Stormwatch #29

I'm already bored.

For whatever reason, DC, the Wildstorm Universe failed to merge very well with your mainstream Universe. I say "whatever reason" because I'm being kind. I know the reason it failed. It failed because the Wildstorm comics were written horribly. Grifter was awful bullshit that probably took three years off of my life because I dared look deeply into its plot and found it lacking. Voodoo was confusing and annoying. Stormwatch has been the only comic that has been decent at times. But this last ditch effort to make it more like the original Wildstorm version failed miserably. Unless it didn't. But if it didn't then my initial drunken assessment of Wildstorm fans was on the money and I was too quick to apologize for calling them drunken fratboys. Are people enjoying this version more than the other version? It sucks in so many more and varied ways! But the main issue with all of the Wildstorm titles is that they were never consistent. The characters and their motivations, even their origins and backstories, kept changing as each writer came along to try to shake things up and find a wider audience. Part of that was the fault of DC for launching The New 52 too quickly. Not every idea for every New 52 title was well-formed. A number of titles (and not just the Wildstorm ones) had soft reboots in the middle of the series that expected the reader to just forget everything about the title character(s) up until that point. I'm not sure how that's supposed to help sell more books. I guess the company philosophy is that you make more money by fucking the people that have stuck with a book by changing everything about it to lure in the new readers?

Stormwatch has simply had too many writers writing their own versions of the group. At least Jim Starlin didn't take the old characters and just suddenly make them different. He decided to make literal new versions of the old characters by changing the timeline. That "at least" doesn't mean I approve. It just means it doesn't quite enrage the "actually" part of my brain as much as when Liefeld took over Deathstroke immediately after an issue in which we learn Slade's ultimate motivation is to prove to his father that he's better than him and began with Slade mentioning how his motivation for everything he did was his wife Adelaide or Adeline or Gatorade or whatever.

Don't think I'm a Wildstorm hater just to hate Wildstorm! I'm just pointing out how the Wildstorm to DC Launches all went wrong in much the same way! DC fucked up a lot of their regular characters the same way. Hawkman? Green Arrow (who somehow survived it all!)? Captain Atom? Blue Beetle? The Question? Oh wait. DC is still having problems with the Charlton character merge as well!

Hellstrike battles naked wearing only a vest?

These jerks are confused because they were previously doing nothing just like they're doing now but in an alternate location. While they sat about staring at Hellstrike's uncovered dong, Jenny Soul was off saving the universe by doing everything Excremax the Ohmergerd told her to do as the plot unfolded unnaturally. Hopefully this plot continues on in the same fashion so I can rush right through it. Why didn't this comic book end a few issues ago without any resolution? Jim Starlin should have just let the Crayola Timelords win, obliterating all traces of this version of Stormwatch who are going to cease to exist by the end of this series anyway. Unless Excremax uses his newly acquired unlimited powers to banish Stormwatch from his timeline so he can do whatever he wants with his new Cosmic Suppository! Then maybe they'll return to New Earth's Universe.

Usage Requirements: must be taken anally.

Excremax the Ohmergerd lies to Jenny Soul and tells her that he cannot use the Cosmic Suppository because he's not a "natural telepath." In truth, he just doesn't want to ram this thing up his anus. But he's willing to help Jenny Soul fit this thing inside of her! Even though it's three times as big as she is. Don't worry, Jenny. The anal sphincter is a marvel of elasticity!

Jenny thinks about shoving the Cosmic Suppository up her butthole and becoming the most powerful person in the Universe, able to change reality with a single, uncomfortable thought. She licks her finger and tries to stick it in her ass and finds even her tiniest finger uncomfortable. So she gives up, tears the Cosmic Suppository into three pieces, and banishes them to separate parts of the universe. Excremax watches his dream destroyed, shrugs his shoulders, and says, "Life. Sometimes you get to ride the dildo, and sometimes the dildo rides you. What can you do?"

Meanwhile at Stormwatch Headquarters' gay bar, The Coming Storm:

Every issue, Apollo and Midnighter discuss leaving and decide they'll hang in a while longer.

Hellstrike and X the Shaman flirt for a bit as they discuss X's dead family and Hellstrike's homophobia. But in the end, they're just too different and they don't go home with each other. Hellstrike decides to see if anybody else is interested in his shirtless vest look while X goes home to do tons of drugs.

Elsewhere on the ship, A-I disengages from The Engineer with a loud, squelchy slurp and a soft exhalation of contented bliss. After the intimate bonding between the two of them, they decide to just be friends. A-I leaves before the entire comic book collapses in on itself.

That leaves Storm Control to figure out what to do next by speaking with Planetary. I mean the Shadow Lords! It turns out Storm Control is a clone of Martian Manhunter. Except without the super powers or the martian part. So, um, wait. What? He's a non-super powered human that was developed with Martian DNA? That makes as much sense as anything else Jim Starlin has written! I think he peaked with Warworld! Storm Control decides to keep existing rather than to not exist at all. That seems like a sensible choice.

And then, I guess, it's all over. Lobo didn't even get an appearance!

Stormwatch #29 Rating: -3 Ranking. The ending of this entire comic was as lackluster and inane as the non-ending part of this series which, I suppose, was the rest of it. I don't hate to see this version of Stormwatch end. Good riddance. Unless there is one more issue. Previous news was this was cancelled at Issue #30. But this creative team is definitely wrapping their shit up. So I may or may not have one more issue to read.

Stormwatch #27

I hear Crayola Timelords burn for thirty minutes.

This book is just all over the fucking place. Last issue was a thinly veiled morality play warning the readers about the dangers of Fundamentalist thought. It was kind of a time out issue where Stormwatch learned the motivations of The Crayola Timelords as Excremax the Ohmergerd and Mordak the Who? stood by and waited for Stormwatch to return to Earth. Each group had one piece of some cosmic thingamajig or something. Fuck. Who cares, right? This comic book went off the rails a long fucking time ago and it's just barreling across the landscape running over children and stray cats on its way to plummeting over a cliff into Cancellation Canyon.

One of the many civilians on board Skywatch that do contract work like cooking fish sticks and tater tots every Wednesday or unclogging the toilet after Midnighter gets through with it (look, he knows everything's secret weakness! He probably destroys every toilet bowl he sits on through sheer instinct) has been stealing Stormwatch secrets and passing them on to Martian Manhunter. J'onn is probably curious about Stormwatch because he keeps having a recurring dream that he once worked for them but nobody remembers him working for them because he erased all of their memories but then he lost his memory of working for them as well because none of that ever happened in this Magenta Timeline. Unless we're in the Black Timeline now. I told you I'm not paying close enough attention to this train wreck anymore. Anyway, that civilian's memories are erased and he's fired without pay and he probably also has to reimburse Stormwatch for any food he ate while on Skywatch. It was all right there in the fine print in the contract he signed, right next to the part where he wasn't supposed to steal any Fizzy Lifting Juice.

