Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #37 (September 1992)

This cover looks like some project Glenn Fabry would have done in Year 7.

This cover also looks like one of those '90s Personality Comics of Bon Jovi. I owned the Christina Applegate issue.

Man, I hope I still have this in one of my short boxes!

Currently on my down time, I'm reading the collected Fire & Ice: Welcome to Smallville and it's fucking adorable. As some of you may know, there are two things I want in my comic books: adorableness and Lobo's erect cock. I never get the latter one so I'm super happy when I get the former. One of the reasons this series is so fucking adorable and whimsical and cute and all the things that I just love in a comic book is — and maybe this is sexist — that it's written by a woman, Joanne Starer. I understand guys can also write entertaining and adorable women — just read all of my early Batgirl entries — but they often just don't feel realistic. Every woman written by a man is just a man's stupid idea of how women act and think. It's possible a guy would have written the following scene but, if he had, it just wouldn't feel as authentic and innocent but also sexy. It would seem lewd and manipulative and dirty! I should know because I'm picturing it that way and my dick is nodding its approval!

I should also exclaim loudly how much Natacha Bustos' art and Tamra Bonvillain's colors add to the cuteness of this comic book. Just superb. A+ stuff here.

As you can see by the cover, this story is called "Mercy". It begins like this: "THIS IS A STORY ABOUT MERCY." I had to put that in all caps like the lettering in the comic book otherwise I'd have to editorialize on whether or not the "M" in "MERCY" should be capitalized or not. The image that goes along with that caption is either Batman getting his tooth knocked out or just a shot of his testicles.

Blogger gonna try to censor this post now!

Look, Blogger. If it's good enough for the Comics Code Authority, it's good enough for the fucking Internet.

After turning the page, I discover the story is also about "revenge, justice, and fighting for yourself." So it's just like every other Batman story? At least from Batman's point of view. I guess the difference this time is that the point of view will be Mercy's and she won't let Batman fight for her.

Enter Mercy! She's going to fight for herself!


Exeunt Mercy. On a stretcher.

Mercy's partner was killed because Batman let a hotshot hot cop he was crushing on talk him out of saving the day. Also the Cossack got away to punch Batman in the testicles later on the first page.

Batman visits Mercy in the hospital and begins grooming her as a new Robin. I don't think he thinks that's what he's doing but then he's never seen a therapist (unless you count Hugo Strange which you really fucking shouldn't) so how would he know? I suppose you don't have to see a therapist to self-reflect. It's just that some people refuse to self-reflect even when 0 of their 357 friends on Facebook don't like or comment on a terrible Ayn Randian clip about how Democrats are the real racists because they didn't end slavery and also they did civil rights. It's like, um, read the room, buddy. The Republicans are invading US cities and you're trying to convince people that your party isn't the racist party? "Hey, guys! Our new authoritarian overlords aren't the racist ones! The party that isn't standing up to them are the racists!" Did you think your "Gotcha Video!" would make people who don't even fucking love the Democratic party stand up and applaud you while commenting, "You know what? You're right! I never thought of it this way! I'm a Republican now!" I think it's self-reflection time. Unless you think your 357 friends and family just, um, I don't know, unfollowed or blocked you long ago? Maybe he just targeted the video to me and I was his entire audience! If so, I'm glad I called him crazy to his face that one time when he was upset that Marvel was publishing a comic book about a Muslim character. Man, he was fucking raving about that. And then I was all, "So you don't think the Muslim writer should write a Muslim character?" And then he was all, "Oh, I didn't know the writer was Muslim." And I was all, "You're fucking crazy." And it kind of ruined the day. Can you imagine? I ruined the day for calling him crazy but the day was just fine while he spouted off with his paranoid bullshit about Marvel's anti-Christian agenda! This world sucks.

I think the main problem was that I felt bad for calling him crazy but he didn't feel bad for being crazy.

Batman trains Mercy to be the best fighter she can be. But then she betrays him by not becoming another Robin. Instead, she ghosts him to pursue her own brand of justice. And revenge. And fighting for herself. But probably not mercy because that's just her name.

She means she's going to kill him, Batman! Mercy ain't gonna show no gosh-danged mercy!

Let me guess: Batman convinces Mercy to show mercy by the end? Or maybe Batman is forced to kill Mercy and save the Cossack! Alternatively, maybe they just have sex. I mean Batman and Mercy, not Batman and the Cossack. Although, look, either way is fine with me. I just don't think DC in 1992 would have done it.

Eventually Mercy kills one of her opponents in the underground fights and she becomes depressed and lost and drunk. Batman tries to talk with her about it but what can a man who beats people for her? "You need to beat them softer"?

Batman loses track of her after that. Which seems weird because doesn't Batman love keeping tabs on everybody? This is a mistake, right? I mean by Batman and not by the writers. What I mean is the writers purposefully had Batman make a mistake that could cost Mercy her life because, once again, he trusted that she'd be okay. First she nearly died while her partner did die because Batman thought she could take care of herself. Then Batman trained her to be a great fighter because he thought it would help her take care of herself. But then she grew exceedingly violent and accidentally killed a man and became super depressed. So that's when Batman stops watching out for her? He puts her trust in her two times and it doesn't work out either time. So he's going to trust that she'll be all right now that she's suicidal?! I guess that's why these stories are "legends". They're times Batman had to learn something important which serves him well in his regular title.

Look at them! Look at Batman's hairy chin balls!

I know I sort of made fun of the cover and keep pointing out how Batman's chin looks like his scrotum but I'd like to make one thing clear: I'm really enjoying Colin MacNeil's interior art. It's got a sort of style that I could see being used in a long, definitive run of Batman that would have been celebrated for decades. It just feels like Batman and Gotham and darkness and desperation. Now the cover? Did not like. At all. But the interior? Very much good like. Not bad hate.

When Batman finally does catch up to Mercy, it's by accident: he sees a live feed of the 1992 version of the Dark Web where a contest known as "The Blood Pit" airs. It's like the underground bare-knuckle fights but better because it's to the death on purpose. I say "better" because this is a comic book and I like to see people die in comic books. It's fun! If this were a real Dark Web contest, I absolutely wouldn't watch it. Mostly because I don't know how to get on the Dark Web.

Batman sees Mercy is in trouble and rushes to where the Blood Pit takes place. He knows where it takes place because it's been on his radar for a while now but he didn't give a shit. If two roided out thugs wanted to beat the life out of each other, what was that to him? Other than the fact that he hates murder and non-Batman violence. But this time, he has empathy for one of the contestants. He doesn't stop to think, "Hey, if a person I like whom I know has stumbled and her life fell apart which caused her to risk her life in The Blood Pit, maybe other innocent people whose lives just spiraled out of control might be dying in this thing. Maybe I should have stopped it much earlier!" He might think that but Abnett and Lanning don't let us see those introspective thoughts because it would derail the current narrative. The narrative currently barreling down the intended rails is that Mercy is losing a death fight to the Cossack! And Batman's got to stop it from happening!

"Alternatively, Mercy's a big girl. She knows what she was doing. Maybe let her sleep in her own medicine this time," is a thing I would be saying if I were Batman right now.

Batman, not a coward like me, throws in twenty thousand dollars he stole from the guy who runs the game earlier that night to be considered an actual combatant. Mercy crawls from the arena, I guess, as the new Death Pit match takes place: Batman vs. Cossack.

