Cyborg #9

Victor beat Billy at table tennis so Billy said, "Let's see you in a mystical fist fight!"

Rating: This series is much better than the first story arc although not by a lot because it's all been tainted by how boring the first six or seven issues were. Cyborg's dialogue is still that of a witless blowhard but at least he isn't telling jokes which he (or another character) then has to explain are jokes because they're not very joke-like. I'm sorry to say that I still don't think this comic book is worth picking up no matter how badly DC Comics wants Cyborg to become their next big moneymaking character. I wonder how many people were confused by the Silas Stone video in Batman Loves Superman: Dawn of Just Us? I guess Cyborg is more mainstream than I give him credit for since he was part of Cartoon Network's Teen Titans cartoon for years. Did anybody else think he sort of acted like the fifth Ninja Turtle in that cartoon?

• Everybody is making pretend spoiler jokes about The Walking Dead finale so here's mine: Hurley wakes up in the mental hospital and realizes it was all a wet dream.

• No wait! Here's my The Walking Dead fake finale spoiler: fan of the comic book series continues to buy the trades even though they're getting more and more boring and Charlie Adlard is still drawing the art. How many times do I have to read two or three pages about a character before some other character finally calls them by name so I can quizzically say, "Oh! That's who that was?!"

• Currently, Cyborg is being hassled by the government because he has "unregulated technology". I mean, he is unregulated technology? It doesn't really matter. The main thing to focus on is that the government is, once again, being a bunch of Douchéstorks. Here's how government apparently works: a bunch of ignorant people become frightened of something that causes sadness, corporations see an opportunity to make a ton of money by playing on this fear and lobby the government for laws that will help calm the populace while also increasing their revenue in some way, government officials receive generous kickbacks to get the proposed laws on the book, some weird fucking kid has a hallucination on the steps of congress, and the bill becomes a law! Everybody has a new illusion of safety! Hooray!

• If you read the last bullet point and came away with the idea that I'm anti-government, you couldn't be more wrong. The government serves many important functions and should actually serve a bunch more for the real comfort and safety of the people. It's the politicians and their fervent, idiotic bases who would rather be angry and ignorant than knowledgeable and happy whom I despise.

• The government has brought Captain Marvel along to arrest Cyborg because he's obviously quite dangerous being a black man. I mean, a man with unregistered cybertechnology who will be treated like any other white guy with the same technology. Except that's not true, is it? The white guy with unregistered cybertechnology was offered a job with the government. The black guy is getting hassled and physically attacked!

• This issue is called "Pub Lice Nemy #1". I don't get it.

• Forty-five days ago, Cyborg told the Justice League, "I'm a fucking member of this League, right? So for once, you're going to deal with my fucking problems! And don't think you're going to run off on some Superman or Batman adventure while dealing with my problems! I'm calling Dibs, you fuckers! Stop treating me like a junior member of this squad! I mean league!"

• It might not be a bad idea to have Cyborg join the Suicide Squad. It needs a Rick Flag-esque ethical compass on it!

• After the flashback, the narrative returns to Captain Marvel and Cyborg's fistfight. But with a sly wink and a touch to the side of the nose to the reader! Because now we know this is all show! Probably.

• See? Just like I explained earlier!

• Forty days ago, Cyborg and Batman hung out in the Batcave exchanging knowing glances as they did all sorts of illegal things. But illegal in a good way because they're good guys! Duh!

• Also in that scene in the Batcave, Cyborg shows some non-exciting reasons why he's useful. Like how he can read legislation in a nanosecond and point out the bits that are important to their case. I think that used to be one of Alfred's jobs!

• Batman and Cyborg discover that anybody with any kind of cybernetic implant will be controllable by the government if the legislation passes. Also, Cyber-Tech's CEO and shareholders will become filthy rich. Cyber-Tech's employees will have to figure out their own health insurance and 401K because the company has to pay so many taxes!

• Why is Superman acting like the government hasn't tried to do the same thing to him multiple times? And why is Wonder Woman being such a dick about it?

• Cyborg casually tells Superman that he could murder him in less than five seconds. Dude! Chill!

• Cyborg tells everybody his plan to defeat the American government and then shows his friends his penis.

They likey!

• "Showing them his penis" is a euphemism for revealing that he can turn into a human and not a joke about something that's bigger than a breadbox and can be put in my mouth. It's also a reference to how the Cyborg character had issues with being an emasculated black male made safe for white consumption by destroying his genitals. Kind of like how that rich white asshole Santa Claus had his elf pull out all of the teeth of the Abominable Snowman and then put it in chains. Fucking Rudolf. I can't believe that racist propaganda is shown every year! And don't think I don't know what Rankin and Bass really meant when they were calling the Abominable Snowman a "bumble"! Bastards!

