Futures End #25

DC should include a pull-out poster that unfolds into the long, pink Preboot background that's been stretching across the cover since Issue #23.

I recently posted a quote from Generation X by Douglas Coupland about how depressing it is when a friend buys a house because they lose something of their personality to their investment of such a profoundly expensive and long-term commitment. That may be true but I find it depressing in another way. When I recently returned from visiting my friend Doom Bunny in Denver (where I stayed with his family in their house), I told the Non-Certified Spouse, "Remind me how depressed I feel now the next time I act excited to go visit Doom Bunny in a year or two." Because I'd forgotten how depressed the trip made me the time previous until a few days into the visit when I began to feel awkward and hopeless. You see, the depression doesn't stem from the points Douglas Coupland made. I don't really see any substantial changes in my friend Doom Bunny now that he has a family and is married and owns a home. No, he was always meant for that because he fit in long before marriage or kids or home ownership. Society has always worked for him. What depresses me is that I can't find that place of comfort and ease and fitting in. Being there simply reminded me that I do not belong in the culture I was born into. I cannot find security and happiness without making some serious trade offs to who I am. Hell, I don't even know if I could attempt to make those trade offs. It takes something that I don't have within me. And it isn't that I don't want to be a cog in the machine. I would love to be a happy little peaceful cog in the machine! It's that my cog simply wasn't made for this machine. And there is no starker reminder that I don't fit in then spending time with somebody who wholeheartedly does (or, at least, seems to).

I wrote something many years ago about how I know the secret to being happy. But knowing the secret and knowing that you are unable to execute that secret is far more depressing than not knowing at all. Like Fox Mulder, I want to believe. I would love to fit, and to do what needs to be done without any qualms, to be able to make friends as an adult, to be able to interact with human beings, to take a job and put my head down and collect my benefits and feel secure and, well, to feel...complacent. I've lived forty years on this stinking planet and I have no idea how they all do it. So I guess I'll just keep on bumbling about the labyrinth, trying not to give too many fucks about it, and hiding myself in comic book worlds.

Ugh. I just want to delete the previous two paragraphs. But then I'd have to think up something else to write! Laziness trumps whatever that other emotion I am feeling is!

Currently, the New Stormwatch's old ship, the Carrier, is being overrun with Baby Brainiacs.

What the fuck, Black Adam? You use magic! Stop being so judgmental and/or hypocritical! Also, how is "punching something" modern?!

Everybody is relying on Angie the Engineer to interface with The Carrier and get it started again. Aren't any of them suspicious that The Engineer, who is constantly being taken over by other intelligences, has shaken off Brainiac's control so easily?! She's probably going to download Brainiac right into the Carrier so that the can travel the Bleed and invade Earth next issue! I only say "next issue" as a way of saying he'll be able to reach Earth quickly. But as we have seen, the plot moves so slowly in this comic book that it'll still probably take him a few more months.

Maybe I'm being too suspicious. I don't like being too suspicious! It makes me feel like I'm a regular denizen of the internet that doesn't believe anything simply so that they'll never be fooled by anyone.

I hope they hyperbled into the Pre-Crisis DC Universe!

I think I use too many exclamation points. But how is the reader supposed to know how exciting everything is if I don't use them? The reader might get bored if I just use periods all of the time. See? This paragraph is intensely boring. I'm falling asleep typing it. Oh period. You are so dull!

While fighting robots in space is well deserving of lots and lots of exclamation points, meeting the new Team Seven is worth whatever the opposite of the exclamation point is. The dexclamation point?

I wish a lexicon was a collection of words that mean the opposite of other words.

The new Team 7 (or should it be Team 8?) Ha ha! That looks like a funny face! 8?) Ha ha!

Um, anyway, the new Team 7 is composed of Fifty Sue, Deathstroke, Grifter, King Faraday, and Twofer Lana Lang. That makes it comprised of 40% old Team 7 members! Unless my calculator is lying to me.

Faraday teleports away because he can teleport and because he doesn't want to be a part of Team 7+. Now 50% of the team is comprised of old Team 7 members! I hope I'm impressing everyone with my mathematical abilities.

Fifty Sue wants to take Cadmus Island back from Brother Eye and to do that, she needs one of the team members to sacrifice themselves. I suppose that's going to have to be Twofer Lana Lang since nobody cares about Twofers.

Oh yeah. Superman is fighting the Mighty Morphin' Anger Ranger. It's actually much more exciting than that last sentence made it sound but I thought I should lay off the exclamation points for awhile.

Constantine explains to Superman that Brainiac isn't just a smart robot whose name came to be used as a sarcastic way of calling people stupid. He's actually some kind of God Machine that falls out of the sky to completely obliterate the plot. Constantine also mentions that he exists outside of space and time which must be why he lives in a black hole (as seen in Doomed #2).

Superman battles the Mighty Morphin' Anger Ranger while Constantine babbles on and on about Brainiac. After Superman defeats the robot, Constantine says, "Oh yeah. If you defeat the machine, you'll fail." Whoops! Maybe he should have mentioned that first thing. Constantine surmises that the machine was just a measuring instrument to figure out how strong Superman was so that Brainiac could destroy him when Brainiac (the real, God Machine Brainiac) finally arrives on Earth. Constantine's plan is to chase the Measuring Machine through a cosmic portal to infinity located somewhere in New Jersey. Because if they don't stop it, the Earth is doomed. Probably. I just made that up because isn't that always what happens if comic book characters don't do what needs to be done?

Back at Columbia University, Madison moves a little too quickly for Ronnie Raymond which causes him to flee back to his ex-boyfriend for advice on whom he should speak with about heterosexual problems.

They aren't really friends! They're ex-lovers! That was too exciting a revelation for mere periods.

What actually happened is that Ronnie heard one of those ubiquitous news broadcasts informing everybody that needs to know that a tidal wave was about to hit Samoa. What better opportunity to get some sex with an ex than a natural disaster? Mergetown, USA, here Ronnie comes! And Jason too, probably.

Jason isn't at all happy to see Ronnie. Who would be? They were married way back in The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men #0 and then Ronnie started denying his homosexuality and trying to bang cheerleaders. I bet, in his anger, Jason uses him as the first ever non-Justice League Member human teleportation guinea pig!

Sniff, sniff. This moment is practically lifted straight from an Armistead Maupin book.

Professor Toomuchsake has been spying on Jason in the lab and now knows he and Ronnie Raymond are Firestorm. And since Professor Toomuchsake thinks the Justice League is responsible for every death in the world because they haven't given the public their teleportation technology, he now plans on getting revenge against Jason. Which probably means using Jason (and maybe Ronnie as well) as his soon-to-be Brundlefly.

Futures End #25 Rating: No change. I don't care about Jason and Ronnie so the whole last half of this issue was wasted on their love affair. Why can't they just fuck already? And I don't mean merge as Firestorm! They need to forget about being a hero and concentrate on being a couple. What I really wanted to read about was where New Stormwatch went in their carrier! With all of these Preboot images on the last few covers, and then Constantine's revelation that Brainiac exists outside of space and time, I'm really hoping the New Stormwatch takes a trip to any one of the Preboot DC Universes!

Stormwatch #30

Who are these people?

Stormwatch in the Magenta Timeline ended between Issue #29 and Issue #30. After Jenny Soul decided she didn't want a gigantic, all-powerful suppository shoved up her hoo-hole, the team sat around trying to figure out what to do next. That's when Lobo returned to the Universe's Pilot Light which was no longer guarded by the Crayola Timelords because they'd been written out of existence. Lobo lit his cigar with it and then promptly blew it out. Everything ceased to exist. Even Jim Starlin.

