Justice League of America #1

Lobo tries to catch Ryan so he can shove him in his urethra.

• Now that Batman has his own Justice League of B-list heroes (and Lobo!), he gets to make the rules. He was tired of Superman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Green Lantern, and Cyborg thinking his rules were just "suggestions." And no, I didn't forget to leave Aquaman off that list. Fuck Aquaman.

• Now that I've said "Fuck Aquaman" (again), I have to wonder if Aquaman wasn't the entire reason Batman moved on to form his own Justice League. As the leader of the Justice League of America, he gets to recruit the members which ensures that no useless, fishy heroes will embarrass and dilute the brand.

• This issue begins with Batman justifying his new League to Vixen. "The Justice League watches from above. That's not good enough anymore. The crime needs to be spotted from below! And at eye level! That means regular people! Common folk, like gays and blacks and women and migrants and super cool bad-ass alien assassins. I'm the only straight white American-born guy on this team so nobody will outshine me!" Vixen listens and channels whatever animal is best at side-eye. Probably a housecat, right?

Stop exaggerating for dramatic effect, Vixen! You know the only people causing problems on the team are Killer Frost and Lobo.

• If I take Vixen's statement literally, I have to assume that The Atom is a homophobe, Vixen is a Hong Konger hater, Killer Frost is racist, Black Canary hates men, and The Ray keeps rubbing his boner on Lobo. Fine, I don't have to assume all of that! But I'd like to.

• Batman is all, "People need to see heroes are human! That's why I created this team!" Then he scoots in front of Lobo and opens his cape wide so Vixen can't see him. "See? Humans!"

• While Batman and Vixen discuss the philosophy of the team, Black Canary and The Ray are rescuing people from a burning building in Vanity, Oregon.

Batman just got done discussing how these heroes are human and here's one of the most human of them jumping out of a second story window clutching two people in her arms. I guess her Canary Cry helps with landing safely?

• Lobo is off on his own rescuing dolphins from magma sea trolls because, as I pointed out in my last review, he loves dolphins. Technically, does this make him the Aquaman of the group? If so, Aquaman should just retire forever.

• Frost and Atom are busy fixing up The Sanctuary in Happy Harbor. They're working on something Ryan terribly named The Troubalert. Get it?!

• While all of that other shit is going on, the team's first main threat appears in Saratoga, New York. And this threat isn't just a bunch of chumps! They took down the Post-Crisis Justice League International! Although, to be fair, a bunch of chumps probably could have taken down the Post-Crisis Justice League International.

The Extremists!

• Lord Havok announces that he and his crew have come to save Earth before it burns like his Earth. Some police immediately pull up, profile them as super-villains, and pull their guns. What kind of a welcome is that? Peace officers, my ass!

• After reading a couple more pages, I should probably apologize to the police officers and my ass. The Extremists idea of "saving the world" seems to be that one where they destroy everything and kill everybody before they can do it to themselves. It's not the greatest interpretation of the definition of the word "save," but at least it makes for an exciting comic book.

Lord Havok isn't saying anything I haven't already said in this blog. It's just that I don't burn down a city every time I publish another blog post.

• Lord Havok and I differ on our reactions to the reality that civilization is constantly just one step away from chaos. He sees it through the eyes of fear, the way a lot of American citizens see it. Too much freedom leads to too many possible chances for bad people to do violent things. I see it through the eyes of a cheerful optimist who thinks, "I could stab my neighbor in the face any time I want but I don't. And even more likely, he won't do it to me. I can live with this agreement."

• The Extremists have decided the only way to save Earth is to rule it themselves. That sounds like maybe they're not really too concerned about the Earth and maybe just a teensy bit more concerned with power.

• Thankfully, the Justice League arrives so I can make a stupid joke!

Especially if they're metric!

• The big fight doesn't start after Vixen has her say. Batman has to mouth off first! He's all, "I'm the Batman!" No wait. He doesn't say that this time. I guess that's too cliché, especially when the bad guy directly asks, "Who are you?" After that, the big fight starts! There are so many different characters that it might last six issues.

• According to the big first panel splash of the battle, Lobo is going against Gorgon. That's the only fight I care about. Hopefully it doesn't take place behind a bar and then Lobo's hand appears to grab a cigar and to indicate who won.

• The fight ends abruptly just as Lord Havok is about to decapitate The Atom. Batman calls a halt to it and trades his life for Ryan's. Not that Batman gets decapitated at the end of this issue. That probably won't happen until the beginning of the next one.

The Ranking!
Plus a jizzillion! That's as many pluses as there are sperm in one spurt of semen. Maybe a few less because Lobo wasn't the focus of this issue. But he was still in it so this is still the best comic book your money can buy. Also, this was one of those issues where the name of the story appears on the last page and I'm glad it did. This story was called "The Extremists" and that would have spoiled the surprise for me when I turned the page to see Lord Havok and the gang standing there.

Detective Comics #946

Batman is now responsible for everybody he couldn't save.

The Review
At one point in this issue, Spoiler discusses her misgivings about being a superhero with a programmed bit of Clayface that looks and acts like Tim Drake. This is part of what she says:

I fucking hate this with all of my comic book loving heart.

I don't know exactly where the blame falls for comic books entering a modern era where everybody had to deconstruct what they mean or where writers decided to discuss real world consequences of having superheroes and super-villains. But whoever is to blame, they fucking broke the magic of superhero comic books. I'm not saying some remarkable stories didn't come out of that perspective. But it paved the way for lazy writers to merely write stories where the villains sole reason for existing was to defeat the bad guy. Sure, there was probably quite a bit of this previously but that was before the change in perspective of viewing heroes and the normal people around them as if they were real. It was a naive landscape where The Joker could go after the Batman simply for the sake of going after the Batman because he wasn't murdering thousands of residents of Gotham every time he attacked. No when The Joker attacks Gotham simply to punish Batman, the audience can't escape the question: would Gotham be safer without Batman? That's a question that should never have to be asked in comic books. We shouldn't be delving into the idea that superheroes cause more harm than good because at that moment, the entire reason for superheroes ceases to exist.

When you have story after story of a villain attacking Superman or Wonder Woman or The Flash or Batman or The Teen Titans simply because they have a vendetta against them, all collateral damage and innocent lives lost can, arguably, be blamed on the hero. Every time Superman is manipulated by a villain to do evil, Superman becomes a threat rather than an inspiration. Years of lazy writers who couldn't be bothered to come up with a criminal motivation for the super-villain and instead simply had the villain target the hero created the next generation of writers asking the question, "Why aren't more people angry that proximity to superheroes causes death and destruction?" Now heroes have to constantly be proving that they make things at least 51% safer than if they weren't there as opposed to what they once were: simply heroes that people were inspired by and whom people trusted and who fucking, quite simply, made the world a better place.

Fuck this bullshit that heroes are responsible for the death and destruction caused by villains. And here's the worst thing: I can't say that they aren't responsible! Of course the Teen Titans made New York an unsafe city because every fucking time the Fearsome Five or the Brotherhood of Evil or Deathstork showed up causing death and destruction it was because they were trying to kill the Teen Titans. Lazy comic book writers have made it so I can't enjoy a fucking Teen Titans book where Councilwoman Alderman is wrong to want them out of the city! She's a fucking asshole who is written to be an asshole and a villain but she's got a fucking point!. Give me back my heroic heroes who never allow themselves to be the reason for death and destruction. Make your fucking heroes heroic again, DC Comics.

What I'm saying is the heroes should never have to slow the fuck down long enough to ask themselves if what they're doing actually helps! Goddammit. It should be obvious. Make it obvious, you pricks.

Spoiler returns to the Bat-family after her philosophical musings with fake Red Robin. She stops them from sending the Victim Syndicate to the police after they've defeated them all because she has a few things to say about Batman and the world he's created. Oh boy. I can hardly fucking wait.

The Ranking!
No change! Batman still doesn't know exactly who the First Victim is but does it really matter to Batman? To him, the real First Victim, the one he couldn't save but always blames himself for, is his Mother. Definitely not his Father because his Father should have fucking saved his Mother, the creep.

