Justice League vs. Suicide Squad #3

I hope this ends in weird sex.

The Justice League are now Amanda Waller's prisoners. This happened because a writer is writing this and it doesn't have to depend on facts or what would actually happen if superheroes were real. I know you're thinking, "Tess, since they're not real, how can you purport to know what would actually happen if Joshua Williamson wasn't directing the action?" To that I reply, "Don't question me, you stupid asshole!"

If you're wondering where I learned to debate so well, I'll tell you. One of my closest friends in high school, Soy Rakelson (that's not his real name! It's been changed to protect Roy Sakelson's identity!), was a conservative religious fellow. He taught me a lot about arguing because he argued a lot. The main things I learned were to never actually debate things point by point, always accuse the other person of believing the thing that you really want to argue against, and always direct the argument toward one of your pre-made logic traps that they will totally fall into so that you can say, "A-ha! So you admit the thing I believe and think you should believe too!" The only problem is that he wasn't very good at camouflaging his traps so you could see them from a mile away and nobody ever fell into them. But now, after spending so many years debating Soy, I've become fantastic at debating! That's why I totally won that pretend debate in the first paragraph against a pretend person.

While Amanda Waller gloats, Rick Flag and Katana are investigating The Catacombs. That's the Super Duper High Tech Cosmic Prison where Max Lord found his new friends, the Super Duper Suicide Squad. They'll probably find some clues which will give Amanda Waller a great idea to team up the Suicide Squad with the Justice League. Everybody knows the "vs" will eventually become an "us". I don't mean it literally so that the title reads "Justice League us Suicide Squad." I meant it in a cutesy figurative way that if you understood it, I applaud you. If you were confused, remember that stupid asshole comment? Go read it again!

Back at Belle Reve, Batman escapes from the Hannibal Lecter suit Amanda Waller has put him in. Then she's all, "Oh, oh! I knew you were going to escape but I thought you would have done it so much earlier. I was just having some fun! You know I wouldn't intentionally harm the Justice League! I'm a sweet lady, Bru...er, bats! Remember we're pals! Um, put that boomerang away!"

It's the Justice League so my fangender brain is disappointed that they were defeated so easily. But the other part of my fangender brain is screaming, "You fucking tell that Batjerk, Amanda!"

Later there's some comedy between the Suicide Squad and the Justice League that just isn't funny. It's not terrible writing or anything! It's just sort of "Yeah, yeah. I get it. Harley is supposed to be funny. The other characters laughing is a big clue." Then Superman has a touching moment with Killer Frost where I'm all, "Yeah, yeah! I get this isn't funny because nobody is laughing. I guess it's sweet, maybe? Or Superman being inspirational?" But then Deadshot interrupts because he's even more cynical than I am.

When has Deadshot ever seen anybody in the Squad die?! In this context, "survivors" has the exact same definition as "Suicide Squad members."

Max Lord and his Super Duper Suicide Squad head to an island in the South Pacific to pick up one last member of the team. The story treats it like a big mystery, as if the reveal is going to be spectacular! Except the reveal was already revealed in DC's ginormous pull-out poster advertisement. They're getting Eclipso. Now let's move on with the story!

Back at Belle Reve, Amanda releases the Justice League after speaking with Batman. She's shown him the Black Box footage from The Catacombs prison break and Batman has decided the Justice League should see the footage. Because they should probably stop this threat even if it means working with the Suicide Squad.

How is this guy a threat?! Wook at how adowable he is! Jus' wook at 'im! Who's my cutesy-wootsy Wobo?!

I fucking hope to Hell Twat Lobo never makes another appearance in the DC Universe ever again. Unless, of course, it's so Real Deal Lobo can kick his stupid fucking ass.

Max Lord appears on the security footage and Preboot Superman recognizes him. He gets really fucking angry too! Because Max Lord killed one of Superman's best ever buddies, Ted Kord! They were practically the closest friends ever. Aside from Booster Gold being Blue Beetle's best friend, of course! And aside from the fact that Superman probably never took him too seriously. But I think Max Lord called Lois Lane a cunt once as well, so Clark might be upset about that.

Amanda Waller reveals the reason the Super Duper Suicide Squad wants to kill her: they were the first Suicide Squad. Wow! Sometimes people refer to a concept known as "going overboard" and I think this might be the most overboardiest anybody has ever gone! That's a lot of fucking power to deal with international political bullshit. And how the hell did Amanda get her hands on these killers? I can guess at Rustam but the rest? Maybe Emerald Empress fell out of a Time Bubble with amnesia and was easy to manipulate. And I guess Doctor Polaris is sort of a normal villain but he's Super Duper because he's so similar to Magneto and Marvel has spent decades proving that Magneto is the most powerful human "villain" in their universe. And I guess she could have just hired Lobo! And Johnny Sorrow might have just been writing sad poems when Amanda was all, "Hey, Johnny Truant? I've got your meaning of life right here!" So, yeah, I guess this Squad's origin is totally explainable!

The Review
+1 Ranking. I'm so happy that Real Deal Lobo is back that this book could have been written by Ann Nocenti and I would be excited. Although now I'm sort of wishing it had been written by Ann Nocenti because I miss her incomprehensible dialogue and her inability to actually write the story she tells people she's writing in interviews. Why was I so hard on her?! You never know what you've got until it's gone! My sweet, sweet Ann!

Justice League #7

I wish Superman wasn't in the way. I want to see who is fucking Cyborg from behind.

Currently, the Justice League believe they have saved the world. But whatever they think they've saved the world from seems to have infected the world. I don't think it's Red Dawn yet even though everybody is getting angry because this story is called "State of Anger" and not "Red Dawn." Calling it "Red Dawn" would have been a total giveaway. Everybody is so angry for no reason that last issue ended with Superman pushing himself away from his family's dinner table and declaring, "I have to go kill The Batman now!" It's a good thing Batman doesn't trust any of the other Justice League members and most likely has all of their domiciles bugged! Now he'll probably be waiting in the Batcave in his Anti-Superman Suit with the Red Sun Brass Knuckles and the Kryptonite Strap-on.

Apparently Batman is too busy dealing with his Survivor's Guilt to hear the "Superman is Finally Coming to Kill You" alarm going off like crazy behind him. How is it that Bruce Wayne spent years traveling around the world becoming proficient in every kind of fighting style, learning every kind of crime scene investigation technique, and studying every bullshit mystical mental technique but never went to a therapist to deal with the trauma of surviving that night in the alley and watching his parents die? Now he thinks he's responsible for every death on the planet because why should he, The Batman, live when other people die?! How fair is that?! Also, he spent dozens of years training to stop death and he still hasn't defeated it! What a failure.

Bruce does end his pity party by thinking "My punishment is coming," so maybe he did hear the "Superman is Finally Coming to Kill You" alarms going off like crazy behind him. And immediately after he thinks that, Superman crashes through the Batcave wall and begins to strangle Bruce. Geez, Superman! Once again, you're proving Batman's point that you're way too dangerous to be allowed to live. How many times is Batman going to allow you to be manipulated by some villain before he just puts you down? You can only use the excuse "He usually doesn't bite!" four or five times after your dog mauls four or five children before you're forced to put it down. Maybe even just one time! Or none even!

Why would Superman think Batman would suddenly be responsible for his family if Clark died? And where did all this anger come from?! Did something happen between Lois and Bruce that demands a flashback?! A really detailed flashback?!

Meanwhile, Wonder Woman and Aquaman are having a strange conversation on a beach as they pull a sunken aircraft carrier out of the ocean. Aquaman is all, "I could destroy the world if I wanted too!" And Wonder Woman is all, "Me too! I could totally do it!" And Aquaman is all, "One more fish fucking joke and they'll see!" And Wonder Woman is all, "One more comment about somebody 'wondering' what's under my skirt, and they'll see!" I wish they'd both say, at the same time, "And fuck that Batman!"

