Batwoman #24

This is Batwoman's comic series, so she should win this fight. But nobody beats Batman at DC! NOBODY!

Way back in Issue #5, I predicted that Batwoman and Batman would appear on the cover of Issue #11 beating the shit out of each other. Looks like I was thirteen issues off!

The issue begins with the Arkham inmates that the DEO set loose to draw in The Batman running wild in the streets of Gotham. This must take place some time ago in DC's chronology since Katana is still with the Birds of Prey and Nightwing is still hanging out in Gotham.

And David Zavimbe is still Batwing! I can tell because he really does look fat in his costume.

Batman shows up to battle Bane not because Batman doesn't want anybody else winding up with a broken back but because he's a fucking glory hog. I can't believe Bane agreed to get his ass kicked by The Batman just to lure him out into the open. The DEO must have offered him a small chunk of Gotham for his trouble. But even Bane's amazing acting abilities can't fool The Batman!

They don't call him the World's Greatest Detective because he knows how to please a woman's pleasure spot. You know what I'm talking about! That spot! There's a spot, right? Near the anus?

Bane taunts The Batman with Robin's murder during the fight which is just another clue to placing this comic book on the DC Timeline. Of course I don't know what any of those clues mean! I gave up trying to figure out what is happening before or after what about a dozen issues ago. If you want to know when events take place in relation to other events, you should see Canonology's site. If you want dick jokes, you're probably in the right place. That reminds me. I should probably make a dick joke soon.

Batman learns that Bones is behind the Arkham inmate riots when he injects Bane with a serum that turns his Venom into a toxin. That means Bane will be spending the next two weeks sitting on a toilet with a bucket in front of him. Which means the Talon story must take place at least two weeks after this story.

"Bane spilled his guts!" Bones made a joke!

Batwoman arrives and the brawl begins. Meanwhile, Hawkfire is busy infiltrating the DEO to rescue Alice so that Batwoman doesn't actually have to beat Batman and get his secret identity to save her sister. That's good! Because even though Batwoman declares she's going to cheat to win, she still isn't going to win! And she's definitely not going to learn Batman's secret identity unless he decides to just come out and tell it to her. And then the issue ends with Batman's hand around Kate's throat and Kate's hand around Batman's throat. Which is the last Batwoman panel to be written by Blackman and Williams.

Batwoman #24 Rating: No change. I suppose this ending to the original creative team is fine since no matter who is writing this comic book, they can't let Batwoman beat Batman! Maybe Batwoman will wind up marrying Batman and living happily ever after! I bet that's what will happen when the new creative team joins the book. Also, Nightwing will strip at Kate Kane's bachelorette party. Bones will be shamed into quitting the DEO and a depressed Sawyer will team up with a now unemployed Chase to start a Super Hero Dating Service. I'm almost positive that at least 75% of my guesses will come true.

But seriously. This was a really fucking good comic book and it sucks that editorial and the suits at DC had to muck it up with their opinions and egos and non-writer's ideas. Jerkos.

Batwoman #23

Stop being so hallucinogenic, Batwoman.

I have nineteen new comic books to read before Wednesday so that I can begin reading Villains Month as soon as the comic books come out! I don't think it's going to happen. I hate myself and my failings. If only I could be more like Linda Mann! I'm so envious of her abilities.

Three or so issues ago, Batwoman and her family and friends decided they would learn Batman's secret identity. It was the only way they could get Kate and her sister free from the clutches of Director Bones and the Department of Extranormal Operations. But then Killer Croc had to have an issue all to himself. And then Batwoman had to learn how to defeat Batman by questioning his biggest rivals. This issue begins with Kate sitting on the edge of the bed trying to convince Maggie that she's ready to face Batman the next day. So are we finally going to get to the showdown I've been waiting for since Issue #5?

Nope. First Kate needs to trip her fucking balls off.

Sure, Kate. Maggie might believe that you're doing this because you love her and you want to show her how sorry you are for being such a huge dick to her as Batwoman, but I know better. This is one of those Shamanistic ritual things, isn't it? A little sweat lodge wisdom before the big battle. A battle I thought would happen around Issue #11 according to my Issue #5 commentary. Boy was I a bit off on that one!

Meanwhile, Firehawk (is that her name? Why can't I fucking remember her name from month to month? Firehawk? Flamebird? Oh! Flamebird! Maybe?) is running around with The Murder of Crows kidnapping DEO bureaucrats so they can torture them for inside information on the agency. That's probably a good back-up plan because what are the odds Batwoman is going to figure out Batman's secret identity? She's no Lois Lane!

Is it just me or does Flamebird look like the baddest ass in this room? She's got a real Terry Moore Parker Girl thing going on here.

I really don't have much to say about Kate's hallucinations because McCarthy really just nails the visuals on this shit. It's not about making sense of the images. Their revelations are in the experience of them and not the story of them. I sometimes wonder if it's at all possible to really describe the experience of hallucinogenics to a person that hasn't experienced them. Which, of course, means the person wouldn't need the experience described! It really widens perception and narrows it at the same time. Everything becomes connected in the most earnest, meaningful way. I suppose it could all be connected in seriously terrifying ways as well but I wouldn't know having never experienced a bad trip. Whenever any of my friends asked me what acid or mushrooms were like, I'd just tell them that I can't actually recommend it to anybody because I don't really know what's going on in their head from day to day. I'd say, "It amplifies whatever mood you're in, or whatever emotion you're feeling. It's up to each person if they feel up to doing it and I can't be the one to make that decision." Also, I never really liked tripping with a virgin because I always felt I had to babysit! Although babysitting while on mushrooms is probably not the best idea ever.

