Booster Gold Loves The Flintstones #1

If Prehistoric Man had any concern with animal rights, they never would have had any scientific advancements. At least according to The Flintstones which is, like, history and shit.

I don't know how many people consider these Hanna-Barbera crossovers canon. Everybody should. There's no way I can respect you if you don't now think the Banana Splits went on a mission with the Suicide Squad or that Green Lantern and Space Ghost had gay sex on the planet Krikkit or that a talking dog gave a rimjob to a talking cat. And now Mark Russell gets to write an in-continuity story about Booster Gold traveling back to The Flintstones era? If you don't have a woman boner or a male whatever happens to women when they get a boner thing happening about this comic book, you can't be my friend. You also can't be my friend on just a more reasonable level like how I probably couldn't stand listening to you. If you don't mind me saying everything and you just shut up and laugh at all the right places, it's possible we can be friends. But you also can't smell weird or look me in the eyes.

This issue begins with Booster asking Skeets if he looks sexy. I always knew Skeets had a slot for a penis! I used to tell my friends in junior high, "He's fucking that flying robot, you know!" Booster Gold is in his apartment that is either outside linear time or at Vanishing Point (which is also outside of linear time but more upscale than just "a ratty studio apartment in any buttfuck place outside linear time"). Inside his room, he has a Dodo bird as a pet and he stores all of his valuables in the Ark of the Covenant. Booster Gold might be my hero. He's got no time for your shitty time paradox theories!

Oh, apparently he lives in New New Newest Gotham in the year 2472. I bet Batman is still alive.

In 2472, Gary Gygax is considered a god and you can get a McTalon Burger at the local Food Court of Owls.

While Booster is on his date with Amy, an army of Chupacabra riding space scooters while setting people on fire with laser beams descend on the city.

The Chupacabra are apparently space aliens and not Chupacabra which they most definitely are. I suppose it doesn't matter since conspiracy theories can account for any eventuality. Obviously Chupacabra are just space aliens and not cryptoids! Anyway, Booster accesses his time computer to find that these aliens first visited Earth in the year 20,000 BC in the town of Bedrock. So that's where he goes to solve the problem! I guess he's going to find their leader and suggest that they not come back 24 thousand years in the future?

I don't know. Any noticeable bodily function that lasts that long would concern me.

Booster Gold arrives in the past right on top of the alien, cutting it in half. Well, I guess that's why they invade 24 thousand years later! That's actually a pretty fast response time in galactic times and distances.

Booster Gold's Time Sphere is ruined in the encounter so he needs some help getting it fixed. Luckily, he's met up with Fred and Barney! They always have a scheme up their butts!

Moments like these are why I love Russell's writing so much.

With the help of some of Barney's science-know-how (otherwise known as animal abuse), Booster's Time Machine's Chrono CB Radio begins working. He puts the call out for help and the only person who responds and doesn't immediately die afterward is Alfred Pennyworth from 1966. Batman has a fourth dimensional radio transceiver because why not? Luckily Alfred in 1966 knows Booster Gold for some reason. That reason was mentioned earlier where Booster Gold gives no fucks about time paradoxes.

Booster is an idiot! Due to having such a small amount in his account, Booster will undoubtedly have to pay for that savings account! The payment will be taken out of the account and subsequently begin costing him insufficient funds penalties and fees! He's going to owe the bank billions when he gets home (because the bank will never just close the account since it costs them nothing to keep it open. Banks are assholes).

Booster Gold, Barney Rubble, and Fred Flintstone are out of luck getting help from other time travelers. So they're just going to have to figure out how to power the time machine themselves. I bet five billion vacuum cleaners could do the trick.

Instead of enslaved animals, the trio use the Chupacabra's spacecraft to power Booster Gold's time sphere. While it's charging, Skeets discovers that Booster Gold caused the invasion (that's probably why he doesn't give a fuck about time paradoxes. There are none! Everything just happens the way they happened and no time traveler can change it because they made it that way when they tried to change it in the first place!). Booster doesn't really care because he just wants to get back in the future to fuck Amy. But there's an error in the calculations and a huge chunk of Bedrock goes into the future with him.

Anyway, everything eventually works out in the end and Booster Gold's bank account has 3.8 billion dollars in it. I guess banks in the 1960s weren't such huge douchebags as banks are now. I blame Reagan.

The back-up story is a Jetsons story by Jimmy and Amanda. So it'll be full of sexy innuendos!

It doesn't have any sexual innuendo at all! Unless I'm supposed to believe that George Jetson eventually fucks the robot housing his mother's personality! Yeah, I can do that.

Anyway, the story is basically one of the episodes of Black Mirror.

The Ranking!
I don't rank these! But anything by Mark Russell is worth reading. The end!

The Flintstones #7

This is the kind of joke that young people get pissed at if an older person makes it but young people are all "Right?!" if a young person makes it.

Young people are too young to be so defensive all the time. Learning to be defensive about anything you think is a criticism simply teaches you to believe everything is a criticism or a judgment. Then you become an old person who is too old to be so defensive all the time! Sometimes an observation is just a neutral observation! I sometimes feel that 95% of the anger and resentment carried around by us as a people is caused by our own preconceived notions and jumping to conclusions. You know how much energy is wasted in discussions where somebody says something and somebody else misunderstands the statement and gets angry at it? Then the first person has to clarify the statement to show how the second person got it wrong but then the second person, trusting confidently in their own thoughts about other things, doubts the first person's clarification. Because how did the second person read it as a terrible statement unless the first person didn't obviously mean what was so obviously horrible?! And even if the first person can thoroughly clarify the statement, the second person will remain suspicious and bitterly hold on to their first erroneous interpretation of the statement! So much wasted energy! It would be nice if somebody could be all, "Statement!" And the next person would be all, "Whoa, dude! Really?" And the first person would be all, "No, no! Clarified statement!" And the second person would be all, "Oh yeah! Okay! I see that. Thanks!" Instead we all have to stand our stupid ground being angry and feeling holier than the next person.

