so sincere that it's too bad Wolfman has Joke-el, Saturn Cheese, Lode Boy, and Volt Lad kill everyone in a nearby ECHO base to steal their weapons. And then the final bit of dialogue and I'm off to the bathroom to vomit for three hours.

For my own sanity, I might have to drop every comic book that relies on time travel and characters from alternate timelines.

Superboy #28 Rating: No change but only because if it drops any ranks it becomes worse than Teen Titans and I blame Teen Titans for this comic book being so horrible. I love time travel stories. When they're done well! But this whole idea of time travelers from alternate timelines coming back to change the timeline they came from is just stupid ridiculous nonsense. Or characters in the present trying to save a specific timeline that will result in a specific future. Stop writing alternate timeline stories that have characters believing there can only be one true timeline when they've obviously come from other timelines. Why are they bothering to force their timeline into existence when it already fucking exists? Why are they bothering to try to stop their timeline from existing when it obviously already exists? They're all just wanking off into the wind. Stupid fucking bullshit. An example of a DC time travel story that I've liked during the Reboot? Booster Gold's brief time in All Star Western as well as Jonah Hex's visit to the present. Those are fun because Hex isn't trying to change anything or keep anything from changing. He's just caught up in an inadvertent journey and just wants to get back home.

Also, I actually think I wouldn't mind a Twisted Legion of Super-heroes comic book but I can't endorse one when I think it's going to be this Harvest and Joke-el timeline crap. I'd love it if it were just about the future and the twisted Legion doing whatever they're doing in the future. But fuck it if they're concerned with somehow changing the past because why fucking bother, you idiots!

Constantine #11

Seems rational.

I don't think Constantine is in love with Zatanna at all! He's not even in love with the idea of being in love! He's in love with the idea that he might possibly be able to love somebody even though he's destroyed so many lives in his selfish need to become more powerful (while lying to himself that he's actually just trying to keep balance in the magic realm) and also in love with the idea that a good person might possibly be able to love him back if he hides his true self to her and himself. Or he might just really love the feeling of his penis in Zatanna's vagina. That's a pretty distinct possibility.

This issue no longer has the Forever Evil label on it but they're still going after The Crime Syndicate's Thaumaton to save their magical allies. Did DC just forget? Or did they figure they could drop that after Blight was defeated and Chris the Redeemer was brought forth unto the world? You know what. I don't care.

Remember last issue when I did it all in crayon? That was pretty good, hunh? I'm not doing that this time!

So Justice League Dark have found themselves in Nanda Parbat infiltrating The Crime Syndicate's secret magic weapon headquarters thanks to Deadman's cover as The Sea King. That probably won't last long though before Ultraman hears about his return and comes to investigate.

That's what I wrote in the last Phantom Stranger issue! That if they'd just taken the time to discuss the whereabouts of their missing magic friends, they'd have realized Nanda Parbat was the only place they could be! You know, after San Francisco!

As soon as the Mini-Justice League Dark enter the temple where Zatanna and the others are being held, they trigger a trap by Nick Necro (whom I might hate even more than Condor) that causes everyone but Constantine and The Nightmare Nurse to disappear. That's okay! All of the others minus Zauriel have their own comic books! They don't need to be running around this one for no pay.

The Nightmare Nurse looks like Sailor Boner here!

And here as well! Vampire Tig who?

While I'm busy falling in love with The Nightmare Nurse, John and Asa break through all of Felix Faust's mystical traps to find themselves at the doorstep of the Thaumaton. Strapped to this huge device are all of their mystical friends, enemies, and acquaintances: Black Orchid, Cassandra Craft, Shade, Enchantress, Blackbriar Thorn, Blue Devil, Papa Midnite, and more. Any magic person who is any magic person in the DC Universe is here. Except Zatanna. That's when Constantine turns on The Nightmare Nurse, punches her, and asks who she really is! Of course it's Nick Necro in disguise.

Well damn! No wonder I was suddenly all lustful for The Nightmare Nurse! Before this issue, I thought she was cute and adorable and sexy in that devil may care that she's a devil kind of way! But that mostly had to do with her character. Okay, sure. The cute little devil nurse outfit may have intrigued me a bit! But suddenly after the initial trap was sprung, she was Male Gazed up to the gills! Because that's the only way Nick Necro has ever seen her! As a sexual object! So when he tried to portray her himself, The Nightmare Nurse was suddenly causing man and lady boners to pop up all over the place! That's probably how Constantine knew it was really Necro in disguise.

