Suicide Squad #28

Who would win in a fight? OMAC's testicles or The Hulk's testicles?

So Forever Evil has been going on for about six years now but I think it's almost over! Rogue's Rebellion #5 is currently in my stack and it says "5 of 6" which means that series is almost over! And I'm making the assumption that Forever Evil must be ending sometime soon after that. Maybe a month or two after? I have a feeling that the current incarnation of the Suicide Squad is going to be obliterated by the events of this Forever Evil crossover. Why else is it the only regular non-Justice League book to have been sucked into the Vortex of Crossing Over? Even Nightwing's comic got out of telling crossover stories and he's nearly dead from Forever Evil!

Let's see who won the fight that began last issue, shall we? It was between OMAC and King Shark and Nutty Cuckoo Super King Shark. One other thing that is probably going to be important later is that Waller had just found Kevin Kho's virtual personality on The Thinker's laptop.

That's why I'm not successful! I don't keep a Field Journal! I'm always telling the Non-Certified Spouse that I need a scribe because I never remember any of the super hilarious things I say on a daily basis.

I bet Amanda Waller got the Journal idea from Slade Wilson! Amanda says it's a "mental journal" because Deathstork's Slade Wilson's War Journal always sounded really stupid because he wrote it in the present tense as if he were writing it as he was confronting Lobo. "So here I am standing here face to face with the most dangerous person in the...sorry, I just had to tell him to hang on a moment while I jotted this down for future reference. Who the fuck punches a guy as he's writing in his diary War Journal?" But I think she calls it her "mental journal" because it's totally crazy! Fun Fact: The Mad Hatter was originally called The Mental Hatter. Another Fun Fact: Whenever somebody begins a sentence with "fun fact," you can be assured it will neither be "fun" nor a "fact."

I suppose I'm obligated to begin Amanda Waller's Mental Journal now. Dammit.

Amanda Waller continues to drone on and on and on! She's far more verbose than Slade Wilson ever was! That first page of her Mental Journal was just two of twelve Narration Boxes full of her journal notes. And it was the two smallest boxes! No way am I going reproduce her entire Journal! If this were a paid gig, sure. No problem there! Maybe even if there were just some additional perks like free Oreos or hand jobs. Oh! Maybe if I work Oreos into every page of Amanda Waller's Mental Journal, they'll send me loads and loads of Oreos for the free advertising. I don't know who I'd have to appeal to to get the hand jobs though.

The gist of her mental journal is that, hopefully, King Shark and Nutty Cuckoo Super King Shark can distract OMAC long enough for Amanda Waller to shut the creature down. She was going to send it into some random dimensional portal that her team accidentally opened up a few years back but then she met Kevin. And Kevin thinks he can take back control of OMAC and save everybody's life.

I remember Kevin. And, for what it's worth, I am not optimistic in his abilities.

Luckily help is on the way!

Possibly. Who actually knows with this team?

The team parachutes into Belle Reve to help save the day. I think. Maybe they just came back to beat the shit out of Harley for dropping the Rocky Mountains on them. I'm sure they all have their own individual reasons for attending this gig. Steel's my hero of Page Six because he accidentally electrocutes James Gordon Jr. I'm glad I won't have to listen to that asshole for a few pages! Harley explains to the others that bringing OMAC back might have been a bit of a faux pas on her part and that maybe she acted a bit rashly. Especially because now he's teaching King Shark how to ballroom dance.

This won't end well.

The finale of the dance is a fantastic bit that puts one in the mind of humid summers on the New England shores watching a dog's carcass on the nearby highway get hit again and again and again by every passing motorist, until the dog becomes an unrecognizable red smear that stretches a dozen feet down the asphalt. It's grand! And terrifying! And also makes quite a mess since it involves Kama, King Shark's dad, being torn in two.

Next OMAC pulls out half an android from King Shark's belly which reminds me: what the fuck ever happened to Yo-Yo? He went from my most hated character ever created to my most favoritest new member of the Suicide Squad when it turned out he'd lived inside King Shark for many months. Being that his super powers were kind of Plastic Man-like, I can't buy that he actually died when Deadshot blew his head off. I'm sure he'll pull himself together at some point. Please?

Also whatever happened to Light Lime? She was still alive, right? I miss her!

OMAC manages to put the entire Squad down just as Captain Boomerang finally parachutes in. OMAC doesn't bother with Boomer and wanders off to find Amanda as Harley tells Deadshot the new plan: find some bullets to shoot themselves with. Hmm. That sounds like it solves all of their problems but what about the rest of the world?!

Oh. Okay. This had better work!

Deadshot puts one bullet in Harley, one in Amanda, and one in himself. And then everything goes black.

Suicide Squad #28 Rating: No change. How many times is Deadshot going to shoot himself in this comic? I didn't think the suicide part of the title was supposed to be taken so literally. Oh well. This comic book needs more Boomer.

Suicide Squad #27

At first glance, I thought Deadshot's brains were leaking out.

Here is a review of my blog: "i have no idea what's happening here"

One of the reasons I'm such a horrible writer is that I assume that people already know everything and that I don't have to explain myself. It's why I can't write critical essays about anything because I watch a movie like Boxing Helena, and I figure, "What is there to write about? It's obviously a feminist movie about the male gaze and how love and objectification are inherently intertwined to such a degree that even most people don't know when they actually love a person or they love the idea of the person that they've put upon a pedestal. At least they're unsure up until somebody hacks off their true love's arms and legs and makes them realize that they can live without that person." Or something like that. I don't know. I only saw the movie the one time many years ago. I don't even know why I brought it up just now! Fuck. This is why I'm a horrible writer!

Most people probably wouldn't even consider me a writer since they probably have only read this blog which could easily be misconstrued as "criticism." I suppose that's a valid argument although you're getting into a weird semantic place if you've decided that "critics" aren't actually "writers." I'd say you'd have to look at each case individually. Roger Ebert was a great writer and critic. Critics that think up a few puns on the title of a movie they were paid to see are not writers. They are whores (minus the sexual connotation of that meaning plus the connotation of doing anything for money multiplied by bad facial hair).

At least I'm not the "writer" that reblogged a gif set of Beyonce singing "Surfboard. Surfboard. Grainin' on that wood. Grainin', grainin' on that wood" and then captioned it with "She is literally singing about riding dick." No. NO! She is metaphorically singing about riding dick! Unless Jay-Z's penis is named "Surfboard" this is a metaphor. If she were literally singing about "riding dick," the lyrics would be, "Penis! Penis! Ridin' on that dick. Ridin', ridin' on that dick." See the difference?

So now that we've gotten past how much I suck, let's turn our attention to something that doesn't suck: your mom! Shit, there goes my bad writing again! Well, I couldn't honestly type "Suicide Squad" after saying "something that doesn't suck," could I? It's not like this comic book has been very consistent in its characters and story telling. I hear it's been cancelled which is good because it needs to go back to the drawing board. DC, leave this one in the closet until you've come up with a decent game plan for it.

When we last saw the Suicide Squad, the Rocky Mountains had fallen on top of them.

Too late! Deadshot already lit a lighter at the end of last issue! So thank him for proving there were no gas leaks.