• If anybody has read That Cavortin' Bastard's rant on Rudolf and is now thinking, "Christ, Tess! You just stole all of those revelations from That Bastard!", you should realize that I wrote that.

• Cyborg's big plan was to get caught by the government. And it's successful! I guess he just needed the Justice League to stay out of it so he could destroy Cyber-Tech from within.

Cyborg #8

It annoys me when a comic book company green lights a cover of a comic book that could have been drawn by me.

Rating: Probably -1 Ranking even though I haven't opened the cover yet. I have feelings about this book. Rather, I have nearly no feelings about it and will probably be thoroughly bored while reading it.

Remember when a man stalked and killed a young man named Trayvon Martin and we all decided that we were fine with people believing the man was within his rights and should be allowed to go free while we, angry and upset, did nothing more than write comments like this online and pretend like we were fed up with it even though we've continually just did nothing more than be angry since then? Apparently this incident happened exactly four years ago today even though I only discovered that when I consulted Lord Google to make sure I was spelling Trayvon's name correctly because that would be embarrassing if I got that wrong and there's nothing worse in America than being embarrassed on the internet. I guess my body has an internal rage alarm clock. Good thing something is acknowledging the rage since I'm too busy reading comic books to try and make the world a better place.

Cyborg and Captain Marvel (Fuck calling Billy "Shazam" when he's got his Man Pants on) beat up on a guy named Zookeeper who would be lucky to wind up dying on the Suicide Squad. The jokes they make at his expense continue the same tired trend of this comic book where Cyborg believes he's wittier than he really is. He keeps saying he's a genius and that might be true in that he can do a really complicated math problem or build a super computer that turns farts into fuel. But he's terrible at cracking wise at other people's expense.

His father Silas Stone must be the same kind of genius because he rebuilt his son out of alien technology and yet at breakfast he asks his son to pass the syrup while he's holding the syrup bottle.

This is why dumb people think smart people are so dumb! Because not smart people write smart characters but can't write them in a way that's smart because the writer isn't smart enough to write a convincing smart person! Also dumb people always invent all sorts of caveats to what "smart" actually means. So if they don't know anything and are completely ignorant of even the smallest scientific facts (like, you know, an American), they claim that at least they have common sense and street smarts unlike smart people who are sooooooo stupid when it comes to doing everything that isn't answering questions on Jeopardy. Or what about those insecure people who have to label a bunch of different ways for a person to be smart so they can find a category to fit into? "Well, I'm smart at organizing books on shelves! Genius at it, even! Oops, I shat myself!"

The worst thing about being the smartest person on the internet is that nobody believes me!

It's not even a good joke since half the creatures are reptiles or amphibians!

The narrative of the story keeps jumping back in time so after Cyborg makes that hilarious joke about the situation being hairy, the scene jumps back to 59 days previous to an "undisclosed location." Why would nobody disclose the location to the omniscient narrator? You'd think at least the narrator would know where every scene was taking place. This just feels like lazy editing! The editor has decided they don't want to take a stand and declare some new organization's location in the DC Youniverse. Which totally makes sense since nobody even knows what state Gotham is in.

The secret facility is where Cyborg's real enemies are gathered. They're congressmen and lawmakers who want to pass laws limiting people's access to cybernetics because a black man owns some. It's not the cybernetics that make them feel unsafe. It's the fact that a black man owns more than they do! So time to pass a law declaring them illegal! At least for certain people. You know what certain people I mean.

Let me translate this for the dumb people who accidentally stumbled upon my blog and haven't been offended enough to stop reading yet! "Technology that only a few elite people understand" means "science and math is hard to understand and the people who understand it are assholes who think they're so much better than me because I can't even figure out which way to put a Pop Tart into the toaster." "Unregulated forays into dangerous territories" means "facts that are demonstrably true but which I can't understand because I just learned that Kit Kats shouldn't be shoved up my anus." Things which "can be easily compromised and turned against humanity" means "minorities can use them against us!"

The guy with the eyepatch (an indicator of bad guyness unless his name is Snake Plissken and then he's a double bad guy bluff good guy. Maybe it depends which eye the eyepatch is on) doesn't understand what Senator Champlin is saying so he says Senator Champlin isn't saying anything. That's a total dumb guy tactic! You know how when a really smart person zings a dumb guy, the dumb guy thinks he'll really get one over on the smart guy by pretending not to understand the zinger which only makes the dumb guy look dumber but he's too dumb to realize it so he keeps using that tactic.

Oh Billy. That's the joke Cyborg was making. You didn't make the joke you just made it less subtle. Not that it was subtle in the first place. And since that's the case, Cyborg is complimenting his own joke.