Now I'm mad at everybody and full of bitter resentment! You know what? I take it all back. I don't even want to get involved with people who feel they need to police everybody else. Next time you police somebody on the Internet, just remember what we all think of the real police! Fucking pigs!

I know a lot of you support the police blindly. But you racists aren't part of this current discussion so I knew I could exclude you.

Steve Pugh isn't doing the arts on this issue so I'm already disappointed. I didn't notice his name was missing from the cover. I just took one look at the first panel and thought, "Doodle poop." That's how I curse inside my own head, just in case God is listening. But I know he doesn't read the Internet because it's Satan's Playground, so I can say motherfucker and cunt all day long here.

Even though Pugh isn't arting this issue, I still want to put my filthy lips all over Betty's everything.

This week in Bedrock, The Flintstones learn about Hell! They also learn that the Great Gazoo is keeping tabs on all of them while protecting them from con artist aliens from outer space. Other stuff probably also happens since that's how this book works. It utilizes a thing called vignettes which isn't a crime fighting salad dressing like I first thought.

One thing that happens is the head priest of the Church of Gerald invents indulgences. He does it on accident so it's not like he was trying to get rich by cleansing people's sins so that they don't wind up in Hell. He just invented Hell to get people to fear doing bad things and then he suggested to a parishioner that maybe she do good things to make up for the bad things she's done. But she, like everybody, is way too busy for all that. And giving money is almost always an acceptable solution to one's problems. I mean, you would think that not doing the bad thing is the best solution. But sometimes you do bad things because you want to do them so badly and it's always nice if you can pretend the bad thing doesn't matter because you're giving money to offset your sin. Especially if you're, say, a big business and it would cost a lot of money to clean up all of the pollution created by your business. Everybody knows you don't want to be a major polluter, right? But what can you do?! You still have to make all of your money doing the thing you've been doing the exact same way forever. Changing takes too much time and money! But if not changing only takes money (and far less than you would be out if you changed to stop doing the bad thing), it's obviously the best choice!

It's so much cheaper to just not believe in sinning or a God!

Gazoo writes his report about humans but it's all "Blah blah blah lies and more lies and propaganda against humans!" And then there's another story happening about Fred being compassionate enough to help out some idiot who gets himself crushed at the quarry. It's too complex for me. I barely even noticed the criticism against art critics running through the story.

The Ranking!
This comic book is way too smart for me. It's like I'm reading a college essay written by a student who actually cares about their grade. But I'm smart enough to know that I want people to think I like smart things! So I totally love this comic book! It's my favorite. Whew, does it make you think! Also if you don't want to think because you're a typical comic book reader, you can probably jerk off to a couple panels of Betty Rubble. I can't say the same if you're into guys though because all the guys look like tree trunks wrapped in fur skirts. Oh man! That phrase "fur skirt" just got me horny for some reason! I mean, I'm going to go read some Shakespeare now!

Gods and Monsters: Wonder Woman #1

Let me guess! Wonder Woman leaves Paradise Island to live in Japan?

I was up in Seattle visiting "friends" the last couple of days. I thought I'd get back into the blogging routine by reading a Gods and Monsters book. I hope I still remember how to make jokes. If you saw my trivia team's performance at the Geeks Who Drink trivia night, you'd be pointing out that I definitely still know how to make jokes. We tied for second with all of the teams that did not come in first or last. We failed at the tie-breaker because the way they do the tie-breaker is stupid. The question was about Broadway and I wrote down "Cats" faster than anybody else but we still didn't win. Possibly because I should have written Andrew Lloyd Webber. But at least I scratched out my first guess, "Madagascar," which was written before the tie-breaker question was asked just in case I was having a psychic moment. My trivia team's name was Snake Titty because somebody had written "Snake Titty" on the chalkboard in the men's restroom and it made me angry. That's just bad science!

The team that won were a bunch of know-it-all assholes. Probably. I hope they died.

So anybody in the Portland area who wants to become a member of Snake Titty and who also wants to do all of the work in getting a team together for Geeks Who Drink events should contact me. Also you should be able to answer all of the questions that I can't answer (which will be most of them). I also have a tendency to not pay attention when my teammates are writing down the obviously wrong answer because I'm saying something tremendously witty. Sometimes I erupt into physical violence.

Snake Titty. Except for the guy giving the thumbs up. That was the quizmaster. My grown-up schoolyard rival has the blue hair. The Non-Certified Spouse is across from her. Making the peace sign is the Non-Certified Spouse's cousin and the saboteur that ruined our chances for outright second place before skedaddling out of there. I suppose she should get credit for all the answers she did give us but I won't forgive her for erasing that correct answer to replace it with a wrong one just before the game ended! Teammate Mark is a shadowy monster on the run from his past and could not be photographed, so he took the picture. And I am the one pointing at my face as if to mime, "Look. This is me. I am this person. This one."

This issue of Gods and Monsters begins with Wonder Woman emerging from a BOOM Tube in India in 1962. So it's as close as DeMatteis and Timm could come to the original origin story without just completely ripping it off.

The uniform Wonder Woman is wearing on the cover that I mistook as a Japanese crime fighting costume is just a Jack Kirby outfit. Totally understandable mistake. Wonder Woman is Bekka of New Genesis. She's going to be extremely popular because people are just naturally drawn to Bekka and want to have sex with her for no comprehensible reason at all. I want to have sex with her and I know she's just printed on a page and I also don't know how to have sex. I mean, with a fictional character. I totally sex with real people all of the time, or at least during the times when it is possible. You know those times. The proper ones. Sexy, sexy times.

Bekka meets a statue of Ganesha and she imagines it saying all of the things she needs to hear. After her delusion, she feels much more comfortable with her completely random decision to accidentally arrive on Earth. But now she has to learn all about her new home! She's lucky to have a teensy, tiny Mother Box which can act as her Wikipedia since Wikipedia didn't exist in 1962. Back then if you wanted to find out some information about something, you had to find a set of Encyclopedias or an almanac or an old blind black woman. If you had access to all three of those things, you could learn anything you needed to know about life and the world around you.

