Lobo #3 (May 2026)

This was my brain in the late '80s, early '90s.

Lobo #3 (May 2026)
By Skottie Young, Nicoletta Baldari, Jorge Corona, Jean-Francois Beaulieu, and Nate Piekos
Cover by Jorge Corona and Jean-Francois Beaulieu
Edited by James Reid and Kathleen Wisneski

I get why people who are patriotic and religious get angry with me because I'm neither of those things. I'm sure they're thinking, "I have to pretend to be super into that shit or my peers will fucking lose it. How did you get out of having to live a performative life?!" Sometimes they try to debate me with their entire thesis being "You're a terrible person and I'm a great person because I am Christian and love the police and military and capitalism." But the thesis of my rebuttal is simply, "Okay. I don't care what you think of me. Goodbye." Is that a thesis?

I had a friend growing up who would constantly try to argue religion with me and our other friends, as if he were going to logic trap us into finally converting to Catholicism thanks to some helpful word puzzles from his hero, C. S. Lewis. Most of his arguments ended in, "Where's your faith, [my last name]?!", as if lacking faith meant anything at all to me and somehow destroyed all of my other arguments against souls or God or the existence of absolute evil or whatever other religious idea he was trying to launder through the eyes of his friends' logic sensors and belief in actual reality. As if by debating us, his ideas were just another set of equal views on the way the universe worked and not just a bunch of ancient dogma that has been used to control populaces for a couple thousand years.

So, yeah, I can understand that people who don't believe the things they espouse belief in would bristle at people who go about their lives not feeling the need to pretend in those things too. Sure, some of them actually believe that shit. But most of them, especially the ones in power (or trying to gain it) only believe in it as much as they can use it to manipulate others. They pretend they believe the things other people believe so those people will support them and they pretend to believe in those things to shit on and destroy anybody who doesn't believe them. One day, those people will all die out. I don't know when that day will be. Probably in a few thousand years because a lot of young people seem to love fascism, authority, and controlling things that don't affect them in any way at all. But one day they'll be gone because they offer nothing to the world but bad vibes, terrible takes, and abusive behavior.

I don't even care if people embrace religion for fake reasons or real reasons. The one thing which these people embrace that just makes me laugh at how huge a beta cuck it makes them is the police. Nobody fucking likes cops. NOBODY. Anybody who has ever encountered a cop has never been, "That was awesome! They really did a great job! What a needed role in our community!" I imagine the people who say they love cops must especially hate how free others are in their ability to state exactly what they think of cops. Cops are only good for feeding Wickermen. Whenever I see some poor sap flying a Thin Blue Line flag and that sap isn't a cop themselves, it fills my heart with glee that they have to live with that hypocrisy. "I love freedom and democracy so much that I want to pay a bunch of arrogant pieces of shit a ton of money to harass and beat and kill civilians!" Ha ha! Idiots.

Anyway, um, Lobo!

I love that Lobo's space pajamas are just his Omega Men uniform.

Lobo recently lost his job on a reality television show so now he's acting like he's a broke-ass motherfucker without any future. But he's still a mercenary, right? Maybe he's just sad that he's not going to be rich and famous like Nicole Richie. I'm super sad about that too. I mean that I'm not famous like Nicole Richie. I've stolen street signs, changed the letters on a fast food joint, and made a sex tape too! I guess I'm missing the key piece to her fame though: my father never fucking wrote "Hello". Stupid father.

Oh, I guess something happened to the Bounty Hunter Union when the broadcasting empire took over and all the bounty hunters lost their licenses. But some little twerpy alien guy drops by to give Lobo a psychological evaluation to kickstart the process of Lobo getting his license back. Psychological evaluation? For Lobo? To be a bounty hunter?! How can he fail?!

If I were fifteen, this panel would have instantly given me a boner. Now I'm 54 so I only have a boner in my mind.

I don't want people to think I can't pop boners at my advanced age! It's just that before I hit my late 40s, the boner drove the horniness. The boner was the beginning of the cycle and then the brain was all, "Oh shit. Let's do something with this! Why did it happen? Oh, fuck it, who cares?! Just stick somewhere warm and moist!" But now, it's the opposite. My brain actually gets horny and wants to get the sex stuff in and I have to convince my dick to join along. Oh, he joins along just fine (maybe not as staunchly and rigidly as before!) but he hardly ever starts the process anymore! I think my penis is just suffering from Weltschmerz.

The psychological test asks Lobo a series of questions in which his answers are mostly "I love fucking. I killed my entire race. I'm fucking drunk. And I don't really have any emotions other than lust (for food, women, and killing)." But eventually, the little alien dweeb asks Lobo about the first time he experienced joy that wasn't from any of the previous topics. And thus it's time for the origin story of Lobo's love of Space Dolphins! It's about fucking time!

I should note that even though I love the fuck out of Lobo, I did not follow comics for several years a number of times across my life. So if they've done the Lobo space dolphin thing at depth in some other place, I probably missed it. It's also quite probable that I just fucking forgot.

Miss Tribb is hot! Look at those gams! Too bad what eventually happens to them. Over and over again.

Little Lobo is so cute! Oh my god! I just want to cuddle the shit out of him! Also he's way cooler than all those other 4th grade nerds. I hope he kills them.

Lobo finds the controls for the aquarium and pushes the button that inexplicably destroys the glass and sets all the creatures free. I don't know why that button was installed. I guess for an emergency that I'm too unimaginative to think up. It causes Miss Tribb's panties to wad up really badly so she ends the field trip early. If there was a panel of her panties wadded up nice and snug against her alien pudenda, I'd have scanned it. So don't worry. You aren't missing anything!

Since Czarnia has no police or prison system because it's a grand utopia, nobody knows what to do with an anomaly like Lobo. So instead of murdering the little bastard because nobody knows what murder is, they call in the Pink Lantern to hug the violence out of him.

He's close to being the best lantern ever. The only thing holding him back is that I don't feel sexually attracted to him.

Lobo's memory of his childhood on Czarnia feels like a Conservative fairy tale. They love stories where the moral is "There should have been more cops." I love stories where the moral is "There should have been more Wickermen." That high school friend I mentioned earlier once had a class in high school where they split everybody up into smaller groups to manage an "island". They had to come up with some kind of budget to make their island a feasible nation state. My friend (Soy Rakelson. I've mentioned him many times before) and the jerks of his island spent their entire budget on a military. They wound up invading and taking over all the other islands which spent no money on defense. He was proud that the moral of his story was "The world needs more cops to protect all of the good people from me and these other assholes." Um, yeah. Cool, Roy. I mean Soy!

Lobo cuts off the lantern's ring finger, steals the ring, and terrorizes Czarnia for the next week with monster butterflies, devil flowers, and monstrous teddy bears. Eventually a Green Lantern comes forth to put a stop to Lobo. But that doesn't work either because the Green Lantern isn't Hal Jordan or Guy Gardner, men who would have beaten the little kid to within an inch of his stupid life. Instead, it's some weak jerk who takes pity on the child and chooses mercy over punishment. Lobo takes advantage of this and steals back the Pink Lantern Ring. That's the end of the memory because, I don't know, Lobo had no greater joy from not murdering, sexing, and drugging after that?

In the "end" (you'll get those quotes when you see the next scan!), Lobo decides he's bored of the psychological evaluation and just quits. He goes back to being happily unemployed.

What a windfall of Lobo ass this month!

The Ranking!
I love Lobo but I just feel like this series is missing something. Oh, I know exactly what it's missing: Simon Bisley, Alan Grant, and Keith Giffen! But that's okay because nostalgia is only good for horseshoes and hand grenades. I can enjoy a new thing that isn't the old thing that I loved while still feeling the feelings that I'm feeling where I feel like the new thing just isn't up to snuff! I'm a complicated and complex organism formed from multitudes of other organisms basically working together to create a meat shell that can sustain sentience! And if I can ignore all of that while reading this new Lobo, I can certainly ignore this isn't the thing I once loved and that death has claimed Keith and Alan! I don't think it will ever be able to claim Biz though. He'll probably kick death to pieces if it ever comes for him.

Lobo #2 (April 2026)

Goddamn that Lobo logo makes me so happy.

Lobo #2 (April 2026)
By Skottie Young, Jorge Corona, Jean-Francois Beaulieu, and Nate Piekos
Cover by Jorge Corona and Jean-Francois Beaulieu
Edited by James Reid and Kathleen Wisneski. And I guess Paul Kaminski, too

I cannot believe that The New 52 decided to toss this logo into the trash in favor of that fucking nothing logo they used for "I paint French Girls" Lobo. Whoever was in charge of the redesign was all, "Our new Lobo is too much of a pansy ass cufflink wearer to ride a hog so his logo shouldn't look anything like a motorcycle at all. It should just be regular letters but with some spikes coming out of the letters! And the letters should get smaller as they approach the edge of the page to simulate that a child with no sense of space and perspective were drawing it because then readers will be prepared when they read the comic book and think, 'Did a fucking baby write this shit?!'" After seeing this logo, I needed to refresh myself with the awful experience of reading Twat Lobo #1, mostly so I could really appreciate having Lobo back in his proper form. While doing so, I noticed a comment on my review of Twat Lobo #1 that I hadn't responded to. It went a little something like this:

"This Lobo is more like how he was in Omega Men and Justice League International, back when he was a scary villain rather than the crap joke Simon Bisley made him out to be. I eat my own poo and find it delicious! P.S. This anonymous comment is not Cullen Bunn at all!"

