Robin War #2

If the cover is page one, page two is a pile of dead Robins.

Hey DC! Don't have a story arc where a bunch of undead assassins give Batman and the Batfamily a tough time and then expect me to believe that a bunch of amateur kids are going to stand up to them! Even if those kids have had three hours of Bat-training! Although if Damian is the leader of the Talons and he tells them to self-destruct but to make it look good, I can believe that. While some stories have proven the Talons can be as smart as they were while living, I have to believe that they're mostly just dumb automatons that can't be "murderered"; they can merely be "put out of their misery."

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Gotham Academy #13

I'm considering getting drunk.

I'm not really in the mood to read more comic books tonight but I'm not really in the mood to do anything else either. I tried playing a little more Temple of Elemental Evil but Zuggtmoy kicked my ass and then I made a deal with Hedrack not to fight but as soon as the conversation ended, he was all, "Hey! Let's fight!" Fucker. I'm going to get drunk and kill you, you piece of shit! But first I guess I'll read this Robin War tie-in.

This issue is called "Robins vs. Zombies" and I already know what's going to happen because Riko spilled the beans all over the other Robin War comic books. A Talon is going to enroll at Gotham Academy and nobody is going to let him sit with them at lunch because Gotham Academy doesn't really have an undead clique. And Maps was probably busy writing a dungeon crawl for her role playing game, Serpents and Spells, or else she totally would have invited the zombie to sit at her table.

Now I'm not sure if I want Olive to make out with Pomeline or Riko!

Maps is upset because Riko has the same backpack and because Riko is taking Olive's open roommate slot (that isn't an innuendo unless you want it to be and you're a total pedo (oh, who am I kidding? They're only fictional characters! Imagine them doing whatever you want to each other!)). I totally fucking knew Riko was going to try to be the new Maps! I called it last issue because I'm super overprotective of my Maps! Fuckin' Riko. You can go to hell, Riko! Or better yet! You can go to the hell that people in hell go to when they die in hell! You go to hell's hell, jerko!

Later that night, Pizza Detective Club begins investigating the Case of the Greenhouse Zombie! They set up a trap to catch the zombie but since they're practically the Scooby Doo gang and they've baited the trap with food, one of them is going to get hungry and fall into the trap themselves! Now which one is the most like Shaggy? Colton, right?! Although Riko isn't with them and she needs to get involved so she'll probably get caught in the trap while doing some Robin work.

Or she'll just get invited to join. Don't they all look adorable?!

Maps's plan doesn't quite work out the way she thought it would, probably because she was flirting so hard with Riko. But it does get Kirk's Langstrom's attention which is when I begin yawning and trying not to fall asleep. I don't know how anybody stays awake reading a Man-bat comic book! I was only just able to stay awake because Kirk Langstrom is just a tad bit more interesting when he's not Man-bat. He's also just acting as an adviser to the Pizza Detective Club and I really like those guys. So while barely holding my interest, I'm able to continue reading about their second plan to catch the zombie. This one involves mumbo-jumbo comic book bullshit that almost sounds scientific enough to be fictionally plausible! And guess what?!

Hey! Wake up! I said, "Guess what?!"

It works! The zombie comes back to the lab to--cross my fingers--murder Kirk Langstrom!

The Talon must be an ancestor of Olive's!

The Talon introduces himself as Efrem. Kirk Langstrom decides to keep him on in the lab to sterilize tools and sweep up. The Pizza Detective Club shrugs and decides to put this mystery in the solved column. Then Olive calls the cops on Riko and gets her ass thrown out of Gotham Academy for being a Robin. See, Olive isn't exactly on the best of terms with the Batfamily. Probably because they threw her mother in Arkham.

Maps tries to tangle with the cops but Damian stops her. She doesn't know it's Damian because he keeps his identity hidden by standing in a tree a few feet away from her totally exposed. Then he explains that he's going to start a war and that maybe she and her friends should order a pizza and go play some Serpents and Spells and ignore the awful screams of Robins being torn to pieces by Talons outside the dorm windows.

Gotham Academy #13 Rating: No change. At first I thought I wasn't going to like the art because it wasn't Karl Kerschl's art. But then I was like "Oh my God! They're so cute!" and "Look at that face Maps is making!" and "Olive has never been more adorable!" So I think those exclamations meant I liked it after all. I'm glad Riko didn't take Maps' place in the Pizza Detective Club but I'm fairly certain this story would have been better if Pomeline and Riko had kissed a little bit. Mostly on the mouth, of course! I don't expect any fisting to take place on a first date! At least not a first date between young people. Forty year olds going on a first date? Holy shit, things are going to get fucking weird.