Wonder Woman and Aquaman conclude that, since they're royalty, it's their right to take over the world and force them to be less violent. The only problem is that Aquaman and Wonder Woman are never going to agree on how the world should be run after they take it over. Didn't they read Flashpoint?

Because Cyborg and Simon Baz are part of the Justice League, the story wastes a few pages on what they're going through too. It's not worth talking about. I mean, Cyborg is as boring as vanilla ice cream. And Simon Baz is as boring as a container of vanilla ice cream that barely has anything but frost left in it that your stupid sibling put it back in the freezer and you later took it out because you wanted some ice cream and saw it was empty and then didn't even really care because, enh, vanilla!

Back at the exciting fight between Superman and Batman, Batman tells Superman that he wants him to kill him. That's when Superman stops killing Batman because Batman is always telling Superman what to do and Superman is sick of it. He screams in frustration and then they both sit down to figure out why they're flipping the fuck out. But first, nobody's checked in on Barry and Jess's date!

It seems to be going fine.

The Justice League is being ruled by their fear now because some disembodied voice keeps whispering in their ears and infecting them with fear and paranoia. They're all just dealing with their fears differently. But while most of the League are just shutting down because their fears are personal, Aquaman and Wonder Woman are going to take over the world because they have a fear of trusting people. That's probably going to put the Justice League in a terrible place after this story is over. It's okay to sort of let them do their thing when they're saving the world from weird space threats and godlike existential horrors hellbent on using the Earth to destroy existence. But when they decide to save the world from itself by forcing nations to do what they want? That's way out of line! I can't see how Aquaman and Wonder Woman aren't going to be hunted down as supervillains after this story. I guess Batman can just call a press conference and explain it all away. "Sorry! Sorry! We all just had some bad oysters! We're cool now!"

Jessica manages to drive the Fear Thing away because she's a Green Lantern and Barry reminds her that being a Green Lantern is about overcoming great fear. He learned that from Hal Jordan who could never stop reminding everybody about how good he was at overcoming fear. But after the Fear Thing is gone, Jessica points out that they're all going to have to live with what just happened because the Fear Thing didn't implant those fears in them; they were already there! So this story was more like the Buffy musical episode, "Once More With Feeling," than I even suspected when mentioning it last commentary. They've all exposed their fears to each other and to the world and now everything is going to be super awkward!

Jessica decides to quit the League because who needs two Green Lanterns in the Justice League? That's just overkill! They've got their own comic book for that kind of mass Green Lantern action.

The Ranking!
-1! I don't give a shit about these stories where the writer is all, "Aha! I've got a way to make the heroes look more human by exposing their secret fears!" It's not even really a shortcut to character building. What it feels like to me is how when somebody makes a subtle joke where the humor is in the subtlety and then somebody decides to repeat the joke but in a blatant way and that person thinks they're the one who came up with the joke? I hate that shit. This is that shit.

Justice League #4

Come on, Front Cover Blurb! There's no "Superman" in "Team"!

The Facts!
• The world is coming to an end and nobody actually cares. Mostly because they've all formed up into gigantic human meat puppets and gone on a trip to Canada. But even though it looks like humans have joined together and decided on taking some kind of action to defend the Earth, the Justice League has decided they don't like how regular folk are going about it and they're going to stop them. I suppose whenever somebody does something that you think is wrong, it's best to simply assume they've been mind-controlled. Usually Batman would advise the Justice League to stay out of international politics. But then Batman is better at judging situations than I am. He probably noticed how everybody was suddenly speaking with the same voice and a light bulb exploded over his head and he was all, "This seems fishy!" Then Aquaman was all, "What was that? You wanted me?" And Batman was all, "Wonder Woman, tell Aquaman I will never speak to him ever."

• If mind-control really existed, our courtrooms would be full of prosecutors throwing their hands up and screaming obscenities every time the defense made their opening statement which would, of course, begin, "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I wonder if you're familiar with...mind-control!" Then when the prosecutor is being warned about outbursts in court, they can just say, "Sorry, judge. I was just mind-controlled." Later when everybody breaks for lunch, they can all head out to the taco truck, order some tacos, and then run away without paying while yelling, "Mind-control!"

• I wonder if parents would be proud when their child first used mind-control to excuse their shitty behavior? Or would they just yell, "I'll show you mind-control!" Then they'd start undoing their belt with the belt buckle that says "mind-control" on it. Then when they're arrested for child abuse, they could just say, "Mind-control!" And since the police knew the case would be thrown out like all cases involving mind-control, they'd beat the shit out of the parent and tell their superiors they were suffering from a temporary case of mind-control.

• You would think my ruminations on a world with mind-control would end in some jokey manner where the last example I give doesn't end in mind-control but that would be a disservice to my serious thoughts about a world full of mind-control. I don't want to turn it into a huge joke. Mind-control is serious business.

• I don't remember why I brought up mind-control and I'm too busy to reread what I just wrote. So instead, I'll start discussing Justice League #4! According to the cover, this is the issue where Superman makes everybody question the need for a Justice League if he's going to be the one saving the world all by himself on a regular basis.

• I almost ended that last bullet point with "on the regular" but then I remembered I'm old. And it's a risky affair to use slang as an old person because the slang we know probably has already changed by the time we know it and then young people scoff at our attempts to use it. Which is totally ageist but ageist in the direction that isn't gross and problematic, apparently.

• I eschew most slang and trendy phrases anyway because I tend to just come up with my own ways to describe things, being that I'm an individual and not a needy piece of shit desperate to prove that I'm in the know!

Yeah, Jess! So just let them all through the wormholes and take a fucking break. Flash has this!

• Simon actually continues his thought which is just restating what Jess just said. Stop the freaky things from getting to Earth so that The Flash doesn't have to do it all himself. I suppose Jess is specifically talking about the Space Bed Bugs and Simon is talking about the Space Mattresses. But it takes a lot longer than the two seconds anybody is going to spend reading this page to figure that out.

• Comic books are easy to write because even if you feel you're being unclear as a writer, you know that the readers are just going to breeze past anything that doesn't quite make sense, especially when it happens on the first page and they can't quite remember what was happening in the story since they read the last issue a month ago. Or two weeks ago, I suppose.

• The Green Lanterns have apparently stumbled upon the Alien Bed Bug Mattress Factory. So their job is to stop it at the source. Meanwhile, The Flash is killing the Alien Bed Bugs that made it to Earth. Cyborg is burning clothing on the Watchtower. Wonder Woman is arguing with the Kindred. Superman is readjusting Earth's Ben Wa balls. Aquaman is showing off his collection of crystal Precious Moments Zodiac figures. And Batman is mumbling under his breath about how they're all doing a terrible job.

• The Alien Bed Bugs not only have the capability of rewriting a person's DNA but they can also hack computer systems. So Cyborg is, in the Victorian parlance, "buggered like an unchaperoned orphan."

• No wait! Cyborg is more the buggerer! His Firewall is apparently so big that the Alien Bed Bugs couldn't put it out. Or climb it. Or climb down it and back up the other side? No wait! That's more of a firebreak! Anyway, Cyborg uses the Alien Bed Bug's language against them and knocks them offline. So I guess they're Alien Robot Bed Bugs. As if the threat couldn't get any more confusing!

I prefer the Victorian phrase. It just has more character.

• The Kindred begin singing their song to the universe to save the world. I'm still betting that they're some sort of world defense set up by Lord Arion millennia ago. Now that was a hero Atlantis could be proud to call their own!

• Aquaman hears and understands The Kindred's song. Probably because it's in Altantean! Their song reveals that the world will end if they don't get their hands on a complete set of crystal Precious Moments Zodiac Figurines! Especially the Leo with the really big, sad eyes! So Aquaman rushes off with his toys to save the world.

• That's a laugh, isn't it? Aquaman saving the world? The only way that could reasonably happen is if a writer sat down with an editor and they brainstormed a story in which Aquaman would be allowed to be the big hero. It was probably a terribly difficult day in the office but occasionally you have to put in the long hours. Figuring out a story about Aquaman saving the world though? That was probably a long weekend. With a lot of alcohol and cocaine.