Oh! That panel reminded me how when people begin any comment by saying, "Guys!", you know you're about to hear the most obvious bullshit ever. It usually happens when people are leaving joking comments and having fun and being facetious and then some person that thinks they're going to edumacate all the lazy, joking slackers about a thing or two pipes up to tell everyone something that they probably already fucking knew. Generally it's apparent that everybody knew what the "Guys!" Guy was going to say because the jokes wouldn't work if people didn't know what the jokes were playing off of. "But Guys! Listen! In all seriousness, this is the most important thing that was ever written because of reasons!" Fuck off, you namby-pamby titmouse!

Although maybe my annoyance of the "Guys!" people is an off-shoot of my thinking that everybody already knows everything which makes me a horrible writer?!

Power Girl showing off her Grandmaster Boob/Butt Showcase Skills. Also, take a look at the Boob Window, R.B. Silva. That's where it should be placed.

Once this group manage to get out from under the rock Power Girl is holding up, they split up to find an exit from the rubble. Deadshot and Jerko head down deeper, Captain Boomerang and Steel head up, and the Unknown Soldier and the most useful person in this situation stay put to relay messages between groups. How about a better plan? Power Girl makes a hole for them all to climb through. Laser eyes. Super strength. Ability to eat anything and not have to poo. Whatever power she chooses. She can save them all and The Unknown Soldier volunteers for her to do nothing. He must have some ulterior motive. Or else giving him super duper powers has weakened his ability to think tactically.

The next bunch of pages are spent giving readers the origins of this rag-tag group of rag-tags. I'm not sure why I need to know where Power Girl came from in the pages of Suicide Squad. It's been covered elsewhere and I don't think it needed two pages to explain that she's a hero and not one of the criminals that usually wind up in the Suicide Squad. The Unknown Soldier also gets a bit of a reminder of who he is. It's not really enough to explain anything except to those that don't already know it. And hopefully not many people know his secret origin since it was first told in Men of War and that comic book series was awful in its execution. Mediocre stories told poorly. That should be the blurb on the back cover of the Men of War Trade Paperback! "Mediocre stories told poorly--Tessatechaitea!"

The Unknown Soldier mentions his families death in "a random act of terror." I fucking hate that term. It's not a random act of terror! It's a random act of violence! The Unknown Soldier actually corrects himself later and changes it to just that phrase. A general sense of terror and unease is what is supposed to be created by these random acts of violence. But people do not die in terror bombings. They die in bombings. Stop fucking labeling everything with terror. The goal of the terrorist is to create terror. And apparently the goal of the media and government officials is exactly the same fucking thing.

Steel also gets a bit of a refresher on his origin but his is informative. He really hasn't been seen much (or at all?) since his appearance in Action Comics, so his bit explains what happened to him since then.

So let me get this straight. Waller uses vile people to do things she believes are for the greater good and Steel thinks this is wrong. So he wants to use Waller, a person vile to him, to do things he believes are for the greater good. Narcissist!

Captain Boomerang gets a bit and that's all new because he's made a few minor appearances but not yet had a secret origin. In the Preboot Universe, his secret origin was that he was a guy that learned how to throw boomerangs. But now in the Reboot Universe, he has magic boomerangs! So how'd he get those? According to his two page origin, not even he knows. Or he's at least pretending not to know. His normal boomerang throwing origin seems to be that of a young psychopath going through all the normal motions. Killing small animals. Probably setting fires. Most likely wetting the bed. And then escalating to killing tourists. His mother was one of Australia's indigenous people and seems to have found Captain Boomerang abandoned in the Outback. He also might just be called "Boomerang" instead of "Captain Boomerang" but that's confusing because doesn't Marvel have a guy just named Boomerang?

Warrant also gets a file. His amounts to "I was a Teenage Douchebag." Probably. I don't know. Why bother reading it? He's a jerk. Who calls themselves Warrant? After that mess in the eighties and/or very early nineties, that name should be as dead as Hitler and Judas. The most important part about Warrant is that he's Israeli. No wait. I fucked that up. The most important part about Warrant is that he's after Deadshot. And he doesn't know the meaning of Wanted: Dead or Alive. Mostly because of that "alive" part.

Deadshot's file is all about Deadshot remembering every bullet he's ever shot out of every gun ever. He also must be fairly delusional since he talks about putting every bullet he shoots where he meant to shoot it and planning every kill in precise detail. But he seems to be forgetting all the off-the-cuff shooting and killing he does while on Squad missions gone bad.

Anyway, everybody seems to have somebody else in their sights. Power Girl and Steel want to kill Waller. The Unknown Soldier and Boomerang want to kill Harley. Warrant wants to kill Deadshot. And Deadshot thinks about killing Harley but we all know who he's really going to kill, don't we?

I guess Warrant was too "badass" to kill even though his name was so stupid. He'll be back for an EPIC SHOWDOWN against Deadshot in an issue with a cover that screams, "WARRANT UNLEASHED!"

Everybody escapes the rubble (except Warrant. Ha ha!) and the team radios back to Waller to be picked up. Or maybe they'll use Boomerang's plane or whatever it is they used to get here. And back at Belle Reve as a Thinker-Controlled OMAC battles King Shark and Nutty Cuckoo Super King Shark, Amanda Waller begins a conversation with Kevin Kho on Thinker's personal computer. Kevin, OMAC's original host, is trapped within OMAC and is now probably Amanda's secret weapon.

Suicide Squad #27 Rating: +2 Ranking. Fine. I enjoyed this issue even though Warrant is a stupid name. Also, I actually like Warrant's back story. But I hate his name so I will never like him ever. It was also nice to not have to read any of James Gordon, Jr's dialogue. I think Captain Boomerang needs his own comic book now. I have nothing more to say. Do real writers end their works better? Maybe I'm not a real writer! Maybe I'm just a poet and this is how poet's end things. This is how poet's end things.

Suicide Squad #23

This issue looks like a lot of fun!

I've got other writing projects to work on, so I'm thinking about changing the way I do things here. Although changing my routine hurts me in the space in my brain where most people feel love and affection. I feel comfortable doing the same thing over and over again. Which many of you have probably noticed if you've managed to read my commentaries for more than one month in a row. Same old Superboy jokes over and over. Same old Scott Lobdell attacks. Same fucking swears, over and over and over. But that's why I was thinking about trying something new! I was thinking a way to make this less time intensive on my end was to do one comic per day in the normal way, writing the commentary as I read the comic book. And then for the second commentary of the day, I'd just read the book and comment on it afterward. The biggest problem with beginning this new format will be beginning the new format. I'll have to think about it for a bit. Maybe the next time I read a comic I've become bored with (like Batwing!), I'll do the commentary the new way.

Now that the boring business part of the commentary is over with, it's time for the boring commentary part of the commentary!

Last issue we learned that everybody was going to die because the Samsara Project was causing everybody to reject their souls. This issue, Amanda Waller has some 'splaining to do!

And James Gordon Jr. has some Foreigner to sing.

This is my art paragraph! So far, I really like the new artist! I think this is his first book for The New 52. That was my art paragraph!