Kurt Vonnegut's son Mark wrote a terrific book called The Eden Express: A Memoir of Insanity about how taking acid tripped his schizophrenia (which he didn't know he had although his family has a history of mental illness). I didn't realize until I read that book that an acid trip was really like taking a detour into schizophrenia. Once I realized that, I could see why schizophrenics often forgo taking their medication. It's like cutting themselves off from being connected to everything. But being in that state all the time must be so fucking exhausting, it's also probably a relief to have that link severed. I highly recommend the book for anybody curious about how schizophrenia can make a person see the world. If you've done hallucinogens, you'll really connect to the way he describes the world once his schizophrenia is tripped. If you haven't, you'll at least get a pretty fucking good explanation of the way things change; you just won't have that visceral feeling of having been there.

Anyway, I really love this page here:

Aww. So sweet! Except for the blood.

Back at The Murder of Crows' loft, Bette has decided punching the DEO Agent in the face isn't making him talk, so she tries a new tactic. Apparently the guy isn't just some nobody bureaucrat. He's Agent Asaf, the DEO's best profiler. So Bette profiles him to figure out what he most wants and how to get him on the same page as her and Batwoman.

It's the Daddy Issues. It's always the Daddy Issues.

Over in downtown Gotham, Cameron Chase is setting loose a small contingent of Arkham's best psychotics: Bane, Poison Ivy, Tweedle Dee, Mad Hatter, The Riddler, Tweedle Dum. She's calling it Operation Batfrack and leaving Bane in charge. You think Batman's going to fall for some mini-Knightfall Flashmob? And what the fuck did the DEO promise these guys to taunt Batman? Tweedle Dee just had his fucking chin sewn back on and The Mad Hatter was nearly killed! Of course, these people are nuts.

I still think they enjoy Batman beating on them.

Later after the fear toxin wears off, Kate attempts a proper proposal. Unless the fear toxin hasn't worn off yet. But asking somebody to marry you is usually done out of every day normal fear of loneliness and being unlovable anyway, so I'm pretty sure the toxin is out of her system.

This is where I usually make a cynical remark about refrigerators. But I think this relationship will last a long time. Hmm. That's exactly what Williams and Blackman would want me to think so that I'll be horrified when Maggie winds up in a Frigidaire! Jerks!

Then some place in Gotham blows up while Director Bones watches and Kate dons her costume and heads out to beat the crap out of Batman.

Batwoman #23 Rating: +1 Ranking. Should I start a pool on how many issues Maggie has left alive?

Batwoman #22

Nobody let Jim Shooter see this cover! Unless you want him to have a stroke. Then by all means, give him a copy!

Batwoman is a consistently well-written and well-drawn comic book, so it's a gigantic pain in my ass. It presents next to no opportunities for dick jokes and rants about poor editing. I fucking hate this comic book.

Last issue was all about Killer Croc so I don't remember what was happening with Batwoman. I think she and her entire family were starting a detective agency so that they could figure out Batman's secret identity. I bet the first move is to infiltrate Wayne Enterprises since Batman is so closely tied to Bruce Wayne! Or maybe infiltrate Arkham!

Alaska and not Wayne Enterprises? That might be my worst guess ever!

That was the first panel of the comic. The final two panels of the first page show Batwoman and Hawkfire trudging through a snowy forest. Is this about Batman's identity or just another random mission for the DEO? This is a good example of why I began this blog. Because last issue was about Killer Croc, I haven't been clued in to what was happening in Batwoman's story (although, sure, I could read Batwoman #20's commentary to catch up). I don't know if the reason why they're in Alaska was explained earlier or if it'll be explained later. One of reasons I hated reading monthly comics as I got older was being thoroughly confused for the first few pages until the comic either explained what was happening or I would eventually get enough information out of the book to kickstart my memory.

Whatever is happening, that's a pretty dope or sick or sweet or radical or literally amazing picture of Director Bones up there.

It appears right now, they're hunting Bane for some reason.

I'm still confused! I'm hoping for a 24 hours earlier box!

Batwoman eventually gets him tied to a tree with something called Python Coil, courtesy of the D.E.O. And then she begins the interrogation. I suppose they have one question: WHO IS THE MOTHERLOVING BATMAN?!

Batwoman's question is this: How do I defeat Batman? Bane's answer is that only Bane can defeat Batman! But he also manages to point out that if perchance Batman were really, really exhausted and maybe if Batman were tricked in some way, well, it's possible someone other than Bane could defeat him. But not likely! Batwoman thanks him and leaves.

I don't know, Batwoman captured Bane fairly easily. Sure, he didn't have any Venom pumping through his veins. But still! He was hogtied in three pages! She broke Bane; I think she can break Batman!

After questioning Bane, Batwoman sends Maggie Sawyer into Arkham to question a bunch of other Bat-villains about The Bat. She questions Black Mask, The Mortician, Fright, and Professor Pyg. I only recognize Black Mask although Professor Pyg seems familiar! Probably because so many nutbags love to wear pig's head masks.

The consensus? He's a robot that loves kicking ass.

