Cyborg #12

Wasn't this the cover to Issue #11?

The Review!
I'm assuming this is the last issue because it said "The End." at the end and also I'm eating cake. You've got to celebrate the little things. And the things that are a little bigger than even the little things like not having to read this comic book anymore. I'm fairly certain it's dried up my levels of serotonin. Which might also be the reason for eating all of that cake. As for the actual review of this issue, it was a structurally sound comic book where the good guy defeats the bad guys while also showing empathy, compassion, and muscles. But it suffers from poor editing, especially at the end when the world is destroyed. Or should have been destroyed. Maybe the world is saved by bad editing because the editor didn't go, "Hey, Marv? Are you sure you wrote this ending correctly? I think the world would collapse into a black hole the way you've written it." But since the editor didn't say that, the world lived! Hooray for bad editing failing to catch bad writing! Or something?

The Commentary!
Just as Cyborg's twenty-four hours in a test tube are coming to an end, STAR Labs suffers a break-in by a super couple. Their outfits are like space suits or scuba gear and their skin is pale, so I'm guessing they're somehow sick. I bet they're love sick! They're probably lovers whose super powers won't allow them to do it and so they've come to STAR Labs for a cure! Their names are probably Rome and Jules. Cyborg just got done learning a lesson about jumping to conclusions last issue so let's see if he applies it to this situation! Maybe these two aren't breaking into STAR Labs? It must be the Fourth of July weekend because nobody seems to be around to answer the door so the two just snuck in using their powers. Maybe the lesson Cyborg learned last issue was that when he suspects somebody is a villain, he'd better make damn sure they're white so he doesn't feel guilty later.

If a reader couldn't tell the two lovers were white people, they mention their names are Parker and Autumn. Autumn accidentally kills the one guard on duty so now Cyborg is really going to think they're bad guys! Because bad guys kill people! Although they are white, so he probably won't rat them out to the FBI and ruin their lives until he's sure that they killed the guard with malice, intent, and forethought. I bet Afrooz and her fiance's life is more ruined than these kids' lives will be and they killed somebody.

Sure. Give them the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe the covers of Issue #11 and Issue #12 were similar for a reason! They're supposed to make the reader think they're basically the same issue. But in one, Cyborg sees an Afghani Muslim and instantly blames her for everything that is going on and reports her to the FBI to put on their Terrorist Watch List and completely ruins her life while she's just sitting around minding her own business. But in this issue, two young white kids break into STAR Labs, kill a guard, and assault Cyborg but he still thinks he can talk them out of trouble and send them back to being good little white citizens. Why is Marv Wolfman making Cyborg the face of racist authoritarian thought?! It seems like a fishy message to me!

Because Cyborg is willing to talk to these two criminals, he learns that they've simply come to STAR Labs to steal something. But in a good way! They're dying and the something was built by their father and STAR Labs killed their mother and, hey, Cyborg, did you notice they're skin tone? I'd say they deserve the benefit of the doubt and lots and lots of second chances, wouldn't you?!

Cyborg listens to the kids' story which has something to do with how lax security is for the Red Room but I'm not concentrating very well because I kept thinking, "This brother and sister are lovers? Gross!"

Cyborg learns that the kids just want to live normal white lives where nothing sad ever happens. But instead they have a disease that's killing them which is totally not fair at all. Cyborg is all, "Yeah! I totally get that! I also have lived an unfair life full of non-fairness! I mean, I was a high school football star and my parents were rich scientists and all the cheerleaders dug me. But then I was killed and I was all, 'Oh man! This sucks! Life is the worst!' So I totally get where you're coming from and I will totally help you and not once think of turning you into the FBI because I understand that you are individuals with an individual problem and do not represent all of the evil ever."

Sarah Charles and Silas Stone burst into the room after Cyborg administered an experimental cure to Autumn. Sarah is all, "Why weren't you responding to my texts?! You should be instantly responding to my texts! I just gave you a nineteen hour hand-job and you have the nerve to not respond to my fucking texts immediately?!" And Silas is all, "Oh, and by the way, these kids murdered a guard so maybe you should think about the other side of the coin of prejudice, privilege, you dumb skunk." It's at this point that everybody panics and a fight breaks out.

During the fight, Cyborg learns a lesson.

When Cyborg says "Maybe he could've preserved more of what I was," he means his penis.

Cyborg's father's love is proved beyond a shadow of a doubt when they learn that the criminals' father's cure has actually turned them into potential human black holes.

To contain the black hole, Autumn makes an impenetrable cocoon around Parker. I might accept that Autumn could make a strong enough cocoon to contain a small black hole created inside of a human being except for one small issue: Autumn is the one turning into a black hole. So, you know, whoops! World over! Everything sucked into Autumn as she encased her brother/lover! But at least Cyborg and his father have cleared up a few Daddy Issues. Except now that his Daddy Issues don't exist, neither does this comic book! It ends because Cyborg has nothing more to work through! And that's that for Cyborg! Except for the final surprise ending twist!

Oh my god! So tense and drama-like!

Cyborg #11

Diversity at DC Comics! Present Cyborg as the angry black man who can withstand fire! Such stereotypes!

The Review!
Isn't it about time to give up on Cyborg? He's not as fascinating as DC wants me to think he is. But I guess they don't have a great history of black characters to turn into star characters. My preference would be for Black Lightning. He's got a lot more personality and as long as the colorist remembers to make his lightning bolts black, his name isn't really racist! Of course, DC wouldn't have this problem of Cyborg not being interesting enough to be a star if they just had a more diverse cast of heroes who were popular. The problem is trying to make any character as popular as Batman! It's like there's no formula for how a character gets super popular that they could follow! I mean, Batman isn't anything like Harley Quinn! And Harley Quinn isn't anything like Lobo! Except for the really white skin. But you know what? That isn't going to work here! That's about the extent of my wisdom on this subject!