An interesting take calling New 52 Lobo a "scary villain" when he was waifier than a Victorian girl with dysentery and had less testosterone. In the first issue of his series, he either shit or pissed his bed after having a nightmare. And yet I've never heard anybody complain about how Cullen Bunn made Lobo shit himself from a scary dream! How is that when I still, to this day, hear people moan about Kevin Smith saying a teeny tiny amount of pee dribbled out of Batman's peener after he stood too close to an explosion¹! You know another thing nobody talks about? Aquaman's priapism during Cullen Bunn's run of that loser! How does an artist not consciously incorporate a raging boner into a character's new look? It had to have been on purpose, right?! At least I already hated Aquaman when Cullen Bunn began writing him so that I wasn't disappointed at all. I was just all, "Hmm. This isn't Aquaman. Seems more like Cullen Bunn pulled an old John Carter of Mars script out of a drawer and replaced 'John Carter' with 'Aquaman'."

But enough about Cullen Bunn! Unless you want to see how much he hated me. Do you want to see how much he hated me? It makes me sad to think about it because I was having so much fun writing stupidly angry comic book reviews and he was all, "This hurts my feelings!" I probably owe him a beer or something. Maybe a Snickers.

Is that a still from Boondock Saints? Because it would make sense that Cullen Bunn would like the shittiest movie ever made!

I don't know who asked that question on Bunn's tumblr because I maintained a policy to never interfere with artists and writers online while doing my reviews, especially if I disliked their stuff. Sure, I'd talk with various writers who would reach out to me with comments, like Gail Simone and Sterling Gates. Or if they were generally disturbed by something I wrote and I noticed, I would sometimes reach out and apologize, like when Marcus To found a post where I savaged a cover he drew. But I pointed out to him that, at the end of the review, I was all, "I generally really loved this art! There's obviously something seriously wrong with me!"

This issue begins with Lobo getting his hair did for his new bounty hunter reality series for Space HBO.

Is this how haircuts work? I haven't had one in six years and I've forgotten.

On one hand, I think they missed a trick by not having one of Lobo's hairstyles be the Twat Lobo style. But on the other, much better hand, I'm glad they didn't remind me a second time of Twat Lobo, especially since I've already made myself sick to my stomach by re-reading some of my old reviews of that series. Can you get cancer from reading about terrible comic book characters? I'm so scared.

Lobo really seems to like the pompadour upsweep thing in the fifth panel but judging by the back of his head on the cover, he's going to get the "Dragonball Z".

Glancing at the cover again to take in some more of that Lobo ass-crack, I noticed that the title on the television screen (that I'm assuming, possibly incorrectly, is the name of the reality show) ends in a period. That's so uncommon that I can't think of one television show that ends in a period that wasn't an acronym like S.W.A.T. or Trapper John, M.D.. Exclamation points like in Just Shoot Me! and question marks as in Wiseguy? are just fine. But a period?! Come on!

On the second page, getting right into the thick of things as Lobo makes his first appearance in costume with "All New Lobo" in the background (possibly the actual name of his show and "The Last Czarnian." was a 60 Minutes story? Did those use periods?!).

Just like a television producer to remove everything great about a concept to put their own shit spin on it.

Lobo would rather wear his leather, jeans, and chains but a focus group suggested a superhero costume might work better. I don't understand why focus groups exist. I've come to the conclusion that anybody who would be willing to take part in a focus group doesn't know shit about anything. I guess the entire point is to get enough random opinions so that everything becomes sanitized and shoved into some median opinion that doesn't actually exist. If a few people say they love to see people die on camera, and a few people say they hate to see people die on camera, do you decide to just cripple people on camera which is something nobody said they liked? I think maybe I just don't understand focus groups. The only focus groups I've ever seen were either fictional like in Silicon Valley (was that one? I don't know!) or fucked up like in Impractical Jokers (again, are those focus groups?).²

A lot going on in the first panel of Lobo's new reality gig!

First, Slixton Blind is probably some kind of joke about the names of British towns. Or a sex joke I'm missing because, well, you know what? Never mind why I don't get sex. I mean sex jokes! Second, "brutanium" is meant to invoke the stupidity of adamantium or inertron or unbreakablygen. Third, how can a galaxy be "southeastern"? Fourth, the Main Man makes a timely '80s "I ain't gay, bro" joke. Fifth, Dawg has ripped his cape to shreds like any good animal put in stupid fucking clothes. Sixth, "Space Crime Alley" is a shot at Batman and his dead parents. Seventh, the glory hole³ has a tongue. Eighth, on this planet, gum is adult oriented. Ninth, I think that's Orko in the lower left corner. Tenth and final comment, I don't know if the purple mohawked kid with the katana on their back is a reference to something because I haven't consumed all pop culture there is to consume.

We discover, in the next panel, that Lobo's quarry's name is Brummer Jip which I'm sure is at least three slurs in one name: Gyp, Jap, and Bummer (as in a man who has butt sex with another man). Maybe "Brummer" is also a slur for somebody from Birmingham. One thing I do know: it was all intentional! Fucking Skottie Young! You naughty boy!

The president of Space HBO soon learns that Lobo ain't too good at following scripts and directions. So he blows the factory to shit when he's supposed to knock and declare his bounty hunter intentions. So they retake the shot after Lobo picks up the door from the rubble and knocks on it. But then he adds too many violent threats to the warrant and they have to take the shot again⁴. On the next take, he uses the name of the wrong advertiser so he's forced to go again. But one thing everybody knows about Lobo aside from how thick his luscious cock⁵ is is his lack of patience.

With an offensive name like Brummer Jip, I'm glad they're dead!

On Lobo's second bounty, we learn that Space HBO doesn't have an actual limit in the number of times a character can say "frag" or "fucker" or "cocksucker" or "glory hole". The studio just wants to limit Lobo's use of the word because he's supposed to be an "antihero" and not just a villainous swearmonger like he was in Omega Men or Justice League International.

It seems like Lobo's show is going out live but the director keeps yelling "Cut!" when Lobo does something he doesn't like. Maybe that's all part of the fun of the show! It's the reality of making a reality television show. It gets so graphic that even Atrocitus vomits blood⁶ while watching it.

A few more focus groups later and Space HBO has determined that what the audience really wants (more so than Lobo shoving blenders up bounties' assholes) is for Lobo the anti-hero to go after an actual hero!

Oh shit. He's going after me!⁷

No, no. He's going after Aquaman. Specifically, Cullen Bunn's John Carter of Mars Aquaman. You can tell because Lobo acts as confused as I was reading Bunn's Aquaman. You could tell I was confused because I kept saying things like, "What's this funky fish sunnofova carp doing all the way out in space?"

Um, it's also possible, being that I haven't been reading DC Comics in many years, that Aquaman now lives in space. Why? Who the fuck knows why? I still don't know why Bunn thought he'd be good out there!

Aquaman laughs in Lobo's face when he realizes Lobo's the star of a new Space HBO show called The Main Man. I'm beginning to get the feeling that Skottie Young got the okay from corporate to kill Aquaman. Or at least to have one of his hands⁸ cut off again. No way he's going to get away with laughing at The Main Man in his own comic book!

Luckily for Aquaman, Lobo's show gets cancelled mid-fight. Sure, I know Lobo's chest had been pierced by Aquaman's trident and Lobo was missing a leg. But that's all foreplay for Lobo! Aquaman was just several seconds away from being in a position where he could give himself a rimjob.

Back at Space HBO studios, Lobo learns a lesson about studios and their execs and how they'd seemingly rather fail than succeed because, somehow, it makes them more money. He throws the guy out the window, threatens the rest of the studio if they don't pay him what they promised, and walks out of the studio naked. I'd scan naked Lobo but, in all earnestness, I just don't want anybody else to drool over him. Go buy your own copy if you want to flick your Bic over my Main Man.

The Ranking!
Is this the best comic book to hit shelves in nearly thirty years? Um, yes? Duh!


__________________________________________________________________________________
¹ Or something. Fuck if I know what happened. Do you think I read whatever comic book that was in?!
² The Merriam-Webster definition of focus group: "a small group of people whose response to something (such as a new product or a politician's image) is studied to determine the response that can be expected from a larger population." How do people still buy into this shit? Why can't people be content for things to fail or succeed in the rigors of actual life? We hardly ever get anything surprising thanks to these Goddamned focus groups!
³ The term "glory hole" will get this review put behind a warning label on Blogger until I can request a human to review it. Then they'll hesitantly take a look at it knowing the phrase "glory hole" was used, click over, breathe a sigh of relief, and reply to me, "Okay, nerd, this is cool. I guess."
⁴ Also he says "Frag" too many times. I guess "frag" is space swearing and Space HBO isn't quite like Earth HBO. Unless, since this is the reality TV division, this guy is head of Space Discovery.
⁵ The focus group is suggesting I don't reference Lobo's cock, especially with the earlier use of "glory hole". I had to fire them. Into the sun.
⁶ I think that means he loves the graphic violence because doesn't he love to vomit blood on stuff?
⁷ Me! Grunion Guy! Beloved funky-shit-filled-ass hero! Son of a tuna! Sometimes in spa. . . oh wait. He said "son of a carp". Whew. I'm going to be okay!
⁸ On my first run at this thought, I typed "nads" instead of "hands".