Bekka quickly learned that Earth was beautiful and savage. It was like New Genesis and Apokolips but combined together! Was that what Jack Kirby was getting at? Was he writing an allegory for the human heart at war with its own selfish desires and uplifting charities? What was he writing about when he created The Demon? Man's lustful nature and his obsession with his own cock?

Bekka discovers the proper time for doing it: on the brink of Armageddon. Is that why people are constantly predicting the end of the world? So they finally have the proper time to do it?! Oh boy! That means I'm going to have sex on the Jewish Day of Atonement this month! Woo hoo!

Bekka decides it's time for her to stop watching the goings on of her new home and time to become a part of it. So she gets into her fancy New Genesis duds and goes out to battle crime! Her first battle leads to a bunch of dead people instead of a bunch of hugged people, so I think she's doing Wonder Woman all wrong. But she does cry so she might be on the right path. You'd never see Batman or Superman cry. That's the main difference between Wonder Woman and her Justice League cohorts, just after her boobies.

Bekka discovers the hippie movement which teaches her about love since they invented it. They also invented having sex at even improper times and with the improper number of partners. Bekka teaches them about "bringing down the party" and "bad vibes" and "how big a stick can fit up one person's bottom." She's all, "Drugs are bad! Don't do drugs!" But the guy who makes the drugs who isn't a bad person at all and probably the protagonist of this story is named Doctor Psycho and he's all, "I make good drugs! The best! Don't you ruin my business, you jerk! I think we might wind up having an adversarial relationship!" But Doctor Psycho has a friend named Guitar Joe who thinks Bekka would be an awesome addition to the farm and the loads of improper sexual relationships going on up at the farm, especially the ones that include his penis.

Yes. Naivete is the answer to cynicism. As long as you don't mind all of your answers being completely wrong. Which, if you're naive, you really don't! Which is why so many people believe in an omnipotent creator!

Eventually Bekka decides that the commune isn't being run correctly so she begins to teach people how to do things her way. Instead of taking drugs, they used "crystals" for their mind-bending trips. Instead of the women pleasing the men, the women pleased themselves and told the men to get the fuck off of them for once and haven't they ever heard of contraceptives?! Plus Bekka discovers that Doctor Psycho is a super villain. He drugs her because he wants everybody to be free but she wants to be free to stop him from making everybody free in the particular way he wants to free them. I'm not sure which one of them is being hypocritical and fascist.

Bekka and most of the other hippies left Guitar Joe and Doctor Psycho's commune to set up their own farm called New New Genesis. Everybody was all, "Why two news?" And Bekka was all, "No reason!", and then winked at the reader with a huge wink. Then one of the hippies was all, "Who is she winking at?" And one of them was all, "She must have taken some crystals." But soon enough, they all saw what Bekka's crystals could really do when Doctor Psycho's army of burnouts attacked the new commune. They were led by Guitar Joe hopped up on one of Bekka's crystals. But using the power of the crystal, Bekka transformed everyone back to their normal, hippie selves and saved the day. Then she said, "I have to become a super hero instead of dropping out!" And her new friends said, "No! Don't go! Are you sure you must?" And Bekka was all, "You bet your bippy! *HUGE WINK AT THE YOUNG AUDIENCE READING WHO ARE THINKING 'WHAT IS A BIPPY?!'"

And that's the end of the Gods and Monsters One Shots! I guess I'm prepared to read the Gods and Monsters Justice League three issue series. I hope I get around to reading it before I forget that Batman is boring old Man-bat, Superman is probably Zod although that wasn't expressly stated in his comic book, and Wonder Woman is a New God. It's all so super exciting because it's so different! The only problem I have with this story is that it portrayed Doctor Psycho in a better light than Wonder Woman. I'm always going to root for the guy who makes LSD and used to work for the MKUltra project and who's goal is to free everybody from the status quo! I don't need some anti-drug alien coming down to Earth and telling me I shouldn't take drugs unless they're her drugs and that I shouldn't drop out but should accept things the way they are and just try to make individual lives better within the fucked up bullshit system that is fucked up and total bullshit. Go Doctor Psycho!

The New Teen Titans #22 (July 1986)

This issue starts off promising:

Yes please!

Raven “convinces” Dick to join The Church of Brother Blood. Cyborg, controlled by Mento, tries to kill Changeling. And Starfire begins the battle for Tamaran against her sister. Just another day fighting for their lives against relatives and team members. Plus Mento heads over to Swamp Thing #50 at the end of the Cyborg/Changeling story which probably explains why I own Swamp Thing #50. You would think I own it because Alan Moore wrote it but what did I know about Alan Moore at fourteen?! Fuck all, that's what. Fucking stupid idiot. I was as useless as a teen as these Titans.

Number of Issues Where the Titans Do Something Heroic: 1 out of 22.

Convergence: Shadow of the Bat #2

Don't judge my art skills! I had a cat on my lap and did this one handed on a touch pad.

This Convergence series has Azrael in it so I'm already tuned out. Let's see if I can make this commentary interesting for myself and utterly offensive to everybody else.

This issue is called "Home is the Sailor" because Larry Hama is cuckoo whacko. I wonder if I asked him nicely if he'd write a back of the G.I. Joe Action Figure card style biography for me.

On second thought, I'd like one with less grammar errors and a better Code Name.

This issue begins at some point hours after last issue ended. Wetworks are hunting Azrael and Batman in their home town of San Diego (which is going to disappear before the earthquake hits according to Aquaman!). But you know what they say when you try to hunt Batman?! Batman hunts you! Do they say that?

Anyway, Batman hunts them! The members of Wetworks have names like GI Joes which is probably how Larry Hama got this gig. Although I don't know how he got the Wonder Woman gig. Probably because he wrote Scarlet and Lady Jane and Cobra Commander so well.