Meanwhile Jakob Kane is training Bette (Hawkfire!) to infiltrate the D.E.O. so she can break out Jacob's daughter Elizabeth (Black Alice! Unless it's just Alice!?). This is the back-up plan to freeing Elizabeth by learning Batman's secret identity because what are the fucking odds that that is going to happen? The whole training section feels like one of those pilots for a new sitcom that airs within an episode of a current sitcom. Bette is trained by The Murder of Crows, Jacob's gang of cliché tough guys! I expect DC's next War Comic to be Murder of Crows which will star this bunch of Magnificent Seven wannabes.

And then Batwoman is ready to lure out Batman with a plan of her own that she's formed from the information she got from his enemies. But that plan won't be revealed until next month. Unless there is another Interlude next month!

Batwoman #22 Rating: No change. This issue felt like more of an interlude than the Killer Croc issue! Not a whole lot happened here. Bette and Kate caught Bane. Kate interviewed some crazies with Maggie. Bette beat up a bunch of old men while training. The Murder of Crows got their pilot issue to see if the readers are interested in a comic book about these guys. And Director Bones got in a little fishing. And I didn't get to make a single dick joke.

Batwoman #21

Here we see Killer Croc making a huge mistake.

I feel like I should write some type of essay full of insight about Batwoman and lesbians and comic books and women but I don't think I have anything to say. The most important thing to me is good characters. I don't want to read about Batman who also happens to be a woman and also happens to be a lesbian. I want to read about a character where all of those things matter. I want her to be believable in her passions, whether they're her relationship with a police officer who's also a single mother or fighting injustice and stark raving madmen in her city. And since this comic book does all that, it never really occurs to me that I should talk about any of it!

I find it strange when fans call out creators for introducing "non-normative" characters into their comic books. Yes, I'm using non-normative to mean not straight white male which is also why I put the quote marks around non-normative because thinking that straight white male is a normal standard is pretty fucking ridiculous. It's just another category. When DC reported that The New 52 Alan Scott was gay, a lot of people bitched and moaned. In situations like these, I wish more people could be honest about their own feelings and the reasons they have problems with these things. But everyone hides behind arguments about tradition and gimmick and the loss of Jade and Obsidian (who happened to be Preboot gay). Of course, the fact that Alan Scott is so much younger is the only reason there's probably not a Jade or an Obsidian. He could easily have children. Perhaps on Earth 2, he felt pressure to pass and married Harlequin and had the twins anyway. That could be part of the story but before the comic book with the reveal even came out, people were arguing that they hated Alan Scott being gay because it means Obsidian and Jade don't exist.

I had a point there somewhere but, as usual, it got lost in my meandering. The bottom line about Alan Scott is that he's going to be written by writers that, hopefully, care about the characters and stories they're writing. So even if it was merely an editorial decision and they drew a name out of a hat, it still means a gay hero will be a main character of a book. For me, his sexuality doesn't matter one way or the other. I want to feel empathy for him and I want him to succeed and I want him to be interesting. By acknowledging that it doesn't matter either way to me, I mean to say that there should probably be more "non-normative" characters because they certainly DO matter to a lot of fans. Plus I guess it would certainly matter to me if every comic book character were straight white males. Boring! Although then some of them might become prison gay since there wouldn't be any women running about. Which, again, would make things interesting!

Let's take an even better example because it isn't spotlighting sexuality which wasn't the actual point of the previous few paragraphs. Let me point out Gail Simone's "The Movement". Here's a batch of diverse youngsters that are, so far, entertaining and a lot of fun. They're also very important to a lot of people who don't see heroes that look like they do very often. Or sometimes not at all! These things are just part of the character to me. They don't take away from nor add any emotional impact to me. So if Katharsis being Lao can add as much happiness as I've seen it add just from the messages Gail Simone receives on Tumblr, I think that's great. And Tremor is from India. And Vengeance Moth is in a wheelchair. And Mouse smells like urine. These things are important to the characters but even more important to fans that don't see enough characters like them.

As a straight white male (although the "white" is arguable on a genetic level, it's how society sees me. I, because of my close ties with my mother's parents and their brothers and sisters, have always thought of myself as Spanish), I've grown up in an atmosphere and a society that didn't criticize those aspects of who I was. So they're not of much concern to me. Which means characters can be of any race or gender or sexual identity and it doesn't matter to me. If they're well-written characters, I'll love them for being well-written characters. Which is, to me, one of the best arguments for more diverse characters. They matter more to more people than just another straight white guy. I've never identified with a character merely because he was male, straight, or white. My favorite characters when I was first reading comics were The Outsiders with Metamorpho and Black Lightning topping the list. So maybe I did identify more with male characters earlier in life since I also loved Halo and Katana but I instantly mentioned Metamorpho and Black Lightning. I especially loved Halo. SWOOOOON.

Anyway, I was just thinking I should discuss diversity at some point and why I never really discuss it much! I'm neutral on diversity so I'm not the target audience. But I'm also not the target audience on non-diverse comic book characters! I think that's probably a good part of the silent majority. Which means when a company thinks that diverse characters won't sell, they're absolutely wrong because they're listening to a vocal minority. I'll read ANY character if the story is well-written and/or drawn beautifully! Which probably means I shouldn't stay silent on being pro-diversity! So it's probably a good thing to be writing this. Take note, DC. White male characters don't sell because comic book fans demand white males. White males sell because that's what you're fucking selling us.

So when I say I'm neutral on it, I just mean I'm not emotionally invested one way or the other on the background of a character. I think diversity is important because it's so important to fans under-represented for years. The only time comic fans should ever be angry concerning comic book characters is when Scott Lobdell is shitting all over them.

