Futures End: Batwoman #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea! Recently, Goggles broadcast went national via short wave radio. But the signal was being blocked in Reading City by The Long Boxes, a gang of misogynistic, bigoted comic book know-it-alls who replaced it with their own show called "Truly Fanatical!" This is their broadcast.

Seriously, Scanners, fuck you. A big fuck you from your host, P.T. Goddard! You want to keep listening to that fucking cunt's broadcasts, you'd better tell her to get the fuck out of my city, gets it? If she and her Deep Stacks motherfuckers think they're going to sneak all of their comic book goodies out of here without us taking a shot at them, they've got another think coming! So don't be concerned if you hear some strange noises during this episode of "Truly Fanatical." That's just me cleaning and preparing my gun for my little excursion later to end that bitch Gobbles once and for all.

Until then, let's enjoy this issue of Futures End: Batwoman, shall we? And by "enjoy," I mean fucking despise it and everything it stands for with its gay, femimystical agenda.

The cover is one of those 3D images that shift when you change perspective. So some might think this is a picture of Batwoman suddenly opening her mouth wide to receive the goods. But we all know she's only hungry for twattage, so the image is really here closing her mouth quick after pretending she was going to swallow the beefsteak. That's a huge part of the femimystical power of the woman agenda. They think it's fucking okay to look sexy and alluring, teasing the fuck out of men on a constant basis with their short shorts and low cut blouses, while never planning to give it up. So right from the cover, I know where this comic book is going. Why do some writers feel they need to put their fucking agendas into stories for entertainment? Shouldn't they just stick to normal, regular plots where the guy is the hero and the guy fucks the girl? Now that's good, wholesome, storytelling without pushing any weird outside agenda onto everyday, normal life.

The issue begins with Alice declaring she has to kill her sister Kate.

You're right. It doesn't.

Batwoman has become a vampire because she's got to suck something and it ain't gonna be a penis. Alice needs to kill her because she disapproves of Kate's raw sexuality. She probably believes a woman's power doesn't come from seduction but from dancing naked under the moonlight while bleeding all down her legs. She probably believes a woman's power doesn't come from giving birth but from letting the egg pass unfertilized through the gates of her golden temple. As a femimystical heroine, she has to stop other women from pursuits that parallel the desires of the patriarchy. At least the femignostics agree women are free to do whatever they want even if what they want is to serve a man like they should. But these femiystical bitches just want a world without men. So maybe it is ironic that Alice has to kill Batwoman when Batwoman doesn't give a shit about men. But she's still using her female power all wrong. Vampires are patriarchal figures of masculine sexuality at its most irresistible, and Alice can't have Kate taking on that role. Femimystics can accept lesbianism but only in its most diluted, soft-core porn fashion where naked women cuddle and touch other naked women but nobody ever sticks their tongue in anybody else's pussy. True lesbians, to the femimystical, may as well be men.

A bunch of shit happens that proves Batwoman is using her femininity incorrectly because she's violent and murderous and calls another woman a bitch. She basically represents men in this comic book and Alice's agenda is to kill Batwoman and thus all men. The femimystical never come right out and say they want to kill all men though which is why this femimystical story is written as an analogy. The femimystical women believe women are love and peace and beauty and nature. They oppose violence and technology and hatred and ugliness (although, let's be honest, they don't really have a true aesthetic sense since any woman, to them, is beautiful. But come on!). But in the perfect femimystical world, there are no men. So where did they go? How did they all disappear? Couldn't be through violence and hatred, right? No, no! That's a man's way! To the femimystical, men will just, I suppose, eventually dwindle away, powerless and out of touch with the true universe. I bet this story ends with Alice never killing Kate because a femimystical woman doesn't kill, as I mentioned. I bet she just battles Kate until the sun comes up and then Kate disintegrates, easily washed away from the world by her own ignorance and ineptitude. Just the way the femimystical women think the world will eventually dispose of all males.

Damn, that's a really high waisted outfit.

Alice uses a bit of technology which doesn't totally go against femimystical modes of thought as long as the technology is used sparingly and in conjunction with the desires of nature. Here, Alice is using technology given to her by a man to help destroy Kate, the current symbol of manliness out of control. So that's okay then. I guess. Whatever.

The issue ends with Kate being killed by a hug and a wooden stake. So men are destroyed by love and nature. That's a better femimystical ending than having the sun rise and kill Batwoman even if that would have represented man destroying themselves. But then I don't claim to be able to think like a femimystic! Why would I want to? They're fucking crazy witches that think drinking menstrual blood restores their power. I might love my boner and love jerking off but I don't think I need to eat my seed to restore my manliness. Ugh.

Jesus Christ. Some of this shit comic book companies put out as entertainment. More like propaganda. When did comic books become the chosen method for people trying to change the world? The world was just fine until this garbage started coming out. Things were in control when white males were running everything and not being second guessed by all the people that don't know any better. You know who those people are! Those are the people whose blood I'm going to be spilling tonight as they think they can sneak into my city and take my shit. I guess it's currently The Deep Stack's shit but since it's in The Long Box's city, it's our fucking shit. And once they open up those vaults, we're going to descend on them like a biker gang of mutant raccoons. Tonight you die, Boggles.

That’s all I have to say about that! Thanks for listening to Truly Fanatical! Talk to you in twenty-three!

Batwoman #29

I had no idea "spell" was a euphemism for "vagina."

Now I have the song "I Put A Spell On You" stuck in my head and its far more sexy than creepy! I think Marilyn Manson's version of "I Put A Spell On You" from the Lost Highway soundtrack is the definitive version of that song. I suppose Manson doing a version of a love song that's already inherently creepy is a bit like the person that has to point out a subtle penis joke by yelling, "It's about a penis!" That's kind of the way Captain Hammer and I roll.

I just realized that Kate is going to have to start wearing pants around her apartment more often now that Maggie's kid has moved in. I figure that's probably the main thing that would change if I had children. I'd wear pants around the apartment more often. Not at first, of course! Just when they got old enough to have friends come over. Although then it might be worth the teenage embarrassment factor to walk through the room in my underwear in front of my kid's friends with a stack of Superman comic books under my arm and asking, "Anybody got to use the bathroom? Judging by my stomach's reaction to breakfast, I'm probably going to be in there for awhile!" Also, the Superman comic books would not be for reading but for wiping my ass because they'd be the ones written by Scott Lobdell.

This issue begins with that Eisenstadt guy (unless his name is spelled differently) discovering a secret about a rich bastard named Mr. Grantham! But the reader doesn't get to know the secret yet or else we'd set the book down and stop reading because too much was revealed too quickly. Unless the revelation was mysterious enough to keep us interested! I know I'd be more interested finding out exactly what Eisenstadt found out rather than being left with this to keep me hooked:

"Blessed Virgin! A Grinch doll!"