So now we're back in The New 52! Although we're all a bit more cynical now, aren't we? Because we've experienced a story outside of the 52 Universes that are said to exist in The New 52. We now know there's more to it than DC has been letting on. Could it be, we think, catching our breath and touching our genitals tenderly, that The New 52 is simply a smaller part of an...this thought comes upon us, almost unthinkable...infinite amount of universes?!

Not like that thought is really anything new. Most of the New 52 titles take place on New Earth but there are enough New Earth stories dealing with alternate timelines and alternate realities that the idea of 52 coherent universes doesn't even fucking matter. Rebooting their characters from time to time seems like a fine idea if you want to keep origins and the history of characters modern and timely. But trying to limit your universe so you can somehow keep tight control of the continuity of it? Forget it, DC. Stop fucking trying. Just let the writers write and let the fanboys point out how Green Lantern never could have been in three places at once last month. Who the fuck cares? As long as all three Green Lantern stories rock my bunghole, I'm fine with dyscontinuity! That's a combination of the words "dysfunctional," "continuity," and "incontinence."

Oh. So they're aware of their brief stint inside Jim Starlin's brain? That's too bad. I bet they dream of Warworld for weeks.

I had to check the rating on the front of the issue before I make my next prediction. The Rating is Teen+, so my next guess is that Apollo will mention how much bigger Midnighter's penis was in that other universe, so it wasn't all bad.

Even though Stormwatch has returned from Jim Starlin's brain-space, it hasn't been returned in the same condition it was loaned out. Stormwatch Headquarters is now called The Carrier and they're once again using Door Technology. Their computer banks even slyly reference The Authority, probably because they live in The Bleed and exist everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. Like cats.

That sounds like a sly allusion to the myth that gay guys will fuck anything! That's obviously a myth since they don't fuck vaginas.

I don't even know if that's a myth! I just made it up because I think Apollo really does want to double team this alien's head with Midnighter. He did say something about mounting it in the bedroom! Also, my friend Kenny, who is gay and thus represents all gay men, once told me a story about how he received oral sex from a stranger while walking through the park. That's almost like fucking an alien in the head!

The next panel which I'd failed to read before making all of my insensitive comments has Apollo mentioning that he brings back these trophies for research purposes. Now he can find out important things like how nice his penis feels inside of it and how it reacts to his super powered sun semen.

Oh! I also wanted to say that I really liked The Engineer's Hal Jordan comment. That was a nice touch there, Mr. Sterling. It probably also helps place the return of Stormwatch back into the New 52 timeline. But I don't follow that stuff very closely so it doesn't matter to me. I just hope Midnighter battles Dex-Starr this issue!

Currently Jack Hawksmoor is on sabbatical because he's lucky enough to have a job that offers sabbaticals. And Jenny Quantum is off trying to kiss a boy. He's kind of a depressed boy so I'm hoping he's the boy that now houses Etrigan the Demon. Her date is not going very well. Probably because he's full of inner torment and demon penises.

No you won't! You abandon your lovely street burrito as soon as you get the call to return to The Carrier! Dumb dumb!

As Jenny Quantum arrives in Los Angeles to battle a huge City Hall Gobot (it's obviously a Gobot as opposed to a Transformer since it still basically looks like a building when it turns into a robot), she describes Stormwatch and all its members. She even gives a little history because this book has been needing some kind of coherent explanation of the group that the readership can digest. Too bad it's happening in the last issue!

Stormwatch is currently on the run from Planetary The Shadow Cabinet, a group of three mysterious figures (plus the lost Fourth Man (so you know, nothing at all like Planetary!)), that were trying to control them. But Stormwatch didn't like being controlled, so they gave notice and disappeared into The Bleed. And now they're practically ready for a new series! A good series! A series written by Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea! No, wait. That series would suck because the team would constantly be fighting gigantic alien genitalia trying to use Earth as a toilet.

During the Battle Against L.A., The Engineer rehires The Projectionist to help keep Stormwatch a secret. But she doesn't rehire Martian Manhunter, so they can't erase people's memories, just people's video evidence. They'll just have to live with being a seemingly Urban Legend rather than complete unknowns.

The team eventually finds Jack Hawsmoor hugging some alien technology that's turning the city into monsters. Midnighter is knocked unconscious by the technology's defenses, so now it's all up to Jenny Quantum.

Her love of ponies?

Also, Jenny Quantum is going to be might surprised when she finds she has one more year to live than she realizes. Also, everybody has been lying to her and she's actually only thirteen.

Jenny claims "emotional blackmail" is the greatest weapon a fourteen thirteen year old girl has at her disposal. I don't know if that's exactly what she uses here since it seems like she mostly just uses the very real fact that she loves and cares for and relies on Hawksmoor and the other members of Stormwatch to break the alien technology's hold over Jack. Maybe she doesn't actually like any of them and she only cries crocodile tears. It's possible she's just using them all to gain more power which means more freedom so she can ditch their old asses. I think that might constitute emotional blackmail.

Stormwatch doesn't discover that the alien technology they just destroyed was put there by The Shadow Cabinet trying to trap them. Also, Adam One seems to now be a member of the Shadow Cabinet. So he's the Fourth Man although the panel with the Shadow Cabinet only shows three men. That means Jakita must be in the bathroom at the moment.

After Jenny Quantum uses door to return to her date, kiss the boy, and break up, a fleet of alien ships come out of The Bleed saying in their alien Runespeak Old Portugese [sic} language, "Finally, after all this time, we've found it...EARTH." But that's about as far as their invasion goes before Stormwatch finally, after thirty issues, begins acting like fucking Stormwatch!

Stormwatch is finally here! The end.

Stormwatch #30 Rating: I'm not changing the ranking at which I've already retired this comic book. But this issue is a good sign for a future return of Stormwatch. The team felt right here. The team was doing what they're supposed to do. And they fucking were getting along with each other. I don't mind if they squabble or get pissy with each other; heck, I demand that! But enough with issue after issue of physical violence between team members. I guess that's an old complaint though. I think the Fake Stormwatch got along okay in their alternate reality. But all the characters sucked in that reality, so I wouldn't have cared if they wound up punching each other in the face over there. Anyway, thanks for letting them go out on a good issue, Mr. Sterling.

I know it's Mr. Gates! I just like saying Mr. Sterling!

Stormwatch #29

I'm already bored.

For whatever reason, DC, the Wildstorm Universe failed to merge very well with your mainstream Universe. I say "whatever reason" because I'm being kind. I know the reason it failed. It failed because the Wildstorm comics were written horribly. Grifter was awful bullshit that probably took three years off of my life because I dared look deeply into its plot and found it lacking. Voodoo was confusing and annoying. Stormwatch has been the only comic that has been decent at times. But this last ditch effort to make it more like the original Wildstorm version failed miserably. Unless it didn't. But if it didn't then my initial drunken assessment of Wildstorm fans was on the money and I was too quick to apologize for calling them drunken fratboys. Are people enjoying this version more than the other version? It sucks in so many more and varied ways! But the main issue with all of the Wildstorm titles is that they were never consistent. The characters and their motivations, even their origins and backstories, kept changing as each writer came along to try to shake things up and find a wider audience. Part of that was the fault of DC for launching The New 52 too quickly. Not every idea for every New 52 title was well-formed. A number of titles (and not just the Wildstorm ones) had soft reboots in the middle of the series that expected the reader to just forget everything about the title character(s) up until that point. I'm not sure how that's supposed to help sell more books. I guess the company philosophy is that you make more money by fucking the people that have stuck with a book by changing everything about it to lure in the new readers?