The Commentary!
My friend and yours, Marv Wolfman, is finishing up the Cyborg comic book because Walker's version wasn't radical enough. Probably because DC didn't want to alienate their angry white male readers by presenting an angry black man who discovered he wasn't emasculated at all and could bang all the white women he wanted. Not that Victor was necessarily only into white women. I think his main kink is women named "Sarah". Anyway, since Marv Wolfman invented Cyborg (I think? That's the best fact checking you'll get out of me!), he must truly understand the character! Like the way he's constantly saying "Holmes!" in 2016! Has a black man ever been portrayed more earnestly? Not that any one black character could represent every black person in the world! I would never say that! Probably 80-90 percent though, right?

Normally I would look at Cyborg and think, "That's a robot!" But I guess now I look at him and think, "That's the black character DC Comics has decided will be as popular one day as Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman!" They really keep trying and he really just keeps coming off as boring. I had high hopes for the Walker run but forgot about my high hopes almost immediately when the series caused me to nod off and spill my tea. Now I really don't have high hopes about Cyborg's future if he's back in Marv Wolfman's hands!

Whew! That's enough discussion about race! I think I may have solved racism in America! I'm going to go outside and see if all of my white neighbors congratulate me!

Currently, Cyborg is being experimented on by his father. Again! While his body is down, Cyborg decides to interface with the Internet and deal with all of the world's problems at once.

Such insightful political and social commentary!

Cyborg discovers a plane's electronic systems have been hijacked and he begins trying to figure out how to get control of the plane back. He knows the flight number immediately but doesn't realize it's Sarah's plane even though the first thing he did before his body was put in stasis was check on Sarah's flight. He's not the smartest computer in the server room! Did that make sense? I probably should just assume it made sense instead of calling attention to it just in case it doesn't make sense.

Cyborg can't seem to get control of the plane and he can't contact the Justice League because they're all in space on a mission. Funny how they're constantly in space on a mission when somebody needs them and yet I never read any stories where they're in space on a mission.

Cyborg notices there's a woman from Afghanistan on the plane so obviously she's the terrorist. Uh oh! I think Victor might be about to learn a little something about prejudice!

Cyborg stopped checking the passenger list when he came to this woman, Afrooz Abad. Is he crazy?! There might be other people from Afghanistan on board who might be the real terrorist!

After Cyborg stopped checking the passenger list because he obviously found the terrorist, he checks the passenger list to discover Sarah is on the plane. Even though he should have already known she was on this plane, remember?! I wonder if Cyborg will get nicknamed World's Worstest Detective?

Cyborg begins to investigate Abad and discovers she's totally clean. Which only makes him more suspicious! She must be the culprit!

Sarah begins acting even more strangely than Abad but nobody has security wrestle her to the ground because she's speaking English and isn't wearing a hijab. Unless it's called something else because remember that thing I said earlier about my fact checking! Sarah rigs up the entertainment system to distract everybody on board with Facebook. I'm surprised they're calling it Facebook in a DC comic book. Isn't the DC Universe filled with bad clones of real products?

Along with the plane catastrophe, Victor notices a bunch of warehouse fires around the world with similar modus operandi. Modi operandi? I really should see if I can rehire Pickle Boy to do the fact checking around here! Anyway, the warehouses that are all burning seem to be run by criminal syndicates. So it's a good thing! Except for the workers trapped in the warehouses and about to die because they don't know how to open an exit door.

This is a bad thing! Unless they're complicit in the crimes happening in these warehouses. Then it's a grey thing!

Cyborg alerts the authorities so they know that there will be burned bodies in the ashes of the burned down buildings. I assume that's why he alerts them since he already knows help is on the way but they're stuck due to the traffic lights all being down and chaos ensuing in the streets. Does he think the authorities will somehow get around that chaos because he told them people were trapped in the burning buildings? Maybe he should fix the traffic lights while he's doing everything else.

Cyborg realizes that everything happening isn't a terror threat but a gangland protection racket thing. I guess it's only terrorism if the wrong people use violence and destruction against the white people. I mean right people. But the plane is still having trouble for some interrelated reason, so Cyborg turns his attention to saving Dr. Charles. Plus the other people.

I wonder if by the end of this story, Cyborg is going to apologize to Afrooz and her fiance for getting them on the FBI's Terror Watch List?

So Cyborg's powers are sufficiently technological as to be magic now. Awesome.

Cyborg discovers that the real bad guys are Dark Net people. Ooh! The Dark Net! Now there's a good bogeyman for Cyborg to constantly battle! Although it might not be good material for a comic book since ninety percent of the time, he'll probably be busting child porn rings.

Cyborg makes sure to feel really badly about his prejudice. Lesson learned! That lesson was that black people can be racist too, right? Is that what Marv was saying?

And finally, 19 hour handy time!

Cyborg #10

Fuck! Wolfman is now writing this book? I'm sorry I ever criticized David Walker's writing!

The Review!
I'm not completely sure if I used to like Wolfman's writing and now hate it, or I'm still pissed at him for promising that I'd have an Elfquest movie fifteen years ago and nothing! Fucking dick.

This issue ends the Technosapien story arc once and for all. Hooray! But it does it in almost as boring a way as the previous issues. The action was terrible and Marv Wolfman's entire concept of Victor Stone's character is making him say "Holmes" a lot. But the stuff with his holographic mother being a plant by the technosapiens, and the dialogue the Stone family shared, weren't awful. So a couple of kind of highlights in this issue but overall, this entire Cyborg series has been a big pass for me. Except I didn't pass any of it! I'm a fucking sucker!