• The alcohol was to help loosen them up and think outside the "Aquaman is useless" box. The cocaine was to keep them from falling asleep thinking about Aquaman for hours on end.

A worldwide earthquake that was off the Richter Scale? I guess that's the end of everything! The Justice League didn't save the world! The end!

• Instead of assuming that every single building in the world just collapsed onto every single person in the world, I choose to believe that Cyborg's Richter Scale software was fucked up in the Space Robot Bed Bug attack. The quake was probably just a 2.4.

• Cyborg gets a nice information dump from the Alien Robot Bed Bugs which isn't as Two Girls, One Cup as it sounds.

• Should I italicize Two Girls, One Cup? Or would it be considered more of an "in quotations" kind of story?

• Oh, um, Cyborg's explication! It turns out the Alien Robot Bed Bugs were built to purge the universe of humanoids. But instead of killing them, The Purge just turns them into something else. Like Humanoid Centipedes, maybe? That part is unclear! The part that is clear is that Earth's Ben Wa balls are a fail-safe to prevent The Purge from turning everybody into Humanoid Centipedes. Whoever placed them in the Earth would prefer everybody die before they're claimed by The Purge. That's weird. So way before Earth had humanoids on it, somebody installed a method of destroying the Earth just in case it developed humanoid beings and was subsequently targeted by The Purge. That seems like an awful lot of work and planning for something that might never happen. I suppose whoever placed the Ben Wa balls in Earth were working from a prophecy, or information from a time traveler.

• Meanwhile inside the Earth, Superman impotently beats against one of the three gigantic earthquake machines (you know! The Ben Wa balls! I decided maybe I should describe them more accurately. Although, to be fair to Ben Wa balls, they do make things quake). Superman can barely stand the heat and the pressure inside the Earth and his punches do nothing to the single ball he's attacking. Even if he finds a way to stop this ball (probably with his freeze breath or his disintegration semen), how is he supposed to travel around the world to the next Earthquake Machine? He doesn't have a portable Boom Tube and Cyborg already said he can't help Superman out once he Boom Tubed into the core.

• Why am I speculating on how Superman can't win? That's a hurdle Bryan Hitch needs to jump! I can just sit back in the stands watching him hurdle and waiting for the hot dog guy to come by while holding my piss because I'm not pissing in the fucking trough shoulder-to-shoulder with all the other drunk assholes splashing their piss everywhere!

• Batman has nothing to add to the world saving.

• Wonder Woman, on the other hand, is busy interviewing The Kindred. She finally stopped smashing lightning bolts into their face long enough to have a conversation with them. It's not much of a conversation.

Wonder Woman: "Who are you?"
The Kindred: "Who are you?"
Wonder Woman: "I'm Diana!"
The Kindred: "No, no. Who are you?"
Wonder Woman: "I'm an Amazon!"
The Kindred: "No, no. Who are you?"
Wonder Woman: "I don't know! I seek truth! Am I truth? I'm truth!"
The Kindred: "Seems reasonable."

I'd push it the other way. It would be like popping a huge zit! Plus once Superman breaks through the mantle, he can get Cyborg to Boom Tube him to the next Earthquake Machine!

• Superman shoves the ball deep enough so that it's crushed. Now he has to figure out how to get to the next one. This issue is almost over so Superman's problem probably won't be solved until next issue. That would have given Bryan Hitch some time to think about how to solve the issue. I hope it has to do with Aquaman's adorable new collecting hobby.

• The Flash has once again had his speed stolen by The Kindred and now the last of the Alien Robot Bed Bugs are devouring him. Sorry, transforming him! Not into a Humanoid Centipede like I was thinking! No, Simon and Jess discover exactly what it is The Purge is turning humanoids into: copies of Cyborg. So what is this? A new origin story for Cyborg? The unknown Red Room technological contraption Silas Stone used to save his son must have been something from The Purge, right? And then it was hooked up to a Mother Box so Cyborg could have some individuality and distance from The Purge (also, since The Purge wasn't a thing when Cyborg was created or when he was retooled multiple times or when he was rebooted or, even, when he was rebirthed, it's no wonder it's never been mentioned before!).

The Opinions!
To sum up: The Purge has been turning humanoids all across the universe into Cyborg replicas for eons. Something has installed World Breaker technology into planets to destroy the planets before The Purge can Cyborg everybody. But The Purge still always manages to Cyborg everyone even while the worlds shake apart and are destroyed. During the World Breaking and Purging Events, The Kindred try to sing a song. They've never been able to complete their song in time and so who the fuck knows what it does. This time though, thanks to the Justice League delaying The Purge, The Kindred are going to finish their song. As long as Wonder Woman fails to stop them, of course. So I think that all makes sense? Sort of? It's a bunch of shit happening that was set in motion so long ago that nobody knows why it was set in motion. It's just too bad for Earthlings that Earth was targeted long before Earthlings even inhabited it. You'd have thought that maybe whoever created the World Breaker Balls would have come for them to place them in another world when dinosaurs were ruling for millions of years. They would have been all, "Well, I guess that planet isn't going to have sentient humanoids. It'll be sentient gigantic lizards for sure. Let's grab the World Breaker Balls and stick them in another potential planet!" Maybe the World Breaker Balls' creators are long dead. Or on strike! Or maybe just on break. Who knows how long it takes an ancient probably omnipotent being to smoke a cigarette?

The Ranking!
+0.

Cyborg #5

This is demoralizing. I'm not even through the Looney Tunes variants yet!

This must be the last Looney Tunes variant though because Cyborg has been running about a month late. Although I've got another Cyborg in the stack so it really feels like DC has been pushing to all of their titles back on schedule by the end of this month. That's probably why there were two Justice Leagues of America and two Justice Leagues and a couple of Batman Europas and about fifteen DC Bombshells. I'm about two weeks behind before I can get back on a timely schedule where I'm writing about comic books that have just come out. Although, let's face it. Nobody cares about comic books that have just come out. They only care about comic books that are three to six months from coming out. I really should just do reviews of the solicits.

If I remember last issue correctly--and I believe I am remembering it correctly because I'm currently bored--the Technosapiens had invaded Earth and Cyborg, along with the Metal Men, were Earth's last line of defense. Hopefully something exciting will take place this issue or I'm going to have to revive my Old Trivia That's Probably Totally Wrong Now!

The first few pages aren't helping change my mind about how boring this comic book is. Cyborg gets his leg chopped off by Alternate Universe Sarah Charles (unless it was bitten off by the monster that was eating him. But Cyborg blames Sarah so I'm going to go with that rather than what was in the art) and then she teleports him away from Earth. That means it's now up to the Metal Men to stop thinking about the many ways they might convince Superman to fuck them all and to start saving the Earth. Instead they choose to run because they're incompetent.

Really? Really really real?

Over in Alternate Universe Detroit, Cyborg regenerates his leg while say a bunch of stuff I don't understand. But I'm totally impressed by it because I don't understand it so it must be super scientific and totally explains how Cyborg can now regenerate his body. He can also transform it from flesh to metal. So he doesn't actually need to look like a Cyborg anymore, does he? Although his look is currently the most interesting thing about this comic book so it would be a mistake if he decided to look human.

Do not read anything in the following scan if you are operating heavy machinery.

I'm so fucking bored!

Cyborg tries to lighten the mood by throwing in the occasional joke but then he says "Who's joking?" and I scream "No kidding!"

Cyborg throws in a bit of social commentary too but I was yawning too much to care. And then the comic book goes for the kill! It's like it knows that what little interest I had when I began reading this comic book is quickly flagging, so it decides to mesmerize me with some serious repetition.

I should have followed this guy's advice.