Don't we all, Batman?!

Wetworks somehow realize immediately, possibly through smell, that Batman does not kill. Batman realizes immediately, possibly through his half-hearted boner, that Dozer hasn't been kissed by very many people. Dane realizes, possibly through nerve receptors, that Batman wears hard boots.

Wetworks are really cool cats because they're part of the early years of Image where killing was cool. So they're like totally killers and kill everything and never die because they kill first. It makes for really exciting comic books that fits with Image's dynamic art style. It's all in your face and saying, "This ain't your mother's comic book company, nerds!" I think one of their slogans was "Are you an athletic athlete that drinks beer and scores with women? Read Image! We ask if you scored with women because we know women aren't interested in all of our big boobed, nearly naked characters that kill and kick ass. Chess sucks!" It was a long slogan but Wizard magazine printed it for half-price because the writers and editors at Wizard loved giving blowjobs to everybody at Image Comics.

Azrael has saved a kid named Damon who's a resident of San Diego. Now he and Batman are becoming friends with the kid and his mother which means they're going to have to save both cities. Batman already knew he was going to do that but Azrael is all, "Sharks! Now I don't get to kill everybody!" He probably added something in French after that because I think he's French.

Batman and Azrael are inside of an aircraft carrier when Wetworks goes after them. I hope while they're fighting they make cool references to it like "I'm inside an aircraft carrier! Now die!" Or maybe something cooler. I hope Larry Hama has put some work into the upcoming retort filled violence.

The first battle is with Mother One and is wrapped up quickly with no clever zingers.

"One lady cyborg buttoned up and ditched overboard" was as zingy as it gets.

Batman makes a joke later after encountering Dane and Dozer but nobody laughs at it. I think he was just amusing himself the way I'm just amusing myself while writing these commentaries. Let me show you Batman's joke through the magic of scanned images!

Here's Bruce's encounter with Dane.


And here's his joke! Get it?! Hand! Ha ha! Genius!

Bethany, the mother of Damon, Azarel's new friend, has a plan to defeat Wetworks without actually defeating Wetworks. Too bad the city is already doomed thanks to Deathblow being horrible at blowing death. I hope the battle at least has a few good one-liners that I can mention at the water cooler at work tomorrow.

I wonder if "Not nice to pound on ladies" will make me popular at work or just get me sent to Human Resources? How about this hilariously obscene line that Azrael drops: "We are standing on top of half empty fuel bunkers with their stopcocks open...." Ha ha! Stopcocks!

Wetworks chooses to surrender and work with Batman and Azrael instead of shooting Azrael in the face and hoping the grenade misses falling into the stopcocks. The city doesn't disappear when they surrender even though the earthquake hasn't hit yet. I guess Deathblow hasn't lost yet so Batman can feel good about the truce. If the entire city had disappeared after Wetworks lost, Batman might feel bad. But now he can go after Telos with Wetworks and they won't notice when the city disappears! Batman might notice Wetworks disappear. And I wonder if Wetworks will know what's happening as they phase out of reality? Will it hurt? I bet it's excruciating! They probably should have risked their lives on the grenade thing being a bluff. Idiots.

The biggest idiot in the entire story is the kid because he calls Azrael a hero at the end. Bah! Don't encourage him!

Convergence: Shadow of the Bat #2 Rating: This issue earns Five Stopcocks out of Ten. It kind of felt like an issue was missing judging by the way last issue ended and the way this one began. But who cares, right? There was a full month between and nobody probably remembered anything about last issue anyway. I wish I didn't. I wonder if I get completely drunk in the next half hour, I can forget this entire comic book?

Divergence: Deathstroke
"The World's Greatest Assassin takes on the impossible contract to murder an Olympian God!"

Hey! Tony S. Daniel is getting writing help on Deathstroke now! I'm sorry to see that happen because the best part about reading Deathstroke is pointing out how most of it doesn't make any sense. Tony S. Daniel just writes a scene he wants to draw and then writes another scene he wants to draw and connects them with plot that he forgets entirely by the time he's thinking up the third scene he wants to draw which totally contradicts the reasons that the first scene led into the second scene!

And Peter Nguyen is doing the art which means Deathstroke is going to be a completely different experience than the first few issues. I liked when Tony S. Daniel drew it because we were assured at least two double splash pages per issue! Now the only double splash pages I can look forward to are the four or five in every issue of Wonder Woman!

How much can he really care when he doesn't even know his son's real name?

The distraction that takes place is the Teen Titans because Deathstork Deathstroke hasn't really battled them in The New 52 like he's supposed to. He fought the Green Team and he fought Lobo and he fought his children and he fought Stillborn and he fought hundreds of assassins and he fought his father and he fought Batman (sort of unless it was a dream) and he fought some other people probably. But he hasn't battled his arch-nemeses, The Teen Titans!

I thought the fight scenes would be more comprehensible than when Tony S. Daniel writes and draws but they aren't. Wonder Girl gets Deathstork Deathstroke tied up in her lasso but then he does something which makes her fall and Bunker hits a mountain and crushes himself in an avalanche which causes Deathstroke to not be tied up or on a mountain but in a jungle where he's attacked by a green panther. Totally following this. Easy peasy!

Oh! It was a simulation! That's probably why it made no sense. Lousy programmers!

The Spanish Inquisitor is giving Deathstroke a mansion with a Danger Room on a private island because Deathstroke might be valuable to the Dead Bastards some day. Plus he was broke and lost all of his hiding places early in the run because Tony S. Daniel thought that was a good idea. Also Slade is young again and loves looking at his testicles. But now danger is headed toward his island! I bet it's a god! Like the "How We Made This Comic Book Worse" blurb indicated!

Hephaestus shows up to give Slade a sword which he's supposed to use to slay a god. I suppose that's a loophole to the whole "only blood can kill blood" rule of the Greek gods. I guess if a god made the weapon it can kill a god. And I bet the god Hephaestus wants Slade to kill is Wonder Woman because she's getting all of the great big double splash pages these days!

