Midnighter and Apollo #6

You know what question DC will never answer (probably because it's obvious and doesn't need to be answered)? Which one is the top.

The Review!
Well. I'm happy to say I was wrong on two counts: that DC wouldn't answer that question and which was the top.

Although I'm sure Midnighter is a versatile bottom.

Also, if you ever tell anybody I was wrong about anything involving comic books, I'll have you killed. The Grandmaster Comic Book Reader title doesn't mean I don't make the occasional mistake. It means I have a license to kill uppity back-talkers.

Then this happens!

Didn't they learn anything from their time in Hell?!

I think what Midnighter and Apollo learned in Hell was that nothing there has any power over them. They kicked every ass Hell could throw at them and survived. So that's how you survive Hell! If you're going to kill people in this life, you'd better learn to be the best killer of people you can be! Then when you wind up in Hell, you'll be better at killing than everybody else in the place. You'll fucking own that property! Although if Midnighter and Apollo really went to Hell because they fuck each other knowing full well that it won't produce a child then they'll still fucking own the place. Not only are they the most efficient killers in the world, they also enjoy some of Hell's major tortures!

Midnighter in Hell: "Oh no, demon with the humongous erection! Please don't fuck me in the ass until I ejaculate!"

Although maybe the devil is smarter than I'm giving him (or her!) credit for. Maybe Midnighter's Hell will be having to eat pussy.

Isn't it weird how one person's Hell is another person's Heaven? I wonder if it's possible to exchange identities with people in Hell. If so, I need to find a gay friend who looks sort of like me and also know they're going to Hell! We'll totally exchange identifications on the way in and get the "tortures" reserved for the other person! I should also find somebody who hates all the food I like, just in case one of the tortures of Hell is playing Spoons.

After it's all over (see that kiss? That was the end! After they escaped Hell! Did I forget to mention that? Now it's time for the denouement! Unless it's spelled differently which I don't think it is because Spell Check didn't underline the word. Maybe Spell Check doesn't know the word and is just too embarrassed to admit it doesn't know it so it decided not to underline it even though it's spelled wrong!), Midnighter and Apollo have dinner at Extraño's place.

I wonder if Gregario ever fucks Hugh in his pouch?

I admit it! I totally had to look up what a therian was! Even Spell Check doesn't know!

Before being interrupted, Apollo was telling a story about fighting a Red Lantern or something. I think that's to remind everybody that Midnighter owes Dex-Starr a rematch!

After that, Midnighter and Apollo fuck. But only in the reader's filthy imagination!

The Ranking!
No change! Other six issue mini-series at DC can learn a thing or two from this series. It utilized its entire six issues and told exactly that amount of story. Nobody pitched an idea for a story and then discovered the story could be told in two issues so then had to insert a bunch of bullshit that didn't matter into the other four issues. I may or may not be looking at Marv Wolfman's Raven and Marc Andreyko's Death of Hawkman. I mean, Death of Hawkman could have been one page and I would have happily purchased it! As long as that one page was what the title said it was. Anyway, this is how a six issue series should be written. If DC is going to demand six issue stories so they can be released in normal sized trades, fucking get the writers to write enough story for those six fucking issues, you dull-witted bastards.

Midnighter and Apollo #5

It doesn't look like the fight against Neron went too well for Midnighter.

• At the end of the last issue, Midnighter and Neron were about to fight over ownership of Apollo's soul. You'd think Apollo would have some say in that arrangement but forget him. He's in a bottle right now and people in bottles have no rights. Some people buying this issue might be thinking, "That cover is a fucking spoiler!" But to those people, I'd say, "Aha!" I'd begin with "Aha!" because that's how I begin all conversations with people. Coincidentally, I've been in conversations with at least six people who have immediately died of heart attacks. So, anyway, I'd say, "Aha! But comic book covers have never exactly been paragons of truth, have they? You can never trust the cover! This one shows Apollo getting ready to wrestle or get fucked, depending on if Neron's penis is out or not. And how many times have you seen a skeleton that just happens to be wearing the clothes of a friend you saw earlier that day? It's a common enough occurrence. And those dinosaur bones in the background are...well, I don't know why they are there. I guess all of the dinosaurs went to Hell because they didn't have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ."

• The issue begins reminding the readers that Gregario (Extraño) placed a powerful being inside of Midnighter before Midnighter went to Hell. The comic book didn't go into details about how this was done but you know how. With a thing that's bigger than a breadbox: a black candle. Also black magic. But Gregario doesn't state explicitly who this powerful being is that's now waiting inside of Midnighter to give Midnighter seven minutes of heaven in Hell. I hope it's Etrigan. Although it's probably not Etrigan. But I would love it if it were Etrigan.

• Back in Castle Epistolarious, Neron decides to point out all of Midnighter's disadvantages before the fight begins. Just so readers know exactly how Neron might stand a chance. Midnighter has no access to his fight computer in Hell. He has no enhancements. He has no healing. He's already terribly wounded from his fight with The Mawzir. But he's still willing to fight for Apollo's soul because he loooOOOooooOOoooves him.

• Meanwhile, Apollo is inside a soundproof bottle screaming, "I already beat Neron with a trick question, dum-dum! Don't fight him! Besides, you don't have a right to fight for my soul, you arrogant, big-dicked bastard!"

Midnighter is what happens when somebody asks the question, "Does Batman pop a boner when he punches criminals in the face?"

• Midnighter releases the being inside of him and it turns out to be...I don't know who. It looks like Pacific Islander OMAC.

• Apparently it's some kind of angel and it's power and energy and life-force is just propping up Midnighter so he can do the actual fighting. According to Gregario, it hurts like a motherfucker. I probably could have been more descriptive about the way it hurts but from my experience, nothing hurts more than a motherfucker. I mean, you hear it all the time so it must be true. Do motherfuckers really hurt more than kidney stones?

• Technically, I'm not a motherfucker. Never fucked a mother in my life.

Is this because they kill people or because they engage in sodomy? Because I have an issue with one of those.

• I'm not going to say which I have an issue with, killing or sodomy. I don't want to lose conservative readers by saying I'm against killing.

• I also don't want to loose semi-illiterate readers so that's why I just used "loose" instead of "lose."

• Midnighter beats the crap out of Neron but then collapses when his seven minutes of heaven are up. Luckily Neron remains unconscious while Midnighter recovers from the being leaving him.

• Apollo breaks out of his bottle to cradle Midnighter in his arms. It doesn't last long before Apollo disappears. Neron explains that he destroyed Apollo's soul before Midnighter got there and it was all a lie because everything is lies in Hell. Especially the thing about Apollo having lost his challenge to Neron and is now non-existent. That's the biggest lie of all! Obviously Apollo won the challenge and now Neron is bitter and angry and he's going to take it out on Midnighter.

• What actually happened is Neron set Apollo free after Midnighter won because Apollo won the challenge as to why he was called Apollo. So now Apollo has to rescue Midnighter! Damn forlorn lovers. Always being all forlorn and shit.

• Don't worry! Next issue is the final issue. Everything will almost assuredly and most probably with a definite persistence of likelihood work out fine!

The Ranking!
+1! Hopefully the final issue is ten pages of Neron being pound into a fine paste and ten pages of Apollo being pounded into a fine orgasm.

Midnighter and Apollo #4

I like small cocks and I cannot lie!

Currently Midnighter is in Hell to rescue Apollo and kill The Mawzir. If you're wondering who The Mawzir is, I'm never speaking to you again because you obviously didn't read Hitman. Thus you suck and aren't worth my time. I know that's awfully harsh and judgmental but we all need a system to organize our lives or we'll just go mad juggling it all.

But Midnighter has a problem: the Ace of Winchesters lies broken at The Mawzir's feet. It's the only gun that can kill The Mawzir. I probably don't have to explain that to you since you read Hitman. If you didn't read Hitman, what are you still doing here? This blog post will still be waiting for you when you get back. And it will seem less rude after you've read Hitman. You'll be all, "Yeah, Tess! I've read Hitman too! Love me! Love me! Be my daddy! Not in a kink way but in a quite real and literal way because I've never had an adult male figure who loved me unconditionally!"

Apollo is in the Castle Epicaricacius where Neron lives. That seems a bit pretentious, right? How big does a domicile have to be before you can name it? I don't mean calling your stupid family home "The Smith House" or "The House of Smiths" semi-jokingly to your bland and boring neighbors whom you sometimes visit for dinner and cocktails while concealing a quiet rage at their theft of your personal time.