Apparently John Lynch was behind all the non-Waller chaos of the last couple of issues. The reason it doesn't feel at all tacked on is because Waller was withholding the information the way she normally does. So it totally makes sense that Anarchoterrorists weren't really behind trying to flood Las Vegas with Shit Monsters or that Harley Quinn wasn't actually trying to break out of prison when she eventually worked out a Suicide Squad Benefits Package with Amanda. But anyway, John Lynch is their real enemy. You remember him, right? The dick leader of Team 7? The reason for all of this chaos? Not to test his Hypnotizing Billboard Technology. No, no. It's to fuck with Amanda Waller.

So the Suicide Squad is busy trying to infiltrate their way into Mingowee. The last time I had a Geography class was in 7th grade where I wrote an oral report about Icebergs by simply copying the text out of a sixties encyclopedia. Seriously, how could I not plagiarize something so fucking boring as icebergs? Was I supposed to punch it up with some dick jokes?

Oh, also, Comic Books tend to make up names for fake countries! So Mingowee is probably a fake name and Ales Kot made it up because it sounds like a hurt vagina in British Slang.

"Oh look! A pale white clown woman with a pie in her picnic basket! This should be fun and isn't suspicious or weird at all!"

There's a bit of a flashback where the details of Harley and Amanda's new benefit package are discussed. The neck bombs have been removed from the Squad and they'll all be released in a year to work as informants. So the deal is to become a snitch? Sounds like a pretty shitty deal. If they, you know, stick to it. I can't see King Shark (or Harley (or Deadshot!)) becoming informants.

Look out! She's got a pie! She's also looking mighty adorable!

I bet her pie is full of a slow acting poison that will give the guards horrible diarrhea and kill them in a day and a half. Or she might just use the gun that's next to the pie. Either way.

Cheetah runs around setting off landmines for some reason. I suppose to be a distraction? Because I doubt Waller is sending in any military vehicles to help the Squad out. And Deadshot is sniping John Lynch in the face.

Just like Call of Duty! One shot in the head doesn't fucking do a thing! At least John Lynch didn't lunge from this distance with his knife and kill Deadshot. Then it would have been exactly like Call of Duty! Also, where did that piglet come fro...oh, never mind. It's John Lynch's hand.

And then the expected Small Terrorist Nation Super Villain Team shows up! First up against Harley is Crow Jane. The Crow versus the Clown! She either has the ability to command crows, or she's really good with .32, .44, and .38 caliber pistols. She also might be talented at finding roadkill.

Or maybe she has bird vision and sees things slower so she can count bullets from an automatic weapon. You know what's easier than counting bullets, Crow? Listening for the gun to stop making POW POW POW noises! She probably burned through the entire clip in just a few seconds.

Next up is Lamplight. This guy looks like a second-rate Green Lantern and his Lamp is powered by a hand crank. He calls King Shark ugly because, and I'm just guessing here, Lamplight has never looked at himself in a mirror while wearing his ridiculous outfit.

Impetus goes after Cheetah because he's the fast one and the fast people always have to fight the fast people. That's stupid thinking! What I would do is have the fast villain go after all of the heroes except the fast hero. Then I'd have all the villains that are left team up against the fast guy. It might work if you're the one doing the ambushing! Nobody expects to be doing one thing and then to be tied up and naked and hanging from a tree one second later!

Lastly, Amaze pins Deadshot to the ground with her foot. So it looks like a Dollar Store version of the Justice League's big Five minus Superman. Maybe Lynch was saving Superman's slot for the day he could once again have Majestic under his control.

So Lamplight's powers are nonexistent and King Shark has powers I didn't know existed. Sonar? Really?

Isn't what King Shark describing simply really good hearing? I'm not saying he doesn't have sonar; it's just that he wasn't actually using it at this moment, was he? He just heard this idiot coming. And speaking of this idiot, did Lynch simply tell him he had powers that he doesn't actually have? Is this one of his hypnosis tricks? I suppose I actually just answered my own question when I called him an idiot.

Oh yeah! Lynch called for help from Titan when he was shot in the face. So Titan is the Superman equivalent on this team.

Impetus is defeated by Cheetah's landmine bees. Those are bees that smell dynamite and lead people to land mines. Or something. I don't know! I seem to have let my Great Moments in the Advancement of Modern Warfare Magazine subscription lapse. Even if the bees could detect landmines, I'm not sure why they needed them. Cheetah could have simply run across the entire field before the bees even found one mine.

Crow Jane ends up being less like Batman and more like Black Canary. I should have guessed by her Ross Dress for Less version of Dinah's old outfit. She actually looked more like Zatanna when I first saw her. But now she tries to scream at Harley and just gets hit in the face by Harley's landmine pie. Good thing the bees didn't set it off!

You know, this Super Villain team might actually be decent if they didn't have to scream their imaginary super powers at their enemies.

Deadshot defeats Amaze with kissies and doing its. Although before they can get to the doing it part of the plan, Titan cock blocks him. But then Deadshot proves that Titan's no Superman.

Too bad he uses up his one cock block for the day because he could have used it here.

Once Titan is down and Deadshot gets clear with Amaze, Amanda Waller has dozens of drones (and a stealth bomber!) bomb the crap out of Mingowee. Lynch seems to be somewhat immortal or something, so he'll probably be back. But for now, his plans of taking over a small nation state and using their oil and gold resources for his own ends has fallen through. And not just because most of the nation's super team has been beaten but because the Leader, Paris Mingowee, has been killed as well.

This page made up for all of the horrible jokes throughout the issue. Plus Harley is looking adorable again.

Suicide Squad #23 Rating: No change. I'm always wishing comic books would be more whimsical and fun. And then Ales Kot adds a lot more of that aspect to this book. Which I think it definitely needs. He nails it in that last page I scanned. I really liked the lightening of the mood in most places but I found some of his attempts awkward and ill-fitting of the mood. Like when he announces Mingowee in the Narration Boxes as "Some Country Somewhere Far Away" and then gives the president's title as a long joke title. I'm not against this kind of thing; it just didn't work for me here. I'm still not a fan of James Gordon Jr. being in love with Waller and not acting anything like a sociopath or psychopath. If it weren't for the fact that he's Narration Boxing all of his love feelings and his sudden philosophy of kindness, I'd believe he had some kind of ulterior motive. Perhaps Bab's Batarang caused some brain damage when it went through his eye.

Suicide Squad #22

"Oh my God! They've reruined Harley again again! Fuck DC! Give use the old new Harley back! Change is scary! I hate growing up! Why does everything die?!"

This is a phrase I couldn't stand hearing back when Harley first appeared and now I get to hear it all over again due to Palmiotti and Connor's upcoming Harley Quinn book: "I liked the old Harley better." There are subtle imaginative and creative variations on this statement but it all comes down to the same statement: "I liked the old Harley better." You know who you're surprising with that wildly creative criticism? Absofuckinglutely nofuckingbody! Although I'll defend your right to say uncritical, unintelligent, boring personal opinions because of America and shit. But I'll super-defend my right to say those opinions bore the ever living glory out of me. You know the main reason I hate hearing "I liked the old Harley better"? Because I seriously fucking doubt that any DC fan out there has taken the other side of the argument! "No, no! You're wrong! This new Harley written by the fabulously insightful Adam Glass is heads and shoulders and over-sized mallets above the old one!"