I'm glad David Walker constantly has other characters pointing out that somebody is making a joke or saying something funny or I would have missed every fucking joke since this comic book began. So far in this issue alone (I can't remember how often he did it in the other issues but I've pointed it out before), there's been the one I just scanned, the time Captain Marvel repeated one of Cyborg's jokes and said it was hilarious, Zookeeper screaming that he's not a joke, Cyborg's dad pointing out Cyborg's ability to keep telling jokes in the face of disaster, and the Zookeeper screaming at Cyborg to stop making jokes. I'd complain that David Walker doesn't need to keep reminding us when things are funny but since none of these moments have actually been funny, he'd better keep it up before I take this thing too seriously.

Your penis, right? You're going to show him your penis! Let me know now if I should laugh at it!

The issue ends with the government's goons going after Cyborg because he didn't properly register his cybernetics with them. Fucking government! Always trying to take away the black man's teeth! Like in that Rudolph Christmas special where Santa defangs the Abominable Snowman and puts him in chains. Bumble, my ass. I know what Cornelius really means when he calls it a Bumble. You can't snow me with your "white truths", you fucking Snowman!

Cyborg #9 Rating: No change. I know I put the rating at the beginning and pre-rated the comic book but that was because I didn't realize this was going to turn into an actual commentary. It was less boring than previous issues of Cyborg although David Walker seriously needs to put a cap on how many times somebody points out that something was a joke. It takes up about 25 percent of the dialogue in this thing!

Cyborg #5

This is demoralizing. I'm not even through the Looney Tunes variants yet!

This must be the last Looney Tunes variant though because Cyborg has been running about a month late. Although I've got another Cyborg in the stack so it really feels like DC has been pushing to all of their titles back on schedule by the end of this month. That's probably why there were two Justice Leagues of America and two Justice Leagues and a couple of Batman Europas and about fifteen DC Bombshells. I'm about two weeks behind before I can get back on a timely schedule where I'm writing about comic books that have just come out. Although, let's face it. Nobody cares about comic books that have just come out. They only care about comic books that are three to six months from coming out. I really should just do reviews of the solicits.

If I remember last issue correctly--and I believe I am remembering it correctly because I'm currently bored--the Technosapiens had invaded Earth and Cyborg, along with the Metal Men, were Earth's last line of defense. Hopefully something exciting will take place this issue or I'm going to have to revive my Old Trivia That's Probably Totally Wrong Now!

The first few pages aren't helping change my mind about how boring this comic book is. Cyborg gets his leg chopped off by Alternate Universe Sarah Charles (unless it was bitten off by the monster that was eating him. But Cyborg blames Sarah so I'm going to go with that rather than what was in the art) and then she teleports him away from Earth. That means it's now up to the Metal Men to stop thinking about the many ways they might convince Superman to fuck them all and to start saving the Earth. Instead they choose to run because they're incompetent.

Really? Really really real?

Over in Alternate Universe Detroit, Cyborg regenerates his leg while say a bunch of stuff I don't understand. But I'm totally impressed by it because I don't understand it so it must be super scientific and totally explains how Cyborg can now regenerate his body. He can also transform it from flesh to metal. So he doesn't actually need to look like a Cyborg anymore, does he? Although his look is currently the most interesting thing about this comic book so it would be a mistake if he decided to look human.

Do not read anything in the following scan if you are operating heavy machinery.

I'm so fucking bored!

Cyborg tries to lighten the mood by throwing in the occasional joke but then he says "Who's joking?" and I scream "No kidding!"

Cyborg throws in a bit of social commentary too but I was yawning too much to care. And then the comic book goes for the kill! It's like it knows that what little interest I had when I began reading this comic book is quickly flagging, so it decides to mesmerize me with some serious repetition.

I should have followed this guy's advice.

Do I have to explain that the KERTHUNK was the Metal Men saving these guys? It's not like that was a twist of Hitchockian proportions. Besides, they seem to be the only heroes left in the DC You. It's also possible that this alien invasion has only affected Detroit which is why the rest of the world hasn't noticed. That's totally believable.

Back on Alternate Universe Earth, Real Sarah Charles pulls Vic aside to tell him a secret. I think she was going to tell him that she's pregnant so that a little drama could be injected into this buzzkill. But instead she points out that she can hear his heartbeat. Which--I'm guessing!--she couldn't hear before. Previous to his discovery that he had regenerative powers, all she could hear was the hum of his disk drive spinning.

