Suicide Squad #29

OMAC's O-Face.

Last issue ended with Deadshot shooting himself for the third time since this series began. He may be the greatest member of the Suicide Squad to ever live! Or die! Or die three times while still living! Most of the members of the Suicide Squad die from violence at other people's hands. Nobody ever actually takes the name literally and commits suicide even once, let alone three times! But Deadshot shot himself to take out Harley; he shot himself to take out Regulus; and now he's shot himself one last time with a magic bullet to take out OMAC. At least this time, he was able to shoot Amanda Waller as well.

The difference is, of course, that magic bullet I mentioned. Apparently this bullet is an Ich Luge bullet! It breaks the surface of the skin, enough to cause a little blood, but no real damage. It also gives the victim enhanced strength, super agility, and big time smarts. According to Waller, this magic bullet will give Deadshot and Harley Quinn the edge over OMAC.

But Amanda is constantly lying, right? So I think she just wants Deadshot and Harley to believe they have a chance against OMAC so that, while they're getting ripped apart, Amanda and Kevin Kho can figure out how to shut OMAC down. That's the Amanda Waller Way!

OMAC currently stands for One-Machine Attack Construct instead of One Man Army Corps like it used to or Old Man Ass Crack like it never did.

If Deadshot and Harley don't succeed, and if Kevin Kho can't force the Thinker out of OMAC, Amanda has one last option: send OMAC through a super secret portal at the bottom of Belle Reve. Excuse me. A PORTHOLE at the bottom of Belle Reve. That's an odd bit of terminology to use. Portal seems more apt. Unless Belle Reve isn't a prison at all! It's a Space Station!

Amanda Waller calls this "porthole" the Toilet because it's used to remove waste from this universe to some other unknown universe. My guess is it leads to the Marvel Universe. I think it backed up at the beginning of The New 52, spilling Scott Lobdell, Howard Mackie, and Ann Nocenti all over the floor. Disgusting!

I love transparency even if my readers hate my love for it because it always causes me to talk about things other than the comic book I was reading. But I just thought I'd point out that I just took a six hour break from reading Suicide Squad so I could earn a living. I came home with a bag of Darkside Skittles: The Other Side of the Rainbow. Apparently they're Evil Skittles. As I've been eating them, I occasionally stop to whisper darkly, "Rape the rainbow." Your mind would probably go there too if you knew what the flavours were (okay, maybe not your mind. Sheesh. I guess you're better than I am)! Dark Berry. Forbidden Fruit. Midnight Lime. Blood Orange. It sounds like the beginning of an episode of CSI (even to somebody like me that's never seen an episode!). The only flavour I don't get is Pomegranate. I think the Pomegranate represents sex in The Book of A Thousand Nights and a Night. Anyway, now I'm out of Evil Candy and need to get back to reading my comic book.

Why is Power Girl so tiny? And Steel so huge?!

Notice the placement of Power Girl's Boob Window here? Apparently Jim Fern and R.B. Silva were using different reference pictures for Power Girl's costume. Fern has drawn a costume that will actually keep Power Girl's breasts inside the costume.

I hate to say this because I feel bad when I criticize an artist (why don't I feel bad criticizing a writer?) but Jim Fern's art is lousy. Wayne Faucher on inks isn't doing anything to liven it up either! And Brett Smith's coloring? Well, let me just say he's no University of Northern Colorado at Greeley Alum Gabe Eltaeb!

The writing on Suicide Squad has been lousy as well! Come on, Matt Kindt. Stop fucking sleep walking through your writing assignments! You really aren't fucking trying on this Forever Evil shit, are you?

Nice, Deadshot! You just had to bring up Gwar, didn't you? Now you've got all the little Bohabs crying again!

This might be some of the worst art I've seen in The New 52 for quite some time. It's worse than the art you'd get in a free mini-comic strapped to the back of a knock-off action figure or dug out of the bottom of a box of Trix. Maybe it's some kind of Modern Art that I don't understand!

Really, Harley? OMAC and Cheese?! I suppose the shitty one-liners fit with the shitty art.

You may have noticed I'm not really discussing the plot much. That's because it amounts to everybody getting shot with magic bullets as they try to lead OMAC into the toilet.

Power Girl and Steel arrive to help out because this fight needs somebody in it that can actually survive a punch from OMAC. Steel bang bangs his silver hammer down upon OMAC's head causing Kevin Kho to renew his foothold in OMAC's mind. I don't know what's happening with The Thinker. I guess he's the guy that's been using OMAC's mouth to utter dialogue worse than Harley's.

Everybody drops down to Waller's level and stand around The Toilet looking stupid and disengaged. Inside OMAC's mind, Kevin and The Thinker are apparently fighting but that would be too complicated to draw if you only had the artistic skills of Jim Fern to rely on.

Goddammit! I feel horrible saying that! Why do I have such a soft spot when it comes to lambasting artists?! I think I'm still sore from the time Marcus To called me out to the woodshed, pulled down my pants, and softly inserted his tongue. No wait. I'm conflating two different memories! That was my uncle. Marcus just pointed out that I was a raging asshole when I criticized one of his covers. He was right to point out I was an asshole. But I was right to point out his cover design sucked spectacularly sweaty balls.

While everybody is kind of waiting to see if Kevin Kho saves OMAC from having to be flushed down the toilet, King Shark shows up with a little prepared speech he tells suitors when they want more than he'd like to give them. "Gee, Blank, my name is King Shark. You killed my father. Prepare to die." King Shark tackles OMAC into the Toilet and flushes himself away. OMAC grabs a ledge though. I guess King Shark will be appearing in Moon Knight next month.