Hmm. You know what? I take that back! This is the internet where the Kings of Devil's Advocatism reign! "The new Harley Quinn is a mature, postmodern look at a woman driven past the breaking point by the abusive man she can't quit. She's a strong woman that has shaken the shackles of her love bondage from her mind and freed herself completely to be the intelligent, sexual, whimsical, serious Übermensch she always had the potential to be. Shedding the one piece footie costume was metaphor for breaking out of her cocoon. Her multi-colored ponytails have unfurled as her new wings. She wears less clothing to illustrate her greater freedom. And she fucks the shit out of Deadshot simply so she can make a joke about her vagina being like a clown car."

Okay, I almost had myself believing the new Harley was a genius creation until that last line where I remembered she once called her vagina a clown car. Oh Adam Glass. That was just awful.

Why do I always end up talking about Harley and her fans?! It just makes people angry because I always speak from a place of authority instead of backpedaling and mewling and placing "I thinks" and "in my opinions" in front of every Goddamn sentence! I should contemplate King Shark more. I wish he'd get his own book. Although I really don't like the King Shark being written by Ales Kot. In my opinion, Ales Kot has decided that King Shark was a Shakespearean Actor before he became a Man-Shark God. I think that's a poor way to take the character. If you'd allow me my humble suggestion, I would rather he maintained a mysterious persona driven mostly by the desire to eat the faces off of people.

This issue begins like an episode of Dragnet.

"This is the city. Las Vegas, Nevada. It was established in 1905 as a place to bury murdered prostitutes. Every month, more marriages end here than begin here. And that's a lot of marriages since Las Vegas is known for its quickie Elvis Impersonator Drive-thru Blackout Drunk Marriage Chapels. The economy is based on gangsters, pickpockets, and the sex trade but don't worry: it's family friendly. It also sports one of the highest "suicide" rates in the country. I just did air quotes with my fingers around suicide as I narrated. That's because those "suicides" are actually gangland hits. And when those "suicides" turn up in the desert, somebody has to figure out how they died. That's my job. My name is Waller, Amanda Waller. My partner is James Gordon, Jr."

The Suicide Squad have arrived in Las Vegas to participate in the "suicidal" body count. Deadshot and Harley are undercover playing Roulette when a pit boss approaches them for mysterious reasons. Usually those reasons are because security thinks they're cheating, they have bad body odor, or they're kids have just fallen in the fountain and drowned. It's also possible that they were recognized since Harley still has the white skin and she's wearing a mask. Oh! Wearing a mask will also bring security down on your heads pretty quickly!

I don't know why Deadshot is playing Roulette! He seems more like a Craps man to me. You get to accurately throw things. It has the best odds of survival. You get to kiss people for good luck. Maybe I'm just projecting. I love Craps and I would never play Roulette! I also think I have a gambling problem although I haven't gambled for many, many years. So it's not much of a problem now!

By the way, Harley looks great in her showgirl costume. I like that in the privacy of my home office, I can look at Harley and say she looks great in her non-footie outfit and not have to hear anybody say, "I liked the old Harley better."

On the third page, The Unknown Soldier appears on a billboard by a big breasted woman in a chain mail bikini (No, no. She's blonde) and shoots a terrorist in the face. It's very possible that these first three pages alone have been more entertaining than the entire 21 issue run previous. This is how a Suicide Squad book should begin! This is how these fuckers should act! These three pages have set the bar pretty high for the rest of the comic book. Hopefully Ales Kot doesn't just saunter on under that bar.

Although, if this issue does continue to be this good, then I really have to wonder what the fuck DC is doing driving Kot off of the book? So in a way, I hope it gets worse so I don't have to feel the Squad was finally headed in the right direction, only to be fucked by DC's editorial Fist of God.

The Soldier allows the terrorists to drive themselves to Waller since he promised them freedom and also to not shoot them in the face if they help The Squad defeat their employers. If these guys knew anything about Amanda Waller, they would have chosen to be shot in the face. Instead they head to their Mother with King Shark following.

Harley and Deadshot beat some more information out of the guy that I thought was a pit boss but was apparently an Anarchoterrorist working for Project TMA-3 ("Too Much Ass 3"? Are they stopping a porn production?). They also continue to say fairly unfunny things. If that's one thing I haven't liked much since Ales Kot took over, it's the not very funny snark coming out of Deadshot's mouth.

At least Harley still looks cute.

Amanda Waller sends Deadshot, Harley Quinn, and The Unknown Soldier into the worst hotel room in the world. It's because Dick Halloran isn't around to warn them not to go into it. But apparently there is a switch in the room to turn on the hypnosis billboards. Cheetah and King Shark are attacking The Mother's headquarters which seems fitting since The Mother is asking her children to consult their spirit animals.

What good is consulting your spirit animal? How many different types of advice can it give you? If your spirit animal is a kitten, it can advise you to "eat" or "potty" or "attack some string" or "spaz the fuck out" or "head bump" or "run around a table leg fifteen times." I guess some of those are good advice!

My spirit animal is a raccoon. It usually just tells me to "search the trash" or "wash your hands." I never listen to it.

When King Shark crashes through the roof, he reveals his secret identity to the enemy.

Maybe it's not his secret identity. Perhaps it's just gas from the escort he ate earlier.

And then The Mother reveals herself!

Nightshade! I thought I recognized her crazy hair profile in the shadows but my mental block kept telling me it was Medusa. My mental block is fucking stupid and doesn't know the difference between DC and Marvel.

I suppose The Suicide Squad is going to defeat her and then shove her on the team at a later date. At least, that's what would have happened had Ales Kot continued to write the book! Now I have to hope Matt Kindt (or whoever continues the series) remembers her!

After the billboards go live, the anarchists fuck monkeys at the Luxor and a shit monster rises out of the sewer treatment plant. So, you know, a usual Tuesday night in Las Vegas.

Waller radios Deadshot to tell him a gigantic shit monster is headed his way. And then Ales Kot finally makes me laugh. I mean, he's been trying so hard up until now that I kind of feel bad that it took so long.

The monkey primed me. Monkeys always prime me! Especially in Las Vegas.

Nightshade gets away while the rest of the Squad converge on the Human Shit Monster. As I noted in the previous issue, it's actually made from people. Speaking of being made from people, this is what I heard while eating at The Laughing Planet yesterday: "Who ordered the Soylent Green?"

But I'm still going to refer to this creature as a Shit Monster. But since I'm going to simply say they defeat it next paragraph, I'll only refer to it once more that way.

The Suicide Squad defeat the Shit Monster with bullets and shark's teeth. I'm not sure what the billboards hypnotizing people had to do with it. Perhaps because it was really a Suicide Corpse Monster and the billboards were causing people to commit suicide. Not that any of that matters now because you know what they say about Vegas. If you don't, fuck you. I'm not going to say it because it's a stupid slogan to have for a city.