A few pages later, Batman has lost. Or he's faking losing and the fight was just to give Mercy a chance to catch her breath, right? If so, it worked perfectly! Just as the Cossack is about to kill Batman, Mercy steps back into the ring.

Oh wait. It doesn't work perfectly at all because the Cossack immediately kills Mercy.

You notice how I didn't complain about Cossack's right arm in that first panel? It's because I figured Batman dislocated it.

Batman takes advantage of the interruption to his fight much better than Mercy did. He defeats Cossack but refused to kill him. As he picks up Mercy to carry her into the sewers to bury her, the GCPD crash through the wall in a tank and arrest everybody. They saw Batman's fight on the same live feed that Batman saw Mercy on after Batman reported the location to the cops earlier. Being that they're all corrupt, they don't mind when Batman takes his winnings along with Mercy's body. Or maybe he just uses his own money at the end when he discovers that Mercy had entered the Death Pit battle not to get revenge on the Cossack but to earn some cash for the widow and children of the man she killed. Batman discovers this because Mercy left a message on the Bat Answering Machine explaining why she was going to be dead soon.

Poor Mercy. If only she'd chosen to become the next Robin, she wouldn't have had to die. And maybe Tim Drake would have been forgotten and I never would have had to read any story about Tim Drake written by James Tynion IV! I mourn the loss of that world and that happier version of me!

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #37 Rating: B+. This was a nice one-shot story. Competently told with all the nice little literary ball and cup tricks that keep the thematic line running clearly through the entire story. And the art was mostly really well done! Stupid Cossack and his wonky arm trying to make me look like a dumb jerk! Did he ever come back as a Batman nemesis?

I just did my own research like a true Internet moron (but better because I actually did it instead of seeking out confirmation bias videos on CrazyTube) and learned the Cossack never appeared again. In a world where Grant Morrison brings back every character or costume ever referenced in a Batman story, I am disappoint.

Titans #11

Mike McKone
Deathstork Jerking Off Nightwing 2017
Pencils on paper
26.01 x 16.84 cm (10.24 x 6.63 in)

I stopped reading Titans because I'm bored of comic books about friends with enormous thighs on their too-long legs stuffed into helter-skelter panel boxes. But since my favorite amoral loner has decided he needs to crossover with the Titans so he can remind himself how much fun it was to beat their asses, I suppose I'll give it one more try. But only for this issue! Just know I'm risking falling into a terrible existential depression by looking at Brett Booth's art! Although it might be worth it just for this McKone cover that no art editor at DC looked at or knew how to answer the question, "Why is this picture making me feel all warm in the nether regions?"

Holy shit. Immediately, I hate myself for picking up this comic book. On the first fucking page, Brett Booth is still fucking making references to Pizza Fish. That was like the second or third reason I stopped reading this stupid fucking comic book. Just after "The art is terrible" and "This art is so fucking terrible."

Hurry! Somebody get Garth some water! And a bra!

I guess everything that happened to the Titans pre-New 52 that they've just recently remembered happens in Hatton Corners. Ravager dies of a heart attack while trying to kill the Teen Titans. Deathstork arrives to tell the son he treated like shit for the last decade and a half that the Teen Titans are dead. Ravager dies happy for some reason. I guess he wanted to kill the Teen Titans so that his father would be proud of him. Deathstork doesn't tell him he loves him but he does kind of hug him. Unless he's actually squeezing him so hard that he dies from a lack of oxygen which then gives Deathstork a reason to kill the Titans (and also gets his pain in the ass son out of his life).

Welcome to Illogical and Nonsensical Plot Motivation Comics!

Here we see another prime example of why I stopped reading a comic book about these Teen Titans. The only time they ever battle a super villain is when the super villain brings the battle to them. They've never once saved the world except when saving themselves just happened to also save the world. But in those situations, the world was in trouble because the Teen Titans existed. I'm only currently reading the other Teen Titans book because Damian Wayne is leading them.

The initial scene was Slade dreaming before waking up from a corneal transplant. So now he's not blind in his good eye anymore although I bet his body is still being ravaged by cancer caused by his radiation poisoning. At least he didn't become young and obsessed with this testicles again.

Now that he's awake and he can see, Slade decides it's time to go kill the Titans due to their not having done anything. Good. They totally deserve it.

Meanwhile in New York, Omen shows off her inability to understand secret identities.

Ixnay on the ickday and allyway! You're surrounded by bad guys and pizza fish adverts, dum-dum!

Wally West disappears in the space between panels because Deathstork is just that good and Dan Abnett is just that lazy. Deathstork wants to make a deal with Wally West but he doesn't explain himself yet. First he has to pretend that he cared about Grant so that Wally West feels sympathy for him.

Meanwhile back at Titans Tower East, Tempest tries to participate in the team brainstorming session but everybody just shits all over him. Get used to it, Mini-Aquaman! You'll never be respected by your peers!

Maybe if you would stop using his real name and social security number around villains, Dick wouldn't hate your guts and might want to share the truth with you.

Slade wants to go back in time to, presumably, save his son Grant. I think he just wants to go back in time to shit all over him one last time. But Wally West refuses to time travel for Slade. He's all, "Time travel is bad and we don't do it anymore! Why do you think the Cosmic Treadmill is still safe in storage on the Justice League Watchtower and totally not being used irresponsibly by anybody right now at all?" But Slade is all, "If you won't help save my son whom I don't care about at all but feel pretty guilty about the way I treated him and how he died and maybe I loved him in my own way and tried to make him a man but he needed my love more than he needed to be a responsible adult and so he got himself killed and I sort of regret it then maybe Kid Flash will help me!" As if Kid Flash can time travel!

Ugh. I can't wait until this story is over and Deathstork can get back to staying within the pages of his own comic book where there's a distinct lack of nonsense and Brett Booth art.

Earth Too: Society #22

What the fuck is going on with Flash's stomach?! That's Observational Comedy 101! I don't actually say anything funny. I just point out that I noticed something!

At the end of the last issue, Batdick was killed. That's probably a good thing because nobody needs a Dick Grayson on Earth Too: The Rebirthening. Ultra-Humanite was also killed by Green Lantern which is not a good thing because nobody in any lousy circle that has ever allowed me to be a part of their circle has ever clamored for an Alan Scott that murders. On the plus side, Vicente Cifuentes drew big tits on every female character. And he's drawing this issue too!

This was my favorite roleplaying game: Small Eyes, Big Tits!

This issue takes place six months after last issue ended. Power Girl seems happy and big titted (like usual). Actually, based on the size of tits that Vicente loves to draw, Power Girl's tits are just average! Her main super power (according to Comic Vine) is Big Old Titties (just after Wind Bursts). I suppose I'm being too critical. What do I know about the laws of physics on Earth Too: The Rebirthening?!

Power Girl is flying around Metropolis Too while think-speaking to America. At first I just thought she was thinking to herself but when she's interrupted by a report of a robbery in progress, she thinks, "Oh, one sec." You don't say that if you're just thinking to yourself. So she's totally in a telepathic bond with America right now, discussing how much she loves Earth Too: The Rebirthening.

Seeing heroes as a boon and not a menace should be the lowest bar of a comic book world! Fuck, comics are in such a terrible state. Stop trying so hard to reflect the real world and maybe present a world of inspiration like you're supposed to be doing, comic books! Having that happen here on Earth Too: The Rebirthening shouldn't be an anomaly!