Midnighter is in The Vascular Gardens which sound disgusting. The Mawzir currently has him at a disadvantage. I mean, The Mawzir thinks he has Midnighter at a disadvantage but when has Midnighter ever been at a disadvantage? Even if his fight computers aren't working right in Hell, he's still a bad-ass fuckmonster with one Ace of Winchester bullet. So what if he doesn't have a gun to propel it into The Mawzir's skull? I'm pretty sure he can figure out how to do that some other way. It might take longer and be way more painful and gory, but he'll think of something.

The Mawzir is wearing a cowboy hat to complete his gunslinger look. Also it hides the swastika on his forehead because kids today are way too fucking sensitive to see something like that.

The Mawzir is one of my all-time favorite villains for a number of reasons that I will explain in this essay. This essay will explain the reasons I like The Mawzir. I like The Mawzir because he is a gunslinger. Gunslingers are cool even though they are inherently violent. That is because guns are weapons used for violence. I know that people say that people kill people but often times they use guns which were made to kill things and not made to butter toast. That is not a criticism of guns like gun nuts are thinking it is and fuming at the face simply because I said it. It is just a fact. The next reason I like The Mawzir is because he looks cool. John McCrea kicked the shit out of his work when he created The Mawzir. He went to work that day and he said, "Work? I hope you like getting your shit kicked because I am in a shit-kicking mood, for sure!" Then he created The Mawzir to look cool. The third and final reason (because essays need three reasons before concluding) I like The Mawzir is his cool attitude. It is cool to have an attitude like The Mawzir's which is why I find him cool. In summary, The Mawzir, for these three reasons, is one of my all-time favorite villains.

While Midnighter battles The Mawzir, Apollo faces off against Neron. Neron is busy gay-shaming Apollo although he's pretending Apollo is in Hell for reasons like pride and murder and more murder. I guess Neron doesn't mind being an evil demon from Hell who tortures, kills, and maims for pleasure but he doesn't want people thinking he's homophobic.

Midnighter manages to headbutt the bullet through The Mawzir's head, killing it. Probably just killing it until it's next appearance, really. Because who at DC Comics can allow The Mawzir to be dead for good?! He's too great a character. Plus he's a demon from Hell who technically wasn't shot by the Ace of Winchesters so he can't actually be dead. It's in the rules! But for now, it's good enough to get the story moving.

Midnighter did manage to get shot while battling The Mawzir and his healing factor probably doesn't work too well in Hell. But he'll still probably rescue Apollo because I don't think this story was written to just leave Midnighter and Apollo trapped in Hell, especially when Warren Ellis is on the verge of rebooting the Wildstorm Universe.

This year for Halloween, I should go as The Mawzir. It's either that or Stephanie from Lazytown.

While Midnighter continues to earn my love and respect for being a cool bad-ass motherfucker, Apollo finally begins worming his way into my heart.

Self-confidence is such a huge turn on. Probably because we most love in others that which we love about ourselves. And I am one confident motherfucker. Some might say arrogant or pretentious or cunt. And maybe they're right! But what the fuck do I care?! I'm loaded with love for myself and nobody can bring me down! Except maybe my mother.

Oh shit. I just remembered I haven't called my mom back when she left a message wishing me a Happy Merry Christmas!

Apollo decides to play his own game with Neron. If Neron can answer the question of why Apollo really calls himself Apollo, Neron can have Apollo's soul. Otherwise, Neron must give Apollo back his powers and free him. Neron is the kind of guy who loves to give up all the power he has for a chance to show he has all the power. Overconfidence is such a turn off! It's a fine line from Bonerville to Flaccidtown! But usually overconfidence is confidence stemming from ignorance and bravado and the need to prove something to others. Self-confidence is not giving a fuck about the assholes around you and just living your own life no matter how shitty they are to you.

Neron, being a weird idiot, somehow thinks the answer to Apollo's question is that Apollo thinks he's earned the right to call himself a God. Fucking dum-dum! You've been saying that this whole time! Why would Apollo ask you why he calls himself that if the answer is the thing you've been spouting non-stop since Apollo entered Castle Epicurious?! Think before speaking, you vile Twitter Egg!

Midnighter follows the path to the Mansion of Happiness to discover Apollo in a large glass flask next to Neron on his throne. Whether Neron's answer to Apollo's question was correct or not has yet to be revealed. Obviously it wasn't correct! But Midnighter doesn't know what's going on yet. He doesn't realize yet that his lover has already saved himself. But Neron sees another possible way to keep Apollo. With Apollo sealed away and unable to tell Midnighter that he's free, Neron offers Midnighter yet another deal for Apollo's soul. A fight between him and Midnighter with Apollo's soul as the prize. Can Midnighter even make that deal? I suppose Hell doesn't care too much about ownership laws.

Midnighter is pumped up with Extraño's dark and super gay magic which he's ready to switch on so he can beat Neron to death. But that won't happen until the next issue which is too bad because I really want to see Neron be beaten to death. Constantine let him off too easy.

The Ranking!
+1 Ranking! The Mawzir may have died but that's a small price to pay for such a romantic book.

Midnighter and Apollo #3

I found the clitoris!

The Midnighter has discovered that Apollo is currently in Hell so now that's where he needs to go to rescue him. That's convenient because Midnighter was almost certainly already planning on visiting Hell to kill The Mawzir! Two birds and all that!

Recently, somewhere, I heard a person say, "Two stones, one bird." They meant it earnestly as if they were saying the actual saying instead of making it into a new saying that means the exact opposite of the saying they were going for.

The method Midnighter uses to go to Hell is the same one my mother assured me would send me there!

This reminds me of the jump rope counting song we used to sing: "If you can't handle the whole black candle, you won't be going to Hell! One inch, two inch, three inch, four! Five inch, six inch, take a little more!" Then you just count!

Some of you might be thinking, "What kind of fucked up kids use that as a jump rope rhyme?" You'd be forgiven for not knowing (or remembering) that I went to a Satanic Elementary School.

Meanwhile in Hell, Neron and Apollo enjoy a rousing game of "Mansion of Happiness." It's like an old timey version of the Game of Life except it doesn't try to teach kids that insurance is a good thing. Insurance is the worst! It's like placing bets on your own ill fortune. It's also a scam because without insurance, everything that any kind of insurance covers would cost far less than it actually does. Without insurance, you'd actually be able to save the money you use on insurance and pay for things insurance would have covered yourself! Maybe I'm exaggerating a bit here but there's a reason laws are made demanding everybody buy into the system. Also, insurance is a socialist idea that capitalists are trying to profit from. It's a way to force everybody who isn't unlucky to pay for the accidents which befall those klutzy, unlucky jerks reaping the windfall of all of our monthly payments! But guess what? We're all paying far too much on our premiums because we're not only paying to help cover other people's costs incurred by their bad luck, we also have to pay the salaries of all of the employees! And advertising! And other costs like toilet paper for the insurance company's offices! And you aren't even assured that your insurance will cover you when you have bad luck because they'll try their damnedest to prove that you don't deserve the pay out! Fuck you, The Game of Life, for normalizing insurance in the minds of squishy headed youngsters thinking they're just having a good time!

I've totally simplified insurance to make my point but you get it, right? It's a total scam! See? This paragraph totally backs up that last paragraph! Proof of concept!

If a stupid game can reveal hidden truths, then why aren't I a doctor with a wife and five kids who somehow discovered the Mona Lisa while driving along the turnpike?

Apollo is all, "No way, dude! It's not pride! It's sacrifice! Didn't you ever play Ultima IV?! You're using Lord Blackthorn's charts from Ultima V, dum-dum!"

On his next turn, Apollo lands on murder. The square is really cute and adorable with DC Comics Cain murdering DC Comics Abel with a farm implement. I grew up in the city so I can only call anything with a wooden handle with a metal bit on the end a "farm implement." I'm sure they all have different names but I've never needed to know them, so why learn them? Except for a hoe but that was only for the prostitute jokes.

Back on Earth, Midnighter is hunting for the Ace of Winchesters. I thought it was last given to the Lords of the Gun by Bendix for their help in killing Apollo but I could be mistaken because I read Issue #1 so long ago! Even if that was the case, I'm sure Midnighter will be able to track down the gun because he needs it to kill The Mawzir. He can't go to Hell just to rescue Apollo. He's got to do some serious killing and maiming while he's there or this series will just be a boring romance film.

Midnighter is able to locate a bullet for use with the Ace of Winchesters, so that might be enough. Or he's just going to have to fuck up the Lords of the Gun until they decide they'd rather not have every one of their internal organs torn out and then shoved back in by way of their anal sphincter anymore and just give up The Mawzir.

Apollo and Neron finish their game of "Mansion of Happiness" in much the same way all attempts to play The Game of Life end: in an argument. Neron shoves the board from the table and tells Apollo nobody ever beats him, probably because he never lets anybody finish, the sore loser. As that's taking place, Midnighter is getting his kill boner going on some minor demons of Hell. He's finally arrived and he's going to make sure he enjoys every minute of it.