Eisenstadt means iron city. I just point that out because it might be important to the character later. Like he might have an iron will or he bustles frequently.

To continue living with Maggie and her child, Kate had to make a few concessions. One of those was to see a therapist for her possible Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Not that anybody but Maggie thinks she might have PTSD. But Maggie is the only one that matters to Kate, so she's going to spend a few pages telling a stranger all the fucked up bits of her life so that she can feel less anxious and more connected to the world. Ha ha! Who does that? What a pathetic loser!

Ow. I think I just hurt my feelings.

Oh wait! I'm not the pathetic loser! I'm the therapist helping people understand that they aren't alone in their problems by exposing my own! My readers are the pathetic losers!

Hey! Wait! Where are you going?! I didn't mean anything by that last caption! Please stay! I LOVE YOU!

Obviously what I meant to say is that we're all pathetic losers together because our problems aren't anywhere as unique as we'd like to think they are. They differ only in slight degrees. There's a quote that I'm probably misremembering somehow but it goes something like this: "When you see somebody else get stabbed in the face, it's comedy. But when it happens to you, it's tragedy." And it's easy to look at the victim of comedy as being a pathetic loser when they whine about not getting how funny the stabbed in the face joke was. So what I meant to say is that by all of us being pathetic losers, we aren't actually pathetic losers at all! We're just animals trapped inside the human condition. We're observers observing the observes as we're observed by the observing observers who are also observed. You know what I mean! Probably!

Oh! Oh! I know what happens when you assume! When you assume, you just make stuff up in your head that lacks evidence and then you believe it so strongly (because why would you, the genius, be wrong?) that it takes two to three times more evidence to convince you that you were wrong than if you had just let the evidence come in before making your stupid assumption.

When the therapist assumes she's heterosexual, it's the final straw for Kate who doesn't actually want to be here anyway. She lists off all the "issues" the therapist would probably enjoy asking her to elucidate before walking out of the office. One of those "issues" is that Kate "scared the hell out of [her] fiance's daughter, possibly destroying [their] relationship." That's still a problem? The kid walking in on Kate half-naked in the bathroom cleaning blood off of her face? Bullshit. If the relationship is so fragile that Maggie can't get past her kid getting what amounted to a slightly perturbing experience then maybe Maggie isn't as into the relationship as she thought. Maybe Maggie isn't the one that really has much of a problem with what happened. Obviously she wants her child to be safe around the problems that could crop up when married to a vigilante. So it's understandable if Maggie wants to make sure Kate is okay. Perhaps it's Kate that is blowing this whole thing out of proportion because she's afraid she can't be a good mother to this little girl. Seems like Kate wants this entire thing to blow up because she's afraid she isn't worthy of a normal, happy family. It's easier to get pissed at your therapist and walk out like he's the asshole than to have to face the fact that your fucked up early family life doesn't make you essentially a fucked up person. I think Kate wants to think of herself as permanently broken because it makes it easier to put her life in danger every night. She doesn't deserve to be happy so she risks her life saving people that do deserve to be happy. But remember that thing about us all being pathetic losers? Right. So Kate Kane also deserves to be saved. But who will save her?

Meanwhile Wolf Spider is planning an art heist on Arkham Asylum! That should be entertaining.

That also just made me realize what I really want in the next DC Comics video game! I mean, after the Suicide Squad game, of course! I fucking can't wait for that shit. Anyway, I want a Catwoman game that's a lot like the Thief games but with super heroes and super villains! So your basic game play is a lot like Thief where you steal lots of shiny shit but with more parkour and whipping. And instead of normal guards, Catwoman has to sneak around super villains and their powers. And of course, she'd occasionally have to fuckfight Batman.

Kate really is on the defensive. Although Maggie is pressing pretty hard with the "you obviously have a mental illness" flanking maneuver. I think couples counseling is the real answer!

Kate and Maggie decide to stop discussing their relationship because it's more difficult than figuring out who Wolf Spider really is. Although that's actually pretty easy but they're just dumb. And by dumb, I don't mean the old timey meaning of cannot speak. I don't even mean the new timey meaning of being stupid. I just mean they're ignorant of comic book conventions. I don't mean conventions as in a place where people gather to meet due to a shared interest, usually for the sake of buying and selling! I mean convention as in a trope or a usual means of doing things. Also, they're ignorant of the fact that they're in a comic book or else they'd know right off that Wolf Spider was Kate's old beard from high school. I forget what his name was. So I'm awful at detektif work too!

One thing Kate has figured out is that Wolf Spider has been stealing Eisenstadt paintings. And she knows the location of one of the last two in the series being stolen: Arkham Asylum! So Kate heads over there in the hopes that Wolf Spider will be there that night. While she's waiting around, maybe she'll remember seeing a painting in her family estate with lots of people with no faces.

The next panel should be Wolf Spider saying, "Kate?" Then Batwoman says, "Evan?" And then they have a good laugh and go out for some pizza.

The fight quickly turns into a chase which winds up in the Metahuman Security Wing. Which is probably where Batwoman is going to fall under the vagina of Nocturna! Once Wolf Spider sets all the inmates free so he can get away under cover of craziness.

I don't recognize most of the inmates released because Batwoman must be in the Batwoman's Villains Wing as opposed to the Batman's Villains Wing.

Wolf Spider sneaks off while Batwoman is left to fight these guys. Clockwise from Bottom Left: La Cucaracha, The Lamprey, Frat Disaster, The Blue Fairy, The Janitore, and Nocturna.

Batwoman #29 Rating: +1 Ranking. The tone of the book has shifted somewhat from Williams and Blackman's run but the quality has been retained. Okay, so the art and the layouts aren't nearly as interesting as before. And the story is quite a bit lighter. But I have to admit I like how much time Andreyko is spending on Kate and Maggie's relationship within the framework of the greater story. This is one book that I wouldn't think twice if people had just dropped when Blackman and Williams walked off the book. But if they did, I think they're missing out on a DC comic that's still well worth reading. Unless it makes you angry just thinking about what could have been! Then you probably shouldn't touch it for your own sanity. Especially since you can't hate it the way you'd truly be able to if Ann Nocenti and Rob Liefeld had taken over.

Suicide Squad #28

Who would win in a fight? OMAC's testicles or The Hulk's testicles?

So Forever Evil has been going on for about six years now but I think it's almost over! Rogue's Rebellion #5 is currently in my stack and it says "5 of 6" which means that series is almost over! And I'm making the assumption that Forever Evil must be ending sometime soon after that. Maybe a month or two after? I have a feeling that the current incarnation of the Suicide Squad is going to be obliterated by the events of this Forever Evil crossover. Why else is it the only regular non-Justice League book to have been sucked into the Vortex of Crossing Over? Even Nightwing's comic got out of telling crossover stories and he's nearly dead from Forever Evil!