Robin, Son of Batman #7

Damian is my hero.

Damian Wayne is my hero because he doesn't suffer bullshit gladly. I understand people of less than or average intelligence are desperate to claim niceness as a quality far more important than intelligence but it drives me nuts. Do we have to lie about so much for the purposes of being nice that we become saddled with dozens of crappy traditions that nobody really wants to take part in?! I just mentioned on Facebook that my favorite Christams tradition is shredding the photos of my friends and family's children two seconds after I've glanced at them. Yes, this statement is hyperbolic. Usually I just throw them in the "to be shredded" basket. But why is that a bad thing? Shouldn't I acknowledge the truth of what I do with pictures I don't really give a shit about? Is there an appropriate amount of time I'm supposed to pretend to cherish them before I destroy them forever?! Or are my friends and family seriously asking me to hang on to these pictures until I die?! They must know that nobody fucking wants this shit cluttering up their lives, right?! I can understand this tradition when things like fucking social media, email, and texting didn't fucking exist. But now I see pictures of your stupid fucking kids every day! Why do I need a hard copy of them?!

Other than that (and the smugness of people giving me gifts I told them I didn't fucking want), my Christmas was pretty good! I got my Kill/Death Ratio in Call of Duty up to 2.12 so that it equaled my Score Per Minute of 2.12! It's almost orgasmic seeing those numbers lined up so nicely! Also I ate a lot, read DC Comics Presents: Titans Hunt #1, and played Apples to Apples Junior with the Non-Certified Spouse, her sister, our niece (her sister's daughter! Just in case some of you internet trolls don't know the definition of "niece"), and the girlfriend of some step-something or other. I wish all these holiday interruptions were over already but now I have to have dinner at my dad's on Sunday! Christ, he's still alive?!

Um, anyway, this issue begins on the roof of the Gotham Police Department where some Talons have ambushed the Robins. It's a good thing three real Robins are in the crowd of Robins or else they'd all be dead in the amount of time it takes for me to shred a Christmas card.

Here's where the whole "no killing" rule really falls apart.

Batman and the Batfamily do not kill. It's practically the first rule, as Dick pointed out over in Batman and Robin Eternal. But apparently the rule has a whole list of clarifications and exceptions. Aliens are generally okay to kill if they're monstrous and don't speak Interlac. They might be sentient and have their own grunty language but to Batman they're fair game. Apparently it's also okay to kill the Talons because they've been reanimated. Does that mean it's okay to kill Damian or Jason Todd? What about Superman and Batman? Superman "died" once, right? And Batman is currently only alive because he's a partial Toymaster video game construct! I think. Holy shit that story was awful! No, don't get distracted by remembering Greg Pak's failures! Must list more reanimated heroes that it's okay for Batman to kill! Here's one: Swamp Thing! A monster and reanimated!

Some people might want to argue the semantics of "resurrected" and "reanimated" but have you read The Court of Owls story arc and it's tie-ins? The Talons are as sentient as any of the heroes I've mentioned who have been resurrected. Calling them "zombies" or "reanimated corpses" is just ignoring a lengthy philosophical debate on what makes something sentient. And I'm not even touching the rabbit hole we'd fall down if we brought stupid fucking animals into the equation!

The debate is actually moot since the Talons regenerate at room temperature. Luckily, more of those flammable barrels that were in the prison are also on the roof. As was sort of seen in the ambiguous art of the last chapter of Robin's War, the barrels contain some kind of freezing chemicals used to power the air conditioners! I think. Some of my jumps I take to conclusions are Olympic level. But if they are freezing chemicals, we know what they're going to be used for, right?! No, not huffing, cheeky monkey.

Oh. These ones actually explode as opposed to the ones stored inside which...well, they did something different.

Elsewhere in Gotham, Councilwoman Noctua continues to prepare Gotham for a Court of Owls takeover. And beneath the city in the layer of Gotham above Nocenti's Stupid Gotham Underground but beneath Killer Croc's sewers and the Gotham subway system, Dick Grayson has entered the Court of Owls' labyrinth. He's gone to find answers but he's really just going to find a trap because he's the one the Court really want. Tonight is the night Dick Grayson once again becomes Nightwing! At least that's what they're hoping for. I doubt that will happen because Dick is already in a really successful comic book that isn't called Nightwing at all.

