Justice League Dark #36

Ugh. Who invited Felix to the party?

After falling victim to The House of Wonders (that's what it's called when The House of Mystery fucks the House of Secrets), Justice League Dark fell into some kind of vortex where they were transported to fantasy worlds. Or non-fantasy worlds. Or future versions of the worlds? I don't know for sure because I've only read Zatanna's story so far and she was transported into a magic world where her every thought became reality. I guess she landed on Fantasy Island. This issue, we'll find out where Ada, Andrew, Alec, and Frank went!

I guess it's a good thing none of these four need to breathe. Except maybe Alec but I think he can provide his own atmosphere.

Alec's main issue is that he's been cut off from The Green. That seems to be more important than breathing because he begins to wither. But Nightmare Nurse helps him with a spell (what problem can't be solved with a spell?), and everybody seems fine. Although for some reason Andrew Bennett begins worrying about the air and the cold. You know, two things that vampires don't give a shit about normally. He's such a wannabe human.

It turns out all that's left of Earth is a hunk of rock. But it seems to have normal Earth gravity because nobody is floating off into space.

Why do you have to blame people? It's been billions of years! It's the end of time! So many other things could have happened to the planet! Like the mice could have taken over and built nuclear cheese bombs and blown it up into millions of hunks of dead rock! Or, um, you know, the sun could have consumed it in its death bloat. But probably the mice.

After Bennett flies off to find an In-N-Out Burger, the rest of Justice League Dark are attacked by Felix Faust Cooties with disgustingly graphic sphincters.

How is this comic book not rated mature?!

Felix Faust appears to the Justice League Dark as the gross caterpillar thing on the cover. He pulls Swamp Thing inside himself to digest him and Nightmare Nurse dives in to save him. Faust believes he has the upper hand but he's forgotten the number one rule of large creatures fighting smaller creatures: never ingest them without chewing first. The whole thing where somebody explodes out of the stomach of somebody else hasn't happened for quite some time in The New 52, so it's almost as if it hadn't already been overdone just a few scant months after The New 52 began! And I guess from Felix Faust's perspective billions of years in the future, it's almost as if it were never done at all. So I don't blame him for forgetting that you never allow the enemy to get inside of you in one piece.

Anyway, Felix Faust learns the lesson the hard way, spilling Swamp Thing, Ada, and his guts all over the barren landscape.

Once Faust is down, Justice League Dark faces another problem!

Wait. Why is the lack of oxygen a problem for a demon, a vampire, and an undead freak? Just get in close to Alec! Doesn't his skin produce oxygen?

The real problem is that Faust was maintaining some kind of mystic shield to keep out the Langoliers. Nightmare Nurse heals him and he restores the protection. I guess they're at a standoff now, so they're going to have to work together. To do what? I don't know. Invent games to play to keep from going insane from boredom?

Faust bitches about how the worst thing of all is the loneliness. I beg to differ. How long would company have kept him sane? Remember how Dr. Suess said, "Hell is the others"? Having companions would have just been another kind of unbearable existence. The real problem is not having any stimulation. No music! No movies! No chocolate bars or doughnuts!

Meanwhile in the time that has lots of time left, Zatanna is also fighting the battle against loneliness. This issue has the same message as 9/10s of all Twilight Zone episodes: loneliness is the worst! I think Rod Serling was a very needy person. Zatanna begins working on a way to locate her friends so that she can regain her sanity by constantly bickering with them.

Yeah, dumb dumb! Where are you going to go? Bennett already discovered there were no In-N-Out Burgers here.

Nightmare Nurse suggests that they ride out the end of the universe in a protective spell and wait for a new universe to begin. That pisses off Felix Faust's father, Felix Faust, and an even bigger, more disgusting gut-caterpillar attacks. That makes sense because even in a pseudo-imaginary story like this one, Felix Faust can't have any kindness within him! It makes sense that the kindness came from one of his clones of himself.

Son of Felix Faust battles his father to give the others time to escape to the edge of the world and fling themselves out into the void! That sounds like a shitty escape plan. But I guess people dying at the end of time can't be choosers!

Justice League Dark sail away on a ship made of spells. And that's as much of their story as we'll get for now. Next month, Black Orchid, Deadman, and Madame Xanadu (yay! I'll get to repeat my Haiku!) face their ordeal at the middle of time! That's the present, in case you were confused.

Justice League Dark #36 Rating: For a long time, I wasn't enjoying this comic book. But these last two issues have been enjoyable. So that's a good thing! And with this commentary, we reach the end of No Ratings November! The new rankings have been put up on the sidebar and, hopefully, I didn't miss any comics. Rank changes continue with the next commentary on Futures End #31!

Pandora #14

Yes! That fucking whore Supergirl can go fuck that lame Michael all she wants if Tig appears in this comic book! Um, I called Michael "lame" because he's a stupid girlfriend stealing douchebag and not because he's in a wheelchair. That would be wrong and I never say insensitive things. Except for maybe that whore comment. But that's understandable because she broke my heart and I have to condition myself to hate her or my pillow will forever be soaked in tears!

I was watching some Big Brother earlier tonight because it's the best show on television. And that's coming from the voice of the resurrected soul of John Steinbeck, Jim Morrison, and George Eliot, so you have to weight the merits of that statement with that in mind. The part I want you to keep in your mind is how you'd listen to and respect the opinions of the people I just named, so you should respect my opinion too. Don't keep in your mind that nonsense idea that I suddenly believe in a transmigratory soul that jumps from human being to human being like a sexually transmitted disease. Anyway, I was watching Big Brother and took some notes on some commercials I wanted to discuss.

