Action Comics #50

I got the special Ruin the Original Cover With Adverts Variant!

Action Comics #50 Rating: No change.

Twitter would be better if it didn't allow people to comment on other people's tweets. Fully 95% of people should just stop having opinions because their opinions are boring, uninteresting, and poorly thought out. Most Reply Jokes on Twitter are just people restating the original joke in an unsubtle way and thinking that they're fucking hilarious. But I guess replying to people is the entire point of Twitter anyway. Nobody really fucking cares what anybody else has to say anyway. They just want a forum to spew their narcissistic thoughts to the other narcissists who aren't listening anyway. We know this is true because anybody who follows more than around fifty people can't be paying any attention to what the people they're following are tweeting. People who follow hundreds or thousands of other people on Twitter may as well be following nobody because their Twitter feed is now just white noise from the thousands of posts scrolling through their feed every minute.

Tumblr would be better if most of the people using Tumblr didn't exist. Fully 95% of the people on Tumblr are cats willingly walking into a room full of people in rocking chairs trying to get their tails under one of the rails so they can scream and hiss at the person having a lovely day rocking. They're people desperate to have a condition in the DSM to use as armor against any kind of criticism while at the same time moaning about how the DSM has now labeled their cognitive state as a disorder. They're kids rushing toward androgyny so that they can spit in the face of anybody who honestly misgenders them with no malice intended. They're a generation who seem to believe the greatest power they can wield is crushing free speech by ridiculing those who actually understand why it's important. You guys, they literally believe the word literally makes everything literally more literal.

Facebook would be better if it just didn't exist. Do I really need to know how many of my relatives are mean-spirited racist assholes or easily hurt downers with a mental state more fragile than their collection of crystal unicorns? How many hours of inner contemplation and self-betterment are lost to shitty games with Saga or Ville in the title? A little piece of my metaphorical soul dies every time I see any "news" story on the Trending Sidebar. And what is Facebook really used for anyway? It's pretty much just Birth Announcements and Pet Obituaries.

Blogs would be better if the people running the blogs stopped writing them as if they're speaking to an audience. Because--let's face the horribly unjust facts of my life--nobody is reading anything on the internet unless it's so they can reply with their own opinions on the topic of the blog. Nobody is entertained by other people's thoughts anymore. They just want a forum to spew forth their unwanted and probably unwashed opinions. Which is why I'm going to stop offering any and all opinions on everything. Because nobody fucking gives a shit. They just look at the title of the post and scroll down to the Comments section where they can tell me what they thought of the comic in the title. One of first people who began commenting on my blog eventually became somebody that I was glad to see commenting and with whom I eventually enjoyed interacting. But when he first began commenting? I was fucking annoyed with him! He began by simply posting his own reviews of the comic books in the comments section! I'd rather have people swinging by calling me "Lead Twat" and then getting super pissed off at me for "personal attacks" when I shot back at them and called them a dum-dum! But that's part of the problem as well! People who do actually react to my "reviews" might take them personally and then personally attack me in the comments because they feel justified. So they tend to think I fired the first shot when I can hardly even remember what stupid shit I typed the day after I typed it!

None of this has anything to do with Action Comics. But then, most of what I've written in my "comic book reviews" has very little to do with the actual comic! If you want a real review, there are plenty of shit people writing dishonest reviews because they're so afraid of pissing off any of the creators they may have once met at a con and now think of as a personal friend. Here's a quote from the Weird Science blog's Telos #6 Review to show I did the least amount of research as possible to back up my point: "I hate saying all of this because Jeff King could possibly be the nicest dude in the world and if not the nicest, he's definitely in the running......... I just don't like this series." Why does that guy use so many periods? Doesn't he know there are kids in Africa who can't end their sentences without sounding too excited or unsure because of his waste?

Regarding that last paragraph, I suppose that wasn't a dishonest review. But you can see the writer's trepidation in voicing an honest opinion because he didn't want to hurt Jeff King's feelings. Look, Eric (I think that was his name)! Don't worry about hurting a creator's feelings! They received a nice paycheck to compensate them for the amount of internet shit they're going to get over every single stupid thing they write. You know why I don't mind calling Scott Lobdell the poster child for the dangers of unsafe sex? Because he's fucking swimming in X-men cash! He doesn't give a shit what I have to say because he's got the greatest shield in the world: scads and scads of money! If he really cared about criticism, he'd stop writing garbage, right?! The only writing he really fucking seems to care about is when he's endorsing his checks at the bank. And even then, I bet his signature is mostly a line. Wait! I can actually verify that! Let me see. Where is the Big Book of First Issues he unwittingly signed for me as I stood there thinking, "You write shit, mate." Oh! Here it is beside me. Let me have a look . . . yep. Mostly a line. He can't even be bothered with his own name!