But this is a Robin, Son of Batman comic book so Dick fucking Grayson can hold his giblets. Back at Gotham PD, Damian blows a hole in the roof and the Talons drop to their temporary deaths. All of the Robins (being smarter and more agile than the Talons, I guess?) manage to grab on to the hanging jail cells and not plunge to their permanent deaths. Riko mentions how she saw a Talon at Gotham Academy (probably in the Gotham Academy Tie-In I haven't read yet) so the Robins figure it's as good a lead as any. During the ruckus, Damian has disappeared because that fucking idiot must have forgotten about this being a Robin, Son of Batman comic book. I guess Jason Todd and Tim Drake need to fulfill their roles in this comic since their monthly comic books are ass.

Tim, Luke, and Jason send most of the Robins home because no reader is going to remember dozens of different names. Plus it's a pain in the ass to draw so many people. So now it's just a handful of Robins going after the Owls living at Gotham Academy: Tim, Jason, Luke, Riko, Dax, Dre, and Izzy. I think.

I append "I think" to a lot of my sentences because fuck if I can remember anything, especially names.

They stumble upon the Talon's hatchery when help arrives.

Elite Talons!? What the fuck are those comprised of?!

The Robins and Batman somehow defeat a room full of Talons without the Elite Talons waking up. Batman calls in the cops and sends the kids off to the next chapter.

Meanwhile Dick Grayson meets the new leader of the Court of Owls...Lincoln March! Oh shit. So he is going to be behind all the shenanigans in Batman and Robin Eternal, isn't he?!

Lincoln March declines to invite Dick to be the Court of Owls new superstar because Damian already accepted the position. That must make Lincoln March the dumbest supervillain to ever take an oath of supervillainry! Damian Wayne is playing you, you fool! You shouldn't be throwing Dick Grayson away because you think Damian is honestly on your side! You should use Damian's attempt at sabotaging your organization through treachery to help convince Dick Grayson that he has to be the new Gray Son or the Elite Talons will tear Damian apart! Maybe Lincoln March's stupidity is proof that the reanimated Talons aren't as sentient as I thought and it is okay to kill them. At the very least, Stephanie Brown is technically not a murderer.

Robin, Son of Batman #7 Rating: No change. I'm actually quite enjoying this Robin War no matter my tone while writing about it. I'm not really sure of my tone since I've already forgotten everything I typed on this page and am ready to move on to working on my Cribbage Role Playing game that I'll be sending to all of my Patrons as an end of the year bonus. So you should learn how to play cribbage or you won't be able to enjoy it. Although I'm having Pickle Boy write an addendum to the rules which are just the rules for cribbage. Mostly I've asked him to take care of that part so when the game is inevitably delayed past the end of the year, I can blame it on him not having gotten his part finished.

We Are Robin #7

This was bound to happen, war or no war.

Does Jason Todd always have to fight with a gun in his hand? He's battling Tim Drake, for Christ's sake! It's not like he's really going to shoot him! I know this is a cover so I shouldn't be taking it so literally. Notice how I'm not complaining about all of the giant Court of Owls masks crashing down around them? That's actually a bigger problem than Jason Todd's fingers glued to the trigger.

Gordon and Grayson's Batman and Robin adventure begins this issue and it begins with Dick almost falling off of a building and Gordon saving him. Obviously Dick was just testing Gordon to see what he's capable of because the last thing Grayson needs to worry about is falling to his death. As a comic book fan, I have to believe that or else I'd be screaming "How can Lee Bermejo write Dick Grayson so poorly?! Jim Gordon has been climbing buildings for six months while Dick has been doing it his whole life and Lee thinks Gordon would be the one to save Dick from falling?! Bullshit! What a travesty! It's the worst thing to be written into canon since everything else I disagreed with which was most of it!" But I don't want to be one of those comic book fans with my beard full of spittle and rage! I'm a thoughtful comic book fan who remembers that Dick Grayson was shown manipulating everybody since this Robin War began so he's obviously doing it again here. If Gordon believes he's the most capable member of this duo, he'll be more apt to open up to Dick and consider Dick's position on the Robin War.

See? Let Gordon bring himself around to Dick's side.

Modern comic books--like The Graysons!--are constantly walking a tightrope of believability. Back when Robin was first introduced to fight alongside Batman, nobody was concerned about the real-life ramifications of a grown man putting a young boy in danger. As comics grew up, writers and editors began thinking what readers really wanted was real world consequences for actions that had always simply been accepted as okay in the fantastic world of comic books. I'd rather not worry about things like property damage and xenophobic fears and child endangerment laws (aside from making snide comments about them!). I don't mind if the characters need to deal with real life matters, to a limited extent of course! I think this moment between Jim and Dick is a nice modern middle ground. The child endangerment aspect is briefly mentioned while also presenting some real world experiences in argument for teenagers fighting crime. In fact, the entire We Are Robin premise actually makes the idea of Robin more palatable and understandable. A grown man enlisting a young boy to swing around the city while fighting dangerous criminals is patently absurd. But a youth movement where a bunch of teenagers simply want to protect their city and make it better? Way more acceptable. And this Robin War is the period of time where Jim Gordon must come to terms with such a crazy thing happening in his city, hopefully coming to a point where we can all agree to stop worrying about the real-life implications of this kind of movement and settle down comfortably into the fictional world of comic books.

