Midnighter and Apollo #6

You know what question DC will never answer (probably because it's obvious and doesn't need to be answered)? Which one is the top.

The Review!
Well. I'm happy to say I was wrong on two counts: that DC wouldn't answer that question and which was the top.

Although I'm sure Midnighter is a versatile bottom.

Also, if you ever tell anybody I was wrong about anything involving comic books, I'll have you killed. The Grandmaster Comic Book Reader title doesn't mean I don't make the occasional mistake. It means I have a license to kill uppity back-talkers.

Then this happens!

Didn't they learn anything from their time in Hell?!

I think what Midnighter and Apollo learned in Hell was that nothing there has any power over them. They kicked every ass Hell could throw at them and survived. So that's how you survive Hell! If you're going to kill people in this life, you'd better learn to be the best killer of people you can be! Then when you wind up in Hell, you'll be better at killing than everybody else in the place. You'll fucking own that property! Although if Midnighter and Apollo really went to Hell because they fuck each other knowing full well that it won't produce a child then they'll still fucking own the place. Not only are they the most efficient killers in the world, they also enjoy some of Hell's major tortures!

Midnighter in Hell: "Oh no, demon with the humongous erection! Please don't fuck me in the ass until I ejaculate!"

Although maybe the devil is smarter than I'm giving him (or her!) credit for. Maybe Midnighter's Hell will be having to eat pussy.

Isn't it weird how one person's Hell is another person's Heaven? I wonder if it's possible to exchange identities with people in Hell. If so, I need to find a gay friend who looks sort of like me and also know they're going to Hell! We'll totally exchange identifications on the way in and get the "tortures" reserved for the other person! I should also find somebody who hates all the food I like, just in case one of the tortures of Hell is playing Spoons.

After it's all over (see that kiss? That was the end! After they escaped Hell! Did I forget to mention that? Now it's time for the denouement! Unless it's spelled differently which I don't think it is because Spell Check didn't underline the word. Maybe Spell Check doesn't know the word and is just too embarrassed to admit it doesn't know it so it decided not to underline it even though it's spelled wrong!), Midnighter and Apollo have dinner at Extraño's place.

I wonder if Gregario ever fucks Hugh in his pouch?

I admit it! I totally had to look up what a therian was! Even Spell Check doesn't know!

Before being interrupted, Apollo was telling a story about fighting a Red Lantern or something. I think that's to remind everybody that Midnighter owes Dex-Starr a rematch!

After that, Midnighter and Apollo fuck. But only in the reader's filthy imagination!

The Ranking!
No change! Other six issue mini-series at DC can learn a thing or two from this series. It utilized its entire six issues and told exactly that amount of story. Nobody pitched an idea for a story and then discovered the story could be told in two issues so then had to insert a bunch of bullshit that didn't matter into the other four issues. I may or may not be looking at Marv Wolfman's Raven and Marc Andreyko's Death of Hawkman. I mean, Death of Hawkman could have been one page and I would have happily purchased it! As long as that one page was what the title said it was. Anyway, this is how a six issue series should be written. If DC is going to demand six issue stories so they can be released in normal sized trades, fucking get the writers to write enough story for those six fucking issues, you dull-witted bastards.

Midnighter and Apollo #5

It doesn't look like the fight against Neron went too well for Midnighter.

• At the end of the last issue, Midnighter and Neron were about to fight over ownership of Apollo's soul. You'd think Apollo would have some say in that arrangement but forget him. He's in a bottle right now and people in bottles have no rights. Some people buying this issue might be thinking, "That cover is a fucking spoiler!" But to those people, I'd say, "Aha!" I'd begin with "Aha!" because that's how I begin all conversations with people. Coincidentally, I've been in conversations with at least six people who have immediately died of heart attacks. So, anyway, I'd say, "Aha! But comic book covers have never exactly been paragons of truth, have they? You can never trust the cover! This one shows Apollo getting ready to wrestle or get fucked, depending on if Neron's penis is out or not. And how many times have you seen a skeleton that just happens to be wearing the clothes of a friend you saw earlier that day? It's a common enough occurrence. And those dinosaur bones in the background are...well, I don't know why they are there. I guess all of the dinosaurs went to Hell because they didn't have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ."

• The issue begins reminding the readers that Gregario (Extraño) placed a powerful being inside of Midnighter before Midnighter went to Hell. The comic book didn't go into details about how this was done but you know how. With a thing that's bigger than a breadbox: a black candle. Also black magic. But Gregario doesn't state explicitly who this powerful being is that's now waiting inside of Midnighter to give Midnighter seven minutes of heaven in Hell. I hope it's Etrigan. Although it's probably not Etrigan. But I would love it if it were Etrigan.

• Back in Castle Epistolarious, Neron decides to point out all of Midnighter's disadvantages before the fight begins. Just so readers know exactly how Neron might stand a chance. Midnighter has no access to his fight computer in Hell. He has no enhancements. He has no healing. He's already terribly wounded from his fight with The Mawzir. But he's still willing to fight for Apollo's soul because he loooOOOooooOOoooves him.

• Meanwhile, Apollo is inside a soundproof bottle screaming, "I already beat Neron with a trick question, dum-dum! Don't fight him! Besides, you don't have a right to fight for my soul, you arrogant, big-dicked bastard!"

Midnighter is what happens when somebody asks the question, "Does Batman pop a boner when he punches criminals in the face?"

• Midnighter releases the being inside of him and it turns out to be...I don't know who. It looks like Pacific Islander OMAC.

• Apparently it's some kind of angel and it's power and energy and life-force is just propping up Midnighter so he can do the actual fighting. According to Gregario, it hurts like a motherfucker. I probably could have been more descriptive about the way it hurts but from my experience, nothing hurts more than a motherfucker. I mean, you hear it all the time so it must be true. Do motherfuckers really hurt more than kidney stones?

• Technically, I'm not a motherfucker. Never fucked a mother in my life.

Is this because they kill people or because they engage in sodomy? Because I have an issue with one of those.

• I'm not going to say which I have an issue with, killing or sodomy. I don't want to lose conservative readers by saying I'm against killing.

• I also don't want to loose semi-illiterate readers so that's why I just used "loose" instead of "lose."

• Midnighter beats the crap out of Neron but then collapses when his seven minutes of heaven are up. Luckily Neron remains unconscious while Midnighter recovers from the being leaving him.

• Apollo breaks out of his bottle to cradle Midnighter in his arms. It doesn't last long before Apollo disappears. Neron explains that he destroyed Apollo's soul before Midnighter got there and it was all a lie because everything is lies in Hell. Especially the thing about Apollo having lost his challenge to Neron and is now non-existent. That's the biggest lie of all! Obviously Apollo won the challenge and now Neron is bitter and angry and he's going to take it out on Midnighter.

• What actually happened is Neron set Apollo free after Midnighter won because Apollo won the challenge as to why he was called Apollo. So now Apollo has to rescue Midnighter! Damn forlorn lovers. Always being all forlorn and shit.

• Don't worry! Next issue is the final issue. Everything will almost assuredly and most probably with a definite persistence of likelihood work out fine!

The Ranking!
+1! Hopefully the final issue is ten pages of Neron being pound into a fine paste and ten pages of Apollo being pounded into a fine orgasm.

Midnighter and Apollo #4

I like small cocks and I cannot lie!

Currently Midnighter is in Hell to rescue Apollo and kill The Mawzir. If you're wondering who The Mawzir is, I'm never speaking to you again because you obviously didn't read Hitman. Thus you suck and aren't worth my time. I know that's awfully harsh and judgmental but we all need a system to organize our lives or we'll just go mad juggling it all.