So, on to Batwoman! Or, I guess I should say, Killer Croc!

This issue begins with Killer Croc recounting the moments during Medusa's assault on Gotham while he was The Hydra. His voice in the Narration Boxes is evocative of a Toni Morrison novel. He begins powerless against Medusa's voice as she pulls the Hydra from his guts. Later, after Medusa is destroyed, he's wounded and powerless to move from the middle of the rubble and destruction he caused. And then he's powerless to stop the Monster Squad from dragging him down into their underground lair. He's recounting all of this to Claire, a lizard woman lying in bed next to him.

Those first two Narration Boxes are magnificent.

Being that this is Interlude III, I was sure we wouldn't be getting any Batwoman and, at this point, I hope we fucking don't. Williams and Blackman are writing the fuck out of Killer Croc right now. Earlier when he was thinking about how he's never been more proud about destroying a large chunk of Gotham as Hydra except maybe how proud he was when he beat up Batman. And now, taking a look at Killer Croc in such an intimate way and perfectly within character. He's always full of bravado and machismo. And here he still is with his "About you, baby." But inside he's thinking about how he was a virgin when he met Claire and about how obvious it should be to everybody that he was. Here's this big ass brawler with the rock hard outer shell and we're getting to see his vulnerable side. Hell, his human side. DC characters need a shitload more of this kind of thing. Absolutely brilliant, sweet, and beautiful.

I can't help thinking he's going to fuck it all up with Claire!

Afterward, Waylon discusses his newly found knowledge about himself with one of the Monster Squad.

So being a werecreature is a bit like having Cerebral Palsy? Kind of an umbrella term for a whole list of differing manifestations?

I'm going to stick my tongue right up Williams and Blackman's ass now. Just get it right up in there nice and deep because this shit is so fucking smart. I love this werebeast idea and how it's a spectrum and not just a binary Werewolf kind of thing. So Waylon surmises that Cobblepot just has a little, maybe 1-2% Werebeast in him which causes him to act the way he does and, probably, identify with Penguins so much. Just a great image, that. And on the other end of the spectrum would be Waylon, Killer Croc, who can't manifest as a human at all. So it's easy to see how his Werecrocodile blood could be diagnosed as some kind of skin defect by humancentric doctors. Brilliant. Just...just...I think this comic book is giving me an erection.

Waylon denies being a shapechanger although it's pointed out to him that he's constantly changing shape which was actually a point I was going to make before I was distracted by this lump in my pants. I was really impressed earlier in this comic book series when Killer Croc was taken from simple Batman bad guy to alligators in the sewers Urban Legend working for Medusa. I believe I even commented at the time when he went from Urban Legend to full blown Hydra myth how well thought out a turn of fortune that was for him. To go from dark ally hood to urban legend to Mythological creature was quite an advancement for Killer Croc. And now Claire is claiming he's the Great Beast of Babylon. So I guess he's got some slouching to do.

The Monster Squad want Killer Croc to be their new leader but first, they declare, he must avenge Abbot and kill Batwoman. Well, that hardly seems fair. Batwoman didn't kill Abbot! Batwoman was finally working with him when Medusa turned him to stone. I hope the Monster Squad isn't merely using Killer Croc to advance their agenda. I'm going to feel really sorry for Waylon if they abandon him after he fails to kill Batwoman.

I think Maggie needs to get a stronger face wash.

Killer Croc decides to stake out Maggie and maybe come up with a plan. Or just bite her face off.

See? That's why she needs a stronger face wash. What did you think I meant, you sex maniacs?!

When Waylon attacks, he's back to his normal, DC Universe self. He just goes in all claws and teeth and "bat-bitch"es. He thinks to himself, "Sometimes I hate the crap that comes out of my mouth." He's basically a dumb-ass thug who, like most dumb-asses, doesn't think he's dumb at all. But he's self-aware enough to realize how cliche he is at being a big dumb brute. Williams and Blackman are building some really strong bully chops on this guy. His self-esteem seems to be a driving factor behind his violence. The tough skin is both literal and metaphorical.

I have no clue if Killer Croc has been written this way in the past since it seems a natural path to go down with him. I can only comment on this Waylon now since I rarely read Batman. I did read Shadow of the Bat for a few years. I wonder if there was a good Killer Croc story in that while I was reading it? No way I'd remember!

Killer Croc underestimates Maggie Sawyer, believing that she'll take cover while Batwoman battles him. Which is why he gets shot in the shoulder and punched in the face at the same time. And then his big mouth gets him in a little bit of big trouble.

The big mouth.

The big trouble.

Killer Croc begins turning back into Killer Hydra after he takes the shotgun blast to his head and he hears Maggie say his name. He keeps hearing his name repeated in his head and he's going wild. But then Hawkfire appears and Waylon begins to realize what would happen if he kills Batwoman. He thought killing Batwoman would earn him a welcome place among the Monster Squad. He'd be free and have a home and Claire and happiness. But as Hawkfire arrives and Maggie has her shotgun out and Batwoman is standing there glaring at him, he knows if he kills Batwoman, peace is the one thing he'll never have. He'll be run down until the end of time by the people that care about her. So he retreats. He flees back to find Claire and get her away from the warmonger leader of the Monster Squad, and away from Gotham altogether.

I bet Claire's baby winds up being a Werewolf.