Nick Necro: "Let's see. How do I convince everybody I'm The Nightmare Nurse? Short skirt which means multiple glimpses of my underwear! Oh yeah, that's fucking hot. My nipples need to show through my thick leather clothing. That's a must! Legs about a third longer than normal so it's noticeable but I don't look like a freak. Big heeled boots will help give a boost to my height and ass! Let's see...what did her hair and face look like? Damn. Fuck if I know. I mean, I remember she had tits. And lips! And tits. Bah, it'll only be John I have to fool! I'm sure he's never really looked Ana in the face either!"

John and Nick tussle for a bit before John disappears for a moment to get his bearings. Or his teammates.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Nicky baby. Remember this isn't a Vertigo title anymore. You can't just go sticking your dick into any old magician you want while a nearly naked woman in bondage watches.

John beats Nick Necro easily because Nick Necro sucks. The only way I might be willing to read another comic book with Nick Necro is if he joins some kind of Loser's Club with Condor and Warrant. But Constantine forgets about Felix Faust who reappears and knocks out John. Although this is John's best tactic, right? He lets the other magicians punch themselves out before he comes back and kicks their asses. If only Ann Nocenti were here to remind me what that is called!

Or maybe Constantine really got caught with his dick out this time.

The rest of his team are close by because they've also been securely locked into the Thaumaton.

Constantine #11 Rating: +4 Ranking. I don't know if it's my fault recently for not enjoying Constantine or if Constantine just has been getting the shitty chapters of Forever Evil: Blight. But whatever was going on, that's in the past with this issue! I really enjoyed it for some unquantifiable reason although the art was a big quantifiable plus. ACO (or Aco? (Or aco?)) really got the job done! Especially those parts with Nick Necro wearing female undergarments. Ha cha cha cha!

Nightwing #28

The issues begins with Batgirl choking Nightwing as they fall from a great height. The reader is left to ask, "Why is Batgirl throttling Dick so passionately?" and "What did Grayson say to piss Babs off?" and "Is he still fucking living in Chicago?" The reader is not left to ask, "Will they survive?" because super heroes are always falling from the tops of buildings, especially members of the Bat-family. And has one of them, just one of them, ever died from a fall? I don't know. I don't think so. I'm not really a scholar of comic book history.

I forgot to ask one of the most important comic books questions which turns out to be the question that should have been asked: "Is that really Batgirl?" Because it's some thief named Spinebender that Babs and Dick battled many, many issues ago. I think they fought him in a food court. I think Batgirl was jealous of Raya. There was some drama or something. I don't completely remember.

I don't feel so bad not being able to remember everything about every comic book when Nightwing can't even remember everything about Nightwing.

Turns out Spinebender is a little bit pissed that he's dying because of Nightwing's method of subdual. I think that falls under the Bat-family No Kill Technicality Statement under the section entitled "You Brought It On Yourself." The full proviso reads, "If in the act of a crime, whether felonious or petty, the perpetrator of that crime is injured in such a way by the Bat-hero that the years of his life are subsequently shortened, the perpetrator will take full responsibility of his actions and subsume the blame for any and all injuries not leading directly to death. Any wounds sustained by the perpetrator of said crime that are not mortal in and of themselves but eventually lead to the death of the perpetrator due to doctor error or infection setting in at a later time or internal hemorrhaging due to the perpetrator's slow response time in getting help, are entirely the fault of the perpetrator who should have known better than to engage in illegal activities."

Spinebender has probably never read any of the Bat-Family legal documents so it's understandable that he just wants to take out his anger on Nightwing while ignoring the fact that he got himself caught up in a fairly risky business when he decided to begin robbing people.

Spinebender tries to kill Nightwing along with himself by electrocution but Nightwing gets away and Spinebender explodes into thousands of shards of glass. I wonder if Nightwing will feel bad about this at all?

Meanwhile Sonia Zucco is wrapping up some loose ends so she can fuck Dick Grayson without him weeping uncontrollably about his parents while his dick goes soft.