First, they've released a new television trailer for A Dolphin Tale 2, possibly in my response to the feelings it generated in me which were substantial enough to arouse my ardor and rewrite the trailer for them. I may have used some words incorrectly in that last sentence. Now instead of a trailer showing a bunch of white people (plus Morgan Freeman, who, come on, is pretty much a white guy) patting themselves on the back for fixing a white person problem (namely helping a captive dolphin not be lonely or some shit), the trailer shows a bunch of white people who love a dolphin very much but realize that they have to "release it from captivity" if it's going to survive. So now they're patting themselves on the back for freeing an intelligent animal from a cage even though they loved it very much and it was hard to give it its freedom because they would lose their good shiny feelings forever. Way to go, White People!

The second commercial is the Best Foods Olive Oil Miracle Whip Commercial where some guy in a firehouse has just made sandwiches for the rest of the firemen. They're digging in, biting deeply into sandwiches with white, gooey goo dripping out the sides and running down the corners of their mouth when the guy who made them says, "That's not Miracle Whip in your sandwiches!" And they keep eating! Nobody fucking spits that cum sandwich out and begins vomiting all over the table! I'm surprised the guy that made the sandwiches wasn't fucking beat down before he could get out the second sentence which is, "That's a different kind of Miracle Whip in your sandwich! Um, surprise? No? No big deal? Enh, I jerked it on the bread, you dildos."

The last commercial I wanted to discuss is an Esurance commercial. Those commercials have really gone downhill since they fire Erin Esurance as their mascot. She was cuter than Supergirl! But not Tig! Anyway, some woman is standing on the roof of her house with a megaphone shouting about how she needs help fixing her house. Her neighbors stand around judging the way she's going about her business. One says, "That's not how you do that." No? That's not how you have a mental breakdown? Because your neighbor is fucking losing it and you're trying to point her to some insurance website? Go fucking calm her down and get her off the roof, you asshole! Before she starts shooting kids off their bikes!

That's it on my current round of commercials that get me muttering like a madman at the television while the Non-Certified Spouse just looks at me and says, "Why do you even bother watching television?" Although she probably feels like she's getting a break from my ranting when it's just commercials playing on the screen. You should see me froth at the mouth when the local news is on! Holy fuck I hate those idiots!

Oh wait! I forgot one! That trailer for November Man looks good, doesn't it? What was the pitch meeting for that movie? "Imagine this: the best killer ever. Now imagine this: the other best killer ever. Now--are you imagining?--imagine this: they're trying to kill each other!" Jesus Christ. Enough with the movies where the protagonist manages to be missed by five thousand bullets in two hours.

Okay! Now the Final Issue of Pandora starring, hopefully, Tig! Although I didn't like the art in the last issue at all and it's the same art team of Portela and Dalhouse this time. Maybe I don't want to see them draw Tig? I'm so nervous!

Oh my God! What did they do to you Tig?!

Ha ha! Just kidding! That's a picture of Will Arnett. Or Amy Sedaris. Definitely not Alison Brie!

Pandora currently has a problem. SHADE Agent, Agent Kincaid, took away her healing powers. Now the immortal can't heal and she can't die, so she's kind of fucked up. But she has a plan and it involves becoming a vampire! Maybe. That seems to be where the story is headed after reading the first two panels. Maybe she'll become Harvest?

Pandora, Shade Agent Agent Kincaid, and Giganta have become vampire hunters! They might even be better vampire hunters than that cheerleader that had a television show for a few years.

Really? I was going to say AIDS.

I hope nobody uses the phrase "the big bad" during this issue.

One of the vampires turns into mist and gets away because they do that kind of thing in comic books. Real vampires can't turn into mist though. That's just superstition! Real vampires wear lots of mascara and black clothing and sit on the park bench furthest away from everybody else on their high school campus rolling their eyes at the fools that enjoy being around other people.

While Pandora searches for the misty vampire, she meets Andrew Bennett.

That's going to suck, what with the not being able to heal and all.

Once the misunderstanding is over, Bennett and The Mother of All Monsters begin hunting together.

I see Pandora's clothes still retain most of their healing ability.

Meanwhile, SHADE Agent Agent Kincaid hires Giganta to join the Creature Commandos. She can be the incredibly shrinking woman! Of course she shrinks down from giant size to normal size but you have to stick with the classic name, right? Also, can Giganta go smaller than her normal height?

The Big Goods encounter lots and lots of vampires including one that is probably referred to as a vampire king since it's like a bunch of vampires all tangled up into one grotesque, piss-smelling vampire. I can see how that would be good if you want to scare the shit out of someone but it doesn't seem like it would be particularly advantageous in a fight. Too many arms and legs spoil the soup or something. Why do we talk in cliches and idioms? I blame Jesus for never being able to give his disciples a straight answer. It was always "parable this" and "allegory that." And his disciples never understood anyway so Jesus always had to explain what he meant by the story anyway. No wonder he allowed himself to be killed. Who would have wanted to spend another day with those assholes after they got trashed and blacked out at Gethsemane?

They defeat the vampires and not a sign of Tig. Poopsicles.

SHADE Agent Agent Kincaid extends her offer of employment to Pandora as well to do good by hunting monsters. That's a good idea! Get the Mother of All Monsters to lead the Creature Commandos! Is that comic book going to fire up again next year with a new roster? Pandora, Mother of All Monsters! Giganta, The Incredible Shrinking Woman! Dr. Jekyll and Missus Hyde! Nina, the Lady Creature from the Black Lagoon! And Agent Kincaid, The Dark Half! Hmm, maybe this should just be the roster for the next Birds of Prey.

Pandroa #14 Rating: -5 Ranking. Possibly -10 Ranking. Was this the final issue? What the fuck was the point of Pandora? Her entire connection with Flashpoint and the reboot was never followed up in this series. Or was it? Did I sleep through significant revelations? It's possible I didn't notice what I was reading because I was trying to think up some new dick jokes. Speaking of dick jokes, take another look at the cover. Is Andrew Bennett wielding his cock? His hand looks uncircumcised. Um, anyway, I guess that's the end? Or something? For now! Because, you know, there's a Futures End issue next month which you can forget about by October since it takes place in a future that will never come to pass. Probably.

