Batgirl #45

What is the traditional time during the reception to fuck in the closet?

Dear Diary,
Today I was the hottest bridesmaid in all of the land. I was so hot that Alysia and Jo were probably upset that they invited me to be in their wedding. I also didn't wear any underpants! Not for sexy reasons! It wasn't like anybody was going to get an "accidental" glimpse of my goodies when I bent over to pick up whatever I fake dropped next to the cute boy anyway with all of that chiffon in the way. I didn't wear underpants so I could just swing the entire dress over my head and simply sit down when I needed to pee. And I was going to have to pee a lot because I was planning on drinking one whole glass of champagne! Oh! I also planned to do the dress over the head trick after the reception when I sat on Luke's face! My worst fear was that I was so eager to have anything with testosterone touching my lady petals that I was going to scream at the officiant to just hurry the fudge up with the vows cause I got a date with an orgasm!

Okay, yes, Diary. Alysia looked pretty hot. But she was supposed to look hot! She was wearing the wedding dress! I was in Prom Reject Formal and I was still killing it! Although one misstep with the not wearing underpants, Diary? I didn't realize how nice it was going to feel when the dress rubbed against my bare ass all night. And then dancing with Luke! And then later when that other thing happened that I'll get to! Constant fear that I was leaving a trail around the reception hall like some super horny garden slug. I hate to throw a spoiler about how the night went, Diary, but I have to say that there's no way sex is better than walking around in a constant state of anticipating sex! It's like my entire body was an erogenous zone and everything at the wedding was an erect penis!

I was lying! My most important job of the day was milking Luke's penis until he died of dehydration.

After helping Luke tie his stupid nerd tie, I came within twenty seconds of being defiled! Is that how long men usually last? The way I'm constantly wound up, I probably only need about three seconds before I explode. But just when Luke and I were about to untie that stupid tie so I could rub my vagina all over his naked chest, stupid Dick Grayson slipped through the window and interrupted.

I may have had an orgasm at this point. It may have been caused by seeing one Dick and feeling another. On another note, my shoes were ruined.

So Dick climbs in the window and he's all, "Who are you, hot African American youngster with the obvious erection in your slacks?!" And I was all, "He's the guy who's going to take my innocence later tonight! If you, you know, want to help, I suppose that would be okay." And Luke was all, "Blargle flargle dargle whut whut WHUT?!" See, Diary, he hadn't heard that Dick Grayson had only faked his death like a big jerk. I mean, if you're going to fake your death, you don't do it the Batman way! You tell your friends! Especially your friends who want to have that benefits deal! You definitely tell that friend! Maybe you even whisper it sweetly into her vagina! Maybe you write a romantic poem about how much it's going to break your heart to have to leave and remain out of contact for awhile! Maybe you take pictures of your lonely penis and send them to a secret email account that this erotic friend registered to house all of her clandestine and adult missives! What you don't do is leave and not say anything which totally causes you to miss your chance at deflowering the most beautiful ass in Gotham because she's moved on to a guy who--let's face it--is actually much hotter than Dick Grayson! And possibly too hot for me! Good thing I have the superhero gimmick to bump up my hotness by a few points!

My mouth said no while my vagina said, "GURGLE SPLOOSH GARGLE WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR WATERFALL!"

Look, Diary. This is not the time and place for intellectual and philosophical quandaries! You're not where I write my code and work on my college thesis! I was at a wedding today! You're going to have to forgive me if my mind seems to be a bit more on getting laid than it usually is (which is usually a lot). I was in the testosterone cloud of two very sexy men! If the room had had a fainting couch, I would have fainted all over that thing! Probably immediately after hiking my dress up over my head while yelling, "You both have consent!"

AnySwayze, Diary, you won't be surprised when I tell you I went out the window with Dick Grayson. I mean, I was definitely going to be straddling Luke's muscular thighs later that night so I should probably give Dick one last chance at being my first! I deserved it! He didn't deserve it but I'm pretty sure I deserved it! Dick was always the most nimble and agile and competent Batkid. We all knew he would one day take over Batman's job and Gotham would be better for it. So there's no way he isn't also super duper competent at making clitorises swoon.

Oh my god he touches his penis with that finger!

Yes, I sparred on the roof in my bridesmaid gown with Dick. Don't start trying to guess how this story ends, Diary! I'm sure you're thinking I lost the ring and didn't realize it and almost ruined the wedding but then Dick surreptitiously gets the ring back to me just before Alysia murders me with her eyeballs. I'm telling this story and you'll learn how many people I had sex with before I'm done! Just hold your pages!

Dick took the ring right off of my neck, Diary. He did it so that I'd chase him. He never could just have a simple conversation. It was always sentence, jump onto a roof, half a sentence, back flip into midair, half a sentence, swing on a pole, two sentences, land on awning, half a sentence, triple flip to sidewalk, finish the sentence, super hot smile. I knew I couldn't chase him across Gotham in my dress so I quickly got into my Batgirl suit and went off after him.

I would like to say it ended in super awesome sex but...well, you've read my other entries, Diary. You know how hurt I was when he barely acknowledged me while alive, how much my heart broke when he died, how much I found out my heart still could break when I found out he was alive...and now he was reaching out to me. Now. After he saw me with another guy. Has he been spying on me with his Spyral eyes?! Anyway. Why now, Dick? Why admit that you've had feelings for me all this time? Why tell me when...Christ, Diary. Just...just fucking Christ.

Oh yeah. He's got it bad.

I forgot to mention that Grump Canary was playing the wedding and reception. At least now that Dinah has the music gig, she's stopped giving me a hard time about burning all of her raggedy clothes!

AnySwayze, I made it back in time to be the hottest bridesmaid of the year! Dinah was all, "When I have a wedding, I'm going to call my bridesmaids 'birdsmaids!'", and nobody laughed! Well, okay, maybe some people laughed. But I totally didn't! Although I have to admit that would be a fun wedding. Strix and I would ruin that wedding cake! As long as Dinah wasn't getting married to that idiot Condor! I'd probably have to decline to be in that blasphemy of romance.

So then the wedding happened and it was all, "I do!", and "I do!", and big gay kiss! It was super romantic if you're into that kind of thing and everybody was weepy and joyous and all that crap. If you want the details, you should probably contact Alysia's or Jo's Diary, Diary. I'm not going to go into all the details of somebody else's big day that totally didn't involve me at all and made my vagina feel like a cavernous death trap that no man dare enter. I mean, the ceremony was cute and whatever.

And then I came home early in the morning and wrote this entry because Luke Fox is a gentleman. Ugh. Why am I always meeting gentlemen?! Before Dick arrived, he was all "I have a one track mind!" and "I like to say things that sound like I'm suggesting we fuck but I'm really just talking about things that aren't fucking at all! Ha ha!" And then Dick knocked Luke off of his game and now here I am all alone! Stupid Grayson. He owes me one huge orgasm!

Batgirl #45 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book is cute even though I would like it to be dirty. It is entertaining but needs more fucking in it. Sometimes the crime happens and Batgirl must change into her outfit but she never gets out of her underpants on-panel. That is a mistake that should be corrected. Luke Fox never showed his penis and that was okay but more people would have purchased this issue if he showed his penis. DC Comics should listen to my advice and make their comic books with more sex in them. Sometimes the sex could even be boring and take place in only the missionary position with the woman on the bottom. I would even enjoy that even though no animal on Earth does it in that manner. Maybe that is proof that mankind has a soul! Because they fuck in a weird and awkward position. You should read Batgirl even though it never attempts to make the reader horny. It is still a good comic book to enjoy.

Batgirl #42

I'm just shocked by her outfit.

Dear Diary,
Frankie didn't fall in the shower at all. It was a fall-se alarm! Ha ha! Anyswayze, where did I leave off? Oh yeah! My dad, Honey Bunny Batdad, was about to try and arrest me! ME?! His own flesh and blood?! The next time he calls me, I might not tell him I love him before I hang up!