Lobo #1 (March 2026)

I got the special edition which comes with lotion, a box of tissues, and a change of underpants.

Lobo #1 (March 2026)
By Skottie Young, Jorge Corona, Jean Francois Beaulieu, and Nate Piekos
Cover by KyuYong Eom
Edited by James Reid, Kathleen Wisneski and Paul Kaminski

• I excitedly walked down to my local comic book shop to pick up Lobo #1 and then sadly looked at the shelves empty of Lobo #1s for what seemed the saddest eternity. So I went up to the owner who shall remain anonymous¹ and said, "I was looking for Lobo #1 because Lobo's about the only thing that could get me back into buying new comics!" And then she kicked me in the balls, tackled me to the ground, and yanked my arm up behind my back and growled, "Say you like big dicks, nerd. Say it! Say, 'I like big dicks!'" So between my sobs when I could catch my breath, I cried, "I like big dicks! I can't get enough of them! Mmm, mmm!" And she was all, "Yeah, I though so. I like them too." And then she helped me up, dusted me off, and we high-fived over big dicks. But, sadly, she then said, "Our DC shipment was delayed." Diplomatically, I did not say, "That's why I stopped buying comics here back in 2020! Because you never got your DC shipments!" And while, intellectually, I know, at the time, that was Diamond's problem which led to Diamond losing their stranglehold on the comic book distribution market, I still felt like maybe it's not totally the distributor's fault if this is still happening six years later? And at such a crucial time as the day the first issue of the new Lobo series shipped?!

• So later I went to Cosmic Monkey Comics and they had fifteen thousand copies of every Lobo variant on the shelves next to fifteen thousand copies of every other new comic that came out that day and also they didn't tackle me to the ground or force me to declare my love of big dicks. On the other hand, the clerk seemed to want to get rid of me as soon as possible and while normally I would attribute that to my terrible social skills, it's possible that she was just rude. Also it might have been the "I like big dicks" written in Sharpie across my forehead by Debbie. I mean the owner of that unnamed comic book store.

• Peter never treated me so roughly when he ran the store! He would always gently take my hand and wink and say, "Man, I bet you like big dicks, don't you?" And then I'd blush and I'd giggle and I'd say, "PETER!" Then he'd give me my 25% discount which I thought was for having a subscription box but it might also have been because I liked big dicks. Who can say?

• Anyway, look at this! Lobo's back! I mean, yeah, I know he's been around this whole time. But he's back with a monthly series that doesn't star a fake Lobo written by a guy who hates DC characters! I hope Alan Grant is rolling over in his grave! I mean in a happy way because he's gotten a huge boner and he's trying to get more comfortable. If Val Semeiks were dead, he'd probably have a big angel boner too. But he's alive so his boner is pure flesh and blood like mine. And he must have one because he once said, about drawing Alan Grant's Lobo, that it was "about as much fun as anyone can have drawing comics." I stole that from his Wikipedia which I went to to find out if he was still alive.

• Speaking of Val Semeiks, I should constantly praise him to the ends of the Earth because while he was having as much fun as anybody could have drawing comics, I was having the best time of my comic book reading life because of his work on Lobo and The Demon. I can't thank him and Alan Grant enough. I should also throw Keith Giffen's name into the ring while I'm at it because, well, Lobo but also Ambush Bug. And his and DeMatteis's Justice League was the League I grew up on. Thankfully! Can you imagine if you grew up on the League before that and were nostalgic about Aquaman, Gypsy, Vibe, and Commander Steel?! How embarrassing for you!

• Am I stalling? I'm so excited but I'm also scared! I'm basically an old man now. Can my heart handle this much Lobo?!

There he is! There's my sweet, sweet boy! Singing about shoving a gun up somebody's hoo-ha²!

• Lobo begins his adventure by parking his space hawg in a No Parking zone at a space dive bar. An alien parking attendant³ points out that Lobo's breaking a rule. Lobo points out that the guy should go get medical help before he dies after he rips his arm off.

• Often, Lobo avoids killing people if he's not being paid to kill them. Not because he's "honorable" but because he doesn't like providing free labor. But ripping off some guy's arm isn't killing them. Just ask Batman! If the guy doesn't seek adequate medical attention before he bleeds out, that isn't Lobo or Batman's fault, is it?! It's the carelessness of the person who carelessly lost their arm without taken precautions against dying from severe blood loss.

• Also the guy called Lobo "a rejected wannabe Kiss member" and if there's a better reason for ripping off an arm than that, I can't think of one. Unless it's telling somebody they're a Bon Jovi fan. But that should result in the loss of two arms so technically I was right in my first sentence where I said "a better reason for ripping off AN arm."

Ha ha! Lobo's so funny and clever and hot and sexy and, um, good thing this issue came with these extra underpants!

• I'm only on page three and I've already had to use the free underpants. I'd better got get some more before I continue.

• While having a drink at the bar before he murders whomever he's been hired to murder, Lobo accidentally learns a little something about himself.

So is Lobo "Murder Mouth"? Are they watching a bootleg movie about Lobo's Paramilitary Christmas Special?

• Judging by the film, Murder Mouth is more Wolverine than Lobo. But also, is there really much difference? Except that Wolverine isn't hot and sexy or funny or charming or tall or interesting in any way at all? And Fisty Claus is some kind of robot Steve Urkel with guns.

• And then I come to a part of the comic where, well . . . I don't want to say I cursed God and threw my comic book against the wall. I also don't want to say I went for a long walk in the rain while kicking rocks and sad Charlie Brown music played. I don't want to say any of that because I don't want anybody to know that that's what I did after Lobo called his readers, "mindless guppies". The readers who made Lobo the #1 all-time greatest comic book character to ever exist! The readers who couldn't get it up for regular sex anymore once they saw his physique and charming smile and his way with the sex workers without having to picture Lobo naked and aroused. The readers who spent most of their youth punching random nerds because it's what the 'Bo would do! I mean, I wasn't one of those readers! Oh, I also wasn't one of the ones who couldn't get a boner from regular sex either (unless you count "coming in your pants and then not having a boner anymore when the pants were off and it was time to actually do it" We're not counting that, right? Whew!).

• I don't know why Skottie Young would put those words in the Main Man's mouth and try to hurt his fans. Especially the "me" part Lobo's fans! But then a purple pig-faced orc says what all the awesome, cool, smart, sexy Lobo fans were already thinking which is why they didn't curse God or go for a sad walk or search "how to make a noose" on YouTube.

That's right, Grimlak the Pustulent! Exactly what I was going to say!

• When Lobo calls his readers the '80s F-word (that's not a literal reading of what he said; it's a postmodern critique!), he's reacting to the bartender's definition of an anti-hero which is "a villain that kills and frags and various other nefarious stuff, but they make jokes while they're doing it. Then they shoehorn in some kinda honorable reason for why they're doing said nefarious stuff." And that right there rules out Lobo anyway! Because he never gets a reason shoehorned in for doing his nefarious stuff! That definition of anti-hero should have been saved for Deathstork #1⁴. That ladyfingers always needs an honorable reason for murdering and pedophiling! But not Lobo! Unless you call "fixing a typo" honorable?

• As Lobo beats up all the mindless guppies who liked Rorschach for all the wrong, dumb reasons and not all the smart, postmodern reasons, he tells his secret origin story. From the first mini-series to The New 52 and beyond. I guess that's part of the whole "All-in" thing? Everything that happened, happened? No more Post Zero Hour Continuity? No more Rebirth? No more Superboy punch? No more Doctor Manhattan, um, doing, um, what was he doing again?

Oh, come on, you metro twat! Explain yourself!

• I still like to believe that New 52 Twat Lobo was just one of Lobo's drops of blood that fell into a vat of mineral water as it sprouted into a clone. That's a pop culture reference to Heathers because I'm a mindless guppy!

• Lobo also describes a brief love affair that's pretty much the one part of his story I didn't read because even though I was going to read DC's Mike Tyson's Punch-Out, I wound up not doing it. Probably because Debbie kicked me in the balls and made me admit that I wanted to be pegged when I went in to buy it.

He's just like me! I also get a crush on every woman I see in their underwear!

• The guy Lobo tells his life story to winds up being his bounty. But before he can say something witty and pop cultury like "Smell ya later!", his dawg barges in and interrupts his bounty hunting.

So what I'm hearing, Lobo, is that I can hire you to kill everybody who ever said that Boondock Saints was their favorite movie? For free?!

• I wonder how many times Jason Momoa, while in his Lobo make-up on the set of Supergirl, did the Pennywise dance?

• Now's the part where we find out why Lobo has a new series! What's changed in his life that's made it so he can have monthly adventures full of over-the-top violence and pop culture references? Full of space dolphins and space hawgs and space clown make-up? I hope he doesn't get roped into doing honorable things like that part of his life he forgot to mention where he was forced to do goody-two-shoes shit for Vril Dox. I guess if I were beaten in a one-on-one physical contest against Space Bill Gates, I wouldn't tell people about it either. Just like how I never told anybody about that time I went camping with my friend Soy Rakelson and woke up with Vaseline on my ass.