All of this is to say nothing because here I am writing a blog on the internet, posting on Tumblr, linking it to Twitter, and, occasionally, sending it over to Facebook so my friends and family can think, "What the fuck is this asshole doing with his life?" Here are my shit opinions on what is primarily shit pop culture, internet! Suck it!

A lot of the worst New 52/DC You material has just been ideas cobbled from Young Justice episodes but done much worse.

It's not that Young Justice didn't take ideas from pre-existing DC Comic book stories as well. It's just that they incorporated previous DC History into a show that took the DC Universe in its own direction (you know, an interesting one). So they took the Glorious Godfrey idea of turning the masses against the heroes and they took the whole metagene Bloodlines thing and they threw them in the Young Justice slow cooker as part of the big story. But I can't help feeling that this whole House of Dawn thing is a bit too reminiscent of Young Justice: Invasion where Vandal Savage and a host of other baddies created a secret society to turn a bunch of humans into superbeings whom they could control in an effort to take over the world. The bad guys even have a similar name for the group since in the cartoon it's The Light and here it's Dawn Command. Or Savage Dawn. Or Dawn of the Dum-Dums.

Luckily for those people who haven't been writing a blog about comic books to help them remember everything that has been going on in every monthly title DC puts out, Vandal Savage recounts the events of the Superman titles across the last year. He doesn't tie them together as neatly as he should because they don't really tie together that neatly. When all the events are mentioned quickly in the space of a couple of pages though, it sounds sort of like he had a plan that made sense. The gist of it is that Superman lost his powers and Vandal Savage drained them. With the power he stole from Superman that he could have just taken directly from the sun and in bigger quantities although that story would have been boring shit, Vandal has merged the JLA Watchtower with the Fortress of Solitude with The Eye of the Storm to create a comet magnet. Now he's going to capture the comet that gave him his powers so that he can have more power than even the power he stole from Superman or could have taken directly from the sun. And he's captured the entire Justice League so nobody can stop him now!

I mean, Superman will probably stop him. But probably not in this issue. That will probably happen in Superman #50.

Just fucking use solar power already! Stop bothering with the negligible amount of energy in Lex Luthor's fat cells. He got all of that energy from the sun to begin with!

I've never understood power as the motivation for being an evil villain. Why would anybody want to bother? Vandal Savage is immortal and has the resources to live any kind of unfettered life he'd like to live. But he'd rather spend his time causing all of this drama? I guess the power of the comet is like super-heroin.

Meanwhile, Superman is now powered by Kryptonite. It's a comic book so it doesn't have to make sense. All a comic book has to do is present an idea while raising its eyebrows and going, "Hunh? Hunh? Never thought of that before, did you?!" The idea this time is "What if Superman used Kryptonite as chemotherapy?!?!?!?!?!" I had to add all of the extra punctuation because that's how I imagine the idea was presented at the yearly "What the fuck kind of stupid ass stories are we going to put Superman in this year?" corporate board meeting.

Vandal Savage shoots Superman out of the sky while Kal is using his new Kryptonite Flight Power which works differently than his Yellow Sun Flight Power.

Batman finishes the "more importantly" statement with "he always has friends" and I sprain my wrist doing a jerking off motion.

So basically Superman's plan is to have friends. Is that really a solid plan? I currently have a friend on Facebook asking her friends for help moving and apparently nobody is responding because she sent out the second message after the plea for help which is always the "shame on you all for not helping me" message. I bet that really got everybody running to the door to help out! I suppose I could have volunteered to help but my plan is not to have friends. My plan is to do everything myself and only interact with other people when I absolutely have to.

Yeah because that would have been a dick thing to say! "Hey, friends! You're my back-up plan! But know this: there's no chance you're going to be able to do anything if me and the Justice League couldn't! Pathetic B-List losers!"

Superman's plan to have friends means he has to save his friends. So that might be a bit of a flaw in his plan. It's why he had a secret identity! So his friends don't get in the way of his plans! But now Vandal Savage has to punch Superman a whole bunch of times because Vandal's plan is to distract Superman with punches until the next part of the plan takes place. The next part is when the comet is close enough to Earth to turn all of Savage's offspring into super assholes.

All of Superman's friends ask themselves, "What would Superman do?" And the answer to that is "throw his life away by relying on friends instead of making plans." So they all stick around Metropolis as the Eye of the Storm begins crashing into it. If I were one of Superman's friends, I'd ask myself, "Which one of us can stop that fucking comet since that's Vandal's main plan? Shouldn't Green Lantern be stopping it or something instead of just battling Vandal on his ship? I mean, if you stop the comet, you stop his plans. So, um, you know. Someone? Zatanna maybe? She can say "Comet be gone!" backwards, right?"

Vandal begins to show compassion for his children this issue because it mirrors Superman's feelings for his friends. But Vandal is just using them for his own ends while Superman . . . well, Superman is technically using his friends for his own ends too. Except his ends aren't selfish so it's okay to manipulate people towards his goals. I mean, not that he's manipulating them! He's, um, inspiring them! Inspiring them to be great enough to throw their lives away! If I were Jimmy Olsen, I would be inspired to call Green Lantern to stop that comet.