While Amanda and Gordon are celebrating their first victory as a team, Waller's scientists come in with some terrific news!

Yay! No more Samsara Project! Or Deadshot. Or Waller. Or Harley Quinn. Oh well, at least no more resurrecting!

Suicide Squad #22 Rating: +5 Ranking. I don't know how Ales Kot's leaving is going to affect this but this will now be considered the First Issue of The New 52 Suicide Squad. The previous Kot issues can be Prequels. And those issues actually work much better if we ignore the previous issues the same way that Ales Kot ignored the previous issues! But I guess we'll simply be starting again in a few months, eh?

Suicide Squad #21

This is my favorite image of Harley so far. And Amanda's looking a little pudgy there, so that works too.

Even with the potential to blow off their heads at any moment, Amanda Waller doesn't think the Suicide Squad know their place. So she brought in a consultant to help her treat them poorly, James Gordon Jr The Corinthian. While her psychological bullshit may have truly fucked with the majority of the Squad, Harley Quinn trained with the master of the mind fuck. So she wasn't fazed at all. Also Voltaic exploded while being Samsara'd. Hopefully Amanda will have to go back to the stupid plot device drawing board with that program while Squad members actually have to die for a bit.

The non-real beginning begins with a gigantic creature composed of corpses smashing up Las Vegas while the Suicide Squad tries to stop it and keep Amanda Waller alive. Hopefully this King Kong Korpse is a by-product of the Samsara Project and proof that it's not feasible to keep it going. But forget that opening. It doesn't actually matter yet. Let's go back to the present where Harley Quinn is proving what I said last paragraph.

From what I've seen of The Unknown Soldier in G.I. Combat, he'll merely be slightly inconvenienced by that wound.

The Corinthian ditches Amanda Waller to go fuck with The Unknown Soldier while Amanda Waller makes an "I used to be fat" joke with her lockdown password. But the lockdown fails and Harley knocks Amanda out and gets control of the Nanocite Neck Bomb Master Detonator.

Surprise! Amanda Waller has enemies!

Harley frees up Deadshot and while he's cracking stupid and killing guards, Harley decides to do a little analyzing of Amanda. Harley, like me, wants to know why Amanda decided to play all of the stupid games last issue. Harley thinks Amanda is afraid and needs to tighten her control of things so she can control the uncertainty which breeds the fear. I think Amanda was fucking with the Squad to test out The Corinthian and maybe even The Unknown Soldier.

Deadshot meets up with The Unknown Soldier and defeats him in hand-to-hand combat. While I like that The Unknown Soldier seems to be fairly human in that his belly wound has made him vulnerable and that vulnerability causes him to lose the fight, it simply doesn't jive with Gray and Palmiotti's Unknown Soldier from G.I. Combat. But I hated that unstoppable machine, so I'm willing to accept this toned down version of The Unknown Soldier. The G.I. Combat Soldier was like the Suicide Squad backed by the Samsara Project. Too much power with not enough consequences.

It doesn't really matter that Deadshot beats The Unknown Soldier anyway because The Corinthian sneaks up on him and knocks him out. And then The Corinthian comes to rescue Amanda Waller whom he is in love with.

Dammit. Giving him sunglasses which he can flip up and show his normal eyeball just ruins the illusion! Now I can't ignore the fact that it's James Gordon, Jr.

Now that James has a gun on Harley and Harley has a knife on Amanda and Amanda has a job offer on James, they've found themselves in an Insane Asylum Inmate Standoff. They work through it like any other rational business people in the murder industry. Gordon accepts a job as intelligence analyst and Amanda accepts Harley's deal to make the Suicide Squad better. She doesn't explain the deal but judging by Deadshot's belief at the beginning of the issue that he'll be free in eleven months, it seems a little Suicide Squad restructuring is going on.

Suicide Squad #21 Rating: No change. No change just yet although it looks like big and better changes are coming. It seems Harley's deal will get the Squad into a place where the roster will rotate more frequently. I'm sure her deal is one that makes the previous illusion of risking their lives for early release a reality. So with Voltaic's explosion and this King Kong Korpse beast attacking Las Vegas, I think the Samsara Project is probably at an end (next month hopefully we'll learn the Korpse beast is a result of the Samsara Project). That would go a long way to making this book better. And if Harley's deal to fix the Squad really does begin to free up prisoners as they run one or two missions at a time, we'll see more villains in the mix and, hopefully, more deaths! In next month's Squad, they already have a new member: Cheetah with a Death Machine! So while I could have raised the Squad's ranking with this issue based on my speculation, I'd prefer to wait and see what happens next issue.

Suicide Squad #20

With a change of writers, I'm hoping more people than just Lime Light will end up dying. Fucking Adam Glass! How hard is it to make Suicide Squad successful? You change up the team every few issues, you kill off old B-List villains hardly anybody remembers, and you put Captain Boomerang on the team! That one sentence was a more successful issue than any Adam Glass wrote!

Last issue Deadshot was killed. Again. Also The Unknown Soldier showed up because the main thing this team has been lacking is a Rick Flag wannabe. Also the comic has been lacking a guy with bandages all over his face. And a guy with an enormous penis. I mean a guy with an enormous penis that isn't also a shark.

The issue begins back at Belle Reve where Deadshot is undergoing another infusion of Samsara. Voltaic is playing Scrabble with Harley Quinn but zombies suck at Scrabble so he doesn't stand a chance. A mysterious classified person meets with Amanda to discuss some of the other inmates.

David Graves, the cancer-ridden writer that's currently writing a book for Amanda. I think. That was a long time ago. Cheetah, the God of Cheetahs. She's waiting around to be rescued by The Legion of Doom The Secret Society of Super-villains. King Shark, the Shark. He's busy reading and turning into a giant vegan pansy.

I suppose with a new writer, a lot of characters are going to go through instant changes without any rhyme or reason.

See? Voltaic is no longer simply a reanimated corpse! He's a real, living, talking, Scrabble playing boy!

The Unknown Soldier doesn't stand for any disrespectful lip from zombies, so he beats the unliving shit out of Voltaic. The team is really coming together with The Unknown Soldier at the helm! Two members down and they haven't even gone on a mission yet! Speaking of the down members, Amanda and the secret classified man decide to check in on Deadshot next.

Yeah, could you please stop doing that? Or at least sell some of that Samsara shit to Bruce Wayne.

The Classified Man and Amanda Waller turn their attention to King Shark's cell where a woman is flirting with King Shark. The Classified Man says, "That is low, Waller." Waller responds, "I don't take personality assessments from scumbag serial killers." A-ha! So the Classified Man in the shades is a serial killer! Well, now I know who I'm hoping he is!

Come on! No Whammies! Please let it be The Corinthian! I know it won't be. It's probably going to be stupid James Gordon Junior instead.

Meanwhile in Harley Quinn's cell, Amanda and The Classified Man James Gordon Jr. The Corinthian (I'm just going to pretend it's The Corinthian from here on out just like I pretend that Light is Lime) have sent in a Joker Like-a-Look to try and send her back into crazy town. She's been much too rational lately since her Doctor Quinzel personality has come on strong. The Unknown Soldier is sent in to blow The Joker's head off while The Fake Joker tries to kill Harley. Except the Fake Joker didn't want to kill Harley so the plan sort of went tits up.

