Batman Eternal #20

Last issue, we discovered that Brainiac was behind the framing of Jim Gordon. Also, The Spectre's gang were busy invading Terrifitech while Batgirl, Red Hood, and Batwoman were infiltrating Cadmus Island. Lois Lane and Vicki Vale were investigating people that just wanted to be left alone so that they could advance their careers at the expense of the privacy of others. And I think Alfred might have been behind the recent uptick in Icarus use. I think I might also be reading too many comic books.

This is Batgirl remembering that criminals are a cowardly lot and taking on the role of the scary half of her name. Hmm, that joke is too obvious and sexist to finish. And if there's one thing I can't stand being called, it's obvious.

Beneath Gotham, the Ten-Eyed Man stands around pointing his fingers at things and raving like anybody else that had their optic nerves rewired to their fingertips. Where did the surgeon get the extra optic cabling to cover that distance? Monoprice.com? The Ten-Eyed Man's entire plan is to sacrifice Killer Croc's young friend to open a portal so that he can see the face of something or other. I guess having eyes at the ends of each of your fingers isn't exactly a power that makes you a threat to anybody, so he had to be given some kind of mystic hoodoo power. Once Batman stops the ritual by keeping Jade from entering the portal, the entire cavern begins to collapse. Because if it didn't, how else do you play out the denouement of a failed evil ritual? At this point, nobody would believe the ritual was interrupted if things didn't begin to collapse. I'm glad every time I stop doing a chore halfway through because I don't want to spend any more time on it, my apartment doesn't fall in on itself. Buildings and caverns are so sensitive in fiction!

Batman, Jason Bard, and Killer Croc escape the collapsing cave but leave the Ten-Eyed Man because fuck that freak. He's better off dead! And Batman doesn't have a responsibility to save everybody from death. He's just not allowed to kill them. And by "kill them," I mean they can't die immediately after having been struck by Batman, or at least not until Batman has turned his back on them while they were still breathing.

Now I'm just blatantly repeating myself from past commentaries. But there's only so much one person can write! I think I've used all the words I know. Maybe I should read a dictionary next.

My output on Blogspot for the past few years. Keep in mind, these are all entries personally written by me and not reblogs of funny kitten videos. The first years were before I knew what to do with the blog since I only created it because I came up with the Best Blog Name Ever (according to Doomkopf.com).

Doomkopf.com is the second website I've plugged this commentary and I'm not making any ad revenue! Besides "obvious," I apparently also don't like to be described as "successful."

Did you remember there was a riot breaking out all over Blackgate penitentiary which I thought was Blackgate Prison but I guess I was wrong or something? Harper's father is doing his best to convince delicious, creamy Warden Zorbatos that she should let him escape. Jim Gordon is trying to stop the riot all by himself. And Gordon's cellmate, Leo, is shaving off his beard. Is that because he's going to reveal his secret identity and that he's the mastermind of the entire riot, Rex Calabrese?!

These inmates are smarter than I am! I would have just said, "What the fuck is happening?! G-g-g-g-ghosts!"

Down in the jungle, Doctor Falsario has been murdered. And just when Batgirl was going to bring him in and expose the frame up job on her father! Also just when Leo was singing "in the jungle" because maybe he had something to do with it! Or he might just have been singing that because it's about a lion sleeping and his name is Leo and he was putting on lion's teeth because the lion was finally waking up which is the part of the song that nobody ever hears. But it's pretty metal!

Who????

That last caption was a joke for one single person!

Rex Calabrese is the most terrifying villain Batman has ever gone up against! A paunchy old man with dentures, bad contact lenses, and a horrible lion tattoo on his chest! How will The Jeezly Crow Batman ever defeat him? Although at least Rex chose a lion for his name. That's a whole lot scarier than a stupid bat. Although not that much scarier. All they do is lie around sleeping in the jungle!

Here's a fun fact! Lions don't actually live in jungles!

Isn't Barbara already grown up?

Back in South America, thanks to Batgirl's interference, a bunch of kids are out of a job! Doctor Falsario's knock-off super hero action figure warehouse is closed for good and a bunch of families aren't going to have enough money to eat this month. Nice one, Jerkogirl!

At least Batwoman discovered enough evidence to clear Commissioner Gordon. As long as the legal system in comic books is different than our legal system which probably wouldn't give a shit about this new evidence since the district attorney and the police behind the apprehension of Jim Gordon already have a win on the books and why fuck that up with new evidence from a country that doesn't even speak English!

And you know who we haven't seen much of lately? Spoiler! I mean, Stephanie Brown!

Good thing I'm not a critic so I can spoil all I want! I'm just a guy having a conversation with himself where everybody can sit and stare and watch me mumble incoherently.