Cyborg #8

It annoys me when a comic book company green lights a cover of a comic book that could have been drawn by me.

Rating: Probably -1 Ranking even though I haven't opened the cover yet. I have feelings about this book. Rather, I have nearly no feelings about it and will probably be thoroughly bored while reading it.

Remember when a man stalked and killed a young man named Trayvon Martin and we all decided that we were fine with people believing the man was within his rights and should be allowed to go free while we, angry and upset, did nothing more than write comments like this online and pretend like we were fed up with it even though we've continually just did nothing more than be angry since then? Apparently this incident happened exactly four years ago today even though I only discovered that when I consulted Lord Google to make sure I was spelling Trayvon's name correctly because that would be embarrassing if I got that wrong and there's nothing worse in America than being embarrassed on the internet. I guess my body has an internal rage alarm clock. Good thing something is acknowledging the rage since I'm too busy reading comic books to try and make the world a better place.

Cyborg and Captain Marvel (Fuck calling Billy "Shazam" when he's got his Man Pants on) beat up on a guy named Zookeeper who would be lucky to wind up dying on the Suicide Squad. The jokes they make at his expense continue the same tired trend of this comic book where Cyborg believes he's wittier than he really is. He keeps saying he's a genius and that might be true in that he can do a really complicated math problem or build a super computer that turns farts into fuel. But he's terrible at cracking wise at other people's expense.

His father Silas Stone must be the same kind of genius because he rebuilt his son out of alien technology and yet at breakfast he asks his son to pass the syrup while he's holding the syrup bottle.

This is why dumb people think smart people are so dumb! Because not smart people write smart characters but can't write them in a way that's smart because the writer isn't smart enough to write a convincing smart person! Also dumb people always invent all sorts of caveats to what "smart" actually means. So if they don't know anything and are completely ignorant of even the smallest scientific facts (like, you know, an American), they claim that at least they have common sense and street smarts unlike smart people who are sooooooo stupid when it comes to doing everything that isn't answering questions on Jeopardy. Or what about those insecure people who have to label a bunch of different ways for a person to be smart so they can find a category to fit into? "Well, I'm smart at organizing books on shelves! Genius at it, even! Oops, I shat myself!"

The worst thing about being the smartest person on the internet is that nobody believes me!

It's not even a good joke since half the creatures are reptiles or amphibians!

The narrative of the story keeps jumping back in time so after Cyborg makes that hilarious joke about the situation being hairy, the scene jumps back to 59 days previous to an "undisclosed location." Why would nobody disclose the location to the omniscient narrator? You'd think at least the narrator would know where every scene was taking place. This just feels like lazy editing! The editor has decided they don't want to take a stand and declare some new organization's location in the DC Youniverse. Which totally makes sense since nobody even knows what state Gotham is in.

The secret facility is where Cyborg's real enemies are gathered. They're congressmen and lawmakers who want to pass laws limiting people's access to cybernetics because a black man owns some. It's not the cybernetics that make them feel unsafe. It's the fact that a black man owns more than they do! So time to pass a law declaring them illegal! At least for certain people. You know what certain people I mean.

Let me translate this for the dumb people who accidentally stumbled upon my blog and haven't been offended enough to stop reading yet! "Technology that only a few elite people understand" means "science and math is hard to understand and the people who understand it are assholes who think they're so much better than me because I can't even figure out which way to put a Pop Tart into the toaster." "Unregulated forays into dangerous territories" means "facts that are demonstrably true but which I can't understand because I just learned that Kit Kats shouldn't be shoved up my anus." Things which "can be easily compromised and turned against humanity" means "minorities can use them against us!"

The guy with the eyepatch (an indicator of bad guyness unless his name is Snake Plissken and then he's a double bad guy bluff good guy. Maybe it depends which eye the eyepatch is on) doesn't understand what Senator Champlin is saying so he says Senator Champlin isn't saying anything. That's a total dumb guy tactic! You know how when a really smart person zings a dumb guy, the dumb guy thinks he'll really get one over on the smart guy by pretending not to understand the zinger which only makes the dumb guy look dumber but he's too dumb to realize it so he keeps using that tactic.

Oh Billy. That's the joke Cyborg was making. You didn't make the joke you just made it less subtle. Not that it was subtle in the first place. And since that's the case, Cyborg is complimenting his own joke.

I'm glad David Walker constantly has other characters pointing out that somebody is making a joke or saying something funny or I would have missed every fucking joke since this comic book began. So far in this issue alone (I can't remember how often he did it in the other issues but I've pointed it out before), there's been the one I just scanned, the time Captain Marvel repeated one of Cyborg's jokes and said it was hilarious, Zookeeper screaming that he's not a joke, Cyborg's dad pointing out Cyborg's ability to keep telling jokes in the face of disaster, and the Zookeeper screaming at Cyborg to stop making jokes. I'd complain that David Walker doesn't need to keep reminding us when things are funny but since none of these moments have actually been funny, he'd better keep it up before I take this thing too seriously.

Your penis, right? You're going to show him your penis! Let me know now if I should laugh at it!

The issue ends with the government's goons going after Cyborg because he didn't properly register his cybernetics with them. Fucking government! Always trying to take away the black man's teeth! Like in that Rudolph Christmas special where Santa defangs the Abominable Snowman and puts him in chains. Bumble, my ass. I know what Cornelius really means when he calls it a Bumble. You can't snow me with your "white truths", you fucking Snowman!