Green Lanterns #10

If this is what happens when you wear it, why isn't the Phantom Ring the Rainbow Ring?

Last issue was Issue #9. I don't think I read it because I can't remember anything interesting about it.

This issue begins with some guy I've never seen before threatening a woman in Dearborn, Michigan. I feel like if I turn the page, I'm going to completely forget everything about it because this guy is fucking boring. So nondescript! I guess I just described him as boring so he's semi-descript. But mostly, there's nothing remarkable about him and nothing much to say. Totally forgettable. I don't even know why he's in this comic book.

Nearby, Simon Baz has put on the Phantom Ring and now he's cycling from one emotion to the next. I just realized that Geoff Johns totally screwed up. Each emotion should begin with a letter of the word rainbow. I mean, he came close! But as it stands, it spells R-A-F-C-H-L-W! I bet he had planned on doing that which is why it starts out correctly. But then he just gave up because how many emotions begin with an "I"? Like none, probably! Is "itchy" an emotion?

Rami the Hobo Guardian explains to Simon Baz that nobody should ever wear the ring he created. Well maybe he shouldn't have created it then! Or maybe he should have destroyed it. He flew all the way across the universe to dump it on Hal Jordan. He couldn't think to toss it in a black hole on the way over? Oh wait. Black holes in the DC Universe tend to be portals to other DC Universes instead of just super dense points in space that lead nowhere but to destruction. I guess he had to bring it to Earth to cause trouble! Although he probably could have kept quiet about it so that every alien in the universe wasn't looking for it. I bet he couldn't help bragging about it down at the local bar because there was a cute server he had a crush on and he kept having to tell him how he was forging this super powerful cosmic ring and maybe he'd like to come round his apartment to check it out sometime?

No you won't. What the fuck does the rest of this country think Portland looks like? A fucking Dr. Seuss book?!

I added Jessica's eyeballs because she looks creepy without them. Sometimes she has them and sometimes she doesn't. I guess it depends on how manipulative she's trying to be emotionally.

Simon and Jessica decide to spend a few pages on interior monologues while they rescue a neighbor from a house fire. I don't know how the fire started. Total mystery. Anyway, by the end of their monologues, both of them have decided that maybe they should trade out their Green Lantern ring for the Phantom Ring. What a great premise for a story! A ring that everybody must have and nobody is willing to destroy it even though it's too powerful!

While Jess and Si are out thinking stuff, some new guy sneaks into the house to steal the Phantom Ring.

I wonder what this guy's story is?

This guy Francis puts on the Phantom Ring and recites the second lamest Green Lantern Oath I've ever heard after the original. This guy is backed by Volthoom who taught him the rhyme. I guess the rhyme helps him control the Phantom Ring. Or else it's all the training he claims he's done to earn a regular Green Lantern ring. He seems really jump though so I guess that's why he was never chosen. Just to make sure readers realize he can't overcome great fear, he nearly jumps out of his skin when Simon's brother-in-law attacks him with an axe.

I'm not sure what happens but suddenly there's this guy in a Yellow Lantern costume in Nazir's kitchen. Where'd he come from?! He tortures Nazir with some scary light constructs before fleeing with Volthoom. Meanwhile, Sam Humphries does his part to show how representation totally matters. Especially when you write an example into your comic book.

No you can't. They don't recruit redheads.

I know Guy Gardner is a redhead! You don't think I don't know that?! It was a dumb joke! Sheesh. I can't be completely hilarious 5000% of the time! Sometimes I have to write some hacky material! It's just part of the process.

Simon and Jessica see a green streak race through the sky and wonder who it is.

I'm also wondering who it is. Where did this guy come from? And what's he doing with Rami?! Why spring him on the reader on the last page like this?!

The Ranking!
-1! I don't like the way this story is being told. It's just not for me. It's not my style! And so, I am dropping it from my reading list.

Green Lanterns #5

Can DC Comics please retire Atrocitus already?

The Review!
I'm not a fan of this comic book. It's all idea and no substance. The idea is to have two rookie Green Lanterns learn to overcome their flaws so they can save the world. Also they're quite different but they're also quite alike! And by learning to work together and lean on each other, they'll have the strength to be greater together than they ever could be alone! It would be nice though, being a comic book, if the pictures and words would work together. Maybe that's on purpose! The art and writing are like Jess and Si! They need to learn to integrate so that they can protect the world from unholy monsters like me! Now if I could just convince myself that that was the plan, maybe I could be happy about this series.

The Commentary!
Do comic book writers ever consider why they're bringing a specific villain into the series or are they just ticking the boxes on their run of a certain title? "I've got Aquaman so, of course, I'm going to need a Black Manta story. Just have him come int to try to kill Aquaman because, well, he hates him! Then maybe I'll do a Trouble is Brewing in Atlantis story about how people are disgruntled with a land dweller ruling them! I think I can drag that out about six issues because that's how long I'm supposed to make each story for corporate reasons that have nothing to do with the writing process. Then maybe I can bring back Ocean Master because his confidence will be up in the wake of the Atlantis trouble and because he hates Aquaman. After that, maybe there will be some conflict between the land and the sea because they mistrust each other. After that, I should probably do some environmental stuff because the king of the ocean needs to keep reminding people not to throw garbage in the ocean. Then if nobody is really paying attention because this is just another typical run of Aquaman, maybe I can sneak in my erotic story of forbidden love between Garth and a dolphin." That makes it feel like I'm picking on Dan Abnett when I'm really just picking on most writers in general. Aquaman is actually doing fine right now! But Green Lanterns? I don't know, man! I just don't know! Why are Atrocitus and the Red Lanterns the villains? Is it because we need to see Simon is angry at how he's been mistreated for being a Muslim American? Or how Jessica is angry because she never wanted to leave her apartment and now look: she's in space! Or did Sam Humphries just decide this was a good place to discuss how angry the entire world is?

I would like to point out that if you don't watch the news and you avoid Twitter and comment sections online, you would have no idea there was any anger in the world at all! Oh, you also probably shouldn't read my comic book reviews because I hate comic books so much! The only time I realize there are angry, impotent, frightened people in the world is when I destroy them in Call of Duty and they have to send me a message telling me how they don't approve of my style of play or my guessed at sexuality! I guess I'm not supposed to kill them over and over again? Or suck cocks?

If you're tired of reading comic books that make you do all the work, might I recommend Green Lanterns?

It does all the thinking for you!

Simon and Jess can even manage to talk to each other in their Narration Boxes while giving the readers a quick personality study. Simon is the tough car loving man-dude with a chip on his shoulder! Jessica is the anxious one who is also totally cute and into Pokémon but against Oxford commas! I'm not sure but I think Sam Humphries would have a difficult time tightening up their codified gender roles.

The Green Lanterns are trying to shut down Atrocitus's Hell Well but now Atrocitus is trying to shut them down. He's brought his crew of Red Lanterns to help out. Jessica, who mentioned how Simon has to face the prejudice of the world on a daily basis, proves that she's one of those assholes he has to deal with.

Yeesh! I'd hate to hear how she describes the rest of the Green Lantern Corps! She's not going to be welcome at the Annual Picnic on Mogo. Also, Zilius Zox should be dead. See Red Lanterns Annual #1.

Si and Jess decide that they should "just do it" which means punch things until they're all punched out. When that's the extent of the conflict, I feel like just taking a nap with the help of a bottle of aspirin and a bottle of sake. This is the level of comic book writing that is held as top notch? Why do people dream about working for one of the big two when this is the bullshit they think is entertaining? You know what the problem is! Well, I know but I swore I'd stop ranting about it because it's all I rant about. But I think I have a new take on it, so maybe I can rant a little bit in this paragraph! The problem is all of these first person Narration Boxes! Because now an big fist fight without any plans or twists or interesting aspects can be the big exciting action sequence because during the fist fight, the writer shoves in a bunch of Narration Boxes so that it seems like some thought is going into the battle. The protagonist can think, "My opponent is too strong to just go toe to toe with! So I've got to use my brains!" But the visual will simply be fists thrown back and forth. The fights have no personality anymore because all the work is going into the thoughts of the hero. And the thoughts don't need to have anything to do with the battle. As long as Jess says things like, "I've got to overcome my anxiety and learn to stand up as a Green Lantern!", readers are fooled into believing Jess is overcoming her anxiety! Why else would she say it if it isn't true?!