Vandal sends his children on a shuttle towards the comet to see if he'll survive close proximity to it. He and Superman are also on the shuttle. I mean, they're literally on the shuttle and not in it like the passengers are. Vandal shoots Superman and kills him while Vandal hops off the shuttle to land on the ground in a broken, immortal heap. I'm sure he'll be fine by Superman #50. Superman, meanwhile, falls into the Fortress of Solitude which finally recognizes him and restores him to greatness. So that's all he needed to get his powers back? Find somebody who could lift that stupid oversized key to unlock the Fortress and let him in?

Now that Superman has his powers back, he doesn't need his friends because he can just punch his way through all of his problems. And now that Vandal's children have become super children thanks to the comet, their plan is to punch their way through the problem (which is Superman). So even with all the talk of needing plans to win, it's all going to come down to a slugfest anyway. Oh comic books. Don't ever change. And by that I mean change. Fucking just change already. I'm tired of your shit.

Catwoman #46

Tweety Bird's feet look like vaginas. I think.

This Catwoman comic book's theme should be based on this piece of mail I received when I was nineteen years old from a girl I had a huge crush on for years but had recently decided to cut off all contact with her because I just couldn't deal with it anymore.

Tess
Hi. Yeh, it's me. I know yer pissed at me + think I'm a bitch. Until last night I wasn't exactly sure why, but I think I've got it. :( Tess why haven't ya said anything to me? Why did ya just avoid me + not bring it up to me?! I know I don't do everyting right, O.K. I rarely do anything right. But shit Tess it's me, everyone should except that all I know how to do is fuck up. Are you ever gonna forgive me? None of this is comin' out like I wanted. I'm not even gettin' out what I wanna say. I know I should be talkin' to ya in person but I can't. For one I never see ya + for two, I'm basically a chickenshit. I can see why ya could/are mad about it but why? I mean why did it piss ya off so much, I mean shit, ya said so yourself on the way to the Poison concert; you don't care what I do! Fuck Tess it hurts like hell for ya to be so pissed at me, but what the hell can I do? I can't take it back, I can't change the fact it happened; it's done + over w/ already. I could apologize + say it won't happen again, but I don't think that'de help + I'm more than apt to fuck up + do it (or something similar) again later on in life and that'de make it worse. Well shit, I'm sure yer still as pissed as before, but all I can say is I'm sorry! Bye.
Otessa (A.K.A. Bitch)

After getting this letter, I hugged Otessa the next time I saw her and maybe apologized. Twenty plus years later and I still have no idea what she was apologizing for or why she thought I was mad at her. I wonder if she killed somebody! I really was just cutting myself off because she didn't love me and I loved her and I just couldn't deal with it anymore. The most embarrassing part of this letter (for both of us!) is that it mentions how we went to a Poison concert. Holy crap I got wasted at that concert. I did tell her I don't care what she does but that was kind of like the moment at the end of Harry and the Hendersons where John Lithgow tells Bigfoot that he doesn't really want to sleep with him at all and actually doesn't care what he does because Lithgow knows that Harry will never sleep with him anyway. So instead he drank a pint of Jack Daniels and then acted like an obnoxious jerk in the mosh pit at the Poison concert. It's probably a good thing I barely remember that show.

Don't need nothing! But a good time! How can I resist?! Don't need nothing! But a good time! And it don't get better than this! PUKE!

This issue begins with Eiko having a party in which the surprise guest is DEATH! Death to all of the heads of the families at the party! It sounds like it's going to be a pretty shitty party. It sounds like it's almost going to be as bad as the party my cousin threw for a bunch of her twelve year old friends where I (fourteen years old) lip-synched to nearly the entirety of Huey Lewis's album, "Fore!" Holy shit that's more embarrassing than admitting I went to a Poison concert! Worse yet, I was wearing the kind of funky Hawaiian shirt that isn't Hawaiian at all but sort of hangs like one but had shapes and wavy lines and pastels in the way 80s shirts had those things? None of them kissed me at all during that party.

Stephanie Brown doesn't like the idea that the party is about killing people because she just wants to meet a cute guy and say, "Spoiler alert! I want your dick inside of me!"

I tawt I saw a pussy twat! I did! I did see a pussy twat!

Stephanie Brown learns that somebody else came along and shot Bill Turner in the face after she thought she'd killed him by closing her eyes, turning her head, and slapping at him wildly. Don't side-eye me like that! That's how girl's fight! I should know because I've fought my fair share of them! Mostly I pick fights with women just so I can feel some skin to skin contact with them. It's heavenly! Sometimes when they pin me to the ground and pound me in the face over and over again, they don't realize how exciting it is that they're straddling me! I'm pretty sure that counts as having had sex, right?