Do I have to explain that the KERTHUNK was the Metal Men saving these guys? It's not like that was a twist of Hitchockian proportions. Besides, they seem to be the only heroes left in the DC You. It's also possible that this alien invasion has only affected Detroit which is why the rest of the world hasn't noticed. That's totally believable.

Back on Alternate Universe Earth, Real Sarah Charles pulls Vic aside to tell him a secret. I think she was going to tell him that she's pregnant so that a little drama could be injected into this buzzkill. But instead she points out that she can hear his heartbeat. Which--I'm guessing!--she couldn't hear before. Previous to his discovery that he had regenerative powers, all she could hear was the hum of his disk drive spinning.

As I mentioned in previous commentaries, the romantic relationship between Sarah and Vic really should be front and center. Instead Larry Walker has chosen to highlight yet another alien invasion. I think that alien invasion would be more interesting if it took place as Vic was desperately trying to get laid. Seriously, the first thing you'd figure he'd want to do after regrowing his penis is make use of its secondary function! Unless doing it is its primary function and peeing is the secondary function.

No kidding no kidding no kidding!

I wonder when it will be time for jokes?

Not now! Now is the time to quote an overrated line from They Live!

Cyborg and his new gang of Alternate Universe Misfits teleport back to Earth-You to battle the Techno-Sapiens once and for all. I'm guessing it's the final battle because it's leading into the sixth issue and that's the general length for stretching out stories that probably could have been told in two issues.

Cyborg #5 Rating: -1 Ranking. Was I too subtle in my efforts to describe this comic book as boring? It would be a shame if you walked away thinking you should pick up this comic book. I mean, if you've got insomnia and nothing you've tried has worked, I'd recommend giving this book a try. My life is no better or worse from having read this comic book. I might even be more refreshed because I'm certain I just had a dozen micro-naps during this read. Usually when a comic has built up more than one issue in my "To Read" stack, I'd just get them all out of the way at once. But I'm legitimately concerned that if I read Cyborg #6 right now, I could pass out and bang my head on the corner of my desk.

Robin, Son of Batman #7

Damian is my hero.

Damian Wayne is my hero because he doesn't suffer bullshit gladly. I understand people of less than or average intelligence are desperate to claim niceness as a quality far more important than intelligence but it drives me nuts. Do we have to lie about so much for the purposes of being nice that we become saddled with dozens of crappy traditions that nobody really wants to take part in?! I just mentioned on Facebook that my favorite Christams tradition is shredding the photos of my friends and family's children two seconds after I've glanced at them. Yes, this statement is hyperbolic. Usually I just throw them in the "to be shredded" basket. But why is that a bad thing? Shouldn't I acknowledge the truth of what I do with pictures I don't really give a shit about? Is there an appropriate amount of time I'm supposed to pretend to cherish them before I destroy them forever?! Or are my friends and family seriously asking me to hang on to these pictures until I die?! They must know that nobody fucking wants this shit cluttering up their lives, right?! I can understand this tradition when things like fucking social media, email, and texting didn't fucking exist. But now I see pictures of your stupid fucking kids every day! Why do I need a hard copy of them?!

Other than that (and the smugness of people giving me gifts I told them I didn't fucking want), my Christmas was pretty good! I got my Kill/Death Ratio in Call of Duty up to 2.12 so that it equaled my Score Per Minute of 2.12! It's almost orgasmic seeing those numbers lined up so nicely! Also I ate a lot, read DC Comics Presents: Titans Hunt #1, and played Apples to Apples Junior with the Non-Certified Spouse, her sister, our niece (her sister's daughter! Just in case some of you internet trolls don't know the definition of "niece"), and the girlfriend of some step-something or other. I wish all these holiday interruptions were over already but now I have to have dinner at my dad's on Sunday! Christ, he's still alive?!

Um, anyway, this issue begins on the roof of the Gotham Police Department where some Talons have ambushed the Robins. It's a good thing three real Robins are in the crowd of Robins or else they'd all be dead in the amount of time it takes for me to shred a Christmas card.

Here's where the whole "no killing" rule really falls apart.

Batman and the Batfamily do not kill. It's practically the first rule, as Dick pointed out over in Batman and Robin Eternal. But apparently the rule has a whole list of clarifications and exceptions. Aliens are generally okay to kill if they're monstrous and don't speak Interlac. They might be sentient and have their own grunty language but to Batman they're fair game. Apparently it's also okay to kill the Talons because they've been reanimated. Does that mean it's okay to kill Damian or Jason Todd? What about Superman and Batman? Superman "died" once, right? And Batman is currently only alive because he's a partial Toymaster video game construct! I think. Holy shit that story was awful! No, don't get distracted by remembering Greg Pak's failures! Must list more reanimated heroes that it's okay for Batman to kill! Here's one: Swamp Thing! A monster and reanimated!

Some people might want to argue the semantics of "resurrected" and "reanimated" but have you read The Court of Owls story arc and it's tie-ins? The Talons are as sentient as any of the heroes I've mentioned who have been resurrected. Calling them "zombies" or "reanimated corpses" is just ignoring a lengthy philosophical debate on what makes something sentient. And I'm not even touching the rabbit hole we'd fall down if we brought stupid fucking animals into the equation!

The debate is actually moot since the Talons regenerate at room temperature. Luckily, more of those flammable barrels that were in the prison are also on the roof. As was sort of seen in the ambiguous art of the last chapter of Robin's War, the barrels contain some kind of freezing chemicals used to power the air conditioners! I think. Some of my jumps I take to conclusions are Olympic level. But if they are freezing chemicals, we know what they're going to be used for, right?! No, not huffing, cheeky monkey.

Oh. These ones actually explode as opposed to the ones stored inside which...well, they did something different.

Elsewhere in Gotham, Councilwoman Noctua continues to prepare Gotham for a Court of Owls takeover. And beneath the city in the layer of Gotham above Nocenti's Stupid Gotham Underground but beneath Killer Croc's sewers and the Gotham subway system, Dick Grayson has entered the Court of Owls' labyrinth. He's gone to find answers but he's really just going to find a trap because he's the one the Court really want. Tonight is the night Dick Grayson once again becomes Nightwing! At least that's what they're hoping for. I doubt that will happen because Dick is already in a really successful comic book that isn't called Nightwing at all.

But this is a Robin, Son of Batman comic book so Dick fucking Grayson can hold his giblets. Back at Gotham PD, Damian blows a hole in the roof and the Talons drop to their temporary deaths. All of the Robins (being smarter and more agile than the Talons, I guess?) manage to grab on to the hanging jail cells and not plunge to their permanent deaths. Riko mentions how she saw a Talon at Gotham Academy (probably in the Gotham Academy Tie-In I haven't read yet) so the Robins figure it's as good a lead as any. During the ruckus, Damian has disappeared because that fucking idiot must have forgotten about this being a Robin, Son of Batman comic book. I guess Jason Todd and Tim Drake need to fulfill their roles in this comic since their monthly comic books are ass.

Tim, Luke, and Jason send most of the Robins home because no reader is going to remember dozens of different names. Plus it's a pain in the ass to draw so many people. So now it's just a handful of Robins going after the Owls living at Gotham Academy: Tim, Jason, Luke, Riko, Dax, Dre, and Izzy. I think.

I append "I think" to a lot of my sentences because fuck if I can remember anything, especially names.

They stumble upon the Talon's hatchery when help arrives.

Elite Talons!? What the fuck are those comprised of?!

The Robins and Batman somehow defeat a room full of Talons without the Elite Talons waking up. Batman calls in the cops and sends the kids off to the next chapter.

Meanwhile Dick Grayson meets the new leader of the Court of Owls...Lincoln March! Oh shit. So he is going to be behind all the shenanigans in Batman and Robin Eternal, isn't he?!

