Nightwing: The New Order #1

Where the hell has Kyle Higgins been? Writing for a better comic book company or playing too much Overwatch?

Everybody likes to think that they never let their emotions cloud their intellectual decisions. Obviously most people are wrong about this because most people aren't robots disguised as humans or cars or comic book bloggers. I've come up with a good test to know if you're one of those people who make bad decisions based on your stupid human feelings. Not a lot of people will get the chance to take this test unless MTV decides to pick it up and make it into a hidden camera show. Here's how it works. Most people have friends (I say most people because I post my commentaries on Tumblr as well as Blogger and I don't want anybody responding with "How dare erase people who don't like to make friends!" Although I suspect people who say things like that are just justifying the reason they have no friends because they say things like that) and they would do anything to defend their friends from physical assault. They've got their friend's back or whatever nomenclature the cool kids use. I would know but a cool kid has never once spoken to me. Anyway, most people (see previous parenthetical reference) also have that one friend who deserves to get punched because they're a provoking asshole. Now here's how you can tell if you're a reasonable person or not. If that asshole friend gets punched in the face by some stranger, do you get up and help them or do you shrug and continue your inane conversation about Joss Whedon (feminist or chronic virtue signaler? (that's your inane conversation and not mine. Remember that I'm a writer, dum-dum))? If you defend your friend even though you know they deserve it, you're the kind of person who would make excuses and apologize for a terribly stupid person in power (who I won't name because if your in the United Kingdom, that gives you an opportunity to think maybe I'm talking about one of your dumb people in power like May or Johnson or Farage (does he still have any power? It's hard to stay connected when all of your panel shows are on hiatus or unavailable on YouTube)). But if you let your friend take a punch or two (you can step in if it goes much further because, remember, you're supposed to be a reasonable person), it shows you are a perceptive and thoughtful person who is able to see all sides of an issue. Sometimes your asshole friend deserves to get punched in the face. Maybe they'll learn something.

I have a feeling that Nightwing might be punching some assholes in the face in this series. Although I'm also feeling a bit of trepidation about reading this book. I've had enough of comic book stories about groups of people who rally around a leader that wants to destroy a particular group of people simply because they're different. You might think I say that because I'm tired of the real world but I don't care about what's happening in the real world when I say that. I'm just sick of reading this story over and over again in my fucking comic books. Didn't the X-men say it well enough fifty years ago? Do we have to keep revisiting this shit? How about superhero comic books stop holding up a mirror to our real world prejudices just to show how one hero stands up for what's right and maybe show a whole world of people who choose to do what's right rather than acting like scared, idiotic children? How about being truly uplifting rather than depressing and, well, repetitive?

This issue begins with a scene from twelve years ago where Dick has murdered the Justice League and Doomsday and Captain Cold and Cheetah and, I think, Gorilla Grodd. I guess everybody with superpowers. I don't remember that happening twelve years ago so this comic book must take place in the future. Superman is all, "Dick! Why did you kill me and Hawkman? Well, I mean, I get why you killed Hawkman. What a provoking asshole! But why me?! I gave you your name, you ungrateful cocktease!" And Dick is all, "I had to save the world." That's really what he says in the comic book. The Superman stuff I mostly made up. Surprising, right?

So there you have it! A story about how normal people feel people with super powers are a threat to the world instead of a being the inspiration they were meant to be! It really is the worst take on the superhero genre. I don't want to be reminded that most people have negligible self-esteem and a sense of inadequacy so dense only Stephen Hawking could truly describe it to a layman.

The narrator mentions parents so the story will probably be told from Nightwing's kid's point of view, since this takes place in the future's future. Nightwing's kid is probably a closeted superhero who can't be their true self because their father is a fascist asshole. Why Nightwing, of all the heroes in the DC Universe, would become a person who thinks superheroes are dangerous, I have no idea. I'm sure I'll find out though if I keep reading! I bet he lost somebody he loved or at least respected as a father figure who couldn't quite give him the love he needed because he was aloof and dressed as a bat.

According to Nightwing's kid (who is almost certainly a lesbian. It's like those television court shows. If the judge is a white female, the bailiff must be a black man. So Nightwing has the hetero white male covered. That means his kid needs to be the opposite. Although is lesbian the opposite of that? Or is gay male the opposite? Maybe an asexual would be the opposite of Nightwing because I bet he gets so much pussy!), Nightwing saved the world in 2028. That means, according to my calculator (which is on my watch because I'm fancy), this story takes place in 2050. I mean 2040! Stupid fat fingers and tiny buttons.

Really, Nightwing? I figure we allow the people we care about the most to make their own decisions, even if we disagree? But then, that's just me. I guess in the eyes of The New Order, I'm just an apathetic apologist!

That quote will come back to haunt Nightwing because Nightwing's kid is going to be, "I really care about my dad! I care so much about him that I have to make the hard decision of punching him in the face while his friends stand by and think, 'Yeah. He deserved that.'" Basically in 2040, the pendulum has swung back and Dick Grayson is, once again, the worst character in the DC Universe. Marv Wolfman would be proud.

The story is about how good people can come to believe in terrible things. I'm pretty perceptive to have figured that out so quickly. Also the kid says, "Eventually, I learned how even good people can come to believe in really terrible things." It's kind of like that time I found out that my friend Doom Bunny liked Ally McBeal. I should have written a comic book about that.

In 2040, cities don't have police. They have Wings! It's not as delicious as it sounds unless you enjoy night sticks and super power suppressants.

He's talking about the original Dr. Light. Who cares about his light powers! Maybe worry more about keeping him away from kids?

After dealing with work and celebrity life and ignoring how he's become an asshole, Dick heads back home to Wayne Manor where Alfred is making dinner with his son Jake. I know Jake isn't a lesbian but that's because this is probably a red herring. There's no way a kid Jake's age develops the voice that the narrator is using. That kind of bitter disappointment in one's parents only really comes from an adult perspective (or late teen, most likely. Since she'll probably be leading the Teen Titans against this fascist police state Grayson has set up. I bet she's the child of Dick and Helena). Jake is like twelve.

See? Lesbian daughter! How dare you doubt a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader?

Since nobody says "daughter" or "sister" in the entire conversation (just the pronoun "she"), that bit is probably another red herring to make the reader think he's talking about Jake's mother and the voice is still Jake's. But I don't fall for red herrings! Herring is gross.

Alfred tries to point out that Richard is being an asshole. I would have said "being a dick" but he has that stupid name and it would have sounded like I was punning. But Dick is all, "I have to put people like Superman and Wonder Woman in stasis! It's the only way to make everybody safe! Safety first! Freedom worst!" But Alfred is all, "Bruce's death may have turned you into a fascist fuckmonster but I will never agree with you! Or respect you! Or make you waffles!"

Okay fine! I was wrong about the lesbian daughter! The narrator is Jake! It's just it's Jake from even further in the future than 2040. And his mother wasn't Helena because, apparently, she was hurt by Dick Grayson's anti-meta(l)-gene bomb that took away most of the powers. I guess she's the "she" he and Alfred were talking about. I'm not shocked that I was wrong. I'm just shocked that Kyle Higgins would give a white male superhero a white male son to rebel against him. What year is this? Nineteen-whitety-white?

Oh! I hope Jake's mother was Starfire! I mean, he's not brown and doesn't have green eyes or red hair and his boobs are pretty small. But maybe?!