As I mentioned in previous commentaries, the romantic relationship between Sarah and Vic really should be front and center. Instead Larry Walker has chosen to highlight yet another alien invasion. I think that alien invasion would be more interesting if it took place as Vic was desperately trying to get laid. Seriously, the first thing you'd figure he'd want to do after regrowing his penis is make use of its secondary function! Unless doing it is its primary function and peeing is the secondary function.

No kidding no kidding no kidding!

I wonder when it will be time for jokes?

Not now! Now is the time to quote an overrated line from They Live!

Cyborg and his new gang of Alternate Universe Misfits teleport back to Earth-You to battle the Techno-Sapiens once and for all. I'm guessing it's the final battle because it's leading into the sixth issue and that's the general length for stretching out stories that probably could have been told in two issues.

Cyborg #5 Rating: -1 Ranking. Was I too subtle in my efforts to describe this comic book as boring? It would be a shame if you walked away thinking you should pick up this comic book. I mean, if you've got insomnia and nothing you've tried has worked, I'd recommend giving this book a try. My life is no better or worse from having read this comic book. I might even be more refreshed because I'm certain I just had a dozen micro-naps during this read. Usually when a comic has built up more than one issue in my "To Read" stack, I'd just get them all out of the way at once. But I'm legitimately concerned that if I read Cyborg #6 right now, I could pass out and bang my head on the corner of my desk.

Cyborg #4

I'd rather read about this version of Cyborg.

I realize that most people have trouble with reading comprehension so from now on I will write only in straightforward simple sentences. I will eschew ambiguity. I shall renounce subtlety! I will say only what I mean and mean only what I say! Although at that point, everything I write will be boring, unfunny, and most likely not worth anybody's time. Kind of like this comic book!

No wait! I didn't mean that! I'm reasonably sure that some comic book fans out there really enjoy this comic book so I shouldn't say it's not worth "anybody's" time! That's the kind of sweeping generalization that might upset the semi-literate masses (meaning the kind of people who probably enjoy this comic book).

Dammit! What I'm trying to say is that I have read three issues of Cyborg and I'm certain that it's a fine publication for the kind of people who enjoy taking sudden and spontaneous naps.

Maybe I should begin again?

Cyborg is a competently written comic book with many qualities. It stars Cyborg who is a cyborg. That lack of imagination might be why I find Cyborg so boring! Although I'm sure he has many fans who are less easily bored than I am! They probably loved it every time Cyborg called Changeling "Salad Head" back in Wolfman's Teen Titans. Sometimes he did it two or three times in one comic book!

You know what? This isn't about the comic book. This is about me. I simply find Cyborg to be a boring character. It's going to be an uphill battle to get me to enjoy this comic book. Why do people fight uphill battles? Why don't they just look at the hill, look at the people at the top of the hill who will be fighting a downhill battle, and then just leave the hill alone? Or maybe just set a fire around the base of the hill! Also I'm lazy so I can't see the point in marching up a hill just to exert yourself in a battle. I'm too lazy to even begin reading this comic book because I compared it to an uphill battle which sounds exhausting!

It's a good thing only geniuses ever get super powers.

Sarah Charles from the Alternate Universe where Silas Stone has chosen to really be himself explains the premise of this first story arc. So if you've been on the fence about purchasing this series, you should skip reading the first three issues. If you're really being frugal, my guess is you should wait until I read Issue #5 because that one might have the same recap but include Issue #4 as well! The gist of the matter (whoever decided to spell "gist" with a "g" was a genius because if it were "jist" I would be picturing a misty spray of jism) is that some creatures called the Technosapiens are going around the Multiverse Borging up whatever life they can find. Alternate Universe Sarah Charles is pissed off at Silas Stone because his Alternate Universe Counterpart accidentally attracted the attention of the Technosapiens by doing experiments that she thought he should have known would attract unwanted attention. Well isn't she just a Monday Morning Scientist! "I told you you shouldn't have played God! I told you the government would turn your work into a weapon. I told you that Supercollider would eventually create a black hole that would destroy the universe."

Now the Technosapiens are on Earth and it's probably up to Cyborg to stop them. I think the Justice League can't help because all of the phones are down.

I suppose it was like parts of the nineties. I guess she couldn't have said eighties--which would have been more accurate--because she's too young to have any personal experience with that time.

At one point during the emotional part of the plot where relationships are being forged, Sarah Charles slaps Alternate Universe Sarah Charles and the multiverse doesn't unravel. So unrealistic.

The Metal Men are also starring in this comic book even though Superman's penis is not part of the cast. That's a reference to how they all want to fuck Superman. At least Platinum does but I think the others do as well. I wonder if Doc Magnus ever thought about making a Kryptonite Metal Man? It looks like that story may have happened in Action Comics #599. Of course it wasn't Magnus who built the Kryptonite Metal Man. It was some other guy whose name I can't remember offhand.

