Nightwing #21

Why isn't Seeley's name on the cover? What is happening?!

• Nightwing begins this comic by making an observation that crime takes place in Metropolis around lunchtime and crime takes place in Gotham around midnight. That must be because criminals are stupid. If you want to avoid Batman, do crime during the day! If you want to avoid Superman, do crime at night! What is wrong with these people? Unless, of course, what Nightwing is really observing is that Superman fights crime during the day and Batman fights crime at night. During the day in Gotham, criminals get away with their crimes and nobody notices because Batman is sleeping. The opposite is true of Metropolis. So what Nightwing is really observing is that he's bad at science and drawing conclusions.

• Nightwing also concludes that crime takes place in Blüdhaven at about twilight because that's when he goes out to stop crime. Nightwing might suck at scientific experiments but he's an expert at tautologies.

Dude, you're not Robin anymore. That line doesn't work.

• Nightwing stops the mugging but the woman being mugged decides to murder the mugger. Luckily for Nightwing, The Flash (Wally West Version (ginger Wally West version)) arrives to scoop the bullet out of the air. I say luckily for Nightwing because if this mugger were killed, his family would wind up blaming Nightwing. Then they'd have to become super villains to destroy him for killing their loved one. Not that he killed the guy or could even be blamed. But comic books have a different set of ethical parameters than reality. Not that reality's are much better.

• Wally has come to town to find a friend. He's bored because nobody wants to hang out with him. I get that. He's annoying just at normal speeds.

• Nightwing uses the line "Let's not and say we did." I've never liked that expression. It doesn't really make much sense. If you don't want to do something, why would you want to go around later proclaiming that you did? I've never asked somebody to fuck me where they responded "Let's not and say we did." Although they have said the opposite of that. I totally understand that version! "Let's do this thing that is completely embarrassing and later not admit to having done it." But in Nightwing's case, Flash suggests calling the new villain they're tracking The Skipper. Nightwing is all, "Let's not call him that and say that we did." Well, isn't that exactly the same as calling him that?

• Nightwing and Flash catch up with the newbie super villain. He uses the word "ridic." I hope they accidentally kill him.

• The Flash can't stop The Skipper because The Skipper can pause time. But he does have to push a button to pause time. Which means The Flash should be able to stop him before he can pause time. Because, you know, The Flash has that super speed thing. But apparently this kid's index finger has super speed too. Even if The Skipper simply needed to think about pausing time to pause time, The Flash should still be able to defeat him. Because the idiot keeps talking. As soon as he begins saying anything, The Flash could punch him in the face and kill him. I mean knock him out. Easily before the kid could think to pause time.

• So, anyway, they, um, you know, beat the guy in the end. It's all very satisfying and shit. I guess. Whatever.

• In the epilogue, Tiger Shark returns to take over Blüdhaven! I'm not sure that really deserved an exclamation point but I felt something needed to feel exciting about this issue.

Detective Comics #953

Is the left boob a vital organ?

This issue begins with Renee Montoya scratching her ass as Jim Gordon displays his terrible taste in white middle age fashion (Hawaiian shirt and khakis!). Renee has been seen before in other comic books so you'll hopefully forgive this one for not starting off by saying, "Renee is gay! She totally sticks her tongues into vaginas! I think! Is that how lesbians do it?" These teen rated comic books really need to be more informative about gay sex. They should also be more informative about heterosexual sex. Like maybe show a picture of a vagina once in a while so I know what to picture in my head when I masturbate. It's not sexy at all just picturing the word "vagina."

Are all the women in law enforcement in the DC Universe gay? There's Renee and Kate and Maggie and...well, that's all I can think of! Oh! And that nun in the Gotham Supernatural Crimes Unit. I guess if she were gay that would make Jesus her beard?

Commissioner Gordon is returning from a vacation in Jamaica which doesn't explain his Hawaiian shirt at all. Apparently when he heard that the Gotham Police Department were looking at Batman as their prime suspect for the murder of Mayor Hady, he was like, "OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE! What kind of easily manipulated idiots do I work with?! Obviously Batman didn't kill the guy! He never kills the guy! No matter how many times a villain frames him for murder, it never winds up being The Goddamned Batman!" Then the cabana boy was all, "Would you like more rum in your coconut?"

Renee isn't one of those chumps who believe everything they hear (although sometimes you have to believe some stuff! You can't be like all of these Internet intellectuals who never believe anything so that they can never be fooled by anything. Although those are the same types of people who believe shit like Project Cloverleaf and Pizzagate) so she brought Batman along to work with Commissioner Gordon. They'll get to the bottom of this League of Shadows nonsense and probably without once saying, "Doesn't this remind you just a little bit of the Court of Owls?"

Hey! Me too! Now whenever I want to show somebody that I love them, I yell, "Out vile jelly!" I'm pretty sure they understand.

After all the boring introductory stuff that's there to remind readers the names of the characters and possibly some other stuff (although they forgot to remind everybody that Renee Montoya is gay. Shame! (I mean shame on the forgetting and not shame on the being gay. Don't you dare purposefully misunderstand my meaning, you terrible Internet scolds!)), the action begins. That action is the League of Shadows attacking all of the secret Bat Lairs because why wouldn't they know every Bat-Secret ever? They're the most dangerous foes Batman has ever faced!

Also, Cassie Cain kicks Batman's ass because she's going through a terrible bout of Daddy and Mommy Issues. Sometimes I wish somebody at DC Comics would hold a staff meeting to suggest other reasons characters might be experiencing drama in their lives. It doesn't always have to be about parents, does it?!

Judging by the next scene, I'm going to predict that meeting never, ever takes place.

Here's another idea for a company meeting: bring in all of the artists to see what an actual woman looks like when she's in a suit of leather. It doesn't adhere to the body in the way they think it does. Is Kate vacuum sealed into her outfit?! Oh! I bet if she was, I'd finally know what to picture when I think "vagina!"

Cassandra heads into Gotham Times Square to shout "Shiva!" which Shiva obviously hears. I avoid being angry about how ridiculous that is by asking myself, "Do I want to read ten pages of Cassandra Cain hunting down Shiva?" Since the answer to that is "Holy fucking Christ, no!", I'm happy with this turn of events. Cassie is being plagued by that question that After-School Specials have told us plagues all adopted children eventually: "Why did my mother abandon me?" You know what Special I never saw that would have really helped me growing up? "Why Didn't My Mother Abandon Me?" I totally would have identified with that one.

Shiva doesn't answer Cassie's question because Cassie refuses to kill her. Well, that seems like a no-win situation. How could she answer if Cassie killed her? Oh wait. It's comic books. She probably would resurrect or become a ghost or fart the answer in a long, rambling death ass rattle.

While all of the Bat Family are being picked apart, Batman discovers Ra's al Ghul has infiltrated the Batcave. He must be there to offer Batman a chance to work with him to defeat the League of Shadows. Batman will probably say "I guess I have no choice!" instead of the thing he really should say: "Are you fucking kidding me? I know Superman and Wonder Woman! Get the fuck out of here!"

The Ranking!
No change! If you want to read a comic book that feels familiar because it's using all of the comic book clichés ever and even stealing most of the plot elements from the Court of Owls story, you should pick up this comic book! I'd rather spend those five minutes of my life in a more interesting way, like smelling the lint between my toes or shoving magic markers up my ass. But since I read the comic book already, I just don't have time! But you still have a chance to make that decision! Heed my warning, comic book readers! Carpe Magicae Plumbum!

Detective Comics #952

The Bat Gang versus an army of Talons! I mean shadow ninjas!

Are we really still a society that is fascinated with giant apes? I feel like the 20th Century was America going through its twelve year old boy phase. We were into rockets and giant monsters crushing cities. The seventies and eighties were the discovery of boner magazines. The nineties were like a full decade spent hyped up on sugared cereal while watching Saturday morning cartoons. And then we hit the 21st Century and things had to change. Nobody wants to keep on being a twelve year old boy forever. But we were totally into playing soldier at that time, so we couldn't change yet! Just one more decade, mom! I felt like maybe we were growing once Obama became president (well, some of us. One particular ideological political group insists on remaining twelve year old boys. It sucks they're in charge now). I thought maybe we were going to mature into a woman that just turned twenty-one. Oh, sure! There are some issues that go along with that too! But at least we wouldn't be obsessed with boobies and monsters and war and giant apes, right?