I'm probably getting ahead of myself. Just because Jess and Si's Narration Boxing moved straightaway to a double splash page action shot, it doesn't mean the fight won't be choreographed in an interesting way. It doesn't mean Jess or Si will think up a clever way to defeat the Red Lanterns. I don't know for sure that this fight will be no better than a couple of drunks beating each other down over a perceived slight.

During the battle, Dex-Starr is given the Rage Seed to plant at the bottom of the Hell Well.

It's the most adorable evil scheme I've ever seen!

I can easily turn around on this series if Sam would just write more scenes with Dex-Starr! I'm not that down on the book! I get what Sam is doing with the two halves of the whole character arc of Simon and Jessica. I just wish he would do it more how I want him to do it and less how he wants to do it! Am I supposed to be some kind of unbiased critic who can't mention the flaws simply because the flaws and what I don't like overlap?! Please! I'm just as human as the next person as long as the next person is often called an unemotional robot by the people who know her.

Oh! Guess what happens after the adorable Dex-Starr scene? Simon and Jess continue to throw punches while the Narration Boxes do all of the work! Although I'm not sure what kind of work they're trying to do. I think they're trying to do the same kind of work that the Grifter Narration Boxes were doing way back when.

You mean it's not in the top ten things people would associate with them? Because I'm pretty sure that's wrong!

If we were to do word association and you were to say "Red Lantern", I'd be all, "Anger! Rage! Vomit! Red! Lanterns!" But then if you said "Fourth of July," I would never in a million years answer with "Lemonade!" Is it a regional thing?

Jessica continues to spray green light at the Red Lanterns in images that mean nothing. How is the fight going? Is she winning? Losing? Who knows because, as I guessed earlier, the punching doesn't matter. It's all about her Narration Boxing. Instead of showing how she doubts herself and how she overcomes that in the fight, the reader is just told that she's feeling anxious and that she doubts her ability. But while she thinks that, she continues to blast Red Lanterns as well as any Green Lantern who can't make a gigantic green boxing glove (which is none of them, by the way).

Simon gets his page as well where he thinks about how he overcame nearly getting his brother-in-law killed which means he can overcome this brawl. But then he also has to take a moment to have some Emerald Sight which is possibly even worse than the incessant Narration Boxing. Now he gets to see a glimpse of the future which means nothing. He sees the Justice League being angry and Atrocitus saying, "Red Dawn is coming." Who the fuck cares?! Why is this a thing? Is this like the local news teasing a story to keep you interested? Is this Sam Humphries thinking, "I know my story isn't good enough to keep people reading. But if they only knew I planned to bring in the Justice League, there's no way they can drop the book, right?!"

No. I can mention a Green Lantern making a boxing glove because I'm expressing my disdain at how the battle isn't even on that low of a level. As the author, you cannot go there because it's lazy.

Jessica's anxiety and fear take over and she runs and hides and thinks over and over again, "I can't do this!" No, you can't. Give the ring to somebody else because at this point, it makes no sense that you were given one. There's only one rule and that's the ability to overcome great fear. You have the great fear so fucking overcome it already! I suppose I can give you one more issue to overcome it but if this becomes a regular part of the series, I will...well, I don't know. Roll my eyes more?

I just remembered! The last issue had Atrocitus telling Simon and Jess that he would let the one that kills the other one live. But there's been no acknowledgment of that ending at all! I guess I'm just supposed to assume that he was speaking figuratively or that that speech was code for his Red Lanterns to attack?

The issue ends with Jessica curled up into a fetal position because she's representing for the terminally anxious. And Simon Baz has just got his ass kicked because he's representing for those who constantly get their asses kicked. I wish this issue were one page longer so the Red Lanterns could have just finished them off and saved me $2.99 next month.

Cyborg #12

Wasn't this the cover to Issue #11?

The Review!
I'm assuming this is the last issue because it said "The End." at the end and also I'm eating cake. You've got to celebrate the little things. And the things that are a little bigger than even the little things like not having to read this comic book anymore. I'm fairly certain it's dried up my levels of serotonin. Which might also be the reason for eating all of that cake. As for the actual review of this issue, it was a structurally sound comic book where the good guy defeats the bad guys while also showing empathy, compassion, and muscles. But it suffers from poor editing, especially at the end when the world is destroyed. Or should have been destroyed. Maybe the world is saved by bad editing because the editor didn't go, "Hey, Marv? Are you sure you wrote this ending correctly? I think the world would collapse into a black hole the way you've written it." But since the editor didn't say that, the world lived! Hooray for bad editing failing to catch bad writing! Or something?

The Commentary!
Just as Cyborg's twenty-four hours in a test tube are coming to an end, STAR Labs suffers a break-in by a super couple. Their outfits are like space suits or scuba gear and their skin is pale, so I'm guessing they're somehow sick. I bet they're love sick! They're probably lovers whose super powers won't allow them to do it and so they've come to STAR Labs for a cure! Their names are probably Rome and Jules. Cyborg just got done learning a lesson about jumping to conclusions last issue so let's see if he applies it to this situation! Maybe these two aren't breaking into STAR Labs? It must be the Fourth of July weekend because nobody seems to be around to answer the door so the two just snuck in using their powers. Maybe the lesson Cyborg learned last issue was that when he suspects somebody is a villain, he'd better make damn sure they're white so he doesn't feel guilty later.

If a reader couldn't tell the two lovers were white people, they mention their names are Parker and Autumn. Autumn accidentally kills the one guard on duty so now Cyborg is really going to think they're bad guys! Because bad guys kill people! Although they are white, so he probably won't rat them out to the FBI and ruin their lives until he's sure that they killed the guard with malice, intent, and forethought. I bet Afrooz and her fiance's life is more ruined than these kids' lives will be and they killed somebody.

Sure. Give them the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe the covers of Issue #11 and Issue #12 were similar for a reason! They're supposed to make the reader think they're basically the same issue. But in one, Cyborg sees an Afghani Muslim and instantly blames her for everything that is going on and reports her to the FBI to put on their Terrorist Watch List and completely ruins her life while she's just sitting around minding her own business. But in this issue, two young white kids break into STAR Labs, kill a guard, and assault Cyborg but he still thinks he can talk them out of trouble and send them back to being good little white citizens. Why is Marv Wolfman making Cyborg the face of racist authoritarian thought?! It seems like a fishy message to me!

Because Cyborg is willing to talk to these two criminals, he learns that they've simply come to STAR Labs to steal something. But in a good way! They're dying and the something was built by their father and STAR Labs killed their mother and, hey, Cyborg, did you notice they're skin tone? I'd say they deserve the benefit of the doubt and lots and lots of second chances, wouldn't you?!

Cyborg listens to the kids' story which has something to do with how lax security is for the Red Room but I'm not concentrating very well because I kept thinking, "This brother and sister are lovers? Gross!"

Cyborg learns that the kids just want to live normal white lives where nothing sad ever happens. But instead they have a disease that's killing them which is totally not fair at all. Cyborg is all, "Yeah! I totally get that! I also have lived an unfair life full of non-fairness! I mean, I was a high school football star and my parents were rich scientists and all the cheerleaders dug me. But then I was killed and I was all, 'Oh man! This sucks! Life is the worst!' So I totally get where you're coming from and I will totally help you and not once think of turning you into the FBI because I understand that you are individuals with an individual problem and do not represent all of the evil ever."

Sarah Charles and Silas Stone burst into the room after Cyborg administered an experimental cure to Autumn. Sarah is all, "Why weren't you responding to my texts?! You should be instantly responding to my texts! I just gave you a nineteen hour hand-job and you have the nerve to not respond to my fucking texts immediately?!" And Silas is all, "Oh, and by the way, these kids murdered a guard so maybe you should think about the other side of the coin of prejudice, privilege, you dumb skunk." It's at this point that everybody panics and a fight breaks out.

During the fight, Cyborg learns a lesson.

When Cyborg says "Maybe he could've preserved more of what I was," he means his penis.