Is there enough Samsara to use on nobody's like Fake Joker?

King Shark bites the head off the prostitute when she slaps him and she turns out to be a robot. So King Shark is still King Shark even though he went through a one page phase where he was trying to be something else. Or something. Why bother? Wait, I'll bitch about this comic book as a whole after the rating. There's still some more stupid crap to talk about.

Voltaic is trying to be Samsara'd again after The Unknown Soldier beat him to death but he gets too much and explodes in the Resurrection Room. Good! Enough with the Samsara already!

The comic ends with the reveal of the actual identity of The Classified Man: it's James Gordon, Jr The Corinthian! And he's not a sociopath anymore because he's learned empathy! But he's still a serial killer. Except now he's in love with Amanda Waller. Holy fuck this is some bullshit. Except the part where The Corinthian is a member of The Suicide Squad now! Yay! He really should have fallen in love with Lime instead of Waller.

Suicide Squad #20 Rating: -2 Rankings. This entire issue is just Amanda Waller fucking with her team for no reason. She feels like she needs to put them in their place so they'll follow orders and work as a team better. But she already had nanocite bombs in their necks for that. She simply wanted to punish Deadshot for threatening to quit. And why the fuck does she need a sociopath as her right hand man? Oh, forgive me! He's now big time into empathy! Hey, Ales Kot? Guess what sociopaths don't understand? Yeah, fuckwad. It's EMPATHY! He might be able to pretend and go through the motions based on how he's seen people react. But he doesn't actually know what empathy is or how to feel it. Like the Androids in Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?. They think they can manipulate people because they know how empathy and emotions make people act. But they can never actually experience empathy and thus have no idea how powerful it can truly be. It's their big downfall! They think they can break humanities spirit by proving Mercer is a fraud and yet the fact that Mercer was a fake doesn't fucking matter because that isn't the important bit! It's the empathy and the joining of feeling that people get through Mercerism that matters! You stupid James Gordon Jr Sociopath! I think there was a point in there somewhere!

Anyway, I guess it's all just one big interview to see how well The Corinthian can manipulate the team's emotions. But I have no fucking idea why he's here anyway. Yet again, someone goes from Gotham to Belle Reve instantaneously. There must be some kind of wormhole I don't know about. And what the fuck, by the way, was that bullshit with King Shark? Just make him a fucking shark that likes to bite people's heads off! Stop trying to produce a character that the reader can connect with. There are plenty of those! I just want a fucking shark!

And the Samsara thing where Waller just gets to keep bringing everyone back to life if they die? Lose it already. Who the fuck cares if anyone dies if they never really die? Who thought that was an amazing new take on the Suicide Squad? It's really fucking dumb.

Suicide Squad #19

Why is he defeating them if he's their new leader? This story is going to be stupid, isn't it?

Last issue, Deadshot shot Yo Yo in his Neck Bomb to kill Red Orchid. It was really stupid because there were so many other options to choose from. Deadshot could have shot Red Orchid. Maybe that wouldn't have worked because it would have been like shooting a tree. Well, Yo Yo could have choked her with his elastic neck. Maybe that wouldn't have worked because it would have been like choking a tree. Hmm. Yo Yo could have bitten her head off with his elastic jaw muscles! I bet that would have worked because trees shouldn't have heads.

Shooting the bomb apparently killed Red Orchid and Yo Yo although nobody actually dies in the pages of the Suicide Squad, so Yo Yo will be okay. Besides, he spent weeks in King Shark's belly and was no worse for the digestion. But the entire penthouse came crashing down on the other Squad member's heads. But remember how nobody on the Squad ever dies? Yeah, they'll be okay.

Mere seconds ago, Waller was in Louisiana. Now she's suddenly in Gotham. I hate short cut story telling bullshit like this. Adam Glass, are you proposing I institute my Patented Drop-a-Rank Review System this issue? Because MINUS ONE RANKING!

Waller somehow arrived before the emergency response vehicles emergencily responded to the explosion and before Batman could respond to the Bat Signal. And remember, she was in Louisiana! And Gotham is in North Dakota. Or New Jersey. New York? Michigan? Anyway, it's a long way from Belle Reve! So she must have some super duper travel technology, right? Well if she does, it's one way because the only way for the Squad to escape the building without being seen is by diving into a garbage chute. Which King Shark probably shouldn't have fit into. MINUS ONE RANKING!

Deadshot gets into an argument with Waller because WHERE THE HELL DID SHE COME FROM?! And why would she bother heading into the field? That's what I said last issue! It makes no sense! I hate that Waller now has an action history with Team 7 and that she's capable of going on dangerous missions. It just fucks up the character completely. She's a female version of Deathstroke instead of a bad ass bitch that can make even Batman backdown with a raised eyebrow and a subtle threat. Well, maybe not Batman. But she should never go into the field and risk her life!

Except she's totally in love with Kurt Lance so she had to try to rescue him when the Squad failed and Regulus took him. So she shuts off everybody's nanobombs and joins the team to save Kurt.

Except is that really a good idea to shut off their neck bombs? I mean, seriously? Bite her head off, King Shark! Now's your chance! While she's melancholy and nostalgic!

Harley asks why Amanda turns off the "shock collars" (Idiot. They're nanocite bombs!) and Amanda says, "I need you. And if you come with me, I won't forget it." Then King Shark asks what will happen if they don't, Amanda says, "I will get what I came for. Then I will hunt down every one of you and kill you myself." That dialogue is worse than anything Scott Lobdell could have come up with in a majillion years. If Amanda is going to get what she wants even if they don't help her, why does she need them? If she can just force them to help her with the nanocite bomb threat (except Deadshot. He's willing to die), why turn them off and then owe them a favor? Why turn off the bomb and give them a choice when she just threatens to kill them if they don't help her now anyway? Fuck you, Adam Glass, for making Amanda Waller so fucking stupid. MINUS ONE RANKING!

Anyway, they decide to join her for stupid reasons. And even though Amanda took off from Louisiana and arrived almost immediately, just seconds after Regulus escaped with Kurt, Amanda has intel that Regulus is now in the sewers. Oh! That actually maybe makes sense because Black Spider once hunted Regulus in the sewers of Gotham, I think. So it might be old intel. But they need to get away from the Gotham Police anyway, so they might as well head into the sewers.

While trudging through the sewers, Amanda and Harley have a nice heart to heart conversation.

Of course she lost a lot of blood! She walked from Gotham City to Belle Reve! Hey wait a second! Does Adam Glass think Belle Reve is in Gotham City?!

As the group runs through the sewers to investigate gunshots, a mysterious shadow appears on the wall! I knew Yo Yo survived! I mean, I'm pretty sure Yo Yo survived and I'm pretty sure that's his shadow. It's not like Yo Yo would have died anyway. Adam Glass sucks at killing characters.

Meanwhile in New Zealand, some mysterious soldiers are digging OMAC out of the snow. Is that what happened to him after he got out of the hospital since he no longer was reactivated by The Engineer in Stormwatch since that never actually happened due to Adam One being killed immediately after being born?