I'm satisfied that Deathstroke is going to continue to be just as horrible as it was when Tony S. Daniel was writing and drawing!

Convergence: Batgirl #2

In 75 years of Batman, there has to have been at least one appearance of Batgorilla, right?

Last issue, Catman made an appearance and nobody was sexed up to the rafters which was surprising. I used to think the main thing a person had to know about Catman was that he was a man and he liked cats. But apparently his most outstanding feature and the only reason he's popular is because he fucks everybody. His 1982 Who's Who entry actually reads, "History: Goes both ways, 'natch. 'nuff said. Excelsior!"

It's possible Catman was about to bite Batgirl on the back of the neck while shifting awkwardly from one foot to the other and struggling to undo her utility belt while she howled like a cat in heat. I mean like something that wasn't a cat in heat but was an awful lot like a cat in heat. Something which you would use to describe a cat in heat when "cat in heat" was too on the nose. Before any funtime shenanigans could happen, Grodd stomped on the scene and growled, "I'm a monkey!" Then shit got real.

Improvisers love to believe that nothing goes as planned because it justifies their fly by the seat of their pants mentality. I am thankful (or at least hopeful?) that those in charge of city infrastructure are planners.

Batgirl should have planned to be trapped inside a dome and transported to an alien planet only to be released one year later so that she could be attacked by a telepathic gorilla. Batman would have had at least three plans in place for this eventuality.

The monkey attacking action is too exciting to continue on page two so, thankfully, the scene changes to the previous day when Tim, Cassandra, and Stephanie were standing around in a desert going, "Duh!" and "Nuh uh! Duh!" and, finally, "Duh duh duh, QED!"

It was quite the informative look back at Stephanie Brown's recent past! I learned that...well, never mind what I learned. It was probably super important to the ending of the story though.

Back in the present, Grodd is about to break Cassandra in half when Catman suggests they all work together to defeat Grodd. That's at least a better idea than fighting amongst themselves while Grodd eats each one of their brains. But even as a team, their chances of defeating Grodd are so dangerously slim that Tumblr would provide a warning page on eating disorders if one were to search Tumblr for "Batgirl and friends' chances against Grodd."

Well, you do have to choose which one to eat first, Grodd.

Grodd knocks out Cass and Tim and is ready to bite Steph's skull open when she remembers the previous day. She remembers an earthquake which means Convergence is long over and these guys still think they need to continue with this ridiculous fight because they're lost in a desert. During the earthquake, Tim hugs her and Steph is all, "Gooooosh!" And Tim is all, "Did you say something?" Maybe Grodd will read her mind and come to the conclusion that he cannot kill true love because it's the only thing worth living for! He'll have come to that conclusion because he probably fell in love with Zelda, the female ape at the zoo where he was kept while in the dome.

No, no! That's crazy! The story is called "The Love Song of J. Stephanie Brown," not "The Love Song of a Big Dumb Ape Named Grodd."

"Let us go then, Zelda! Grodd!
When zoo closed and day get all quiet and odd
Like dead human spread out on dinner table;
Let us go! By penguin pond! By farmyard friends,
Peanut shelled dead-ends
Where gathering crowds all day stood rooted.
Make monkey sounds, they hollered! Hooted
Bad words! Mean words! Words like sticks! Words like stones!
Had they known
Grodd understand all hurtful things said...
No ask what Grodd feel!
Let us go! Make humans meal!

In room females come! go!
Talk! Talk! Michelangelo!

When Grodd get to line about peach!?
Grodd hungry!"

Red Robin decides it's time to talk to Steph about their relationship. Steph is all, "Oh really? Now that I'm back in the suit, you want to hit dat ass again?"

That's not what she meant at all! Not at all!

Steph gets away from Grodd by pulling out his face hairs while Catman stabs Grodd in the back. That's when Batgirl is all, "Um, hey, Catman? I quit! You win! Or maybe, you know, you should surrender to me, maybe?" And Catman is all, "Oh yeah! Good idea! Because if one of us loses, that will obviously open up a portal because that's how things must work! This is probably where one of us says that we have just one last chance!" Catman decides to lose because his Gotham has been devastated by Grodd. Batgirl knocks him out and dances on his face. She has to make sure her victory is believable!

Telos is convinced and everybody heads back to their respective homes. It's a good thing she decided to trick Telos because Grodd was about to eat everybody's brains and maybe their soft, delicious genitalia as well. He's a gross monkey. Unless he's only problematic?

Afterward, Tim and Steph celebrate by doing it! Or trying to do it. They are unsuccessful because they forget to take their clothes off. Even I know at least some of the clothes need to come off to do it correctly! Like the...um...bottom parts?

Convergence: Batgirl #2 Rating: I forgot to rank the book in Batarangs as I read it! Let me see. It began as a five and then it received plus two for Batgirl knowing Grodd could kill them all so she didn't even try. It gets +1 for Steph punching Tim Drake in his dumb face. It gets -1 for nobody being eaten by Grodd because that would have been nice. It gets -1 for the Guinea Pig being drawn like a chipmunk. It gets +1 for Grodd's mate being named Zelda. It gets +2 for Cass being so cool and sexy cool and sexy. It gets...oh, who cares. I lost count! It was like 7.5 Batarangs or something!

Divergence: Prez
"Meet Beth Ross, the first teenaged President of the United States...a nation where corporations can run for office, the poor are used as human billboards, and tacos are delivered by drone, our only hope is this nineteen-year-old Twitter sensation!"

I don't think that sentence made any sense! I think it need an "in" after the ellipsis.

I'm already nervous about this comic book when the main character is a "Twitter sensation." Ugh. Fuck everybody who puts "Twitter" and "sensation" next to each other in a sentence! I hope she's one of those "Twitter sensations" who steal everybody else's jokes and posts them as her own! She is the president which makes her dishonest automatically. Although I have a feeling the point of this comic book is that she's the first truly honest president and she's super groovy cool to boot!