Ugh.

I really don't get the fucking appeal of King Kong. Maybe Hollywood really is just a seer's crystal ball spamming portents of the future into the minds of the masses. This is just proof that the twelve year old boys are back in control and we're all fucked.

This reminds me. I should probably send out letters of apology to everybody who knew me when I was twelve. I don't know how I wasn't just slapped across the face constantly.

Yesterday, I experienced two moments that brought me unbridled joy. I heard Ookla the Mok's song "Viewmaster" for the first time. And then while walking back from the store (where I'd heard the song on my Shuffle), I watched as three crows followed the mailman from house to house to house down the block. I fucking love crows. But because they're birds, I often forget and leave them out of my lists of favorite animals. I usually just say cats, goats, and raccoons. Poor little corvids always get left out.

The Review!
For any fangenders wondering how powerful the League of Shadows are, they can stop wondering because James Tynion IV opens this comic with proof of how bad-ass they are. Not that it was needed. If you're a comic book reader, you know how it works. The current threat is always the most dangerous threat ever to be faced ever and will only be out-threated by next month's threat. It's why comic book story lines have escalated into this untenable place where every fucking conflict has the fate of all reality at stake. Okay, maybe it's not always that great. I mean, this is a Batman comic book so things need to remain a little more at street level. What Tynion does to prove the League of Shadows are a threat like no other the Batman has ever faced (aside from the Court of Owls but you should forget about them because they were New 52 and this is Rebirth and, anyway, they're nothing at all like the League of Shadows!) is to have Ra's al Ghul track down Shiva and practically beg her to keep her League from killing his League. But she's all, "No way, French name that rhymes with Jose because we're in France!" So Ra's attacks her with a small army.

Now, you might be thinking, "Whoa! That is bad-ass! Even Ra's's League of Assassins can't beat the League of Shadows!" But if you are, you've jumped the gun! Because that isn't the part that proves how dangerous Shiva's League is. It's the page after the small army attacks Shiva!

Holy shit! She defeated the small army in ten seconds! Whoa!

Oh, also, Cassie is Shiva's daughter. I'm not sure if we were already supposed to know that or not. It's news to me! But then the story could point out that Tim Drake died recently and I'd be all, "Oh? Did he? I really wasn't wondering at all or caring about where he got off to."

Back to the present where the Bat Gang have been ambushed by League of Shadows Sleeper Agents, Tynion reminds everybody that Cassie Cain is the baddest ass motherfucking bad ass ever ever. Even badder assier than Shiva (whom, if you remember from a few seconds ago, he just showed was a complete bad ass!). I'm using the phrase "bad ass" so much that I might be overdoing it. I'm certainly not being consistent with it being hyphenated or not.

Cassie defeats most of the Sleeper Agents in one panel. She also knows that she's being watched. People know that's not a thing, right? You can't actually feel being watched. You can notice out of the periphery of your vision that it looks like somebody is staring at you but that's not the feeling of being watched. That's noticing somebody is fucking watching you. The "feeling of being watched" is a feeling that exists not because somebody is watching you but because you're fucking paranoid. And if you look up and around and make eye contact with somebody (who noticed you looking around and so glanced over), you feel vindicated in your paranoid feeling. Oh, but this is comic books! In comic books, you can totally feel you're being watched otherwise heroes often wouldn't be able to advance the plot. They'd just beat up all of these Sleeper Agents, dust off their hands, and say, "Well! That's that! Good work, everybody! Let's end this adventure and go home." Then the reader would be all, "Why is this comic book seventeen pages of ads?"

Cassie might be doing okay because she's the best that ever was, having been born and bread into killing. But the rest of the Bat Gang are having trouble, what with being stabbed in the back and in the front even.

Don't worry! None of these people will die from these wounds! Although if they do, not Batman's fault! They should have found better doctors. And even if the medical bills bankrupt them and the only way to continue to exist is to continue a life of crime and they die trying to get out from under their medical bills by any means, still not Batman's fault. And it's not like it's Batman's fault if they die from an infection since he sterilizes all of his batarangs before sticking them into the chests of criminals. If they die from an infection, it's their own fault for wearing grimy clothing.

While Clayface turns into a bunch of Clayfaces to defeat the League of Shadow Ninja Sleeper Agents, Cassandra Cain sneaks up on Shiva. That's another bit to bolster Cassandra's reputation. But just in case the reader is too dumb to understand what it means (being that the reader is a comic book reader and probably of below average intelligence), Shiva says, "Nobody sneaks up on me." I don't think she means that in an offended way like "How dare you sneak up on me?!" I think she means it literally.

Shiva and Cassie fight for a bit until Shiva grabs her by the throat and does that thing where a comic book character mentions something they shouldn't know about but obviously do because they're so remarkable. Shiva is all, "I know you see the hits!" Meaning she knows how every time the reader sees an assailant from Cassie's perspective, they have little hit boxes around their most vulnerable places. So Shiva is all, "I know you see the hits!" As opposed to just saying something like, "You aren't hitting me in places that would actually hurt and possibly kill me. Why are you holding back?" No. She says, "I know you see the hits. You see each of them, don't you?" Because that's the way Cassie's vision is shown to explain it to readers, Shiva expresses it in the same way.

Whatever. What do I care?! This is the kind of thing that is written in a way that completely annoys me at the most superficial level. But it's the type of thing that, when you complain about it, fangenders will argue around the actual thing being said to explain how it makes sense. Like I just did. We allow it because we understand the bottom line. We understand what is meant by this. Shiva fights Cassie and realizes Cassie is holding back. But I don't care that we, as readers, can become lawyers for the writing so that we ultimately understand it. I still think the writing shouldn't be a fucking barrier to me enjoying the comic.

But never mind all that! That's hardly a complaint at all, really! My real complaint is that this is another fucking comic book dealing with killing versus not killing. I'm so sick of that philosophical debate being the backbone for so many fucking stories. It's practically 90% of the television show Arrow (the other 10% is Oliver fucking every female character on the show because why else would a female be part of his world if he wasn't fucking her?). It keeps cropping up in The Flash TV show too, even though Barry is the least likely person in the DC Universe to kill somebody. He's such a putz! And the stink of the constant and never ending philosophical debate is all over nearly every comic book in the DC Universe. Now we've got Cassie Cain trying not to kill anymore (mostly because she feels bad about killing Spoiler's mom and because Batman won't ever hug her again if she kills) but her mother, Shiva, is all, "You're pathetic! Killing is the best!" Anyway, I guess I get to read more of this shit in this Court of Owls story. I mean League of Shadows story!

Batman comes to the rescue after Shiva gives Cassie the Five Fingers of Death (which isn't as sexy and incestuous as you're definitely thinking it is). It's a move that gives Cassie thirty seconds before she dies. I know that move! I also know a move which gives the victim one week before they die but I need a VHS tape to pull that one off.

This is another great way to make a character more powerful than the reader remembers. Just pretend they always lost on purpose in the past. Now Shiva is suddenly Batman's greatest foe and he didn't even know it! Surprise!

Shiva tells Batman she could kill him but she doesn't because she must be weak. I thought killing was good, Shiva! Later, when you think back on how Batman kicked your ass and destroyed your League of Shadows, you're going to regret not killing him! Just like superheroes constantly regret not killing villains and then I have to read another fucking story about whether or not they should kill! If you're into killing, you should fucking kill, dum-dum.

When the League of Shadows disappears in the proverbial smoke bomb, Batwing and Azrael go with them. Oh darn. Too bad. I'm so upset.

Could you tell by my punctuation and short, terse sentences that I wasn't really upset at all?!