Midnighter's first task is to hunt down the Lords of the Gun, take the Ace of Winchesters from them, load the gun, and kill The Mawzir, all while trying not to be killed by The Mawzir, presumably. But right from the beginning, everything goes tits up.

I hope one of Midnighter's skills is reforging rifles.

The Ranking!
No change! This whole Mawzir thing is just making me want to reread Hitman. I hope my Hitman comic books aren't in my mother's basement in California!

Midnighter and Apollo #2

White covers like this make me realize I really need to clean the glass on my scanner. Gross.

I have an irrational hatred of Jason Todd fans who reblog my more upbeat and positive commentaries on Scott Lobdell's Red Hood series. It portrays me as more reasonable and sensible and forgiving of Scott Lobdell's writing than I'd like to be portrayed. Please only reblog the ones where I discuss learning how to sew so that I can travel back in time and stitch up Lobdell's mother's vagina.

Hmm. You know what? Don't read that last paragraph. Or forget that you read it because even though the sentiment is "I wish Scott Lobdell had never been born," it comes across as misogynistic and violent towards women. Maybe reread it as me reading the Wikipedia article on performing castrations so I can go back in time and visit Scott Lobdell's grandfather. Then I'll just threaten him with castration if he doesn't sew up his daughter's vagina. With my luck, I'll probably accidentally visit his father's father which won't change anything I wanted changed at all!

You know what? Don't read that second paragraph either! This has really started out in a dark and disgusting place. Even I'm embarrassed for myself! Not because I wrote it but because my sense of pride won't allow me to delete it. All of my words, no matter how ugly and deformed and malicious, are my babies! I can't destroy them! This is why writers need editors. Because editors are cold-blooded assholes with a wicked grin, bloodlust in their eyes, and drying baby word blood all over their boot heels. Fucking monsters!

The moral of the story is that Jason Todd is a terrible character. Although I will admit he's more entertaining than Tim Drake.

At the end of the last issue, Bendix set a trap to lock Midnighter in a bunker with him where Midnighter wouldn't be able to save Apollo from being sent to hell by the Mawzir. In the months since I read that issue, I've often woken up in a cold sweat and thought, "Stop writing about sewing up women's vaginas! Giving birth to Lobdellian monsters isn't their fault!" No wait. What I wake up thinking is, "How does Bendix think he's going to survive after having Apollo killed? What is left to keep Midnighter from dismantling Bendix one cell at a time?" Then I jerk off into a sock to get ready for my day.

It almost feels like I'm writing this commentary to purposefully drive away people who found my blog thanks to Gail Simone! I don't think I am! I mean, I think I might be! But not the on purpose part! You know how people say "The heart wants what the heart wants"? I hate those people. I mean, I should say also, "The brain wants what the brain wants." And if you sit down in front of a keyboard and just let your thoughts spill out of you without any filter, sometimes you're going to say things that are funny, and sometimes you're going to say things that even Hitler probably would think twice about saying. And you know Hitler, right? He was apparently the worst person in the world. Although we might have to re-calibrate that now that Twitter exists. Some people are truly terrible and not pretend terrible like I've totally pretending to have been earlier in this commentary. Right?

Did you buy that? Maybe I should just say for the record, since it might have been called into question by this point, I'm totally and completely against sewing vaginas shut. I'm not even sure how vaginas work or if that could stop a woman from having a baby. All I know about the female anatomy is a riddle I was asked in fifth grade that I didn't understand for years: Why can't the Go-Gos have babies? Because their lips are sealed.

For a nerdy Lobot motherfucker, Bendix isn't as smart as I would have thought he was programmed to be.

The gauntlet that Midnighter must run to escape from the Bendix's Samoan Bunker (that sounds like a dessert I might one day invent) consists of a swarm of eagles with lasers on their heads, a screaming holograph of Thomas Jefferson that shoots eyeball lasers, GI Robot, a hail of throwing stars and arrows, vanilla pudding dropped from the ceiling like boiling oil, and a pit full of hungry babies. Midnighter manages to get through it all in time to stop Mawzir from shooting Apollo in the head. But I still think he's too late because the cover of the third issue shows Midnighter at the gates of Hell.

The Mawzir flees from Midnighter for some reason. Maybe because Midnighter reminds him too much of Tommy Monaghan. Or maybe The Mawzir is just smarter than me and knows when it's gone too far. Not that I've ever gone too far! Pshaw!

Oh! I've got an aside. Don't worry, it isn't about how truly stupid Donald Trump is. It's about the other Republicans in our government! Hey, Republican voters? I'm a big time liberal pinktard (is that what you call us?) and I don't totally disagree with some of Republican policies. I mean, I disagree with all of them currently (and probably have sense they decided governing should be closely related to elementary school recess interactions without an adult supervising (as I perceive it, that was sometime in the 90s after Clinton was elected and they were all butthurt that they weren't in control of filling their pockets with corporate and lobbyist money)). What I'm suggesting, Republican voters, is fucking do something about the people you want representing you. They're all selfish assholes who only care about maintaining their position of power and easy income. They don't fucking care about anybody and Trump is the best example of these monsters you've decided are somehow representative of the white working class (they're not. I'm fucking white working class and I would never agree with anything any of these current load of smegma-smelling idiots ever). Oh, I guess this was a little bit about Trump.

Shit. I just realized that off-topic paragraph was probably a waste of time. This is a comic book about two gay dudes! Why would a Republican be reading it?!

Stop fucking the bullet wound and get him to a hospital, you sicko perv!

Midnighter decides to put Apollo in a room pumping in solar energy to try to bring him back to life. I really hope that we don't have to put up with an Apollo Boy and a Cyborg Apollo and Apollo Steel followed by Red and Blue Electric Powered Apollo! I don't know if I could go through that again and I didn't even really pay attention to it the first time.

When the infusion of solar radiation doesn't seem to be working, Midnighter visits some guy named Extraño to find out where Apollo's soul went. It's so fucking obvious he went to Hell. You know why I think that. You know. I mentioned earlier how I've already seen the cover to Issue #3.

Midnighter discovers Apollo is in Hell being tortured by Neron. Uh oh. Apollo is in for a terrible time. Not because he's in Hell! But because shit rolls downhill and Neron has just recently been shat all over by Constantine. He's definitely looking to make somebody else's life crazy miserable. And by life, I guess I mean death?

Midnighter decides he's going to go save Apollo. Do you think he already knows how this ends? I do and he'd better not fucking look back on the way out!

The Ranking!
+1 Ranking! Reading well-written Midnighter stories makes me happy. It's like reading Batman stories but where Batman doesn't have a huge stick up his ass. Instead he has a huge dick up his ass! Har har! That joke was entirely too immature even for this blog because I really meant the thing about Midnighter being like Batman minus the stick up his ass. Comparing it to another thing that happened to me today — finding a used sanitary napkin on top of my work clothes — I'd say this is the best comic book I've ever read in my entire life! Also enjoyable today: using the term "sanitary napkin"! Now I'm picturing a vagina dabbing daintily at its ketchup-stained lips after removing the hot dog from its orifice. At a picnic, of course!

Midnighter and Apollo #1

Why did they add the "and"?! If a comic book finally deserved to have "love" added between the names of the title characters, it's probably this one!

The Commentary!
Apparently there's a professional wrestling event being televised right now but I wasn't really in the mood for something so homoerotic. So instead I'll read this!

But first, a word from DC's sponsor!

I hope this isn't targeted at gay people because it's giving me a boner.

At one point, I was a fan of Apollo and Midnighter. But ever since they broke up and Midnighter moved on, I've realized they're better off apart. Mostly because Apollo is a super boring loser. I suppose that makes sense because he was meant to be Hyper-Superman and Superman is a regular boring loser. But Batman is super ultra cool which makes Midnighter mega super duper ultra cool! And I just don't think it's fair to Midnighter to be shackled to a boring prig. Also Apollo is blond and uck! Midnighter needs a swarthy, dark-haired, probably musky fellow with an indeterminate accent! Or Dick Grayson. Anyway, I'm sorry to say, Apollo, you're just not good enough for Midnighter anymore. I hope this series ends with your death.

This issue begins with Midnighter confronting some Los Angeles subway pirates. Now I wish subway pirates were a real thing. And I don't mean a real thing as in a Craigslist ad for a flash mob calling for people dressed as pirates to invade a subway at a specific time and place. I want a real gang of terrible people swarming all over subway cars in search of booty.

