Xena Warrior Princess #1

Hooray! I'm finally getting around to reading this! I hope Xena isn't running a mob family in it.

The year was 1995. I remember hanging out in my grandparents' backyard with my cousin and a friend when we had this brief conversation:

Me: "Did you guys see that show where that woman was fighting that dude while standing on the tops of the heads of the people in the crowd?"
Friend and Cousin: "Oh my god that was so stupid!"
Me: "It was the greatest thing I have ever witnessed!"

I don't know I remember that brief snippet of a conversation from over twenty years ago so vividly. Maybe it's because it was the moment I realized I truly was better than everybody I knew! How could they have gazed upon the magic of Xena Warrior Princess and not been struck down in awe? It's the closest thing I've ever had to a religious experience. Except maybe when I realized masturbation was a thing.

I had never watched Hercules: The Legendary Journeys so I didn't know Xena was a thing. I simply caught the premiere episode accidentally and fell in love. Not with Xena! With the show! And maybe Xena a little bit. And maybe Gabrielle a lot.

Easily done!

At the time Xena aired, it was quite possibly the most in-your-face gay show that had ever appeared on television. Nowadays, it would be considered, at best, a Gals Being Pals show, one that didn't quite have the cojones to out and out out them. At worst, it would be criticized for queer baiting. The thing was, even if the show was just meant to show two gals as pals, it wasn't going to be long before a lesbian audience took the show home from the shelter and laid out a little blankie for it in front of the fireplace. It's not like any other show was developing anything like this kind of complex relationship between two women. Plus their was lots of fighting and slapstick to distract the guys from realizing they were watching a lesbian soap opera. I mean, Xena's weapon was vaginal rather than phallic! How fucking awesome is that?!

Okay, even if we leave the gay subtexts out of it, this show was truly a beacon of feminist light in television's testosterone smeared vista. Just having two women as the main characters in such a tight friendship was a major leap forward in storytelling on television. Sure, you could have a woman who is close friends with a guy. But two women who truly loved each other and enjoyed each other's company and completely supported each other? In an hour long adventure show? Television insanity!

Oh, and let's not forget about the bisexual element of the show! Xena and Gabrielle both had relationships with different men throughout the show. This show had something for everybody! Except maybe the kind of people like my cousin and friend who hate whimsy and just want it to die screaming.

Anyway, I picked up this book because I liked Valentine's writing on Catwoman. The writing here is just as solid and the story is told in an interesting way that puts telling stories at the forefront of the conflict between Rome and the Harpies. I was a bit confused because it didn't start with an epistle from one of the Borgias but I was quickly able to figure out what was going on! Smarter readers shouldn't have any trouble at all!

Batman and Robin Eternal #22

The Robins only care about restoring Batman's memory because he hasn't paid allowance for six months.

I don't normally post on Facebook because I'm way too facetious for most of my family. Every now and then, I'll post something on a whim. Like today I posted this: "Since I don't currently have a child, pet, or meal to photograph, I'll just say God doesn't exist. Enjoy!" People who aren't instantly butthurt by the idea that an atheist has a right to express their viewpoint just like Christians might possibly get the joke. People post lighthearted shit on Facebook and it's generally of the same few topics. I didn't have a picture of any of those, so I said God doesn't exist and asked people to enjoy my share. Even if I don't believe in God, it's obviously a fucking joke, right? "I don't have any bullshit to share so here's something heavy as fuck!" I mean, I don't think declaring God doesn't exist is heavy but, well, you know. It's Facebook! Anyway, my aunt follows up with this:

Shirt Boy is just a nickname for my deceased cat Judas. She knows he's dead. Now she thinks it's cute to use his loss to testify about God and heaven! But what the fuck is up with those emoticons?! Is she laughing about my dead friend?! Those better be tears of sorrow, bitch! I'm calling the emoticon a bitch and not my Aunt! Maybe!

The Non-Certified Spouse decided to take the question literally and explain that Judas is nowhere because he's dead. Also he's not with any God. He's just dead. He's in the backyard under a statue garden I set up which includes some Sailor Moon figures. So my Aunt continues her kindhearted Christian line of questioning.

Holy shit, Melva! Slow your roll!

I had typed out "Yes, he's currently sucking the devil's cock while being raped by demons." But then I deleted it because I already started some shit I didn't mean to start by being lighthearted and facetious in the first place. Some might not think a statement about sucking Satan's cock and being raped by demons is lighthearted. Which is why I sometimes get into this small scale bullshit on Facebook. It's one of the reasons I rarely respond to people because they're all so fucking serious about everything! I don't even mind she said my beloved friend of fifteen years is in hell! Because it's silly. I know exactly where he is! I wonder if I should dig him up for a picture and post it to Melva's wall? "Heeeeeeeeeere's Shirtboy!"

Being too serious about everything is super lame! And yes, person whose going to call me out for using the word because they need to feel some kind of power in their meager lives, I mean "lame" in the ableist way and not in the modern way which in no way is meant to be a slight against people like Donald Blake! He's so fucking lame he can't even tell Jane Foster he loves her! I mean, maybe he can and has already. I have never read a modern Marvel comic book about Thor!

Time to take seriously a comic book about a bunch of kids who think a psycho with a bat fetish is their dad!

Ooh! Genevieve Valentine is scripting this issue! Be still my aching penis!

The Robins are having a tough time figuring out where to begin to stop Mother's plans. But Dick Grayson has an idea!

Damian had to say "Grayson" because saying "Dick" here would have been to ambiguous.

It's time for Damian to tell all of the Robins about how much of a gigantic pusshole Batman really was! I bet Damian once walked into him weeping over family pictures of all of his children and mumbling through a snot waterfall, "I love you all! You're all so special in your own ways and cock sizes! But for some idiotic reason that I can't comprehend because it feels like some jerkoff editors are controlling my life, I can never tell them how much they all mean to me!"

I was close with my "special in your own ways and cock sizes" prediction.

Damian pulls out his cock and shows the others it's bigger than all of theirs combined. Metaphorically! Don't be disgusting! He's just a little boy! Eugh. Why would you even think I meant that literally, you perv?!

While the Robins come up with a plan that's better than "Let's give up!", Mother activates the Ichthys Protocol. Or Subroutine. Or Virus. Whatever. She turns on the satellite that will make all of the children of the world into her soldiers. Or dead. Or, I suppose, not her soldiers and not dead. I mean, Jason Todd fought against Ichthys. I'm sure a few other random kids will too. But they won't be important to the story so I probably shouldn't have even mentioned them!

Batman and Robin Eternal #22 Rating: +2 Ranking. That Plus Two was absolutely earned because of Genevieve's script and the scene with Damian and Bruce. I'm so sick of angry, psychotic, grim Bruce Wayne! That moment was the truest Batman I've ever read! Okay, that was hyperbole. Maybe I should have said, "That was the truest Batman I can remember reading!" That's better because I really don't remember much of what I read. What a waste of life, right?! Why do I even bother if I only retain about ten percent of any media I consume! I'm such an idiot! I couldn't even spell "idiot" right the first time I typed it! I'm the worst!

No. Wait. My aunt is the worst!

Batman and Robin Eternal #8

It's a good thing I have an extremely healthy and not at all demented, weird, or scary relationship with my mother or else this commentary would be a disaster.

