Killer Croc #1

I'm pretty sure Waylon is vomiting those bones into the air. And I can just hear the sound he made. You know that sound? The one you make when you vomit and the vomit catches you by surprise and comes exploding out of your mouth with a kind of ratchety raspy croak?

I wish I could remember a time I looked forward to reading comic books. Now it's just work. Especially since I've run out of funny things to say. Oh well. Back to the coal mine with Killer Croc. *sigh*

Killer Croc begins by defining a word as if I were some dumb bloke that didn't know what "atavastacism" meant! When did Waylon Jones get so smart that he thought he would act better than me using big words. I know better! He's just a big dumb thug! He probably received that word in his email today from Merriam-Webster.com's Word of the Day email self-improvement program. The Word of Today is "lucubration." That's an abrasion you get when you stumble after cheering because you won some money in the lottery.

When did Waylon Jones become better at languaging than me?!

If a great big stupid drop out like Waylon Jones is beginning to sound like a Modern Day Mickey Dolenz compared to me, I've got a problem! I'd better bone up on the books! I think reading nothing but comical books is rotting my think organ. Just a second while I sign up for the Merriam-Webster Sound Pretentious One Word at a Time Email Course. I don't really have time to read every email they send me though so I'll probably just read the word and guess at what it must mean. Then I'll use it all day with my made up meaning and see if anybody notices. Okay! I signed up via Twitter. Wow! Education is easy! I can't believe so many young people are whining about their enormous debts from college. I just signed up for a daily class for free! Ha ha! Who's the stupid person now?!

I can't believe DC is sexualizing this little boy. See? He's naked in a tub which automatically means he's being sexualized. Disgusting.

I don't know about how sexy the boy is in the previous panel because I'm not a weirdo pedophile that likes lizard boys. But man is his aunt sexy! I'd let her scrub me with a gigantic piece of coral! Or pink kryptonite! Or her vagina! I haven't declared a new favorite character in quite some time so I'm going to do that now! Auntie Flowers is the best character DC has created so far! I can't wait until Birds of Prey gets a new roster with Auntie Flowers, Tig the Vampire, Alysia Yeoh, Sleen (Captain K'rot's Raccoon/Kitten friend) and Ferdie. Holy shit that comic book would give me a lucubration!

Too bad that scene was from twenty-six years ago. That probably would put Auntie Flowers in her forties which might not make her a very popular hero according to DC's stupid managing editors that make stupid decisions all of the time and really don't know what sells. If they knew what would sell, they'd call themselves Marvel Comics with Batman! I think a black woman in her mid-forties would make for an awesome team leader. She could probably kick Black Canary's ass.

This issue is written by Tim Seeley and I'm not sure he's every read a Killer Croc story in his entire life! Why else would Killer Croc sound like he just walked out of a college course on not speaking like a drop out thug flunky? Killer Croc is really pissin' me off with his eloquence and his not droppin' letters! Fuck you, Killer Croc! You can't fool me! You're a stupid sewer poop face that doesn't know words and things. You probably found a dictionary floating in some feces and now you're trying to better yourself. Well stop it. Everybody knows better. You're just a dumb monster!

Back to Killer Croc's time spent not learning anything, he wrestled Alligators (I can tell it's an alligator he's wrestling because it's name is "Al!") during a sideshow rock festival. But that ended when he didn't get paid enough. So he decided to rob jewelry stores in Gotham. But that didn't pay off because of The Goddamned Batman. And his annoying sidekick!

Jason Todd should really be worrying about his own flaws!

Some Gotham City Police Guys have been wandering the sewers looking for something that they lost that will get them in big trouble if they can't find it. But they're in Killer Croc's home now and he makes them pay for trespassing. Killer Croc kills all but two of them and then his followers show up. It looks like Killer Croc has an Underworld Kingdom just like all the assholes in Ann Nocenti's comic books! But at least Killer Croc's tribe lives in actual sewers and not some fantasy kingdom. And they look like people living off the street instead of High-tech Survivalists or Baron von Flamehead Cultists and Goat Ranchers.