But Midnighter has a problem: the Ace of Winchesters lies broken at The Mawzir's feet. It's the only gun that can kill The Mawzir. I probably don't have to explain that to you since you read Hitman. If you didn't read Hitman, what are you still doing here? This blog post will still be waiting for you when you get back. And it will seem less rude after you've read Hitman. You'll be all, "Yeah, Tess! I've read Hitman too! Love me! Love me! Be my daddy! Not in a kink way but in a quite real and literal way because I've never had an adult male figure who loved me unconditionally!"

Apollo is in the Castle Epicaricacius where Neron lives. That seems a bit pretentious, right? How big does a domicile have to be before you can name it? I don't mean calling your stupid family home "The Smith House" or "The House of Smiths" semi-jokingly to your bland and boring neighbors whom you sometimes visit for dinner and cocktails while concealing a quiet rage at their theft of your personal time.

Midnighter is in The Vascular Gardens which sound disgusting. The Mawzir currently has him at a disadvantage. I mean, The Mawzir thinks he has Midnighter at a disadvantage but when has Midnighter ever been at a disadvantage? Even if his fight computers aren't working right in Hell, he's still a bad-ass fuckmonster with one Ace of Winchester bullet. So what if he doesn't have a gun to propel it into The Mawzir's skull? I'm pretty sure he can figure out how to do that some other way. It might take longer and be way more painful and gory, but he'll think of something.

The Mawzir is wearing a cowboy hat to complete his gunslinger look. Also it hides the swastika on his forehead because kids today are way too fucking sensitive to see something like that.

The Mawzir is one of my all-time favorite villains for a number of reasons that I will explain in this essay. This essay will explain the reasons I like The Mawzir. I like The Mawzir because he is a gunslinger. Gunslingers are cool even though they are inherently violent. That is because guns are weapons used for violence. I know that people say that people kill people but often times they use guns which were made to kill things and not made to butter toast. That is not a criticism of guns like gun nuts are thinking it is and fuming at the face simply because I said it. It is just a fact. The next reason I like The Mawzir is because he looks cool. John McCrea kicked the shit out of his work when he created The Mawzir. He went to work that day and he said, "Work? I hope you like getting your shit kicked because I am in a shit-kicking mood, for sure!" Then he created The Mawzir to look cool. The third and final reason (because essays need three reasons before concluding) I like The Mawzir is his cool attitude. It is cool to have an attitude like The Mawzir's which is why I find him cool. In summary, The Mawzir, for these three reasons, is one of my all-time favorite villains.

While Midnighter battles The Mawzir, Apollo faces off against Neron. Neron is busy gay-shaming Apollo although he's pretending Apollo is in Hell for reasons like pride and murder and more murder. I guess Neron doesn't mind being an evil demon from Hell who tortures, kills, and maims for pleasure but he doesn't want people thinking he's homophobic.

Midnighter manages to headbutt the bullet through The Mawzir's head, killing it. Probably just killing it until it's next appearance, really. Because who at DC Comics can allow The Mawzir to be dead for good?! He's too great a character. Plus he's a demon from Hell who technically wasn't shot by the Ace of Winchesters so he can't actually be dead. It's in the rules! But for now, it's good enough to get the story moving.

Midnighter did manage to get shot while battling The Mawzir and his healing factor probably doesn't work too well in Hell. But he'll still probably rescue Apollo because I don't think this story was written to just leave Midnighter and Apollo trapped in Hell, especially when Warren Ellis is on the verge of rebooting the Wildstorm Universe.

This year for Halloween, I should go as The Mawzir. It's either that or Stephanie from Lazytown.

While Midnighter continues to earn my love and respect for being a cool bad-ass motherfucker, Apollo finally begins worming his way into my heart.

Self-confidence is such a huge turn on. Probably because we most love in others that which we love about ourselves. And I am one confident motherfucker. Some might say arrogant or pretentious or cunt. And maybe they're right! But what the fuck do I care?! I'm loaded with love for myself and nobody can bring me down! Except maybe my mother.

Oh shit. I just remembered I haven't called my mom back when she left a message wishing me a Happy Merry Christmas!

Apollo decides to play his own game with Neron. If Neron can answer the question of why Apollo really calls himself Apollo, Neron can have Apollo's soul. Otherwise, Neron must give Apollo back his powers and free him. Neron is the kind of guy who loves to give up all the power he has for a chance to show he has all the power. Overconfidence is such a turn off! It's a fine line from Bonerville to Flaccidtown! But usually overconfidence is confidence stemming from ignorance and bravado and the need to prove something to others. Self-confidence is not giving a fuck about the assholes around you and just living your own life no matter how shitty they are to you.

Neron, being a weird idiot, somehow thinks the answer to Apollo's question is that Apollo thinks he's earned the right to call himself a God. Fucking dum-dum! You've been saying that this whole time! Why would Apollo ask you why he calls himself that if the answer is the thing you've been spouting non-stop since Apollo entered Castle Epicurious?! Think before speaking, you vile Twitter Egg!

Midnighter follows the path to the Mansion of Happiness to discover Apollo in a large glass flask next to Neron on his throne. Whether Neron's answer to Apollo's question was correct or not has yet to be revealed. Obviously it wasn't correct! But Midnighter doesn't know what's going on yet. He doesn't realize yet that his lover has already saved himself. But Neron sees another possible way to keep Apollo. With Apollo sealed away and unable to tell Midnighter that he's free, Neron offers Midnighter yet another deal for Apollo's soul. A fight between him and Midnighter with Apollo's soul as the prize. Can Midnighter even make that deal? I suppose Hell doesn't care too much about ownership laws.

Midnighter is pumped up with Extraño's dark and super gay magic which he's ready to switch on so he can beat Neron to death. But that won't happen until the next issue which is too bad because I really want to see Neron be beaten to death. Constantine let him off too easy.

The Ranking!
+1 Ranking! The Mawzir may have died but that's a small price to pay for such a romantic book.

Midnighter and Apollo #3

I found the clitoris!

The Midnighter has discovered that Apollo is currently in Hell so now that's where he needs to go to rescue him. That's convenient because Midnighter was almost certainly already planning on visiting Hell to kill The Mawzir! Two birds and all that!

Recently, somewhere, I heard a person say, "Two stones, one bird." They meant it earnestly as if they were saying the actual saying instead of making it into a new saying that means the exact opposite of the saying they were going for.

The method Midnighter uses to go to Hell is the same one my mother assured me would send me there!

This reminds me of the jump rope counting song we used to sing: "If you can't handle the whole black candle, you won't be going to Hell! One inch, two inch, three inch, four! Five inch, six inch, take a little more!" Then you just count!

Some of you might be thinking, "What kind of fucked up kids use that as a jump rope rhyme?" You'd be forgiven for not knowing (or remembering) that I went to a Satanic Elementary School.