Dick doesn't seem to worry about the guy that just killed himself trying to kill Nightwing because Nightwing turning the guy to glass in a previous encounter caused a change in his biology that was killing him. But he is concerned with how many innocent people were injured and how much property damage was caused because the guy was expressly after him. I guess the Bat-family No Kill Technicality Statement absolves the Bat-Hero of feeling any human emotion whatsoever in the face of a tragic criminal death. Who cares what the guy's life was like or what his mental state might have been or if he was suffering from the side-effects of his medication or if he were being mind-controlled by an even worse Super Villain! Ultimately it was his choice that led him to the grave. Unless the reason he did it was because of that mind control thing.

As Dick heads home to his apartment in a normal way like he should be doing instead of going through his bedroom window in full costume, he runs into his soon-to-be-sidekick, Hummingbird! Also known as Jen.

Oh yeah! Taxes. Says the orphan boy that was taken in as a ward by the richest man in Fuckingsuperrichville. Bruce probably fell into his fainting couch every night, fanning himself and proclaiming, "My God, Dick! The taxes! The taxes! How are we ever going to get by with this great burden upon us?!"

Later at Dick's job, Sonia comes to see him wearing her short Burberry Trench with nothing underneath. She apologizes to Dick and then leaves with her shoes squelching from the aftermath of her lust typhoon. Dick listened to her apology with a raging boner pressed against the inside of his Levis. Neither one of them knew that with just one word, they could have been fucking on the bathroom sink. Instead Dick goes back to work rubbing his throbbing member up against the inside of the coffee bar while thinking about the smell of Sonia's inner thighs.

When Dick gets home and before he can rush to the bedroom to remove his now crusty boxers, his roommate Joey stops him with some horrible news about Jen's parents.

Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na HUMMINGBIRD! HUMMINGBIRD! HUMMINGBIRD!

Dick needs to console Jen since, you know, he's kind of been through this! And a guy that had also been through this helped him through this! It's a tradition! And since Jen knows Dick is Nightwing, she says, "Hey! You know how you got through this! Yeah, so I drew up these designs for a uniform and I'm ready for my therapy sessions!" And Dick is all, "Homina homina homina."

While Dick is off in the kitchen trying to calm his hominas, Jen takes off with his sticks because she told Dick she knows who killed her parents. That's when Dick also finds out who killed her parents because the description of the guy as a marked up tally sheet kind of only fits one guy.

Alan Grant Presents Mister Zsasz sponsored by Alan Grant's Comic Book Characters Created by Alan Grant.

Nightwing #28 Rating: +5 Ranking. I was really beginning to get bored with this book so thank Higgins and Dauterman for this issue. I think this is the first book I've read with Dauterman's art and I approve of it. I suppose I actually hated the change to Chicago less than the Prankster/Tony Zucco story. But I'm definitely ready for the Mature Audiences Issue when Sonia and Dick finally get together!

Suicide Squad #28

Who would win in a fight? OMAC's testicles or The Hulk's testicles?

So Forever Evil has been going on for about six years now but I think it's almost over! Rogue's Rebellion #5 is currently in my stack and it says "5 of 6" which means that series is almost over! And I'm making the assumption that Forever Evil must be ending sometime soon after that. Maybe a month or two after? I have a feeling that the current incarnation of the Suicide Squad is going to be obliterated by the events of this Forever Evil crossover. Why else is it the only regular non-Justice League book to have been sucked into the Vortex of Crossing Over? Even Nightwing's comic got out of telling crossover stories and he's nearly dead from Forever Evil!

Let's see who won the fight that began last issue, shall we? It was between OMAC and King Shark and Nutty Cuckoo Super King Shark. One other thing that is probably going to be important later is that Waller had just found Kevin Kho's virtual personality on The Thinker's laptop.

That's why I'm not successful! I don't keep a Field Journal! I'm always telling the Non-Certified Spouse that I need a scribe because I never remember any of the super hilarious things I say on a daily basis.

I bet Amanda Waller got the Journal idea from Slade Wilson! Amanda says it's a "mental journal" because Deathstork's Slade Wilson's War Journal always sounded really stupid because he wrote it in the present tense as if he were writing it as he was confronting Lobo. "So here I am standing here face to face with the most dangerous person in the...sorry, I just had to tell him to hang on a moment while I jotted this down for future reference. Who the fuck punches a guy as he's writing in his diary War Journal?" But I think she calls it her "mental journal" because it's totally crazy! Fun Fact: The Mad Hatter was originally called The Mental Hatter. Another Fun Fact: Whenever somebody begins a sentence with "fun fact," you can be assured it will neither be "fun" nor a "fact."