Killer Croc was leading other were-creatures down in the sewers so I'm going to just pretend that these followers of his are more of them. I wouldn't want the Killer Croc stories from Batwoman to be erased from Canon. I'm not saying they are although I've read different! I just know I'm going to believe them for as long as I'm able and the comic books actually tell me something different.

The last two dirty cops find what they've been looking for: a key on a good cop they killed a few days earlier. But it's a little bit of a trap.

And I'm glad it was because it set up this panel which I simply adore!

It turns out Waylon is busy killing all of these crooked cops because of the man they killed. The man was a caring adult friend of Waylon's when he was a young child. And he was always there with ice cream when that fucking spooky ass Shauna would make fun of him because shit rolls downhill and she had to find the only person that was being teased more than she was. It's also interesting to think that the Ventriloquist is in her thirties.

Hey! Your Auntie Flowers wanted nothing but the best for you! You should respect her word instead of this weirdo pedophile that likes lizard boys!

Killer Croc holds a funeral for his dead one-armed friend and says some words that are probably inspiring but I'm not listening to him anymore! I'm bitter and angry that Killer Croc is being portrayed as smarter than I am! First Clayface proves he's smarter than me! And now this? It's untolerable!

Killer Croc #1 Rating: This was a pretty good story although Killer Croc's voice was nothing like Killer Croc's voice in Batwoman because his character was much better over in Batwoman. He was more vulnerable in his desperation and his average intelligence. And he didn't make me feel stupid! I wonder if maybe it's not him that's making me feel stupid but my being stupid that's making me feel stupid? OH SNAPS!

I, Vampire #18

This is not accurate! But I suppose Andrew cradling Virgin Bloody Mary's headless torso with her head resting by the UPC Label might be considered tasteless.

Once again, my stubborn brain would not let me come up with a word. This time it was "tasteless". So I googled "classy antonym" and got it! Ha ha! Fuck you, brain! Also, thank you, Lord Google, for propping up my failing intellect.

Andrew Bennett is currently a horrible, murdering, demonic villain of a vampire and yet he's gone all sad and emo when Virgin Bloody Mary was beheaded by Tig. I guess demons have feelings too. They're just usually squashed down beneath the sadism and the desire to squick everything in sight.

The story picks up with Cain about to pull his ancient love, Lilith, from a portal to Hell opened by Bennett and his buddies. Constantine has failed to stop him. Debbie Dancer is armed and ready to fight. And my beautiful, cute, perky Vampire Tig is being drawn like a monster.

I will never forgive you for abandoning us, Andrea Sorrentino! I hope you burn in hell with Green Arrow!

The narrator whinging on about love is Cain, the ultimate evil or something. He's the pre-vampire vampire, Master of All, First Murderer, Beloved or Cursed by God, depending on how you feel about the gifts of immortality and invulnerability. I guess this is a love story again! That's how it began and then it sort of lost its way but now it seems to want to end as a love story again. Unless it didn't lose its way and I just wasn't paying close enough attention. That's a distinct probability!

Cain isn't just bringing Lilith out of Hell though. Why waste a good Hell Portal, right? He's bringing forth legions of demons to give great ass pain to John Constantine. Although Constantine seems unflappable as usual.

John may be acting unfazed but I think he's secretly excited about this prospect.

Too bad nothing comes of it. The Legions never make it into the basement. Lilith never appears. And John just stands around casually telling everybody in the room that they suck at magic. Apparently using the stone from the Tower of Babel didn't just open up a portal to Hell. It created a portal linking Heaven to Hell. Constantine realizes this is going to be one gigantic cock up, so he decides it's time to leave. He figures the best thing he can do, being the master of the House of Mystery, is to send the House into an alternate dimension so that this fiasco doesn't leak into Earth's reality and cause a bunch of lousy crossovers.

Meanwhile Andrew Bennett and Tig turn into wolves and fight to the death. Andrew Bennett tears out Tig's throat while Joshua Hale Fialkov tears out my heart.