Batman Eternal #20 Rating: No change. I hope that wasn't a crack at me and what I do, Scott Snyder and Tim Seeley and company! I may be an idiot with a keyboard but that doesn't mean I don't consider myself a professional idiot with a keyboard! I'm not just some shitty run of the mill review site like COMICSVERSE! I put effort into my scathing, humiliating commentaries about Tom DeFalco's mother's vagina! It takes time to craft such perfectly penned insults! If I ever meet you at a convention, Tim Seeley, I'm going to look you right in the face and say, "Who are you?" Then when you say, "Tim Seeley," I'm going to say, "Oh, really? Would you sign this copy of Batman Eternal #20? And could you make it out to 'Your pal, the idiot with the keyboard'?"

Batman Eternal #19

I said this in a conversation today: "I probably would have accidentally drowned her in the bathtub while cleaning my gun!"

Don't worry! It was facetious! I don't even have a license for a bathtub. Also, bathtubs don't kill people! People kill people! Wait, that doesn't actually defend me or my statement, does it? I meant to say, "The bathtub made my hypothetically do it!" Fucking bathtubs.

I almost asked a Portland cop last night what he thought about the events in Ferguson but I didn't want to get shot. So instead I just said, "Pardon me" and "Excuse me, fellas" as I negotiated my way past them, carefully and obsequiously. Then once I was out of earshot, I mumbled, very quietly lest they make note of my defiance, "Fucking fuckers fucking fucked, man." I guess even if they heard me say that, they probably wouldn't have had any idea what I was going on about.

Cops are arrogant motherfuckers and I don't just mean the ones that shoot unarmed black men or the ones that defend the ones that shoot unarmed black men. All of them. Even the "good" ones. I was once pulled over by the mousiest cop I've ever seen outside of film. He said, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" And I said, "Yeah, because I pulled across all the lanes after making the right hand turn." He just looked at me, dumbfounded, for a few seconds before saying, "Oh. I always ask that and nobody ever knows why I pulled them over." Just because I broke some driving rule doesn't mean I don't know it, sir. And, I might add, I broke it for a legitimate reason! Because following the law, in this case, becomes more dangerous than pulling the maneuver I just made. Any police officer would probably do what I had just done and think nothing of it because they're arrogant jerks that think they're the only people that can make informed decisions regarding disobeying the law. But since I was just a lowly citizen, I needed to be taught a fucking lesson. Especially, as the cop noted before deciding not to ticket me but to give me a website to go to so I could "bone up" on the law I just broke, the maneuver I just pulled was "his pet peeve." So that's how you give out tickets, you mousy fuck? When something "irritates" you? Hell, why am I surprised at that when cops have obviously decided it's okay to shoot black men and the mentally ill because they "irritate" them.

I've said it on this blog many, many, many times and usually when nothing anti-police is even happening in the news because cops just, generally, suck: Fuck the police.

Anyway, down in Little North America, Batwoman and Red Hood are having a little trouble with Little Red Riding Hood.

Should you really be joking about peacekeepers "trying their best" not to shoot people, DC Comics?

Oh, who am I kidding! Of course they can joke about that! Just because injustice exists and tragedy happens, it doesn't mean people can't continue to enjoy their good fortune at being born white in America! Although it's probably better to be born rich in America, no matter what you look like. Although nobody has it as tough as me, third generation Spanish-American! That means I've been Americanized long enough to not know Spanish, so I'm looked down on for not speaking my great grandparent's native language! Plus my great-grandparents and grandparents worked their asses off to provide a better life for their descendants, a life that I'm squandering and not working hard at at all! Just try living with that guilt! It's nearly distracting once or twice a year!

Back in Gotham, Batman is still working with Killer Croc.

Says the guy that didn't seem to mind killing Talons.

Killer Croc informs Batman that these corpses were zombies like the Talons, so it was okay to kill them. Although the Talons had quite a bit of mental acuity for zombies. Maybe Batman didn't kill any of them. Or he only killed the ones whose brainwave functions were basically flatlined. Batman's rule about not killing things gets a little hazy at times.

Batman doesn't want to hear about "reanimated corpses" risen from Hell and filled with evil because he's a man of science!

Says the guy that just recently got back from a visit to Heaven.

Meanwhile in Blackgate Prison, Scott Snyder and the other writers send a message to Ann Nocenti by killing one of hers: Fishnet Face. Things are about to get ser...wait. Did I say Snyder and Nocenti?! Whoops! My mistake. I meant Falcone sent a message to The Penguin! I'm so embarrassed. How could I have made such a stupid error?

Ahem. Anyway, a riot breaks out in Blackgate and Warden "My heart is hers" Zorbatos comes to take Gordon into her custody to keep him safe. But Gordon, being the consummated hero, heads right down the throat of the riot to save the guards. What a guy!

