Green Lantern Corps #25

Do I have to read a Zero Year military story? Please get to the handing out of the ring quickly.

This issue begins in Detroit twenty years previously! Holy Dick Sucking Monster Men! That's nearly before the Crisis on Infinite Earths happened! I said "nearly," you nerd! Don't make me point to a dictionary definition that says nearly can be within "eight years" of the exact date. Especially because it would look weird that the definition is written in the margins in my handwriting.

It also takes place in Detroit! Holy Dick Sucking Motorcars! I don't know why I'm so surprised that it takes place in Detroit.

I just rewatched "The Mindscape of Alan Moore" and now I feel guilty that I'm not taking writing seriously. What kind of magic spell am I casting when I cause half a dozen people to read the phrase "Holy Dick Sucking Monster Men" all at the same time? Perhaps a script will manifest out of the aether for a porn parody of Pacific Rim, "Pacific Rimjob."

General Main General Man: "Why are these Battle Mech not designed according to the exact specifications our engineers demanded?"
Lower Ranking Subordinate: "Really? You actually wanted them outfitted with gigantic penises?"
General Main General Man: "Of course I did! How else are we going to pacify the Giant Dick Sucking Monster Men?!"
Lower Ranking Subordinate: "I thought we could just blow them up with the shoulder mounted nuclear rockets?"
General Main General Man: "Who said to add those?! Those rocket mounts are for Rocket Propelled Syringes filled with a mixture of Heroin and Ecstasy! And who the hell decided to weld metal plates covering up the gigantic, gaping anus?!"

Now I really feel like a failure! Alan Moore said to treat writing as if writing were a God! What kind of God am I worshiping here?!

In Detroit, little John Stewart asks his mom why she's got such a big mouth and she tells him a story that doesn't make any sense. And then it's only six years ago as the gigantic storm is about to hit Gotham! The Marine Corps have been dispatched to shoot poor people before they can loot from middle class people. John Stewart is among these sacred keepers of the peace.

What?! I always thought "Semper Fi" meant "full of sperm." Well, that's what it's going to mean in "Pacific Rimjob."

John Stewart and the other marines wind up in the Gotham Knights Stadium where Anarky reigns. He and a bunch of morons that don't understand that the real power of anarchy doesn't come from the ends of baseball bats and steel-toed boots disarm the marines because they're a symbol of the social, economic, political, and corporate power structure that feeds off the many. These people have spent years fighting amongst themselves as they've struggled to maintain some sort of life in the shadow of Gotham as Bruce Wayne gentrifies the city and drives the poor from one neighborhood to the next in the name of progress. But now they have a target for their hate given to them by their new leader: Anarky! Hero of the hopeless!

I tend not to have sympathy for Anarky right from the beginning because he says the government used eminent domain to buy up all the property for the Gotham Knights Stadium while also saying this was a poverty stricken district. So, more likely, Bruce Wayne and the other rich bastards of Gotham probably just offered crazy prices to the slumlords to sell off the properties which were most likely filled with renters. But Anarky wins me back a bit with his foosball speech!

I hope John gets his Green Lantern Ring soon!

I know! I know! He's never going to get his Green Lantern ring in a story taking place six years ago! Hal Jordan was barely a Green Lantern at this time! But it's a nice mantra to keep repeating over and over again to hold the entire commentary together. Except now that I mentioned it, it's lost its effectiveness and I'll be abandoning it immediately.

John and the military escape. John's commander wants to kick the crap out of Anarky's henchman and some of his underlings are ready to kill them. But John remembers the story his mother told him twenty years ago about how people in power have a responsibility not to get emotional when trying to maintain the peace. Or something. I'm only halfway through this comic book and both stories are being told at the same time! Can it get any more confusing?! In one story, I'm supposed to be sympathetic with the military! But in the other story, I'm supposed to be sympathetic with the civilians!? Who am I supposed to root for?! Is it possible I'm supposed to be on the side of . . . EVERYONE?! SHOCK!

Why is John the only person in this stadium that understands anarchy? I guess because nobody else heard his mom's story fourteen years ago!