Cyborg's father's love is proved beyond a shadow of a doubt when they learn that the criminals' father's cure has actually turned them into potential human black holes.

To contain the black hole, Autumn makes an impenetrable cocoon around Parker. I might accept that Autumn could make a strong enough cocoon to contain a small black hole created inside of a human being except for one small issue: Autumn is the one turning into a black hole. So, you know, whoops! World over! Everything sucked into Autumn as she encased her brother/lover! But at least Cyborg and his father have cleared up a few Daddy Issues. Except now that his Daddy Issues don't exist, neither does this comic book! It ends because Cyborg has nothing more to work through! And that's that for Cyborg! Except for the final surprise ending twist!

Oh my god! So tense and drama-like!

Cyborg #11

Diversity at DC Comics! Present Cyborg as the angry black man who can withstand fire! Such stereotypes!

The Review!
Isn't it about time to give up on Cyborg? He's not as fascinating as DC wants me to think he is. But I guess they don't have a great history of black characters to turn into star characters. My preference would be for Black Lightning. He's got a lot more personality and as long as the colorist remembers to make his lightning bolts black, his name isn't really racist! Of course, DC wouldn't have this problem of Cyborg not being interesting enough to be a star if they just had a more diverse cast of heroes who were popular. The problem is trying to make any character as popular as Batman! It's like there's no formula for how a character gets super popular that they could follow! I mean, Batman isn't anything like Harley Quinn! And Harley Quinn isn't anything like Lobo! Except for the really white skin. But you know what? That isn't going to work here! That's about the extent of my wisdom on this subject!

The Commentary!
My friend and yours, Marv Wolfman, is finishing up the Cyborg comic book because Walker's version wasn't radical enough. Probably because DC didn't want to alienate their angry white male readers by presenting an angry black man who discovered he wasn't emasculated at all and could bang all the white women he wanted. Not that Victor was necessarily only into white women. I think his main kink is women named "Sarah". Anyway, since Marv Wolfman invented Cyborg (I think? That's the best fact checking you'll get out of me!), he must truly understand the character! Like the way he's constantly saying "Holmes!" in 2016! Has a black man ever been portrayed more earnestly? Not that any one black character could represent every black person in the world! I would never say that! Probably 80-90 percent though, right?

Normally I would look at Cyborg and think, "That's a robot!" But I guess now I look at him and think, "That's the black character DC Comics has decided will be as popular one day as Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman!" They really keep trying and he really just keeps coming off as boring. I had high hopes for the Walker run but forgot about my high hopes almost immediately when the series caused me to nod off and spill my tea. Now I really don't have high hopes about Cyborg's future if he's back in Marv Wolfman's hands!

Whew! That's enough discussion about race! I think I may have solved racism in America! I'm going to go outside and see if all of my white neighbors congratulate me!

Currently, Cyborg is being experimented on by his father. Again! While his body is down, Cyborg decides to interface with the Internet and deal with all of the world's problems at once.

Such insightful political and social commentary!

Cyborg discovers a plane's electronic systems have been hijacked and he begins trying to figure out how to get control of the plane back. He knows the flight number immediately but doesn't realize it's Sarah's plane even though the first thing he did before his body was put in stasis was check on Sarah's flight. He's not the smartest computer in the server room! Did that make sense? I probably should just assume it made sense instead of calling attention to it just in case it doesn't make sense.

Cyborg can't seem to get control of the plane and he can't contact the Justice League because they're all in space on a mission. Funny how they're constantly in space on a mission when somebody needs them and yet I never read any stories where they're in space on a mission.

Cyborg notices there's a woman from Afghanistan on the plane so obviously she's the terrorist. Uh oh! I think Victor might be about to learn a little something about prejudice!

Cyborg stopped checking the passenger list when he came to this woman, Afrooz Abad. Is he crazy?! There might be other people from Afghanistan on board who might be the real terrorist!

After Cyborg stopped checking the passenger list because he obviously found the terrorist, he checks the passenger list to discover Sarah is on the plane. Even though he should have already known she was on this plane, remember?! I wonder if Cyborg will get nicknamed World's Worstest Detective?

Cyborg begins to investigate Abad and discovers she's totally clean. Which only makes him more suspicious! She must be the culprit!

Sarah begins acting even more strangely than Abad but nobody has security wrestle her to the ground because she's speaking English and isn't wearing a hijab. Unless it's called something else because remember that thing I said earlier about my fact checking! Sarah rigs up the entertainment system to distract everybody on board with Facebook. I'm surprised they're calling it Facebook in a DC comic book. Isn't the DC Universe filled with bad clones of real products?

Along with the plane catastrophe, Victor notices a bunch of warehouse fires around the world with similar modus operandi. Modi operandi? I really should see if I can rehire Pickle Boy to do the fact checking around here! Anyway, the warehouses that are all burning seem to be run by criminal syndicates. So it's a good thing! Except for the workers trapped in the warehouses and about to die because they don't know how to open an exit door.

This is a bad thing! Unless they're complicit in the crimes happening in these warehouses. Then it's a grey thing!

Cyborg alerts the authorities so they know that there will be burned bodies in the ashes of the burned down buildings. I assume that's why he alerts them since he already knows help is on the way but they're stuck due to the traffic lights all being down and chaos ensuing in the streets. Does he think the authorities will somehow get around that chaos because he told them people were trapped in the burning buildings? Maybe he should fix the traffic lights while he's doing everything else.

Cyborg realizes that everything happening isn't a terror threat but a gangland protection racket thing. I guess it's only terrorism if the wrong people use violence and destruction against the white people. I mean right people. But the plane is still having trouble for some interrelated reason, so Cyborg turns his attention to saving Dr. Charles. Plus the other people.

I wonder if by the end of this story, Cyborg is going to apologize to Afrooz and her fiance for getting them on the FBI's Terror Watch List?

So Cyborg's powers are sufficiently technological as to be magic now. Awesome.

Cyborg discovers that the real bad guys are Dark Net people. Ooh! The Dark Net! Now there's a good bogeyman for Cyborg to constantly battle! Although it might not be good material for a comic book since ninety percent of the time, he'll probably be busting child porn rings.

Cyborg makes sure to feel really badly about his prejudice. Lesson learned! That lesson was that black people can be racist too, right? Is that what Marv was saying?

And finally, 19 hour handy time!

Cyborg #10

Fuck! Wolfman is now writing this book? I'm sorry I ever criticized David Walker's writing!

The Review!
I'm not completely sure if I used to like Wolfman's writing and now hate it, or I'm still pissed at him for promising that I'd have an Elfquest movie fifteen years ago and nothing! Fucking dick.

This issue ends the Technosapien story arc once and for all. Hooray! But it does it in almost as boring a way as the previous issues. The action was terrible and Marv Wolfman's entire concept of Victor Stone's character is making him say "Holmes" a lot. But the stuff with his holographic mother being a plant by the technosapiens, and the dialogue the Stone family shared, weren't awful. So a couple of kind of highlights in this issue but overall, this entire Cyborg series has been a big pass for me. Except I didn't pass any of it! I'm a fucking sucker!

Poison Ivy: Cycle of Life and Death #4

I have no idea what this cover has to do with the story inside except that Catwoman is indeed in this issue.

The Review!
You know how you can tell if you're a narcissist? Well, first off you're probably not reading this because you didn't know it was going to be about you. But if you happen to be reading this for some reason, like maybe you're Amy Chu and you thought your self-esteem was healthy enough to read Internet comments about your work, or you're my mother who just happened to realize her son had a somewhat popular comic book blog on the internet, then maybe you'll learn something! You are a narcissist if you've ever been upset when somebody spells your name wrong or if somebody pronounced your name incorrectly after only having read it. Your name has never been on a list of words that people were supposed to automatically know how to spell or pronounce, you asshole. Get over your fucking self and stop thinking it's cute to Instagram photos of your name spelled wrong on Starbucks cups. You know when you have a right to be upset about your name being spelled wrong? On Christmas cards from your fucking grandparents. Instagram that shit and I might give a fuck. But when you mumble your oh-so-fucking-unique name to a clerk and they wind up getting it wrong, stop acting like they're so dumb. You're the fucking genius who somehow thinks everybody should know how to spell your stupid Goddamned name. By the way, Poison Ivy was mediocre at best.