I meant it's easier to accept hundreds over one to the modern reader! Obviously the characters living the story would rather only have to deal with one stupid Robin.

While snooping around Councilwoman Noctua's apartment, Dick Grayson finally realizes the Court of Owls is probably behind the Robin War. He rushes off to fall into their trap while Commissioner Batman heads back to check on his captured Robins.

Back at the police jail cell, the Owls have decided to pit Red Robin against Red Hood in a battle to the death to determine which one will be the next Gray Son of Gotham. Even if one of them does kill the other, all it will determine is which one will be the next one to refuse to be their dumb Talon. Although they probably really don't care if Tim and Jason kill each other. The Owls said they were fishing before starting the battle and they're probably trying to catch Moby Dick.

Todd and Drake get some of their frustrations out on each other long enough for Damian Wayne to understand their plan.

Editorial must have put the kibosh on Damian saying, "They're pulling a Dick!"

As Tim Drake flies higher and higher amid the hanging cages, Jason Todd yells, "Alexandre Dumas, eat your heart out!" I don't know why he yells it. Maybe there's a scene in The Three Musketeers that's just like this? I wouldn't know because I've never read the book. But I did once play and review the computer game!

Tim Drake makes it to the top of the Birdcage where there's one of those huge levers that shuts down the bad thing in one pull. Convenient! It's probably some kind of Evil Villain Union Rule that every dastardly device must have an easy means to defeat it built in. Once Tim pulls the lever, the cages all open and the Robins are free! Although this might be where the saying "Out of the frying pan and into the claws of an immortal murderous monster" came from.

Stop squawking! Those were the easy guys! There's a Talon around there somewhere, you idiots!

Apparently the Talons are perched on the roof waiting to feast on the escaping Robins streaming from the exit. But their deaths will have to wait until Robin: Son of Batman #7. That's how DC decided to punctuate the title of that book in the closing blurb of this issue! With a colon! I think it's more of a Robin, Son of Batman comma kind of title! But what do I know? Seriously. When it comes to grammar and punctuation, what do I fucking know?! Precious little, really.

We Are Robin #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. When I first heard about this book, I was excited that it was going to be a book about all of the Robins adventuring together. Obviously I was wrong about that. I still think a book where the Robins go on adventures together would be a lot of fun and this issue shows why. I've never been a huge fan of Tim Drake and Jason Todd but stories like this are at least pushing me in that direction. Of course I need a lot more of these stories to counteract all of the damage Scott Lobdell did to my idea of Jason Todd and Tim Drake over the last four years. Damian makes for the perfect little brother without edging into Scrappy Doo, Danny Chase, or Cousin Oliver territory. He might put them down as lackluster Robins any chance he gets but when the shit goes down, he's their biggest fucking cheerleader. And, of course, Damian completely looks up to and respects Dick Grayson, as do they all in varying amounts. When Batman speaks of a Batfamily, it always rings hollow because he's such a dour downer buzzkill. But when the Robins get together, it totally makes sense. More of this kind of shit please.

Robin War #1

I was really surprised that the Robin War was beginning in Robin War.

Robin War #1 Rating: Look, it's only going to be around for two issues so I'm not adding it to the overall DC Comic Books Ranking chart! But it was good, okay? Probably really fucking good because Damian was in top form. And though I felt like I've had enough Court of Owls to last for a few more years, I still love the concept of them and I think this story is a great way to bring them back to the forefront. Especially because I think Kyle Higgins pulled off one of those things comic book writers rarely get to do: he added to the origin of a character that didn't retcon the character or change it in any fundamental way but added to his history and made him more interesting. It also tied Dick to Gotham in much the same way Bruce Wayne is tied to Gotham. Higgins made him Gotham Royalty too. And the Court of Owls history with Dick Grayson makes their part in this story more interesting still. The Robin War is simply the smokescreen to get their talons into their lost gray son.

Please enjoy and support my unabridged reviews of Robin War #1 and all the rest of DC’s comics over at Patreon! It would make a great Christmas present for your non-Christian friends!