Stormwatch has simply had too many writers writing their own versions of the group. At least Jim Starlin didn't take the old characters and just suddenly make them different. He decided to make literal new versions of the old characters by changing the timeline. That "at least" doesn't mean I approve. It just means it doesn't quite enrage the "actually" part of my brain as much as when Liefeld took over Deathstroke immediately after an issue in which we learn Slade's ultimate motivation is to prove to his father that he's better than him and began with Slade mentioning how his motivation for everything he did was his wife Adelaide or Adeline or Gatorade or whatever.

Don't think I'm a Wildstorm hater just to hate Wildstorm! I'm just pointing out how the Wildstorm to DC Launches all went wrong in much the same way! DC fucked up a lot of their regular characters the same way. Hawkman? Green Arrow (who somehow survived it all!)? Captain Atom? Blue Beetle? The Question? Oh wait. DC is still having problems with the Charlton character merge as well!

Hellstrike battles naked wearing only a vest?

These jerks are confused because they were previously doing nothing just like they're doing now but in an alternate location. While they sat about staring at Hellstrike's uncovered dong, Jenny Soul was off saving the universe by doing everything Excremax the Ohmergerd told her to do as the plot unfolded unnaturally. Hopefully this plot continues on in the same fashion so I can rush right through it. Why didn't this comic book end a few issues ago without any resolution? Jim Starlin should have just let the Crayola Timelords win, obliterating all traces of this version of Stormwatch who are going to cease to exist by the end of this series anyway. Unless Excremax uses his newly acquired unlimited powers to banish Stormwatch from his timeline so he can do whatever he wants with his new Cosmic Suppository! Then maybe they'll return to New Earth's Universe.

Usage Requirements: must be taken anally.

Excremax the Ohmergerd lies to Jenny Soul and tells her that he cannot use the Cosmic Suppository because he's not a "natural telepath." In truth, he just doesn't want to ram this thing up his anus. But he's willing to help Jenny Soul fit this thing inside of her! Even though it's three times as big as she is. Don't worry, Jenny. The anal sphincter is a marvel of elasticity!

Jenny thinks about shoving the Cosmic Suppository up her butthole and becoming the most powerful person in the Universe, able to change reality with a single, uncomfortable thought. She licks her finger and tries to stick it in her ass and finds even her tiniest finger uncomfortable. So she gives up, tears the Cosmic Suppository into three pieces, and banishes them to separate parts of the universe. Excremax watches his dream destroyed, shrugs his shoulders, and says, "Life. Sometimes you get to ride the dildo, and sometimes the dildo rides you. What can you do?"

Meanwhile at Stormwatch Headquarters' gay bar, The Coming Storm:

Every issue, Apollo and Midnighter discuss leaving and decide they'll hang in a while longer.

Hellstrike and X the Shaman flirt for a bit as they discuss X's dead family and Hellstrike's homophobia. But in the end, they're just too different and they don't go home with each other. Hellstrike decides to see if anybody else is interested in his shirtless vest look while X goes home to do tons of drugs.

Elsewhere on the ship, A-I disengages from The Engineer with a loud, squelchy slurp and a soft exhalation of contented bliss. After the intimate bonding between the two of them, they decide to just be friends. A-I leaves before the entire comic book collapses in on itself.

That leaves Storm Control to figure out what to do next by speaking with Planetary. I mean the Shadow Lords! It turns out Storm Control is a clone of Martian Manhunter. Except without the super powers or the martian part. So, um, wait. What? He's a non-super powered human that was developed with Martian DNA? That makes as much sense as anything else Jim Starlin has written! I think he peaked with Warworld! Storm Control decides to keep existing rather than to not exist at all. That seems like a sensible choice.

And then, I guess, it's all over. Lobo didn't even get an appearance!

Stormwatch #29 Rating: -3 Ranking. The ending of this entire comic was as lackluster and inane as the non-ending part of this series which, I suppose, was the rest of it. I don't hate to see this version of Stormwatch end. Good riddance. Unless there is one more issue. Previous news was this was cancelled at Issue #30. But this creative team is definitely wrapping their shit up. So I may or may not have one more issue to read.

Stormwatch #28

Have you ever opened your eyes in the still darkness, groggy from sleep, still enmeshed in a hazy dreamworld quickly fading from memory, struggling with your identity and hoping against all hope that it's not actually the one currently coalescing in your mind? This cover gives me that feeling.

In your life, you have done things that you would not tell your most intimate of confidants. These are secrets that warp your public persona. They are pieces of the essential you that nobody ever gets to see and, often, which you try to deny yourself. And yet without knowing these hidden and secret pieces, nobody can ever know the true you. You might believe that nobody needs to know some of these things you've done because that isn't you anymore. You've changed. You know better now. But these dark secrets still haunt you. You realize you are less than everybody else because you ignore the simple truth that they all have dark secrets themselves, different yet essentially the same. Shameful. Disgusting. Horrific. But it is the truth and we hide it and we live lies because you can't imagine anybody ever looking you in the eye after learning of the things, perhaps simply the one thing, you've done. You view them as mistakes but they are not mistakes. They were choices. And they have formed the essential you whether or not you care to incorporate them into your public version, The You Lite, that you present to others.

But some people do not get the luxury of hiding their most shameful moments in the fog of the past. Some people, like Jim Starlin, have exposed the weeping innards of their soul in the current run of Stormwatch and I cannot tear my eyes away. It is as if I walked in to a nursery to view the beautiful sleeping child at rest in its crib only to find Jim Starlin squatting over its tender form to touch his penis to its lips. I do not mean this in a sexual way, mind you. It is an analogy only in presenting a situation that would bring extreme discomfort between the person involved in the situation and the viewer of said situation. To be caught in the grip of a compulsion that cannot be helped and cannot be stopped by one's own logic or willpower. And to be caught in the acting out of that compulsion. We keep our secrets not just because we fear the judgment that will be heaped upon us but also because we do not want to make others feel uncomfortable around us. It is a politeness, this hiding of our past shame.

And yet Jim Starlin probably feels no shame for the comic book he is currently producing in the public sphere. And that leads the individual to another feeling altogether: envy. How is it that Jim Starlin does not have the capacity to understand that he is making us all uncomfortable? And why can't I feel the same obliviousness toward others? How can I learn to express my embarrassingly honest self without noticing the squeamish looks on the faces of loved ones, without feeling each ragged cut of rejection as they turn away from me having seen the atrocities which I am capable of committing? And how can I develop the gall to ask people to pay money for these wanton acts of self-destruction, these minute obliterations of all decency?

It is true, is it not? Have you ever seen somebody at a party do that very thing that you hide deep down in your well of perversions and think, "Is that acceptable? Have I been deluded in my shame my entire life? Why can I not feel as free as this one, happy and oblivious in her discomfiting the rest of us?" But we know that she has a hidden secret that would mar her public persona as well, different but just as damaging as the secrets we hide. Each has a peculiar ability to skewer, deflate, disintegrate the person others view us as. Should we care? Is there an authentic self? Does it even exist if one cannot be completely known by any other? Should we all present to the public our own Stormwatch?