This issue is finally going to get to Stormwatch's plan to defeat the Crayola Timelords. They're going to meet up with Excremax the Ohmergerd and Mordak the Who? to offer to team up with them against the Crayola Timelords. I think the negotiations will involve a bunch of punching each other in the face until the Crayola Timelords arrive to fuck with time and everyone goes, "Oh hey! Let's punch those assholes in the face now!"

Looks like the meeting is off to a successful start!

Storm Control has decided to send a small group to deal with the negotiations consisting of Jenny Soul, A-I (still in The Engineer's body), Apollo, and Hellstrike. I know Hellstrike is only along as a bodyguard but do you think it's really a good idea to send a racist, homophobic asshole into a diplomatic situation? What if Excremax the Ohmergerd declares that each of the members of the diplomatic party have to cup his testicles to swear allegiance and Hellstrike declares, "I don't make deals with Nancy boys!" I guess then Apollo would melt Hellstrike's face. So maybe that's why Apollo is there!

You know, I don't like this plan at all. Just send in Midnighter. He's the guy to get the job done. Why the fuck is he being left back on Skywatch? Storm Control has no idea what he's doing.

Maybe I should discuss the battle. First let me show you the "battle" between Apollo and Mordak the Who?

Knockout in three panels! I think.

What the fuck kind of a fight scene was that? Mordak grabs Apollo! Oh no! How will Apollo get free!? Um, who the fuck knows since all we get is a close up of Apollo's face and then Mordak is split right down the middle. By the look on his face, I'd guess Apollo simply clenched his butt cheeks really hard and Mordak was destroyed.

Meanwhile Storm Control finally removes his space suit to reveal his true identity.

Maybe it's not true in the strictest meaning of the word true. Unless he actually is Martian Manhunter and not just doing a really good cosplay of him. It's hard to know what the fuck is what since the Crayola Timelords fucked with the timeline!

Back aboard Excremax the Ohmergerd's ship (it might be called Warworld unless Jim Starlin has come up with a different name for the same fucking idea he keeps having), the negotiators continue their negotiations. Back on Earth, Storm Control disguised as Martian Manhunter attempts to enter A.R.G.U.S. so that he can destroy the information that the real Martian Manhunter apparently stole. This might wind up being a Tyler Durden situation. But before any more can be revealed on Earth, Hawkman interrupts and forces the story to bounce back to the negotiations. Damn it all! Can't you finish one scene at a time, Jim Starlin?!

Apparently Excremax the Ohmergerd notices that a Crayola Timelord has traveled to Earth's distant past to destroy the human race before they ever appear. But he apparently fails, time travel being what it is, since none of the humans in Stormwatch suddenly wink out of existence. Time travel also being what it is (I'm going to keep saying that until it makes sense), Excremax and Jenny Soul travel back in time to stop the Crayola Timelord which they must do. Time travel, you know, being what it is.

Not Mordak the Where?! Mordak the Who?!

Excremax and Jenny Soul wind up in the time of dinosaurs which would be one of those eras that ends in an "ic." Maybe. Nobody actually knows. I guess the Crayola Timelord figured the easiest way to kill humans was to catch them when they're tiny and furry little burrowing mammals. Unless mankind was actually brought down to Earth as slaves for the Anunnaki. Maybe that's why the Crayola Timelord appeared so far in the Earth's past! He's going to have to battle the Anunnaki and destroy all of their slaves before they become mankind.

Stormwatch #27 Rating: No change. Fuck this issue! Lobo didn't even make an appearance! And Midnighter was benched! And Hawkman had a guest appearance? I don't think they could have gotten a worse hero to guest star! And why was he so angry at J'onn J'onzz? Oh wait. Hawkman is always angry. Never mind. I suppose I owe some reader an apology. I don't remember the reader but this person once said that he or she just stopped buying a comic book (I think it might have been Swords of Sorcery) when they found it was cancelled. I thought that was an incredibly stupid thing to do, especially if you like a comic book. Who cares if you know the story is going to stop sometime in the future? Well, now I think I know how this reader felt. Stormwatch has been falling apart for so long that now that I know it's over soon, I'm barely giving it much thought. I know I'm not going to really need to remember what's going on for the last few issues! Hell, I haven't been following what's actually going on for the previous few issues! Maybe I should just stop reading it! No, no. They can't leave Lobo out of the story entirely for two issues running. Besides, he has to extinguish the Pilot Light of the Magenta Timeline and set everything back to normal.

Stormwatch #26

Which Earth's?

I think this issue is going to give us the background on the Crayola Timelords. But I think a lot of things that aren't true. And this comic book has just sort of been throwing plot points at the wall to see if any of them are done. Most of them have not been done and wind up sliding down behind the stove to be forgotten. So I'm not even going to try to remember what the fuck has been happening. The main thing to remember is that Lobo has been trying to put out the universe's pilot light while the Crayola Timelords watch and shrug their Red-Orange shoulders. Or Orange-red. I forget which one of those was my favorite Crayola Crayon!

I wonder how much acid Jim Starlin dropped while writing this issue?

I miss doing acid and mushrooms. I bet they would make writing this blog interminable! You'd probably get commentaries that go on for hundreds of paragraphs as they continuously spiral around the same set of words that I've suddenly become fascinated by typing. The last time I did mushrooms was about ten or eleven years ago by myself and they weren't very potent. I watched Run Lola Run and played some Wizardry 8. I had not mind-blowing experiences. I did not see Gumby and nearly die from laughter, nor did I meet Data from Star Trek's look-a-like. The Data experience was one of the saddest moments in my entire life when I realized the truly horrible weight that existence puts on even the most perky and upbeat of us.