• Lobo makes a reference to Guardians of the Galaxy and I almost missed it because Lobo mentioned trash pandas and I — against every fiber of my being, every particle of my non-existent soul — squeeeeed.

• Just try to remember how most of what I say happened to me is a lie so that you won't embarrass yourself when you spread the gossip that I squeeeeed like I grew up on tumblr or cried every afternoon in college while watching Sailor Moon or, one or more times, masturbated into a sink. I say those things for comic effect! If you believe I was sobbing when I first heard "Rainy Day Man", you're certifiable! I'm super cool and tough and macho in real life. But that doesn't make for interesting or entertaining reading! It only makes for banging loads and loads of hot ladies! So if you need to spread rumors about me, spread that one! How I banged loads of hot ladies!

• Lobo goes after the bounty he's owed for the kill he didn't commit and learns that he's now an employee of HBO MAX.

• Why does it smell so bad behind my left ear but not my right ear? Do spiders shit behind people's ears? Can ears fart? Did I accidentally fling some shit up behind my ear while wiping my ass earlier?

• Whoops! Wrong window. I'd better close my journal and write in it later so that doesn't happen again. I'm just glad I wasn't talking about how wide my urethra is! Now that would have been embarrassing!

• As Lobo's finding out that Space HBO MAX wants him to star in an anti-hero reality show, he decides to have a double splash page where he pretends his hook on a chain is his dick and he's fucking the guys he's about to kill.

Simon Bisley would have hid like fifteen dicks in this art. I only count three in Jorge's.

• After Lobo kills all the security guards, the president of Space HBO MAX⁵ offers Lobo a deal to star in the biggest bounty hunting reality show since that one where that guy did bounty hunting but which I never saw. His name was Mongoose or Polar Bear or something.

• Wait. It was Dog? Just plain old Dog? Was it at least spelled cool? Or did he need it to read as "god" backwards? You know what? Never mind. I don't care. I've avoided knowing about that guy for five decades. I'll be fine never knowing about him at all.

The Ranking!
Best comic of 2026? Sure! By a mile! By five miles! By however many miles your weensy brain can imagine! Twelve, probably. If a better comic than this has been published in 2026, I'd probably have heard about it. I mean I've had heard about it and not told you to go fuck yourself because Lobo #1 was better. And since that didn't happen, quid pro ipso facto, this is the best comic book of 2026! Suck it!


__________________________________________________________________________________
¹ I wouldn't want to embarrass Debbie or Excalibur Comics, would I?
² Okay, maybe I'm misinterpreting the term "jammie" here. He's probably just talking about loading a gun and not doing the most misogynist thing he can think of immediately on the first page of his new series.
³ Or some other kind of hall monitor nerd. Maybe he just loves rules and hates seeing cool people break them. Loser.
⁴ Which I'll be reviewing next!
⁵ As big a douche as the president of Earth HBO MAX.

The Flash #9

Why is The Flash using Barry Allen's lunchbox?

The singer of "Last Christmas" dying on Christmas and now the star of A New Hope dying isn't being very subtle, 2016. We get it. The world is ending next year. Nobody can wait for this year to be over but I think 2016 is just the John the Baptist to 2017's Jesus Christ. I could go on to explain what I mean by that but, not being Christ-like, I don't explain my analogies and metaphors. Mostly because I assume people are smarter than the twelve idiots Jesus chose to pal around with on his Final Tour. Although having just skimmed Revelations (seeing as how it's practically unreadable, especially when you don't really give a shit about reading it), it feels like The Bible was written by a not too confident auteur who wants to make sure that the audience is getting every bit of their genius, so they explain every single image, analogy, and metaphor. "So, like, the world will be ravaged by locusts. But these locusts are wearing helmets and breastplates and carrying spears, if you get what I'm saying! Wink, wink! They aren't really locusts at all! It's an army!"

The rash of celebrity deaths almost seems like a purposeful smokescreen to distract everybody from the political nightmare that has taken place this year! I'm wondering if David Bowie's death was the canary in the coalmine that we all just ignored. He was too sensitive for the toxic atmosphere of 2016.

On a side note, did anybody else find some of the headlines of George Michael's death particularly insensitive? Who thinks starting an article with WHAM! is appropriate? "WHAM! Singer dead at 53! In your face!" It just seems...oh wait. I just got it. Never mind.

This issue takes place on Halloween. Has it been that long since I've read a Flash comic book? Sheesh!

Iris gets flowers every week without a note and denies she has a secret admirer? Worst investigative reporter ever!

The Keystone Bridge is falling down so Iris has to go look at it and write, "The bridge was fine! Nothing happened at all!" Wally and Barry also make excuses to leave Iris's office so they can go play superhero. While Flash is teaching Kid Flash the best way to save the day, he says, "We could spend all our time getting people off the bridge or we can rebuild the bridge!" Then he begins to rebuild the bridge. Um. Just because he's fast doesn't mean he can rebuild a fucking bridge! I suppose he rushes off to learn how, get the supplies, send Iris some more flowers for next week, and then rebuild the whole thing himself as it's falling into the water? Oh yeah! That sounds plausible!

I should probably either stop complaining about The Flash comic book being implausible or just stop reading it altogether. Oh hey! That's a good idea! This book is off my fucking pull list! Although I still have a few issues left in the stack.

The other Wally West shows up to help because this story is called "Kid Flash of Two Worlds!" I wasn't sure if I was going to like it or not but then the title ended in an exclamation point and I found myself thinking, "This story sounds exciting!"

When Wally and Wally shake hands, Barry Allen has a mental breakdown and begins channeling The Comedian. He flips the fuck out and begins insulting the two Kid Flashes. He also reveals that Daniel West is actually Wally's father so that clears up the mess about needing a mysterious third West child who didn't exist. Not that anybody was still worrying about that since there's so much more to worry about like "Why the fuck do we need two Wally Wests?!"

Wally West points out how when he touched The Flash, it hurt him. But, he theorizes, what if both Wallies touch him at the same time?! Logically, that should...well, it should hurt them both. But instead it works! Barry stops flipping the fuck out! The day is saved! But the issue isn't over yet because I guess that wasn't the main conflict. It seems Second Wally finding out Daniel West is his father is the main conflict. Second Wally runs off crying because everybody has been lying to him his whole life. He decides to go meet his friend Chunk at a Halloween Party. Yes, Chunk is fat. How did you guess?

Chunk is a real nerd, you motherfucking poseurs.

First Wally is the guy saying "Wally?" It seems First Wally and Second Wally instinctively know that they're each a Kid Flash. Although Second Wally doesn't know First Wally is also named Wally. He just knows the dopey looking guy with the red hair in the over-sized green sweater must be the dopey looking guy with the red hair in the second rate Flash costume from earlier in the day.

First Wally teaches Second Wally about self-esteem or something. Who cares? If you need to be taught that you should love yourself, maybe you aren't really worth loving? You ever think of that?! I love myself because I'm entertaining and sexy. But I imagine I wouldn't love myself at all if I were a boring jerk! People would probably tell me, "Oh no! You must love yourself before others can love you! I mean, other people love you know matter what or something!" And I'd be all, "Liar! I suck!" That's probably how most of you feel, right?

Later, First Wally and Barry discuss the flowers that First Wally has been sending to Iris. I guess he wants to fuck his aunt. Weirdo. At the end of their talk, Barry mentions that he saw a winged metal cap in a vision when he was flipping the fuck out earlier. He said it filled him with hope and/or reminded him of the shitty New 52 Earth Two comic book. Unless the second half of that was just me.

The Ranking!
No change. I think this issue was only written to clear up Second Wally's parentage. Maybe it was a little bit about starting the whole Flash Family concept which people seem to like for some reason. I prefer my heroes to be loners with pets.

We Are Robin #12

This comic book needs something to make it interesting but I haven't given it enough thought to know what. Probably sex.

The Review!
This is the last issue of the series and, of course, it's probably the best and most interesting. Why is that? Why can't comic book writers figure out what makes a final issue where they wrap everything up so much better than the issues where they're trying to build the world? I think it's that whole 'in media res' thing! This should have been Issue #1! I bet most comic book fans would read this as Issue #1 and hate it because people like to have their hands held and bottoms powdered as their full of shit opinions diapers are changed when they are being entertained. I suppose some changes would have to be made to this issue if it were the first one but not a lot. I mean, this one works due to the call backs to previous issues the Robins have had in their struggle. But even call backs to previous history can work when the reader isn't privy to that history. If only writers would write to the intelligent and the curious instead of making sure everything is understandable to every dull-witted, slack-jawed moron who might pick up a comic book, maybe first issues would be far more interesting far more often.