No. Secret selves are the glue that bind civilization and allow us to walk amongst each other. How could I sit at a table with my back to the unending stream of unknowable people if I knew what they were truly capable of? We can deny and ignore the depths of our own depravity. But once you learn the depths of another's, you never forget. And so, Jim Starlin, you baby face penis rubber, I will always remember that you once opened up your mind and exposed to me the Magenta Timelords Stormwatch Arc and, due to your carelessness you displayed in hiding your shame, I will never feel comfortable reading any of your stories.

Besides, they all feature Warworld anyway. Seriously, dude. Enough with the Warworld. What the fuck is that a metaphor for anyway? Your mother's womb? Your uncle's dingy, dark basement? Your first flowering crush who, upon finding out you liked her, called you a fat fucking twerp right to your face? No, no. Forget I asked. Why you developed Warworld is probably that part of yourself that you can never let anybody see. Stormwatch is nothing in comparison. What I should be asking is why does this Extremax story arc make me feel so uncomfortable? Why am I envious of your ability to expose this part of yourself whereas I would be exposing too much of the hidden me?

Perhaps I should just ignore the questions and treat this day like every other, passing the time in tiny moments of blissfully distracting mundanities as I wander the paths of time's labyrinth, ignoring the dead ends I can no longer talk about and pretending not to notice the animal grunting that gets closer and closer every year as I anticipate, both anxiously and with dread, the day I finally feel the hot breath on my neck and the oblivion of the rending teeth.

How do they plan on doing it? I'd guess a T-1000. Or a meteor although, time being what it is, that obviously didn't work.

Yes, the Crayola Timelords decide to use the asteroid plummeting to the Earth's surface that eventually wipes out the dinosaurs. They choose to move it so that it impacts the land and destroys all life. But, time being what it is, Excremax the Ohmergerd causes the asteroid to explode in the sky which does that thing that happens eventually where the dinosaurs die and mammals take over. You know, time being what it is. Or as Lost often said, "Whatever happened, happened." Unless Lost never said that at all. Or was even a thing. Did I dream that television show?

The rest of the drama plays out with Excremax the Ohmergerd explaining what needs to happen to Jenny Soul and then explaining what needs to happen next because of how Jenny Soul fucked up what she was supposed to do the first time.

Excremax: "There is a Crayola Timelord that needs to die or else all life on Earth will perish!"
Jenny Soul: "Okay! I killed it! Yay me!"
Excremax: "But you did not kill it quickly enough, you dumb shit. Now look what is happening! It sent out a help message and now help has arrived! This help will kill us both if we do not flee as quickly as possible."
Jenny Soul: "But where do we go?"
Excremax: "We now flee to The Bleed!"
Jenny Soul: "Why the fuck didn't you just bring us here in the first place instead of narrating all of that other shit? What the fuck is wrong with you?"
Excremax: "Now Jenny Soul gets uppity with me and questions why I do the things that I do! But now I will bring up the fact that I am about to mention that Jenny Soul is in need of a proper spanking!"
Jenny Soul: "Seriously?"
Excremax: "Now I am mentioning that Jenny Soul is in need of a proper spanking and I shall forthwith be pulling down her tiny panties so that I can slap her firm young sixteen year old ass!"
Jenny Soul: "And now Jenny Soul gets Excremax arrested for being a fucking pervy fucking weirdo. No offense, The Weird."

Meanwhile in ARGUS Headquarters, Hawkman has stopped J'onn J'onzz (actually Storm Control in disguise but Hawkman doesn't know that!) in the hallway to yell at him for being two hours early to a meeting. Really? That's suspicious? I suppose Hawkman always has a very large burr up his ass but this is a bit silly. How dare a member of the Justice League of America be found wandering ARGUS Headquarters early for a meeting by, let's see, another member of the Justice League of America busy wandering ARGUS Headquarters early for a meeting! I think it's more suspicious that Hawkman called out Martian Manhunter because it's like he's deflecting attention away from himself!

Apparently my initial assessment of this situation was spot on: Hawkman is just always fucking angry.

Storm Control manages to destroy the intel ARGUS had on Stormwatch and he then leaves ARGUS. Although his Martian Manhunter suit is apparently just a rubber costume and it fooled Hawkman, so Hawkman is a giant idiot. I guess it's hard to tell the difference between rubber and real when you have angry eyes. Storm Control uses his own palm print to gain access to the ARGUS Information Vault, so he's probably a clone of Steve Trevor.

Back to Jenny and Excremax, Excremax continues to narrate exactly what they're doing while Jenny says things like "Sure" and "Lead the way" and "I will not let my people die!" Excremax tells Jenny to create psychic avatars of "those she trusts" so of course she creates a bunch of mental versions of Stormwatch. Including Lobo who she, you know, totally trusts and shit.

Why? He's been narrating the action the entire time. I don't think Excremax is a character at all! He's writing this story as they go!

Excremax the Ohmergerd and Jenny Soul destroy the Sole Mind of the Crayola Timelords, destroying them completely. But this creates a backwash in reality that threatens to destroy them. Is that because the regular non-Crayola-Timelord-influenced timeline is returning?

No, that's not what it means. It's just a localized anomaly that Excremax is almost sucked into but Jenny Soul saves his life. And even though he promises Jenny that he will not harm Earth or anybody she cares about (nice selfish deal, kid), Excremax now has possession of the full Artifact that will supposedly make him the most powerful being in the Magenta Timeline. Right after Lobo, of course.

Stormwatch #28 Rating: -1 Ranking. What this comic book really needs is more Warworld.

Stormwatch #27

I hear Crayola Timelords burn for thirty minutes.

This book is just all over the fucking place. Last issue was a thinly veiled morality play warning the readers about the dangers of Fundamentalist thought. It was kind of a time out issue where Stormwatch learned the motivations of The Crayola Timelords as Excremax the Ohmergerd and Mordak the Who? stood by and waited for Stormwatch to return to Earth. Each group had one piece of some cosmic thingamajig or something. Fuck. Who cares, right? This comic book went off the rails a long fucking time ago and it's just barreling across the landscape running over children and stray cats on its way to plummeting over a cliff into Cancellation Canyon.

One of the many civilians on board Skywatch that do contract work like cooking fish sticks and tater tots every Wednesday or unclogging the toilet after Midnighter gets through with it (look, he knows everything's secret weakness! He probably destroys every toilet bowl he sits on through sheer instinct) has been stealing Stormwatch secrets and passing them on to Martian Manhunter. J'onn is probably curious about Stormwatch because he keeps having a recurring dream that he once worked for them but nobody remembers him working for them because he erased all of their memories but then he lost his memory of working for them as well because none of that ever happened in this Magenta Timeline. Unless we're in the Black Timeline now. I told you I'm not paying close enough attention to this train wreck anymore. Anyway, that civilian's memories are erased and he's fired without pay and he probably also has to reimburse Stormwatch for any food he ate while on Skywatch. It was all right there in the fine print in the contract he signed, right next to the part where he wasn't supposed to steal any Fizzy Lifting Juice.

This issue is finally going to get to Stormwatch's plan to defeat the Crayola Timelords. They're going to meet up with Excremax the Ohmergerd and Mordak the Who? to offer to team up with them against the Crayola Timelords. I think the negotiations will involve a bunch of punching each other in the face until the Crayola Timelords arrive to fuck with time and everyone goes, "Oh hey! Let's punch those assholes in the face now!"

Looks like the meeting is off to a successful start!