The last good guy left in the House is Debbie Dancer. So now she gets to face off against Andrew, Charles the Magic Vampire, The Van Helsing Accountant, Mishkin, and Cain. Maybe Mishkin will pull one of those Hollywood Dog Moments and recognize Debbie as his best friend which will cause him to turn on the other Vampires. Or maybe the other Vampires will all turn on Andrew once they realize he wants to destroy the world.

Or when Debbie is just about to die, somebody else will drop out of the Gothic rafters to save the day!

Oh Tig! Just don't die! I might be a shallow asshole who cannot love you right now, but I can wait until you're drawn by another artist!

Cain realizes that Bennett has become super dark and moody because he's now a repository for all the vampires that ever existed. Cain still wants to reunite with Lilith, so he releases all the Vampires from Andrew Bennett's body. They fly off as metaphorical bats and Cain finally finds Lilith.

For a green glowing gassy ball, she's pretty cute.

And then that jerk Cain does the dumbest thing ever. He uses Tig's body to bring Lilith back from the dead. I knew I hated this Cain jerk when I first saw him in Justice League Dark. I just knew he would ruin every comic book he appeared in and then ruin my life as well. Now instead of cute band-aided Tig, I have to deal with Lilith, Sorceress Whore from a Frank Frazetta painting. Should I like her? Even just a little bit since a trace of Tig might still be hidden somewhere behind the barely covered body of Lilith?

I'm sure Tig is under that slinky dress somewhere.

Now I have filthy pictures in my head because I said Tig was under that dress somewhere.

Hell begins to shove its gigantic, hate-filled, evil phallus up into Heaven's Portal and Heaven just can't take it. The Van Helsing Accountant disintegrates in the fiery backlash. Charles the Magic Vampire protects himself with the "Protecte" spell. Cain and Lilith hug. And Debbie Dancer hides herself and Andrew behind the shield she brought to the battle. Now that all the vampires have left Andrew Bennett's body, he's back to normal and regretting his recent actions.

He's also turned into Gob Bluth.

Andrew doesn't know how to close the Portal but he figures when in doubt, cast yourself in! He tries to hurl himself into the Portal in his attempt to save the world but he's bitch slapped to the floor by a naked woman stepping out of the conflagration. It's Super Virgin Bloody Martyr! She's come to save the world!

And insult Andrew's ex-girlfriend for good measure.

I, Vampire #18 Rating: +1 Ranking. That "To Be Concluded" note in the bottom is a little bit sad and means that this comic book just didn't have enough Batman.

I, Vampire #17

Isn't Constantine's ego already big enough? Do you have to declare him Earth's last, best hope as well?

Why do you suppose DC changed the title of I...Vampire in the Preboot era to I, Vampire in the Reboot era? Not that I care. Both of them suck. Maybe I, Vampire and my Blog were mixed up in this timeline. I think it should be "Eee! Vampire!" and "I, Tess Ate Chai Tea." Except then my blog name loses all of its attitude and charm and hidden swearing. Although "Eee! Vampire!" sounds like a fun book.

At the end of last issue, Andrew Bennett had taken over The House of Mystery and evicted John Constantine. That might be a problem for most of this issue but I have a feeling the real owner of The House of Mystery might show up to set things right. You know? Cain the Original Vampire? Now, he's not the Preboot Cain, obviously. But he very well may have the same relationship to The House of Mystery that that Cain had. Not that Cain is really much of a solution to anything unless it serves his own interests. So until John Constantine can do that thing he always does where he convinces his enemy that serving John is in his enemy's best interests, John is going to have to figure out on his own how to boot the squatters from his house.

I think these were my downstairs neighbors a few years ago. At one point I had a housemate I called "The Troll" and at another point, there was "Dead Boy."

John has enough magic power to drive the wolf vampire squatters back inside the House of Mystery. John's companions charge after them while John finishes his cigarette. Then he heads in too. But now that they've all entered the House of Mystery at slightly different moments, they're going to find themselves in all sorts of weird rooms and situations all by themselves! Remember Frank and Amy and Orchy and their run through the House? I think this will be a lot like that! Except with Wolfy Vampire Squatters!