This issue begins several years ago when Bruce and Dick were visiting Prague to see the ballet "Giselle." They were also busy searching for Scarecrow and--for reasons too incomprehensible for this World's Worst Detective (me!)--seem to believe that Scarecrow has decided to take in a ballet. Bruce is probably doing that thing he does on a daily basis where he lies to his sidekick. "Sure, Dick! Scarecrow loves ballet! He's definitely going to be here if he could get tickets! Why don't you sit through the entire ballet while I go look around for hot chicks?" Then Dick was all, "Yay! Culture!"

No bipeds allowed!

Bruce Wayne runs into Mother in the past just as Dick Grayson runs into Mother in the future! I mean, not at the same time but on the same page. Comics are weird.

Harper and Cassie are busy battling ballerinas which is a phrase I don't get to use as often as I'd like. Although their radio communications sound like maybe they're up to something else?

Dick? Dick?...Cooch!

Mother must think she's talking to Jason Todd because she plays on Dick's low self-esteem to try to get him to come over to her side. But Dick doesn't have low self-esteem. What he actually has is a tight ass and a big cock. You have to have a big cock to have the kind of confidence Dick Grayson displays. When I see a really confident woman, I always think to myself, "She must have the biggest penis in the room." Then I try to imagine what a lady penis looks like. You'd think I'd have seen one by now but when you enter "lady penis" into a search engine, you just get pictures of regular guy penises but on ladies. I'm certain at least one other set of genitalia exist! I also asked Lord Google to show me some images of "cooch" because I think that's slang for "lady penis" but it didn't really help. Instead it just gave me back images like this:

And this!


And this too!

Interneting is hard!

Harper drops a huge chandelier on a bunch of ballerinas and probably kills them. No way is she as good as Batman at judging how much damage a person can take so that they won't die while Batman's still on scene. And even Batman would have a hard time guessing that dropping a chandelier on a dozen ballerinas from fifty feet up wouldn't crush any skulls or lady penises.

Mother tells Dick that Batman was looking for a less wussified Robin when he and Dick came to Prague. Dick asks her which Robin she gave Batman as if he doesn't already know! It's obviously Jason Todd! Except, of course, it will be none of them. But Mother is just doing what Mother's do best! She's sowing the seeds of discord among siblings and being super passive-aggressive while doing it! My mom, while showing the Non-Certified Spouse pictures of my cousin Jason from years ago, said, "He was so adorable. He was like the son I never had!" I was sitting two feet away, Mother! Jesus Christ! And you probably still wonder why we didn't talk for four years that one time!

Back in the past, Bruce Wayne simply asks Mother for a bride while placing a tracker on her coat. He doesn't ask for a little boy at all because that would be disgusting! He simply wants a woman with a tragic history that was used against her to turn her into a willing and obedient sex slave!

While Cassie and Harper continue to be part of the murder ballet, Mother makes Dick an offer that he'd better accept because I want answers more than I want to see Cassie and Harper survive. Call me selfish all you want! It's nothing my Mother hasn't already said hundreds of times!

Go with Mother! Trust your sidekicks! That's what Batman would do! Unless the "trust" part was really just "Well, I can get another one if one of them dies."

Dick chooses Cassie and Harper. Idiot! That's why Batman needed a different Robin! And then Cassie runs off because Harper pulls her hair. I'm sure that's Dick's fault too.

Meanwhile in Gamorra, Jason Todd and Tim Drake track down some tech guy who's tripping on Scarecrow toxin. I guess that crap will be explained next week.

Batman and Robin Eternal #8 Rating: No change. Not much was learned this week because Dick fucked up and didn't go with Mother. I guess he didn't have much of a choice. The batch of sidekicks he works with are all so traumatized by every little thing Batman ever did to them, they're always looking for Batman's faults in everybody else. So if Dick had gone off to find out Mother's secrets, Harper and Cass would have been pissed that he left them the way Batman would have (although Batman hasn't ever worked with Cassie (that I know of!) and Batman ditched Harper every chance he got so he wouldn't have to train her). And since he stayed to help, they were all, "We had it covered, jerko! Don't you trust our abilities!?" Okay, they weren't that upset about Dick's help. Cassie may have been since all she can say is "Mother," I don't know how to interpret that word in this situation. I can't wait until Issue #24 when the first secret of the story will finally be revealed!

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Batman and Robin Eternal #7

Why is the air in Prague full of knives and throwing stars? Climate change?

Fun Fact From A Twelve Year Old Boy: "Throwing Stars" are also called "shurikens" or "ninja stars" or "murder snowflakes."

This issue's script is by Genevieve Valentine so I expect it will suddenly be a mafia story whose theme revolves around an Elizabethan love letter. That means things are going to get weird between Bruce and Dick, doesn't it? I suspect Crane's Fear Toxin will play a large part. Also Batman's penis.

Years ago, Batman designed a Batcave in Prague. Years later, Dick, Cassie, and Harper are hanging out in it. It's less a Batcave and more a Batossuary. But I think that's standard in Prague. Fully seventy percent of all buildings in Prague are actually ossuaries. That's another fun fact from a twelve year old boy! Would you like another?

Fun Fact From A Twelve Year Old Boy: Pegasus is not a race of winged horses, you stupid fucking moron. It's a unique creature born out of the blood of Medusa's decapitated face. Duh.

Sometimes fun facts from twelve year old boys can be a little aggressive. There's also a greater than even chance that they're wrong but don't argue with a twelve year old boy about it because most of them are stubborn assholes who have no concept of "being incorrect."

Who lost a foot? Orphan lost a foot? Didn't he lose a hand? Have I been wrong about anatomy my whole life?!

While Harper and Cassie go on a secret mission to protect a ballerina, Jason Todd and Tim Drake visit an island that I didn't think existed anymore: Gamorra. Didn't Black Canary blow it up with her Canary Cry? Has there ever been a lamer name for a super power that can blow up a person's head? Maybe I shouldn't ask that. Super hero comic books have existed for over seventy-five years, most of which was Golden and Silver Age stories full of lame and ridiculous things. Modern comic books aren't much better! I don't think adding grim grittiness really improves them at all. They just cause twelve year old boys to start using the word "fuck" a lot more.

Tim is trying to solve a mystery but Jason just wants to talk about Tim punching Dick. Hey, English speaking countries? Can we retire the name Richard? Or, at the very least (the extremely very least!), stop using Dick as a nickname for Richard? How mature must a person be to embrace the name "Dick"?! And how do they find friends who aren't constantly making jokes about their name? I'm just too immature not to become completely distracted after typing a sentence like "Tim punching Dick." How does one ignore that?! And DC Comics doesn't help matters when I'm reading about Dick Grayson because DC Comics only knows how to print capital letters! So "Dick" and "dick" just become "DICK" which sometimes causes confusion! How do I know when Batman is calling Grayson by name or just angry with him?!

Tim admits to being a robot and Jason admits to being an alcoholic. It's a really great bonding experience that--for once--doesn't involve DICK at all.

Cassie is happy to have some airflow around her vagina. That leather suit she seemingly never gets out of must smell horrible.

Just to derail any notions that the above caption was a "vaginas smell" joke, I'd say the same thing about a guy wearing a leather suit constantly. Sweaty ball syndrome happens in light, airy pants; I can't imagine how awful it must be in leather pants. It's probably like the most vile stew imaginable. On other people, of course! If it's your own body and your own sweaty leather suit, you'd probably stick your nose deep in the crotch after taking it off and inhale a nice big whiff! Being comfortable with your own bodily smells (more than comfortable, really! Enjoying them is closer to the truth) is probably proof that a person can learn to enjoy the taste of any food. I have no doubt that all of the smells coming off of my body would be disgusting if I couldn't smell for my entire life and then tomorrow I suddenly could. I wouldn't be able to live with myself! But after just a few years of constantly farting on yourself, you acclimate to your distinctive farty stench. It's the same way with food! If you eat something enough, your sense of smell begins to accept it and stops trying to make you throw up every time you try to put it in your mouth. Now it sounds like I'm talking about DICK again!