Storm Control has decided to send a small group to deal with the negotiations consisting of Jenny Soul, A-I (still in The Engineer's body), Apollo, and Hellstrike. I know Hellstrike is only along as a bodyguard but do you think it's really a good idea to send a racist, homophobic asshole into a diplomatic situation? What if Excremax the Ohmergerd declares that each of the members of the diplomatic party have to cup his testicles to swear allegiance and Hellstrike declares, "I don't make deals with Nancy boys!" I guess then Apollo would melt Hellstrike's face. So maybe that's why Apollo is there!

You know, I don't like this plan at all. Just send in Midnighter. He's the guy to get the job done. Why the fuck is he being left back on Skywatch? Storm Control has no idea what he's doing.

Maybe I should discuss the battle. First let me show you the "battle" between Apollo and Mordak the Who?

Knockout in three panels! I think.

What the fuck kind of a fight scene was that? Mordak grabs Apollo! Oh no! How will Apollo get free!? Um, who the fuck knows since all we get is a close up of Apollo's face and then Mordak is split right down the middle. By the look on his face, I'd guess Apollo simply clenched his butt cheeks really hard and Mordak was destroyed.

Meanwhile Storm Control finally removes his space suit to reveal his true identity.

Maybe it's not true in the strictest meaning of the word true. Unless he actually is Martian Manhunter and not just doing a really good cosplay of him. It's hard to know what the fuck is what since the Crayola Timelords fucked with the timeline!

Back aboard Excremax the Ohmergerd's ship (it might be called Warworld unless Jim Starlin has come up with a different name for the same fucking idea he keeps having), the negotiators continue their negotiations. Back on Earth, Storm Control disguised as Martian Manhunter attempts to enter A.R.G.U.S. so that he can destroy the information that the real Martian Manhunter apparently stole. This might wind up being a Tyler Durden situation. But before any more can be revealed on Earth, Hawkman interrupts and forces the story to bounce back to the negotiations. Damn it all! Can't you finish one scene at a time, Jim Starlin?!

Apparently Excremax the Ohmergerd notices that a Crayola Timelord has traveled to Earth's distant past to destroy the human race before they ever appear. But he apparently fails, time travel being what it is, since none of the humans in Stormwatch suddenly wink out of existence. Time travel also being what it is (I'm going to keep saying that until it makes sense), Excremax and Jenny Soul travel back in time to stop the Crayola Timelord which they must do. Time travel, you know, being what it is.

Not Mordak the Where?! Mordak the Who?!

Excremax and Jenny Soul wind up in the time of dinosaurs which would be one of those eras that ends in an "ic." Maybe. Nobody actually knows. I guess the Crayola Timelord figured the easiest way to kill humans was to catch them when they're tiny and furry little burrowing mammals. Unless mankind was actually brought down to Earth as slaves for the Anunnaki. Maybe that's why the Crayola Timelord appeared so far in the Earth's past! He's going to have to battle the Anunnaki and destroy all of their slaves before they become mankind.

Stormwatch #27 Rating: No change. Fuck this issue! Lobo didn't even make an appearance! And Midnighter was benched! And Hawkman had a guest appearance? I don't think they could have gotten a worse hero to guest star! And why was he so angry at J'onn J'onzz? Oh wait. Hawkman is always angry. Never mind. I suppose I owe some reader an apology. I don't remember the reader but this person once said that he or she just stopped buying a comic book (I think it might have been Swords of Sorcery) when they found it was cancelled. I thought that was an incredibly stupid thing to do, especially if you like a comic book. Who cares if you know the story is going to stop sometime in the future? Well, now I think I know how this reader felt. Stormwatch has been falling apart for so long that now that I know it's over soon, I'm barely giving it much thought. I know I'm not going to really need to remember what's going on for the last few issues! Hell, I haven't been following what's actually going on for the previous few issues! Maybe I should just stop reading it! No, no. They can't leave Lobo out of the story entirely for two issues running. Besides, he has to extinguish the Pilot Light of the Magenta Timeline and set everything back to normal.

Stormwatch #26

Which Earth's?

I think this issue is going to give us the background on the Crayola Timelords. But I think a lot of things that aren't true. And this comic book has just sort of been throwing plot points at the wall to see if any of them are done. Most of them have not been done and wind up sliding down behind the stove to be forgotten. So I'm not even going to try to remember what the fuck has been happening. The main thing to remember is that Lobo has been trying to put out the universe's pilot light while the Crayola Timelords watch and shrug their Red-Orange shoulders. Or Orange-red. I forget which one of those was my favorite Crayola Crayon!

I wonder how much acid Jim Starlin dropped while writing this issue?

I miss doing acid and mushrooms. I bet they would make writing this blog interminable! You'd probably get commentaries that go on for hundreds of paragraphs as they continuously spiral around the same set of words that I've suddenly become fascinated by typing. The last time I did mushrooms was about ten or eleven years ago by myself and they weren't very potent. I watched Run Lola Run and played some Wizardry 8. I had not mind-blowing experiences. I did not see Gumby and nearly die from laughter, nor did I meet Data from Star Trek's look-a-like. The Data experience was one of the saddest moments in my entire life when I realized the truly horrible weight that existence puts on even the most perky and upbeat of us.

My friend Mike and I used to drop acid or eat mushrooms and spend the day at Great America Amusement Park in Santa Clara, California. One time in line for that stupid Viking ship that swings back and forth while everyone sits staring at each other with stupid grins on their faces expecting a fuck-load more excitement than is actually delivered, we saw a guy a few lines over that was nearly the spitting image of Data. Not Brent Spiner. Data. He had the sallow skin with the odd, painted or greasy texture that I always imagine Data's skin must have. Our friend Brad decided to go up to him and ask for a picture. We couldn't hear him as he talked to the Data look-a-like but you could see the moment of recognition in Data's eyes as Brad got the message across. His shoulders began to sag, his expression changed to despair and resignation, and a dead pall dropped down across his eyes. All of the happiness and exuberance that had been on display before Brad interrupted him drained away into the aether. He looked up for the camera without a smile and...and this is the part that crushed my entire outlook on the future and any optimism I had left that the universe was not a harsh, unrelenting destroyer of hope...he slowly, as if his arms were weighted with the decaying dreams of all parents who have lost their babies to randomness and disease, raised up one hand to display the Vulcan Salute. I have no idea what may have happened to that photograph that Brad took. I, for one, have never seen it nor been inclined to seek it out. I can only imagine that it holds a Ring-like Curse for whoever views it, causing their death to unfold in exactly seven days after looking at the image.

Man, acid was the best!

So Stormwatch has traveled far out in space so that they can learn the truth of the Crayola Timelords. I suppose A-I had to get them really, really far away from every other living thing so that nobody could overhear the truest truths of who they are. The Shadow Lords agree that this is the best course of action because nobody actually cares what happens to this Earth. It's probably Earth Wildstorm and DC is finally just throwing in the towel on the Wildstorm characters. I hope Grifter makes a return written by Charles Soule so that my head can explode as I suddenly find myself loving the character!

I still have to wonder if Milligan was going to make the Shadow Lords turn out to be Planetary. Now we'll never know! Unless somebody asks him!

I just asked him! Although it was via a submit box on his website that didn't take any of my information. So I don't know who he's going to answer me! But I can't worry about that. What do I know about technology? Maybe Peter Milligan will respond directly into my mindscape! I hope he doesn't do that because then I won't have any idea if I imagined it or it was a real response. Oh well, if I randomly believe that he answered me later, I'll let you guys know what he said!

Meanwhile, Apollo has a nice dream about how he met Midnighter. Or bad dream. Nice nightmare? Anyway, he wakes up with a start and provides one of the most scandalous pictures I've ever seen in a DC comic book.