My friend Mike and I used to drop acid or eat mushrooms and spend the day at Great America Amusement Park in Santa Clara, California. One time in line for that stupid Viking ship that swings back and forth while everyone sits staring at each other with stupid grins on their faces expecting a fuck-load more excitement than is actually delivered, we saw a guy a few lines over that was nearly the spitting image of Data. Not Brent Spiner. Data. He had the sallow skin with the odd, painted or greasy texture that I always imagine Data's skin must have. Our friend Brad decided to go up to him and ask for a picture. We couldn't hear him as he talked to the Data look-a-like but you could see the moment of recognition in Data's eyes as Brad got the message across. His shoulders began to sag, his expression changed to despair and resignation, and a dead pall dropped down across his eyes. All of the happiness and exuberance that had been on display before Brad interrupted him drained away into the aether. He looked up for the camera without a smile and...and this is the part that crushed my entire outlook on the future and any optimism I had left that the universe was not a harsh, unrelenting destroyer of hope...he slowly, as if his arms were weighted with the decaying dreams of all parents who have lost their babies to randomness and disease, raised up one hand to display the Vulcan Salute. I have no idea what may have happened to that photograph that Brad took. I, for one, have never seen it nor been inclined to seek it out. I can only imagine that it holds a Ring-like Curse for whoever views it, causing their death to unfold in exactly seven days after looking at the image.

Man, acid was the best!

So Stormwatch has traveled far out in space so that they can learn the truth of the Crayola Timelords. I suppose A-I had to get them really, really far away from every other living thing so that nobody could overhear the truest truths of who they are. The Shadow Lords agree that this is the best course of action because nobody actually cares what happens to this Earth. It's probably Earth Wildstorm and DC is finally just throwing in the towel on the Wildstorm characters. I hope Grifter makes a return written by Charles Soule so that my head can explode as I suddenly find myself loving the character!

I still have to wonder if Milligan was going to make the Shadow Lords turn out to be Planetary. Now we'll never know! Unless somebody asks him!

I just asked him! Although it was via a submit box on his website that didn't take any of my information. So I don't know who he's going to answer me! But I can't worry about that. What do I know about technology? Maybe Peter Milligan will respond directly into my mindscape! I hope he doesn't do that because then I won't have any idea if I imagined it or it was a real response. Oh well, if I randomly believe that he answered me later, I'll let you guys know what he said!

Meanwhile, Apollo has a nice dream about how he met Midnighter. Or bad dream. Nice nightmare? Anyway, he wakes up with a start and provides one of the most scandalous pictures I've ever seen in a DC comic book.

Seriously? Lavender bedding? Midnighter and Apollo, I am fucking shocked and appalled.

Midnighter and Apollo have a touching moment of shared insecurities before they're called on to be productive members of Stormwatch as opposed to the lazy layabouts they usually are. What is this? Their honeymoon vacation in the Magenta Timeline? I wonder what's going to become of these guys once this book is cancelled. Will this whole Crayola Timelords Universe just cease to exist? What other comic book would be most likely to feature these guys? Because, really, I can give or take Stormwatch since DC seems to want to concentrate on throwing the gigantic cosmic crises at Justice League. But I'll miss these guys if they don't find another place to crash.

I'll probably miss Jenny Quantum too but I'm already missing her because we've got this imposter Jenny Soul to deal with right now! You know who else I miss? Jack Hawksmoor!

A-I informs Stormwatch that the Crayola Timelords are just a bunch of Luddites trying to mold at least one other race in the universe into beings like them. I suppose playing Bridge against other people that are part of your "Kollective" kind of takes out the surprise of your opponent's plays. So they need another race of aliens that will be able to manipulate time and space as well. Which just seems dangerous to me. You don't want anybody but yourself being able to change time or you're going to be pretty well fucked. Just look at the movie Primer!

Meanwhile, The Frog Navigator tries to give Lobo an attitude adjustment so he'll stop being so violent and erratic! See how he throws glasses? Look at him use the harsh words, "Fat chance!" I'm starting to suspect this isn't the guy that has committed genocide against several alien races. Perhaps Twat Lobo is the real Lobo!

"You'll feel much happier once you accept that you're a prisoner and not a slave. World of difference, 'Bo Bro!"

As Midnighter and Apollo explore another planet, A-I begins to speak of the Crayola Timelords as if they're religious fundamentalists. A-I points out how all of their beliefs are ignorant and harmful unlike A-I's beliefs which are the best because they're backed by computers and scientific theory! How ridiculous! How can science save your soul?! How can theory based on evidence be better than belief and faith?! Seriously, do you want to live forever or understand the workings of the universe? Your pick!

What? Fundamentalists are destroying the human race with their ignorance?! Ludicrous! How can a bunch of people that believe in an everlasting life in a faraway place and that the end times are nigh be a threat to our existence?!

Back in Earth Orbit, Mordak and Excremax the Ohmergerd decide to wait and see what Stormwatch does next. That's not a bad plan because if they wait long enough (four issues to be exact!), the problem will take care of itself!

Over in the Crayola Timelords' dimension, they have come to a decision. It's the decision they always eventually come to. They can never actually tackle their problems head on, so this is what they always do: go back in time and change the past. Can't deal with Jenny Soul being able to kill them? Go back in time and destroy the Earth before Jenny Soul is ever born. Problem solved!

Stormwatch #26 Rating: +1 Ranking. I don't know that the story in this issue actually jives with the stories in previous issues but I'm not willing to spend any more time thinking about the cohesiveness of this comic book's plotlines. This issue, standing alone, away from its peers, way out in the Magenta Timeline, tells a decent enough story and presents a nice conflict for Stormwatch to try and resolve. Sure, some of the players in the story had to just stand around waiting for next issue when something will actually happen. But that's because Jim Starlin might have created too many issues that he wasn't totally sure what to do with previously. But I think it's all coming together nicely for a big end of the Magenta Earth Extravaganza! Although Lobo was, once again, disappointing.

Stormwatch #24

More like "Rise of Excremax," amirite?

I bet Jim Starlin thought up Extremax back in the nineties but then couldn't figure out how to write him into whatever the fuck Jim Starlin was writing in the nineties. And then the wave of really stupid fucking names that had to show how bloody and deathy and extreme all the characters were ended. Jim Starlin spent the next fifteen years punching himself in the balls and crying out, "Why God? Why?! When will I ever be able to introduce Extremax to the comic book adoring public?!" Finally one day when he was punching himself in the genitalia a few extra times for good measure, he got the call from DC Comics. "How would you like to be the new writer on Stormwatch?!" And just like that, Jim Starlin flipped off God for never coming through and leaving Jim Starlin to work out how to receive a call from DC to write a comic book with ties to the era in which a character as extreme as Extremax could be introduced! And now, comic book lovers everywhere, rejoice in the appearance of...I don't know, some time-manipulating Galactus character thing.