I, Vampire #19

Too bad Tig's body was used to bring Lilith back since Andrea Sorrentino is back in the credits! I could have had my adorable Tig back!

Armageddon was coming to the House of Mystery but since Constantine has the ability to move the House to whatever imaginary place he likes, Armageddon was at least going to be localized. This Armageddon was due to the fact that Satan got his chocolate in God's peanut butter. And yes, that was a sexual innuendo.

Speaking of sexual innuendo, I checked out Google Ads to see about adding them to this site and was declined because I have adult content. And by adult content, I mean I speak like a fucking adult without a crucifix up his Goddamned cunt. Hey Google? Guess who buys things? Adults, you stupid motherfuckers. When are we, as civilized people, going to stop judging words because our ancestors judged words? You don't have to protect children from bad words if you just up and decide that no words are bad. It's that fucking easy, people! And guess what would happen? The word "fuck" would probably drop in popularity. I'd probably replace it with "cramp". "I am so cramping upset, you mothercramping cramper!" Plus we'd automatically drop a whole slew of hangups that people wind up carting around their entire adult lives. Remember people: removing the negative stigma of words is not a slippery slope to worldwide genocide!

Unless it is! But I don't see how it would be since the people being slaughtered would probably be saying "fuck" and "shit" and "Goddamm it!" a whole lot more than the people doing the killing.

Also, for people that might think, "If we take away the negative connotation of swear words, what's next?", I say, "Why not everything?" We have a lot of taboos that don't have any reason to be taboos except for traditional and religious reasons. Most taboos are the hard candy in the bowl on our grandparents' table. Nobody eats them but nobody throws the useless things away either. It's time to throw out the big clump of humidity-welded hard candies and get on with being an adult civilization, people!

And now that I've told you all to be adults, it's time to get back to my comic book. Actually I should be getting around to making a very important phone call for my business but who wants to deal with that bullshit? I want to read about vampires.

Allow me to allow Mary to explain, in a very entertaining way, what's been going on:

So much to love here. I really like the dig at Andrew's ex-girlfriend and the callback to Cain's connection to The House of Mystery.

Sorrentino's art is used for the scenes flashing back to when Andrew first returned to Mary as a monster. So even if Tig were still Tig, she still wouldn't have benefited by Sorrentino's return to finish this book.

Just a moment as I imagine this is me and Tig.

Back in the present with the other artist, Virgin Non-Bloody Martyr has decided to end Cain's reign of terror once and for all. Naked and pissed, she shall wreak fiery vengeance! That was not a sexual innuendo although I'm a bit curious as to how it might turn out if it was. She believes she will win because she's finally good and the only reason she never won before was because she was evil. Oh yeah? Perhaps the reason you never won, oh so great Bloody Mary, is that you were incompetent?

What actually ends up happening, as it always does, is that the two women (Lilith and Mary) begin fighting while practically naked and the two men (Andrew and Cain) also begin fighting while practically naked. It's the same old story since time immemorial. And every time, a bunch of people stood off to the side masturbating.

So in between reading pages of I, Vampire, I made my business call to speak with Steve. I spoke with Steve's secretary who said Steve would call me back. Eventually Steve called me back and then said he'd have to call me back after he spoke to his boss, Don. Conclusion? The unemployment rate isn't high enough! Apparently "Job Creation" is every time somebody at a place of employment thinks, "I don't ever want to fucking do that again."

While Cain and Andrew are fighting, Debbie Dancer comes up from behind Cain and chops his head off. I knew God marking Cain's forehead had a huge flaw in it! It's one of the first questions I asked when reading about Cain in The Bible! What if someone approaches him from behind to murder him? They can't see he's been Cursed/Blessed by God! Well, it doesn't work anyway.

Although now Debbie Dancer is cursed sevenfold.

If, in reality, this fight wouldn't be so terrifying what with the legions of Hell and the Wrath of God and the vampires and the green demon women and the decapitations, I'm pretty sure I'd be one of those bystanders masturbating to it.

Never you mind which couple I'd be watching.

Virgin Non-Bloody Martyr suggests that Andrew take Cain into the heart of the House of Mystery since it was built to be his prison. Andrew grabs Cain and propels him up through the ceiling to find that the House of Mystery has a far scarier Juris than the House of Secrets ever had.

And make him tell stories too!

Now that Cain has finally been punished to the backwaters of the DCnU and, perhaps in time, his own anthology series, Virgin Non-Bloody Martyr simply has to defeat Lilith and everything will be right with the world. Oh, and they might have to deal with that portal linking Heaven to Hell.

The Vampire Fighting Scooby Doo gang actually decide to do things topsy-turvy and close the portal first. And by Scooby Doo, I mean Mishkin. It seems once his master changed back into a good-two shoes vampire, Mishkin turned into a goody-two shoes vampire dog. Because dogs always do what their masters say. It's not in a dog to judge morality! Rolling over? Playing dead? Sicking balls? It's all the same to him if his master's voice commands it! So Mishkin knocks the Van Helsing's Accountant into the portal which closes it because it can only be closed by consuming the flesh of the person that opened it. I'd say that calls for a Mishkin Snack*.

*A small cow or human child. Unless Mishkin is no longer a Vampire Dog in which case it is an average sized postal worker.

Once the portal closes, Lilith loses her connection to the Material Plane and explodes out of Tig's mouth and eyes. Meaning that everything is once again right with the world.

Although my real crush was on Vampire Tig and I think she may have been cured of her beautifully sexy ailment.