Instead of moving into the future and showing why people should totally be creaming their jeans for whatever version of Earth 2 will crop up in Rebirth, Power Girl decides to remind everybody of how terrible Earth 2 and World's End and Convergence and Earth Too: Society were. Normally, I wouldn't suggest recapping a series in the final issue¹. Also, I'm not suggesting it now, if that whole "normally" clause confused you into thinking I was going to conclude with an "in this case." My guess is that everybody reading this issue remembers how terrible all of the Earth 2 stories were. It was almost as if DC saw how popular the Injustice comic book was and was desperate to have that kind of thing happening in their canon universe. Maybe that would have been interesting if they didn't fuck over Earth 2 to do it.

The way Power Girl is explaining things, this feels like it should have been the Earth 2 Rebirth issue. But what new readers are hopping on at Issue #22 and thinking, "I hope this explains what this book has been about and where it's headed!"

Yeah, this is a good way to look at what happened. Just forget about all the non-Wonder survivors of Earth 2 who were wiped out of existence by the miraculous do-over.

This miracle is like the time the Non-Certified Spouse was told she was pregnant by about fifteen thousand home pregnancy tests (she's a bit obsessive) but was then menstruating two days later. Sure, I called that a miracle but some people might have looked side-eye at me for that proclamation! Thank you, Baby Jesus, for taking away my child (whom we named Astird (yes, like from The Office))! I didn't even pray for this great miracle! I always knew he was pro-choice!

One thing I learned from the experience is that these pregnancy tests that proclaim they can tell a woman if they're pregnant earlier than anybody else due to changing hormones and not due to a fertilized egg actually attaching to the uterine wall to set up shop for the next nine months are causing an epidemic of heartbreak and grief. I found a number of forums on the web where women were shattered that they had seemingly lost their baby in cases like these. To be fair, it's not simply the pregnancy test's fault. It's also the fault of the Anti-Choice people and their life begins at conception propaganda campaign. If a pregnancy stick says pregnant than the woman must be pregnant! It's not like science and biology are complicated matters! They're God's will! If a sperm fertilizes an egg, that's it! LIFE, MOTHERFUCKER! And if that egg doesn't attach or the body rejects it for whatever reason, your sins probably caused that to happen! And now you've killed your child, you selfish bastard!

Power Girl points out that, since this is a second chance, the Wonders are going to make it work this time. I guess they took the old world for granted and just shrugged off all the crime and disasters happening around them. This time, though, they're going to save everybody and Darkseid will never get a foothold on their Earth because they're all so damn vigilant now!

Hey kid! Watch the grabby hands!

To be fair to that kid, at least he isn't hanging on with his lips like some person I know that totally isn't me but, like, a friend or something.

Look at that previous scan. See that pudgy fuck with the old timey mustache? He's definitely a super villain.

According to Power Girl's summation of Earth Too: The Rebirthening, the defining characteristics of this new world are that Batman is a woman and Superman is black. Also probably that Green Lantern is gay. It's an Earth 2 for a new generation! The first Earth 2 was all white men and women (mostly men!) fighting Nazis. But then Earth 1 came along to update that old way of thinking, creating a world where white men and women (mostly men!) fought things other than Nazis. Now this new Earth 2 is about diversity! I guess this Earth 2 is in the DC You Universe?

At the weekly meeting of the Justice Society, we learn that Earth Too: The Rebirthening has a Lex Luthor and a Belle Reve. Also that the voice that's been alerting the Wonders to crimes is that of Oracle. Who is Oracle? Probably Batdick's computerized brainwaves. Remember how he had a broken back! Also maybe he's not totally dead or something (he isn't! He's last to arrive to the meeting which starts off with a total downer remembrance of everybody who died while trying to fix Earth 2 basically since The New 52 began).

The Ranking!
+1! This is where Earth 2 should have began when it started about a year into The New 52! All that other shit should have been brainstormed as background and not sold as a monthly comic book (weekly at times with World's End! UGH!) for five years! Anyway, I guess Earth 2 is now a kind of mish-mash of Pre-Crisis, Post-Zero-Hour, Pre-Infinite Crisis, Post-New-52, Prebirth, Afterbirth, Preboot, and Reboot universes! It's what DC Comics should always and never have been! Or something. Anyway, it at least ends in a way that makes a Rebirth Earth 2 possibly interesting.

_______________________
¹Oh god. Is this the final issue? I fucking hope this is the final issue!

Earth Too: Society #21

Seriously. How is this not over yet?!

The Review!
The main take away of this comic book is Vicente Cifuentes loves drawing huge breasts.

"Go! And strike that pose where you push your breasts out!"

Also in this issue: Ultra-Humanite kills Batdick and Green Lantern kills Ultra-Humanite. Oh! So who's the fascist now, Green Lantern?! So intolerant of hate and intolerance and murder. Who's the real Nazi, amirite? How fucking hypocritical to kill somebody who kills people! Fucking monster. And I would totally say the same things if he were straight! Although I wouldn't say any of what I just said if I wasn't pretending to be an idiot.

The Ranking!
I think I've punished this title enough. I'm only still reading it because it's the last book of The New 52 and I'm an idiot for deciding to read all of The New 52 comic books. But just for some criticism nostalgia, here's one of the reasons I hate this book. On the New Earth 2 (dubbed Earth Too by me in a way that confuses people with no sense of whimsy and too much sense of grammar and/or spelling mistakes), everybody was, once again, up in arms about the Wonders. "We hate them! Especially the robot!" they would chant in their marches against people who wear disgustingly tight spandex outfits. But now Earth Too has become Earth Too: The Rebirthening and guess what? The people of this Earth don't know what wonders are and are afraid of them. So, the usual, really. Which means that Fury has to have a scene speaking directly to about fifteen citizens telling them all about the Wonders and how wonderful they are and how they're going to save them all and be their protectors. You know, a speech that doesn't make an intelligent person's butthole crawl right up into their esophagus. Instead of just getting on with saving the world from the Ultra-Humantie, Fury now has to take time out of her busy day of punching Sandmen in the face to calm down the populace because of the history of populations all over several different Earths and Convergence-based locales hating superheroes. And it's not like she's even giving the speech to an international reporter with a camera crew so it doesn't just seem like an especially egregious waste of time. She's just telling a handful of people what's going on and making it sound super sketchy and a little bit too invasiony for the likes of most people. Half of the people probably don't even hear her message because it was muffled by her gigantic tits.

Now that I've said all of that, I've changed my mind. -1!

Kamandi Challenge #1

If this is as big a trainwreck as DC Challenge, I'll definitely solve it before DC does! I still don't think they solved that one.

I solved the DC Challenge before they did but it didn't matter because the story was a fucking joke. Batman is the World's Greatest Detective but only when the writer writing him has control of the entire story. Otherwise Batman gets the easiest clue in the world (finding the name ELI ELLIS by turning over a calculator after doing a sum) and he promptly forgets all about it for eleven issues. Then in the final issue when everybody had to get together to make sense of the eleven different stories that basically ignored almost everything that came before, Mark Evanier, writer of the first issue, was probably all, "You are all idiots!" Then somebody probably called him an idiot because he thought Benjamin Franklin was a president and on the fifty dollar bill. Maybe. I have a vague recollection that The Riddler fucked up that clue. It's been over twenty years, you know.