Here's my definition of an Anarchist Society: "A place where anybody can do anything they want without worrying about some stupid cop putting a bullet in their head. But they have to worry about everyone else putting a bullet in their head all the time because there are no cops." Although, seriously, we don't live in an anarchy and we have to worry about cops and non-cops putting bullets in our heads all the time! Go USA! NUMBER ONE! NUMBER ONE!

John Stewart saves the day but pisses off his commanding officer which was probably a bad move for his military career. But it was probably a good move for his civilian career as an architect! Also, Anarky gets away and Batman makes a quick cameo as he swings in close to get a quick look at Stewart's ass before disappearing back into the night. And, twenty years ago, Little Johnny Stewart learns some kind of lesson or something about power or racism or corruption or lawyers or something. I'm not really very good at learning lessons. Maybe the lesson he learned was to shoot his own dog.

Green Lantern Corps #25 Rating: No change. I think this was the most successful John Stewart has ever been if you measure success by how many people didn't die because of his inability to save them!

Superboy #21

If I hadn't been reading Superboy before now, I may actually have picked it up based on this cover. A Boy and his Dog Story. Go Krypto!

I have yet to open this comic book so I'm crossing my fingers that Justin Jordan doesn't go back to that whole "My name is Superboy" bullshit opening that Tom DeFalco and Scott Lobdell loved so much. I know Jordan obliterated it at the beginning of last issue but you never can tell what DC's editors deem is truly important. Someone may have been pissed and they might try to force him back to that bullshit opening. For all that is good and holy, please don't let that happen!

I actually would not have minded if this began, "My name is Krypto."

Interestingly enough, Justin Jordan seems to know the difference between the Arctic and the Antarctic! That's another reason he's a better writer than Tott Dedell.

Last issue, Superboy and Doctor Psycho teamed up to battle H.I.V.E. Doctor Psycho just wants them to stop pursuing him (I think!) and Superboy doesn't really have a H.I.V.E. related agenda. He just kind of got roped into this thing because Doctor Psycho lied to him about being able to reveal some of Superboy's secret past. But Superboy doesn't just kick Doctor Psycho out on the streets when he realizes he was lying because Doctor Psycho tells him more lies about how H.I.V.E. can help somehow. I suppose Superboy is still too young and naive (he's only like six months old!) to realize he probably shouldn't be teaming up with a guy named Doctor Psycho.

And then Krypto comes for a visit!

I remember Krypto meeting Supergirl in H'el on Earth but I don't remember any stories where Superboy gets to know Krypto. That doesn't mean none have been told. It could mean my memory sucks. Even if no issues have shown a meeting, Superboy has spent enough time with Superman while going through his DNA woes that he probably was introduced. And Krypto, unlike everybody else on Krypton, apparently likes clones.

Doctor Psycho's research leads them to a runaway girl named Sarah that has some psychic power that puts her on H.I.V.E.'s hit list. She's currently being tracked by a creature called Decay, so Superboy, Doctor Psycho, and Krypto take her under their collective wing to protect her. Judging by the way Issue #20 began, I don't think they're going to be very good at it.

While they're putting some food in Sarah (who escaped from the same H.I.V.E. facility that Doctor Psycho escaped from), Decay attacks! And he's another one of those creatures that isn't affected by telekinesis! Go figure! Superboy's power is the worst because it's simply binary. If the writer wants it to work, it works and Superboy is a badass Super Person. If the writer doesn't want it to work, it doesn't work and Superboy can't do much of anything. Also, Superboy apparently can't touch Decay but Decay can touch Superboy. So can Superboy touch Decay while Decay's touching Superboy since that's the only fucking way that can fucking work?

See? He's holding his arm! Kick him in the privates now!

Doctor Psycho realizes that Decay is just a psychic manifestation created by Sarah. So he threatens her life and she suddenly changes into Decay herself. So now maybe Decay is physical? Also, I'm guessing kicking her in the privates wouldn't have been as effective a plan as I thought.