Back to Brazil, Batwoman catches up to the man that helped frame Jim Gordon for the subway derailment in Gotham: Dr. Falsario! I'm not sure why Doctor Forger (if I'm allowed to translate his name from nearly Spanish) is a doctor when he commits crimes and runs a knockoff toy factory! I guess he's an auto-plastic surgeon, doing his own work for each of his different crimes.

As I was looking through the old DC Who's Who that came out around Crisis on Infinite Earths, I noticed that all the entries for villains or heroes with "Doctor" in their super name also had "Doctor" added to their alias. At least this was true for all of the male "Doctors." Doctor Light, Kimiyo Hoshi, did not get the honorific. Secret sexism at work? Of course!

Oh, and then Batwoman lets "Doctor" Falsario escape so that Batgirl can chase him down on her own since this is about family duty or some crap. The best part of the entire scene is where we learn that Batgirl was responsible for Jason Todd's death at the hands of The Joker!

See? She put the doubt in his head! She forced him to prove himself too soon by going after The Joker alone!

As Gordon begins saving the guards of Blackgate, Batman discovers that the person responsible for Croc's missing friend, the child Jade, is the Ten-Eyed Man. Why is he called The Ten-Eyed Man? Because comic book writers across the years loved to come up with stupid gimmicks. So the Ten-Eyed Man went blind due to an explosion. No, wait! That's too mundane for a comic book. Stuck between his eyes, The Ten-Eyed Man had a piece of shrapnel from a grenade blowing up in his face in Vietnam. The explosion aggravated this old injury and he went blind. None of that really matters except to have a good story about why Philip Reardon (that's his name!) went blind. The reason he's now The Ten-Eyed Man is because Dr. Engstrom (The Alchemist! Not to be confused with Dr. Langstrom, the Man-Bat!), showing off to all the other scientists at S.T.A.R. Labs, reconnected Phil's optic nerves to the tips of his fingers. Seems like an awful lot of extra work but then again, I'm not a mad scientist. What do I know? I was going to suggest The New 52 Ten-Eyed Man had a different explanation for his powers but the pads on his fingers in one panel make it seem like he's the same old experimented on victim of Dr. Engstrom's showboating.

Batman Eternal #19 Rating: No change. One of the things I like about this book is that a lot of shit is going on all at the same time. It gives a feeling of how Gotham really operates on a day to day basis that you don't get in the normal Batman comics where Batman deals with one crisis at a time. Unless, of course, he's involved in some huge crossover event or one of those stories where everybody in Arkham breaks out at the same time. This is the way continuity should be handled! Just keep it all to one book! Whatever Batman is doing outside of this title, he's just doing during a break or something. Who cares where it fits in to the timeline of every story in The New 52. You'll go mad and burn up trying to create a timetable of all comic book events ever! Just ask Canonology who hasn't updated since March!

Batman Eternal #7

Never ever look in a mirror at exactly 12:34:56 AM.

Once upon an every week, there was a supphissedly fictional place called Gotham City. The city was not pronounced like a parody of a milk advertisement for pork producthiss. It had a silent hiss in the middle. "Go-hiss-am Sit-eee!" That doesn't look right. But that'hiss okay because you are not a hisstupid warmblood. And even if you are a hisstupid warmblood, you would not have been able to read any of this anyway so it doesn't matter. You probably know how to pronounce all of these words without me telling you which ones have hisses in the middle of them. Most of them do not have any hisses in them at all even if sometimes they are hard to pronounce without the hissing. It is the toughhisst part of the dhissguise.

I worry that now that I have warned you against it, you are going to do it. I worry. I do.

In thiss supphissedly fictional place, a story that would not leave me alone was being told. It was like a small warmblood tugging at my tail (my coat tail, of courhiss!) and saying, "Lhissten to me! Lhissten to me! I have the jokes which make the warmbloods blurt strange noises from their mouths and sometimes viscous fluids from their nasal cavities!" But I do not like to hear the jokes because they make me uncomfortable. I do not know when the part that is funny happens so I smile with my seemingly tiny mouth and nod fervently as if I were watching a small animal on a branch jhisst above me. Then I think how lovely that creature would taste. My stomach growling hiss not the correct reaction to hearing the jokes. It makes the warmbloods uncomfortable although they do not know why. They glance around furtively for the danger they sense inherently but they mhiss it every time.

Well, most of the time. Sometimes the camera catchiss what it should not catch. Sometimes the insane see what they should not see.

Thiss hiss how we see thiss world! Gotham? Oh, now my stomach is growling!

All stories are real. You knew that, did you not? Since you were a small, angry warmblood, you knew it. All the dragons. All the princhisshiss. All the peasants and wayward knights. But eventually, knowing all stories were real was a dangerous thing to know. So the older warmbloods told you, time and time again, that the stories were lies. All lies. But they were lying. To protect you. To keep you from the mirror.