Oh, meanwhile? The Gotham City Police want Batman's head for the murder of Mayor Hady. So that's another cliché Tynion is forcing down my throat. No, I say, no! I don't want this! I don't consent to another story about how a hero is framed and turned into the enemy because the police are ignorant barbarians who are easily manipulated into hate and violence. We have enough of that in the real world.

Later, Cassie gets a hug from Batman. That should make everything better.

The Ranking!
-1! Too many clichés for my tastes. And I generally love them!

Detective Comics #951

The Terrible At Putting Lipstick On Gang is back in Gotham!

After discussing MAN pLaNeT, a tumblr account that began following me, this happened:

Is this a joke? Sometimes (most of the time? Perhaps all of the time?), I fucking hate the Internet.

This issue begins with Shiva torturing a man. It happened three months ago, so the guy is probably already dead. But he's not dead due to Shiva killing him! Oh no! She's a lot like Batman in that she's never killed anybody.

See? They all die from natural causes. Usually blood loss. Never mind the cause of the blood loss, nosy.

Once Shiva realizes the Colony no longer operates in Gotham City (thanks to The Batman and his obsessive need to control everything in the city), she decides it's time for the League of Shadows to move into Gotham. The League of Shadows are a secret organization that everybody thinks is an urban legend. James Tynion IV got the idea for them when Scott Snyder told him his idea about the Court of Owls. James Tynion IV was all, "Oh, um, yeah! I had the same idea! But instead of the Court of Owls, they were the League of Assassins!" And Scott was all, "That is already a thing." And James said, "What did you hear? I said League of Shadows! Duh!"

Three months later in Gotham, Batman admits that if he had to fight Cassie Cain, he'd lose. That's because Batman talks too much. He's practically riffing like Nightwing when he battles compared to Cassie's focus. Also, she's apparently better at all manner of fisticuffs than everybody else in the world. Except maybe for Azrael after he's sublimated masturbating by praying to God.

Batman has been working with corrupt Mayor Hady to make Gotham a better city. Mayor Hady turned over a new leaf. That means he realized he could make more money being honest than corrupt. But apparently it was too late because he's now been pinned to a wall by Shiva. She made sure to use swords with hilts that look like bats and then to alert the police so that Batman would be framed for the murder. James Tynion IV got that idea by reading every single comic book that's ever been published ever. Oh no! The good guy has been found near a dead body. He must have done it even though he's never killed anybody before ever! Although the cops thought he did about fifteen thousand times, it always turned out he was innocent. But this time, the cops are all, "We knew it! The Batman finally killed somebody! For real this time, probably! Let's kill him with our guns!"

I guess Batman only wears his Kevlar suit on days ending in "Bane."

Batman goes to see Jacob Kane in Guanotanamo Bay to find out what's going on. Jacob is all, "The League of Shadows! The League of Shadows!" And Batman is all, "Oh stop it. We already had one secret organization that nobody believed was real which turned out to be real. What are the odds there's another one?!"

Batman shuffles away from Jacob Kane muttering, "Who's the World's Greatest Detective anyway? I am, dammit! I'd totally know if there was this thing called the League of Shadows. I'd be all up inside that thing! If it existed, it would be purchasing Plan B pills right now because I was so far up inside it! Fucking Jacob Kane. Thinks I'm fucking Honey Wheeler or some shit. I'm Goddamned Trixie Belden, bitch!" He's interrupted by Batwing who has some news footage to show him. A couple of newscasters were interrupted discussing local nonsense and Internet videos that went viral two weeks ago by Joker toxin. They laughed themselves to death and everybody applauded when they realized those puffed up arrogant newscasters who thought they were local hot shit celebrities were dead.

It looks like The Joker but Batwoman cautions Batman. This is just what her father said the League of Shadows would do! Cause chaos in the most obvious way possible! Next, they'll probably go around asking people stupid riddles!

"Not to mention readers wouldn't stand for such an obvious retelling of the Court of Owls story!"

The Bat Gang hear about a riot in Neal Adams Park where a lot of people are laughing and punching each other. They head out to help the victims but when they get there, they realize the rioters are just pretending! They pull weapons and attack the Bat Gang. If the League of Shadows wants to remain anonymous, this seems like a weird way to go about it. This is exactly what a League of Shadows would do! Batman is totally going to believe the myth now.

The Ranking!
-1! Mostly it drops in the rankings because this story was called "Unleashed." I think I've discussed — many, many times! — how much I hate comic books using that word. Along with all of the other derivative and cliché bits in this story, it warrants a drop in the ranks.

Justice League #12

Who forgot to tell Yanick that Jess wasn't on the team anymore?

The Review!
+1 Ranking. In this issue, we discover that Max Lord has both Mommy and Daddy Issues. He's got twice the problems of a typical DC Character. We learn this information in a story that took place not long before the events of Justice League vs. Suicide Squad #1. Max Lord manages to get himself caught by Amanda so he can be alone with her, forcing her with his powers to reveal the location of the Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad. Then he uses his powers to get away and go start his mission to control the world. The story is called "Max Lord: Rebirth" and it tells the reader pretty much everything anybody needs to know about this current incarnation of Max Lord. Normally I'd have all kinds of things to say about those things that the reader learns. But I already expressed myself enough today in other reviews so I'm out of opinions. Plus I need to save some opinions for the next books I read, The Fall of Captain Atom and The Atom Rebirth! Those are first issues so I can't, in good faith, rush those. Especially since the last time I read a Captain Atom book, it was the beginning of The New 52 when about 25% of the books were terrible. Including Captain Atom's book!

Batman and Robin Eternal #15

Great! A battle between two of my least favorite characters!

I'm going to try something different because I'm still trying to organize my 2016 writing life. Current Patrons of my Patreon will probably want to read this bit because it pertains most to them: I'm going to return to doing all of my commentaries for free. But they will remain on Patreon as a place where people can choose to support me or not. You probably didn't see it but that "not" was infused with all kinds of judgy side-eye! Ha ha! No, no! Just kidding in the way I always kid which is not really but I don't want everybody to feel uncomfortable so I'm laughing awkwardly now and rushing to the kitchen to get hors-d'oeuvres (when will I ever learn how to spell that word?! Christ! I use it enough in all of my catering fanfic). I'll figure out a way to reward monthly contributors although do I actually have the capability of producing something that somebody would consider a "reward"? Probably not. The main reason I'm doing this is because I love writing commentary on comic books. I also love to be paid for them. But I do so many that I need to stop stressing over how spectacularly awesome every one turns out since I know people are paying to read them. If people are just paying because they know putting some coins in the hat as they pass by my emaciated and shivering and not drunk at all body (well, not too drunk) is just the right thing to do then I don't mind pumping out a bunch of shit commentaries just to fucking knock down this ever growing pile of to-be-read comic books!

One thing contributors will get will be copies of my cribbage role-playing game, cRPGe!, when I finally finish it. And, after finishing the introductory book and module, they'll receive any other modules for free as well. Everybody else will have to pay for them via Kindle or some weird website that does PDFs on demand or--and this isn't actually going to be an option so why am I saying it--printed up and sent out by my own hands! Ugh. That sounds awful. Why do people put themselves in positions where they have to do things that don't involve sex, food, or video games?

This is the place where I put the "Keep reading" link which will send you to the Patreon page to finish reading the now free commentaries. Unless you're already on Patreon. Then you'll just continue to the next paragraph without any interruptions.

Keep Reading

Batman and Robin Eternal #11

Cover by Brendan McCarthy if he were doing a Saturday Morning Cartoon.

I know the cover isn't by Brendan McCarthy. It's only a pale reminiscence of a memory of a shade of something McCarthy could put together. That doesn't mean I don't like it, Guillem. Don't start fucking getting quiet on me because you think I'm insulting your work. Buck up, Hasbro. That's my new nickname for everybody: Hasbro. I've just decided on it.