The story begins with hep cat and bees knees Beth Ross begin all cute and bored on Airforce Uno. But her boredom doesn't last long as insurgent robots shoot down her plane and it crashes on Fiji. Or an island near Fiji. Or somewhere else. I don't think it's too important where they are. Just remember about the robots with missiles.

Whoops! I guess the American robots are the sentries! I knew we needed to make sure we pay machines at least minimum wage!

I'm going to stop telling the grocery store checkout robots to shut up when they tell me to take my items because I don't want to be blamed for riling them up any more than they're already riled.

The big surprise is that the robots are being controlled by video game testers at Secrui-tech. They don't know they're controlling real robots and shooting at the soon-to-be inaugurated President of the United States.

Prez uses her SAT Phone to call the United Nations where she gets in touch with Anonymous (who have become a "nation" and have been given a seat on the UN) who hack the security robots so that they blow each other up. Prez is rescued and taken to the United Nations where the Indian delegate is all, "Why are you so late? Ha cha cha cha cha!"

I was excited for Prez because I was thinking it was going to be a goofy throwback to the original Prez. But it's about modern young people and I can't stand modern young people! Doesn't DC have enough modern young people with Burnside Batgirl?! Oh wait. I really like that title. Maybe this one will be good too. I hope Prez does a lot of Boob/Butt Showcases while politicking!

Convergence: Batgirl #1

Do I have to finish this cover myself?!

I'm available for hire, DC!

According to the fight card, Batgirl's Convergence story takes place in Pre-Flashpoint Gotham as well. So it's the same exact fight card as in Batman and Robin with Pre-Flashpoint Gotham going up against El Inferno, Flashpoint Gotham, The Extremists, and The Amazing Zoo Crew. The issue begins with Batgirls that I don't recognize although they're sure to make the Batgirl fandom cream their jeans: Cassandra Cain and Stephanie Brown. Also hanging out with them? That loser Tim Drake.

This story begins with Planet Brainiac already having made his announcement since Cassandra, upon being woken up by Stephanie, asks if an opponent has yet to arrive. Since the three of them are outside Gotham and on the barren landscape of Telos reminiscent of the American Southwest, my guess is they're going to battle whoever El Inferno is.

Two Batgirls is too confusing, so Stephanie Brown ditches the other two to go get naked behind a rock. That's when she's ambushed by Catman!

Oh, but before she's ambushed by Catman, Tim and Cassandra have an interesting conversation that I didn't realize was interesting when I first turned the page because I first noticed Stephanie trying to drop her pants while Catman tackled her. According to Tim Drake, it isn't just everybody in every city trying to defend their city against everybody of every other city. No, apparently specific champions were chosen to fight for their cities. So while Tim and Cassandra weren't picked and have been relegated to sidekicks, Stephanie Brown was picked as a champion. And now she must battle for Pre-Flashpoint Gotham City! She's lucky she's on the team most likely to win. That improves her individual odds.

The issue is called "The Love Song of Stephanie Brown" so I guess it's going to be twenty pages of wondering if she should eat a peach.

How did Catman find her in this wasteland? Is Steph in heat?

Stephanie tells Catman that she came through a portal and the other two heroes followed her by accident. I guess that's how the Extremists entered Pre-Flashpoint Gotham? They found a portal that opened for "champions" to be shuttled to their opponents' universes. That must mean that this whole American Southwest look is probably the El Inferno universe which Catman must be a part of. Unless this is just one of the Multiversal Thunderdome arenas. I suppose Catman could be from the Flashpoint Gotham since I really don't know anything about El Inferno. Now if it were called El Gato Inferno, I'd be positive that's where he's from.

Catman was pulled out of South Africa battling Grodd and his army. That sounds like a Flashpoint world although South Africa is obviously not Flashpoint Gotham. I think since Planet Brainiac is a collector of "timelines," the definitions of the cities he's stolen are a little bit loose. And I just looked up El Inferno's description in the back of Convergence #0 and that definitely takes place in the Old West. It's also an Elseworlds story so I'd expect characters from it to have guns slung on their hips and hats tilted in just that way that says "Howdy, Ma'aam."

Catman must not be much of a threat because instead of joining the battle to help Batgirl, Red Robin just stands to the side checking out Batgirl's butt muffin. That's a thing the kids say, right? "Nice butt muffin! I bet it's full of tasty dingleberries!" Yeah? The whole flirting thing kind of ruins everybody's mood for a fight. But that's when Steph realizes Cassandra was still missing and runs off to check on her.

Pissing yourself in a tight leather one piece can't be comfortable. Although it's probably not so different than pissing in your wet suit for extra warmth while body surfing in Santa Cruz. Or so I was told by some totally disgusting not-me person.

Speaking of hanging out in Santa Cruz for much of my teenage years, I have a short digression! I met a guy on Tinder a few weeks ago (I said it's a short digression! It'll become long if I explain why I met a guy on Tinder!) who corrected me when I described the Santa Clara/San Jose are as "the South Bay." He insisted that it wasn't the bay and that it was Silicon Valley. Half of that statement was right! You know, the Silicon Valley part! But even though Santa Clara County isn't actually on a bay (okay, maybe a very small part of it is which is why it gets to be the South Bay!), it's still called the South Bay. I fucking grew up there, Tinder Beard Guy. Don't fucking argue with me. The only time I thought of myself as being from Silicon Valley was when we'd go to Santa Cruz and hang out on the hidden beaches where none of the tourists would go. And the only reason we were reminded we were from Silicon Valley at that point was all the graffiti everywhere that said, "LOCALS ONLY!" and "VALLEYS GO HOME!"

That was my digression! I kept it pretty short, right?