Midnighter is after the subway pirates because they've kidnapped a bunch of children to fuel the God Train. The God Train is a giant humanoid made out of subway cars. It's like an inner city Voltron. It's also a bit like the shitty knock-off robot toy your grandmother buys you for your birthday when you ask for Optimus Prime. And even though the disappointment breaks your heart as you open the present and see shit where glory should have been, you can't even complain about it because your grandmother is sitting there with a huge grin across her face convinced that she got you exactly what you wanted. Stupid old biddy.

After the children are saved and the Train God deconstructed, Midnighter and Apollo have dinner with Tony and Marina. Tony is Midnighter's heterosexual friend who owns a bar and Marina is Midnighter's Penny One except he calls her Asset 14. Unless those things are wrong and I'm misremembering the Midnighter series. You would think writing about the books as I read them would help me remember them. But I think it's the opposite. I think I get so involved in the things I'm writing, I don't pay as close attention to the book as I should. Plus I lie a lot about what actually happened in the comic book and later can only remember the lie.

After dinner, Midnighter and Apollo do whatever it is gay guys do when they're dating. Fall sleep on the couch watching Seven Brides for Seven Brothers?

Or whatever this is!

After Coitus Broadway Musicalis, Apollo and Midnighter have one of those discussions I'm really getting tired of. It's that one where one hero says, "Killing is bad!" And then the other hero says, "Killing is good!" Why does it have to be one or the other? Midnighter says, "Some people just need to be killed." And I think that gets to the heart of it, even though when Midnighter says "some," he actually means "all." The issue shouldn't be that a hero should never kill a bad guy. Sometimes, a supervillain should be killed! Especially when the asshole has returned for the sixty-fifth time in three years and has murdered bunches of people upon each return. I can forgive certain characters for not killing, like Batman and Superman. Superman never needs to because he's all powerful. Batman never needs to because he'll get a taste for how easy it is and the next thing you know, the only punishment for breaking a law in Gotham will be death by Batman. Which is kind of the way it goes with Midnighter. He did kill an awful lot of Subway Pirates, many of whom probably just liked dressing up as pirates and hanging out on the subway and knew nothing of the kidnapped children. Although I'm not going to cry over a bunch of corpses of people who liked dressing up as pirates in public. Good riddance!

Meanwhile in Gotham's Oblivion Bar, Henry Bendix is searching for somebody to destroy Apollo and Midnighter. The only person--er, people--um, demons?--willing to take him up on the offer are the Lords of the Gun. For payment, Bendix gives them the Ace of Winchesters, the only weapon able to destroy them. The last time I saw this gun was in Hitman during the "Ace of Killers" story! Has it taken the Lords of the Gun all this time to get the weapon back to hell?

Bendix is just engaging in self-preservation since Midnighter is currently looking for him. And as noted earlier, Midnighter doesn't seek out villains just to let a court decide their fate. And when Midnighter finally finds Bendix in his hidey-hole, Bendix is waiting to trap Midnighter. He locks Midnighter in the bunker with him while the Mawzir attacks Apollo and Opal City.

I see the Mawzir dropped the swastika from his forehead!

Apollo cannot escape the power of Mawzir's bullets and finds himself in Hell after being shot. So this series is going to be Midnighter versus all Hell? I've got ten bucks on Midnighter!

The Ranking!
+2! Heck, I should bump that up to +3 just for having Mawzir and the Lords of the Gun as guest stars! I talk about how poorly I remember comic books (I just did it right here in this commentary!) but I have to admit there are a few exceptions. Hitman is one of them. Oh! Maybe Midnighter will rescue Tommy Monoghan who is surely in Hell, right?! RIGHT, DC COMICS?!

Oh! And also? Apollo died just like I wished! Ha ha!

Midnighter #12

I hope not! Midnighter for president!

The Review or Whatever!
Abraham Lincoln once said, "What we've got here is a failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach-around. So you get what we got where you get what you thought you were getting but got what we got here last night. I don't like mint any more than you do." That's how I feel right now!

Not surprisingly, this issue is called "Midnighter". Did Steve Orlando just win a bet with somebody about how many issues in a row he could use the same title for his comic book?

It's that time of month, ladies and gentlemen! Hmm. Who thought up calling men "gentlemen"?! That makes it sound like we're all terrible and we have to distinguish between men who have raised themselves above their base nature so that they can manage to behave in mixed groups? Oh, yeah. That totally makes sense.

Anyway, it's that time of the month! The time when I get to read a comic book that I love reading! Yay! Don't listen to the haters that don't like the Midnighter comic book because it makes their hetero parts feel all icky inside! I'm hetero and I love Midnighter (in a totally gay way). I also realize it's not cool to proclaim that you're hetero. I should at least leave a little wiggle room in there to suggest that there's a chance I might want to stick a big fat veiny penis into my mouth. That's weird. Is your mouth watering? Why did my mouth start watering?

Recently in this big fat veiny comic book, Amanda Waller thought it might be a good idea to deal with the devil. The devil in this case is Henry Bendix and his idea to make America great again is to have it stomp to death any country that so much as rolls an eye at democracy! Now his Supermanesque creation, The Unified, is smashing Modora to pieces and killing everybody in its borders because it offended the United States. Maybe Modorans also attacked the United States as well. Remember how a group of them ruined Midnighter's date earlier? And then they attacked a carnival in Coast City? Well, you can't do that to America and believe that your country's infrastructure and civilians will be left in peace! Holy fuck! Haven't the Modorans been paying attention?! Don't fucking piss off America, dude!

Although, to be fair to America (for some reason), it really is just Henry Bendix who currently feels this way. He's kind of more a super-villain than a good guy in the way Donald Trump is. Except he's intelligent. And Henry looks more human, even with the robot shit on the sides of his head.

Since Henry Bendix is being a dick, Amanda Waller breaks his neck. I'm sure he'll be okay! She then tells the Suicide Squad to work with Midnighter, Apollo, and Spyral to defeat The Unified. The only problem is one of her new Squad is Multiplex and his only goal in life is to kill Midnighter. It was his birthday gift to Midnighter and Midnighter loves it!

The Unified decides to give a little speech as he murders civilians.

Ouch! I think The Unified just hurt his own American feelings, and maybe possibly just justified 9/11.

Apollo begins beating up The Unified because that's the correct match-up. I know Midnighter's name is on the cover and he's a complete bad-ass who can probably defeat anybody in the DC Youniverse (except Batman) but The Unified is more up Apollo's alley (not an anal sex joke). Although Apollo respects the name on the cover and only maims The Unified before dropping him back into the battle to be killed by Midnighter.

Meanwhile, Henry Bendix quickly recovers from his broken neck and escapes. Nice job, Amanda! Now that asshole is going to be loose in the Afterbirth Universe!

So anyway, Midnighter blows up The Unified's head and saves Modora. Helena thanks him and Apollo stands around shirtless. The End! Except for the epilogues.

Epilogue One: Midnighter tells Whats-her-name in the God Garden to get off his back.

Epilogue Two: Midnighter finishes his tell-all interview.

Epilogue Three: Amanda Waller sticks a hot dog down her throat. Um, also she kind of makes nice with Midnighter. I guess he's going to be on call for a lot of shady groups! You know, if they're doing the right thing, that is.

Epilogue Four: Midnighter gets a drink at Jason's bar.

Epilogue Five: Apollo and Midnighter get back together. With kisses and doing-its and everything! Now it's the end! It's a good ending but also a bad ending because this has been one of my favorite comic books and consistently good every month. Now what? I have to write Midnighter fanfic?

Midnighter #11

Yay Apollo! Now Issue #12's cover had better be Jenny Quantum eating a street burrito while Jack Hawksmoor fucks a manhole cover or I'm going to be pissed.

The Review
If you've been waiting to see Midnighter sitting naked in Apollo's bed while they kiss, you'll have to wait for another issue. But if you've been waiting to see Midnighter sitting naked in Apollo's bed while they almost kiss, start masturbating now because it's on! I probably shouldn't have revealed that in the review section and I most certainly shouldn't reveal that I've scanned that page later in the commentary section so you don't even have to buy the issue to rub one out to it. You probably should though. Because Midnighter has been one of the best comic books DC has put out since The New 52 began and it needs to make DC money so that DC can listen to their accountant when he pushes up his taped up glasses and says, "That book with the gay superhero made us buttloads of money!" Then the Shadow Cabinet in charge of DC Comics will discuss what that means and determine that what people would really pay money for is a gay Batman. Now, I know some of you have just read that and thought to yourselves, "But Midnighter is gay Batman!" Well, duh! But only on a figurative level! The Shadow Cabinet that controls all of DC's moves and marketing meant their statement literally! So look for Bruce Wayne to be gay in Batman Rebirth if my assessment of the situation is accurate. It probably is because I am a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader.