Lincoln March declines to invite Dick to be the Court of Owls new superstar because Damian already accepted the position. That must make Lincoln March the dumbest supervillain to ever take an oath of supervillainry! Damian Wayne is playing you, you fool! You shouldn't be throwing Dick Grayson away because you think Damian is honestly on your side! You should use Damian's attempt at sabotaging your organization through treachery to help convince Dick Grayson that he has to be the new Gray Son or the Elite Talons will tear Damian apart! Maybe Lincoln March's stupidity is proof that the reanimated Talons aren't as sentient as I thought and it is okay to kill them. At the very least, Stephanie Brown is technically not a murderer.

Robin, Son of Batman #7 Rating: No change. I'm actually quite enjoying this Robin War no matter my tone while writing about it. I'm not really sure of my tone since I've already forgotten everything I typed on this page and am ready to move on to working on my Cribbage Role Playing game that I'll be sending to all of my Patrons as an end of the year bonus. So you should learn how to play cribbage or you won't be able to enjoy it. Although I'm having Pickle Boy write an addendum to the rules which are just the rules for cribbage. Mostly I've asked him to take care of that part so when the game is inevitably delayed past the end of the year, I can blame it on him not having gotten his part finished.

Convergence: The Adventures of Superman #2

Okay but seriously, this issue is going to be called "Gorilla Warfare," right?!

I spent all day setting up a new laptop. Most of that involved networking it with my old laptop and transferring my iTunes library. The other major hurdle was digging up the installation disks of all the ancient programs I use in making my fantastic web presence known. I still use Microsoft Frontpage 2000 but mostly because it's like an HTML Notepad. It doesn't force a lot of stupid code into every new document you open and you can just barebones program the ass-fucking fuck out your page in much the same way that that cowboy webpaged up that other cowboy in that movie I never saw that was about quitting smoking. I also use Corel Photo-paint because I've been working on Dwarflover, a web comic, off and on for the last fifteen years. Since it's a collage comic, all of my regularly featured characters and their multiple body parts for ease of making action packed panels exist as Corel Photo-paint files. Plus I use so few features on these old programs that it's easier to tear my house apart to find the installation disks than to learn an updated program. Although I hate updated programs because I'm always getting buried in all the bells and whistles. When people say you can't teach an old dog new tricks, they're right even if they're right in the wrong way. Old dogs don't learn new tricks because fuck you and your stupid tricks. I'm enjoying not acting like a fool and jumping through your Goddamned hoops just fine, assholes.

So now I'm going to open this comic book and read "Gorilla Warfare!" by Marv "Can't Imagine Why I Haven't Retired Yet" Wolfman!

You know what? That's not fair to Marv. I think it's about time I come clean and tell everybody why I seem so biased toward Marv's writing in The New 52. It's because I am. That motherfucker lied right to my face at an Elfquest panel at Comicon fifteen years ago and said that the Elfquest movie was in motion and would be in theaters in just a few years! How dare you destroy all of my young hopes and dreams?! You, Marv Wolfman, are the reason my wonder died of starvation and my innocence was flushed down the toilet! I'm not surprised all of your comic book plots involve rape of some kind seeing as what you did to my tender, young, optimistic past self!

This issue also doesn't have a title. That's weird enough for me to rest my Sherlock Holmesian case and say Marv did name it "Gorilla Warfare" but the editors thought better of it and just left the story without a title.

But before we can get to the gorillas, Superman and Supergirl need to defeat all of the Phantom Zone criminals who don't understand that Jor-el saved their fucking lives. How about trying this next time you get the chance to escape the Zone, guys? Shake Superman's hand. Thank him profusely. Walk out of the Phantom Zone. Put on a pair of glasses. Get a job at the Daily Planet.

Is there a particular reason Kryptonians in the Phantom Zone are so strong? Was this in the era where anybody from Kryptonian was a super-person the instant they left Krypton's suck-ass heavy gravity and horrible chemical pollutants and debilitating bovine growth hormone?

Meanwhile in New York, Kamandi watches an army of talking gorillas battle an uppity talking humanoid rhino. Those guys are always sticking their noses into other animal's business! Don't hate me for that joke! Also don't point out that a Rhino's horn isn't a nose or anything like a nose because it's actually hair coated in semen.

Lucius manages to reopen the portal to the Phantom Zone and Supergirl and Superman escape after some minor drama.

This new laptop is so beautiful and powerful that I really should be using it to play games and not writing about comic books. I'm practically ignoring its sexy sleek design for something that costs five hundred times less than it! Or something. I'm not a mathematician! At least not anymore. Taking Calculus in high school as college prep and then having to take it yet again my first year of college as a math prerequisite for the computer engineering degree I abandoned for literature helped me realize that I never really cared how much water a dam could hold. Derivate this, assholes!

Lucius is the exact opposite of me! He knows so many math equations that his brain doesn't have room for trite and boring cliches.

The fire that Lucius is trying to describe is a city full of apes armed with automatic rifles. That looks like a job for Superman! Or The Flash.

Superman meets Kamandi who acts like a total fanboy. Superman is all, "I know, I know. Pretty fucking amazing, aren't I?" Supergirl meets General Symian and the reaction is a little bit worse. She punches an ape in the face and doesn't seem to have any qualms about it. I guess once an animal starts speaking, it becomes fair game for abuse from humans. But just think if the city were invaded by talking humanoid kittens and baby goats? Who would come to the rescue then?! Some asshole that loves punching cute things, I guess! Batman?

The apes blow up a building (probably a famous one that New Yorkers jerk off over constantly while they point out how stupid people from Chicago sound) so that they can get away while Superman acts like Superman and rescues people in trouble. He knows that he can deal with the damn, actually quite hygienic ape after the humans are safe. Plus he's met his new friend Kamandi who knows a lot about where General Symian likes to hang out, like the pond at Central Park or the dark theater just off of Times Square with the glory holes that look just like gaping ape sphincters. Probably because they are.

That first ape was talking real sexy before General Symian had to get all kill crazy.

General Symian captures Superman and chains him to a nuclear missile because he's obviously been reading too many of Kamandi's "ancient texts." Just murder him, you stupid ape! Oh wait. He's Superman. How do you murder Superman? I guess you could try strapping him to a...oh! I get it now! Keep up the good work, General! You are using Kryptonite for those chains, right? Otherwise...well, you know.

Guess what happens?! The otherwise! Superman easily breaks out of the chains and then flies the nuclear missile up into the sky while Supergirl rescues Kamandi. Supergirl's other job is to punch more monkeys.

That sounds like it would make a fun board game. Is this an acceptable trademark of Punch More Monkeys? I will sue your ass if you steal my idea for a game!

Supergirl just throws one punch to defeat the monkeys which is anti-climactic. That's how most of my loads and loads of Canadian and Summer Camp ex-girlfriends described me! Anti-climactic!

Kamandi is all, "Well, I guess you won and I'm going to stop existing soon. I'm going to go spend the last few seconds of everything with my friends." And Superman is all, "Great! Nice to meet you! Take care!" Then the earthquake hits and the story claims to be continued in Convergence #6. Which I guess it kind of was. Sort of.

Convergence: The Adventures of Superman #2 Rating: This issue wasn't bad. I was hoping for a really touching moment between Kal and Kara since Kara knows she's going to be dead soon (or at least truly believes it). Instead she just hides her feelings about it and tells Superman that she's just really worried about him. Could you worry any more about something with next to no chance of it happening?! He's Superman! Unless Lex Luthor straps on a kryptonite condom and buggers Superman in the K-hole (we would also have accepted the euphemism, "Fortress of Solitude"), he pretty much can't die. Anyway, this issue rates Six and a Half Headbands out of Ten.

Divergence: Martian Manhunter
"J'onn J'onzz always said he was the last of his kind. He lied. When Mars launches a full-scale invasion of Earth, the Manhunter will have to decide where his loyalties lie."

Please! We all know where J'onn's loyalties lie! Can Martians make Oreos? No? Well then! Kill the fuck out of those bastards!