Harper and Dick have just met a woman named The Sculptor in David Cain's house. She apparently wanted to be found but if I were a supervillain and a hero walked into my home, I'd also be all, "Oh! Hey! You finally figured out where I live! Took you long enough! I left so many clues! Gosh, you must be a dum-dum!" Then I'd call the police and have them arrested for trespassing. But The Sculptor seems to really have wanted to be found. She works for Mother but she seems to think it's time Mother is stopped. I guess Mother isn't increasing salaries to cover inflation. If only every worker would turn against their employers when conditions weren't as satisfactory as we all know they should be! Stupid workers who have to work because they're in debt, have a mortgage, and need to take care of their kids! Who falls for those obvious traps set up by a capitalist system?! Idiots, that's who!

The Sculptor does a "mindshare" with Bluebird to pass on the information they need to find Mother so they can keep Mother from destroying her inventory because it can all lead back to her. By the way, her inventory is made up of children.

In the Mindshare, Harper learns Cassandra Cain's origin story. She was raised without speech. She was not spoken to and thus never learned to speak herself. Look, this is a fucking comic book, okay?! Nobody's trying to convince us that science and experience rule here! Obviously even without somebody speaking to her, she'd have made noises! David probably taught her not to make noises by punishing her for every noise she made. Which brings us to the next inconceivable part of her upbringing! The theory was that by not speaking to her, Cassandra would learn to communicate through body language. Presumably that is what happened. But since the only body she was reading in the whole time she was growing up was her father's, the only language she actually learned was that of her father's body language. When I took a speech class in college, the question came up at the end of the course if we felt more comfortable with public speaking. My answer was that I wasn't more comfortable speaking in public at all; I was just more comfortable speaking in front of that particular group of people who I'd come to know over the semester! Cassandra's method of reading people wouldn't work at all once she met a second person who wasn't a complete fucking sociopath.

Now that I got the rant over, I'm just going to go with it and buy into the story. Cassie Cain is remarkable at reading body language and can always guess what a person is about to do well before they do it.

So now she knows two body language phrases: "I'm a gigantic asshole" and "Please don't kill me I don't want to die!" Technically that's three phrases.

Cassandra becomes the best fighter in the world even though she didn't spend years traveling around the world learning from all of the masters of every style ever invented. What I'm trying to say is that she hasn't gone up against Batman yet! That might be in this origin story though because Batman had to encounter her in the past at some point to give her that pack of Batgum that started this whole story.

David Cain presents Cassandra to Mother to show her that he can sculpt children better than The Sculptor. Mother isn't so keen on his method.

Oh, so I guess she understands some language! Unless she heard his body language from behind her.

After The Orphan is chastised by Mother, Harper is taken to a memory of Cassandra in Gotham where Cassandra slits a woman's throat. But Cassandra cries after so that makes up for it. I mean, it doesn't but it allows the reader to feel sympathy for Cassandra because she obviously doesn't want to kill but she was raised to kill and now she's just as much a victim as the woman whose throat she cut. Sort of. I mean, she's not dead or anything so she's not really "as much a victim" as the dead woman. But all the right things were said about her past to make people feel sorry for her and want to hug her and forgive her for murdering the woman who they know nothing about but who was probably a corporate CEO cheating her employees so fuck her.

Harper's last image in the Mindshare is of Batman confirming his purchase of a new Robin. Dick yanks her out of the Mindshare before she can see the new Robin so now Dick has to risk doing the Mindshare himself. He just can't let it go, can he? So Batman wanted a better Robin?! So what! He obviously couldn't find a better one because look at what he wound up with after Dick left? Jason and Tim! The only way to get a better Robin was to ejaculate into a condom and not throw it away somewhere where Talia al Ghul wouldn't have access to it!

The issue ends with Dick and The Sculptor tumbling into a Mindshare fucked up by Dick's Spyral technology. It just teases us with the identity of Batman's purchased Robin! It just pulls its underwear most of the way down its completely shaved pubis so that the top of its turgid member pokes out of its underwear and expects us to just sit there and not shove anything down our throats! Now I just have to spend all week bluebrained with this unrevealed knowledge?! Jerks!

Batman and Robin Eternal #11 Rating: No change. This was The New 52 Origin Story of Cassandra Cain and not much else. She was abused but it made her the greatest fighter in the world so it was probably worth it. I mean, of course it wasn't worth it and I'm crying my eyes out here and not rolling them at all! I suppose if I had some sort of Nanny Complex or weird Munchhausen By Fictional Proxy Syndrome, I'd be all into Cassie as my new favorite character. Also I used MBFPS incorrectly simply because I wanted to use it. I'm writing these words and I'll manipulate them in any way I want! Also if you thought it sounded right, forget what I just said because I was lying and it totally works in context.

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Gotham By Midnight Annual #1

When did the Ghost have scary robot spider legs installed?

This comic book is starting off on the wrong foot by allowing a Hawkman villain to guest star. He might fit the bill since he's a paranormal antagonist but he's also covered in New 52 Hawkman stink. Pee-yu! As far as I'm concerned, the Spooky Files should go after, and destroy, Hawkman. Leave the poor Jim Craddock alone!

The issue begins with a woman telling Jim Craddock that she would die for him. No no no. Never, ever tell anybody that you would die for them, especially if you suspect you're in a story. At least know that nobody in the world is worth dying for (at least not consciously and in a premeditated manner). I suppose it's okay if some kid is drowning and you jump in to save the kid and then drown yourself because you actually thought you were capable of being a hero even though that wound up not being true. And I suppose if you're old and possibly riddled with cancer and you have the chance to push a young, virile, smoking hot teenager out of the way of a speeding train even though you know you'll be killed, you can throw your life away for that person. But don't go telling people you're dating that you'd die for them just because they make you super happy in your crotch area. It's better to live a long life full of masturbation than throw your life away for the best fuck in the world. I think. Maybe it's not? I mean, how good a fuck are we talking? I suppose if I found myself at forty-three and still a virgin (totally hypothetical situation, of course!), I might trade my life for the best fuck in the world. Although I might get scammed and only be given a thoroughly mediocre fuck because how would I know it gets better than that? Asshole imaginary scam artists!

Jim Corrigan and Detective Lisa "Not Dinah At All Apparently" Drake crash the imminent make-out session because they also don't believe in people making such grand declarations of love simply because a guy turns your pussy into a slobbering maniac. Detective Drake chases Jim through some walls (she has to go around) while Jim lets the woman down easy.

"He's a thief who never loved you! Boom!"

Jim Craddock gets away from Detective Drake by being super charming and/or creepy. But instead of just shrugging their shoulders and realizing they failed even though they did their best, Jim and Lisa decide to keep investigating the case. They're just full of stick-to-itiveness, aren't they? I realized I had to read yet another annual and I almost gave up reading comic books altogether!

How about neither? How about his intelligence and his brain and his ability to make logical connections between clues at a crime scene? No? Gut is better?

Detective Drake hangs out in the hospital with Eleanor, the woman who would die for the Gentleman Ghost, because Eleanor nearly died for the Gentleman Ghost. While waiting for Eleanor to wake up and give her some eerily obtuse clues, Lisa thinks about how her dog walker boyfriend never made her lady parts bloom like the Ghost did earlier. I guess the "Gentleman" part of his name is code for "Vagina Arsonist."

The Gentleman Ghost pays Corrigan a visit because that's what gentlemen do, right? They approach their rivals with class, shake their hands, and then threaten to obliterate them from existence. It's why I can never figure out the "man" part of being a man. Even shaking hands is too macho and confrontational for me! How come men aren't expected to grow up and just roll around in a tank full of kittens? I could do that! I'd be the best provider a family ever saw if that were the man's role in a family dynamic! I have to take my work vehicle in to get it worked on to pass the DEQ's smog test and I'm anxious and nervous and completely stressed out because I have to interact with other grownups. Plus what if they can't get the car fixed up to pass the test?! What if it becomes a huge, extended pain in my ass?! Why did my mother and father even bother to bring me into this world?!

Apparently the "Gentleman" part of his name is also code for "Have you ever been with a man? Do you want to?"