The Commentary
The last issue ended with Midnighter obviously dying. He died so obviously that it was practically on-panel and if he isn't dead when this issue begins, I'll be really angry about what an unrealistic turn this comic book has suddenly taken. I might even think to myself, "Well, you did just point out that it was only practically on-panel so he may not have even been on the ship when it exploded. Plus there are at least a dozen ways already written for getting out of many cliffhangers. Of course they all revolve around the action suddenly being different than it was in the previous scene. But good old Steve Orlando wouldn't pull any of that shit on his lovely readers, would he? I wish I had some carrot cake right now." I probably could have ended that fantasy before the carrot cake but then I would have been leaving out the best bit.

But the most obvious answer is right on the cover. Somehow Apollo saved Midnighter from certain death. Maybe he desperately needed some dick and he just happened to be making a booty call when the ship blew up. Or maybe it was something far less juvenile. My brain only has the one setting.

It turns out Midnighter gave Apollo a framed photo of his younger self which was also an emergency booty call line. If Midnighter wasn't riddled with bullets, he might be able to play the whole thing off as some sorely needed ex-sex. But I think Midnighter is just going to have to eat crow on this one and be honest about how he just needed Apollo for his heroics as opposed to his hero dick.

I hope it gets romantic from here on out!

Thinkfast is an idiot. Why does a gunman need to touch the hammer on a semi-automatic rifle? Also that might be a real question that somebody could answer because I'm also an idiot who really knows nothing about guns. Although I do know that I was excited to see Jonah Hex will be on next week's Legends of Tomorrow!

Amanda Waller and Henry Bendix have everything they need to create their version of Superman. His name is Unified and he's the son Apollo and Midnighter would have had if that were biologically possible. Speaking of Apollo and Midnighter's child, where has Jenny Quantum been? I would think Midnighter would have kept in touch.

Midnighter's thoughts couldn't be further from a little girl he once thought of as a daughter as he sits naked in Apollo's bed saying all of the things that will lead to a rigorous bout of fucking. His fight computer is also a foreplay computer, remember! I say "remember" like that's canon revealed in a previous issue and not what it really is: just a thing we all know is true.

How cute. Apollo has a Superman mug.

Henry Bendix informs Amanda that Midnighter is still alive and that it's a good thing. Because now Henry can hone in on Midnighter to open teleport doors so the Suicide Squad can attack Spyral. Since The New 52 began, members of the Suicide Squad don't die. Some almost died early on but Amanda had a formula to resurrect them. Eventually some of them blew up due to using the formula too much but that's been about it on the death front. I think the name suicide in Suicide Squad is meant to be ironic now. Although they've got a new guy on the team who Midnighter can't stand, so I have a feeling Thinkfast! will die this issue. Poor Thinkfast! We hardly knew you. Or your actual name.

Helena takes down Captain Boomerang and Midnighter pierces Parasite's heart with a harpoon. But he'll be okay because he still has Midnighter's healing powers. Not that Midnighter would care if Parasite died. I just mention that so nobody thinks somebody other than Thinkfast! is actually going to die this issue.

Why do people with death wishes keep joining Task Force X? As I've pointed out, nobody ever dies! They're never going to get their wish! Even stupid Thinkfast!

Thinkfast! should get a sidekick named Hertz Donut.

The Unified is up and running and Henry Bendix sends it to Modora to teach them a lesson. Good thing the DC Youniverse has so many little countries that have no innocents living there and can't really be categorized as any actual race in the real world. Or, you know, it might look bad! Modora is just full of sort of white guy terrorists from one of those tiny Eastern European areas where all the jerks decided to live.

Apollo and Midnighter meet Henry, Amanda, The Unified, and the Suicide Squad in Modora for a good old fashioned final issue beatdown. I have no idea if the next issue will be the final issue or not because I'm too lazy to figure out when Rebirth begins.

Midnighter #10

This is going to be an analogy about sucking cock, right?

Whenever anybody begins any sentence with "Even as a kid...", I know I'm talking to one of the most boring fucks alive. Because you know that sentence is going to end with explaining to me how mature and adult their thought process was when they were young. Who wants to brag about that?! "Even as a kid, I had a huge fucking stick up my ass and couldn't completely lose myself in nonsense and whimsy." Some of you might be thinking, "Tess, what does this have to do with Midnighter?" Others of you might be thinking, "Welcome back, Tess! We've missed you!" You see, I've made a decision. I'm probably going to write a lot more of these than I have been but not as many as I used to. If I'm feeling in the mood, I'll possibly write one per day until the end of the comic book week and then I'll finish up the stack with short reviews. If I'm not in the mood, I'm not going to fucking worry about how huge my stack of comics are and just write other shit I want to write. I'm also going to masturbate more to the sound of women masturbating. Oh. You know what. Forget that last part. That was probably too much information.

It's sentences like that one about masturbation that keep me from getting advertising on this site! So click the Donate button and help a brother buy some female masturbation porn.

When last issue ended, Midnighter was getting his ass kicked by some guy named Thinkfast! or Monday Morning Quarterback. Or something. It was an exciting fight because Midnighter was all, "I can see what you're going to do before you even do it!" And Thinkfast! was all, "I already saw that you saw what I was going to do and decided to do something that you didn't know I was going to do!" And Midnighter was all, "Ouch!" Thinkfast! was a new member of the Suicide Squad who were after Midnighter because he took that thing they were trying to take which was some pistol that shoots demons.

Midnighter's buddy (I hate to use the term "buddy" if he's Midnighter's boyfriend but I can't remember their relationship so "buddy" will have to do) has been left at the scene to chastise Helena Bertinelli when she shows up.

I hate when other people try to manipulate me! And I'm, um, conveniently blind when I manipulate others.

Midnighter is allowing himself to be held by Amanda Waller while he finds out what she wants from him. Amanda needs to remember that no comic book exists called "Amanda Waller" and so she's always going to be the one being fed her own asshole by the person who does have their name on the cover of a comic book. I suppose "Suicide Squad" is technically her book where she gets to prepare and serve other people's assholes but only occasionally. Often she has to watch as Deadshot or Harley fry her asshole up in a pan until it's medium rare and then serve it with a little garnish and some mashed potatoes.

Here we see Amanda Waller taking the opportunity to practice serving up asshole. She's excellent at it!

Amanda threatens Midnighter for a bit before he escapes his bonds and begins killing her guards. She leaves the room with a smile so it's possible Amanda wanted this to happen. That's the problem with a sneaky git like Waller! She's better than Bertinelli--Hell! She's better than Batman!--at manipulating the people around her. Hopefully before Midnighter escapes Belle Reve, Deadshot will catch up with him for that dick measuring thing.

Midnighter escapes using a Squad ship which is able to track down the Suicide Squad who are currently moving Henry Bendix to a safer location. Bendix is just as big a jerk in the DC Youniverse as he was in the old universe whose name I forgot. Just DC Universe, maybe? So while Amanda wants to keep him safe so they can work together on a project to enslave humanity, the Suicide Squad might not care enough about his safety to risk getting murdered by Midnighter. Although according to the cover, Parasite won't be able to resist snacking on Midnighter.

Best panel since The New 52 began or best panel ever?

I was exaggerating in that last caption. I didn't actually mean that was the best moment in DC Comics over the last four years. I just meant it was a fucking good moment. But then I realized that declaring something the best on the internet is just asking for a bunch of people to start telling me the actual best moments (all different) and who the fuck wants to hear a bunch of people with awful opinions tell me things that aren't even close to being true?

Although if people wanted to point out some of their favorite moments, I wouldn't totally dismiss them outside of my own private thoughts.

Midnighter dodges a bunch of bullets before he finds the one bullet that will hit him in a spot that will fool Lawton into thinking he's dropped Midnighter but which won't actually hurt that badly. Then when Deadshot closes in on Midnighter instead of shooting him from a distance because Deadshot is apparently stupid, Midnighter crushes Lawton's hands. Too bad for Midnighter, Parasite has begun siphoning away Midnighter's healing powers. Although too bad for everybody who isn't Midnighter, Midnighter never loses. So this whole bit where the Squad suddenly has the upper hand? That'll be over in a few pages. Unless this is the shocking cliffhanger ending! And then we'll just have to wait another month before Midnighter defeats everybody and fucks the prince.

Turns out this is the cliffhanger ending! Midnighter is thrown unconscious onto the ship he flew in on and shot up into the sky where Harley triggers it to self-destruct. Maybe this wasn't a cliffhanger ending at all! Maybe this was just an ending! How come cliffhanger endings never end poorly? Is the hero coming out of it alive a necessary part of the cliffhanger? Would this still be a cliffhanger if next issue was just twenty pages of debris and pieces of Midnighter raining down over the city?