According to the next page, Mishkin is definitely still a vampire dog. And Tig is still a sweet vampire lass. The only trouble is that she's partnering up with the stupid Magic-user Vampire that she turned outside Club Warlock. The Magic Vampire and Tig escape before they can be killed by Andrew Bennett's new Vampire Hunting Scooby Doo gang featureing Andrew as Freddy, Deborah Dancer as Velma, Virgin Non-bloody Mary as Daphne, and Mishkin as Scooby Doo. I guess Professor John would have been Shaggy if they hadn't killed him. That's okay. I'm sure Shaggy probably died of a heroin overdose in the back of the Mystery Machine at some point anyway.

It's too bad the Daphne part of the team has to rush off to the afterlife so soon.

Ugh. Adult content. I hope no advertisers are watching!

So apparently the Vampire Scooby Gang is a little short on members. But that won't stop them from hunting down Tig and the magic guy whose name I can't fucking remember. But that's another story. And this story ends with Andrew remembering how it wasn't he and his vampiric bite that turned Mary into the Bloody monster she became. It was when he disappeared and she was left alone with Andrew's father who raped her repeatedly. It wasn't Andrew that made Mary a monster. It was his father. And Mary's first act of bloody vengeance happened while she was still human, mere minutes before she became a vampire.

Would it be inappropriate for me to say that Joshua Hale Fialkov killed it on this final issue? Magnificent ending.

I, Vampire #19 Rating: +5 Ranking. This comic book gets bonus rankings for having a near perfect ending and for bringing Tig back so that she can have her own New 52 series in the future. Drawn by Andrea Sorrentino, of course! It's too bad that one of the best books in the New 52 was cancelled but they ended it really well. So here's to future issues of I, Vampire whenever DC decides to give it another go.

I, Vampire #18

This is not accurate! But I suppose Andrew cradling Virgin Bloody Mary's headless torso with her head resting by the UPC Label might be considered tasteless.

Once again, my stubborn brain would not let me come up with a word. This time it was "tasteless". So I googled "classy antonym" and got it! Ha ha! Fuck you, brain! Also, thank you, Lord Google, for propping up my failing intellect.

Andrew Bennett is currently a horrible, murdering, demonic villain of a vampire and yet he's gone all sad and emo when Virgin Bloody Mary was beheaded by Tig. I guess demons have feelings too. They're just usually squashed down beneath the sadism and the desire to squick everything in sight.

The story picks up with Cain about to pull his ancient love, Lilith, from a portal to Hell opened by Bennett and his buddies. Constantine has failed to stop him. Debbie Dancer is armed and ready to fight. And my beautiful, cute, perky Vampire Tig is being drawn like a monster.

I will never forgive you for abandoning us, Andrea Sorrentino! I hope you burn in hell with Green Arrow!

The narrator whinging on about love is Cain, the ultimate evil or something. He's the pre-vampire vampire, Master of All, First Murderer, Beloved or Cursed by God, depending on how you feel about the gifts of immortality and invulnerability. I guess this is a love story again! That's how it began and then it sort of lost its way but now it seems to want to end as a love story again. Unless it didn't lose its way and I just wasn't paying close enough attention. That's a distinct probability!

Cain isn't just bringing Lilith out of Hell though. Why waste a good Hell Portal, right? He's bringing forth legions of demons to give great ass pain to John Constantine. Although Constantine seems unflappable as usual.

John may be acting unfazed but I think he's secretly excited about this prospect.

Too bad nothing comes of it. The Legions never make it into the basement. Lilith never appears. And John just stands around casually telling everybody in the room that they suck at magic. Apparently using the stone from the Tower of Babel didn't just open up a portal to Hell. It created a portal linking Heaven to Hell. Constantine realizes this is going to be one gigantic cock up, so he decides it's time to leave. He figures the best thing he can do, being the master of the House of Mystery, is to send the House into an alternate dimension so that this fiasco doesn't leak into Earth's reality and cause a bunch of lousy crossovers.

Meanwhile Andrew Bennett and Tig turn into wolves and fight to the death. Andrew Bennett tears out Tig's throat while Joshua Hale Fialkov tears out my heart.

The last good guy left in the House is Debbie Dancer. So now she gets to face off against Andrew, Charles the Magic Vampire, The Van Helsing Accountant, Mishkin, and Cain. Maybe Mishkin will pull one of those Hollywood Dog Moments and recognize Debbie as his best friend which will cause him to turn on the other Vampires. Or maybe the other Vampires will all turn on Andrew once they realize he wants to destroy the world.

Or when Debbie is just about to die, somebody else will drop out of the Gothic rafters to save the day!

Oh Tig! Just don't die! I might be a shallow asshole who cannot love you right now, but I can wait until you're drawn by another artist!

Cain realizes that Bennett has become super dark and moody because he's now a repository for all the vampires that ever existed. Cain still wants to reunite with Lilith, so he releases all the Vampires from Andrew Bennett's body. They fly off as metaphorical bats and Cain finally finds Lilith.

For a green glowing gassy ball, she's pretty cute.

And then that jerk Cain does the dumbest thing ever. He uses Tig's body to bring Lilith back from the dead. I knew I hated this Cain jerk when I first saw him in Justice League Dark. I just knew he would ruin every comic book he appeared in and then ruin my life as well. Now instead of cute band-aided Tig, I have to deal with Lilith, Sorceress Whore from a Frank Frazetta painting. Should I like her? Even just a little bit since a trace of Tig might still be hidden somewhere behind the barely covered body of Lilith?

I'm sure Tig is under that slinky dress somewhere.

Now I have filthy pictures in my head because I said Tig was under that dress somewhere.