I suppose I'm obligated to begin Amanda Waller's Mental Journal now. Dammit.

Amanda Waller continues to drone on and on and on! She's far more verbose than Slade Wilson ever was! That first page of her Mental Journal was just two of twelve Narration Boxes full of her journal notes. And it was the two smallest boxes! No way am I going reproduce her entire Journal! If this were a paid gig, sure. No problem there! Maybe even if there were just some additional perks like free Oreos or hand jobs. Oh! Maybe if I work Oreos into every page of Amanda Waller's Mental Journal, they'll send me loads and loads of Oreos for the free advertising. I don't know who I'd have to appeal to to get the hand jobs though.

The gist of her mental journal is that, hopefully, King Shark and Nutty Cuckoo Super King Shark can distract OMAC long enough for Amanda Waller to shut the creature down. She was going to send it into some random dimensional portal that her team accidentally opened up a few years back but then she met Kevin. And Kevin thinks he can take back control of OMAC and save everybody's life.

I remember Kevin. And, for what it's worth, I am not optimistic in his abilities.

Luckily help is on the way!

Possibly. Who actually knows with this team?

The team parachutes into Belle Reve to help save the day. I think. Maybe they just came back to beat the shit out of Harley for dropping the Rocky Mountains on them. I'm sure they all have their own individual reasons for attending this gig. Steel's my hero of Page Six because he accidentally electrocutes James Gordon Jr. I'm glad I won't have to listen to that asshole for a few pages! Harley explains to the others that bringing OMAC back might have been a bit of a faux pas on her part and that maybe she acted a bit rashly. Especially because now he's teaching King Shark how to ballroom dance.

This won't end well.

The finale of the dance is a fantastic bit that puts one in the mind of humid summers on the New England shores watching a dog's carcass on the nearby highway get hit again and again and again by every passing motorist, until the dog becomes an unrecognizable red smear that stretches a dozen feet down the asphalt. It's grand! And terrifying! And also makes quite a mess since it involves Kama, King Shark's dad, being torn in two.

Next OMAC pulls out half an android from King Shark's belly which reminds me: what the fuck ever happened to Yo-Yo? He went from my most hated character ever created to my most favoritest new member of the Suicide Squad when it turned out he'd lived inside King Shark for many months. Being that his super powers were kind of Plastic Man-like, I can't buy that he actually died when Deadshot blew his head off. I'm sure he'll pull himself together at some point. Please?

Also whatever happened to Light Lime? She was still alive, right? I miss her!

OMAC manages to put the entire Squad down just as Captain Boomerang finally parachutes in. OMAC doesn't bother with Boomer and wanders off to find Amanda as Harley tells Deadshot the new plan: find some bullets to shoot themselves with. Hmm. That sounds like it solves all of their problems but what about the rest of the world?!

Oh. Okay. This had better work!

Deadshot puts one bullet in Harley, one in Amanda, and one in himself. And then everything goes black.

Suicide Squad #28 Rating: No change. How many times is Deadshot going to shoot himself in this comic? I didn't think the suicide part of the title was supposed to be taken so literally. Oh well. This comic book needs more Boomer.

Batgirl #28

I understand my flaws. So let me apologize right up front for calling Silver "Sliver" through a good portion of this commentary.

I've never put any real time into researching the common mistakes I make while typing and the reasons for them but I suspect they have to do with certain uppity fingers getting ahead of their slower partners and just not giving any fucks about typing the word correctly. When I type "mantis," it often comes out as "manits" on the first try. This seems to make sense because that "t" key is so fucking far away it might as well be on Mars. When I type "Deathstroke," there's a 50/50 chance it'll come out as "Deathstorke." This might also have to do with that Goddamned "t" key slowing shit down so much that the "o" beats the "r" to the punch. I should be okay with Sliver...well, that mistake just killed where that sentence was going! Typing is hard!

Actually, typing is one of the easiest things I've ever learned how to do. I took a typing class in seventh grade (on actual typewriters (although they were electric so I didn't have to keep banging the mechanism (whatever it's called) back to the starting position)) and then accidentally practiced my skills by playing text adventures on my Apple IIe until I was as good at typing as a sexist stereotype of a 1970s sexually harassed secretary. I had to dream about being sexually harassed though because that wouldn't happen until college. It could have happened earlier with a number of different partners but I was content in the Not Getting Any Trifecta of other interests: Warhammer, Masturbation, and Being Completely Infatuated With a Girl That Didn't Fucking Want Any of This. Perhaps all the masturbation and Warhammer was a turn off? At least I only did one of those things in front of her.