Midnighter #10 Rating: +1 Ranking. Why isn't this book surviving the Rebirth? Why do people hate Midnighter? Especially when he's written this well? Especially when he's having exciting adventures? Especially when his sexuality is being treated with dignity? It's also possible that DC screws all of its minor characters by concentrating on Superman and Batman which creates a fan base that only likes Superman and Batman and doesn't buy anything without those characters in it thus forcing DC to concentrate even more on just Superman and Batman. Maybe DC plans on making Midnighter the main star of Action Comics!

Midnighter #9

Harley and Deadshot didn't do any of this! But I guess a cover with a new guy named Afterthought wouldn't really sell extra copies, would it?

Midnighter #9 Rating: No change.

Midnighter doesn't do anything gay this issue. I mean, he eats and hangs out with friends and does his job which are things gay people do. So I guess everything he did in this issue was gay. I stand corrected by myself.

This issue introduces Henry Bendix to the DC You. Unless he was already introduced in The New 52 Stormwatch and I forgot about it. But then wouldn't everybody have forgotten about it thanks to the Crayola Timelords?

This issue also introduces Afterthought who might have the dumbest name in the DC Youniverse. It's Bloodlines bad! Since his power is basically the ability to outdo Midnighter's power, I would have called him Nooner. Totally more appropriate because his power is screwing Midnighter.

Harley Quinn and Deadshot make an appearance. I hope they get kickbacks on the extra cash a title makes whenever they appear on the cover. Especially Harley. I'm not sure Deadshot has that kind of star power.

Amanda Waller is still skinny.

Midnighter #8

All the cool kids are working with Spyral these days.

Rating: +2 Ranking. I challenge any comic book writer to put this much character work in a one shot story about a character's downtime in any length story they tell with guest stars and variant covers and Bat-Connections. Midnighter has just been through hell with the betrayal of a man he loved. He's not sure about the connections he's made. He's not sure how to go about trusting people. For the first time in a long time, he's doubting his ability to know every move before it's made. And yet here he is getting on with life, making new friends, building up current relationships, and turning a new traitorous situation into an opportunity. Oh, and did I mention this issue guest stars B'wana Beast?

I don't know what kind of magical writing juice you've consumed, Steve Orlando, but keep at. The way you're going on this book, Midnighter will soon eclipse Batman and Batman will become the satiric take on Midnighter. He may be a killer but he's standing up for the oppressed, hurt, and victimized while Batman obsesses over The Joker's identity. Make mine Midnighter!

Stan Lee can't sue me for saying that, can he?

Midnighter #7

He can't be having the fight of his life in issue seven! Why bother buying any more if they're all going to be less exciting?

The cover probably means "the fight of his life up until this moment" even if it doesn't say that. But that's also trouble in the comic book world because that means the next fight will have to be even bigger and scarier and more life threatening or fans are going to be disappointed! If I were designing the covers of comic books, I would say stuff like "This is a pretty exciting fight but it could probably be better!" and "Midnighter fights a fight!" I wouldn't want anyone reading this book only to think, "I've previously read a fight of Midnighter's that was way more of his life than this!"

The fight mentioned by the cover is against Prometheus, Midnighter's boyfriend. Or probably ex-boyfriend at this point. You might remember Prometheus from such classic tales as "Rock of Ages" or "Prometheus Unbound" and--odds are being that this is a comic book--probably one called "Past Tense," "Future Imperfect," or "Gorilla Warfare."

This issue is called "Prometheus" which is bad news for Midnighter because 80% of the previous issues were called "Midnighter."

Prometheus tells Midnighter his origin story which is a twisted reflection of Batman's origin. Parents gunned down but by the police instead of a mugger. Inherited a lot of crime money and underworld influence instead of less criminal money (depending on how strong your views that capitalism is crime) and societal influence. Prometheus traveled the world to learn everything he could to accomplish his quest to destroy justice just as Bruce Wayne...well, I'm certain you're familiar with that story.

Oh! Oh! I bet his mind programmed their weaknesses too! Like how Batman is...um...he...what is Batman's weakness? Pussy?

That caption was vulgar but it was also a Catwoman joke. If you realized it was a Catwoman joke, you're among friends here! If you were angry at the vulgarity hinting at possible (probable?!) misogyny then you might need to recalibrate the way you view things while reading my commentaries. I'm not as gross as disgusting as you might first think! Sometimes I'm fairly clever! Like how I called Catwoman "pussy"!

I've told this story before but I've written so much bullshit, you might have missed it the first time! When I was a little kid (in single digits, probably!), my cousin Jerry who was four years older than me had Steve Martin's Wild and Crazy Guy album. We used to listen to it in the family room at my grandparents' house while my Grandmother puttered around the kitchen or dining room which connected to the family room. At one point, Steve Martin says, "My girlfriend has the best pussy!" And then he acts disgusted by the crowd's reaction and says, "I was talking about her cat!" I used to laugh hilariously at this bit without ever knowing that pussy meant anything but cat. So, yes, I didn't get the joke and I was still laughing at it. But then Steve Martin is a funny guy! I sometimes wish that I'd asked my grandmother what she thought of that. She never said anything or chastised us which I think was the exactly appropriate reaction. If she had said something about how we shouldn't be listening to it or that it's disgusting, I would have worked out what it was and a little bit of innocence would have died. Instead she let us be kids by realizing we didn't fucking know any better!

If you're skeptical about a small child figuring out what pussy meant simply because a parent might tell him it's gross, listen to this story! In second grade, our class designed paper airplanes and went out to the playground to fly them. Mine kept crashing immediately and so I said, "My plane sucks the big one!" Who knows why I knew that phrase but I did! And my teacher, Ms. Marshall, was shocked! She scolded me for using inappropriate language and made me sit on the bench while the other kids flew their planes. I spent that time putting together what "sucked the big one" could possibly mean. Well, it didn't take long to figure it out. Which also led me to ask my older cousin questions like "People suck those things?! What for?!"

Midnighter fights back and gets the upper hand. It's a good thing there was a full month between the end of the last issue and the beginning of this one so I can forget exactly how beat up Midnighter was. At this point, it seems reasonable that he's in great condition and full strength!

Prometheus decides to debate while fighting because that must be one of the fighting styles of the thirty people he's gone up against. Definitely not Batman though because Batman just says things like "TT" and "hurr". It's probably a villain since they can never shut the fuck up while fighting. As, you know, Prometheus is demonstrating right now.

I don't think Midnighter kills to punish people for killing. I think he both simply likes killing and also likes making innocent victims feel better by learning that the assholes who hurt them got what was coming to them, Midnighter style.

Midnighter shoves a doorknob into Prometheus at one point (not like that, you pervert) simply so he can shout "Door!" He's planning something with his portal technology! Maybe he already opened a tiny door in Prometheus's small intestine and it's leaking shit all up inside Prometheus's chest cavity now! He's making him literally full of shit since he's obviously so figuratively full of it!

Dammit. Now I want that to be what's going on.

Hey dum-dum! You don't think the God Garden has the technology to recover memories from disembodied brains?!

Midnighter smashes Prometheus's skull and turns to walk away. That's when Prometheus pulls out his precious Cosmic Key and teleports to safety. Hmph. Some fight of his life! I mean, it was a fight, sure! But Midnighter was never in any danger! Except maybe of being bored to tears by Prometheus's lousy philosophical arguments!

Later in Oakland, Midnighter's friend Jason gives him the good friend break-up speech. "It's not your fault! They were an asshole! Don't waste your time on garbage like that!" I usually like to give that speech to my friends when they're still super excited about their new relationship! Mostly so I can say "I told you so!" when they inevitably breakup! It was also my Best Man's speech at Doom Bunny's wedding! It might not have been the most appropriate toast I've given.

Oh yeah! In the ruins of the house Prometheus built just to kill Midnighter inside of, Midnighter found an old picture of himself as a young kid. He took it with him because he had a cute plan for it.

That's so sweet! Or is it creepy? Inappropriate, maybe?!

Meanwhile Deadshot raids a Spyral location to recover something called The Perdition Pistol. It may or may not be the thing that shot the Body Snatcher Bullets in the Midnighter Sneak Peek. It probably isn't but I thought I'd remind everybody that I remember things. Sometimes. Deadshot kills a lot of people so it looks like, at least in this comic book, he's back up to snuff. Or whatever.