Cyborg #9 Rating: No change. I know I put the rating at the beginning and pre-rated the comic book but that was because I didn't realize this was going to turn into an actual commentary. It was less boring than previous issues of Cyborg although David Walker seriously needs to put a cap on how many times somebody points out that something was a joke. It takes up about 25 percent of the dialogue in this thing!

Cyborg #5

This is demoralizing. I'm not even through the Looney Tunes variants yet!

This must be the last Looney Tunes variant though because Cyborg has been running about a month late. Although I've got another Cyborg in the stack so it really feels like DC has been pushing to all of their titles back on schedule by the end of this month. That's probably why there were two Justice Leagues of America and two Justice Leagues and a couple of Batman Europas and about fifteen DC Bombshells. I'm about two weeks behind before I can get back on a timely schedule where I'm writing about comic books that have just come out. Although, let's face it. Nobody cares about comic books that have just come out. They only care about comic books that are three to six months from coming out. I really should just do reviews of the solicits.

If I remember last issue correctly--and I believe I am remembering it correctly because I'm currently bored--the Technosapiens had invaded Earth and Cyborg, along with the Metal Men, were Earth's last line of defense. Hopefully something exciting will take place this issue or I'm going to have to revive my Old Trivia That's Probably Totally Wrong Now!

The first few pages aren't helping change my mind about how boring this comic book is. Cyborg gets his leg chopped off by Alternate Universe Sarah Charles (unless it was bitten off by the monster that was eating him. But Cyborg blames Sarah so I'm going to go with that rather than what was in the art) and then she teleports him away from Earth. That means it's now up to the Metal Men to stop thinking about the many ways they might convince Superman to fuck them all and to start saving the Earth. Instead they choose to run because they're incompetent.

Really? Really really real?

Over in Alternate Universe Detroit, Cyborg regenerates his leg while say a bunch of stuff I don't understand. But I'm totally impressed by it because I don't understand it so it must be super scientific and totally explains how Cyborg can now regenerate his body. He can also transform it from flesh to metal. So he doesn't actually need to look like a Cyborg anymore, does he? Although his look is currently the most interesting thing about this comic book so it would be a mistake if he decided to look human.

Do not read anything in the following scan if you are operating heavy machinery.

I'm so fucking bored!

Cyborg tries to lighten the mood by throwing in the occasional joke but then he says "Who's joking?" and I scream "No kidding!"

Cyborg throws in a bit of social commentary too but I was yawning too much to care. And then the comic book goes for the kill! It's like it knows that what little interest I had when I began reading this comic book is quickly flagging, so it decides to mesmerize me with some serious repetition.

I should have followed this guy's advice.

Do I have to explain that the KERTHUNK was the Metal Men saving these guys? It's not like that was a twist of Hitchockian proportions. Besides, they seem to be the only heroes left in the DC You. It's also possible that this alien invasion has only affected Detroit which is why the rest of the world hasn't noticed. That's totally believable.

Back on Alternate Universe Earth, Real Sarah Charles pulls Vic aside to tell him a secret. I think she was going to tell him that she's pregnant so that a little drama could be injected into this buzzkill. But instead she points out that she can hear his heartbeat. Which--I'm guessing!--she couldn't hear before. Previous to his discovery that he had regenerative powers, all she could hear was the hum of his disk drive spinning.

As I mentioned in previous commentaries, the romantic relationship between Sarah and Vic really should be front and center. Instead Larry Walker has chosen to highlight yet another alien invasion. I think that alien invasion would be more interesting if it took place as Vic was desperately trying to get laid. Seriously, the first thing you'd figure he'd want to do after regrowing his penis is make use of its secondary function! Unless doing it is its primary function and peeing is the secondary function.

No kidding no kidding no kidding!

I wonder when it will be time for jokes?

Not now! Now is the time to quote an overrated line from They Live!

Cyborg and his new gang of Alternate Universe Misfits teleport back to Earth-You to battle the Techno-Sapiens once and for all. I'm guessing it's the final battle because it's leading into the sixth issue and that's the general length for stretching out stories that probably could have been told in two issues.

Cyborg #5 Rating: -1 Ranking. Was I too subtle in my efforts to describe this comic book as boring? It would be a shame if you walked away thinking you should pick up this comic book. I mean, if you've got insomnia and nothing you've tried has worked, I'd recommend giving this book a try. My life is no better or worse from having read this comic book. I might even be more refreshed because I'm certain I just had a dozen micro-naps during this read. Usually when a comic has built up more than one issue in my "To Read" stack, I'd just get them all out of the way at once. But I'm legitimately concerned that if I read Cyborg #6 right now, I could pass out and bang my head on the corner of my desk.

Infinity Man and the Forever People #8

I fixed this cover so that it went the appropriate number of issues.

I have a feeling that whatever happens in this comic book isn't going to matter to anybody. Or it's going to be the single issue that ties Futures End to the DC Universe's present. Or it's just going to be twenty pages stuck together by Dan Didio's cum. Oh man, I hope it's not that last one.

The issue begins with Beautiful Dreamer having a bad dream the way she always has bad dreams. Last night, I dreamt that I completed a ritual that destroyed a Great Old One. I'm just going to assume that I dream future events and just start calling myself a hero due to my future heroic actions.

Beautiful Dreamer just had a dream where she saw Mark Moonrider die. Apparently she doesn't want this to happen even though she had that dream where he was going to betray them all. Serafina walks in just in time to hear that Beautiful Dreamer just had a vision of Mark and she was all, "Um, where did the vision start? I wasn't kissing him or anything, right? I mean, of course I wasn't! And if you saw his dick in my mouth, that was just a normal dream and not a vision at all and I wouldn't worry about it or anything."