Why does Batman hide hiss true identity? Because there hiss power in secrhissy. He does not do it to protect hiss loved ones, no. That hiss one of the lies. Nothing hiss ever about the other; everything is about the one who perceives. Do not be fooled by charity; it does not exhisst. Bruce Wayne hiss a mask. Batman wears a mask. All is a mask. You would not like to see reality in its raw and undiluted form. Thiss hiss why we cover them. Thiss hiss why we break them when we can.

The cat versehiss the bird hiss the truth of most stories. It hiss all hunt and hunted. It hiss all games and hunger.

See? All games, all hunger.

So thiss Batman that hiss both real and unreal, he battles a man named Pyg. We all fight thiss battle. Everything hiss about the one who perceives and all that the one perceives hiss greedy pigs at the trough, taking what should be yours, making you hunger, making you starve. They are all pigs. Every one of them a pig. But you, I, we, whatever...different. Until you look. Until you take a peek. Jhisst phisst midnight, you can't help yourself. You must see. You must know. What do they perceive? How hiss the one that perceives perceived by the pigs and the birds?

The pig battles the bat; the bird fights off the cat. And all around them, chaos reigns. They fight for a little bit of control in their lives, in their environment. They fight for illusion. For nothing but chaos has ever been the arbiter. For to find control, one who perceives must realize perception is a lie. The warmbloods have not yet figured it out. There hiss no control but what we allow. Even your leaders do not lead. They hunger. And they play games. And they fight. But they do not lead, and they do not control, and they will never look past what they see.

The pig goes, "Lies. All lies! None of it matters!"

And so the little games, the inconsequential battles, go on all night. Pig and cat and bird and bat. While the ones that matter wait and watch and hide and eat. Yhiss, eat. So much food for us.

Batman Eternal #7 Rating: It was a diversion, no more, no more.

Talon #14

I can see right up Calvin's nose!

At the end of last issue, all hell was breaking loose at the Gotham City Orchard Hotel. The most surprising thing about it is that Batman was not involved. Nobody even invited him to the chaos even though he left explicit instructions that he be sent an invite. Here's hoping the entire building explodes, killing most of the cast of this comic book. The only person I hope doesn't die is The Gotham Butcher. Anybody else, including Calvin Rose, is expendable.

While Casey tangles with The Gotham Butcher, Calvin makes one of the biggest mistakes you can make in the entire history of making mistakes! He believes a child with one hand behind its back is innocent and not dangerous at all. Well, Calvin Rose, those that don't remember history are doomed to repeat it or something to that effect. It's your own fault if you want to ignore what happened to Julius Caesar, Charles Foster Kane, Sauron, and Jesus too! They also ignored the innocent kid with one hand behind his or her back and look where it got them!

"I went to Owl School and it only took a few months! While all my friends are working dead end jobs or still in school, I got a job right out of Owl School using my training to kill Talons!"

Little Sarah Washington, Valedictorian of Owl School, merely slits Calvin's throat. It doesn't kill him but it seems the Putrefying Serum that was injected into his system wasn't enough to kill him but was enough to disable his healing powers. So that slit throat could be trouble. She didn't slit his throat deep enough to severe the piano cords in his throat that enable him to speak, so it's really just a superficial cut. Sarah leaves with Grandmaster Flash so that The Butcher of Gotham can clean up. Except that bomb is going to go off and kill everybody soon, so The Butcher should probably just head out now. I'm sure everyone will die and the comic book will be over soon.

Casey decides that she doesn't want Calvin to die because she loves his undead penis going in and out of her cybernetic vagina, so she shoots The Gotham Butcher's arm off. Unless she shoots off the Gotham Butcher's arm. Whichever one is most grammatically appropriate.

She also shoots off some of his other parts, like his top part and his bottom part.

Casey and Calvin and Casey's thugs still have a bunch of Talon's to destroy. But Calvin has come up with a great three step plan! Step one: Set himself on fire! Step two: Group hug all of the talons. Step Three: Blow everybody up with a cryo-bomb! That's a pretty good plan because usually three step plans have one step that is just a bunch of question marks and another step that is just the word "profit" followed by an exclamation point. Two or three exclamation points if the creator of the plan is overly optimistic!

I suppose the setting himself on fire part of the plan was to keep him from being flash frozen by the cryo-bomb. But now Calvin Rose is a disgusting, melty, burning, throat-slit, moldy old walking corpse. He doesn't have much Talon left in him. Seeing him in such a state of disrepair makes me feel a little better about the Gotham Butcher being butchered.

Eww. Stop being so gross, Calvin. I don't even think Alfred can whip up enough tea to save you now.