To stop Sarah, Superboy interrupts the blood flow to her brain, causing her to pass out. Then Doctor Psycho induces a psychic coma so that she'll remain in her happy place picnicking with her parents until they can find a proper way to keep her from turning into Decay. Superboy realizes that H.I.V.E. is exactly like N.O.W.H.E.R.E. in that they're creating warriors out of innocent people. Now he actually has a reason to battle H.I.V.E. And Doctor Psycho believes he knows where to go next.

Superboy #20 Rating: +1 Ranking. Once again, not that I think this individual issue was really very good but at least it was coherent and driven by a plot that has now remained consistent across two issues. So it's definitely better than it was. Also, I'd just like to point out that Psiphon's name was changed to Psyphon this issue. Editorial consistency! You know, in that they're never very consistent about doing their job.

Superboy #20

Could this be the Superboy everybody has been waiting for?!

It's nice to see how much pull I finally have with DC's decision making. I wanted Tom DeFalco off of Superboy and he was replaced by Justin Jordan. Sure, there was an interim Scott Lobdell issue but I think he's their go to guy for fill-ins since he doesn't waste time researching characters or bothering with writing well, so he always makes deadlines. I wanted Scott Lobdell off of Red Hood and the Outlaws. I trashed his writing month after month! And finally he's been replaced by James Tynion IV! During Death of the Family, I mentioned how The Joker was like a drunk uncle at a family reunion who puts his dick in the potato salad and then Gail Simone had The Joker refer to Batgirl as "his little potato salad"! That was before Gail Simone (or her husband, I suspect!) was following me but I'm sure that was a sly wink to me! Midway through reading the first Larfleeze back-up story, I claimed I wanted a Larfleeze comic book. And now I'm getting a Larfleeze comic book!

Anybody want to see any changes? I'm taking requests! I can start flexing my blogger muscle and we'll get some shit done!

Wow, you guys may have thought I was an arrogant bastard before. Now check me out pumped full of imaginary power! I'm going to be a monster!

So I pick up Superboy and two panels into the comic, I'm laughing out loud.

Thank you, Justin Jordan. You're my new hero.

With one beautifully inserted "moist", Justin Jordan destroys the lazy, bullshit, boring, overdone, horrible opening that Scott Lobdell and Tom DeFalco have been coasting on for nineteen issues. Maybe it hasn't been that many but it certainly has been too long. "My name is Superboy and I'm a clone created by N.O.W.H.E.R.E and designed to be a living weapon." I just typed that from memory and checking on the actual phrase, it looks like I almost nailed it. I missed the "an organization called" just before N.O.W.H.E.R.E. I hope I never have to see that phrase ever again.

A voice commands Krypto to heel and Krypto keels over. Then the person behind the blue fonted voice responds to Superboy's Narration Boxes (so I guess they're simply thought bubbles here) and punches Superboy in the head. Superboy's powers have been taken, so he's easily knocked unconscious. And then the title mentions H.I.V.E. Dr. Psycho from the previous issues was running from H.I.V.E. And now Superboy seems to have been picked up by their radar. And Superboy is suddenly hanging out with Krypto for some reason! This calls for a flashback!

Probably 24 hours earlier since that seems to be the favorite amount of time to flash back, Superboy was on the phone with his favorite date, Bunker, letting him know he was about to turn himself in for bank robbery.

I've been saying both of those were Superboy's problem for twenty issues now! His other problem was being written by Tott Dedell. But he doesn't have that excuse anymore!

Before Superboy can turn himself in, a small guy with with scars on the top of his bald head and a mask to cover his nose and mouth stops him. I think this is Doctor Psycho because who else is that short! He claims he knows Conner is Superboy and that he knows where Superboy came from. This gets Superboy mad and he telekinetically throws the Doctor into the street. It might save his life since somebody else suddenly throws a car directly into Superboy's face. That somebody else is a creature named Dreadnought. And he's somehow getting stronger while fighting Superboy. Doctor Psycho decides to astrally investigate.

Does this count as an Endless reference?!