Professor John runs into his lesbian grandmother. Virgin Bloody Mary winds up in a room full of the animated corpses of all of her previous meals. Deborah Dancer finds herself with zombified Mishkin (her lover the dog was named after). And John finds himself alone with Tig with his first opportunity to convince an enemy that serving John is in his enemy's best interests!

Constantine continues on the next page, "Well, kid...I suppose you should do something about that." These are my favorite moments when doing these commentaries. When something I mentioned earlier about a character actually proves out a few pages later. Although it can only be done when a writer knows his craft and allows the characters to be themselves. You'll never see me correctly guessing how one of Scott Lobdell's characters is going to act!

While the good guys are involved in their little House of Mystery detours, Puppy Mishkin and the two lesser members of Andrew Bennett's team, the magic vampire and the Van Helsing's artifact librarian, are busy doing some magic rituals involving the brick from the Tower of Babel. The librarian says something in Runespeak but he fucks it up so I don't know if his spell is going to work. He says, "Sere's the damn Runespeak again." Pretty sure he meant to say "here's" instead of "sere's". Dumb dumb!

During the ritual, guess who appears easily enough inside the House of Mystery? Oh, you don't have to guess. You know I always make the right call!

I forget what Constantine told Cain last issue but whatever it was, he may have already convinced Cain to help out.

The ritual being performed is one which will open a gateway to Hell. Cain is here to use the portal himself and bring his bride Lilith back to Earth. And he's more than powerful enough to get through these newly vampired yahoos.

Meanwhile, Professor John's grandmother has turned into a lesbian octopus flailing on the floor. She's just a distraction anyway. Andrew Bennett is John's real problem.

Holy shit! Is that how gay sex always ends?!

Constantine must have convinced Tig that he didn't kill her father because instead of being dead when he next appears, he's wandering in on Virgin Bloody Mary covered in writhing corpses. He saves her and then binds Andrew Bennett to the wall before heading off to close the portal to Hell.

This comic book might as well be the first issue of Constantine. Or the last issue of Hellblazer. Maybe it's the bridging story.

By the final page, it seems like Constantine fails to close the portal before Lilith comes through. None of that is shown though so it may not be too late. It could be Cain merely jumping the gun. But that's secondary news. The real ending is when Virgin Bloody Mary kisses Andrew Bennett and he bites her lip to begin sucking her blood to change her back to normal Bloody Mary! But he doesn't get to finish the process before my sweet baby Tig comes back into the story.

Apparently Tig is a huge nerd.

I, Vampire #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. Two of the supporting characters were killed in this one? Feels like they're closing up shop! I just hope Tig survives and winds up in Green Arrow where she can once again be drawn by Sorrentino and I can continue to crush hard on her.

I, Vampire #16

Is it time for another DC Origin story lifted directly from The Bible?

Last issue ended with Cain alive and well again. Not metaphorically alive and well as a vampire but really alive and well as a human child. At this point, I think DC has brought back more characters than it has killed off in The New 52. It's only a matter of time before Ted Kord is back with us! Currently the most unrealistic thing in DC Comics' history is that Ted Kord was killed and that was that for Ted Kord. Ralph Dibny immediately became a ghost detective after he died. Every other hero has been resurrected at least once. Hell has been shown to exist. Heaven has been shown to exist. Multiple planes of existence have been shown to exist. So where the fuck is Ted Kord? Is he the one person in all of DC Comics' history to simply wink out of existence? Even the people who simply winked out of existence ended up in Limbo!

I bet at some point DC releases at least one comic book called "The Preboot" or something like that. It will be like DC Universe Presents but tell stories of the characters that everybody bitching about the New 52 know and love. At first it will sell better than Batman but pretty soon everyone will start in how "it's not the same" and "DC isn't spotlighting the correct people" and "Why is Ted Kord still dead?" Although I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that will be asking the last question. The sales figures will drop rapidly and DC will cancel the title and that will be the end of that. This will happen because fans are never happy with what they get because it's never what they imagine or expect. The first issue should spotlight Amanda Waller walking past the gym.

Anyways, Biblical origin right on cue:

I need to learn a segue other than "anyways."