Eventually Batman comes to save the day because Calvin Rose is only good at escaping. He can't solve problems. He can only run away from them. So Daddy Batman arrives to stop the bomb and to apprehend Sebastian Clark. Batman still has some questions for him like where the fuck did Lincoln March go? Maybe after Calvin turns into a soupy blob of blech, Lincoln March will return to be Gotham City's Talon! Which, I mean, really, Gotham City doesn't fucking need, does it? The Court of Owls have kind of overstayed their welcome being that they're all just a bunch of snobby bureaucrats anyway. Can't Batman turn them back into a nursery school rhyme and an Urban Legend?

You're going to fix that?! I think Casey must have lost both eyes.

Casey pleads with Batman to save Calvin's life as the serum begins to liquify him. I can understand that Batman's legend is so great that it would seem he's capable of miracles but I don't think he's a healer and he probably doesn't know any magic. Hell, Batman doesn't kill so he can't even put him out of his misery! What the fuck is Batman supposed to do? I guess he could shove him in the cryo-tank until somebody else can come up with a cure. Hopefully that will be never though because I think I've read enough stories about Calvin Rose. I'm good here. Check!

Oh fuck. Apparently I'm being forced to have dessert because Calvin Rose is all better three weeks later. Batman's big idea was to put Calvin on dialysis which removed the Death Serum and allowed Calvin's Talon power to regenerate his body. He even got back his face! Also, it might not have been Batman's idea. Batman may have just shrugged his shoulders and went home after Casey asked for help. But Bruce Wayne helped by buying Casey's father's company and putting her in charge!

Sebastian Clark wound up in prison. The Gotham Butcher began putting himself back together so he was locked up in a new cell in the Securitus Building which is kept at Absolute Zero. Or, you know, as close to absolute zero as they can get. I predict Wayne Enterprises goes bankrupt within the year trying to pay the power bill to keep The Gotham Butcher frozen at that temperature! Maybe they should just shoot his body into space and keep his head on the end of a pole in the Gotham Police Department's break room freezer. And finally, Sarah has begun attending Bat School which is the opposite of Owl School. Unless Lark School is the opposite of Owl School.

Finally finally (I should probably have planned my words better), Calvin Rose discovers that Casey Washington is being allowed to continue her organization that helps thugs leave criminal organizations and make better persons of themselves. Except she's been forced to change the name of her organization to Batman, Incorporated. Dark Ranger and Nightrunner are also still members. And everybody probably has to make sure they don't accidentally mention any of this to Commissioner Gordon.

Talon #14 Rating: No change. I am so Court of Owlsed out, I can't even finish thi

Talon #13

If the Gotham Butcher were the title Talon in this book, it would be the greatest comic of The New 52.

I'm listening to music as I read Talon #13 because Talon only holds about 13% of my interest. I can't let that other 87% just go to waste not being interested in something. So I'm distracting that part of me with music. Right now, it gets to dance to Planet Tokyo by Puffy AmiYumi. But now the other 13% of my interest is jealous that the other 87% is being better entertained!

Now I should be reading Talon but I keep shouting, "WHO THE FUCK IS ALICE?!" Man, I got this song (Who the Fuck is Alice?) on Napster! Does that mean this MP3 is stolen goods? Remember Napster when we were all international super criminals?! Man, what a glorious time! I can't believe we didn't all create spandex suits and change our names to things like Mistress Nefarious and MP ThrEvil. Thirteen years later and I still know every song that I downloaded from Napster when it comes up on my iTunes. It's so much better than paid for music! Forbidden fruit! Mmmm, so delicious and wicked!

The next song is Mr. Crowley by Ozzy Osbourne. That's the song that opened the gates of Heavy Metal to me! My sister owned the cassette tape and I was intrigued by the vomiting blood cover. I fell in love with the sounds of Mr. Crowley. After that, I immediately sold my soul to the devil, killed a bunch of neighborhood cats, and became disrespectful to the elderly. But I continued to get good grades, so everybody basically left me alone. That was the magic I learned as a youngster. Grades are all that matter to adults.

Tess: "I'm going out to do fuck all! Be back whenever I want!"
Tess's Mom: "Wait a second, young man. Where's your report card?"
Tess: "Right here! All A's! Except that F I got in Mr. Gary's class. What an asshole, right?"
Tess's Mom: "Oh God. He hated me! That guy was a big jerk! Okay, you have fun being a good kid because you get good grades so I know you're not doing drugs or vandalizing other people's property!"
Tess: "See you tomorrow! Maybe!"

And then I'd rush out into the night to do anything I wanted! Which was usually playing Warhammer all night long at my cousin's house. Gosh, what a rebel I was!