Kevin defeats The Thinker and takes care of OMAC but then Captain Boomerang takes care of Kevin by kicking OMAC into The Toilet. Now Amanda has to fish two fucking lunkheads out of it somehow. Also Amanda has another twist because she's always lying about everything and manipulating everybody! The Magic Bullets were really Nano-Bombs! Now everybody is a forced member of The Squad again! Stupid jerks! They deserve this job! Get fooled by Amanda Waller once, shame on you! Get fooled by Amanda Waller dozens of times, your name is probably Floyd Lawson.

Captain Boomerang is eating invisible ribs.

Suicide Squad #29 Rating: -2 Ranking. Boring story. Horrendous art. Pretty good title ("Flushed") for this piece of shit.

Suicide Squad #28

Who would win in a fight? OMAC's testicles or The Hulk's testicles?

So Forever Evil has been going on for about six years now but I think it's almost over! Rogue's Rebellion #5 is currently in my stack and it says "5 of 6" which means that series is almost over! And I'm making the assumption that Forever Evil must be ending sometime soon after that. Maybe a month or two after? I have a feeling that the current incarnation of the Suicide Squad is going to be obliterated by the events of this Forever Evil crossover. Why else is it the only regular non-Justice League book to have been sucked into the Vortex of Crossing Over? Even Nightwing's comic got out of telling crossover stories and he's nearly dead from Forever Evil!

Let's see who won the fight that began last issue, shall we? It was between OMAC and King Shark and Nutty Cuckoo Super King Shark. One other thing that is probably going to be important later is that Waller had just found Kevin Kho's virtual personality on The Thinker's laptop.

That's why I'm not successful! I don't keep a Field Journal! I'm always telling the Non-Certified Spouse that I need a scribe because I never remember any of the super hilarious things I say on a daily basis.

I bet Amanda Waller got the Journal idea from Slade Wilson! Amanda says it's a "mental journal" because Deathstork's Slade Wilson's War Journal always sounded really stupid because he wrote it in the present tense as if he were writing it as he was confronting Lobo. "So here I am standing here face to face with the most dangerous person in the...sorry, I just had to tell him to hang on a moment while I jotted this down for future reference. Who the fuck punches a guy as he's writing in his diary War Journal?" But I think she calls it her "mental journal" because it's totally crazy! Fun Fact: The Mad Hatter was originally called The Mental Hatter. Another Fun Fact: Whenever somebody begins a sentence with "fun fact," you can be assured it will neither be "fun" nor a "fact."

I suppose I'm obligated to begin Amanda Waller's Mental Journal now. Dammit.

Amanda Waller continues to drone on and on and on! She's far more verbose than Slade Wilson ever was! That first page of her Mental Journal was just two of twelve Narration Boxes full of her journal notes. And it was the two smallest boxes! No way am I going reproduce her entire Journal! If this were a paid gig, sure. No problem there! Maybe even if there were just some additional perks like free Oreos or hand jobs. Oh! Maybe if I work Oreos into every page of Amanda Waller's Mental Journal, they'll send me loads and loads of Oreos for the free advertising. I don't know who I'd have to appeal to to get the hand jobs though.

The gist of her mental journal is that, hopefully, King Shark and Nutty Cuckoo Super King Shark can distract OMAC long enough for Amanda Waller to shut the creature down. She was going to send it into some random dimensional portal that her team accidentally opened up a few years back but then she met Kevin. And Kevin thinks he can take back control of OMAC and save everybody's life.

I remember Kevin. And, for what it's worth, I am not optimistic in his abilities.

Luckily help is on the way!

Possibly. Who actually knows with this team?

The team parachutes into Belle Reve to help save the day. I think. Maybe they just came back to beat the shit out of Harley for dropping the Rocky Mountains on them. I'm sure they all have their own individual reasons for attending this gig. Steel's my hero of Page Six because he accidentally electrocutes James Gordon Jr. I'm glad I won't have to listen to that asshole for a few pages! Harley explains to the others that bringing OMAC back might have been a bit of a faux pas on her part and that maybe she acted a bit rashly. Especially because now he's teaching King Shark how to ballroom dance.

This won't end well.

The finale of the dance is a fantastic bit that puts one in the mind of humid summers on the New England shores watching a dog's carcass on the nearby highway get hit again and again and again by every passing motorist, until the dog becomes an unrecognizable red smear that stretches a dozen feet down the asphalt. It's grand! And terrifying! And also makes quite a mess since it involves Kama, King Shark's dad, being torn in two.

Next OMAC pulls out half an android from King Shark's belly which reminds me: what the fuck ever happened to Yo-Yo? He went from my most hated character ever created to my most favoritest new member of the Suicide Squad when it turned out he'd lived inside King Shark for many months. Being that his super powers were kind of Plastic Man-like, I can't buy that he actually died when Deadshot blew his head off. I'm sure he'll pull himself together at some point. Please?

Also whatever happened to Light Lime? She was still alive, right? I miss her!

OMAC manages to put the entire Squad down just as Captain Boomerang finally parachutes in. OMAC doesn't bother with Boomer and wanders off to find Amanda as Harley tells Deadshot the new plan: find some bullets to shoot themselves with. Hmm. That sounds like it solves all of their problems but what about the rest of the world?!

Oh. Okay. This had better work!

Deadshot puts one bullet in Harley, one in Amanda, and one in himself. And then everything goes black.

Suicide Squad #28 Rating: No change. How many times is Deadshot going to shoot himself in this comic? I didn't think the suicide part of the title was supposed to be taken so literally. Oh well. This comic book needs more Boomer.

Suicide Squad #25

I wish OMAC would get a sexy outfit.

Last issue, The Thinker was building a new Brother Eye in Belle Reve so that he could control OMAC. He posed as Amanda Waller to get The Unknown Soldier, Steel, Power Girl, and some new idiot named Warrant to retrieve OMAC. At the same time, Amanda Waller sent Deadshot, Harley Quinn, and Captain Boomerang to get OMAC for her. Why all the fighting over OMAC? OMAC is a piece of shit that should just be forgotten about already. Although I did like Kevin Kho, so I won't mind if OMAC joins the Suicide Squad and runs around as Kevin most of the time.