I figured it out when I read the cover! Except for the lesbian daughter part. Based on DC's apparent mission statement, I should have known it was about a son dealing with his daddy issues.

So it turns out that in 2040, Jake gained super powers. That's why the narrator sounds like an adult because he's speaking from the future future's future. He probably, as I said earlier about the lesbian daughter who apparently doesn't exist (dammit), founded a new group of Teen Titans to bust his father's ass. I still don't know who Jake's mother is though. Jake's power manifests as red eyes that make red squiggly lines. So maybe Jake's mother was Darkseid? I mean Grail!

What Did We Learn?
I feel when I read something, I should learn something. And if I'm going to write about things and make stupid jokes (like the joke about how I thought Dick had a lesbian daughter which you totally fell for. As if I really thought something that was eventually proven to be wrong. Ha ha! You're so gullible! Also credulous! And naive!), I should probably walk away a little wiser than I began. It's tough to learn things from every issue of a comic book you read though because the story takes a few issues to finish. How am I supposed to know the lesson I should learn after just the first issue? Well, that's another benefit of comics! They really fucking telegraph where they're going. Maybe it's because we, the audience, are idiots and they don't want to lose any of us. Or maybe it's just that no matter how hard comic book writers try to make a good book, an editor will walk over and stick a dick in their notepad and be all, "Write it this way, dum-dum!" Anyway, here's what we're going to learn from this title (I'm telling you so you can save twenty bucks): prejudice cannot survive in the face of love of family! Dick might feel a little bit bad that he's hurting people with his terrible laws but he won't really understand how badly he's harming them until he has to punish his own son for simply being who he is. At the end of the book, Dick's son apologizes to Dick for having superpowers. See? Dick should already feel awful that he caused his son to feel shame simply for being who he is! Dick will try to get his son to go on the inhibitor medication but his son will rebel. They'll battle in the good ole Oedipal way which will end in the collapse of Dick's police state and the freedom of everybody! But Dick will not be allowed to live after this transgression. He'll die in his son's arms as he repents his sins. Also Jake's mother will appear at some point and hug Jake.

Aquaman #45

This is how responsible Aquaman is with his powers. He commands other forms of life to be furniture for him.

Cullen Bunn has really turned this character around! Aquaman now spends most of his time on land, he has a whole bunch of new magic powers, he's traveling in space, and he's been raped! I'm not sure if this is the Aquaman everybody has been clamoring for! Maybe Cullen Bunn misheard "Aquaman should ride giant seahorses!" as "Completely destroy the character and make the comic book extremely hard to care about."

So last issue after being raped by Mera's evil twin sister, Aquaman teleported to a strange planet. Maybe he's going to process the violence of what Siren did to him? I mean, it wasn't really that violent. Aquaman just thought he was being intimate with his one and only love but instead found out he was fucking somebody else. I mean, some guys might just think of that as "bonus sex." Especially since Mera can't get mad at Arthur because then she'd be blaming the victim! Although Aquaman probably shouldn't smirk and smile when he talks about it.

I'm pretty flippant about everything so it's kind of hard to really figure out where I stand on any issue but I will say this: I don't fucking care about this rape. It's no big deal. Arthur's a big boy and he can handle having had sex with somebody who turned out to be somebody else. I would say this is less traumatic than Patty being raped by Future Barry Allen who was technically the same person but pretending to be his younger self! That's some fucked up shit and I could totally understand why Patty had to break up with Barry after that even if it wasn't Barry's fault. I just hope Cullen Bunn isn't around long enough to have Mera get angry at Arthur for this encounter (which was rape).

The great thing is that nobody has to care about my opinion of how much I care!

Aquaman has been in a pulp comic for the last few months and he's just getting deeper into the pulpiness of it all. Now he's John Carter!

I was under the assumption that Aquaman was teleporting via Ya'wara's bauble but apparently it's just another magic power that was granted to him via Poseidon. Of course!

Aquaman winds up in a battle he's sure to lose against a pack of vicious predators. But a bigger creature screams and the predators run off because that's just what happens in a situation like this! When the hero can't save himself because he's terrible, he needs some kind of cliche intervention!

Aquaman, now safe, wanders off to discover that the world he's on shares a lot of similarities with Thule. Oh my gosh! Atlantis is an alien civilization! You don't get much more pulp than that!

Aquaman passes out from loss of blood from the wound Siren gave him. So he fails again and dies!

Stupid aliens. Can't they leave well enough alone?

Aquaman meets the queen of the aliens but she only speaks in garbled Old Portugese [sic]. That means that Arthur has to make a whole bunch of assumptions on why he sees architecture and creatures from Thule on this alien planet. He has no evidence for his assumptions; he has no proof for his guesses. But I'm sure he's figured it all out anyway because that just makes everything easier. He's pretty smart to figure out that Thule has been colonizing other planets. I was an idiot to think that maybe Atlantis came to Earth from this planet! That was such a stupid assumption without any evidence to back it up. Of course I was wrong!

Arthur figures out that the way to defeat the Thules is to surprise them! Wasn't that the first chapter in The Art of War? But he finds out that surprising them is going to be harder than it seems because the Thules know him! THEY FUCKING KNOW HIM!

But if that's Earth That Was, does that mean Arthur needs to travel through time as well?! And that they have a reason for hating him! Such pulpy sweet goodness!

I am actively trying to ignore the nonsense of the needing a bigger boat tag at the end.

Aquaman #45 Rating: No change. Cullen Bunn's run on Aquaman simply feels like a story he wanted to write or tell in a pulp fiction setting and he just crammed Arthur Curry into the lead role even though he doesn't belong there. Is it a good story? Who the fuck can tell because it doesn't work as an Aquaman story and Aquaman's name is on the fucking cover. I can understand how DC's editors would okay this story though because I think DC Comics really doesn't understand Aquaman. He's pretty simple at his core. He protects the sea, he's king of Atlantis, and he talks to fish. But DC is like a child who has been told over and over again that they're worthless. So they hear all the jokes about Aquaman and assume he needs to be tinkered with and changed. But he really doesn't. Just stick with his core shit no matter how silly it can be. In fact, embrace the fucking silly shit. Make him ride seahorses! Introduce a dolphin that has a huge crush on him and won't leave him alone. Give him a manatee sidekick. Do anything that involves the sea or sea animals and forget about all of this shit where he suddenly has more powers than Martian Manhunter. Come on, DC! A five year old can write a better Aquaman story!

Aquaman #43

In this issue, we'd better find out that Mera is under the influence of the Thules or this shit makes no sense. Unless Aquaman fucked Ya'wara.

Recently I scanned in a picture from Justice League of America #2 where Aquaman points out that Rao is a piece of shit god and gods don't actually exist and religion is stupid. I then captioned it with "And just like that, Aquaman is my favorite hero." Or something. I just want everybody to know that that didn't really make Aquaman my favorite hero, okay? Even if that was the most bad-ass thing ever said by a character in a comic book, it still wouldn't make up for years of Aquaman trying desperately to be serious and liked by all of the fanboys. See, I don't hate Aquaman. I hate Aquaman since around the time he had that four issue mini-series sometime in the mid-80s. It was the one where he got his new suit that looked like water. I won't say I hated him during the time Peter David was writing him but I was hurt that he was turning his back on silly, whimsical, giant seahorse riding Aquaman to become a darker, grimmer king of the sea. I want the Aquaman that causes fanboys to mock him as being the guy who talks to fish. Well, that's his main power. He should talk with fish. And when I say "talk," I mean talk. I don't mean command them to throw their lives away at his expense. I mean he should have a discussion with them and ask if they'll help him defeat Black Manta yet again. Then he should have to owe them a favor so that sometime during some huge Justice League cosmic crisis, he'd turn to Batman in the middle of the battle and be all, "Oh shit. There's something I have to take care of!" Then he'll rush off to the ocean to play midwife to a pod of whales while the universe is on the brink of destruction. Because he promised and he's the King of Atlantis and he must keep his promises or everything in his kingdom will fall apart.

