Gotham Academy: Second Semester #2

Young people are the worst.

The Review!
So. Know today the way I'll review this issue of Gotham School is by this rule which you've probably noted already. Unless you're not as smart as one who sniffs a fart. In which case, I must wonder why dum-dums read my Tumblr.

The kids these days are into clubs, but I'm still into limbless nubs. This month Mia has become a witch. Trigger warning for this line: a bitch has convinced Olive to be her new friend, a situation Maps would like to end. The kids discover a teacher named Pio is sick, or missing, or just gone to pee. Oh! Colton is apparently in love with Kyle while Eric's in love with Maps. I like his style. Cause other than Pomeline, Maps is my favorite (cause Maps cannot stand that jerk Amy (who gave her shit)). I mean, there are other reasons why I also love Maps! Like how she always role plays and doesn't give any craps. I'm certain the star was supposed to be Olive Silverlock but I lost all respect for her for dating Kyle. Dumb jock.

You might be wondering about some of the other chaps at the school, right? They don't matter unless one of them snaps. And the girls? They are too young to say they shave a bit downstairs. I also shouldn't say I favor a tit of one over another since one might cry. I'll just wind up looking like a huge pedophile.

This issue introduces a new trio: Harriet, Evan, a witch from Yu-Gi-Oh. Evan, a character I hope they spend no time developing, followed the trend and decided to join up with witch club. Is join too strong? He felt an itch to join! Aunt Harriet who scrubs Wayne's house is now one of the subs. The witch has torn asunder Gotham School life. A blunder (although a decent start) the witch will take to heart. Because Mystery Club will certainly stop the old fool because they're cool.

And so to all of you I say, "Good day! Yolo!"

Gotham Academy: Second Semester #1

I wish this series were subtitled "Week #2".

The Commentary!
The first thing that happens in second semester is that Olive gets a new roommate named Pushy. I mean Amy. No wait! The first thing that happens is Olive takes a bath. Totally naked! Which I only mention because it's a fact and not because I'm some demented old perv who gets off on fictional characters' naked body parts drawn by other demented old pervs! I mean, if you've seen one fifteen year old's tits, you're either a super cool teenager or a demented old perv or, you know, somebody who had tits at fifteen. Also some stuff happens before Olive takes a bath but it's lonely, depressing stuff that nobody should allow past their psychic shield or they might wind up spiraling into a black abyss of isolation and fear.

Some people probably think Amy is cool. They see how she wears a cool thermal undershirt underneath a t-shirt with a ratty collar and ratty cuffs on the short sleeves and whose hair is the color of a not quite ripened plum and whose face is full of piercings who has the cavalier attitude that the world is her own and think, "Yasss! She's my jam! And by jam, I mean the stuff that comes out of my nether regions. Ooh la la!" One of the things I learned in my composition classes at university was that you should always tag sexy statements with emotes like "Ooh la la!" so that readers know that they just read something sexy and it's acceptable to be turned on by it.

Amy also steals sandwiches and crushes on Pomeline. Well, who doesn't? Amy isn't as unique as Amy probably thinks she is! Oh, and she's also moving into Maps's side of the room. I guess Maps has a new cuddle buddy for the semester?

Amy turns out to be a dick. I mean, it was obvious she was a dick in the first scene. But she continues to raise the bar on her dickitude. She tempts Olive with all sorts of chaotic nonsense which Olive falls for because Olive just wants to be free from responsibility. She just wants somebody to tell her what to do. She has a pretty low threshold for falling out of her normal behavior. But that's probably because she recently lost her mother for good and she has no actual home and Kyle won't stop asking if he can fingerbang her even though she's told him repeatedly that Maps does it better. So when somebody comes along and says, "Hey! You should throw a rock through that window and break into a museum!", it's easy to say, "Yeah! Yeah, I should do those things!" Plus if you get caught doing those things, you can always rat out the dick who convinced you to do them and, most of the time, if you were generally a decent person before that and the person you ratted out was known for being a pushy, sandwich stealing, hooligan lesbian with facial piercings and colored hair, everybody will believe you. Then they'll hug you because you were the victim of peer pressure and they will sneer at the dick who forced you to do those things by being too cool to not do the things they told you to do. I mean, why else do people begin smoking?! Because some kid who was way cooler than you were was all, "Hey, smoke this and maybe I'll acknowledge your existence."

I wonder if Amy is just a Tyler Durden figment of Olive's imagination? I hope so! If she is, I hope Olive kisses it!

Oh no! She's destroying art! I hope the people who instantly loved Amy are suddenly upset that Fletcher totally screwed up her character and apparently doesn't really "get" Amy at all!

Olive and Amy run into Eric inside the Wedgwood Museum. You remember Eric, right?! He's the one who does art who is totally in love with Maps but Maps only likes him because he can draw the pictures for her Spells and Serpents characters! For some reason, he has a key to the museum. He also knows all of the secret passages inside it. Especially the secret passage where he jerks off thinking about Maps.

Eric has been following the "Arkham" signs all over the campus which led him to the secret room in the Wedgwood Museum! Of course, the "Arkham" sign is really just a Wayne Manor monogram. It's totally just a "W" on top of an "M" and not an "A" on top of an upside-down "A" because that is stupid. Although it could also be a monogram for Wedgwood Museum! The mystery grows more mysterious!

Amy continues to be a dick. Big old floppy dick. Jerkiest dick in Gotham, really.

Amy runs off with Eric's backpack full of wank material which also contains his inhaler. When Olive and Eric emerge from the museum, they're caught by Mr. Scarlet who is completely understanding because Olive has always been such a good kid. Olive decides not to snitch on Amy because snitches are bitches or something. So Amy gets to continue to go to Gotham Academy so she can be a dick to Kyle and Maps and Pomeline and Coulton too! So awesome!

The next day, Olive discovers Professor MacPherson stood her up the previous night to go out with Bruce Wayne. No wonder Olive's mind created her Amy Durden so that she can allow herself to step outside of society's normal rules! That's also probably why "Amy" slashed the picture of Bruce Wayne!

Mmmm. I bet Isla MacPherson and Bruce Wayne fucked so hard! Ooh la la!

My farts smell like mysteries and coal smoke too!

The Ranking!
+2! First rule of Gotham Academy is I probably shouldn't make sexually explicit statements about the characters because they're all so young and fictional.

Gotham Academy Annual #1

Yes! I'm down with Detective Club!

My Commentary!
• Will this be the issue in which Maps reveals she's trans? Probably not. It might, however, be the issue where she reveals she's adorable. Just kidding! That issue has already been published and it was called all of them!

• This issue begins positing a strange question: what if you could be better than a great, strong building and live forever but the main reason you want to live forever is to outlive your enemies and their progeny? That seems oddly specific? Can I just answer "Would you want to live forever?" Do I have to have weird ulterior motives and, for some odd reason, compare my longevity to that of a building, especially when I don't think of buildings as having a rare ability to withstand the ravages of time.

• Olive is awakened by a nightmare (or Maps touching her in her sleep) just in time for Olive and Maps to catch a glimpse of a caped figure leaping across rooftops! They also notice the chapel has been struck by lightning and is on fire. Stupid chapel! It should have been stronger and greater!

• Maps touches Olive on the back and moans. Then she says, "Let's get Detective Club together! Do you want to try out the new uniforms I got us?!" The new uniforms are crotchless panties. Olive declines.

• The caped shadow is seen by the Detective Club stealing a coffin out of the chapel's Antiquities Room. That's the room where the Antiquities are kept! And apparently coffins!

• Olive gets sick and collapses. I bet Maps is poisoning her so that she can take care of her by undressing her and placing bags of frozen peas on her nipples to cool the fever. "Starve a cold, place frozen bags of peas on the nipples to squelch a fever" my grandmother used to always say.

• Pomeline declares that it isn't a flu going around campus but a bunch of vampires! That seems like a Coast to Coast AM summation of events. Did she hear it from an old white truck driver who once thought, "I bet the flue is really caused by the transmission of undead blood cells by late night roaming monster men!" And because he had that thought, it was equally valid as anything Newton ever came up with. I mean, what's the difference?! Why should Newton's "theories" be any more valid than a dope who doesn't understand the difference between O₂ and O₃?!

• I think I know the difference! The smell!

• Part of Pomeline's proof is that Jen Thompson had a hickey. She might be on to something. Jen Thompson does sleep around with a lot of guys which would leave her open to sleeping with a vampire and thus wind up with a bruised and bloodied neck!

• Colton believes a new professor is behind the sickness and the coffin stealing and he has even lousier evidence to support his theory than Pomeline had! Which is what makes Pomeline's theory so perfect. Because so far it's the only one anybody has said that doesn't make sense but at least doesn't make less sense than the others!

• These kids in Detective Club aren't very good at their job. You don't just come up with a theory and then search for evidence of that theory! You search for clues and then build a theory based on the clues! Haven't any of them taken the Trixie Belden's So You Want To Become The World's Greatest Detective Home Course?! Amateurs!