Is anybody else's mind preoccupied with all the fucking tasty, fucked up, American shit they're going to be gorging on tomorrow?! The only good reason to have older family members living in the same city as you is the home cooked Thanksgiving meals. If they don't cook Thanksgiving meals, get the fuck out of my city. Stop trying to bond with me on non-holiday days. Leave me alone unless you've got a big bowl of stuffing and mashed potatoes, jerks. The only thing thicker than blood is gravy, so get to cooking!

The first page of Suicide Squad #25 is like a fucking novel.

Come on, Matt Kindt! There's a reason I'm reading comic books! And, here's a hint, it's not for all the fucking words. Why do you think Cerebus lost so many readers the longer it went on?! I wonder if I can get somebody to read this to me.

The first thing The Thinker thinks about is how he got his Super Villain Name: a cruel children's nickname. Duh! That's how they all get their names! Haven't you been reading every single one of my commentaries, The Thinker? Get on board, you fucknugget.

The Thinker is one of those super smart villains that doesn't just think "ten or twenty moves ahead," he thinks "years ahead!" Come on, Matt Kindt! I don't need you writing one of these Goddamned villains that can somehow account for every fucking possibility and be completely prepared. He claims he's been counting on being in Belle Reve for years at just this moment with his playing pieces arranged perfectly on the board. Because years ago, he realized The Crime Syndicate was going to invade Earth and cut the power and cause an eclipse and ask for OMAC to be handed to them? The Thinker, you are worse than Harvest! But you know the most unbelievable part of his plan? That he knew some idiot named Warrant was going to exist! That was probably just random luck which he probably factors into all of his equations.

One thing The Thinker didn't prepare for two to three years ago was his chess pieces talking to each other! Why should he prepare for that? How often does that ever happen? Super heroes usually meet up, punch each other in the kidneys for fifteen pages, and then realize they should probably not be doing that. But The Thinker's pieces only spend four pages battling before they have the conversation that will undo all of The Thinker's plans.

Whoops!

Why the hell am I writing new stuff every fucking commentary?! I need to develop more catch phrases like "WHOOPS!" and "Fuck Scott Lobdell!" and then just cut and paste them into every commentary I do! That's what the masses go for, right? Bazinga! D'oh! You 'avin' a laugh? Let's go out behind the barn and fuck. That last one was Laura Ingalls' catch phrase if I'm remembering it correctly. Maybe I'm remembering the Porn Parody, "Little Ho on the Prairie."

Deadshot quickly figures out who was recruited by the real Amanda Waller because the Waller that recruited the heroes was too open, honest, and professional. She didn't threaten anybody or stick bombs in them or act superior, so no way she was the real Amanda. If The Thinker is as smart as he says he is, then he planned for his pawns to figure it all out and he's ready for whatever move they make next. I know that's how Harvest would do it.

And there it is! The Thinker's real plan! I think he and Harvest would make a great couple.

Harvest standing with his dick out: "But I spent two years planning on getting my dick in your mouth!"
The Thinker standing with his dick out: "But I spent two years planning on getting my dick in your mouth!"
Harvest and The Thinker together: "Sixty nine, dude!"

Harley Quinn repeats the activation code to fire up OMAC. The code is binary and amounts to saying " “² " with six extra ones and zeroes which would end the sequence in a "t" or a "u" or a "v" or a "w". I really wish the binary would have translated into something awesome.

Harley blows up the mountain, collapsing it on the other team members and then flies away with OMAC as her prize.

Meanwhile, Amanda Waller is forced to visit Level Seven to release her final play against The Thinker.

I'm surprised the code isn't "51773 173". Or, you know, "5318008".

While Waller is entering Level Seven, King Shark shows up to eat her face. James Gordon, Jr, stops King Shark to let him know that Amanda is the only person that can find King Shark's dad (Nutty Cuckoo Super-King Shark!). And to really calm down King Shark, James Gordon, Jr, has prepared a meal of Hippogriff Chum.

The door Amanda Waller is looking for leads to Task Force Y and a creature that apparently wants Amanda's sweetmeats.

I don't know who this is. Not at all. Is it Nutty Cuckoo Super-King Shark?!

Suicide Squad #25 Rating: +1 Ranking. Was making Task Force X "Task Force 10" too obvious? I suppose giving yourself room to invent twenty five other Task Forces is a lot more fun!

DC Universe Presents #0: OMAC, Mister Terrific, Hawk & Dove, Blackhawks, Deadman

Now it's time for Where Are They Now Theater! Starring all of the DC Heroes that failed to maintain a large enough audience. Mostly because when The New 52 began, DC's fans were going to spend their money largely on popular heroes they were familiar with even if the writers of several Batman titles spectacularly sucked balls. I mean really, really spectacularly. So good. So this is the issue to show the fans what they missed out on! Lets see what they've been up to since we, or at least I, last encountered them. Or maybe I'll get to learn their origins so I finally feel complete.

First up is OMAC. Judging by the art and the six panel standard layout, my guess is that Keith Giffen is doing the art. But I've been fooled by that before! Also, the story takes place two years ago. Little does OMAC know he'll be cancelled in a scant 20 months from now.

Nice title, Giffen. Looks like it's the exact same creative team as the regular series.

Maxwell Lord and Brother Eye are pushing to get the OMAC program up and running. But as you may have read in the panel I scanned, the process has a very small chance of succeeding. Max is busy smoking and not being in a neck brace. I guess that's because Wonder Woman only snaps his neck after the OMAC protocol is let loose upon the world.