Meanwhile in Hell, Neron and Apollo enjoy a rousing game of "Mansion of Happiness." It's like an old timey version of the Game of Life except it doesn't try to teach kids that insurance is a good thing. Insurance is the worst! It's like placing bets on your own ill fortune. It's also a scam because without insurance, everything that any kind of insurance covers would cost far less than it actually does. Without insurance, you'd actually be able to save the money you use on insurance and pay for things insurance would have covered yourself! Maybe I'm exaggerating a bit here but there's a reason laws are made demanding everybody buy into the system. Also, insurance is a socialist idea that capitalists are trying to profit from. It's a way to force everybody who isn't unlucky to pay for the accidents which befall those klutzy, unlucky jerks reaping the windfall of all of our monthly payments! But guess what? We're all paying far too much on our premiums because we're not only paying to help cover other people's costs incurred by their bad luck, we also have to pay the salaries of all of the employees! And advertising! And other costs like toilet paper for the insurance company's offices! And you aren't even assured that your insurance will cover you when you have bad luck because they'll try their damnedest to prove that you don't deserve the pay out! Fuck you, The Game of Life, for normalizing insurance in the minds of squishy headed youngsters thinking they're just having a good time!

I've totally simplified insurance to make my point but you get it, right? It's a total scam! See? This paragraph totally backs up that last paragraph! Proof of concept!

If a stupid game can reveal hidden truths, then why aren't I a doctor with a wife and five kids who somehow discovered the Mona Lisa while driving along the turnpike?

Apollo is all, "No way, dude! It's not pride! It's sacrifice! Didn't you ever play Ultima IV?! You're using Lord Blackthorn's charts from Ultima V, dum-dum!"

On his next turn, Apollo lands on murder. The square is really cute and adorable with DC Comics Cain murdering DC Comics Abel with a farm implement. I grew up in the city so I can only call anything with a wooden handle with a metal bit on the end a "farm implement." I'm sure they all have different names but I've never needed to know them, so why learn them? Except for a hoe but that was only for the prostitute jokes.

Back on Earth, Midnighter is hunting for the Ace of Winchesters. I thought it was last given to the Lords of the Gun by Bendix for their help in killing Apollo but I could be mistaken because I read Issue #1 so long ago! Even if that was the case, I'm sure Midnighter will be able to track down the gun because he needs it to kill The Mawzir. He can't go to Hell just to rescue Apollo. He's got to do some serious killing and maiming while he's there or this series will just be a boring romance film.

Midnighter is able to locate a bullet for use with the Ace of Winchesters, so that might be enough. Or he's just going to have to fuck up the Lords of the Gun until they decide they'd rather not have every one of their internal organs torn out and then shoved back in by way of their anal sphincter anymore and just give up The Mawzir.

Apollo and Neron finish their game of "Mansion of Happiness" in much the same way all attempts to play The Game of Life end: in an argument. Neron shoves the board from the table and tells Apollo nobody ever beats him, probably because he never lets anybody finish, the sore loser. As that's taking place, Midnighter is getting his kill boner going on some minor demons of Hell. He's finally arrived and he's going to make sure he enjoys every minute of it.

Midnighter's first task is to hunt down the Lords of the Gun, take the Ace of Winchesters from them, load the gun, and kill The Mawzir, all while trying not to be killed by The Mawzir, presumably. But right from the beginning, everything goes tits up.

I hope one of Midnighter's skills is reforging rifles.

The Ranking!
No change! This whole Mawzir thing is just making me want to reread Hitman. I hope my Hitman comic books aren't in my mother's basement in California!

Midnighter and Apollo #2

White covers like this make me realize I really need to clean the glass on my scanner. Gross.

I have an irrational hatred of Jason Todd fans who reblog my more upbeat and positive commentaries on Scott Lobdell's Red Hood series. It portrays me as more reasonable and sensible and forgiving of Scott Lobdell's writing than I'd like to be portrayed. Please only reblog the ones where I discuss learning how to sew so that I can travel back in time and stitch up Lobdell's mother's vagina.

Hmm. You know what? Don't read that last paragraph. Or forget that you read it because even though the sentiment is "I wish Scott Lobdell had never been born," it comes across as misogynistic and violent towards women. Maybe reread it as me reading the Wikipedia article on performing castrations so I can go back in time and visit Scott Lobdell's grandfather. Then I'll just threaten him with castration if he doesn't sew up his daughter's vagina. With my luck, I'll probably accidentally visit his father's father which won't change anything I wanted changed at all!

You know what? Don't read that second paragraph either! This has really started out in a dark and disgusting place. Even I'm embarrassed for myself! Not because I wrote it but because my sense of pride won't allow me to delete it. All of my words, no matter how ugly and deformed and malicious, are my babies! I can't destroy them! This is why writers need editors. Because editors are cold-blooded assholes with a wicked grin, bloodlust in their eyes, and drying baby word blood all over their boot heels. Fucking monsters!

The moral of the story is that Jason Todd is a terrible character. Although I will admit he's more entertaining than Tim Drake.

At the end of the last issue, Bendix set a trap to lock Midnighter in a bunker with him where Midnighter wouldn't be able to save Apollo from being sent to hell by the Mawzir. In the months since I read that issue, I've often woken up in a cold sweat and thought, "Stop writing about sewing up women's vaginas! Giving birth to Lobdellian monsters isn't their fault!" No wait. What I wake up thinking is, "How does Bendix think he's going to survive after having Apollo killed? What is left to keep Midnighter from dismantling Bendix one cell at a time?" Then I jerk off into a sock to get ready for my day.

It almost feels like I'm writing this commentary to purposefully drive away people who found my blog thanks to Gail Simone! I don't think I am! I mean, I think I might be! But not the on purpose part! You know how people say "The heart wants what the heart wants"? I hate those people. I mean, I should say also, "The brain wants what the brain wants." And if you sit down in front of a keyboard and just let your thoughts spill out of you without any filter, sometimes you're going to say things that are funny, and sometimes you're going to say things that even Hitler probably would think twice about saying. And you know Hitler, right? He was apparently the worst person in the world. Although we might have to re-calibrate that now that Twitter exists. Some people are truly terrible and not pretend terrible like I've totally pretending to have been earlier in this commentary. Right?

Did you buy that? Maybe I should just say for the record, since it might have been called into question by this point, I'm totally and completely against sewing vaginas shut. I'm not even sure how vaginas work or if that could stop a woman from having a baby. All I know about the female anatomy is a riddle I was asked in fifth grade that I didn't understand for years: Why can't the Go-Gos have babies? Because their lips are sealed.

For a nerdy Lobot motherfucker, Bendix isn't as smart as I would have thought he was programmed to be.

The gauntlet that Midnighter must run to escape from the Bendix's Samoan Bunker (that sounds like a dessert I might one day invent) consists of a swarm of eagles with lasers on their heads, a screaming holograph of Thomas Jefferson that shoots eyeball lasers, GI Robot, a hail of throwing stars and arrows, vanilla pudding dropped from the ceiling like boiling oil, and a pit full of hungry babies. Midnighter manages to get through it all in time to stop Mawzir from shooting Apollo in the head. But I still think he's too late because the cover of the third issue shows Midnighter at the gates of Hell.

The Mawzir flees from Midnighter for some reason. Maybe because Midnighter reminds him too much of Tommy Monaghan. Or maybe The Mawzir is just smarter than me and knows when it's gone too far. Not that I've ever gone too far! Pshaw!

Oh! I've got an aside. Don't worry, it isn't about how truly stupid Donald Trump is. It's about the other Republicans in our government! Hey, Republican voters? I'm a big time liberal pinktard (is that what you call us?) and I don't totally disagree with some of Republican policies. I mean, I disagree with all of them currently (and probably have sense they decided governing should be closely related to elementary school recess interactions without an adult supervising (as I perceive it, that was sometime in the 90s after Clinton was elected and they were all butthurt that they weren't in control of filling their pockets with corporate and lobbyist money)). What I'm suggesting, Republican voters, is fucking do something about the people you want representing you. They're all selfish assholes who only care about maintaining their position of power and easy income. They don't fucking care about anybody and Trump is the best example of these monsters you've decided are somehow representative of the white working class (they're not. I'm fucking white working class and I would never agree with anything any of these current load of smegma-smelling idiots ever). Oh, I guess this was a little bit about Trump.