Okay, time for the 13% of my brain paying attention to Talon before I get back to the interesting stuff about music and other music.

Sarah is excelling at Owl School so she gets a gift.

Casey has been doing research to try to find John Wycliffe, the Grandmaster of the Court of Owls. But the only record she finds of any Wycliffes is a signature on the original Gotham Charter. Do you think we'll ever get a definitive history of the Owls, when they formed, where they came from? Or are we supposed to be satisfied with their mystery and cloudy beginnings? Because I'm bored with them being an even more mysterious, DC Comics version of the Rothchilds. If I have to keep reading about them, I want to know more! Unless the Gotham Butcher kills them all and gets the lead role in this comic. Then I'm fine never knowing anything more.

Sebastian Clark is busy shopping for some Gotham Real Estate. He's interested in the Harbor House where a bunch of Patsy Members of the Court of Owls killed themselves back around the Night of the Talons. I'm completely flabbergasted (unless I'm using that word incorrectly! I better ask Lord Google what it means exactly. Let's see, "surprised greatly; astonished." Oh yeah! That's what I wanted!) that Bruce Wayne hasn't already scooped up this historic property! Especially with all that it means to his, you know, secret personality. Wink wink. You know who I'm talking about.

Is that a legal way to obtain a property? By killing the Real Estate Agent while on the premises? I think I'm going house shopping this weekend!

Calvin believes the newly refurbished Court of Owls are working out of the ruins of Amusement Mile somewhere. Anya (one of Casey's henchmen that used to be a member of the League of Assassins) and Casey believe the Orchard Hotel is where they're staying. Calvin remembers the Orchard's secret offices and vaults were flooded with liquid gold, so he's not so sure that's the ideal place to hold Court of Owl meetings. But he goes off to the Orchard to investigate anyway. And Anya and Joey (ex-Yakuza) decide to investigate Amusement Mile. But who is right?! It's like that moment in the book, The Silence of the Lambs (or the movie, if you're one of those low-brow dumb dumb faces that don't enjoy reading books so you can eventually scoff at the movie versions of them even if they are excellent and cause you to always think of flesh suits every time you hear Tom Petty's "American Girl"), when Clarise goes off to investigate a lead just to be thorough while the FBI believes they're raiding the killer's house. But the lead actually winds up being Buffalo Bob's Dungeon of Human Suits and Fancy Lotions! Is Calvin going to wind up finding the Court? Or will Anya and Joey be killed because there are too many characters in this book?!

I think I'm spending more than 13% of my interest on Talon! Am I finding the book more interesting this month? Or is the music in the background working to distract that part of my brain that finds this book incredibly boring?!

Now "In the Car" is playing by Barenaked Ladies. This song is extra special because it uses the phrase "mutual masturbation." And I was going to maybe talk more about the song as it went along but then Google Mail Alerts popped up a notification email from my mom and I caught the phrase "in memoriam" so I had to go see what that was about and sadness because one of her cats died. Now I have a paragraph that mentions both my mother's dead cat and mutual masturbation! What good is that to anybody?!

This is what Calvin Rose finds on the 13th Floor of The Orchard Hotel.

Calvin challenges The Butcher to a final deathmatch which will hopefully not turn out how he's expecting it to. Although he is a Master Escapodarium, so he'll probably do okay. Especially since the entire Orchard Hotel is going to explode in five minutes and Sarah is still on the premises. Also, every Talon nearby will soon be in the hotel to try to stop the Butcher because Wycliffe put out a call for help. But he's probably not going to escape either because he runs into Sebastian in the elevator. That's a lot of people in one space! And it's going to be more soon because Casey has figured out what her little group needs to do. So they'll probably wind up there as well! Batman may be the only guy in Gotham not invited to this party.

The Butcher winds up shoving a syringe into Calvin's neck full of the serum that was supposed to be used on Strix to completely decompose her and kill her for good. But Calvin doesn't have the exact same reaction. Perhaps because his body was still quite fresh when he underwent the change, or maybe Lucius Fox put some formula into him to protect against this, I have a feeling he's not going to suddenly melt into a fleshy puddle. In fact, he'll probably simply be resurrected and this whole stupid Calvin Rose as an undead Talon thing will be over! But before anything but some minor foaming can happen, the wall explodes and Sarah and her Ex-Killer Squad appear to save the day! Or just make things more complicated.

Talon #13 Rating: +1 Ranking because I have hope that Calvin Rose is going to return to normal. And The Gotham Butcher will definitely get away because he's the best thing about this comic book by far! Perhaps he'll run off with little Sarah since she's now a graduate of Owl School with a penchant for murdering things with her bare hands. Oh, but I forgot to scan in the final page because it summarizes my feelings (and probably a lot of other people's feelings) about this initial Calvin versus the Court of Owls story arc:

Talon #12

Even splitting his time between Forever Evil and all of the Bat-titles and kicking Batwoman's ass, he still has time to drop by and bitchslap the fuck out of Talon. Bravissimo!