Yes! Yes! Go there! Is it Olive?! Or Kyle?!

• The Detective Club suffers a schism as Pomeline and Tristan rush off to fight vampires and Colton and Kyle rush off to stalk a teacher. That leaves Maps to go tend to Olive whose temperature is probably making her really uncomfortable right now with that wool school uniform still on.

• Colton and Kyle don't discover that Powers, the new teacher, is a vampire but they almost do! So maybe Pomeline and Colton are both correct, no matter how absurd that would be!

• Warren, Colton's paid sidekick, sometimes has blonde hair and sometimes has orange hair. Is that a vampire thing?!

I guess it is a vampire thing!

• It's obvious what's happening now! Dracula has come to Gotham Academy and Van Helsing has changed his name to Powers and gone undercover at the school to capture him. Case closed!

• Pomeline and Tristan chase Warren and run into Dracula. Duh! I figured it out in the last bullet point! That Trixie Belden's So You Want To Become The World's Greatest Detective Home Course is really paying off!

• Dracula claims his name is Gustav Decobra which isn't quite an anagram of Count Dracula but could be if you've recently suffered a head injury. And Powers says his ghostly name is Blight but if he has one alias, he's bound to have two! So he's obviously Van Helsing hunting Decobra. I don't even have to read any more of this comic book because I totally figured it out.

• My theory is totally correct and the kids do a thing and save the day. The end. Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

Shut up, Maps! That isn't what happened at all! It was Dracula and Van Helsing!

• I wonder if Maps is going to guest star in the new Batman Beyond series now that she traveled to the future? That part wasn't important to the Dracula/Van Helsing story so I didn't mention it. Just forget I said anything.

The Review
This is an Annual! I don't fucking review annuals! They're always just so...so...ANNUALLY!

Batgirl #52

I think Batgirl just got stung in the face by a wasp.

The Review!
One day, Mary Sue was sitting down for lunch after her morning lecture, "Do Not Think of the Transporters as Suicide Machines or People Replicators." She was desperate for a big, fat, juicy sausage. Her lips were watering just thinking about sliding a huge sausage into the proper orifice. You know the one! The one that enjoys sausages! Did you see me winking as I typed that? Cadet Jenkins McElroy wandered into the canteen and picked up an empty tray that would soon be loaded with sausages of his own. And probably some eggs and toast and maybe beans since Star Fleet was an amalgam of all cultures, even the weird ones that eat beans for breakfast. "Hey, Mary Sue! What's going on?" asked Jenkins with his sausage hole. "Ohhhhhh," moaned Mary Sue because Star Fleet uniforms were so tight that she could totally see Jenkins was hiding a sausage in the appropriate place for guys to have sausages. "Oh Mary Sue! You kidder!" said Jenkins not understanding what was going on at all because he was a virgin and he had never heard a sex moan before. I have heard them a lot which is why I know that they sound like "Ohhhh!" And if you don't think that's what a sex sound sounds like, you probably read it incorrectly and should read it the way it really sounds. You should also read it out loud and record it and email me the recording but only if you're a female because I don't want to hear a guy doing a sex sound. I've heard that enough! I mean because I've heard my own sex sounds all those times I've done it a lot! Now I forgot where I was in the story. I think Mary Sue fell asleep satisfied and full of sausage or something.

The Commentary!
Dear Diary,
I am a sham! A lousy, good-for-nothing sham! I'm not the virgin you thought I was! I can't keep my deep, dark secret any longer! I'm a different virgin! Ha ha!

Here's the thing, Diary! I don't want to be superhero! I want to be a stand-up comedian! I can take the stage name Oracle and tell jokes about my vagina! "My vagina is like a greyhound bus! A lot of people have spent a lot of miserable time inside of it! OH!" Then the audience members will look at each other and wink and say things like "She bangs a lot!" and "She's talking about doing it!" Here's another joke I'm working on: "So the other day, Mary Sue--that's what I call my vadge--was all, 'Let's fuck that guy over there!' And I was all, 'That's a lamppost!' And Mary Sue was all, 'I know!'" Okay, so I need to work on my material! But that's the problem. I'm spending all of my time being a superhero and no time writing super funny jokes to tell while standing up!

Oh! I wonder if that's why The Joker shot me in the spine! He didn't want any competition so he made sure I couldn't stand up or be funny due to having been traumatized! That guy!

Another thing I've been super busy with is hanging around with my new girl crew. We call ourselves the Pussy Patrol. Well, I do! They want to call themselves the Birds of Prey but I'm like, "The only bird in this group is Black Canary!" And then Bluebird was all, "Hey! Bitch!" And I was all, "Also isn't it kind of degrading to refer to ourselves as 'birds'? And isn't it a little violent to think of ourselves as birds who eat other birds? Oh wait! I just got that! It's a cunnilingus reference! Uh oh. Mary Sue is hulking out!"

So the other night, I was hanging with the Pussy Patrol when we heard that Gladius was holding the kids of Gotham Academy hostage! I was all, "We have to save them even if I'm already super busy trying to balance my social life, my family life, my career life, my imaginary love life, my Mary Sue hygiene life, and my superhero life!" And Wonder Woman was all, "Tell me about it, sister! So difficult! OH HOW I WANT A BABY SO BADLY!" But Admiral Grump Canary was all, "It's a trap!" And Vixen was all, "Does anybody have any wacky nose pep?" See, because she's a model and they all do that, right? I don't know! I'm a drugs virgin too, okay?! And the Spoiler was all, "And it turns out, she was really a guy!" And Blackbird was all, "I was in the middle of getting my head shaved when you called! I mean, that must be the explanation of my hair style, right? Nobody would really go around with half of their head shaved when they're trying to keep a secret identity, you know?!" But I was all, "Don't worry, Pussies! I have a plan! Dun dun dun DUN!"

My plan was basically to go in and kick butt but they didn't need to know it was that simple! Mostly I could call it a plan because I knew a secret way into the library where the kids were being held. Which probably didn't matter so much because we were still walking into a trap. Why do heroes always walk into traps when they know they're traps? I think most of the time we just say we know something is a trap so if it turns out to be a trap, we can be all, "I knew it!"

Ugh. What the hell are you wearing, Grump Canary?!

The plan took a terrible turn when I confronted Gladius and said, "You're surrounded!" But the Pussy Patrol were all standing behind me because some people don't know how to follow plans! How embarrassing! Now all the kids at Gotham Academy think I don't know the definition of surrounded!

Maybe nobody noticed because almost immediately, Gladius went all Boss Battle on us! She grew four more arms and they were all wielding swords and she was all, "Now get in to melee combat with me and don't you dare try to attack me with ranged weapons!" So most of the Pussy Patrol were all, "Okay!" And I was left to spit out that little cloud of air like they do in Mangas when a character is exasperated! Even Bluebird closes in on Gladius and she uses electricity guns! They're not Tasers because those are trademarks and she makes her own versions which she hasn't named yet. Unless she has and I wasn't paying attention because I was thinking of some way to get a dick up in Mary Sue.

AnySwayze, I was all, "Let me show them how it's done! I'll impress them all with my ranged attack skills by taking out Gladius's remote control of her mechanical arms from a ranged distance down range!"

Why is my memory so good?! Now I'll never forget this embarrassing verbal flub!

So it turned out Gladius wasn't exactly Gladius! She was just pseudo-Gladius! The real Gladius went running off looking for the Negahedron which is some thing that does something bad or something. I know I have an eidetic memory but sometimes things are so boring I just never really pay attention when I first learn about them.

Since the Pussy Patrol worked as a team all night, I decided to send them all home so I could take down Gladius all by myself! Mostly because Gladius had taken off on a fire engine and I wasn't about to bring Vixen and Grump Canary along with me. What firefighter would look at me when Grump Canary's everything is hanging out of her fishnets and Vixen is acting like she's on the catwalk (also probably walking like a cat because of her powers)?

Damn it! I'll remember this flub forever too! What is wrong with my speech capabilities?! Luckily none of the hot studs they use for the calendars which I totally don't rub Mary Sue on were around to hear me.

After the adventure, I ended up at my surprise going away party. Wait. What? Where am I going away to?! I didn't know I was going away! What's going on here?! Who's messing with my mind and my life?! Why is my world always changing around me without my consent?! Life is terrible!

Batgirl #51

What a fucking waste, Babs! Throwing away beautiful Doc Martens like that while children in India are running around barefoot! Probably!