Let's see who won the fight that began last issue, shall we? It was between OMAC and King Shark and Nutty Cuckoo Super King Shark. One other thing that is probably going to be important later is that Waller had just found Kevin Kho's virtual personality on The Thinker's laptop.

That's why I'm not successful! I don't keep a Field Journal! I'm always telling the Non-Certified Spouse that I need a scribe because I never remember any of the super hilarious things I say on a daily basis.

I bet Amanda Waller got the Journal idea from Slade Wilson! Amanda says it's a "mental journal" because Deathstork's Slade Wilson's War Journal always sounded really stupid because he wrote it in the present tense as if he were writing it as he was confronting Lobo. "So here I am standing here face to face with the most dangerous person in the...sorry, I just had to tell him to hang on a moment while I jotted this down for future reference. Who the fuck punches a guy as he's writing in his diary War Journal?" But I think she calls it her "mental journal" because it's totally crazy! Fun Fact: The Mad Hatter was originally called The Mental Hatter. Another Fun Fact: Whenever somebody begins a sentence with "fun fact," you can be assured it will neither be "fun" nor a "fact."

I suppose I'm obligated to begin Amanda Waller's Mental Journal now. Dammit.

Amanda Waller continues to drone on and on and on! She's far more verbose than Slade Wilson ever was! That first page of her Mental Journal was just two of twelve Narration Boxes full of her journal notes. And it was the two smallest boxes! No way am I going reproduce her entire Journal! If this were a paid gig, sure. No problem there! Maybe even if there were just some additional perks like free Oreos or hand jobs. Oh! Maybe if I work Oreos into every page of Amanda Waller's Mental Journal, they'll send me loads and loads of Oreos for the free advertising. I don't know who I'd have to appeal to to get the hand jobs though.

The gist of her mental journal is that, hopefully, King Shark and Nutty Cuckoo Super King Shark can distract OMAC long enough for Amanda Waller to shut the creature down. She was going to send it into some random dimensional portal that her team accidentally opened up a few years back but then she met Kevin. And Kevin thinks he can take back control of OMAC and save everybody's life.

I remember Kevin. And, for what it's worth, I am not optimistic in his abilities.

Luckily help is on the way!

Possibly. Who actually knows with this team?

The team parachutes into Belle Reve to help save the day. I think. Maybe they just came back to beat the shit out of Harley for dropping the Rocky Mountains on them. I'm sure they all have their own individual reasons for attending this gig. Steel's my hero of Page Six because he accidentally electrocutes James Gordon Jr. I'm glad I won't have to listen to that asshole for a few pages! Harley explains to the others that bringing OMAC back might have been a bit of a faux pas on her part and that maybe she acted a bit rashly. Especially because now he's teaching King Shark how to ballroom dance.

This won't end well.

The finale of the dance is a fantastic bit that puts one in the mind of humid summers on the New England shores watching a dog's carcass on the nearby highway get hit again and again and again by every passing motorist, until the dog becomes an unrecognizable red smear that stretches a dozen feet down the asphalt. It's grand! And terrifying! And also makes quite a mess since it involves Kama, King Shark's dad, being torn in two.

Next OMAC pulls out half an android from King Shark's belly which reminds me: what the fuck ever happened to Yo-Yo? He went from my most hated character ever created to my most favoritest new member of the Suicide Squad when it turned out he'd lived inside King Shark for many months. Being that his super powers were kind of Plastic Man-like, I can't buy that he actually died when Deadshot blew his head off. I'm sure he'll pull himself together at some point. Please?

Also whatever happened to Light Lime? She was still alive, right? I miss her!

OMAC manages to put the entire Squad down just as Captain Boomerang finally parachutes in. OMAC doesn't bother with Boomer and wanders off to find Amanda as Harley tells Deadshot the new plan: find some bullets to shoot themselves with. Hmm. That sounds like it solves all of their problems but what about the rest of the world?!

Oh. Okay. This had better work!

Deadshot puts one bullet in Harley, one in Amanda, and one in himself. And then everything goes black.

Suicide Squad #28 Rating: No change. How many times is Deadshot going to shoot himself in this comic? I didn't think the suicide part of the title was supposed to be taken so literally. Oh well. This comic book needs more Boomer.

Nightwing Annual #1

Hands of who #God truly is thinking that fell on a problem is considered not 'respectable.' The ancient Zoroastrian scriptures while one urinates.

Since this is a Goddamned annual, I am going to simply use the Facebook App, What Would I Say, for all of my picture captions! Or, more probably, I'm just going to sit here for the next four hours hitting the "Generate Status" button while barely paying attention to my Nightwing comic book. I wish there was one that would generate Tumblr posts in the same way so I could just use the app for all future commentaries! I have a feeling this commentary is going to be light on the descriptions and heavy on the scans so I can post a whole bunch of Tessbot status updates!

This issue begins with Firebug burning a man named Ted Carson alive in his apartment building in Gotham City. Unless the villain's name isn't Firebug. And unless this isn't Ted Carson. And unless this isn't Gotham City. What it is, though, is a lot of orange ink across a double page spread.

Now it is somebody trying to cancelling his character from sheath; and then you are probably shaving their eyebrows and Batman, motherfucker!

Meanwhile across town in Old Gotham (unless Old Gotham is located within Gotham as opposed to adjacent to Gotham or across the river from Gotham. This might be the first time I've ever heard of Old Gotham. Probably not though. Perhaps the first time I actually paid attention to the mention of a Gotham City neighborhood. Fuck, I don't even know the names of the neighborhoods in Portland. That's where I live!), Barbara Gordon is helping Dick Grayson pack up his apartment so he can move to Chicago. Personally, I don't know why everybody in Gotham isn't engaging in this activity. Maybe not the destination part of the equation but certainly the fleeing from Gotham part of the plan.

The first time you what? The first time you what?! I mean, "Speaking of the opening to The exuviae of humor."

Of course they wind up swinging around Gotham on their Batgrapples dressed as Nightwing and the Ginger Ninja. Probably because they have to investigate Firebug's recent bout of arson. I mean bouts, apparently! Bullock tells Nightwing that a string of fires and bombings have all been tied to a woman named Cindy Cooke. And she believes she knows who is targeting her but she won't deal with the cops. She wants to deal with The Batman. But I guess she'll accept Nightwing and his side kick in the ski mask and sweat pants.