While Superboy continues to trade punches with Dreadnought, Doctor Psycho decides to have a psychic battle with Psiphon.

That's cheating!

It seems Doctor Psycho knows better than to go psychic toe to psychic toe with Psiphon, so he pummels him with his fists. He may be a little guy but Psiphon's alien skin must be really soft and tender. He goes down pretty quickly and calls for Dreadnought to save him. Dreadnought is distracted by his little buddy's cry for help and Superboy knocks him into the bay. Then he knocks out Psiphon. Doctor Psycho convinces Superboy that H.I.V.E. wasn't just after him but after Superboy as well. I'm pretty sure that's a lie and Doctor Psycho is just using the current circumstances to enlist Superboy's help to save himself from H.I.V.E. Hell, Doctor Psycho might not even be interested in destroying H.I.V.E. This might be one of those situations where Doctor Psycho believes that if he gives H.I.V.E. a better prisoner for their psionic program, they'll let him go free.

When does Krypto come into this?

Well, Krypto doesn't show up by the final page. But Jocelyn Lure, Timecop, does! And all of her futuristic stuff in her lab is suddenly disappearing. It's like Back to the Future! Somebody must have gone to prom with their mother and fucked up all time! I bet it was Jesus.

Superboy #20 Rating: +2 Ranking. Now, this actually wasn't my favorite comic book. It would normally get a No Change rating since it was mostly a big fight with a few slight reveals. But it's doing something Superboy has had trouble doing for the last 19 issues and that's continuing to tell the story that was being told in previous issues! Plus it wasn't written by Tott Dedell, so that's a huge relief. And Justin Jordan destroyed that God-Awful My Name is Superman opening! Rest in peace, motherfucker!

Superboy #18

Driven insane by his new toupee?

I was pretty excited when I heard Tom DeFalco was off Superboy. But I knew in my heart of hearts that Scott Lobdell would be taking control of this comic book once again. Why can't they just reprint Jeff Lemire's Superboy run from before the Reboot? It would probably have less problems with continuity! But since that isn't going to happen, I guess it's time to find out if Superboy's DNA completely unravels or not.

Unless that was somehow solved with H'el getting sent back in time?

As I open to the first page and read, "My name is Superboy. I'm a clone created by an organization called N.O.W.H.E.R.E. and designed to be a living weapon," I know Tom DeFalco has not yet completely left this title. And then I see the credits which show the Plot was by Tott Dedell!

Does Tott Dedell get two paychecks for Superboy #18? Will this comic be twice as crappy as usual? Will Tony Lee get a chance to write any speech bubbles with all the fucking Narration Boxing going on?

To be fair to Supeboy, he really is still an infant. He shouldn't have any real idea of causality at this point in his life. He should know his wants and desires and a pressing need to have those wants and desires filled. He should be mostly crying, throwing tantrums, and pooping himself right now.

Although I don't know if I should fault Superboy or Tott Dedell with "the money's just sitting around doing nothing" seeming like a decent justification for stealing a vault full of money. I do know that I can blame Tott Dedell for the stupid "a few thousand dollars" and "by 'a few' I mean 'a lot'" line! That can be a clever way of saying something. And by "clever", I mean "not clever at all". See how funny that is when you don't put any effort into it? And by "funny" I mean "not funny". Also, if you go back and edit his statement so it reads the way he means it to read, then he says, "The money's short a lot thousand dollars." How has he had time to spend so much of it? I guess Bunker is an expensive date.

The best part about this page is that Superboy is going to turn himself in for bank robbery. I hope there's mandatory jail time for the minimum sentence!

As Superboy sits on top of the returned money in the vault that I guess he used his superpowers to sneak into (and by "superpowers" I mean "bad writing"), Plasmus breaks in because he's justified that the money was just sitting around doing nothing. Plasmus's first evil act is to tell Superboy his real identity. I guess it doesn't really matter if you're stuck forever in a super hot fire dripping mass of goo. Plasmus's second evil act is to tell Superboy what he plans to do with all of his loot.

I think his plan boils down to "It takes money to make money!"