The Review!
Barbara Gordon isn't so much learning that as a woman living in modern times, she can't have it all so much as she's learning that as a woman living in modern times, she has to fret and worry about how she can't have it all. Myself, I think she's being too dramatic. But that's the whole point! Batgirl's life needs drama just when everything seems to be working out. She has great friends. She has a boyfriend. She has a business. She's a super hero. She's making a strong go of living on her own as an adult. The issue of children and family hasn't even been brought up yet and she's already breaking down! Perhaps I'm being too sensitive to this "working woman struggling with balance in her life" story because of how browbeatingly awful it's been used in the Finches' Wonder Woman comic book. But I feel like female characters are being forced to be too introspective about how much of their life they're giving up by choosing to be a superhero. It would be one thing if Bruce Wayne were the only character able to run a business, "raise a kid", and be a hero because he obviously gave up on having a normal family when he was eight. Plus the "raise a kid" part is in quotes since I don't think it counts as raising a child if you put him in a garish costume and keep him up all night risking his life. Batman is DC's favorite son, so even if Batman had a perfect relationship, he would be an anomaly because he's the motherfucking Batman. But what about Aquaman? He has it all! No, wait. I don't think I count him as a "superhero". He's more of a joke in a stupid costume. But Superman of Lois and Clark! He's got it all, right?! Unless he doesn't have a job. Does Clark White have a job? I don't remember!

Um, anyway, whatever the case with everybody's lives in the DC Youniverse, it doesn't seem like the male characters have to eat their fucking hearts out worrying about the situation. Batgirl's solution by the end of this comic book is to give her job as president of Gordon Green Gassy Electric to Alysia. That's a good solution because who wants to see Batgirl have a day job anyway? What a bore! She also decides to take some time away from Luke which is okay by me too for the same reason! What a bore! Batwing has never been sexy or exciting! Besides, his suit makes him look fat. Ultimately, Barbara will wind up spending more time with her friends as Batgirl which is really all I want from this comic book anyway. And maybe some sexy slumber parties!

Gotham Academy #13

I'm considering getting drunk.

I'm not really in the mood to read more comic books tonight but I'm not really in the mood to do anything else either. I tried playing a little more Temple of Elemental Evil but Zuggtmoy kicked my ass and then I made a deal with Hedrack not to fight but as soon as the conversation ended, he was all, "Hey! Let's fight!" Fucker. I'm going to get drunk and kill you, you piece of shit! But first I guess I'll read this Robin War tie-in.

This issue is called "Robins vs. Zombies" and I already know what's going to happen because Riko spilled the beans all over the other Robin War comic books. A Talon is going to enroll at Gotham Academy and nobody is going to let him sit with them at lunch because Gotham Academy doesn't really have an undead clique. And Maps was probably busy writing a dungeon crawl for her role playing game, Serpents and Spells, or else she totally would have invited the zombie to sit at her table.

Now I'm not sure if I want Olive to make out with Pomeline or Riko!

Maps is upset because Riko has the same backpack and because Riko is taking Olive's open roommate slot (that isn't an innuendo unless you want it to be and you're a total pedo (oh, who am I kidding? They're only fictional characters! Imagine them doing whatever you want to each other!)). I totally fucking knew Riko was going to try to be the new Maps! I called it last issue because I'm super overprotective of my Maps! Fuckin' Riko. You can go to hell, Riko! Or better yet! You can go to the hell that people in hell go to when they die in hell! You go to hell's hell, jerko!

Later that night, Pizza Detective Club begins investigating the Case of the Greenhouse Zombie! They set up a trap to catch the zombie but since they're practically the Scooby Doo gang and they've baited the trap with food, one of them is going to get hungry and fall into the trap themselves! Now which one is the most like Shaggy? Colton, right?! Although Riko isn't with them and she needs to get involved so she'll probably get caught in the trap while doing some Robin work.

Or she'll just get invited to join. Don't they all look adorable?!

Maps's plan doesn't quite work out the way she thought it would, probably because she was flirting so hard with Riko. But it does get Kirk's Langstrom's attention which is when I begin yawning and trying not to fall asleep. I don't know how anybody stays awake reading a Man-bat comic book! I was only just able to stay awake because Kirk Langstrom is just a tad bit more interesting when he's not Man-bat. He's also just acting as an adviser to the Pizza Detective Club and I really like those guys. So while barely holding my interest, I'm able to continue reading about their second plan to catch the zombie. This one involves mumbo-jumbo comic book bullshit that almost sounds scientific enough to be fictionally plausible! And guess what?!

Hey! Wake up! I said, "Guess what?!"

It works! The zombie comes back to the lab to--cross my fingers--murder Kirk Langstrom!

The Talon must be an ancestor of Olive's!

The Talon introduces himself as Efrem. Kirk Langstrom decides to keep him on in the lab to sterilize tools and sweep up. The Pizza Detective Club shrugs and decides to put this mystery in the solved column. Then Olive calls the cops on Riko and gets her ass thrown out of Gotham Academy for being a Robin. See, Olive isn't exactly on the best of terms with the Batfamily. Probably because they threw her mother in Arkham.

Maps tries to tangle with the cops but Damian stops her. She doesn't know it's Damian because he keeps his identity hidden by standing in a tree a few feet away from her totally exposed. Then he explains that he's going to start a war and that maybe she and her friends should order a pizza and go play some Serpents and Spells and ignore the awful screams of Robins being torn to pieces by Talons outside the dorm windows.

Gotham Academy #13 Rating: No change. At first I thought I wasn't going to like the art because it wasn't Karl Kerschl's art. But then I was like "Oh my God! They're so cute!" and "Look at that face Maps is making!" and "Olive has never been more adorable!" So I think those exclamations meant I liked it after all. I'm glad Riko didn't take Maps' place in the Pizza Detective Club but I'm fairly certain this story would have been better if Pomeline and Riko had kissed a little bit. Mostly on the mouth, of course! I don't expect any fisting to take place on a first date! At least not a first date between young people. Forty year olds going on a first date? Holy shit, things are going to get fucking weird.

Gotham Academy #12

Why isn't the main character on the cover?

Hopefully at the one year mark, we'll get an ending to the Sybil Silverlock story. Then Olive can get serious about her school work and Maps can take over the lead. Unless that jerk Riko thinks she's going to get the lead! If she winds up at Gotham Academy for good, she'd better know her place! Maps is the leader of Pizza Detective Club and she's more of a real Robin than Riko ever will be! Maps had the approval of two separate Robins before this stupid We Are Robin movement even began!

While Maps and Olive were off looking for clues as to the identity of Calamity, Kyle Mizoguchi disappeared. Now Maps is upset because that was her brother but Olive is probably sort of glad because he was her ex and it's always easier when your ex just mysteriously disappears and you can breathe easy knowing you'll never run into them again.

Maps isn't actually upset either. She wants to keep looking for Kyle but she knows the school is going to send her home to be with her parents while the search for Kyle goes on. So Maps and Olive recruit Katherine Karlo to mimic Maps so Maps can lead the Pizza Detective Club to victory.

I think Katherine took a huge blow to the head during the Hamlet fiasco. Has nobody thought about getting her some medical attention for a possible concussion?

The Pizza Detective Club have a key to Arkham Asylum so that's the first place they go to look for clues. I guess it's been rebuilt since The Spectre sent it to hell! Alfred has Wayne Manor back and the crazy people have to go somewhere other than the streets of Gotham.

Hmm. Maybe I imagined the asylum going to hell. Am I the only one who read Batman Eternal? Was that just a dream?!

The problem with reading all of DC's comic books is I don't have the luxury to think, "Oh, maybe it was magically restored in a book I didn't read!" Of course, it's quite possible it was magically restored in a book I read and I've completely forgotten about it! Although that's not a luxury; that's a possible symptom of something awful. I have a feeling the destruction of Arkham has simply been retconned so that it's merely sort of broken down and abandoned rather than "completely gone and replaced by a crater reaching to the bowels of hell."

Olive remains outside because she'll probably need to have a confrontation with her mother while alone. The rest of the Pizza Detectives head inside to find Kyle almost immediately, thanks to Maps's super sleuthing skills. Kyle was dragged to Arkham by somebody other than Calamity. He doesn't reveal who it was because he almost falls to his death while he waits for the Pizza Detectives to figure out how to use their Arkham Key. Maybe the hole Kyle almost falls in is all that's left of the crater that I must have dreamed swallowed the entire building previously.

I think Arkham lies on reality distorting field and that's why it exists differently than I remember! That's why Colton was able to grab Kyle's hand even though there's no way he could have grabbed Kyle's hand if I trust the upper right panel!

I was hoping that right in the middle of this issue, we'd get a scene of Katherine just shoving slices of bread into her mouth.

Olive has followed a voice calling to her and wound up in an upper room of the old building. It's there that she meets the jerko who kidnapped Kyle: Hugo Strange! Well, duh! That's what happens when a school lets a loony like him counsel the kids! Although it's possible he hasn't really done any crazy shit yet in The New 52. He was teased in Teen Titans (or was it Red Hood?! It was a Lobdell comic) but nothing ever came of that. And he was counseling Roy Harper in Red Hoods (when Tynion was writing, I think?). And he may have taken part in a back-up story in Detective Comics a long time ago but I think that was his just his son, Eli. Also, that was the most horribly written Poker story I've ever read. Thanks, Tony S. Daniel! I think the "S" stands for "YOU SUCK!"