The Commentary!
Most of the New 52 comic books left in my stack are mediocre books that I'm not super interested in reading. I've kept a few in the mix that I'm looking forward to, books such as Legends of Tomorrow and whatever that Dark Knight one was that came out a couple of weeks ago. But mostly it's just boring crap. And I don't mean that the stack only got boring after I finally read Sinestro #23! The stack was super boring when that one was still in it! Here's what I've got left and how I feel about it:

Cyborg: I hope I don't fall asleep while reading about how dull Victor is.
Martian Manhunter: I hope I don't fall asleep while reading about how dull J'onn is.
Doctor Fate: I hope I don't shoot myself in the face so that I don't have to read about how dull Doctor Fate is.
Lumberjanes Loves Gotham Academy: Okay. I'm looking forward to this one! I can't wait to see why Kyle needed to bring his tennis racket to the woods!
Constantine: I forgot this was still in the stack. This is a decent reprieve from the shit I know is coming up after it.
Earth 2 Society: Oh! I hope they make Earth Too a better place! I'm so invested!
Black Canary: This comic book lost me when it went from Indie music scene to time travel sci-fi alien space opera. I know that sounds exciting but I guess Fletcher did it wrong.
Legends of Tomorrow: Sugar & Spike are my favorites.
Swamp Thing: This is like reading the old comic books I've been reading so I'll probably get confused about what year it is and have nightmares about picking a topic for my senior thesis.
New Suicide Squad: Oh! I forgot I finally like the Suicide Squad thanks to Tim Seeley. Maybe I should put this one on top of the stack!
Dark Knight Returns: The Last Crusade: I have no idea what this is. Batman or something.
Robin, Son of Batman: I really liked this before Fawkes took over. Now I just sort of kind of like it somewhat.
Teen Titans: This was pushed back because the New 52 Titans are horrible. But Bedard made them fun and interesting last month, so I won't be disappointed when I get to this.
Poison Ivy: Dull. So dull. Dullsville, man!
Gang of Harleys: I've had my fill of Harley. I've reached my Harley threshold.
Bitch Planet: I can't wait to read the back cover! Always so good!
Legend of Wonder Woman: This is a good Wonder Woman story with fantastic art but it still doesn't feel like a real comic book. I guess I have a bias against Digital First stories.
Bombshells: Speaking of digital first comics! The amount of Bombshells books I have just keeps growing and growing. For the reason why, see "Wonder Woman, Legend of".
Harley Quinn: Ugh. Even more Harley Quinn! Ugh! UGH!

So that's basically it. I didn't mention the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Daredevil because I'm mentioning them here instead for no reason.

Now that I've basically reached my target word count, I don't have to worry about saying anything about We Are Robin which I also find dull! I'm such a lazy cheater!

Although since I don't really have a word count and just write as much as comes to me as I read, I've really just written more than I had to.

You know what the death knell of interest is on the internet? "I've written more than I had to." People only want to read as little as they can get away with. You know what else is a good way to be irrelevant on the internet? Yeah, I don't know either or else I'd switch things up to stop being that!

Does anybody remember when I used to sprinkle sketches throughout my reviews? I wonder why I stopped doing that? I bet it has something to do with something I don't understand! Like my brain.

Here's a picture of Damian as a Robin that I drew in ten seconds. It isn't funny at all but it's thematic.

Cisco, also known as Redbird16 to people in his We Are Robin Group Chat, has recently learned that his father is terrible at business. Wayne Enterprises keeps bidding more reasonable bids to help rebuild Gotham in areas that can't afford bids that won't put other construction companies out of business. I mean, the other companies are going out of business even faster because Wayne Enterprises is taking all of their business. But it's not like they'd get the business with profitable bids anyway because most people in Gotham are poor due to Wayne Enterprises hogging all of the money. Could Batman fix Gotham simply by flying over the city and making it rain hundred dollar bills instead of what he usually does where he covers Gotham in a fine mist of his piss and blood? I know he only does that to save the day but it's still gross.

Because Cisco doesn't like seeing his father cry all of the time, he decides to take down Wayne Enterprises for the Greater Good. I guess Cisco's definition of the Greater Good is rationalizing his actions to seem to be helping the city while actually just trying to get his dad to stop being a baby. What kind of a grown man cries?! I mean because he's having business trouble. I don't mean like when a kitten is dying or he's watching The Bridges of Madison County.

I'm surprised there's still a thing as juvenile detention. If the scared morons of this country had their way, everybody would be tried as an adult. Let's just ruin all of the lives with our terrible policy of treating people who have made mistakes as irredeemably evil pieces of shit and then continue to pray to Jesus because we have no idea what that whole "cast the first stone" business was about anyway.

Isn't it odd the way Christians will believe that Jesus changed everything about the Old Testament when it comes to their own selfish salvation and how he died for their sins and they can be forgiven and redeemed for anything they've done (up to and including murder) as long as they accept Jesus as their lord and savior. And yet when they get the chance to condemn people to Hell for their sexuality without any chance of forgiveness, redemption, or salvation, they ignore Jesus's promise of redemption and label them as unforgivable abominations. Jesus wasn't making a point about how we're all sinners and who are we to judge because only god judges with that cast the first stone thing. That was an anti-death penalty argument for exactly the reason that sinners are allowed to redeem themselves and be forgiven. When you kill somebody, you take away their chance at redemption. And since everybody, according to Christianity, is a big dumb sinner until they accept Jesus, killing somebody takes away their chance to accept Jesus.

Don't fucking get me wrong and read that last paragraph as if I think queerness of any kind is a sin that needs to be redeemed, you want to be offended asshats. I'm just working through the logic through their own supposed system of logic and morality. I'm an atheist. And by atheist, I mean "somebody who knows The Bible better than most Christians who also isn't a judgmental bastard (unless I'm judging Christians and Muslims and Jews who treat the religion as religious as opposed to a cultural affectation and anybody else that puts an afterlife before this life (I mean, you can be those things and I don't fucking care. But don't expect people who aren't those things to follow your stupid fucking rules. As soon as you become that kind of religious person, I put on my black robes)).

Cisco doesn't want to have anything to do with illegal activity so he begins to walk. But then this guy Iggy who wears trucker caps non-ironically pipes up about how he's got a plan to rip off Bruce Wayne. Cisco's eyes light up and he's all, "That's the guy that made my old man cry!" That makes all the criminals uncomfortable and they look down into their Chinese food and begin shuffling their shoes and Iggy clears his throat and says, "That mean you're in, kid?" And Cisco is in because this issue began with him robbing Wayne's place.

Why this close-up of Riko's dildo? Will it be important later?!

Cisco drops a message to Shug about how he's breaking the law for all the right reasons. Those reasons are sticking it to that jerk Bruce Wayne for making his daddy cry! But he's not going to tell anybody else that after he saw how uncomfortable it made his new friends, the criminal gang. Shug is still working out but has she gotten into condition to actually take on more of an active role as a Robin? I hope so! Unless it means she's going to die!

Duke answers Shug's plea to the Robins with "what's ^." No question mark? And I'd argue it's quicker to type "up" than a carrot! That "6" key is in the worst position on the non-computer keys part of the keyboard! Although he's typing on a phone so I guess that's different. But he still has to change the keyboard he's using to get to the carrot! Just hit the u and the p, you poseur!

Shug does go out into the field this time and Dre is all, "Hey! You ain't fat! You look good!" She looked good before she started working out, Dre! Mostly because "comic book fat" is still really sexy and never unattractive. I'm not even sure "unattractive" exists in comic books unless the writer and artist are making a point about how evil a person is.

Cisco big score falls apart when his criminal gang find a "Nice try!" note in Bruce's safe and then Alfred walks in on them and asks if any of them would like some Justice Tea.

The Robins swing across to the Wayne building and none of them fall to their deaths because I guess they've all been working on their grip strength. And then the big fight begins! Action! More action! Some other action that's different than the first and second action! Throughout it all, Alfred manages to keep his hand covered so continuity nerds don't get all pissy about when this story takes place. Not that they aren't already pissy over when this story takes place. I think continuity nerds just read comics to find errors in continuity. It's their jam!

The issue ends with the Robins all jumping to their death because they don't have any experience at all with base-jumping and Alfred didn't give them any pointers on how to do it. Although Shug is smart enough to not strap a parachute to her back and jump to her death trying to stop a two-bit criminal. It's a bit ironic because the Narration calls back the whole bit about "the problem with youth is the inability to accept your own mortality" bit from Issue #1. I guess people are right because a bunch of Robins just splattered themselves across the streets of Gotham. Presumably! I mean, the series does end here! I think that's evidence that they all died. They just winked out of existence and their story ended. What a great ending!

We Are Robin #11

I glanced at this cover quickly before sticking it in the scanner and didn't see the John Romita Jr. Variant Cover badge on it. But I was going to say the poses are horrible enough to be a John Romita Jr. cover. And then I saw that it was indeed a cover by John Romita Jr. That wasn't the best anecdote I've ever told.

The Review or Whatever!
I don't really care about this comic book so this will be a quick review that barely says anything at all about the book. As opposed to my lengthy reviews that barely say anything at all about the book. Although if it gives me stuff to talk about on every page, what am I going to do? Not fill up the Internet with my opinions?! That would be irresponsible! Like on this first page! The reader finds out that Dax is the son of Joe Chill! What the fuck?! Y'all couldn't let us know this eleven issues ago?! You know how many people never made it to this revelation because this book was so tepid?! Now who's being irresponsible, Mr. Bermejo?!