NASA has lost contact with a man-and-womanned mission to the moon so the woman in charge, Helen Demoff, called in Martian Manhunter to check it out. She's all, "We need to study him because he's an alien that doesn't look human so can we really trust him? I mean, he's green! Plus, did you check out the Abs-Window on that uniform? GOOSH!" She also makes sure to explain his powers since most people that aren't huge DC Comics fans have just read the title of this Sneak Peek and went, "Who? What the fuck is a J'onn J'onzz?"

J'onn mentions, just before finding three dead astronauts torn apart by a white martian, that he experiences past memories constantly due to his psychic connection to everything. So he basically hallucinates as he walks around the surface of the moon. He also mentions how if the humans knew how harrowing his every day experience was due to being so closely tied to the trauma of his past, they would fear him even more than they already do. And then the white martian shows up and it says J'onn's name and I think it calls itself Epiphany and then it heads to Earth to cause trouble.

J'onn reports back to NASA and is all, "Yeah, um, the screen door on the lunar lander failed. Repeat. Screen door failed. All dead. No martian murderers up here. Also I'm pretty sure I wasn't hallucinating and that I didn't accidentally kill the astronauts although who can really say being that my experience of reality is kind of fucked up." And Helen Demoff is all, "Um, thanks for your help!" And Helen's assistant mutters under his breath, "Should have called Superman."

I think Martian Manhunter's series is going to be the Memento of comic books this year. Look to be confused by it when it hits the stands next month!

Convergence: The Atom #2

I said everything I had to say about Steve Dillon's artwork last commentary.

Last issue ended with Ray Palmer surprised to find that Ryan Choi has been living inside of his hand for the last year. That has to be sort of embarrassing, right? Hopefully he couldn't see out somehow and just thought Ray Palmer went on the lake in his rowboat a lot. Especially in the morning right after he woke up. Or in the shower. Or in a public bathroom stall in the middle of the day after seeing some nipples poking out of a particularly lovely sweater.

During that year, Ryan was able to communicate with Ray in such a way that Ray thought he was going crazy. Apparently Ryan was able to say everything except "Hello, Ray! This is Ryan Choi! I seem to be lodged in your right hand! Could you please masturbate with your left one until we can puzzle out this dilemma?"

Ray and Ryan don't have much time to figure out how this insanity happened because Ray's foe, Barracuda, isn't as dead or knocked out as he seemed to be at the end of last issue. Barracuda is back up on his flippity floppity feet and trying to kill Ray.

No, I'm looking through you and Ray finds you intangible. You are, indeed, a ghost, sir.

Ryan says that when he was murdered, he made a connection to "that other place." Ray guesses Ryan means heaven but Ryan says, "Ray. Physics." I don't know what that means! Does Ryan mean he's in the Anti-Matter Universe and the portal is in the palm of Ray Palmer's hand? See? Palmer? It's a clue!

Ryan only needs a tiny of a fraction of his brain power to beat up Barracuda, so while he does that, he's also thinking about Ryan's riddle.

I guess it's not the Anti-Matter Universe so much as the Extra-Matter Universe.

Ray decides that Ryan deserves a chance to live again. Ryan is all, "No! No! I've enjoyed living my life in the shadow of a white man!" And Ray is all, "No! I will not be a party to this injustice! I've been so gross and problematic this last year! You will be more than just an extension of me! You will be more than my right hand Asian sidekick!" Ray then tells Ryan to get ready because he's about to have a body!

Whoops! Ryan has been living in the other hand! You should have told him the plan was to get inside the hand he hasn't been getting into for the last year! Idiot!

Hopefully Ryan can reform Ray's hand into the shape of a man because life is going to be really awkward as a disembodied hand.

Ryan can and does! It's impressive! No, wait. I meant it's gross and disgusting. Ray's thumb becomes Ryan's head! I hope Deathstroke kills him again because I'll never be able to take Ryan Choi seriously. Ray probably used him to wipe his ass! Ryan's head has probably been inside Jean Loring's asshole!

What's wrong with being a cynic?!

Ryan enters one of Barracuda's pores and does something medical to him so that he can't polish his trident anymore. That's enough for the Atoms to declare victory and be teleported back to Gotham where their real opponent awaits: Deathstroke!

Ray wakes up in the hospital to find there's been no sign of Ryan Choi. But his hand is still missing which means that Ryan is still out there somewhere! Unless it was all a psychotic delusion and Ray sacrificed his hand for a hallucination. Although that's just what Tom Peyer wants us readers to think, the tricksy devil! Ryan has probably been down at the YMCA showering nonstop trying to get the smell of Ray's cock and balls off of himself.

Later, Deathstroke decides sneaking into a hospital room and murdering Ray Palmer in a backless gown is the fairest fight he'd like to get into at his age.

Get it?! Unarmed man?! Ha ha! Good one, Ray!

Ryan hops out of Ray's Shrinking Belt because he was lying in wait all this time! He knew Deathstroke would try to kill Ray! Somehow! Probably because he read the script beforehand. Hee hee. Before"hand"!

Speaking of hands, Ryan uses his new control over the Extra-Matter Universe to redistribute some of Deathstroke's mass to Ray Palmer. Ray gets his hand back and Deathstroke becomes...well, probably the biggest laughingstock at the Mercenary Ball.

His cock is going to look huuuuuuuge!

I suppose Deathstroke is placed in Arkham Asylum after this encounter because he's probably insane now and he probably has a new, wackier name like Tiny-Hand-Stroke. Ryan and Ray go off to start a Chuck E. Cheese. And that's it!

Convergence: The Atom #2 Rating: Surprise! Ryan Choi is alive again! Of course he's alive in a universe that no longer exists, so does it really matter? I still think seven of the worlds in this tournament are going to be moved to the seven question mark planets in The Multiversity Guidebook. So DC will once more have the Pre-crisis universe of Earths One and Two, the Post Zero Hour Universe, and the Pre-Flashpoint Universe. That leaves three extra worlds plus Telos. Maybe they'll save those for the next crisis that kills The New 52.

Divergence: Green Lantern
"'Renegade'! Beginning a new chapter in Hal Jordan's life as he becomes the universe's most wanted outlaw."

Just because Hal beat the shit out of Kilowog and stole one of the most powerful weapons in the universe, he's got to be labeled a bad guy? That doesn't seem cool. I suppose I'm going to have to buy into the conceit that Hal has turned himself into a martyr to preserve the Green Lantern Corps dignity and the respect the rest of the universe has for them. Or once had for them. Or will once again have had again.

That space cop from a recent Green Lantern, the one that totally disrespected Hal, has found Hal loitering in the orbit of his planet once again. This time he's bound to teach Hal a lesson and arrest him. He'll be a huge big shot in at least one, maybe two billionths of a sector. Hal turns it around on the guy and kidnaps him to Hal's ship, the Darlene. I bet he was a huge fan of Roseanne.

Be here next month for Green Lantern: Wiseguy!

Hal dumps the Chief in space and takes off. But he does leave the Chief with a beacon and a space suit so he can be rescued as soon as Hal is out of the Sector. And then Hal is off to continue his undercover work across the universe in his spaceship named Darlene! Yeee-haw!

Convergence: The Adventures of Superman #1

Supergirl is so lucky she got domed.

This convergence bullshit doesn't make any sense. If Supergirl was domed before Crisis on Infinite Earths, how did she die during Crisis on Infinite Earths? DC Comics! I demand you provide readers with Return To Infinite Crisis On Infinite Earths One Final Time Hour and fix this bullshit! I'm so sick of your universe not making any sense! How am I supposed to figure out which super hero can win in a fight against another super hero if your continuity is all fucked up?! The most important thing in my life is being able to logically explain how Blue Beetle can kick Ambush Bug's ass through the transitive property! How can I do that if I can't make sense of your universe?! I'm so confused! I'm off to read Marvel.

*disappears for fifteen minutes*

Holy shit. Um, I'm sorry, DC. Your universe is just fine the way it is.

This issue begins with Marv Wolfman writing it so it already has three strikes against it. And there were already two outs. And the ballgame had been over for a week already anyway.