I'm not sure how Brother Eye came to be working with Maxwell Lord. But Brother Eye was created by Batman using Apokolips technology for the purposes of keeping an eye on the newly emerging super powered beings. Batman (at the current time) has no idea that Brother Eye gained sentience from the Apokolips tech.

Yes, Brother Eye respects the decision. Which is why he goes on to fill a full page with enough information that even self-obsessed Hal Jordan could figure out who created Brother Eye.

Max and Brother Eye continue to dance around who is more powerful and who has stolen more information from whom. Max cuts Brother Eye's links to Checkmate but too late. Brother Eye has already taken control of the OMAC virus for himself and he's found his test subject.

Hey! That's who I was going to suggest!

Oh, and that's the end!

OMAC #0 Rating: Origin's Mostly Ass Candy

Next up is Mister Terrific! This teeny tiny story is written by James Robinson and drawn by Tom Derenick. And it begins like a super sexy Tom DeFalco/Scott Lobdell Jam.

"I'm super smart! I'm going to wear spandex and fly around on tiny Phantasm balls! LOOK AT MY FUCKING NIPPLE! IT'S SO TINY!"

Mister Terrific's origin is simply him finding 9D space and creating some technology and sticking a "T" sticker on his face and creating some T-spheres and being smart and having had his wife and son die and being visited by his son from Earth 2 although he doesn't know that yet and that's about it! The first thing he does after donning his T-Mask is enter a rift in 9D space. He enters into a probability matrix which allows him glimpses of the future. Like Flash's super speed mental precognition power (which is dumb), this power is stupid (which is a synonym for dumb). He sees that he'll meet some new friends in funny costumes and that a scarred man will eventually kill him. But he emphasizes that this is a "probability matrix" which means none of these visions are completely destined to come true.

Wow. Isn't science and being super smart grand? It's also really boring. Do something exciting, Mister Terrific!

Mister Terrific is ejected from the rift and immediately forgets everything he saw. What the fuck?! What was the point of that? He barely remembers entering it but he decides to enter it again. Is this guy really the third smartest guy on Earth? Because he's the dumbest mother fucker in the ninth dimension, that's for sure! How many times is he planning on entering and exiting and forgetting and wanting to enter again because he forgot what just happened? Luckily, some trouble on Earth distracts him and he heads off to introduce Los Angeles to Mister Terrific.

And then there's a super surprise twist!

Oh look! In a comic about a science believing atheist, the ghost of his son turns out not to be paranormal at all! Is that Mister 8, by the way? The smartest man on Earth 2? I can't wait until Mister Terrific meets Deadman and Death from the Endless. Explain those away, big shot atheist!

Mister Terrific #0 Rating: Really pretty pedestrian and boring.

Oh fuck me in every gaping orifice! Next up is Hawk and Dove written by Rob Liefeld and drawn by his shadow, Marat Mychaels. Swoon!

The episode is title "Balance of Power" because get it? That question makes sense if you're a cynical asshole who doesn't give a fuck about his English degree. Hawk and Dove balance each other out! Male and female! Aggressive and calm. Chaos and Order. War and Peace. Penis and Vagina. Did I do that one already? Anyway, the first page shows Dove grinding against Hawk's package while they float aimlessly in space. Shut up! I'm not lying! Look for yourself!

Did Liefeld teach Mychaels how to do grimaces? Good job!

Why can't Hawk and Dove represent Sex and Abstinence? That would be such a better comic book. Hey?! Is anybody taking any notes here? I've done over 700 of these commentaries and they're mostly littered with great ideas! Yes, I said! GREAT IDEAS! What we need is a crew of mediocre writers and great artists to make some of these visions come to life! Any takers?! Seriously, people. Stop being so grown-up and adult and let's have some fucking fun.

The incarnations of Chaos and Order, War and Peace, are currently arguing with each other in deep space. Peace thinks balance needs to be maintained. War thinks Peace should shove eighteen blue dwarfs up her ass. Their debate is pretty pointless since War/Chaos doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about.

Chaos and War isn't about fighting evil and destroying darkness! It's about conflict and total random bullshit! It's kind of like that Activision game from the 80s where hamburgers rained down from the sky as you manned a spaceship and tried to destroy them. Chaos! War/Chaos doesn't want to destroy the darkness with one blow! Because then there would be fucking peace, you idiot!

War is acting all pissy because he believes that Peace manipulated events to give Dawn Granger the power of Dove. And War is a sexist bastard that can't handle a woman being Dove. Actually, War doesn't like the idea of Dawn Granger being Dove because she's the most powerful Avatar anyone has ever seen. Which makes me suspect that Hank Hall shouldn't be the Avatar of War. Someone better is out there waiting to take his place. That's what the God of War should be concerned with. Finding an equal to Dawn Granger's Dove.

Then some other stuff happens and it's just as stupid as the initial run of Hawk and Dove. I think the relationship between Peace and War is way too delicate and intimate a relationship to be handled by a hack writer like Rob Liefeld. He needs to stick to people shooting bullets into other people's faces and random people suddenly betraying other people simply for the twist, even if it makes no sense for the character to do it. And now I can't wait for The Savage Hawkman #0 and Liefeld's last writing gig with DC!

Hawk and Dove #0 Rating: Unbalanced!

Next up is the Blackhawks and we're almost done! This comic cost $6. I think that's bullshit but what do I care about money and prices? Since I don't mind my taxes going to social programs that help other people obtain needed benefits, that must mean I'm a lazy, entitled asshole. Never mind that I own my own business. Also, fuck everyone that has a problem with taxes going to universal health care that could help every single mother fucker in this country but don't mind their taxes going to the imperialist war machine that only kills, maims, and creates havoc. And if you think that rant didn't belong here, did you fucking not read that whole bit about the balance between War and Peace?