Batwoman #21 Rating: +2 Ranking. Is it fair to give two whole rankings to a Batwoman comic book that barely had Batwoman in it? Sure, why not?! I really liked it! And I really liked how the panels were all laid out like scales. Oh, Batwoman. You just keep being one of the best, most consistent books of The New 52, girl.

Batwoman #20

This issue: Batwoman gets hooked on Yu-Gi-Oh.

I guess Batwoman is going to be reintroduced to her sister this issue. And maybe she'll find out that she has a brother as well. But what I'm really hoping will happen will be Hawkfire realizing that a hero using a flamethrower is a really fucking stupid idea.

Comic Book Rule #1: Nobody is ever truly dead. Except Ted Kord.

Kate's going to need some proof that this is her sister before she believes a couple of lying bastards like Cameron Chase and Director Mister Bones. Cameron is going to tell her the story of how she found her but I suspect Kate's going to need a DNA test or a look at her sister's super secret mole two centimeters from her anal sphincter. I hope Kate chooses the latter!

Back when Cameron was searching for Batwoman's secret identity in the heady days of the Preboot Era (except that era doesn't exist anymore so I'm actually just talking about a period of Reboot time before this comic book actually began. So, like August 2011, maybe?), she discovered the Religion of Crime. Cameron and her goons were investigating one of their facilities when all hell broke loose.

Comic Book Rule #2: When a person questions somebody else's motives, they're really questioning themselves.

Comic Book Rule #3: Whenever a story is about to get interesting, delay the interesting bit for a full issue by indulging in a flashback!

In Cameron's story, everybody dies on both sides. Except for her, of course! Did I need to say that? I mean, she is telling the story! Then again, this is a comic book where death doesn't seem to stick. After the battle, Cameron found a sarcophagus and inside it was Kate's sister Beth. The sarcophagus had brought her back to life and kept her in stasis. And then they finally let her out after Medusa was defeated and Kate began acting like a rogue bitch.

At least, that's the story they're going with. I don't trust these fuckers at all! The last time I trusted a cigar smoking skeleton, I...fuck me. It's so bad even I can't finish that joke. You'll just have to come up with your own punchline about anal play and the worst Halloween I've ever had.

Once Kate finds out that Director Mister Bones and Cameron Chase were holding her sister in utero, so to speak, until they could use her against Batwoman, she does the sensible thing.

It's about fucking time!

To keep from getting kicked in his face (or skull or whatever), Director Mister Bones tells Kate that they're giving her back her sister. I'm sure there will be some catches or some strings or some negligible small print but that can all be dealt with later. First, Kate wants to see her sister again.

Comic Book Rule #4: They always come back different. No, wait. That's Stephen King Book Rule #8.

I think if Beth did come back different, it would be for the better. I never read the stories with Black Alice, so I don't know what kind of a psychotic freak she was. But if she's in Gotham and she has an Alice in Wonderland fetish, then she must be mad as a person in a profession that people used to go mad doing. Cobbler? Yeah, probably Cobbler since there was that one that believed Elves were making shoes for him. Crazy loon! Didn't he know Elves make cookies?

Kate makes the deal with Director Mister Bones to find out Batman's secret identity. If she succeeds, Bones returns Beth to Kate, he destroys all evidence on her father, and he leaves her and her family alone. I think there's a Comic Book Rule that deals with deals too but I can't remember it. Comic Book Rule #5: People always hold up their end of the bargain? Does that sound right? That might be it!

When Kate returns home to Maggie, she finds her step mom and her father and Bette all hanging out with Maggie. I thought that Hawkfire had planted a tracer on Batwoman but it was a bug. They've been listening to her conversation with Cameron and Director Mister Bones all night. Now they want to know if it's true: is Beth alive? And who is The Batman?! Does she know yet?! Can they help find out? It's probably Commissioner Gordon, right? You could always tell that stupid mustache was fake!

Batwoman #20 Rating: No change. I'm disappointed that the art wasn't by J.H. Williams. But Trevor McCarthy does the kind of job that I would normally really like if I wasn't full of that disappointment I mentioned in the previous sentence. I guess Batwoman and her Detective Club are going after the biggest fish in Gotham. And by fish, I mean bat. And by bat, I mean man! And by man, I mean the sexiest man in a tight pair of leather jeans! Bruce Banner! I mean, Bruce Wayne!

Batwoman #19

Is Kate's grey skin going to be explained by being related to Director Bones?

From the very first page, my earlier assumptions are flushed away like so many Indian food fueled hopes and dreams. That was a tortured simile, if you were wondering what one of those might look like. The only reason I'm on the internet is to provide examples of horrible writing and devastatingly awkward turns of phrase that wind up in suburban dead ends where little towheaded white children play street hockey with soft balls and full padding and the streets are named after characters from vague and long forgotten fantasy novels. Although that is a misrepresentation of the actual truth which, for the time being, shall remain obfuscated by over one thousand entries on comic books and my pitiful existence. Entries which probably double back, repeat, run on and on, and go nowhere while spewing hyperbolic vitriol on anybody that doesn't think exactly as I do. But I continue to move forward (if moving in an ever dwindling spiral can be considered forward progression) for no reason at all, with no destination and no goal in sight. Because what else is there? I suppose I could be sitting on the porch of a well-mortgaged house with an ever-expanding gut as I smile proudly at my children stomping about the yard. Is that a loftier life than continuously escaping into comic books? No, no. Do not answer. I have lived amongst the social normies long enough to anticipate the harsh, critical judgment of those following in the footsteps of those following in the footsteps of those following in the footsteps of dim figures lost to time. We shall see, in the end, what matters most.