Six pages into the comic book and everything about it is lackluster. The art is flat and boring. The characters are flat and boring. The dialogue is flat and boring. The whole thing reads like I only know two ways to describe everything: flat and boring! But it's not my fault! I assure you, it is Infinity Man and the Forever People #8!

I think everybody working on this book just got incredibly bored with it and since they knew it was ending anyway, they just didn't care. Maybe Mark Moonrider will die since nobody fucking cares.

See? This guy totally doesn't fucking care.

The Forever People arrive just in time to see Mark Moonrider killed. Or nearly killed. I bet if they all touch their Mother Box and scream, "Yarhooey!", they can save him! Then Infinity Man will appear for some reason that doesn't make any sense and doesn't really matter.

Can anybody explain why this comic book exists? It's incomprehensible and not entertaining. When will Didio just leave Jack Kirby's works alone? I think he just likes fucking up Kirby's characters (not that they weren't pretty fucked up already. But now they're fucked up in a more modern way). Why else would he allow Ann Nocenti to write Klarion? That's some spiteful, venomous bullshit right there.

Anyway, a boring fight takes place between the Forever People and the Femmes Fatales. I suppose if I put much effort into it, I could figure out which characters are on which side but I don't fucking care. A bald woman stabs a woman all in yellow in the kidneys as she chokes a purple haired woman and another woman in a hat shoots lasers out of her fingers. One side will probably defeat the other side soon. Yay.

This cute little tush was a bright spot during the battle.

Beautiful Dreamer brings Mark Moonrider back to life by leaking the Anti-Life Equation out of her eyeballs. If you were wondering what the Anti-Life Equation was, it's finally been revealed: N=Y where Y equals hope and N equals folly. That's it? Really? Hope and Folly are equal at all times is the Anti-Life Equation? There were some other parts to the equation like love and lies being equal, and life and death being equal, and self and dark side being equal. That last one really seems weird. Plus there was a long string where loneliness added to alienation added to fear and added to despair and then added to self-worth were then divided by mockery divided by condemnation divided by misunderstanding after it had been multiplied by guilt and shame and failure and judgment. Do you feel cheated by this Anti-Life Equation revelation or do you feel like that was some pretty profound bullshit?

Beautiful Dreamer then sends the Femmes Fatales off into space with Lashina and Granny Goodness. Mark Moonrider begins leaking Anti-Life Equation out of his eyes while he sleeps. And Infinity Man appears to Big Bear to let him know that there will be another issue. I guess I'd better stop assuming that all of these comics are ending this month! I can't believe I still have to read one more of these things. At least it's the origin of Infinity Man so maybe it will explain what the fuck is going on just in time for me to not need the information anymore.

Infinity Man and the Forever People #8 Rating: -1 Ranking. Nobody working on this comic book cares anymore so why should I? Not that I ever cared about it anyway. Do writers know that when they're writing about characters that nobody really cares about that they have to establish some means to make the readers care? If this book were about Batman and the Batfamily, at least readers would be emotionally attached to the characters and might respond to the mediocre story taking place. But since these characters are throwaway old school Jack Kirby characters, nobody gives a shit if Mark Moonrider dies or if he betrays Beautiful Dreamer or if Vykin keeps the "black" in front of his name. I think Didio just needs to hang up his typewriter and just concentrate on putting his foot in his mouth during press conferences and interviews.

Infinity Man and the Forever People #7

It's February. Enough with the happy new years already.

I have the original script of Infinity Man and the Forever People #7 in my hands! I think it would have been more successful if they hadn't made any changes to the script but then that's why I don't run a comic book publishing business, I guess. Let's compare the original script to what made it to the shelves, shall we?

Page One.

The original script:

PAGE ONE: Mark Moonrider sits unhappily in a location where he ought to seem happy, perhaps a strip club with a woman straddling him and rubbing her breasts in his face? He wears a stupid hat to indicate that it is the eve of the new year.

Narration Box: Why did I come here in loose fitting clothes? How am I going to stand up? Worse yet, what if I blow New Genesis seed all over the inside of my super trousers?
Narration Box: It's so hard being a white man god. Nobody understands the angst created by not having any problems projected onto me by society, leaving me the time and luxury to become introspective and think about nothing but my own existence. So much angst! So much brooding!
Narration Box: Man tears!

Page Two.

PAGE TWO: Nine panels showing the back of Mark Moonrider as Serafina enters from the VIP Lounge, completely sopping wet. She sits by him and they talk in the last three panels:

P.7
Mark: Serafina.
Serafina: Mark.

P.8
Mark: Funny meeting you here.
Serafina: Yeah. Funny.

P.9
Mark: Want to talk about it? Why are your clothes soaking wet? How much did it cost? Please want to talk about it.

PAGE THREE: Serafina, still dripping in mystery fluids, tells her story to Mark Moonrider. The story continues in flashbacks with Serafina narrating. [NOTE: Remember to use white text in a lavender box for Serafina's Narration Boxes to increase reader eye strain]

Narration Box: Even though this whole New Gods Graduation Class Trip to Earth Mission makes no sense, I still try to take it seriously because I'm a black woman god in a white male god world and I have to fight for every ounce of respect I can get. I save the world and it's, "Holy shit! We can't believe Serafina, with Mark Moonrider's help, saved the world. To say she fulfilled the least of our expectations would be a lie because we actually had no expectations for her!" You save the world and it's all, "Mark Moonrider does it again! Masterful! Amazing! Truly epic! And he practically did it all by himself with minimal help from his POC and female sidekicks!"
Narration Box: So we just had that mission where we battled Mantis that we failed but I think Infinity Man succeeded because of course our group, being over half female and POC, need to call on a white male god (who is, let's face it, probably cishet) to solve all of our problems. So gross.