Seriously? Lavender bedding? Midnighter and Apollo, I am fucking shocked and appalled.

Midnighter and Apollo have a touching moment of shared insecurities before they're called on to be productive members of Stormwatch as opposed to the lazy layabouts they usually are. What is this? Their honeymoon vacation in the Magenta Timeline? I wonder what's going to become of these guys once this book is cancelled. Will this whole Crayola Timelords Universe just cease to exist? What other comic book would be most likely to feature these guys? Because, really, I can give or take Stormwatch since DC seems to want to concentrate on throwing the gigantic cosmic crises at Justice League. But I'll miss these guys if they don't find another place to crash.

I'll probably miss Jenny Quantum too but I'm already missing her because we've got this imposter Jenny Soul to deal with right now! You know who else I miss? Jack Hawksmoor!

A-I informs Stormwatch that the Crayola Timelords are just a bunch of Luddites trying to mold at least one other race in the universe into beings like them. I suppose playing Bridge against other people that are part of your "Kollective" kind of takes out the surprise of your opponent's plays. So they need another race of aliens that will be able to manipulate time and space as well. Which just seems dangerous to me. You don't want anybody but yourself being able to change time or you're going to be pretty well fucked. Just look at the movie Primer!

Meanwhile, The Frog Navigator tries to give Lobo an attitude adjustment so he'll stop being so violent and erratic! See how he throws glasses? Look at him use the harsh words, "Fat chance!" I'm starting to suspect this isn't the guy that has committed genocide against several alien races. Perhaps Twat Lobo is the real Lobo!

"You'll feel much happier once you accept that you're a prisoner and not a slave. World of difference, 'Bo Bro!"

As Midnighter and Apollo explore another planet, A-I begins to speak of the Crayola Timelords as if they're religious fundamentalists. A-I points out how all of their beliefs are ignorant and harmful unlike A-I's beliefs which are the best because they're backed by computers and scientific theory! How ridiculous! How can science save your soul?! How can theory based on evidence be better than belief and faith?! Seriously, do you want to live forever or understand the workings of the universe? Your pick!

What? Fundamentalists are destroying the human race with their ignorance?! Ludicrous! How can a bunch of people that believe in an everlasting life in a faraway place and that the end times are nigh be a threat to our existence?!

Back in Earth Orbit, Mordak and Excremax the Ohmergerd decide to wait and see what Stormwatch does next. That's not a bad plan because if they wait long enough (four issues to be exact!), the problem will take care of itself!

Over in the Crayola Timelords' dimension, they have come to a decision. It's the decision they always eventually come to. They can never actually tackle their problems head on, so this is what they always do: go back in time and change the past. Can't deal with Jenny Soul being able to kill them? Go back in time and destroy the Earth before Jenny Soul is ever born. Problem solved!

Stormwatch #26 Rating: +1 Ranking. I don't know that the story in this issue actually jives with the stories in previous issues but I'm not willing to spend any more time thinking about the cohesiveness of this comic book's plotlines. This issue, standing alone, away from its peers, way out in the Magenta Timeline, tells a decent enough story and presents a nice conflict for Stormwatch to try and resolve. Sure, some of the players in the story had to just stand around waiting for next issue when something will actually happen. But that's because Jim Starlin might have created too many issues that he wasn't totally sure what to do with previously. But I think it's all coming together nicely for a big end of the Magenta Earth Extravaganza! Although Lobo was, once again, disappointing.

Stormwatch #25

Who the fuck is Mordak? What happened to Excremax the Ohmergerd and The Crayola Timelords?!

Last issue, Stormwatch was being coerced into helping some creature called A-I. The creature wanted them to make friends with Excremax the Ohmergerd so that they could combine forces while putting Jenny Soul at great risk to defeat the Crayola Timelords. Although the Crayola Timelords could just keep changing the timeline until they weren't defeated. Right?

I guess Jim Starlin knew that everybody would be asking the same question I asked after seeing this cover, "Who the fuck is Mordak?", because this issue begins with this panel:

So can we forget about Excremax making an appearance? Are we just dealing with Mordak now? Not that I mind! All these weird aliens are all the same to me! Call them whatever you want! I'll just type "the antagonist" anyway!

A-I tells Stormwatch the plan and, I admit it, I'm too stupid and/or uninterested to really comprehend it. The gist of it is that they must fight Mordak on Earth and take the final piece of the artifact from his dead hands. And once they've killed Excremax's right hand man and stolen what was rightfully Excremax's artifact, they'll be able to befriend Excremax!

You know what? After stating the plan, I hope I really don't understand it because it's stupid.

Stormwatch actually just stakes out Mordak until he locates the object. Then it becomes a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World race to retrieve it. Actually, The Weird rushes off to nab it while the rest of Stormwatch remains behind to lay some Dick Dastardlyesque traps to slow Mordak down.

It's then that A-I sets off a bomb that cuts communication between Mordak and Warworld that I finally understand the plan. I guess I didn't realize that the new Shaman was called "X" and that he was creating portals for teleportation as opposed to the old Door system that Stormwatch was using. X teleported onto the ship and dropped a bomb near the arrays that keep Warworld in contact with Mordak. Now they've disabled that contact and are free to beat the shit out of Mordak while retaining plausible deniability when they deal with Excremax.

Now that I've finally gotten past my idiocy and figured out the first few pages, it's time for a gigantic fist fight where Lobo winds up making his last stand.

Um. I hope that's not it.

After the rest of Stormwatch begins to fall, Lobo regenerates and sees his chance to ditch these losers. It's okay for him to flee this battle because he didn't sign any contracts or give his word or accept any money to deal with this shit. They just drafted his ass and threw him into the group. Hopefully he'll get away so he can destroy Twat Lobo in his very own New 52 comic book written by Alan Grant and drawn by Simon Bisley. Oh wait! I already have issues of that comic book lying around here. I think I'll go read that and pretend they're part of The New 52.

The Midnighter hasn't shown his face yet, so I'm guessing he's watching the battle and learning all of Mordak's weaknesses. Once Apollo falls, Midnighter will rush in and poke out Mordak's eyes while kicking him in the balls and shoving a Redwood up his ass. His own ass, not Mordak's. For motivation!

Meanwhile, The Weird successfully completes his task. I don't know what Jenny Soul is up to.

Oh wait. Jenny Soul arrives to spearhead the exit protocol. Judging by the way she takes out Mordak with one Soulblast, I think she should have simply been Plan A. Also, she should just be teleported in front of Excremax the Ohmergerd to take him out too. She already killed a few Crayola Timelords which nobody has ever done ever! The rest of the crew should just hang out baking cookies while she does all the work.

Really? Midnighter was just working cleanup? What a waste of talent.

That bit with A-I mentioning the political connotations of the phrase "Mission Accomplished" doesn't fit in this story at all. It's just Jim Starlin shoving his own self into the story to make some kind of comment that he wants to make. Why would A-I even consider that? It might not even mean anything in this color timeline (Ebony? Magenta?)! And besides, "Mission Accomplished" only has negative connotations when you proclaim it with grand celebration while the mission continues on for another decade. If you actually have accomplished the mission, go ahead and fucking say it.

Meanwhile there is a short scene with a bunch of human maintenance people fucking around on board Skywatch while earning double pay. I don't know where they're ever going to spend it. Perhaps there's a place like Macross City in the middle of Skywatch. One of the Maintenance People is acting shifty and accessing panels he shouldn't be accessing. I bet he's a spy!