Cain explains how he wandered the desert until he found a dessert by the name of Lilith. He turned her into whatever he was (Pre-Jewish, I guess?) and they were married. In the Bible, Cain's wife (like Lot's wife and Noah's wife and probably many other wives) didn't have a name so Lilith is as good as any since it's dripping with slutty, evil meaning.

The name of this issue is "Nimrod's Son." I've explained Nimrod a few times already in my Action Comics commentary, so read those if you give a shit. I guess I'll find out why this is called Nimrod's Son even though Nimrod was the son of Cush who was the son of Ham who was the son of Noah and what does that have to do with Cain? I don't know if Nimrod ever actually begets anybody in The Bible.

Back in the Van Helsing's Secret Armory, Andrew and Tig and the new guy and the dog are looking for weapons to conquer the world.

Or just some brick to open the gates of Hell.

Of course the super secret armory in a super secret pocket dimension is full of traps because you can never be too careful especially when your enemies are an army of immortal blood-sucking bastards. The new guy sets off a trap and stone monkeys fly out of the walls to stop them. I might be ignorant of the entire Vampire Mythos but I've never heard of one of their weaknesses being flying stone monkeys. Although I might have the flying part wrong. And the monkey part. And possibly the stone part. It's hard to say since the artist isn't really trying to draw to reality or continuity anyway! One panel Tig gets her left hand seared off. Then in a following panel, it's there. And then in a subsequent panel, it's a stump again!

Luckily, that's the only problem with this book so far.

Meanwhile in London, Virgin Bloody Mary is getting sick of listening to Cain.

If only Virgin Bloody Mary were as cute as Sorrentino's Tig, I might fall for her too! Rowr! The attitude on this minx!

The next thing that happens is the only thing that could happen to a vampire turned human hanging out with the Biblical Cain in a pub in London: John Constantine arrives. He wants to help get the old, boring Andrew Bennett back because that bloke never felt motivated to do anything on his own. He was always just reacting. And John Constantine likes the world to be populated with those kinds of people. He shows Virgin Bloody Mary what's happening at Castle Van Helsing so she'll take him seriously.

What is happening at Castle Van Helsing? Andrew Bennett is beheading and murdering the mutant zombie leader of the Van Helsing clan. The brick they were looking for is from the Tower of Babel. It's powerful because it touched heaven. Now it destroys vampires and undead mutant Van Helsing leaders who touch it. I think Nimrod might have begun the city of Babel, so maybe that's where his son will get tied into the story.

After the Good Guys get tired of listening to Cain tell his story about Lilith becoming so enraged she became a monster and massacred a bunch of people and rumors began to spread and secret society was formed to kill Cain's children, they wander off with John Constantine because he knows where Andrew Bennett will be next. And then Cain disappears.

I guess Cain should be more immortal than even Andrew Bennett since he was the first. And if Cain dies, doesn't that mean all of the vampires he created die? I don't remember if that holds true. Anyway, it doesn't matter because Cain is still the same vampire he's always been!

Back in the Van Helsing's Chartreuse Room, Tig learns that her father the vampire hunter was turned and killed. She believes the Van Helsings killed him but everybody reading this book knows that Andrew Bennett killed him. But Andrew Bennett doesn't want Tig knowing that! So he tells her that John Constantine killed him. Why is Andrew Bennett such a murdering liar? I thought Vampires were supposed to be young, handsome, and charming? This comic book has vampires all wrong! Next thing you know, they'll try to tell me that Werewolves rip people to shreds instead of courting other people's girlfriends.

John takes the Good Guys to his House of Mystery so they can meet up with Andrew in The Chartreuse Room. But the House of Mystery is locked because someone else is pissing all over it trying to make it his.

Do vampires pee?

I, Vampire #16 Rating: No change. Scott Clark is a competent artist but I'm still pouting over the loss of Sorrentino. I guess I won't have to pout for long though since DC seems to be canceling this title due to stupid fans that don't know how to enjoy well-written comic books and can only enjoy comic books with characters from DC's cartoons. Fandoms are full of people in love with the idea of a character but don't actually give a shit how that character is being written. They just ignore the horrible stories and fill the pages they're reading with head canon and fantasy relationships. I told I, Vampire it should play up the romantic aspect more! Maybe set it in junior high! If a person's feels in life were graphed, Junior High would be the peak towering over every other time in their life. Except maybe college but the majority of those feels would be experimental.