Last issue, The Engineer was possessed by some creature named A-I to bring Stormwatch the good word. So once again, The Engineer becomes possessed. You'd think she'd have some kind of super nano-firewall to stop this kind of shit from happening. Even though A-I said her message was one that would help save the Earth, Midnighter does the right thing and tries to kill her. That's when she knocks him out so he can become unconscious and remember how he met Apollo aboard the Daemonite (or Owl) spaceship where they were both experimented on and given their powers.

EXTREMAX THE OMEGA! Even better!

It turns out that Angie is okay and she doesn't mind being used as a mouthpiece for A-I. Excremax the Ohmergerd is a super powerful omnipotent deity with technology greater than that of the Shadowlords. What an omnipotent deity needs with technology is beyond me but what do I know? I'm still trying to figure out what color timeline we're all really living in. I think we're in the Chartreuse Timeline. A-I decides to tell the Origin Story of Excremax the Ohmergerd because he wasn't always the "astral dynamo he is today." I suppose I shouldn't have taken her "omnipotent deity" so strictly since she was just using them as comparatives to Stormwatch's power. I should probably not have skipped every class discussion on metaphor or simile during my educational career. But who could resist saying "It's like I'm there!" while drinking in the morning on some beach instead of sitting in a class learning what the fuck similes and metaphors are used for. I think I do just fine taking every word everybody utters literally.

A-I tells of a self-made man that pulled himself up by his bootstraps through his own intelligence, hard work, and talents. But now that I know not to take every word people say literally, I think this is an analogy if not an outright lie! She might as well be quoting a bullshit Horatio Alger novel. At one point, a child that began doing the most dangerous work in the company somehow comes to own that company. Yes, that's usually what happens. If you work your way up the corporate ladder, you eventually simply become owner of the corporation! Anything can happen if you just keep working hard and never give up! What pluck and determination! What stick-to-itiveness! What self-motivation! Excremax the Ohmergerd truly is an example for all Americans! And since Americans are the great example of everybody else on Earth, Excremax is an example to us all. Every one of us! You can pull yourself up by your own bootstraps without anybody else's help! Everybody in a position of power, everybody with any wealth, everybody living a life of even minor luxuries: they all did it themselves!

Hey, nobody said you had to do it while being a morally chaste stick in the mud! Lesson #1 on being successful: "You've got to break the rules to make the rules!" It also helps if Crayola Timelords fuck with the time stream to bring about the timeline in which you strike it rich.

Excremax the Ohmergerd has been growing in power for fifty thousand years. He has replaced his body countless times. And he flies about the universe on the greatest battle cruiser ever developed! Warworld!

Oops. I mean, Alcazar Astral! I was thinking of Jim Starlin's DC Comics Presents story about the universe's most powerful ship which also goes about robbing planets of their resources to fuel its journey. You know, the one he repurposed for Mongul #1 and isn't anything like the Alcazar Astral. Sorry about the confusion!

A-I estimates that sixty billion people have died due to Excremax's lifestyle. Across 50,000 years? That's not so bad! That's a mere 1.2 million people per year! That's practically nothing! I say, "Leave him be!"

After a minor break where Apollo punches Lobo through the wall because all of this explication wasn't resulting in any kind of comic book violence whatsoever, A-I mentions that Excremax the Ohmergerd was doing quite well until three hundred years ago when he met The Crayola Timelords.

So the Crayola Timelords are Luddites that can change time? Why don't they just change time to eliminate this guy if he's such a thorn in their fiery heads?

Perhaps we'll soon find out that the Crayola Timelords changed time to bring about the perfect version of Stormwatch to defeat Excremax! I wonder if Twat Lobo will arrive on the scene or if he's in the normal colored timeline where the other New 52 books are located.

A-I continues her blah blah blah because Jim Starlin has apparently figured out his next story but he needed a full issue worth of set-up to tie everything together. What it essentially comes down to is everybody is after the final piece of a powerful and ancient artifact which is located on Earth. Excremax has a piece. The Kollective have a piece. And now A-I wants a piece so that she has some leverage between the two asshole cosmic forces.

Meanwhile, Lobo doesn't seem to mind that he was thrown through a wall earlier. Why should he? He's just a raving lunatic asshole that likes nothing better than to throw punches, drink, swear, and kill. I guess sometimes he likes to lie low and listen to lectures as well.

This issue is almost over and Stormwatch has not quite fallen yet. Actually, they've done nothing but listen to the story of Excrmax the Ohmergerd. Although Excremax finally does appear in his ship, Alcazar Astral which is bigger than Earth's moon. But nobody on Earth notices and the physical laws of gravity are being defied because Excremax is traveling in STEALTH MODE!

After telling her long story, A-I tells Stormwatch that Excremax isn't the problem. The Crayola Timelords are. They're going to destroy Earth to get the artifact and Stormwatch's only hope is joining with Excremax. But those negotiations will have to happen next issue because A-I talked the fuck out of this one. And not in an entertaining way! More like a second grade teacher boringly telling his students lies about the pilgrims first meeting with the Native Americans. Although this issue did result in the best drawing of Aquaman ever!

You know what? It's not quite as derpy when seen this large. Whatever.

Stormwatch #24 Rating: -2 Ranking. This issue was simply boring. It felt like Jim Starlin changed direction on his Crayola Timelord's motivations and then decided he wanted to add Warworld to The Ebony Timeline. Well, mission accomplished! But it wasn't executed very successfully.

Stormwatch #23

Did Jenny Soul decide it was against her little girl beliefs to battle the Purple Pony People?

Whenever I read Stormwatch now that the cover has changed and Jim Starlin has taken over, I always expect Magic Trolley to come ding dinging through my room for our little trip into The Land of Make Believe. Since they're in a reality that was changed by The Crayola Time Lords, it's been set apart from The New 52 in much the same way that Wildstorm was set apart before Flashpoint. Sure, Stormwatch now gets to interact with the DC characters but they're no longer the DC characters from the other titles on the shelf. These are the DC characters of The Ebony Timeline! I think Lobo has an important role to play in Stormwatch's future transition from The Ebony Timeline and back to The New 52. That's not just a random belief that popped into my head which I decided must be as good as any other belief since I was able to think it up. It's based on that part of the story where Lobo was trying to extinguish the light of the universe. That was during The Magenta Timeline which was different somehow.

Stormwatch failed to save The Magenta Timeline last issue but who the fuck cares, really? What they really failed to do was stop The Crayola Timelords from genociding two races of alien creatures. Both races were annoying as all fuck but I suppose that isn't actually a good enough reason to kill them all. Although I can't think of a better one. But even though they failed and Hellstrike is a bigoted shit, Midnighter and Apollo decided to stick around. It's a good thing they did because they're the keystone to Stormwatch's whatever architectural structure uses keystones!