The next page makes me wish every single bit of the story was annotated so I knew whose mother's vagina to blame! The first panel is a well constructed argument on why Super Hero Dialogue must be written poorly.

Forget that you're a writer who has many hours in the day to think up good lines for your super heroes! Much easier to think up a really fucking stupid line and then justify its existence. Because it would take too long to come up with a good Plasmus punching line. But Superboy has all the time in the world to think about how unfunny he is and to drag poor Louis C.K.'s name into this mess.

The last panel isn't any better.

Technically you didn't make a joke. You THOUGHT you made a joke. And by "joke" I mean "racist comment".

Why doesn't Superboy say the Schwarzenegger accent line? Why is that just in a Narration Box? This is why I can't fucking stand the things. These writers don't even have a handle on the fucking medium they're working in. Why would he simply think that when it's a direct response to Plasmus? And I'm being charitable when I said "think" since Narration Boxes take place in a really fuzzy place in space/time. Did Superboy choose to merely think it because even he knew it was poor form to mock Plasmus's accent? Kind of the low hanging fruit of insults when you realize he has an accent because he's taken the time to learn a second fucking language. I guess Superboy could have insulted Plasmus's looks. I think I would have been okay with that.

Meanwhile Dr. Psycho is busy stealing identities while pretending to be a palm reader named Dr. Psychico. That's kind of humorous and by "humorous" I mean "full of or characterized by humor." I like that name. It sounds like a psychic Mexican boy. I was ready to give Dr. Psycho credit for being clever but apparently it's just the rich woman he's fleecing as she gets his name wrong. This is Dr. Psycho's life hiding from H.I.V.E. (the Helpful, Itinerant Villain Enclave. And by "Helpful, Itinerant Villain Enclave" I mean "the Hierarchy of International Vengeance and Extermination"). I guess H.I.V.E. feels he needs to be exterminated or vengeanced. Just the mention of H.I.V.E. fills me with dread because it probably means yet another future Superboy story tied directly to The Teen Titans and The Ravagers and even Deathstroke. Except two of those have been cancelled (I think!) so maybe it means the Ravagers and Deathstroke will end up hanging out with Superboy each month.

More probably it just means Dr. Psycho will see Plasmus fighting Superboy and believe it's all about him. Or he just thinks aliens fighting in midtown is a good opportunity for him to scavenge alien technology. So he runs against the fleeing crowds to try and get a better glimpse of the action.

At this point, even the letterer doesn't care about this fucking comic book. Maybe Dr. Psycho is using his psychic powers to make the other guy speak his lines?

Dr. Psycho witnesses Superboy "somehow" using his "telekinesis" to turn "objects into weapons." Isn't the basic telekinetic attack to use objects as weapons? I've seen the fight at the end of The Empire Strikes Back! That's Introduction to Telekinesis 101! And by "Introduction to Telekinesis 101" I mean "an old joke I've used before."

Long story short (and by "long story" I mean "Dr. Psycho"), Dr. Psycho wants Superboy's power! And he's just the guy to steal it! I guess. I'll have to read up on Dr. Psycho in my Who's Who later. I think he was a Wonder Woman villain.

Dr. Psycho inadvertently travels astrally. I hate when that happens! He's sucked into the back of Superboy's head and begins experiencing Superboy's past memories. I hope we learn something really juicy! He doesn't learn anything except that Superboy feels cut off from everybody else. Fuck. Who doesn't? Welcome to the Dollhouse, Superboy!

It doesn't take long for Dr. Psycho to get knocked out of Superboy's brain and back into his own body. But he hates his own body! It's so tiny and weak and small penisy. So he astrally dives back into Superboy and ends up in his lungs where a tiny version of Lex Luthor has been waiting for Superboy to arrive.

Why would Superboy arrive in his own lungs?

But wait! There's more! Since Tott Dedell could only fill sixteen pages with their Superboy story, they had to make up another story to fill out the issue. It begins with a crashed alien woman spouting the usual Tott Dedell nonsense about how if she fails, Earth will die. Isn't that always the case? Is that the only way Tott Dedell can build any kind of tension in his story? I'm surprised she didn't say that if she fails, the OMNIVERSE WILL DIE!