Who the fuck asked you, Ginger Ninja? You're lucky she's even dealing with you! Why isn't she more disappointed that she asked for a bat and ended up with a jogger whose face chills easily? I mean, "I talked about the movie The original version of Kids of monkeys. bulwark of the old Testament says the Messiah will ride in on your face?"

Cindy Cooke believes a pyrotechnic guy that worked on her film before she fired him is behind the fires. It's obvious that he's a psychotic weirdo since he asked people to call him "Firefly" around the set. Dude, you do not think up your own nickname and then ask people to call you by it. That's worse than setting buildings on fire. Cindy spills her secrets to Nightwing while The Ginger Ninja hugs and consoles her. If I were Cindy, I'd probably have taken a serious attitude with this jerk in a half-assed costume trying to worm her way into a Bat investigation. How about sewing up a real suit, slacker?

Meanwhile, a man on a movie set is screaming "clit" at everyone because I guess that's what you do on movie sets when actors start acting all actory.

Note on down to all Facebook secretly likes Björk. It is considered unclean.

You know, this director is involved in movie making. And all of the places Firefly torched were movie and/or ex-boyfriend related! I'm no Batman but I think he might be the next victim!

Well, apparently I really am no Batman because he's not the next victim at all! He's just a lead! And Nightwing and The Ginger Ninja follow up on it and learn where they might be able to find Garfield Lynns, alias (allegedly!) The Firefly! At the follow up, they find a note that doesn't make any sense. But then we've already established that I'm no Batman, so it's probably just my feeble brain unable to comprehend what the note means.

Why would Garfield Lynns have put his own name on a list of things to burn and then crossed it off? Unless Firefly is actually Ted Carsons and he faked his own death by burning Garfield Lynns in his place! I mean, "Cookies are probably shaving their success with your vorpal sword.' Snicker snack and a month ago. They were talking, and I got him started, he said, 'O light wont last night, as you're doing in a high pay; but that Allah and then I saw you smoking the date you didn't know any sort of vague thing I've done anything."

While they were ransacking Garfield Lynns' workshop, Nightwing decided to ask Batgirl to leave her comatose boyfriend behind and move to Chicago with him. Classy!

Nightwing alerts Bullock to the possible issue at Willowbrook Charity Dinner but he never mentions how weird the note is, what with Garfield's own name crossed off and all. I'm beginning to suspect it was an editorial fuckup! But if it wasn't then Nigthwing and The Ginger Ninja are worse detectives than the Scooby Gang. And, come on, they were actually pretty crappy at their job. Or hobby? I don't think any of them were ever paid for their work. I bet Velma had received a huge inheritance and she convinced the others to drop out of college and travel the United States with her in her step-dad's van. And I don't want anybody commenting how they earned cash selling drugs or trafficking in sex slaves because that's as boring and trite as claiming Bert and Ernie were gay. Which they might have been but they definitely weren't a couple. Bert would have dumped Ernie's ass in a fucking heartbeat if they were an item. Unless Ernie was amazing at sucking the dick. I wonder if "Rubber Dicky" was the original name of his bathtub song?

But he didn't hit Garfield Lynns! Batman would be so disappointed in you, Nightwing. I mean, "and they were better loved her daughter's womanly cravings in Oregon City pink."

Nightwing finally realizes that Firefly is probably going after Cindy although he doesn't realize that it's Ted Carson seeing as how Garfield Lynns' name was on the list! I hate that I can't let that go! But DC really kind of fucked up this story if that's a mistake. But then, if it isn't a mistake, then Nightwing and Barbara really fucked up their job! So Firefly must be Garfield Lynns and the creative team made a big error on the note. It's easier to believe that the people that put the comic book together made a mistake than to believe that Dick and Babs fucked up!

I made that mistake too, Dick! We're the same! I mean, "Do they still have been a fucking parrot is intelligent, articulate, and said, Unicorn Sandwich. Also, Concrete Blonde tonight and his Son in apophallating species, the penis deserves all Facebook posts and all of these little gems."

Nightwing and The Ginger Ninja fail to stop Firefly from burning the shit out of Cindy Cooke. Except it's not Cindy Cooke. It's Cindy Cooke's agent. Which finally allows the last clue to drop into place so that Nightwing and The Ginger Ninja realize who Firefly really is! I'm pretty sure it's Cindy herself! And she's probably in serious debt so she decided to put on a rubber mask and burn the shit out of her entire life and then fake her own death. Which would still explain the note because Cindy would have had to kill Garfield Lynns as well to plant it all on him! But that doesn't explain why Dick and Babs missed that. Unless they didn't miss it and they were waiting until the end of the episode where they unmask Firefly to reveal Cindy Cooke and Babs says, "I first realized it wasn't Garfield when we found the killer's first mistake: the note with Garfield's name on it. Why would he write his name on a list of hits and then cross it out? I thought, 'Babs. I mean, Batgirl. I mean, The Ginger Ninja, this right here...this is a clue!'"

Or, you know, it was Ted like I originally guessed. The rest of my supposition about Babs and her final reveal still works though! I mean, "For those were all Greek, Wallachians, Armenians or Bjork just like a born pederast and he mostly does anything."

Nightwing and whatever Babs is actually calling herself now (The Stalker? The Creep? The Neighborhood Watch Target?) figure out where Ted took Cindy and arrive to kick the crap out of him. Firefly is as stupid as The Wicked Witch of the West! If your big weakness is water, keep water fucking away from you! Nightwing kicks Firefly into the bay and the fight is over. Afterward, Dick moves to Chicago while avoiding the relationship talk with Barbara because he learned a lesson about forcing relationships from Firefly and Cindy Cooke. But they both care for each other and something will eventually happen in the future when Barbara realizes she's an Amputeeist and begins hating Ricky for not having two feet.

And, finally, we learn what first Babs was talking about! And, yes, I'm slightly disappointed even though I know she only recently had her first kiss with a boy in the pages of Batgirl (with Ricky!).

"A few flattered themselves on Saturday Night sometime between the first time I ever gone more of him as Robin for Calculus Formulas tried to download a virus on me." Well damn. That one was nearly appropriate!

Nightwing Annual #1 Rating: This was fun. I was very happy to see Babs and Dick finally doing some serious talking about their relationship. They've had a few, small moments previously but it was nice to see them deal with it here. Even though Dick does kind of avoid it at the end like usual. They come to a nice peace about it here. And one page of their first date? I'll take it. Also, I think I learned a lot about myself from What Would I Say?

Mr. Freeze #1

"FREEZE MOTHERFUCKER!"