Gentleman Jim makes off with Eleanor's mystic necklace but he doesn't get far. Somehow Drake and Corrigan know exactly where he'll be and they ambush him to get the necklace back. The Gentleman Ghost surrenders and offers to tell them his story because this annual has way too many pages. Also, I think the whole point of this annual is to come up with a new mythology for The Gentleman Ghost. Unless it just rehashes the old one. Maybe I should read his Who's Who entry before finishing the annual.

Previously, the Gentleman Ghost was purportedly the ghost of a highway man which traveled through time and sought revenge on those who hanged him by stealing their family jewels. Or something. Now he's a ghost cursed by a witch to do her bidding. She is long dead but he still appears whenever the moon is in the night sky. The necklace was apparently a gift from his true love, the daughter of the witch and the reason he was killed and cursed. Although he's telling the story to buy himself some time so it's probably all untrue. Is he really a ghost?! Maybe he just used trickery and technology to run through walls and pool tables! The only part of his story that's probably true is the part about how charming and sexy he is.

The Ghost throws some drinks in Corrigan's face which doesn't seem polite at all. He steals the necklace and gets away. But The Spectre doesn't like having whisky thrown in his eyes so he decides to start judging any assholes he can find.

Asshole.

Jim Craddock, before he's banished by the Spectre, kept insisting that he wasn't a ghost. No, he was more of a spider monster demon gigolo. But now he's gone which is too bad because Detective Drake probably wanted to do it to him. Corrigan probably did too.

Gotham By Midnight Annual #1 Rating: I'm happy to note this was an annual in the traditional sense of annuals. It was a self-contained story with a guest artist and everything! The only problem was it didn't properly express the spookiness of the regular series which is totally dangerous! What if it gave enough of a taste to lure some people in and then they'll read the monthly and be super freaked out and die?! I almost typed "I hope DC knows what they're doing" and then remembered that they totally don't know what they're doing at all.

Arkham Manor: Endgame #1

Didn't Arkham already deal with Jokerface?

Hey remember in Detective Comics #15 when Clayface raped Poison Ivy and nobody fucking said "Boo!" about it? What a missed opportunity for outrage! It was even a Death in the Family tie-in! Maybe I just never saw any posts about it. It seems like something people would have been concerned about plus they would have felt righteously indignant at something DC Comics put out. Win-win!

Endgame is that story in Batman that has yet to come to a conclusion even though the first week of Convergence books shipped. I think Batman is late! I'm sure they planned it this way for some reason but I'd rather be reading Batman #40 by Scott Snyder than Arkham Manor: Endgame #1 by Frank Tieri. Frank Tieri?! Are you kidding? Didn't he take over on Deathstroke or Team 7 or something? Whatever he wrote so far in The New 52, I wasn't a fan! But then, I'm not a fan of much of anything if it doesn't involve a hand on my penis. Usually my hand but I'll take a raccoon paw with a near thumb if one is free and available.

The issue begins with Harvey Bullock interrogating some guy named Stone about something horrible that happened at Arkham Manor. Let me guess! There was a riot and a bunch of inmates escaped! Nailed it! Probably.

Oh, and this is an Endgame book so they were all Jokerized. Jokerised for my British friends.

I don't actually have any British friends. Although I do have two friends currently living in Britain! Hi Ron and Rob! Smoke a kipper for me or whatever they do over there that isn't too weird.

This is the beginning of the story! Why is Eric Border wearing an inmate's jumpsuit?

I think Stone is lying to Harvey to cover up something horrible Stone did. It's so obvious because that's what Harvey thinks too. And Harvey has a mug that says World's Greatest Detective on it.

Joker opens all the cells and throws a Joker smoke bomb that give great big grins to all of the escapees. Zsasz makes an appearance! And then Bane! And then Clayface! And then Poison Ivy! And then Mr. Freeze! It's an all star cast! All of those Arkhamites except Zsasz were unaffected by the Joker Gas and were looking to find an easy way out. So they recruited Stone to get them out of the Manor. Bane probably should have stayed inside Arkham because he's going to get his ass beat by Killer Croc on the outside. Oh wait. That's Batman Eternal not Endgame. I really need a timeline for this shit!

Also, what is Bane doing in Arkham? Isn't he more of a Blackgate kind of guy?

They try to fight their way to the exit but it's no use because STONE IS FUCKING LYING HIS ASS OFF! I just know it! Bane in Arkham? Ridiculous! When did Arkham start providing rehab?

Where is Jack Shaw when you need him?

The Joker was actually Jeremiah Arkham in a Joker wig. Stone knocks him out cold and all the Jokerized victims stop acting like crazed Jokerized victims. Were they all pretending just to get in good with The Joker? I think this Arkham riot was just a serious case of peer pressure. Bullock and the Gotham SWAT Team show up to get things under control. Which isn't something that would have happened if everybody was truly Jokerized. So I think my peer pressure theory stands.

During the ordeal, Bane and Poison Ivy and Clayface and Mr. Freeze escape. And that's why Harvey's grilling Stone because he thinks Stone helped set them free for some payola. But Harvey figures he can't prove anything and lets him go. But Jeremiah Arkham gets fitted for a straight jacket and shoved into a cell. Who's going to run this place now?

Arkham Manor: Endgame #1 Rating: I don't really rate these one-shots or the annuals or any of these extraneous titles. I like that it starred Harvey Bullock. He should always be the investigator when Arkham Manor returns for more stories. And let him prove to be a great detective at times! But also one that relies on his gut too often and tends to make his own investigations harder than they need to be by ignoring the clues because his gut is all, "Don't worry about evidence, Harvey! Get me a danish! Also, that ugly fucker that looked at you squint-eyed probably did it. And even if he didn't do it, wouldn't you like to rough him up a bit, Harvey? Also, wouldn't you like to put a Kit-Kat in me? Come on! I'm stahvin' 'ere!"

Batman Eternal #46

Fuck Ra's. He's more boring than Hush.

I'm not in the mood for your shit, Ra's al Ghul. So just say your piece by acting superior, point out to Batman that you're not behind all the bullshit in Gotham but even so, you certainly weren't going to fucking pass up the Wayne Enterprises Fire Sale when you saw all of their corporate assets suddenly listed on richassholes.craigslist.org.

The issue begins with Poison Ivy in her summer greenhouse talking to orchids. Unless that's Harley Quinn's vagina in her hand. No, no. It's definitely an orchid. I don't know why this scene begins the comic book. So that Poison Ivy fans know that Pam made it out of Gotham safely? Or is this just foreshadowing of a big Batman versus Poison Ivy arc in the pages of Batman which will take place after Batman Eternal is over? Poison Ivy isn't even wearing anything sexy. "What use is this scene?" comic book fans everywhere ask their limp dicks and their parched vaginas.
[[MORE]]
Judging by the credits page, it looks like Poison Ivy might get more story on pages 7, 8, 17, and 20!

This issue is called "Batman... eternal?" because somebody thinks they're being clever.

Meanwhile, Batman is hunting down Ra's al Ghul because Batman found a bunch of clues. And being the World's Greatest Detective, he sometimes believes that he only ever finds clues and never ever finds red herrings. But I think he's on the wrong track this time. Ra's al Ghul as the big enemy? Pshaw! That's as obvious as finding raccoon turds in the kindergarten sand box.

Watch how you use this word correctly, boys and girls: "He can't mean that literally! Can he?!"

Look, what the fuck do I care? You can all keep on saying stupid shit like "I literally ate a candy bar two hours ago" or "I literally exploded from too much candy." It's literally no skin off my back.

Meanwhile in Blackgate Penitentiary, some inmate tries to pick up Selina Kyle as she passes through by saying, "Are those space pants you're wearing? 'cuz your..." but then he's cut off before he can finish. I assume the end of that line is "Because your ass can't breathe in a vacuum." My favorite pickup line is "Just touch it. Come on. Please."

Selina just ignores him because she has business with her father, Rex "Leo the Lion" Calabrese. But it's boring business so let's move on to Hush and Julia's scene.

Does Julia give Hush fresh bandages every day? Why does he need to keep his face wrapped? Did he cut off his face too?