The DC Challenge was supposed to end each issue on a cliffhanger which the next writer was supposed to get out of. If I remember correctly though, these cliffhangers were either generally ignored and left for somebody else while the writer began a completely different plot thread concentrating on new characters. I imagine this series will be a lot like that. This one will start with Kamandi and his adventures. Then there will be a cliffhanger ending where Kamandi is about to die and the next issue will ignore it while focusing on the Atomic Knights. Then the next issue will focus on Ben Boxer while ignoring how the Atomic Knights were about to go critical and destroy the world. They'll be going critical for ten issues before somebody resolves that situation.

What I'm trying to say is that this thing is going to be a huge fucking mess.

I'm surprised Keith Giffen is doing the art. Unless this is Koblish trying to look like Kirby but instead looking like Giffen!

Kamandi, the not quite last boy on Earth, races off across town to try to catch the school bus at its last stop. It seems like if he can catch the school bus by cutting through town, he can probably just race straight to school. Not that I know the layout of his town! This is a mystery, by gorsh! Knowing the topographical features of the local locale could give away the mystery!

Kamandi is stopped by a cop who takes the law a little too seriously. He says, "I don't care if you're the last boy on Earth, no one crosses against the red." Dude. If he's the last boy on Earth then there's no danger crossing against the red! Unless the last girl on Earth is driving like a fucking maniac and coming from the other direction. Okay fine. I guess the cop has a point. Plus there are all those sentient animals who drive in the future. But maybe in their society, they cross on the red and stop on the green? Take that, Mr. Fascist Cop!

Some creatures crash through the sky as if it were just the top of a dome painted like the sky. Kamandi's fellow citizens pull out weapons to begin fighting them and urge Kamandi to rush home. I guess this is Command "D" and Kamandi lives in a simulated environment with his grandmother. Did I just solve the mystery? No? Oh, yeah, that's right. I just comprehended what I was reading. Never mind. I'll get that mystery yet though!

The Kangarat Murder Society has broken into Command "D" because there's a bounty on Kamandi's head. The villagers protect him because they're just robots built to protect the last boy on Earth. Kamandi rushes home thinking, "So when I fucked Sarah Lou Ellen behind the bleachers, I actually had my dick in a...a...machine?!"

Is that the mystery? The Case of Kamandi's Missing Parents?

After being shoved through The Void, Kamandi learns he's in a terrible spin-off of Heroes when he hears a voice say, "Find your parents. Save the world." Also, Heroes itself was fucking terrible. I will admit there were some interesting things about it but it was lazy in that the characters in every series were motivated by either a vision of the future or a prophecy. When a writer uses those devices to get the action moving, it means they're terrible writers.

Kamandi comes out of the other side of The Void with long hair and three months worth of piss and shit staining his torn up jeans. He winds up in the clutches of the Tiger-men! That means he's about to meet that pervert, Doctor Canus! Did I just solve the mystery? The pervert is Doctor Canus?

But before he can meet Doctor Canus, Kamandi must survive in the arena against Tiny. And you know with a name like "Tiny," he's got to be big. Even in the future, they stick to nickname clichés.

Based on what Kamandi knows, this statement makes no sense. Even if he's riffing on what the cop told him earlier, Kamandi has no idea that he's currently the last boy on Earth so if he dies, he'll, um, still be the last boy on Earth but with a slightly altered meaning.

And that's the end of part one! That's a pretty simple cliffhanger to solve! Kamandi just needs to beat Tiny. I bet he's swallowed whole by Tiny and then he kicks his way out of Tiny's stomach from the inside! No wait. That's preposterous. Maybe he'll do that thing that Luke did to the Rancor but instead of using a large thigh bone, he'll use the last boner on Earth. Or maybe Doctor Canus will stop the match because he likes the smell of Kamandi's asshole. However it's solved, I'll find out immediately because Dan Abnett takes over for Dan DiDio right here in the middle of the issue!

Oh yeah. Dan DiDio wrote the first story because of course he did. He seems to have called Dibs! on all of Jack Kirby's characters since The New 52 began (and maybe even earlier!).

Part Two is called "K is for 'Kill'!" K is also for Kamandi! And kissing! And kleptocracy! Oh! And klue! A klue to the mystery! Which is still a complete mystery!

Prince Tuftan watches bored as he waits for Kamandi to be torn to bits. I guess this is entertainment for tigers. It's probably like watching America's Test Kitchen on PBS. It's definitely making me hungry.

As Kamandi tries to escape Tiny (who is much bigger when drawn by Eaglesham than when drawn by Giffen!), he discovers the walls of the arena are electrified. Boo! Hiss! That's a cheating shortcut! Electricity is always the way the hero takes out the unstoppable foe! This Cliffhanger Solution rates a 3 out of 10! Did I boo yet? BOO!

Tiny is knocked unconscious from the electrified walls. That's got to be a lot of electricity running along those walls to drop a beast like that! I guess the Tiger-men's post-apocalyptic world isn't so bad if it has such generous power reserves.

Prince Fuzzypants is impressed by Kamandi's resourcefulness even though that resourcefulness has been used over and over again in all kinds of books and movies and television shows. How lucky that there's always some kind of electrical danger nearby when the hero is about to be torn to pieces.

Kamandi is brought to Doctor Canus to be trained. Doctor Canus begins slathering peanut butter all over his cock.

You'd be shocked too if your dog began talking to you while you were crouched in front of it with your crotch covered in Jif.

Doctor Canus takes Kamandi on a walk and shows him Tiger City. Upon seeing the Brother Eye symbol outside the Hall of War, Kamandi tries to investigate it. But it will have to wait until Kamandi becomes best friends with Prince Fuzzypants. For now, he's just a lowly animal being trained to fight in the arena. I hope the second cliffhanger isn't another bout in the arena! Maybe all the cliffhangers will be bigger and bigger opponents in the arena.

Great Caesar returns with a load of leopard slaves and a nuclear missile. Kamandi slips his leash and loses Canus in the celebrating crowd. He heads straight to the Hall of War where he was just told he couldn't go. Somebody is going to be called a bad human and thumped on his tender nose.

Guarding the Hall of War are a bunch of Jackdaws. They're sentient humanoid crows and probably the next cliffhanger. Oh, no. There are still too many pages left. I guess this diversion was just so Kamandi could learn that the tigers of Tiger City are stockpiling ancient weapons. That might be a clue for later! It's hard to tell though because I still don't know what the mystery is. But I think I do know what the next cliffhanger will be!

Silly tigers! Nukes are for...uh, I mean, they're greeeeeeeeat!

The stupid tigers set the bomb to detonate in five minutes. What a cliffhanger! Kamandi only has five minutes to convince Doctor Canus that the tigers will die if he doesn't disarm the bomb! And he'll only have thirty seconds to do that since he'll spend most of the time licking off that peanut butter!

What Did I Learn?
Well, I haven't learned what the mystery is yet, that's for sure! Is the mystery how the world was destroyed? Or why Kamandi needs to find his parents? Or why he needs to remember Command "D" (other than so everybody thinks that's his name)? Or why the world needs saving? Or why the tigers are so stupid and careless? Maybe the mystery is how a dog became a scientist!

The Ranking!
Well shit. It's not too bad because I love stupid gimmick comic books like this!

Earth Too: Society #20

How is this not over yet?!

So I guess we're not done with the everybody is afraid of superheroes stories yet?

It doesn't matter if they've seen Wonders or not, really.

This issue is a big fight with the Wonders coming out on top. Meanwhile the Bat-family are going to storm Ultra-Humanite's headquarters. Meanwhile meanwhile, Ultra-Humanite is going to unleash Green Lantern on the world so that he might destroy the Wonders. He's Ultra-Humanite's secret weapon.