Even though my mother worked at Signetics (they made chips for Atari cartridges. Most of my Atari games as a child were not in a case. They were just the chips that you'd pop into these green chip holders which popped into the Atari like cartridges. That story is a lie if it might get my mother in trouble) in the late seventies and early eighties, I really never thought much about the whole tech industry thing and Santa Clara County being the heart of Silicon Valley. It was only in my later years with so much historical writing and film-making about the beginnings of the home computer era that I realized how much of the movement was taking place in my own backyard.

Other stuff happening in my own backyard: holes being dug looking for treasure, golf balls being hit with baseball bats into neighbors' backyards, Star Wars figures driving Barbie Corvettes, plum eating (no peaches though).

Stuff happening in my neighbor's front yard: me climbing his tree and eating all of his loquats out of it while sitting in the branches.

That wound up being a fairly long digression. Sorry.

While Grodd tenderizes Cassandra, Steph takes some time to think about the past year being trapped on Telos under the dome.

This is how I dealt with most confrontations in my life! Being confident enough to walk away from a potential physical conflict can often deescalate the situation. It also might have been fairly delusional on my part and I'm just lucky I never got beat in the back of the head for it.

Steph continues on the next page: "That's the thing Tim and Cass don't understand. Everything doesn't have to end with a big showdown. You can simply choose to walk away. Since hanging up my cape, I've learned that wearing a costume pretty much says, I want to escalate this conflict." I like this Stephanie Brown character and/or this Alisa Kwitney writer!

I recognize the name Alisa Kwitney but I don't know why. I don't think she's written anything for The New 52 since her name didn't auto-finish when I typed it in the Blogspot Labels Box. Let's see what Lord Google has to say about her. Aha. I must know her name as an editor for Vertigo Comics. I don't recognize any of her writing listed by Princess Wikipedia.

Steph watches television as Cassandra enters the window after a long day of jumping from rooftop to rooftop. Bethany Snow is reporting on the television. That Bethany Snow has had a long career! I think she got her start reporting in Teen Titans (possibly Pre-Crisis?). I hope all the Bethany Snows from all the universes have a big Telos Meet-up!

I know in certain cultures, Guinea Pigs are a legitimate source of protein. And I know it's wrong to judge other cultures for their regional food choices. But I'm fucking judging! I'm super judging! Eating a Guinea Pig is like shitting on candy. It's one of the two worst things you can do! The other worst thing is shitting on candy. Duh!

One of the places whose floor I clean is a pet store. They have an open topped enclosure full of rabbits and guinea pigs. I call it the Panic Pit because if just one of those creatures freaks out for nearly no reason (like a piece of hay fluttered in a slight breeze), they all flip the fuck out and try to hide behind each other in whatever corner is furthest from the unknown threat. It's like twenty heart attacks ready to happen at the drop of a pin.

Bethany Snow reports that a list of champions have been chosen to fight for Pre-Flashpoint Gotham. Batgirl is on the list. I guess Cassandra is "Black Bat" and not Batgirl to avoid confusion. Good! Because I was confused when I was calling them both Batgirl! So ignorant!

Steph's reminiscence ends with her, Tim, and Cass being picked up by the weird metal bits with which Planet Brainiac likes to cover people. It takes them through a portal like the one the Earth-2 Wonders fell through when they arrived. And that's when Batgirl, Robin, and Black Bat wind up in the middle of the landscape that looks like the American Southwest and where this thing began. So I guess next issue will begin with Grodd finishing eating Cassandra as Steph wakes up from her flashback.

Convergence: Batgirl #1 Rating: So much better than the first Convergence tie-in I read which was the awful Batman and Robin #1. This issue gave me a glimpse into who these characters were in Pre-Flashpoint Gotham while it also quickly set up the Multiversal Thunderdome confrontation. It may not be the ideal way to be introduced to these characters but I feel like I can now see why people are so fond of them. I think in a world where Tim Drake hangs out with Cassandra Cain and Stephanie Brown, I might be able to like Tim Drake! Or maybe it's just in a world where he's decently written as opposed to a world where he's written by Scott Lobdell.

The synopsis at the end makes me want to read some Steph Brown Batgirl stories featuring Damian as Robin and Dick as Batman. Although I'm already disappointed with her for having a relationship with Tim Drake. Though that explains why fans probably liked the character so much. They just love their cruddy romances, don't they?

Suicide Squad #23

This issue looks like a lot of fun!

I've got other writing projects to work on, so I'm thinking about changing the way I do things here. Although changing my routine hurts me in the space in my brain where most people feel love and affection. I feel comfortable doing the same thing over and over again. Which many of you have probably noticed if you've managed to read my commentaries for more than one month in a row. Same old Superboy jokes over and over. Same old Scott Lobdell attacks. Same fucking swears, over and over and over. But that's why I was thinking about trying something new! I was thinking a way to make this less time intensive on my end was to do one comic per day in the normal way, writing the commentary as I read the comic book. And then for the second commentary of the day, I'd just read the book and comment on it afterward. The biggest problem with beginning this new format will be beginning the new format. I'll have to think about it for a bit. Maybe the next time I read a comic I've become bored with (like Batwing!), I'll do the commentary the new way.

Now that the boring business part of the commentary is over with, it's time for the boring commentary part of the commentary!

Last issue we learned that everybody was going to die because the Samsara Project was causing everybody to reject their souls. This issue, Amanda Waller has some 'splaining to do!

And James Gordon Jr. has some Foreigner to sing.

This is my art paragraph! So far, I really like the new artist! I think this is his first book for The New 52. That was my art paragraph!

Apparently John Lynch was behind all the non-Waller chaos of the last couple of issues. The reason it doesn't feel at all tacked on is because Waller was withholding the information the way she normally does. So it totally makes sense that Anarchoterrorists weren't really behind trying to flood Las Vegas with Shit Monsters or that Harley Quinn wasn't actually trying to break out of prison when she eventually worked out a Suicide Squad Benefits Package with Amanda. But anyway, John Lynch is their real enemy. You remember him, right? The dick leader of Team 7? The reason for all of this chaos? Not to test his Hypnotizing Billboard Technology. No, no. It's to fuck with Amanda Waller.