Ha ha! No, no. That was a joke. In the end, there will be no answers, no regrets, no remembrances of a life well (or not so well) lived. It will just be an instantaneous return to the state we left behind when our parents gave us life in the first place. That is to say, endless nothing.

And so Batwoman begins with the reader being introduced to Cameron Chase's sister and a mystery!

The mystery is how does anybody surf in Gotham Harbor?

Oh, mystery solved! Apparently this isn't Gotham Harbor at all. Cameron has flown out to . . . well, somewhere, to speak with her sister. The other actual mystery that I really meant before I skewed the perceived direction of my narrative flow was how Cameron's father wound up dead in an alley. Apparently he was The Cockroach in a superhero group that included Leopartard, Peace Fascist, The Portlandia Strongman, The Hooded Martian, and The Happy Harpy. Oh, here. Have a look for yourself.

I'm 97% certain I nailed all of their names.

Cameron's talk with her sister doesn't really go very well. Or go anywhere, really. They discuss how their dad and his superhero shenanigans fucked them both up for life. It's the driving force behind Cameron's need to shut down the whole super hero game. I always forget about the Department of Extranormal Operations when I think of all the organizations in the DC Universe. But this is just another one like ARGUS and Team 7 that are a reaction against super heroes and the government's need to control everything. But at least this organization isn't run by Amanda Waller. I hope Director Bones doesn't have any secret ambitions to run more than this one fucked up group. Anyway, Cameron has decided to set Black Alice (or Beth. Or whatever! I still need to read the Preboot Batwoman series!) loose on Batwoman. I think.

In other news, Maggie and Kate have finally moved in together and Kate is trying too hard to be the sexy, compassionate, comforting, underwear wearing half of the couple. Just because she's the superhero in the relationship, she thinks she needs to be strong for Maggie when Maggie is going through a rough time in the aftermath of a confrontation with The Scarecrow. But Kate needs to remember that Maggie is just as tough and individualistic as Kate, and acting like the strong one is only going to drive Maggie away. Plus I think Maggie has issues with her kid not being with her and she needs to figure out how to reconcile her life with her child and her life with Kate. I think it's time for a day at the amusement park for everyone! Too bad Amusement Mile was burnt to the fucking ground.

Meanwhile Kate's father Jacob is busy telling his wife all about his and his daughter's and his niece's secret lives. And she apparently wants to be the Alfred in this set-up.

Wait. What? Director Bones, right?!

Later Hawkfire and Batwoman go out on the town to capture a woman named Shard that is beating up on DEO agents because they stole something from The Religion of Crime. Just like they stole Mr. Freeze's freeze gun, right? What are they up to? That's what Hawkfire wants to know. I already know what they're up to but I don't want to spoil it for anybody. When their plan is finally revealed, I'll just nod my head knowingly and say, "Yup." But since Batwoman can't tell Hawkfire about the DEO, Hawkfire tells Batwoman she can't be her partner anymore. And Batwoman says, "Fuck you! You were my sidekick, bitch!" Hawkfire puts a tracer on Batwoman as they say goodbye. I'm surprised with all the tracers on things in Gotham City that they don't just completely interfere with each other so that nobody can find anything.

Part of the reason Batwoman can't answer Hawkfire's questions is because she doesn't know the answers. Hawkfire won't work with Batwoman because she can't trust the DEO. Batwoman can't even trust the DEO but she doesn't feel like she has much choice. So she goes to have a word with Director Bones about this whole fucked up situation. Bones tells her: he wants Batman's secret identity.

Oh come on! Batman just lost a kid! Bruce Wayne just lost a kid! They're inextricably tied together and you can't make the fucking connection?!

Director Bones threatens to put Kate's father in prison if she doesn't help. But she doesn't care about that anymore. She won't be manipulated anymore. Which is when Director Bones lets her in on a little secret that might change Kate's attitude: he has Beth.

Batwoman #19 Rating: +1 Ranking. This book still looks fantastic. Mostly. The Walden Wong inked pages weren't so great although they maintained the usual "back-up look" of this comic. I guess that's sufficient. I hope at some point this book brings Helix into the Reboot Universe. Maybe have Director Bones attend a Helix Reunion. Spend a full issue on that while Kate is on her honeymoon or something.

Batwoman #18

Excuse me for a moment, Batwoman. I need to piss in some mouths really quick. Even though he doesn't need it and won't ever read this, I just wanted to take a moment to defend Wil Wheaton before kissing Batwoman's ass.

Tonight on Tumblr, somebody sent a message telling him he sucks (couched in the "I'm disappointed" language of the utterly offended) because he reblogged Louis C.K. and because he has earned a paycheck for being on The Big Bang Theory. I'm not going to argue whether or not somebody might be offended by Louis C.K. He's a really smart, cutting edge comic and that's always going to step on a few toes. But life steps on toes and comics don't shy away from talking about life. So let's talk about the problem of Wil Wheaton on The Big Bang Theory.

It's not a problem. I don't watch the show mostly because I still can't believe shows use laugh tracks and that show seriously overuses the laugh track. I've seen the show and will watch it for a few minutes here and there in syndication because I think it can be funny. I think it would be funnier from a nerd perspective as opposed to the way it slyly winks at the non-nerds watching the show and whispering, "Can you believe these guys?" But I'm not here to defend what the show does right and critique what I think it does wrong. The person seemed to think it was a problem that Wil Wheaton was drawing a paycheck from being on the show. Wil told this person to fuck off in a more polite way than I would have but in an offensive enough way to piss off a lot of other people who suddenly decided Wil was an asshole.