You know what DC Comics should do? They should just opt out of trying to sell to kids. Fuck kids! They don't know shit about what's good or interesting or smart. Just look at the shit I read when I was in junior high! Blue Devil? Really? Well, maybe it was well written. I should reread it to see if I had any taste. But I was also reading the Shannara books. Ugh. I can't believe I read so many of those. Although I was reading Elfquest and that's pretty good plus it had cute elves in it. I think I was reading Piers Anthony's Incarnations of Immortality books. I may have been reading The Hitchhiker's Guide and, possibly, Asimov's Foundation Trilogy. I began reading Stephen R. Donaldson's Lord Foul's Bane but quickly lost interest. I think I was reading some Thieves' World books. I can't remember if I'd read Tolkien by then or not. I read The Hobbit in elementary school as well as all of the Oz books. I'm sure there are many more but who can remember them all? Anyway, I lost the track of why DC shouldn't market to kids. Young readers will definitely read good shit, so that argument fell apart almost immediately. But I still don't want DC to market to kids for reasons to follow!

I don't really have any reasons. It's just that I'm turning 42 later this month and I figured I need to start hating young people for absolutely no reason. Even though old people have every reason to hate kids when they think it's funny to run across their lawn and see the old person completely lose their shit over it. Goddamned disrespectful little shits! I can't wait until you fucking own a window on something so I can throw my fucking walker through it! Now go do math problems or something useful!

I think what I'd really like is for adults to stop babying their kids so much. All y'all parents do realize your kids know more swear words than you, right? So why the fuck do you have to try to keep the public world free of swearing? And if you'd teach your kids about biology, why can't non-sexual nudity be allowed in public spaces? The fact that people even get their sphincters in a knot over women breastfeeding is ludicrous. That borders on childish. You do know what breastfeeding is, right American public? It is giving sustenance to a child. Does this next thing need to be said? Yes, here in America it definitely does: BREASTFEEDING IS NOT SEXUAL! BREASTS ARE FOR FEEDING! Sure, people like to look at them naked as well. But people also like to look at shirtless men and sexualize them but nobodies yelling at them to put a shirt on. Women's nipples are taboo but men's nipples are useless and on display everywhere you go. You realize it's just a self-sustaining cycle, right? The more you force women to hide their breasts, the more their breasts become sexualized.

This is how you know the whole thing is utterly ridiculous. If a nice, plump man boob is shown on television out of context, it would probably get a censor bar over it. But if people know it's a man's boob, the bar can be removed. Same boob; different reactions due to perception. I think that pretty much screams bullshit.

Why am I talking about all this in a Mr. Freeze commentary? Oh yeah! I want Mr. Freeze to be yelling "Freeze, Motherfucker!" on this cover but overprotective parents would flip the fuck out over a stupid word. I suppose no parent wants to hear their child saying anything about fucking their own mother even if they didn't mean it that way. I think I already talked about my DCXXX line of comic books, so here I am, once again rehashing old material! Like how I did my Grasshopper walks into a bar joke during the Riddler #1 commentary after I'd already done the joke way back in an early Nightwing commentary! Once again, who can remember all of this shit?

I'm so lost right now. I'm just going to read my comic book and pretend none of this ever happened.

Hey! I was just talking about thirty years ago when I was twelve! So it all ties in. Kind of.

Young Victor Fries is currently watching his father walk out on his family. That's what happens when you move to Gotham! Everything falls apart. I have a feeling people raised in Gotham have no understanding of things like air and rail travel. They don't realize the city doesn't just keeping going on forever and you can, if you just start walking, leave. But since The Fries family have just recently moved here, they know they don't have to stay. So Victor's mom moves him to Nebraska to live with their grandmother. Nebraska is one of those place everybody knows they can move out of except the old people. Old people love that place. Except for Lincoln and Omaha and maybe Grand Island.

Elderly Nebraskan: "There are just so many people in those places! It's like living on the coast! And there's no corn within eyesight! And corruption? Corruption on every street corner! If you let your kids go to one of them big cities, sure as shoot, you're gonna lose 'em to another state eventually. And that state probably won't be Kansas. Or South Dakota. But one of them Sodom or Gomorrahs like California or New York or Seattle!"

Once in Lowell, Nebraska, the events of Batman Annual #1 take place and his mother nearly dies. Then she totally dies later when Victor decides she's abandoned him and dumps her back in the freezing lake where she almost died the first time.

Back in the NOW of DC Comics Timeline, Mr. Freeze is contemplating how best to continue with his research now that Batman ruined his work with Nora Fields by pointing out she wasn't his wife. So who was she? Does her name anagram to "an old Fries" for a reason? Victor seems to be speaking to somebody either in the room with him or being held captive in the room next door. It seemed Batman did help him to drop the obsession with bringing back his mother which he was projecting onto the woman he had convinced himself had been his wife, Nora Fields. But now he's free of that obsession and able to fully concentrate on his work. It seems whomever he is speaking with must be his new work.

Oh shit! I hope it's Starling!

Damn. He's probably captured his step-mother. But on the plus side, he thinks the Birds of Prey are ridiculous too! I'm so disappointed in that book.

Mr. Freeze would like to be put in contact with his potential half-brother. But being insane and a criminal (not professional!), it's a bit tough hammering out the details of a visit. Mr. Freeze doesn't get his chance until the Justice League are defeated and Super Woman and Owlman break everybody out of Arkham.

Once he escapes, Mr. Freeze manages to track down his family and tell them all about the events of Batman Annual #2! He also finds out that his father has died, so he's free to take his father's place just like the Oedipal Complex he swore he didn't have.

Just another person with serious Daddy Issues.

DC must stand for Daddy Complex. Maybe that's why DiDio is so anti-marriage. What happened, Danny? What did mean old daddy do to your famiwy? Why can nobody be happy on your watch? Childhood was so hard with daddy expecting so much. And then when daddy left, you told him that you'd show him! You'd become a great big powerful big shot one day, right?! And then daddy would take notice of you! Then daddy would see you weren't worthless! As long as daddy just sees you in your expensive suit at DC Press Conferences and he never gets a glimpse of you crying your eyes out while sitting on the toilet in your private bathroom in your majestic office full of priceless art.

Mr. Freeze #1 Rating: I don't know. Somewhere in the teens, I guess? I liked the characterization of Mr. Freeze but this just felt like an addendum to Batman Annual #1. I guess that's the problem using a character in Villains Month that was already spotlighted in another issue.

Also, I was photoshopping the Anguished Fat Man into each issue in Villains Month in the same way that I did with Zero Month. But then I forgot to do it for The Riddler and now I can't be bothered. Thus ends that tradition that was barely a tradition and really just extra fucking work. I loved you and will miss you dearly, Anguished Fat Man!

Batman Incorporated #10

This cover broke my Recursion Alert.

Hopefully we've put the death of Damian Wayne behind us now and we can get busy with the business of killing Batthing. Or how about an issue devoted to Halo? We haven't seen enough of Halo in this thing. It would do everybody a lot of good to see Halo on an ice cream adventure. Nobody could be sad after that. Especially if it ended in a hot bubble bath.