Hell begins to shove its gigantic, hate-filled, evil phallus up into Heaven's Portal and Heaven just can't take it. The Van Helsing Accountant disintegrates in the fiery backlash. Charles the Magic Vampire protects himself with the "Protecte" spell. Cain and Lilith hug. And Debbie Dancer hides herself and Andrew behind the shield she brought to the battle. Now that all the vampires have left Andrew Bennett's body, he's back to normal and regretting his recent actions.

He's also turned into Gob Bluth.

Andrew doesn't know how to close the Portal but he figures when in doubt, cast yourself in! He tries to hurl himself into the Portal in his attempt to save the world but he's bitch slapped to the floor by a naked woman stepping out of the conflagration. It's Super Virgin Bloody Martyr! She's come to save the world!

And insult Andrew's ex-girlfriend for good measure.

I, Vampire #18 Rating: +1 Ranking. That "To Be Concluded" note in the bottom is a little bit sad and means that this comic book just didn't have enough Batman.

I, Vampire #17

Isn't Constantine's ego already big enough? Do you have to declare him Earth's last, best hope as well?

Why do you suppose DC changed the title of I...Vampire in the Preboot era to I, Vampire in the Reboot era? Not that I care. Both of them suck. Maybe I, Vampire and my Blog were mixed up in this timeline. I think it should be "Eee! Vampire!" and "I, Tess Ate Chai Tea." Except then my blog name loses all of its attitude and charm and hidden swearing. Although "Eee! Vampire!" sounds like a fun book.

At the end of last issue, Andrew Bennett had taken over The House of Mystery and evicted John Constantine. That might be a problem for most of this issue but I have a feeling the real owner of The House of Mystery might show up to set things right. You know? Cain the Original Vampire? Now, he's not the Preboot Cain, obviously. But he very well may have the same relationship to The House of Mystery that that Cain had. Not that Cain is really much of a solution to anything unless it serves his own interests. So until John Constantine can do that thing he always does where he convinces his enemy that serving John is in his enemy's best interests, John is going to have to figure out on his own how to boot the squatters from his house.

I think these were my downstairs neighbors a few years ago. At one point I had a housemate I called "The Troll" and at another point, there was "Dead Boy."

John has enough magic power to drive the wolf vampire squatters back inside the House of Mystery. John's companions charge after them while John finishes his cigarette. Then he heads in too. But now that they've all entered the House of Mystery at slightly different moments, they're going to find themselves in all sorts of weird rooms and situations all by themselves! Remember Frank and Amy and Orchy and their run through the House? I think this will be a lot like that! Except with Wolfy Vampire Squatters!

Professor John runs into his lesbian grandmother. Virgin Bloody Mary winds up in a room full of the animated corpses of all of her previous meals. Deborah Dancer finds herself with zombified Mishkin (her lover the dog was named after). And John finds himself alone with Tig with his first opportunity to convince an enemy that serving John is in his enemy's best interests!

Constantine continues on the next page, "Well, kid...I suppose you should do something about that." These are my favorite moments when doing these commentaries. When something I mentioned earlier about a character actually proves out a few pages later. Although it can only be done when a writer knows his craft and allows the characters to be themselves. You'll never see me correctly guessing how one of Scott Lobdell's characters is going to act!

While the good guys are involved in their little House of Mystery detours, Puppy Mishkin and the two lesser members of Andrew Bennett's team, the magic vampire and the Van Helsing's artifact librarian, are busy doing some magic rituals involving the brick from the Tower of Babel. The librarian says something in Runespeak but he fucks it up so I don't know if his spell is going to work. He says, "Sere's the damn Runespeak again." Pretty sure he meant to say "here's" instead of "sere's". Dumb dumb!

During the ritual, guess who appears easily enough inside the House of Mystery? Oh, you don't have to guess. You know I always make the right call!

I forget what Constantine told Cain last issue but whatever it was, he may have already convinced Cain to help out.

The ritual being performed is one which will open a gateway to Hell. Cain is here to use the portal himself and bring his bride Lilith back to Earth. And he's more than powerful enough to get through these newly vampired yahoos.

Meanwhile, Professor John's grandmother has turned into a lesbian octopus flailing on the floor. She's just a distraction anyway. Andrew Bennett is John's real problem.

Holy shit! Is that how gay sex always ends?!

Constantine must have convinced Tig that he didn't kill her father because instead of being dead when he next appears, he's wandering in on Virgin Bloody Mary covered in writhing corpses. He saves her and then binds Andrew Bennett to the wall before heading off to close the portal to Hell.

This comic book might as well be the first issue of Constantine. Or the last issue of Hellblazer. Maybe it's the bridging story.

By the final page, it seems like Constantine fails to close the portal before Lilith comes through. None of that is shown though so it may not be too late. It could be Cain merely jumping the gun. But that's secondary news. The real ending is when Virgin Bloody Mary kisses Andrew Bennett and he bites her lip to begin sucking her blood to change her back to normal Bloody Mary! But he doesn't get to finish the process before my sweet baby Tig comes back into the story.

Apparently Tig is a huge nerd.

I, Vampire #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. Two of the supporting characters were killed in this one? Feels like they're closing up shop! I just hope Tig survives and winds up in Green Arrow where she can once again be drawn by Sorrentino and I can continue to crush hard on her.

I, Vampire #16

Is it time for another DC Origin story lifted directly from The Bible?

Last issue ended with Cain alive and well again. Not metaphorically alive and well as a vampire but really alive and well as a human child. At this point, I think DC has brought back more characters than it has killed off in The New 52. It's only a matter of time before Ted Kord is back with us! Currently the most unrealistic thing in DC Comics' history is that Ted Kord was killed and that was that for Ted Kord. Ralph Dibny immediately became a ghost detective after he died. Every other hero has been resurrected at least once. Hell has been shown to exist. Heaven has been shown to exist. Multiple planes of existence have been shown to exist. So where the fuck is Ted Kord? Is he the one person in all of DC Comics' history to simply wink out of existence? Even the people who simply winked out of existence ended up in Limbo!