What Did We Learn?
Why am I pretending this comic book is teaching the readers anything? I guess maybe it's teaching them patience as they wait for more actual plot each month? Perhaps it's teaching them to be frugal with their money by punishing them for blowing $2.99 on this boring garbage? I was really hoping it was going to get interesting on New New Earth 2 Too but instead it's just more of the same bullshit. Constant punching. Citizens afraid of superheroes. The barest minimum of story actually being told.

The Ranking!
-1! Look at that cover. Remember when Val-zod was a pacifist? I guess that twist was too hard to write around when 98% of all comic book problems are solved with violence.

Earth Too: Society #19

Tornado Lane is going to have a tough time going undercover.

The press should stop sending journalists to White House press conferences. Instead, they should just hire the guys from Jackass to attend them all. I wonder how many farts to the face or shaved hair ambushes or punches in the balls Sean Spicer could take while acting like he's in on the joke before he quits his lie-telling job?

Today on Tumblr, some anon told me to kill myself. Son, I've been playing Call of Duty for years. When you tell me to kill myself, all I hear is "Good job owning me completely!"

On New New Earth 2 Too, the Wonders discover they're still being hunted by The Sandmen. The whole "undercover" bit on the cover is just some time-wasting until the Sandmen can attack before they can actually do anything undercover. Meanwhile the Bat-family are rescued by Steel who turns on them for arbitrary reasons. The only actual reveal in this issue comes on the last page (of course) just to be shocking when it could have been revealed much earlier and provided for more actual story. The whole premise of this issue was to have the reader thinking, "Who is The Director?! Who is The Director?! He's wearing purple and green armor so it must be...well, it must be Ultra-Humanite since he was pretty much the only villain left from Earth Too.

What Did We Learn?
I think perhaps we learned that DC Comics signed a contract with Dan Abnett to write a certain number of Earth 2 books before they had solidified their Rebirth plans. Now he's stuck dragging out this Earth 2 story until he fulfills the contract and everybody can go back to not giving a shit about this version of Earth 2. Although I'm sure DC Comics will decided to throw more money at the concept by rebooting this world as Earth 2 Rebirth. If so, it'll be the first Rebirth book that I don't even give a chance.

The Ranking!
-1! Nothing fucking happened!

Earth Too: Society #18

The end is nigh! Although not nigh enough!

Batdick, The Huntress, and Batdick's son John have also survived The Casketing. They're wandering about the stark white world having a discussion that most heroes sorely need to have.

I was completely on Batdick's side until he called Helena by name while she's in her Huntress costume. Asshole.

The Langolier Sandmen attack the trio during which John yells at one of them, "Get off Aunt Helena!" Code names, kids! Also, um, maybe get your relationships straight. How is Helena Wayne your aunt? The Dick Grayson of New 52 Earth 2 wasn't the ward of Bruce Wayne. I don't mind this kind of misinformation being thrown around in Rebirth because Rebirth is a whole new crazy mashing together of old DC timelines (sort of?) but this book is still based on The New 52. I won't have this characters her playing fast and loose with their comic book reality!

Although I should excuse John. He is, in another reality, a six year old boy whose father never really tried too hard to find him when he got lost. He might be used to calling strange women hanging out with his dad "Aunt".

The other heroes elsewhere begin bathing the city in x-rays as they try to figure out where they are. Turns out the city forming around them looks like Old Metropolis. I don't know how "old" the "old" is in Old Metropolis but I'm willing to bet it's not old enough for me. It's highly doubtful these characters will be exterminated to bring back the super duper Old Metropolis of the original Earth 2. So things are probably resetting to the shitty New 52 Earth 2 that nobody fucking cares about. I'm still sore that I spent so much money on it and World's End and Society. How does one start a class action lawsuit against a comic book company?

Metropolis isn't even fully formed yet and the superheroes are destroying it. Fucking assholes.

The Sandmen try one desperate time to murder the Wonders who shouldn't be transitioning from Earth Too to New New 52 Earth 2. Or, hopefully, just a totally different Earth 2 altogether that maybe contains the World War II Veteran Wonders. They might be in their late hundred and fifties judging by the technology of Metropolis but that shouldn't stop them. They're Wonders!

Upon arriving, they're greeted by a new Steel who is probably going to pretend that they'll only survive if each one of them sucks his dick.

What Did We Learn?
DC Comics has no idea when to end a comic book. This really should have ended when the entire world went white. On the plus side, I think it's about to get much better than it's been since about World's End #1.

The Ranking!
No change!

Aquaman #10

I think a jellyfish is stuck to her mouth.

Somebody named stickyshemale just began following my Tumblr account. I used to block porn accounts whenever I noticed them following me but then I had to think, "What if they're just really intelligent comic book fans who appreciate the hidden depths of my dick jokes?" And then I had to stop blocking them because I would hate it if I couldn't read the things that I wrote.

Mera is still putting up with the old lady tradition nonsense where they have to make sure she's fit to be the queen and also make sure she's a virgin, probably. Part of the tradition is to read her future to find out what kind of queen she'll be. It seems like maybe that's the only part that would matter! If they can really tell the future then what else does Mera have to learn? Just look at the seaweed leaves, makes sure the world isn't destroyed when Mera becomes queen, and then let her marry Arthur. So they look at her future and there's a hitch that makes it seem like maybe she shouldn't marry Arthur.

This story is called "Future Tide". Judging by this image and these Narration Boxes, I think I know what "tide" Abnett is talking about.

Apparently if Arthur marries Mera, he'll die and she'll go crazy and the world will end in something called The Deluge. I guess that's just the Atlantean equivalent of a Trump Presidency. I mean an apocalypse.

Mera is offended that the Widowhood think she's going to bring about the end of the world. She's all, "How can I be the bringer of destruction? Look at these fantastic tits! How could these cause any harm?!" I would also mention the full and tight ass. It's definitely not destroying anything in my pants. In fact, it's creating something!

The Widowhood decide that, based on the vision, maybe Mera isn't a good match for Arthur. That's dumb! Don't they know that prophecy always plays people for fools?! Obviously the prophecy means that because of the prophecy, the Widowhood do not allow Mera to marry Arthur, therefore he marries somebody who will wind up destroying the world. That's like Prophecy 101: Intro to Self-fulfilling Prophecies.

When she's told she can't marry Arthur, Mera wishes she were a land dweller so she could stomp her foot. Instead she has to be content with letting out a few bubbles of shock as she stares agape into her suddenly depressing and loveless future. It's also probably the future that will bring the Deluge, stupid prophets!

Mera decides to go hang out at the lighthouse in Amnesty Bay with Aquadog, a carton of Oreos, and a gallon of Earl Grey tea.

Why does she have to wring out her hair? Can't she just use her powers to remove the water?

The Prophet had a little more prophecy than the vision of the world drowning in menstrual blood. It said something about the name of the enemy being hidden in the lighthouse that howls, or something. So as Mera walks up to the lighthouse and hears Aquadog howling, she begins to feel the prophecy really did focus on her. But nobody cared about the Prophet's addendum! It was too abstruse. But I'm sure Mera will figure it out. I just hope she figures it out in this issue because I didn't buy Issue #11.