A little hot piece of electricity had just escaped from Batdad's clutches and then he figured he needed to arrest somebody so he decided to take it out on me. What did I do?! Is it suddenly illegal to wear a Batgirl costume while being attacked by a supervillain?! Even if Batdad is hunting vigilantes, it doesn't mean I'm one of them! When did Batdad get so bad at police work? I could have been anybody in that costume! It could have been the first time I put the costume on to show it off at the arcade and maybe get laid but then I was attacked by a girl made out of electricity and was just trying not to die! He can't arrest me for that?!

Another reason he couldn't arrest me? I'm the Gosh-darned Batgirl!

Also he kind of gave me a chance to leave because I'm pretty sure Batdad knows I'm his daughter. I mean, he's seen me grow up for twenty years and now he wouldn't recognize me because I have a little bit of leather covering the bridge of my nose?! I mean, I don't even hide my hair! If he doesn't know I'm Batgirl, it's only because he doesn't want to know I'm Batgirl and he's using that special power that parents have which lets them deny to themselves that their child can participate in any activity that the parent wouldn't want them participating in. Not like my dad ever had to use that part of his brain before because no guy in high school ever let me pretend to fall asleep on their couch past curfew.

I'm too pretty to go to jail! My cherries would never survive!

Batdad let me go that time but his "superiors" might begin to question why the power in his cameras goes out every time he encounters Batgirl, so I might have to be more careful. Although he really should just stay out of Burnside! It's not like the crime rate here is anything that rates on a Batman Crime Scale. Here in Burnside, people just dress bad, drink cheap beer, and roll their eyes a lot. I figured that I could probably risk going after Livewire as Batgirl, so Frankie and I began researching the super villain. Maybe she can become my Nemesister! I need a Joker of my own! Although not a literal Joker because even when Batman defeats that guy, half of Gotham dies. I just want to battle somebody who is into dangerous pranks or financial misdemeanors!

Before hunting Livewire and probably saving Batdad in the process so he'll say, "Thank you, Batgirl! I am sorry I ever doubted your ability to protect this city! And I apologize for grounding you that time when you called from the Mini-Golf course to say you'd be late and I said I didn't care why you were going to be late and that you'd be in trouble if you didn't make curfew! I always knew you were a good, honest girl who wasn't out getting into trouble and I should never have treated you like you were another James Junior! You're my favorite child and the best woman in the world!", I stopped by to see Qadir. I should start calling him Qa-Dear! Or Qa-Darling! I know I'm totally going to lose my virginal curse to his nerdy penis! Cross my fingers!

Oh no wait! Maybe I'd rather give my cherry bushel to Luke Fox! GOOOSH!

I'm pretty sure since about fourteen, the amount of time I spend writing about getting laid in my Diary has increased exponentially. If I don't get laid soon, every sentence is just going to be "Somebody please fuck this beautiful bat-ass already!" Then I'll probably have tons and tons of penises scribbled into the margins (especially now that I've actually seen one and know exactly what they look like! Thank you, Lenny Kravitz! Also, who knew they looked so much like a Snausage?). Actually, I've seen lots and lots of penises! Sometimes I wish I had a penis! I bet it feels so good when a cute girl looks at it! Oh! I bet it feels really good when a cute boy looks at my lovely lava pit! I should try to get that to happen as few minutes after I meet Luke Fox as possible!

Um, so, later that night, I found myself watching Batdad's suit get fried by Livewire! "Not on my watch, bitch!" is what I didn't scream because that would have been the wrong thing for a feminist like me to scream and not because I didn't think to say it before walking down the haunted staircase.

I did say something about kicking her butt though which was probably wittier but I can't remember what I said and you'd better believe that I don't remember even though I have an I-Tic-Tac Memory, Diary! Or at least allow me the dignity of lying from time to time!

Anyswayze, I totally saved Batdad's butt because his suit shorted out and he was stuck inside. Then I totally told him what to do and he was like, "You aren't my mother! *HUGE MANGA WINK*!" That almost made me laugh and break character but it's a good thing I didn't because if he doesn't know who I am (1% chance he doesn't!), he'd certainly know me by my laugh and the way I fart when I laugh and by the smell of my fart which I would have farted when he made me laugh!

Come on, Diary. He totally already knows I'm his daughter, right?!

So Batdad and I began working together to take down Livewire!

The only way she could have made me wish that is if she'd shown me photos of a hot naked guy waiting for me in my bed!

My plan totally came together and I captured Livewire inside my future Boy-Toy Qadir's gadget he gave me. I don't know why he had a gadget lying around that was able to contain a person made of lightning. But there are bigger mysteries in the world than that! Like how can a woman as hot as me not have had like at least eighteen super decent sexual experiences in her life?! I mean ones that don't involve gadgets or bathtubs or jeans with really tight seams in the crotch!

And that's when I got home and was super tired and began writing in my Diary and then thought I heard Frankie fall in the shower!

See? Also included in this shot: the purist vadge in Burnside.

And now the revelation of what distracted me between entries which I totally cracked myself up about earlier by calling it a Fall-se Alarm! BATSNORT! It wasn't a Fall-se Alarm at all! It was a False Al-ysia! I mean, it was the real Alysia! My old roommate who gets way more action than I can even imagine! And she had a huge bombshell! Probably not the biggest bombshell currently in Gotham because it is Gotham, after all, amirite? Anyway her bombshell was...she's getting married! And she wants me to be the maid of honor! And maids of honor get laid at weddings by handsome best men, right?! Oh wait. Her fiance Jo is probably also going to have a Maid of Honor. Damn my luck! Although if I get tipsy enough, maybe I'll lose my oral sex cherry!

Batgirl #42 Rating: No change. How adorable is this comic book? It's like super adorable, right? Like more adorable than ten puppies! But not more adorable than ten kittens. It's not even more adorable than one kitten! I'd rather have a kitten. But it's still adorable! It makes me want to eat gobs of candy. It also makes me wish I was a beautiful girl in her early twenties with a whole wide world of fucking ahead of me! Oh, to be young again! And a girl! If I had been female, I probably would have banged every nerd in my high school class. Devin Pruden and Miguel Chavez and Mike Birbalaglia or whatever his last name was and Franklin Kim and Andy Nesmith and Dan Felipe and probably a bunch of other ones I'm forgetting. Those were so my people even though I was totally cool and shit. Sorry, nerds, for not being a girl!

Batgirl #37

This is how happy I would be if Batman would hurry the fuck up and get dad out of jail.

Dear Diary,

Guess who got laid?! Probably everybody but me! Why won't any guys stick their ding dong inside of me? I'm hot! I'm young! I'm super duper cute! Okay, so maybe I've got a weird hobby that kind of keeps me from getting too attached to anybody. But who wants to be attached?! I'm just looking to attach myself to a guy in one icky sticky way, see? HUGE MANGA WINK! Anyswayze, when I did finally find a guy whose penis I tried to find out how many licks to get to the center of, my dad arrested him and his brother died and his mother made the best tamales so I put on like five pounds and was too embarrassed to take my shirt off in front of him. I totally didn't even care that he was missing a leg! That probably would have just made his penis look bigger, right?

I think I might have a chance with Jason Todd but that might seem a little weird, right Diary? Would you have sex with a zombie that was kind of like your brother? Maybe I should try out for the Teen Titans. I hear they pass each other around like a box of tissues. Spunk in one, toss it away, move on to the next one hanging out of the box with its legs spread wide. I hear they even have a cute gay guy on their team. What was his name? Bummer? Punker? Bunger? Something like that.

Anyway, Diary, I should probably tell you the fun and exciting and slightly transphobic things that happened to me this week!

So it all began with me getting in a fist fight with myself!

I just fucking designed this costume and this ho-bag went and copied it? Where'd she get the fucking pattern?! And the yellow boots! You know how long it took me to find these cute yellow Docs?!

Did I tell you I've been working with Qadir ever since he made me that grappling hook and I totally saved his super motorcycles?! He's kind of nerdy looking with the glasses and a bit of nerd mouth happening and he's a bit stinky cause he's just not overly concerned about his appearance but boy is he smart! He's all like, "I'm over here saving the world, tutt tutt tutt! I don't have time to roll on sports deodorant! Tutt tutt! Anybody up for a game of the Dungeons and Dragons later?" He does kind of give me a lady boner though. I bet he masturbates thinking about how our meetings might have turned out if he'd only try to kiss me and maybe touch my butt a little bit. Am I too intimidating?! I mean, you've seen my butt, right Diary? You'd want to touch it, right?!