Last issue, I was incredibly bored. So let's see what happens this month!

The year is 1852. Horror has been seeing a therapist to talk through its issues with itself. Why does it thrive in the dark? Must it always be so? Is the darkness where Horror truly belongs? It really would like to move past the darkness since the darkness is awash in the afterbirth of Fear's becoming, and full of pollen from Terror's blooming. But Horror knows it belongs in the dark as well even though it longs for something more. It's full of ambition and no closet can hold it any longer! No longer will it be relegated to the cramped, musty spaces under the bed! It's tired of being imagined! It needs to show the world what it can do! Except it must be a lazy piece of shit because it's now 2013 and Horror has yet to make a name for itself.

Since Horror's story is such a bust, I guess we have to follow Batman and Talon as they search for the Court of Owls. I think they still need to save Casey's kid, Sarah. She's enrolled in Owl School which is the opposite of Bat School and a complete waste of time. Which makes it exactly like regular school!

Oh! The story about Horror was a metaphor for The Gotham Butcher!

Hey! Wake up! I've barely even gotten into the meat of this thing and you're already falling asleep?! Look, I don't want to have to read this comic book and try to write clever things about it. I really just want to sleep and eat and shit and masturbate and play Call of Duty. But sometimes, as adults, we have to do things we don't want to do. Like read comic books. I do like The Gotham Butcher though! But I don't want to see his backstory where he was too deranged for even the Court of Owls to handle. I feel like Tynion has given enough of that for us to understand the character. I don't need to keep being reminded that he's a monster!

The Court of Owls realizes they should probably never have given Felix Harmon another chance to walk the streets of Gotham. So they attempt to put him down by detonating the Liquid Nitrogen Bath Beads they stuffed into his head. When it doesn't work, they realize that maybe telling your slave monsters how you're keeping them in line isn't the best idea when your slave monsters are indestructible, immortal creatures that can perform brain surgery on themselves. Sure, they die a few times on the operating garbage bin. But that's what regeneration is for! Anyway, the Court of Owls has now lost control of yet another asset. I think it's about time The Court of Owls just went gently into that good night. Seriously. Even Dylan Thomas would agree on this one.

Casey is currently staying in Wayne Enterprises because that building hasn't had quite enough damage over the last few months.

Lucius Fox knows Casey because they're both BLiG (Black Living in Gotham). Unless it was because he knew her father since they were both big shot corporate electrical engineering wizards. It's probably whichever of those makes me sound less ignorant. Lucius is outfitting Casey with her own mechanical talon since The Gotham Butcher cost her an arm. Now she'll be part robot and Calvin is part corpse! It'll be hardest on their offspring who will probably be judged by the robots and the undead both when she grows up. They're such insular groups! Although maybe she's the Chosen One who will unite the Robots and the Undead!

Well, Lucius isn't as great an electrical engineering wizard as I thought! BliG it is! I wonder if he knows Bleak Michael too?

Batman arrives to let Calvin know that after Calvin finds The Gotham Butcher, Calvin needs to call Batman so Batman can take care of it. And then Calvin is going into retirement in a cryo-tube in Blackgate Prison. Batman should probably think twice about threatening people, especially escapadiliogolists. Now Calvin probably won't contact Batman at all when he finds The Gotham Butcher! Why should he?! Fuck Batman and his control issues! What a dick.

Meanwhile, Sebastian Clark and The Gotham Butcher have decided to team up to destroy Gotham City. And they shouldn't have to worry about Bane and his invasion of Gotham City because nobody knows where Bane or his island has gone. I guess Forever Evil is taking place in a pocket dimension! Earth 0.05, perhaps.

Talon #12 Rating: No change. I still don't care for Undead Calvin Rose but I do care for The Gotham Butcher! He's such a sweet teddy bear. Who else can burn 117 orphan children to death and still leave you laughing?

Batman Incorporated Special #1

Damian's dead and Batman is posing on the cover of a comic book with a leaping cow. Fucking disrespectful.

This issue had better end with Damian being resurrected or I'm going to go stand in Starbucks and shit my pants in front of everybody.

No wait! I'm not going to do that! Not again, anyway.

Oh, ha ha! The ease and majesty of "again" in the making of comedy! Thank you, Judd Winick of Real World: San Francisco for that comic advice. I wonder what ever became of you? Enh, I guess some things will always remain a mystery!

Batman begins the issue sitting down in the Batcave ignoring the smell of cow manure as he checks the Bat-computer's case files on members of Batman Incorporated. You know what they say! A control freak's work is never done. And it's certainly never done right if you leave it up to someone else! So it's time to check in on Jiru, the Batman of Japan! Jabatpanman!

