Stormwatch #28

Have you ever opened your eyes in the still darkness, groggy from sleep, still enmeshed in a hazy dreamworld quickly fading from memory, struggling with your identity and hoping against all hope that it's not actually the one currently coalescing in your mind? This cover gives me that feeling.

In your life, you have done things that you would not tell your most intimate of confidants. These are secrets that warp your public persona. They are pieces of the essential you that nobody ever gets to see and, often, which you try to deny yourself. And yet without knowing these hidden and secret pieces, nobody can ever know the true you. You might believe that nobody needs to know some of these things you've done because that isn't you anymore. You've changed. You know better now. But these dark secrets still haunt you. You realize you are less than everybody else because you ignore the simple truth that they all have dark secrets themselves, different yet essentially the same. Shameful. Disgusting. Horrific. But it is the truth and we hide it and we live lies because you can't imagine anybody ever looking you in the eye after learning of the things, perhaps simply the one thing, you've done. You view them as mistakes but they are not mistakes. They were choices. And they have formed the essential you whether or not you care to incorporate them into your public version, The You Lite, that you present to others.

But some people do not get the luxury of hiding their most shameful moments in the fog of the past. Some people, like Jim Starlin, have exposed the weeping innards of their soul in the current run of Stormwatch and I cannot tear my eyes away. It is as if I walked in to a nursery to view the beautiful sleeping child at rest in its crib only to find Jim Starlin squatting over its tender form to touch his penis to its lips. I do not mean this in a sexual way, mind you. It is an analogy only in presenting a situation that would bring extreme discomfort between the person involved in the situation and the viewer of said situation. To be caught in the grip of a compulsion that cannot be helped and cannot be stopped by one's own logic or willpower. And to be caught in the acting out of that compulsion. We keep our secrets not just because we fear the judgment that will be heaped upon us but also because we do not want to make others feel uncomfortable around us. It is a politeness, this hiding of our past shame.

And yet Jim Starlin probably feels no shame for the comic book he is currently producing in the public sphere. And that leads the individual to another feeling altogether: envy. How is it that Jim Starlin does not have the capacity to understand that he is making us all uncomfortable? And why can't I feel the same obliviousness toward others? How can I learn to express my embarrassingly honest self without noticing the squeamish looks on the faces of loved ones, without feeling each ragged cut of rejection as they turn away from me having seen the atrocities which I am capable of committing? And how can I develop the gall to ask people to pay money for these wanton acts of self-destruction, these minute obliterations of all decency?

It is true, is it not? Have you ever seen somebody at a party do that very thing that you hide deep down in your well of perversions and think, "Is that acceptable? Have I been deluded in my shame my entire life? Why can I not feel as free as this one, happy and oblivious in her discomfiting the rest of us?" But we know that she has a hidden secret that would mar her public persona as well, different but just as damaging as the secrets we hide. Each has a peculiar ability to skewer, deflate, disintegrate the person others view us as. Should we care? Is there an authentic self? Does it even exist if one cannot be completely known by any other? Should we all present to the public our own Stormwatch?

No. Secret selves are the glue that bind civilization and allow us to walk amongst each other. How could I sit at a table with my back to the unending stream of unknowable people if I knew what they were truly capable of? We can deny and ignore the depths of our own depravity. But once you learn the depths of another's, you never forget. And so, Jim Starlin, you baby face penis rubber, I will always remember that you once opened up your mind and exposed to me the Magenta Timelords Stormwatch Arc and, due to your carelessness you displayed in hiding your shame, I will never feel comfortable reading any of your stories.

Besides, they all feature Warworld anyway. Seriously, dude. Enough with the Warworld. What the fuck is that a metaphor for anyway? Your mother's womb? Your uncle's dingy, dark basement? Your first flowering crush who, upon finding out you liked her, called you a fat fucking twerp right to your face? No, no. Forget I asked. Why you developed Warworld is probably that part of yourself that you can never let anybody see. Stormwatch is nothing in comparison. What I should be asking is why does this Extremax story arc make me feel so uncomfortable? Why am I envious of your ability to expose this part of yourself whereas I would be exposing too much of the hidden me?

Perhaps I should just ignore the questions and treat this day like every other, passing the time in tiny moments of blissfully distracting mundanities as I wander the paths of time's labyrinth, ignoring the dead ends I can no longer talk about and pretending not to notice the animal grunting that gets closer and closer every year as I anticipate, both anxiously and with dread, the day I finally feel the hot breath on my neck and the oblivion of the rending teeth.