Mera finds a note from Stubbs, some woman she met in a previous story arc. She wants to meet with her so she can tell her about NEMO. Hey! They're Aquaman's real enemy! I just figured it out! Black Manta is going to disguise himself as a woman so he can marry Arthur and destroy the world! Boom. Now I don't have to worry about this story ending this issue because I guess what's going to happen. Even if I'm wrong, I'll never know because I'm not reading the next issue. And nobody reading this would be dickbag enough to destroy my delusion!

During the meeting, some NEMO operative named Broadsides tries to assassinate Mera and Stubbs. But he fails because he's terrible. Although he does get away. Afterward, Mera learns that Aquaman nearly died battling The Shaggy Man because she was off being tested to make sure she didn't pass on any sexually transmitted diseases on her wedding night with Aquaman.

The Ranking!
No change. I haven't really been interested in Aquaman since Issue #1 of The New 52 so it's off the pull list. It'll be hard to adjust to a comic book reading life of not making fun of Aquaman and sexually harassing fictional character Mera with my sexy words. I sort of hope the only Aquaman comics I ever read again are the ones by Peter David in the nineties. Mostly because I have those and I'll be rereading them at some point so I'd like to pretend that I want to.

Titans #4

If you added a "His" to this title, it could anagram into "shitstain." Apt?

Brett Booth's art is terrible. Why are so many people fooled into thinking he knows how to draw? I suppose if he were drawing people with blood clots in their thighs, causing the painful retention of blood and water in their massively expanding legs, I could see how he was doing a good job. In the early stages of The New 52, his style didn't bother me. I might have even mentioned liking it once or twice because I'm more apt to appreciate cartoony comic book art than art that verges on the realistic. But I think somewhere along the way, he noticed people were raving about Kenneth Rocafort's comic book style. Now Booth's panel layouts are all over the place. It's so punk rock! Here's a simple hint that your comic book art is terrible: if the best compliment people can give it is that it's "dynamic," you're art is shit. Now, I don't know that people describe Booth's art as dynamic but I'd agree with that assessment. It's pretty fucking out of control and all over the fucking page. Plus, he fills a lot of space with clouds and dust which presume movement (dynamism!) but are really just a lazy way to cover up that boring background art.

So anyway, Wally West is back in the Titans and a lot of people are thrilled. I think. I'm annoyed because did the DC Universe really need another speedster? Nobody knows how to write a good Speedster comic book. Here's the first page as evidence:

Take his wand, Wally. Take it. Go super fast and take it. See when he says, "Oh"? Take the wand now! Dammit, stop hesitating. Now he's saying "but"! Take the wand! Take it! Take...you idiot! Okay, you've still got a chance! He's now saying "yes!" So much time in the space of that word for a speedster to take the wand out of Kadabra's hand and shove it up his pee hole. But does Wally take the opportunity? Nope. Maybe he'll finally superspeed into success while Kadabra says, "She's gone, Mr. West! Ppof! Your precious Linda Park has vanished before your very eyes!" No, wait, he didn't do it. See that second "POP!"? Kadabra's gone!

Some of you fuckwits will rationalize why Wally doesn't act in what is practically a decade of time from his perspective because you're puppets of your fandom. You could never utter a bad word against the character who you love so much you've drawn a terrible line drawing of him naked that you keep tucked inside your pillow case so that you can masturbate over him every night and fall asleep in your soggy sheets dreaming of his spectacular big thighed body. You're probably thinking about how traumatized poor Wally is having just seen his lover disappear right in front of him. He was too stunned to act! He was in shock! Or maybe he was too stupid to stop Linda Park from being kidnapped by Kadabra since Wally West had this exact same amount of time to stop Kadabra from taking Linda at the end of the last issue. I suppose he was too busy trying to hide his Linda Park Boner to save her that time, right?

Nothing is instantaneous (especially not villainous speeches directed at the hero) but, somehow, in Speedster comic books, the reader is constantly asked to believe that people can get the drop on a Speedster. Even if we theorize Wally West has two modes, Regular Speed and Speed Force Speed, I still can't believe that somebody can get the drop on him while he's at normal speed. If I can punch the face of a person who startles me from behind then Wally West can drop into Speed Force Speed just as quickly. And once he's gone speedy, nobody can do anything that Wally West doesn't want them to do. He should never say, "But I'm not fast enough." I never want to hear that coming from a Speedster. Unless, of course, the Speedster is fighting one of the infinite evil Speedsters that are all always faster than the good Speedster so that the story has some kind of fake dramatic tension.

Wally goes on to explain how Kadabra's "techno-magic" made Linda Park disappear right in front of him and he wasn't fast enough. I would totally accept that if what happened was she was there and then suddenly she wasn't there. But what happened was Kadabra teleported in, said a whole bunch of shit, and teleported out. And now the same exact crap is going on as Kadabra teleports around while speaking and Wally isn't fast enough to catch him. I guess Kadabra is saying everything in a nearly instantaneous burst of noise which Wally can hear as normal speech due to being in Speed Force Speed.

This should be the mantra of every member of every incarnation of every team of Titans ever.

Abra Kadabra calls Flash by his name, Mr. West, so I guess Flash's secret identity isn't a thing. I know some heroes don't give a shit about secret identities which, you would think, would ruin it for everybody. Because it can't be that difficult, with a little time and research, to begin matching up all of the regular people Wally West hangs out with and then matching them up with the people they hang out with before a pattern begins to develop. Wally to Dick to Bruce. Wally to Roy to Oliver to Dinah to Barbara to Bruce. Wally to Garth to Arthur. Although Arthur doesn't have a secret identity either, right? It's just nobody on the Justice League wants to hang out with Aquaman on off hours, so Arthur Curry can't be linked to any of the other Justice League members' secret identities.

Linda Park is such a fat ass. Look at that! No thigh gap!

I'm not sure, by the size of Brett Booth's character's thighs, he could draw a woman with a thigh gap. I guess that's one positive thing I can say about his art!

Kadabra's plan is to destroy Wally West. He thinks that's a magic trick. He also thinks, if we allow him the benefit of the doubt that it is a magic trick, that anybody will be interested in the trick. I mean anybody besides me! Because, let's face it, The Titans haven't actually existed before this in this reality. So nobody will give a shit about them. And if people assume that these Titans are the same as those Teen Titans that went around causing chaos and mayhem and breaking into prisons and helping escaped convicts remain free, then...okay, maybe people will enjoy that trick if they think that.

Abra Kadabra is just being used by The Watchmen, though, to try to tie up all of the loose ends from the Preboot Universe that have wormed their way into The New 52 universe (which has now been rebranded the Rebirth universe but is still exactly the same as The New 52 universe only with more idiot readers who fell for the rebranding and are super excited about that thing they recently despised). To be fair, the Rebirth universe is actually completely different than The New 52 universe because the writers have a mandate to make the characters say things that aren't true about the Rebirth universe but, if said enough, will become true to the audience.

Like here. Wally declares the Titans are his oldest and best friends. Maybe to Wally but they hardly remember him! Except they totally remember him and their New 52 lives because fuck you. Also, Dick tells Wally he loves him which totally isn't true because Dick barely knows him. And he tells Lilith that she's always been a Titan even though he didn't know she existed before a few issues ago. Except, I guess, he completely remembers Wally and Lilith and all of his Preboot memories. So look for Dick Grayson to be in an insane asylum in a few issues. Probably along with the rest of these characters (and Wonder Woman!) who suddenly have to remember various incarnations of themselves because DC's editors have sucked at their jobs for thirty years now.