Shit. I just realized that off-topic paragraph was probably a waste of time. This is a comic book about two gay dudes! Why would a Republican be reading it?!

Stop fucking the bullet wound and get him to a hospital, you sicko perv!

Midnighter decides to put Apollo in a room pumping in solar energy to try to bring him back to life. I really hope that we don't have to put up with an Apollo Boy and a Cyborg Apollo and Apollo Steel followed by Red and Blue Electric Powered Apollo! I don't know if I could go through that again and I didn't even really pay attention to it the first time.

When the infusion of solar radiation doesn't seem to be working, Midnighter visits some guy named Extraño to find out where Apollo's soul went. It's so fucking obvious he went to Hell. You know why I think that. You know. I mentioned earlier how I've already seen the cover to Issue #3.

Midnighter discovers Apollo is in Hell being tortured by Neron. Uh oh. Apollo is in for a terrible time. Not because he's in Hell! But because shit rolls downhill and Neron has just recently been shat all over by Constantine. He's definitely looking to make somebody else's life crazy miserable. And by life, I guess I mean death?

Midnighter decides he's going to go save Apollo. Do you think he already knows how this ends? I do and he'd better not fucking look back on the way out!

The Ranking!
+1 Ranking! Reading well-written Midnighter stories makes me happy. It's like reading Batman stories but where Batman doesn't have a huge stick up his ass. Instead he has a huge dick up his ass! Har har! That joke was entirely too immature even for this blog because I really meant the thing about Midnighter being like Batman minus the stick up his ass. Comparing it to another thing that happened to me today — finding a used sanitary napkin on top of my work clothes — I'd say this is the best comic book I've ever read in my entire life! Also enjoyable today: using the term "sanitary napkin"! Now I'm picturing a vagina dabbing daintily at its ketchup-stained lips after removing the hot dog from its orifice. At a picnic, of course!

Midnighter and Apollo #1

Why did they add the "and"?! If a comic book finally deserved to have "love" added between the names of the title characters, it's probably this one!

The Commentary!
Apparently there's a professional wrestling event being televised right now but I wasn't really in the mood for something so homoerotic. So instead I'll read this!

But first, a word from DC's sponsor!

I hope this isn't targeted at gay people because it's giving me a boner.

At one point, I was a fan of Apollo and Midnighter. But ever since they broke up and Midnighter moved on, I've realized they're better off apart. Mostly because Apollo is a super boring loser. I suppose that makes sense because he was meant to be Hyper-Superman and Superman is a regular boring loser. But Batman is super ultra cool which makes Midnighter mega super duper ultra cool! And I just don't think it's fair to Midnighter to be shackled to a boring prig. Also Apollo is blond and uck! Midnighter needs a swarthy, dark-haired, probably musky fellow with an indeterminate accent! Or Dick Grayson. Anyway, I'm sorry to say, Apollo, you're just not good enough for Midnighter anymore. I hope this series ends with your death.

This issue begins with Midnighter confronting some Los Angeles subway pirates. Now I wish subway pirates were a real thing. And I don't mean a real thing as in a Craigslist ad for a flash mob calling for people dressed as pirates to invade a subway at a specific time and place. I want a real gang of terrible people swarming all over subway cars in search of booty.

Midnighter is after the subway pirates because they've kidnapped a bunch of children to fuel the God Train. The God Train is a giant humanoid made out of subway cars. It's like an inner city Voltron. It's also a bit like the shitty knock-off robot toy your grandmother buys you for your birthday when you ask for Optimus Prime. And even though the disappointment breaks your heart as you open the present and see shit where glory should have been, you can't even complain about it because your grandmother is sitting there with a huge grin across her face convinced that she got you exactly what you wanted. Stupid old biddy.

After the children are saved and the Train God deconstructed, Midnighter and Apollo have dinner with Tony and Marina. Tony is Midnighter's heterosexual friend who owns a bar and Marina is Midnighter's Penny One except he calls her Asset 14. Unless those things are wrong and I'm misremembering the Midnighter series. You would think writing about the books as I read them would help me remember them. But I think it's the opposite. I think I get so involved in the things I'm writing, I don't pay as close attention to the book as I should. Plus I lie a lot about what actually happened in the comic book and later can only remember the lie.

After dinner, Midnighter and Apollo do whatever it is gay guys do when they're dating. Fall sleep on the couch watching Seven Brides for Seven Brothers?

Or whatever this is!

After Coitus Broadway Musicalis, Apollo and Midnighter have one of those discussions I'm really getting tired of. It's that one where one hero says, "Killing is bad!" And then the other hero says, "Killing is good!" Why does it have to be one or the other? Midnighter says, "Some people just need to be killed." And I think that gets to the heart of it, even though when Midnighter says "some," he actually means "all." The issue shouldn't be that a hero should never kill a bad guy. Sometimes, a supervillain should be killed! Especially when the asshole has returned for the sixty-fifth time in three years and has murdered bunches of people upon each return. I can forgive certain characters for not killing, like Batman and Superman. Superman never needs to because he's all powerful. Batman never needs to because he'll get a taste for how easy it is and the next thing you know, the only punishment for breaking a law in Gotham will be death by Batman. Which is kind of the way it goes with Midnighter. He did kill an awful lot of Subway Pirates, many of whom probably just liked dressing up as pirates and hanging out on the subway and knew nothing of the kidnapped children. Although I'm not going to cry over a bunch of corpses of people who liked dressing up as pirates in public. Good riddance!

Meanwhile in Gotham's Oblivion Bar, Henry Bendix is searching for somebody to destroy Apollo and Midnighter. The only person--er, people--um, demons?--willing to take him up on the offer are the Lords of the Gun. For payment, Bendix gives them the Ace of Winchesters, the only weapon able to destroy them. The last time I saw this gun was in Hitman during the "Ace of Killers" story! Has it taken the Lords of the Gun all this time to get the weapon back to hell?

Bendix is just engaging in self-preservation since Midnighter is currently looking for him. And as noted earlier, Midnighter doesn't seek out villains just to let a court decide their fate. And when Midnighter finally finds Bendix in his hidey-hole, Bendix is waiting to trap Midnighter. He locks Midnighter in the bunker with him while the Mawzir attacks Apollo and Opal City.

I see the Mawzir dropped the swastika from his forehead!

Apollo cannot escape the power of Mawzir's bullets and finds himself in Hell after being shot. So this series is going to be Midnighter versus all Hell? I've got ten bucks on Midnighter!

The Ranking!
+2! Heck, I should bump that up to +3 just for having Mawzir and the Lords of the Gun as guest stars! I talk about how poorly I remember comic books (I just did it right here in this commentary!) but I have to admit there are a few exceptions. Hitman is one of them. Oh! Maybe Midnighter will rescue Tommy Monoghan who is surely in Hell, right?! RIGHT, DC COMICS?!

Oh! And also? Apollo died just like I wished! Ha ha!

Stormwatch #30

Who are these people?

Stormwatch in the Magenta Timeline ended between Issue #29 and Issue #30. After Jenny Soul decided she didn't want a gigantic, all-powerful suppository shoved up her hoo-hole, the team sat around trying to figure out what to do next. That's when Lobo returned to the Universe's Pilot Light which was no longer guarded by the Crayola Timelords because they'd been written out of existence. Lobo lit his cigar with it and then promptly blew it out. Everything ceased to exist. Even Jim Starlin.