Narration Box: Anyway, then we couldn't fucking figure out how to get home because "maps are confusing, tee hee!" And we had to get directions from a cow.
Narration Box: Then we destroyed our entire neighborhood by battling a bunch of Green Lanterns because even though we don't agree with what New God Patriarchy is up to, we still get blamed for their actions by outsiders to New Genesis.
Narration Box: It's fucking bullshit, man.
Narration Box: So anyway, I decided to do what I could to help this world without asking any of you munchholes. So I see this guy that's being bullied and I think, "Hey! I can help this one person and make the world a better place." So I enhance the hell out of the fucker with New God technology, right?
Narration Box: Only to find out later he's a borderline sociopath with a history of violence. Of course he was! He was a white male! I should have just left him to deal with his pathetic white guy versus white guy problems himself. Last fucking time I get involved, I tell you what.

Penultimate Panel: Serafina opens the door to Doctor Skuba's apartment and is knocked down by a wave of water.
Last Panel: POV from between Doctor Skuba's legs as Serafina, on her ass, looks up into his crotch and asks, "Dr. Skuba?"

PAGE FOUR: Doctor Skuba and Serafina talk outside of his apartment.

P.1.
Skuba: Hello, woman who also cared about water!
Serafina: Oh shit. You got that Darkseid look about you now.

P.2
Skuba: I've been talking to water lately! I have so much in common with it. It's all, "We oppress fish!" And I'm all, "I oppress those that don't look or act like me!" And it's all, "Cool!" And I'm all, "I know!"

P.3: As Skuba and Serafina talk, two men encased in water float nearby.
Skuba: The water wanted me to punish those guys who peed in it, so now I've encapsulated them in their own pee water!

P.4:
Skuba: Justice for all water and mankind who thinks and acts similarly to the way I do!

PAGE FIVE

P.1
Serafina laughing loudly: Ha ha! Good one! But, um, no.

P.2
Skuba: Have you ever peed in the pool, missy?!

P.3
Serafina: Of course not! [Is a Narration Box needed here to indicate she's lying or should we assume the reader knows she's lying since everybody has peed in a pool at least once in their lives? Maybe just let Skuba's reaction reveal the falsehood]

P.4
Skuba: No. You're just like them! No regard for the water!

P.5
Serafina: But you use toilets, right? That's water! You also defile the....
Skuba: Enough! The water has spoken! Everybody drowns!

Page Six.

PAGE SIX: Literal Splash Page. Ha ha! Doctor Skuba stands as a wave crashes down on Serafina and nearby pedestrians, flooding the apartment complex and the streets nearby.

Narration Box: I was all, "Oof!" and "Urgh!" and "Ack!" Then I thought about YouTube which is weird because I don't think anything called "YouTube" exists in the DC Universe. Isn't it called MeCardboardLightsaber or something stupidly tongue-in-cheek?

PAGE SEVEN: Doctor Skuba and Serafina tussle in the flooded neighborhood while all the stray cats drown.

P.1
Skuba: Water covers like 33% of the world's surface and I plan on claiming the other 65%! [Check facts and math on that before printing]
Serafina: Just like a fucking white male. Thinking you have to be the champion of the underrepresented! Have you asked the water what it wants? Do you think it really wants to be brought up on land where it's going to flood the sewer system and become more polluted than from just some drunk asshole throwing a piss balloon in a pool?

P.2
Skuba: Do not try to censor me, you dumb cunt! I have the right to say what I think the underrepresented really want without you telling me what you really want!
Serafina: Gross! Shut up! Give me back my enhancement! I'm sorry I ever felt sorry for you!

P.3
Skuba: You don't know everything I've done for the water! You don't know me! I've championed the water since whenever!
Serafina: Have another fucking cookie then, assmite.

P.4
Skuba: And now you drown!

PAGE EIGHT

P.1: Doctor Skuba creates a bubble of air around himself as he tries to drown Serafina.
Skuba: I cannot breathe water yet but soon! Soon I will wear all of water's accoutrements! I will speak in water slang! I will sport a waterfro! I will listen to gently roaring sounds of every ocean and when I ask The Indian Ocean if it's ever heard the sound of the Pacific Ocean and it says, "Why, no." I'll say, "Ha! I'm more water than you!"

P.2-4: As Doctor Skuba loses himself in his Evil Villain Monologue, Serafina pounces on him and pulls the enhancement from his back.
Serafina: Appropriate much!
Skuba: No! NO! That's mine now!
Serafina: It was never yours!

P.5: Serafina far out at sea as Doctor Skuba sinks beneath the waves.
Narration Box: And then I headed home without asking the water for kudos because I'm just trying to help out where I can, you know?

PAGE NINE: Serafina ends her story, scene shifts back to the present, Moonrider begins the story of his day. It begins in a hotel room with the other Forever People sitting around listening to Big Bear.

Last Panel
Big Bear: Based on the New God's studies of human behavior, as well as some extra information given to us by a cow, a dog, and three turkeys, these are the things we should do on New Years Eve to fit in: Wear a tiny hat. Explode tiny guns filled with paper. Blow on miniature and out of tune horns. Fuck wantonly. Imbibe dangerously of alcoholic brews. Scream and shout a lot to indicate we are enjoying ourselves and are not at all simply lost and lonely and trying to pretend we are happy amongst dozens of other people pretending in like manner.

Page Ten.

PAGE TEN: Panels with the Forever People reacting to Big Bear's revelations of what to do on New Year's. Make them up as you see fit.