Catwoman rushes off to stop crash Eiko's party but she's too late. Everybody is dead! That means it's time for Selina and Eiko to either fight or fuck. No wait! There's always the third and best choice of all: it's FUCKFIGHT time!

Eiko has been wandering around the party with a dildo shoved up her fanny?

This probably isn't the least sexist thing I've ever said but the previously scanned panel will probably cause me to masturbate later.

Selina and Eiko fuckfight across a whole bunch of other panels worth masturbating to as well (although the one with the metal something shoved up Eiko is still the best). Eventually Selina decides to leave and allows Eiko to make a run for it so she can evade prison. But Selina still needs to make sure her cousin Antonia is safe before she leaves the mob life behind her and gets caught up in Frank Tieri's awful stories that will probably be as bad as Nocenti's stories. Although I have a feeling that Tieri's stories will, at the least, make sense. Nocenti writes as if she expect the reader to be on peyote.

With the death of all the heads of the minor gangs and families, Eiko has ensured peace throughout Gotham. The heads that are left--Cobblepot, Calabrese, Hasigawa--are eager to keep the peace. Catwoman leaves Gotham for awhile because nobody wants Frank Tieri fucking up Catwoman and Gotham! Maybe she'll go to Toronto. Nobody cares if Tieri screws up the DC Youniverse's version of Toronto, right?!

Catwoman #46 Rating: No change. Catwoman is no longer a mobster! Yay! But Catwoman is no longer going to be written by Genevieve Valentine! Boo! Now she'll be written by Frank Tieri! Double boo! Catwoman will be adventuring outside of Gotham for awhile! Yay! I only say "yay" to that because it doesn't matter if she's in Gotham while Bruce is playing house with Julie Madison and not lecturing Selina about how she shouldn't crime all of the time while she sucks his dick. Hopefully when Bruce gets his Batman back (because Julie Madison either dies or betrays him!), he'll be a kinder, gentler Bruce who finally realizes how horribly he's been treating Selina and how much he wants to give her an adult massage without any kind of lecture or reciprocation. That's true love!

Catwoman #45

I bet my collection of Catwoman comics has more variant covers than regular covers.

Frank Tieri's name still isn't on the cover so don't take this issue for granted, jerkos! Pretty soon, Frank Tieri will be turning in a script with Catwoman getting caught stealing a huge diamond by Batman and Catwoman will be all, "You're so gay!" And Batman is going to be all, "Am not! You're gay!" And Catwoman will be all, "Make sure you realize when I call you gay that it isn't a fact or a compliment! It's my attempt to dehumanize and humiliate you by pointing out that you're a homosexual because it is embarrassing and bad to be a homosexual!" And Batman will be all, "Eww! I'll get you, Catwoman!" And Catwoman will be all, "No you will not because you are gay and my ass is not a man ass but a hot female ass that does not turn you on at all. Because you are gay." Then the editors at DC Comics will read Frank Tieri's script and say, "Good job, Frank. This is not offensive at all. For once the internet will not be angry at a comic book we publish! Just make sure the colorist does not accidentally make any black people white. Hoo boy, did we take it in the ass on mistakes like that the way a gay person would take it in the ass from another gay person."

Sure, you wince now and think, "Jesus Christ, Tess! That's ridiculous!" But soon you will read the first Frank Tieri Catwoman issue and you will remember this and you will think, "Holy fuck! Tess really is a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader and not an offensive prick for no reason like I totally believed and still kind of believe since I believed it once and why would I ever doubt what I believed even if the truth stared me in the face and asked me to fuck it in its mouth?"

Now I can't wait for Frank Tieri to start writing this book! Hurry up and run out of old epistles, Genevieve!

I really hope Genevieve got the go-ahead to kill Roman Sionis.

After the funeral, Eiko burns her Catwoman suit because she was not very good at being Catwoman. She was pretty good at getting shot and falling off of a building and being saved by Killer Croc. But she was terrible at stealing diamonds and fucking Batman.

Catwoman visits Eiko to make sure she's okay. Eiko isn't too keen on Selina anymore so nobody kisses anybody in that way that my male gaze definitely wants them to kiss. Instead Eiko points out that she's going to destroy the Black Mask. But Selina is worried that if Eiko does that, she'll be the next big target of all the gangs. I guess that means Catwoman is going to have to kill Black Mask! Preferably with an umbrella so she can blame it on The Penguin.

Antonia cements her alliance with The Penguin even without cutting off Selina's head. I guess that's important? I'll just add it to the pile of machinations and double dealings that I'm not really following very well. I guess anybody allied against Black Hand is a good thing. Hell, with Eiko after him, I'm not sure any clans are left who are supporting Black Hand.

Black Hand sending thugs to beat up kids in an after school program doesn't make a lot of sense but it does allow for a Bruce Wayne cameo.