Blackhawks is written by Tony Bedard and drawn by Carlos Rodriguez with inks by BIT. What the hell kind of name is BIT? Is DC employing tracing robots now? Why am I still reading this comic? I want to read about Amethyst, Princess of Gemworld!

That's not how I remember it at all! Aquaman stabbed Darkseid in the eyeballs!

So The Blackhawks were created for the exact same reason that Team Seven was created. But the Blackhawks were a United Nations team, right? And Team Seven seems to have been a team gathered together by the secret leaders of the world. Although they really are kind of the same read. Like I said in Team Seven, the Team Seven is just the Blackhawks with more recognizable members.

This is what I hate about the Blackhawks. They officially don't exist but they fly around with a fucking logo on their helicopter. Hello? UNMARKED HELICOPTERS!

The Blackhawks go in screaming as much military lingo as possible to prove to the reader that they're a military unit. Okay, okay! I get it! Y'all are soldiers and shit! And then there's at least this one panel that reminds me what I liked about the cancelled series.

Even more so than Men of War, it expressed the emotions of normal humans in a war torn world that suddenly facing some really crazy, cosmic, super-powered weirdness.

And then they run into an ambush while trying to rescue a downed comrade. This is the moment that Lady Blackhawk loses an eye although she shoves a grenade down the Parademon's throat with a grenade launcher. The Blackhawks survive to find their missing Lieutenant hooked up to some Apokolips technology. They release her but she doesn't go willingly. Whoever she was, she's now become Mother Machine! She flees from the scene to appear in the Blackhawks regular series for a few issues. And I'm sure she'll be back again in the future.

Blackhawks #0 Rating: Their origin was as simple as every other government agency created in DC. "Super Heroes might be a problem!" "Create an agency to protect us from them!" But this origin was actually more about Mother Machine. Which was so-so and doesn't really matter anyway. I think the Blackhawks proved that most people don't want to buy the comic, so there isn't any reason for Mother Machine to appear in the DCnU any time soon.

And last, it's Deadman! Another chapter, called "Instant Karma," written by Tony Bedard and drawn by Scott McDaniel and Guy Major.

Deadman's origin has him entering the first person after Rama Kushna cursed him with eternal atonement. The man he enters is the man who killed him. But Boston doesn't want to play the game. He exits the target when he thinks the target is about to be killed by a mafia co-worker. But things fall apart and an innocent woman is shot. Boston Brand re-possesses the guy, calls the cops, and gets the man arrested while the woman gets help. It's a little bit of a great power, great responsibility Spiderman moment. Except Rama Kushna reminds Boston that these powers aren't a gift. They're a punishment and a curse and he'd better start acting like it or more pain and misery will be visited upon him. The End!

Deadman #0 Rating: I'm not sure why this story was included. Maybe I'm stupid. Or maybe I've just had too much Sake. Or maybe I just want to start reading Amethyst already!

Justice League International Annual #1

Is it a bad sign for Blue Beetle that he's hanging out with Justice League International? Get away from them, Blue Beetle! You'll catch their curse!

This issue had better be good! It's only missing Jim Lee to have the top three jerks in control of DC working on this issue. I wonder if Dan Didio had to work on this book with Geoff Johns so he could keep reminding Johns that the series had been canceled?

Geoff Johns: "You know what we should do? I'll hint at a traitor in the midst of the group. And for four or five issues, I'll keep mentioning it and leaving clues as to who it might be. But then six issues in, we'll just make the traitor the person the internet has speculated on the least and then everything will unravel in a gigantic crossover involving everyone in the DC Universe!"
Dan Didio: "No. Stop it. Knock it off! Not every story arc has to involve every hero in the universe!"
Geoff Johns: "When was the last time we used Brother Power? What if Brother Power ended up being the guy behind the mask of the big universal ultimate evil? Yeah?"
Dan Didio: "What did I just tell you? This is one issue! A single issue! Don't seed future plots. Don't involve anybody except the Justice League International. Just a beginning, a middle, and an ending! Got it?"
Geoff Johns: "Okay, okay."
Dan Didio: "Fine. Great."
Geoff Johns: "..."
Geoff Johns: "But how'd you like the Brother Power idea for another comic book?"
Dan Didio: "Oh, fucking terrific man. Brilliant, yeah? Keep it up!"

The issue begins with a note saying that the events of this issue take place after Justice League #12. Maybe that's because they'll all be gossiping about Wonder Woman and Superman fucking. I bet Kryptonian penises are barbed! And Amazonian vaginas are like Venus Fly Traps. These two are probably the only ones in the DCnU that can actually fuck each other.

Justice League International are in Africa (again?) trying to rescue some U.N. Weapons Inspectors that have been taken hostage. It's too bad because Batwing thought he'd finally escaped this group of losers last issue. But here they are on his turf again, dragging him into their inability to save the world. But for once I actually have high hopes for the JLI! Dan Jurgens isn't writing the book so that's a good sign. Unless Geoff Johns and Dan Didio feel they need to respect Dan Jurgens vision of these guys. You know? Don't fuck with established continuity!

Booster Gold is chatting with Guy Gardner from some command location. He's trying to convince him that the real Justice League were going to meet them and work together. Perhaps it's because Hal Jordan left the team and the Justice League is recruiting. Or, as Guy thinks, Booster is simply lying and trying to get them to give it their best.

No, Wonder Woman is going to be grossed out.

The mission is successful with just one small quirk: the maniac they were after blew himself up. But all of the hostages were recovered and not one member of the team ended up unconscious! Seriously, though, rescuing the hostages was a major feat. Justice League International's first mission for the United Nations was to rescue some surveyors and they forgot all about them once they started fighting little rock men. I suppose those guys starved in the rainforest months ago.