Cyborg #9

Victor beat Billy at table tennis so Billy said, "Let's see you in a mystical fist fight!"

Rating: This series is much better than the first story arc although not by a lot because it's all been tainted by how boring the first six or seven issues were. Cyborg's dialogue is still that of a witless blowhard but at least he isn't telling jokes which he (or another character) then has to explain are jokes because they're not very joke-like. I'm sorry to say that I still don't think this comic book is worth picking up no matter how badly DC Comics wants Cyborg to become their next big moneymaking character. I wonder how many people were confused by the Silas Stone video in Batman Loves Superman: Dawn of Just Us? I guess Cyborg is more mainstream than I give him credit for since he was part of Cartoon Network's Teen Titans cartoon for years. Did anybody else think he sort of acted like the fifth Ninja Turtle in that cartoon?

• Everybody is making pretend spoiler jokes about The Walking Dead finale so here's mine: Hurley wakes up in the mental hospital and realizes it was all a wet dream.

• No wait! Here's my The Walking Dead fake finale spoiler: fan of the comic book series continues to buy the trades even though they're getting more and more boring and Charlie Adlard is still drawing the art. How many times do I have to read two or three pages about a character before some other character finally calls them by name so I can quizzically say, "Oh! That's who that was?!"

• Currently, Cyborg is being hassled by the government because he has "unregulated technology". I mean, he is unregulated technology? It doesn't really matter. The main thing to focus on is that the government is, once again, being a bunch of Douchéstorks. Here's how government apparently works: a bunch of ignorant people become frightened of something that causes sadness, corporations see an opportunity to make a ton of money by playing on this fear and lobby the government for laws that will help calm the populace while also increasing their revenue in some way, government officials receive generous kickbacks to get the proposed laws on the book, some weird fucking kid has a hallucination on the steps of congress, and the bill becomes a law! Everybody has a new illusion of safety! Hooray!

• If you read the last bullet point and came away with the idea that I'm anti-government, you couldn't be more wrong. The government serves many important functions and should actually serve a bunch more for the real comfort and safety of the people. It's the politicians and their fervent, idiotic bases who would rather be angry and ignorant than knowledgeable and happy whom I despise.

• The government has brought Captain Marvel along to arrest Cyborg because he's obviously quite dangerous being a black man. I mean, a man with unregistered cybertechnology who will be treated like any other white guy with the same technology. Except that's not true, is it? The white guy with unregistered cybertechnology was offered a job with the government. The black guy is getting hassled and physically attacked!

• This issue is called "Pub Lice Nemy #1". I don't get it.

• Forty-five days ago, Cyborg told the Justice League, "I'm a fucking member of this League, right? So for once, you're going to deal with my fucking problems! And don't think you're going to run off on some Superman or Batman adventure while dealing with my problems! I'm calling Dibs, you fuckers! Stop treating me like a junior member of this squad! I mean league!"

• It might not be a bad idea to have Cyborg join the Suicide Squad. It needs a Rick Flag-esque ethical compass on it!

• After the flashback, the narrative returns to Captain Marvel and Cyborg's fistfight. But with a sly wink and a touch to the side of the nose to the reader! Because now we know this is all show! Probably.

• See? Just like I explained earlier!

• Forty days ago, Cyborg and Batman hung out in the Batcave exchanging knowing glances as they did all sorts of illegal things. But illegal in a good way because they're good guys! Duh!

• Also in that scene in the Batcave, Cyborg shows some non-exciting reasons why he's useful. Like how he can read legislation in a nanosecond and point out the bits that are important to their case. I think that used to be one of Alfred's jobs!

• Batman and Cyborg discover that anybody with any kind of cybernetic implant will be controllable by the government if the legislation passes. Also, Cyber-Tech's CEO and shareholders will become filthy rich. Cyber-Tech's employees will have to figure out their own health insurance and 401K because the company has to pay so many taxes!

• Why is Superman acting like the government hasn't tried to do the same thing to him multiple times? And why is Wonder Woman being such a dick about it?

• Cyborg casually tells Superman that he could murder him in less than five seconds. Dude! Chill!

• Cyborg tells everybody his plan to defeat the American government and then shows his friends his penis.

They likey!

• "Showing them his penis" is a euphemism for revealing that he can turn into a human and not a joke about something that's bigger than a breadbox and can be put in my mouth. It's also a reference to how the Cyborg character had issues with being an emasculated black male made safe for white consumption by destroying his genitals. Kind of like how that rich white asshole Santa Claus had his elf pull out all of the teeth of the Abominable Snowman and then put it in chains. Fucking Rudolf. I can't believe that racist propaganda is shown every year! And don't think I don't know what Rankin and Bass really meant when they were calling the Abominable Snowman a "bumble"! Bastards!

• If anybody has read That Cavortin' Bastard's rant on Rudolf and is now thinking, "Christ, Tess! You just stole all of those revelations from That Bastard!", you should realize that I wrote that.

• Cyborg's big plan was to get caught by the government. And it's successful! I guess he just needed the Justice League to stay out of it so he could destroy Cyber-Tech from within.

Cyborg #8

It annoys me when a comic book company green lights a cover of a comic book that could have been drawn by me.

Rating: Probably -1 Ranking even though I haven't opened the cover yet. I have feelings about this book. Rather, I have nearly no feelings about it and will probably be thoroughly bored while reading it.

Remember when a man stalked and killed a young man named Trayvon Martin and we all decided that we were fine with people believing the man was within his rights and should be allowed to go free while we, angry and upset, did nothing more than write comments like this online and pretend like we were fed up with it even though we've continually just did nothing more than be angry since then? Apparently this incident happened exactly four years ago today even though I only discovered that when I consulted Lord Google to make sure I was spelling Trayvon's name correctly because that would be embarrassing if I got that wrong and there's nothing worse in America than being embarrassed on the internet. I guess my body has an internal rage alarm clock. Good thing something is acknowledging the rage since I'm too busy reading comic books to try and make the world a better place.

Cyborg and Captain Marvel (Fuck calling Billy "Shazam" when he's got his Man Pants on) beat up on a guy named Zookeeper who would be lucky to wind up dying on the Suicide Squad. The jokes they make at his expense continue the same tired trend of this comic book where Cyborg believes he's wittier than he really is. He keeps saying he's a genius and that might be true in that he can do a really complicated math problem or build a super computer that turns farts into fuel. But he's terrible at cracking wise at other people's expense.

His father Silas Stone must be the same kind of genius because he rebuilt his son out of alien technology and yet at breakfast he asks his son to pass the syrup while he's holding the syrup bottle.

This is why dumb people think smart people are so dumb! Because not smart people write smart characters but can't write them in a way that's smart because the writer isn't smart enough to write a convincing smart person! Also dumb people always invent all sorts of caveats to what "smart" actually means. So if they don't know anything and are completely ignorant of even the smallest scientific facts (like, you know, an American), they claim that at least they have common sense and street smarts unlike smart people who are sooooooo stupid when it comes to doing everything that isn't answering questions on Jeopardy. Or what about those insecure people who have to label a bunch of different ways for a person to be smart so they can find a category to fit into? "Well, I'm smart at organizing books on shelves! Genius at it, even! Oops, I shat myself!"

The worst thing about being the smartest person on the internet is that nobody believes me!

It's not even a good joke since half the creatures are reptiles or amphibians!

The narrative of the story keeps jumping back in time so after Cyborg makes that hilarious joke about the situation being hairy, the scene jumps back to 59 days previous to an "undisclosed location." Why would nobody disclose the location to the omniscient narrator? You'd think at least the narrator would know where every scene was taking place. This just feels like lazy editing! The editor has decided they don't want to take a stand and declare some new organization's location in the DC Youniverse. Which totally makes sense since nobody even knows what state Gotham is in.

The secret facility is where Cyborg's real enemies are gathered. They're congressmen and lawmakers who want to pass laws limiting people's access to cybernetics because a black man owns some. It's not the cybernetics that make them feel unsafe. It's the fact that a black man owns more than they do! So time to pass a law declaring them illegal! At least for certain people. You know what certain people I mean.