Think about how badly DC knew they screwed up with The New 52 by the second year in. They thought divesting all of their characters with their decades of past, crazy history would make for an interesting project. But by two years in, they desperately felt the characters needed more history to them and so they pulled that fucking terrible Futures End crap. They thought injecting five years of fake history into the characters would make the characters interesting and yet they just discarded fifty years of actual stories for their new project. They were desperate to inject something more than the present into these characters. They were devoid of the drama of past history and relationships so DC tries to fill that void with prognostications of their futures. Which is the dumbest thing to do because now instead of creating tension and drama, you've locked your characters into a path that leads them to their stupid Futures End future. DC realized their mistake at some point and decided to pull the whole Conversion thing as a bit of legerdemain as they threw out most of the Futures End stuff and tried to forge a new path into the New 52. That, of course, failed as well and the only thing they had left was the emergency chute: bring back Wally West to show they mean to change things back. But in the meantime, blame most of the mistakes on the audience by making The New 52 the fault of the Watchmen (get it? The watchers! The readers!) but pretend that the Watchmen actually represent the editors who really should take all of the blame but DC only really blames them in a wink, wink, tongue-in-cheek manner. DC fucking hates everybody reading their comic books. The contempt shows in every editorial fuck up they bumble into.

This page could have been replaced by a Polaroid of Dan Abnett jerking himself off and I wouldn't have noticed the difference.

Where the fuck did Tempest come up with that time table? Is that how long the Find the Lady vaudeville act usually lasted? Oh, and remember what I said about Booth's penchant for dust and steam? You can practically hear Brett Booth moaning, "Fuck these skyscrapers. STEAM!" The bottom panel of this same page (not scanned) has no background except gray expanse and steam or dust or farts. Whatever.

Oh! And also, just in case you didn't remember that the Titans are lifelong friends who totally didn't just learn of each other's existence about three days previously, Donna Troy reminds everybody. Hey Donna Troy? Have you told them that you're a golem created to destroy the Amazons who has also become The Three Fates? Can't you use your ability to see everybody's destinies and tell them all where Linda Park is?

I love that Donna Troy, here in Rebirth, already has a terminally fucked up and confusing backstory.

Wally thinks, "At first I think, I don't deserve friends like this. Then I think, I'd do the same for them." We get it, Dan. Jesus fucking Christ. They're best friends! Friendship wins! Friends friends friends friends friends friends friends! This shit is sappier than fucking Lumberjanes.

Kadabra has shown the Titans three locations across the city where Linda Park might be so they split up to check those locations. Haven't these idiots ever heard of Three Card Monty? None of the cards are the card you're looking for! Plus, he's a magician! Figure out where he might be thematically! Don't trust he's appearing at a Gymnasium or a Keymart! I mean, maybe he is performing at a Keymart because he's a shit magician. But even then, it would be from 2-4 on Sunday afternoon.

Kadabra doubles the power of his puppets so that they're twice as powerful as the Titans. If he has that kind of power, why is he taking so long to destroy the Titans? He can make people with super powers! He can...wait a second. What does it mean to double Nightwing's powers? Does that mean he's an even better friend than Dick Grayson?

I'll let the rabble make the ass jokes.

Fuck you.

If Wally West obliterates you in the future, how did you come back from the future to stop Wally from obliterating you? And if that's just one possibility and you came back from a future where he didn't obliterate you, why come back at all? Kadabra mentioned earlier he's the greatest magician on all worlds. Why not pick a world that hasn't realized he's a greedy prat and just live there? Comic book time travel is always the worst. Why not have Kadabra come from the future because it's easier to rob banks in the past? Why not have him come from the future to steal shit that will be valuable in the future so he can take it back and sell it to make his fortune? Why not have him do anything except change the past so the future is different? Who fucking cares?! If you can time travel and you hate your lot in life in the present (of your future!), why not fucking go forward in time to start again?!

So the Titans go about town fighting the puppet Titans. It's super exciting.

Here. Have some disgusting thighs and terrible repartee while I finish reading this shit.

Kadabra explains to Linda Park that if Wally West "accelerates too fast, he loses himself." So I guess that's the excuse for why he can't be super fast enough to stop somebody when they're talking? He has to warm up the engines and go from zero to light speed in a reasonable amount of time? Apparently that amount of time is too reasonable and anybody can beat his ass then. Except later Kadabra just mentions that it happens when he runs too fast. So which is it? Is it too much of a top speed that causes him to become unbound in the universe or is it too much acceleration? Either way, it's an arbitrary limit that just makes The Flash useless whenever a writer needs him to be useless. Because now he has to be fast enough to stop the criminal but not too fast or he'll disappear from the universe. Which means...well, it means nothing. It just means the writer has some kind of excuse to keep Wally West from being invincible.

The Titans all fail against the Titan puppets which must be truly humiliating. Wally has to save them all but Kadabra has another trick up his dick: he sends them all to different cities so that The Flash has to run all over saving them! I mean, he sent one group to Coast City and the others to Metropolis and Gotham which are basically right next door to each other anyway. But the issue is that The Flash will have to run super fast to save them all and we just learned what will happen then! The Flash will get lost in infinity! Or something.

The Review
Terrible. It's possible the writing isn't as bad as I believe it is because I'm in a pretty foul mood having to look at Brett Booth's art throughout the story. But I'm fairly certain the writing is that bad because on the final page, Wally West Narration Boxes, "His techno-magic is faster than thought." That's not a thing. See, Kadabra has to think a thought to get the techno-magic to do the thing, so it's at least slower than thought. But let's pretend it's pre-programmed to be faster than thought anyway. Thought isn't really all that fast. Here's the thing. If the Flash runs at superspeed, his ability to think has to be faster than a regular person's ability to think or else he couldn't navigate while running. Hell, he probably shouldn't be able to see very well while running and he certainly shouldn't be able to hear other people talking to him while running faster than the speed of sound. And people shouldn't be able to hear what he...sorry! I've gone off track. Anyway, a common way to beat The Flash in old DC Comics was to have him go up against psychics like Grodd because their thoughts were faster than his speed ability. Again, though, total nonsense. I'll admit that if Grodd blasted The Flash with his psionics while The Flash wasn't paying attention, it would work wonderfully. But if The Flash survived the blast, it would be over for Grodd. Unless Grodd didn't need to be nearby and only needed to think his psychic thoughts without directing them. But then who could stand against Grodd anyway?! Maybe Doctor Fate!

Um, anyway, I didn't like this issue or this series, so it's gone. Off the list! Even if it's going to be a linchpin series in the whole Watchmen fucking with the DC Universe story, I have to drop it. There are just way too many bad ideas in it and it's trying way too hard to replace New 52 continuity for whatever the fuck the characters say enough times to convince readers. I'll pass.

Aquaman #9

Maybe the Shaggy Man just needs a Snickers?

Hey! That's an idea! Has anybody tried giving Donald Trump a Snickers? Maybe he's just really hungry! If somebody gives him a Snickers, maybe he'll go back to the Trump who was pro-abortion and thought universal healthcare was a right of the people!

How bored must Donald Trump already be with all of this pre-presidential shit? He's like the football player who runs for Student Body President simply for the extra adulation and pussy but then ditches every student council meeting and completely ignores every single one of his duties.

Donald Trump is missing a grand opportunity. How can he not fill every cabinet position with reality television stars and aging child celebrities?! I'm so fucking disappointed in the loss of this potential New World Order!