How do they plan on doing it? I'd guess a T-1000. Or a meteor although, time being what it is, that obviously didn't work.

Yes, the Crayola Timelords decide to use the asteroid plummeting to the Earth's surface that eventually wipes out the dinosaurs. They choose to move it so that it impacts the land and destroys all life. But, time being what it is, Excremax the Ohmergerd causes the asteroid to explode in the sky which does that thing that happens eventually where the dinosaurs die and mammals take over. You know, time being what it is. Or as Lost often said, "Whatever happened, happened." Unless Lost never said that at all. Or was even a thing. Did I dream that television show?

The rest of the drama plays out with Excremax the Ohmergerd explaining what needs to happen to Jenny Soul and then explaining what needs to happen next because of how Jenny Soul fucked up what she was supposed to do the first time.

Excremax: "There is a Crayola Timelord that needs to die or else all life on Earth will perish!"
Jenny Soul: "Okay! I killed it! Yay me!"
Excremax: "But you did not kill it quickly enough, you dumb shit. Now look what is happening! It sent out a help message and now help has arrived! This help will kill us both if we do not flee as quickly as possible."
Jenny Soul: "But where do we go?"
Excremax: "We now flee to The Bleed!"
Jenny Soul: "Why the fuck didn't you just bring us here in the first place instead of narrating all of that other shit? What the fuck is wrong with you?"
Excremax: "Now Jenny Soul gets uppity with me and questions why I do the things that I do! But now I will bring up the fact that I am about to mention that Jenny Soul is in need of a proper spanking!"
Jenny Soul: "Seriously?"
Excremax: "Now I am mentioning that Jenny Soul is in need of a proper spanking and I shall forthwith be pulling down her tiny panties so that I can slap her firm young sixteen year old ass!"
Jenny Soul: "And now Jenny Soul gets Excremax arrested for being a fucking pervy fucking weirdo. No offense, The Weird."

Meanwhile in ARGUS Headquarters, Hawkman has stopped J'onn J'onzz (actually Storm Control in disguise but Hawkman doesn't know that!) in the hallway to yell at him for being two hours early to a meeting. Really? That's suspicious? I suppose Hawkman always has a very large burr up his ass but this is a bit silly. How dare a member of the Justice League of America be found wandering ARGUS Headquarters early for a meeting by, let's see, another member of the Justice League of America busy wandering ARGUS Headquarters early for a meeting! I think it's more suspicious that Hawkman called out Martian Manhunter because it's like he's deflecting attention away from himself!

Apparently my initial assessment of this situation was spot on: Hawkman is just always fucking angry.

Storm Control manages to destroy the intel ARGUS had on Stormwatch and he then leaves ARGUS. Although his Martian Manhunter suit is apparently just a rubber costume and it fooled Hawkman, so Hawkman is a giant idiot. I guess it's hard to tell the difference between rubber and real when you have angry eyes. Storm Control uses his own palm print to gain access to the ARGUS Information Vault, so he's probably a clone of Steve Trevor.

Back to Jenny and Excremax, Excremax continues to narrate exactly what they're doing while Jenny says things like "Sure" and "Lead the way" and "I will not let my people die!" Excremax tells Jenny to create psychic avatars of "those she trusts" so of course she creates a bunch of mental versions of Stormwatch. Including Lobo who she, you know, totally trusts and shit.

Why? He's been narrating the action the entire time. I don't think Excremax is a character at all! He's writing this story as they go!

Excremax the Ohmergerd and Jenny Soul destroy the Sole Mind of the Crayola Timelords, destroying them completely. But this creates a backwash in reality that threatens to destroy them. Is that because the regular non-Crayola-Timelord-influenced timeline is returning?

No, that's not what it means. It's just a localized anomaly that Excremax is almost sucked into but Jenny Soul saves his life. And even though he promises Jenny that he will not harm Earth or anybody she cares about (nice selfish deal, kid), Excremax now has possession of the full Artifact that will supposedly make him the most powerful being in the Magenta Timeline. Right after Lobo, of course.

Stormwatch #28 Rating: -1 Ranking. What this comic book really needs is more Warworld.

Green Lantern Corps #25

Do I have to read a Zero Year military story? Please get to the handing out of the ring quickly.

This issue begins in Detroit twenty years previously! Holy Dick Sucking Monster Men! That's nearly before the Crisis on Infinite Earths happened! I said "nearly," you nerd! Don't make me point to a dictionary definition that says nearly can be within "eight years" of the exact date. Especially because it would look weird that the definition is written in the margins in my handwriting.

It also takes place in Detroit! Holy Dick Sucking Motorcars! I don't know why I'm so surprised that it takes place in Detroit.