That's the Aquaman I'd like to see. The Aquaman I don't want to see? This one currently being written by His Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire. This Aquaman isn't Aquaman at all. I guess Cullen Bunn couldn't think up a story where Aquaman speaks with fish. So instead, he gave Aquaman a shitload of super powers. Now Aquaman can freeze things in ice and make pillars of rock shoot out of the ground and teleport. What editor thought that was a good idea? That's like DC Comics having a press conference and declaring once and for all that they also think Aquaman is a useless piece of garbage. Apparently he's not an exciting enough hero if he's just speaking with fish and acting morose. He's also got to have new super powers and be on the run from Atlantis and be hated by his fiance as well. This Aquaman blows. I like the Aquaman that tells priests to suck it!

Last issue, Aquaman is all, "I have to go stop the incursion and I don't want you to come. Stay and reign over Atlantis!" Now he's all, "Never mind! You should be at my side when I tell the Atlanteans about the change of plans because you know how much they've come to love and trust you even though they hated you right up until ten minutes ago when I told them not to hate you." So then Mera is all, "Fuck that, you traitor!"

Mera decides that talking is the wrong way to go about having a conversation so she pins Arthur to the wall with her water powers. Then she points out how Aquaman made her Queen of Atlantis so she has to protect Atlantis. The way to protect Atlantis, I suppose, is to beat the shit out of the guy who's supposed to be saving it. But see, it's okay to beat him up now because he doesn't plan on saving Atlantis immediately. He'd rather save some innocent Atlanteans from another bloodline before he destroys the place they're currently held captive. Mera rightly realizes that that would cause harm to her new kingdom so she threatens the only person who can save her new kingdom which seems like it could harm her new kingdom which means maybe she should be attacking herself? Logic is hard.

Sodomizing your fiance with a trident is a pretty hefty cost though.

This makes sense because Mera is obviously under the influence of the Thule invaders. The comic is more dramatic if Mera is brainwashed into hating Aquaman even if that's the kind of thing that happens in comic books every time you turn around. It must be a really good plot twist since it gets used so much.

Back in the present, Aquaman and Garth seem to have come to a truce since an ancient juggernaut has awakened and is threatening to smash them both into fishy smelling jelly.

Yay! We all came to an agreement! Pump your fists in the air!

Aquaman has another flashback where Extriax the Wizard from Old Atlantis is all, "Dudebro. Your people suck." So then Aquaman tells a joke about Mera's violent temper and isn't at all concerned about his people turning against him. I don't know how he can laugh off being attacked by Mera! Unless he realizes she's not really mad at him. She's just under the control of some monster from Thule and probably in serious danger. Oh well! Time to go save some Old Atlanteans while not dealing with the Mera problem at all. There's no time to deal with that! It'll be much quicker to save the Old Atlanteans while the New Atlanteans are constantly trying to assassinate Arthur. Plus remember how Thule is dipping their toe in the water? That's like a timer counting down to zero. Shit has to happen fast!

Aquaman points out (back in the present while fighting alongside King Shark) that his new powers also consist of controlling storms. Just call in some fucking flying fish or something, hunh?! Maybe get some Mudskippers in here so that the juggernaut will slip on them and break its back! Anything except suddenly being DC's briny version of Thor.

And back in the present, we discover how he got all of his new powers and then I have to go pick up the comic book from the floor near where I threw it against the wall.

And just like that, Aquaman is my least favorite hero

I realize that Bryan Hitch's Justice League of America is taking place in some other dimension but didn't Aquaman just say in that comic book that he doesn't believe in Poseidon? And now here he is with his fish tail between his legs asking the sea god for help? It's so embarrassing! Like when I pray to Jesus Christ that my downstairs neighbor dies in a drunk driving accident. I mean, I don't believe in Jesus Christ at all so why would I think he'd help me murder anyone?!

Poseidon tells Arthur all about Thule and how they're a coven of witches who caused strife in Old Atlantis until Atlan sent them packing. They fled into another dimension just behind our dimension where they've been up to no good for centuries. Aquamn gets all pissy that Poseidon didn't do anything to save the Atlanteans enslaved by the Thule and then Poseidon screams back at Arthur that he "did as a god pleases!" And then he gives Arthur a fuck-ton of super powers to help him defeat Thule. Because I guess that's something else that pleases a god.

Back to the present, Aquaman cannot defeat the juggernaut with mere godly powers. But he knows how to speak with fish! So he uses that power to call forth Topo or some other kraken or something that doesn't actually exist even in a super hero comic book so that it can destroy the juggernaut. It's about fifty times bigger than the juggernaut and rips the thing apart which makes me wonder why Aquaman did everything else before calling forth his monster up his sleeve. I guess he just wanted to show off his new lightning power.

After the fight, Garth is all, "Okay! Cool. Me and my fish gang will just go now. We didn't really want to fight you anyway." Watching the fight from her hidden lair is Siren. She's the person that has been pretending to be Mera and is working with Thule and is also apparently Mera's twin sister Hila or something. So it's as I pointed out earlier. Mera is in danger and all Arthur could do was make some fucking jokes about it. You'd think his main priority would be to find out why Mera was acting so fucking weird because it would totally make sense that she's being influenced by Thule. I guess he's just stupid.

Aquaman #43 Rating: No change. I once read a story one time where there was no evil twin and the entire time I was reading it, I kept thinking, "But where's the evil twin? Shouldn't there be an evil twin?!" So when Mera's evil twin appeared, I was all, "Totally knew it was going to turn out to be an evil twin even though I never speculated about an evil twin in my reviews because I totally didn't want to spoil it for anybody." So now that it's been revealed that Mera was instantly captured by the enemies of Atlantis immediately after Arthur gave her authority to rule over the kingdom, I can say, "I told you so," right? I totally knew Mera couldn't handle the responsibility! If you've been reading Aquaman since the beginning of The New 52, you may have been thinking, "She's totally competent and will totally do a kick ass job of ruling Atlantis because she even has more confidence than Aquaman himself!" But you would have been forgetting that His Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire took over the writing duties of this comic book and decided that Aquaman and Mera should be completely different people than they were before he began writing this comic book. How could you have forgotten that when you were thinking Mera would make a decent Queen? Amateur!

Aquaman #42

Who is this guy and why is he wearing Arthur's Boner Belt?

Last issue, Aquaman didn't speak with any fish. That's the best part about Aquaman! If he isn't speaking with fish or telepathically convincing them to sacrifice their lives to solve his problems, then he isn't Aquaman! He's just some guy with blonde hair like the stranger on the cover! He could be anybody! Cullen Bunn could have used this story for any DC hero he was allowed to write. Lone hero battles back dark forces from another world while on the run from the government of his home nation. He'd better speak with some frickin' sea life this issue or I'm going to question Cullen Bunn's knowledge of Aquaman!