So now we're back in The New 52! Although we're all a bit more cynical now, aren't we? Because we've experienced a story outside of the 52 Universes that are said to exist in The New 52. We now know there's more to it than DC has been letting on. Could it be, we think, catching our breath and touching our genitals tenderly, that The New 52 is simply a smaller part of an...this thought comes upon us, almost unthinkable...infinite amount of universes?!

Not like that thought is really anything new. Most of the New 52 titles take place on New Earth but there are enough New Earth stories dealing with alternate timelines and alternate realities that the idea of 52 coherent universes doesn't even fucking matter. Rebooting their characters from time to time seems like a fine idea if you want to keep origins and the history of characters modern and timely. But trying to limit your universe so you can somehow keep tight control of the continuity of it? Forget it, DC. Stop fucking trying. Just let the writers write and let the fanboys point out how Green Lantern never could have been in three places at once last month. Who the fuck cares? As long as all three Green Lantern stories rock my bunghole, I'm fine with dyscontinuity! That's a combination of the words "dysfunctional," "continuity," and "incontinence."

Oh. So they're aware of their brief stint inside Jim Starlin's brain? That's too bad. I bet they dream of Warworld for weeks.

I had to check the rating on the front of the issue before I make my next prediction. The Rating is Teen+, so my next guess is that Apollo will mention how much bigger Midnighter's penis was in that other universe, so it wasn't all bad.

Even though Stormwatch has returned from Jim Starlin's brain-space, it hasn't been returned in the same condition it was loaned out. Stormwatch Headquarters is now called The Carrier and they're once again using Door Technology. Their computer banks even slyly reference The Authority, probably because they live in The Bleed and exist everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. Like cats.

That sounds like a sly allusion to the myth that gay guys will fuck anything! That's obviously a myth since they don't fuck vaginas.

I don't even know if that's a myth! I just made it up because I think Apollo really does want to double team this alien's head with Midnighter. He did say something about mounting it in the bedroom! Also, my friend Kenny, who is gay and thus represents all gay men, once told me a story about how he received oral sex from a stranger while walking through the park. That's almost like fucking an alien in the head!

The next panel which I'd failed to read before making all of my insensitive comments has Apollo mentioning that he brings back these trophies for research purposes. Now he can find out important things like how nice his penis feels inside of it and how it reacts to his super powered sun semen.

Oh! I also wanted to say that I really liked The Engineer's Hal Jordan comment. That was a nice touch there, Mr. Sterling. It probably also helps place the return of Stormwatch back into the New 52 timeline. But I don't follow that stuff very closely so it doesn't matter to me. I just hope Midnighter battles Dex-Starr this issue!

Currently Jack Hawksmoor is on sabbatical because he's lucky enough to have a job that offers sabbaticals. And Jenny Quantum is off trying to kiss a boy. He's kind of a depressed boy so I'm hoping he's the boy that now houses Etrigan the Demon. Her date is not going very well. Probably because he's full of inner torment and demon penises.

No you won't! You abandon your lovely street burrito as soon as you get the call to return to The Carrier! Dumb dumb!

As Jenny Quantum arrives in Los Angeles to battle a huge City Hall Gobot (it's obviously a Gobot as opposed to a Transformer since it still basically looks like a building when it turns into a robot), she describes Stormwatch and all its members. She even gives a little history because this book has been needing some kind of coherent explanation of the group that the readership can digest. Too bad it's happening in the last issue!

Stormwatch is currently on the run from Planetary The Shadow Cabinet, a group of three mysterious figures (plus the lost Fourth Man (so you know, nothing at all like Planetary!)), that were trying to control them. But Stormwatch didn't like being controlled, so they gave notice and disappeared into The Bleed. And now they're practically ready for a new series! A good series! A series written by Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea! No, wait. That series would suck because the team would constantly be fighting gigantic alien genitalia trying to use Earth as a toilet.

During the Battle Against L.A., The Engineer rehires The Projectionist to help keep Stormwatch a secret. But she doesn't rehire Martian Manhunter, so they can't erase people's memories, just people's video evidence. They'll just have to live with being a seemingly Urban Legend rather than complete unknowns.

The team eventually finds Jack Hawsmoor hugging some alien technology that's turning the city into monsters. Midnighter is knocked unconscious by the technology's defenses, so now it's all up to Jenny Quantum.

Her love of ponies?

Also, Jenny Quantum is going to be might surprised when she finds she has one more year to live than she realizes. Also, everybody has been lying to her and she's actually only thirteen.

Jenny claims "emotional blackmail" is the greatest weapon a fourteen thirteen year old girl has at her disposal. I don't know if that's exactly what she uses here since it seems like she mostly just uses the very real fact that she loves and cares for and relies on Hawksmoor and the other members of Stormwatch to break the alien technology's hold over Jack. Maybe she doesn't actually like any of them and she only cries crocodile tears. It's possible she's just using them all to gain more power which means more freedom so she can ditch their old asses. I think that might constitute emotional blackmail.

Stormwatch doesn't discover that the alien technology they just destroyed was put there by The Shadow Cabinet trying to trap them. Also, Adam One seems to now be a member of the Shadow Cabinet. So he's the Fourth Man although the panel with the Shadow Cabinet only shows three men. That means Jakita must be in the bathroom at the moment.

After Jenny Quantum uses door to return to her date, kiss the boy, and break up, a fleet of alien ships come out of The Bleed saying in their alien Runespeak Old Portugese [sic} language, "Finally, after all this time, we've found it...EARTH." But that's about as far as their invasion goes before Stormwatch finally, after thirty issues, begins acting like fucking Stormwatch!

Stormwatch is finally here! The end.

Stormwatch #30 Rating: I'm not changing the ranking at which I've already retired this comic book. But this issue is a good sign for a future return of Stormwatch. The team felt right here. The team was doing what they're supposed to do. And they fucking were getting along with each other. I don't mind if they squabble or get pissy with each other; heck, I demand that! But enough with issue after issue of physical violence between team members. I guess that's an old complaint though. I think the Fake Stormwatch got along okay in their alternate reality. But all the characters sucked in that reality, so I wouldn't have cared if they wound up punching each other in the face over there. Anyway, thanks for letting them go out on a good issue, Mr. Sterling.

I know it's Mr. Gates! I just like saying Mr. Sterling!

Stormwatch #29

I'm already bored.

For whatever reason, DC, the Wildstorm Universe failed to merge very well with your mainstream Universe. I say "whatever reason" because I'm being kind. I know the reason it failed. It failed because the Wildstorm comics were written horribly. Grifter was awful bullshit that probably took three years off of my life because I dared look deeply into its plot and found it lacking. Voodoo was confusing and annoying. Stormwatch has been the only comic that has been decent at times. But this last ditch effort to make it more like the original Wildstorm version failed miserably. Unless it didn't. But if it didn't then my initial drunken assessment of Wildstorm fans was on the money and I was too quick to apologize for calling them drunken fratboys. Are people enjoying this version more than the other version? It sucks in so many more and varied ways! But the main issue with all of the Wildstorm titles is that they were never consistent. The characters and their motivations, even their origins and backstories, kept changing as each writer came along to try to shake things up and find a wider audience. Part of that was the fault of DC for launching The New 52 too quickly. Not every idea for every New 52 title was well-formed. A number of titles (and not just the Wildstorm ones) had soft reboots in the middle of the series that expected the reader to just forget everything about the title character(s) up until that point. I'm not sure how that's supposed to help sell more books. I guess the company philosophy is that you make more money by fucking the people that have stuck with a book by changing everything about it to lure in the new readers?