Oh God I need the sex!

Qadir built me a whole new phone with a blinding flash because he's like my Q. Oh! His name even begins with a Q! What a strange coincidence! You can't make up stuff like that!

Anyswayze, later I got all slutted up and hit the Dagger Type art show with my best friends.

Even with Super Grump Face, Dinah makes us all look like a pair of panties worn straight through Leak Week. Sometimes I hate that fabulous looking bitch.

Okay, Diary, ready for the Twistcockian hitch? The art show was all huge, sexy pictures of me! Can you believe it?! I mean, they weren't as hot as if I had actually modeled for them. They were obviously that bloody rag that's been running around pretending to be me. And can you remind me why I'm still hanging out with Dinah?! She thought the whole thing was a great big hilarious joke! Eww! I wish she still owned some stuff so I could burn that stuff up too!

The worst part was the picture of Batgirl in a wheelchair. Remember how somebody knew who I was, Diary! This Dagger Type knew about my wheelchair days! Well, I was going to solve this mystery if I had to knock out Dinah's teeth to do it! Oh how I wanted to knock out Dinah's teeth! This was my third case since moving to Burnside (unless it was my fourth!) and it needed a name: The Mystery of the Horribly Pretentious Artist With The Stupid Name!

Being the World's Greatest Detective That Isn't A Huge Asshole, I followed the clues which led straight to a book on American Sign Language. After reading it, I realized the photos were all signing things! At first, I thought they were saying, "I'm horny for a raccoon helicopter cookie." But then I turned the book over and realized the signs were telling me to meet somebody at the base of the Burnside Bridge! The showdown was eminent! I mean imminent! Is that what I mean? One of those!

This case had a mini-case tucked into the maxi-case: The Mystery of Dinah Being a Huge Cunty McCunt Cunt.

How was I going to get Dinah to forgive me? Was I going to have to take out a loan from The Bank of Bruce Wayne so I could buy Dinah another Dojo?! Except Hush had recently wiped out Batman's bank account, so I guess I needed to find a new rich mentor. What about Booster Gold? He sounds rich! And what happened to that Green Team? Holy cocks! I should have joined that team! MONEY MONEY BO BUNNY FANANA BANA MO MO MO MONEY!

Anyswayze, Fake Batgirl finally showed up in a solid gold uniform that made me throw up in my mouth a little bit and also pee my pants a little bit too. Since I'm not dead and I'm right here writing in you, Diary, you probably already figured out who beat up who, right? Well, kind of, anyway. I unmasked Fake Me and it turned out to be Dagger Type! The Horribly Pretentious Artist With The Stupid Name! The title of the mystery gave it all away! But I lost Dagger Type when I had to dodge a bullet and take a dive into Gotham Bay. Luckily I knew where Dagger Type would be showing up later that night! Dagger Type was going to reveal the identity of Batgirl! Oh no! Are you as super nervous as I was then, Diary?!

Don't worry. It was just Dagger Type doing some weird art thing that nobody understood. The audience failed to be impressed so Dagger Type tried to kill us all. Good thing my Q set me up with just the right gadget to take down Dagger Type! Isn't that the way all of those double-O seven movies work?

I think Dagger Type's big mistake was losing the red hair in the reveal. And possibly the boobs. And, really, Dagger Type's ass couldn't compare to mine, so nobody in the room was impressed with Dagger Type's sagging ass cheeks! Plus nobody goes in for that overly pretentious art imitating life imitating art imitating life imitating art crap anymore. The cops came and took Dagger Type away but not before I found out Dagger Type had a patron that asked for the wheelchair photo! Which means the person who knows my identity is still out there! GASP! SHOCKER! WHATTA TWIST!

I don't want to neglect to tell you about my other huge lady boner that night! Somebody call 911 because my basement just flooded! HUGE MANGA WINK!

Oy vey! My dad would kill me if I brought home a cop! Although who needs to bring him home, right, Diary? He probably wouldn't mind being used by a young woman out looking to get this huge elephant in the room out of her pants! But then again, his name is Liam. I don't think I could moan "LIAM" without cracking myself up.

I ended the night tonight with Dinah taking my picture atop the Burnside Bridge because I've gotta take control of how the neighborhood sees me. I can't let them think I'm some wild, crazy, thieving, murdering asshole. Also, I don't want them to think that I'm a prude! I want to be approachable! I want to give off a vibe that says, "I'm single and ready to pork your brains out, Gotham!"

Batgirl #37 Rating: +1 Ranking. Still adorable. Although I think the Dinah feud can wrap up any time now. Babs was right last commentary when she wanted to call Black Canary "Petty Canary." Holy fuck she's being mean to Babs! Just drop it already! Or go move in with Condor and leave Babs alone.

Batgirl #35

Dear Diary, eat your heart out!

Dear Diary,
Long time no write, amirite?! Holy Robin Outbursts, I've got so much to tell you! So much has happened since I found out that I'm not a horrible, terrible, awful fratricider! No, no! I didn't give my most precious and super bat-spectacular gift to Dick! Besides, he's dead, Diary! *wink* You know that! *wink wink* Batman is such a lousy liar! You can always tell Batman is lying when he says, "No more secrets." Bullpoo! All you do is keep secrets, B.W.! If anybody is reading this that shouldn't be reading this, "BW" is what I call Batman because his name is (B)at (M)an and I like to sometimes write the M upside down because it looks like a bat! I guess the "M" looks like a bat too. Oh, shut up! Why are you even reading my diary, you jerk!

So here's the big news first! I totally moved out of that skank Alysia's place! J.K! I mean, JK about Alysia being a skank not about me moving out. Although you didn't see where her face was that time I walked in on her playing Scrabble with her friend, so skank is probably the right word! In a non-judgmental, totally approve of it way, of course! I wish I could get Dick to put his face there! On me though! Not on Alysia's Scrabble buddy! So now I'm living in Burnside which is like Hipster Central in Gotham City Over The River! Everywhere I go, people have waxed mustaches and non-prescription glasses with huge frames and big lumberjack beards and fixed wheel bikes that are ten feet tall and nobody quite knows the difference between vintage and retro! Every place smells like coffee and vaping! And I have a new roommate named Frankie who is totally a girl even though she has a boy's name! I think she's a skank too! In fact, I'm counting on it! LOL!

The next big news that is kind of small news (although it was really BIG news if you get my drift diary which you won't get until I tell you more!) is that I saw my first real penis! Okay, it was a photo of some junk but holy moses was it real! I think it was real. It gave me real feelings in the panties! But I pretended to be grossed out because it was an unsolicited peen and that's grosser than gross. But it was kind of not gross, you know? *sigh*

Don't I totally fit in with my new specks?!

The next totally big thing that happened which might be bigger than moving but I can't remember it so it's only the third big thing that happened to me since last time we had a nice chat, Diary. I totally got felt up by some hot guy named Troy! Swoon! Double Swoon! I don't think I can Triple Swoon until he gets into my undies though! I don't want to swoon ahead of myself.

Wait. I wonder if he got into my undies? You know what? I have an eidetic memory and I can't remember the best part of my week! Stupid alcohol! I woke up still wearing the same pair, so that's a pretty good clue that they stayed on! And they were practically grafted to me, so I'm pretty sure I slept in my puddle of joy. I'm the world's greatest detective!

Also, I caught my first Burnside criminal!

I hope busting guys in hoodies isn't as exciting as it gets out here over the bridges.

I was kinda proud of my Troy game from the night before so I referred to myself as "legal" during the fight. I totally objectified myself! LOL!

I wish Dick had objectified me more often! He sure missed out on some sweet, sweet Bat-muffin!

Oh! Diary! Did I tell you that I think Jason Todd is going for the bat-muffin now?! Ugh! I mean, he's hot enough and all. But I just don't know if I can get past his zombie status! What if his wiener falls off in my butthole? Okay, so what, Diary? So I've thought about it enough times that we're already doing butt stuff in my fantasies! Don't judge me! You know how much of his sweat I've gotten in my mouth while sparring with him shirtless? He was shirtless! Not me! Scandal! Even at fourteen, he was a rippling mass of manly ripples. Whoa! I need to be careful. I almost Triple Swooned there just thinking about it!