Is Batgirl (oh yeah! I also tend to type "Batgril" instead of "Batgirl" and I don't know what that's about. It could be I'm not concentrating very well because I always think "Batgorilla" before I think "Batgirl") done with all of her crossovers? We got Zero Year and Gothtopia out of the way, right? And the Wanted story arc is over as well, right? So I don't actually need to remember anything too important before reading this issue, correct?

Who the fuck am I talking to?

The issue begins with Mr. Uchida (Lord Google informs me that his name means "inner rice paddy." It must be a metaphor that I'm too thick to see right now. Maybe deeper into the story it will make sense. Or maybe I shouldn't trust that idiot Lord Google?) being bathed by Miss Targa (Lord Google informs me that her name means "shield." Now that name makes sense since she seems to be Uchida's valet and I'm pretty sure the number one job of a valet is to throw their life away to save the life of the person they bathe).

Why doesn't he just get that Bat App that updates Batfamily member locations in real time? I bet Sliver is a Luddite.

Now I'm just typing "Sliver" because I'm thinking of him as Sliver! Where's the button to recalibrate the human brain?

Batgirl is currently just doing the normal night out thing. That isn't going to a movie with her boyfriend and hoping he slides his hand down her inner thigh while she stuffs chocolate into her mouth. A normal night for Batgirl is running around from rooftop to rooftop, swinging from building to building, noticing people stalking her, hunting down college kids in Halloween Masks, and punching her friends in the face. Although when your friend is trying to catch up to you and can't yell "Hey you fucking idiot! Slow down!" because your friend is Strix and she can't talk, these kinds of things sometimes go down. Although if your friend is Strix, she can also take the punch to the face no problem. Although she still acts hurt like a Footballer hamming it up for a Red Card.

Of course she's okay! She's just trying to make you feel good about your weak-ass face punching skills, Babs. You're no Supergirl.

Strix wants Batgirl's help to find a missing 8 year old girl that can't speak. When Batgirl wonders why Strix wants her help, Strix takes out a pen and pad of paper to write down, "you = detektif." I guess Dinah finally cracked the seal on the Birds of Prey Treasury to buy Strix a pad to write on! It's only taken...well, I can't say how many issues it's taken because it took Strix's appearance in Batgirl to get her pad of paper! No more writing her messages on the walls in raccoon feces! Hey, I'm not making that up! I mean, maybe, just maybe, it wasn't actually raccoon feces. It could have been cat feces.

Batgirl's first detektif move is to call her BFF (Best Fremesis Forever) Daybreak aka Squirerise aka Knightfall aka Charise Carnes. She'd rather not call this woman that tried to have her killed multiple times but that's the hard knock life of a true detektif. You have to deal with a black and white world where you think weird shit constantly like "the dame in front of me had a long story but longer gams" and "I could tell by the sound of her voice that she was about to betray me. The cocking of the pistol was a pretty big clue too." And, like Batgirl here, you have to deal with "acquaintances" that usually would rather see you dead than help you out of a tough situation. The cops usually hate your guts too, so Batgirl is truly winning at being a hardboiled detektif.

Charise offers to help with no strings attached because a little girl's life is at stake and Knightfall truly thinks she's helping protect Gotham City. And maybe she is! I think her method is actually a little bit less violent than Batman's!

Meanwhile, Silver reveals that he's schizophrenic. He sees Batgirl and Strix as vampires feasting on the kids that they were tying up for the Gotham Police to find. I wrote a short story back in college about a schizophrenic werewolf hunter and it was basically this same idea. Although I always meant to flesh it out into a larger and more ambiguous story. Is there an actual murderer on the loose killing people with silver bullets or is he actually hunting werewolves which revert back to human form when killed? The main reason I could never get serious about writing the story was that I was too sympathetic to werewolves themselves. They aren't monsters or killers. They're just humans with a disease that makes them act horribly one or two nights a month. Just imagine if we killed everybody that acted like an asshole when they were sick! Barely anybody would make it to adulthood.