At the ballet, Cassie repeats the only word she apparently knows: "Mother." She says it because the prima ballerina looks like Mother. I think. Cassie doesn't really explain herself.

Dick Grayson follows the tracer put on Orphan and winds up at the ballet as well. He finds the tracer but no Orphan and realizes it was a trap! It's refreshing to see a hero fall into a trap unexpectedly rather than having to be so smart that they know something is a trap but then jump into the trap anyway because "It's the only way!"

The entire ballet turns on Harper and Cassie and rush the audience. The rest of the audience goes, "Well, this is different! Bravo! Or Brava! One of those!" Backstage, Dick meets Mother. I think. Apparently he's met her before. Probably years ago when he and Bruce attended Giselle which I'd know was also a ballet if that stupid fucking twelve year old boy actually knew some facts about things that mattered. Does ballet matter?

Batman and Robin Eternal #7 Rating: No change. Mother is super old (you can tell because she's a comic book female with actual lines on her face) which means that she's been in business for years. Has she been in business long enough to have been behind Bruce's parents' murder?! Did he somehow get away from Mother? She had to have been doing this long enough for Bruce's peers to have wives who grew up with Mother. Anyway, this reminded me that Batman supposedly murdered a couple to orphan their daughter in Egypt. Obviously that's some kind of misleading bit to shock the audience into thinking Batman was up to some vile crap or mind-controlled. But I wonder if the way Mother keeps this whole sex slave organization secret is to have her customers commit a murder to orphan a child when they purchase an older model brainwashed orphan. That keeps the stock fresh! So if Bruce wants to infiltrate Mother's organization by seeming to be interested in buying a bride of his own, he would have to pretend to orphan a child himself. None of that has anything to do with the comic book I just read but it was all about Cassie wetting herself over ballet and I didn't really have much else to say about that.

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Catwoman #46

Tweety Bird's feet look like vaginas. I think.

This Catwoman comic book's theme should be based on this piece of mail I received when I was nineteen years old from a girl I had a huge crush on for years but had recently decided to cut off all contact with her because I just couldn't deal with it anymore.

Tess
Hi. Yeh, it's me. I know yer pissed at me + think I'm a bitch. Until last night I wasn't exactly sure why, but I think I've got it. :( Tess why haven't ya said anything to me? Why did ya just avoid me + not bring it up to me?! I know I don't do everyting right, O.K. I rarely do anything right. But shit Tess it's me, everyone should except that all I know how to do is fuck up. Are you ever gonna forgive me? None of this is comin' out like I wanted. I'm not even gettin' out what I wanna say. I know I should be talkin' to ya in person but I can't. For one I never see ya + for two, I'm basically a chickenshit. I can see why ya could/are mad about it but why? I mean why did it piss ya off so much, I mean shit, ya said so yourself on the way to the Poison concert; you don't care what I do! Fuck Tess it hurts like hell for ya to be so pissed at me, but what the hell can I do? I can't take it back, I can't change the fact it happened; it's done + over w/ already. I could apologize + say it won't happen again, but I don't think that'de help + I'm more than apt to fuck up + do it (or something similar) again later on in life and that'de make it worse. Well shit, I'm sure yer still as pissed as before, but all I can say is I'm sorry! Bye.
Otessa (A.K.A. Bitch)

After getting this letter, I hugged Otessa the next time I saw her and maybe apologized. Twenty plus years later and I still have no idea what she was apologizing for or why she thought I was mad at her. I wonder if she killed somebody! I really was just cutting myself off because she didn't love me and I loved her and I just couldn't deal with it anymore. The most embarrassing part of this letter (for both of us!) is that it mentions how we went to a Poison concert. Holy crap I got wasted at that concert. I did tell her I don't care what she does but that was kind of like the moment at the end of Harry and the Hendersons where John Lithgow tells Bigfoot that he doesn't really want to sleep with him at all and actually doesn't care what he does because Lithgow knows that Harry will never sleep with him anyway. So instead he drank a pint of Jack Daniels and then acted like an obnoxious jerk in the mosh pit at the Poison concert. It's probably a good thing I barely remember that show.

Don't need nothing! But a good time! How can I resist?! Don't need nothing! But a good time! And it don't get better than this! PUKE!

This issue begins with Eiko having a party in which the surprise guest is DEATH! Death to all of the heads of the families at the party! It sounds like it's going to be a pretty shitty party. It sounds like it's almost going to be as bad as the party my cousin threw for a bunch of her twelve year old friends where I (fourteen years old) lip-synched to nearly the entirety of Huey Lewis's album, "Fore!" Holy shit that's more embarrassing than admitting I went to a Poison concert! Worse yet, I was wearing the kind of funky Hawaiian shirt that isn't Hawaiian at all but sort of hangs like one but had shapes and wavy lines and pastels in the way 80s shirts had those things? None of them kissed me at all during that party.

Stephanie Brown doesn't like the idea that the party is about killing people because she just wants to meet a cute guy and say, "Spoiler alert! I want your dick inside of me!"

I tawt I saw a pussy twat! I did! I did see a pussy twat!

Stephanie Brown learns that somebody else came along and shot Bill Turner in the face after she thought she'd killed him by closing her eyes, turning her head, and slapping at him wildly. Don't side-eye me like that! That's how girl's fight! I should know because I've fought my fair share of them! Mostly I pick fights with women just so I can feel some skin to skin contact with them. It's heavenly! Sometimes when they pin me to the ground and pound me in the face over and over again, they don't realize how exciting it is that they're straddling me! I'm pretty sure that counts as having had sex, right?

Catwoman rushes off to stop crash Eiko's party but she's too late. Everybody is dead! That means it's time for Selina and Eiko to either fight or fuck. No wait! There's always the third and best choice of all: it's FUCKFIGHT time!

Eiko has been wandering around the party with a dildo shoved up her fanny?

This probably isn't the least sexist thing I've ever said but the previously scanned panel will probably cause me to masturbate later.

Selina and Eiko fuckfight across a whole bunch of other panels worth masturbating to as well (although the one with the metal something shoved up Eiko is still the best). Eventually Selina decides to leave and allows Eiko to make a run for it so she can evade prison. But Selina still needs to make sure her cousin Antonia is safe before she leaves the mob life behind her and gets caught up in Frank Tieri's awful stories that will probably be as bad as Nocenti's stories. Although I have a feeling that Tieri's stories will, at the least, make sense. Nocenti writes as if she expect the reader to be on peyote.

With the death of all the heads of the minor gangs and families, Eiko has ensured peace throughout Gotham. The heads that are left--Cobblepot, Calabrese, Hasigawa--are eager to keep the peace. Catwoman leaves Gotham for awhile because nobody wants Frank Tieri fucking up Catwoman and Gotham! Maybe she'll go to Toronto. Nobody cares if Tieri screws up the DC Youniverse's version of Toronto, right?!