And then guess who came back into my life like a long lost black canary! Dina...Black Canary? What kind of stupid name is that? Why haven't I ever thought about that before?! Is that some kind of rare canary that shrieks obscenities at people? I guess she took the name canary because of her canary yellow hair and her ability to smell gas! LOL! Anyswayze, Dinah came back into my life even though I practically called her a cunt the last time we were together. See, her dojo was burned down which totally sucked because that's where I'd left my mobile Batgirlcave! And guess what, Diary?! You can't insure Batgirl stuff without giving away your secret identity! So I'm like shit out of fuck luck to coin a dirty, dirty phrase! I'd like to say that in front of Batman! I bet steam would come out of his butthole! That guy is so pent up. I wonder if Alfred gives him happy ending massages! For therapeutic reasons, of course!

So Dinah suddenly doesn't have any place to stay so she comes to me? Why me?! How did she even get my new address?! Grrr! That Alysia is going to pay! I guess I'm happy that Dinah still thought of me first rather than that creepy date-rapist Condor. Looking at his stupid costume with that stupid helmet, I'm fairly certain he meant to call himself Condom. LOL!

Anyswayze, long story short, I lost my laptop! I guess that was also "long story, conclusion that makes no sense!" Ha ha! It was all part of my plan to solve the mystery of Dinah's life going up in flames and taking my Batgirl stuff along with it! I should probably think up shorter names for the mysteries I'm going to solve if they're going to fit on the cover of young adult books that will detail my life and ensure I have lots and lots of money when I retire in like 80 years!

So more big news, Diary! I joined an online dating site! For research and investigative purposes, of course!

I am so going to get fucked! KAIJU SIZED SMILEY FACE!

And while I was busy making my new costume (I CAN'T WAIT TO SHOW IT TO YOU, DIARY! IT'S FUDGING ADORBZ!), I got my first potential hymen breaker! I mean suspect!

Mmm! My ass looks tasty in my new Bat-pants! OMG! I'd eat my own ass! Gross!

I could tell by his message that Brad was an asshole. He couldn't be bothered to hit the shift arrow on his phone? And he used the apostrophe once so he knows where it's at? Why not use it in every proper instance, Brad? But he could spend the time typing way too many exclamation points? Nobody is that exciting, Brad. And using "your" instead of "you're"? Unacceptable! Also, it was total foreshadowing when he typed "hit me back"! LOL!

Anyswayze, I totally yoinked "Brad's" data as Batgirl when Gordon Barbara Gordon couldn't show up for the date. Although I guess I can't use that trick anymore or else people might figure out the connection, amirite?! Pretty soon, Babs will be getting messages like "Riddle me this, hottie! What's three inches long and ends with a bang?!" or "It's feeding time at the zoo, my fishy sweet! Waah waah waah!" or "Didn't I shoot you in the spine? How come we never got a second date? We should meet BACK up! HA HA HA HA HA!"

Turns out "Brad" aka Freddy Buttboy has been stealing phones and laptops so Riot Black can get his hands on the information and blackmail people with it. And now he had my laptop! With all of my secrets on it! And the possible footage of Probably Condor burning down Canary's dojo! That creep didn't know who he was messing with! Unless he had already gotten his fat hands on my laptop and then he knew exactly who he was messing with! Eeep!

You wouldn't believe how long I had to stare down through that skylight before he said something that I could turn into a cool one-liner!

I'm totally rocking that new costume, right Diary?! BAM! You just got your ass kicked by one hot little mama, criminals! BAM! Look at this ass! BAM! Now look at this fist! BAM! Check out these perky sweet boobs! BAM! Now look at my foot! BAM! Look at my crotch from the back as I bend over and sexily look over my shoulder at you! BAM! Batgirlarang to your boner, bitch!

My plan wasn't to totally kick Black's ass that night although ramming his head into a dirty urinal was maybe the best part of my week. LOL. My plan was just to take away all the data he'd stolen. And since having an eidetic memory is so rare, I figured he was using some kind of Batman-Villain Cyber-Crap to steal the info. And that's when my super sweet plan that even Tim Drake would bow to me over was put into motion!

I'm such a friggin' genius that I should have an army of Oompa Loompas.

And then, well, I guess I should probably tell you how my week ended although it's really kind of embarrassing. Remember how I was rigging my van to explode if anybody tried to mess with it? I know! I know! It was totally irresponsible because I could have killed some kids just breaking in to steal change out of the ashtray! But even worse? I'm totally to blame for burning down Dinah's dojo because of that stupid incendiary device! Now Dinah totally hates me and is never going to forgive me and we're never going to be friends again. Just like all the other times, right Diary! LOL! She's my bestie!

Batgirl #35 Rating: +5 Ranking. I love new Batgirl. I think I love new Batgirl because I'm pretty sure she's based on my earlier Batgirl Diary entries! They totally ripped off my Batgirl!

Batgirl #33

Why do so many people want Gotham so badly? Is there a secret cache of gold hidden in the walls?

Why is everybody constantly fighting for control of Gotham? What's so special about Gotham? Or is it just that nobody respects The Batman and the Batfamily? Nobody battles for control of Metropolis like this! Is that because Lex Luthor and Intergang and Superman and the Legion of Newsboys are too formidable? I think it's because Metropolis runs so smoothly. Suicide Slums is the only place with cheap real estate and nobody's trying to improve it because that will drive the poverty stricken, desperate people that love the thug life into other parts of the city. Property values across the rest of the city are probably pretty stable. But I bet there is a fortune to be made on real estate in Gotham! Buy property in the crime infested areas of town, wait for Batman to clean them up, sell high as the area is gentrified, and repeat as another part of town collapses under the weight of thugs dressed as clowns. Batman could probably clean the place up but Bruce Wayne likes making money too much. Batman should be the poster child for gentrification.

But enough about Batman! Apparently this comic book is about Batgirl. She's anti-gentrification which is why she's after Nightfell. I think. Maybe she's after Nightfell because Charise is crazy, runs a crew of super powered thugs, and keeps people as pets. Of course she's also rich and powerful! I bet Bruce Wayne would love it if Batgirl brought down Charise Carnes once and for all. He'll buy up all of her property for pennies and then make sure to install skylights in all the buildings.

This issue begins with Batgirl going mental on The Huntress because Batgirl is prejudiced against people from Earth 2. Who wouldn't be? Damn Twofers. Go home! Don't bring over your diseases we're not resistant to, you grubby schmucks! Stop trying to take our New Earth jobs! Look at poor Helena Bertinelli having to take a job with Spyral because you stole her gig! Boo! Hiss!

Lucky for Batgirl she didn't fight back! This Huntress has Earth 2 Catwoman training!

Once Batgirl calms down, she and her extra long torso decides to tentatively become allies with The Huntress and her extra long torso. Mostly at the insistence of Black Canary and her extra long torso who realizes that Nightfell is really a Birds of Prey type of problem. But not so much a Birds of Prey type of problem that they need to tell Condor about it. Black Canary's probably just trying to find ways to get away from that jerk. I bet as soon as she saw The Huntress appear with that crossbow, she was thinking of ways to arrange for a little crossbow accident involving Condor. Okay, maybe that was me thinking that.

Batgirl's plan of attack is to get information on Bleak Michael from Alysia since Alysia was hired by him for that job that got Ragdolled.

I knew she knew! It's the smell! You don't room with somebody and not know all of their smells! Unless it was the way Babs always mutters "I'm Batgirl!" whenever she successfully opens a jar.

I guess Alysia isn't as smart as Lex Luthor like I was hoping because she merely thinks Babs works undercover for the Gotham Police. Anyway, she helps Babs get a lead on Bleak Michael.

Instead of using whatever information Alysia has, The Birds of Prey decide to ambush him in the Three Towers Parking Garage. Seriously, they needed Alysia for that information? I guess they needed to know which car he drove so they could set up the attack. I bet his license plate says "TOXIC" or "GASMAN" or "ACDFTSH". They catch him easily enough because The Huntress has Earth 2 Batman training!