Black Hand goes to see The Penguin to shore up his territory and The Penguin tells Black Mask to hide in his escape tunnel while he gets the Forster Lane Gangs in line. Once Black Mask enters the tunnel, The Penguin locks him in with Catwoman. Yay! Although Roman didn't say, "Et tu, Oswald?"

Catwoman now has a bigger super villain kill count than New Suicide Squad.

Or maybe not. Sionis crawls back through the tunnels bleeding on everything and runs into The Penguin. The Penguin trades Sionis his life for Sionis's entire stake in Gotham. And he tells Sionis to disappear. Forever. Or at least until somebody writing Detective Comics comes up with a cool story involving Black Mask.

Eiko takes over the Hasigawa Clan and plans to hit the lesser gangs surrounding her turf hard so they know she's serious. I think that leaves one more Valentine issue before Tieri which means maybe Sionis will think twice about his Penguin deal and return only to get killed. Or maybe Eiko is going to get herself killed. How am I supposed to guess how this entire thing will end when I don't even know what's been going on for the last year?!

Catwoman #45 Rating: No change. Only one more issue of Selina Kyle having anything to do with the Gotham mob bosses and then you'll never hear about it again! Well, maybe in the pages of Batman and Robin Eternal. But I'm pretty sure Frank Tieri hasn't been keeping up with Valentine's run of Catwoman. He'll probably decide he's writing a powerful woman character so he'll start off by having her beat up some men who whistle at her. Then she'll steal a diamond but realize that it was a trap and she'll find herself in some kind of burglar intrigue! Also her bosoms will practically be overflowing out of her suit. Can Tieri write that into the script so that the new artist knows how to draw Catwoman's outfit? I think the only thing the artist needs to remember is that it doesn't zip up all the way. My head really fucking hurts right now so that's the best I can do.

Catwoman #44

This is what the Lantern Corps need! A cat on every team!

If Spoiler winds up taking the job as Catwoman's sidekick, I'm afraid she's going to have to change her name to Pussygirl. There's just no getting around it. Especially if Frank Tieri is taking on the writing gig after Genevieve Valentine. He's the perfect writer to set up that story arc that nobody else would ever set up! Because he's not very good at writing. He's also bad at writing. Plus he thinks emasculating a man by accusing him of looking at gay porn is an acceptable way of dehumanizing a person. It might be if those two people are really good friends and in junior high. Or really good friends who met in junior high and are now forty year olds named Doom Bunny and Grunion Guy. But it's not acceptable any other time for reasons which I won't go into because I can't remember why it's bad. Maybe this guy Rusty (unless his name is John!) can remember. I seem to remember he knows a lot about etiquette and proper standards of behavior. If you have any questions for him, you can send queries to trentresin_666@hotmail.com. But be polite! You wouldn't start letters to Ann Landers with remarks like "You're a huge piece of shit, Rusty, and I hate you forever for what you did to me that time!" That's just uncalled for. Although feel free to point out that The Boondock Saints was an awful movie and the opinions of anybody who liked it aren't worth the time to send an email asking them their opinions.

This issue begins with Catwoman headed into the sewers to recover Eiko from Killer Croc. It also begins with another letter from an old dead person. This one is about how grief makes you disrespectful or brave or something. I guess that means Selina is going to bust some heads because of what happened to Eiko. Black Mask may have finally made a major mistake. Unless he made a major mistake earlier and I just missed it because I don't really know what's going on in this comic book anymore. I'm just rooting for Selina to win!

Killer Croc offers to take Eiko home now that she's had a nap and recovered from her bullet wound and the fall from the top of a building.

You can't be careful fucking a crocodile man!

My cat just walked into the room screaming at me and I called her Fingercuffs. I think she disapproves of felines consorting with reptiles.

Black Mask gets footage of Killer Croc escorting Catwoman home to the Hasigawa residence. That's probably going to piss Eiko's father off when Black Mask uses it against their family. Although Black Mask can't cause any more trouble if he's being digested in the belly of a crocodile man! Hint, hint! Although maybe that wasn't subtle enough to be considered a hint. Suggestion, suggestion?

Spoiler goes from training with Eiko and being pissed at Catwoman to running into Catwoman and working with her. Stephanie just can't resist the call to action. She's tasked with stealing evidence from Keyes and Alvarez. The evidence consists of the information a murdered man named Bill Turner had on Batman and the Bat-Family. After getting Stephanie to sort of agree to help, Catwoman throws herself off of the top of a building because that's how people in Gotham City travel. Apparently this city was designed like a monkey cage in a zoo. You can get to anywhere from anywhere by simply leaping around.

Selina is just trying to find a way out of the mob style drama of Gotham now without losing anybody else she cares for. I don't mind if she loses some of them because I'm not really attached to any of them. Although I wasn't attached to Antonia's brother either and his death was dramatic and touching. I just hope Valentine writes the deaths of Keyes and Alvarez as comic!

I know I've stated multiple times I want Catwoman back doing her burglar shtick but I'd rather have Valentine's Catwoman in the mob than Tieri's Catwoman doing anything at all. Even loads of sex. Well, maybe I'll try that for a little while!