PAGE ELEVEN: Keith, you're a pretty good writer. Just do whatever you want for Mark Moonrider's story. I have a fucking publishing company to run.

Page Eleven is just filled with doodles of naked Batwoman and naked Maggie Sawyer with Didio standing between them masturbating and cackling evilly.

At this point, the script changes noticeably in that before it was typed and organized while now it is scribbled and stained with wine, tears, and enchilada sauce.

PAGE WHATEVER: Fuck you, Dan Didio. I have a life. I have experience. I have tenure! Fucking only giving me half-pay on a book I write most of the jokes for! I'll show him. He loves his Jack Kirby creations so Goddamned much.

A Panel
Big Bear: "I'm a fucking New God but I'm so stupid that I don't understand the rotation of the planets or the way most alien cultures divide their planet's orbit around the sun into seasons and years!"
Some Other Forever Person. Whichever. They're All The Same: "Can we not just say the mystic chant of 'Happy New Year' and make the new year come already? DER!"

Another Panel
Black Vykin: "Duh! My chronothing says it's almost midnight and I don't feel weird at all!"
Big Bear: "Only proves my theory that we New Gods are bad ass motherfuckers! Yeah!"

Yet Another Panel
Black Bear: "More stupid bullshit because I'm the leader of the Earth Summer Reading Program but I know nothing! Brrrt!"

Final Panel Maybe
Black Bear: "Happy New Year, whatever that is!"

PAGE WHO CARES?

A Panel: Black Vykin sees kissing on the television.
Black Vykin: "Ho diddly doo! Now that's a new yar! Come here, whichever one of you I'm in a relationship with!"

Another Panel: Black Vykin and that other Forever Person kiss.
Mark Moonripper: "Get a room!"
Beauteous Dreamer: "This is a room! Oh! Kissing seems like a good time. Look at my bosoms and feel the heat of my crotchy area!"
Mark Moonriper: "I'm impotent! Or gay! Or a traitor! So I can't kiss you! Goodbye!"

Another Panel: Mark Moonracer runs from the room.

PAGE PAGEY: Back to Mark and Serafina sitting in the strip club.

A Panel
Serafina: "Wait. You're gay?"

Another Panel
Mark: "If by gay you mean I can't get it up for Dreamer due to amazing amounts of pressure and constantly thinking about how many other men she's been with and totally feeling oppressed by a changing society that's trying to castrate the white man and getting little sleep having to answer emails on the Meninist site I run, then yes. I mean, no, I'm not but it's that other stuff that has caused the stiff to vacate my stiffy."

Another Panel: Mark crying tons and tons of mantears as strippers pass by with disgusted looks on their faces.
Mark: Why is the world so hard for a white male cishet god!?

Another Panel
Serafina: "Oh, shut up. You're lucky you're hot and I'm horny and this comic book needs a little drama, so open up that mouth and take my vagina, you clod!"

PAGE NEARING THE END I HOPE: Fuck you, DidioOOOOOOOOOOOO!

A Panel
Serafina: "Let's promise to fuck later! I'm going back to the party to drop hints about us to Dreamer and watch her squirm!"

Another Panel: A mysterious woman approaches Mark from behind.
Mystery Woman: "Nice boner."
Mark: "It works! I'm in love!"

MORE PAGES UGH!

Some Panels: The Mysterious Stranger turns out to be that woman that lived near Big Bear's New Gods Complex Apartment or whatever. Leilani or something.
Leilani: "Let's fuck."
Mark: "What? NO! This boner is not for you!"
Leilani: "Why not? Prude."
Mark: "Slut!"
Leilani: "You will die by my father's hands and your bones shall be strewn amongst the wreckage of this planet!"
Mark: "Wait. What? Do I know you?"

Last Panel: Leilani skates off masturbating furiously.

Page Sixteen.

The last four pages of script are a printed out group text to penciller Daniel HDR from Didio and Giffen.

Didio: Goddamn it, Giffen! You were supposed to introduce the Lord Aagog plot hinted at from Futures End!
Giffen: Fack oo. I've drunk.
Didio: Daniel, make sure Mark doesn't let Leilani skate away. And she isn't fucking masturbating! Don't you dare try to sneak in some cute FAP sound effect or something!
Giffen: FAP FAP FAPPITY FAP FAP
Didio: If Julius Schwartz hadn't put that clause in your contract that forces DC to give you work until you die, I would so fucking fire you, Giffen!
Giffen: FAP FAP FAPPITY FAPPITY FOO!
Didio: Dan, make sure Mark explicates who Lord Aagog is and how he leads the cult of Yuga Khan who is Darkseid's father! You got that?
HDR: My last name is weird!
Giffen: Fiffee dollars unt no more, kay? hurry up boner failsing
Didio: Wrong text window, Giffen.
Giffen: WHoopsees!
Didio: Go ahead and just finish out the last few pages with a battle between Marc and Leilani, Thumpa, Killsandra, and Enchanthrax. Better known as The Femmes Fatales! I'm going to bed.
Giffen: Wait. wait wait wait wait wiait.
Didio: What?
Giffen: I love you! Bwa ha ha ha!

Infinity Man and the Forever People #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book was awesome! And then it was changed and printed differently. Whatever.

Infinity Man and the Forever People #6

Doesn't the title of this comic book make it sound like it should be more profound?

Friends Update!

Is this a Godhead tie-in because after the disaster on New Genesis, the Forever People Summer Exchange Program will be canceled? That's too bad because the Forever People have a lot more to learn from human beings. Like how to never give up! Or how to love unconditionally! Or how to always make the third thing in a list a joke! Humans! So predictable! And, um, special! Like nothing else in the universe!

