Batgirl #43

Those tigers are probably so confused having to work together. "We aren't lions, asshole!" is probably what their union representative would roar.

Dear Diary,
What a couple of days! Who's going to pay to have the tiger slobber dry cleaned out of my ripped up cape?! I don't have the money to pay for a new uniform or stitches! I'm still forking over a good portion of any money I earn to pay for Dinah's burned down dojo! Couldn't she have been adult enough to have had insurance?! I guess she was too busy making googly vaginas at Condom. Maybe now that she's going to be swimming in money (due to everybody in the world having a poster of her band hanging on a wall in their house which means they must have purchased the EP), perhaps she'll let me off the hook for burning up her entire wardrobe (which totally needed replacing anyway because she has major Mom Fashion Disease). Anyswayze, I should probably tell you about the tigers, Diary!

It all started with a wedding being planned by me and Alysia. It was Alysia's wedding, Diary. Don't you think you'd know if it were my wedding? You'd know by all of the entries previous to the one about planning the wedding with in-depth, detailed descriptions about my soon-to-be husband's penis and all the things I've done with it and all the places I've put it. Have you noticed any of those entries, Diary? No, you haven't. Those entries are severely lacking. Oh, sure! You have tons of entries that end mid-sentence because I've worked myself up into a frenzy and have to go visit Mr. Massagy, my Japanese shower nozzle. "Pulse on! Pulse off!" he says to me in broken English in that special way that teaches me to defend myself while I'm masturbating.

The wedding planning was interrupted by Frankie calling me about a tiger attack in Gotham! Well, okay, that's not really so surprising that it absolutely needed an exclamation point to top it off. This is Gotham City, after all. Being mauled by exotic or hybrid animals is the fifth most common way to die here. Joker gas and incompetent care for injuries suffered while committing a crime interrupted by Batman top the list. Anyswayze, I had to run off and be Batgirl, so Alysia and Jo were going to have to finish planning their own stupid wedding at which I probably won't get laid because do they even know any hot straight men? Maybe Jo's father?!

I hope Jo isn't short for Joker! No, wait. I've met Jo. I've even seen Jo's vagina splayed out over a triple letter score. Eighteen points.

Although I might not need a wedding to finally get a professional dipstick to check my vaginal fluids because guess where the tiger attack took place, Diary?

Foxtek! Hello Luke Fox! Here I come! Hopefully multiple times!

I noticed Qadir secretly watching me and Luke from down the hall, so I flirted with Luke so Qadir could see that if he doesn't make a move on me and whip that nerdy penis out soon, I was going to be taking it hard in the ass from a super hot confident guy that's, honestly, probably way too much for me to handle. Luke is so good looking that he probably has sex on a constant, accidental basis. Women's vaginas probably fall out around him all of the time. "Whoops!" the women say with their beautiful big lips and tongues that know the secrets of male orgasm better than they know the pronunciation of most words. "I'd lose my vagina if it wasn't constantly in some guy's mouth! Tee hee." Gosh how I irrationally hate all women who have had any sex at all! Why are they so lucky?! How do I get a penis inside of this vagina?! You'd think it would be the easiest thing in the world the way they say guys are constantly thinking about sex. But it's never the right guy wanting to have sex with the right person (me!)! It's always that weird guy with the muffintop who thinks kissing my hand is charming! Or that guy who's shorter than me who would probably make a perfectly reasonable sexual partner for somebody who was into guys shorter than girls who are already pretty short to begin with! Or that guy who almost makes my girlhood quiver but he's got this stale kind of sour milk smell about him whenever I run into him at the coffee shop! Dude! Put on some cologne or something and we won't leave my bedroom for two weeks! And it's not like I'm overly picky! I hate when assholes point out that I could get laid any time I wanted because I'm a girl. Well, you know what? As a guy, you could get laid any time you want as well! Anybody could if they simply want to have the experience without actually being attracted to or interested in the person they choose to screw! For every five out there trying desperately to get laid by a seven, there are dozens and dozens of threes just hoping you'll give them a chance! But if a five won't give a three a chance, why are they hoping so hard to get a seven to notice them?! And what kind of five wants their first sexual experience to be with a three anyway?! I'm not saying I'm a five because that would be insulting. Have you seen my butt in this Batgirl outfit, Diary? It's a nine at least. Maybe I'm overvaluing my poon? What if I'm a three desperately trying to hook a nine?! Oh my gorkublort. Be right back, Diary!