Even if I can't quite follow all the intricacies of the crime family plot, it's a thousand times better than any story in the pages of Catwoman since The New 52 began. And I could be completely lost until the end of time in the overall story as long as Valentine keeps giving me moments like this:

I have no faith that I'll get any scenes like this from Frank Tieri. His would have ended with Antonia saying, "Don'y listen to ward! He's gay and into gay stuff!"

Meanwhile while Eiko is out and about the city, The Black Mask uses the knowledge he gained from his surveillance of the Hasigawa building to sneak in and begin murdering everybody. He doesn't play fair but at least I don't have to wonder who is on whose side when bullets begin flying.

Apparently Black Mask assumed it was Selina Kyle in the Catwoman mask being taken into the Hasigawa building. He believed he had been betrayed by the Hasigawa clan and that they were working with Selina Kyle and the Calabreses. Black Mask confronts Eiko's father with a picture of Croc bringing Catwoman into the building and asks him to deny the partnership. Eiko's father puts it all together and realizes it's his daughter in the Catwoman suit. He refuses to betray her to Black Mask and accepts death instead. So another fucking death of somebody I didn't really give a fuck about but done in such a way that brings tears to my eyes. Mostly because Eiko will never know how much her father truly loved her, and what he now sacrificed simply to keep her safe from Sionis.

Eiko returns to find her father murdered and a message on the wall: "Play with the cat get scratched". Well, not if you're careful. And you own a pair of chainmail sharkproof gauntlets.

Catwoman #44 Rating: +2 Ranking. Most writers can't make the death of a main character emotionally moving but Valentine has killed off two nobodies in Catwoman and they've both been heart-rending and/or gut-wrenching. It goes to show how much can be accomplished when a writer treats all of her characters as three dimensional human beings moving throughout a realistic landscape with their own motivations. These characters aren't just set pieces for Selina Kyle's story. They aren't just a bunch of faceless xenophobes screaming for Superman to go back home to his dead planet. Valentine has built a world that, while maybe it isn't exactly the best fit for a "Catwoman" comic book, is a living, breathing landscape that is well worth reading. She's been a bright oasis in the deserts between Nocenti and, quite soon as we exit the other side of her shade and water, Tieri. I'll enjoy this while it lasts because I have absolutely no faith in a Frank Tieri Catwoman series.

Catwoman #43

I'm a feminist with a freedom of speech problem.

Is everybody ready to be confused?! I don't mean by me! I mean by Catwoman's mafia problems. I'm not sure I completely understand this comic book but I'm going to pretend that I do so nobody realizes how dumb I really am.

Selina is taking the night off from trying to figure out whose loyalties lie where. According to the non-variant cover, she's going to a meetup with the new Batman. I hope Gordon remembers to lecture her and treat her like a child or she's going to know instantly that the person inside of the Honey Bunny Batman Armor isn't her fuck buddy.

But first, Eiko has to pretend she's loyal to her father before going off to stare at Spoiler's crotch. Or help her train. Maybe a little bit of both. Eiko and Spoiler hit the town at night to find out what Black Mask is up to. They know that some of his men will be hitting a gang that recently went over to the Calabreses. On their patrol, they find that some more of Black Mask's men hit up The Penguin's guys in Forster Lane. And then Eiko realizes Black Mask must be going for Selina, so she ditches Spoiler to go warn Selina.

Instead she runs into Black Mask who simply assumes that the woman in the cat outfit is Selina.

Black Mask might be surprised when he next runs into Selina. And Hasigawa might be surprised when he finds out his partner just shot his daughter off of a building.

While Selina and Eiko are out goofing around, Antonia pays a visit to The Penguin to extend her hand in friendship. The Penguin seems interested but only if she delivers to him Selina Kyle's head. That might throw a wrench in the works. Especially if Commissioner Batman squishes Catwoman's head into jelly when they fight later. I hope he remembers he's a hugely strong robot with no sex drive and she's just a dainty little female fuckbeast.

Shit, that other Batman most certainly doesn't deserve you!

Catwoman easily escapes Commissioner Batman's clutches because he acted out the encounter all wrong. First he actually tried to arrest her. Plus he didn't tell her how she was fucking up her entire life. And then he didn't try to press his robot body against her. And then he forgot to let her go. I mean, she got away! But he tried not to let her.

Selina winds up on the streets in a disguise which doesn't fool the man leaving the Lucius Fox Center for Gotham Youth who allows her a moment to hide from Commissioner Batman.

Who is this kind man and what did he do with Bruce's lectures?!

As Catwoman climbs onto her balcony at the end of the night, she's caught by Antonia. Selina really is crappy at keeping her identity secret. Although it might be a good thing this time since Antonia had climbed up the balcony to take Selina's head. Perhaps Antonia will rethink that now that she knows the family has a super villain burglar working for them.