Come on, Birds! You know how it works! Bleak Michael won't talk until Knightfall tries to have him killed so that he won't talk!

Nightfell's men try to kill Bleak Michael and then he talks! See, Batgirl? You have to remember how these things always go down! That way, you could have just created a scenario by paying some of Alysia's friends to pretend to try to kill Bleak Michael. This way, you had to rely on Nightfell's time table.

Is everybody thoroughly annoyed yet that I keep calling Charise Nightfell? It's a holdover from earlier Batgirl Diary commentaries that I just can't drop!

Bleak Michael informs the Birds that in fifteen hours, Charise is going to have all the criminals in Cherry Hill killed because she's hired an army of mercenaries. So Batgirl calls in some favors with Detective McKenna, Katharsis, and the woman that has her own army trying to take down Charise Carnes. She also calls up Batman to borrow some of his equipment even though she's kind of been treating Batman like crap since Death of the Family. But that's okay. Batman expects his Batkids to be angry with him more often than not. And let's face it, he's not one to let emotions get in the way with protecting his city, is he? I'm just glad nobody made a call to Condor.

Batgirl #33 Rating: No change. I wonder how Charise is going to feel about Katharsis joining the fray on Batgirl's side? I hope Katharsis meeting Black Canary leads to Katharsis joining the Birds of Prey and Condor getting the boot! Or better yet, the axe! Right in the face! Multiple times! Over and over and over! HACK HACK HACK HACK! Um. I'm not a fan of Condor.

Batgirl #24

Don't worry, Jim. No jury of fathers in America will convict you.

I didn't realize until just now that Batgirl has been living a stereotypical junior high school girl's life. She's been mallratting with her best friend forever. She's got a gang of mean girls giving her trouble. She's been acting super crushy over a boy. And her father has been trying to ground her for fighting with her brother. And now her father just came through on a father's favorite threat and shot her boyfriend. Next her father will probably find the fake diary she keeps hidden in plain sight just to piss him off if he ever gets snoopy.

Dear Diary,
I'm not a virgin anymore. A guy totally put his penis into my vagina and it felt so much like the way sex feels. Oh yeah. It was totally the way sex feels. And more! When I pulled his pants down, his thingy was all thingy shaped and springy. Then we got the vagina funnel out and maneuvered our parts into the position they should be in when babies are made. You know the one, Diary? Where the man is on top? I think? If that's how it's done, that's what we did. I'm a woman now! And it was incredible! Or melancholy. Maybe it was both. If it sounds like I got some stuff wrong about the sexual act of sexing, it's because it was so incredible that I've forgotten the details. But I'm totally not a virgin anymore, dad. What a great day! I mean night. We totally did it at night.

Sorry, Ginger Ninja. But Commissioner Gordon has to think about all the families. And in this case, he was mostly concerned about his own and how Ricky was trying to defile it with his penis. Also I think Ricky was threatening to kill some one and Gordon is probably trained to stop that from happening.

When did the term "ginger" become the de rigueur term for redheads? It seemed to me that it was an insult for about 5% of its use before it was accepted by the ginger community and its insulting power taken away. At least in America. Maybe it has harsher connotations in England where it probably has more potential to be abused as a marker of ethnicity. When I first became aware of the term (I'm horrible with time so I can't put any kind of date on it), it seemed to be specifically about a lighter shade of red, almost an orange or a color between blond and red. So I learned it as a descriptor to help specify shade rather than an insult. Now people seem to, more and more, use it for any red head as I did here and in my previous commentary simply because the name "Ginger Ninja" just sounds too sweet to my ears. Anyway, ginger has lost its power as a derogatory term so whenever I meet any of the devil's spawns wandering the streets flaunting their freedom in the face of God's almighty will, I will usually call them "tomato goblins." But not out loud! I don't want to suffer one of their various curses!

Back to the comic book, Harvey Bullock backs up Gordon's shooting because that's what cops do. You don't go against one of your own! Gordon may very well have been justified in the shooting but it's not like he'd ever be investigated like a civilian would. But that's the civilian's own fault anyway! If you want to be able to shoot people and not worry about going to jail, you should have joined the police force! Or the marines!

Good thing Babs decided not to wear the Batgirl suit tonight. It'll just look like she was trying to stop her boyfriend from doing something stupid.

Instead of just allowing herself to be unmasked, Barbara begins to kick cop ass. I guess she's more afraid of what her father might say than getting a dozen bullets lodged in her torso. She takes down three cops and not one of the dozen or more officers on the scene begins shooting. These guys have a lot of self-control! Barbara takes down a few more while making plans for later that week. She's really good at multi-tasking! Remember that issue where she was thinking about her shopping list while being drowned by an assailant? Her powers of concentration are amazing!

So Barbara's plans are to take down Knightfall once and for all since she believes Knightfall is behind all of this. Her evidence is that Tyrell had an expensive laser gun. Right! The police often need less evidence than that to determine which suspect to hound until they confess, so Babs is already a better detective than her father. She did train under the World's Darkest Knight! Who is also a master detective!

Oh yeah. That's the last half of her plan. Hopefully she can accomplish it all before a cop shoots her.

Barbara Gordon flees the scene screaming, "I hate you, Daddy! I hate you hate you hate you!" But she doesn't get very far before Detective McKenna (who doesn't have a debilitating neck injury after all) stops her and freely hands over all of her information on Knightfall. That must be Barbara's Oracle skills coming out. The best retriever of information in the business, computer or no computer. And then McKenna, suspecting the Ginger Ninja might actually be a Batgirl alias, lets her go to hunt down Knightfall. McKenna was desperate to bring down Charise Carnes but the police just don't have enough evidence to identify her as Knightfall. So McKenna's best bet is probably to let the Bats take care of it.

Also, Ricky isn't dead yet. He's clinging to life. So maybe Babs can forgive him later, and maybe Jim can forgive Batgirl later, and maybe some hugs will be distributed.

Babs feels like her life is falling apart and she's blaming her father for more and more of the chaos. But it's not like Jim's life is full of roses and candy bars.

This panel makes me feel so sad for Commissioner Gordon. And then I remember it was his choice to drive his wife away, shoot his daughter's boyfriend, and give birth to a serial killer. Maybe he should have thought of the consequences of his actions!

You know that Sesame Street song that goes, "These are the people in my neighborhood! In my neighborhood! In my neigh-bor-hoo-ood!"? Am I the only one that walks around my neighborhood singing, "I am the people in my neighborhood! In my neighborhood! In my neigh-bor-hoo-ood!"?

Jim keeps trying to get in contact with Babs but she's avoiding his calls. Until she decides she needs to speak with him to help Ricky's mom be able to see her son who is in a coma in the hospital. On the night she finally heads over to dad's place to keep lying to him about her life, Commissioner Gordon is attacked by The Mirror. Oh no. Not that idiot! I hope he's come up with a new schtick other than "Look in a mirror! See your true self! Ah ha ha!" Meanwhile his victim just goes, "Hmm, I didn't realize I was getting a zit on my chin."

Turns out The Mirror isn't the only one there. Knightfall's entire Team B is there. She calls them the Disgraced because they were all beaten by Batgirl: Mirror, Gretel, Grotesque. Maybe her Team A is also part of the Disgraced since Bleak Michael is standing guard and Bonebreaker is inside. They all got their asses handed to them too although Batgirl had Batwoman's help that time. And obviously Katharsis isn't going to be there. But you know who is going to be there?!

Good thing her van doubles as the Batgirl Cave.

Batgirl #24 Rating: +1 Ranking. My favorite part of this storyline is when Barbara is dealing with her family problems. Hopefully when the third part finally comes out in December, half of the issue will be Barbara kicking The Disgraced's asses and the other half will be her and her father forgiving each other. I really wouldn't mind if she told him that she was Batgirl. I think the main reason she's kept the secret is because of the need to keep Batman's identity safe. But now that he's shown that he hardly cares about keeping everybody's identities safe with his Joker secrets and tying Bruce Wayne so closely to Batman with Batman Incorporated, she might as well go for it!