The woman sends out a distress signal on a wave that nobody on Earth can hear in the language of Interlac that nobody on Earth can speak because it isn't the 30th Century. I think Interlac has existed for a very long time, actually, but nobody on Earth knows it yet except maybe Superman since he's good friends with time traveling kids. But there is someone on Earth that can hear the communication and can quite probably understand Interlac because he's good friends with Superman!

Yay! This gives me hope for a Bat Pet back-up feature!

I have to give Scott Lobdell credit for doing a Super Pet story in The New 52, no matter how gritty he decided to make it look. I don't want modern comics to be as goofy and carefree of continuity as some of the wacky Golden and Silver Age stuff. But I still want there to be a place for ideas like Super Pets and other whimsical tales. This was only a very short scene, not really a story at all. But that's because the twenty page books are not supposed to have back-up stories! Twenty pages is already well shy of what's needed for a well-paced story. Cutting it down to sixteen is ridiculous and telling a story in four pages is just plain silly. But I liked the Krypto scene! Much better than the rest of the book. And by "much better" I mean "I'm biased toward Super Pet stories!"

Superboy #18 Rating: No change. Another issue that was decent enough but could have been told better. I think having two writers plotting and one doing dialogue doesn't help the flow of the comic. And I still maintain that most writers themselves don't really know how to narrate modern comic books anymore because of the overuse of the omniscient main character voice used in the narration.

Superboy #17

Hey Superboy. I think the genie is already out of that alien herald. The horn is blown and Oracle is on the way.

I believe the last issue of H'el on Earth was Superman #16. And in that one, the Justice League had failed to stop H'el from activating his machine. The end of the world was nigh.

But before we get to the end of the world, can someone remind me who this "Superboy" character is and where he came from?"

To be fair, it did take an extra page to get to this standard introduction.

This issue is called "Lost Cause." Let me guess! Since Superman #0 already shows Superman has traveled back to Krypton, I suppose H'el and his contraption work. The solar system is destroyed. But Superman and Supergirl go back in time and arrive on Krypton anyway. But they get there before H'el is sent into space by Jor-el. That way, Superman stops H'el from ever going into space which will stop any of this from happening. Time is restored to normal and Superman and Supergirl on Krypton fade out of existence while Earth is saved. It's just the kind of crappy bullshit time travel paradox nonsense that Tom DeFalco and Scott Lobdell would write. You know, Back to the Future was hugely entertaining but it didn't exactly portray any type of time travel that could actually work. If Marty fucked up his parents getting together which causes him to wink out of existence then he never could have gone back in time to fuck up their relationship and thus they'd still get together and he'd be born so that he could fuck up their existence and wink out of existence so that...well, you get the idea. That's nonsense. But it was still a great trilogy!

I have a feeling that if Tom DeFalco and Scott Lobdell uses that same kind of time travel logic here, it won't be anywhere near as fun and exciting.

The first few pages repeat a bunch of shit from all the other issues of H'el on Earth. Just get on with the fucking story! Stop wasting pages simply to have everyone repeat everything EVERY FUCKING ISSUE. Or in the same issue as well! As you can see from the panel above, Superboy informs everyone of H'el's plan. So now that we're all caught up on that, it probably doesn't need to be mentioned again, does it?

Oh! Good thing H'el fucking reminded me about his plans just a few pages later. I'd forgotten!

But if Supergirl is helping H'el, why didn't Kal-el help? I know you've mentioned it before six or seven times, H'el. But could you remind me what the problem was?

Fuck you, Tom DeFalco. How do you still have a job? Regurgitating the same fucking dialogue and stories again and again?

Just a sample of the same conversation from Superboy #15.

H'el ditches Supergirl to go spout Earth aphorisms at the Justice League before destroying Superboy with his Amazing Powers That Defy Explanation* (*or, at the very least, nobody is fucking willing to explain them).