Now that that nonsense interruption is out of the way, Deadshot and Harley find their teammates unconscious from the Swamp Angels. Were they a gang killed by Regulus or something? Well, now they're made of watery feces and glowing red eyes. They're led by a puddle of poo named Trench and they're probably going to help the Squad find Regulus. Except instead they kidnap Amanda Waller to take to Regulus so he'll stop treating them like shit. Hee hee! How else would he treat them?

Trench tries to drown Voltaic and discovers he can't drown a guy that doesn't need to breathe anymore because he's dead. He then gets shocked by him and dies. Maybe. Then King Shark knocks down the sewers and collapses the streets of Gotham on the Swamp People. And that's when Deadshot begins talking sense. Finally.

When did King Shark care about anything except biting people in the face? I liked him better when he barely spoke.

While they're arguing about how stupid it is to keep their word to Amanda Waller who has done nothing but use them and manipulate them and lie to them constantly, The Unknown Soldier shows up to lecture them about the importance of keeping one's word. It's absolutely like the end of a 1980s G.I. Joe Cartoon. "Now you know! And knowing is how you stop being a despicable scumbag!" The Unknown Soldier knows all about Lawton and, as was seen in that shitty piece of shit G.I. Combat, he's a super duper super soldier and the embodiment of the Biblical Cain. So when Deadshot attacks him, The Unknown Soldier has no problem committing self-defense.

Great. Since nobody actually dies in this comic, is Deadshot going to end up "dead" every few issues? MINUS ONE RANKING!

Suicide Squad #19 Rating: -4 Rankings. Usually this comic has something that I find fun or enjoyable to say about it. But last issue was pretty crappy and this was the worst issue yet. And ending on the "death of Floyd Lawton" a second time? Real powerful, that.

G.I. Combat #7

How did Jeb Stuart and his horse both come to haunt a tank?

Last issue, I realized that the old Haunted Tank stories looked really fun and interesting, at least in comparison to the Tank running over Afghan soldiers and karate kicking Detroit cops (well, that was kind of exciting). And now I'm wondering how the tank became haunted? Well never fear! My mom finally did something right and brought up my 1985 Who's Who comic books! Let's take a look at The Haunted Tank's entry!

Here's The Haunted Tank on the back cover of Who's Who Volume X. Who else can you name? This issue is brought to you by the letter H.

If you don't want to strain your eyes reading the text, here are a couple of pertinent and ridiculous bits: ". . . the spirit of Alexander the Great assigned the ghost of General Stuart to act as the guardian of the Stuart M3 tank commanded by the general's namesake, Sgt. Jeb Stuart, in North Africa. General Stuart was outraged, since Sgt. Stuart and his crew were all Northerners. However, the general was greatly impressed watching Sgt. Stuart and his men in battle. Finally, Sgt. Stuart, who could see the general's ghost, won him over by flying a Confederate flag on his tank . . . ."

So when is the Confederate Flag going to get placed back on the tank, hmm? Wouldn't want to upset the ghost of General Stuart, would we? Maybe they could install a fucking cotton gin on the back while they're at it. Notice that the Haunted Tank's first appearance was in G.I. Combat #87? I have a feeling modern comic book writers just don't know how to tell a modern war story and make it fun for comic books. Nobody wants to read serious war stories, especially when they're all about the same fucking thing: young, brave Americans fighting back the evil terrorists. Or should I say young Americans hoodwinked by imperialist propaganda to kill brown people on foreign soil for capitalist interests and the illusion of keeping people free. Oh, the good old days when a Haunted Tank could fly a racist flag and fight mystic Nazi armies while losing most of its crew every few issues.

I guess I need to stop living in the past even though in the past they were apparently still living in the past. At least this new Haunted Tank is finally facing off against a crazy Nazi weapon: The War Wheel!

I'm pretty sure I could defeat the War Wheel with one well placed brick.

The Stuarts come up with a plan to defeat the War Wheel with a single haunted tank: abandon the tank! The young Stuart runs across the snow and ice while dodging thousands of rounds of ammunition and jumps harmlessly up on the front of the War Wheel like he was a tramp stumbling into an open freight car. I guess he snuck up on the Wheel from the back as it barreled across the snow or else he would have hopped on and instantly been crushed. Luckily, he climbs aboard and it apparently rotates slowly enough for him to climb to the top of it and find an unlocked hatch so he can slip in and defeat it from the inside. Meanwhile, the Haunted Tank shows it's proficient in Greco-Roman wrestling as well as martial arts.

The South will rise again!

After pinning the War Wheel with the Haunted Tank, old man Stuart manages to enter the War Wheel as well. The War Wheel's insides must exist in an alternate dimension or maintains its own gravity since young Stuart doesn't seem hampered by Wheel suddenly falling flat. Inside, they find the Wheel is hooked up directly to The Desert Fox Rommel's brain. His ancestor tells his plan in German so it's lost on young Stuart. Boring story short, everyone is mortally wounded except for young Stuart. He carries his grandpa back to the Haunted Tank.

Later at Old Man Stuart's funeral, Colonel Steve Trevor makes some small talk with Young Man Stuart and his connection to the Haunted Tank. Trevor drops the name "A.R.G.U.S." to see if the kid is interested in becoming a really stupid super hero with a wrestling tank that knows karate. But he seems to just want to live his life. Besides, his comic book has been cancelled.

"Forgive me for committing treason but Colonel Steve Trevor said it was okay!"

The Unknown Soldier story finishes with him killing everyone.

G.I. Combat #7 Rating: Does it even matter? DC already cancelled his fucking title when it was Men of War! And now they've cancelled it again. Big surprise. The actual biggest surprise of this comic book was The Unknown Soldier story! It was simply the plot changing from one potential disaster to another potential disaster with the Unknown Soldier killing every single person he met along the way. Eventually he met the people at the heart of all of the problems and killed them too. This book was generally horrible.

You know what? It does matter! -4 Ranking!

G.I. Combat #6

The Haunted Tank is living in the past. Even if there is a Fourth Reich, it isn't necessarily an instrument of evil.

Here are some comic book titles that I would choose to read before reading a comic book called "The Haunted Tank."

The Unflushed Toilet.

The Stale Potato Chips.

The Abandoned Wok.

The Beleaguered Prostitute.
I know, I know! Y'all want to see this one as well since I took the time to draw the other ones. But I just couldn't bring myself to do it. It's one thing to put the title out there into the world and another one to draw it and create the character of the beleaguered prostitute. If I drew her, she'd somehow become real and I'd have to take responsibility for her troubles and tribulations. But that doesn't mean I still wouldn't rather read about her than the Haunted Tank.

When I was in first grade, I drew a picture of a haunted house that was put up in the Santa Clara Triton Museum of Art. Well, maybe not the actual museum. But they had these outlying structures that were kind of like round houses with elevated floors where they hung art for special occasions. They must have been showcasing art from students in the area and my haunted house was too extremely awesome not to be put on display.