Let me translate this for the dumb people who accidentally stumbled upon my blog and haven't been offended enough to stop reading yet! "Technology that only a few elite people understand" means "science and math is hard to understand and the people who understand it are assholes who think they're so much better than me because I can't even figure out which way to put a Pop Tart into the toaster." "Unregulated forays into dangerous territories" means "facts that are demonstrably true but which I can't understand because I just learned that Kit Kats shouldn't be shoved up my anus." Things which "can be easily compromised and turned against humanity" means "minorities can use them against us!"

The guy with the eyepatch (an indicator of bad guyness unless his name is Snake Plissken and then he's a double bad guy bluff good guy. Maybe it depends which eye the eyepatch is on) doesn't understand what Senator Champlin is saying so he says Senator Champlin isn't saying anything. That's a total dumb guy tactic! You know how when a really smart person zings a dumb guy, the dumb guy thinks he'll really get one over on the smart guy by pretending not to understand the zinger which only makes the dumb guy look dumber but he's too dumb to realize it so he keeps using that tactic.

Oh Billy. That's the joke Cyborg was making. You didn't make the joke you just made it less subtle. Not that it was subtle in the first place. And since that's the case, Cyborg is complimenting his own joke.

I'm glad David Walker constantly has other characters pointing out that somebody is making a joke or saying something funny or I would have missed every fucking joke since this comic book began. So far in this issue alone (I can't remember how often he did it in the other issues but I've pointed it out before), there's been the one I just scanned, the time Captain Marvel repeated one of Cyborg's jokes and said it was hilarious, Zookeeper screaming that he's not a joke, Cyborg's dad pointing out Cyborg's ability to keep telling jokes in the face of disaster, and the Zookeeper screaming at Cyborg to stop making jokes. I'd complain that David Walker doesn't need to keep reminding us when things are funny but since none of these moments have actually been funny, he'd better keep it up before I take this thing too seriously.

Your penis, right? You're going to show him your penis! Let me know now if I should laugh at it!

The issue ends with the government's goons going after Cyborg because he didn't properly register his cybernetics with them. Fucking government! Always trying to take away the black man's teeth! Like in that Rudolph Christmas special where Santa defangs the Abominable Snowman and puts him in chains. Bumble, my ass. I know what Cornelius really means when he calls it a Bumble. You can't snow me with your "white truths", you fucking Snowman!

Cyborg #9 Rating: No change. I know I put the rating at the beginning and pre-rated the comic book but that was because I didn't realize this was going to turn into an actual commentary. It was less boring than previous issues of Cyborg although David Walker seriously needs to put a cap on how many times somebody points out that something was a joke. It takes up about 25 percent of the dialogue in this thing!

Cyborg #5

This is demoralizing. I'm not even through the Looney Tunes variants yet!

This must be the last Looney Tunes variant though because Cyborg has been running about a month late. Although I've got another Cyborg in the stack so it really feels like DC has been pushing to all of their titles back on schedule by the end of this month. That's probably why there were two Justice Leagues of America and two Justice Leagues and a couple of Batman Europas and about fifteen DC Bombshells. I'm about two weeks behind before I can get back on a timely schedule where I'm writing about comic books that have just come out. Although, let's face it. Nobody cares about comic books that have just come out. They only care about comic books that are three to six months from coming out. I really should just do reviews of the solicits.

If I remember last issue correctly--and I believe I am remembering it correctly because I'm currently bored--the Technosapiens had invaded Earth and Cyborg, along with the Metal Men, were Earth's last line of defense. Hopefully something exciting will take place this issue or I'm going to have to revive my Old Trivia That's Probably Totally Wrong Now!

The first few pages aren't helping change my mind about how boring this comic book is. Cyborg gets his leg chopped off by Alternate Universe Sarah Charles (unless it was bitten off by the monster that was eating him. But Cyborg blames Sarah so I'm going to go with that rather than what was in the art) and then she teleports him away from Earth. That means it's now up to the Metal Men to stop thinking about the many ways they might convince Superman to fuck them all and to start saving the Earth. Instead they choose to run because they're incompetent.

Really? Really really real?

Over in Alternate Universe Detroit, Cyborg regenerates his leg while say a bunch of stuff I don't understand. But I'm totally impressed by it because I don't understand it so it must be super scientific and totally explains how Cyborg can now regenerate his body. He can also transform it from flesh to metal. So he doesn't actually need to look like a Cyborg anymore, does he? Although his look is currently the most interesting thing about this comic book so it would be a mistake if he decided to look human.

Do not read anything in the following scan if you are operating heavy machinery.

I'm so fucking bored!

Cyborg tries to lighten the mood by throwing in the occasional joke but then he says "Who's joking?" and I scream "No kidding!"

Cyborg throws in a bit of social commentary too but I was yawning too much to care. And then the comic book goes for the kill! It's like it knows that what little interest I had when I began reading this comic book is quickly flagging, so it decides to mesmerize me with some serious repetition.

I should have followed this guy's advice.

Do I have to explain that the KERTHUNK was the Metal Men saving these guys? It's not like that was a twist of Hitchockian proportions. Besides, they seem to be the only heroes left in the DC You. It's also possible that this alien invasion has only affected Detroit which is why the rest of the world hasn't noticed. That's totally believable.

Back on Alternate Universe Earth, Real Sarah Charles pulls Vic aside to tell him a secret. I think she was going to tell him that she's pregnant so that a little drama could be injected into this buzzkill. But instead she points out that she can hear his heartbeat. Which--I'm guessing!--she couldn't hear before. Previous to his discovery that he had regenerative powers, all she could hear was the hum of his disk drive spinning.

As I mentioned in previous commentaries, the romantic relationship between Sarah and Vic really should be front and center. Instead Larry Walker has chosen to highlight yet another alien invasion. I think that alien invasion would be more interesting if it took place as Vic was desperately trying to get laid. Seriously, the first thing you'd figure he'd want to do after regrowing his penis is make use of its secondary function! Unless doing it is its primary function and peeing is the secondary function.

No kidding no kidding no kidding!

I wonder when it will be time for jokes?

Not now! Now is the time to quote an overrated line from They Live!

Cyborg and his new gang of Alternate Universe Misfits teleport back to Earth-You to battle the Techno-Sapiens once and for all. I'm guessing it's the final battle because it's leading into the sixth issue and that's the general length for stretching out stories that probably could have been told in two issues.

Cyborg #5 Rating: -1 Ranking. Was I too subtle in my efforts to describe this comic book as boring? It would be a shame if you walked away thinking you should pick up this comic book. I mean, if you've got insomnia and nothing you've tried has worked, I'd recommend giving this book a try. My life is no better or worse from having read this comic book. I might even be more refreshed because I'm certain I just had a dozen micro-naps during this read. Usually when a comic has built up more than one issue in my "To Read" stack, I'd just get them all out of the way at once. But I'm legitimately concerned that if I read Cyborg #6 right now, I could pass out and bang my head on the corner of my desk.

Infinity Man and the Forever People #8

I fixed this cover so that it went the appropriate number of issues.

I have a feeling that whatever happens in this comic book isn't going to matter to anybody. Or it's going to be the single issue that ties Futures End to the DC Universe's present. Or it's just going to be twenty pages stuck together by Dan Didio's cum. Oh man, I hope it's not that last one.

The issue begins with Beautiful Dreamer having a bad dream the way she always has bad dreams. Last night, I dreamt that I completed a ritual that destroyed a Great Old One. I'm just going to assume that I dream future events and just start calling myself a hero due to my future heroic actions.

Beautiful Dreamer just had a dream where she saw Mark Moonrider die. Apparently she doesn't want this to happen even though she had that dream where he was going to betray them all. Serafina walks in just in time to hear that Beautiful Dreamer just had a vision of Mark and she was all, "Um, where did the vision start? I wasn't kissing him or anything, right? I mean, of course I wasn't! And if you saw his dick in my mouth, that was just a normal dream and not a vision at all and I wouldn't worry about it or anything."