Professor Strange has been dressing up like Olive's mother because he's a weird pedo. Also it's pretty typical for the villain in a story about young people acting like detectives for the villain to be an old guy dressing up to scare people so he can find the treasure or buy the real estate cheaply. In this case, Calamity has hidden something in the tunnels beneath Arkham. Hugo Strange has been trying to scare the Calamity out of Olive so that she'd channel the villain and maybe show him where she hid the treasure. Instead, Calamity chases off Hugo Strange and Kyle is saved. Calamity may or may not have appeared through Olive. It's a Pizza Detective Mystery!

Or it's not. Olive feels whole so I think that means Calamity has become a part of her. Which means Olive now feels closer to her mother. Although she's still not sure how her mother died! It was probably Strange!

Gotham Academy #12 Rating: No change. The art in this comic book is simply adorable. Or beautiful if adorable is too patronizing. I'm also a huge fan of the characters and the setting because it's something different that DC isn't really used to doing. Plus it feels a bit like Degrassi Junior High which is a show I grew up with and which I loved a lot. I suppose Maps is a big reason as to why I like this comic as well but I'm always singing her Dungeons and Dragons praises so I'm just going to ignore her this time.

NoI'mnotMapsisthebest!

Batgirl #46

I bet Spoiler's diary is full of stories that end in sexual gratification.

Dear Diary,
You are the worst, Diary. The absolute worst. You sit there on the bedside table judging me and my painfully intact maidenhead! Every time I pick you up to write in you, I can hear your pages flop with ennui! You probably wish you'd been purchased by some super slut who bangs guys left and right and anally! Well, I've got news for you, Diary! I'm a super slut too! It's just that I'm trapped in the body of an untouchable monster that withers dicks by walking in the room! Apparently! Maybe virginity is the price I'm paying for loving justice so much! I just don't have time to hang out at the roller rink in my jeans just tight enough to begin camel toeing but not quite enough for anybody to talk about it. I'd be flipping my hair back and forth while giggling at all the boys jokes! Sometimes I'd get real flirty and hang on the back of one of them imagining their cock stiffening in their pants at the pressure of my boobs pressed against them! Maybe one of them--not quite the one I'm interested in but perhaps one that's kind of cute and funny and outgoing--will ask me to skate doubles with him! His hand would enfold mine as we skate counter-clockwise around the rink, my hip occasionally bumping his, my heart thrilling, my labia swelling! Eventually, after weekend upon weekend spent at the roller rink, flirting and laughing and teasing, maybe I'd wind up in the back seat of his car with my pants around my ankles as he timidly explores my nether regions, first with his fingers and then--if courage and lust overtake him--with his tongue! Then after I experienced my first orgasm from another person (mostly due to the experience and less due to his experience), I'd unzip his jeans and pull them down around his thighs. I'd see his cock straining against his tight whiteys and I'd eagerly pull at the elastic band to see it spring up into view. I'd take a deep breath of his aroma and gently wrap my hand around his thickness. Then he'd probably come immediately and I'd be a little bit upset when some of his semen got on the arm of my jumper. But I'd smile and giggle and we'd clean up quickly, redress, and head back into the rink where he'd probably play video games with his friends and fucking ignore me for the rest of the night. Hmm. That fantasy was real nice up until the end! Now I'm sort of glad I'm a virgin for justice!

Nadimah and I have been working on this project to make Burnside safer by being nosy and collecting as much information as the locals as we can. We're kind of being extremely pushy but that's because people in this area just don't know what's good for them! Stop doubting me and just trust me, you old people! What we noticed was that gentrification is gentrifying the gentrifiable gentrifications. Gentrification gentrification gentrification! It's all so gentrification I can't gentrificate!

Ugh! Sorry about that! I'm so sleepy! But I guess when you change up your whole superhero look and attitude so that it screams "hipster," you only really have one theme to your battles: gentrification! It's like Batman is kind of crazy so his battles are all about madness. And Superman is all about being noble and trustworthy so all of his battles are with selfish bastards. So now I've decided to live in Gothipster Central, so I'm just going to have to deal with evil real estate developers and construction companies who don't really care more about improving the neighborhood than improving their bank account. It is nice to be able to judge them though! "That is wrong, yous!" I shout while wagging my finger at them and pouting my lips to show my disapproval! "Old people and poor people need low rents in safe neighborhoods, by gum!" Then I'll swivel my hips around and put my waggy finger up to my chin and furrow my cute little brows. "It's good to improve the neighborhood but not at the expense of the current residents, don't you know?!" Then I'll cover my mouth with both hands and say "Tee hee!" before swinging away from the thoroughly chastised bad guys.

It's only a matter of time before I find myself face to face with Wayne Enterprises!

This is totally how gangs work and super believable to boot!

So while out doing some routine patrols to keep the hipster gangs to a minimum, I ran into this bald guy named Lewis. He was all, "Secrecy secrets conspiracy secrets secrets!" And I was all, "Oh shootz!" And he was all, "Shh!" And I was all, "Mums!" We agreed to talk elsewhere later because that's how these kinds of clandestine meetings are arranged. I couldn't really tell how attractive he was so my vagina didn't care about the meeting as much as my brain did. My brain was all, "How do you pop a boner because I am super excited!"

So before I went out to meet this guy, Frankie showed me some neural implant she got for some superhero reason. Oh wait! I remember! It was to be my motorcycle! AnySwayze, I finally decided to stop being a Grump Canary when it came to Frankie being a superhero and we Clit Swore to become BFF Partners! Neither one of us could still voice how she's chosen the name Oracle but has still never flippin' said it. I'm not saying it first! She really needs to say it first!

So after we got done making out and getting all sloppy, I headed out to meet Lewis.

Great. Lewis was trying to drag me into Gotham Mob crap!

So that was it! I had to track down Spoiler and help her. Then maybe after that, I'd point out how I was getting a league of hot young girls together to fight crime! We'd be totally doing it for justice so any vag massages we needed to give each other after big battles wouldn't be gay at all!

I found Spoiler just as she was battling some weird Japanese Elvis Yu-Gi-Oh Wolverine dude. He might have been tough in Osaka but this is Gotham, baby! Tough in Osaka is puppysville in Gotham! Spoiler and I beat the crap out of him easy! With the help of Orac...um, Frankie as the Batgirl-Cycle! Not my menses, Smartass Diary.

So I set Spoiler up in this apartment of this person I know that was probably named Tim or Dick or somebody named the guy I was totally going to bang soon. AnySwayze, I had a big date and I was exhausted! So I knew I wasn't going to become a woman that night because I was going to pass out if I got anywhere near a bed. Unless, of course, Luke is like a total sleep creeper! Probably not, right, Diary?

It could be. But you did hear the part where it's somebody else's, right, Mister Sleep Creeper?!

Oh yeah! I was also having sleep paralysis! But that's totally normal and probably not at all related to some weird super-villain, right Diary?!

Then just before hitting bed tonight, I saw that old lady whose son we promised to help on the news. Her son was being arrested and she was screaming stupid bullpoop about how it was my fault because I promised to keep him safe. Hey, old lady! How about blaming your stupid son for getting into gangs in the first place, hunh?! I'm just trying to friggin' help, you old cow! Garsh! I'm so angry!

Batgirl #46 Rating: No change. Are people really as petty and stupid as the old lady at the end of this comic book? Her son chooses to join a gang. Her son gets arrested. She blames Batgirl because Batgirl said she'd help her son. Lobotomize that old lady! Euthanize her! And then put a bullet in the head of every comic book character that doesn't know how to assign blame and responsibility! Although if I'm angry at characters that are always punishing or blaming the wrong person, I suppose I should be really angry at the original gangster of misdirected blame: God! That guy really knew how to punish the wrong people! I suppose the other thing that's going to happen in this comic book is Luke Fox is going to fuck Spoiler and Batgirl is going to go back to pining for Dick. If you know what I mean! You should know because that wasn't subtle at all.

Batgirl #45

What is the traditional time during the reception to fuck in the closet?

Dear Diary,
Today I was the hottest bridesmaid in all of the land. I was so hot that Alysia and Jo were probably upset that they invited me to be in their wedding. I also didn't wear any underpants! Not for sexy reasons! It wasn't like anybody was going to get an "accidental" glimpse of my goodies when I bent over to pick up whatever I fake dropped next to the cute boy anyway with all of that chiffon in the way. I didn't wear underpants so I could just swing the entire dress over my head and simply sit down when I needed to pee. And I was going to have to pee a lot because I was planning on drinking one whole glass of champagne! Oh! I also planned to do the dress over the head trick after the reception when I sat on Luke's face! My worst fear was that I was so eager to have anything with testosterone touching my lady petals that I was going to scream at the officiant to just hurry the fudge up with the vows cause I got a date with an orgasm!

Okay, yes, Diary. Alysia looked pretty hot. But she was supposed to look hot! She was wearing the wedding dress! I was in Prom Reject Formal and I was still killing it! Although one misstep with the not wearing underpants, Diary? I didn't realize how nice it was going to feel when the dress rubbed against my bare ass all night. And then dancing with Luke! And then later when that other thing happened that I'll get to! Constant fear that I was leaving a trail around the reception hall like some super horny garden slug. I hate to throw a spoiler about how the night went, Diary, but I have to say that there's no way sex is better than walking around in a constant state of anticipating sex! It's like my entire body was an erogenous zone and everything at the wedding was an erect penis!