I bet at some point DC releases at least one comic book called "The Preboot" or something like that. It will be like DC Universe Presents but tell stories of the characters that everybody bitching about the New 52 know and love. At first it will sell better than Batman but pretty soon everyone will start in how "it's not the same" and "DC isn't spotlighting the correct people" and "Why is Ted Kord still dead?" Although I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that will be asking the last question. The sales figures will drop rapidly and DC will cancel the title and that will be the end of that. This will happen because fans are never happy with what they get because it's never what they imagine or expect. The first issue should spotlight Amanda Waller walking past the gym.

Anyways, Biblical origin right on cue:

I need to learn a segue other than "anyways."

Cain explains how he wandered the desert until he found a dessert by the name of Lilith. He turned her into whatever he was (Pre-Jewish, I guess?) and they were married. In the Bible, Cain's wife (like Lot's wife and Noah's wife and probably many other wives) didn't have a name so Lilith is as good as any since it's dripping with slutty, evil meaning.

The name of this issue is "Nimrod's Son." I've explained Nimrod a few times already in my Action Comics commentary, so read those if you give a shit. I guess I'll find out why this is called Nimrod's Son even though Nimrod was the son of Cush who was the son of Ham who was the son of Noah and what does that have to do with Cain? I don't know if Nimrod ever actually begets anybody in The Bible.

Back in the Van Helsing's Secret Armory, Andrew and Tig and the new guy and the dog are looking for weapons to conquer the world.

Or just some brick to open the gates of Hell.

Of course the super secret armory in a super secret pocket dimension is full of traps because you can never be too careful especially when your enemies are an army of immortal blood-sucking bastards. The new guy sets off a trap and stone monkeys fly out of the walls to stop them. I might be ignorant of the entire Vampire Mythos but I've never heard of one of their weaknesses being flying stone monkeys. Although I might have the flying part wrong. And the monkey part. And possibly the stone part. It's hard to say since the artist isn't really trying to draw to reality or continuity anyway! One panel Tig gets her left hand seared off. Then in a following panel, it's there. And then in a subsequent panel, it's a stump again!

Luckily, that's the only problem with this book so far.

Meanwhile in London, Virgin Bloody Mary is getting sick of listening to Cain.

If only Virgin Bloody Mary were as cute as Sorrentino's Tig, I might fall for her too! Rowr! The attitude on this minx!

The next thing that happens is the only thing that could happen to a vampire turned human hanging out with the Biblical Cain in a pub in London: John Constantine arrives. He wants to help get the old, boring Andrew Bennett back because that bloke never felt motivated to do anything on his own. He was always just reacting. And John Constantine likes the world to be populated with those kinds of people. He shows Virgin Bloody Mary what's happening at Castle Van Helsing so she'll take him seriously.

What is happening at Castle Van Helsing? Andrew Bennett is beheading and murdering the mutant zombie leader of the Van Helsing clan. The brick they were looking for is from the Tower of Babel. It's powerful because it touched heaven. Now it destroys vampires and undead mutant Van Helsing leaders who touch it. I think Nimrod might have begun the city of Babel, so maybe that's where his son will get tied into the story.

After the Good Guys get tired of listening to Cain tell his story about Lilith becoming so enraged she became a monster and massacred a bunch of people and rumors began to spread and secret society was formed to kill Cain's children, they wander off with John Constantine because he knows where Andrew Bennett will be next. And then Cain disappears.

I guess Cain should be more immortal than even Andrew Bennett since he was the first. And if Cain dies, doesn't that mean all of the vampires he created die? I don't remember if that holds true. Anyway, it doesn't matter because Cain is still the same vampire he's always been!

Back in the Van Helsing's Chartreuse Room, Tig learns that her father the vampire hunter was turned and killed. She believes the Van Helsings killed him but everybody reading this book knows that Andrew Bennett killed him. But Andrew Bennett doesn't want Tig knowing that! So he tells her that John Constantine killed him. Why is Andrew Bennett such a murdering liar? I thought Vampires were supposed to be young, handsome, and charming? This comic book has vampires all wrong! Next thing you know, they'll try to tell me that Werewolves rip people to shreds instead of courting other people's girlfriends.

John takes the Good Guys to his House of Mystery so they can meet up with Andrew in The Chartreuse Room. But the House of Mystery is locked because someone else is pissing all over it trying to make it his.

Do vampires pee?

I, Vampire #16 Rating: No change. Scott Clark is a competent artist but I'm still pouting over the loss of Sorrentino. I guess I won't have to pout for long though since DC seems to be canceling this title due to stupid fans that don't know how to enjoy well-written comic books and can only enjoy comic books with characters from DC's cartoons. Fandoms are full of people in love with the idea of a character but don't actually give a shit how that character is being written. They just ignore the horrible stories and fill the pages they're reading with head canon and fantasy relationships. I told I, Vampire it should play up the romantic aspect more! Maybe set it in junior high! If a person's feels in life were graphed, Junior High would be the peak towering over every other time in their life. Except maybe college but the majority of those feels would be experimental.

I, Vampire #15

Oh no no no! What happened to Andrea Sorrentino? How dare Lemire steal him over to Green Arrow! What about my Tig's face? WHAT ABOUT MY TIG'S FACE!?

Tig still looks cute humping this guy's shoulder on the front cover but who wouldn't look cute humping some guy's shoulder? And the cover was by March so she kind of looks like Selina Kyle. I'm surprised Andrew Bennett's boobs aren't bigger. I guess it's a good thing if Tig isn't drawn as cute as Sorrentino draws her because then I can go on with my life and stop pining over a fictional vampire character. Also, Tig? What's with the band-aids? Accident prone or lazy-ass haute couture?