Catwoman #46 Rating: No change. Catwoman is no longer a mobster! Yay! But Catwoman is no longer going to be written by Genevieve Valentine! Boo! Now she'll be written by Frank Tieri! Double boo! Catwoman will be adventuring outside of Gotham for awhile! Yay! I only say "yay" to that because it doesn't matter if she's in Gotham while Bruce is playing house with Julie Madison and not lecturing Selina about how she shouldn't crime all of the time while she sucks his dick. Hopefully when Bruce gets his Batman back (because Julie Madison either dies or betrays him!), he'll be a kinder, gentler Bruce who finally realizes how horribly he's been treating Selina and how much he wants to give her an adult massage without any kind of lecture or reciprocation. That's true love!

Catwoman #45

I bet my collection of Catwoman comics has more variant covers than regular covers.

Frank Tieri's name still isn't on the cover so don't take this issue for granted, jerkos! Pretty soon, Frank Tieri will be turning in a script with Catwoman getting caught stealing a huge diamond by Batman and Catwoman will be all, "You're so gay!" And Batman is going to be all, "Am not! You're gay!" And Catwoman will be all, "Make sure you realize when I call you gay that it isn't a fact or a compliment! It's my attempt to dehumanize and humiliate you by pointing out that you're a homosexual because it is embarrassing and bad to be a homosexual!" And Batman will be all, "Eww! I'll get you, Catwoman!" And Catwoman will be all, "No you will not because you are gay and my ass is not a man ass but a hot female ass that does not turn you on at all. Because you are gay." Then the editors at DC Comics will read Frank Tieri's script and say, "Good job, Frank. This is not offensive at all. For once the internet will not be angry at a comic book we publish! Just make sure the colorist does not accidentally make any black people white. Hoo boy, did we take it in the ass on mistakes like that the way a gay person would take it in the ass from another gay person."

Sure, you wince now and think, "Jesus Christ, Tess! That's ridiculous!" But soon you will read the first Frank Tieri Catwoman issue and you will remember this and you will think, "Holy fuck! Tess really is a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader and not an offensive prick for no reason like I totally believed and still kind of believe since I believed it once and why would I ever doubt what I believed even if the truth stared me in the face and asked me to fuck it in its mouth?"

Now I can't wait for Frank Tieri to start writing this book! Hurry up and run out of old epistles, Genevieve!

I really hope Genevieve got the go-ahead to kill Roman Sionis.

After the funeral, Eiko burns her Catwoman suit because she was not very good at being Catwoman. She was pretty good at getting shot and falling off of a building and being saved by Killer Croc. But she was terrible at stealing diamonds and fucking Batman.

Catwoman visits Eiko to make sure she's okay. Eiko isn't too keen on Selina anymore so nobody kisses anybody in that way that my male gaze definitely wants them to kiss. Instead Eiko points out that she's going to destroy the Black Mask. But Selina is worried that if Eiko does that, she'll be the next big target of all the gangs. I guess that means Catwoman is going to have to kill Black Mask! Preferably with an umbrella so she can blame it on The Penguin.

Antonia cements her alliance with The Penguin even without cutting off Selina's head. I guess that's important? I'll just add it to the pile of machinations and double dealings that I'm not really following very well. I guess anybody allied against Black Hand is a good thing. Hell, with Eiko after him, I'm not sure any clans are left who are supporting Black Hand.

Black Hand sending thugs to beat up kids in an after school program doesn't make a lot of sense but it does allow for a Bruce Wayne cameo.

Black Hand goes to see The Penguin to shore up his territory and The Penguin tells Black Mask to hide in his escape tunnel while he gets the Forster Lane Gangs in line. Once Black Mask enters the tunnel, The Penguin locks him in with Catwoman. Yay! Although Roman didn't say, "Et tu, Oswald?"

Catwoman now has a bigger super villain kill count than New Suicide Squad.

Or maybe not. Sionis crawls back through the tunnels bleeding on everything and runs into The Penguin. The Penguin trades Sionis his life for Sionis's entire stake in Gotham. And he tells Sionis to disappear. Forever. Or at least until somebody writing Detective Comics comes up with a cool story involving Black Mask.

Eiko takes over the Hasigawa Clan and plans to hit the lesser gangs surrounding her turf hard so they know she's serious. I think that leaves one more Valentine issue before Tieri which means maybe Sionis will think twice about his Penguin deal and return only to get killed. Or maybe Eiko is going to get herself killed. How am I supposed to guess how this entire thing will end when I don't even know what's been going on for the last year?!

Catwoman #45 Rating: No change. Only one more issue of Selina Kyle having anything to do with the Gotham mob bosses and then you'll never hear about it again! Well, maybe in the pages of Batman and Robin Eternal. But I'm pretty sure Frank Tieri hasn't been keeping up with Valentine's run of Catwoman. He'll probably decide he's writing a powerful woman character so he'll start off by having her beat up some men who whistle at her. Then she'll steal a diamond but realize that it was a trap and she'll find herself in some kind of burglar intrigue! Also her bosoms will practically be overflowing out of her suit. Can Tieri write that into the script so that the new artist knows how to draw Catwoman's outfit? I think the only thing the artist needs to remember is that it doesn't zip up all the way. My head really fucking hurts right now so that's the best I can do.

Catwoman #44

This is what the Lantern Corps need! A cat on every team!

If Spoiler winds up taking the job as Catwoman's sidekick, I'm afraid she's going to have to change her name to Pussygirl. There's just no getting around it. Especially if Frank Tieri is taking on the writing gig after Genevieve Valentine. He's the perfect writer to set up that story arc that nobody else would ever set up! Because he's not very good at writing. He's also bad at writing. Plus he thinks emasculating a man by accusing him of looking at gay porn is an acceptable way of dehumanizing a person. It might be if those two people are really good friends and in junior high. Or really good friends who met in junior high and are now forty year olds named Doom Bunny and Grunion Guy. But it's not acceptable any other time for reasons which I won't go into because I can't remember why it's bad. Maybe this guy Rusty (unless his name is John!) can remember. I seem to remember he knows a lot about etiquette and proper standards of behavior. If you have any questions for him, you can send queries to trentresin_666@hotmail.com. But be polite! You wouldn't start letters to Ann Landers with remarks like "You're a huge piece of shit, Rusty, and I hate you forever for what you did to me that time!" That's just uncalled for. Although feel free to point out that The Boondock Saints was an awful movie and the opinions of anybody who liked it aren't worth the time to send an email asking them their opinions.

This issue begins with Catwoman headed into the sewers to recover Eiko from Killer Croc. It also begins with another letter from an old dead person. This one is about how grief makes you disrespectful or brave or something. I guess that means Selina is going to bust some heads because of what happened to Eiko. Black Mask may have finally made a major mistake. Unless he made a major mistake earlier and I just missed it because I don't really know what's going on in this comic book anymore. I'm just rooting for Selina to win!

Killer Croc offers to take Eiko home now that she's had a nap and recovered from her bullet wound and the fall from the top of a building.

You can't be careful fucking a crocodile man!

My cat just walked into the room screaming at me and I called her Fingercuffs. I think she disapproves of felines consorting with reptiles.

Black Mask gets footage of Killer Croc escorting Catwoman home to the Hasigawa residence. That's probably going to piss Eiko's father off when Black Mask uses it against their family. Although Black Mask can't cause any more trouble if he's being digested in the belly of a crocodile man! Hint, hint! Although maybe that wasn't subtle enough to be considered a hint. Suggestion, suggestion?