Okay, I'm back from looking in the full-length mirror naked, Diary. I'm totally a nine (maybe a ten due to my exquisite freshness). Now I just need to find a nine who's not a cop who hates vigilantes or a one-legged car thief. Qadir might just be a six but he's a six that this nine would definitely sandbag for. I can six myself up so he feels confident enough to ask me out! I mean, if my total nine hotness fails to catch Luke's interests.

My Qadir techno-whatever checked Foxtek's system to discover that Qadir was the only one in and out of the building around the time of the tiger attack!

My flirt plan was working, Diary! And I think my Batgirl Cycle is inflatable.

Meanwhile at my work-school, I literally ran into Jeremy "Too Old For Me But A Girl's Vagina Can Dream, Can't It?" Degroot. He was being a huge jerk because he's having girl problems which could mean my vadge is in luck! How better to enter the world of promise and promiscuity than by banging an older man with experience who's totally cute and into me but having so many problems that he'll probably be all, "This was a mistake. I'm not really emotionally available to start a new relationship right now!" Although when I respond by being all, "Cool! Super cool! Can we just do that thing we did one more time before we never do it again?", he'll probably be all weird that I didn't fall in love with him and then become Mr. Super Stalker Extreme. Maybe to make sure he leaves me alone, I'll have to fake cry a bit when he says we can't have a romantic relationship. He might handle it better if he thinks he used me for my naive love Sarlacc instead of realizing that I actually used him for his experienced boner.

While talking with Nadimah at work-school, I overheard a news report about another tiger attack. Isn't it weird, Diary, that news programs always seem to be playing exactly the right thing at exactly the right place so that I find out the information I need for the mystery I'm trying to solve? If only my love life could be so serendipitous!

I went to investigate the second tiger attack and wound up having a bit of a confrontation with my partner and roommate instead.

I may have come off as a little bit of a control freak. Can you blame me? I was trained by Bat-Master-Control-Freak-Of-The-Entire-Freaking-Universe-Man!

Later while I ignored Alysia trying on wedding gowns (who was she kidding? She looked firking hotter than everybody in everything she tried on. She could hang a couple of doilies off of her tits and she'd be the most beautiful bride in the world. Slut!), I did some research and figured out who the next tiger was going to attack! So I rushed out to beat up a tiger! I bet Alysia and Jo would be pissed to hear I'm beating up endangered animals! Or maybe not because it might turn out that Jo was behind the whole tiger attack thing as some kind of crazy protest slash art installation! Her name is half of The Joker's name, remember? Remember how I pointed that out earlier, Diary? I'm just trying to seed this story with drama and tension to keep it interesting. Is the bad person somebody close to me? Is it somebody the audience wouldn't suspect?! What if it's an alternate version of me again, right? It could be! Who knows?!

Anyswayze, that fight with the tiger is why I was complaining about my outfit and skin being ruined earlier. Ugh. Battling tigers is not fun. King of the Jungle, amirite? No joke! It's almost as if somebody spent millions of years perfecting this creature so that it would be the perfect hunter! So if there is a God, let me say right now: God, you suck. Thanks for making an animal that's like the perfect creature to kill your chosen species. Nice one. Dick.

And then you'll never believe what happened, Diary!

Frankie like totally blamed Jeremy! Doesn't Frankie realize that 95% of my enemies are female? So it's obviously Jeremy's ex-girlfriend. Duh! Also Frankie stole my Batgirl cowl while I was sleeping off my tiger wounds.

To top it all off, Frankie visited Qadir while wearing my Batgirl cowl! In a much sexier outfit than my Batgirl outfit! Ew! Now my flirt game with Luke Fox is going to totally backfire because a super hot new Batgirl is actually speaking to Qadir. I'm so mad at that slut! I mean, not really because I totally love her and crap. But my vagina might never forgive her if Qadir decides he wants to bang Batgirl's Sidekick, Sexy Hot Batgirl.