I, Vampire #15

Oh no no no! What happened to Andrea Sorrentino? How dare Lemire steal him over to Green Arrow! What about my Tig's face? WHAT ABOUT MY TIG'S FACE!?

Tig still looks cute humping this guy's shoulder on the front cover but who wouldn't look cute humping some guy's shoulder? And the cover was by March so she kind of looks like Selina Kyle. I'm surprised Andrew Bennett's boobs aren't bigger. I guess it's a good thing if Tig isn't drawn as cute as Sorrentino draws her because then I can go on with my life and stop pining over a fictional vampire character. Also, Tig? What's with the band-aids? Accident prone or lazy-ass haute couture?

Last issue, Ex-Bloody Mary, Ex-Professor John, and Deborah Dancer (Andrew's ex!) were on a quest to save Andrew from his evil self. As his evil self, Andrew doesn't realize he wants to be saved. But once he's saved, his good self will say, "Thank you for saving me!" But if his current self is the evil self and he doesn't want to be saved, doesn't that take precedence? It doesn't matter to me though. Once Andrew Bennett is saved, Tig will take over as leader of the evil army and do a much better job of enslaving the world.

Tig, Andrew, and their new mage decide to assault the castle of the Van Helsings. While doing so, the mage casts a spell in Old Portugese [sic] that says, "This is Runespeak, see?" Oh! I guess I can begin calling it Runespeak then since I was tired of calling it Old Portugese [sic] and having to explain how I wasn't the one misspelling Portuguese! So they begin fighting and I just have to say, I'm not feeling that special something toward Tig. I'm sorry I'm so shallow, Tig, but something has changed between us.

I'm just not drawn to you anymore. That's a pun!

It's not like my love for Tig was based on her personality or her charitable works or her skill with a crossbow. She's changed her look and now I've lost interest. I guess I'll probably be developing a crush on Green Arrow come issue #17!

The greatest army of vampires in the world and across all of history cannot stand up to one Vampire Lord, one Vampire Mage, one Vampire Sweetie-pie, and one Vampire Dog. If only they'd learned the spell "Zilwan," this fight would have been over in seconds. That's a Sir Tech's Wizardry joke! Look, if I have to explain my jokes, you're just not living enough! Sure, some might say they're not really jokes at all if they need a lengthy explanation appended to them. But I like to go the "blame others first" route.

Eventually Andrew encounters the boss of this level: the original leader of the Van Helsings who was ripped apart by Andrew twelve times already. Now he's been put back together and it looks like they might have added some extra parts because he's a giant.

They probably didn't know exactly which pieces were his in the big Utah Van Helsing Massacre, so they just shoved as much flesh as possible together to form this brute.

The brute might also be a hypocrite since what is he if not some kind of Hellspawn at this point? I don't think Heaven is exactly partial to necromancy.

Meanwhile the goody-goodies are gallivanting about England looking for the place where Andrew Bennett was turned into a vampire. Luckily for them, Andrew Bennett came from a noble family and they had a plaque erected directly on the site of his terrible carriage accident which was really just an everyday vampire attack. Maybe not "everyday" since the vampire doing the attacking was The First Vampire, Cain. Also luckily (unless this is more "preparedly"), Professor John knows enough magic to raise the ghosts of any who died on this spot. He manages to raise the ghost of Andrew's carriage driver.

The carriage driver calls Mary a whore and then screams "Unclean!" until he dissipates. They decide they're on the right track and head into Bennett's Woods. That sounds like a pretty promising place to find Andrew's place of death! What they find is something altogether unexpected. Or maybe not so unexpected. But he is supposed to be dead!

What's this world coming to when you can't trust a comic book death?

There are far too many Cains in the New 52. And by far too many, I mean one. But there's the hint of the other one since the House of Mystery is flying around. And there's the possibility that The Unknown Soldier is always an incarnation of Cain within a human body, sharing memories and experiences. So even though only one of those actually exists outside of my mind, it's too many.