After spending more than half of the comic book explaining and reexplaining what the fuck was going on, the Technosapiens attack!

Tin must be coated in Mercury here.

The battle seems to be going...well, I don't know. I guess it's a stalemate because the final page is of a huge Technobeast crashing up through the ground and knocking Cyborg on his White Noise Cannon. What do you call a cliffhanger whose outcome you don't really care about? Because this is that.

Cyborg #4 Rating: -2 Ranking. Cyborg. I don't know what to tell you, buddy. You really need to step up your game if you're going to be the lead in a comic book. I suppose you can ask Harley Quinn or Batman to guest star for a few issues to drive your numbers up but that's just a short term fix. I have a feeling the love story between you and Sarah is supposed to be the driving story in this comic but it isn't getting much on-panel time. You already had your penis fixed in the Convergence Sneak Peek, so I would have kept the alien invasion slowly brewing and had the Sarah Charles stuff front and center. The last page of Issue #1 should have been this cliffhanger: Sarah and Victor kissing with Cyborg's White Noise Cannon--set on low!--between Sarah's knees. Sarah moaning, "Oh Vic!" Then she reaches down between Vic's legs and her eyes grow huge and teary as she says, "Oh. Vic!" Then everybody would be wondering what she saw! What's happened to Victor's penis?! Then Issue #2, we'd find out that she was just impressed and scared by the size of his cock because it's been enhanced by Apokoliptian Nanobots.

Cyborg #3

Essay Assignment: Discuss the differences between "detailed" and "so busy my eyes exploded."

Anonymous really said my blog was "wannabe edgy" and now I feel pressure to live up to that standard! But I'm also currently commenting on Cyborg and I feel like "wannabe edgy" can easily get away from me to become "outrageously racist." Maybe I should just bash Columbus for awhile. Just to get everybody on my side, you know?

I wouldn't have even known this was Columbus Day if it wasn't for all of the people bitching about Columbus Day. To be fair to Columbus Day (which I do because I'm better than Columbus Day and won't let it destroy my compassionate humanity!), I never remember any holiday that occurs on Monday. I work every Monday no matter what. Unless New Year's Eve takes place on Monday and then forget about it because I don't want to be on the road with all of you drunks. And by "you drunks" I'm specifically referencing everybody who regularly reads this blog. I think I know my audience. Anyway, my Marvel Superhero calendar takes the right approach with Columbus Day. It doesn't even label it.

Hey guys! Did you know Columbus was pro-guns and anti-abortion?! He constantly used racial slurs and would point out how Islam was the religion of violence to anybody who would listen. Back in Italy, he was constantly telling women to smile. He was always, "Ay! Imma nice-a guy! Why-a you no wanna sleep wit' me?! Bah! Puttana!"

I don't know Italian swear words so I had to ask Lord Google how to say "bitch" in Italian. As I did, I found out that "troia" means slut or whore in Italian. Is that why Marv Wolfman chose that name for Donna Troy? Rude.

I would have had a paragraph giving Columbus liberal values so that my conservative readers could hate him appropriately too but why bother? They don't hate Columbus for some reason! I think it's because they love genocide and greed.

How is brunch with Aquaman worse than an alien invasion?

I don't mind making fun of Aquaman but the joke should have more to it than "spending time with Aquaman is awful." That just seems mean. Now if he'd said "Cullen Bunn's Aquaman," I would still be laughing and laughing!

Cyborg has to save Detroit from an alien invasion. The only issue I have with this story is that the alien invasion is only occurring because they're after Cyborg. So Cyborg's heroism isn't really heroism at all. It's just trying to reduce the consequences of his living in Detroit. But that's okay because I'm used to characters created by Marv Wolfman and George Perez simply reacting to villains attacking them rather than protecting innocent people or stopping crime.

Cyborg is busy keeping as many people safe as he can (even though they'd probably be safer away from him) while everybody at STAR Labs is busy fending for themselves.

Selfish. And really kind of hurtful.

Sebastian, Cyborg's friend, is beginning to panic because so many robot invaders are bearing down on them. So Vic tries to pump him up by yelling, "Third and ten, brother. Third and ten!" I guess that's supposed to inspire somebody to really try their best because they're in a second to last ditch effort to get a first down without having been at all successful on the first two downs. I'd probably just get depressed and disappointed with my performance so far if somebody began yelling that at me. Or I'd just fail like I'd been failing so far and allow the special teams to take over.

The special teams! I guess it's now fourth and ten! Good job, Cyborg and Sebastian! That was sarcastic!