Batman's first stop on his long, three issue road to vengeance is to pick up Azrael. I'm pretty sure this is a different Azrael than the one I remember. I think I remember the first one. For some reason, I picture him as Cousin Oliver from The Brady Bunch. This Azrael is named Michael Lane so that's different than Jean-Paul Valley. I didn't remember that. Lord Google told me the original's name because I wanted to see if he looks like Cousin Oliver. He kind of does!

He's a little crazy but it sounds like he's got the uniform for the task.

While Batman is busy recruiting religious wackos, the al Wacko family discuss Damian's death. Ra's congratulates Talia on becoming a monster by having her son killed. Talia bitches that Damian wasn't supposed to be there and wouldn't have died if only that stupid fucking butler could have kept Damian on his leash. Talia gloats that her plan is perfect and Ra's fills her full of doubt by suggesting she missed one vital detail. There's some yelling and some laughing and some dirty looks. It's practically an episode of Leave It To Beaver.

Bruce Wayne is taking inventory of Batman Incorporated technology at Wayne Enterprises when he discovers something interesting.

So that's the big plan to keep everybody from figuring out Batman is Bruce Wayne? Damian is "out of the country"? But what about the rumors? Were those started by geniuses that finally made the connection between Batman & Robin and Bruce & Damian Wayne?

Even though that piece of shit Mayor Hady has given Leviathan everything it wants, Leviathan is still demanding more. Talia now wants Batman to surrender at 11 that night. How Hady is going to give her that, I don't know. I bet Hady is wishing he had a better relationship with Batman now instead of always wanting to arrest him or shut him down.

Red Robin and Nightwing are busy searching for Talia so they can destroy Leviathan once and for all. Ranger and the new Knight are busy searching for Wingman (that's Jason Todd!) and they think they may have found him. But since he's currently being used as a sex toy by the Women of Spider Island, I very much doubt he cares if he's rescued.

See? He's faking Stockholm Syndrome so he can continue to have lots and lots of spider sex with them.

I have no idea what Jason Todd knows. Perhaps if I'd read the Preboot Batman Incorporated, I might have some kind of an idea. Or not.

Meanwhile Batman has paid a visit to Kirk Langstrom and is now ready to surrender to Talia. But he's not going to surrender as Batman! He's going to surrender as Manbatmanbatmanbatbatmanmanbatmanbat. That certainly is terrifying!

Make that Armored Manbatmanbatmanbatbatmanmanbatmanbat in Armor.

Batman Incorporated #10 Rating: No change. Batman did visit Langstrom and he did inject something into his neck but he doesn't look very much like a Manbat in that last picture. Perhaps he's just emitting Bat Pheromones which is why he's being followed by an army of bats. Or perhaps the serum just gives him added strength or echo location or something. Or maybe it simply gives him the added strength to control the experimental bat skeleton armor Lucius Fox created for him. Whatever the case may be, Talia seems pretty shocked and upset that this is the way he decided to dress for the surrender.

Detective Comics #19

I don't know. What is the goo?

Eighty pages? Are you fucking kidding me? It takes me nearly two hours to do a stupid twenty page comic book. I'm going to be here all day! I have to figure out a way to make this easier on myself. Perhaps I'll just make a quick comment on each page instead of trying to pull together some kind of coherent summary of the entire issue. You don't think I see you smirking because I called my commentaries "coherent"?! I'll show you!

Page 1: This is the page where they stick the credits but nothing else when DC publishes an extra long issue. So now the issue really only has 79 pages because no fan would actually count this as one of the pages. This is a page for Roman Numeraling! It informs me that there will be five stories and some pinup art. Oh boy! Bombshell shots of Batman in one pieces! Woo hoo!

Page 2: A splash page showing an indeterminate number of Men-bat (well, indeterminate if you're too lazy to count them) flying down from the moon with Kirk Langstrom, the inventor of Man-bat Flavored Gator Water, declaring, "I did this." Luckily the Men-bat are wearing pants so Gotham isn't going to be covered in Man-bat Guano come morning.

Page 3: Gordon and some nobody fire up the Bat Signal to inform Batman that Gotham has a Man-bat problem. Has someone already written a story where Killer Moth is captured by firing up the Bat Signal and waiting for him to start flopping and flapping around the light?

Page 4: Citizens of Gotham are running about the streets helter-skelter getting Men-bat caught in their hair. Kirk Langstrom holds his serum the way he usually holds his penis. His girlfriend begins fucking him from behind. That's a thing, right? I can't wait to see what women have in their panties some day! I hope it looks like the thing in my panties because that thing is E-ROTIC.

Kirk's girlfriend is fugging uckly. She should lose the glasses and lower the hair. Then she might be presentable. Or super duper hot!

Page 5 Advert: This page is an advertisement for Midtown Comics in New York City. It has a picture of Batman taking a crap while riding a horse.

I'm pretty sure fecal accidents are fairly common in Batman's line of business. Alfred definitely knows his way around sewer pants.

The real Page 5!: The Man-bat outbreak occurred in a part of Gotham called "The goo" by its residents. They call it that because it takes place on the goo block between 9th and 10th. Batman doesn't patrol this part of town very often because the residents aren't crazy or Irish or black or Italian. Hey, Batman is the racist, not me! Blame Bruce Wayne for his fascist, racist policies to manipulate real estate prices.

Page 6: One of the goo shop owners lets a woman and her baby into his shop after closing and pays the price when they turn into a Man-bat and Batboy. If he were being interviewed after the case on Judge Judy, the lesson he would have learned would have been "Never help anybody."

Page 7 & 8: This is the staple of The New 52 Detective Comics: the double page splash title page with Batman flying across both pages. In this one, he's surrounded by about 800 Men-bat.

The goo must refer to the Gotham suburb and the Man-bat Serum!

Page 9: Batman flies about fighting Men-bat and thinking about how they resemble Talia al Ghul's Man-bat army. I would be wondering why they all have jeans on and nothing else. Does the transformation include the clothing into jeans?

Page 10: Batman takes a sample of blood from a Man-bat that he fell out of the sky with. Batman is okay though because he landed on the Man-bat. I guess the Man-bat is okay because Batman would be sad if he inadvertently killed one. I hope Batman doesn't discover that he has to douse Gotham in his semen to cure everyone. No wait! I DO hope that!

Page 11: A large shot of half one-quarter of the Batcave.

Page 12: Another quarter shot of the Batcave! Batman is spouting cliches at Alfred who is just telling Batman that he can't speed up the Bat Computers! If Batman wanted the blood screening faster, maybe he should upgrade his 486 PC to something modern. Also the dinosaur in the Batcave is in this shot. I think it should have feathers and be peacock colored. Unless it's a female dinosaur. Then it's probably the right color.