Stormwatch has simply had too many writers writing their own versions of the group. At least Jim Starlin didn't take the old characters and just suddenly make them different. He decided to make literal new versions of the old characters by changing the timeline. That "at least" doesn't mean I approve. It just means it doesn't quite enrage the "actually" part of my brain as much as when Liefeld took over Deathstroke immediately after an issue in which we learn Slade's ultimate motivation is to prove to his father that he's better than him and began with Slade mentioning how his motivation for everything he did was his wife Adelaide or Adeline or Gatorade or whatever.

Don't think I'm a Wildstorm hater just to hate Wildstorm! I'm just pointing out how the Wildstorm to DC Launches all went wrong in much the same way! DC fucked up a lot of their regular characters the same way. Hawkman? Green Arrow (who somehow survived it all!)? Captain Atom? Blue Beetle? The Question? Oh wait. DC is still having problems with the Charlton character merge as well!

Hellstrike battles naked wearing only a vest?

These jerks are confused because they were previously doing nothing just like they're doing now but in an alternate location. While they sat about staring at Hellstrike's uncovered dong, Jenny Soul was off saving the universe by doing everything Excremax the Ohmergerd told her to do as the plot unfolded unnaturally. Hopefully this plot continues on in the same fashion so I can rush right through it. Why didn't this comic book end a few issues ago without any resolution? Jim Starlin should have just let the Crayola Timelords win, obliterating all traces of this version of Stormwatch who are going to cease to exist by the end of this series anyway. Unless Excremax uses his newly acquired unlimited powers to banish Stormwatch from his timeline so he can do whatever he wants with his new Cosmic Suppository! Then maybe they'll return to New Earth's Universe.

Usage Requirements: must be taken anally.

Excremax the Ohmergerd lies to Jenny Soul and tells her that he cannot use the Cosmic Suppository because he's not a "natural telepath." In truth, he just doesn't want to ram this thing up his anus. But he's willing to help Jenny Soul fit this thing inside of her! Even though it's three times as big as she is. Don't worry, Jenny. The anal sphincter is a marvel of elasticity!

Jenny thinks about shoving the Cosmic Suppository up her butthole and becoming the most powerful person in the Universe, able to change reality with a single, uncomfortable thought. She licks her finger and tries to stick it in her ass and finds even her tiniest finger uncomfortable. So she gives up, tears the Cosmic Suppository into three pieces, and banishes them to separate parts of the universe. Excremax watches his dream destroyed, shrugs his shoulders, and says, "Life. Sometimes you get to ride the dildo, and sometimes the dildo rides you. What can you do?"

Meanwhile at Stormwatch Headquarters' gay bar, The Coming Storm:

Every issue, Apollo and Midnighter discuss leaving and decide they'll hang in a while longer.

Hellstrike and X the Shaman flirt for a bit as they discuss X's dead family and Hellstrike's homophobia. But in the end, they're just too different and they don't go home with each other. Hellstrike decides to see if anybody else is interested in his shirtless vest look while X goes home to do tons of drugs.

Elsewhere on the ship, A-I disengages from The Engineer with a loud, squelchy slurp and a soft exhalation of contented bliss. After the intimate bonding between the two of them, they decide to just be friends. A-I leaves before the entire comic book collapses in on itself.

That leaves Storm Control to figure out what to do next by speaking with Planetary. I mean the Shadow Lords! It turns out Storm Control is a clone of Martian Manhunter. Except without the super powers or the martian part. So, um, wait. What? He's a non-super powered human that was developed with Martian DNA? That makes as much sense as anything else Jim Starlin has written! I think he peaked with Warworld! Storm Control decides to keep existing rather than to not exist at all. That seems like a sensible choice.

And then, I guess, it's all over. Lobo didn't even get an appearance!

Stormwatch #29 Rating: -3 Ranking. The ending of this entire comic was as lackluster and inane as the non-ending part of this series which, I suppose, was the rest of it. I don't hate to see this version of Stormwatch end. Good riddance. Unless there is one more issue. Previous news was this was cancelled at Issue #30. But this creative team is definitely wrapping their shit up. So I may or may not have one more issue to read.

Stormwatch #27

I hear Crayola Timelords burn for thirty minutes.

This book is just all over the fucking place. Last issue was a thinly veiled morality play warning the readers about the dangers of Fundamentalist thought. It was kind of a time out issue where Stormwatch learned the motivations of The Crayola Timelords as Excremax the Ohmergerd and Mordak the Who? stood by and waited for Stormwatch to return to Earth. Each group had one piece of some cosmic thingamajig or something. Fuck. Who cares, right? This comic book went off the rails a long fucking time ago and it's just barreling across the landscape running over children and stray cats on its way to plummeting over a cliff into Cancellation Canyon.

One of the many civilians on board Skywatch that do contract work like cooking fish sticks and tater tots every Wednesday or unclogging the toilet after Midnighter gets through with it (look, he knows everything's secret weakness! He probably destroys every toilet bowl he sits on through sheer instinct) has been stealing Stormwatch secrets and passing them on to Martian Manhunter. J'onn is probably curious about Stormwatch because he keeps having a recurring dream that he once worked for them but nobody remembers him working for them because he erased all of their memories but then he lost his memory of working for them as well because none of that ever happened in this Magenta Timeline. Unless we're in the Black Timeline now. I told you I'm not paying close enough attention to this train wreck anymore. Anyway, that civilian's memories are erased and he's fired without pay and he probably also has to reimburse Stormwatch for any food he ate while on Skywatch. It was all right there in the fine print in the contract he signed, right next to the part where he wasn't supposed to steal any Fizzy Lifting Juice.

This issue is finally going to get to Stormwatch's plan to defeat the Crayola Timelords. They're going to meet up with Excremax the Ohmergerd and Mordak the Who? to offer to team up with them against the Crayola Timelords. I think the negotiations will involve a bunch of punching each other in the face until the Crayola Timelords arrive to fuck with time and everyone goes, "Oh hey! Let's punch those assholes in the face now!"

Looks like the meeting is off to a successful start!

Storm Control has decided to send a small group to deal with the negotiations consisting of Jenny Soul, A-I (still in The Engineer's body), Apollo, and Hellstrike. I know Hellstrike is only along as a bodyguard but do you think it's really a good idea to send a racist, homophobic asshole into a diplomatic situation? What if Excremax the Ohmergerd declares that each of the members of the diplomatic party have to cup his testicles to swear allegiance and Hellstrike declares, "I don't make deals with Nancy boys!" I guess then Apollo would melt Hellstrike's face. So maybe that's why Apollo is there!

You know, I don't like this plan at all. Just send in Midnighter. He's the guy to get the job done. Why the fuck is he being left back on Skywatch? Storm Control has no idea what he's doing.

Maybe I should discuss the battle. First let me show you the "battle" between Apollo and Mordak the Who?

Knockout in three panels! I think.

What the fuck kind of a fight scene was that? Mordak grabs Apollo! Oh no! How will Apollo get free!? Um, who the fuck knows since all we get is a close up of Apollo's face and then Mordak is split right down the middle. By the look on his face, I'd guess Apollo simply clenched his butt cheeks really hard and Mordak was destroyed.