I wish comic books had more faith in keeping an audience by revelation rather than keeping an audience by teasing. Here's the thing! If you end a comic book with a character going "It's you!" while never revealing who the "you" is, I'm going to assume that the revelation isn't going to be as awesome as you want people to think it is. You're trying to lure them into buying the next issue to discover the person's identity. But how about this suggestion? Reveal the fucker and get the reader to go, "Holy shit! Not that person! Things are going to get crazy next issue! I have to buy it!" I guess a lot of comic books do that too! But why wait until the last page for the reveal? Thrill me four or five times every issue! Don't just tease the one big surprise at the end of the book! That's wasting nineteen pages on manufactured suspense! And yes, I realize that any work of fiction is manufactured. But since it's fiction and it's manufactured, how about assembling more surprises quicker?! Jerks!

I don't want anybody to think that complaint was directed at We Are Robin #11. This shit just revealed Dax's last name is Chill on the first page!

I've already written way more than I was going to write about this comic book. I guess it's pulled me in! It's also possible I'm not in a big hurry to read my next old New Titans comic book on the stack because it's an Annual. Here's a comic book rule of thumb: Annuals generally suck.

After the Joe Chill revelation, Bermejo spends a few pages calling gun owners cowards. Or was he calling promiscuous women sluts?

"I respect every woman who has ever let me have sex with them." That's something I hope to be able to say one day!

Smiley and the Jokers have taken over Riko's school and the rest of the Robins have been called in to help stop them. Meanwhile, Alfred watches everything on the Gotham News with a jar of lotion and a Batsock.

Oh! Here's the part where I run out of things to say and just summarize the rest of the book as quickly as possible! The Robins save the day and they fire Alfred! They're the future of Gotham and they'll be damned if some guy with experience is going to teach them anything! Fucking old people! How dare they try to help since all their help really amounts to is shaking their heads and saying things like, "Yeah. You're so passionate right now. You'll learn soon enough!"

P.S. I liked the art a lot.

We Are Robin #10

Rating: Currently I have this ranked in the "Worth reading if you're into the characters" category but I'm not sure it belongs there. How can one be into the characters if they're brand new? I guess you should know if you're into them or not by issue ten, right? But I still find this comic book a bit bland and a lot uninteresting. But I just can't drop it into the "Worst of DC" category because that's saying it's as poorly written as something by Scott Lobdell, Ann Nocenti, JT Krul, Howard Mackie, Tom DeFalco, or Cullen Bunn. And I just can't do that to Lee Bermejo. Yet! I have done it to Peter Tomasi but that's because he allowed himself to get wrapped up in the Superman "Truth" story arc. And nobody got out of being sprayed by feces from that mess.

P.S. I wrote all of the previous rating stuff before reading this issue. I really enjoyed this issue! Both the writing and the art!

• This comic book feels like it should be part of the Batman Beyond world. I think that's its major failing. This isn't a comic book that should be in the present continuity. It should take place in a future world where crime is rampant and out of control and a bunch of kids stumble upon the broken case containing Jason Todd's old uniform. They've grown up with legends of a young kid who used to fight at the side of the Bat and upon discovering the costume, are inspired to make their own costumes based on Todd's old outfit. Suddenly Robins spring up everywhere around Gotham. It would also make more sense for Alfred Pennyworth to be helping them at this point. Senile and heartbroken after Batman lost trust in him after the Endgame debacle, he's now nearly 100 years old when he begins seeing Robins all over the city. He's not sure if they're real or not but he begins to help them in any way he can, treating them like his own children. That makes this book better, right?

• This issue must have been reading over my shoulder about how a person can't really be into these characters since they're so new because it begins with Shug-R who I totally forgot I had a huge crush on. Well played, We Are Robin.

• This panel gave me a huge sugar rush. And by 'sugar rush', I mean 'boner'. And by 'huge', I mean 'average'.

• Shug-R is trying to lose weight. Oh, come on, Shug! Stop it. Don't lose weight just because comic book artists can't draw anything but hot women. Although if you're really uncomfortable with your weight and dropping a few pounds will mean I'll get to see you in more scenes than just sitting behind your laptop, I'm cool with it. Whatever you desire, hon! I've got your back!

• Mmm, Shug-R's back.

• Smiley's family life has been unsatisfactory. He was not a parent's wet dream. So now he's a clown.

• Riko and Izzy and Duke are all having horrible lives. I bet that drives them back into Robinning!

• Dre has been going out as Lone Wolf fighting crime. Dax has been building Grappling Guns and will probably be sued by Waynetech over the patent.

• This is DC. It would be weird if he didn't have Daddy Issues.

• The Robins tentatively begin reforming in order to stop Smiley and his clowns from terrorizing Gotham. I guess the Robin Laws are still in effect so they're trying to be cautious in their investigating. But they're all going to be wearing Red and Green and Yellow soon. Although they'd better hurry before Rebirth cancels this book.

• When Dre goes undercover with Smiley's Clowns, and Dax calls on everybody to help him out, and Duke and Riko get caught in school when Smiley's Jokers attack it...well, that's probably the beginning of the team back together. Now hopefully Shug-R will get out of the house and in on the action next issue.

Robin War #1

I was really surprised that the Robin War was beginning in Robin War.

Robin War #1 Rating: Look, it's only going to be around for two issues so I'm not adding it to the overall DC Comic Books Ranking chart! But it was good, okay? Probably really fucking good because Damian was in top form. And though I felt like I've had enough Court of Owls to last for a few more years, I still love the concept of them and I think this story is a great way to bring them back to the forefront. Especially because I think Kyle Higgins pulled off one of those things comic book writers rarely get to do: he added to the origin of a character that didn't retcon the character or change it in any fundamental way but added to his history and made him more interesting. It also tied Dick to Gotham in much the same way Bruce Wayne is tied to Gotham. Higgins made him Gotham Royalty too. And the Court of Owls history with Dick Grayson makes their part in this story more interesting still. The Robin War is simply the smokescreen to get their talons into their lost gray son.

Please enjoy and support my unabridged reviews of Robin War #1 and all the rest of DC’s comics over at Patreon! It would make a great Christmas present for your non-Christian friends!

We Are Robin #6

This is my favorite Robin.

I was away from reading comic books for a few days because my cousin flew into town to go see Alice Cooper with me. He was opening for Mötley Crüe so it wasn't the best Cooper show I've been to. The show could have been called Alice Cooper Plays All The Songs You're Completely Fucking Sick Of Because The Radio Won't Play 99% Of His Music. Alice also seems to think that catching cheap trinkets thrown at them is the reason fans pay hundreds of dollars to sit in the first few rows. He threw half of the shit on stage into the audience including his canes, his riding crops, Cooper money, and fake jewelry. He may have also thrown a bunch of hard candy and heart pills as well.

Here's his set-list (as far as I can remember):

No More Mr. Nice Guy
Under My Wheels
I'm Eighteen
Billion Dollar Babies
Poison
Dirty Diamonds
Feed My Frankenstein
Go To Hell
The Ballad of Dwight Fry
Killer (the processional and buzzing only)
I Love the Dead (the refrain, sung by the guitarist)
School's Out

Even though I'm not a huge fan of "Feed My Frankenstein," it was about that point in the concert when I really began to enjoy it because he began to do less throwing shit into the audience and more theatrics. It was probably as good a show as I could have expected for Alice opening up in front of a bunch of fans who were mostly there to see Mötley Crüe one final time. And boy do I hope it was one final time because one thing I didn't think to compliment Alice on during his show was how he knows how to keep in concert singing shape. Because holy fuck was Mötley Crüe awful thanks, for the most part, to Vince Neil.

Mötley Crüe began with "Girls, Girls, Girls" and Vince Neil made it through the majority of that song. But after he was done, I said to my cousin, "He's going to have to pull up a chair for the next one." He did not and it was a huge mistake on his part because, for the rest of the show, he never again caught his breath. He maybe sang 40% of the lyrics on any song, mumbled and made odd noises through 25%, and then simply held out the microphone for the audience to sing the rest while he dreamed about pizza. I imagine his thoughts were on pizza because he looked exactly like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle had made a wish to the Blue Fairy to become a real boy.

At one point, Vince introduced Nikki Sixx as the toughest person he knows. Sixx immediately came out and began, "I want to tell you a story that might bring a tear to your eye!" You know, I always expect tear-jerkers from the most bad-ass people! I wish I could have given Nicki some notes on his story though. He told a story about how his grandfather slaved away to give him everything he needed by driving his truck thirty-five miles to the gas station and then thirty-five miles home every night. First note? I would made that at least eighty miles. Thirty-five doesn't feel like a huge sacrifice. So, every night when his grandfather got home, he'd put his truck keys, some change, and a knife on the table. Nicki said, "One day, I knew I was going to have it." So he said the next night, he took it and got in trouble. Then the night after that. And the night after that. And every night for a week, he'd take it and get in trouble. Finally, his grandfather came home, put his keys on the table, followed by some change, and then a knife of Nikki's own. It was only then that I realized Nicki had been talking about the knife and not the truck. So then Nicki pulls out a huge fucking knife and says, "I've never been without a knife since that day!" The moral of his story to his forty and fifty year old fans in the audience? Keep doing the same thing over and over again until you get what you want! So what Nikki learned was to keep stealing other people's shit until they just get so goddamned fucking tired of you that they buy you your own shit. I hope he really inspired all of the old farts in the audience to keep pursuing their dreams!