Six pages into the comic book and everything about it is lackluster. The art is flat and boring. The characters are flat and boring. The dialogue is flat and boring. The whole thing reads like I only know two ways to describe everything: flat and boring! But it's not my fault! I assure you, it is Infinity Man and the Forever People #8!

I think everybody working on this book just got incredibly bored with it and since they knew it was ending anyway, they just didn't care. Maybe Mark Moonrider will die since nobody fucking cares.

See? This guy totally doesn't fucking care.

The Forever People arrive just in time to see Mark Moonrider killed. Or nearly killed. I bet if they all touch their Mother Box and scream, "Yarhooey!", they can save him! Then Infinity Man will appear for some reason that doesn't make any sense and doesn't really matter.

Can anybody explain why this comic book exists? It's incomprehensible and not entertaining. When will Didio just leave Jack Kirby's works alone? I think he just likes fucking up Kirby's characters (not that they weren't pretty fucked up already. But now they're fucked up in a more modern way). Why else would he allow Ann Nocenti to write Klarion? That's some spiteful, venomous bullshit right there.

Anyway, a boring fight takes place between the Forever People and the Femmes Fatales. I suppose if I put much effort into it, I could figure out which characters are on which side but I don't fucking care. A bald woman stabs a woman all in yellow in the kidneys as she chokes a purple haired woman and another woman in a hat shoots lasers out of her fingers. One side will probably defeat the other side soon. Yay.

This cute little tush was a bright spot during the battle.

Beautiful Dreamer brings Mark Moonrider back to life by leaking the Anti-Life Equation out of her eyeballs. If you were wondering what the Anti-Life Equation was, it's finally been revealed: N=Y where Y equals hope and N equals folly. That's it? Really? Hope and Folly are equal at all times is the Anti-Life Equation? There were some other parts to the equation like love and lies being equal, and life and death being equal, and self and dark side being equal. That last one really seems weird. Plus there was a long string where loneliness added to alienation added to fear and added to despair and then added to self-worth were then divided by mockery divided by condemnation divided by misunderstanding after it had been multiplied by guilt and shame and failure and judgment. Do you feel cheated by this Anti-Life Equation revelation or do you feel like that was some pretty profound bullshit?

Beautiful Dreamer then sends the Femmes Fatales off into space with Lashina and Granny Goodness. Mark Moonrider begins leaking Anti-Life Equation out of his eyes while he sleeps. And Infinity Man appears to Big Bear to let him know that there will be another issue. I guess I'd better stop assuming that all of these comics are ending this month! I can't believe I still have to read one more of these things. At least it's the origin of Infinity Man so maybe it will explain what the fuck is going on just in time for me to not need the information anymore.

Infinity Man and the Forever People #8 Rating: -1 Ranking. Nobody working on this comic book cares anymore so why should I? Not that I ever cared about it anyway. Do writers know that when they're writing about characters that nobody really cares about that they have to establish some means to make the readers care? If this book were about Batman and the Batfamily, at least readers would be emotionally attached to the characters and might respond to the mediocre story taking place. But since these characters are throwaway old school Jack Kirby characters, nobody gives a shit if Mark Moonrider dies or if he betrays Beautiful Dreamer or if Vykin keeps the "black" in front of his name. I think Didio just needs to hang up his typewriter and just concentrate on putting his foot in his mouth during press conferences and interviews.

Infinity Man and the Forever People #7

It's February. Enough with the happy new years already.

I have the original script of Infinity Man and the Forever People #7 in my hands! I think it would have been more successful if they hadn't made any changes to the script but then that's why I don't run a comic book publishing business, I guess. Let's compare the original script to what made it to the shelves, shall we?

Page One.

The original script:

PAGE ONE: Mark Moonrider sits unhappily in a location where he ought to seem happy, perhaps a strip club with a woman straddling him and rubbing her breasts in his face? He wears a stupid hat to indicate that it is the eve of the new year.

Narration Box: Why did I come here in loose fitting clothes? How am I going to stand up? Worse yet, what if I blow New Genesis seed all over the inside of my super trousers?
Narration Box: It's so hard being a white man god. Nobody understands the angst created by not having any problems projected onto me by society, leaving me the time and luxury to become introspective and think about nothing but my own existence. So much angst! So much brooding!
Narration Box: Man tears!

Page Two.

PAGE TWO: Nine panels showing the back of Mark Moonrider as Serafina enters from the VIP Lounge, completely sopping wet. She sits by him and they talk in the last three panels:

P.7
Mark: Serafina.
Serafina: Mark.

P.8
Mark: Funny meeting you here.
Serafina: Yeah. Funny.

P.9
Mark: Want to talk about it? Why are your clothes soaking wet? How much did it cost? Please want to talk about it.

PAGE THREE: Serafina, still dripping in mystery fluids, tells her story to Mark Moonrider. The story continues in flashbacks with Serafina narrating. [NOTE: Remember to use white text in a lavender box for Serafina's Narration Boxes to increase reader eye strain]

Narration Box: Even though this whole New Gods Graduation Class Trip to Earth Mission makes no sense, I still try to take it seriously because I'm a black woman god in a white male god world and I have to fight for every ounce of respect I can get. I save the world and it's, "Holy shit! We can't believe Serafina, with Mark Moonrider's help, saved the world. To say she fulfilled the least of our expectations would be a lie because we actually had no expectations for her!" You save the world and it's all, "Mark Moonrider does it again! Masterful! Amazing! Truly epic! And he practically did it all by himself with minimal help from his POC and female sidekicks!"
Narration Box: So we just had that mission where we battled Mantis that we failed but I think Infinity Man succeeded because of course our group, being over half female and POC, need to call on a white male god (who is, let's face it, probably cishet) to solve all of our problems. So gross.

Narration Box: Anyway, then we couldn't fucking figure out how to get home because "maps are confusing, tee hee!" And we had to get directions from a cow.
Narration Box: Then we destroyed our entire neighborhood by battling a bunch of Green Lanterns because even though we don't agree with what New God Patriarchy is up to, we still get blamed for their actions by outsiders to New Genesis.
Narration Box: It's fucking bullshit, man.
Narration Box: So anyway, I decided to do what I could to help this world without asking any of you munchholes. So I see this guy that's being bullied and I think, "Hey! I can help this one person and make the world a better place." So I enhance the hell out of the fucker with New God technology, right?
Narration Box: Only to find out later he's a borderline sociopath with a history of violence. Of course he was! He was a white male! I should have just left him to deal with his pathetic white guy versus white guy problems himself. Last fucking time I get involved, I tell you what.

Penultimate Panel: Serafina opens the door to Doctor Skuba's apartment and is knocked down by a wave of water.
Last Panel: POV from between Doctor Skuba's legs as Serafina, on her ass, looks up into his crotch and asks, "Dr. Skuba?"

PAGE FOUR: Doctor Skuba and Serafina talk outside of his apartment.

P.1.
Skuba: Hello, woman who also cared about water!
Serafina: Oh shit. You got that Darkseid look about you now.

P.2
Skuba: I've been talking to water lately! I have so much in common with it. It's all, "We oppress fish!" And I'm all, "I oppress those that don't look or act like me!" And it's all, "Cool!" And I'm all, "I know!"

P.3: As Skuba and Serafina talk, two men encased in water float nearby.
Skuba: The water wanted me to punish those guys who peed in it, so now I've encapsulated them in their own pee water!

P.4:
Skuba: Justice for all water and mankind who thinks and acts similarly to the way I do!

PAGE FIVE

P.1
Serafina laughing loudly: Ha ha! Good one! But, um, no.

P.2
Skuba: Have you ever peed in the pool, missy?!

P.3
Serafina: Of course not! [Is a Narration Box needed here to indicate she's lying or should we assume the reader knows she's lying since everybody has peed in a pool at least once in their lives? Maybe just let Skuba's reaction reveal the falsehood]

P.4
Skuba: No. You're just like them! No regard for the water!

P.5
Serafina: But you use toilets, right? That's water! You also defile the....
Skuba: Enough! The water has spoken! Everybody drowns!

Page Six.

PAGE SIX: Literal Splash Page. Ha ha! Doctor Skuba stands as a wave crashes down on Serafina and nearby pedestrians, flooding the apartment complex and the streets nearby.