Except for saying, "Hi! My name is Midnighter!", this is an awful lot like a Tott Dedell opening!

Apparently The Midnighter's life has been dark. But it's gotten brighter since he met the light of his life, Apollo! Does that mean that Apollo's life is now being eclipsed by his association with Midnighter? Or will Apollo outshine Midnighter? Can they ever truly find balance together? I suppose if you want to be not cynical about it (but why would you choose that method of thinking?), they complement each other. They also probably compliment each other but only in private moments that will never be explored in a mainstream comic book. It might be acceptable to see smoky black and white pictures of Kate Kane and Maggie Sawyer sexing it up in bed because mainstream comic books are ultimately for the straight male gaze and straight males love seeing lesbians together for some reason. Maybe because they know right from the get go that they'll be rejected by them, so they know their poor nice guy feelings will never get hurt by them. Or maybe it's just because four boobies! But because that's the gaze comic books are turned toward, I doubt you'll ever get the same kind of lusty, sexy pictures of Apollo and Midnighter together in a men's restroom at the rest stop on I-90 just east of Rapid City. I mean, in bed.

Next time you're with a bunch of friends and they're doing that stupid "in bed" thing with fortune cookies, you should add "in a men's restroom at the rest stop on I-90 just east of Rapid City" instead. It'll probably be funnier. Although a bit insensitive because it relies on a vicious stereotype of rest stop bathrooms.

I don't think this Purple Pony Person is entirely aware of his violent actions. He looks like he'd rather have a hug and a candy bar than be battling Stormwatch.

Because the Purple Pony People don't seem to be the experts on war they probably like to think they are, Midnighter has time to think about his secret origin as he stabs them in the throat. He remembers how he was abducted from a field in Kosovo by aliens who kept him for years and turned him into Midnighter.

The owls are not what they seem. Unless they seem to be aliens. Then they're exactly what they seem.

This is the exact same thing that happened to Scully's father, Major Briggs! I think I might be mixing up my television shows. I guess as long as I don't begin thinking Jack Tripper was in Deadwood or The Fonz was part of The Wire, I'm not totally losing it.

Lobo and Midnighter manage to leave one Purple Pony Person alive so that they can send them back to their Corporate Overlords with a warning not to fuck with Earth anymore. Go steal water from some other stupid planet, jerks!

Well that explains why this Purple Pony Person looked like he was going to burst into tears earlier.

Afterward, Hellstrike gives his debriefing on the mission.

Are you fucking kidding me? Midnighter had better gut this puss at some point.

I have a feeling Apollo will end up being the one to put a pretty severe beatdown on Hellstrike and Midnighter will have to pull him off of him before he kills him. Because Midnighter is the expert at reading people and he probably sees that Hellstrike is a self-hating, closeted homosexual. They're usually the most bigoted against homosexuals. They're also usually religious for some strange reason. Hmm, do you think those things have any connection? When somebody believes that being gay is a choice and they lead a movement to "straighten out" gays and lesbians, you can be pretty sure that that person is a self-hating homosexual. Because the main reason you would be convinced that being gay is a choice is if you are gay and are taught that being gay is wrong and you force yourself to "choose" heterosexuality. Then you believe that you've made the "proper choice", so why can't other people? I feel the same way when people ask me how somebody can know right from wrong without a religious text. I have to believe those people are sociopaths since they can't understand how empathy drives a person's ethical and moral decisions. They need rules because they don't have empathy which means they're a sociopath. I'm looking at my high school friend Soy Rakelson here! I've never thrown vegetables at pedestrians while driving around town while also following God's law. But to be fair to Soy, The Bible doesn't explicitly say throwing vegetables at people is wrong. "Let he who is without sin throw the first carrot."

Later the Teeny Tiny Leader, Storm Control, daydreams about the day his brain was inserted into his head by Cyclopean Robots. I'm not sure how he remembers looking out of the eyes of the body the brain was put into before the brain was put into the body but I'm also not a biologist! I'm just a stupid fuck reading comic books and being mean.

Storm Control finally lets the other members of Stormwatch know that before The Magenta Timeline, there was a New 52 Timeline that now never existed. Lobo doesn't give a shit but he should since he was killed off by Rob Liefeld in that timeline! Although most of Liefeld's stuff has been ignored and redacted by later stories, so I'm pretty sure Lobo is still okay. Besides, he was only blown up and believed dead by Deathstroke. Lobo has survived worse.

Storm Control has one thing wrong though: the other Stormwatch does still exist! Since all timelines and all possibilities exist, they're still out there ready to interact with Grifter or Voodoo or Team 7. Oh wait. Those timelines don't exist anymore. Stormwatch really shouldn't give a second thought to other timelines. It will only cause a mental breakdown and then cause you to go back in time and steal Superman's baby and create a clone that will bring back your baby. I'd rather just shrug my shoulders and think, "I didn't fail in some other timeline, so why should I bother in this one? If all possibilities exist, I have to be a failure in some of them!" And that's why I'm content with my life!

While Stormwatch wonders why they aren't being wiped out again (as if they'd know!), The Crayola Time Lords are considering trashing their new Ebony Timeline for a Burnt Sienna Timeline. But now they're afraid to do it since the last change created Jenny Soul who killed some of them. Now they don't fit snugly into their box of 64 and they rattle around everywhere they go. They're afraid that if they try again, they'll create somebody even more dangerous than Jenny Soul. It's too bad they can't start over with themselves inside the restarted system so they could get their three lost friends back. So sad.

Storm Control has follow up meetings with one of the Shadow Lords and then with Xiomar, the new Shaman. That's when I learn that the Teeny Tiny Leader isn't Teeny Tiny; the Shadow Lords are Biggy Big. So I should probably try to remember that the leader's name is Storm Control. It helps that he has to keep reminding Xiomar to call him that. And finally The Engineer is taken over by a friendly artificial intelligence that brings them a warning that will help them save Earth. But that story won't take place for two months. I think next month's Stormwatch will be a Lobo story.

Stormwatch #23 Rating: No change. Stormwatch got to pat themselves on the back this issue by performing a second mission successfully although this second mission seems to have been picked because it was no trouble. I think the Purple Pony People will be back again. The rest of the issue was taken up by talk about the Crayola Time Lords and Xiomar's power which is redundant since it does nearly exactly what Stormwatch's Gate system does. It's probably a good thing to have a backup escape plan though. All in all, not a bad issue but not really very exciting either.