Before the issue ends with A-I telling Stormwatch that it's finally going to be really fucking honest with them about The Crayola Timelords, Stormwatch rushes out to collect Lobo.

Is "triple crapola" Lobo's new catchphrase?

Stormwatch #25 Rating: No change. I feel like this book should be more exciting than it is. The threats don't loom large. The battles don't scale well especially against Mordak and his men this issue. Stormwatch members just fall for nearly no explanation except that Mordak is really fucking powerful! He must be since Apollo is the most powerful foe he's fought and he still beat him easy. This title is simply missing any kind of lure. I really want to like it! I really want Lobo to be fun and cool and a big jerko. But it's just been disappointing lately.

My favorite moment? A-I telling Storm Control that they have to lie low so they can't save the natives on the island that Mordak has landed on and Storm Control merely shrugging his shoulders and saying, "You're running the show, A-I!" Although it makes me think A-I doesn't really understand Stormwatch if it actually thinks Stormwatch fucking cares about collateral damage.

Stormwatch #24

More like "Rise of Excremax," amirite?

I bet Jim Starlin thought up Extremax back in the nineties but then couldn't figure out how to write him into whatever the fuck Jim Starlin was writing in the nineties. And then the wave of really stupid fucking names that had to show how bloody and deathy and extreme all the characters were ended. Jim Starlin spent the next fifteen years punching himself in the balls and crying out, "Why God? Why?! When will I ever be able to introduce Extremax to the comic book adoring public?!" Finally one day when he was punching himself in the genitalia a few extra times for good measure, he got the call from DC Comics. "How would you like to be the new writer on Stormwatch?!" And just like that, Jim Starlin flipped off God for never coming through and leaving Jim Starlin to work out how to receive a call from DC to write a comic book with ties to the era in which a character as extreme as Extremax could be introduced! And now, comic book lovers everywhere, rejoice in the appearance of...I don't know, some time-manipulating Galactus character thing.

Last issue, The Engineer was possessed by some creature named A-I to bring Stormwatch the good word. So once again, The Engineer becomes possessed. You'd think she'd have some kind of super nano-firewall to stop this kind of shit from happening. Even though A-I said her message was one that would help save the Earth, Midnighter does the right thing and tries to kill her. That's when she knocks him out so he can become unconscious and remember how he met Apollo aboard the Daemonite (or Owl) spaceship where they were both experimented on and given their powers.

EXTREMAX THE OMEGA! Even better!

It turns out that Angie is okay and she doesn't mind being used as a mouthpiece for A-I. Excremax the Ohmergerd is a super powerful omnipotent deity with technology greater than that of the Shadowlords. What an omnipotent deity needs with technology is beyond me but what do I know? I'm still trying to figure out what color timeline we're all really living in. I think we're in the Chartreuse Timeline. A-I decides to tell the Origin Story of Excremax the Ohmergerd because he wasn't always the "astral dynamo he is today." I suppose I shouldn't have taken her "omnipotent deity" so strictly since she was just using them as comparatives to Stormwatch's power. I should probably not have skipped every class discussion on metaphor or simile during my educational career. But who could resist saying "It's like I'm there!" while drinking in the morning on some beach instead of sitting in a class learning what the fuck similes and metaphors are used for. I think I do just fine taking every word everybody utters literally.

A-I tells of a self-made man that pulled himself up by his bootstraps through his own intelligence, hard work, and talents. But now that I know not to take every word people say literally, I think this is an analogy if not an outright lie! She might as well be quoting a bullshit Horatio Alger novel. At one point, a child that began doing the most dangerous work in the company somehow comes to own that company. Yes, that's usually what happens. If you work your way up the corporate ladder, you eventually simply become owner of the corporation! Anything can happen if you just keep working hard and never give up! What pluck and determination! What stick-to-itiveness! What self-motivation! Excremax the Ohmergerd truly is an example for all Americans! And since Americans are the great example of everybody else on Earth, Excremax is an example to us all. Every one of us! You can pull yourself up by your own bootstraps without anybody else's help! Everybody in a position of power, everybody with any wealth, everybody living a life of even minor luxuries: they all did it themselves!

Hey, nobody said you had to do it while being a morally chaste stick in the mud! Lesson #1 on being successful: "You've got to break the rules to make the rules!" It also helps if Crayola Timelords fuck with the time stream to bring about the timeline in which you strike it rich.

Excremax the Ohmergerd has been growing in power for fifty thousand years. He has replaced his body countless times. And he flies about the universe on the greatest battle cruiser ever developed! Warworld!

Oops. I mean, Alcazar Astral! I was thinking of Jim Starlin's DC Comics Presents story about the universe's most powerful ship which also goes about robbing planets of their resources to fuel its journey. You know, the one he repurposed for Mongul #1 and isn't anything like the Alcazar Astral. Sorry about the confusion!

A-I estimates that sixty billion people have died due to Excremax's lifestyle. Across 50,000 years? That's not so bad! That's a mere 1.2 million people per year! That's practically nothing! I say, "Leave him be!"

After a minor break where Apollo punches Lobo through the wall because all of this explication wasn't resulting in any kind of comic book violence whatsoever, A-I mentions that Excremax the Ohmergerd was doing quite well until three hundred years ago when he met The Crayola Timelords.

So the Crayola Timelords are Luddites that can change time? Why don't they just change time to eliminate this guy if he's such a thorn in their fiery heads?

Perhaps we'll soon find out that the Crayola Timelords changed time to bring about the perfect version of Stormwatch to defeat Excremax! I wonder if Twat Lobo will arrive on the scene or if he's in the normal colored timeline where the other New 52 books are located.

A-I continues her blah blah blah because Jim Starlin has apparently figured out his next story but he needed a full issue worth of set-up to tie everything together. What it essentially comes down to is everybody is after the final piece of a powerful and ancient artifact which is located on Earth. Excremax has a piece. The Kollective have a piece. And now A-I wants a piece so that she has some leverage between the two asshole cosmic forces.

Meanwhile, Lobo doesn't seem to mind that he was thrown through a wall earlier. Why should he? He's just a raving lunatic asshole that likes nothing better than to throw punches, drink, swear, and kill. I guess sometimes he likes to lie low and listen to lectures as well.

This issue is almost over and Stormwatch has not quite fallen yet. Actually, they've done nothing but listen to the story of Excrmax the Ohmergerd. Although Excremax finally does appear in his ship, Alcazar Astral which is bigger than Earth's moon. But nobody on Earth notices and the physical laws of gravity are being defied because Excremax is traveling in STEALTH MODE!

After telling her long story, A-I tells Stormwatch that Excremax isn't the problem. The Crayola Timelords are. They're going to destroy Earth to get the artifact and Stormwatch's only hope is joining with Excremax. But those negotiations will have to happen next issue because A-I talked the fuck out of this one. And not in an entertaining way! More like a second grade teacher boringly telling his students lies about the pilgrims first meeting with the Native Americans. Although this issue did result in the best drawing of Aquaman ever!

You know what? It's not quite as derpy when seen this large. Whatever.

Stormwatch #24 Rating: -2 Ranking. This issue was simply boring. It felt like Jim Starlin changed direction on his Crayola Timelord's motivations and then decided he wanted to add Warworld to The Ebony Timeline. Well, mission accomplished! But it wasn't executed very successfully.

Stormwatch #23

Did Jenny Soul decide it was against her little girl beliefs to battle the Purple Pony People?