Killer Croc #1

I'm pretty sure Waylon is vomiting those bones into the air. And I can just hear the sound he made. You know that sound? The one you make when you vomit and the vomit catches you by surprise and comes exploding out of your mouth with a kind of ratchety raspy croak?

I wish I could remember a time I looked forward to reading comic books. Now it's just work. Especially since I've run out of funny things to say. Oh well. Back to the coal mine with Killer Croc. *sigh*

Killer Croc begins by defining a word as if I were some dumb bloke that didn't know what "atavastacism" meant! When did Waylon Jones get so smart that he thought he would act better than me using big words. I know better! He's just a big dumb thug! He probably received that word in his email today from Merriam-Webster.com's Word of the Day email self-improvement program. The Word of Today is "lucubration." That's an abrasion you get when you stumble after cheering because you won some money in the lottery.

When did Waylon Jones become better at languaging than me?!

If a great big stupid drop out like Waylon Jones is beginning to sound like a Modern Day Mickey Dolenz compared to me, I've got a problem! I'd better bone up on the books! I think reading nothing but comical books is rotting my think organ. Just a second while I sign up for the Merriam-Webster Sound Pretentious One Word at a Time Email Course. I don't really have time to read every email they send me though so I'll probably just read the word and guess at what it must mean. Then I'll use it all day with my made up meaning and see if anybody notices. Okay! I signed up via Twitter. Wow! Education is easy! I can't believe so many young people are whining about their enormous debts from college. I just signed up for a daily class for free! Ha ha! Who's the stupid person now?!

I can't believe DC is sexualizing this little boy. See? He's naked in a tub which automatically means he's being sexualized. Disgusting.

I don't know about how sexy the boy is in the previous panel because I'm not a weirdo pedophile that likes lizard boys. But man is his aunt sexy! I'd let her scrub me with a gigantic piece of coral! Or pink kryptonite! Or her vagina! I haven't declared a new favorite character in quite some time so I'm going to do that now! Auntie Flowers is the best character DC has created so far! I can't wait until Birds of Prey gets a new roster with Auntie Flowers, Tig the Vampire, Alysia Yeoh, Sleen (Captain K'rot's Raccoon/Kitten friend) and Ferdie. Holy shit that comic book would give me a lucubration!

Too bad that scene was from twenty-six years ago. That probably would put Auntie Flowers in her forties which might not make her a very popular hero according to DC's stupid managing editors that make stupid decisions all of the time and really don't know what sells. If they knew what would sell, they'd call themselves Marvel Comics with Batman! I think a black woman in her mid-forties would make for an awesome team leader. She could probably kick Black Canary's ass.

This issue is written by Tim Seeley and I'm not sure he's every read a Killer Croc story in his entire life! Why else would Killer Croc sound like he just walked out of a college course on not speaking like a drop out thug flunky? Killer Croc is really pissin' me off with his eloquence and his not droppin' letters! Fuck you, Killer Croc! You can't fool me! You're a stupid sewer poop face that doesn't know words and things. You probably found a dictionary floating in some feces and now you're trying to better yourself. Well stop it. Everybody knows better. You're just a dumb monster!

Back to Killer Croc's time spent not learning anything, he wrestled Alligators (I can tell it's an alligator he's wrestling because it's name is "Al!") during a sideshow rock festival. But that ended when he didn't get paid enough. So he decided to rob jewelry stores in Gotham. But that didn't pay off because of The Goddamned Batman. And his annoying sidekick!

Jason Todd should really be worrying about his own flaws!

Some Gotham City Police Guys have been wandering the sewers looking for something that they lost that will get them in big trouble if they can't find it. But they're in Killer Croc's home now and he makes them pay for trespassing. Killer Croc kills all but two of them and then his followers show up. It looks like Killer Croc has an Underworld Kingdom just like all the assholes in Ann Nocenti's comic books! But at least Killer Croc's tribe lives in actual sewers and not some fantasy kingdom. And they look like people living off the street instead of High-tech Survivalists or Baron von Flamehead Cultists and Goat Ranchers.

Killer Croc was leading other were-creatures down in the sewers so I'm going to just pretend that these followers of his are more of them. I wouldn't want the Killer Croc stories from Batwoman to be erased from Canon. I'm not saying they are although I've read different! I just know I'm going to believe them for as long as I'm able and the comic books actually tell me something different.

The last two dirty cops find what they've been looking for: a key on a good cop they killed a few days earlier. But it's a little bit of a trap.

And I'm glad it was because it set up this panel which I simply adore!

It turns out Waylon is busy killing all of these crooked cops because of the man they killed. The man was a caring adult friend of Waylon's when he was a young child. And he was always there with ice cream when that fucking spooky ass Shauna would make fun of him because shit rolls downhill and she had to find the only person that was being teased more than she was. It's also interesting to think that the Ventriloquist is in her thirties.

Hey! Your Auntie Flowers wanted nothing but the best for you! You should respect her word instead of this weirdo pedophile that likes lizard boys!

Killer Croc holds a funeral for his dead one-armed friend and says some words that are probably inspiring but I'm not listening to him anymore! I'm bitter and angry that Killer Croc is being portrayed as smarter than I am! First Clayface proves he's smarter than me! And now this? It's untolerable!

Killer Croc #1 Rating: This was a pretty good story although Killer Croc's voice was nothing like Killer Croc's voice in Batwoman because his character was much better over in Batwoman. He was more vulnerable in his desperation and his average intelligence. And he didn't make me feel stupid! I wonder if maybe it's not him that's making me feel stupid but my being stupid that's making me feel stupid? OH SNAPS!

Batgirl #23

Is this story about Gordon hunting Batgirl or Daddy keeping Ricky away from his little girl?

Gail Simone once asked on her Tumblr what people thought of tagging artists in posts about the artists. Did tagging a Tumblr post that criticized an artist's work count as trolling? This is probably pertinent to what I do since I'm a tiny bit critical of Scott Lobdell's work and his talent and his lineage. But when I began this blog, I never even considered that the creators would see anything I was saying. It didn't even cross my mind! I tagged the artists and the writers and the main characters because I figured fans of those things might be interested in what I was writing. I barely expected anyone to read my blog, really. But then Marcus To found a Batwing Post where I simply savaged his cover. And then I felt really bad.

What's odd about that particular commentary is that I tore apart Judd Winick's story as well and yet ended the commentary with this positive review: "Batwing #12 Rating: +1 Ranking. Ha ha! Look at how much I can bitch and still enjoy reading a comic book! What the fuck is wrong with me?" And part of the reason I really enjoyed it was Marcus To's art. And yet I never once complimented the art! I really suck at talking about the art unless it's really, really horrible. If it's amazing, I might throw a line at it which says, "The art is amazing." But mostly I'm concerned with being a huge dick. Once again, "What the fuck is wrong with me?"

So to answer Gail Simone's question about tagging and trolling, I never even considered it. I just figured people might want to laugh at what I think of specific comic books. And they need a way to find those specific comic books, right? Sure, now I know I'm being a troll though! So thanks for pointing that out, Gail!

Another thing that usually makes me feel bad when I'm really on a roll trying to destroy the self-esteem of a comic book writer is to see their face. Fucking Lord Google! When I look up "Howard Mackie" to see how much experience he has at punctuating the English language, I don't need you to throw up a picture of him without my consent!

Lord Google: "Hello Governor! Did you want to know about Howard Mackie? Well here he is! He's an actual human being with feelings and dreams! Look into his eyes! Now imagine tears streaming out of those eyes, dick."
Me: "Fuck you, Lord Google! Just give me what I'm looking for and stop trying to guess what I want!"
Lord Google: "Would you like to see his family as well? I can get you a picture of his dog but you won't be able to kick it from there."
Me: "Stop judging me!"

Batgirl begins with Daddy visiting Knightfall in her lair at Three Towers. It's named that because it's three towers. Knightfall isn't the most imaginative psycho in Gotham.

How about charging her with keeping a dolphin in the wall?! She's a monster!

Knightfall makes me miss writing Batgirl's Diary so I can get her and her henchjerks' names wrong. Ignore that apostrophe if I got it wrong. Sometimes when I'm placing punctuation, I think, "What would Howard Mackie do?" And then I think, "I don't have enough time to type out that many dashes."