Stormwatch #22

I hope Jim Starlin plans on allowing Lobo to be Lobo instead of simply bringing him in as a punching bag to show how powerful Stormwatch is.

I've been reading a lot about Jim Starlin lately and his approach to Stormwatch makes a lot of sense now. He's decided more than once before that a universe needed a brand new beginning. Plus, it seemed the thing to do at Marvel in the seventies was to destroy everything the previous writer set down as canon.

Here's an excerpt about Starlin's beginnings at Marvel from "Marvel Comics: The Untold Story" by Sean Howe:

"I was just as crazy as everybody else post-Watergate, post-Vietnam," said Starlin, whose hobbies included motorcycles, chess, and lysergic acid diethylamide-25. "Each one of those stories was me taking that stuff that had gone before and trying to put my personal slant on it. Mar-Vell was a warrior who decided he was going to become a god, and that's where his trip was." In the pages of Captain Marvel, existence itself might be altered several times in the course of an issue. "There is a moment of change, then reality becomes a thing of the past!" howls the evil ruler Thanos, before everything morphs into funhouse-mirror images.

See? Jim Starlin already wrote this story for Marvel back in the seventies! Except instead of Thanos changing reality, it's the Crayola Time Lords!

That's probably enough about Jim Starlin because this commentary isn't meant for learnin' things! It's for stroking my own ego.

Last issue, Jenny Soul was tricked by the Crayola Time Lords into moving their chess piece, Lobo, into the one position on the cosmic chess board that would implement the Ebony Time Line. The Ebony Time Line seems to be the one Time Line in which Stormwatch doesn't ruin the plans of the Crayola Time Lords. Of course in The Ebony Time Line, the Crayola Time Lords all have constant severe diarrhea but sacrifices have to be made if you want to rule Omnithing!

But don't worry, loyal Wildstorm fan who DC Comics despises! Stormwatch has a plan!

This plan doesn't work.

The back-up plan is the usual Stormwatch back-up plan: beat the snot out of the problem. The only problem with that plan is that Lobo's snot can become more Lobos. At least, it used to be able to. I think The New 52 realized how insanely problematic that aspect of the character was and just made Lobo really crazy and very powerful. You can tell how crazy and powerful he is because I used such descriptive intensifiers as "really" and "very."

Stormwatch comes to the conclusion that whatever the Crayola Time Lords are up to, it's probably going to involve destroying the planet they're all on. I'd tend to agree since they stated that the formation of the Ebony Time Line will destroy everybody that knows about the Crayola Time Lords. It's a perfect plan! Except for that one flaw. It's a big flaw. A tremendous flaw. The flaw is putting the success of the entire plan into Lobo's hands.

Really, Hellstrike? Goldilocks? If it wasn't for your comment last issue about how difficult it is to run a group when two of its members are gay (and one is a child and one is a corpse), I might let it slide as a jibe merely at Apollo's hair and/or uniform. Storm Control might not mind your "off-hand" comments but I wouldn't recommend saying this shit in front of Midnighter.

I just realized Apollo's hair is white so that Goldilocks crack is more probably pointed squarely at his sexual orientation. It'll be interesting to see how this team gets along with a leader like Hellstrike that doesn't seem to have any respect for any of his team!

Apollo's attempt to move Lobo was as successful as Jenny Soul's attempt. Which is to say a complete failure. When Jenny Soul failed, The Weird made sure to tell everybody in no uncertain terms that she was out of the fight. Now that Apollo is down, Midnighter checks up on him and lets everybody know that Apollo is out of the fight. Next up on the team's attack Lobo one at a time summer fun plan, Hellstrike!

"Well, we tried! Let's grab lunch!"

Before Stormwatch can flee, an energy pulse blasts out of Lobo and into the Douli-7 Intergalactic Radio Building where it begins sending out wave after wave of odd transmissions. Lobo collapses and Stormwatch decides to stick around for a bit to see what's next.

I think Stormwatch needs to come up with some slogans for their business cards.

Stormwatch! "Your Active-Pro World Savers!* *Disclaimer: 'Active-Pro' does not constitute 'proactive' behavior.'"
Stormwatch! "Universe ending? We'll watch and wait with you!"
Stormwatch! "Plan A? Is that something like Plan B?"
Stormwatch! "We'll try our best but what are we gonna do with all these Gays, Corpses and Little Girls?!"

That last card is Hellstrike's personal card he hands out.

Back to the comic book, The Forecaster (that's the sentient slug that's taken the place of The Projectionist) checks out the AP Newsfeeds and discovers that the Caimonites and the Bruticus have all been wiped out across the entire galaxy. Lobo is now responsible for the genocide of two more races! Stormwatch slinks back to their Skywatch headquarters, bringing Lobo with them. Can we say "New Member"?

Oh! I guess we can!

How many times is Lobo going to find himself drafted into bullshit super groups and/or cosmic police forces? Did Lobo ever wear a Lantern Ring in Green Lantern?

Lobo lets the Tiny Mysterious Leader know that Lobo don't fraggin' join no nothing nohows. Which Preboot History would argue against but, well, that was Preboot History and Non-Ebony Time Line History, so Lobo is just going to have to learn all over again how easy it is to draft him into the service of others. Whenever Lobo acts like a dick, his entire bloodstream lights up with electric nano-particles and he collapses in an ever-angrier heap of anger. Tiny Mysterious Leader had better watch his back because I'm fairly certain Lobo will graciously take the full brunt of his newly electrified system for however long it takes to snap Tiny Mysterious Leader's neck.

Apollo and Midnighter enjoy some nice, relaxing exposition.

I wonder if Stormwatch is ever going to crossover with The New 52 again or if editorial simply decided it can run amok in its own, new little time line for as long as it wants. It doesn't matter to me. I just want it to be entertaining. But it would be odd to be fragmenting their whole reason for a Reboot only a year and a half in by segregating characters and titles.

Meanwhile The Engineer finally gets to make another appearance. She's checking in on Stormwatch's new Shaman, Xiomar. It turns out he's useless unless his brain has been set free from the limits of our perceptions, so he's been allowed a ration of purple buds so he can stay alert and hungry and trip the fuck out. I mean, so his pain isn't so bad and to treat his glaucoma.

As The Engineer is giving Xiomar a tour, they pass by a non-on-fire Hellstrike. Xiomar recognizes him as a gun wielding bastard. I'm assuming the bastard part simply because Xiomar is from South Africa and his memory of Hellstrike is hanging out with another white guy blasting away with an automatic. It could be Hellstrike acted the hero, being that he's not firing his gun and his eyebrow is raised in surprise, and maybe he stopped the other man from killing a bunch of people. But since I don't currently like Hellstrike, I'll assume the worst!