Last issue, Ex-Bloody Mary, Ex-Professor John, and Deborah Dancer (Andrew's ex!) were on a quest to save Andrew from his evil self. As his evil self, Andrew doesn't realize he wants to be saved. But once he's saved, his good self will say, "Thank you for saving me!" But if his current self is the evil self and he doesn't want to be saved, doesn't that take precedence? It doesn't matter to me though. Once Andrew Bennett is saved, Tig will take over as leader of the evil army and do a much better job of enslaving the world.

Tig, Andrew, and their new mage decide to assault the castle of the Van Helsings. While doing so, the mage casts a spell in Old Portugese [sic] that says, "This is Runespeak, see?" Oh! I guess I can begin calling it Runespeak then since I was tired of calling it Old Portugese [sic] and having to explain how I wasn't the one misspelling Portuguese! So they begin fighting and I just have to say, I'm not feeling that special something toward Tig. I'm sorry I'm so shallow, Tig, but something has changed between us.

I'm just not drawn to you anymore. That's a pun!

It's not like my love for Tig was based on her personality or her charitable works or her skill with a crossbow. She's changed her look and now I've lost interest. I guess I'll probably be developing a crush on Green Arrow come issue #17!

The greatest army of vampires in the world and across all of history cannot stand up to one Vampire Lord, one Vampire Mage, one Vampire Sweetie-pie, and one Vampire Dog. If only they'd learned the spell "Zilwan," this fight would have been over in seconds. That's a Sir Tech's Wizardry joke! Look, if I have to explain my jokes, you're just not living enough! Sure, some might say they're not really jokes at all if they need a lengthy explanation appended to them. But I like to go the "blame others first" route.

Eventually Andrew encounters the boss of this level: the original leader of the Van Helsings who was ripped apart by Andrew twelve times already. Now he's been put back together and it looks like they might have added some extra parts because he's a giant.

They probably didn't know exactly which pieces were his in the big Utah Van Helsing Massacre, so they just shoved as much flesh as possible together to form this brute.

The brute might also be a hypocrite since what is he if not some kind of Hellspawn at this point? I don't think Heaven is exactly partial to necromancy.

Meanwhile the goody-goodies are gallivanting about England looking for the place where Andrew Bennett was turned into a vampire. Luckily for them, Andrew Bennett came from a noble family and they had a plaque erected directly on the site of his terrible carriage accident which was really just an everyday vampire attack. Maybe not "everyday" since the vampire doing the attacking was The First Vampire, Cain. Also luckily (unless this is more "preparedly"), Professor John knows enough magic to raise the ghosts of any who died on this spot. He manages to raise the ghost of Andrew's carriage driver.

The carriage driver calls Mary a whore and then screams "Unclean!" until he dissipates. They decide they're on the right track and head into Bennett's Woods. That sounds like a pretty promising place to find Andrew's place of death! What they find is something altogether unexpected. Or maybe not so unexpected. But he is supposed to be dead!

What's this world coming to when you can't trust a comic book death?

There are far too many Cains in the New 52. And by far too many, I mean one. But there's the hint of the other one since the House of Mystery is flying around. And there's the possibility that The Unknown Soldier is always an incarnation of Cain within a human body, sharing memories and experiences. So even though only one of those actually exists outside of my mind, it's too many.

Meanwhile back in Castle Van Helsing, the evil trio have fled from the Giant Undead Captain Van Helsing and found their way to the library. Here they find a book that isn't the Necronomicon and use it to teleport to the place Andrew was looking for.

Obviously the book has a vagina*.

I, Vampire #15 Rating: No change. I'm severely disappointed that Andrea Sorrentino has left this title to draw Green Arrow. I would hope that this was just a guest artist but I have a feeling that the quality of Sorrentino's art means he can only do one issue per month. It feels like he's going to be wasted on Green Arrow but what do I know? Jeff Lemire actually has some pretty grim plans for Green Arrow, from what little I've read. And Green Arrow does need all the help it can get. Maybe I should be happy for the title but I just lost my Sorrentino drawn Tig, so I'm going to go off and mourn for a bit.

*FWASH is the sound effect made popular by Supergirl's vagina when it explodes.

I, Vampire #14

This comic book used to have my favorite covers. They've gone a little bit downhill.

Last issue there was a cute little female vampire named Tig and an angry super vampire composed of every other vampire ever named Andrew Bennett and a half-vampire wood chopper named Deborah Dancer and an ex-vampire bad-ass named Bloody Mary and they were all in some kind of a Mexican Vampire Standoff.

Did I mention how cute Tig had become as a vampire? Am I getting young girl teeny-bopper vampire-love feelings for a comic book character? Is this how the obsession begins? No, no it isn't. Just thinking about these relationships between young mortal women and ancient vampires brings the bile to the top of the throat. Haven't any of these vampires read Lolita? Don't get me wrong! I don't think there's anything wrong with an 1800 year old vampire having sex with an 18 year old mortal. That's just nature! My problem is believing that an 1800 year old vampire would want to do anything else with an 18 year old! They must have the worst conversations ever. Neither one gets any of the other one's references. The mortal has a handful of funny stories that are exhausted in a few dates while the immortal won't fucking shut up about the Old World. Where exactly is the upside to the fantasy? And does the eventual, horrible, awful downside of the "relationship" ever come through? I think reading Twilight should evoke the same creepy, crawly, disgusting, out-of-control feeling that Lolita evokes. I think every copy of Twilight sold should have to be packaged with a copy of Lolita. Take that, inappropriate lovers!

At least Let the Right One In gets the manipulation right. Now that's the Lolita of vampire movies!
I'm going to shut up now! Where is my darling Tig?!