Narration Box: I was all, "Oof!" and "Urgh!" and "Ack!" Then I thought about YouTube which is weird because I don't think anything called "YouTube" exists in the DC Universe. Isn't it called MeCardboardLightsaber or something stupidly tongue-in-cheek?

PAGE SEVEN: Doctor Skuba and Serafina tussle in the flooded neighborhood while all the stray cats drown.

P.1
Skuba: Water covers like 33% of the world's surface and I plan on claiming the other 65%! [Check facts and math on that before printing]
Serafina: Just like a fucking white male. Thinking you have to be the champion of the underrepresented! Have you asked the water what it wants? Do you think it really wants to be brought up on land where it's going to flood the sewer system and become more polluted than from just some drunk asshole throwing a piss balloon in a pool?

P.2
Skuba: Do not try to censor me, you dumb cunt! I have the right to say what I think the underrepresented really want without you telling me what you really want!
Serafina: Gross! Shut up! Give me back my enhancement! I'm sorry I ever felt sorry for you!

P.3
Skuba: You don't know everything I've done for the water! You don't know me! I've championed the water since whenever!
Serafina: Have another fucking cookie then, assmite.

P.4
Skuba: And now you drown!

PAGE EIGHT

P.1: Doctor Skuba creates a bubble of air around himself as he tries to drown Serafina.
Skuba: I cannot breathe water yet but soon! Soon I will wear all of water's accoutrements! I will speak in water slang! I will sport a waterfro! I will listen to gently roaring sounds of every ocean and when I ask The Indian Ocean if it's ever heard the sound of the Pacific Ocean and it says, "Why, no." I'll say, "Ha! I'm more water than you!"

P.2-4: As Doctor Skuba loses himself in his Evil Villain Monologue, Serafina pounces on him and pulls the enhancement from his back.
Serafina: Appropriate much!
Skuba: No! NO! That's mine now!
Serafina: It was never yours!

P.5: Serafina far out at sea as Doctor Skuba sinks beneath the waves.
Narration Box: And then I headed home without asking the water for kudos because I'm just trying to help out where I can, you know?

PAGE NINE: Serafina ends her story, scene shifts back to the present, Moonrider begins the story of his day. It begins in a hotel room with the other Forever People sitting around listening to Big Bear.

Last Panel
Big Bear: Based on the New God's studies of human behavior, as well as some extra information given to us by a cow, a dog, and three turkeys, these are the things we should do on New Years Eve to fit in: Wear a tiny hat. Explode tiny guns filled with paper. Blow on miniature and out of tune horns. Fuck wantonly. Imbibe dangerously of alcoholic brews. Scream and shout a lot to indicate we are enjoying ourselves and are not at all simply lost and lonely and trying to pretend we are happy amongst dozens of other people pretending in like manner.

Page Ten.

PAGE TEN: Panels with the Forever People reacting to Big Bear's revelations of what to do on New Year's. Make them up as you see fit.

PAGE ELEVEN: Keith, you're a pretty good writer. Just do whatever you want for Mark Moonrider's story. I have a fucking publishing company to run.

Page Eleven is just filled with doodles of naked Batwoman and naked Maggie Sawyer with Didio standing between them masturbating and cackling evilly.

At this point, the script changes noticeably in that before it was typed and organized while now it is scribbled and stained with wine, tears, and enchilada sauce.

PAGE WHATEVER: Fuck you, Dan Didio. I have a life. I have experience. I have tenure! Fucking only giving me half-pay on a book I write most of the jokes for! I'll show him. He loves his Jack Kirby creations so Goddamned much.

A Panel
Big Bear: "I'm a fucking New God but I'm so stupid that I don't understand the rotation of the planets or the way most alien cultures divide their planet's orbit around the sun into seasons and years!"
Some Other Forever Person. Whichever. They're All The Same: "Can we not just say the mystic chant of 'Happy New Year' and make the new year come already? DER!"

Another Panel
Black Vykin: "Duh! My chronothing says it's almost midnight and I don't feel weird at all!"
Big Bear: "Only proves my theory that we New Gods are bad ass motherfuckers! Yeah!"

Yet Another Panel
Black Bear: "More stupid bullshit because I'm the leader of the Earth Summer Reading Program but I know nothing! Brrrt!"

Final Panel Maybe
Black Bear: "Happy New Year, whatever that is!"

PAGE WHO CARES?

A Panel: Black Vykin sees kissing on the television.
Black Vykin: "Ho diddly doo! Now that's a new yar! Come here, whichever one of you I'm in a relationship with!"

Another Panel: Black Vykin and that other Forever Person kiss.
Mark Moonripper: "Get a room!"
Beauteous Dreamer: "This is a room! Oh! Kissing seems like a good time. Look at my bosoms and feel the heat of my crotchy area!"
Mark Moonriper: "I'm impotent! Or gay! Or a traitor! So I can't kiss you! Goodbye!"

Another Panel: Mark Moonracer runs from the room.

PAGE PAGEY: Back to Mark and Serafina sitting in the strip club.

A Panel
Serafina: "Wait. You're gay?"

Another Panel
Mark: "If by gay you mean I can't get it up for Dreamer due to amazing amounts of pressure and constantly thinking about how many other men she's been with and totally feeling oppressed by a changing society that's trying to castrate the white man and getting little sleep having to answer emails on the Meninist site I run, then yes. I mean, no, I'm not but it's that other stuff that has caused the stiff to vacate my stiffy."

Another Panel: Mark crying tons and tons of mantears as strippers pass by with disgusted looks on their faces.
Mark: Why is the world so hard for a white male cishet god!?

Another Panel
Serafina: "Oh, shut up. You're lucky you're hot and I'm horny and this comic book needs a little drama, so open up that mouth and take my vagina, you clod!"

PAGE NEARING THE END I HOPE: Fuck you, DidioOOOOOOOOOOOO!

A Panel
Serafina: "Let's promise to fuck later! I'm going back to the party to drop hints about us to Dreamer and watch her squirm!"

Another Panel: A mysterious woman approaches Mark from behind.
Mystery Woman: "Nice boner."
Mark: "It works! I'm in love!"

MORE PAGES UGH!

Some Panels: The Mysterious Stranger turns out to be that woman that lived near Big Bear's New Gods Complex Apartment or whatever. Leilani or something.
Leilani: "Let's fuck."
Mark: "What? NO! This boner is not for you!"
Leilani: "Why not? Prude."
Mark: "Slut!"
Leilani: "You will die by my father's hands and your bones shall be strewn amongst the wreckage of this planet!"
Mark: "Wait. What? Do I know you?"

Last Panel: Leilani skates off masturbating furiously.

Page Sixteen.

The last four pages of script are a printed out group text to penciller Daniel HDR from Didio and Giffen.

Didio: Goddamn it, Giffen! You were supposed to introduce the Lord Aagog plot hinted at from Futures End!
Giffen: Fack oo. I've drunk.
Didio: Daniel, make sure Mark doesn't let Leilani skate away. And she isn't fucking masturbating! Don't you dare try to sneak in some cute FAP sound effect or something!
Giffen: FAP FAP FAPPITY FAP FAP
Didio: If Julius Schwartz hadn't put that clause in your contract that forces DC to give you work until you die, I would so fucking fire you, Giffen!
Giffen: FAP FAP FAPPITY FAPPITY FOO!
Didio: Dan, make sure Mark explicates who Lord Aagog is and how he leads the cult of Yuga Khan who is Darkseid's father! You got that?
HDR: My last name is weird!
Giffen: Fiffee dollars unt no more, kay? hurry up boner failsing
Didio: Wrong text window, Giffen.
Giffen: WHoopsees!
Didio: Go ahead and just finish out the last few pages with a battle between Marc and Leilani, Thumpa, Killsandra, and Enchanthrax. Better known as The Femmes Fatales! I'm going to bed.
Giffen: Wait. wait wait wait wait wiait.
Didio: What?
Giffen: I love you! Bwa ha ha ha!

Infinity Man and the Forever People #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book was awesome! And then it was changed and printed differently. Whatever.