Meanwhile Storm Control finally removes his space suit to reveal his true identity.

Maybe it's not true in the strictest meaning of the word true. Unless he actually is Martian Manhunter and not just doing a really good cosplay of him. It's hard to know what the fuck is what since the Crayola Timelords fucked with the timeline!

Back aboard Excremax the Ohmergerd's ship (it might be called Warworld unless Jim Starlin has come up with a different name for the same fucking idea he keeps having), the negotiators continue their negotiations. Back on Earth, Storm Control disguised as Martian Manhunter attempts to enter A.R.G.U.S. so that he can destroy the information that the real Martian Manhunter apparently stole. This might wind up being a Tyler Durden situation. But before any more can be revealed on Earth, Hawkman interrupts and forces the story to bounce back to the negotiations. Damn it all! Can't you finish one scene at a time, Jim Starlin?!

Apparently Excremax the Ohmergerd notices that a Crayola Timelord has traveled to Earth's distant past to destroy the human race before they ever appear. But he apparently fails, time travel being what it is, since none of the humans in Stormwatch suddenly wink out of existence. Time travel also being what it is (I'm going to keep saying that until it makes sense), Excremax and Jenny Soul travel back in time to stop the Crayola Timelord which they must do. Time travel, you know, being what it is.

Not Mordak the Where?! Mordak the Who?!

Excremax and Jenny Soul wind up in the time of dinosaurs which would be one of those eras that ends in an "ic." Maybe. Nobody actually knows. I guess the Crayola Timelord figured the easiest way to kill humans was to catch them when they're tiny and furry little burrowing mammals. Unless mankind was actually brought down to Earth as slaves for the Anunnaki. Maybe that's why the Crayola Timelord appeared so far in the Earth's past! He's going to have to battle the Anunnaki and destroy all of their slaves before they become mankind.

Stormwatch #27 Rating: No change. Fuck this issue! Lobo didn't even make an appearance! And Midnighter was benched! And Hawkman had a guest appearance? I don't think they could have gotten a worse hero to guest star! And why was he so angry at J'onn J'onzz? Oh wait. Hawkman is always angry. Never mind. I suppose I owe some reader an apology. I don't remember the reader but this person once said that he or she just stopped buying a comic book (I think it might have been Swords of Sorcery) when they found it was cancelled. I thought that was an incredibly stupid thing to do, especially if you like a comic book. Who cares if you know the story is going to stop sometime in the future? Well, now I think I know how this reader felt. Stormwatch has been falling apart for so long that now that I know it's over soon, I'm barely giving it much thought. I know I'm not going to really need to remember what's going on for the last few issues! Hell, I haven't been following what's actually going on for the previous few issues! Maybe I should just stop reading it! No, no. They can't leave Lobo out of the story entirely for two issues running. Besides, he has to extinguish the Pilot Light of the Magenta Timeline and set everything back to normal.

Stormwatch #26

Which Earth's?

I think this issue is going to give us the background on the Crayola Timelords. But I think a lot of things that aren't true. And this comic book has just sort of been throwing plot points at the wall to see if any of them are done. Most of them have not been done and wind up sliding down behind the stove to be forgotten. So I'm not even going to try to remember what the fuck has been happening. The main thing to remember is that Lobo has been trying to put out the universe's pilot light while the Crayola Timelords watch and shrug their Red-Orange shoulders. Or Orange-red. I forget which one of those was my favorite Crayola Crayon!

I wonder how much acid Jim Starlin dropped while writing this issue?

I miss doing acid and mushrooms. I bet they would make writing this blog interminable! You'd probably get commentaries that go on for hundreds of paragraphs as they continuously spiral around the same set of words that I've suddenly become fascinated by typing. The last time I did mushrooms was about ten or eleven years ago by myself and they weren't very potent. I watched Run Lola Run and played some Wizardry 8. I had not mind-blowing experiences. I did not see Gumby and nearly die from laughter, nor did I meet Data from Star Trek's look-a-like. The Data experience was one of the saddest moments in my entire life when I realized the truly horrible weight that existence puts on even the most perky and upbeat of us.

My friend Mike and I used to drop acid or eat mushrooms and spend the day at Great America Amusement Park in Santa Clara, California. One time in line for that stupid Viking ship that swings back and forth while everyone sits staring at each other with stupid grins on their faces expecting a fuck-load more excitement than is actually delivered, we saw a guy a few lines over that was nearly the spitting image of Data. Not Brent Spiner. Data. He had the sallow skin with the odd, painted or greasy texture that I always imagine Data's skin must have. Our friend Brad decided to go up to him and ask for a picture. We couldn't hear him as he talked to the Data look-a-like but you could see the moment of recognition in Data's eyes as Brad got the message across. His shoulders began to sag, his expression changed to despair and resignation, and a dead pall dropped down across his eyes. All of the happiness and exuberance that had been on display before Brad interrupted him drained away into the aether. He looked up for the camera without a smile and...and this is the part that crushed my entire outlook on the future and any optimism I had left that the universe was not a harsh, unrelenting destroyer of hope...he slowly, as if his arms were weighted with the decaying dreams of all parents who have lost their babies to randomness and disease, raised up one hand to display the Vulcan Salute. I have no idea what may have happened to that photograph that Brad took. I, for one, have never seen it nor been inclined to seek it out. I can only imagine that it holds a Ring-like Curse for whoever views it, causing their death to unfold in exactly seven days after looking at the image.

Man, acid was the best!

So Stormwatch has traveled far out in space so that they can learn the truth of the Crayola Timelords. I suppose A-I had to get them really, really far away from every other living thing so that nobody could overhear the truest truths of who they are. The Shadow Lords agree that this is the best course of action because nobody actually cares what happens to this Earth. It's probably Earth Wildstorm and DC is finally just throwing in the towel on the Wildstorm characters. I hope Grifter makes a return written by Charles Soule so that my head can explode as I suddenly find myself loving the character!

I still have to wonder if Milligan was going to make the Shadow Lords turn out to be Planetary. Now we'll never know! Unless somebody asks him!

I just asked him! Although it was via a submit box on his website that didn't take any of my information. So I don't know who he's going to answer me! But I can't worry about that. What do I know about technology? Maybe Peter Milligan will respond directly into my mindscape! I hope he doesn't do that because then I won't have any idea if I imagined it or it was a real response. Oh well, if I randomly believe that he answered me later, I'll let you guys know what he said!

Meanwhile, Apollo has a nice dream about how he met Midnighter. Or bad dream. Nice nightmare? Anyway, he wakes up with a start and provides one of the most scandalous pictures I've ever seen in a DC comic book.

Seriously? Lavender bedding? Midnighter and Apollo, I am fucking shocked and appalled.

Midnighter and Apollo have a touching moment of shared insecurities before they're called on to be productive members of Stormwatch as opposed to the lazy layabouts they usually are. What is this? Their honeymoon vacation in the Magenta Timeline? I wonder what's going to become of these guys once this book is cancelled. Will this whole Crayola Timelords Universe just cease to exist? What other comic book would be most likely to feature these guys? Because, really, I can give or take Stormwatch since DC seems to want to concentrate on throwing the gigantic cosmic crises at Justice League. But I'll miss these guys if they don't find another place to crash.

I'll probably miss Jenny Quantum too but I'm already missing her because we've got this imposter Jenny Soul to deal with right now! You know who else I miss? Jack Hawksmoor!