Now that Platinum's arrived, she takes over all the sexual assault talk that Cyborg was laying down in the beginning of the battle which I didn't mention. Sometimes I don't mention stuff that I wished I'd mentioned because I want to refer back to it later. I suppose I could just scan every page of the comic and not even bother to write anything at all. I'm sure more people would enjoy that! Especially Reverse-Flash Anonymous, Twat Lobo Anonymous, and my mother.

STAR Labs is almost overrun when the Technosapiens arrive! Unless they're the Tekbreakers and the invading aliens are the Technosapiens! I think that's the right way round. The Tekbreakers are here to help save the day! Except there's only one problem: the Tekbreakers were the ones to kill Vic in the Sneak Peek. So when Vic arrives, he's all, "I know this will probably be a mistake and we'll wind up talking about it later but for now we must fight even if we are actually on the same side!"

I'm not saying he doesn't have a reason to punch first! It's not like when somebody would say hello and Supergirl would punch them in the face.

The lead Tekbreaker winds up being Alternate Universe Sarah Charles. That's good! She probably has an input with the correct configuration for Cyborg's output! AU Sarah Charles is all, "Yeah, yeah. So I stepped on your toes by accident. Or killed you on purpose, maybe. So what? Do you want to hug and kiss and make robot babies or do you want to win the war that your father started?" Then nobody's jaws drop with the revelation that Alternate Universe Silas Stone is a Would-Be Galactic Conqueror because no panels follow the revelation. I have a feeling that even if there was another page, nobody would be surprised that Silas Stone was a Universe Dominating Monster in at least half of alternate dimensions.

Cyborg #3 Rating: No change. It's really hard to remain unbiased when reviewing comic books because most reviewers want to build some kind of beloved relationship with the comic book companies and their creators. I don't have that problem because I'm not trying to be part of that world. That doesn't mean I'm not biased though (stop rolling your eyes, regular readers who are muttering "needless to say" under their breaths!). I'm biased because Cyborg bores me and now I have to review a Cyborg comic book without letting my boredom affect my opinion of how well the comic book is written. Well, I can't do it. I was bored. Cyborg is boring. His quips come too fast and often because he's trying to hide the fact that he hates himself and wants to seem like another Spider-man. If I were writing New 52 Cyborg, I would write a story about what's going on in his crotch area. Did his father somehow save his junk (which is hard to believe based on images of Cyborg in the early Justice League issues) or was his penis replaced with an e-cigarette? Now that story would be interesting! To me. I mean, this story may have been interesting to other people. How should I know? I'm not actually a comic book reviewer! I don't have to not be biased! Just ask Ann Nocenti and Fabian Nicieza!

Cyborg #2

Why did Cyborg replace his cock with a fishbowl?

Somebody said they'd like to hear some political commentary out of me so here's some brief political commentary before I really get into some serious shit and start talking about comic books. I think the Democratic Party is going to be hugely fucking surprised by how much voter turnout increases if Bernie Sanders gets the nomination. They're going to realize that they've been going about shit completely wrong by trying to maintain some kind of equitable distance from the political center which the Republicans have steadily been pulling further and further right for decades. They're going to realize just how many voters stopped voting for their party because they've been moving in the wrong direction for far too long. They're going to have to seriously rethink their party base when they realize that a huge part of the voter base that doesn't vote aren't simply being apathetic. As a party, you don't just automatically get everybody's vote because you're the least worst party. Some people actually believe in democracy to the point that they won't participate if you're just going to offer up Republican Lite. Yes, it's worse for a lot of people if the Republicans are in control of things. But the answer to winning elections isn't to become more like Republicans, you asshats. So that's my prediction. Voter turnout is going to increase by a large margin due to Bernie Sanders.

I have this weird feeling, though, that even if Sanders were to win a bunch of early primaries, the media will just continually ignore him.

That's about all the stomach I have for discussing politics. Be here next time when I, once more, put my foot in the ass of the mainstream media. Those guys are the worst.

This issue begins in an alternate dimension where STAR Labs uses an old BEST building as their main headquarters.

They've rearranged the sign to spell as much of STAR Labs as they could with the letters at hand.

Most of you probably don't remember BEST. You should visit this link to see some of their crazy awesome store fronts. As a kid, the BEST Catalog was my go-to Christmas and Birthday catalog for circling dozens of toys that I absolutely needed.

Apparently this actually is an alternate dimension because they have a dead Cyborg hanging from the rafters in the Appliance Section of their headquarters. A blond woman in a wheelchair chastises a mystery person for killing Cyborg in the Sneak Peek story. They'll be happy to know that Cyborg didn't stay dead so he may yet save the universe. Not their universe. Theirs is done. But he might still save his from the Tekbreaker's enemies, the Technosapiens! I could have some of those names wrong because I read a lot of comic books and my brain doesn't have the capacity to keep up.