Meanwhile Babs is out shopping with Alysia in a part of Gotham I've never seen before.

Nobody's getting murdered! Although I have a feeling that baby might be that couple's lunch.

Last month I asked if women use the same sex as baseball analogy as men do and now Barbara is telling Alysia that there "was some first base action." Technically, Babs, that could mean that you threw Ricky out at first. Or that the first base coach slapped you on the ass. Or that the first baseman was caught on camera adjusting his jock. But I understand what you mean! There was kissing! My next question is this: Are cricket analogies used in England and India and other places that think cricket is an entertaining pastime? Not that I think baseball is any more entertaining than cricket! I'm bored to tears by both of them. But I'm not bored to tears by sex! Although sex usually ends in tears. Tears, not tears. Duh.

Tears and tears being two completely different words reminds me that I hate some English words with irrational passion. The one that I almost constantly read incorrectly is, in fact, "read". I read to children. Go ahead. Tell me how that "read" is fucking pronounced. Stupid words.

Alysia and Babs are inappropriately approached by two daft punks and Babs threatens them with a bit of broken crockery. Why ya gotta make the alternative looking guys be the assholes? The assholes should have been some other social group that would have made other people angry instead of me! How dare you portray young white men with tattoos and no shirts as being insensitive to beautiful women! Just keep perpetuating that stereotype! Oh wait a second. I'm not a young white male with tattoos. Also I'm wearing a shirt. Although I have to wonder if I weren't so shy, would I have been a total prick to women in my younger days? It's like watching Dances with Wolves and wondering if you'd have been as culturally sensitive if you had been raised in that time period. Most people think that because they have modern views of sex and race and culture that they'd be the exact same person if they were born in the 1600s. Of course you wouldn't. You'd probably be an asshole.

Meanwhile Daddy Gordon plans on interviewing Ricky about his meetings with Batgirl. But Ricky is a bit busy at the moment.

So Ricky. Do you prefer to be stuffed into the crisper or spread out among the various shelves and milk trays?

Ricky makes one final call before heading out to get killed. He breaks up with Babs because he's fairly certain she's not going to keep dating a corpse. Second base is coming up quick and it just wouldn't be the same, you know? Luckily for Ricky, Barbara Gordon is Batgirl!

Jim Shooter: "Wait. That redhead with no bat symbol on her is Batgirl? I'm so confused."

Um, thanks Jim! But nobody asked you your thoughts on this comic book. In fact, I'm pretty certain that I swore you off. Go back and be a dick while judging comic books and their creators over at your lonely, mean-spirited little blog!

Ouch. I think I just hurt my own feelings.

As Ricky is trying to get away from Jim and Melody on his way to help his brother, he makes a bit of a miscalculation.

Oh ha ha, Mrs. Simone! Very clever. Refrigerator = cooler = prison. Well played! We'll be seeing you, Ricky!

Gordon calls for an ambulance and back-up and then notices a picture of Ricky and Barbara on the kitchen table. Now he's going to have to kill arrest his daughter as well as Batgirl! Because she got to first base with an attempted murderer! I think that's known as aiding and abatting. Oh! I just realized the Baseball Sex Analogy is appropriate because they use bats in baseball! Wow, I'm so quick!

The cops nearly kill Ricky but Babs, having driven the Batgirl Cave to Ricky's location by following a GPS tracker App she downloaded to his phone, knocks them out and saves his life. Babs has given up Batgirl so she's simply dressed as The Ginger Ninja. Damn. That would be a good future name, Babs!

The next page is the double spread of Villains Month. I'm actually stupidly excited for September! It'll also be my 42nd birthday on the 26th of that month, so plan on seeing a bunch of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy quotes as I begin rereading the five book trilogy.

Oh man! Ricky has now entered the abandoned school to confront the Sixty-Eight Kings and that's when I realize the guy with the Plasma Rifle isn't wearing a funky Bane mask but is wearing a device for his broken nose! Holy shit. That medical paraphernalia is cooler than probably half a dozen costumes in The New 52! Nice job fooling me into thinking a new Super Villain was being introduced, Fernando!

Why does a gloomy city like Gotham need skylights in every building?

Here's The Christian Ginger Ninja at work saving Ricky! She makes the God comment and I think she wears a cross at times, doesn't she? I don't know Barbara's religious leanings (whether they've been mentioned or I just haven't been paying attention, I don't know) but if I had to guess, I'd bet she is a real mild kind of Christian. Like she believes in a Creator and a loving savior because she kind of needs there to be justice not just in Gotham but in the universe as well. Maybe she's Unitarian. My friend Mandy once called the Unitarian Church "a train station for lost souls." I wish somebody would think up a short catchy phrase for all the different Christian denominations so I could tell them apart! My religious education ended after I was baptized as a Catholic not long after birth. I think the priest said something negative about my mother's choice of names for me and my mom's reaction was not, "Oh! I don't want to offend the church! Please, let me rectify the situation so that God will be pleased!" Her reaction would better be characterized as "Fuck you."

My Spanish grandparents wedding picture in the living room of their home was at the courthouse in Santa Clara. Then they had a second wedding picture that most people assumed was their real wedding picture. But what it was was a church wedding since the church either outright told them or intimated that their children would be viewed as out of wedlock with only the legal preceding. This whole story could be a Family Myth but I still like it!

Meanwhile Knightfall is preparing for a war that's currently only in her own deluded mind.

Yay! I was wondering when we were going to learn more about Batgirl's past enemies being freed from prison!

I get it! Her name is Knightfall and she's releasing all of Batgirl's enemies on Gotham to break the Batgirl! Although breaking the Batgirl would just recreate Oracle, so that's not an outcome Knightfall is going to be happy with. Although a lot of DC Fans would shit themselves in joy if Batgirl's back were broken. Man, I thought I was cruel!

Back at the abandoned school, Batgirl and Ricky have managed to take down or chase away the majority of the thugs. Just the leader, Tyrell, is left and Ricky is about to shoot him.

I hear she makes some pretty wicked tamales.

Daddy Gordon and the police arrive just as Ricky is about to kill Tyrell before Tyrell can kill Ricky's brother. But the only person who fires a shot is Daddy Gordon and Babs is left cradling a blood-soaked Ricky that has been shot in the chest. So Ricky? Whirlpool, Maytag, or Frigidaire?

Batgirl #23 Rating: +5 Ranking. This felt like the most tightly controlled story of Batgirl so far. While I'm not a fan of Gordon hunting down Batgirl, Simone managed to win me over just on the way she's telling the story. I like that there is a lot going on and it's playing out nicely paced. I'm very happy to see Charlotte back so that I can discuss her normally even though I did like discussing her in Batgirl's Diary Voice. I suppose Daddy is going to arrest his little girl next issue although I don't think she's done anything wrong except being in the wrong place and dating the wrong guy and having a father that heard about this guy getting to first base with his daughter.

Batgirl #22

I bet Jim Shooter would be pissed that the bat in the Batgirl logo isn't filled in!

Hey KPTV Fox News in Portland? You see this cover? That's how you spell sacrifice, you illiterate monkeys! I suppose all of your news anchors aren't completely illiterate since they can read just well enough to only stumble when reading every other sentence. But whoever does their copy or their graphics hasn't been able to spell for years. I hate local news but I'll watch Fox 12 in Portland when there is nothing else on because The Joker delivers the weather. Also because I love how often they spell things wrong. When the nineteen firefighters died recently, they put up a graphic that said, "The Ultimate Sacrafice." Besides not being able to spell, they also report on internet videos, local fear, and gossip pieces from other states. Their favorite thing to report on is any national news event which they can tie back to the Northwest. They usually want a Portland tie but they'll slum it and accept a Seattle tie if they have to. They refuse to believe that their main reason for being is to be the local Fox Affiliate. They will gladly interrupt Fox Television Shows to vamp away until some local bureaucrat delivers a speech at a press conference or while waiting for local election results. They're stupid jerks that don't realize I can find local election results on the internet or scrolling across the bottom of other Network stations but I can't switch over to PBS to finish watching House which they just preempted! I know House ended a few years ago but I'm still bitter about that time! Fuck you, Wayne Garcia!