Midnighter #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book just keeps getting better even though there wasn't any gay sex in this issue. At least, I don't think there was any gay sex in it. Having never had sex--I mean, gay sex, of course!--I wouldn't know it if I saw it! The closest I ever came was when this guy Michael leaned over me topless and asked, "Have you ever been with a man?" I said, "No." He responded with, "Do you want to be?" That's when my life completely changed! I mean, obviously if I had said yes, my life would have been totally different. So when I said no, my life completely changed from the one where I could have been having loads more sex than I'm having now! Stupid un-experimental younger me! Um, buy Midnighter! It's gay-reat! Was that patronizing? I didn't mean for it to come off that way! In my next review of Grayson, I'll end with "He's gre-straight!" That'll make up for my insensitivity!

Midnighter #6

Midnighter can't outthink sentient, stretchy microchips. Although it does look like he's going to try to blow them.

I'm sorry, homosexual community. I should stop making everything about sex just because the main character of this comic book is a gay male. Although I also make everything about sex when the character is a heterosexual alien female with gold skin as well. So maybe I should apologize to gay males and slutty aliens. As an aside, I put no moral judgments on the term "slutty". It's just a descriptor! If anything, I love slutty women! I would love to be considered a slutty man but I think you have to have loads of sex with lots of people and not just tons of sex with yourself to be considered slutty. I also make everything about sex when the character is Dick Grayson but that's only natural, right? You can't not think about sex when you're reading a comic book sporting a major boner. Not because I'm gay! I don't want anybody thinking I'm cockteasing the gay community by pretending to be gay! It's just that I know every female character dealing with Dick Grayson is going to have engorged and tender lady parts because he's so charming and handsome. I wish I was like that! But all the women who meet me merely wind up with freshly salted snail slugs in their underwear.

Last issue ended with Multiplex about to do something incredibly stupid. That something was attacking Midnighter. I'm sure Multiplex thought he was doing something clever by flying a military attack helicopter outside of Midnighter's apartment window on Thanksgiving because that sounds like a fairly sound plan to kill whomever you want dead. But Multiplex really should have discussed this plan with somebody other than other versions of himself because they wouldn't have simply said "No, no! That's a great plan, Me!" and "Terrific idea, Me old chum!" and "Fantastic! He'll be deader than a Christmas Goose!" and "It's just Thanksgiving now, Me. Do you think we can keep the Christmas talk until December?"

Hopefully the person flying the helicopter really is Multiplex or I'm going to wind up looking like a simple Master Comic Book Reader.

Midnighter's boyfriend realizes they're under attack by a gunship so he hands Midnighter a meat tenderizer so he can destroy it. Really, Matt? A meat tenderizer? Do you have no confidence in your boyfriend? I would have tossed him an olive with a toothpick through it. That's more than enough for Midnighter to destroy an attack helicopter!

The fork is a nice touch. I would also like to have seen Midnighter kill some Multiplexes with the turkey carcass and some gelatin.

Midnighter boards the Apache or whatever the fuck kind of helicopter it is (what am I? One of those nerds obsessed with military weapons and vehicles? No offense, you big nerds. That's a cool hobby. Although wouldn't it be cooler if y'all created some kind of Magic the Gathering type game but it was based on real weapons of war and you could dress in your authentic military outfits while commanding your card army full of the best weapons of every war? You know what. Forget I said that. It probably already exists) and kills a bunch of Multiplexes. Then Multiplex reveals why he's an idiotic supervillain and not a super genius supervillain like Lex Luthor or the other ones that you never think of because you can always just say "Lex Luthor."

I don't think even a Teen Plus comic book can show what's going to happen to that meat tenderizer.

Here's why Multiplex is so stupid! He shouldn't hate Midnighter! He shouldn't even be a villain! He should rent out his multiple persons as training dummies for super heroes! He should train under Bronze Tiger or Richard Dragon, Master of Kung Fu. Then he should hire himself out to Batman or the Justice League or the Teen Titans or STAR Labs to be the ultimate training simulator with costs far less than any of the electronic ones constantly getting smashed to bits. Although I do love that he's becoming Midnighter's nemesis because this recurring battle will be a lot of fun.

Midnighter lands the helicopter on the roof of his apartment building after doing whatever unspeakable thing he did to Pilot Multiplex. Now he's got a free helicopter! I bet Multiplex is completely broke now. He should hire himself out to STAR Labs now!

Since Midnighter's apartment has been destroyed, he and Matt decide to travel the world while it's being renovated. That also gives Midnighter time to hunt down more stolen God Garden technology. He still hasn't found the person who stole it all in the first place. My bet is still on it being the real Lucas Trent.

Matt is able to travel because his job is giving his clients bread and circuses so it's easy to keep them happy. I guess that's a business that can never fail, right? I'm going to open a clown bakery and never have an unsatisfied client! Although I'm fearful that it might devolve into murderous teenage battles every few years. Bah! I'm sure there's some kind of insurance that covers that!

While on their trip, Matt's dad is beaten by the people who hate Midnighter because they were smart enough to put gay two and two together. Does this mean Midnighter is going to have to be less cavalier about his identity?!

"Let's see...there were an infinite amount of them. They were all the same height. They all had the same voice. They were in ridiculously stupid costumes."

Midnighter heads out to a men's restroom to beat up some thugs for information. Midnighter doesn't find any information but he does get to pull some guy's whole face off at the guy's own request. So that's a successful bathroom break. I guess.

Midnighter has no leads but Matt's father isn't so sure it matters. He doesn't care if the people who hurt him pay. He's not quite as obsessively vengeance-minded as Midnighter.

Coming out as a heterosexual to my mother was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

Midnighter is discovering that his computer brain is malfunctioning. Don't worry, Midnighter! That's just one of the effects of being trapped in a small town in Connecticut. Your head gets fuzzy and you fill your stomach with warm cocoa and everybody's accents make you feel like you're in a cartoon version of America. You eventually forget what the word "ambition" means and begin engaging in mundane hobbies like bird watching and taffy making. Perhaps you settle down and write a warm, nostalgic book about growing up in the eighties. It'll all feel normal in no time!

Although it's also possible that everybody in town is covered in Holt-Griffin Skin and your boyfriend is secretly the supervillain Prometheus!

Yeah. It's that second one.

Midnighter #6 Rating: +2 Ranking. Some of you may have heard that Midnighter is a homosexual. But--and this was super surprising to me--this comic book isn't just for homosexuals! Can you believe it?! When I first heard Midnighter was going to have his own comic book, I said, "But wait, DC Comics. How am I, a raging heterosexual who loves heterosexual so much that I might be the poster child for heterosexuality, understand a comic book about a gay superhero? Won't it be confusing? Won't I be constantly thinking, 'Why did Midnighter act that way?! That's not how a heterosexual would act!'" But guess what, comic book fans? Midnighter's adventures are completely understandable! At least the adventures that don't take place in other guys' mouths and pants. I don't get those adventures at all. I mean, I like the way my own penis looks. And I like touching it. Which really makes you wonder why I don't like touching other guys' penises, right? I mean, I'd put my own penis in my mouth if I could! But that's not gay for some reason. Right? Um, anyway, this book is fantastic and it's for everybody! It's even for scared white heterosexual male comic book fans who think they're losing stories for them when a character is not straight and white and male! Seriously, you fucking idiots. This is one of the best comic books on the stands and it's only partially because the character is gay. Because let's face it: the fact that this comic book is the best portrayal of a gay character in mainstream superhero comic books is a good part of the reason why this book is as superb as it is. Hell, it might currently portray the best intimate relationships in all of DC Comics, homo or hetero!

Midnighter #4

Meet Midnighter's sidekick: Dick!

This is the last magnetic poem I wrote years ago. It's probably still on the fridge because I haven't recorded it anywhere. But now I'll record it here so I can get rid of it and make some more magnetic poetry!

Untitled

listen listen
let that dog explode
coax the blisters
from her sacred yellow sanctuary
struggle with her secret admonition
the observation firmly murmuring

between spring and winter
there shined a light
she used to know it
but you caught it for yourself

Now I can take it down and begin again! I wonder where all the packs of magnet words are? Probably on top of the fridge behind the biggest wok in the world. Back when I lived in Lincoln, Nebraska, and we had just purchased the Tabloid Magnetic Poetry set, I created my favorite magnetic poem which is this:

Untitled

Your fuzzy thoughts of post-Madonna yesterdays
Have little to do with your vanished passion.
Your borderline thinking and corduroy dreams
Have you as neurotic as a two-headed Michael Jackson.
Forget the therapist, child.
Who can know how far into Marilyn monster secrets
You are willing to hide.
Like Freud says...
No!
Like Oprah says,
"We need to unite our father Atheist with our mother Pope."
That Loch Ness hate you harbor in the Jungian litter box of your soul
Makes me rot like a hooker Queen with a neutered Kennedy.
An alien abduction of Bigfoot's butt is the anatomy of your runaway life.