Moving on to Cyborg, he begins his scene by Narration Boxing a lot of questions that people ask him. The only one he answers is "Do you eat?" Yes, he eats. But he doesn't say how he evacuates waste material. And he doesn't say anything about sex except "It's none of your business." That means he's a virgin and/or he lost his penis. His dad probably replaced it with a white noise blaster.

Cyborg also mentions that he sleeps because he's currently having a dream about electric monsters trying to steal his technology. That might be less a dream and more wi-fi interference from the impending invasion fleet.

Tea and cats? Silas Stone isn't a bad guy at all!

Meanwhile in the more fucked up than the other fucked up side of town side of town, that guy from Issue #1 who was missing an arm and an eye visits an underground cybertech doctor to get an enhanced prosthetic arm and a bionic eye. That probably means he'll wind up robbing banks while under the control of his new parts. The doctor has to get paid somehow. Insurance sure as hell isn't going to cover this experimental crap.

Meanwhile the Technosapiens have stolen the play book of the Borg or the Third Army and have decided that everybody needs to sing the same song so that the universe will be at peace. Sure, if you can get everybody to stay in the same key. Good luck with that.

Bobby, the guy with the illegal implants, has a friend who knows Cyborg so he's going to rat out Bobby and probably get this whole illegal cybernetic body part business shut down. Maybe that will be the reason Bobby turns into a bad guy. Although the way Bobby fell asleep immediately after getting home to rest up after the surgery makes me suspect he's going to go on his Robbery Spree Payment Plan immediately.

Does this picture indicate Black Vulcan is finally part of DC Continuity or is Black Vulcan just part of DC Comic's cartoon world continuity?

Victor meets up with Bobby's friend, Sebastian, by the big Detroit sculpture celebrating fisting. It's at this point that Sebastian rats out the "body shops." While talking, Cyborg gets some more wi-fi interference from the invaders and realizes what it means this time. Aliens are coming to Earth to remove his technology! Probably through his butthole. But first, they stop by Bobby's house to check out his gadgets. I guess I was being too suspicious of the cyber doctors and their motives. It looks like money was all they really wanted and they probably received that up front. Although it appears the aliens are going to recruit Bobby into the super villain world.

Cyborg #2 Rating: No change. It's not bad but I'm still not very interested in Cyborg. So far, this comic book feels like it's playing things too safe. It's a standard alien invasion, multi-dimensional save the universe plot with a small percentage of a protagonist with JeanValJeanitis. You know, he's wondering who he is. I don't know how I'd change the pacing of the book to make it more interesting though. Vic obviously wants people to see him as Victor Stone but even he's not sure how much of Victor Stone is really left. So he's finding himself but most of that is coming across through Narration Boxes and tension with his father. I suppose that's the best way to get the story moving as quickly as possible. If it were up to me, readers would quickly grow bored of the twenty or so issues I spent showing how anxious Vic was in public, and how awkward he now feels around women since even when he had a great non-metal football body, he didn't know how to sex, and how Vic resents his father for being more interested in Vic's electronics than in his emotions and achievements. That shit needs to be put out there quick in super hero comics so we can get to the alien's murdering Earth part. My version would be an indie comic with a distribution of around 100 copies per month. What I'm saying is this might be good enough for super hero comics but I'm long past the point of that being good enough for me! Make it better, Mister Walker! For me! Don't you care about my feelings?

Cyborg #1

My interest would be better piqued if the cover read "Man Inside of Another Man!"

I've never been that interested in Cyborg. Marv Wolfman's Teen Titans taught me that he was a life support system for a White Noise Blaster. The Teen Titans cartoon taught me that he was 50% man, 50% garbage disposal. And now that my mom told me on the phone last night, "When I die, you're going to inherit a lot of money," I'm not interested in Cyborg at all! Life just became a waiting game! I wonder if I can get my mom excited about engaging in risky behaviors like base jumping and Russian Roulette?!

Um, just kidding, mom! I love you very much and would hate to see any harm come to you or my new inheritance!

Did that seem sincere?

Last night when I spoke with my mother, she mentioned that she finally got around to seeing Mad Men. She watched all seven seasons in about a two week period because her binge game is on point for an old woman! As we began discussing it, she said, "Let me get my notes!" Notes! I've never been more proud of my mom! She loved it but she had some minor nitpicks about her memories of the era. Most of them came down to what I believe was her experience living on the West Coast as opposed to the East Coast. We've always been more laid back out West so there was less hitting of other people's children and less unconscionable littering and way less Jews (when I talk about the "West Coast," realize I never include Southern California. That's a completely different country altogether!). We had less Jewish people in my Senior class than African-Americans. And we had less white people than Vietnamese. We may have had more Nguyens than all the other minorities combined. I don't know how many Mexicans were in my class because I don't see race.