Jiro is the best because his secret Batcave lies beneath his Hentai/Sex Toy shop in the Ginza.

What the kids are screaming about is a vending machine vended them a human hand instead of an ice cream cone. I don't know what they're complaining about. Human hands are worth way more than a stupid ice cream sandwich.

Wait. Are they going to investigate the organ harvester or have a ménage à trois?

Jiro and Canary's detectivating lead them to a Capsule Hotel where business men check in and check out weighing a few ounces lighter. For once, that wasn't a euphemism for masturbating! It was a euphemism for having an organ harvested!

Actually, the businessmen never check out at all. They're completely harvested and then the bodies are thrown in the bay. This place must have horrendous Yelp reviews.

I was actually hoping for a Batcow Monthly Series but I think Batman of Japan would kick some serious ass each month.

Seriously though. Batwing is boring the shit out of me and Batman of Japan is just languishing in some editor's desk drawer? At least change Batwing's title to Batman Incorporated and follow stories of the various Batmen around the world month to month. Or just start up a Batman of Japan comic book! The New 52 is currently something like five comics short!

The story ends with the capture of Doctor Inside-Out and about eighteen thousand puns. And poor Jiro still doesn't have a shrink ray!

The next case file stars Knight who used to be Squire but is now Knight because Knight was killed by Batthing!

Oh come on! Be funny!

Knight pouts about for a couple of pages because Batman Incorporated has disbanded and Knight is dead and little girls want autographs. But then Springheel Jack attacks and suddenly Knight is needed again! Because the only other heroes are a Mechanic and some guy that wears a Potato Sack on his head. Also Knight is letting everybody call her Squire so I guess she's still Squire even though Squire is a dumb name for a hero without a Knight.

Her ass is pretty fucking impressive though. If you ignore the extreme bifurcation.

Squire defeats Srpingheel Jack and comes to terms with her loss by taking on the name Knight (I was jumping the gun!) and fighting Dinosaur Droogs manning flying battleships. Seriously. Look for yourself!

I'm beginning to think every other member of Batman Incorporated would be more interesting than Batwing. Although he did recently fight a Lion God and Termite Men. Maybe I'm just being lured away by the newness of these characters! Sorry, Batwing, it looks like our relationship has simply lost its passion and run its course.

Hey DC? If the Wonder Woman movie is "too complicated" to make, how about making this one starring Knight and her battle with the Dinosaur Droogs?!

The next person Batman spies on is Raven Red and Man-of-Bats.

The Raven Red story is about Raven Red battling Coyote in the high girders of a half-finished building while remembering a moment speaking with an old man that seemed to be preparing to jump from the top of a casino. The old man worked building skyscrapers and his story makes me feel queasy and uneasy just thinking about the men that built those steel frames. I'm not afraid of heights but those films of men walking around the girders fifty stories or more in the sky just make my stomach fall out of my body. And the man's story and description is exceptionally well told in this short story.

Speaking of heights and not being afraid of them, a recurring dream I used to have just came to me (because of the feeling this story gave me? Possibly!). I grew up in the south bay of the San Francisco Bay Area and was familiar enough with the hills of San Francisco. When you're driving up a really steep hill, it feels like nothing is grounding you to the world and there's absolutely no reason that the car isn't flipping over backwards and sending you tumbling to your death. I used to have dreams about being a passenger in a car driving up these hills. We never flipped over in my dreams but these dreams may have been the most terrifying dreams I had as a child.

Anyway, what I was trying to say is it's a really nice and evocative story. It's the type of story that every back-up story should try to emulate. This what I absolutely crave in a short eight page back-up feature. Well done!

The next case file stars Nightrunner, El Gaucho, and Dark Ranger. I'm most familiar with El Gaucho because he had the most panel time in the Preboot Batman Incorporated.

These guys are hanging out in Buenos Aires dealing with a city gone mad from some kind of high frequency radio madness attack.

Worst radio station ever. And that's saying something!

While he may be the worst disc jockey I've ever seen (again, that's saying something!), he does have a way with words.

Aquaman would be a good nemesis for a villain that nobody has ever heard of!

They eventually save the day. Batwing would be glad to hear that I'm not exactly clamoring for a comic book starring these guys. Although that's mostly because I still really don't know much about them.

And finally we get to the star of he comic book: Batcow! I'm not going to say this story is worth the cover price because everybody who reads the comic book will then demand that I repay them for thinking this story was worth the cover price. But it does have some really nice Batcow images that I'll probably have to make at least one new Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea header out of.

Batman Incorporated Special #1 Rating: Just a taste of some stuff that DC had better realize needs to continue. Keep Batman Incorporated's Characters working!