Spoiler goes from training with Eiko and being pissed at Catwoman to running into Catwoman and working with her. Stephanie just can't resist the call to action. She's tasked with stealing evidence from Keyes and Alvarez. The evidence consists of the information a murdered man named Bill Turner had on Batman and the Bat-Family. After getting Stephanie to sort of agree to help, Catwoman throws herself off of the top of a building because that's how people in Gotham City travel. Apparently this city was designed like a monkey cage in a zoo. You can get to anywhere from anywhere by simply leaping around.

Selina is just trying to find a way out of the mob style drama of Gotham now without losing anybody else she cares for. I don't mind if she loses some of them because I'm not really attached to any of them. Although I wasn't attached to Antonia's brother either and his death was dramatic and touching. I just hope Valentine writes the deaths of Keyes and Alvarez as comic!

I know I've stated multiple times I want Catwoman back doing her burglar shtick but I'd rather have Valentine's Catwoman in the mob than Tieri's Catwoman doing anything at all. Even loads of sex. Well, maybe I'll try that for a little while!

Even if I can't quite follow all the intricacies of the crime family plot, it's a thousand times better than any story in the pages of Catwoman since The New 52 began. And I could be completely lost until the end of time in the overall story as long as Valentine keeps giving me moments like this:

I have no faith that I'll get any scenes like this from Frank Tieri. His would have ended with Antonia saying, "Don'y listen to ward! He's gay and into gay stuff!"

Meanwhile while Eiko is out and about the city, The Black Mask uses the knowledge he gained from his surveillance of the Hasigawa building to sneak in and begin murdering everybody. He doesn't play fair but at least I don't have to wonder who is on whose side when bullets begin flying.

Apparently Black Mask assumed it was Selina Kyle in the Catwoman mask being taken into the Hasigawa building. He believed he had been betrayed by the Hasigawa clan and that they were working with Selina Kyle and the Calabreses. Black Mask confronts Eiko's father with a picture of Croc bringing Catwoman into the building and asks him to deny the partnership. Eiko's father puts it all together and realizes it's his daughter in the Catwoman suit. He refuses to betray her to Black Mask and accepts death instead. So another fucking death of somebody I didn't really give a fuck about but done in such a way that brings tears to my eyes. Mostly because Eiko will never know how much her father truly loved her, and what he now sacrificed simply to keep her safe from Sionis.

Eiko returns to find her father murdered and a message on the wall: "Play with the cat get scratched". Well, not if you're careful. And you own a pair of chainmail sharkproof gauntlets.

Catwoman #44 Rating: +2 Ranking. Most writers can't make the death of a main character emotionally moving but Valentine has killed off two nobodies in Catwoman and they've both been heart-rending and/or gut-wrenching. It goes to show how much can be accomplished when a writer treats all of her characters as three dimensional human beings moving throughout a realistic landscape with their own motivations. These characters aren't just set pieces for Selina Kyle's story. They aren't just a bunch of faceless xenophobes screaming for Superman to go back home to his dead planet. Valentine has built a world that, while maybe it isn't exactly the best fit for a "Catwoman" comic book, is a living, breathing landscape that is well worth reading. She's been a bright oasis in the deserts between Nocenti and, quite soon as we exit the other side of her shade and water, Tieri. I'll enjoy this while it lasts because I have absolutely no faith in a Frank Tieri Catwoman series.

Catwoman #43

I'm a feminist with a freedom of speech problem.

Is everybody ready to be confused?! I don't mean by me! I mean by Catwoman's mafia problems. I'm not sure I completely understand this comic book but I'm going to pretend that I do so nobody realizes how dumb I really am.

Selina is taking the night off from trying to figure out whose loyalties lie where. According to the non-variant cover, she's going to a meetup with the new Batman. I hope Gordon remembers to lecture her and treat her like a child or she's going to know instantly that the person inside of the Honey Bunny Batman Armor isn't her fuck buddy.

But first, Eiko has to pretend she's loyal to her father before going off to stare at Spoiler's crotch. Or help her train. Maybe a little bit of both. Eiko and Spoiler hit the town at night to find out what Black Mask is up to. They know that some of his men will be hitting a gang that recently went over to the Calabreses. On their patrol, they find that some more of Black Mask's men hit up The Penguin's guys in Forster Lane. And then Eiko realizes Black Mask must be going for Selina, so she ditches Spoiler to go warn Selina.

Instead she runs into Black Mask who simply assumes that the woman in the cat outfit is Selina.

Black Mask might be surprised when he next runs into Selina. And Hasigawa might be surprised when he finds out his partner just shot his daughter off of a building.

While Selina and Eiko are out goofing around, Antonia pays a visit to The Penguin to extend her hand in friendship. The Penguin seems interested but only if she delivers to him Selina Kyle's head. That might throw a wrench in the works. Especially if Commissioner Batman squishes Catwoman's head into jelly when they fight later. I hope he remembers he's a hugely strong robot with no sex drive and she's just a dainty little female fuckbeast.

Shit, that other Batman most certainly doesn't deserve you!

Catwoman easily escapes Commissioner Batman's clutches because he acted out the encounter all wrong. First he actually tried to arrest her. Plus he didn't tell her how she was fucking up her entire life. And then he didn't try to press his robot body against her. And then he forgot to let her go. I mean, she got away! But he tried not to let her.

Selina winds up on the streets in a disguise which doesn't fool the man leaving the Lucius Fox Center for Gotham Youth who allows her a moment to hide from Commissioner Batman.

Who is this kind man and what did he do with Bruce's lectures?!

As Catwoman climbs onto her balcony at the end of the night, she's caught by Antonia. Selina really is crappy at keeping her identity secret. Although it might be a good thing this time since Antonia had climbed up the balcony to take Selina's head. Perhaps Antonia will rethink that now that she knows the family has a super villain burglar working for them.

Lastly, Killer Croc decides he needs a nearly dead woman in a Catwoman suit to liven up the sewers.

Catwoman #43 Rating: No change. I like this comic book much better when it's not all about crime family loyalties. I don't care anything about the Gotham City crime bosses. I just want to see Catwoman steal jewelry and try to seduce Batman. I guess this is the era where DC decided none of their characters should be recognizable. Superman is powerless. Batman is happy. Hal Jordan is interesting. Doctor Fate is Ms. Marvel with a cool helmet. Catwoman has become The Penguin. Wonder Woman isn't a feminist icon. Aquaman has been banished from Atlantis and is suffering from a severe priapism. Black Canary sings in a band. Batgirl is a hipster. Martian Manhunter is Mister Biscuits. The Flash...well, I guess The Flash can still run fast. So at least something is still normal in the DCyou!

Catwoman #42

Why have all of my Catwoman covers been so silly lately?

I think Genevieve Valentine could write a really great Catwoman story. I wish DC Comics would put her on Catwoman!