Why does the United Nations have to approve new members? Aren't they being funded by Bruce Wayne now? Or did I just make that assumption since I knew the United Nations were embarrassed by these guys when Batman told them they were fully funded. I just figured Batman was doing it to keep them out of trouble.

I should probably scan in the reveal of the two new heroes in case someone didn't actually look at the cover.

I hope all the fanboys aren't upset when it's revealed that The Olympian is gay.

Seeing Blue Beetle (or The Olympian's hot abs?) completely freaks Guy Gardner out. Perhaps he's having a moment of mourning as he remembers Ted Kord from the Pre-52 Universe and can't handle going through all the hijinks and shenanigans between Booster and Beetle again. Or maybe he realizes he has a gigantic Third Army crossover that he's going to be late for if he doesn't hit the road already.

Or he's just unsure of Booster Gold's motives. I'm also unsure why keeping this crappy team together is so important. But then Booster knows the future! Maybe this team somehow keeps the timeline from ripping apart?

Apparently The Olympian and Godiva have some kind of past where he chose becoming a God over coming on Godiva. But he's given back his Godhood for another chance with her. In other words, he lost his Godhood somehow and now he's got to spin it in a way that sounds romantic. But Godiva can't seem to stand him.

And Blue Beetle just came by to speak with Cyborg because Beetle is under the mistaken impression that this is the effective Justice League.

I get the feeling Johns isn't reading Tony Bedard's Blue Beetle. Because this is the moment where the scarab would freak out because Jaime is telling everyone his secret. And then Beetle would begin blasting everyone.

Booster explains to Beetle that they have a guy like Cyborg on their team as well and he goes by the name of OMAC. He thinks OMAC can help since OMAC broke free from Brother Eye. I don't really think this such a good idea. OMAC doesn't need to be controlled by Brother Eye to be dangerous (even though OMAC is currently being controlled by Brother Eye! Yes, Brother Eye is back online and took over OMAC back in Africa). Asking OMAC for self-control tips is like asking the Hulk to give you a handy.

I don't actually know how those two things are similar. I just wanted to provide everyone with the image of The Hulk giving someone a hand job.

Booster Gold calls the team together because they're about to go on their first mission for the United Nations. Booster says he knows the future and says that Justice League International will eventually be greater than the Justice League. He might be misremembering some of his history lessons from the future. Perhaps if Skeets were here to help clear things up. OMAC isn't around for the meeting so August General in Iron goes off to find him. He finds him downloading information in the security room and gets blasted by a Brother Eye style bolt from OMAC's fin.

August General must play a lot of Modern Warfare 3!

I wonder if a rift in reality can be formed by making statements like the caption above if enough know-it-all nerds read it at the same time, snorted in unison, and proclaimed, "Actually, blah blah warfare blah blah Art of War blah blah blah."

I should probably be careful about saying things like that. I once killed a girl when I kept pronouncing Linux with a long "i" at a New Year's Eve Party. She kept correcting me and when I kept pronouncing it wrong, she just became more and more frustrated with me. And then later that year, she died from an embolism in her brain. I should probably be more careful with the things I say since I'm so powerful. Um, and remorseful! Very remorseful. Not bragging about the tragedy my super villain powers caused at all.

OMAC is also very powerful and he proves it to the rest of the League in a very disturbing way.

Somebody get me a welder's torch, stat!

Okay, so OMAC didn't actually decapitate August General in Iron like I was hoping thinking. He just removed his helmet. But that's killing August General anyway because he's become one with the armor.

It doesn't take OMAC long to begin beating the shit out of the rest of the Justice League International. But it isn't just Brother Eye controlling OMAC. Someone else has reprogrammed Brother Eye and OMAC to do his bidding. My guess is it's Maxwell Lord. Got to get him back in the pages of Justice League somehow, right?

Blue Beetle puts up the best fight against OMAC until OMAC accesses Beetle's Scarab's controls and forces it to open a Reach Boom Tube that sucks Jaime back to the home planet of The Reach. That probably won't last for long because it would interfere with Blue Beetle's comic book series. Unless it's simply the beginning of a gigantic Geoff Johns Crossover with The Reach. Blue Beetle does manage to stall OMAC long enough for Booster and Godiva to get away. But instead of coming up with a plan, Booster confesses his sins.

Well of course that's all you memorized! You came back as a Time Thief! But where the hell has Skeets gone? He knows shit. He was with Booster in an issue of Stormwatch so I know he exists!

With the rest of the members unconscious, Booster Gold employs his final trick.

Is the Skeets protocol the only thing left of Skeets in the New 52? Did the artist in Stormwatch just completely fuck shit up by including Skeets?

At this point, everything should wrap up nicely. It's just an Annual after all, right? Yeah, but it's an Annual written by Geoff Johns and Dan Didio. It looks like my little fantasy conversation at the beginning of this comic didn't account for Dan Didio not having any say in Geoff Johns and his need for crazy, over-the-top, continuity fucking stories. Because what happens next is all build up for another universe ending, time destroying, gigantic crossover disaster.

Once Kevin changes back, time stops. Booster Gold is confronted by Booster Gold. The future Booster Gold has the ability to stop time (unless that's Rip Hunter's doing) and he's wearing an A.R.G.U.S. badge.

Fucking Christ! Somebody put a leash on Geoff Johns already! Does everything have to be an all out end of everything disaster? Ceasing to exist now? Is DC planning another Reboot already? Or are they setting the stage for returning to their old Universe?

Booster Gold is talking about stopping Superman and Wonder Woman hooking up. Apparently that's going to be the end of everything. And it instantly begins when Future Booster Gold goes all Marty McFly on present Booster Gold. He ceases to exist right in front of him. And not too long after that, present Booster Gold disappears. And Blue Beetle never comes back!