Wil, be an asshole. Fuck the people that want to take the piss out of you because they expect you to be what they expect you to be. You follow me? If we could all only take jobs that wouldn't offend a single person on Tumblr, we'd all be unemployed. But I guess we'd be incredibly enlightened and totally unoffensive! I guess that's a thing!

One of the truest posts I ever read on Tumblr went something like this: "The quickest way to lose followers on Tumblr is to be yourself." Of course the corollary to that is "Fuck them." I've learned there are two signs that I'm writing my commentaries really well: when I gain a lot of followers in quick succession, and when I lose a lot of followers in quick succession.

Was Wil's response appropriate? Should it even be judged as such? Sometimes a person reacts to an individual more harshly than he would have because he's reacting to the many people that came before with the same exact bullshit. So the response might seem heavy handed or over the top in the small moment others are allowed to see. Perhaps Wil was responding to more than the one person. Anyway, why can't Wil be upset? Because people expect more from him? Because he has a soapbox and should "be better" than other people? Wil's critics seem just fine to react to his anger with their own anger. I suppose celebrities aren't allowed to have outbursts. When you're surprised that a celebrity shows him/herself to be human, it isn't a fault with the celebrity. It's a fault with your initial perception of the celebrity. Perhaps that's why so many people were angry? They were angry at themselves for somehow being duped into believing a role model was something other than just another person.

Anyway, Tumblr allows for everyone to voice their opinions. I'm all for the cacophony. But remember this: the person that makes a stupid joke (often me!) or reblogs some insensitive thing on Tumblr (probably me again!), for whatever reason, might just be the biggest champion of social justice when things really fucking count out in the Thunderdome of society (probably...no, sorry. Not me this time. Fuck everyone that isn't me!). This was my voice added to the howling moan. And now, Batwoman! Finally.

The comic opens with Hawkfire and Batwoman punching Mr. Freeze in the helmet.

I like that Jacob Kane (Kate's dad! Bette's uncle!) is anti-snark. I shouldn't be surprised though. He is military and Bette is currently in the line of duty. Get serious, Private!

Let's consider Bette's decision to put flamethrowers in her costume. In what way is that a good idea? As a law enforcement agent, if you're resorting to fire, you've already decided that death and destruction is acceptable. She can't set criminals on fire! Okay, occasionally she can if they're Urban Legends, I guess. But she's really walking an ethical tightrope if she refuses to kill bad guys but putting them in the hospital from serious burns is a tactic. At that point, it's just a toss up as to how injured they'll be. They could need amputations. They could easily get serious infections and die. Or end up with a future of plastic surgery, skin grafts, and physical therapy. And even if she doesn't use her flamethrower on the criminals, why bother? The only thing she'll be doing is setting buildings on fire and causing more problems than the criminal! I think Hawkfire needs to go back to the drawing board and brainstorm a new name.

While Hawkfire fights, she has Colonel Jacob Kane watching via a camera attached to her costume and giving her pointers via wireless communication. Batwoman has the same set up but with Cameron Chase at the other end of her microphone. Both voices seem to be a bit more of a distraction than a help but I suppose neither one actually had much say in the set-up. I'm sure Uncle Jake wouldn't let Bette out in that suit if he couldn't watch her and try to keep her safe. And Batwoman is the tool of the DEO, so she's stuck as well. It doesn't much matter though because Mister Freeze is quickly taken down with a nice big ice chunk jammed through his leg. At least he didn't get third degree burns over forty percent of his body.

Uncle Jake has a few questions about why his daughter is hunting Mr. Freeze. But neither he nor Bette can ask her because they seem to be keeping their communications secret from Batwoman. But they're not the only ones wondering why she's after Freeze.

By the way Batwoman fingers his gun after the fight, I suspect the DEO sent her in to grab up some of his technology.

Batwoman's response to Mr. Freeze basically amounts to, "You're a doody head!" And then Batman arrives to scare the crap out of everybody. The layout of the panels when Batman arrives is really nice, showing a blue half of the bat symbol on the left-hand page and a red half of the bat symbol on the right-hand page. And the layout isn't just nice on this page! The previous pages have retained the playfulness and beauty of the layouts when J.H. Williams was doing the art himself. I was worried about the change of artists on the book but I've been quickly won over (I first typed "run over") by Trevor McCarthy's work here.

Anyway, Batman is here!

I know, right?

Batman wants the Freeze Ray but, as expected, Cameron freaks out and tells Kate to tell Batman to go to hell. Very brave, standing up to Batman way on the other end of that wireless tether! Batman also has a few tips to pass along to Batwoman about fighting bad guys. Well, one tip actually.

Okay, it's not so much a tip as a critique!

Hey Batman! Take your advice and shove it! Some people might think causing a Catwoman to crash a motorcycle going at 100 miles per hour might be a bit of overkill as well! Sure, wah wah wah. You were out of your mind from grief. You still nearly killed your midnight fuck buddy, you bastard! At least Batwoman only took advantage of an icicle that accidentally went into Mr. Freeze's leg as opposed to purposefully trying to cripple him. Catwoman (and Ann Nocenti!) were right: you are a bully!

Batwoman gives Batman half of Mr. Freeze's weapon and all of Mr. Freeze. She then heads off, probably to be yelled at by Cameron Chase and Mr. Bones.