A-I informs Stormwatch that the Crayola Timelords are just a bunch of Luddites trying to mold at least one other race in the universe into beings like them. I suppose playing Bridge against other people that are part of your "Kollective" kind of takes out the surprise of your opponent's plays. So they need another race of aliens that will be able to manipulate time and space as well. Which just seems dangerous to me. You don't want anybody but yourself being able to change time or you're going to be pretty well fucked. Just look at the movie Primer!

Meanwhile, The Frog Navigator tries to give Lobo an attitude adjustment so he'll stop being so violent and erratic! See how he throws glasses? Look at him use the harsh words, "Fat chance!" I'm starting to suspect this isn't the guy that has committed genocide against several alien races. Perhaps Twat Lobo is the real Lobo!

"You'll feel much happier once you accept that you're a prisoner and not a slave. World of difference, 'Bo Bro!"

As Midnighter and Apollo explore another planet, A-I begins to speak of the Crayola Timelords as if they're religious fundamentalists. A-I points out how all of their beliefs are ignorant and harmful unlike A-I's beliefs which are the best because they're backed by computers and scientific theory! How ridiculous! How can science save your soul?! How can theory based on evidence be better than belief and faith?! Seriously, do you want to live forever or understand the workings of the universe? Your pick!

What? Fundamentalists are destroying the human race with their ignorance?! Ludicrous! How can a bunch of people that believe in an everlasting life in a faraway place and that the end times are nigh be a threat to our existence?!

Back in Earth Orbit, Mordak and Excremax the Ohmergerd decide to wait and see what Stormwatch does next. That's not a bad plan because if they wait long enough (four issues to be exact!), the problem will take care of itself!

Over in the Crayola Timelords' dimension, they have come to a decision. It's the decision they always eventually come to. They can never actually tackle their problems head on, so this is what they always do: go back in time and change the past. Can't deal with Jenny Soul being able to kill them? Go back in time and destroy the Earth before Jenny Soul is ever born. Problem solved!

Stormwatch #26 Rating: +1 Ranking. I don't know that the story in this issue actually jives with the stories in previous issues but I'm not willing to spend any more time thinking about the cohesiveness of this comic book's plotlines. This issue, standing alone, away from its peers, way out in the Magenta Timeline, tells a decent enough story and presents a nice conflict for Stormwatch to try and resolve. Sure, some of the players in the story had to just stand around waiting for next issue when something will actually happen. But that's because Jim Starlin might have created too many issues that he wasn't totally sure what to do with previously. But I think it's all coming together nicely for a big end of the Magenta Earth Extravaganza! Although Lobo was, once again, disappointing.

Stormwatch #25

Who the fuck is Mordak? What happened to Excremax the Ohmergerd and The Crayola Timelords?!

Last issue, Stormwatch was being coerced into helping some creature called A-I. The creature wanted them to make friends with Excremax the Ohmergerd so that they could combine forces while putting Jenny Soul at great risk to defeat the Crayola Timelords. Although the Crayola Timelords could just keep changing the timeline until they weren't defeated. Right?

I guess Jim Starlin knew that everybody would be asking the same question I asked after seeing this cover, "Who the fuck is Mordak?", because this issue begins with this panel:

So can we forget about Excremax making an appearance? Are we just dealing with Mordak now? Not that I mind! All these weird aliens are all the same to me! Call them whatever you want! I'll just type "the antagonist" anyway!

A-I tells Stormwatch the plan and, I admit it, I'm too stupid and/or uninterested to really comprehend it. The gist of it is that they must fight Mordak on Earth and take the final piece of the artifact from his dead hands. And once they've killed Excremax's right hand man and stolen what was rightfully Excremax's artifact, they'll be able to befriend Excremax!

You know what? After stating the plan, I hope I really don't understand it because it's stupid.

Stormwatch actually just stakes out Mordak until he locates the object. Then it becomes a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World race to retrieve it. Actually, The Weird rushes off to nab it while the rest of Stormwatch remains behind to lay some Dick Dastardlyesque traps to slow Mordak down.

It's then that A-I sets off a bomb that cuts communication between Mordak and Warworld that I finally understand the plan. I guess I didn't realize that the new Shaman was called "X" and that he was creating portals for teleportation as opposed to the old Door system that Stormwatch was using. X teleported onto the ship and dropped a bomb near the arrays that keep Warworld in contact with Mordak. Now they've disabled that contact and are free to beat the shit out of Mordak while retaining plausible deniability when they deal with Excremax.

Now that I've finally gotten past my idiocy and figured out the first few pages, it's time for a gigantic fist fight where Lobo winds up making his last stand.

Um. I hope that's not it.

After the rest of Stormwatch begins to fall, Lobo regenerates and sees his chance to ditch these losers. It's okay for him to flee this battle because he didn't sign any contracts or give his word or accept any money to deal with this shit. They just drafted his ass and threw him into the group. Hopefully he'll get away so he can destroy Twat Lobo in his very own New 52 comic book written by Alan Grant and drawn by Simon Bisley. Oh wait! I already have issues of that comic book lying around here. I think I'll go read that and pretend they're part of The New 52.

The Midnighter hasn't shown his face yet, so I'm guessing he's watching the battle and learning all of Mordak's weaknesses. Once Apollo falls, Midnighter will rush in and poke out Mordak's eyes while kicking him in the balls and shoving a Redwood up his ass. His own ass, not Mordak's. For motivation!

Meanwhile, The Weird successfully completes his task. I don't know what Jenny Soul is up to.

Oh wait. Jenny Soul arrives to spearhead the exit protocol. Judging by the way she takes out Mordak with one Soulblast, I think she should have simply been Plan A. Also, she should just be teleported in front of Excremax the Ohmergerd to take him out too. She already killed a few Crayola Timelords which nobody has ever done ever! The rest of the crew should just hang out baking cookies while she does all the work.

Really? Midnighter was just working cleanup? What a waste of talent.

That bit with A-I mentioning the political connotations of the phrase "Mission Accomplished" doesn't fit in this story at all. It's just Jim Starlin shoving his own self into the story to make some kind of comment that he wants to make. Why would A-I even consider that? It might not even mean anything in this color timeline (Ebony? Magenta?)! And besides, "Mission Accomplished" only has negative connotations when you proclaim it with grand celebration while the mission continues on for another decade. If you actually have accomplished the mission, go ahead and fucking say it.

Meanwhile there is a short scene with a bunch of human maintenance people fucking around on board Skywatch while earning double pay. I don't know where they're ever going to spend it. Perhaps there's a place like Macross City in the middle of Skywatch. One of the Maintenance People is acting shifty and accessing panels he shouldn't be accessing. I bet he's a spy!

Before the issue ends with A-I telling Stormwatch that it's finally going to be really fucking honest with them about The Crayola Timelords, Stormwatch rushes out to collect Lobo.

Is "triple crapola" Lobo's new catchphrase?

Stormwatch #25 Rating: No change. I feel like this book should be more exciting than it is. The threats don't loom large. The battles don't scale well especially against Mordak and his men this issue. Stormwatch members just fall for nearly no explanation except that Mordak is really fucking powerful! He must be since Apollo is the most powerful foe he's fought and he still beat him easy. This title is simply missing any kind of lure. I really want to like it! I really want Lobo to be fun and cool and a big jerko. But it's just been disappointing lately.

My favorite moment? A-I telling Storm Control that they have to lie low so they can't save the natives on the island that Mordak has landed on and Storm Control merely shrugging his shoulders and saying, "You're running the show, A-I!" Although it makes me think A-I doesn't really understand Stormwatch if it actually thinks Stormwatch fucking cares about collateral damage.