Sheesh. What did Jim Shooter and Wayne Garcia ever do to deserve my hatred while I'm trying to read Batgirl? Actually, I know what Wayne Garcia did, staring at me every night with that smug, chirpy-dirpy, tanning-bed-tanned, chipmunk face of his! Ewww! You haven't received your last angry email from me, sir! I still don't know how that episode of House ended, you fucking lousy puppet!

Oh, there it is! The segue to get me out of this rant! Speaking of puppets, I wonder where Ferdie is placed after Shauna is put into Arkham? Does he just go into an Arkham storeroom? Or does Gotham have enough psychotic puppets for a Mini-Arkham Asylum for Overly Sexualized Puppets?

This issue begins with Babara's forgotten date with Ricky and Alysia standing around in her potato chip pajamas.

Jim Shooter would love this panel layout! But he'd hate that new readers wouldn't have any idea who any of these people are. According to Jim Shooter, "new reader" must be code for "brain damaged." Fuck. Why am I so obsessed with Jim Shooter lately? I need to go cold turkey on his ass. I don't think I can quit him.

Last issue while speculating about Alysia's pajamas, I considered that they might be holes and that maybe Vengeance Moth got to them and that maybe that was her power. Then a few weeks later, Gail Simone reblogged a Follower of hers mentioning how she thought Vengeance Moth's power was somehow tied to destroying clothes since Katharsis threatened Cannon with his own nudity. And I thought, "Fuck. Why didn't I think of that?!" And now I just reread my Batgirl #21 Commentary and I can tell myself, "Dude! You did think of that! You're a genius!" Too bad I never, ever remember anything I write in these things. Every time I reread one of my commentaries, it's like reading something written by a completely different person. Sometimes I think that other person is a boring ass just regurgitating plot points. And other times I think, "Fuck, I was funny! I doubt I can ever say anything that funny ever again!" And then I pout and give up writing and eat a box of Oreos.

But then the eating of cookies makes me happy again and I go back to reading comics and other highbrow literature that I would name specifically but wouldn't want any of my readers to feel stupid for not reading such intellectually stimulating things as I do.

Forget Jim Shooter. These page layouts would make Keith Giffen ruin his underwear.

Babs cleans the cookie dough off of her face and pulls together a super cute outfit thanks to Alysia's help. She might be acting a little bit crazy just hoping to have her second kiss with a boy tonight! If Ricky's lucky, she might even let him get to second base. I think second base is getting to try on her underwear. Why is the sex and baseball metaphor all about offense for the guy and defense for the woman? When women talk about how far they got with a guy, do they keep the analogy? "I walked in a home run." "We started making out, so I threw out the first pitch and he bunted all over his pants." Do gay guys use a sports analogy for sex? "I went out with Jim and he choked up on my bat while I spit on the ball and beaned him in the ass." Hmm, I forgot to use any sports phrases in that last example!

Ricky and Babs are walking on their date because Barbara's van is the Batgirl cave and if Ricky brought a car, Babs would think he stole it. So they have to walk which is good because Babs once couldn't walk so she must cherish the regifting of the ability every day and Ricky just recently lost a leg, so he probably walks a lot to say, "Fuck you, Fate! I still got it, bitch!"

While they're out walking to a community theater Opera (I didn't realize I believe in Hell until this moment!), Spider Jerusalem's younger brother is lying in wait in an alley. You know what would help lower crime in Gotham City? Fill in all the fucking alleys with concrete!

And just an aside for all the people scowling at my "Opera at the community theater level is Hell" comment, I think I have the right to say it! I once nearly gave my life to spin Dorothy's House in a children's theater production of The Wizard of Oz because the idiot lighting guy (Doom Bunny!) ran the motor on the windmill until it burst into flames! Luckily The Scarecrow had his brains about him and put out the fire with an extinguisher. Man, that Scarecrow definitely wasn't a method actor.

Speaking of The Scarecrow, he went on to star as the man checking passports in Alias and one of the every actor in Hollywoods who starred in an episode of ER. He also starred in Julie and Jack, the first film of James Nguyen of Birdemic fame! Spoiler Alert: he was never paid for that role! But I think his most famous role was the character whom everybody kept telling should have had the role of Sayd in Lost! So famous for that one!

Oh man! Don't mind me and my rambling! Let's get back to that fight in the alley.

This panel needs some music.

I think the scene of the year whatever year Kick Ass came out was the one where Hit Girl slaughters a bunch of thugs to the Banana Splits Theme Song. One of the reasons it was so fantastic was because it caught me by surprise. I didn't expect Hit Girl to be that violent (yes, yes. I missed reading the comic! It was during The Long Hiatus! Sheesh!) and I never in my life expected to hear that song out of anything but my own mouth ever again. I sing it all the fucking time and when it was sung back at me during that particular scene, I was elated. I was overjoyed. I may have wept but there were no cameras to document the event so I don't even know why I put the suggestion out there!

It's about this point in the fight that Spider's little brother pulls a gun on Ricky. It's time for Babs to find some kind of boomerang shaped garbage lying around so she can accidentally kill him knock him out! Or she can just break his leg and then his arm. He begins to call her a bitch and Babs Narration Boxes, "I swear, sometimes I wish I could buy all the creeps in the world a thesaurus." I'm glad she brought this up because I've been meaning to talk about curse words! You can skip the next paragraph if you don't give a shit about curse words but I can't guarantee that I'll be back to talking about Batgirl after that!

I like using the word "bitches" to encompass a group of people. The people can be any and all gender identities. I just love the sound. But I'll use bitch for a guy more readily than for a girl simply because it's a gender coded power word. That goes for "cunt" as well although I'll use that more often because I like the word so much. But it's still a tough call to use on a woman simply because it's preloaded with hate and bullshit. You can add twat to that list as well. So I often find myself having to come up with another word to call some female character I'm hating on because I want the reader to know I hate her for being a stupid cunt and not for having one. Although I can almost guarantee whenever she's in a comic book, I'll call Madame Xanadu a cunt. My favorite male comic book character to refer to as a cunt is Scott Lobdell.

After the big fight in the alley, Ricky and Babs decide to skip the stupid opera and have Ricky's mom feed them.

I hope she appreciates how much Goddamn work went into those six tamales she just wolfed down! I miss working with my ex-coworker Marcy because she used to make me tamales. Um, also she was nice and a good worker!

7-Eleven stores out here in Portland were selling Hot Tamales for a while. And one of the stores I was cleaning had a chalk board out front with "Hot Tamales 2 for $2" written on it. Somebody had wiped away the "ta" in tamales. I laughed and laughed.

After dinner, Babs and Ricky go out dancing. And I guess they have a successful first date.

Be here next month when Babs finds a surprise in her fridge!

Oh, that won't happen! Hopefully Nightwing will come back to town and get all jealous and there will be this huge Love Pentagon going on. I don't know who the other members of the Love Pentagon will be! Probably Starfire and Speedy!

The next day, Babs makes a date with her dad for lunch which turns into practice on the shooting range. Gordon probably wants his daughter to be able to protect herself against the jerk that killed his son. Which is herself. But Babs isn't a big gun fan. Probably because she's a big girl. Like Batman!

Once Barbara realizes her dad just wants her to be able to protect herself (you know! Like I said!), she realizes this has specifically been brought on because of Batgirl. She already took the Bat off her chest because she didn't feel like she deserved to wear it. Now she believes she needs to lose the identity altogether because she doesn't want her father shooting her in the face. Oh, also because it makes dad all sad and crap.

Later that night, Commissioner Gordon drunk signals Batman to tell him to give up Batgirl. When Batman tries to talk Gordon out of a bitchhunt (Fuck! I need a thesaurus!), Gordon gets annoyed.

The road to the Batcave is littered with the graves of children.

Batgirl #22 Rating: +4 Ranking. I'm always very appreciative of a comic that follows a character on their down time. It just hasn't been done enough lately. So +1 for that, +1 for Gordon punching Batman in the kisser, +1 for Barbara's little dance after the date, and +1 for Batgirl getting her own super hero identity soon instead of piggy backing on Batman's fame! I think it would be great if she really changed her name permanently. But I bet she'll pick something derivative again. Like Nightwinggirl!