This comic book is still suffering in much the same way Green Arrow suffered for so long. Both comics were written terribly by different writers for years. But then Green Arrow turned around when Jeff Lemire took over. It was written much better but it still didn't feel like a Green Arrow comic book. And now Catwoman is finally being written well but it's just not a Catwoman comic book. I suppose I could look at it as some kind of Catwoman Year One book. Maybe she grew up in the periphery of Gotham Mafia life while toying with being a super villain burglar by the name of Catwoman. Forget all the Nocenti "adventures" she had. Let's pretend she only had a few major capers, just enough to have built a bit of a relationship with Bruce. Perhaps we can forget about Winick's Catwoman #1 where Batman and Catwoman fuck because that really didn't go anywhere, right? So Bruce and Selina have enough of a flirtation going on that Selina now wants to hunt down Batman who has supposedly died. Her Gotham Mafia life she wasn't really interested in and was only thrust into when Rex found himself in prison is really beginning to fall apart due to her personal conflict with Black Mask. What better time then to don the Catwoman suit for good and truly become the Catwoman DC fans are hungry for? After this Gotham Mafia story arc ends, it will have built a history for Selina and built a better, fleshed out world for her individual adventures. We can understand better where she fits into the criminal underworld of Gotham City. Valentine has already set up a beautiful character sketch of Selina and her philosophy and morals. We have seen how she wants to help Gotham as much as Batman does but with a different set of tools and a vaguer sense of morality. Seen this way, I can truly appreciate what Valentine is doing. Right now, she's building up Catwoman's foundation and the framework of her life. With the disappearance of Batman as a catalyst, perhaps we're finally going to get some sheet rock put up so it really begins to look like the house we want Catwoman to live in.

That was such a bullshit strained metaphor! I'm such a terrible person for having written it! That's what happens when I write stuff that I truly believe instead of spewing my usual gobbledygook which I forget about as soon as I'm on to the next paragraph.

Keyes and Alvarez are still in this comic book doing mediocre police work.

Selina is too busy trying to get the crime families loyal to the Calabreses to accept the Falcones back into their fold to look for Batman. She'd better hurry though before he marries his new boss Mrs. Madison. I have a feeling Selina is going to discover Bruce's secret identity in her search for Batman. That'll help bring the two closer together.

If DC were smart, they'd allow Batman and Catwoman to trust and care for each other. It would be a much better relationship than Batman constantly lecturing her on her methods of helping Gotham. Let them have a relationship where they help and support each other even if they know that they can't completely commit to each other because of their love of the city and their need to keep it safe. Then DC gets the best of both worlds. You keep them at a distance so they're always in that tantalizing will they/won't they relationship and you get them actually caring about each other instead of being dicks to each other! It's not hard, DC Comics.

Selina is still meeting with The Penguin in secret as they try to figure out a way to bring down Black Mask without causing a gang war. Black Mask doesn't seem to care as much for subtlety. A Hasigawa assassin tries to murder The Penguin but Selina saves Oswald's life. Penguin kills the assassin so Black Mask will be none the wiser as to Cobblepot and Kyle's relationship. Of course he suspects it exists which is why the assassination attempt, I'd imagine. But even if Black Mask doesn't trust Penguin and his Forster Lane Crime Family, he can't act like he doesn't. This Mafia Crime stuff is so complicated!

Except it gets more complicated because the assassin was after Selina which, it's possible, The Penguin knew. Selina also doesn't fully trust Cobblepot with good reason. His loyalties kick in precisely at the moment he can see who will win. Until then, that bird is going to ride both trains to Winningtown.

Jesus Christ, what is wrong with my metaphor machine?! I think it's on the fritz because my head is overheating trying to pretend that I understand all of this underhanded Mafia business!

How about I forget about all the intrigue and concentrate on Catwoman's search for Batman? That's something I can understand!

She's under the sofa! Up in the springs!

Catwoman decides to search Bill Turner's place and runs into Spoiler who seems to be after Turner's Bat-Records too. Spoiler is a bit lost now that Batman is dead and her father is dead and Harper doesn't have her own comic book title. Spoiler thinks Catwoman needs a sidekick so she attacks Catwoman to prove her worth. But Spoiler isn't worth much yet so Catwoman just knocks her down, gives her some lousy advice, and leaves.

After the Spoiler spanking, Catwoman finishes her search of Turner's residence and finds a key hidden on the outside of the building where only Bats could find it. So she's on to something! Probably Batman's secret identity!

And then Catwoman offers to help train Spoiler. But not Catwoman Catwoman! Eiko Catwoman! That must mean she's going to get her own comic book soon and it will probably be called Catwoman Loves Spoiler.

Catwoman #42 Rating: +1 Ranking. Selina is moving further away from the Crime Family Business in small increments every issue. She spent much more time in the Catwoman suit this issue at the expense of leading the family. Antonia had to head up some a meeting of the crime families to figure out what to do with the Falcones and it seems she squared it all away. She can handle leading! Great! Now Selina can slowly let Antonia and Ward completely take over, right?

I have one last question: What is this a drawing of and why did this artist show it to The Penguin? Is it supposed to be Spoiler? Does this mean Penguin has people spying on Catwoman? Or is it something entirely different that I'm too stupid and confused to figure out?

Catwoman #41

I don't understand this cover but it looks great.

Catwoman! She used to be a cat and a woman! But now she's a mafia person and a woman! I'm glad she's always a woman because meow! If she were Catman, she'd be gay. I mean bisexual. But she's not gay! She's, um, bisexual! Oh my God! Catwoman and Catman are the same person!

Why does DC Comics equate being bisexual with being a cat? Is that an Urban Dictionary thing I don't know about?

Let's play a game! Who is the correspondence in this issue going to be from?! It's got to be from a woman who was in power and it's got to be old enough to be hardly understandable even if it's in English (and you understand English which I'm assuming you do since it's the only language I sort of have a grasp of)! That probably means it'll be from Queen Elizabeth! I don't think any other women were allowed to be in power until 2060. And then she was only was allowed to be President of the World because she was half robot.

The issue begins with Catwoman running a scam on the Falcones. She switches the Falcones monthly offering to Black Mask with sequential bills so that Black Mask cannot spend the money. Although I don't see why not. I'm supposed to believe that police departments are competent enough to somehow track money back to the person who spent it just because the serial number is being tracked? I think that's a myth! I'm not going to buy into that myth anymore and neither should all you big drug runners and mafia types! I guarantee you won't be caught spending sequential bills! I stake my life on it! If any of you get into trouble, you have my permission to rot in jail while I laugh and enjoy my freedom.

Selina is still on a Lucretia Borgia kick so her correspondence is just the motto of Cesare Borgia: "Caeser or nothing." Actually she says it in Latin first but since comic book readers are unintelligent bores, she translates it for us. I mean for them. What it means is Catwoman is turning Gotham into a place where if you don't side with the Calabreses, you get nothing.

Selina runs into Oswald Cobblepot at the opera so Cobblepot might think "Caeser or nothing" means "Penguin or shallow grave." He's learning things through powerful old timey women too!

After the opera, Selina Kyle hears of Batman's death.

I guess she's sad that she'll never ever again be told how she's fucking up her life at every turn.

Eiko stops by to take advantage of Selina's grief. Or to comfort her. Tomato, tomato pronounced differently than the first tomato.

Alvarez and Keyes are still in this comic book. They've been assigned to investigate the murder of an ex-cop turned private investigator named Bill Turner. They see it as punishment for investigating their own trying to find out which cops are on mafia payrolls. They've been working with Selina because they're on Selina's payroll and should be investigating themselves. No wait. I think it's okay to work with a mafia leader if you're not taking any money and you're helping her to figure out which other cops are working for other mafia leaders but accepting money for it. I'm sure they wish Ann Nocenti never dragged them into this comic book.

The mafia stuff takes place and it's mafia stuff that takes place. Loyalties are challenged. Bodies are counted. Leaders are overconfident. Little friends wait patiently to be introduced. You all know the drill!

Selina lets Antonia take care of the business with negotiating a new truce with the Falcones because she needs to go search for the real Batman because having sex with a Robot Batman is dangerous.