Lastly, Killer Croc decides he needs a nearly dead woman in a Catwoman suit to liven up the sewers.

Catwoman #43 Rating: No change. I like this comic book much better when it's not all about crime family loyalties. I don't care anything about the Gotham City crime bosses. I just want to see Catwoman steal jewelry and try to seduce Batman. I guess this is the era where DC decided none of their characters should be recognizable. Superman is powerless. Batman is happy. Hal Jordan is interesting. Doctor Fate is Ms. Marvel with a cool helmet. Catwoman has become The Penguin. Wonder Woman isn't a feminist icon. Aquaman has been banished from Atlantis and is suffering from a severe priapism. Black Canary sings in a band. Batgirl is a hipster. Martian Manhunter is Mister Biscuits. The Flash...well, I guess The Flash can still run fast. So at least something is still normal in the DCyou!

Catwoman #42

Why have all of my Catwoman covers been so silly lately?

I think Genevieve Valentine could write a really great Catwoman story. I wish DC Comics would put her on Catwoman!

This comic book is still suffering in much the same way Green Arrow suffered for so long. Both comics were written terribly by different writers for years. But then Green Arrow turned around when Jeff Lemire took over. It was written much better but it still didn't feel like a Green Arrow comic book. And now Catwoman is finally being written well but it's just not a Catwoman comic book. I suppose I could look at it as some kind of Catwoman Year One book. Maybe she grew up in the periphery of Gotham Mafia life while toying with being a super villain burglar by the name of Catwoman. Forget all the Nocenti "adventures" she had. Let's pretend she only had a few major capers, just enough to have built a bit of a relationship with Bruce. Perhaps we can forget about Winick's Catwoman #1 where Batman and Catwoman fuck because that really didn't go anywhere, right? So Bruce and Selina have enough of a flirtation going on that Selina now wants to hunt down Batman who has supposedly died. Her Gotham Mafia life she wasn't really interested in and was only thrust into when Rex found himself in prison is really beginning to fall apart due to her personal conflict with Black Mask. What better time then to don the Catwoman suit for good and truly become the Catwoman DC fans are hungry for? After this Gotham Mafia story arc ends, it will have built a history for Selina and built a better, fleshed out world for her individual adventures. We can understand better where she fits into the criminal underworld of Gotham City. Valentine has already set up a beautiful character sketch of Selina and her philosophy and morals. We have seen how she wants to help Gotham as much as Batman does but with a different set of tools and a vaguer sense of morality. Seen this way, I can truly appreciate what Valentine is doing. Right now, she's building up Catwoman's foundation and the framework of her life. With the disappearance of Batman as a catalyst, perhaps we're finally going to get some sheet rock put up so it really begins to look like the house we want Catwoman to live in.

That was such a bullshit strained metaphor! I'm such a terrible person for having written it! That's what happens when I write stuff that I truly believe instead of spewing my usual gobbledygook which I forget about as soon as I'm on to the next paragraph.

Keyes and Alvarez are still in this comic book doing mediocre police work.

Selina is too busy trying to get the crime families loyal to the Calabreses to accept the Falcones back into their fold to look for Batman. She'd better hurry though before he marries his new boss Mrs. Madison. I have a feeling Selina is going to discover Bruce's secret identity in her search for Batman. That'll help bring the two closer together.

If DC were smart, they'd allow Batman and Catwoman to trust and care for each other. It would be a much better relationship than Batman constantly lecturing her on her methods of helping Gotham. Let them have a relationship where they help and support each other even if they know that they can't completely commit to each other because of their love of the city and their need to keep it safe. Then DC gets the best of both worlds. You keep them at a distance so they're always in that tantalizing will they/won't they relationship and you get them actually caring about each other instead of being dicks to each other! It's not hard, DC Comics.

Selina is still meeting with The Penguin in secret as they try to figure out a way to bring down Black Mask without causing a gang war. Black Mask doesn't seem to care as much for subtlety. A Hasigawa assassin tries to murder The Penguin but Selina saves Oswald's life. Penguin kills the assassin so Black Mask will be none the wiser as to Cobblepot and Kyle's relationship. Of course he suspects it exists which is why the assassination attempt, I'd imagine. But even if Black Mask doesn't trust Penguin and his Forster Lane Crime Family, he can't act like he doesn't. This Mafia Crime stuff is so complicated!

Except it gets more complicated because the assassin was after Selina which, it's possible, The Penguin knew. Selina also doesn't fully trust Cobblepot with good reason. His loyalties kick in precisely at the moment he can see who will win. Until then, that bird is going to ride both trains to Winningtown.

Jesus Christ, what is wrong with my metaphor machine?! I think it's on the fritz because my head is overheating trying to pretend that I understand all of this underhanded Mafia business!

How about I forget about all the intrigue and concentrate on Catwoman's search for Batman? That's something I can understand!

She's under the sofa! Up in the springs!