This issue is called "The Other Atlantis" because the DC Youniverse needs another place for Arthur to be responsible for. He can't even take care of the regular Atlantis without everybody constantly second guessing his decisions and questioning his loyalty. Maybe this other Atlantis will be full of Atlanteans who will respect Arthur and his amazing ability to convince Killer Whales to beach themselves for the greater good.

The issue begins with Aquaman having a stupid memory just like how John Stewart begins his issues with stupid memories and how Sinestro begins his issues with stupid memories. I smell a pattern! Aquaman's stupid memory is about how some weird kid who wasn't even Arthur's friend or else he probably would have said "I had a friend back in high school" instead of "there was a kid in high school". This fucking nerd was always slobbering all over Arthur trying to get him to play Magic the Gathering but Arthur was all, "Dude. Stop wasting your fucking time with that pussy drying bullshit. Get a fucking life, nerd. You're a nerd, nerd. Fucking nerd." But now that Aquaman is battling summoned armies from another dimension, he's thinking maybe Magic the Gathering would have given him a "little useful knowledge" in his current situation. Well, I guess! For one, if you saw five of the same type of monster attacking you, you could call the judge over to declare a rules violation. Or if you'd played, perhaps you'd now be a better fighter due to the experience of wonder the game filled you with right up until your first asshole friend brought around a Scrye magazine which showed the values of all the cards and it destroyed any sense of innocent fun in the game and caused all the players in your group to begin hoarding their valuable cards and stop playing for ante. Playing Magic the Gathering would have taught you that people are generally greedy assholes who will cheat if they can manage it although, technically (a word they'll use a lot because lots of gamers who think they're really good at a game are really just pushy assholes), they're just playing quickly and they didn't force you to miss a point where you could have played a card, you stupid slow minded moron. Perhaps Aquaman would have learned though that perhaps one out of fifteen strangers you meet playing Magic the Gathering in public locations is actually a really terrific person who enjoys playing the game as much as you do and will patiently wait for every move and consideration because the fun of the game isn't in winning due to mistakes but winning because you played the best or put together a fantastically crazy deck using a theme nobody had ever thought of before and wasn't copied from other people like 99 out of 100 decks you wind up playing against. Fuck. No wonder I stopped playing Magic the Gathering.

What I'm trying to say is that Magic the Gathering would not have helped Aquaman at all and an intelligent person like Aquaman would never have even considered a card game could have helped him in actual battle. So this is just an excuse for Cullen Bunn to mention Magic the Gathering and how he was always too busy to waste his time playing it. Well la dee da! Should I just refer to him as His Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire from now on? So busy with important things! No trivialities for him!

Don't try to tell me that I'm confusing the character with the writer! I already pointed out how the character should never have had this thought in the first place! Fuck you! His Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire is awful!

Goddammit. I'm only two pages into this thing and my heart is racing and I'm sweating profusely and there are four new holes in my wall and did anybody know knuckles bleed this much?!

Arthur is in another dimension rescuing more people to take back to his Jungle Sex Shanty Hideaway. A wizard is helping him so that's why this is so much like Magic the Gathering! Plus alternate dimensions which is part of it or something. The Dark was my favorite Magic set. The game never really felt the same after that set because Fallen Empires could have been released as a hastily scrawled note from Richard Garfield saying, "Ha ha! I got you addicted now here's a bunch of bullshit crap laced with my semen, you junkie!"

Arthur has a flashback to where he left Mera in charge of Atlantis while he went to investigate the other dimensional toe dipping itself into his waters. Mera is all, "Remember how the Atlanteans hate me?! They'll never want me in charge!" And Aquaman is all, "I'll take care of it! Obey Mera, okay? Done!"

No seriously. I'm not exaggerating. That's what happened. Look for yourself!

Most of these Atlanteans still don't even trust Aquaman! This is going to be a disaster!

You know what? Now that I've showered and calmed down, I want to apologize to His Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire for believing he never played Magic. He looks like the kind of guy who not only played a lot of Magic but is also the kind of guy who would casually cast "Winter Blast" as an instant as if he didn't know any better or who would cheat in a Sealed Deck League and claim he opened a pack of The Dark that had only U1s in it except also a Maze of Ith, of course.

Sorry for the Magic the Gathering speak.

Arthur assures Mera that she'll be fine even though she should know she'll be fine. She's worrying an awful lot for the strong badass fuckmonster she is (I'm assuming she's a fuckmonster because I'd definitely be cowering under my covers if she came out of my closet to bang me. I mean, I want it but I know I can't handle it). Arthur leaves Mera in charge and rushes off to become Atlantis's Most Wanted for some reason.

Maybe the reason is that he's not really him! These are two different guys, right?

Last commentary I made a joke that the Atlanteans were trying to capture or kill Aquaman because he wasn't saving Atlantis quickly enough. It turns out that's actually the case. He isn't destroying the world that is leaking into our world because innocent people are currently being held captive in that world. So he needs to save all of the innocent people before destroying the world. Not one other Atlantean has any empathy and could never understand why Aquaman is delaying destroying the world, I guess. Or maybe only Mera lacks empathy (which she doesn't but, you know, let's go with what we have to work with) and she's commanded the Atlanteans to kill Arthur for not hurrying and they must listen to her because Arthur told them to. Although I still think Mera wants to kill Arthur because he put his dick in Ya'wara's secret panther.

Seriously though, DC. Nobody cares that Aquaman's new costume is just a huge boner?

Back to the flashbacks, we learn that the first huge incursion under the water that threatened Atlantis was a ruin that housed the Warlock of Atlantis, Extriax, and a bunch of others seeking asylum from Thule. They are Atlanteans that cannot breathe underwater because they're from an older line or something. I guess they left Atlantis for Other Atlantis in another dimension before the main Atlantis sank. Unless the main Atlantis is the other Atlantis. That seems more in keeping with the kind of twist that His Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire enjoys.

Anyway, Arthur learns that he can't just destroy this other world like he really wants to. He has to save all of the innocent people because he's "also the guy who stands up for those who can't protect themselves." Oh, is he? Is he that now?

His Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire really fucking loved his "dipping the toe" analogy so he uses it again this issue. No wonder my comic book smells like semen!

As Arthur battles the remnants of ancient Atlantis invading Earth up in Alaska, he looks different yet again! He's three people! He also has many more powers. Last issue he froze a bunch of creatures in ice. This time he makes large stone pillars rise up out of the ground. But he still hasn't commanded a seahorse to let him put a saddle on it.

While Aquaman is saving Alaska, he's confronted by an underwater version of the Suicide Squad (led by Aqualad, I think? Did Garth already appear in The New 52? Sometime with Tula?) sent by Mera to kill her cheating fucking bastard fiance. At least King Shark is among them! Although I doubt he'll be an entertaining King Shark because this story is serious and dark and there is no time for silliness or games of Magic the Gathering here.

Aquaman just met Garth for the first time and Garth accuses Aquaman of betraying Atlantis. So what other conclusion about Garth could Arthur come to except for "The kid's smart...and he's got a good heart." Arthur might have brain damage. Or maybe it's just my intense cynicism that thinks Arthur should have come to the exact opposite conclusion!

Anyway, Aquaman has one final thought as a huge ancient Atlantean golem rises up out of the ground and the issue ends.

I'm paying attention! And none of it makes sense! So His Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire probably doesn't really want anybody paying that much attention.