Meanwhile back in Castle Van Helsing, the evil trio have fled from the Giant Undead Captain Van Helsing and found their way to the library. Here they find a book that isn't the Necronomicon and use it to teleport to the place Andrew was looking for.

Obviously the book has a vagina*.

I, Vampire #15 Rating: No change. I'm severely disappointed that Andrea Sorrentino has left this title to draw Green Arrow. I would hope that this was just a guest artist but I have a feeling that the quality of Sorrentino's art means he can only do one issue per month. It feels like he's going to be wasted on Green Arrow but what do I know? Jeff Lemire actually has some pretty grim plans for Green Arrow, from what little I've read. And Green Arrow does need all the help it can get. Maybe I should be happy for the title but I just lost my Sorrentino drawn Tig, so I'm going to go off and mourn for a bit.

*FWASH is the sound effect made popular by Supergirl's vagina when it explodes.

I, Vampire #14

This comic book used to have my favorite covers. They've gone a little bit downhill.

Last issue there was a cute little female vampire named Tig and an angry super vampire composed of every other vampire ever named Andrew Bennett and a half-vampire wood chopper named Deborah Dancer and an ex-vampire bad-ass named Bloody Mary and they were all in some kind of a Mexican Vampire Standoff.

Did I mention how cute Tig had become as a vampire? Am I getting young girl teeny-bopper vampire-love feelings for a comic book character? Is this how the obsession begins? No, no it isn't. Just thinking about these relationships between young mortal women and ancient vampires brings the bile to the top of the throat. Haven't any of these vampires read Lolita? Don't get me wrong! I don't think there's anything wrong with an 1800 year old vampire having sex with an 18 year old mortal. That's just nature! My problem is believing that an 1800 year old vampire would want to do anything else with an 18 year old! They must have the worst conversations ever. Neither one gets any of the other one's references. The mortal has a handful of funny stories that are exhausted in a few dates while the immortal won't fucking shut up about the Old World. Where exactly is the upside to the fantasy? And does the eventual, horrible, awful downside of the "relationship" ever come through? I think reading Twilight should evoke the same creepy, crawly, disgusting, out-of-control feeling that Lolita evokes. I think every copy of Twilight sold should have to be packaged with a copy of Lolita. Take that, inappropriate lovers!

At least Let the Right One In gets the manipulation right. Now that's the Lolita of vampire movies!
I'm going to shut up now! Where is my darling Tig?!

Oh Tig! The things I'd do to you! I'd make you feel so awkward and uncomfortable as I piss myself and fall into a ball mumbling, "Don't kill me! Don't kill me!" Sweet, sweet Tig!

That dirty whore Bloody Mary and her bastard cunt arrogant prick friend "The Professor" have barged into haggy Deborah Dancer's log cabin to try and kill my Tig! Oh, and Andrew Bennett. But who the fuck cares about that drag queen? Except that if he dies, that might kill Tig. So stay away from Andew too, you wanna-be vampire hunting shitstains! This comic book isn't about goody two shoes Mary and her eunuch John. This comic isn't about the good guys anymore. Although if Tig hadn't turned into a vampire, I probably wouldn't care who this comic book was about. Human Tig just didn't do it for me. But vampire Tig! Wow! She's just so...what are you doing? NO! Get away from her, you sluts!

It'll be okay. It'll be okay! She's okay, right? LOVER!

Andrew and Tig survive the conflagration without much harm. That's too bad because I'm pretty sure reading about Tig being near death and needing to be nursed back to health would really fire my imagination in a suitably erotic and ultimately masturbatory way. Having sex with a vampire is kind of like masturbation, right? About 1/3 masturbation, 1/3 necrophilia, and 1/3 pure terror! I once had a dream that I was fucking a vampire and I was holding her down against the ground as the sun was rising and the light was creeping closer and closer to her head. She turned to ash as I was still having sex with her. What the hell does that dream mean? It's pretty fucking violent. Maybe that dream means that I'm man enough for Tig! I bet she would have sparkly eyes for me if I told her that dream!