I was lying! My most important job of the day was milking Luke's penis until he died of dehydration.

After helping Luke tie his stupid nerd tie, I came within twenty seconds of being defiled! Is that how long men usually last? The way I'm constantly wound up, I probably only need about three seconds before I explode. But just when Luke and I were about to untie that stupid tie so I could rub my vagina all over his naked chest, stupid Dick Grayson slipped through the window and interrupted.

I may have had an orgasm at this point. It may have been caused by seeing one Dick and feeling another. On another note, my shoes were ruined.

So Dick climbs in the window and he's all, "Who are you, hot African American youngster with the obvious erection in your slacks?!" And I was all, "He's the guy who's going to take my innocence later tonight! If you, you know, want to help, I suppose that would be okay." And Luke was all, "Blargle flargle dargle whut whut WHUT?!" See, Diary, he hadn't heard that Dick Grayson had only faked his death like a big jerk. I mean, if you're going to fake your death, you don't do it the Batman way! You tell your friends! Especially your friends who want to have that benefits deal! You definitely tell that friend! Maybe you even whisper it sweetly into her vagina! Maybe you write a romantic poem about how much it's going to break your heart to have to leave and remain out of contact for awhile! Maybe you take pictures of your lonely penis and send them to a secret email account that this erotic friend registered to house all of her clandestine and adult missives! What you don't do is leave and not say anything which totally causes you to miss your chance at deflowering the most beautiful ass in Gotham because she's moved on to a guy who--let's face it--is actually much hotter than Dick Grayson! And possibly too hot for me! Good thing I have the superhero gimmick to bump up my hotness by a few points!

My mouth said no while my vagina said, "GURGLE SPLOOSH GARGLE WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR WATERFALL!"

Look, Diary. This is not the time and place for intellectual and philosophical quandaries! You're not where I write my code and work on my college thesis! I was at a wedding today! You're going to have to forgive me if my mind seems to be a bit more on getting laid than it usually is (which is usually a lot). I was in the testosterone cloud of two very sexy men! If the room had had a fainting couch, I would have fainted all over that thing! Probably immediately after hiking my dress up over my head while yelling, "You both have consent!"

AnySwayze, Diary, you won't be surprised when I tell you I went out the window with Dick Grayson. I mean, I was definitely going to be straddling Luke's muscular thighs later that night so I should probably give Dick one last chance at being my first! I deserved it! He didn't deserve it but I'm pretty sure I deserved it! Dick was always the most nimble and agile and competent Batkid. We all knew he would one day take over Batman's job and Gotham would be better for it. So there's no way he isn't also super duper competent at making clitorises swoon.

Oh my god he touches his penis with that finger!

Yes, I sparred on the roof in my bridesmaid gown with Dick. Don't start trying to guess how this story ends, Diary! I'm sure you're thinking I lost the ring and didn't realize it and almost ruined the wedding but then Dick surreptitiously gets the ring back to me just before Alysia murders me with her eyeballs. I'm telling this story and you'll learn how many people I had sex with before I'm done! Just hold your pages!

Dick took the ring right off of my neck, Diary. He did it so that I'd chase him. He never could just have a simple conversation. It was always sentence, jump onto a roof, half a sentence, back flip into midair, half a sentence, swing on a pole, two sentences, land on awning, half a sentence, triple flip to sidewalk, finish the sentence, super hot smile. I knew I couldn't chase him across Gotham in my dress so I quickly got into my Batgirl suit and went off after him.

I would like to say it ended in super awesome sex but...well, you've read my other entries, Diary. You know how hurt I was when he barely acknowledged me while alive, how much my heart broke when he died, how much I found out my heart still could break when I found out he was alive...and now he was reaching out to me. Now. After he saw me with another guy. Has he been spying on me with his Spyral eyes?! Anyway. Why now, Dick? Why admit that you've had feelings for me all this time? Why tell me when...Christ, Diary. Just...just fucking Christ.

Oh yeah. He's got it bad.

I forgot to mention that Grump Canary was playing the wedding and reception. At least now that Dinah has the music gig, she's stopped giving me a hard time about burning all of her raggedy clothes!

AnySwayze, I made it back in time to be the hottest bridesmaid of the year! Dinah was all, "When I have a wedding, I'm going to call my bridesmaids 'birdsmaids!'", and nobody laughed! Well, okay, maybe some people laughed. But I totally didn't! Although I have to admit that would be a fun wedding. Strix and I would ruin that wedding cake! As long as Dinah wasn't getting married to that idiot Condor! I'd probably have to decline to be in that blasphemy of romance.

So then the wedding happened and it was all, "I do!", and "I do!", and big gay kiss! It was super romantic if you're into that kind of thing and everybody was weepy and joyous and all that crap. If you want the details, you should probably contact Alysia's or Jo's Diary, Diary. I'm not going to go into all the details of somebody else's big day that totally didn't involve me at all and made my vagina feel like a cavernous death trap that no man dare enter. I mean, the ceremony was cute and whatever.

And then I came home early in the morning and wrote this entry because Luke Fox is a gentleman. Ugh. Why am I always meeting gentlemen?! Before Dick arrived, he was all "I have a one track mind!" and "I like to say things that sound like I'm suggesting we fuck but I'm really just talking about things that aren't fucking at all! Ha ha!" And then Dick knocked Luke off of his game and now here I am all alone! Stupid Grayson. He owes me one huge orgasm!

Batgirl #45 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book is cute even though I would like it to be dirty. It is entertaining but needs more fucking in it. Sometimes the crime happens and Batgirl must change into her outfit but she never gets out of her underpants on-panel. That is a mistake that should be corrected. Luke Fox never showed his penis and that was okay but more people would have purchased this issue if he showed his penis. DC Comics should listen to my advice and make their comic books with more sex in them. Sometimes the sex could even be boring and take place in only the missionary position with the woman on the bottom. I would even enjoy that even though no animal on Earth does it in that manner. Maybe that is proof that mankind has a soul! Because they fuck in a weird and awkward position. You should read Batgirl even though it never attempts to make the reader horny. It is still a good comic book to enjoy.

Gotham Academy #11

Scary!

Thank goodness this issue isn't about Shakespeare so I don't have to pretend not to know anything about Shakespeare while discussing it. Hopefully it's about William Butler Yeats because I really don't know anything about William Butler Yeats. At least not about his poems from the young version of himself. I prefer when he gets older and writes poems discussing how, since he's old, he's forgotten all of the mysterious symbols he used throughout his career that caused most of his poetry to not make any sense at all unless you had dozens of supplementary materials like letters Yeats wrote telling people what the fuck he was talking about. Some people probably think William Butler Yeats is their favorite poet because they heard "The Second Coming" once read at the beginning of an episode of Heroes but they're wrong. Because William Butler Yeats is incomprehensible to anybody not willing to study him for four or five years straight. Occasionally he'll write five or six lines in a row that don't have anything to do with gyres or a local news story that time has forgotten or the history of the architecture of a tower or lions or Irish mythic heroes and they'll actually make me cry (except not really because Pshaw! Boys don't cry!). Stupid Yeats. What a jerko!

The Pizza Detective Club are headed into Downtown Gotham to skip a Gotham Academy tennis tournament against Metropolis High. Instead of watching Kyle get his ass kicked by Alexander Luthor or whatever robot kid they're going to use to cheat, the Pizza Detective Club are going to look for clues to the Mystery of Calamity Silverlock! Is she dead? Is she alive? Is she just a hallucination brought on by Olive's pent-up sexual frustration causing her to lash out with pyrokinetic lust blasts? That's probably the problem.

Maps has come up with a plan to discover more clues to the mystery.

The plan's not really that good. It doesn't even have any practice kissing in it.

The girls almost get caught breaking into City Hall by a security guard practicing to be a radio personality. True Story That May or May Not Be True Because The Caveat May Be All I Have To Save My Dignity When Somebody Asks Me If The Masturbating In The Sink Story Was True: You know those "tests" they give kids in high school to determine what career they might best be suited for? I got radio DJ. Fuck you, test. That was an insulting answer! I suppose I only got Radio DJ because Arrogant Internet Blogger wasn't a potential career when I took that test.

Olive and Maps make it to the records room where Olive instantly finds the files on her family because nobody wants to read three pages of the girls searching through files. While Olive searches for clues, Maps makes a new friend.

Just put Maps in a Robin costume already. Preferably the original one.

Red Robin reveals to Maps that practically every kid in Gotham is now calling themselves a Robin. I guess Maps could go the generic route and just slap an "R" on her chest and pretend she's part of the movement. But she has a real Batarang! She's now been acknowledged by two actual Robins that she has what it takes! When Batman returns, he'd better give Maps a chance to kick at his side! Maps isn't the type of person that can keep a secret about anything she's super excited about, so she mentions that Olive is currently stealing records on Calamity. Red Robin was about to steal some records too, so he isn't too concerned with that part of the story. But he does warn Maps to be careful around Calamity and then tells her a story about how Dick Grayson was totally almost killed by Calamity because he wasn't as good a Robin as Tim Drake was.