Tommy Lee's drum kit rode some rails across the concert venue while it spun around. It took about eight minutes to make it to the end of the tracks at which point Tommy said, "This has been my lifelong dream to make this happen for you!" To which I responded to my cousin, "Are we going to have to wait for it to go back to the stage now?" Yes. Yes we did. The entire time Tommy Lee did a half-assed drum solo while spinning around. I just kept hoping, when the kit turned upside down, his dick would flop out of his pants and knock him unconscious. After getting back to the stage, Mick Mars did a guitar solo which proves that skeletons can play guitar just as well as people who still have flesh on their fingers. By the end of the show, I couldn't help thinking, "I wonder where Mick Mars stores his phylactery?"

Anyway, I should probably get back to the Robins before they're murdered by a bunch of Owls.

The Talon has made himself known because the Court of Owls sees potential in the Robins. But first they have to give up the Bat-code which explicitly states "Do not kill.*" Don't mind the asterisk! That only leads down a rabbit hole of footnotes and caveats and extenuating circumstances and special exceptions to the rule and court cases which set precedents in situations where "killing" was ruled an "accident." It's easier to just remember to constantly remind people that you don't kill so when a criminal winds up dead from your beating, you can play back all the tapes of you saying that you don't kill which should totally convince the authorities that the doctor you sent the criminal to was to blame.

One of the Robins (not Duke or Riko but the one whose name hasn't been used yet this issue so I can't remember it. The sister of the punk-ass motherfucker!) does not get knocked out by the Talon and she decides that maybe what the Talon is saying about killing is logical and reasonable. She picks up her dead brother's gun and turns it on the Talon. Thankfully Duke tells her to drop the gun. I mean, I don't care if she shoots the Talon or not. I'm just glad Duke used her name so that now I remember she's Izzy!

Before Izzy can shoot the Talon which would do nothing, a Gotham News helicopter flies down and hovers about twenty feet over the ground while filming the Robins battling the Talon. I wonder if the newscopter is crashing?! Why is it flying so low?! I think maybe it was just so it could fit in the panel without having to turn this scene into a David Finchian Double Splash Page. So maybe I shouldn't complain too much.

So is that the basic premise of the Robin War? To kill or not to kill? The Court of Owls on one side and Pervo Captain Pennyworth on the other? I'm not sure whose side I'm on yet.

Before Izzy ruins her Robin credentials by pulling the trigger, the police arrive to throw bullets all over the scene.

"Viewer Discretion is Advised." In other words, either stare reality in the face or deny the world and go back to your commercials-disguised-as-women-having-conversations.

Dre and Dax arrive just as Izzy fires her brother's uzi at the Talon. I'd say her shooting at the Talon at this point definitely fits into the asterisked miasma of conditions following the "Do not kill" rule because she just saw a bunch of cops shoot the Talon in the face for twenty seconds before the Talon began slaughtering them. So now she's simply being a hero and trying to distract the Talon so that he'll stop killing cops and maybe come after the Robins.

To protect the police, the Robins swarm the Owl. It's like a Nova special! Except in this case, the Owl is immortal and super strong. Or is that how owls are in all cases anyway? Those birds are fucking creepy.

The Talon defeats the Robins and is about to begin killing them (probably slowly and one at a time to give the other Robins a chance to join the Court of Owls) when Alfred Pennyworth arrives in an armored car fitted with anti-tank guns. Or anti-Talon guns? I don't actually know anything about military weapons aside from the ones used in Call of Duty games. And then most of those aren't real because all of the games seem to be set in the future now.

The Robins escape in the car with Alfred while the cops are left to figure out how to survive on their own. That seems fair. They don't really want the help of vigilantes anyway, right?

Alfred leaves the Robins with a single piece of advice to wear masks. Then he heads home with his mind full of new wank material. Fucking pervert.

We Are Robin #6 Rating: No change. One two three four let's start a Robin war! Five six seven eight Alfred's gonna masturbate! Nine ten eleven twelve! I guess I need to add dwarfs to my rhyme so I can use the word delve! I know stupid rhyming chants don't actually constitute a review of a comic book but it's not like I have a boss to answer to! Nobody can keep me on track! I'm a wild stallion! Except one that can't be broken unlike all of those other wild stallions that love to be broken and tamed because they never could find their own purpose in life. Besides, I'm going to read Robin War #1 next so this feels more like an intermission than an ending. So instead of discussing what I liked and disliked about this issue, I should be spending this time going to the restroom!

We Are Robin #5

Today's Robins are models of youth culture and fashion. Yesterday's Robins were pedophile bait.

The issue begins with a Talon cutting himself off from the people of the Gotham Underground. That's a good idea. Those people always remind me of Ann Nocenti and that always makes me feel sad. Not that I'm particularly excited to see The Court of Owls are behind the bombing and the death of Troy Walker but it's better than an army of underground homeless people. Hopefully Rat Catcher will still work for the Court of Owls because that's clever or something. Because owls are rat catchers! It is like a joke.

Here is a joke you can tell your friends: Why did the owl cross the road? And then you prepare a funny punch line about a rat.

Here is a quiz for you to play. It is called "Basketball or Gay Porn?"

If you guessed "What's the difference?", you are correct!

One of the Robins named Izzy (is she a Robin? I think she's a Robin) works as a waitress at a place that punk-assed motherfuckers like to frequent.

You can tell he is a punk-assed motherfucker because his entire personality and self-worth is wrapped up in a ridiculous image which is supposed to make him seem tough.

It is time for another quiz: "Am I A Punk-assed Motherfucker?" If earlier you thought to yourself, "That's 'punk-ass', you idiot," then congratulations! Although that's not really a good determiner. That was just me playing a joke on you! Ha ha! A really good way to determine if you are indeed a punk-assed motherfucker is to ask yourself, "Do I read Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea regularly?" If you do then congratulations! You are not a punk-assed motherfucker! You are a hyper intelligent being with the kind of genitals most appreciated by people who appreciate those kinds of genitals.

If you are not a punk-assed motherfucker but you would like to be, here are some tips: say things like "It is what it is" and "Sorry. Not Sorry" as often as possible. Make eye contact with strangers and say, "What are you looking at?" Bump into people in crowded locations and then start a fight with them as if it were there fault. Pick on people who choose to wear clothing they feel comfortable in rather than the style that is most popular at the time even though your clothes will make you look foolish when looked back on ten years later. Do not develop your personality or mind in any meaningful way because it is easier to express yourself with tattoos and your musical tastes and your aesthetic. Only ever smile or laugh when it's at somebody else's expense. When adult men and women point out you are being a punk-assed motherfucker, call them a bitch-assed bitch and then vape right in their faces.

I can probably think up more ways for you to be a punk-assed motherfucker but you should probably perfect those helpful hints first.

After work, Izzy is jumped by the punk-assed motherfucker. He really wants to perfect his punk-assed motherfucker game. I thought the neck tattoo that said "KING" in Helvetica font was as good a punk-assed motherfucker game as there was but then he decided slapping a woman could increase his rating.

See?! See! I told you he was a punk-assed motherfucker! Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

A couple of Izzy's Robin friends drop by to help her out. Whether or not she needed help is a story that, if told, would most likely embarrass the punk-assed motherfucker.

This issue was called "Sibling Rivalry" which I didn't mention because it kind of telegraphs that Hector, the punk-assed motherfucker, is Izzy's brother. I'm not sure why he beats on her so much. Maybe she once changed the channel while he was trying to watch the Lionel Richie "Hello" video.

Later the Robins meet up to try and figure out what the fuck they're doing. Troy getting killed was a wake up call. The Robins missed the first couple of wake-up calls called "Jason Todd" and "Damian Wayne." Although judging by the new pattern, Troy Walker will eventually be back from the dead.

While the Robins are discussing their future, Alfred Crazypants Pennyworth backs a truck full of gear into their warehouse. It's a bribe to keep them risking their lives while he watches them via spy cameras and jerks off. The Robins are easily bought off with their cool new weapons and gear. They decide all the free shit is worth working for some old perv.

Later, Duke, Izzy, and Riko (unless their names are different) are the victims of a drive-by. Apparently Hector is really pissed about not getting to see the end of the "Hello" video. While the Robins cover their heads and pray they don't take a bullet in a non-Kevlar covered part of their body, the Talon hops down and turns Hector and his friends into pellets.

We are Talons! Dun duh dun dun dun dun dun!

Crazypants Alfred gets back to doing the epilogue this issue so he can try to explain himself. It seems these kids began this Robin movement on their own and Alfred is just trying to guide and protect them. He's just trying to keep Bruce Wayne's dream alive! And that dream was of a city where children never cry! I mean, a Gotham where children never cry. I don't think children cry in Smallville or Metropolis. At least they didn't used to. Things are a bit different now that everybody hates Superman.

We Are Robin #5 Rating: No change. The Robins face some challenges and then overcome some challenges while also learning that some challenges challenge the challenged too much. Then a Talon tries to eat them. It's all very exciting for people who can remember the names of all of these various Robins. My favorite, Suge, wasn't in this issue so it wasn't as good as it could have been. If you like the other Robins who were in this issue, you will probably really enjoy this issue.