The moon is so low in the sky, it's in front of some clouds. I sense a company-wide Eclipso crossover coming!

Catwoman #41 Rating: No change. Except for the comic book needing a serious change of pace, I'm still a bit unclear as to how Selina Kyle gets to be head of the Calabrese family. So Rex told some people she was his daughter and that's that? Is she really his daughter? Why was this an acceptable move on Rex's part to put her in charge? Why are there so many characters that I can barely keep straight? At least Ward discovered Selina was Catwoman this issue which probably means her time as a Godfeline is almost over.

Catwoman #40

Another poster I knew close enough to get partial credit, rounded up, leaving my guessing the movie poster streak at 100%!

After walking to the comic book store a week and a half ago, I stopped by The Pied Cow to meet the Non-Certified Spouse and a couple of friends. I brought out the movie poster covers from that week to see if everybody recognized them. Catwoman was the only one nobody was sure about. But I said I was pretty sure it was a Steve McQueen movie and that the title of the movie was a single name. But I just couldn't remember the fucking name. So I asked Lord Google to give me some "Steve McQueen movie posters" and there it was: Bullitt. And then I had to watch the San Francisco car chase from the movie on YouTube. And I'm nauseated! Not just from the footage being shot from the inside of a muscle car driving fast on the hills of San Francisco but from the memories of being a passenger in my cousin's monster truck driving on those hills. Holy fuck I don't think I've ever been more scared then when he parked sideways on one of those steep hills in a fucking truck cab raised four feet off the ground. I thought for sure we were going to roll sideways down the hill.

I used to have nightmares about driving the hills in San Francisco. For whatever reason, I was terrified to drive up those steep hills. I didn't mind coming down them but going up completely freaked me out.

Who wants to bet the issue begins with some historical correspondence?!

"And I was all, 'Cleo's kid ain't even Caesers, ya know? Know how I know? Cuz he's jus' inta rim jobs, get me? That kid? That's Titus Pullo's kid fer sure cause ya know Pullo donna pullout! Har!'" -- Antony

Selina is beginning to see too many similarities between herself and Cleopatra. She's probably hoping that before she loses everything to a Roman, she can pull her asp out of the fire. Oh!

Holding one of Falcone's men hostage, Selina is hoping to put the Black Mask in the same position he tried to put her in with Nick and his betrayal. She's forcing his hand by asking that he send Mason to speak with her or the Falcone man dies. That puts pressure on Black Mask to cave to her demands or face the wrath of the Falcone family because he's putting their man in danger just to avoid dealing with Selina. She's already been threatened with a gang war so she doesn't have anything to lose. If the war starts this way, at least she knows Black Mask will have as many enemies as she does with the added benefit that she gets to make the first move.

Nobody is quite sure who the Forster Lane Book Club will side with, so Selina, having gotten in good with Lewis, one of its members, decides to pay their leader a visit.

Penguin is probably still angry that Catwoman dragged him into an Ann Nocenti story.

Penguin and Catwoman part company with some kind of respect for each other and the way the other does business. And since The Penguin's goals are loftier than any other crime boss can possibly imagine, he acts like he doesn't really care what happens during this turf war. As long as he gains the right turf and the right allies, he seems content to let the others bicker for scraps. I think he's just an arrogant, uninteresting jerk who's giving penguins a bad name!

Selina's people kick off some minor skirmishes on Hasigawa's docks to lure out Black Mask. Selina lets the Falcones have their man back. The cops get involved and somebody sets off the Bat-signal when the Egyptian Club is hit by another group. And Alvarez and Keyes are still trying to figure out why they're still in this comic book and whose side they're on and whether or not they trust each other or anybody at all.

They might as well be Laurel and Hardy.

Selina beats Alvarez and Keyes to their stool pigeons (or their wannabe rats?). Mason tries to take Antonia hostage because taking hostages is the cool thing to do. But Selina slices him open and sends him on his way. Although he does manage to shoot Antonia in the knee before skulking out of Gotham with some juicy family history that Selina will probably want to learn. Eventually. Now Selina will probably tell Antonia that she's an idiot for not following orders and staying away for the night.

Just like that!

Then Catwoman waves at Batman and the gang war takes a break for a couple of months.

Catwoman #40 Rating: No change. I really need the Cliff's Notes version of this story! Or some kind of relationship flow chart so I know who is in bed with who and who trusts what and which gang is besties with which other gang and who keeps tattling to Alvarez and Keyes and how often Eiko and Selina have sex. I'm just so confused! I think I kind of know what's going on but I don't really trust my memory to keep it all straight. And maybe dumb down some of that historical context for me, Genevieve! Sheesh! Who knows anything about the relationship between Caeser and Cleopatra! Did they know each other? Didn't they live on different continents? How did ancient people travel very far when they only had camels and jogging briskly as traveling options? Also weren't they just fictional characters invented by Christopher Marlowe under a pseudonym?! How about using some letters from Kurt Vonnegut or Ernest Hemingway next time. They're writing style is easily comprehended by seventh graders! I think I could handle that.

Catwoman #39

The oversized boobs are to distract you from finding Balent's secret kitty.

Previously in Catwoman, a whole lot of stuff you didn't understand happened between a whole bunch of people whose relationships you couldn't keep straight. But it was all done so well that you put the comic book down and thought, "I just readed some smartish stuff!" Then you played Candy Crush Saga for an hour after which you contemplated suicide for fifteen minutes. Ultimately, you dropped the subject, knowing you didn't have the nerve to ever actually go through with it no matter how pointless your life had become, and headed off to eat some Chicken Fries from Burger King.

I hope Valentine begins this issue with some correspondence from some historical personage that I can understand. Who are some stupid women who wrote a lot of letters?! I hope the opening quote is by one of them!

Surprisingly, the letter is from a man! And it's understandable because he's stupid! It's from Cesare Borgia to his sister Lucrezia and he thinks good news is as good as medicine for curing illnesses! What a dope! Of course, it was 1502 and they probably thought a lot of weird shit could cure illnesses. Back then, doctors would witness something like somebody farting a lot on their deathbed only to get better so they began feeding dying people lots of beans. Although I should be careful belittling people from the past! I'm not one of those people that equates ancient culture with innocence and naiveté. When people think aliens had to help the Ancient Egyptians build the pyramids because they can't understand how they could have been built without machines and modern know-how, it just shows a lack of imagination on the part of the modern thinker. Humans were not dumber two thousand years ago. Hell, they began building the ladder of knowledge which we stand at the top of looking down on them and their accomplishments. Maybe a letter containing good news is better than medicine! What do I know? I'm not a doctor or an epistler!

As quickly as Catwoman rose to prominence in the Gotham Underworld, she's falling just as fast to Black Mask's coup.

Black Mask gets the families close to him to agree to an assassination of Selina Kyle. But Lewis of the Forster Lane Book Club rats Black Mask out to Detective Keyes. Somebody needs to draw a diagram showing the relationships between the crime families and the police and who trusts whom because my head is too full of Spaghetti-Os to keep it all straight.

Ugh, I can't believe I used to love Spaghetti-Os as a kid. I'm sure I'm still paying, in some manner, for all the cans of that crap I ate thirty years ago!

The assassination attempt fails and the assassin is killed. It's one of Falcone's men, so Selina learns that the Falcones are no longer standing with the Calabreses. So who's left that has her back? Eiko Catwoman, Batman, Mason, and The Book Club of Forster Lane? That's not so much an army as a sparse cocktail party with cucumber sandwiches and mimosas.