By this point, I think most of DC's readers agree with you, Guy.

B'dg, Xbox One, Grill Face, and Guy Gardner just watch as the Forever People touch their Mother Box and scream, "Taaru!" What else can they do? I don't believe there is an intergalactic law against touching your Mother Box. There probably should be. But until then, the Green Lanterns know better than to shoot first and allow the Grand Jury not to indict later.

I think if I were more with it, as the kids say, this is where I'd make some kind of a Grindr joke.

Apparently Infinity Man isn't some kind of cosmic super hero but a cosmic therapist. He begins psychoanalyzing Guy Gardner which is probably the one thing above all other things you should do if you want to piss off Guy Gardner. Also all those other things would still probably piss off Guy Gardner. He is wearing a Red Ring for a reason.

B'dg, Xbox One, and Grill Face do a thing I've never seen Green Lanterns do although I've seen every character in every fucking cartoon in the eighties do it (and at least one in the seventies!): they join together to create a giant robot. They decide to make this one look like Darkseid which is probably something I didn't have to type since I already scanned the cover. Infinity Man just grows in size to match the construct, and Guy Gardner flies up into the construct's head to help pilot the thing. Mostly he wants to pilot the construct's fists and he wants to navigate them into Infinity Man's face.

Also, just so everybody remembers that I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, I made the fist comment before turning the page to the double splash page of Guy making the construct punch Infinity Man. Sure, y'all expected that would happen. What else is going to happen with Guy at the helm (I mean other than Infinity Man knocking him out in one punch)? But I just needed everybody to know that I said that it would happen and it happened exactly like I said it would happen. None of you said it would happen that way! You were all just thinking, "How could I have guessed that was going to happen when I'm smart enough not to bother even reading Infinity Man and the Forever People?"

Ugh! My Xbox One does this all the time when I'm trying to join a game with my friends! Stupid Xbox One! Do what you were designed to do and stop acting shocked that I'm asking you to do something you were designed to do!

During the brawl, King Faraday gets knocked unconscious. Is this a Futures End tie-in as well? Maybe it's not King Faraday. Maybe it's just some other pimp.

Of course it's King Faraday. Dan Didio desperately needs all of DC's stories to be somehow interconnected.

After Infinity Man does whatever he does to King Faraday (probably X-Rated), the Forever People chat over some coffee. It seems when they merge, they all get to share thoughts with each other and with Infinity Man. So they know what they have to do if they're ever going to be free of Infinity Man: kill Highfather!

Well, sure, but then you'll have to kill Darkseid too, right? Infinity Man doesn't like anybody with free will! He thinks we should all just lie down and succumb to the universe's will! He's an idiot, that guy.

Infinity Man and the Forever People #6 Rating: No change. While this was probably a pretty decent issue because it was mostly a Green Lantern issue starring Guy Gardner, it still wasn't compelling enough for me to recommend it to anybody. Ever.

FRIENDS UPDATE: Season One, Episode Four
This episode follows two of the friends as their pasts come back to haunt them: Rachel and Ross. Rachel is visited by some of her rich friends early in the episode which makes her realize that the life she has found herself living is actually a scary, indeterminate place. Her sudden revelation that she had lost the safety of her rich parents' upper class bubble slaps her across the face like a road weary lot lizard stiffed one time too many. It's her first inkling of the existential despair that infuses so much of the twenty-something lifestyle. It's not surprising that the entire scene is punctuated by the joyful screams of her friends as they learn about each one of their seeming successes in life. Rachel is also screaming internally as each of her friends' successes punctuates the sudden chasm of adulthood she hadn't quite noticed looming beneath her. A few times during this episode, credit card companies call to check in on her, just to remind her how lost she's become, and how far afield she's roamed away from security. While spending the night with her friends, instead of them making her feel better, she drags them down into the fear of the future with her. Phoebe describes Rachel as Jack of "Jack and the Beanstalk" at one point, and it's an adept analogy. Rachel has lost her cow, a symbol of stability and sustenance, and found herself with only a few scattered beans which she hopes are magic. The beans are her friends, of course.

The other half of the episode sees Joey and Chandler taking Ross with them to a hockey game to try to cheer him up. But he remains, as ever, a literal sack of potatoes. Ross's past has come back to haunt him as the day is the anniversary of the day he lost his virginity to the woman that would later become his lesbian wife. Ross is still mired in the past. He cannot get past his failed attempt at adulthood. While the others are happy to live in denial of adulthood and responsibility rushing headlong toward them, Ross cannot ignore it for he tried to live it immediately out of high school. This is probably why he is never any fun to be around and brings every scene to a grinding halt as the viewer thinks, "Why did somebody put a sweater on that literal sack of potatoes?" The revelation that Ross has only slept with one woman in the last seven years exposes something about his character that was not so readily apparent in earlier episodes: he is the male counterpart to Rachel's character. He is also a Newborn Babe to the group. He has been in stasis for seven years and is just entering the limbo of his twenties, just as Rachel is just now joining the limbo of her twenties having lost the safety net of wealth and class.

This episode constitutes a shedding of the skin of Rachel and Ross. They are learning to leave behind the warmth and safety of their previous lives, leaving them in the cold, brutal, emotionally draining real world. But now they have hope for something better even if seeking it out can be scary and risky. And they have their more experienced friends to help guide them by taking them to sporting events and getting them drunk at home as they peep through neighbors' windows.

The funniest moment in this episode is when Ross is struck in the nose by a hockey puck. It is a stark and sudden reminder that they are all lost in an uncaring and completely random universe. Hilarious.