Instead of chastising her, Mr. Bones decides to torment her. He's desperately trying to keep her on the line and working for the DEO. Now that it looks like she's about to break free, Mr. Bones figures it's time to release Alice back into Gotham.

And then it's time to build some sub-plots!

Sub-plot #1: Uncle Daddy Jake's wife (new wife? Did I know he had a wife? Oh memory, you frigid whore!), while looking for the cat, has found Bette's Flamebird costume stuffed under Bette's mattress alongside her porn.

Wait. They have a cat?!

Sub-plot #2: Maggie Sawyer is looking for an apartment to share with her fiance, Batwoman!

Sub-plot #3 but not really since it was already touched upon in the Mister Bones scene: Cameron Chase meets with the fish that they'll be releasing back into Gotham just like my tortured fishing analogy paragraph mentioned!

I don't know for sure it's Kate's sister Alice but judging by the ending of Issue #17, I'd say that's a good guess.

Batwoman #18 Rating: +1 Ranking. I was worried things would fall apart when the new artist came on board but I like it! Still a good looking book. And do I have to add that it's still well-written? I think my "+1" already said that.

Batwoman #17

Come on, Batwoman! It wouldn't have taken Batman 17 issues to save those stupid kids!

This cover looks like a Batwoman Triumphant kind of thing so maybe this is the final issue of a story that basically began in Issue One when La Llorona kidnapped some children. That's a really long story arc but I haven't been hearing people complain about how the story is dragging on. Perhaps that's because I haven't heard many people talking about this comic book. But it seems to be selling pretty well, so that's a very good thing and means I don't have to worry about one of the best comics in The New 52 being cancelled.

Last issue ended with the success of Medusa's plan to summon forth Ceto the Mother of all Monsters. This issue begins with a whole bunch of Gotham residents shitting their pants.

You've got to admire the guts in this lady. I'd say the plan of at least 85% of other DCnU heroes would be to call Batman.

The battle between Flamebird and The Hook ends pretty quickly now that she's installed flamethrowers on her wrists. I had to look her up in my 1990s Who's Who because I couldn't remember if she ever had super powers or not. Turns out she's just another Robinesque sidekick. She's an excellent acrobat and she uses gadgets in her crime fighting. And now she's decided to change her name as well.

Does this signify that she's not a sidekick anymore?

Hawkfire really shouldn't have done that. It's not the guy that's crazy and doing the killing! He's just a victim of the Hook! And now she's set the Hook free! Sure, it's at the bottom of Gotham Bay. But that won't stop it! It'll find somebody to attach to in a few years. In the meantime, the guy without a hand will end up in Arkham having to undergo psychotherapy for crimes he probably won't even be able to remember. But at least he'll remember the name Firehawk! Flamehawk? Hawkbird!

And then on the next page:

See?! Now that's a Bat-villain! CRABHOOK!

Last commentary, I mentioned how awful the monster on monster crime had become in Gotham. And now Abbot the Werewolf, as he backs up Batwoman against Medusa's horde of monsters, thinks basically the same thing. As he charges Medusa, he thinks, "Part of me feels I shouldn't be here. A werewolf, gutting other monsters." But he sticks by Batwoman's side to protect his Gotham from the chaos and destruction which Medusa brings. Too bad Werewolves aren't immune to Stone Gaze. Alas poor Abbot. I didn't know him. Was he a werewolf of limited humor? Um, yeah. Probably.

So this might be my favorite monster in the battle. Chicken Man. Is this a lesbian in-joke?

The last Urban Legend standing in their way before they get to Medusa is Bloody Mary. Which perhaps Medusa and her cohorts didn't think through very well. Since Mary is, you know, made of mirrors? Wonder Woman, Hawkflame, and Batwoman smash Mary into broken bits. Batwoman uses one of the shards to reflect Medusa's gaze back at her. And that's it. Medusa turns to stone and Batwoman smashes the newly formed statue. But they still have the Mother of all Monsters to deal with. Now is it time to call Batman?

Batman wishes!

Ceto explains how her monstrous form was the one her daughter, Medusa, wanted her to take. Ceto herself means no harm to anyone now that her daughter and her daughter's wishes are gone. She just wants people to stop thinking of monsters as monsters. Wait. How does that work?

Wonder Woman doesn't understand how it would work either and wants to kill Ceto. But Batwoman remembers the name of this issue is "Mercy" and stays Wonder Woman's hand.

Do I sense a Naked Sidekick in the works?

And that's very nearly that. Batwoman gathers up all of the children and takes them to Maggie Sawyer so Maggie can bring them in to the Gotham Police Department and finish this up right.

I think that's a damn fine ending for a 17 month story arc.

The last two pages are a tease for the next story line. Mr. Bones wakes Batwoman's sister Beth (Alice) from inside a steampunk medical sarcophagus. When speaking to Beth, Mr. Bones refers to Kate as "our sister" although I can't be sure if it's just a figure of speech or if The New 52 version of Mr. Bones actually knows his biological origin as opposed to just his surrogate daddy, Dr. Love.

Batwoman #17 Rating: +2 Ranking. I wonder if I should read the Preboot Batwoman series before next month's storyline begins?! I'm pretty sure this was one of those comic books where not a lot has changed because of the Reboot. What is it with Gotham and its connection to Wonderland? Half of Batman's villains are Wonderland characters and Batwoman's nemesister has an Alice fixation! I guess it's simply because "they're all crazy here" in Gotham.