Later, Batman has a conversation with Brother Eye. Brother Eye tells Batman that Brother Eye's new programmer will kill Batman if Batman doesn't join with him. But the programmer is never revealed. The issue ends saying the story will be continued in Justice League 2013. That must be the story arc that was hinted at in the Coming Soon section of Justice League #12 where Batman and Superman are fighting. The League splits in two. A huge war begins. And Justice League America is created with a new version of Vibe. Things must be pretty awful if Vibe is back. Ugh!

Justice League International Annual #1 Rating: No change. I believe I've made it policy to not change the ranking of a comic book on how good or bad (usually bad) an Annual is. But that was the last Justice League International story. I must say Geoff Johns kept them the loveable in-fighting losers they've always been. August General in Iron is on his deathbed. Godiva and The Olympian are hospitalized. OMAC is gone and Kevin Kho is in a khoma. Guy Gardner walked out just in time. Blue Beetle was teleported to another galaxy. And Booster Gold has ceased to exist. That might be their best ass kicking ever! I'm glad they saved it for the Annual!

Batwing #12

This cover screams, "I AM A COVER ARTIST AND I GIVE NO FUCKS!"

I didn't think things were going so poorly last issue that Batwing has to resort to help from Justice League International this issue! But you know what, before I begin commenting on the comic, I'm not done with this cover.

Look at it! LOOK! I'm pretty sure it's half finished. Eight people on the cover and I count three half foots. Every character is making fists except for Batwing's left hand which is stretched out flat (the other easy way to draw a hand). A few of the characters have the majority of their bodies off-cover while the rest have a good amount of their bodies covered by other characters. No background. And where are they coming from? Batwing and Booster look like they're flying. Nightwing is doing his typical crouch jump. Godiva, Guy, General, and Batman are running down a non-existent hill. And OMAC is just belly flopping into the mix. I would like to say this is the shittiest, laziest, most horrible cover of the New 52 but there have been so many bad ones that I'm just not willing to commit to that statement. Okay. That's enough.

So, this issue looks like Batwing and the JLI (who kind of, sort of possibly still represent the United Nations? Or at least people probably think they do) are about to invade a sovereign nation. Bully for them!

The issue begins with Batwing, Nightwing, and the JLI already engaged in battle with Tundi's protectors, Blood Storm. Eww. Gross. Here's the problem with naming your Super Powered National Bodyguards "Blood Storm." Isn't exactly a picture of nicety-nice, is it?

Tundi Tourism Board: "We have beautiful sandy deserts! We have gorgeous wild animals! The people are the friendliest you can meet! But please, do not come to Tundi! DO NOT STEP FOOT IN TUNDI! Blood Storm, the name of our metagene enhanced protectorates, is a literal name! They will explode you like the fabled blood sausages of Bloodsausagonia! A whirlwind will be created of your vital life's elixir! The gore that used to be infected with your personality will rain down upon our people! Tundi thanks you!"

Anybody want the real names of the members of Blood Storm? The Hooded Reliquary is actually Sniper. Dora the Horror is Striker. So close! The Concierge is Neith (named for the Goddess of War). And Schwa is actually Fallen. Because he fell from the sky! Duh! So those are the real names of the people who are about to defeat Justice League International!

But at least Justice League International were still on their feet and fighting when this comic book begin as opposed to being unconscious like in their own title! At least Judd Winick has a modicum of respect for their abilities. But that fight is getting ahead of the story anyway because Judd likes to tell his stories out of time. He once saw this little movie called Pulp Fiction and he got ideas. Big, lofty ideas that he could never reach so he went with this stupid thing where he starts a comic book in the middle of a fight and then a few pages later he puts up a "10 hours ago" caption.

So, ten hours ago everybody was getting briefed in Haven. Batwing revealed that Tundi had a nuclear missile (care of The Penguin!) and were prepared to use it on a rival nation. Tundi needed to be stopped.

I'm glad to see Booster has the same reservations that I had.

And I'm glad to see Guy doesn't.

Then the team sneaks in and then the team is discovered almost instantly. It's as if the story didn't even need the flashback! Maybe I was wrong about Judd Winick ever seeing Pulp Fiction! Where are the subtleties in the exploded narrative that explain other parts of the narrative? Where is John Travolta constantly missing everything because he's going to the restroom, a habit that eventually gets him killed when he refuses to acknowledge the sign of the bullets that missed them? What am I talking about? Why the fuck do I think any mainstream comic book writer is ever going to impress me at this rate?! Perhaps it's time to call this writing exercise complete and dive back into Grunion Guy's novel, This Story Will Make Me Famous?

You know what used to keep me reading comic books back in the eighties? I was excited to see how the lives of these characters would turn out. Now, 95 percent of all of DC's characters have no personality outside of their super heroing persona. Maybe Batwoman. Nightwing. Batman and Robin. Fuck, Jason Todd if he was being written by an actual writer could be a fucking fascinating read! But instead, Lobdell treats him as a teenager with an attitude. Lobell has had less than five really interesting pages in eleven issues of three different comic books. That's about two percent of his writing on target. Yet if he had a good editor, the editor would read his shit and point to those five pages and say, "This! This is where your story needs to go!" And how the fuck did I end up ranting about Scott Lobdell? Judd Winick dodged a bullet here!

Continuing on with the comic, I find the next few pages quite enjoyable. But I find them enjoyable because of me and my project! I did that little fanfic Tundi Tourism Board thing earlier. So when Batwing and the JLI encounter Lord Battle, he says, "Welcome! I hope you are enjoying the Nation of Tundi! I'm afraid your visit will be a short one!" So even when I'm fucking around, I'm beating these writers to the punch and outguessing most of their moves.