Back in Pakistan, Ra's al Ghul proves that after living for centuries, the only thing left to say are cliches. So when Batman asks where Ra's al Ghul is, Ra's al Ghul cleverly responds, "Where I am is no longer the question. The question is...when? Ho ho ho hee hee hee. I'm so fucking clever and smarmy and evil." Ra's declares that they are now in Batman's future. So I guess Ra's built a silly funhouse to impress his favorite guest? Animatronic versions of possible future Batmans come sailing into the room on rails while Ra's describes them all for him. "Who will the future Batman be, hmm? Will you be replaced by a monkey bent on vengeance and banana lust? No? Perhaps a wee little teenaged girl with the first actual documented case of penis envy (it's a long story which I've been writing whenever I get a little bit of free time away from world domination)? Perhaps the future you will be my grandson? It will be, right? You're going to do right by that kid and not just abandon him, right! And while we're on the subject of Damian, I've got these cute little boots for him and a scabbard with a demon's head I knitted for him! Do you think he'll like it?"

Once Batman realizes he's just tripping in Ra's al Ghul's Funhouse of Bat-Terror, he notices Mr. Darrk and Lord Death Man have joined him.

I don't know what it is. I'm sure Lord Death Man gets on some people's nerves but I find I never can get enough of him. "Sally Batman"! Oh, that's rich.

Hmm. I think I'm beginning to have an inkling why I can't get enough of him. He's all, "I'm fucking wacky!" And I'm all, "Ha ha! You are, Lord Death Man! You are!"

I wasn't really feeling very good when I began this commentary but Lord Death Man has really picked up my spirits. I'm ready to go out and face the world now! Too bad it's one-thirty in the morning and there's no world to really face. Unless I want to go interact with a bunch of drunks down the street at Mulligan's.

After Batman breaks all of Lord Death Man's breakable body parts, Mister Darrk drags Lord Death Man back to his recuperation room while Ra's al Ghul gets to tell Batman that his detective work has been pretty fucking shoddy. As I pointed out earlier, he's not behind the destruction of Gotham City. If he were involved, at the very least, the Invitations would have been printed with a much fancier font.

He followed the clues! He found them all! Every last clue was his! But alas they were not clues at all. They were the humble red herrings! The humblest fish of them all! And also the detective's worst enemy.

Back in Blackgate, Rex digs up some dirt on the party being thrown in Gotham. Turns out all the local mentally ill ex-residents of Arkham have an angel. Their angel has purchased loads and loads of goodies to help them celebrate with Batman. Poison Ivy is one of them which is why she's cut down her Harley Quinn Vagina Orchids and planted a bunch of Crying Death Mask Lotus Blossoms instead.

Batman Eternal #46 Rating: No change. I was feeling rather shitty before reading this and now I'm feeling slightly less than shitty. The only problem is World's End is next and that knowledge is bringing my mood back down! Would anybody mind if my World's End #20 commentary wound up being a snapshot of it burning in a waste receptacle? I could go the extra mile and just get a picture of me taking a shit on it but I'd need another person to snap that photo and I don't think anybody wants to witness that.

The Penguin #1

This is The Penguin being tricky because everyone was trying not to be shot by the umbrella. Then bang! Ha ha! Real gun!

With Batman gone, The Penguin should be running most of Gotham within the week. Especially since The Court of Owls are all running down into the sewers to set free The First Talon. I don't know why so many of them panicked! The Court of Owls are supposed to be masters of sitting on their nests and biding their time. While they're waiting things out and trying not to get noticed, The Penguin is probably on the phone making dozens of business calls. I hope this issue is just twenty pages of him calling up rivals and offering to protect them from the chaos for a piece of their business. Then when Batman is back, The Penguin will own more real estate than Bruce Wayne.

The issue begins with The Penguin watching the monitors at his casino and thinking about various people that have walked away with some of his money. Big money. But now he's watching three punks running a black jack table for a mere 35 thousand and he's a bit peeved.

DC should open an Iceberg Casino in Las Vegas. That can't fucking seem to do a decent movie without Batman in it. So how about a casino?!

This is a good looking penguin right here. I like seeing him a bit bedraggled. I like when he's drawn with his age showing. And he looks realistically fat here instead of comically fat. He's a man that enjoys the money he has while also being weighed down by the stress of running a criminal organization in Gotham. And the way he's not just worrying about 35 thousand dollars here. He's actively losing his temper over whatever shenanigans he's sensing at the Blackjack table. I have a feeling some punks are about to get the shit kicked out of them. Or worse yet, hauled into a back room in the casino, never to be heard from again.

The Penguin tries to get them to just hand over their winnings and vacate the casino forever. But one of these scam artists is just too smart for his own good. And, according to Emperor Blackgate, that's a bad attribute in Gotham City!

It's seems insulting a man that just got fucked over pretty hard might be a stupid thing to do.

The Penguin escorts these three gentlemen out of his casino and then kills them himself on the back steps of the Casino. He tells Lark (who has probably moved up as his right hand thug since Ogilvy betrayed him) that he hasn't killed anybody in three years. I suppose there hasn't really been any need. He's as big as they come in the criminal underworld in Gotham which means never having to lift a finger. But after Ogilvy's recent takeover, Oswald is in the mood to get a little blood on his hands. And, according to Lark's reaction, he was never going to let these guys leave alive anyway.

I like seeing The Penguin cold blooded and ruthless.

This opening scene was really well done and I hope the rest of the comic lives up to it. The Penguin is pissed and he needs to get the rumors that he's weak under control. The only problem is that I'm too impressed by this opening character sketch to say anything funny about it. And I don't think I've particularly liked anything Frank Tieri has done so far in The New 52. But then again, I think he's only worked on books with Liefeld or taken over after Liefeld clogged the toilets, flooded the bathroom, and ran out on the titles he was writing. So most of what I've read by Frank Tieri has been him sopping up fecal overflow with as many towels as he could find.

The Penguin has the dead guys dumped in front of Gotham Police Headquarters which makes Governor Carter Winston upset. Who fucking cares? You're the Governor whatever state Gotham is located in! Why don't you just go back to ignoring it like you've always done? All of a sudden you care about "your Gotham"? About returning the city to the Gotham in which you grew up? Why don't you leave it up to Mayor Hady? Oh, that's right. Mayor Hady is a gigantic corrupt asshole. So maybe you should start cleaning up Gotham by kicking out the Mayor not by shutting down the Iceberg Casino?

The Penguin isn't worried about the Governor though because the Governor is an old family friend. He apparently protected Oswald when Oswald was being bullied. But now that Oswald is the bully, Carter Winston has had a change of heart. The casino has to go.

I wonder, will The Penguin kill the Governor? Oh I hope so! I hate pretentious politicians that believe they know what everybody else needs! I bet he has a heroin habit that he's not advertising.

But I guess Oswald doesn't have time to figure out if Carter has a heroin habit or something nearly as bad that a self-righteous politician would hate to have exposed to the public. So he creates his own scandal for Carter.

Whoops!

The Penguin drugged Carter with Venom and Carter went on a rampage and killed his assistant. There's also evidence that he was having an affair with her. So it looks like the Iceberg Casino will be staying open! And the Governor can disappear back to whatever city is the capital of whatever state Gotham City is in!

Or, um, maybe not.

I guess you can't argue with those last words! Because, you know, you can't argue with a dead man. But if he wasn't dead, I'd tell him to think up something else to say before he shoots himself. Because the bullies never get it "right." There's nothing to get "right." Are you trying to say that some people will eventually turn really bad so they should be killed by bullies in their youth before they've had a chance to show themselves as good or bad people? I don't know, that's what it seems like you're saying. The bullies didn't "get it right" because you know exactly why they were picking on Oswald: because he was fat and had a freakish nose and waddled and carried an umbrella everywhere. Were those the "right" reasons to bully him? Of course not! And perhaps Oswald became bitter and angry and vile because he was picked on, not just buy bullies, but by society. In every way, he was probably reminded constantly that he wasn't attractive. He was probably passed up for jobs to be filled by better looking people. He probably heard people whispering, laughing, pointing. Every. Fucking. Day. Because bullies aren't just a couple of thick-headed assholes that roam schoolyards looking for the weak and powerless to pick on. Bullies are everywhere. Bullies are just people who don't respect the individuality of another person, writing them off for superficial and shallow reasons. Bullies are people who write shitty comic books and ruin great characters like Superman and the Teen Titans. Unless I got that last one backwards and bullies are people who constantly berate people who write those comic books?