Page 13: Alfred is also running a program on Batman's computer to try and identify a recent John Doe that appears to be a victim of Victor Zsasz. But the thing that's taking up most of the 486's memory is Alfred playing Pools of Darkness on it.

"But Batman! I'm in the middle of a huge battle with dozens of Bits 'o Moander! I can't shut it down until I get an opportunity to save!" "Alfred. Shut it. The fuck. Down."

Page 14: Batman lies to Alfred.

Page 15: Batman lies to the readers.

You would never be able to tell the Bat Family was angry at Batman in any book written by Lobdell! They were all hanging out like nothing happened in Red Hood's Death of the Family aftermath!

Page 16: Batman Narration Boxes about how he doesn't want to hurt any of the Men-bat because they're just simple, innocent goo victims. He wants to learn the antidote for their condition. I think the cure will be one of Kirk Langstrom's bodily fluids. You know? His goo!

Page 17: Alfred figures out where Patient Zero lived so that Batman can investigate the cause of the outbreak. At the apartment, he finds a body with a Talon dagger embedded in it.

Page 18: Batman discovers the source of the infection and the goo and Zsasz-bat all at the same time.

I bet Victor Zsasz has 900 scars on his body.

Page 19: Zsasz-bat attacks Batman in a big splash page. For the first time ever, I wish there were more splash pages. Eighty pages is ridiculous!

Page 20 and 21: Batman ties up Zsasz-bat and tackles him out of a window. Batman is getting a lot of mileage out of the "fall out of the sky and land on top of a man-bat to survive" move during this adventure.

Page 22: This story is still going on? Batwoman arrives with Kirk Langstrom and Francine in tow. Kirk mentions how this is all his fault but he knows how to fix the problem! All he needs is a hot air balloon, a really powerful fan, and some hot man on bat pornography. Luckily Batman has two out of three of those. And he knows of a place to rent balloons.

Page 23: Kirk Langstrom begins priming the pump so he'll be ready to spurt his cure into the fan once they're high over Gotham.

"Kirk, NO! Let me do that!"

Page 24: Langstrom releases his DNA into the atmosphere.

Gotham is the grossest city in the DC Universe.

Page 25: Langstrom transforms into a Man-bat and attacks Batman. I guess the antidote reverses the process for everyone but Langstrom. So now Langstrom has to be a Man-bat so that everybody else can return to normal.

Page 26: The Man-bat infestation has ended and Zsasz has been caught and returned to Arkham. Zsasz mutters something about the bird giving him the goo but nobody listens because Zsasz is a crazy bastard. Well, nobody listens on THIS page! You have to wait until Page 27 to see that Batman is listening.

Page 27: For the first time, Batman is hearing about Emperor Penguin. That can't be good for Ogilvy. Meanewhile, Ogilvy is harassing Poison Ivy so that she'll do a favor for him. See, he buried her alive for Penguin but then helped dig her up again, so she owes him her life. I know he actually just made things even by saving her after trying to kill her but she doesn't know that! And that's the end of the first story. Just four more to go!

Page 28: Story #2 is called "Birth of a Family" and it stars Man-bat.

Page 29: Francine, Man-bat's ex-girlfriend, is Narration Boxing about how much Kirk loved bats. He knew all the bat facts there were to know. Which is why when he wanted to create some way to help people in the world, he decided to use Bat-Genes to inject into people and make them more like bats. He was trying to help deaf people by giving them the bat DNA goo shot so that they could use echolocation to help them hear. Except they can't hear so how the fuck is echolocation supposed to help them?! Stupid Kirk Langstrom.

Page 30: Man-bat screams at a puddle.

Page 31: Francine reminisces about her life before Kirk Langstrom turned into a giant bat. He told her he's going to find a cure for deafness and says it's a shameful, disgusting character flaw in Francine that she doesn't know sign language. I know how to say cookie! And raccoon! And goat! Oh, she also remembers that she married Kirk.

Page 32: She falls in love with Kirk because of his terrible, terrible idea.

As a person that can hardly stand most of the noises I hear now, I would hate to suddenly hear even higher frequencies! There might be a very good reason humans have evolved to hear only what they can currently hear. Perhaps those that could hear higher or lower frequencies were driven insane or their heads blew up or they just sat their unable to function. I'm okay with the restorative features of the goo, but fuck that biosonar bullshit. Can you imagine how fucking confused and dizzy you would become in a city with a bunch of people squealing away?

Page 33: A man on Page 32 asks Kirk if he's encountered any side effects and Kirk shrugs them off and says they're working to remedy them. In the meantime, he's got a lab full of screaming bat-children tearing the place apart. I'm not so sure those are "side-effects". I guess if you were using acid to remove a wart, you would call the loss of your appendage a "side-effect" too.

Page 34: Back in the present, Francine is getting super horny watching the lab bats hanging on their branches together. So she gets a really super hot and sexy idea!

Page 35: Francine drinks the goo so that she can become a Man-bat as well! Also, Page 35 is the first page of the second half of the comic book according to the staples I'm looking at. Which means the adverts also count as part of the 80 pages! What a fucking ripoff! How dare you proclaim an "80 page spectacular" when about ten of those "spectacular" pages are advertisements! Now my whole counting system is off! Jerks!

Page 36 & 37: A pinup by Alex Maleev and Nathan Fairbairn of Batman having anal sex with the Bat Signal. It looks like the Bat Signal really likes it because it's shooting its load straight into the sky.

Page 38: A pinup by Brett Booth, Norm Rapmund, and Andrew Dalhouse of Batman farting in Clayface's face.

Clayface looks horrified.

Page 39: The Bane story begins with Bane inspecting his army at a prison. Or else he's delivering a gigantic throat lozenge to the warden.

Page 40: The story is called "War Council." Bane has overtaken a prison and become king shitheel. He now has some Brainstorm looking nutjob working on a prison version of venom out of the toilet.

Page 41: Malicia, Wolfspider, Brute, Bane, and the Brainy Guy are planning on taking over Gotham. So they're in the prison courtyard discussing plans on dealing with the other mob bosses and crazies of the city.

Page 42: A year previously, Bane was going to reenact The Dark Knight Rises but was stopped before he could even begin by unknown forces.

Page 43: Those unknown forces were The Court of Owls' Talons. They killed all of Bane's men. I guess all of Bane's men were on The Talons' hit list.

Page 44: Bane tears the head off a Talon or two but doesn't exactly finish the story about that night. What night was it? If there were that many Talons, it had to be The Night of the Talons, right? Because they were brought forward that night. The Talons make Bane so angry that he screws up in his next fight against The Batman.