The Crayola Time Lords appear to Jenny Soul to let her know they need to stab a few loose ends in the face. Except Jenny turns the psychic knife around and they end up the stabbees. Stormwatch is safe from nonexistence for now. But they also know they're up against an enemy that can change the fabric of reality right out from under them. If I were Stormwatch, I'd get some new business cards printed up.

Stormwatch! "Why bother?"

Stormwatch #22 Rating: +2 Ranking. I dropped Stormwatch a long way when they Rebooted simply because they were Rebooting the Reboot which seemed to be going against the rules of the Reboot! And even though I liked the characters in the previous version, I was sick of all of the in-fighting. At least this dysfunctional team is acting like a team. Also, Lobo is now a member! Yay for me and Ha Ha for all y'all Lobo Haters!

Stormwatch #21

Is this one of those 3-D paintings that were pulled off the market because they were sparking psychic abilities in the viewers?

Everybody buckle up and put on your dimension hopping safety silver cords! It's time for a trip into The Magenta Timeline!

But first, the theme song for The Great Magenta Time Line!

It's the Magenta Time Line!
Get on board!
The Magenta Time Line!
We'll ignore
The New 52 paradigm!
To a place where Ted Kord's still alive!
Amanda Waller might be thin!
And where Stormwatch can re-begin!

In the Magenta Time Line!
With Jenny Soul!
The Magenta Time Line!
There's a new Lobo!
Get on board! Just ignore! the stories that were told before!
Roaring to a new timeline where Wildstorm might survive!

In the Magenta Time Line! Oh-ee-oh!
The Magenta Time Line! Let's time warp!
The Magenta Time Line! Really time warp!
The Magenta Time Line!
OFF WE GO!

This explains so much about the Preboot Lobo!

Jim Starlin, I mean The Magenta Time Lords have a brief discussion where they try to explain why Lobo is so unexplainable. How can one character be more powerful than every other character in the entirety of the DC Universe and still manage to lose every fight against every opponent he encounters?! How can a creature regenerate from the smallest of skin cells and yet be killed by Rob Liefeld's Deathstroke? How can a creature that doesn't mind exterminating planets allow himself to be raped by Bueno Excellente and then blackmailed by Hitman who has the video of the event in multiple locations? Why wouldn't he just destroy Earth to make sure nobody ever sees the footage? Okay, that was an unfair example because it was from the Preboot years. But I'm assuming the sodomy still happened in The Magenta Timeline!

Eventually The Magenta Time Lords chalk it up to their not knowing everything even though they know everything because not knowing everything makes life worth living. Or something.

Stormwatch sends the Zealot Lizard People on their way with a hearty thank you for saving us but could you please get out of our space now. The Lizards seem nonplussed by this reaction because they're used to being turned away on people's porches when they're merely trying to pass along the good word. I think the good word is "The Bruticus are cunts." When the Lizards leave, Hellstrike decides the best next course of action is to go have some drinks at a local Douli-7 bar.

We also find out that Jenny Soul is sixteen. So the year in the Magenta Time Line must be 2017 since Century Babies are born on the first day of the new century. Or Jim Starlin made a huge mistake! Or things work differently in the Magenta Time Line! Oh man. What a genius! I can't point out any mistake by Jim Starlin because he can just reply (while wagging his finger in my face), "Unh unh unh! Magenta Time Line! Things are different!" The man is bulletproof!

Unluckily for Stormwatch, Lobo is currently in the bar they just entered! Luckily for Stormwatch, he doesn't seem to know he's supposed to kill them.

The Magenta Time Lords were trying to keep Lobo sedated because he's a loose cannon (that's a cannon that doesn't mind how many balls are shoved down its throat). Looks like Lobo can keep himself sedated though.

The Magenta Time Lords decide the best way to deal with Stormwatch is a barroom brawl. So they mind fuck the Bruticus and the Caimonites so that they'll assault and kill Stormwatch. The Magenta Time Lords are stupid. Just let Lobo off his fucking leash! He can kill them all! Although he was beaten once before by Jenny Quantum in another colored Time Line, so Jenny Soul might be more than a match for him.

When Hellstrike says "a couple of alternative lifestyle types," I'm fairly certain he meant "faggots." I'm just saying it reads more realistically and truer to the crux of his lament that way. I'm not saying I approve! I'm a fucking critic, okay?! I have to point out flaws! Be confident in your portrayal of your characters! Let them be themselves! Who else but a bigoted asshole would think of Apollo and Midnighter as "alternative lifestyle types" before thinking of them as "bad-assed ass-kicking bad asses out to kick major ass"?

While Stormwatch fights the two nobody alien races, Lobo stumbles out of the bar. The Weird and Jenny Soul follow him so that Jenny can enter his mind and read his emanations! But she's only sixteen! She's going to lose so much innocence going into Lobo's mind!

Inside Lobo's head is the trap set by the Magenta Time Lords! They're waiting behind his frontal lobe and ambush Jenny Soul! The Magenta Time Lords lay out a bunch of bullshit to Jenny Soul in the hopes that she'll buy what they're selling. Only one time line exists where Jenny Soul will not ruin the Magenta Time Lords' plan. So the Magenta Time Lords tell her a great big lie about Lobo destroying the universe in every time line except one. Hey! Guess which one that will be! To get Jenny Soul to create the one time line she probably shouldn't create, they tell her Lobo needs to be in a specific place at a specific time. And then they send her back to make her decision. And the little dope goes with the Magenta Time Lords' plan. Well, who wouldn't trust a guy with a flaming face that proclaims he's saving billions of people by manipulating timelines while ignoring all of the lives that never get to exist because of his machinations?

Does this mean they're double crossing Lobo as well? That won't end well.

Stormwatch catches up with Jenny as Lobo begins to channel some mysterious energy. They decide that the best thing to do is wait around and see what happens instead of maybe killing Lobo or moving him from the exact spot he supposedly needed to be in. Meanwhile the Magenta Time Lords begin crowing about how they're now instituting their best time line ever: The Ebony Timeline!

Stormwatch #21 Rating: +1 Ranking. Goddammit! So now they won't be the Magenta Time Lords anymore? They're the Ebony Time Lords? Or should I simply have referred to them as the Crayola Time Lords? And Lobo is being seriously underutilized here! I hope he helps defeat the Crayola Time Lords and is offered a job with Stormwatch. That would be entertaining. For me! And probably not entertaining for thousands of people who fucking hate Lobo.