Silver might be schizophrenic but Miss Targa must simply be a complete psychopath to help this guy stake people all over Gotham. Unless Silver is the actual vampire and Miss Targa is his thrall. That's probably what's going on. He's just trying to save people from the same kind of torture that he's had to live with after becoming the living undead.

Since vampires have been mentioned, I'll throw in my usual Best Vampire Movie of All Time Plug: Let the Right One In. Holy fuck that movie is subtle in its horror! Part of its beauty over the American remake is, in fact, the subtlety in the way it lets the true horror of what's going on unravel in the mind of the viewer instead of spelling it out onscreen. I fucking hate that Hollywood has basically accepted that movies need to be aimed at the stupidest motherfuckers amongst us.

Later, Babs and Mary (Batgirl and Strix!) dress up like regular folk to go speak with Cissie Chastain the missing girl's mom.

This is Batgirl being a dick and/or trying to be funny. She did not forget. Unless I've forgotten what "eidetic memory" means!

I know, I know! It's just a figure of speech that slipped out before Batgirl thought better of it! Here's the problem with being facetious on the internet: you constantly have to explain that you actually knew better or get inundated with messages telling you how fucking stupid you are. Part of the issue is that most people don't think a person would actually put something out there that makes them sound like an idiot just because they think it is funny. You can imagine how often I get corrected by people! I once said that I was the biggest Alice in Wonderland fan of all time and that I even loved the second book, whatever it's name was. And someone came along and told me the name of the second book. Now, I wasn't trolling anyone! I didn't even expect anybody to take that seriously! I just thought it was a simple joke. But that's what happens when you put something out over the internet. You're going to get every reaction possible to what you've written. I've seen some people write really, really, really long-winded explanations because they try to counter all the ways people might possibly misread what they're saying. But it's just useless! Because you can't foresee the reaction of everyone! So I just say the foolish shit I say and let the dice come up snake eyes for whoever wants the dice to come up snake eyes. Hell, I've even responded to people facetiously thinking they'd understand that I'm not offended, even writing it in so hyperbolic a way that there's no way they can think I'm serious, and, of course, they still think I'm pissed off.

Here's a secret: if you can't tell if I'm joking or not, I'm probably joking. Not serious. Rarely serious here. Sometimes serious. But not often. Hardly ever angry (except at robots. Fuck robots). Total whimsical bitch. Can't take anything seriously. Possibly a medical condition. Don't mind me!

Batgirl's case ties in with Silver's obsession! That's fortuitous! Wait, let me check my dictionary. Yeah! Fortuitous!

The next few pages are the Batgirl versus Sliver pages. You know what? I'm just going to embrace it. His name is Sliver from now on. The next few pages are also the Strix versus Miss Targa pages! I don't want to shortchange Strix when she's been so gracious with her time and agreeing to guest star in this comic book. Besides, I think that's the more interesting fight. It's always the antagonist's right hand man that's the most interesting person anyway. Like Renfield! Or Muttley! Or Judas! Or Dr. Claw's cat!

Or maybe he just has a severe case of Vampire Testicular Rigor Mortis.

The Gotham City Police arrive and break up the fight. But Sliver lets Babs know that it doesn't matter because he has the Vampire Queen and she's rigged to blow at sunrise. Batgirl, being a much better detektif than I am, intuits that the Vampire Queen Sliver is speaking of is in fact Cissie Chastain. I don't know why Sliver thinks she's the Vampire Queen but if he's really schizophrenic, the reason will probably only make sense if I were on LSD. Although Cissie was kidnapped from a hospital so maybe she was getting a blood transfusion which tripped Sliver's skewed perception of reality (or maybe the objective perception of reality? How do I know? Who am I to judge which reality is least subjective?) and he believed he saw her feeding or giving her blood to infect others. Hell, maybe it's just as simple as Miss Targa having been in love with Cissie's dad but he rejected her because he was married. So Miss Targa found a crazy person to do her dirty work for her, telling him Cissie's dad was a vampire that needed to be killed and that Cissie was the Queen.

Batgirl #28 Rating: +2 Ranking. I hope next issue continues this story and not Batgirl: Forever Evil or Batgirl Meets Scooby Doo. I wish Gail Simone had chosen Condor as the guest star so she could have him killed. Man, I hate that guy. I really hate him! I'm not being whimsical or facetious here! If I met Condor on the street, I would shank his bitch ass without a thought! Seriously!