The fucking do-gooder duo and Deboarah Dancer run into the woods and away from the burning vampires. But they leave Deb's dog Mishkin to become Andrew and Tig's new traveling companion.

That's Andrew's dog. I hope Tig gets a cat.

Andrew, Tig, and Mishkin hunt down a hunter for dinner. I think that's some kind of commentary on something or other. Maybe it's just irony. Or funny! Whatever it is, it results in a cute picture of Tig eating her supper.

Falling in love with a vampire character makes me feel so young and vibrant and succulent!

What is it about male vampire characters that get their female fans in such a tizzy? I bet Anne Rice is kicking herself for making Louis and Lestat so gay. Just think of how many more millions of books she could have sold if they weren't so sexually ambiguous! By the time Tale of the Body Thief came around, Lestat was practically only into lemon parties! Is there something exciting about an elegant stranger biting you in the neck? Or does the excitement only come from the knowledge that the elegant stranger only wants to bite you in the neck and no other voluptuous trollops just above their heaving cleavage? I don't care who Tig bites as long as I get to look at her bite them seductively and maybe a little bit naked. I don't mean the victim should be a little bit naked! I mean Tig should be a little bit naked! Maybe just in her underwear with one side of her panties riding up her ass and one bra strap hanging down off of her shoulder so that the cup on one side of her bra is loose and you can almost catch tantalizing glimpses of that one boob's nipple as the cup shifts and slides. Um, the victim can also be naked too though. I don't care. It can even be a man. Especially if we're all in college!

I guess I should discuss the loser half of this comic book for awhile now. Bitchy Mary and less-than-manly Professor John are trying to convince Deborah Dancer to come to London with them. They have a stupid plan that's not even half-assed. It's more like two-fifth-assed. They need to track down Andrew's sire (can't! He's dead!) or maybe just find where Andrew was sired and recreate the moment. I don't know how this is going to change Andrew back but that's okay because they don't either. They're just basing it all on a hunch. They need Deborah because Deborah knows more about Andrew than all of them combined.

This is surprisingly insightful of Mary who has shown herself to be nothing more than a narcissistic shrew up until this point. A lot of non-previously-vampire people could improve a lot of relationships by learning this fucking lesson. Do you love the person the person is or the person you want the person to be?

While these assholes are off on their fool's errand, Andrew and Tig visit the punk bar Oblivion in New York City (as seen in Justice League Dark #0 -- Read 'em All Tess!). This calls for a couple of scans of my honeybuns.

Oh yes please do! Send her to the House of Secrets where my last comic book crush lived! Vampire Tig and Rain would make excellent BFFs!

Tig enters the club while Andrew waits outside and she begins hitting on some piece of crap magician at the bar. Ugh. He's such an ugly dildo! What does she see in him?! Why would she do this to me? Why is she taking him outside and into the back alley? Tig, please stop this nonsense. Get away from my girl!

Dammit! This is the way things ended between me and Rain! Some skanky, poorly-written douchebag with low self-esteem and great hair drives a wedge between me and my crush!

Turns out Tig doesn't really want to fuck this guy. Whew. I knew she wouldn't betray our love. She just lured him out into the alley so Andrew Bennett could proposition him. I mean offer him a job. I mean offer him a military job! This guy supposedly has more natural magic power than that twat John Constantine whose comic book can't even make it to issue #301. Ha ha! Loser! Bennett is looking for powerful people to turn into vampires to become his generals in the war against mankind. This warlock is the first member of an unstoppable army he's creating. And Tig seems to be the recruiter.

Look at the way she bites him! I would bleed so hard for her!

I, Vampire #14 Rating: +1 Ranking. Damn, I'm really enjoying this book. I'm back off the Vampire Wagon! Although when I declared I was never going to partake of any other Vampire thing a year and a half ago, I broke that promise immediately by going to see Concrete Blonde in their 20th Anniversary Bloodletting Concert. That was pretty vampiric. I have a feeling that Andrew Bennett is going to build this big, bad vampire army just to end up transforming back into his good self. And then his good self is going to have to battle Tig and this Super Vampire Army he's created. Serves him right. Also, I hope that happens and Tig kicks his ass.