In Tim's story, Dick is actually kind of a hero so I guess I was thinking of the way Damian would tell the story. Anyway, Batman and Robin stopped Calamity, discovered she was Sybil Silverlock, threw her in Arkham to keep everybody safe, and then realized they'd orphaned her kid. So they stuck Olive in Gotham Academy where Batman could keep an eye on her to make sure she didn't turn into the next Calamity.

Olive discovers that more than just her mom went about burning Gotham as Calamity. Pretty much all of her relatives gave it a go at one time or another. And then Olive makes a new friend.

What rough beast slouches toward...oh, you know it's a lion!

Maps and Red Robin drive off Calamity even though Olive would have preferred if they'd left her alone so she could hug her. Calamity drops a piece of a key before fleeing before the wrath of Maps. Red Robin leaves but not before giving Maps false hope about her chances of working with Batman. Not because she isn't good enough but because Batman is on a mental vacation right now. Meanwhile, Pom and Colton have discovered that Kyle disappeared before the tournament. The only clue to his disappearance is another piece of a key left in his locker. The pieces fit together to create a key to Arkham Asylum. Too bad Arkham Asylum is just debris at the bottom of a huge sinkhole! Otherwise the key might have been a good clue!

Gotham Academy #11 Rating: No change. I get it, Becky and Brenden. Maps is enthusiastic. Maps is overly enthusiastic even! It's adorable. But it's more adorable in small doses. Don't make me burn out on Maps because you realize she's the surprise hit of the DC Season. Don't turn Gotham Academy into all Urkel episodes of Family Matters. She should be treated as a limited resource. Fill up a bunch of pages with Pomeline and Olive flirting nastily before throwing in a few panels of Maps getting super excited about playing Dungeons and Dragons. Seriously. Why are you holding back with the Olive/Pomeline loss of innocence story? The Maps thing is a cute smokescreen to distract the prudes away from the real meat of this comic book but you've used too much smoke! I can't see the horny older teens experimenting with their newly found feelings full of erotic overtones! I know it's there! I know it's happening! Stop turning the camera on Maps (even though she's totally cute and adorable and not into Yeats' poetry). Give me some PomOlive already!

Batgirl #44

Sploosh.

Dear Diary,
I have so much to tell you that I'm holding in a mega-pee so that I can write this bit before I run off to write the rest of the entry on the toilet because that's how long it's going to take to release all of the pee I'm holding. And the farts. So many farts. But you'll understand why all of the blocked up farts when I finish this. So. Many. Many. Farts.

So remember last entry how I fought a tiger because I'm the baddest-ass bitch in Gotham? Remember how I kicked it's ass but not too hard because it was adorable and I didn't want to hurt it. I bet Batman would have hurt it because Batman is a Bat-asshole. So those tigers were like a total clue in The Case of the Tigers Who Were Eating People. I was all, "A-ha! It was the Tiger who ate the people!" At that point, some detectives would have been all, "Where is my big red 'Case Solved' stamp because this case has been solved?" Then they would have locked up the tiger and went back to eating danishes and lecturing their daughters and trying to bang Batwoman and embarrassing themselves in front of Catwoman. I think that references all of the police in Gotham that are not also working for God. But not this girl with the super fine and tight ass! I don't mean tight butthole although that's probably pretty tight too although how tight can it be when I've actually clogged a Las Vegas hotel toilet with just my poo? I mean, those things must be made to flush dismembered bodies and I blocked one up with just the poo that came out of my petite little butthole! If a guy put his penis in my butthole, would he even feel anything?! Now I'm worried about what Lucas Fox will think of me when we totally do anal later and he'll be all, "Am I in? I don't think I'm in. Is it possible I just stuck my penis in a wind tunnel?!"

Hey Diary? What base is anal anyway? Is that an inside the park homerun? I want to know how to slyly refer to getting anal from Luke when I tell Alysia and Frankie all about it. But not Dinah! I'm never telling that big whore any secrets anymore ever! She was totally supposed to send me a Black Canary t-shirt like two weeks ago and here I am still shirtless and unhip. How is everybody going to know that I was like the first huge fan of Black Canary if I don't even have one of their original shirts with the sleeves and neck cut off?!

AnySwayze, Diary, I should probably tell you what happened. It all started when Alysia called me and was all, "GBG! My fiance has totally disappeared and I don't know the phone number for the police! I know your father is like some police guy so you probably know the number. Can you call it after you've called the bakery to make sure the wedding cake is ready?" And I was all, "No problem! Batgirl to the rescue!" And Alysia was all, "Oh! Yeah, that's a great idea! Can you get Batman instead though!?" And I was all, "How dare you!" And then I went to find Jo because Jo's disappearance was linked to The Case of the Tigers Who Were Eating People! A case that was just about to be solved!

Where's my big red "Case Solved" stamp because this case has been solved!

The Velvet Tiger had kidnapped Jo and sent the tigers out to eat people! It was obvious by the length of her skirt and the cum stains around her mouth that she was a villain and the girlfriend of Jeremy! She was also way hotter than me. What is up with every woman in this city being sexier than I am?! No wonder I'm still a virgin. I need to move to Metropolis!

Look at that?! How is my toilet-clogging-poo launching butthole supposed to compete with that?! I want to stick my tongue in that and I'm a huge hetero!

So Velvet Tiger escaped under mysterious circumstances that had nothing to do with anybody's incompetence at all. That meant it was time to sneak into Fox Tek to see if Luke was maybe showering or something. Hopefully something which involved his dick being out, like looking at porn or eating a sandwich. Instead I ran into Qadir who had recently received a package clearing his name in The Case of the Tigers Who Were Eating People. The return address was Delphi which meant it was from Frankie since it referenced the name she's apparently decided upon but nobody has yet voiced. Why is everybody so afraid to say we should call Frankie "Oracle"?! What is wrong with us?! It's so contrived it makes me wonder if my own existence isn't just some fantasy world cooked up by some goofball hipster and his sexy old artist named Babs who would probably totally want to kiss all over the fictional blogger who critiques their fantasy publication.

Okay, so the next part is where Qadir and Luke don't fight over me and I don't say, "Hey guys! No problem! Plenty of orifices to go around!" Instead it's just the part where they prove that Jeremy's girlfriend is The Velvet Tiger and I was all, "Pshaw! Way ahead of you! Now watch me run from the room and tell me if I do it as well as The Velvet Tiger, guys!"

Dammit! That ass is cute and all but I don't think any tongues are putting on their helmet lamps.

This part makes my vagina sad, Diary, so I hope you can manage the proper somber tone while I tell it to you. Jeremy helped The Velvet Tiger with information that enabled her to pull off The Case of the Tigers Who Were Eating People. So that's one probably too old for me but I would have accepted it anyway penis out of the running for making me a woman. I wouldn't mind having sex with a guy ten years older than me but not with a criminal! Who does Jeremy think I am? Batman?! I don't need a sexy nemesis ruining my vagina's good reputation!

AnySwayze, I found out where The Velvet Tiger's lair was and ran off to save the day. Of course Alysia was waiting outside the residence because she'd tracked Jo down as well. Is everybody in Gotham the World's Greatest Detective?! How are they all beating me to all the punches?! No wonder I can't get laid! Just like Batgirl, my vadge is late to all the fruitcake parties! I told Alysia to wait in the car because I'd be so embarrassed if she was also a better super hero than I was! Then I took a page out of Batman's Manual of Entering Buildings The Wayne Window and Door Repair Way while saying the most awesome and hilarious line you've ever heard anybody say outside of a Spider-man comic book!

My line was totally more cutting and witty than this but I just can't remember it verbatim! I'm pretty sure I also said "slut" a lot more in the original line.

But that line doesn't matter anyway because I totally kicked that bitch's ass. Also Alysia snuck in to save Jo while I was fighting which was totally okay by me because I got to give her a Big Manga Wink like I love to do! Usually I say it after I say something kind of dirty and don't actually do the wink. I usually say something like, "Oh Luke! Your meat is so hard and savory. Big Manga Wink!" Also Luke probably just said something romantic like, "Babs, munching your vadge is like gargling distilled water infused with saffron!"

Dear Diary, I am not going to tell you about the part where I said "Bring it" because I'm super embarrassed about it and I'm lying about it happening and it never happened in any timeline ever. Period. Shut up.

Also maybe I was fudging the truth about kicking Velvet Tiger's ass. She kind of stuck me with tranquilizer dart I'd already stuck in one of the tigers which made me sleepy and now I probably have Tiger AIDS. But she was all, "Now that you are nearly unconscious and unable to fight in much the way I'm unable to fight even when fully conscious, I will kill and eat you like Cunty McSlutbitch the Third!" She totally said that.

Two cleavers! And I thought my butthole was big!