Aquaman #42 Rating: -1 Ranking. The only explanation for Mera turning Atlantis against Arthur is that he had sex with Ya'wara. But if that's the case (as the Aquaman Futures End issue from last September would suggest), then Arthur knows full well what Mera is thinking even though he states in this issue that he doesn't know what Mera is thinking. He knows she's pissed. If that's not the case, then this story doesn't even make the most feeble of sense. If Mera and the other Atlanteans are upset that Arthur wants to delay the destruction of Thule to save innocent Atlanteans still on that world, then it makes no sense for them to spend all of their time and manpower trying to stop Aquaman from saving Atlanteans. Even if Mera captures or kills Aquaman, how does that stop Thule from destroying Atlantis? They should be letting him do his own thing while they find a way to destroy Thule themselves. If the Atlanteans are upset that Aquaman is saving other Atlanteans, then fuck them all because they're entitled bigots. I suppose Mera could have been infected with the poison from Thule and brainwashed but that's far less interesting than her being upset at Aquaman's infidelity. But in either case, whatever motivates Mera, why are the Atlanteans just rolling over and following all of her insane orders? They already didn't trust her in the first place and are only following her orders on the word of the man who she's commanding they kill! Am I wrong or is this book stupid?

Aquaman #41

This is The Joker's worst plan ever. Teeny tiny Jokerized Great Whites?!

Here's a thing that happened with Aquaman: he wasn't really a big seller until Geoff Johns took him under his wing at the beginning of The New 52 and made him likeable. He actually fit the character Johns gave him. He kept to himself but still felt the need to help the people of his town even if they didn't appreciate it. He was kind and his relationship with hot-tempered Mera was sweet and believable. Then Jeff Parker came along and basically took that Aquaman and sent him on a few grand Atlantis-themed adventures. Parker didn't attempt anything revolutionary, and he didn't really reveal or change anything major in Aquaman's character. Things seemed to be going smoothly for Aquaman. He was a man a bit too tied down to leadership than he'd have liked but he seemed happy, he acted heroic, and Mera kicked motherfucking ass. I know that third part didn't have anything to do with Aquaman but she's been at least 45% of the reason the book was interesting. So with that being said, what happened that Aquaman's world suddenly needed to fall apart? Well, hopefully this issue will explain it in a way that I find interesting or I'm going to pout and maybe even cuss Cullen Bunn out loud!

The issue begins with an ancient building appearing through the St. Louis arch which means at least once in his life, Cullen Bunn looked at the arch, elbowed his equally drunk friend, and slurred, "What if that's a pothole? Porthole? Portal!" Then his friend threw up all over the back of the prostitute blowing Cullen Bunn and Cullen Bunn decided to write the wrong part of that story into his first issue of Aquaman.

Aquaman narrates the arrival of the ancient building which wouldn't be too bad if he were describing things he actually could perceive. Instead he's saying how the humans seeing it "don't know what they're looking at," and "their brains work overtime trying to make sense of it all." How does he know? Maybe some of them are Coast to Coast AM listeners and they were totally expecting this. One of them actually says, "--heard about something like this." See, Aquaman? Suck it! Take your condescending attitude and dive back home.

Aquaman arrives to save the day sporting a new costume. It must be Atlantis's Banishment Armor. Or the "I cheated on my wife with a hot jungle girl" outfit. His buckle must be the Atlantis version of the Scarlet Letter, especially since it makes him look like he's sporting a huge boner. Do none of the editors at DC know what a boner looks like?

This is from the Sneak Peek so maybe they've toned down this raging erection armor for the regular series.

This is a comic book so you'd think that panels of Aquaman slicing away at the attacking tentacles would be enough for readers. It could be visually spectacular and tell the tale in gushes of blood and curling tentacles and sweeping panels of Aquaman's battle. Instead, the first panel shows Aquaman cutting a tentacle with a SLLLLSH and while doing it, Aquaman Narration Boxes, "Enchanted blade bites deep...unnatural flesh torn asunder beneath its edge." That's almost as bad as back in the Golden Age when a panel showing Lois driving off of a cliff in her car would have a Narration Box explaining how she's driving her car off of a cliff while she's thinking to herself, "Oh no! I just drove my car off of a cliff!"

The rest of the battle needs Narration Boxes because Aquaman introduces concepts such as the "bane-field" which he's keeping at bay through mysterious blessings he's been blessed with by blessers. But at least his dialogue makes the whole book worthwhile!

This is where I'd add "Not!" if I weren't instead adding, "That's what she said!"

It feels like Cullen Bunn decided Aquaman would be best suited as a pulp fiction hero. Then he wrote a short story and handed it off to Trevor McCarthy with a note that said, "Turn this into a comic book." Did his wallet pinch him and say, "Hey! Hey buddy! You see how much scratch Gail Simone is making with Red Sonja and them other pulp heroes?! Holy jizz cows! You gotta get me some of that moolah!" And Cullen Bunn was all, "Argh! Why did I ever buy this wallet in that department store surrounded by a Bane-Field?!"

A bunch of pulp monsters come out to battle Aquaman and he pulls out his switchtrident ready to face them. But first...a flashback! In the flashback, Aquaman, Mera, Tula, Murk, and Swoon discover an ancient building with tendrils and tentacles coming out of it. But this one is under the water and poisoning the sea! That's enough flashback for now. Back to the awesome battle.

The awesome battle ends quickly with Aquaman freezing all of the opponents with his new Ice Power. Then he stabs the building with his trident, turning the building and all of the creatures into a pile of ash. The people of St. Louis try hard to comprehend what happened but they fail just as they fail to comprehend anything that truly matters every day in their rote existence. But Aquaman pops a boner (unless it's his suit) and thinks about the next kill. Also he thinks maybe he should finish that flashback!

It's a good think Vulko is around to give them a pretty definitive answer about what's happening. But even without him, the wild speculation by Atlantis's doctors and scientists was pretty close to the mark. I don't know how they do it without any fucking evidence at all! They just surmise shit and everybody nods their heads and says, "That sounds reasonable!"

Vulko makes his dipping the toe analogy based on speculation. He says he studied the scientists' findings but the findings amount to "it's possible this has been happening on a much smaller scale." Then the doctor goes on to speculate that it could have started with pebbles or small relics and then she says, "Or, as some of us believe, lower lifeforms." Everybody readily admits that there's no fucking evidence for the smaller scale incursion theory but, hey, it sounds good and it allows Vulko to use the "dipping the toe in water" analogy! Plus Vulko knew Atlantis was sick with this "genetic disease" for centuries. He just figured why tell anybody if they're going to keep him locked up for no good reason. Well, practically no good reason, anyway!

Oh shit. The people of St. Louis really are trite morons!

More evidence that the people of St. Louis are idiots (at least in the DCyou! I wouldn't want to offend any actual knuckleheads from St. Louis! They can't be responsible for where they were born), they shout merrily "Look! Look! Are those your people? Are they from Atlantis?" while pointing at ships flying through the sky. Now, I realize these ships are from Atlantis. But that doesn't make the people assuming they would be any smarter just because they've jumped to the right conclusion with the shittiest of evidence. Why the fuck are Atlanteans flying around in sky ships?! I don't buy it! Where do they even make these ships? Where do they test fly them?!

The Atlanteans demand that Aquaman surrender or they will kill him. But he just tells them to fuck off and teleports away. The Atlanteans say, "He's doing it again! He's teleporting!" Well, if they knew that he could do that, and he's run from them before, and lethal force isn't out of the question...why not just open fire as soon as they see him? Mera should have paid them more to kill the man that cheated on her ass. Her super duper fine ass, by the way. It's totally delicious.