Mason wants Selina to work with the Blask Mask now that he's in good with the Hasigawas and the Falcones. But it's way too late for Selina to work with the Black Mask. The possibility of that alliance died with Nick. But Selina has Mason's ear and he's Black Mask's right hand man. She also has Eiko's...I don't know, heart, maybe? And she's the daughter of the head of the Hasigawa clan, so she's got some pull there as well. And Falcone is a minor player at this point having hidden in Hong Kong for the past five years or so. All of this intrigue is too much for me! If I were Selina, I'd just put the Catwoman costume back on and go steal a famous piece of jewelry.

The Penguin hasn't made a move yet. I'm sure he's going to kill somebody in a few pages.

Smart! Selina's not a great hand-to-hand combatant. But she's a top notch fuckfighter! Now she's in a position to crush Eiko if they ever get into another fight! Er, fuckfight!

The Penguin finally turns up in Black Mask's office offering an alliance with him. It's going to be hard pretending that The Penguin and Catwoman don't already know each other when they eventually meet up again. And then all of those Nocenti stories are going to bubble up to the surface like murder victims in Slaughter Swamp.

The issue ends with Selina taking Falcone's man hostage when he comes to apologize on behalf of Carmine Falcone who claims he had no knowledge of his man working with Black Mask. She plans on holding him unless Black Mask sends Mason in exchange. This way she can put pressure on Black Mask to make a choice between Mason or his relationship with the Falcones.

Catwoman #39 Rating: No change. One of my hopes and dreams for next issue: The Penguin murders Black Mask. DC Comics killed Harvey Dent last year, I think they can let Roman Sionis go as well. The Mask can just find another face to sit on. Another more hopeful dream: Selina and Eiko both dress up as Catwoman and reenact the fuck scene from Catwoman #1. Plus less criminal underworld intrigue. I don't have any synapses left to keep the characters and relationships straight! Maybe a few of them can all die over in Batman Eternal to lighten the load on my brain.

Catwoman #38

It's fuckfight time!

I hope this comic book earns its Teen Plus Rating this month. Maybe Batman is stopping by to apologize for constantly being a patronizing dickhole. And to borrow some cash because he's all kinds of flat broke right now. Probably horny too. When is the last time Bruce Wayne got laid? Was it the pianist, Natalya?

This issue begins with more ancient correspondence that is practically in another language. Something about how Selina had to kill Nick or else the other crime families would have smelled weakness all over her. But by having Nick killed, she filled Antonia with poison and fangs or something. It's all very convoluted because that's what happens when you let people into your life. Suddenly your actions affect the way they feel and it's like, "Ugh! I just want to do whatever I want without being bothered by consequences!" That's why at thirteen, I told my entire family to fuck off! Oh wait. That's what I'm planning to do on the thirteenth of this month.

If killing family is good enough for the Queen, then it must be good enough for me! Can you rent chainsaws?

This issue must have a fuckfight in it because it's called "The Serpent." Rim shot!

Oh! I hope the fuckfight features rimming!

Selina is leaving Antonia behind as she answers an invitation to a meeting with the Black Mask. Black Mask's meeting isn't so much as a trap as an open invitation to Selina's execution. Selina knows it but what better way to make a fool of a foolish asshole like Black Mask than to kick his ass when he thinks he has the upper hand?

Doing it with your high heeled shoe is just the cherry on top.

Hopefully Selina will strangle Black Mask with her thong next! I was going to suggest she do it with her bra but judging by her shirts which constantly hang open to her belly, she doesn't wear a bra. Speaking of Selina's bras, did she lose two full cup sizes since going from Catwoman to Crime Lord?

Black Mask's mask just grins stupidly as he listens dumbfounded to Selina put him in his place. I bet after she walked out, he sputtered and ranted about how he's the goddamned Black Mask and nobody treats him that way for like ten minutes as his bodyguards looked around nervously trying not to laugh.

Selina leaves the meeting less concerned about the business of the Calabrese family and more interested in how she's going to ruin Black Mask.

Later that night, Batman tries to take her into custody for running guns. She asks him to trust her to do her vigilante thing her way just like he does his vigilante thing his way but he says that he's a man and she's a woman which somehow explains his reasoning somehow. Okay, he doesn't actually say those things but it's totally in his body language and his history of talking down to Selina and his throbbing bulge in his Bat-codpiece. Selina is tired of his shit which can only mean one thing:

LET THE FUCKFIGHT COMMENCE!

It's almost like I only read Catwoman for the fuckfights.

The fighting part of the fuckfight ends and then it's on to the fucking part of the fuckfight!

Whoops! Looks like Batman comes in his Batpants in that second panel and Selina doesn't take too kindly to it.

Then the new Catwoman arrives! Holy shit! A fuckfight à trois!

Catwoman is just checking in to make sure everything is going okay and that the gun deal is being stopped. Which is also why Batman is there. And also why Selina is there. So what's the problem? Oh right! The problem is only Batman is trying to stop it his way which is the right way. If only he realized what a benefit having Selina and Eiko running two of the crime families would be since they love to undermine their own deals! That's a lot of crime that never even winds up happening!

Batman once heard Alfred say that to somebody somewhere.

Catwoman walks away with some final biting words to Batman and he lets her go because what more is there to do? He already came in his Batpants!

Antonia winds up in jail since the gun deal was busted due to an anonymous tip. The guns got away and were probably dumped in the ocean since Selina's plan all along was to get them out of Gotham. Falcone's men on the dock were busted with all the heroin, so that's off the streets as well. At least until the corrupt Gotham cops start selling it themselves. But a lot of trouble has been stirred up by the deal gone wrong and Hasigawa has moved one step closer to turning his back on the Calabrese family and working with Black Mask instead.

I don't think anybody in Gotham is unclear about who the anonymous tip was. Selina had Nick killed and she's still found herself on the outs with the criminal underground, including her own family.

Shouldn't some huge, culturally relevant diamond come to town to be put on display for a couple weeks at this point? And shouldn't it be stolen by a master cat burglar?!

Meanwhile, things just get more complicated.

What?! I'm already having enough trouble following all the ins and outs of the manipulations and power plays!

The problem with bringing The Penguin into this mess is that now I have to remember all the previous, horribly written interactions between The Penguin and Catwoman!

The story ends with Selina spying on Mason (Black Mask's toady who has, on at least two different occasions, seemed overly concerned with Selina and her family's welfare) because she needs to know if Black Mask is going to try to kill Antonia for the gun deal debacle. Selina wanders off and almost gets hit by a car but is saved by Mason. When she asks him why he would bother saving her, he says, "What are brothers for?" Wait, whut?

I wonder if Genevieve Valentine is going to make sense of all of the stuff Ann Nocenti wrote about Selina Kyle's past? Is this the brother she had when she was an orphan on the street that I can't remember anything about because I read it so long ago and don't have the drive to dig through my comic book boxes to refresh my memory? That question is so somebody else will remind me what happened in Selina's early years!

Catwoman #38 Rating: +1 Ranking. Well written but damn if my brain is about to hit an overflow limit with the characters and relationships in this book! If this were a movie, I'd be the asshole two rows behind you constantly going, "Who was that guy again? What's he to her? Wasn't he in Lord of the Rings and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and The X-Files and Alien Resurrection and Deadwood?" Quick! Guess who I'm talking about! He was also in everything else ever filmed!