So just before I died, my Batgirl Cycle (the motor bike! Not the menstruation!) crashed through the window, knocked out Velvet Tiger, and saved my life! The police cleaned up the mess over danishes and worrying about their daughter and fantasizing about Batwoman and I went on to the part of the story that made me hold my pee and farts in for like hours.

Oh my goodness! Who knew the vagina could make so much moisture?!

At least now I know there will be one heterosexual dude at the wedding! Look out, cherry! Here comes Luke's penis!

Batgirl #44 Rating: +1 Ranking. If you don't like Batgirl, you're probably uptight or something. You're probably the kind of person I could call on the phone when I'm about to barbecue some kebabs and say, "Hey! I need some sticks! Bring your ass over here!" Also I probably shouldn't review comic books by insulting people who don't really like a comic book for probably not very legitimate reasons but reasons nonetheless. I should probably say nice things like, "I know you didn't like the comic and that you're really smart and totally wicked good in the sack but maybe you should try reading Batgirl again, you stupid idiot." That's probably a pretty good blurb for the trade paperback! Hey DC Comics? Are you ever going to use one of my blurbs?! They're the best you're ever going to get! None of that boring Comic Book Resources shit where they say things like "It's a comic book that I read!" when they have to review a terrible book by Scott Lobdell.

Gotham Academy #10

"Out, vile jelly!"

I knew the scene on the cover was expecting a Shakespeare quote but the only one I know is "Out, vile jelly!" I think it comes from that scene in Othello where he whines on about having loved too well which is just the most pathetic excuse for killing your lover. Unless it's actually that scene where Lady Macbeth is looking in the fridge and going crazy? "Out, vile jelly!" Yeah, that fits the context better. Although I suppose Othello could be trying to roll Ophelia's corpse out of a window while whispering, "Out, vile jelly! Where is they lustre now?" Oh! I remembered more of the quote! I'm a literary genius!

The most Shakespeare I ever committed to memory was something by Fabian in a scene from "Twelfth Night" for a class. Unless Othello's final speech was longer. But who can remember stuff you memorized years ago? It's all just sound and fury now, signifying memory loss. At least I can still impress people with that vile jelly line.

This issue begins with Olive and Pomeline fleeing from the Gotham Academy theater which exploded into flames when they entered. It was probably Olive's fault since she's a firestarter prone to hallucinations of her mother suggesting she burn shit down.

Mr. Trent, the director of the theater, believes the tragedy was due to his arrogance in trying to perform Macbeth which is like super cursed or something. It's so cursed that I think you're not even allowed to say the name of the play inside of a theater. That makes it really hard to perform because occasionally one of the characters in the play will say Macbeth and they aren't allowed to run outside during those scenes and shout their lines from just beyond the doorway.

Mr. Trent assumes that everybody who left the theater so that they wouldn't die in the fire have quit the play. So when Olive comes along and offers to perform it with her friends as a pretense to investigate her mother's ghost living in the balcony, Mr. Trent jumps at the offer.

Katherine is Maps' roommate who is probably a ghoul, as I pointed out last commentary.

Katherine gets shunted aside and ignored because she's so sweaty and plain. Maybe she's Clayface just trying to live out his dreams of acting while also being a young girl. That's one of my dreams too! Except minus the acting part.

Olive, Pom, and Maps rehearse the scene with the three witches that not once has the phrase "Out, vile jelly!" in it. I think the witches throw some vile jelly in the pot though, specifically of the newted variety. But during the scene, Trent calls a stop to the rehearsal because the light boy keeps missing his cues. Those light guys! They're constantly getting distracted with their goof offs and spontaneous naps. My friend Doom Bunny did lighting for the Santa Clara Junior Theater for a number of years and he once almost burned down the entire place by running a windmill in the opening scene of The Wizard of Oz until it caught fire. Sure, he noticed the engine on the thing smoking like crazy but he just kept running it faster and faster because the audience had to know a tornado was coming somehow, right? What did Doom Bunny care that I was standing behind Dorothy's house right next to the windmill?! It could have blown up in my face! Instead, it caught fire right before the stage manager and I had to spin the house at the end of the scene. Luckily the Scarecrow wasn't a method actor because as the curtain closed, he ran onstage with a fire extinguisher and put out the flames. Unluckily for Dorothy and Toto, everybody forgot they were in the house when the stage was evacuated. I guess they would have burned to death if the fire had gotten out of hand. But that's the price you pay for being an actor!

I wonder if the fire began because I was walking around backstage mumbling, "Macbeth! Macbeth! Macbeth! Macbeth!"?

Eric the light guy (you remember Eric, right? The kid that has a crush on Maps who sometimes draws her role playing characters for her?) is freaking out because he's afraid of the Phantom of Gotham Academy's Theater and Arts Program. He swears it's been ruining the play and sabotaging everything. I bet it's not a real phantom at all. It's probably just an old white guy in a rubber mask that wants to buy the theater for cheap because a buried treasure is hidden in the basement. It's also possible that the phantom he thinks he keeps seeing is actually Katherine's real visage. Remember how I pointed out she was a ghoul in my last commentary? Remember?

No. I knew I hated Brenden Fletcher! I could tell by his sweater vests and stupid beard! Do not make Maps into just another character from CW's Arrow!

Maps is better than this! She's perky and upbeat and I'm pretty sure she knows her place as a younger friend of Olive's who knows Olive because she's the sister of Olive's ex-boyfriend. Of course Olive is going to tell certain things to a friend of similar age before she tells Maps! Who does Maps expect Olive to practice kissing with? Pom, of course! It would just be weird if she kissed her ex's younger sister! Plus if things go further than kissing, Pomeline is definitely the dirty whore you want to be experimenting with.

Maps is distracted from her nonsense feelings by Colton discovering some muddy footprints! They're the footprints of somebody the same basic size as Maps. Somebody like Katherine the ghoul and/or disguise for Clayface?! I guess Clayface keeps driving everybody out of the theater so that Trent will notice him (as Katherine) and finally give him a part in the play. It's the perfect kind of mystery for the Pizza Detective Club to solve! I just hope they actually get some pizza this time.

Later, Olive goes to rehearse the "Out, out vile jelly!" soliloquy when she's almost killed by the Phantom of Gotham Academy's Theater and Arts Program! Is this the speech where she says they've waded so far into jelly that it would be just as sticky to continue forward as to go back? Maybe Macbeth says that later. Or Hamlet perchance dreams that part.

The Pizza Detective Club give chase but the Phantom gets away! But it leaves a few clues behind and one of those clues is one of Maps's maps! And the only person who knew about those maps was Katherine!

Oh my god! I knew she was a ghoul and/or a vile jelly!

The Mystery Pizza Detective Club chase Katherine back to the theater where she reveals she's actually Clayface. Then he reveals his motivations for sabotaging the play because he's still a supervillain. And his motivations are fairly standard. Trent stole his best roles back when he was an actor. Also Trent stole his wife which just seems cruel after taking all of Clayface's jobs as well. Trent comes to the kids' rescue and forces Clayface into a Shakespeare off. It's all "Out, vile jelly!" this and "Out, vile jelly!" that! There's not even a single "Brave new world that has such people in it" which is a quote I just remembered I knew because I just finished reading Brave New World and that's like an important quote in that book for some reason.

Trent is defeated by Clayface's superior barding skills but Olive knows the killing quote!

Bah. It should have been "Out, vile jelly!"

Gross. Katherine was stuck up inside of Clayface this whole time? That's disgusting. Especially since she's his own daughter. She's a Karlo! I'm going to assume that Clayface fathered Katherine before he became a living pile of hangover poo because the scientific and biological questions would haunt me if it were otherwise. I guess Katherine will become the newest member of Mystery Pizza Detective Club! Although she'll probably just go unnoticed by everybody again as she just fades into the background. She's so plain!

Gotham Academy #10 Rating: +1 Ranking. This issue was exciting and beautiful and quite educational to boot! It taught me that Shakespeare doesn't make any sense at all. Who would say "Brevity is wit" and then go on to write more plays than anybody can read including a bunch of sonnets to some dark chick? Such a silly goose, that Marlowe. I mean Shakespeare! I don't have much more to say about this comic book because everybody is already reading it (right? I mean, how can somebody not be reading this? Those people must be awful, horrible people!). So let me finish with this statement so that it saves everybody from inundating me with messages and comments: I know which play "Out, vile jelly!" comes from. It's the one with the guy who named one of his daughters after a sexually transmitted disease.

Batgirl #43

Those tigers are probably so confused having to work together. "We aren't lions, asshole!" is probably what their union representative would roar.

Dear Diary,
What a couple of days! Who's going to pay to have the tiger slobber dry cleaned out of my ripped up cape?! I don't have the money to pay for a new uniform or stitches! I'm still forking over a good portion of any money I earn to pay for Dinah's burned down dojo! Couldn't she have been adult enough to have had insurance?! I guess she was too busy making googly vaginas at Condom. Maybe now that she's going to be swimming in money (due to everybody in the world having a poster of her band hanging on a wall in their house which means they must have purchased the EP), perhaps she'll let me off the hook for burning up her entire wardrobe (which totally needed replacing anyway because she has major Mom Fashion Disease). Anyswayze, I should probably tell you about the tigers, Diary!