I just rewatched "The Mindscape of Alan Moore" and now I feel guilty that I'm not taking writing seriously. What kind of magic spell am I casting when I cause half a dozen people to read the phrase "Holy Dick Sucking Monster Men" all at the same time? Perhaps a script will manifest out of the aether for a porn parody of Pacific Rim, "Pacific Rimjob."

General Main General Man: "Why are these Battle Mech not designed according to the exact specifications our engineers demanded?"
Lower Ranking Subordinate: "Really? You actually wanted them outfitted with gigantic penises?"
General Main General Man: "Of course I did! How else are we going to pacify the Giant Dick Sucking Monster Men?!"
Lower Ranking Subordinate: "I thought we could just blow them up with the shoulder mounted nuclear rockets?"
General Main General Man: "Who said to add those?! Those rocket mounts are for Rocket Propelled Syringes filled with a mixture of Heroin and Ecstasy! And who the hell decided to weld metal plates covering up the gigantic, gaping anus?!"

Now I really feel like a failure! Alan Moore said to treat writing as if writing were a God! What kind of God am I worshiping here?!

In Detroit, little John Stewart asks his mom why she's got such a big mouth and she tells him a story that doesn't make any sense. And then it's only six years ago as the gigantic storm is about to hit Gotham! The Marine Corps have been dispatched to shoot poor people before they can loot from middle class people. John Stewart is among these sacred keepers of the peace.

What?! I always thought "Semper Fi" meant "full of sperm." Well, that's what it's going to mean in "Pacific Rimjob."

John Stewart and the other marines wind up in the Gotham Knights Stadium where Anarky reigns. He and a bunch of morons that don't understand that the real power of anarchy doesn't come from the ends of baseball bats and steel-toed boots disarm the marines because they're a symbol of the social, economic, political, and corporate power structure that feeds off the many. These people have spent years fighting amongst themselves as they've struggled to maintain some sort of life in the shadow of Gotham as Bruce Wayne gentrifies the city and drives the poor from one neighborhood to the next in the name of progress. But now they have a target for their hate given to them by their new leader: Anarky! Hero of the hopeless!

I tend not to have sympathy for Anarky right from the beginning because he says the government used eminent domain to buy up all the property for the Gotham Knights Stadium while also saying this was a poverty stricken district. So, more likely, Bruce Wayne and the other rich bastards of Gotham probably just offered crazy prices to the slumlords to sell off the properties which were most likely filled with renters. But Anarky wins me back a bit with his foosball speech!

I hope John gets his Green Lantern Ring soon!

I know! I know! He's never going to get his Green Lantern ring in a story taking place six years ago! Hal Jordan was barely a Green Lantern at this time! But it's a nice mantra to keep repeating over and over again to hold the entire commentary together. Except now that I mentioned it, it's lost its effectiveness and I'll be abandoning it immediately.

John and the military escape. John's commander wants to kick the crap out of Anarky's henchman and some of his underlings are ready to kill them. But John remembers the story his mother told him twenty years ago about how people in power have a responsibility not to get emotional when trying to maintain the peace. Or something. I'm only halfway through this comic book and both stories are being told at the same time! Can it get any more confusing?! In one story, I'm supposed to be sympathetic with the military! But in the other story, I'm supposed to be sympathetic with the civilians!? Who am I supposed to root for?! Is it possible I'm supposed to be on the side of . . . EVERYONE?! SHOCK!

Why is John the only person in this stadium that understands anarchy? I guess because nobody else heard his mom's story fourteen years ago!

Here's my definition of an Anarchist Society: "A place where anybody can do anything they want without worrying about some stupid cop putting a bullet in their head. But they have to worry about everyone else putting a bullet in their head all the time because there are no cops." Although, seriously, we don't live in an anarchy and we have to worry about cops and non-cops putting bullets in our heads all the time! Go USA! NUMBER ONE! NUMBER ONE!

John Stewart saves the day but pisses off his commanding officer which was probably a bad move for his military career. But it was probably a good move for his civilian career as an architect! Also, Anarky gets away and Batman makes a quick cameo as he swings in close to get a quick look at Stewart's ass before disappearing back into the night. And, twenty years ago, Little Johnny Stewart learns some kind of lesson or something about power or racism or corruption or lawyers or something. I'm not really very good at learning lessons. Maybe the lesson he learned was to shoot his own dog.

Green Lantern Corps #25 Rating: No change. I think this was the most successful John Stewart has ever been if you measure success by how many people didn't die because of his inability to save them!