Stormwatch #20

Currently over in the Magenta Timeline...

Here's my deal with Jim Starlin and Stormwatch: I just want well told, exciting stories. But most of my commentaries and criticisms are from the perspective of DC's change to The New 52. Seen through that lens, the Magenta Timeline deal is hard to swallow since it simply bypasses the rules of the game in much the same way as most of Lobdell's or DeFalco's time travel visitors from the future stories. But you know what will be nice? Just dealing with the Magenta Timeline as stories outside of the normal New 52. I don't have to be bothered with how these stories fit in because they don't have to fit in! As long as this old Stormwatch Logo adorns the cover of the Stormwatch books, I'll just read these books as standing outside the entire New 52 Universe. No more pretend rage at Jim Starlin for excising The New 52 history from Stormwatch. Time to just enjoy this comic book for what it is. That last sentence would have ended with a colon and then the description of what this comic book is but since I haven't read it yet, I don't know!

The Stormwatch away team has been sent to investigate the Magenta Time Lords that have been rewriting Stormwatch every few years. Unless they do it every few months. Or every other second? Every negative thirteen weeks? Whatever their timetables for fuckery, the away team consisting of Midnighter, Apollo, Hellstrike, Jenny Soul, and The Weird have arrived on what is possibly the Magenta Time Lords' home planet to put a stop to their shenanigans.

I think I use the word "shenanigans" too much. I must have some leprechaun ancestry.

Apollo and Midnighter's first duty is to get Jenny Soul across the street and into a space with less minds since she's feeling overloaded. And Midnighter will provide the commentary for that blatant under use of their powers for me.

Since I dropped Stormwatch 25 ranks last issue to start them over on their Magenta Timeline, I'll give them a chance to build back up by raising their rank for everything I enjoy. +1 Ranking for this combined with the away teams initial update of "Holy crap!" Mind you, I'll also be giving Stormwatch negative ranks when they displease me. And I am oh so easy to displease!

While Stormwatch deals with crossing the street, the Magenta Time Lords are busy recruiting Lobo to beat them up. The last time Lobo fought with Stormwatch The Authority, it was because Jenny Quantum was upset that he'd killed Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. I wonder how Jenny Soul would feel about that? When the Magenta Time Lords find Lobo, he'd just killed six muggers in an alley after waking up from a drunken binge. Being that this is the Magenta Time Line, I guess I don't have to worry about whether or not this is the Lobo from Rob Liefeld's Deathstroke. I probably wouldn't have to worry about that anyway since I think DC is simply pretending that all issues in The New 52 written by Rob Liefeld never existed.

The first thing the Magenta Time Lord does is send Lobo back into the past to see how he became the gigantic fucking prick he became.

I'm severely disappointed that Czarnians look just like humans instead of all looking like Lobo. But Magenta Time Line! May not possibly be New 52 Canon! Especially since in The New 52, we were introduced to Lobo's girlfriend, Sheba, who also looked like Lobo. But then that was from a Liefeld book and thus possibly not New 52 Canon!

Basically Lobo was the kid that got the sand kicked into his face until his planet exploded into a nightmare of aggressive assholes. Lobo, being a skinny little wimp, knew he was done for if he didn't act quick. He created a virus or some kind of pathogen (he simply calls it "the right lil' cocktail") that only he was immune to and released it. Everybody on Czarnia died.

I still hope Sheba replaces Lobo in the real New 52 Timeline because do we really need more "fraggin' bastich" this and "fraggin bastich" that? Although another reason to completely forget Liefeld's mess is how he had the Czarnians as one of the alien races fighting with Thanagar. Who makes that mistake?! Everybody fucking knows Lobo is the Last Czarnian! And how about another +1 ranking simply for making him look three million times better than the way Liefeld drew him.

Stormwatch does a little shopping and then continues to follow the emanations of the Magenta Time Lords. Jenny Soul manages to see one out of the corner of her minds eye and this worries the Magenta Time Lords. We'll get to their worry after the next odd interruption since the Magenta Time Lords also deal with this following panel:

+1 Ranking for this strangeness that probably has far reaching consequences if Lobo is ever able to extinguish this light. But let's see how the Magenta Time Lords react before speculating on its importance.


If they can see that Jenny Soul can disrupt their plans across all but one time line, then they can obviously see exactly what needs to be done to make that single time line come about. Unless the mere observance of the time line changes the time line! In which case, they're probably fucking screwed.

So what is that light? How is Lobo able to see it and get at it? Why do the Magenta Time Lords not take it seriously? Because it continues to flicker back into existence once Lobo walks away? I suppose the light is some kind of source for the Magenta Time Line. Lobo wouldn't have any qualms trying to destroy everything in one fell swoop if he were able. This could easily fall into the category of one of those really stupid piece of shit things Lobdell will mention that sort of seem like foreshadowing but are really just flaccid sci-fi ideas that he may or may not eventually deal with (mostly may not). But the way this is done is intriguing. I really like the panels of Lobo approaching it, putting it out, and walking off as it flickers back to life.

As Stormwatch is nearing the source of the psychic emanations, a sniper tries to blow Jenny's brains all over the backside of Apollo. But she senses him in time and dodges out of the way, leaving Apollo to get shot in the ass. I don't think it hurts him much though. He's all solar powered up and invulnerable. After the sniper shot, all hell breaks loose just like on the cover.

Sex talk seems a little out of place when you're kicking the heads off of your enemies. +1 Ranking!

Stormwatch is kicking ass but Storm Control (the mysterious teeny tiny leader) is concerned about Jenny's safety simply due to the sheer number of assailants. But before he can order Forecaster the Frogman to pull them out, a ship full of alien lizard men with patches indicating they're trysexual arrive to save the day! They also use budget interplanetary translators. Also, they're religious zealots whose main reason for helping Stormwatch is because the fascist corporate bully boys that attacked Stormwatch are the religious zealots big time number one bad enemy people. So it looks like Stormwatch just teleport doored right into the middle of a long time feud between two idiotic species.

And then there's Maude Lobo.

I suppose comparing Maude with Lobo is about as horrible as when I compared The Golden Girls to the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse. Speaking of Maude and The Golden Girls, both of those shows had great theme songs. Plus Lobo's dolphin buddies!

Stormwatch #20 Rating: I lost count! I think this was worth +6 Rankings at least. I definitely like seeing Stormwatch going on missions rather than all the fucking in-fighting they'd been doing. And going up against the Magenta Time Lords that can, occasionally, rewrite history seems about the right amount of danger for Stormwatch to be on the job.