It all started with a wedding being planned by me and Alysia. It was Alysia's wedding, Diary. Don't you think you'd know if it were my wedding? You'd know by all of the entries previous to the one about planning the wedding with in-depth, detailed descriptions about my soon-to-be husband's penis and all the things I've done with it and all the places I've put it. Have you noticed any of those entries, Diary? No, you haven't. Those entries are severely lacking. Oh, sure! You have tons of entries that end mid-sentence because I've worked myself up into a frenzy and have to go visit Mr. Massagy, my Japanese shower nozzle. "Pulse on! Pulse off!" he says to me in broken English in that special way that teaches me to defend myself while I'm masturbating.

The wedding planning was interrupted by Frankie calling me about a tiger attack in Gotham! Well, okay, that's not really so surprising that it absolutely needed an exclamation point to top it off. This is Gotham City, after all. Being mauled by exotic or hybrid animals is the fifth most common way to die here. Joker gas and incompetent care for injuries suffered while committing a crime interrupted by Batman top the list. Anyswayze, I had to run off and be Batgirl, so Alysia and Jo were going to have to finish planning their own stupid wedding at which I probably won't get laid because do they even know any hot straight men? Maybe Jo's father?!

I hope Jo isn't short for Joker! No, wait. I've met Jo. I've even seen Jo's vagina splayed out over a triple letter score. Eighteen points.

Although I might not need a wedding to finally get a professional dipstick to check my vaginal fluids because guess where the tiger attack took place, Diary?

Foxtek! Hello Luke Fox! Here I come! Hopefully multiple times!

I noticed Qadir secretly watching me and Luke from down the hall, so I flirted with Luke so Qadir could see that if he doesn't make a move on me and whip that nerdy penis out soon, I was going to be taking it hard in the ass from a super hot confident guy that's, honestly, probably way too much for me to handle. Luke is so good looking that he probably has sex on a constant, accidental basis. Women's vaginas probably fall out around him all of the time. "Whoops!" the women say with their beautiful big lips and tongues that know the secrets of male orgasm better than they know the pronunciation of most words. "I'd lose my vagina if it wasn't constantly in some guy's mouth! Tee hee." Gosh how I irrationally hate all women who have had any sex at all! Why are they so lucky?! How do I get a penis inside of this vagina?! You'd think it would be the easiest thing in the world the way they say guys are constantly thinking about sex. But it's never the right guy wanting to have sex with the right person (me!)! It's always that weird guy with the muffintop who thinks kissing my hand is charming! Or that guy who's shorter than me who would probably make a perfectly reasonable sexual partner for somebody who was into guys shorter than girls who are already pretty short to begin with! Or that guy who almost makes my girlhood quiver but he's got this stale kind of sour milk smell about him whenever I run into him at the coffee shop! Dude! Put on some cologne or something and we won't leave my bedroom for two weeks! And it's not like I'm overly picky! I hate when assholes point out that I could get laid any time I wanted because I'm a girl. Well, you know what? As a guy, you could get laid any time you want as well! Anybody could if they simply want to have the experience without actually being attracted to or interested in the person they choose to screw! For every five out there trying desperately to get laid by a seven, there are dozens and dozens of threes just hoping you'll give them a chance! But if a five won't give a three a chance, why are they hoping so hard to get a seven to notice them?! And what kind of five wants their first sexual experience to be with a three anyway?! I'm not saying I'm a five because that would be insulting. Have you seen my butt in this Batgirl outfit, Diary? It's a nine at least. Maybe I'm overvaluing my poon? What if I'm a three desperately trying to hook a nine?! Oh my gorkublort. Be right back, Diary!

Okay, I'm back from looking in the full-length mirror naked, Diary. I'm totally a nine (maybe a ten due to my exquisite freshness). Now I just need to find a nine who's not a cop who hates vigilantes or a one-legged car thief. Qadir might just be a six but he's a six that this nine would definitely sandbag for. I can six myself up so he feels confident enough to ask me out! I mean, if my total nine hotness fails to catch Luke's interests.

My Qadir techno-whatever checked Foxtek's system to discover that Qadir was the only one in and out of the building around the time of the tiger attack!

My flirt plan was working, Diary! And I think my Batgirl Cycle is inflatable.

Meanwhile at my work-school, I literally ran into Jeremy "Too Old For Me But A Girl's Vagina Can Dream, Can't It?" Degroot. He was being a huge jerk because he's having girl problems which could mean my vadge is in luck! How better to enter the world of promise and promiscuity than by banging an older man with experience who's totally cute and into me but having so many problems that he'll probably be all, "This was a mistake. I'm not really emotionally available to start a new relationship right now!" Although when I respond by being all, "Cool! Super cool! Can we just do that thing we did one more time before we never do it again?", he'll probably be all weird that I didn't fall in love with him and then become Mr. Super Stalker Extreme. Maybe to make sure he leaves me alone, I'll have to fake cry a bit when he says we can't have a romantic relationship. He might handle it better if he thinks he used me for my naive love Sarlacc instead of realizing that I actually used him for his experienced boner.

While talking with Nadimah at work-school, I overheard a news report about another tiger attack. Isn't it weird, Diary, that news programs always seem to be playing exactly the right thing at exactly the right place so that I find out the information I need for the mystery I'm trying to solve? If only my love life could be so serendipitous!

I went to investigate the second tiger attack and wound up having a bit of a confrontation with my partner and roommate instead.

I may have come off as a little bit of a control freak. Can you blame me? I was trained by Bat-Master-Control-Freak-Of-The-Entire-Freaking-Universe-Man!

Later while I ignored Alysia trying on wedding gowns (who was she kidding? She looked firking hotter than everybody in everything she tried on. She could hang a couple of doilies off of her tits and she'd be the most beautiful bride in the world. Slut!), I did some research and figured out who the next tiger was going to attack! So I rushed out to beat up a tiger! I bet Alysia and Jo would be pissed to hear I'm beating up endangered animals! Or maybe not because it might turn out that Jo was behind the whole tiger attack thing as some kind of crazy protest slash art installation! Her name is half of The Joker's name, remember? Remember how I pointed that out earlier, Diary? I'm just trying to seed this story with drama and tension to keep it interesting. Is the bad person somebody close to me? Is it somebody the audience wouldn't suspect?! What if it's an alternate version of me again, right? It could be! Who knows?!

Anyswayze, that fight with the tiger is why I was complaining about my outfit and skin being ruined earlier. Ugh. Battling tigers is not fun. King of the Jungle, amirite? No joke! It's almost as if somebody spent millions of years perfecting this creature so that it would be the perfect hunter! So if there is a God, let me say right now: God, you suck. Thanks for making an animal that's like the perfect creature to kill your chosen species. Nice one. Dick.

And then you'll never believe what happened, Diary!

Frankie like totally blamed Jeremy! Doesn't Frankie realize that 95% of my enemies are female? So it's obviously Jeremy's ex-girlfriend. Duh! Also Frankie stole my Batgirl cowl while I was sleeping off my tiger wounds.

To top it all off, Frankie visited Qadir while wearing my Batgirl cowl! In a much sexier outfit than my Batgirl outfit! Ew! Now my flirt game with Luke Fox is going to totally backfire because a super hot new Batgirl is actually speaking to Qadir. I'm so mad at that slut! I mean, not really because I totally love her and crap. But my vagina might never forgive her if Qadir decides he wants to bang Batgirl's Sidekick, Sexy Hot Batgirl.

I can't even blame Qadir! I'd fuck Frankie over me too! Why, as a probable Nine, do I insist on hanging around with definite Tens?!

Anyway, it turned out that Jo was involved with the tiger attacks although not in a totally bad way or anything. She and her activist group thought they were saving the tigers from some kind of horrible circus life or something. But instead, they were just being used by the newest addition to my Rogue's Gallery: The Velvet Tiger! She's actually really flipping hot and I'm totally jealous and now, because she's probably Jeremy's ex, completely too intimidated to have sex with Jeremy. If he was banging a woman who calls herself the Velvet Tiger, I'll probably be more like the Rain-Soaked Kitten. My life is the worst.

Batgirl #43 Rating: +1 Ranking. Barbara Gordon knows a lot of people who get themselves involved in a lot of drama. I guess it's easier to keep Gotham safe when you're protecting it from your friends and your friends' acquaintances. At least it cuts down on all that boring patrolling Batman loves to do. I'm a fan of all the changes that have gone down with Batgirl because I'm a fan of any time a character gets to have fun. But I wish the comic book spent more time with Batgirl trying to get laid. I want to read more about how horny she is and how she never gets any. I want her to be a total embarrassing goofball that constantly fails to seal the deal because she's such a desperate nerd. I'd also like to see her engage in habits and activities that aren't nerdy cool but just plain weird and nerdy. Why can't Batgirl's secret identity just be Liz Lemon? I'd buy three copies of that comic book every month.