We Are Robin #3

Commissioner Batman had better say "You kids get off my lawn!" at least once.

This issue begins with the Robin with the big thighs digging through the refrigerator when she should be helping the other Robins by searching YouTube for videos about disarming bombs. Her nickname is Shug because she's either a patron at a southern restaurant or she loves to stuff sugar into her face. We get it, society! Fat people eat things! You know who else eats things? Skinny people! So why is it always the fat person shoving unhealthy food in their face? Or overly healthy food which is the tack We Are Robin takes. Also, Shug isn't fat. So maybe she has diabetes and she's trying to control her diet so she doesn't send her sugar levels out of whack. That would be a good reason for the nickname "Shug" as well! Plus it would make sense that she's staying home and out of the adrenaline pumping action since that might throw her levels out of whack too. Unless it doesn't. But I hope it does because I'm trying to distance myself from the assumption that Lee Bermejo was falling back on standard fat character tropes. Shug is probably diabetic instead of fat. I hope it's still okay to make fun of diabetics or I might get into trouble later.

Right now, Shug is playing the Oracle of the We Are Robin kids. It might be because she's diabetic or it might be because she has stricter parents than the others or it might just be that they rotate the help desk job every night. Whatever the reason, she needs to learn how to disarm a bomb in the next twenty minutes or Gotham will lose another building. That doesn't really seem like that big of a deal since Gotham recently lost most of their buildings in Batman Eternal and then lost lots more in Endgame.

Shug's texts come in as "The Nest" so she's definitely the Oracle. Unless they don't since some texts come in as Shug-R. So many names! The rest of the Robins use each other's names a lot so that the readers can slowly identify them all. I won't be learning their names any time soon. Not because I'm stubborn but because my brain just doesn't work that way. I just spent twenty seconds trying to come up with Duke's name and he's the only one I can identify.

Meanwhile above ground, a riot breaks out because disarming bombs wasn't enough pressure for these kids. Commissioner Batman had better get here soon!

Holy crap. So many Robins to keep track of!

So far Shug is my favorite because she had two Chinese food leftover containers in the fridge that I'm just going to assume had Indian food in them because now I want Indian food. Plus she's had the most characterization so far other than Duke. She chews sugarless gum which I don't do. She wears glasses which I don't do. She sits at home on her computer every night which I totally do. I think the other Robins will be too active and engage in too many risky behaviors for me to be comfortable with them as my favorite Robin. Shug really seems like the Robin for me.

Last issue made it seem like Alfred was recruiting all of these kids. My guess is that he's working with his daughter Julia as well. She's also on the Commissioner Batman program, so it would make sense for her to be bridging the worlds of legal and illegal criminal subdual techniques. I don't think Bruce Wayne is involved at all since he's running around with hearts in his eyes.

Hmm. I don't think diabetes is the issue. Now I want Mac 'n' Cheese!

One bomb is disarmed and loads and loads of Robins join in to quell the riot. Unless adding that many more people to the riot just makes a bigger riot? That's probably just semantics plaguing me. I'm pretty sure, in this case, it's a good thing that the Robins are effectively doubling the size of the riot. Commissioner Batman, on the other hand, might come down on the semantics side of things.

I guess this is not very different when regular Batman chastises his Robins.

A train pulls up with a big "R" painted on the front and Robin stuff all over it. Orders from The Nest (which must be the mystery person and not Shug-R at all) tell the Robins to hop the train and leave the final bomb. The kids figure The Nest knows what it's talking about so they comply. Also it's probably nice to know you're not going to be blown up by a bomb in a few seconds. But Robin Troy stays behind to finish disarming the bomb!

Goddammit! His was a name I could remember!

The epilogue confirms that Alfred is The Nest and that he has a hook for a hand. I guess after all those years raising children to put them in harm's way, he's simply gone over the edge and is now gathering as many to him as he can! Alfred needs to be stopped!

We Are Robin #3 Rating: No change. I get the point of this comic book! Alfred really has gone nuts and just can't stop recruiting kids to put them in harm's way. Is this the only way he knows how to make a Batman? And why does he need a Batman so badly?! Maybe he's just envious of the kids at the rec center and their relationship with Bruce Wayne so he's punishing them with this whole We Are Robin scam. Shouldn't Alfred just be truly happy that Bruce is getting a second chance at happiness and retire himself? Maybe Alfred knows Bruce will eventually return to Batman and this is Alfred's way of showing Bruce that the city can always be safe if you teach the youth of the city to care and to fight back. That way Bruce can trash that creepy Batman Duplication Device in the Bat-cave. Anyway, I suppose Alfred doesn't feel hugely responsible for Troy's death since he did tell the kids to just get the hell out of the building. He's trying to build their confidence and skill, not get them killed. Troy's death is on himself! At least according to "Batman's Big Book of Reasons Why I Can Honestly Say I Haven't Killed Anybody Because There Are Always Extenuating Circumstances To Deaths Surrounding My Actions."

We Are Robin #2

I'm too old for this series. Just looking at this cover scares me.

Last issue, Duke found himself in the Gotham Underground because Lee Bermejo is a jerk. Doesn't he know people hated Ann Nocenti's Catwoman run and that he shouldn't be reminding us of it? How would he like it if I dug up his dead grandma's skull and brought it to his house while working its jaw and making it say, "Give Nana a kissy!"? That would be totally uncalled for and probably hurt him a lot. And that's not even half as bad as reminding people of Ann Nocenti's Catwoman!

It's possible that Lee Bermejo doesn't even know about Ann Nocenti and her work on the Gotham Underground and he just brought Duke to it because it was used in Batwing. That story did prominently feature the Ratcatcher who is the current antagonist in this comic book, so he really might not realize the pain he's causing. Now I feel I could be wrong about him being an intentional jerk. Maybe I should just put Nana's skull back.

Duke has just met the We Are Robin crew who have been stalking him ever since he flew around the city with Batman. Ratcatcher's brainwashed followers were trying to capture Duke because he heard their plans to blow up the city above ground (which sounds like maybe a stupid plan if you're below ground? Beneath the explosions that could cause everything to collapse? I mean, Ratcatcher and his people do live in a huge cavern beneath Gotham. It's not like the city has much support! And where do the Owls live? Are they in a layer between the Gotham Underground and Gotham City?). The Robin Kids save him by lighting a flare which apparently gives off just enough light to scare and blind the people of the underground who go around all day with torches and street lights on constantly. I guess it was some kind of super flare.

After bringing Duke to the surface, the Robin Kids get a message from The Nest telling them to ditch Duke. For a bunch of unique snowflakes who totally have their own individual styles and completely think for themselves, they sure do jump when a message from The Nest says, "Remember whose buttering the buttered side of your bread."

Duke wakes up in an interrogation room with a creepy guy who offers to help find Duke's parents if Duke helps the Robin Kids disarm the Ratcatcher's bombs. Duke is all, "Fuck no!" But then after the guy leaves Duke alone and Duke eventually remembers that he knows how to open a door, Duke finds a motorcycle and a leather outfit and a phone waiting for him outside of the room. Those things go a long way to changing a "fuck no" to a "fuck yes."

Turns out this creepy guy has been busy grooming kids all over Gotham.

Did you get a good look at his right hand?! He hid it behind his back the whole time he spoke with Duke! Probably because it's a big fake wooden thing!

The creepy guy is so totally Alfred! And he's presented in a way to keep it ambiguous if his right hand is still missing. They even begin the "interview" with a mirrored shot so that it looks like he's using his right hand to maybe throw off the dumber dumb dumbs reading this comic book. It almost worked on me!

Maybe it's even Alfred gone rogue because he's become addicted to putting children in danger! He's the main villain in this comic book because he's gone mad with grief at the loss of Master Bruce to the woman working at the teen rec center!

The Robin Kids (now with more Duke Thomas!) find themselves across the street from the Gotham Hall of Records, the Ratcatcher's first target. Actually, the Ratcatcher is just the lieutenant of some other mastermind because the Ratcatcher is never the brains behind the villainous plans. The Robin Kids find the bombs underneath the building set to blow in twenty minutes. Now they just need to find a Youtube instructional video on disarming bombs shorter than twenty minutes.

Once again there is an epilogue! This one is of a mysterious man following Ratcatcher in the Gotham Underground to try and find the actual leader of the underground rebellion. He uses the same bat camera seen in the epilogue of the first issue! That's probably a clue to his identity! Unless it's one of those red herring clues that aren't actually clues. I hate those! Life is full of those. I don't want my entertainments to be 99% red herrings too. If I wanted that in my literature, I'd read Scott Lobdell's Hardy Boys Adventures.

We Are Robin #2 Rating: No change. Why does everybody in this comic book have to be so young? It's scary and unsettling! I wish the DC Youniverse didn't have to be filled with so many DC Youths. I want a version of this comic book when the characters are all in their late thirties and early forties! Then it will be full of them calling each other up and saying, "Hey. I'm heading down to the pharmacy to get some pills. Did you want to go along for the ride?" And the other one would be, "Nah, I just took a really good crap and I'm just basking in the afterglow." Meanwhile a few of the others will be playing a rousing game of Scrabble while eating all the pizza rolls that are supposed to be after-school snacks for their kids.