One of my best friends in Junior High was Khoa Nguyen. He wrote in my 9th Grade yearbook: "Remember to keep on tasting the Jefference with Jif!" I used my real name there because "Tesserence" doesn't make any sense. Not that what Khoa wrote made much sense. I think maybe he was hitting on me?

Cyborg begins with some Technosapiens in a distant galaxy confronting some guy named Tekbreaker. Unless "Tekbreaker" is his race or religion and the Technosapien is being horribly racist. Or just sort of racist, I guess. Horribly racist would be if "Tekbreaker" were a slur and he also threatened Tekbreaker's life while saying it. Oh yeah! He also threatened Tekbreaker with death so I guess I can ratchet the racism up to horrible!

But that's only a two page introduction to get everybody wet and hard. After that, the action moves to Earth. Although it concentrates on scientists so "action" might be too kinetic a word.

You're a super smart science guy and you don't know?! They want transparency, douchebag! They want accountability! They want to stop dying from attacks revolving around the STAR Labs building! Dick.

Oh! I just realized that with this issue, I am caught up to the comics that came out last Wednesday! Woo hoo! Where's my sake?!

Hmm. Now I'm too drunk to get caught up! Stupid sake.

Psyche! I'm not drunk! Or I'm drunk! Not! Do people still say "psyche" and "not"? And by "people," I mean persons who you would actually spend time with as opposed to spend time running away from while screaming. Burn! High-five!

Victor Stone has stopped by STAR Labs to visit his father Silas. I think he just wants to show off his new "non-dad" created look and say, "I don't owe you anything anymore, DAD!" Then he'll run off down the hall crying and flailing his super arms.

Is this symbolism? Vic's dad being reflected in his crotch? Also note how generous his body was while rebuilding his machinehood.

Victor replays the Cyborg Sneak Peek for his dad and acts a little too lighthearted about his death for Sarah, his future romantic entanglement (also past but that universe doesn't really exist anymore, does it?!). She storms off feeling self-righteous while the men study the data of Cyborg's resurrection. Or maybe Sarah just didn't want to do any extra work. I probably would have stormed off too as I counted my future inheritance chickens.

I wonder if my mom's inheritance comment is just a ploy to ensure that I don't yell at her anymore? I hope it doesn't mean that I have to go to Golden Corral with her! Ugh! I hope I never feel that obligated to anybody!

Meanwhile in that other galaxy, the Technosapiens capture one of Tekbreaker's buddies who has been installed with some of Cyborg's hardware which they stole in the Sneak Peek. The Technosapiens are all, "Mmm! Yummy! Need!" At least the ones that aren't speaking in untranslatable Old Portugese [sic].

Back at STAR Labs, Victor gets frustrated at his father and yells at him. When he does, his arms become crazy weapons that hopefully aren't just fancier White Noise Cannons. It seems even Victor's flesh is now some sort of organic metal that can change shapes and is impervious to blood draws. So if his skin can look like metal or skin, can he look fully human if he concentrates? Although the only reason to look fully human is to do it with Sarah and he'll probably lose concentration and turn into a death trap once she touches his wiener. But I think he had the same thought and he's willing to put Sarah at risk!

I should remember what happened in Atlantis but I don't. Did Mera make a move on him?

Cyborg is waylaid by an old football rival and he loses all interest in possible sex to tell old football stories about his glory days which were about two years ago. That's so sad, Vic!

Back in that other galaxy, the Technosapiens are all, "Where do we find more of this awesome tech?! The cover says 'Cyborg' so maybe we should find this 'Cyborg'!" So they'll be invading Earth soon to destroy Cyborg so--and I realize it isn't Victor's fault that he was turned into the machine-man he was turned into--all the death and destruction that happens is Vic's fault! Jerko!

Cyborg #1 Rating: It's decent and well-written enough to overcome my disinterest in Cyborg, so I guess I'll give it a few more issues to see how things progress. Ha ha! Just kidding! I'll read it until it's cancelled because that's kind of what I do! I just hope it remains entertaining and I never have to feel bad for some name I wind up calling David F. Walker for making me read awful, boring things. If you don't respect your own career as a writer, David, try to respect my life as a reader! I want to keep reading good stuff and not bad stuff. So do your best for me and not for yourself or your loved ones. Stop being so selfish. Also can we get a Shaft/Cyborg crossover? Please?

P.S. Is it racist when I typo Cyborg as "Cybrog"?