Whenever I read Stormwatch now that the cover has changed and Jim Starlin has taken over, I always expect Magic Trolley to come ding dinging through my room for our little trip into The Land of Make Believe. Since they're in a reality that was changed by The Crayola Time Lords, it's been set apart from The New 52 in much the same way that Wildstorm was set apart before Flashpoint. Sure, Stormwatch now gets to interact with the DC characters but they're no longer the DC characters from the other titles on the shelf. These are the DC characters of The Ebony Timeline! I think Lobo has an important role to play in Stormwatch's future transition from The Ebony Timeline and back to The New 52. That's not just a random belief that popped into my head which I decided must be as good as any other belief since I was able to think it up. It's based on that part of the story where Lobo was trying to extinguish the light of the universe. That was during The Magenta Timeline which was different somehow.

Stormwatch failed to save The Magenta Timeline last issue but who the fuck cares, really? What they really failed to do was stop The Crayola Timelords from genociding two races of alien creatures. Both races were annoying as all fuck but I suppose that isn't actually a good enough reason to kill them all. Although I can't think of a better one. But even though they failed and Hellstrike is a bigoted shit, Midnighter and Apollo decided to stick around. It's a good thing they did because they're the keystone to Stormwatch's whatever architectural structure uses keystones!

Except for saying, "Hi! My name is Midnighter!", this is an awful lot like a Tott Dedell opening!

Apparently The Midnighter's life has been dark. But it's gotten brighter since he met the light of his life, Apollo! Does that mean that Apollo's life is now being eclipsed by his association with Midnighter? Or will Apollo outshine Midnighter? Can they ever truly find balance together? I suppose if you want to be not cynical about it (but why would you choose that method of thinking?), they complement each other. They also probably compliment each other but only in private moments that will never be explored in a mainstream comic book. It might be acceptable to see smoky black and white pictures of Kate Kane and Maggie Sawyer sexing it up in bed because mainstream comic books are ultimately for the straight male gaze and straight males love seeing lesbians together for some reason. Maybe because they know right from the get go that they'll be rejected by them, so they know their poor nice guy feelings will never get hurt by them. Or maybe it's just because four boobies! But because that's the gaze comic books are turned toward, I doubt you'll ever get the same kind of lusty, sexy pictures of Apollo and Midnighter together in a men's restroom at the rest stop on I-90 just east of Rapid City. I mean, in bed.

Next time you're with a bunch of friends and they're doing that stupid "in bed" thing with fortune cookies, you should add "in a men's restroom at the rest stop on I-90 just east of Rapid City" instead. It'll probably be funnier. Although a bit insensitive because it relies on a vicious stereotype of rest stop bathrooms.

I don't think this Purple Pony Person is entirely aware of his violent actions. He looks like he'd rather have a hug and a candy bar than be battling Stormwatch.

Because the Purple Pony People don't seem to be the experts on war they probably like to think they are, Midnighter has time to think about his secret origin as he stabs them in the throat. He remembers how he was abducted from a field in Kosovo by aliens who kept him for years and turned him into Midnighter.

The owls are not what they seem. Unless they seem to be aliens. Then they're exactly what they seem.

This is the exact same thing that happened to Scully's father, Major Briggs! I think I might be mixing up my television shows. I guess as long as I don't begin thinking Jack Tripper was in Deadwood or The Fonz was part of The Wire, I'm not totally losing it.

Lobo and Midnighter manage to leave one Purple Pony Person alive so that they can send them back to their Corporate Overlords with a warning not to fuck with Earth anymore. Go steal water from some other stupid planet, jerks!

Well that explains why this Purple Pony Person looked like he was going to burst into tears earlier.

Afterward, Hellstrike gives his debriefing on the mission.

Are you fucking kidding me? Midnighter had better gut this puss at some point.

I have a feeling Apollo will end up being the one to put a pretty severe beatdown on Hellstrike and Midnighter will have to pull him off of him before he kills him. Because Midnighter is the expert at reading people and he probably sees that Hellstrike is a self-hating, closeted homosexual. They're usually the most bigoted against homosexuals. They're also usually religious for some strange reason. Hmm, do you think those things have any connection? When somebody believes that being gay is a choice and they lead a movement to "straighten out" gays and lesbians, you can be pretty sure that that person is a self-hating homosexual. Because the main reason you would be convinced that being gay is a choice is if you are gay and are taught that being gay is wrong and you force yourself to "choose" heterosexuality. Then you believe that you've made the "proper choice", so why can't other people? I feel the same way when people ask me how somebody can know right from wrong without a religious text. I have to believe those people are sociopaths since they can't understand how empathy drives a person's ethical and moral decisions. They need rules because they don't have empathy which means they're a sociopath. I'm looking at my high school friend Soy Rakelson here! I've never thrown vegetables at pedestrians while driving around town while also following God's law. But to be fair to Soy, The Bible doesn't explicitly say throwing vegetables at people is wrong. "Let he who is without sin throw the first carrot."

Later the Teeny Tiny Leader, Storm Control, daydreams about the day his brain was inserted into his head by Cyclopean Robots. I'm not sure how he remembers looking out of the eyes of the body the brain was put into before the brain was put into the body but I'm also not a biologist! I'm just a stupid fuck reading comic books and being mean.

Storm Control finally lets the other members of Stormwatch know that before The Magenta Timeline, there was a New 52 Timeline that now never existed. Lobo doesn't give a shit but he should since he was killed off by Rob Liefeld in that timeline! Although most of Liefeld's stuff has been ignored and redacted by later stories, so I'm pretty sure Lobo is still okay. Besides, he was only blown up and believed dead by Deathstroke. Lobo has survived worse.

Storm Control has one thing wrong though: the other Stormwatch does still exist! Since all timelines and all possibilities exist, they're still out there ready to interact with Grifter or Voodoo or Team 7. Oh wait. Those timelines don't exist anymore. Stormwatch really shouldn't give a second thought to other timelines. It will only cause a mental breakdown and then cause you to go back in time and steal Superman's baby and create a clone that will bring back your baby. I'd rather just shrug my shoulders and think, "I didn't fail in some other timeline, so why should I bother in this one? If all possibilities exist, I have to be a failure in some of them!" And that's why I'm content with my life!

While Stormwatch wonders why they aren't being wiped out again (as if they'd know!), The Crayola Time Lords are considering trashing their new Ebony Timeline for a Burnt Sienna Timeline. But now they're afraid to do it since the last change created Jenny Soul who killed some of them. Now they don't fit snugly into their box of 64 and they rattle around everywhere they go. They're afraid that if they try again, they'll create somebody even more dangerous than Jenny Soul. It's too bad they can't start over with themselves inside the restarted system so they could get their three lost friends back. So sad.

Storm Control has follow up meetings with one of the Shadow Lords and then with Xiomar, the new Shaman. That's when I learn that the Teeny Tiny Leader isn't Teeny Tiny; the Shadow Lords are Biggy Big. So I should probably try to remember that the leader's name is Storm Control. It helps that he has to keep reminding Xiomar to call him that. And finally The Engineer is taken over by a friendly artificial intelligence that brings them a warning that will help them save Earth. But that story won't take place for two months. I think next month's Stormwatch will be a Lobo story.

Stormwatch #23 Rating: No change. Stormwatch got to pat themselves on the back this issue by performing a second mission successfully although this second mission seems to have been picked because it was no trouble. I think the Purple Pony People will be back again. The rest of the issue was taken up by talk about the Crayola Time Lords and Xiomar's power which is redundant since it does nearly exactly what Stormwatch's Gate system does. It's probably a good thing to have a backup escape plan though. All in all, not a bad issue but not really very exciting either.