I can't even blame Qadir! I'd fuck Frankie over me too! Why, as a probable Nine, do I insist on hanging around with definite Tens?!

Anyway, it turned out that Jo was involved with the tiger attacks although not in a totally bad way or anything. She and her activist group thought they were saving the tigers from some kind of horrible circus life or something. But instead, they were just being used by the newest addition to my Rogue's Gallery: The Velvet Tiger! She's actually really flipping hot and I'm totally jealous and now, because she's probably Jeremy's ex, completely too intimidated to have sex with Jeremy. If he was banging a woman who calls herself the Velvet Tiger, I'll probably be more like the Rain-Soaked Kitten. My life is the worst.

Batgirl #43 Rating: +1 Ranking. Barbara Gordon knows a lot of people who get themselves involved in a lot of drama. I guess it's easier to keep Gotham safe when you're protecting it from your friends and your friends' acquaintances. At least it cuts down on all that boring patrolling Batman loves to do. I'm a fan of all the changes that have gone down with Batgirl because I'm a fan of any time a character gets to have fun. But I wish the comic book spent more time with Batgirl trying to get laid. I want to read more about how horny she is and how she never gets any. I want her to be a total embarrassing goofball that constantly fails to seal the deal because she's such a desperate nerd. I'd also like to see her engage in habits and activities that aren't nerdy cool but just plain weird and nerdy. Why can't Batgirl's secret identity just be Liz Lemon? I'd buy three copies of that comic book every month.

Batgirl #42

I'm just shocked by her outfit.

Dear Diary,
Frankie didn't fall in the shower at all. It was a fall-se alarm! Ha ha! Anyswayze, where did I leave off? Oh yeah! My dad, Honey Bunny Batdad, was about to try and arrest me! ME?! His own flesh and blood?! The next time he calls me, I might not tell him I love him before I hang up!

A little hot piece of electricity had just escaped from Batdad's clutches and then he figured he needed to arrest somebody so he decided to take it out on me. What did I do?! Is it suddenly illegal to wear a Batgirl costume while being attacked by a supervillain?! Even if Batdad is hunting vigilantes, it doesn't mean I'm one of them! When did Batdad get so bad at police work? I could have been anybody in that costume! It could have been the first time I put the costume on to show it off at the arcade and maybe get laid but then I was attacked by a girl made out of electricity and was just trying not to die! He can't arrest me for that?!

Another reason he couldn't arrest me? I'm the Gosh-darned Batgirl!

Also he kind of gave me a chance to leave because I'm pretty sure Batdad knows I'm his daughter. I mean, he's seen me grow up for twenty years and now he wouldn't recognize me because I have a little bit of leather covering the bridge of my nose?! I mean, I don't even hide my hair! If he doesn't know I'm Batgirl, it's only because he doesn't want to know I'm Batgirl and he's using that special power that parents have which lets them deny to themselves that their child can participate in any activity that the parent wouldn't want them participating in. Not like my dad ever had to use that part of his brain before because no guy in high school ever let me pretend to fall asleep on their couch past curfew.

I'm too pretty to go to jail! My cherries would never survive!

Batdad let me go that time but his "superiors" might begin to question why the power in his cameras goes out every time he encounters Batgirl, so I might have to be more careful. Although he really should just stay out of Burnside! It's not like the crime rate here is anything that rates on a Batman Crime Scale. Here in Burnside, people just dress bad, drink cheap beer, and roll their eyes a lot. I figured that I could probably risk going after Livewire as Batgirl, so Frankie and I began researching the super villain. Maybe she can become my Nemesister! I need a Joker of my own! Although not a literal Joker because even when Batman defeats that guy, half of Gotham dies. I just want to battle somebody who is into dangerous pranks or financial misdemeanors!

Before hunting Livewire and probably saving Batdad in the process so he'll say, "Thank you, Batgirl! I am sorry I ever doubted your ability to protect this city! And I apologize for grounding you that time when you called from the Mini-Golf course to say you'd be late and I said I didn't care why you were going to be late and that you'd be in trouble if you didn't make curfew! I always knew you were a good, honest girl who wasn't out getting into trouble and I should never have treated you like you were another James Junior! You're my favorite child and the best woman in the world!", I stopped by to see Qadir. I should start calling him Qa-Dear! Or Qa-Darling! I know I'm totally going to lose my virginal curse to his nerdy penis! Cross my fingers!