Unless it really was in the museum proper. I don't really remember it very well. I was only six years old! My mother is coming up to Portland to visit for Thanksgiving this year. I think I'll ask her to dig up the picture so I can scan it and submit it for everyone to be amazed. She might also remember the story better. Or I can learn it was all a lie and she had a friend hang the picture up in her garage and took me by the "museum" to see my work.

The reason I'm not talking about The Haunted Tank is because it's not worth talking about. Also, nobody is reading G.I. Combat except for people like me reading DC's entire New 52 line. Which means nobody is actually reading this commentary by me either! So I can fucking say whatever I want here. Maybe I should tell a story that I've never told anybody before in my life?

Oh! Here's one that makes me look awful and socially incompetent. But I take no responsibility for anything the twelve year old me did! That guy is long dead!

It was seventh grade and one of my best friends was Davide Bettencourt. Name not changed so that he can read this confession if he ever Googles his own name. What first really caused Davide and I to hang out as much as we did was his Apple II computer. I still remember in sixth grade standing just on the edge of the field during recess as he described one of his computer games to me. It was a little game called Wizardry. It sounded like everything I'd ever wanted out of a video game! A dungeons and dragons simulation that needed no dungeon master! He described how he had been exploring the first level and he found a sign that said "Corridor Off Limits! Turn back!" I had to play this game!

I ended up spending a lot of time with Davide playing Apple II games, Dungeons and Dragons, and video pinball since his father had a cabinet of the arcade game in their garage. In 7th grade, we began walking to school together since his house was on the way to Buchser. We'd usually walk home as well and probably spend the late afternoon playing games.

One morning before leaving for school, I noticed a fiction book near his computer called The Sword of Shannara. It looked interesting since I read a lot of fantasy books at the time. A few days later, I had my own copy having convinced my mom to take me to B. Dalton's Bookseller to pick it up. The morning I took it to school, I didn't show it to Davide. I decided to hide his copy behind his other books so that he'll see me with my copy in class and think I took his book. Ha ha. Big prank, right?

Yeah, well that's exactly what happened. He called me up after school that same day and accused me of taking his book. I told him this was mine and he said, "We'll see. I wrote my name in it. Show it to me tomorrow." I couldn't believe it! He had accused me of taking his book? What a jerk! Suddenly the joke didn't feel so funny. The next day, I brought the book for his examination. He scrutinized it closely, raising his glasses up to squint at the page, making sure no white out or eraser had been applied. Everything checked out and he let out a sort of hmph noise and that was that.

But that wasn't that, was it? I felt upset and betrayed that he would really think I stole his book. Sure, it was completely stupid and illogical. But maybe part of me wanted him to be angry. Perhaps we had simply been spending too much time together. And I could be a real selfish narcissistic asshole. At the time! Remember how I said that 12 year old is long dead?

That morning, the silence between us suggested our friendship was running on fumes. Once he realized his name wasn't in the book, he may have figured the whole nonsense was done. He'd just have to find out what really happened to his book. Of course, it was right there not two feet from where he was examining my book and I could have easily revealed it and said, "Ha ha! It was a joke! Sorry!" But I didn't. And I was upset in a way that I couldn't vocalize at that time. Betrayed and confused and really over my head with the emotions this seemingly innocent prank had brought to the surface. I knew we wouldn't be hanging around together much more.

So the next morning, I brought a magnet with me to Davide's house and ran it across all of his diskettes. He didn't suspect a thing at the time. Everything to him was still normal. We still walked home from school together that day but everything he did bothered me. He picked a flower on the way home and began ripping the petals from it. Every time he did it, I'd stop and let him walk further and further ahead of me. He occasionally turned back and asked what was up and I don't think I even responded. He headed up his stairs and I went home. I think he ended up calling me later with a short conversation saying his mom was going to be taking him to school and he couldn't walk with me anymore. And that was that. I started walking to school with Philip Newby after that day.

I don't think Davide ever confronted me about what I did. We just stopped talking. One day, Phil asked me about it. He said Davide's sister saw me erase the disks. I, of course, denied it. But I'm sure Phil knew. And even if it were untrue that Davide's sister saw me, it was damn obvious that I was behind it. It's one of the shittiest things I've ever done although I'm sure I've done others that compete with it since then.

I don't know if the twelve year old me was really ever sorry for what he did. But the me of nearly every year since then has been. That 12 year old was a complete jackass.

And then I read some of The Haunted Tank!

Ten pages into The Haunted Tank and all of Scott Stuart's army buddies have been gunned down by the enemy. It's just old man Jeb and his grandson Scott and the Haunted Tank and the disembodied voice of The General left to complete the mission. The mission would still be a mystery except that the cover stated it plain and simple: The Fourth Reich needs to be found!

As the Haunted Tank rumbles across Afghanistan, Crazy Old Man Stuart tells Scotty all about his adventures in World War II while manning the Haunted Tank. The Haunted Tank's mission was to combat all of the weird, mystical stuff that Hitler was up to. As everyone knows, Hitler was after all kinds of mystic and religious artifacts like The Ark of the Covenant and The Holy Grail and The Spear Longinus.

I knew Nazi Zombies were based on historical evidence! Because comic books present historical evidence!

All of the panels showing the weirdness that The Haunted Tank and its crew had to face makes me simply wish that this book was that old book. Nordic Giants. Valkyries. Nazi Robots. Miniaturation. Zombies. Screaming Luftwaffe. That comic book looks like a lot of fun! I guess that's why the Haunted Tank is after the Fourth Reich! That way, the Haunted Tank can battle crazy shit brought to life by a secret Fourth Reich that has been working on mystical and technological craziness for seventy years! Otherwise, the Haunted Tank is simply going to have to run over Taliban foot soldiers with out-dated soviet weapons.

And the Haunted Tank does it's job by taking its two man crew to Antarctica The North Pole to confront yet another Nazi war machine!

Nazis in the Arctic? I wonder if the "N" in N.O.W.H.E.R.E. stands for "Nazi"?

And then it's the continuing story of The Unknown Soldier having to deal with a bunch of radicals with crazy fucking demands.

Make that fucking reasonable demands.

So the horrible terrorists that The Unknown Soldier sound like they really want to improve the government. But tie their wants to violence and the belief that the antichrist has come, and now those demands really sound crazy! I'm pretty sure the antichrist crap is government disinformation to get The Unknown Soldier to attack a group that threatens the government's status quo.

Someone gets a lead that sends The Unknown Soldier into a completely different set of circumstances. So first it's about this Red Jihad being exploded all over America. And then it's about The Constitution Army threatening to improve things. Then there's random violence and a terrorist threat. Now it all comes down to a fake computer game company that's going to steal from a bunch of banks using hackers and everything else was just a smoke screen to distract the government. But it didn't work because The Unknown Soldier found them all! Too bad the issue ends with him being shot in the back of the head.

I mean too bad for him! I'm all for this story arc ending early.

G.I. Combat #6 Rating: -1 Ranking. It only loses one rank this month for the uninteresting Unknown Soldier story. The Haunted Tank story was mostly lame as well but I liked the flashback panels and imagining what a great comic book this would be if it simply reprint old issues of The Haunted Tank.