Listen to me! Going on and on, yet again, about how shitty these professional writers are while I've never published anything professionally. But that's okay. I'd like to point to Dwarf Lover to show that I can put a better comic together than this tripe. Oh, and this issue of Batwing isn't even that bad! I've just gotten into complainer mode so it sounds like I'm hating Batwing #12 when I'm really just despising DC in general! It's probably time for a picture!

Like a good mudslinger, I cut out the context for that last narration box because I want everyone to see Batwing saying that the JLI are useless!

Before I continue with the battle and get to the part where they realize how to defeet (misspelling intended!) Lord Battle, let me say that the match-ups shown at the beginning of the comic never happen. When Blood Storm is introduced on the first page of this issue, Nightwing and Godiva are fighting Striker and Sniper. But later when the team is attacked, Sniper fights with OMAC and Booster while Striker battles August General in Iron and Batwing. Fallen does encounter Guy, so that's okay. And Neith attacks Booster and OMAC instead of Booster and August General in Iron as shown on page one. Just wanted to point out that whole discontinuity crap.

With the help of Matu (Batwing's Alfred! The guy that owns the shirt with the incorrect dice on it!), Batwing realizes that Lord Battle seems to gain his power from his connection to the land of Tundi. So OMAC lifts him off of the ground (he DEFEETS him! Bwa ha ha!) and tosses him to Batwing who flies him out of his country's boundaries. Lord Battle loses his power once he's removed but his entire country begins to lose its vitality. Sick people begin dying. Trees wither. Blood Storm become gaunt and weak. Without Lord Battle, the country will die. Lord Battle pleads to let him go back for the sake of his people and his country.

New prison nickname: Lord Butthole!

The issue ends with a foreshadowing page of some asshole named King Shadow who has apparently organized every conflict that Batwing has faced so far in this comic to create an Africa devoid of super powered people (Massacre, Lord Battle, members of The Kingdom) so that he can take over. Good luck, King Shadow, organizing Africa under one rule, even a tyrannical one. It'll never happen. You're defeated before you even started by overstepping what is possible! Jerk!

Batwing #12 Rating: +1 Ranking. Ha ha! Look at how much I can bitch and still enjoy reading a comic book! What the fuck is wrong with me?

Justice League International #12

Oh, there's Batman! You better have a good excuse for abandoning everyone last issue, you Bat-twat.

Okay, okay. I opened this comic, read the first two pages, and now I can't stop laughing. I'm laughing for very different reasons than when this comic book used to star Blue Beetle as well and it was funny. This team is just pathetic. Incredibly pathetic. Guess how many pages into Issue #12 before the entire team is unconscious?

It's a trick question! The issue begins with them knocked out! Although they're first shown here on page two. Hopefully some graves are already dug for them!

Thankfully Batman is finally back and he's still on his feet. And I don't see Batwing in that panel. I'd say he finally went back to his own more respectable comic book but he's right there on the cover waiting to suck with the rest of them.

Lightweaver's brother has ambushed them at Gavril's grave. I don't know if I'm spelling Rocket Red's civilian name correctly since he wasn't around long enough for me to care. Lightweaver's brother is an idiot though because he's attacking Batman even though Batman wasn't anywhere near the site of Lightweaver's death! As Batman tries to convince this kid that the JLI was not responsible for Lightweaver's death, he flashes back to the beginning of the funeral.

What do you mean "we" couldn't find his body? You weren't fucking there! I wonder if they'll add Batman in various random panels when they publish the trade paperback of these stories?

The JLI arrive in Russia to pay their respects to another fallen Rocket Red. At least this one didn't turn out to be a goddamned Manhunter! They apparently swallow their pride to borrow a ship from Oliver Queen instead of having Guy Gardner create a ship for them. Perhaps they learned they were not fans of riding in Gardner ship constructs after their short trip to Paris.

He's right there! Look! Behind you! He's...he's...he's...oh, come on! No wonder you idiots get your asses kicked all of the time!

The team discusses whether or not the JLI will be discontinued since they now have no funding. The consensus is that they will somehow continue the team. Jesus. I'm willing to bet 75% of all Justice League stories post Giffen's run and not written by Grant Morrison involved how the team was being funded! I know I'd lose that bet but you can't help what a person will say when exaggerating a point!
The team is ambushed by Lightweaver's brother. Well, not exactly ambushed. Lightweaver's brother calls them out and admonishes them and calls them fascists. And then he attacks them with his super powers. Which they're still not ready to defend against. Guys, clue #1: someone calls you fascist, get ready to defend yourselves!

This is so insulting. Not Batman's statement (although that is! Gardner is a trained, experienced Green Lantern and he needs some sidekick pointers?) but the way Jurgens writes this team as if they're all amateurs. When has one blast of anything ever taken out Guy Gardner? Okay, bad example. Lightweaver's brother's light construct was probably in the shape of Batman's fist.

Batman tries beating up Malik (Lightweaver's brother!) and tries lecturing him as well. The lecturing works and Malik suddenly feels remorseful.

And the rest of the team has recovered! I guess when you're used to getting your ass handed to you on a regular basis, you learn to shake it off rather quickly.

After straightening out their little disagreement, Batman has some wonderful news for the fan of Justice League International!

What a hard knock fucking life.

So Batwing finally finds a way to extricate himself from this ship hauling a shipment of anchors. And Batman just bought his dignity back by funding them instead of appearing with them. Smart move! The rest of the team appears to be hanging around and I imagine Fire and Ice will be back as well as a new member or two.

Tacky! I mean the colors, not the flippant allusion to shot in the head never coming back dead forever Ted Kord.

And with that, the regular issues of Justice League International are done for now. Looks like there will be an Annual as well as the Zero Issue, so still plenty of ass handing outs to be had!

Justice League International #12 Rating: No change. I just can't be excited about this group pictured here:

And I thought the Justice League of America with Gypsy, Vixen, and Vibe was lackluster!