Shit. I just realized The Shaggy Man isn't Donald Trump! I thought I was writing about the comic book already! The Shaggy Man Aquaman is fighting was created by Professor Ivo and not by Satan's jizz squirted into a bag of Cheetos and crumpled up dollar bills.

Aquaman tries to explain The Shaggy Man to Tula.

Aquaman: "It's like Doomsday! But worse!"
Tula: "Wait. How is it worse than Doomsday? Doomsday killed Superman!"
Aquaman: "Yeah, but Doomsday has to die to become resistant to the thing that killed him. The Shaggy Man just needs to be hurt by it and he's resistant!"
Tula: "But isn't The Shaggy Man a robot? Isn't it just a machine? How does that work?!"
Aquaman: "I have no idea! You just have to accept these things and live with them! Stop questioning the logic of our universe!"
Tula: "If this Shaggy Man is a real thing, what the fuck? How are people not rioting in the streets over planned obsolescence?! Why am I continually having to buy a new iPhone...I mean, uSphere every other year? Can't Professor Ivo make one from Shaggy Man technology?"
Aquaman: "I told you to stop questioning these things! The next thing you'll want to know is how I exist when Atlanteans and Land Dwellers have evolved into such obviously different species that my parents shouldn't have been able to produce offspring!"

How is Aquaman going to defeat The Shaggy Man?! Is he going to have to research every single thing the Justice League has ever done to it so as not to waste time attacking it in that manner? Or will he just get a bunch of comedians together by offering a job to punch up a script and then have them brainstorm ways to hilariously defeat an unbeatable foe? I bet The Shaggy Man has never slipped on a banana peel before! Or been told who is on first! Cream pie to the face? What if Aquaman forges an out of date Shaggy Man warranty card and then shows it to him? Also, there's probably a whole line of ACME products that nobody has tried.

No wonder Aquaman rarely uses his fish talking powers anymore! He's still traumatized by what Swamp Thing did to the dugongs he recruited to stop him!

Instead of helping Arthur, Mera is stuck answering an old lady's questions. Apparently it's more important to establish Mera's fitness to be queen than to help save the city or Amnesty Bay from The Shaggy Man. What an apt metaphor for traditions! They simply slow down progress and positive change to appease the older generations!

Murk tries to convince Aquaman that he can't defeat The Shaggy Man without the help of the Justice League, especially since he won't summon any innocent fish to assist him. But Aquaman has a plan! It's a crazy plan but it just might work! You always have to say a plan just might work so the audience knows it's risky and exciting instead of realizing that whatever it is, no matter how lame, it'll work because that's a pretty standard comic book contrivance. The hero must win eventually! Except in the rare cases where the hero doesn't win. But they eventually do win! You just can't ever stop reading in the middle of the story.

What is Aquaman's plan, you're wondering? Oh, let me tell you! But first, remember when I said this in my Aquaman #7 review: "The Justice League Identity Card is also a key to use the Watchtower Teleport System. That’s probably an important plot point that readers should remember for later." Well, it's time to remember that plot point! Which is why I wondered if you remembered the time I reminded you to later remember that plot point! Because Aquaman takes out his stupid Justice League Blockbuster Card which was such a stupid idea that I knew it had to be important later, and he activates the Justice League Watchtower Teleportation System!

Sure, at the time, I predicted maybe Manta might steal it. But I still knew something so stupidly obvious was going to be important!

The Shaggy Man (along with Aquaman's Justice League Identity Card!) is teleported into space where I'm sure he'll eventually meet up with Brainiac. Until then, the world is saved! By Aquaman's CostCo Discount Club Card!

The Ranking!
+0! I wonder how much Batman is going to charge Aquaman to replace his Justice League Identity Card?

Earth Too: Society #17

Inconceivably, after the Pandora Casket was opened, Power Girl's breasts got bigger and Val-Zod now has an invisible penis.

I thought last issue was the final issue because Earth Too was written over by Fury opening the Pandora Casket. But I guess that would be an unsatisfying ending for most people. Those people are desperate jerks who probably think after they die, they're going to get some kind of eloquent epilogue to wrap up their life in a pretty little bow of meaning. Look, I understand why people choose to believe in some kind of afterlife. I get it. Why not believe in the thing you want to believe in and whistle blithely into the void? But there's a reason Fox Mulder had a poster that said "I want to believe." That phrasing is quite specific. Some of us would love to believe! We'd love to think it's all kittens and roses rather than nonexistence! I was going to say "kittens and roses rather than blackness and earthworms." But even blackness and earthworms is too much of a description for what it's like after one dies. I suppose I could use the old standard of it being exactly like before you were born. I mean, you didn't exist then either! Isn't that also a terrifying notion?! I mean, billions and billions of years passed (and probably even more than that!) before some gross dude stuck his penis in the purest woman ever's vagina and created me! It actually seems more plausible that the universe never existed until I came into being and was able to perceive it! When I die, I'm shutting this shit down!

This issue begins with a red line zipping around a white city just starting to come into focus. Or go out of focus. It's hard to tell. Anyway, it's probably The Flash. I only added the "probably" so as to not seem too arrogant. I'm told that acknowledging my perceptiveness is a total turn-off to stupid readers. And I can't lost half of my audience because they think I'm an arrogant jerk! So I totally wasn't sure it was The Flash even though nobody reading this book thought anything else. Does that make me seem more relatable?

This issue is called "After the End: The Final Fate of Earth 2: Part One." NO! Part One!? Come on! I thought for sure this thing was done. Now I'm intensely worried that the Doctor Fate #17 in my stack isn't the last stupid issue of that stupid comic book!

The Flash finds Fury sad about destroying the world. But doesn't she see? She's just erased the hard drive! Now she gets to reinstall whatever history she wants! Fury and Flash can think up a world where super heroes constantly fought the Nazis! A world where the super heroes could use totally racist terms against their enemies because those enemies were the greatest enemies ever! And anybody tsk-tsking calling a Nazi a no-good Kraut could go jump off in a lake! Jerko Nazi sympathizers!

Elsewhere, Tornado Lane, Power Girl, and Hawk-cop have also survived the erasing of the world. I guess if you're an important character, you get to live. Nobody should worry at all about all of the unimportant people who no longer exist.

Tornado Lane tells Hawk-cop that she heard a voice talking about imminent cohesion. Hawk-cop is all, "What is cohesion? Der!" And Tornado Lane, the robot journalist, is all, "No idear! Der!" I guess they don't want to spoil the surprise for the stupid readers who haven't already figured out what is happening! I mean, readers like me, of course! What is going on? Der!

To keep the process timely (the world should coalesce in a little over an hour), the Pandora Casket's programming must rid the area of all extrinsic creatures. That probably means the Wonders! And to do the ridding, the Pandora Casket has created some Langoliers out of Sandman. Flash and Fury group up with Tornado Lane, Hawk-cop, and Power Girl after which they're attacked by more Sandmen. But Superman arrives to save the day right before this issue ends.

This story should have just ended last issue. I don't see the point in extending it at all! The New 52 Earth-2 was a huge failure! Couldn't DC just allow it the dignity to disappear into nonexistence without another word?

The Rankings!
1. The Sheriff of Babylon (*)
2. New Super-man (*)
3. Deathstork (*)
4. Wonder Woman (*)
5. Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps (*)
6. Suicide Squad (*)
7. The Flash (*)
8. Earth 2: Society (*)