Page 45: That next fight against The Batman, that fight that takes place after The Night of Owls, is the one that takes place in one of the worst story arcs of The New 52: David Finch's Scarecrow run in The Dark Knight. I guess The Dark Knight #1 doesn't even take place until after The Night of the Talons. Maybe that would shine some light on why the fuck Venomized Deathstroke drops out of the sky and onto the Batplane just before Batman fights Superman and Bane.

Page 46: Bane was approached by one of the Court of Owls at the base of the cliff Batman just threw him off. It's probably Sebastian Clark already setting plans in motion to destroy the Next Generation Court of Owls rising from the ashes of his failed Court. So he tells Bane the rhyme and that the Court were as much responsible as Batman for Bane failing and Bane believes this mysterious asshole because he's a gigantic pile of shit that can't accept his own failures. He's always got to blame somebody else even when that somebody else is an urban legend.

Page 47: Bane reveals to everyone his personal item he smuggled into prison up his ass.

Notice their reaction to the mask? They know exactly how Bane smuggled that thing into prison.

Page 48: Bane walks away from the smashed and stinking mask and heads to Talon #7 while his army prepares. The End.

Page 49: This fucking comic book is way too long! I can't believe I paid $7.99 for it. I skipped dinner because of this comic book! Oh, and this page is another pinup. It's by Chris Burnham and Nathan Fairbairn. It depicts Damian Wayne spending quality time with his mom and dad.

Page 50: Another Bat Pinup. This one by Jason Fabok and Emilio Lopez. It depicts Batman standing on a roof trying to untangle his bat grapple's rope.

Page 51: The third story begins. It is called "Birdwatching" and it stars Mr. Combustible. Hopefully this story ends with Mr. Combustible trying to smoke a cigarette and killing himself instead.

Page 52: Emperor Penguin is using the cover of the Man-bat infestation to send his minions (in this case, Mr. Combustible!) to loot the city. One of the minion's minions removes his gas mask to scratch his nose and Mr. Combustible has him killed. He's volatile!

Page 53: Mr. My Head Is A Glass Flask Full of Flammable Gas's thugs refuse to shoot Rizzo. Right up until he turns into a Man-bat.

Page 54: Rizzo is shot to death. Mr. Combustible looks at his watch. How does he tell time?! Does he have eyes somewhere inside his glass flask face? He's like Mr. Monopoly and Mr. Peanut and high school Chemistry Lab all rolled into one.

Page 55: The voice of the Narration Boxes always hint that the story is being told to a second party somewhere in the future. But that's never the case so I just grumble and rant and move on. But this time, it turns out that Mr. Combustible IS telling the story of the night of the goo while in prison on a prison phone to whoever his visitor might be. Oh wait! I just realized who is visitor is! It's him! He's the visitor and he's relating Emperor Penguin's plans of that night to The Penguin! Ha ha! In your face, Ogilvy!

Page 56: Mr. Combustible wasn't the only criminal on the street working for Emperor Penguin. Mr. Mosaic and Hypnotic and Imperceptible Man and all of the new second string Gotham Mob Bosses were out stealing shit for Emperor Penguin that night.

For somebody who once preached lying low as the key to success in Gotham, Ogilvy sure is reaching for the fucking stars.

Page 57: The Penguin blows a brain gasket and freaks the fuck out.

Why does Mr. Combustible have to hold the phone up to the side of his flask?

Page 58: By kidnapping and threatening the Judge's family, Mr. Combustible helps to get The Penguin out of the stupid fucking trespassing charges that Batman seemed to think were going to put The Penguin away for life. Or at least that's the premise. The actual courtroom battle to determine if The Penguin is guilty of trespassing continues in a future issue. I don't even know why it matters! Trespassing probably will just result in community service. And Oswald Cobblepot loves serving his community.

Page 59: A Batman pinup by Andy Clarke. Batman is either skulking in an alley lit by a single streetlamp or he's delivering a Shakespearean soliloquy on stage under a spotlight.

Page 60: A pinup of a thug terrified by the bat shadow puppet that his friend just made. It's by Francesco Francavilla.

Page 61: The final story begins. It's called "Through a Blue Lens" and stars the Gotham City Police Department. I smell graft!

Page 62: The scene takes place in a hospital room where one of Gotham City's less than finest is recovering from a broken arm. He had turned into a Man-bat and got into a scrape with Batman. His fellow police officers toast to his fighting Batman.

Page 63: While the men foam at the mouth about Batman getting his comeuppance for making them all look lazy, Nancy Strode stands up for Batman. She's the police officer that had to guard The Joker's face in one of the earlier backup stories for Detective Comics. I guess she's trying to become as recognizable as Renee Montoya or Harvey Bullock.

Page 64: The most rabid officer declares that Batman first appeared in Gotham five years ago. I guess. Maybe he was just an urban legend up until he joined the Justice League. This officer's first meeting with Batman ended with him taking some shots at Batman.

Page 65: Nancy suspects this asshole was just pissed that Batman got all the credit for taking down the man he was after. Although if I were a cop and suddenly some guy in a scary Bat outfit that was created to scare people suddenly jumped out from the dark, I might shoot at him too! If I wasn't a cop, which I'm not, I wouldn't have though. I was just trying to put myself in the shoes of a police officer and I know they love to shoot off their weapons because no court on Earth will convict them even when they kill an innocent bystander as long as they keep repeating, "I thought he was armed."

Page 66: The other cops get pissed and storm out because Nancy is speaking her mind instead of towing the fraternal line. After they're gone and Nancy is leaving Hector the Ex-Man-Bat, he tells her to hold up. He lied to the others about what happened with The Batman.

Page 67: He remembers wanting to kill. And he remembers Batman breaking his arm to stop him.

Page 68: Strode and Hector become the best of friends. The end!

I think all police forces in the DC Universe should be disbanded and replaced by Super Hero teams. I think there are enough B-list super heroes to fill out the major cities' departments.

Page 69: A Batman pinup by Cameron Stewart showing Batman sitting on the top of a skyscraper and looking into the abyss.

Page 70: A pinup by Dustin Nguyen. Batman and The Joker are engaged in strangulation sex play. From the looks on their faces, they're both thoroughly enjoying it.

And that's that! It was really just a 70-page spectacular with 10 pages of totally terrific advertisements! Holy fuck. What an ordeal.

Detective Comics #19 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm giving it a positive ranking even though I think I'm completely burned out with Batmen and Men-Bats and any other combination of bats and men you can think of. But I'm not burned out on Emperor Penguin and most of this comic was about his scheming and being a generally arrogant douche.

Also, yes, I fucking know it was about the 900 and not about goo. Sheesh.