Oh no wait! Maybe I'd rather give my cherry bushel to Luke Fox! GOOOSH!

I'm pretty sure since about fourteen, the amount of time I spend writing about getting laid in my Diary has increased exponentially. If I don't get laid soon, every sentence is just going to be "Somebody please fuck this beautiful bat-ass already!" Then I'll probably have tons and tons of penises scribbled into the margins (especially now that I've actually seen one and know exactly what they look like! Thank you, Lenny Kravitz! Also, who knew they looked so much like a Snausage?). Actually, I've seen lots and lots of penises! Sometimes I wish I had a penis! I bet it feels so good when a cute girl looks at it! Oh! I bet it feels really good when a cute boy looks at my lovely lava pit! I should try to get that to happen as few minutes after I meet Luke Fox as possible!

Um, so, later that night, I found myself watching Batdad's suit get fried by Livewire! "Not on my watch, bitch!" is what I didn't scream because that would have been the wrong thing for a feminist like me to scream and not because I didn't think to say it before walking down the haunted staircase.

I did say something about kicking her butt though which was probably wittier but I can't remember what I said and you'd better believe that I don't remember even though I have an I-Tic-Tac Memory, Diary! Or at least allow me the dignity of lying from time to time!

Anyswayze, I totally saved Batdad's butt because his suit shorted out and he was stuck inside. Then I totally told him what to do and he was like, "You aren't my mother! *HUGE MANGA WINK*!" That almost made me laugh and break character but it's a good thing I didn't because if he doesn't know who I am (1% chance he doesn't!), he'd certainly know me by my laugh and the way I fart when I laugh and by the smell of my fart which I would have farted when he made me laugh!

Come on, Diary. He totally already knows I'm his daughter, right?!

So Batdad and I began working together to take down Livewire!

The only way she could have made me wish that is if she'd shown me photos of a hot naked guy waiting for me in my bed!

My plan totally came together and I captured Livewire inside my future Boy-Toy Qadir's gadget he gave me. I don't know why he had a gadget lying around that was able to contain a person made of lightning. But there are bigger mysteries in the world than that! Like how can a woman as hot as me not have had like at least eighteen super decent sexual experiences in her life?! I mean ones that don't involve gadgets or bathtubs or jeans with really tight seams in the crotch!

And that's when I got home and was super tired and began writing in my Diary and then thought I heard Frankie fall in the shower!

See? Also included in this shot: the purist vadge in Burnside.

And now the revelation of what distracted me between entries which I totally cracked myself up about earlier by calling it a Fall-se Alarm! BATSNORT! It wasn't a Fall-se Alarm at all! It was a False Al-ysia! I mean, it was the real Alysia! My old roommate who gets way more action than I can even imagine! And she had a huge bombshell! Probably not the biggest bombshell currently in Gotham because it is Gotham, after all, amirite? Anyway her bombshell was...she's getting married! And she wants me to be the maid of honor! And maids of honor get laid at weddings by handsome best men, right?! Oh wait. Her fiance Jo is probably also going to have a Maid of Honor. Damn my luck! Although if I get tipsy enough, maybe I'll lose my oral sex cherry!

Batgirl #42 Rating: No change. How adorable is this comic book? It's like super adorable, right? Like more adorable than ten puppies! But not more adorable than ten kittens. It's not even more adorable than one kitten! I'd rather have a kitten. But it's still adorable! It makes me want to eat gobs of candy. It also makes me wish I was a beautiful girl in her early twenties with a whole wide world of fucking ahead of me! Oh, to be young again! And a girl! If I had been female, I probably would have banged every nerd in my high school class. Devin Pruden and Miguel Chavez and Mike Birbalaglia or whatever his last name was and Franklin Kim and Andy Nesmith and Dan Felipe and probably a bunch of other ones I'm forgetting. Those were so my people even though I was totally cool and shit. Sorry, nerds, for not being a girl!