Even though Arthur finished the "what's going on with these invasive buildings" flashback, Arthur still needs more flashbacks to bring everybody up to speed on why Mera now hates him. Also why Mera was allowed to be Queen of Atlantis when everybody hates her Xebel ass.

Aha! That's when everything went wrong! The proposal! It angered the Editorial Gods!

Also, Aquaman has allowed one of the intruding building and its people to remain non-ash. It's located in the Amazon and I bet it's right next door to Jungle Girl Booty Call. Supposedly Mera is pissed at Aquaman for allowing these people (who are not monsters like the St. Louis invaders. They look like humans (mostly) so they're allowed to live, I guess) to live. I think Mera is pissed because he's allowed them to live in the Amazon near Ya'wara and she's tired of Arthur getting back to the palace at three in the morning smelling like Jungle Sex but saying he was just checking on his new subjects.

Aquaman #41 Rating: I feel like if I don't drop the ranking, I'm not doing my job properly. I mean, Aquaman is now cut off from Mera which is a really terrible idea (-1 Ranking!) and he has a new uniform that accentuates his phallus (-1 Ranking!) and he's being chased by Atlantis because...well, I don't know. He's not saving them fast enough or something. The best thing about this current Aquaman is he's worse than ever! Try to defend this jerk, Aqua-lovers!

Klarion #6

Please let this be how the series ends.

My favorite thing about Twitter is how a funny person will tweet something funny and then one hundred unfunny people will reply to it with "jokes" of their own, and usually half of those "jokes" are just rehashing the original joke. It's like some people hear a joke and think, "Oh! I wonder if the person who told that joke knows how funny it is! I'd better repeat it but in a different and less subtle way! LOL!" Seriously, I love the internet because everybody can shout into it and, golly gee, isn't that a good time. But 99% of you assholes are superfluous. Me? I'm part of the 1%! Suck it, 99 Percenters!

I love being confident!

No wait! I love pretending to be confident!

No wait! I hate crying into my pillow every night!

Now that I'm done with my rambling introduction, this is the part where I'd normally give a synopsis of the previous Klarion issues. But since I didn't understand any of them at all, an update like that would be useless and, most probably, really fucking mean. And I'm not here to bash Ann Nocenti!

Good thing you can't see my face when I type because I couldn't not smile while typing the last sentence of that last paragraph! I'm actually here to bash her a lot!

Since when did Klarion decide to represent Nature in this battle? Did Ann Nocenti suddenly realize that she should probably mention nature at some point since her theme was technology versus nature?

"Game over!" "Game on!" Oh, oh! It's all so cute and clever that my butt hurts again! Thanks a lot, Ann!

Klarion and Coal are having a big battle now for some reason. Were they ever at odds before this? Why does Klarion even care? Why is anybody buying this comic book? I guess the colors are pretty. Good job, Guy Major! You're a colorist like Gabe Eltaeb and Jeromy Cox! You guys color things and make them pretty! Oh so pretty! Might I make a suggestion? Can you somehow cover up the word balloons with lots of pretty black ink the next time you color an Ann Nocenti book? No? Because the lettering gets added at a different time? Well then fuck you. You're useless. I'm just going to go buy a black Sharpie.

It's Teekl along with some words that that asshole Guy Major didn't color over. Good for nothing colorist.

How did it all start with Teekl? Because Noah stole some of its fur or something for a dinner recipe? And why would Klarion need to banish his own past? And can we just forget about the Buddybots! Unless they're meant to represent masturbation! If this comic book has been about people losing themselves in masturbation all of this time and I missed it, I'll never let myself live it down.

Oh my god it is about masturbation! I'm such a fucking idiot!

I made a joke last issue about the buddybots being masturbatory fantasies come to life since they emerge from the palm of a person's hand but I didn't think this entire run might have been entirely about masturbation. But now I'm starting to see it! Klarion was punished back in his home world because he wasn't using his hands properly! So he runs off with the devil to a less puritanical world where masturbation is practiced by everybody except liars! There he finds a group of witches who think masturbation by hand is the best way and a group of witches who think using mechanical, high-tech toys is better! And these buddybots are the perfect companion for the person whose palm they come out of which is obviously an argument about how masturbation cuts you off from other relationships. Which is why Buddybots are perfect because they're just extensions of you that help you get off but they have no agency of their own so you don't have to worry about their desires, needs, or feelings!

I might have to apologize to Ann Nocenti! She's a genius!

See?!

Klarion's buddybot, Klarwitch, goes on to ask Klarion to teach her and not hit her. She just doesn't understand jerking off yet because she's young. But Klarion teaches her to hold her hands like he holds his and then he shoots a massive ray of jizz into Coal's face. There should be a professional masturbation battle federation. Two men enter, one man remains covered in semen. I don't know how the female version of the sport would work since who can fucking tell who won and who fake won?

Klarwitch crashes to the ground and breaks so that Piper can have a conversation with Klarion about touching himself. I don't know where Rasp and Zell wandered off to since they were in this room with the buddybots just two pages ago.

Geez, Piper! He's being metaphorical! The snake represents his penis!

I think Ann Nocenti threw in that above panel so she could justify all of the times one of her characters spouted erroneous information in previous series. "See? I know better! It's just I write characters that continues to believe silly nonsense! You didn't think I actually believed that crocodiles love rotting meat or that cats can't swim? Pshaw! So crazy!"

That part where Piper and Noah were talking about how Klarion needs to banish his past that came up out of nowhere becomes a topic of conversation. And if you really want to know what it's about, you're going to need to do some serious digging in your local comic book stores back issue bins.

I think this that issue of Kirby's The Demon can be found at Billy Galaxy's on Powell Boulevard in Portland, Oregon. But it's super expensive there so I wouldn't recommend purchasing it at that location.

Gargora appears just as Noah and Piper are helping Klarion craft a spell to bring Teekl back to life. Sure! Just as the series is ending, the best character in the book is going to finally make an appearance.

I'm completely lost right now. I wonder if all the assholes that raved about this comic book are still pretending it's a magnificent triumph? I bet they're all blaming its incomprehensibility on editorial interference and the cancellation of the book. Because who would want to blame the introduction of a character and plot point that has somehow become the focal point of the entire series on the writer of the series?

I hope Teekl comes back to life, glances over at Klarion with his detached penis Klarwitch, licks her butt, and says, "Fuck this shit." Then she goes off to star in her own comic book written by anybody else*.

*Not Scott Lobdell.

Something happens and the witches win or something. I'm not sure who they beat. Or why. Or what the point of it all was. But I guess everybody is happy now?

Klarion #6 Rating: -10 Ranking. As you can tell, I stopped trying to figure out what was going on during the last battle. I suppose if I wanted to do more work than just handing over my $2.99, I could make sense of the story. But it would all be my own assumptions and guesses because the story is nonsense. Hopefully this is the last Ann Nocenti book I ever have to read because it stopped being fun about ten Nocenti Catwoman issues ago. She truly is an awful writer.

Klarion #5

Ooh! This issue looks promising!