Umm, never mind about that bully stuff. The governor was right! Sometimes bullies get it right! Scott Lobdell sucks!

Penguin #1 Rating: This issue was okay. I liked the opening scene about forty times more than the rest of the book. But it's nice to see Oswald Cobblepot being badass and taking charge of his life and his city. I think my favorite part of this issue was the way the Penguin looked in many of the panels. It's nice to see an older character that doesn't look perfect in tights gracing the pages of a comic book, even if he is a despicable murderer. The way he looked weathered and tired just nailed it for me.

Catwoman Annual #1

Do gang wars still make for interesting stories? The last gang war I was interested in reading about was written in 1594.

The Penguin Gang War begins in the Badlands of Gotham City. They're called the Badlands because they're composed of land that has gone bad. It happens when too many dead people are buried in one place. The soil spoils. And then everything develops this psychic funk and only poor people and criminals are hardy enough to live there. Bruce Wayne would love to buy up all of the old buildings and turn them into condominiums and make a huge profit while displacing hundreds of poor residents, but he can't do it because the land has gone so bad. Not one rich person would invest in the property. It must work that way or else Batman would have already bought up all this great land that's not earning its potential due to government subsidized housing.

So the Penguin Gang is involved in this war because the missiles that are bearing down on the Rat Tales (Woo-ooo!) gang member are shaped and painted like little penguins. They're practically penguns! As these penguin missiles are flying (Ann Nocenti! Penguins can't fly! Sheesh!) through the air, Catwoman is swinging into town using her whip like a Batgrapple. Fuck, why not? Everybody else in Gotham swings from building to building. In the background, a suspicious ice cream truck delivers ice cream to kids and other highly suspicious activities. Who would bring their ice cream truck into the Badlands?! Worst business owner ever! But probably a good undercover assassin and/or police officer!

I hope Ann Nocenti informs us of an urban legend about sneakers on wires while passing it off as a fact!

And on the next page, she does! I know you so well, my lovely little Annie-poo.

I like how she leads with the myths but then covers her bases with the reality of it. "Ever wonder why cars drive around without their headlights on? It's because they want to kill you when you flash them. Or they're drunk. But most of the time, they just forgot." "Ever wonder why you see sweaters in the gutter? Because people throw them there sometimes!"

I was hit by a car once and I kept my shoes on because I'm a fucking rebel.

Back to Catwoman, I guess she came to the Badlands because she's tired of stealing shit and she wants to get into the social welfare game. She's going to save these Rat-Tales (Woo-ooo!) whether they want saving or not! This one kid didn't need saving though because he was like a car on black ice! That means he was out of control, in case you didn't get the reference. Ann Nocenti didn't think you would get the reference so she over-explained it so I thought I would over-explain it as well! I probably have dumber readers than she does, so I can never be too careful! I don't want to confuse any of you. Am I typing too fast?

Oh! Here's why Catwoman was in the Badlands in her own meows!

I wonder who knows Catwoman's cell phone number? I wonder where Catwoman keeps her cell phone? Probably in her boobs. I mean boots! I meant boots! Once when I was Captain Cold and I was throwing a large get-together in my secret ice lair, Blossom of the Power Puff Girls (Age 28, from the future) told Death of The Endless that she should come down stairs to see her boots. But Samurai Stickman thought she said "boobs" and almost killed himself when he rushed down the stairs to get a glimpse and slipped on a patch of ice. How many warnings does a super villain have to give his guests? I'm Captain Fucking Cold, Motherfuckers! Watch your step!

The Rat Tales (Woo-oo!) leader asks Catwoman to be his Second (which means the guy that will drive the car for him if he gets conked on the head while picking up a penny) but Catwoman describes how she's at a point in her life where she feels working by herself is in the best interests of everybody. Then they run from the police giggling and screaming.

"Later at the Gotham City Police Department Headquarters," Detective Alvarez and Detective I Hate Poor People argue about whether to beat up on some poor kids or ask them some questions. Either way, they want information on why people in tuxedos are beating up on Rat Tales (Woo-oo!). And when I say they "argue," I actually mean they each hold one side of two different conversations while raising their voices and pointing at each other. Maybe they really aren't talking to each other! Maybe they're both wearing bluetooth devices in the ear that I can't see because it's on the side of the panel facing away from the reader.

Even though Alvarez didn't say anything about talking to anyone, they are using each others' names. And if this were dialogue from Keith Giffen, I'd probably let it slide because it does make sense if you want to ignore all of the other times that two people speak at instead of to each other in Nocenti's books.

Selina is back at her apartment watching the live feed from the camera she stuck under Alvarez's desk. Luckily she's not simply getting more crotch shots of Alvarez as he masturbates during lunch. This time she struck gold! She gets to hear all the leads the cops have on this gang war case!

"NO! NO! Don't put your Trench Coat of Silence over the camera, you cigar smoking twat!"

I guess since it's a comic book, once Harvey blocks the camera, Selina can no longer read their speech bubbles. So now she's going to have to find her own lead on this case!

Selina doesn't get to hear Bullock's conclusion that the men in nice outfits are The Penguin's men and that means The Penguin is behind all the shoes hanging from all the wires. She also misses Detective Poor People Are Assholes do her best police work when she claims Catwoman is the prime suspect in the murder! I think her main evidence is "look at the size of her tits." She doesn't say that but it's a compelling argument.

Oh! I forgot the theme song for this issue:

Life is like a wrecked train! Here in Gotham!
Murderers and the insane! It's a bedlam!
Might meet the Batman! He'll kick your ass, man!

Butt Fails! (BRRRRT BRRT!)
Every time I watch this show my butt fails! (BRRRRT BRRT!)
Oops, I think I meant to say the Rat Tales! (Squee-eeek!)

That's all the theme song it gets. Two stanzas. I almost said one stanza and one refrain but it's not really a refrain if I never re frain it!

Meanwhile The Penguin has built another penguin shaped rocket that only homes in on Catwoman shaped objects! And he's telling Gwen about it because Gwen's the most likely person to tell Catwoman! Wait. That sounds like a bad plan! I must not know the important part of the plan that relies on Gwen telling Catwoman that The Penguin is a mean jerk-faced butthole.

Oh look! There they go again, explaining their reasons after I've already done all of my speculation! I'm glad I already speculated about him being a jerk-faced butthole because I nailed that one! Hmm, that sounds uncomfortable.

The Penguin also hires Hypnoto for some reason or another. I also don't think his name is actually Hypnoto but I can't remember what it is. I think he's one of the new mob bosses like Gas Flask Head and Mr. Toxicity. Those aren't their real names either.

Meanwhile in the Gotham City Police Department Headquarter's Morgue (whew!) Detective Poor People Stink is still trying to frame the murder on Catwoman. But the Cadaverologist informs them that the recent dead Rat Tale (Woo-oo!) died from mysterious wounds. Which is a total lie because the things he says in his first speech bubble don't add up and make it seem like an incomprehensible mystery! It's only when he reaches his third speech bubble that he reveals he's a master of the false set-up and actually has seen these mortal wounds before! That's when Bullock jumps in and starts trying to pin the murder on the person he wants to be the murderer, The Penguin! It's like each detective just picks somebody at random and then tries to make the facts fit so they can convict their pony. Boy, wouldn't it be crazy if this is how real police work were done!

....

That beat there was to give you time to tilt your head to the side and think, "But that's the way it is done!" and then to realize that that's what I meant and then to rerealize that I'm just s stupid idiot for thinking it because you're an internet reader and every reaction you have must be equal and opposite to my reaction! It's like a universal law to prove how the reader is more intelligent than the writer. That's why forums exist! So writers can always be told that they're stupid morons!