Catwoman decides to search Bill Turner's place and runs into Spoiler who seems to be after Turner's Bat-Records too. Spoiler is a bit lost now that Batman is dead and her father is dead and Harper doesn't have her own comic book title. Spoiler thinks Catwoman needs a sidekick so she attacks Catwoman to prove her worth. But Spoiler isn't worth much yet so Catwoman just knocks her down, gives her some lousy advice, and leaves.

After the Spoiler spanking, Catwoman finishes her search of Turner's residence and finds a key hidden on the outside of the building where only Bats could find it. So she's on to something! Probably Batman's secret identity!

And then Catwoman offers to help train Spoiler. But not Catwoman Catwoman! Eiko Catwoman! That must mean she's going to get her own comic book soon and it will probably be called Catwoman Loves Spoiler.

Catwoman #42 Rating: +1 Ranking. Selina is moving further away from the Crime Family Business in small increments every issue. She spent much more time in the Catwoman suit this issue at the expense of leading the family. Antonia had to head up some a meeting of the crime families to figure out what to do with the Falcones and it seems she squared it all away. She can handle leading! Great! Now Selina can slowly let Antonia and Ward completely take over, right?

I have one last question: What is this a drawing of and why did this artist show it to The Penguin? Is it supposed to be Spoiler? Does this mean Penguin has people spying on Catwoman? Or is it something entirely different that I'm too stupid and confused to figure out?

Catwoman #41

I don't understand this cover but it looks great.

Catwoman! She used to be a cat and a woman! But now she's a mafia person and a woman! I'm glad she's always a woman because meow! If she were Catman, she'd be gay. I mean bisexual. But she's not gay! She's, um, bisexual! Oh my God! Catwoman and Catman are the same person!

Why does DC Comics equate being bisexual with being a cat? Is that an Urban Dictionary thing I don't know about?

Let's play a game! Who is the correspondence in this issue going to be from?! It's got to be from a woman who was in power and it's got to be old enough to be hardly understandable even if it's in English (and you understand English which I'm assuming you do since it's the only language I sort of have a grasp of)! That probably means it'll be from Queen Elizabeth! I don't think any other women were allowed to be in power until 2060. And then she was only was allowed to be President of the World because she was half robot.

The issue begins with Catwoman running a scam on the Falcones. She switches the Falcones monthly offering to Black Mask with sequential bills so that Black Mask cannot spend the money. Although I don't see why not. I'm supposed to believe that police departments are competent enough to somehow track money back to the person who spent it just because the serial number is being tracked? I think that's a myth! I'm not going to buy into that myth anymore and neither should all you big drug runners and mafia types! I guarantee you won't be caught spending sequential bills! I stake my life on it! If any of you get into trouble, you have my permission to rot in jail while I laugh and enjoy my freedom.

Selina is still on a Lucretia Borgia kick so her correspondence is just the motto of Cesare Borgia: "Caeser or nothing." Actually she says it in Latin first but since comic book readers are unintelligent bores, she translates it for us. I mean for them. What it means is Catwoman is turning Gotham into a place where if you don't side with the Calabreses, you get nothing.

Selina runs into Oswald Cobblepot at the opera so Cobblepot might think "Caeser or nothing" means "Penguin or shallow grave." He's learning things through powerful old timey women too!

After the opera, Selina Kyle hears of Batman's death.

I guess she's sad that she'll never ever again be told how she's fucking up her life at every turn.

Eiko stops by to take advantage of Selina's grief. Or to comfort her. Tomato, tomato pronounced differently than the first tomato.

Alvarez and Keyes are still in this comic book. They've been assigned to investigate the murder of an ex-cop turned private investigator named Bill Turner. They see it as punishment for investigating their own trying to find out which cops are on mafia payrolls. They've been working with Selina because they're on Selina's payroll and should be investigating themselves. No wait. I think it's okay to work with a mafia leader if you're not taking any money and you're helping her to figure out which other cops are working for other mafia leaders but accepting money for it. I'm sure they wish Ann Nocenti never dragged them into this comic book.

The mafia stuff takes place and it's mafia stuff that takes place. Loyalties are challenged. Bodies are counted. Leaders are overconfident. Little friends wait patiently to be introduced. You all know the drill!

Selina lets Antonia take care of the business with negotiating a new truce with the Falcones because she needs to go search for the real Batman because having sex with a Robot Batman is dangerous.

The moon is so low in the sky, it's in front of some clouds. I sense a company-wide Eclipso crossover coming!

Catwoman #41 Rating: No change. Except for the comic book needing a serious change of pace, I'm still a bit unclear as to how Selina Kyle gets to be head of the Calabrese family. So Rex told some people she was his daughter and that's that? Is she really his daughter? Why was this an acceptable move on Rex's part to put her in charge? Why are there so many characters that I can barely keep straight? At least Ward discovered Selina was Catwoman this issue which probably means her time as a Godfeline is almost over.