I just found out today about mortality! Did anybody mention this to you guys? How come only Tumblr is talking about this?! It's so important! We're all, like, going to die one day! Think about it! It's like one minute we're here and then eighty years later, not here! What the fuck?! How come nobody's mentioned this to me before? Why isn't the media reporting on this?! It doesn't seem like the kind of thing you leave out. I would begin every newscast with incomprehensible screaming and blubbering followed by an in-depth consumer report about how to keep death from happening. If I'd known about this whole mortality bullshit, I wouldn't have wasted the first half of my life! How does one start this thing over?!

I mean, I'm not totally stupid and naive. I knew other people died! Heck, I've even killed some of them (don't worry! They were assholes and misgenderers). But me?! That's crazy! Me? Not existing?! How does that even work? I'm the center of the universe? If the center falls out, it all collapses in on itself! I'm sorry to inform you all that one day I will die and that'll be it for all of you. Poof! Out like a candle! Just like that fat guy with the fat brother once said.

Maybe nobody told me because look at how terrified I was right from the beginning. Also, I apparently was born wearing gloves made out of human skin. I guess I should have had a twin?

Now that I've learned the most important truth there is, I think I need to turn over several new leafs. I should probably stop being mean to other human beings just because they are terrible at writing and I keep wasting $2.99 every month buying their comic books. I mean, that's on me. That's my fault. So, Ann Nocenti, I'm sorry for treating you like garbage. From now on, you will get nothing but respect from me. That doesn't mean I'm going to be kind to your writing, of course. But I won't say things like, "If I had a time machine and a shrink ray and a pistol with only one bullet and some scuba gear, I'd go back in time and assassinate Ann Nocenti's father's fastest sperm on the day she was conceived." I will try to be encouraging! I will say things like, "Come on, Ann Nocenti! I know you can write dialogue that's coherent. That can be understood. That makes sense!" Or maybe, "Ann, you write like Shakespeare. Edward Bulwer-Lytton. Trite. Predictable. Full of cliches." Or even, "Go Ann Nocenti! You're burning up the quarter mile! Ann Nocenti! Go Ann Nocenti! Go Ann Nocenti! You're postal from the hip hop child! Ann Nocenti! Go Ann Nocenti! You are supreme! The dicks will scream! For Ann Nocenti! Go GO GO GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO!"

This comic book starts off completely awesome if you're illiterate!

I hope Ann Nocenti looked up the definition of "uncanny valley" since last issue. Not that it matters. She can write whatever she wants to write! This is a work of fiction. Even if its untrue that crocodiles love rotten meat, Katana is still free to say that because Katana is a character that believes things that may sometimes not be true. It's not like Ann Nocenti actually believes that nonsense. Or one of her characters might say that cats can't swim. Perfectly reasonable for a character to think that even if it's false. It's not like Ann Nocenti, an experienced, wise, world traveler, would actually believe that nonsense. So when the characters in Klarion misunderstand what the uncanny valley is, it's just part of their characterization. They're just dullards that don't know how to crack open a dictionary (or type the word "dictionary" into a search engine). And Rasp really is kind of dumb as you can see from the above conversation between Klarion and big, fat, chubby Zell. Rasp will put anything in his mouth!

Before Klarion can pop the Future Swag Buddybot into his face, he asks Swag if it's magic. He already knows it's future tech! The only reason he asks that is so Ann Nocenti can have Swag say, "Magic is nothing but a future we haven't met yet." Yay! So when I feel like I have to poop, is that my body casting a poop spell that will conjure poop in the future? I knew there was an explanation for why we poop!

After Zell was warning Klarion about eating a strange, future Buddybot, she tells him to not be scared when he hesitates. That girl sure does like to send mixed messages! Firs she's all, "I'm going to kill you with my hair!" and then she's all, "No wait, kiss me, you man!" Now she's all, "Don't eat that gross thing!" and then she's all, "You're scared to eat it, you chickenshit bastard fuckhole!" Then she's all, "I love to eat! Tee hee! That's why I'm so disgustingly out of shape! Boo hoo!"

Trevor McCarthy does know he's drawing Zell super hot and skinny, right? Even though his character designs looked exactly the same way and yet she was labeled as "chubby"? Does Trevor McCarthy not know what "chubby" means? Maybe he and Ann should split the cost of a dictionary.

After some wacky goings on in which Ann Nocenti is able to say something the same way but differently three times at least twice, everybody is expelled from Klarion's Every Kiss Begins With K-Verse. And they all lived happily ever after. Unless you all really want me to read the last thirteen pages. It's just going to be more of the same! Pretty pictures with lots of purple and blue colors surrounded by a bunch of words that make the pictures less interesting. Sigh. I guess I've come this far. I'll keep trudging along.

"Ann Nocenti, you're doing great! Keep up the good work! Love what you're doing with Klarion! Greased Lightning!"

Meanwhile at The Neapolitan Club, Rasp is getting his junk all up inside the Uncanny Valley.

Rasp: "Eww! Eww! You're so fucking hideously freaky, Contessa!"
Contessa: "Wouldn't having three nipples be fun?"
Rasp: "I'm so put off by your near human but not quite human looks!"
Contessa: "Let us exchange junk so that we can feel each others orgasms."
Rasp: "Don't look at me while I fuck you because you're freaking me out!"
Contessa: "Inna future, wes does not needs any secrets acause we all share da same infomations! We just fink, 'I wanna tell dat knocks knocks joke' and da pooter download da knock knock jokes right inta our brains and we's all laughs and laughs!"
Rasp: "Did I just put my dick in your vagina or did you just put my dick in your vagina?"

I think it's more like masturbation than incest. She's just an extension of the palm of his hand, after all.

Coal (the bad guy. I think?) gets a couple pages of back story. Apparently he walked in on his father just as his dad was about to blow his own brains out because some people stole his patents. The bullet blew off his father's hair and a piece of his skull which lodged into Coal's heart. I think this is some kind of metaphor for Coal's daddy issues. His father's failures weigh heavy on Coal's heart or something. I don't really care because the entire conflict of this comic book makes no sense. Klarion is only in the middle of it all because his name is on the cover. Also, I guess he's super powerful at magic (which is just the future that hasn't become the present yet, remember!).

I think Zell and Klarion are in a romantic entanglement as well? The only thing I'm sure of is that Teekl should be the costar and she's been nothing but a whiff of a monster in the K-Zone.

"Let's go live now to Rachael O'Rachael live on the streets talking a man who fears new technology. 'Sir? What do you have to say about the onslaught of technology on your life?' 'Get off my lawn!' 'You heard it hear first!' Now let's go to Simon O'Simon who has found a member of the embrace technology crowd! Simon? 'So, how do you feel about Luddites?' 'Fuck old people! What the fuck is a Luddite?' Ha ha! Good interview, Simon! Perhaps we should 'Google that for her,' right?"

My fake conversation isn't nearly as bad as the actual conversation that continues on the radio broadcast. One thing I know I'll never be any good at: faking Ann Nocenti dialogue. Here's a good moment from the radio debate: "Robots have rights. Just like sentient beings." "Really, Chuck? Even if we're scared of them?" That's hard hitting journalism right there! Apparently fear negates intelligence! I mean, I knew fear within an intelligent person negated their own intelligence. Happens all the time. Just look at the war on terror. But I didn't know that fear of somebody else negated the feared person's intelligence! I'm going to try that sometime.

Sometimes we get sad glimpses into Ann Nocenti's real life like this panel here. Friends hate all of their friends a little bit? Does that make me her friend?