So the Suicide Squad is busy trying to infiltrate their way into Mingowee. The last time I had a Geography class was in 7th grade where I wrote an oral report about Icebergs by simply copying the text out of a sixties encyclopedia. Seriously, how could I not plagiarize something so fucking boring as icebergs? Was I supposed to punch it up with some dick jokes?

Oh, also, Comic Books tend to make up names for fake countries! So Mingowee is probably a fake name and Ales Kot made it up because it sounds like a hurt vagina in British Slang.

"Oh look! A pale white clown woman with a pie in her picnic basket! This should be fun and isn't suspicious or weird at all!"

There's a bit of a flashback where the details of Harley and Amanda's new benefit package are discussed. The neck bombs have been removed from the Squad and they'll all be released in a year to work as informants. So the deal is to become a snitch? Sounds like a pretty shitty deal. If they, you know, stick to it. I can't see King Shark (or Harley (or Deadshot!)) becoming informants.

Look out! She's got a pie! She's also looking mighty adorable!

I bet her pie is full of a slow acting poison that will give the guards horrible diarrhea and kill them in a day and a half. Or she might just use the gun that's next to the pie. Either way.

Cheetah runs around setting off landmines for some reason. I suppose to be a distraction? Because I doubt Waller is sending in any military vehicles to help the Squad out. And Deadshot is sniping John Lynch in the face.

Just like Call of Duty! One shot in the head doesn't fucking do a thing! At least John Lynch didn't lunge from this distance with his knife and kill Deadshot. Then it would have been exactly like Call of Duty! Also, where did that piglet come fro...oh, never mind. It's John Lynch's hand.

And then the expected Small Terrorist Nation Super Villain Team shows up! First up against Harley is Crow Jane. The Crow versus the Clown! She either has the ability to command crows, or she's really good with .32, .44, and .38 caliber pistols. She also might be talented at finding roadkill.

Or maybe she has bird vision and sees things slower so she can count bullets from an automatic weapon. You know what's easier than counting bullets, Crow? Listening for the gun to stop making POW POW POW noises! She probably burned through the entire clip in just a few seconds.

Next up is Lamplight. This guy looks like a second-rate Green Lantern and his Lamp is powered by a hand crank. He calls King Shark ugly because, and I'm just guessing here, Lamplight has never looked at himself in a mirror while wearing his ridiculous outfit.

Impetus goes after Cheetah because he's the fast one and the fast people always have to fight the fast people. That's stupid thinking! What I would do is have the fast villain go after all of the heroes except the fast hero. Then I'd have all the villains that are left team up against the fast guy. It might work if you're the one doing the ambushing! Nobody expects to be doing one thing and then to be tied up and naked and hanging from a tree one second later!

Lastly, Amaze pins Deadshot to the ground with her foot. So it looks like a Dollar Store version of the Justice League's big Five minus Superman. Maybe Lynch was saving Superman's slot for the day he could once again have Majestic under his control.

So Lamplight's powers are nonexistent and King Shark has powers I didn't know existed. Sonar? Really?

Isn't what King Shark describing simply really good hearing? I'm not saying he doesn't have sonar; it's just that he wasn't actually using it at this moment, was he? He just heard this idiot coming. And speaking of this idiot, did Lynch simply tell him he had powers that he doesn't actually have? Is this one of his hypnosis tricks? I suppose I actually just answered my own question when I called him an idiot.

Oh yeah! Lynch called for help from Titan when he was shot in the face. So Titan is the Superman equivalent on this team.

Impetus is defeated by Cheetah's landmine bees. Those are bees that smell dynamite and lead people to land mines. Or something. I don't know! I seem to have let my Great Moments in the Advancement of Modern Warfare Magazine subscription lapse. Even if the bees could detect landmines, I'm not sure why they needed them. Cheetah could have simply run across the entire field before the bees even found one mine.

Crow Jane ends up being less like Batman and more like Black Canary. I should have guessed by her Ross Dress for Less version of Dinah's old outfit. She actually looked more like Zatanna when I first saw her. But now she tries to scream at Harley and just gets hit in the face by Harley's landmine pie. Good thing the bees didn't set it off!

You know, this Super Villain team might actually be decent if they didn't have to scream their imaginary super powers at their enemies.

Deadshot defeats Amaze with kissies and doing its. Although before they can get to the doing it part of the plan, Titan cock blocks him. But then Deadshot proves that Titan's no Superman.

Too bad he uses up his one cock block for the day because he could have used it here.

Once Titan is down and Deadshot gets clear with Amaze, Amanda Waller has dozens of drones (and a stealth bomber!) bomb the crap out of Mingowee. Lynch seems to be somewhat immortal or something, so he'll probably be back. But for now, his plans of taking over a small nation state and using their oil and gold resources for his own ends has fallen through. And not just because most of the nation's super team has been beaten but because the Leader, Paris Mingowee, has been killed as well.

This page made up for all of the horrible jokes throughout the issue. Plus Harley is looking adorable again.

Suicide Squad #23 Rating: No change. I'm always wishing comic books would be more whimsical and fun. And then Ales Kot adds a lot more of that aspect to this book. Which I think it definitely needs. He nails it in that last page I scanned. I really liked the lightening of the mood in most places but I found some of his attempts awkward and ill-fitting of the mood. Like when he announces Mingowee in the Narration Boxes as "Some Country Somewhere Far Away" and then gives the president's title as a long joke title. I'm not against this kind of thing; it just didn't work for me here. I'm still not a fan of James Gordon Jr. being in love with Waller and not acting anything like a sociopath or psychopath. If it weren't for the fact that he's Narration Boxing all of his love feelings and his sudden philosophy of kindness, I'd believe he had some kind of ulterior motive. Perhaps Bab's Batarang caused some brain damage when it went through his eye.