Supergirl and Superman are hanging out with Lucius Fox in the Batcave.

The city has limited supplies of everything but Batman is still able to finagle extra parts for backup. I bet he's hoarding all of the morphine and sour candy too.

Pre-Crisis Gotham City is just full of the best superheroes! Batman. The Flash. Superman. Supergirl. Those other ones. So many!

Lucius has developed a helmet that I can't explain very well. Lucius is trying to build a Phantom Zone Projector but he doesn't know how. But since Supergirl saw the Projector when she was little, she should retain memories about how it was built because that makes no sense but this is a comic book so just go with it, asshole. While Supergirl wears the helmet, she watches Lucius place random parts beside each other. When two parts come together that were part of the projector, the lights on the helmet glow green. When he places two parts that don't go together near each other, the helmet glows red. So basically the helmet will be red for the next twenty years as he jams random pieces of technology together.

Is it really universal? You'd think at least one race in the universe would realize that red and green are stupid colors to use to indicate yes and no due to colorblindness. But then that might just be a fault in human genetics. But then that makes it even dumber that Lucius, a human, is still sticking by red and green as indicators. How about using an LED display that says "Correct!" and "Wrong, you stupid piece of shit!" instead?

Lucius gets lucky on his second placement of the crystal and the Phantom Zone Projector is ready to go! Now he just has to send Superman and Supergirl into the Phantom Zone where they can walk until they're past the edge of the dome and then come out of the Zone! It's a brilliant escape plan! Except as soon as Lucius sends them on their way, Planet Brainiac drops the dome. Whoops!

Oh! Oh! Is this issue entitled "Gorilla Warfare"?! Please please please please please!

Supergirl and Superman explore the Phantom Zone searching for a way out. While they fly about, Supergirl is all, "Remember how my dad built a dome over Argo City to save it from the death of Krypton and your parents?" And Superman is all, "Weep weep weep." And Supergirl is all, "Maybe that's what happened to Gotham! Somebody domed it because Earth and the Kents were destroyed!" And Superman is all, "Blubber blubber blubber blubber."

Superman gets tired of crying so he changes the topic of conversation. Next Superman is all, "I'm so logical and smart but you aren't which is why I admire you. You're emotional and more emotional." And Supergirl is all, "I don't know what to say, dick." And then they're attacked by prisoners of the Phantom Zone who despise the House of El even though it was Jor-el who saved their lives and gave them another chance if only they could get out of The Phantom Zone. Too bad every time one of them breaks free of the Zone, they decide to squander their second chance at life and attack Superman instead. Idiots.

See? Idiots. Every single one of them.

Supergirl beats up the four prisoners that followed her. She then finds vents of a special Golden Age gas that shows a person their past and future. It has to be from the Golden Age because it's so ridiculous.

Streaky!

Supergirl sees the cover to Crisis On Infinite Earths #7 and freaks the fuck out. She's going to die without ever having known the unsatisfying sexual exploits of a human male!

Kara cries over her virginity for a few hours before realizing that Superman should have caught up with her by now. So she flies off to rescue him. Or to hold his dead body in her arms while she screams at the harsh randomness of existence.

Supergirl finds the prisoners standing around her unconscious cousin making the biggest mistake of their lives.

I mean after the mistake that got them arrested and put into the Phantom Zone in the first place. Probably called Jor-el a nerd to his face.

Supergirl begins taking out the Phantom Zone prisoners one by one and leaving them in a mass grave.

What the hell is that guy wearing? A Kryptonian Censorship Bar?

Supergirl rescues her cousin and flies back to the Golden Age Gas Pit. A rupture appears in the sky but as she's flying toward it with Kal, the criminals ambush her. They delay her long enough for the rupture to close. Now they'll never get back in time to take part in Gorilla Warfare!

Meanwhile back in Pre-Crisis Gotham City, an army of gorillas have invaded. And with Superman and Supergirl trapped in the Phantom Zone, there are no heroes left in Gotham to stop the damn dirty apes! Except for Batman. And The Flash. And all of the other ones.

Convergence: The Adventures of Superman #1 Rating: This issue didn't have a title. I bet Marv Wolfman wanted to call it Gorilla Warfare but editorial nixed the idea because how many times has that stupid pun been used previously in comic book history? Like twenty at least! Although maybe next issue will be called Gorilla Warfare! That's more apt since the apes just invaded on the final page!

Here's my real review: 6.5 Goblets out of Lots of Goblets.

Convergence: The Atom #1

"You had an Atom on you but I killed it."

As I picked this comic book up to scan it, I got my first real look at it and thought, "Ugh. Steve Dillon!" Then I checked the artists and didn't see Dillon and thought, "Oh, guess not." But then I pulled the comic out of the scanner to get a good look at it and saw Steve's name under the hand. I'm glad he's just the cover artist!

My guess when they began casting for AMC's Preacher was that they were going to match actors with Glen Fabry's covers. If they went by Dillon's art, they could just hire a bunch of clones and put different wigs on them. But then I decided to do a search to see if they've cast anybody yet and found that they have cast Jesse Custer and Tulip O'Hare.

Elizabeth Perkins has the exact shape of the one face Steve Dillon can draw!

Compare Elizabeth Perkins to the shape of the face on the cover of The Atom! Flatten the bottom of Perkins' chin a bit and they're nearly identical! Then when I saw a picture of Dominic Cooper, my mind was blown!

It's like I'm reading the comic book all over again!

My biggest regret when I'm on my death bed will probably be how there won't be enough time to list all of my regrets. All those people who die with the words, "I have no regrets!", on their lips are lying, soon-to-be-dead assholes! Even if I only had a few regrets to mention before death, nobody would be able to understand them through my incessant scream-weeping.

This is my last issue of the first week of Convergence! Soon I'll be able to read about the next Multiversal Thunderdome Match-up! Then I can grow steadily more and more bored with that one!

According to some nobody on the streets of Gotham during Speed Force #1, The Atom has gone crazy. Probably because he couldn't impress the ladies with that trick he does with his penis and his growing powers.

The issue begins with some kids trapped in a collapsed warehouse and The Atom arriving on the scene to save them.

They're less than thrilled about it.

The kids hope The Atom can help by going to get somebody who can help. But The Atom has a trick up his sleeve! Or in his glove! Not in his pants, asshole! He seems to have retained the power to make his hand grow! He digs the kids out with his elephant masturbating hand and then creeps them all out by trying to touch them with it. They take off while The Atom continues to speak with a voice in his head. Since this is the Ray Palmer Atom and I know Ryan Choi is supposed to be in this too, my guess is Ryan Choi is stuck as a teeny, tiny person inside Ray's brain. As for why just his hand grows? I don't know. I'm sure it's symbolic of some issue. Probably an onanistic issue. Not the real definition of "onanistic" which is pulling out during sexual intercourse which I'm surprised is in the dictionary judging by the way people have come to use it to mean having to do with masturbation which is the second dictionary definition and the way I just used it! Thanks, dogma, for making shit up that isn't actually in The Bible but which everybody now believes. Ignorant fucking priests just trying to control everybody through lies and misrepresentations of The Bible's text.

After rescuing the kids, Ray Palmer jumps in front of a news microphone to remind everybody that Slade Wilson is a dick. Slade Wilson just happens to be at home watching the local news which really causes me to lose respect for him. Watching the local news is the worst sin he's every committed.

Slade Wilson in his "disguise."

Wilson throws on his old costume so that people on the street will recognize him and stay clear as opposed to how he's pretty sure that out of his costume with his shaved head, they don't recognize him at all even though they all stay clear of him anyway. He hunts down The Atom and tries to blow him up. I bet Slade Wilson has a heart attack during this fight. Isn't he just an old man without his regeneration?