Klarion's Future Swag Buddybot is birthed from his palm and he instantly abandons it to Zell because it's a girl. Plus it's a burden. Also it's no fun and needy and gross and a baby. On the news in the background where the mandatory television set showing news always appears in every comic book panel ever printed, a tornado warning is given for the surrounding area. But Klarion realizes it isn't a tornado at all! It's Coal's Buddybots flying off the shelves!

Klarion abandons his baby and Zell and heads off to battle Coal for some reason. I don't know why he's battling Coal. What does he have against Coal and the Neapolitan Club? Anyway, Klarion claims, for the first time ever, that his magic is from nature so it's going to destroy Coal's techno-magic. Although Klarion's entire motivation for the last two issues was to gain as much techno-magic as possible to kick all the asses forever. I guess once he had his Techno-Baby, he changed his mind. What a dick.

Klarion #5 Rating: -2 Ranking. This comic book really doesn't make any fucking sense. Ann Nocenti may have ideas she wants to write about, to debate, and to discuss, but she doesn't know how to form them into a coherent piece of fiction. Her characters are just things which speech bubbles come out of and whatever is in the speech bubble generally has no relation to the character at whom the speech bubble is pointing. I think she'd be better off just writing an essay on technology versus nature rather than trying to force whatever points she's trying to bring up into an entertaining comic book. She's proven four times now that she just can't do it with any skill at all. Perhaps earlier in her career, she did some good work at Marvel. I don't know. I've never read it. But so far in The New 52, I just don't think her return to comics has been very successful. But there are some reviewers elsewhere on the internet who do, so what do I know (besides knowing that those other reviewers have no dignity, sense, or intelligence)?

Klarion #3

This comic book was cancelled almost as soon as it hit the shelves!

Perhaps somebody at DC will finally realize that Ann Nocenti's name on a comic book keeps people away from the comic book. She is terrible at writing comic books! Maybe she should write a comic strip. Man, I would love to partner with Ann Nocenti to do a weekly web comic. She would write it poorly and I would draw it poorly and it would be so fucking bad it would be the best thing on the internet. Except since that's what I'd be hoping for, Nocenti would probably knock the writing part out of the fucking park. Hell, I'd be just as happy with that! But then we'd have to find an actual artist or else my scribbles wouldn't do her work justice.

I'll read Klarion in a few minutes but first let's take a look at another book from my childhood from my shelf of old books.

Apparently I thought the cover would look much better if Daphne were stamped all over it. Such an artist!

That font really looks like it's photoshopped onto the cover but I assure you that's the real title of this book.

This one is so good that my poorly written, barely legible name in little kid printing has been crossed out and my sister wrote her name underneath it. What a jerk!

"You know where to stick that Jizzle, Bamm-Bamm!"

The witch looks like Mr. Slate in drag.

Why would a couple of babies know where to get jizzle in Bedrock?

Everything works out in the end and, with the help of two babies, the witch manages to get jizzle all over the place.

I think my mom was trying to acclimate me to feel comfortable around perverts.

Okay, I guess I'm ready to read Klarion now. But I'm sure it's going to be a huge disappointment after the jizzle book.

Last issue ended with Klarion kissing Zell and Rasputin meeting his new girlfriend, the Buddybot. This issue begins with everything exploding due to the kiss. I guess. While Zell and Klarion are being blown through the air, Zell says, "Klarion! Don't look at me like that!" How is he supposed to look at you when you just tried to auto-erotic asphyxiate him with your hair while you kissed? And then blew up?

Maybe Teekl blew up because Teekl was jealous?

Afterwards, Klarion and Zell engage in a typical Nocenti dialogue full of changes of subject and non sequitors.

Maybe Ann Nocenti suffers from some kind of perception disorder which causes time to jump forward for her in the middle of conversations. Maybe all of her conversations are like this and she thinks it's normal.

Klarion notices a hole in the wall and looks into it. He sees Rasputin and his new fuck buddy, Buddybot, fucking.

That's not what the uncanny valley is, you stupid robot. Who programmed you?

Klarion barges in and Contessa begins face fucking Klarion. Goddammit! Now Rasputin is going to be jealous of Klarion and Contessa as well as Klarion and Zell! Stupid Buddybot! You didn't emerge out of Klarion's butthole so you shouldn't be engaging in benefits with him.

Contessa turns into a woman while Zell parcels out some Ann Nocenti Fun Facts about a replicated hamburger. Now that Contessa is beginning to look like a human robot, she's getting closer to the uncanny valley! Stupid Contessa! Be smarter!

A pod of taco trucks. Evolution. Waffle windows.

What the fuck are they talking about?

Piper the Magic Landlady gives the kids a lesson about bees. She points out how alone they bumble but are powerful together. Yeah, but they're bees. People aren't bees! But she tells the kids to act like a herd of bees and stay together so they don't get picked off while alone. But, as the Neapolitan Club guys pointed out, a swarm of gazelle still lose individual members to lions. So even in a swarm, or, um, a herd, one of the kids could get picked off! Like Rasputin got picked off already! I think this lesson is too late.

Ann Nocenti should have a toll free number that readers can call so she can just fucking explain what she's trying to say in this stupid comic book. I think she's trying to tell me that swarms are good and bad!

Klarion failed to keep all the kids with cell phones at the club from taking video of Rasp floating in the air. Oh, also, they got footage of his blue horned butt trying to get Rasp out of the air before they could film it. And now the footage has fallen into the hands of a covert agent named Agent Moody!

Well, I guess Klarion's a vampire! She deduced it with impeccable logic!

Meanwhile at Beelzebub's Barber shop, Beelzebub shaves a guy as the guy tells a crappy story and some guy in a muscle shirt masturbates on the back of his head.

I bet Ann Nocenti actually used that shelf story on some guy she was dating.

Klarion and Zell head out to meet Beelzebub at some robot art show. Zell reminds Klarion that Piper said not to go out alone and Klarion doesn't ask Zell if she knows what the definition of alone is. Then Zell points out that Beelzebub's card smells and is covered in flies. Gross. And Klarion had that thing in his pocket?

When the fuck is Teekl going to appear. What a waste, Ann Nocenti! I'm going to write an article called Kittens in Refrigerators.

At the robot art show, Klarion and Zell learn that Buddybots can cure autism! Stupid Buddybots. Autistics don't need to be cured! They're absolutely fine with themselves and their worlds. It's the fucking parents that need to be taught that their child isn't broken just because their child isn't giving them the endless, unconditional love they so desperately crave. The kid isn't "missing out" on your normie experience. Heck, they may even process the world too quickly or too slowly so nothing outside of their mind makes much sense. But then I guess a Buddybot would be perfect! I'm all turned around on the Buddybot now since it can probably adjust the speed in which it speaks so that the autistic kid can interact with it. Plus maybe he can get laid!

Klarion starts a fight with Coal but Coal takes off before Agent Moody and her Witchhunters arrive. Beelzebub also arrives to help Klarion escape in his muscle car. But for some reason, Zell gets upset that Klarion might ditch her. Why? Just get in the fucking car with Klarion. It's a fucking boat! There's plenty of room! Unless the dramatic tension and contrived plot are taking up all the extra space inside.

Klarion #3 Rating: -1 Ranking. The scripting makes this thing hard enough to understand but then the layouts tend to swirl across two pages and spiral back again and I have no idea what's going on. I think technology and magic are battling or something. Plus kids are being kids and stuff. And they're fucking robots. Since this has been canceled, am I allowed to stop reading it?