But we need it! Because every writer knows they're better and smarter and less dumb and not quite as stupid as everybody else ever! It's why that whole "books are better than television" lie continues to persist. If you write "Books are better than television," it must be true because writing is smart! But television can't announce that books are dumb because books already own that stratagem. Except now the world is full of nearly two grown generations that only read the internet and everybody knows the internet is even dumber than television!

Now my feelings are hurt! I'm so stupid. I read Catwoman, therefore I'm dumb.

Oh shit! Before I distracted myself, I was going to scan this panel with Bullock:

And to think I refrained from calling you a fat fuck earlier! I opted for "twat" instead. You, sir, are the pot smoker calling the kettle chip eater fat.

And then I solve the case because I knew no Ice Cream man would be fucking driving around the Badlands with all that cash and sweet, sweet cream! He's the fucking murderer! It's the Ice Cream Man! Don't stop him when he's passing by! Because he'll kill you!

Now is the part where I gather everybody into the room to tell them how I solved the murder. See, it goes like this. I saw the ice cream man in a bad neighborhood. But ice cream men never go into bad neighborhoods! That was my first clue! My second clue was the black Popsicle Detective Burn the Poor Neighborhoods Down was eating. I noticed this because I had to wonder: "Who the fuck eats black Popsicles?" And my third clue was the dead woman in the morgue! The Cadaverologist pointed out that she had eaten something black just before dying! And while she is poor and she might have been eating feces, the other clues point to something different! Something sinister! Delicious Death Delivered Daily! THE ICE CREAM MAN COMETH! I think there is a fourth clue as well in that a minority of penguins (albeit the most popular ones!) like ice and cold and snow and Ice Cream is best made with ice and cold and sno-cones. And maybe a fifth clue in that the name of the story is "Black Ice." But I can't count that clue since the characters don't have access to it! Now, do I have to read the rest of this annual now that I figured out how The Penguin is killing everyone?

Detective Alvarez and his partner, Detective 1%er, begin canvassing the Badlands to ask witnesses questions. And just when everyone is conveniently mentioning the Ice Cream Truck, it tears around the corner firing bullets and shooting missile pops! I think I also heard it mumble, "I would have gotten away with it if not for those pesky homeless guys!" Although I think it's just a coincidence and the Ice Cream Truck was coming by to kill the earlier victim's last known relative. That Ice Cream Truck can really hold a fucking grudge.

Worst detective ever! "The murderer weighed half a ton, was eight feet tall, white, and went 'ding a ling a ling'. It must be Catwoman!" Maybe if Catwoman wore white, I might think the description was close enough. Insulting, maybe! But close enough!

After Catwoman disarms the police, she tells them they should investigate the Black Ice. Oh! Well my fucking mistake! I guess Catwoman can read the titles of the comic book!

Now Catwoman just has to not get blown up. She finds a girl named Alice that lives "down under" to build a cape that deflects drones or something. Catwoman makes a point of wondering about the "down under" place Alice lives. I suppose she lives down with the goblin that was disappointed to see Catwoman leaving the Arkham Sewers so soon. This Alice is a whiz at making steampunk gadgets because the "down under" probably only ever advanced to steam technologies based on the venting pipes they live amongst. It totally makes sense and I can't wait until Catwoman has a grand adventure in the "Down Under" where she'll probably have a sexual liaison with the Cheshire Cat.

Now Catwoman decides to stand on top of a roof and thinks nonsense.

Excuse me: thinks poetry.

Once the missile homes in on Catwoman, she tries to shoot it with her gun that programs it to go back home. But the gun doesn't work. So Catwoman seduces the missile to buy time so she can call Alice and find out what's wrong with the gun. Dammit! I didn't get to see where she kept her phone! Anyway, Alice asks if Catwoman took off the safety.

Oh, fuck you, Alice! Why the hell would this gun need a safety?! Hmm, don't want it accidentally going off and shooting yourself in the vagina, causing your vagina to no longer want dick! Is that how it works? I wonder what would happen if I shot my butt with it?

Anyway, Catwoman shoots the missile and it gives up and heads home, blowing the crap out of The Penguin's henchmen and his cuffs.

There she goes! Acting like a Batperson again!

Catwoman swings into The Penguin's rooftop drone control headquarters where the Evil Ice Cream Truck is parked. I know why it's parked on the roof! So that Catwoman can have access to the Black Ice Popsicles and try to force The Penguin to eat one! But I don't know HOW it's parked up there! What an inconvenient place to store it! But then Ann Nocenti doesn't seem to understand that cars drive mostly at street level. She's the one that had The Joker driving a truck on some girders. And now the Evil Ice Cream Truck parks in a rooftop garage. Only the best for The Penguin's murdering vehicles! I love comic books with whimsy but shit in my mouth and call me Honey Wagon, I can't accept Looney Tunes levels of whimsy! The Ice Cream Truck isn't so bad. The Penguin is an odd duck. I get it. He likes to park on the top floor or the roof! But The Joker's truck that drives on girders of unfinished skyscrapers was pretty silly.

Catwoman can do a lot of things but she fails at the easiest thing in the world: getting The Penguin to eat! Instead, Catwoman is tackled by The Penguin's thugs and forced to look at Mr. Hypnoto! She's frozen and shackled and brought to The Penguin's aviary for another edition of Ann Nocenti's Knowledge Fun Farm!

"Hello children! What time is it?! I said what fucking time is it, you stupid bastards! Sorry, sorry. Aunt Ann had a bad day today. I learned that baby eagles have to fight to the death because the mother eagle is too lazy to care for two chicks! I know, it's harsh, isn't it? Now you see why Aunt Ann has a drinking problem and cusses a lot. She's really angry at Mother Nature's cruelty, kids. Hey! I've got an idea! Any brothers and sisters out there? Want to ease your parents' burden? How about we start a new feature on Ann Nocenti's Knowledge Fun Farm called 'Fight to the Death so Mom Doesn't Have to Work so Hard!' Why should humans be above Pandas?! You know what Pandas do, don't you, kids? They throw one cub away if they bear two! That was a pun, you ungrateful shits! But Guinea Hens are the most like humans! They try to outrun their lovely burdens! Isn't nature awesome in its majesty? Now fuck off while Aunt Ann cries in her coffee flavored vodka, you Goddamned runts."

The Penguin obviously has selfish reasons for wanting nature to treat runts differently. So he tries to explain to Catwoman how he isn't big or powerful or good looking but he has other skills. And it really hurts the illusion that he isn't just an overblown runt eagle when Catwoman goes around stealing his mother's jewels and not paying him kickbacks. She can understand that, can't she? I mean, she's a cat and all so she's kind of above all of this. But can't she just play along so the other crime bosses don't suddenly stop and think, "What the fuck are we afraid of The Penguin for?!"

The Penguin tries to bond with Catwoman over being a couple of freaks who desperately needed their mother's love and attention but Catwoman gets hung up on pointing out some thing called Original Trauma. I think I blew my Knowledge Fun Farm facts too early!

Is "freak" technical jargon?

Because The Penguin doesn't get to the point quickly enough because he has so many, many fun facts to give away, Catwoman manages to hypnotize everybody with Mr. Hypnoto's Hypno-hypnotic powers! Then she chokes, kicks, and beats them for good measure before she threatens The Penguin to leave her alone and makes her escape. On the way out of The Penguin's Aviary, she notices another one of those Rook Statues that lead to the Down Under! I can't fucking wait for that story!

Penguin's actions drive Catwoman to work with the Rat Tales (Woo-oo!) while The Penguin decides a full out war on Catwoman and the Badlands is what this comic book needs. Detective I Hate This Detective decides to harass Catwoman as much as she can because she can't solve her case. And Bullock brings the Black Ice Toxicology reports to Mayor Hady whose probably in on the drug scam and will bury the evidence. And all this excitement is just the beginning! Stay tuned for more Knowledge Fun Farm Fun Facts in Catwoman #21!

Catwoman Annual #1 Rating: Autoerotic Original Trauma. That may or may not be a good thing. I suppose it's all about perspective.