The Aphorism.

The Inexplicable Powers.

Well, I guess that's it for Superboy eight pages into his comic book. Unless he somehow pulls himself together with his tactile telekinesis. Perhaps even Superboy will hitch a ride to Krypton Past.

Superman battles H'el and instead of asking Wonder Woman for help since H'el has previously kicked his ass without so much as a single bead of sweat dripping down his perfectly sculpted abs and cleanly shaved upper pubic area, he sends her to find Superboy and help him. Since H'el used his magic powers to remove Superman's suit from Superboy, Superboy's DNA is falling apart again. But guess what?! He uses his tactile telekinesis to pull himself back together so he can get back into the fight! Wonder Woman just wanders off somewhere. Wander Woman!

While Superboy is recovering, he has an encounter with The Oracle's Herald who tells him a great big stupid lie that's supposed to be exciting foreshadowing about the character of Superboy!

Oh shut up! It's like I've lost all power to rationally deconstruct all of the shittery that leaks out of DeFalco's ass. All that I'm left with is the impotent protestation that he shut up, shut up, SHUT THE HELL UP!

Since Superboy is a clone, he's obviously against nature. Therefore no omnipotent being could have predicted his creation. Therefore he has no fate or destiny and is the only creature in all of existence (besides all of the other clones!) that has free will. The basis for this "idea" is so mired in horrible philosophy and theological belief that I find it childish and laughable as a plot point. But the best part? This was simply Tom DeFalco farting in the wind! Since he doesn't plan anything, nothing will fucking come of this anyway! After the crossover, Superboy will go back to his existential crises and his dates that end in violence.

The Herald leaves Superboy and heads off to have a conversation with the mute Oracle. He discusses how Earth contains five anomalies and "any one of them could disrupt the delicate balance cosmic." Really? I've had it up to my fucking cowlick with "cosmic plans" and "saving future time lines" and "chosen ones" (who are apparently thought of as anomalies by the great cosmic monsters!) and all that other bullshit. What it all comes down to is simply lazy writing. Can't think of an intriguing and interesting story grounded in characterization and reality like the one in Batman and Robin Annual #1? Just say vague things about the end of the world or the end of all time or the end of the universe. Allow people to see the future or time travel so they know exactly what must be done. Mix in some technobabble, pseudo-religious bullshit, and a few Deus ex Machinas, and voila! A story that seems epic but is actually shallow as shit.

As Superboy pulls himself together to stop the Star Chamber, Supergirl appears and begins knocking him all over the arctic. He doesn't fight back. He just tries to convince her H'el is a big fat liar. But she won't listen to reason. But maybe she'll listen to a sexy catfight!

Sorry! Sorry! I just watched the Futurama episode where Leela and Amy become Butterfly Fighters and Fry says, "Rowwwwr! Mrrroowwwrrr!" while making cat claws about seventeen thousand times during that episode. By the way, I have a huge crush on Amy Wong.

While Wonder Woman and Supergirl's super sexy fight of wonder continues over in Supergirl #17 (hopefully for the entire thing!), Superboy picks himself up one last time and heads toward the star chamber to destroy it. Will he succeed? Well, according to Superman #0, no. Unless Supes finds another way home later.

Superboy #17 Rating: No change. While I mostly despised this issue, a lot of that stems from my own personal bias for certain types of stories that use logic and characterization to propel the action. But I have to say that from the point Superboy encountered Supergirl, I actually enjoyed the rest of the comic book. That whole scene in the last seven pages pretty much saved it for me. The dialogue between Superboy and Supergirl was actually pretty nice. I think Supergirl being under H'el's spell because she feels he loves her is a bit icky. I'd rather her single motivation was to restore Krypton and not have it be tied into some school girl crush. But Superboy actually acted like a hero here. That was fucking nice to see. And Wonder Woman coming out of nowhere to punch Supergirl through three glaciers? That's always fun. Perhaps my will was just worn out by the end of the comic book? Or perhaps DeFalco actually wrote a good scene. I think the jury is still out on which it was.