The Atom's imminent death is interrupted by Planet Brainiac's poem about how there can be only one city. And then The Atom is teleported out of the city to face Barracuda, one of the Extremists. I guess the editors at DC didn't really care how each writer got their chosen hero into battle with their chosen antagonist because the story reasons have been all over the place. Some were chosen. Some just happened to be attacked. Some have been transferred to a different location to fight. Some have just blundered into battle. At least according to Batgirl and Harley Quinn, lists of champions were provided to the city. I bet more of the process will be explained in the weekly Convergence title.

The Atom takes a moment before getting swept up into battle to see if Barracuda wants to join forces to take on Planet Brainiac. But since Barracuda is a bad guy, and a stupid one at that being that he's one of The Extremists (they aren't very smart, for the most part), he'd rather just kill The Atom. After that, he can just sit back and wait for the rest of The Extremists to win their battles.

Ray Palmer defeats his villain before the second issue even begins! I bet because the real battle will be with Deathstroke! Also, he's got to spend a lot of time finding out why Ryan Choi was living inside of his hand all of this time.

Ryan must have felt really awkward when Ray would masturbate.

Convergence: The Atom #1 Rating: Just because The Atom's hand can enlarge, why does it automatically make me think about masturbation? I might have a problem! I think you know when you've matured and become a real adult when you're not constantly snickering about masturbation. Not that I don't think masturbation isn't a serious subject! Masturbation itself isn't funny. It's an activity that everybody should engage in. If you want to please your future life partner (not to mention the dozens of sexual partners you'll have before you find your future partner), you really should know what pleases you. That advice might be more towards women since strong breezes will please most men. Some people think that masturbating steals your chi and destroys your creative energies. But I think masturbation clears your mind! Do it in the morning and you'll have several free hours where you won't be constantly thinking about sex. Unless a super hot person bends over in front of you while in the office or while getting your morning coffee. Then, of course, you'll have to go masturbate surreptitiously in a public bathroom. Just to, you know, get your mind right again.

It's after a summary like that when I get the most people asking me what I really thought of the comic book. But the thing is, you don't really care what I think about any of these comic books. What does my opinion matter? I'm just a big dope that spends an inordinate amount of time reading funny books that I barely even care about! My opinion is worthless! Better I just talk about self-pleasure.

The Creeper #1

I expected to scan this cover and just get a gigantic lens flare.

I'm just going to read all of these in random order, so lets get Ann Nocenti's amazing piece of crap out of the way first. Bonus: Story by Dan DiDio!

So back in the 16th Century Japan which is a time when there were Japanese people and it was the 16th Century, a small boy named Jakku allowed a demon to live behind his tongue. "It's okay, Jakku," it would say when his father would begin drinking too much and verbally abusing the rest of the family. "Everything will be okay, Jakku." Jakku would waggle his finger and speak in a raspy voice when he was being the demon. Or pretending to be the demon, the Ninja Therapist his parents took him to would say. "You see, Mister and Missus Jakku, your son is suffering from a disassociated personality. He's escaping what he finds to be an insufferable home life that doesn't provide him the adequate feeling of love and safety needed for a young boy his age. Might I suggest a long, extended vacation? Perhaps to a monastery up on Mt. Fuji? They're completely isolated in the worst parts of winter and I hear one of them needs a caretaker for the winter while the monks go on a religious sojourn. Perhaps you and your family could go there and bond." The family thought this was a divine idea, especially the mother! Jakku's father decided he could get some Haiku writing done in the peace and stillness of the deserted monastery. But Jakku was worried that a change in locale would not confer a change in his father's attitude. "I don't want to go, Mr. Jakku," complained the demon before killing Jakku's family and the entire village leaving Jakku to wonder how he, alone, remained alive. "It will be okay," said the demon. "Everything will be okay."

I fucking can't stand arbitrary chaos! Give me well-scheduled and orderly chaos every fucking time!

For twenty years, Jakku's demon made him do horrible, terrible things but then left the blame on a passing tornado every time. But that did not fool The Mad Samurai! And since the Mad Samurai didn't know that Jakku's Demon had already explained why it chose Jakku on the first page, The Mad Samurai repeats the story on the third page. But you'd have thought that Ann Nocenti would have noticed.

So the Mad Samurai destroys Jakku and his little demon buddy. I think the Mad Samurai's name is Halloran and he wields the Soultaker Sword!

I'm pretty excite for Doctor Sleep, the sequel to The Shining set to be released this month!

So The Mad Samurai fought his way to the top of the Sword Clan of the Outsiders. He says he was crazy and he says crazy people know they're crazy. But he can't speak for all crazy people. He can only speak for himself. I suspect it's more that crazy people, at times of greater lucidity, suspect that they might be crazy. Like Philip K. Dick!

In my later years when I'm somehow recounting the tale of my death, I'm going to be sure to use a lot of sexual euphemisms.

Once inside the Soultaker sword, The Mad Samurai was tortured by The Creeper as was every other soul which was inside the blade. But only a few matter because they're characters that have been set loose from the sword over in Katana, like Maseo and Mona Shard and probably the Dragon thing that Killer Croc is supposed to be turning into his best friend.

Eventually the story begins to repeat shit from Katana. As if I ever needed to revisit that garbage! For some reason, The Creeper decides to possess a corpse. I'm not saying that I think that's stupid since this is a comic book but I am typing it: that's fucking stupid. But I suppose since The Phantom Stranger got him killed for The Font in the Sky's mysterious purposes, The Font in the Sky miraculously kept Jack Ryder's body in a state of near death and perfectly sealed freshness.

Once The Creeper possesses Jack Ryder (a feat known as "riding" which Ann Nocenti will never let us fucking forget. "I'm gonna ride this!" "Gotta go find a body to ride!" "Ride 'em if ya got 'em!" "Ride, ride, ride, ride, ride, ride, ride!"), it goes on a random spree of chaotic randomness. It's truly terrible for all of the boring people trying to live boring lives who don't fucking care about things that ambitious people actually think everybody cares about. How dare people just want to raise a family and have a quiet life?! Ugh! So fucking boring! You should be out burning shit down or drinking a lot or yelling "WOOOO!" everywhere you to prove to everybody around you that you're living an exciting life!

I really don't like The Creeper. I have the smallest inkling of suspicions that it's because Ann Nocenti is writing him though.

Some stuff happens and people say Ryder is dead and other people say Ryder isn't dead. Then some other stuff happens and people say Ryder is dead and other people say Ryder is not dead. Then some sort of different stuff happens and people say Ryder is dead and other people say Ryder is not dead.

I can't tell if Jack Ryder is dead or not!

Whatever the case, The Creeper begins forcing people to commit atrocities overnight so that Jack Ryder can report on them in the morning. I don't think that's the Creeper's main reason; he just likes arbitrary chaos. But that's what happens anyhow. And then one night, The Creeper gets tired of letting humans have all the fun and he flips the fuck out on San Francisco.

If I could make one wish, I wouldn't waste it on world peace. I'd wish that Ann Nocenti would never write another line of dialogue for the rest of my life. Yes, my life. When I die, she can get back to it.

Then Jack Ryder experiences the same sense of grief and loss and survivor's guilt that little Jakka Torrance felt way back in 16th Century Japan. Get it? They were both named Jack! Hee hee hee hee! THE CREEPER!

The Creeper #1 Rating: Fuck you! I'm not rating this piece of shit! We do all realize that this is our only life, right? Because I don't think I've fully comprehended it yet. Why else would I spend so much of my finite awareness in this universe on Ann Nocenti's writing?! What the fuck is wrong with me? I must be punishing myself for some past sin that I can't quite remember. Or can remember but won't tell on a blog without first researching the statute of limitations on the punishment for that sin!

One non-Ann Nocenti thing that I did learn while reading this comic book is that it doesn't really matter which comic book the Villain has taken over because they're only tentatively linked to each other. So The Creeper is a magic creature so he gets to take over Justice League Dark. Even though it would have been better off if this were an issue of Katana. My guess is that DC actually wanted to sell some copies of The Creeper #1, so they didn't want to tie it to that crapfest Katana.