Oh Tig! The things I'd do to you! I'd make you feel so awkward and uncomfortable as I piss myself and fall into a ball mumbling, "Don't kill me! Don't kill me!" Sweet, sweet Tig!

That dirty whore Bloody Mary and her bastard cunt arrogant prick friend "The Professor" have barged into haggy Deborah Dancer's log cabin to try and kill my Tig! Oh, and Andrew Bennett. But who the fuck cares about that drag queen? Except that if he dies, that might kill Tig. So stay away from Andew too, you wanna-be vampire hunting shitstains! This comic book isn't about goody two shoes Mary and her eunuch John. This comic isn't about the good guys anymore. Although if Tig hadn't turned into a vampire, I probably wouldn't care who this comic book was about. Human Tig just didn't do it for me. But vampire Tig! Wow! She's just so...what are you doing? NO! Get away from her, you sluts!

It'll be okay. It'll be okay! She's okay, right? LOVER!

Andrew and Tig survive the conflagration without much harm. That's too bad because I'm pretty sure reading about Tig being near death and needing to be nursed back to health would really fire my imagination in a suitably erotic and ultimately masturbatory way. Having sex with a vampire is kind of like masturbation, right? About 1/3 masturbation, 1/3 necrophilia, and 1/3 pure terror! I once had a dream that I was fucking a vampire and I was holding her down against the ground as the sun was rising and the light was creeping closer and closer to her head. She turned to ash as I was still having sex with her. What the hell does that dream mean? It's pretty fucking violent. Maybe that dream means that I'm man enough for Tig! I bet she would have sparkly eyes for me if I told her that dream!

The fucking do-gooder duo and Deboarah Dancer run into the woods and away from the burning vampires. But they leave Deb's dog Mishkin to become Andrew and Tig's new traveling companion.

That's Andrew's dog. I hope Tig gets a cat.

Andrew, Tig, and Mishkin hunt down a hunter for dinner. I think that's some kind of commentary on something or other. Maybe it's just irony. Or funny! Whatever it is, it results in a cute picture of Tig eating her supper.

Falling in love with a vampire character makes me feel so young and vibrant and succulent!

What is it about male vampire characters that get their female fans in such a tizzy? I bet Anne Rice is kicking herself for making Louis and Lestat so gay. Just think of how many more millions of books she could have sold if they weren't so sexually ambiguous! By the time Tale of the Body Thief came around, Lestat was practically only into lemon parties! Is there something exciting about an elegant stranger biting you in the neck? Or does the excitement only come from the knowledge that the elegant stranger only wants to bite you in the neck and no other voluptuous trollops just above their heaving cleavage? I don't care who Tig bites as long as I get to look at her bite them seductively and maybe a little bit naked. I don't mean the victim should be a little bit naked! I mean Tig should be a little bit naked! Maybe just in her underwear with one side of her panties riding up her ass and one bra strap hanging down off of her shoulder so that the cup on one side of her bra is loose and you can almost catch tantalizing glimpses of that one boob's nipple as the cup shifts and slides. Um, the victim can also be naked too though. I don't care. It can even be a man. Especially if we're all in college!

I guess I should discuss the loser half of this comic book for awhile now. Bitchy Mary and less-than-manly Professor John are trying to convince Deborah Dancer to come to London with them. They have a stupid plan that's not even half-assed. It's more like two-fifth-assed. They need to track down Andrew's sire (can't! He's dead!) or maybe just find where Andrew was sired and recreate the moment. I don't know how this is going to change Andrew back but that's okay because they don't either. They're just basing it all on a hunch. They need Deborah because Deborah knows more about Andrew than all of them combined.

This is surprisingly insightful of Mary who has shown herself to be nothing more than a narcissistic shrew up until this point. A lot of non-previously-vampire people could improve a lot of relationships by learning this fucking lesson. Do you love the person the person is or the person you want the person to be?

While these assholes are off on their fool's errand, Andrew and Tig visit the punk bar Oblivion in New York City (as seen in Justice League Dark #0 -- Read 'em All Tess!). This calls for a couple of scans of my honeybuns.

Oh yes please do! Send her to the House of Secrets where my last comic book crush lived! Vampire Tig and Rain would make excellent BFFs!

Tig enters the club while Andrew waits outside and she begins hitting on some piece of crap magician at the bar. Ugh. He's such an ugly dildo! What does she see in him?! Why would she do this to me? Why is she taking him outside and into the back alley? Tig, please stop this nonsense. Get away from my girl!

Dammit! This is the way things ended between me and Rain! Some skanky, poorly-written douchebag with low self-esteem and great hair drives a wedge between me and my crush!

Turns out Tig doesn't really want to fuck this guy. Whew. I knew she wouldn't betray our love. She just lured him out into the alley so Andrew Bennett could proposition him. I mean offer him a job. I mean offer him a military job! This guy supposedly has more natural magic power than that twat John Constantine whose comic book can't even make it to issue #301. Ha ha! Loser! Bennett is looking for powerful people to turn into vampires to become his generals in the war against mankind. This warlock is the first member of an unstoppable army he's creating. And Tig seems to be the recruiter.

Look at the way she bites him! I would bleed so hard for her!

I, Vampire #14 Rating: +1 Ranking. Damn, I'm really enjoying this book. I'm back off the Vampire Wagon! Although when I declared I was never going to partake of any other Vampire thing a year and a half ago, I broke that promise immediately by going to see Concrete Blonde in their 20th Anniversary Bloodletting Concert. That was pretty vampiric. I have a feeling that Andrew Bennett is going to build this big, bad vampire army just to end up transforming back into his good self. And then his good self is going to have to battle Tig and this Super Vampire Army he's created. Serves him right. Also, I hope that happens and Tig kicks his ass.