I might have gone a bit overboard with the Tabloid words. But it was the new set! It had to be done!

This issue begins with three drunk Russians visiting a place called "The Inn of Guire Grando." It's a place where you pay money to get a private Karaoke room with a vampire chained to the wall. Then you get to stake the shit out of that vampire and high five each other because you've just saved the world! Remember how Midnighter found out that some Russian was selling stolen God's Garden technology? It might be that guy running The Inn!

This issue is called "Midnighter" without any punctuation which makes it totally different from the previous issues which were called "Midnighter" but ended with some kind of punctuation. I have no idea what this means.

Midnighter has kidnapped Dick Grayson to help him discover the man who runs the "Thrill-Kill Clubs" in Moscow. So obviously that means doing undercover research in a sauna.

With his powers, I wonder if Midnighter already knows exactly how he's going to fuck Dick Grayson?

Dick and Midnighter play some good cock/bad cock and manage to get the vampire killing douchebros to reveal the location of the Thrill-Kill Club. They have some delightful banter which causes readers to think, "That was a good scene!" Although some readers might be thinking, "That was way too much Dick Grayson nipple!" I wish I could read more comic books that make me think, "That was way too much Catwoman nipple!" It's not fair that women's nipples aren't allowed in Teen Plus comic books. Why are so many people against the creation of heterosexual boners? Lucky gay boners popping up all over the place because of Dick and Midnighter.

The guy running the Thrill-Kill Club is a vampire himself. He kidnaps homeless people, turns them into vampires, and then charges wannabe macho dumbasses for the experience of staking a helpless confused initiate vampire. Dick and Midnighter are here to shut this shit down. Partially because it's wrong and homeless people are being exploited and murdered (the murder part is so bad that I probably didn't need to add the "exploited" part). But Midnighter probably just wants to shut it down because it's connected to his stolen God's Garden technology.

That's a poor analogy, Midnighter! You know that sometimes the mongoose dies, right?

Midnighter kills the guy behind the club and Dick begins freeing all of the captive vampires. Midnighter wants to just stake them but Dick believes they should try to find a way to save them. But he can't. The tech that turned the captives into vampires was booby trapped so that they would die when it's tampered with. Dick tampered with it. They all died. That's all it takes for Dick Grayson to keep hanging around with Midnighter until they can stop Akakyevich the Black Market Fence of God's Garden Technology.

Midnighter #4 Rating: No change. This issue may or may not have been an allegory about the evils of glory holes. I like to think that it was because Midnighter and Grayson found the location to the Glory Hole Club in a bathhouse. The Glory Hole Club was a place men go to feel masculine by sticking phallic objects into waiting receptacles. Then something explodes and guys high five each other a lot. It's also less probable that it was a story about sex trafficking. But that's less fun and more depressing so I'm going to stick with the Glory Hole Theory. Besides the entire plot, Midnighter didn't do anything gay in this comic book so dude bro fanboys should feel safe purchasing this issue. Granted there were no females performing the Boob-Butt Showcase but what do you expect from the gayest comic being published by DC Comics after Batman Loves Superman and Red Hood Loves Arsenal? If you want a comic book that services your male gaze, you have plenty of others to choose from. Might I suggest that one with Alice in Wonderland with the huge breasts and the really short skirt published by Zenoscope? I should review those! Multiple times!

Midnighter #3

What's with all the green goo in the air?

I don't know why people hate being thought of as slackers or idlers so much that they have to defend anything they do as somehow important or laborious. Why does everybody want to appear to be so busy and enterprising? Is it because fathers cast so many dour looks in everybody's direction? Is it because we have so many means of idle entertainment constantly at our fingertips that everybody is trying to justify what little work they actually do? Although it's definitely not a new thing as this excerpt about poetry from William Butler Yeats' poem "Adam's Curse" proves:

I said, "A line will take us hours maybe,
Yet if it does not seem a moment's thought
Our stitching and unstitching has been naught.
Better go down upon your marrow bones
And scrub a kitchen pavement, or break stones
Like an old pauper in all kinds of weather;
For to articulate sweet sounds together
Is to work harder than all these and yet
Be thought an idler by the noisy set
Of bankers, schoolmasters, and clergymen
The Martyrs call the world."

What a fucking drama queen! You write poetry, dude! It's not fucking hard work, at least not in the same sense as the other labor you suggest of scrubbing kitchen floors with bone ash or breaking stones in poverty. I don't think coming up with rhyming observations and petty criticisms of the world is so fucking difficult that you'd rather be breaking rocks. Then the woman he's speaking with basically says, "Yeah, totes. Imagine how hard it is just being a woman and having to be beautiful!" I wish Yeats and his friend had had this conversation in front of a bunch of sailors and miners. Then they would have learned how hard life can be!

I get the bitterness of nobody appreciating something you've done which you've put your passion and soul and many, many hours into. But you're a fucking poet! Ask the other people in your poem who are breaking their backs if they're appreciated and I have a feeling they'll feel the same way you do! Oh! So that makes this poem universal! Well then, good job! You've proven yourself! And thank God that nobody nowadays says, "Hey, you know that Yeats guy that wrote poetry? What a fucking idler! Lazy, that one!"

I probably wouldn't have had any problem with the poem if Yeats had simply said, "Fuck those arrogant banking pricks and righteous clergymen and fascist schoolmasters! What I do isn't idle bullshit! I'm doing something with meaning!" But he had to go and say writing poetry was harder than severely difficult manual labor. Boo fucking hoo, you cock.

Um, anyway, the last issue of Midnighter ended with Midnighter excited that he was going to be able to kill dozens and dozens of Multiplex's clones. This issue begins with that same scene and even some of the same dialogue. I think. I seem to remember that thing about Midnighter suddenly realizing when his birthday is. Hint: it's today! Because he just got a load of killable presents!

But then, because this is a comic book, the scene changes to one hour earlier on the next page.

It's here where we learn Midnighter can't dance.

This issue is called "Midnighter." Get it? The last one was called "Midnighter?" with the question mark. I bet next issue will be called "Midnighter!" I can't wait for that one!

Midnighter's new case is finding a missing girl who was kidnapped by the same people who infiltrated the God Garden and stole some of the Gardener's favorite gadgets and doodads. I guess this mission will lead him to Multiplex and the man, Mister Rohmer, who hired him.

There it is! The plot and the mystery and the connection and the missing girl all in one page! So efficient!

Midnighter rescues the young girl and smashes the technology stolen from the God Garden. It's probably better if he doesn't recover any of it since it's obviously not safe in the God Garden. Security there is slacking when it comes to clones and probably nanobots and maybe even Spyral.

Back to the battle with Multiplex, it's over in one panel of lots of little panels of Multiplexes being mortally wounded. Finally (I mean after that one page), Midnighter stands with the final Multiplex over his head and Rohmer kneeling before him begging for his face. He knows his life is already forfeit so he really just wants his body to be recognizable when it's recovered. But before he dies, he blabs the name of the Russian selling God Garden technology. So now Midnighter is one step closer to meeting the real Lucas Trent! Probably!

After the victory, the story returns to Apollo and Midnighter's breakup.

How was this breakup written so perfectly?

Often when I scan some panels from a comic book scene that I particularly like, depending on how famous the scene is, somebody will need to comment on what happens after the bit that I scanned, especially if it maybe changes the tone of what I chose to present. I hate those fucking people. I don't hate anybody, not even Scott Lobdell, but I hate those people! It's like pissing in my mouth. Apparently nothing can just be the thing it is without somebody else trying to tear it down or make it all about themselves. Try to remember this is about me, people! Jesus.

Anyway, I mention that solidly logical stuff in the previous paragraph because the panel after the previous scan has Apollo saying, "Maybe you just did." But I didn't like that scene ending that way. I didn't like the scene turning on Apollo's last observation of the breakup. This is Midnighter's comic book, dammit! And his final line was perfect and didn't need to be stepped on by Apollo's snarky little addendum.

Finally, in a scene from tomorrow, we see that Midnighter will once again be tangling with Dick Grayson. We'll learn why starting with page 2 of Issue #4, according to how this issue's story was told.

Midnighter #3 Rating: No change. I changed my mind about not hating anybody except those people I previously mentioned. I just read the "Are You Ready For..." final page of the comic and I forgot that I hate Brenden Fletcher as well. Look at his stupid, bearded face! His sweater and his skinny jeans! His "Seems I didn't really take well to figures of authority. Go figure" quote! You might be co-writing two of my favorite DC Comics (and one that's adequately acceptable), but that doesn't mean I have to like you! Eww, Brenden Fletcher! You're so smarmy! Probably!